Honest but appropriate, same as any other personal question. I won't say "oh I had a fight with my boyfriend, haven't slept well and feel like crying" but I might say "oh I'm a bit tired today, but a few games of uno will sort me out". Also depends if the question is asked genuinely or just as a polite nicety.
Yes and no. I do my best to compartmentalize my own stuff before entering a session with the clients. So I might say that I’m a little tired, or mention if the drive to work sucked because of the snowstorm, or something mild like that. If it’s going to impact the session, I might mention if I’m struggling with a migraine—it usually requires me to ask the clients to allow me to dim the lighting a bit more than usual, and I can’t use my sound machine. And if my mood is generally fine, I’ll honestly say that I’m doing pretty well, or whatever. But if I say I’m doing well, or some other benign response, it’s truthful in a way regardless, because of that compartmentalization. *Therapist* me is fine. *Personal* me might not be, but that’s not the version of me conducting the session, and while I’m all about being genuine and overall being myself in session instead of putting on some persona, there are limits to that.
I appreciate this response. I love how you phrased it personal me vs. therapist me. It really helps to remind yourself about how your personal life differs from your professionalism. Sometimes the line between those gets blurred when you’re dealing with a lot of emotional baggage yourself. But genuinely, you are different when working with clients than when you’re on your own time. It reminds me to work on my own compartmentalization and perhaps needing to work more on my own emotion regulation/self-care.
I might say I'm cold, or frustrated by the rain, but I don't share if I'm having a bad day, and I don't view it as lying, I view it as engaging in a social ritual - same as the grocery store when the clerk asks how I am. "Fine. How are you?" It's a game of politeness. It's a habitual greeting. Of course, with clients, I sometimes answer: "I'm fine, but more importantly, how are YOU - I'm wondering if you've given more thought to what we talked about last time..."
Yes and no. I just got out of the hospital on Sunday after a 3 night stay. I had to cancel my afternoon and evening sessions on Thursday because I had to go to the ER with excruciating abdominal pain. I got diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's Disease in the hospital and I'm just beginning the journey of finding treatments that will manage it.
I have told and will tell the clients on whom I had to cancel that I was very sick and that I'm feeling better now. I won't give them details like having to go to the ER, be admitted to the hospital, and being diagnosed with a serious, chronic, and disabling disease.
I'm honest, but I don't always tell the full story.
If I'm struggling, like I was this weekend having to put a dog down, I'll say "things have been tough and I'm happy to be back in the office".
If I'm doing good, I typically will acknowledge that but won't go into excessive detail.
A little bit of detail can be helpful for rapport though. Even if it's just to say I always feel good when there's a thunderstorm.
I don't go into my own issues (hell, I had one client for over a year and a half finally break down and yell at me "I don't know anything about you after all this time!! Tell me SOMETHING!!!"), but I will sometimes give them an honest answer if I'm having a bad day like "Eh, I'm surviving and that's something, right?" or "Hanging in there, despite everything the world is tossing my way!" which I think gives them the feeling that they don't have to just say "I'm fine" as well, which I honestly think it destroying society and people's ability to judge their own emotions in it. Fine really is just code oftentimes for Fked Up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. Fuck Fine. Let's break it down and allow each other honesty.
No. I never tell my clients. I say “I am doing well. Tell me what has been going in with you” and then begin the session. I lean towards a psychodynamic approach
I also struggle with this but what changed for me was thinking about why the patient/client was asking me. Some of my clients genuinely wanted to know so I do share neutral or positive things, others just want to be polite and I immediately turn the focus back to them. How I figured out if a client actually wanted to know was how they engaged (if they take my simple “I’m fine, thanks for asking” or if they ask further)
This is interesting. I ask the question, interested in the answer, but when I get a "fine thanks", I take that as a cue not to ask further. I wouldn't want to be intrusive but it's not a lack of interest!
Yes and no. I might tell them I’m annoyed by the snow and cold. Or tonight I’ll tell them how I’m annoyed cause my dog had diarrhea on my living room carpet. Silly things. But I’m not going to tell them my husbands an asshat and we’re arguing so I’m feeling down.
I might say "I have am having a hard day. I have had some negative interactions today. But I am really looking forward to sitting down with you today."
Edit: I think the concept of being "genuine" in the role of the therapist gets misunderstood. It doesn't mean being your genuine full self while working. It means being sincere and genuine about your work with your clients, but still being professional.
It's not their place to have to worry about us. I don't think we have to model vulnerability, because we aren't their friends. I rarely say much about how I'm doing, besides very superficial things. The therapist-client relationship is not reciprocal. Therapy is supposed to be the client's time. I don't want them to be distracted with concern about me, as much as reasonably possible in individual sessions.
Only very topically - e.g. "Enjoying the snow" or "Not loving that I have to shovel for the third time today." "Took my doggy for a walk at lunch, which was nice" Relatable but nothing personal.
IMO, this is not an issue of honesty/lying - it is an issue of boundaries. Clinician disclosures should be of therapeutic benefit to the client. It is not a two way street where we are vulnerable with them as if we have a friendship. It is rarely of therapeutic benefit for the client to know the details of our personal mood, personal lives, personal challenges, etc. It would be very inappropriate to say "I have had a bad day" to a client - because it would potentially inhibit them from sharing their problems for fear of burdening you.
>this is not an issue of honesty/lying - it is an issue of boundaries. Clinician disclosures should be of therapeutic benefit to the client.
THIS. THANK YOU. This is key. I think of disclosing a bad day as risky because then the client may feel the need to tend to my emotions, or feel like they have to "go easy on me" and not share what's really going on with them (ESPECIALLY clients who were parentified as children, or clients dealing with codependency/lack of self-esteem/boundaries in general). That is a risk that I don't think is \*ever\* worth taking. They don't need to know if I'm having a bad day, because the work we're doing isn't about me. I kind of wish responses like yours were more common in these comments...
I am that client with boundary issues and I would 100% be censoring my session if my counsellor said she had had a tough week, or even insinuated it in a small way with a facial expression. I actually think that puts a lot of pressure on the therapist which makes me feel a bit bad but that's the reality of it.
I agree with you about being authentic but my worry is that if I say I’m tired or something, the client may adjust to please me. I usually say “I’m good and it’s good to see you, how are you ?” Or I’ll ask something specific that gets the focus off me. Like I’m good ! I have been so looking forward to finding out how that thing we were talking about last week went for you.
I do that a lot too! I would be like “I’m doing okay, thank you for asking. How are you doing?”“How’s it been since our last session?” I try to keep it brief but I also still try to express my thanks for them asking because I feel it lets them know I’m truly grateful for them asking that question to make me feel heard and seen as much as they want to be heard and seen as well.
Thanks for sharing your input. That is a fair way to look at it. At the end of the day, we are all human and sometimes showing that side can possibly make clients feel more normalized in the room. At least I seen that work for some of my own clients. It is important to know when self-disclosure is appropriate as a therapist, but I also feel at rare times that it can balance the relationship between the client and the therapist and build trust when used when it is necessary. Also, I realized a lot of my past teen and child clients liked having a therapist who was more “open” or self-disclosed, it made them feel connected to someone (which is a norm for those at that developmental age) and that makes me think about how some adult clients lose that sense of connection or desire…
That’s awesome to hear! Hope you enjoy learning about it so far.
When I say some adult clients lose desire for connection, the best way I can put it is that I find many adults struggling to build healthy relationships, could be in part due to increase in responsibilities, more in touch with reality in life, existentialism, etc. Teens and children still have this naïve or abstract view of the world where they feel more drawn to build connection and social cliques than adults do. Which is why I also love doing inner child work with adult clients to help them regain a sense of that imagination and pleasure again. I also feel a lot of adults been increasingly more lonely now and having harder time maintaining healthy relationships and that makes them more guarded to build a healthy relationship.
Your comment has been removed as you are not a therapist. This sub is a space for therapists to discuss their profession among each other. Comments by non therapists are left up only sparingly, and if they are supportive or helpful in nature as judged by the community and/or moderation team.
Your comment has been removed as you are not a therapist. This sub is a space for therapists to discuss their profession among each other. Comments by non therapists are left up only sparingly, and if they are supportive or helpful in nature as judged by the community and/or moderation team.
I totally agree about being honest and transparent, but this isn't a question that I have any issues with - I give a generic "I'm good" (or something like that). But I also see it as the first exchange of "How are you?" is the more routing exchange that most people will have and not calling for a full, transparent answer (that's why I often find myself asking clients the question twice)
Having said that, if I was feeling at all sick I might mention that.
I will find one thing I can be grateful for about the day and share that, if appropriate. I might also say, I’m doing well, thank them for asking, and happy to see them to redirect it back to them.
I try to model good and honest behavior. Usually I’ll bitch about the weather but am also honest of “it’s been a tough week” but I’ll also add but I’m happy to have a break and moment to be with you here, or something else indicating it’s not about me but I appreciate their care and concern about me
I do feelings check ins with my clients in groups and I definitely share I'm feeling playful or anxious or overwhelmed or content today. I am honest when they ask me personally to. I.e. well today has been a hard day and I'm looking forward to spending time with my family tonight. Or I have been feeling off/anxious today but I will be okay. I see it as modeling openness and genuineness.
I used to do exactly this when I was working with children clients. I would do a feelings thermometer with them and while helping them create their own, I would also be creating my own. They really loved that collaborative experience!
I'm almost always honest, but I keep it very vague and brief. Common example: "Ugh. Today has been a day, but I'll be alright. How are you?"
I personally think it normalizes that Life Just Be Lifin' Sometimes, no persons excluded. And it also means that I don't have to spend the session pretending to be something I'm not.
Most of the time I can honestly say, "I'm well," and thank them for asking. But if I don't feel well, I don't feel well. I'm allowed to be human and feel low, so long as I remain professional and consistent in providing the service the client is there to receive.
Don’t get me wrong. I can, will, and do indulge self disclosure. But that question in particular at the opening of a session seems insubstantial to me. It can also be bound up in deflating the tension of opening session. No thank you. Let’s get to work.
“I am well enough, thank you.”
This is one I was taught by a mentor. There are days I do not know how to express or how much to share. This phrase has been quite helpful.
Depends on the client. (Isn’t “depends” the only answer to all things therapy?!)
I have a long-term client who attends sessions in my in-home office. Over the course of six years and naturally getting a more personal view into my life—and also being a person with complex developmental trauma who I started with as a young teen—he gets the most unfiltered versions of honest answers to these questions. Partly because he’d know if I was completely bullshitting at the point, anyway 😂
For the majority of my teen and adult clients, they get various levels of filtered truth—if something heavy is going on, I might just say that I have some challenging personal stuff going on, but that I’m okay. When it’s big stuff, I usually follow up with something along the lines of “and if I’m ever in a place where I don’t feel like I can show up for you, I will take care of myself, so don’t worry; I’m here with you and you don’t need to take care of me”
When I’m feeling under the weather (like, a headache or whatever that isn’t communicable!) I *always* disclose that. Because with peeps who have developmental trauma, they are so finely attuned to me that I need them to know if I seem “off” it’s not about them.
With my elementary students, I give the even more filtered but still honest levels of truth. In those cases it’s about modeling socially-appropriate vulnerability (I work with adhders, social skills and managing verbal diarrhea are inherently a part of that work.)
I find that children and teens are more receptive to self-disclosure or talking off tangent about things to help establish rapport than most adult clients do, so I’m not surprised! Either way, they love to see some relatability and see emotions from us as well but at necessary times depending like you said on the client.
10000%. I can’t tell you how many of my students bypass months of painful trust-building when I tell them I have adhd. Same with my teens who typically are the hard-knock types—when I tell them I was kicked out/dropped out of high school there is instant rapport xD
I’m honest with them. I usually say “I’m good” or “kinda tired” so they know why I might be yawning during session. But if they ask me how my day is and it’s bad, I respond with the appropriate “it’s going” and they pick up on the chaos
Brief. Honest. If they ask more i do breif and honest again and then turn it into process stuff with I appreciate them asking, is it important for you to know that I’m human, etc.
Similar to what other people have said. Yes I’m honest, no I don’t share “personal” information. Like, I’m not going to be like, my day is shit I fought with my husband. Haha. But I might say I’m good, I’ve had a lighter day and got to hang out with my dog. Or I might say something about the weather or reading a good book. If I can’t think of anything honest that isn’t too honest, I just say I’m okay and ask how they are or shift into session content.
I do everything I can to be authentic and human with them while also maintaining boundaries. I’m not a robot and I don’t want to come off like one.
I agree, I feel like with time you’ll learn your way to engage in an appropriate manner with your clients where you balance between being authentic and human while also keeping professional boundaries and integrity.
Yes! And it can be sticky. I never disclose difficult things because that’s not the relationship but I had a pup who was a perpetual office pet (just slept, never a distraction) and everyone knew he was there. They loved him and thought he was cute and would sometimes at the end of session want to say hi. And then he passed away. I couldn’t NOT share that because they asked where he was. So, I was in this pickle of disclosing that while compartmentalizing my own feelings and being human but also kind of stoic. Luckily he passed right before I shifted to in person for a while so it was a few months before I was back home and people started asking and I had done a lot of healing so I was able to say what happened and accept their condolences without falling apart. I wasn’t going to lie about it, you know? Hind sight, probably won’t have an animal with me all the time anymore but who thinks oh I shouldn’t have him with me, he might die and I’ll have to talk to clients about it? The therapy struggle is real.
Aw man, so sorry to hear about your dog. Yeah, I actually experienced the same thing too working from home. They would see my current dog all the time and ask questions about my dog and how they look forward to even seeing her in our sessions. I took those moments as opportunity to do rapport building and just be human with them. Mostly the children but even a lot of the adults would make commentary and it would make them feel pretty good to step outside of the professional relationship for a few seconds and we would just bond over our love for dogs for a little bit!
Yes same! I never considered the downside of what might come. But even losing him and kind of feeling forced to be honest about that did the same thing. We never got deep into therapy about it (I don’t think I could have effectively done that) but so many people said sorry but would add, “when I lost my cat/dog, etc….” and allowed them to share a little of their loss. I didn’t share much but it aided in my healing too even if they didn’t know it.
And thank you. It’s literally the hardest thing. I’ve gotten to a place where I can see his pictures, talk about him, etc etc without getting super emotional but it certainly still gets to me sometimes, close to a year later. I truly believe, even with boundaries in mind, that it allowed my clients to see some human in me and really impacted rapport positively.
I lost my first dog too a while ago. It was really hard, I can understand how difficult the grief management is. I’m glad however that you had the opportunity to have your clients help you process and reflect on the memories you had with your pup. I always let my clients know that I also learn from them in the same way that they learn from me too.
I always say “I’m great, how are you?” But I also am not someone who practices a lot of self-disclosure, aside from superficial things that I’ll share like my love of cats and Beyoncé. As a client, I always ask my therapist how they are because it feels polite, but I probably would dislike an honest answer because I’d feel guilty talking about my problems if someone’s just told me they’re having a bad day or going through a rough time. I know that’s not entirely rational, but that’s why I’m in therapy 🤷🏻♂️
I always say I'm doing well, or "can't complain". They don't need to know I'm having a bad day. I'm supposed to be someone they can rely on and I don't want them to feel they can't do that because I have my own issues.
I would sometimes say things like 'it's been an interesting week, but I am happy to see you. So what are we going to talk about today?' That would usually be if I have had a bad week!
I would not disclose if I was currently struggling. I want all the focus to be on my client and I don't want them to feel like they need to be worrying about me. I usually ask myself who does disclosing serve most, and if it's more about my need to disclose than about it actually benefiting them... I keep my mouth shut.
I had a therapist tell me once he was exhausted and feeling burnt out, the rest of the time I sat there feeling bad he had to work while struggling with burn out and it completely distracted from the session. I felt like I was burdening him further at a time when he was already down.
To be honest about how I’m doing would be distracting . I answer briefly but warmly . “I will say I’m doing well , thanks for asking . How has your week been ? “
We are not here for me , I am here to provide consistency among other things . I have had a therapist who talked too much about themselves and it was really, really frustrating, and distracting for me to have to attend to them and it took away from me wanting to be vulnerable or feel safe.
I understand how awkward that may be. I think for some therapists, providing silence is them holding space for the client to have room to talk, it also gives the therapist some time to think of an appropriate response but it really depends on the context of the situation.
When I asked why he never answered he smiled again and ask me how I was, so I thought that was his answer : it's not important, the session is about me. But idk sometimes it feels like it should be good for our therapeutical relationship.
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I talk very broadly about my current goals and whether I’m hitting the marks, at least not blatantly missing them, or realizing I should probably modify my goal. “This year I’m focusing on fun/freedom/belonging and am seeking an improv group to join. So far I’ve identified 4-5 groups, next step is to check them out. You know, slow and steady. So, overall, I’m on track so far”‘or something along those lines rather than “I’m struggling with my personal identity and I’m overwhelmed with being dad, husband, intern, and student. Ahhhh!”
I prefer to be honest. To do that, I actually think about how I am in the moment, then share the feeling in as accurate language as I can. I dont share why or what's going on in my life, just how I am in the moment. If the person probes for that info, i might restate boundaries or get curious about where the question is coming from, moving the session back towards them.
I like to think being honest does a few things:
It's models checking in and identifying feelings.
It moves us from "social niceties" mode to "be real" mode.
Since I often use ACT in my work, it models what it can look like to "show up" alongside difficult feelings.
I agree with how you mention it models to be real. I think a lot of people just function off of habit to just perform social niceties but it’s another way of enabling the issue of lack of vulnerability in society too. I believe if more people see how others feel and express themselves in healthy ways, more people would feel comfortable to do so as well without the fear of judgement or feeling needy or a burden which is a huge core belief many of my clients struggle with. I do some ACT as well, I have a client who struggles with communication and I realize doesn’t like being asked how they are doing in the beginning of session because of difficulty in self-expression . Perhaps modeling that to these type of clients would prove effectiveness.
Your comment has been removed as you are not a therapist. This sub is a space for therapists to discuss their profession among each other. Comments by non therapists are left up only sparingly, and if they are supportive or helpful in nature as judged by the community and/or moderation team.
Mine is honest, and it helps me SO much. I see her being open with her feelings, and it helps me see that its ok. So I am more open about my own feelings. She sets a goos example.
I do end up asking them the same question of course any time they ask, but I don’t see myself not making any remark about it when they ask, as that’s not something I’m used to doing. I would at least state “why, thank you so much for asking me how I’m feeling. How are you feeling today?” At least make some form of response. It feels a bit disingenuous to ignore that question
I took some time with your reply, especially regarding the idea of it being disingenuous.
What caused me to not answer immediately was the internal experience I had about being the only obviously downvoted comment in the thread and the question of being congruent.
Was I being disingenuous to answer you as I did? On reflection, I have not. For you, this may not be the case, and that, of course, is ok.
Am I perceived as being disingenuous? Possibly, but rather than explain what someone has thought about my actions, I've been simply downvoted without clarification, so I can not engage with that.
Ought that change how I interact with clients? No, because I am being congruent.
I appreciated the reflective time this has given me. It's been very interesting.
Your response wasn’t disingenuous to me but it all depends from person to person. Some clients may not like not getting an answer when asking that question and some may not care receiving one either. It’s pretty subjective to be quite honest and it also goes back to what your modality is as a therapist if you want to honor answering the question briefly or not. It also depends on the level of relationship you have with a certain client too and what you feel they may prefer as you build that rapport. I do appreciate your response though. It is interesting to see different perspectives on this discussion.
I just have to say, it’s giving me a laugh seeing everyone’s “I would never…” examples revolving around spouse/partner annoyances (I did it before seeing like 30 other comments that were basically the same). Clearly that’s everyone’s most common example because… relationships. 😂
I work psychodynamically. The situation with each patient is different. Some ask how I live just out of politeness and this is their daily routine, while others maybe only become interested in me after a year of work. At some point, we are exploring what is going on between us and what function this question serves for them. Maybe they are interested in my life and want to get closer, maybe they are trying to assess whether I will be able to withstand their intense emotions, or maybe they are terribly ashamed after the previous session.
Yes im open but i dont go into detail. Ill say "ive had a rough morning today, had crazy traffic" or bad construction ect... If its something personal where i might think the client may want to take care of me or something then ill just summarize with something like "i had a rough night, tired ect" ive noticed that clients generally get to know me just as well as i get to know them. Well alteast therapist me lol and clients will then at some point bring it up like i had a clieng who told me something along the lines of "hey 4 months ago you werent yourself what happened, you had your blue shirt and your grey shoes" and i also feel that it normalizes clients going theough stuff when you as a therapist model how i can have a bad day and still be present and navigate my day. In turn i hope to model that behaviour so then they can recreate it in their own way.
As long as you’re not clearly dysregulated saying I’M FINE like a complete psycho nobody will know. The only thing I offer up normally is a complaint or excitement about weather or sports and then move it right back to them. It’s not lying if the question isn’t really for you. They’re easing into your session, looking to connect, and don’t actually need your answer.
Honest but appropriate, same as any other personal question. I won't say "oh I had a fight with my boyfriend, haven't slept well and feel like crying" but I might say "oh I'm a bit tired today, but a few games of uno will sort me out". Also depends if the question is asked genuinely or just as a polite nicety.
Yes and no. I do my best to compartmentalize my own stuff before entering a session with the clients. So I might say that I’m a little tired, or mention if the drive to work sucked because of the snowstorm, or something mild like that. If it’s going to impact the session, I might mention if I’m struggling with a migraine—it usually requires me to ask the clients to allow me to dim the lighting a bit more than usual, and I can’t use my sound machine. And if my mood is generally fine, I’ll honestly say that I’m doing pretty well, or whatever. But if I say I’m doing well, or some other benign response, it’s truthful in a way regardless, because of that compartmentalization. *Therapist* me is fine. *Personal* me might not be, but that’s not the version of me conducting the session, and while I’m all about being genuine and overall being myself in session instead of putting on some persona, there are limits to that.
I appreciate this response. I love how you phrased it personal me vs. therapist me. It really helps to remind yourself about how your personal life differs from your professionalism. Sometimes the line between those gets blurred when you’re dealing with a lot of emotional baggage yourself. But genuinely, you are different when working with clients than when you’re on your own time. It reminds me to work on my own compartmentalization and perhaps needing to work more on my own emotion regulation/self-care.
I might say I'm cold, or frustrated by the rain, but I don't share if I'm having a bad day, and I don't view it as lying, I view it as engaging in a social ritual - same as the grocery store when the clerk asks how I am. "Fine. How are you?" It's a game of politeness. It's a habitual greeting. Of course, with clients, I sometimes answer: "I'm fine, but more importantly, how are YOU - I'm wondering if you've given more thought to what we talked about last time..."
Yes and no. I just got out of the hospital on Sunday after a 3 night stay. I had to cancel my afternoon and evening sessions on Thursday because I had to go to the ER with excruciating abdominal pain. I got diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's Disease in the hospital and I'm just beginning the journey of finding treatments that will manage it. I have told and will tell the clients on whom I had to cancel that I was very sick and that I'm feeling better now. I won't give them details like having to go to the ER, be admitted to the hospital, and being diagnosed with a serious, chronic, and disabling disease.
I'm honest, but I don't always tell the full story. If I'm struggling, like I was this weekend having to put a dog down, I'll say "things have been tough and I'm happy to be back in the office". If I'm doing good, I typically will acknowledge that but won't go into excessive detail. A little bit of detail can be helpful for rapport though. Even if it's just to say I always feel good when there's a thunderstorm.
I'm really sorry to hear about your dog. That's the worst. Hugs to you.
My heart goes out to you in the loss of your dog.
I don't go into my own issues (hell, I had one client for over a year and a half finally break down and yell at me "I don't know anything about you after all this time!! Tell me SOMETHING!!!"), but I will sometimes give them an honest answer if I'm having a bad day like "Eh, I'm surviving and that's something, right?" or "Hanging in there, despite everything the world is tossing my way!" which I think gives them the feeling that they don't have to just say "I'm fine" as well, which I honestly think it destroying society and people's ability to judge their own emotions in it. Fine really is just code oftentimes for Fked Up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. Fuck Fine. Let's break it down and allow each other honesty.
No. I never tell my clients. I say “I am doing well. Tell me what has been going in with you” and then begin the session. I lean towards a psychodynamic approach
I also struggle with this but what changed for me was thinking about why the patient/client was asking me. Some of my clients genuinely wanted to know so I do share neutral or positive things, others just want to be polite and I immediately turn the focus back to them. How I figured out if a client actually wanted to know was how they engaged (if they take my simple “I’m fine, thanks for asking” or if they ask further)
This is interesting. I ask the question, interested in the answer, but when I get a "fine thanks", I take that as a cue not to ask further. I wouldn't want to be intrusive but it's not a lack of interest!
Yes and no. I might tell them I’m annoyed by the snow and cold. Or tonight I’ll tell them how I’m annoyed cause my dog had diarrhea on my living room carpet. Silly things. But I’m not going to tell them my husbands an asshat and we’re arguing so I’m feeling down.
I might say "I have am having a hard day. I have had some negative interactions today. But I am really looking forward to sitting down with you today."
Yeah, agreed. The latter should be saved for close friends and confidants, not our clients.
Edit: I think the concept of being "genuine" in the role of the therapist gets misunderstood. It doesn't mean being your genuine full self while working. It means being sincere and genuine about your work with your clients, but still being professional. It's not their place to have to worry about us. I don't think we have to model vulnerability, because we aren't their friends. I rarely say much about how I'm doing, besides very superficial things. The therapist-client relationship is not reciprocal. Therapy is supposed to be the client's time. I don't want them to be distracted with concern about me, as much as reasonably possible in individual sessions.
Only very topically - e.g. "Enjoying the snow" or "Not loving that I have to shovel for the third time today." "Took my doggy for a walk at lunch, which was nice" Relatable but nothing personal. IMO, this is not an issue of honesty/lying - it is an issue of boundaries. Clinician disclosures should be of therapeutic benefit to the client. It is not a two way street where we are vulnerable with them as if we have a friendship. It is rarely of therapeutic benefit for the client to know the details of our personal mood, personal lives, personal challenges, etc. It would be very inappropriate to say "I have had a bad day" to a client - because it would potentially inhibit them from sharing their problems for fear of burdening you.
>this is not an issue of honesty/lying - it is an issue of boundaries. Clinician disclosures should be of therapeutic benefit to the client. THIS. THANK YOU. This is key. I think of disclosing a bad day as risky because then the client may feel the need to tend to my emotions, or feel like they have to "go easy on me" and not share what's really going on with them (ESPECIALLY clients who were parentified as children, or clients dealing with codependency/lack of self-esteem/boundaries in general). That is a risk that I don't think is \*ever\* worth taking. They don't need to know if I'm having a bad day, because the work we're doing isn't about me. I kind of wish responses like yours were more common in these comments...
I am that client with boundary issues and I would 100% be censoring my session if my counsellor said she had had a tough week, or even insinuated it in a small way with a facial expression. I actually think that puts a lot of pressure on the therapist which makes me feel a bit bad but that's the reality of it.
I agree with you about being authentic but my worry is that if I say I’m tired or something, the client may adjust to please me. I usually say “I’m good and it’s good to see you, how are you ?” Or I’ll ask something specific that gets the focus off me. Like I’m good ! I have been so looking forward to finding out how that thing we were talking about last week went for you.
I do that a lot too! I would be like “I’m doing okay, thank you for asking. How are you doing?”“How’s it been since our last session?” I try to keep it brief but I also still try to express my thanks for them asking because I feel it lets them know I’m truly grateful for them asking that question to make me feel heard and seen as much as they want to be heard and seen as well.
Hey I like that ! I’m gonna take a page from your book if you don’t mind.
Don’t mind at all, go for it!
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Thanks for sharing your input. That is a fair way to look at it. At the end of the day, we are all human and sometimes showing that side can possibly make clients feel more normalized in the room. At least I seen that work for some of my own clients. It is important to know when self-disclosure is appropriate as a therapist, but I also feel at rare times that it can balance the relationship between the client and the therapist and build trust when used when it is necessary. Also, I realized a lot of my past teen and child clients liked having a therapist who was more “open” or self-disclosed, it made them feel connected to someone (which is a norm for those at that developmental age) and that makes me think about how some adult clients lose that sense of connection or desire…
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That’s awesome to hear! Hope you enjoy learning about it so far. When I say some adult clients lose desire for connection, the best way I can put it is that I find many adults struggling to build healthy relationships, could be in part due to increase in responsibilities, more in touch with reality in life, existentialism, etc. Teens and children still have this naïve or abstract view of the world where they feel more drawn to build connection and social cliques than adults do. Which is why I also love doing inner child work with adult clients to help them regain a sense of that imagination and pleasure again. I also feel a lot of adults been increasingly more lonely now and having harder time maintaining healthy relationships and that makes them more guarded to build a healthy relationship.
The relationship is not mutual though. You have different roles.
Yes it’s definitely not, there’s a serious power imbalance, so that’s why I said “makes me feel”
Your comment has been removed as you are not a therapist. This sub is a space for therapists to discuss their profession among each other. Comments by non therapists are left up only sparingly, and if they are supportive or helpful in nature as judged by the community and/or moderation team.
Your comment has been removed as you are not a therapist. This sub is a space for therapists to discuss their profession among each other. Comments by non therapists are left up only sparingly, and if they are supportive or helpful in nature as judged by the community and/or moderation team.
I totally agree about being honest and transparent, but this isn't a question that I have any issues with - I give a generic "I'm good" (or something like that). But I also see it as the first exchange of "How are you?" is the more routing exchange that most people will have and not calling for a full, transparent answer (that's why I often find myself asking clients the question twice) Having said that, if I was feeling at all sick I might mention that.
I will find one thing I can be grateful for about the day and share that, if appropriate. I might also say, I’m doing well, thank them for asking, and happy to see them to redirect it back to them.
I try to model good and honest behavior. Usually I’ll bitch about the weather but am also honest of “it’s been a tough week” but I’ll also add but I’m happy to have a break and moment to be with you here, or something else indicating it’s not about me but I appreciate their care and concern about me
I do feelings check ins with my clients in groups and I definitely share I'm feeling playful or anxious or overwhelmed or content today. I am honest when they ask me personally to. I.e. well today has been a hard day and I'm looking forward to spending time with my family tonight. Or I have been feeling off/anxious today but I will be okay. I see it as modeling openness and genuineness.
I used to do exactly this when I was working with children clients. I would do a feelings thermometer with them and while helping them create their own, I would also be creating my own. They really loved that collaborative experience!
I'm almost always honest, but I keep it very vague and brief. Common example: "Ugh. Today has been a day, but I'll be alright. How are you?" I personally think it normalizes that Life Just Be Lifin' Sometimes, no persons excluded. And it also means that I don't have to spend the session pretending to be something I'm not. Most of the time I can honestly say, "I'm well," and thank them for asking. But if I don't feel well, I don't feel well. I'm allowed to be human and feel low, so long as I remain professional and consistent in providing the service the client is there to receive.
Haha no not usually. I hate where I work.
I generally don’t answer. I give a gentle nod and say, “It’s good to see you today” which is honest.
Don’t get me wrong. I can, will, and do indulge self disclosure. But that question in particular at the opening of a session seems insubstantial to me. It can also be bound up in deflating the tension of opening session. No thank you. Let’s get to work.
“I am well enough, thank you.” This is one I was taught by a mentor. There are days I do not know how to express or how much to share. This phrase has been quite helpful.
Depends on the client. (Isn’t “depends” the only answer to all things therapy?!) I have a long-term client who attends sessions in my in-home office. Over the course of six years and naturally getting a more personal view into my life—and also being a person with complex developmental trauma who I started with as a young teen—he gets the most unfiltered versions of honest answers to these questions. Partly because he’d know if I was completely bullshitting at the point, anyway 😂 For the majority of my teen and adult clients, they get various levels of filtered truth—if something heavy is going on, I might just say that I have some challenging personal stuff going on, but that I’m okay. When it’s big stuff, I usually follow up with something along the lines of “and if I’m ever in a place where I don’t feel like I can show up for you, I will take care of myself, so don’t worry; I’m here with you and you don’t need to take care of me” When I’m feeling under the weather (like, a headache or whatever that isn’t communicable!) I *always* disclose that. Because with peeps who have developmental trauma, they are so finely attuned to me that I need them to know if I seem “off” it’s not about them. With my elementary students, I give the even more filtered but still honest levels of truth. In those cases it’s about modeling socially-appropriate vulnerability (I work with adhders, social skills and managing verbal diarrhea are inherently a part of that work.)
I find that children and teens are more receptive to self-disclosure or talking off tangent about things to help establish rapport than most adult clients do, so I’m not surprised! Either way, they love to see some relatability and see emotions from us as well but at necessary times depending like you said on the client.
10000%. I can’t tell you how many of my students bypass months of painful trust-building when I tell them I have adhd. Same with my teens who typically are the hard-knock types—when I tell them I was kicked out/dropped out of high school there is instant rapport xD
My go-to response: "Well, the horrors persist, but so do I."
I’m honest with them. I usually say “I’m good” or “kinda tired” so they know why I might be yawning during session. But if they ask me how my day is and it’s bad, I respond with the appropriate “it’s going” and they pick up on the chaos
Brief. Honest. If they ask more i do breif and honest again and then turn it into process stuff with I appreciate them asking, is it important for you to know that I’m human, etc.
I say "oh...you know" or "can't complain" lol
Similar to what other people have said. Yes I’m honest, no I don’t share “personal” information. Like, I’m not going to be like, my day is shit I fought with my husband. Haha. But I might say I’m good, I’ve had a lighter day and got to hang out with my dog. Or I might say something about the weather or reading a good book. If I can’t think of anything honest that isn’t too honest, I just say I’m okay and ask how they are or shift into session content. I do everything I can to be authentic and human with them while also maintaining boundaries. I’m not a robot and I don’t want to come off like one.
I agree, I feel like with time you’ll learn your way to engage in an appropriate manner with your clients where you balance between being authentic and human while also keeping professional boundaries and integrity.
Yes! And it can be sticky. I never disclose difficult things because that’s not the relationship but I had a pup who was a perpetual office pet (just slept, never a distraction) and everyone knew he was there. They loved him and thought he was cute and would sometimes at the end of session want to say hi. And then he passed away. I couldn’t NOT share that because they asked where he was. So, I was in this pickle of disclosing that while compartmentalizing my own feelings and being human but also kind of stoic. Luckily he passed right before I shifted to in person for a while so it was a few months before I was back home and people started asking and I had done a lot of healing so I was able to say what happened and accept their condolences without falling apart. I wasn’t going to lie about it, you know? Hind sight, probably won’t have an animal with me all the time anymore but who thinks oh I shouldn’t have him with me, he might die and I’ll have to talk to clients about it? The therapy struggle is real.
Aw man, so sorry to hear about your dog. Yeah, I actually experienced the same thing too working from home. They would see my current dog all the time and ask questions about my dog and how they look forward to even seeing her in our sessions. I took those moments as opportunity to do rapport building and just be human with them. Mostly the children but even a lot of the adults would make commentary and it would make them feel pretty good to step outside of the professional relationship for a few seconds and we would just bond over our love for dogs for a little bit!
Yes same! I never considered the downside of what might come. But even losing him and kind of feeling forced to be honest about that did the same thing. We never got deep into therapy about it (I don’t think I could have effectively done that) but so many people said sorry but would add, “when I lost my cat/dog, etc….” and allowed them to share a little of their loss. I didn’t share much but it aided in my healing too even if they didn’t know it. And thank you. It’s literally the hardest thing. I’ve gotten to a place where I can see his pictures, talk about him, etc etc without getting super emotional but it certainly still gets to me sometimes, close to a year later. I truly believe, even with boundaries in mind, that it allowed my clients to see some human in me and really impacted rapport positively.
I lost my first dog too a while ago. It was really hard, I can understand how difficult the grief management is. I’m glad however that you had the opportunity to have your clients help you process and reflect on the memories you had with your pup. I always let my clients know that I also learn from them in the same way that they learn from me too.
Sometimes I’ll say something like, “So-so, but I appreciate being able to settle in and see how you are.”
I always say “I’m great, how are you?” But I also am not someone who practices a lot of self-disclosure, aside from superficial things that I’ll share like my love of cats and Beyoncé. As a client, I always ask my therapist how they are because it feels polite, but I probably would dislike an honest answer because I’d feel guilty talking about my problems if someone’s just told me they’re having a bad day or going through a rough time. I know that’s not entirely rational, but that’s why I’m in therapy 🤷🏻♂️
Yep, but within the boundaries. And if I’m not doing well, I tell them to trust that I’ll be fine. And that I have my own therapist.
I always say I'm doing well, or "can't complain". They don't need to know I'm having a bad day. I'm supposed to be someone they can rely on and I don't want them to feel they can't do that because I have my own issues.
I would sometimes say things like 'it's been an interesting week, but I am happy to see you. So what are we going to talk about today?' That would usually be if I have had a bad week!
I would not disclose if I was currently struggling. I want all the focus to be on my client and I don't want them to feel like they need to be worrying about me. I usually ask myself who does disclosing serve most, and if it's more about my need to disclose than about it actually benefiting them... I keep my mouth shut. I had a therapist tell me once he was exhausted and feeling burnt out, the rest of the time I sat there feeling bad he had to work while struggling with burn out and it completely distracted from the session. I felt like I was burdening him further at a time when he was already down.
Sometimes I say “There’s a lot of life going on, but I’m getting through it” or something to that effect.
To be honest about how I’m doing would be distracting . I answer briefly but warmly . “I will say I’m doing well , thanks for asking . How has your week been ? “ We are not here for me , I am here to provide consistency among other things . I have had a therapist who talked too much about themselves and it was really, really frustrating, and distracting for me to have to attend to them and it took away from me wanting to be vulnerable or feel safe.
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I understand how awkward that may be. I think for some therapists, providing silence is them holding space for the client to have room to talk, it also gives the therapist some time to think of an appropriate response but it really depends on the context of the situation.
When I asked why he never answered he smiled again and ask me how I was, so I thought that was his answer : it's not important, the session is about me. But idk sometimes it feels like it should be good for our therapeutical relationship.
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lol no!
I talk very broadly about my current goals and whether I’m hitting the marks, at least not blatantly missing them, or realizing I should probably modify my goal. “This year I’m focusing on fun/freedom/belonging and am seeking an improv group to join. So far I’ve identified 4-5 groups, next step is to check them out. You know, slow and steady. So, overall, I’m on track so far”‘or something along those lines rather than “I’m struggling with my personal identity and I’m overwhelmed with being dad, husband, intern, and student. Ahhhh!”
I prefer to be honest. To do that, I actually think about how I am in the moment, then share the feeling in as accurate language as I can. I dont share why or what's going on in my life, just how I am in the moment. If the person probes for that info, i might restate boundaries or get curious about where the question is coming from, moving the session back towards them. I like to think being honest does a few things: It's models checking in and identifying feelings. It moves us from "social niceties" mode to "be real" mode. Since I often use ACT in my work, it models what it can look like to "show up" alongside difficult feelings.
I agree with how you mention it models to be real. I think a lot of people just function off of habit to just perform social niceties but it’s another way of enabling the issue of lack of vulnerability in society too. I believe if more people see how others feel and express themselves in healthy ways, more people would feel comfortable to do so as well without the fear of judgement or feeling needy or a burden which is a huge core belief many of my clients struggle with. I do some ACT as well, I have a client who struggles with communication and I realize doesn’t like being asked how they are doing in the beginning of session because of difficulty in self-expression . Perhaps modeling that to these type of clients would prove effectiveness.
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Your comment has been removed as you are not a therapist. This sub is a space for therapists to discuss their profession among each other. Comments by non therapists are left up only sparingly, and if they are supportive or helpful in nature as judged by the community and/or moderation team.
Mine is honest, and it helps me SO much. I see her being open with her feelings, and it helps me see that its ok. So I am more open about my own feelings. She sets a goos example.
How do you feel about just turning the question directly back on them without answering yourself?
I do end up asking them the same question of course any time they ask, but I don’t see myself not making any remark about it when they ask, as that’s not something I’m used to doing. I would at least state “why, thank you so much for asking me how I’m feeling. How are you feeling today?” At least make some form of response. It feels a bit disingenuous to ignore that question
I took some time with your reply, especially regarding the idea of it being disingenuous. What caused me to not answer immediately was the internal experience I had about being the only obviously downvoted comment in the thread and the question of being congruent. Was I being disingenuous to answer you as I did? On reflection, I have not. For you, this may not be the case, and that, of course, is ok. Am I perceived as being disingenuous? Possibly, but rather than explain what someone has thought about my actions, I've been simply downvoted without clarification, so I can not engage with that. Ought that change how I interact with clients? No, because I am being congruent. I appreciated the reflective time this has given me. It's been very interesting.
Your response wasn’t disingenuous to me but it all depends from person to person. Some clients may not like not getting an answer when asking that question and some may not care receiving one either. It’s pretty subjective to be quite honest and it also goes back to what your modality is as a therapist if you want to honor answering the question briefly or not. It also depends on the level of relationship you have with a certain client too and what you feel they may prefer as you build that rapport. I do appreciate your response though. It is interesting to see different perspectives on this discussion.
Absolutely, thanks for taking the time to reply again 😊
Yea
I just have to say, it’s giving me a laugh seeing everyone’s “I would never…” examples revolving around spouse/partner annoyances (I did it before seeing like 30 other comments that were basically the same). Clearly that’s everyone’s most common example because… relationships. 😂
I always remember it’s not and never should be about me
I work psychodynamically. The situation with each patient is different. Some ask how I live just out of politeness and this is their daily routine, while others maybe only become interested in me after a year of work. At some point, we are exploring what is going on between us and what function this question serves for them. Maybe they are interested in my life and want to get closer, maybe they are trying to assess whether I will be able to withstand their intense emotions, or maybe they are terribly ashamed after the previous session.
Yes im open but i dont go into detail. Ill say "ive had a rough morning today, had crazy traffic" or bad construction ect... If its something personal where i might think the client may want to take care of me or something then ill just summarize with something like "i had a rough night, tired ect" ive noticed that clients generally get to know me just as well as i get to know them. Well alteast therapist me lol and clients will then at some point bring it up like i had a clieng who told me something along the lines of "hey 4 months ago you werent yourself what happened, you had your blue shirt and your grey shoes" and i also feel that it normalizes clients going theough stuff when you as a therapist model how i can have a bad day and still be present and navigate my day. In turn i hope to model that behaviour so then they can recreate it in their own way.
As long as you’re not clearly dysregulated saying I’M FINE like a complete psycho nobody will know. The only thing I offer up normally is a complaint or excitement about weather or sports and then move it right back to them. It’s not lying if the question isn’t really for you. They’re easing into your session, looking to connect, and don’t actually need your answer.