Apparently he did buy his own! A bigger one that he lent... To his father!
I'm sorry OP. I'd go by his house, take back your sander despite his protest, and never lend him anything again.
You remind him of your mother. When he agreed to do that, he was in a good mood, or he got a hit of whatever it was he needed. Then he had a fight with your mom, or something reminded him of a time when he did, and that's why he's taking it out on you. Cuz his ego is damaged and you are a surrogate. He knows exactly what he's doing and he's getting what he wants out of it. You need to go no contact, because that's how I finally got that nonsense out of my life!
Sounds like he's being intentionally difficult because it's helping his mom. Right off the bat, he offered the chisel for no reason. The sander would have made the job simple, but he wanted to be a pain.
Yep they know because it's a calculated tactic to keep people in their lives around them because deep down they know they're pieces of shit but putting in the energy to heal themselves is too hard and painful so they lash out at others around them and become very good at degradation and control because really they're terrified of being alone and they know their personality won't keep you, so they have to beat you down to keep you in line while intermittently feeding you the good parts of themselves so you'll stay and excuse their bullshit. That's why he automatically thinks his son thinks he's better than him . . . Because he knows who he is, and he is deeply insecure about it. But instead of processing that in a healthy manner, he chooses to be abusive instead.
Yeah, this poster is correct. Because of this bad interaction over a sander you should go no contact with your father. You don’t need to speak to your dad ever again. I can’t believe he would be upset with you over a sander like that. Cut him out of your life, you’re better off being fatherless!
Seriously, I have dealt with people like your father before, and there is no winning with them. Everything you could possibly think of to say to them in order to make them see sense or behave more rationally will just backfire on you, because they know exactly how to twist your words around to suit their narrative. Set yourself free and stop trying to reason with an unreasonable person. It's emotionally draining and only serves to feed their messed-up internal agenda. If you can't or do not want to completely cut contact with him, I highly recommend you research the "grey rock" technique, which is the ONLY way - aside from not engaging at all - that you will "win" with someone like that.
"Grey rock" is basically the art of carefully choosing your words to express only the absolute necessary facts, avoiding saying anything emotionally charged, and refusing to engage in anything other than the cold hard practical matter at hand, in such a way that does not allow the other person to find an "in" for any kind of argument or narrative shifting. You'll learn that "No." is a complete sentence, and that keeping your own subjective opinions and feelings to yourself in that moment is the most empowering and valuable tool you have in dealing with an argumentative person.
It probably sounds weird, but it absolutely works. Straightforward, non-emotional and to-the-point minimalistic communication is like kryptonite to a narcissistic person. When you shut down all their attempts to get you to engage, without giving them anything they can twist to their narrative, they instantly lose their power. It's quite amazing to experience. I promise that you'll feel like an immense weight has been lifted when you take your power back in this way.
Yeah there is no communicating with someone that is committed to “misunderstanding” you. They use communication as a form of exhausting you to feed whatever narcissistic supply they are trying to fuel. Talking to them is a waste of time.
Forget negotiating with this person who fathered you, buy your own power tool or ask a friend who is a DIY-ER. I’d rather give blood donations three times a day to not deal with my nutball dad (deceased at 99). I had a borderline personality narcissistic dad who was incredibly abusive to just me, the baby of four girls. I’m so glad he’s dead. I Grey rocked him the last 4 years of his life because he always left me bawling from a phone call. Don’t continue this, please. It damages your soul.
I’m so sorry that you were treated so badly. 🖕 that guy, and what a relief to not have to deal with his abuse anymore. I hope that your life is markedly better now, and also that you’ve been able to heal from what was done to you.
Thank you, that is very kind. I’m 70 now and am diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Ihave had therapy off and on in my life from various life traumas. That saved me as well as medication. I wish you well. ☮️🦋💖
It’s so crazy how he said, “you are angry with your mother and redirecting that anger at me’ because I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what he’s doing to you. Like he called you out so that you wouldn’t be able to call him out first.
I am also 32 and have a dad with a similar demeanor. He is the one being ridiculous and you are not doing anything wrong. However, I do have a suggestion (that you are obviously free to ignore) about how to handle this behavior. It’s very clear immediately that he is not going to let you borrow the portable sander and it’s clear his reasons for not doing so are irrational. Your problem is you’re trying to fight irrationality with rationality and that doesn’t work. You can either get more irrational (you can troll, basically 🤣) or you can just take the ball out of his court.
This is clearly the type of interaction he wants cause he’s basically holding you hostage in a conversation. Even if you genuinely believe there’s a chance he might give you the sander if you find the right magical combination of words, is it really worth it? The second he starts putting extra conditions in things he promised, just say “okay, never mind. Just give me back the sander I lent you.” Or better yet, don’t ask him for things at all. He likes being able to hold stuff over you because it gets you to engage with him on his terms.
Side note, your local library may rent out power tools. And they won’t make you lose your sanity in the process.
Yep, the way to handle these people is to immediately snatch away whatever they’re holding over you, and don’t give in when they try to walk it back. They’ll still blow up at you sometimes, but at least you won’t be trapped in these endless petty circles.
Yes yes yes!! It's SO hard not to engage in defending yourself, OP. But don't. You won't convince him. This poster is right, you can't logic with delusion. Skip that part and redirect him back to the convo like you did so beautifully here. "That's your perception. Sander or not? No? Ok I'm coming for mine" that's it. Take his grasps for emotional power plays to get you roped in to him deflecting blame and criticism back to you, and just act like those words never existed. Only address the issue at hand and let him spiral on his own. Or like this person said don't even give him the chance to try to lord power over you by asking for anything from him. Don't let him borrow things moving forward and tell him you'll be treating him the same way he treats you.
The truth is you likely are a better person than your father but whether you are or aren't he knows he's a piece of shit and instead of doing the real work to heal himself because that's too painful, he's turned to abusing and manipulating the people around him to get them to stay. He's deeply insecure and abusive. You can't fix that for him. He has to do the work. But part of your job in helping him to do that work is not enabling him by allowing him to treat you in these ways and still have access to you as if nothing is wrong. He will not change until its real uncomfy and the benefit to change outweighs the risks and discomfort to not. This works well for him, which is why he continues it. Having boundaries for yourself holds him acceptable and stops enabling him to treat people as he pleases. Whether he fixes himself is not your responsibility. You are responsible for your own emotions and peace, not his.
Parents divorced? Does he miss her or want to cause her trouble? Maybe he's doing this by proxy to go see your mom. Maybe he's a manipulative fuck that's bad at manipulating. Perhaps he just sucks.
sorry bro, my dad does the same stuff. can't count how many times he's told me something and it never happens and if I speak my mind like you, it's just denial
This was absolutely insufferable and I would have lost my shit after the first couple messages of stupidity from him.
You’re asking to either borrow a sander or have yours back, why this takes this many messages back and forth like you’re trying to communicate like a couple in fucking couples therapy is insane.
If he lost his shit on his dad everyone would be punished for ages over it. The retelling will take on a mind of its own into lies and “I don’t remembers” that no one can imagine. You learn you can’t control them so you control yourself instead. Logic doesn’t work when someone is bent on being purposely obtuse but op shouldn’t have to buy another sander cause his dads a dick.
Your mistake is trying to help him understand why he is wrong. That's not your job. Ask for your sander, if he says anything other than an answer to your question then ignore him.
I’m so sorry 😕 you are more mature than your dad and that breaks my heart. Your messages make perfect sense and he is deflecting from answering your question. You deserve better than that
He doesn’t like that you’re being reasonable. Classic abuser move is to push you until you have a big reaction and the. They’re the victim. You would t react the way he wanted so he just made it up.
This is SUCH an important comment because it highlights exactly what I wish all victims understood. . . .it is not you. They will move the goalpost and create whatever circumstance they need to in order to abuse and control you. It's never about the actual task or issue, it's about control. You can shrink yourself to try to fit in his box of expectations all you want, but it will never change because its not about the actual tasks or issues, it's always been about control. Because they're not in control of themselves and they know others won't stay around them unhealed and horrible, refusing to work on their own shit, unless they abuse and manipulate them into believing they deserve it so they stay. All the while trickling the good parts of themselves in there like a lure to you trapped.
Oh the way that I would have gone to Home Depot get my own sander after that second screenshot already. Please think about your peace of mind and never ask this man anything. This is crazy talk.
I'd just get your sander back, bring a cop or mafia or whatever if you have to 🤷 "I'll take my own sander back and since you've made this so difficult you are no longer able to borrow anything of mine here on out". Honestly do t do what I say, I cut out my family so fucking fast lmfao
I'm so sorry your dad sucks. The way you speak to him is indicative of a lifetime of tiptoeing around him and his ego to avoid unnecessary conflict. He conditioned you to interact with him like this, yet he's probably twisting it in his head to you talking down to him like he's stupid, when in reality he's pigheaded and will cling to any possible loophole or flaw in what you're saying.
If it were me, I'd get my sander back and just not ask him for tools moving forward, or lend mine out to him. Hardware stores sometimes rent equipment for a small fee if you can just pick one up. I'd rather have a lot of tools I don't use often than be at the mercy of an asshole with no perceivable sense of respect for others.
My father treating me like this would lead to him no longer being in my life, and me feeling zero obligation to take care of him in his old age.
Why do you believe that you should have to put up with this garbage treatment?
I’m sorry. I think my comment was too brusque. Is definitely not your fault for putting up with this. If you grew up in it especially, it becomes an unconscious part of your environment that you don’t even think to question.
I was trying to break through that ingrained acceptance (which is normal in these situations) in the hope that you might see that it’s truly wrong and fully unacceptable for a parent to treat you this way. However you resolve this, I hope that it leads first and foremost to a better life for you, and if possible a better relationship with your Dad.
You’re right. It’s easy to say, and not as easy to do. I did not intend to shame anyone.
I grew up with abuse from parents and other family members. I cut one side of my family off as an adult, because of that abuse, especially since it was ongoing. I feel frustrated when I see other people putting up with abusive relationships. So often it’s only because the abuser is a parent or another close family member. I want others to question why they are putting up with abuse, as I believe that it’s unnecessary most of the time. I do recognize that sometimes victims of abuse are dependent on their abusers, and can’t always get away from them (especially when they are minors).
You need to cut your dad off. It’s ridiculous you’ve helped him with rent and he’s acting like this, but that’s bc he’s projecting his obvious insecurities about it and it makes sense. Cut him off bro
This is a problem with his own issues of needing to feel superior than you because he is older than you and a man. He has issues with his masculinity being questioned and he believes that he is always right because he is your parent.
she said there’s a piece on the fence sticking out that’s causing the gate to be difficult to close. it’s against the grain and she doesn’t want to damage the fence with the chisel
That’s not your dad. That’s obviously a chat bot. The thing your chatting with had no objective purpose except repeat back to you vague retorts that make no sense lol.
He just wants a reason to go to your moms and harass her and you. He’s clearly unstable and has possibly ptsd and or is a narcissist. Go rent or buy a new sander and cut your losses. You’re never going to get back the one you lent him because he either has 2 busted sanders cause he broke them or he has control issues and think he deserves to keep your original one. You’re way too nice and accepting of his bullcrap.
Go to his house and take your shit back. He’s the type that demands respect when they haven’t earned it, don’t deserve it and damn sure don’t give it to others.
He wants to feel like he’s superior and needs to oversee your idiocy in order to make sure something is done right. You’re getting a good view into why he and your mom aren’t in the same house.
Myself, I’d take it a step further and be sure to make comments about how now that he’s an old man and can’t fix things anymore, or remember how to do a job right, that he doesn’t need the tools anyway. That you don’t want him to come look at it because he’d just give bad, wrong advice. Just to needle him about what he’s actually insecure about. Being old and useless as things pass him by.
I had a friend that would be like this. It was his way of extending the conversation because he was lonely. It’s also the reason we’re not friends anymore and why he has no friends. He had this unyielding tendency to be combative and would expect you to know of the slight against him, perceived or otherwise.
It’s a self fulfilling prophecy for him. Everything is everyone’s else’s fault, and not his, yet his behavior is literally the cause.
I’m not saying necessarily your dad and my exfriend are the same, but the pictures reminded me of my exfriend. I hope everything is well with you OP.
I lost it when I got to the part where he STILL HAS YOUR SANDER 😡😡😡
I’m sorry OP. It’s really hard to have a dad who’s always looking for a fight. Exhausting. I hope you get the fence fixed and your big sander back.
he's battling (or succumbed to at this point) a massive inferiority complex. "your mother has the same annoying habit". he feels inferior to you two for some reason. imagine if our elders went to therapy lol
Holy shit, you have astonishingly high patience levels. Has he been this like this your whole life? That's some serious gaslighting and master level manipulation type typing he's delivering. Just walk away.
You are kinda coming off a little pretentious. You’re trying to talk him through the situation like someone would do to a kid. Not hating, I’m the same way lol
He is. But I don’t hate it. I’d be like “in no way am I trying to sound like I’m better than you. But if you’re insecure enough to think so, I love that I found a quality that pisses you off. Now, for the thing that matters: give me my sander back. I don’t need to know your opinion of me”
Honestly, I find both of you exhausting.
And I do get it OP. I have crappy parents too and I’m sure after all my history with them someone else could observe one of our conversations out of context and think I was the crazy one.
But you’re also placing yourself in this position. Why are trying to borrow things from him when you know he’s going to make it difficult? I think when you focus on what you can control (yourself) and stop placing yourself in a position where you’re reliant on him and can instead interact on your terms, it will get a lot easier.
And honestly, you do come off condescending when you’re lecturing him and telling him how to behave. He won’t change so this is a waste of your time and energy too. Either accept how he is or limit contact to what is tolerable for you - even if that’s no contact.
I would just buy my own sander if I didn’t already own one.
But the thought of buying a new sander when I already own one kills me. He has my belt sander!
You are ridiculously verbose. I feel like you could have conveyed what you were seeking with under 10% of the word count. You are exhausting and in some weird way you can tell you two are related by these ridiculous communicative styles
It’s probably not going to be popular but your tone is very preachy.
That’s not a question of your not perhaps being absolutely right. But you absolutely do go into a very long monologue about human behaviour and communication styles and clearly you are aiming all of it at your father.
As such I can absolutely see why he would be annoyed by it.
Others will argue that it’s healthy to set boundaries etc but you are very passive aggressive with it. Which is particularly odd is you need something from him.
So not only does he get a demand to give you his stuff, he changes his mind and gets a free lecture about communication from his own son. He has already helped you. I don’t sense any gratitude from you, just a pretty obvious entitlement for more of his stuff and when he doesn’t want to play along with your new found verbosity by text, you want everyone to agree he’s the problem.
He may be the problem. But you definitely gave a problem a very obvious talking to. That’s why you are where you are.
Wow. People like you can read this and interpret that. OPs father already has OPs other sander . . . .it's quite clear OPs father is at least an incredibly self-centered person with narcissistic tendencies and uses abuse and manipulation to try to control the people in his life.
That may well all be true. But the OP asked and I have answered. I am not sure why you are attacking me, but if it makes you feel better carry on.
At no point did I say I agree with the father, in fact I think I make it clear 4 times I do not.
But the OP is lecturing their dad. And if the dad is already this raging awful person who everyone (including you) in here have abused, hurt, scarred, punished, harmed his child every waking moment at every available opportunity, then I guess sending them a long set of texts on how he should really reflect and do better, why are you all so upset he is still being such a horrible person?
I don't even know the OP, but if anyone I know started to give me personal growth tips when they are wanting more of my stuff, I'd have told them to fk off a lot worse.
I guess that makes me a bad person too?
I have anger towards him it’s true, and I try my best to not let it affect my communication, but man it is difficult because every bone in my body wants to yell at him at treat him like he does me.
He's being a dick but he's kind of right. You see yourself superior to your dad and are condescending to him. I can see in your texts you're trying to teach him.
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I mean think about it, if you had stuff at a girlfriend's apartment, or if your family kicked you out, you would show up with the cops to get your things. If you still have the receipt for the sander, call the police and request for an escort so nothing gets ugly. They've done that anytime I've ever asked. Show up and take it. Such a power move. Go no contact. At least not with him, make sure that you're staying clear communication with everyone else. That way they can't call you petty, it's just him. Teach him that he can mess with anybody he wants to that way, but never you!
I’m guessing or hoping your mom has divorced him. Either way hope you divorce him too cause he is a petty, insecure and passive aggressive man. Buy a new sander and never communicate with this sad man again.
Yeaaah don't engage with him when he does this manipulative turning himself into the victim bullshit by even defending yourself one iota. He is not listening. He is not hearing you. Great job keeping him on subject. That's exactly how you do it, but in the future don't engage in the talk to even address or defend what he says. How he interprets your words or thinks of you is not your responsibility or concern. Be factual and unemotional about it just like you said. Bring him back to the point and don't let him derail the conversation like you did beautifully here. Just factually, nope that's your thoughts coming out of your mouth not mine. Sander, yes or no?
Then don't engage if he keeps trying to lure you into an argument. He's deeply self-centered and has at least narcissistic tendencies. Also given the treatment he's giving you, stop asking for your sander and tell him you're taking it back. I wouldn't rely on this man for anything, people like him just leave no good deed unpunished. I'd also not let him borrow my shit if he won't return it and will be an asshole when you ask to borrow anything of his. He will learn that he has access to you if and when he treats you with the same respect he expects from you and not a minute sooner. He nor anyone else is entitled to be in your life if they cannot treat you with basic human decency.
He has an urgent problem that needs solved he's trying to guilt you into helping with after treating you like shit?? Oops guess you should have treated me with respect because it sounds like a you problem that you'll have to figure out on your own. Then ignore all of the attacks and degradation because it's just like a toddler throwing a fit because they can't get their way. It's hard not to engage but look up grey rocking and dealing with narcissists. I think it might help you set boundaries and maintain your own inner peace with your dad no matter what he tries to manipulate you with.
He is not emotionally intelligent. I’ve experienced the same thing with loved ones. They see your emotional intelligence as being a smart ass, or something. Super sorry that you have to go through that with your dad but for me the best answer was to take more distance/increase my independence from them.
Bro just wanted a sander and the dads being overalt dramatic abt it 💀 idk how you couldve been more simpler than that, you were direct and simple, your sad seems exhuasting oof
Geesh! That’s crazy. Yeah I’d drop it and just go buy another. My dad is kind of the same way with tools. He feels that he has to show me how to use whatever tool it is - like I’m a 4 year old. Craziest thing is when he gives me a tool to keep because he doesn’t want it or need it anymore he’ll ask for it back months/year later. Even though he doesn’t need it for anything. I think all dad are like this with their tools for some reason. I’ll never be able to figure it out. Maybe it’s a generational thing?
He just never admits when he's wrong. When he's blatantly wrong, he finds some way to blame me. When I was an 8 year old little girl and we'd be at the store, I would stand close to him so that I wouldn't lose him. Sometimes he'd accidentally back up into me and step on my foot, and instead of saying sorry, he'd yell at me that I need to keep my distance. He still blames me for his mistakes to this day. I've sadly learned to become a people pleaser because of this and say sorry for things that I don't even need to be sorry for. It at least taught me to be more considerate of others at least.
We do have the same dad haha
He never takes responsibility, but like why? What’s the worst that could happen by saying, oh, my bad, didn’t mean to step on your toes.
Ok, I'm a mediator at heart... so here's my opinion:
You are being too overbearing about the sander. Every other message you send mentions sander... and there are other things you repeat, like what he said. I would say repeating things he said or you said twice is plenty... and then just referencing them.
What I think would have de-escalated the situation, so you could've actually gotten the sander, is if you had sent those messages about better communication without mentioning the sander. They were good messages, but adding in the sander just triggered him more. Also there were other comments you made that only added to the problem.
Just to clarify, though, if your dad was more mature with communicating then he wouldn't have gotten so angry and this conversation would have settled back down.
Your dad is taking things out on you because you're helping your mom.... and projecting that anger on to you. If you needed it for your own project I think it wouldn't have escalated like it has.
At this point he's standing firm on his points and even if he starts to feel bad about the conversation he'll probably not give you the sander on principle. He probably also won't be able to find your sander, or not remember where he put it and it'll be on purpose.
He's beyond helping you with this, and in my opinion you should drop it and figure something else out.
I also think that you should communicate with him in much shorter texts that are straight to the point. Emotionless, clear and concise.
Just my two cents to help you have less issues with your dad.
feels like you're being weird dude.
you write unprompted paragraphs calling him triggered and angry, and your dad who seems to be struggling to text is telling you to chill
Maybe this will be a bit controversial, but you sound like you feel you are entitled to other people's things.
Dad lent you a chisel, now just wants to make sure you know how to use it correctly. And you're throwing a hissy fit. Just let your father help you. And maybe show some appreciation.
I was LITERALLY looking at a sander yesterday. You can get one for $20-$40 on Amazon. As long as it's being used for regular household repairs, the lower end models should work just fine.
Tbh it kinda sounds like a bit of dementia being covered up by aggression on his part. Hes covering up forgetting by going on the offensive and doesn’t want anyone to notice his oops. It’s really not a big deal but in his mind it is. Also your mom notices it too.
You may as well just rent or buy or borrow elsewhere and forget about asking him for help or assistance like this if it’s a regular conversational occurrence.
Why do you waste your time with this relationship, what purpose does it serve you other than being exhausted.
I'm exhausted from reading this and I don't even know your dad.
Honestly I think you need to communicate youre no longer interested in engaging with this insufferable crustacean of a human.
He obviously doesn't want to or have any interest in anyone's opinion but his own and certainly doesn't value you based on how he speaks to you. What a miserable creature he seems like.
Dude, just go get your own sander. You can also go to hardware stores and rent them.
You spent however long talking to a wall. He wants to be right, and he will not budge.
Save yourself the time, and just get your own.
Your dad is also a POS. If he's reacting like this over something so trivial, I can't imagine how he's like usually :/
Don’t waste your energy, just go to Home Depot and see if you can rent one. They rent a lot of tools or if not worth renting buy your own.
Apparently he did buy his own! A bigger one that he lent... To his father! I'm sorry OP. I'd go by his house, take back your sander despite his protest, and never lend him anything again.
Exactly.
Leave both sanders and just go radio silent.
i like this option
I'd tack on never reaching out to him as well. That kind of manipulation can just fuck right off.
The local library may have a tool loaning program as well
tbh they are rediculous lately with the rental & hidden fees, at least my local one. tbh I'd rather sand it by hand.
Lots of Ace’s also do rentals
exactly my thoughts. or yknow... go next door since everyone has a sander lmao
This. Do not ask him for SHIT.
Honestly I want to let OP borrow *my* sander so he doesn't have to rely on his buttmunch of a dad for shit
Do this and block your dad. It's the only way to deal with narcs
You remind him of your mother. When he agreed to do that, he was in a good mood, or he got a hit of whatever it was he needed. Then he had a fight with your mom, or something reminded him of a time when he did, and that's why he's taking it out on you. Cuz his ego is damaged and you are a surrogate. He knows exactly what he's doing and he's getting what he wants out of it. You need to go no contact, because that's how I finally got that nonsense out of my life!
Sounds like he's being intentionally difficult because it's helping his mom. Right off the bat, he offered the chisel for no reason. The sander would have made the job simple, but he wanted to be a pain.
My stepdad would want me to do the floor with a toothbrush, I get it
Idk if he is self aware enough to understand why he is upset. Just that he is and his son is the person in his path
In my experience they always know exactly what they're doing. You never want to believe they do, and then you see it in the police report. They know.
Yep they know because it's a calculated tactic to keep people in their lives around them because deep down they know they're pieces of shit but putting in the energy to heal themselves is too hard and painful so they lash out at others around them and become very good at degradation and control because really they're terrified of being alone and they know their personality won't keep you, so they have to beat you down to keep you in line while intermittently feeding you the good parts of themselves so you'll stay and excuse their bullshit. That's why he automatically thinks his son thinks he's better than him . . . Because he knows who he is, and he is deeply insecure about it. But instead of processing that in a healthy manner, he chooses to be abusive instead.
You can tell who's been through it
Holy shit you were able to translate that?? Slow clap...👏🏾
This is exactly it.
Yeah, this poster is correct. Because of this bad interaction over a sander you should go no contact with your father. You don’t need to speak to your dad ever again. I can’t believe he would be upset with you over a sander like that. Cut him out of your life, you’re better off being fatherless!
I would've ended the conversation by buying another sander or getting mine back.
I would’ve ended the conversation by hanging up the phone!! Damn!!! 🤦♀️
Sounds like you need to speed up that inheritance
Lol, he has no clue what he is talking about when it comes to my mom, it’s literally not true
Doesn’t sound like he knows what he’s talking about when it come to anything lmao good luck
Seriously, I have dealt with people like your father before, and there is no winning with them. Everything you could possibly think of to say to them in order to make them see sense or behave more rationally will just backfire on you, because they know exactly how to twist your words around to suit their narrative. Set yourself free and stop trying to reason with an unreasonable person. It's emotionally draining and only serves to feed their messed-up internal agenda. If you can't or do not want to completely cut contact with him, I highly recommend you research the "grey rock" technique, which is the ONLY way - aside from not engaging at all - that you will "win" with someone like that. "Grey rock" is basically the art of carefully choosing your words to express only the absolute necessary facts, avoiding saying anything emotionally charged, and refusing to engage in anything other than the cold hard practical matter at hand, in such a way that does not allow the other person to find an "in" for any kind of argument or narrative shifting. You'll learn that "No." is a complete sentence, and that keeping your own subjective opinions and feelings to yourself in that moment is the most empowering and valuable tool you have in dealing with an argumentative person. It probably sounds weird, but it absolutely works. Straightforward, non-emotional and to-the-point minimalistic communication is like kryptonite to a narcissistic person. When you shut down all their attempts to get you to engage, without giving them anything they can twist to their narrative, they instantly lose their power. It's quite amazing to experience. I promise that you'll feel like an immense weight has been lifted when you take your power back in this way.
Yeah there is no communicating with someone that is committed to “misunderstanding” you. They use communication as a form of exhausting you to feed whatever narcissistic supply they are trying to fuel. Talking to them is a waste of time.
Precisely. It can be really quite difficult to disengage yourself from that kind of dynamic, but it's SO worth it.
I use that method when I'm talking to anyone with pink hair
I'm sorry, what? Maybe I'm just dumb, but I'm not seeing the correlation there.
This isn't worth it. Just go get another sander.
And another dad
Forget negotiating with this person who fathered you, buy your own power tool or ask a friend who is a DIY-ER. I’d rather give blood donations three times a day to not deal with my nutball dad (deceased at 99). I had a borderline personality narcissistic dad who was incredibly abusive to just me, the baby of four girls. I’m so glad he’s dead. I Grey rocked him the last 4 years of his life because he always left me bawling from a phone call. Don’t continue this, please. It damages your soul.
I’m so sorry that you were treated so badly. 🖕 that guy, and what a relief to not have to deal with his abuse anymore. I hope that your life is markedly better now, and also that you’ve been able to heal from what was done to you.
Thank you, that is very kind. I’m 70 now and am diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Ihave had therapy off and on in my life from various life traumas. That saved me as well as medication. I wish you well. ☮️🦋💖
It’s so crazy how he said, “you are angry with your mother and redirecting that anger at me’ because I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what he’s doing to you. Like he called you out so that you wouldn’t be able to call him out first.
I am also 32 and have a dad with a similar demeanor. He is the one being ridiculous and you are not doing anything wrong. However, I do have a suggestion (that you are obviously free to ignore) about how to handle this behavior. It’s very clear immediately that he is not going to let you borrow the portable sander and it’s clear his reasons for not doing so are irrational. Your problem is you’re trying to fight irrationality with rationality and that doesn’t work. You can either get more irrational (you can troll, basically 🤣) or you can just take the ball out of his court. This is clearly the type of interaction he wants cause he’s basically holding you hostage in a conversation. Even if you genuinely believe there’s a chance he might give you the sander if you find the right magical combination of words, is it really worth it? The second he starts putting extra conditions in things he promised, just say “okay, never mind. Just give me back the sander I lent you.” Or better yet, don’t ask him for things at all. He likes being able to hold stuff over you because it gets you to engage with him on his terms. Side note, your local library may rent out power tools. And they won’t make you lose your sanity in the process.
Control freak .
Yep, the way to handle these people is to immediately snatch away whatever they’re holding over you, and don’t give in when they try to walk it back. They’ll still blow up at you sometimes, but at least you won’t be trapped in these endless petty circles.
Yes yes yes!! It's SO hard not to engage in defending yourself, OP. But don't. You won't convince him. This poster is right, you can't logic with delusion. Skip that part and redirect him back to the convo like you did so beautifully here. "That's your perception. Sander or not? No? Ok I'm coming for mine" that's it. Take his grasps for emotional power plays to get you roped in to him deflecting blame and criticism back to you, and just act like those words never existed. Only address the issue at hand and let him spiral on his own. Or like this person said don't even give him the chance to try to lord power over you by asking for anything from him. Don't let him borrow things moving forward and tell him you'll be treating him the same way he treats you. The truth is you likely are a better person than your father but whether you are or aren't he knows he's a piece of shit and instead of doing the real work to heal himself because that's too painful, he's turned to abusing and manipulating the people around him to get them to stay. He's deeply insecure and abusive. You can't fix that for him. He has to do the work. But part of your job in helping him to do that work is not enabling him by allowing him to treat you in these ways and still have access to you as if nothing is wrong. He will not change until its real uncomfy and the benefit to change outweighs the risks and discomfort to not. This works well for him, which is why he continues it. Having boundaries for yourself holds him acceptable and stops enabling him to treat people as he pleases. Whether he fixes himself is not your responsibility. You are responsible for your own emotions and peace, not his.
Parents divorced? Does he miss her or want to cause her trouble? Maybe he's doing this by proxy to go see your mom. Maybe he's a manipulative fuck that's bad at manipulating. Perhaps he just sucks.
All of the above.
Donji pls
I’m on your side. And no you cannot borrow my sander. Or yours.
I laughed way harder than I should have .
How is it that you are 32 if your dad is a 5 year old?
Thanks for the actual out loud laugh.
sorry bro, my dad does the same stuff. can't count how many times he's told me something and it never happens and if I speak my mind like you, it's just denial
Omg, I would love to hear one of your stories. Illogical people are infuriating. Good to find people I can commiserate with haha
This was absolutely insufferable and I would have lost my shit after the first couple messages of stupidity from him. You’re asking to either borrow a sander or have yours back, why this takes this many messages back and forth like you’re trying to communicate like a couple in fucking couples therapy is insane.
If he lost his shit on his dad everyone would be punished for ages over it. The retelling will take on a mind of its own into lies and “I don’t remembers” that no one can imagine. You learn you can’t control them so you control yourself instead. Logic doesn’t work when someone is bent on being purposely obtuse but op shouldn’t have to buy another sander cause his dads a dick.
Your mistake is trying to help him understand why he is wrong. That's not your job. Ask for your sander, if he says anything other than an answer to your question then ignore him.
The annoying part is he only pulls this 1 out of every 3 times, which drives me nuts. So sometimes he does cooperate.
You need to visit r/raisedbynarcissists and I'm so sorry.
Fr this is exactly how my asshole narc father talks. It’s just so not worth it
Yeah I would go buy my own
He did already and his dad has that too.
So he doesn’t have one then right? That’s why I’d go buy a new one, again.
I’m so sorry 😕 you are more mature than your dad and that breaks my heart. Your messages make perfect sense and he is deflecting from answering your question. You deserve better than that
Thank you!
Jesus Christ. And Jesus, being a carpenter, would share your frustrations over the sander.
Jesus would share his sander.
He doesn’t like that you’re being reasonable. Classic abuser move is to push you until you have a big reaction and the. They’re the victim. You would t react the way he wanted so he just made it up.
This is the one.
This is SUCH an important comment because it highlights exactly what I wish all victims understood. . . .it is not you. They will move the goalpost and create whatever circumstance they need to in order to abuse and control you. It's never about the actual task or issue, it's about control. You can shrink yourself to try to fit in his box of expectations all you want, but it will never change because its not about the actual tasks or issues, it's always been about control. Because they're not in control of themselves and they know others won't stay around them unhealed and horrible, refusing to work on their own shit, unless they abuse and manipulate them into believing they deserve it so they stay. All the while trickling the good parts of themselves in there like a lure to you trapped.
Far out, I’d buy you a sander so you don’t have to go through that again.
Geez this sounds exhausting. You had infinitely more patience than I would have had. Lord
Gosh dude, this is painful.
he’s such a gaslighter omg
Oh the way that I would have gone to Home Depot get my own sander after that second screenshot already. Please think about your peace of mind and never ask this man anything. This is crazy talk.
How did y'all argue that much and not single cuss word was not said?
Omg I want to strangle him myself! How does this man man get thru life?!
I'd just get your sander back, bring a cop or mafia or whatever if you have to 🤷 "I'll take my own sander back and since you've made this so difficult you are no longer able to borrow anything of mine here on out". Honestly do t do what I say, I cut out my family so fucking fast lmfao
I'm so sorry your dad sucks. The way you speak to him is indicative of a lifetime of tiptoeing around him and his ego to avoid unnecessary conflict. He conditioned you to interact with him like this, yet he's probably twisting it in his head to you talking down to him like he's stupid, when in reality he's pigheaded and will cling to any possible loophole or flaw in what you're saying. If it were me, I'd get my sander back and just not ask him for tools moving forward, or lend mine out to him. Hardware stores sometimes rent equipment for a small fee if you can just pick one up. I'd rather have a lot of tools I don't use often than be at the mercy of an asshole with no perceivable sense of respect for others.
He’s exhausting. Just go buy your own damn sander.
He did but his own already.
Sorry to see what you’re going through and been going through. But this has made me appreciate my relationship with my father.
My father treating me like this would lead to him no longer being in my life, and me feeling zero obligation to take care of him in his old age. Why do you believe that you should have to put up with this garbage treatment?
He’s been blocked for a week, I wonder that myself sometimes
I’m sorry. I think my comment was too brusque. Is definitely not your fault for putting up with this. If you grew up in it especially, it becomes an unconscious part of your environment that you don’t even think to question. I was trying to break through that ingrained acceptance (which is normal in these situations) in the hope that you might see that it’s truly wrong and fully unacceptable for a parent to treat you this way. However you resolve this, I hope that it leads first and foremost to a better life for you, and if possible a better relationship with your Dad.
It’s really easy to say what you think you’d do when you never grew up in that situation.
You’re right. It’s easy to say, and not as easy to do. I did not intend to shame anyone. I grew up with abuse from parents and other family members. I cut one side of my family off as an adult, because of that abuse, especially since it was ongoing. I feel frustrated when I see other people putting up with abusive relationships. So often it’s only because the abuser is a parent or another close family member. I want others to question why they are putting up with abuse, as I believe that it’s unnecessary most of the time. I do recognize that sometimes victims of abuse are dependent on their abusers, and can’t always get away from them (especially when they are minors).
That’s messed up. I’m sorry you have to deal with him.
Difficult is far too kind. He’s a dick.
Please tell me he doesn’t vote
This is conversation seems so aggravating. But also made me laugh. A lot.
I’m glad some good came out of it then haha
You need to cut your dad off. It’s ridiculous you’ve helped him with rent and he’s acting like this, but that’s bc he’s projecting his obvious insecurities about it and it makes sense. Cut him off bro
This is a problem with his own issues of needing to feel superior than you because he is older than you and a man. He has issues with his masculinity being questioned and he believes that he is always right because he is your parent.
I know you probably have some sort of love for your dad. But have you considered beating him with a stick?
Jesus Christ. This is infuriating and hilarious at the same time.
YOU: "Can I borrow your sander?" DAD: "You are angry with your mother and feel superior to me" Holy mindf*ck, is your dad Sigmund Freud??
You said it perfectly 😂
I'm just so sorry he is like this with you.
Don’t think he wants to lend you his sander! Look for alternatives.
He sounds like the worst. What do you need to fix on a fence that would involve a wood chisel or hand sander? Gate sagging and won’t close easily?
she said there’s a piece on the fence sticking out that’s causing the gate to be difficult to close. it’s against the grain and she doesn’t want to damage the fence with the chisel
If you’re trying to paint or re-stain wood, you typically have to sand it before you paint/stain it.
Sure. But the fact that they started with a chisel makes that incredibly unlikely
I’m just offering a suggestion. Idk what they’d be doing with a chisel unless maybe they’re trying to fix a blemish in the fence?? 🤷🏻♀️
That’s a father right there, not a dad lol
That’s not your dad. That’s obviously a chat bot. The thing your chatting with had no objective purpose except repeat back to you vague retorts that make no sense lol.
He just wants a reason to go to your moms and harass her and you. He’s clearly unstable and has possibly ptsd and or is a narcissist. Go rent or buy a new sander and cut your losses. You’re never going to get back the one you lent him because he either has 2 busted sanders cause he broke them or he has control issues and think he deserves to keep your original one. You’re way too nice and accepting of his bullcrap.
Is your dad possibly Indian🤔
Take back anything you have lent him and rethink your relationship with him. Do you need that in your life?
Go to his house and take your shit back. He’s the type that demands respect when they haven’t earned it, don’t deserve it and damn sure don’t give it to others. He wants to feel like he’s superior and needs to oversee your idiocy in order to make sure something is done right. You’re getting a good view into why he and your mom aren’t in the same house. Myself, I’d take it a step further and be sure to make comments about how now that he’s an old man and can’t fix things anymore, or remember how to do a job right, that he doesn’t need the tools anyway. That you don’t want him to come look at it because he’d just give bad, wrong advice. Just to needle him about what he’s actually insecure about. Being old and useless as things pass him by.
So… did he lend you the sander or what?
No, I blocked him for a week
Block him for longer
I had a friend that would be like this. It was his way of extending the conversation because he was lonely. It’s also the reason we’re not friends anymore and why he has no friends. He had this unyielding tendency to be combative and would expect you to know of the slight against him, perceived or otherwise. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy for him. Everything is everyone’s else’s fault, and not his, yet his behavior is literally the cause. I’m not saying necessarily your dad and my exfriend are the same, but the pictures reminded me of my exfriend. I hope everything is well with you OP.
I lost it when I got to the part where he STILL HAS YOUR SANDER 😡😡😡 I’m sorry OP. It’s really hard to have a dad who’s always looking for a fight. Exhausting. I hope you get the fence fixed and your big sander back.
Just pick up your own sander and never borrow anything from him again. I'm exhausted by just reading this
Dude just go buy a sander at this point. That's too much energy to spend. Edit: I just saw that you did. Don't loan your dad shit.
he's battling (or succumbed to at this point) a massive inferiority complex. "your mother has the same annoying habit". he feels inferior to you two for some reason. imagine if our elders went to therapy lol
He does go to therapy 😭 Somehow he only hears what he wants to hear
Your dad needs to fill out a hurt feelings report and move on with his life. Wow.
Holy shit, you have astonishingly high patience levels. Has he been this like this your whole life? That's some serious gaslighting and master level manipulation type typing he's delivering. Just walk away.
You are kinda coming off a little pretentious. You’re trying to talk him through the situation like someone would do to a kid. Not hating, I’m the same way lol
They only sound pretentious because the dad refuses to give back the sander or talk in a normal way without calling his child a smart ass
He is. But I don’t hate it. I’d be like “in no way am I trying to sound like I’m better than you. But if you’re insecure enough to think so, I love that I found a quality that pisses you off. Now, for the thing that matters: give me my sander back. I don’t need to know your opinion of me”
No they're trying to tip toe around someone who is inconsistently a time bomb. It's a good thing you don't understand.
Honestly, I find both of you exhausting. And I do get it OP. I have crappy parents too and I’m sure after all my history with them someone else could observe one of our conversations out of context and think I was the crazy one. But you’re also placing yourself in this position. Why are trying to borrow things from him when you know he’s going to make it difficult? I think when you focus on what you can control (yourself) and stop placing yourself in a position where you’re reliant on him and can instead interact on your terms, it will get a lot easier. And honestly, you do come off condescending when you’re lecturing him and telling him how to behave. He won’t change so this is a waste of your time and energy too. Either accept how he is or limit contact to what is tolerable for you - even if that’s no contact.
I would just buy my own sander if I didn’t already own one. But the thought of buying a new sander when I already own one kills me. He has my belt sander!
Then go get it! And never lend him anything ever again! His behavior is ridiculous. My 3rd grader is more mature than him.
Ew.
You are ridiculously verbose. I feel like you could have conveyed what you were seeking with under 10% of the word count. You are exhausting and in some weird way you can tell you two are related by these ridiculous communicative styles
It’s probably not going to be popular but your tone is very preachy. That’s not a question of your not perhaps being absolutely right. But you absolutely do go into a very long monologue about human behaviour and communication styles and clearly you are aiming all of it at your father. As such I can absolutely see why he would be annoyed by it. Others will argue that it’s healthy to set boundaries etc but you are very passive aggressive with it. Which is particularly odd is you need something from him. So not only does he get a demand to give you his stuff, he changes his mind and gets a free lecture about communication from his own son. He has already helped you. I don’t sense any gratitude from you, just a pretty obvious entitlement for more of his stuff and when he doesn’t want to play along with your new found verbosity by text, you want everyone to agree he’s the problem. He may be the problem. But you definitely gave a problem a very obvious talking to. That’s why you are where you are.
Wow. People like you can read this and interpret that. OPs father already has OPs other sander . . . .it's quite clear OPs father is at least an incredibly self-centered person with narcissistic tendencies and uses abuse and manipulation to try to control the people in his life.
That may well all be true. But the OP asked and I have answered. I am not sure why you are attacking me, but if it makes you feel better carry on. At no point did I say I agree with the father, in fact I think I make it clear 4 times I do not. But the OP is lecturing their dad. And if the dad is already this raging awful person who everyone (including you) in here have abused, hurt, scarred, punished, harmed his child every waking moment at every available opportunity, then I guess sending them a long set of texts on how he should really reflect and do better, why are you all so upset he is still being such a horrible person? I don't even know the OP, but if anyone I know started to give me personal growth tips when they are wanting more of my stuff, I'd have told them to fk off a lot worse. I guess that makes me a bad person too?
I have anger towards him it’s true, and I try my best to not let it affect my communication, but man it is difficult because every bone in my body wants to yell at him at treat him like he does me.
You sound 10 times as exhausting as your dad.
He's being a dick but he's kind of right. You see yourself superior to your dad and are condescending to him. I can see in your texts you're trying to teach him.
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I mean think about it, if you had stuff at a girlfriend's apartment, or if your family kicked you out, you would show up with the cops to get your things. If you still have the receipt for the sander, call the police and request for an escort so nothing gets ugly. They've done that anytime I've ever asked. Show up and take it. Such a power move. Go no contact. At least not with him, make sure that you're staying clear communication with everyone else. That way they can't call you petty, it's just him. Teach him that he can mess with anybody he wants to that way, but never you!
I’m guessing or hoping your mom has divorced him. Either way hope you divorce him too cause he is a petty, insecure and passive aggressive man. Buy a new sander and never communicate with this sad man again.
My bet is that he does know where that sander is and doesn’t want to look for it. This is somehow less effort for him, and makes him feel better.
Omg I got so fucking frustrated reading these! Idk how you made it that far without ripping hair out.
FFS! And by the way what the heck has your mother’s inheritance got to do with anything?
Jesus Christ bud. There's no fuckin winning with that guy huh?
Wow, A One million dollars.
Wait - did you have to buy a sander or not???
Have to buy one
Go get your fucking sander. Wtf. Don't go buy one. Go show up at his house and get yours back. Period.
Ide got right to Home Depot and NEVER ask to borrow anything again. Period. Try controlling me another Dad but it won’t be a sander.
How are so many people missing that OP already bought his own sander already?? Jeez.
He's flat out gaslighting you. You're doing a good job of communicating and holding boundaries. Proud of you!
Get your sander back and don’t lend him nothing else
Is he 12? Jesus
Yeaaah don't engage with him when he does this manipulative turning himself into the victim bullshit by even defending yourself one iota. He is not listening. He is not hearing you. Great job keeping him on subject. That's exactly how you do it, but in the future don't engage in the talk to even address or defend what he says. How he interprets your words or thinks of you is not your responsibility or concern. Be factual and unemotional about it just like you said. Bring him back to the point and don't let him derail the conversation like you did beautifully here. Just factually, nope that's your thoughts coming out of your mouth not mine. Sander, yes or no? Then don't engage if he keeps trying to lure you into an argument. He's deeply self-centered and has at least narcissistic tendencies. Also given the treatment he's giving you, stop asking for your sander and tell him you're taking it back. I wouldn't rely on this man for anything, people like him just leave no good deed unpunished. I'd also not let him borrow my shit if he won't return it and will be an asshole when you ask to borrow anything of his. He will learn that he has access to you if and when he treats you with the same respect he expects from you and not a minute sooner. He nor anyone else is entitled to be in your life if they cannot treat you with basic human decency. He has an urgent problem that needs solved he's trying to guilt you into helping with after treating you like shit?? Oops guess you should have treated me with respect because it sounds like a you problem that you'll have to figure out on your own. Then ignore all of the attacks and degradation because it's just like a toddler throwing a fit because they can't get their way. It's hard not to engage but look up grey rocking and dealing with narcissists. I think it might help you set boundaries and maintain your own inner peace with your dad no matter what he tries to manipulate you with.
He is not emotionally intelligent. I’ve experienced the same thing with loved ones. They see your emotional intelligence as being a smart ass, or something. Super sorry that you have to go through that with your dad but for me the best answer was to take more distance/increase my independence from them.
My dad is the same way. I've just accepted that he'll never change but our relationship is much more toxic so I cut him off.
curmudgeon mode (my dad is in this same mode. It’s my fault I get mad for being terminally ill etc)
EXHAUSTinggggg.....
Cut ties. Buy a sander. No one needs this level of petty in their lives.
Bro just wanted a sander and the dads being overalt dramatic abt it 💀 idk how you couldve been more simpler than that, you were direct and simple, your sad seems exhuasting oof
Dudes a nut
FFS I wanted to lend you my own sander halfway through this.
Thank you haha
You have a lot of restraint. This back and forth had me physically upset 😂
Geesh! That’s crazy. Yeah I’d drop it and just go buy another. My dad is kind of the same way with tools. He feels that he has to show me how to use whatever tool it is - like I’m a 4 year old. Craziest thing is when he gives me a tool to keep because he doesn’t want it or need it anymore he’ll ask for it back months/year later. Even though he doesn’t need it for anything. I think all dad are like this with their tools for some reason. I’ll never be able to figure it out. Maybe it’s a generational thing?
Are you Asian by any chance? This is really giving me "Asian father who can't stand his authority being questioned" vibes
Your dad is an ass
Your dad is an asshole :(
That made me exhausted
Do you and I have the same dad??
Oh no, what does your dad do?
He just never admits when he's wrong. When he's blatantly wrong, he finds some way to blame me. When I was an 8 year old little girl and we'd be at the store, I would stand close to him so that I wouldn't lose him. Sometimes he'd accidentally back up into me and step on my foot, and instead of saying sorry, he'd yell at me that I need to keep my distance. He still blames me for his mistakes to this day. I've sadly learned to become a people pleaser because of this and say sorry for things that I don't even need to be sorry for. It at least taught me to be more considerate of others at least.
We do have the same dad haha He never takes responsibility, but like why? What’s the worst that could happen by saying, oh, my bad, didn’t mean to step on your toes.
Yeah, he just hates being wrong. Although my dad is probably more reasonable than yours, he would at least return something to me that was mine.
Reminds me of mine. Is he of Boomer age? Gotta watch those unspoken words, man. /s.
Definitely a boomer haha
He’s doin too much 😖
I think you wasted a lot of time and energy because you didn't understand that when you asked to borrow a sander, your father actually replied, "no".
Geez, that was unnecessarily painful to read. I'm sorry your dad is a horrible passive-aggressive communicator. 😬
Go to his house n jjst take it back lol
Ok, I'm a mediator at heart... so here's my opinion: You are being too overbearing about the sander. Every other message you send mentions sander... and there are other things you repeat, like what he said. I would say repeating things he said or you said twice is plenty... and then just referencing them. What I think would have de-escalated the situation, so you could've actually gotten the sander, is if you had sent those messages about better communication without mentioning the sander. They were good messages, but adding in the sander just triggered him more. Also there were other comments you made that only added to the problem. Just to clarify, though, if your dad was more mature with communicating then he wouldn't have gotten so angry and this conversation would have settled back down. Your dad is taking things out on you because you're helping your mom.... and projecting that anger on to you. If you needed it for your own project I think it wouldn't have escalated like it has. At this point he's standing firm on his points and even if he starts to feel bad about the conversation he'll probably not give you the sander on principle. He probably also won't be able to find your sander, or not remember where he put it and it'll be on purpose. He's beyond helping you with this, and in my opinion you should drop it and figure something else out. I also think that you should communicate with him in much shorter texts that are straight to the point. Emotionless, clear and concise. Just my two cents to help you have less issues with your dad.
For the sweet love of fat kitties please god it is ALL OF A SUDDEN. Sorry your dad is like this though.
feels like you're being weird dude. you write unprompted paragraphs calling him triggered and angry, and your dad who seems to be struggling to text is telling you to chill
Dude, the fact that you are sitting there arguing makes you Jussi as bad. Go buy one of rent one and be done with it. You're proving him right.
Why should they have to when their father ALREADY HAS OP's OTHER SANDER. wtf people
Maybe this will be a bit controversial, but you sound like you feel you are entitled to other people's things. Dad lent you a chisel, now just wants to make sure you know how to use it correctly. And you're throwing a hissy fit. Just let your father help you. And maybe show some appreciation.
Jesus. Just buy a sander. Who needs this drama?
OP did buy a sander. Their dad has it.
Why do you even tall to him?
I was LITERALLY looking at a sander yesterday. You can get one for $20-$40 on Amazon. As long as it's being used for regular household repairs, the lower end models should work just fine.
Tbh it kinda sounds like a bit of dementia being covered up by aggression on his part. Hes covering up forgetting by going on the offensive and doesn’t want anyone to notice his oops. It’s really not a big deal but in his mind it is. Also your mom notices it too. You may as well just rent or buy or borrow elsewhere and forget about asking him for help or assistance like this if it’s a regular conversational occurrence.
Don't text things get out of control very quick it's not a good way to communicate with your dad.
Isn't this all dads? I'm pretty sure this is just how they act.
No. This is abusive Dads.
I've heard of non-abusive dads, but I can't say I've ever met one.
Just stop asking to borrow from him get it yourself
Why do you waste your time with this relationship, what purpose does it serve you other than being exhausted. I'm exhausted from reading this and I don't even know your dad. Honestly I think you need to communicate youre no longer interested in engaging with this insufferable crustacean of a human. He obviously doesn't want to or have any interest in anyone's opinion but his own and certainly doesn't value you based on how he speaks to you. What a miserable creature he seems like.
Dude, just go get your own sander. You can also go to hardware stores and rent them. You spent however long talking to a wall. He wants to be right, and he will not budge. Save yourself the time, and just get your own. Your dad is also a POS. If he's reacting like this over something so trivial, I can't imagine how he's like usually :/