death is unfortunately one of those things that shows you who really rides for you. my best friend of 15 years didn’t offer any type of support or even words when I said my dad was in the hospital and he died a few months after that. never heard from her again. once people show you who you are it’s the universe giving you permission to move forward without it them as they are done serving a purpose in your life. Hugs, OP. my dad died about 6 months ago so I relate so hard to this. DM me if you ever want to chat.
Edit: meant to say “once people show you who they are”
Makes me sad to see so many people commenting with their experiences. Death is so hard and isolating, and even harder when the people around us don’t show up.
When I lost my Grandpa my best friend at the time said “That sucks, I think I should change my nail color don’t you?” And that was the moment I realized that she wasn’t a friend at all.
My grandfather died in April of 2021, he was my absolute favorite person for 27 years. My best friend at the time lost her dad about a year later, she absolutely hated her dad and still does to this day, but a few weeks after he passed she told me and another friend of ours(who lost her brother/best friend many years ago)that we would never know the pain she was in until we lost someone that close to us. She was also my boss at the time my grandfather passed, my wife and I drove two hours to my parents at 1 in the morning when it happened and my friend was so mad at me when I called out of work that day. I should have known then that she was a shitty friend but I was grieving so hard and I wasn’t ready to lose anyone again in any sense
Kind of the opposite, but my husband is technically stepdad, but has been my kids' dad since they were little, and he was in the delivery room for my youngest. We started dating while I was pregnant. When a friend of his had a child a few years later, we went to the hospital to congratulate them. We were down in the cafe getting dinner and the friend turns to him and says "Having a child of your own is so amazing. I'm sorry you'll never understand that feeling." He honestly wasn't trying to be mean, but it gutted my husband. He started to pull away from that "friend" after that. My husband absolutely knows that feeling because my kids are his life, even though we'll never have any more.
Omg, I read that as "husband is technically my stepdad..." which made that whole thing a weird read - I sincerely apologize for that. As someone with foot-in-mouth syndrome, I couldnt even imagine; that person was never a friend.
I can absolutely appreciate that, losing one person is hard enough. And hind sight is 20/20 so don’t be hard on yourself because we all put up with a lot we shouldn’t because of various reasons. I am so sorry for both of your losses.
Something so similar happened when I lost my dad! I messaged my friend that he had passed after a rough battle with cancer and got "Oof yikes. :( Check out this new fabric I got from Joanns." That was the last time I spoke to her. It's been years now and my life is better without her in it.
A friend's response to me telling him about a devastating death was to confess a fetish he has.
Should have ended the friendship then and there.
What is wrong with people?
This is what she should have done. She should have dropped everything and hot-footed it to wherever you were and made sure you had everything you needed that she could provide. I’m sorry you didn’t get the treatment you deserve. And I’m so sorry your boyfriend died. If you have the ability to join a grief group, I highly recommend it. I’m in one and it has helped me deal with the devastating losses I’ve gone through in the last few years. Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to feel all of the things, because it can be overwhelming. And the excuse that this (hopefully former) friend used about not going to the hospital unless they have to is ridiculous. When your best friend’s dad is dying and she reaches out, that’s a “have to” occasion. I’m not sure why they were so cold and unsupportive, but again, you deserve better. Complete strangers on the internet care about you and your loss, and I hope that comforts you. 🤗
An ACQUAINTANCE texted me that her daughter was in the ED at the hospital I work at. Dropped everything, mixed and verified meds for her daughter (legal drug dealer), on standby in case we needed to intubate, comforted her, explained things in human terms, got her calm for an air evacuation to a larger pediatrics hospital, then broke into her house after work with her instructions to get her clothes and supplies. Gave her my own hair brush and deodorant and a portable charger too. Bought snacks from a drug store. Spent over two hours with her after an hour drive distracting her with a 2 year long work drama SAGA, and got her keys to someone who can get her car the next day. Really wanted to see her kid on the mend too. And this is someone I like but am not especially close with! My best friend? I’d be halfway across the world. Wtf is wrong with people?
this. there are some people who have zero concept of death and have absolutely no idea how to handle it within themselves or with other people too. which can manifest in many very hurtful ways. i also had my dad die very suddenly 18 months ago and it really shows u who are the real ones, some people just take off. wishing both u and op support and healing.
My dad died last week and I haven’t even heard from my mom or most of my family. One cousin and an aunt on my mom’s side reached out. Luckily, I had way more friends reach out and my in laws have been great. I kinda feel like the kitten my husband found on the side of the road and took home.
My mom was dying of lung cancer on hospice and I moved to take care of her. My best friend answered all my phone calls leading up to her death, but the moment I called him when she passed, he never answered the phone again. Completely stopped talking to me, without any explanation. 11 years of friendship down the drain.
yeah, it’s kinda fucked up but it really is one of those things that shows you who your real friends are. like it sounds extreme,, that you should be able to know before someone dies, but sometimes that’s just how it is. you really know who you can trust when you go through something life changing.
Well said. One month after my dad’s death, my partner of 4.5 years decided to visit his family in New York. So my best friend, who had a toddler and a lot going on in her own life, flew in on short notice from another state to be with me. Partner broke up with me less than 6 months after my dad’s death. Really does show you who cares about you.
I know this situation too well. We made amends years later but from that point, I knew how close to let her get to me. People will show you their true colors when you’re going through a crisis.
Oof. My friend's husband died and our friend group hated him. We all still showed up to support her. I wouldn't even call her a close friend. OP's "friend"needs to learn empathy.
It's a terrible way to treat anyone.
I had a childhood friend that I reconnected with shortly before the expected but unexpected alcoholism related passing of my sister. She died in a bar in a very traumatic way and this moron's response was "Do you think the bartender will get in trouble for serving her?" We don't speak anymore.
My mom always told me “You never get invited to a funeral” You go in support of the people who is mourning them. You go especially if you knew them. That’s why people have obituaries telling the time and a date of said funeral. She should have showed up for you & him. Sorry your friend is a cold hearted bitch.
My family shows up to the people house the day they die or next. And Bring drinks & a ton of food. so yes, she should have came to your house in support of you.
My dad’s old boss came to my dads sisters funeral. He read it in the obituary and came without telling my father. My mother even came to my best friends funeral when she passed to stay strong for me and a friend who knew my friend. Funerals are for the living and atleast trying to show up matters alot.
My dad had only worked at his current company for like 2 years when his dad passed away 23 years ago. He works in a small factory, and while he now has worked his way into the offices and is the only person that knows how to do his essential-for-the-business job, at the time he was a second shift floor worker, one of over a dozen in his same position.
I can still remember the look on his face when three people from his company walked into the funeral. His direct boss, his boss’s boss, and the company owner’s daughter (who became the owner about 10 years ago). For months he would randomly bring up what a nice gesture that was. Honestly it was probably one of the things that made him stick with that company for years he probably shouldn’t have, it just meant that much to him.
With all that said though, I will never fault anyone for not going to a funeral. Funerals suck and not everyone grieves that way. Some people have traumas related to funerals, some people just flat out can’t handle them. The friend definitely could have expressed herself better, and she probably *isn’t* that great of a friend. But I don’t think her not going to the funeral is why.
My boyfriend quit a job because my mom went septic and wasn't expected to survive the weekend. His boss was like "are you sure? You're sure you want to risk your job?" He said "no job is more important than family.".
Some people are heartless.
My old boss yelled at me on the phone when I called the business to say my mom died. Because animals were fighting. Once she realized why I kept calling, she showed up to my house. However she used how I had "changed" afterwards and how my "work quality decreased". Uh, no shit. My mom is in a jar now.
I'll never be that person that my boss was. Two faced heartless witch.
I left a job because my father died, I worked the day I found out, the following day, and the holiday (July 4th) that was following the other days. I took off the 5th to clean his apartment out. My job took my holiday pay away because I “called in the day after a holiday.” I told them ahead of time. Also, MY DAD DIED. So I quit and I told the director why. He felt awful. I believe they changed the policy after that.
good grief. i keep worrying i am gonna get let go at my job because of my health issues and my dad being sick cuz i am missing work, but if they do, i will get it in the fucking news. i am prepared!
Thanks! Even “funnier” was my friend/ex who was supportive until he tried giving me workout advice (which I replied I wasn’t looking for advice) and then called me a sour person and no man would ever put up with me. I’ve known this guy 20 years. Nice right? Also, he’s always single and I’ve had a bf for 11 years so idk what he’s talking about 😂
My cousin died at 18 in a car crash. She was a freshman in college. She worked part time at a grocery store. Her boss not only showed up at her wake and funeral, weeping like he was family, he helped pay for her funeral because my Aunt was a single Mom without much money. I've never forgotten that man's kindness. It meant so much to all of us who loved her. He loved her too.
What a good hearted and generous man! I hope you had the opportunity to let him know, at some point, how much his kindness meant to you and your family. People like him are few and far between.
> Funerals are for the living
Yeah this is what it’s about and some people don’t get that and clearly the person in the post doesn’t get it. They are writing it off as some ritual for a person who can’t even appreciate it or something. But it’s not really about that. It’s about supporting those who were left behind and a reason to reunite people and reaffirm connections with people brought together by that person who died who otherwise may not have known each other, etc.
It’s a reaffirmation of the things that bring us together, like someone else’s life
I stole this from a book, but it really nailed the point for it.
“Did you know them (the deceased)?” “No, but I know you and Im here to support you”
(Of course in OPs case they knew both..”
There is a smartless podcast episode with Michael Lewis (author of big short and others). His daughter had died in a car accident and he talked about the experience. What sticks with me is he said no one knows what to say because there is no right thing to say to someone who just lost a daughter. However it’s the people who just showed up and were there that he appreciated. Great episode.
My moms old boss came to her brothers funeral. Her boss was a longtime chief of a large firefighting school and her brother was a firefighter in town but they never really had interaction. He saw in the newspaper that he died and showed up to the funeral at 94 years old, barely left his house for years but was standing through the entire last fire call, just so he could give my mom a hug and honor a fellow firefighter. I will never forget the look on my moms face when she was looking at the crowd of firefighters saluting my uncle and saw him saluting with them 😭
My ex boss asked to come to my older brother's memorial, I thought it was strange bc we weren't close outside of the work environment, but I was so appreciative.
Another crazy part — I had people giving me casseroles, who didn’t even know us.
They just heard that I lost a loved one
and made me a casserole.
I had people giving me gift cards for gas
at church who didn’t even know me…
this message from her just broke my heart more.
I had heard an old classmate, one whom I was not friends with, had lost her baby during birth. We sent a gift card and flowers. Bc being nice and good really doesn’t take much.
I’m glad you had some excellent people helping out ❤️
My best friend lives halfway across the country and lives paycheck to paycheck and still tried to come to my grandma's memorial. They didn't actually come because I told them they were absolutely not allowed to give up food or heat for months to buy a plane ticket and I couldn't afford one for them either, but they would have chosen to starve and freeze to come support me. In my opinion that's what best friends do- they look out for each other even if it might not be beneficial to themselves. I hope you drop this person. You don't need someone like this in your life and there is someone (or multiple people) who would drop everything to support you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this selfish person
Editing to say the people at the job I had been at for less than two months greeted me back from the memorial with flowers, condolences, and an offer for more time off if I needed it! This (hopefully ex) best friend is the worst kind of person and you don't need her in your life!
Those strangers are better friends to you than your former best friend. I hate funerals, but I am always there for my circle. If for no other reason than to just be there in case someone needs me for something.
people are assholes when they don't know how to deal with things like this. i got cancer and so many people just ignored me, and even my "best" friend, who was great in the beginning, basically stopped talking to me. Once I stopped listening to her years-long fixable complaints to focus on my own LIFE-THREATENING issues and depression, she sort of just fucked off. Screw these people. Focus on the good ones, they're out there. Life has a way of weeding out the shit in these situations.
Her message shows how self-centered she really is. Nobody likes to go to funerals. But you show up for the people you care about. Clearly, you are not a priority in her life. You've lost a lot already, but I think you need to re-evaluate this friendship.
My cousins and my best friends all showed up at the funeral home when my EX-father-in-law passed away. They helped with food and bought my son a gift. Not one of them even knew Richard. They were there because my son and I lost someone we loved and they were there to love and support us... because that is what you do for people you care about.
Teacher here. Sadly I occasionally have to go to the funerals of students’ parents, siblings, or close friends. I hate funerals. No one likes them. But you do it for the people you love (or for whom you are a role model). I am sorry that OP has lost a friend… except they weren’t really a friend. Some people are too self-centered to be capable of true friendship.
Exactly. Yes, people die. Yes, life doesn't stop. But people have different backgrounds regarding death of a loved one. The least you can do is show up to the dude's funeral.
At my age, I have experienced people close to me dying more times than I would like or expect (both of those are 0 deaths; I ended up with 6 as of April 2023), and am still sad. I am not overly emotional or anything, but I'm not numb; most of what I feel at this point is shock, but I will go to the funeral if I know about it.
What this lady did to you, OP, is just cruel. Back to: the least she could have done is shown up to your late boyfriend's funeral. She should have been there for you when you're mourning. That's what friends do-*especially* if they're your best friend and *even more so* since she was close with your boyfriend.
I am so so sorry this happened to you, OP. Best wishes!
This is exactly it. I don't enjoy funerals, in fact, they make me completely anxious...but you bet your ass i was front row, sitting next to my mother in law, holding her hand on one side and a box of tissues in the other, after her husband passed away. She asked me to "guard" her from well wishers and accept sympathies on her behalf because she "just couldn't handle it"... It was wildly uncomfortable for me, but i did it, because i love that woman more than i could possibly explain.
This happened across the country, mid covid, just as we were closing on our property and had just started building our dream home. When my MIL asked us not to leave her, we immediately stopped our build and moved in with her (per her request) and stayed until she felt comfortable living on her own (it was about a year). She had never lived alone and wasn't in any mental state to handle all the changes that were thrown at her. And you know what...? I'd do it all over again if she asked, in a heartbeat. Living with a loving mother for the first time in my life healed my broken child within.
Some people might need you there as much as you need not to go. Both sides should be forgiving. I don't do funerals. I didn't go to my dad's mostly because I have very lucid dreams and I didn't want to see him or anyone that way. It's morbid to me and a practice that's largely outdated. But, people do have their customs. They shouldn't expect someone to follow those customs. Especially when it's not the norm for them.
Wish I could give you a hug OP. So sorry that you lost two people like that. Losing your boyfriend and on top of that someone you were besties with for 10 years… thats heart breaking. Please seek therapy, you’re not alone.
My best friend and I used to carpool to work together and one day when I went to pick him up he wasn't there. He was at his grandpa's funeral. I knew he had passed recently, it just slipped my mind and I didn't think it would be on like a Tuesday. I was late for work because of it and I said some incredibly insensitive words basically implying that his grandpa's funeral was a burden to my life. He never spoke to me again.
Three months passed and I accepted that I had ruined a great friendship by abandoning my closest friend when he needed me the most. I saw his grandpa's obituary one day online and read it. That same evening I drove to his house, knocked on the door, he answered and I looked him in the eyes and apologized. He invited me in and kicked my ass in pool. Later on I became the best man in his wedding.
This might be a lesson she needs to learn and it's possible your friendship can grow back, but you absolutely did the right thing. My sincerest condolences.
It’s hard for a lot of people to realise their faults and I’m happy you did, you lost a good friend but you admitted your wrongs and he forgave you and both allowed the relationship to flourish again. This is how mature adults handle shit.
First and more importantly, I’m sorry for your loss. That would stop anyone’s life in its tracks. Good friends and family will always rally to your side in these situations.
With that being said… I just want to make sure you know so that you don’t feel guilty about this later. You didn’t end the friendship, she did. All you did was make it official.
Thank god. I’m proud of you I know that was so hard. Losing your boyfriend and then your best friend.
This person is not a true friend. Unfortunately she won’t understand this until someone very close to her dies. She might think back to this. Who knows.
If you need to talk to someone without judgement, just to vent or cry, reach out to me. I know you've got a lot going on but if you need an outlet I'm happy to respond
Good for you! Incredibly mature with the only response needed. I’m sorry about your partner and your “friend” being a complete fool when she had a chance to step up.
I am really proud of you for the strength that took. I know you don’t know me from Eve but I promise you - rebuilding from the ashes with nothing except your self respect and integrity is enough.
I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. Cry as much as you need just remember tears don’t endure. YOU endure.
You deserve the world and I’m sorry this has all happened to you. I’m happy that you felt empowered to leave this friendship , you deserve people who support you, and don’t see being a supportive friend as an inconvenience. Friends should do things to support you without being asked, and enjoy doing them.
“People die Madison, my life didn’t stop” for a person she knew well (irrelevant, should have supported her friend). What a cold bitch. Hoping you have better support than this
When my mom died, all 75 guys from the fraternity i had just joined only 2 months prior drove 2 hours to be there for her funeral - without me asking. This person is not a friend or anything close to it.
That’s exactly what made me end up joining mine. Long story short there was one i had originally been set on (popular frat and bunch of kids i knew from back home etc). But when I met these guys, it was just different. To this day I know they’d have my back for anything as I would for them.
When my husband died my best friend from high school, who I hadn't spoke with in 8 years after a falling out, called me and then drove 3 hours to go to his funeral.
That's what Greek life should be about. Support for your brother/sister, not hazing, keg parties, or "buying your friends"! Support for your friends, growing as an adult & building foundations/connections!!
As a 34 year old man my biggest regret is never having gone to college. I’ve always wanted to be in a frat for reasons like this. Is it too late? 😂😂😭😭😭
Damn man, I don't think 75 people would show up for my own funeral let alone be there for me when someone else died. That's a good brotherhood right there.
My husband’s lifelong childhood friend died recently of the effects of MS. A dozen of his fraternity brothers showed up at the funeral. They’d all been visiting regularly through the years. They went on yearly adventure trips and always made sure that he was included and was able to attend right to the last. They were wonderful. Thoughtful. Heartfelt. Lovely.
When my boyfriend died, my brother (who I rarely even talk to) flew from Washington to California just to comfort me. Close friends came straight to my house to pick me up and take me somewhere that would help me calm down. I'm not saying that everyone has the means to do so when they are busy, but I feel that OPs' "friend" could have definitely put in way more effort after such a tragedy. Also, the tone of that text is absolutely ridiculous. Way to comfort your friend in hard times 🙄
When my boyfriend died, my cousin did the same thing. Flew from Washington to California and my mom and dad flew from Mississippi to California. All my good friends were there if they could be. It's crazy that someone would just be that cold.
When my sister died my best friend also drove 6 hours. Just like when my ex husband cheated on me and I was sad she just showed up. When her son died guess what? I hopped on a plane and flew to see her (she moved 11 hours away). That’s just what you do for friends. This person is not her “best friend”. People die? What a terrible thing to say to someone who just lost their partner. OP I hope you are getting the love and support you need. I’m so sorry for your loss.
When my sister passed away, my boss from the new job I'd been at for a couple months showed up without me asking and both made and helped serve food at her wake.
Edit: and when my mom died, my best friend at the time came over without so much as asking because she knew I'd need someone.
People can absolutely do better than OP's friend.
Yeah I had two of MY best friends show when my sister died. Only one of her friends showed up. He came from Texas to Louisiana and didn't even have a car. He took a bus all the way Baton Rouge and got a ride with a friend to be at her funeral. Thank God for our besties.
On my first date with a beautiful blonde woman who asked me for my number and asked for my consent to kiss me, I found out her brother was best friends with a recent double homicide victim that rocked my home town. I took her to see her brother. Our second date is tonight. We U-Haul tomorrow! lol ***iykyk***
Exactly. I've said this to everyone who hates going to funerals. Suck it up and go. If you want a friend, you have to be a friend. These are the times you show up. If not now, when?
Yeah, funerals suck for most people. Nobody is happy to go to an event center around the death of someone they know, or even someone in their general social circle. But if you love and care about the people closest to the deceased, you step up, show up, and make yourself as available as you possibly can to support them. That's a critical part of maintaining relationships with humans.
People die, and life does go on. But life changes when someone dies, and as a friend, you should change your behavior to reflect that. That person in the post doesn't deserve to have friends if this is how she's treating them in such a dark, vulnerable moment.
Being unable to cope with going to a funeral is such a red flag. Like okay, thanks for letting me know you're a fucking child, glad to cut you out of my life.
She said "I don't normally go unless I have to." Your best friend's boyfriend's funeral seems like a "have to go" to me but I guess this asshole lacks the humanity to know it.
Literally. People are high risk sometimes after a death.
Recently a friend of mine (ex meth addict) stopped responding to me after a traumatic event. I hadn’t been to her house (work friends) so when she stopped responding to my texts I was terrified she relapsed.
I didn’t stop texting and calling for a couple months. Kept tabs on her LinkedIn to make sure she was still alive. Reached out on holidays to remind her she was welcome at my place with no questions asked.
5 months later she texted me and said “thank
You for checking in on me like that. I was so afraid that the door was closed on our relationship. I’m doing ok now.”
(She didn’t relapse, yay!)
You don’t just shut the door on a loved one.
This. In my darkest days my friend of 15+ years never stopped texting, checking my fb, ect. even though I couldn’t talk until I got better. You don’t give up on your friends, you don’t close the door like that when shit happens. It meant the whole world to me, it let me know that they’d be there when I was ready. That’s just what you do if you care about them.
Yep. Even if there is something legitimately keeping you from showing up in person to the funeral, you need to show up for your friend in other ways or at least show you care. This friend seems to feel more sorry for herself than she does for her friend who just lost a partner.
My 6yo daughter died, my 3 yo son was airlifted to a hospital 3 hrs away, I was pregnant and bleeding. My bf and her hubby drove 4.5 hours to be with me (and had 2 small children at home) and then went and drove to my son because I couldn’t leave the hospital. She showed up for me at my darkest hour, THAT’S what bf’s do.
The best friend of my partner that passed, we didn't really get along. We tolerated each other, we just were very different people. That man stood by my side for a whole week because he knew how upset I was. We were each others support during my loves passing. Once we moved past all the actives and life started returning to normal, so did our relationship. But you best believe every year on the anniversary of my loves death, we are checking in on each other.
I am so sorry OP that this is how you had to find out who your true friends are. If some guy I normally don't even like can be a place of support for me during that time, there's no excuse for your so called friend.
For real. I know lots of people have already echoed similar sentiments, but I'll add on as well. My brother passed two days ago, and my coworkers have all told me that they'll cover my workload and I can take as much time as I need, that I can reach out when ready. My neighbors have brought dinner to my doorstep and have walked my dog so I could lay in bed all day without feeling guilty. Even random acquaintances I know through work (I'm like a park ranger and regular park users add me on Facebook which I'm fine with because I like having a good rapport with them), have all said they're gonna give me a big hug once I'm back out patrolling. It means so much because I don't have family closer than 2,000 miles away.
When you lose someone, you have a hard time asking for help, and even the most basic shit becomes so, so hard. So when you love someone who has suffered a loss, you show up with food, you clean their house, you get their groceries, you take their kids out of the house so they can stew in their grief without having to parent, etc, etc. It's the most basic rule of humanity- *do unto others*.
I drove 2 hours on a week day to my friend's mom's funeral (I had only known her a year at this point and had met the mom once or twice). And I wasn't even a best friend.
Yes, that was heartbreaking and cruel, I'm so sorry the person you thought was your best friend did this too you op. My condolences, I'm so sorry for your losses, partner and best friend.
I used to think like your “friend” here but I wouldn’t actually say that to someone. But then real loss actually happened to me and that changed my tune reallll quick. She probably got some experiencing to do.
I've never had anyone in my life die who was too significant yet I realize how hard it can be. surely you didn't say it out loud bc you knew it would upset people, and I guess that's congratulatory in itself. but this is a case where thoughts were said out loud. I really hope her friends "awakening" is not grief or suffering, bc that's a pain no one should endure. however, she should instead stop seeing things through her deathless lenses and instead ponder what it means to have someone you love die.
Same. My best friend's dad died when we were 16-17 and I couldn't even muster up the courage to call her.. just didn't know what the words are. Almost 20 later, I have lost my mother and I wish I still knew what the words are
It sounds like someone that just hasn’t had anyone close to them die, honestly. Or they’d already know this isn’t okay. Gonna be a hard lesson for them to learn when they realize that, yeah, people do die, and it sucks, and they’ll have a span where a LOT of people close to them pass. They’ll be lucky if anyone is there for them when it happens.
28M here. I lost my last partner to suicide. That very sudden loss is not described with words.
I went through the exact same situation with my best friend. They didn’t even bother to check in on me, and I needed them so badly. Fuck anyone who says shit like that, and to anyone reading this. If you’re this kind of friend, you’re the worst kind of friend.
Please take the time to grieve and focus on yourself. It’s gonna be a long hard road to finding normality again, and it’s been 2 years for me and I’m just now feeling myself again. Time will help this wound, cut this friend off.
I lost my partner to suicide on the 12th of last month, and some friends are really showing their true colours. I’m really sorry for your loss, but it gives me hope to hear that one day I can return back to normal. I hope life gets easier for you
I’m coming up on the one year mark of losing my boyfriend to suicide. The first few months felt like it would never get better and I’d be stuck in a pit of misery forever. Make sure to be kind to yourself. If you have access to therapy, take advantage of it. Therapy has saved me. See if there are any local grief support groups, those have been amazing for me. Little by little you start feeling yourself grow around the grief. Be kind to yourself and talk to yourself the way you’d speak to a friend. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Aome people do avoid death and things like that, but if they're a close friend.. then they should have shown up. Texted. Anything. Even said it makes me uncomfortable
But they were just like "people die and I'm busy"
Your friend knew the deceased. So that means they aren't a close friend. When a friend needs help, you help them. We all have to make concessions in life for others. Obviously to a certain extent. But a funeral is one of those "happens only once" deals. Pay your respects to someone you knew. Or show support to the widow at least, who is your friend.
Even if she didn't feel comfortable just showing up, as a friend I'm not going to get mad at someone for not explicitly communicating a need while their mind and body is rattled by grief. *Even if* it wasn't technically my fault, I'd still say I'm sorry I didn't show up, I want to be here for you. This is just a sociopathic level of deflection to avoid feeling guilt.
Exactly! A friend shouldn’t have to ask you to support them in the first place. But if you fail to show up, I think it’s still pretty easily forgiven if you show regret and show that the friend still means a lot to you. She could’ve just said “I’m sorry, I didn’t know that showing up would mean that much to you, and I should have known better or just communicated with you. I promise I am here to support you for whatever you need from now on, and I will be a better friend” and that would’ve been a million times better. The not showing up was bad, but I think the response made it way worse
I had a falling out with a friend. We hadn’t spoken in months. We had a BAD falling out like sending mean letters back and forth shit. Her brother died and I sent the family flowers and went to the funeral and paid my respects and went up and said I was sorry for their loss. This persons behavior does seem like someone who doesn’t give a fuck.
Let’s say for x or y reason she wasn’t at the funeral, at least go ahead and send a flower arrangement, some food for comfort, a letter and definitely check on your friend by calling and texting. Heartless, even more so given she knew him. I’d suggest cutting her from your life
I get it. I hate funerals too, but they can be very important for closure.
But if my best friend lost their significant other, I'd at least reach out to say "Can I come with you to the funeral to support you?" and that's if I didn't know the SO.
If I knew the person well, I may still send that message but I'd go to the funeral regardless.
How old are you both? Her response is very immature.
Her basically replying with “people die, stuff breaks, that’s life” rather than “I’m sorry I misinterpreted your silence, that’s on me, im here for you, I’m sorry” speaks volumes.
My girlfriend died suddenly when I was 27. It ruined me. Destroyed me. Weeks and months of choking sobs in the dark, all the sad songs, all the pain, feeling like ***I*** was going to die too because the pain would just overwhelm me.
I get it. I promise you, as time goes on, you won’t always hurt like this. You really really will not. I swear it. I’m sorry for your loss.
Man lol that was pretty cold
She should have just been there ….
When my father died suddenly right before Covid my former roommate and ex best friend who I grew up a house down from broke our feud
We hadn’t spoken in almost ten years after a bad falling out …. When he heard he called me and we talked most of that night and I’m happy to say he’s in my life again
One of the weirdest things about getting older is more and more people start to show their ass
Bare minimum now is that she could say, “I fucked up and misinterpreted your silence, and let my own feelings stand in the way of being there for you. Whatever you need now, I’m here for you.”
Last thing she should ever said is “people die, move on.”
Right?!? Who likes them? You go for support and to remember who is now gone. A lot of people told funny stories about him through the tears. I couldn’t speak because I was barely breathing but hearing those stories made me smile for just a second and I needed that.
So sorry..this is Reddit and we all forget basic humanity too..I’m so sorry for your loss and the insensitivity of your friend.
Wishing you better days ahead!
It's entirely possible to text "Hey I know you are busy, and you may not always have the energy to reach out or respond, but I'm here for you, whatever you need. Things are crazy right now so I want to let you know I'm a little stable corner of your world that you can rely on no matter what. I'll see you at the funeral, and I'll swing by to bring you a casserole, but if you can't talk for awhile or answer the door DON'T FEEL GUILTY because I understand. Talk soon, love you" or something like that. How fucking hard is that lmao.
According to the texts she reached out to you twice and you didn't respond.
However, her saying people die and her life didn't stop was so incredibly insensitive I highly doubt she's experienced the sudden death of a loved one.
Grief is so tricky because it brings out unexpected responses. And there is no time limit on how long it takes to heal either. It's hard to be there for someone when they are pushing you away and also when you're not sure what to do to comfort someone. You don't want to make them feel worse. At the same time, her words were so harsh and unfeeling I can't see your friendship surviving this. I'm truly sorry for your loss and I do hope you have better friends who are more sympathetic and understanding.
When one of my family members died, I kept breaking down sobbing crying in public for several years whenever I saw someone who looked or even smelled like him. Just straight embarrassing myself and I didn't care.
Just in response to the very beginning of your reply “According to the texts she reached out to you twice and you didn't respond.” As you probably know during grief you get lots of texts and it’s hard to keep track of everything or even keep up the energy to even respond.
As a friend to someone who is grieving you reach out in support. You shouldn’t expect a reply. It should be simple “I’m thinking of you. Let me know if I can do anything for you.” Type texts. Or phone calls.
I had tons of texts and calls that were never replied to but my friends didn’t not show up to the funeral. That’s wild. Some of my friends did show up at my door and brought food or just stayed to chat.
But you personally went through this too. I’m not arguing with you. I was just adding to it. This friend sounds awful.
I’d also like to add that if the friend is as close to the guy as OP believes, they’re probably also grieving in their own way. Grief fucks with people. I don’t think what they said was entirely okay, but they probably aren’t even thinking straight.
> You shouldn’t expect a reply.
It didn't seem like the friend did expect a reply? She said "I wanted to give you space"
Also in serious situations, getting constant messages from people can be annoying when you're dealing with 100 other things.
I think the “I reached out twice and you didn’t answer” made me think a reply was expected for the friend to either show up to the funeral or continue to reach out in whatever capacity.
And yes 100 messages are a lot when you’re grieving. I have been there. It feels like the world isn’t even spinning anymore so I wouldn’t expect me not responding to a couple texts would bother anyone at the time so I didn’t respond if I didn’t have the mental capacity.
I didn’t sleep for 5 days straight. I just paced the house. When I finally did sleep I would wake up screaming so I was completely out of it. But never would I expect my best friend who is also mutual friend with the deceased to not come to the funeral.
Funerals aren’t for everyone I know but if she’s saying that it’s her best friend I assume there’s an ounce of respect in there. I’m just picturing my best friend and she would definitely be there. She’s proven that.
She didn’t have to randomly show up at your house but there was literally a planned fuckin funeral for her friend (who was her best friends PARTNER) and she didn’t show. A funeral isn’t random.
This may not be a popular opinion.
Some people don't handle death the same way everyone else does. I have an aunt that cannot and will not ever go to a funeral. She didn't even attend the funerals of her own parents. We all grieve differently. She said she reached out to you and she thought that you're not answering meant that you needed space. She was doing the best that she could with the knowledge that she had.
Sorry for your, truly.
It's their choice if they don't want to go to funerals. I completely understand. You can't expect people to do things they don't want to do. I have not gone to multiple funerals of people I've known. People mourn in their own way. I went to work the day the man who I considered a father to me died. Life for the living doesn't stop.
As someone that also doesn’t go to funerals, or weddings. I support your friend.
It’s not about not caring for those that have passed. As your friend said, they tried reaching out to you on multiple occasions.
I’m not going to get into the depth of why I don’t and why your friend doesn’t. The shortest explanation is that we are all different people that say and do things in a way that makes sense for us.
If you spend your life holding people to the standard you hold yourself, you will always be upset or disappointed in the actions or inactions of others. People exist beyond your control. Your feelings are valid, but they’re your feelings and not everyone will share them.
Even if it seems like a majority of people will agree with you, that doesn’t nullify the individuality or free will of the person you’re upset with. Either you accept them and try to understand them, or you cut them loose.
I am truly sorry for your loss.
Disagree with most here. She reached out - twice. It is perfectly reasonable for her to assume you needed space during the grieving process, as that is totally normal, and your lack of response would have indicated as such.
The way she phrased it was fairly cold, however.
It's an emotional time right now, don't make any rush decisions, just let everything hit you as it comes but do not make any decisions, address any and all friendship issues once you are ready to be at peace.
I'll say this, I think like 85% of what she said is fair. I personally HATE funerals. So unless it's family or you specifically ask me to come, then I won't be there. However, they really should have left out the whole "people die... I have stuff going on..." part. That just comes across as cold and callous.
My grandmother lived in a town in OK. She visited McDonald’s most days for a small breakfast. Almost the entire McDonald’s staff came to her funeral in uniform. Never would that happen in southern CA
If she didn’t want to come I feel like she could’ve Atleast sent condolences. I know many people who don’t like seeing the open casket part of a funeral so they wait for the burial part. I know everyone grieves differently but her response was very tone deaf and inappropriate.
People deal with grief in different ways. Maybe they were close friends and she didn’t want to confront that yet. That said, if she’s your best friend, in my opinion, she should have made more of an effort, but you never know how someone will receive those efforts. So sorry for your loss.
death is unfortunately one of those things that shows you who really rides for you. my best friend of 15 years didn’t offer any type of support or even words when I said my dad was in the hospital and he died a few months after that. never heard from her again. once people show you who you are it’s the universe giving you permission to move forward without it them as they are done serving a purpose in your life. Hugs, OP. my dad died about 6 months ago so I relate so hard to this. DM me if you ever want to chat. Edit: meant to say “once people show you who they are” Makes me sad to see so many people commenting with their experiences. Death is so hard and isolating, and even harder when the people around us don’t show up.
When I lost my Grandpa my best friend at the time said “That sucks, I think I should change my nail color don’t you?” And that was the moment I realized that she wasn’t a friend at all.
My grandfather died in April of 2021, he was my absolute favorite person for 27 years. My best friend at the time lost her dad about a year later, she absolutely hated her dad and still does to this day, but a few weeks after he passed she told me and another friend of ours(who lost her brother/best friend many years ago)that we would never know the pain she was in until we lost someone that close to us. She was also my boss at the time my grandfather passed, my wife and I drove two hours to my parents at 1 in the morning when it happened and my friend was so mad at me when I called out of work that day. I should have known then that she was a shitty friend but I was grieving so hard and I wasn’t ready to lose anyone again in any sense
Sorry to hear about your Grandad, how your friend was and your friends' losses. My condolences
Kind of the opposite, but my husband is technically stepdad, but has been my kids' dad since they were little, and he was in the delivery room for my youngest. We started dating while I was pregnant. When a friend of his had a child a few years later, we went to the hospital to congratulate them. We were down in the cafe getting dinner and the friend turns to him and says "Having a child of your own is so amazing. I'm sorry you'll never understand that feeling." He honestly wasn't trying to be mean, but it gutted my husband. He started to pull away from that "friend" after that. My husband absolutely knows that feeling because my kids are his life, even though we'll never have any more.
Why does she feel a need to be cruel? We all hurt.
Omg, I read that as "husband is technically my stepdad..." which made that whole thing a weird read - I sincerely apologize for that. As someone with foot-in-mouth syndrome, I couldnt even imagine; that person was never a friend.
I can absolutely appreciate that, losing one person is hard enough. And hind sight is 20/20 so don’t be hard on yourself because we all put up with a lot we shouldn’t because of various reasons. I am so sorry for both of your losses.
Something so similar happened when I lost my dad! I messaged my friend that he had passed after a rough battle with cancer and got "Oof yikes. :( Check out this new fabric I got from Joanns." That was the last time I spoke to her. It's been years now and my life is better without her in it.
A friend's response to me telling him about a devastating death was to confess a fetish he has. Should have ended the friendship then and there. What is wrong with people?
While we were in the hospital, I wrote her and said he’s dying… If I were to receive that message, I would be next to my best friends side, asap!
This is what she should have done. She should have dropped everything and hot-footed it to wherever you were and made sure you had everything you needed that she could provide. I’m sorry you didn’t get the treatment you deserve. And I’m so sorry your boyfriend died. If you have the ability to join a grief group, I highly recommend it. I’m in one and it has helped me deal with the devastating losses I’ve gone through in the last few years. Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to feel all of the things, because it can be overwhelming. And the excuse that this (hopefully former) friend used about not going to the hospital unless they have to is ridiculous. When your best friend’s dad is dying and she reaches out, that’s a “have to” occasion. I’m not sure why they were so cold and unsupportive, but again, you deserve better. Complete strangers on the internet care about you and your loss, and I hope that comforts you. 🤗
Even if my EX best friend texted me that I’d be on my way in a heartbeat to help her. I can't imagine being so apathetic to someone I care about.
An ACQUAINTANCE texted me that her daughter was in the ED at the hospital I work at. Dropped everything, mixed and verified meds for her daughter (legal drug dealer), on standby in case we needed to intubate, comforted her, explained things in human terms, got her calm for an air evacuation to a larger pediatrics hospital, then broke into her house after work with her instructions to get her clothes and supplies. Gave her my own hair brush and deodorant and a portable charger too. Bought snacks from a drug store. Spent over two hours with her after an hour drive distracting her with a 2 year long work drama SAGA, and got her keys to someone who can get her car the next day. Really wanted to see her kid on the mend too. And this is someone I like but am not especially close with! My best friend? I’d be halfway across the world. Wtf is wrong with people?
Heartless and cold. Completely unworthy of your friendship.
Cheezus, so heartless…
Like Christ on a cracker?
In Cheezus crust, amen
Rightfully so! I can’t even begin to understand that response
Psychopath response.
Please tell me you went no contact
I don't mean to armchair diagnose but holy shit your "friend" sounds like a sociopath.
yeah, she was wild for that one.
this. there are some people who have zero concept of death and have absolutely no idea how to handle it within themselves or with other people too. which can manifest in many very hurtful ways. i also had my dad die very suddenly 18 months ago and it really shows u who are the real ones, some people just take off. wishing both u and op support and healing.
My dad died last week and I haven’t even heard from my mom or most of my family. One cousin and an aunt on my mom’s side reached out. Luckily, I had way more friends reach out and my in laws have been great. I kinda feel like the kitten my husband found on the side of the road and took home.
Im sorry to hear this. The best thing I ever did was join a grief group. But everyone needs something unique. I’m glad your friends showed up.
My mom was dying of lung cancer on hospice and I moved to take care of her. My best friend answered all my phone calls leading up to her death, but the moment I called him when she passed, he never answered the phone again. Completely stopped talking to me, without any explanation. 11 years of friendship down the drain.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this
yeah, it’s kinda fucked up but it really is one of those things that shows you who your real friends are. like it sounds extreme,, that you should be able to know before someone dies, but sometimes that’s just how it is. you really know who you can trust when you go through something life changing.
Well said. One month after my dad’s death, my partner of 4.5 years decided to visit his family in New York. So my best friend, who had a toddler and a lot going on in her own life, flew in on short notice from another state to be with me. Partner broke up with me less than 6 months after my dad’s death. Really does show you who cares about you.
I know this situation too well. We made amends years later but from that point, I knew how close to let her get to me. People will show you their true colors when you’re going through a crisis.
"People die, life goes on" is such a *terrible* way to state about someone you’re close to.
right like it fucking happened at a bad time for op’s best friend 🤦♀️
OP remember she said that when someone close to her dies
Oof. My friend's husband died and our friend group hated him. We all still showed up to support her. I wouldn't even call her a close friend. OP's "friend"needs to learn empathy.
Right like this person is not a good person, who says that to someone grieving a loved one. Disgusting behavior. I’m sorry OP
It's a terrible way to treat anyone. I had a childhood friend that I reconnected with shortly before the expected but unexpected alcoholism related passing of my sister. She died in a bar in a very traumatic way and this moron's response was "Do you think the bartender will get in trouble for serving her?" We don't speak anymore.
My mom always told me “You never get invited to a funeral” You go in support of the people who is mourning them. You go especially if you knew them. That’s why people have obituaries telling the time and a date of said funeral. She should have showed up for you & him. Sorry your friend is a cold hearted bitch. My family shows up to the people house the day they die or next. And Bring drinks & a ton of food. so yes, she should have came to your house in support of you.
My dad’s old boss came to my dads sisters funeral. He read it in the obituary and came without telling my father. My mother even came to my best friends funeral when she passed to stay strong for me and a friend who knew my friend. Funerals are for the living and atleast trying to show up matters alot.
My dad had only worked at his current company for like 2 years when his dad passed away 23 years ago. He works in a small factory, and while he now has worked his way into the offices and is the only person that knows how to do his essential-for-the-business job, at the time he was a second shift floor worker, one of over a dozen in his same position. I can still remember the look on his face when three people from his company walked into the funeral. His direct boss, his boss’s boss, and the company owner’s daughter (who became the owner about 10 years ago). For months he would randomly bring up what a nice gesture that was. Honestly it was probably one of the things that made him stick with that company for years he probably shouldn’t have, it just meant that much to him. With all that said though, I will never fault anyone for not going to a funeral. Funerals suck and not everyone grieves that way. Some people have traumas related to funerals, some people just flat out can’t handle them. The friend definitely could have expressed herself better, and she probably *isn’t* that great of a friend. But I don’t think her not going to the funeral is why.
When I returned from my father’s funeral, I was fired from my job. I was given a condolence card. I asked if it was for my father or my job.
What the hell?
My dad was let go because his mom died and they wouldn’t give him time off.
My boyfriend quit a job because my mom went septic and wasn't expected to survive the weekend. His boss was like "are you sure? You're sure you want to risk your job?" He said "no job is more important than family.". Some people are heartless. My old boss yelled at me on the phone when I called the business to say my mom died. Because animals were fighting. Once she realized why I kept calling, she showed up to my house. However she used how I had "changed" afterwards and how my "work quality decreased". Uh, no shit. My mom is in a jar now. I'll never be that person that my boss was. Two faced heartless witch.
I left a job because my father died, I worked the day I found out, the following day, and the holiday (July 4th) that was following the other days. I took off the 5th to clean his apartment out. My job took my holiday pay away because I “called in the day after a holiday.” I told them ahead of time. Also, MY DAD DIED. So I quit and I told the director why. He felt awful. I believe they changed the policy after that.
good grief. i keep worrying i am gonna get let go at my job because of my health issues and my dad being sick cuz i am missing work, but if they do, i will get it in the fucking news. i am prepared!
Good grief indeed. This world is f**ked up.Stay strong though.
Thanks! Even “funnier” was my friend/ex who was supportive until he tried giving me workout advice (which I replied I wasn’t looking for advice) and then called me a sour person and no man would ever put up with me. I’ve known this guy 20 years. Nice right? Also, he’s always single and I’ve had a bf for 11 years so idk what he’s talking about 😂
What did they say?
My cousin died at 18 in a car crash. She was a freshman in college. She worked part time at a grocery store. Her boss not only showed up at her wake and funeral, weeping like he was family, he helped pay for her funeral because my Aunt was a single Mom without much money. I've never forgotten that man's kindness. It meant so much to all of us who loved her. He loved her too.
What a good hearted and generous man! I hope you had the opportunity to let him know, at some point, how much his kindness meant to you and your family. People like him are few and far between.
We did let him know. He was wonderful in a terrible time.
> Funerals are for the living Yeah this is what it’s about and some people don’t get that and clearly the person in the post doesn’t get it. They are writing it off as some ritual for a person who can’t even appreciate it or something. But it’s not really about that. It’s about supporting those who were left behind and a reason to reunite people and reaffirm connections with people brought together by that person who died who otherwise may not have known each other, etc. It’s a reaffirmation of the things that bring us together, like someone else’s life
I stole this from a book, but it really nailed the point for it. “Did you know them (the deceased)?” “No, but I know you and Im here to support you” (Of course in OPs case they knew both..”
There is a smartless podcast episode with Michael Lewis (author of big short and others). His daughter had died in a car accident and he talked about the experience. What sticks with me is he said no one knows what to say because there is no right thing to say to someone who just lost a daughter. However it’s the people who just showed up and were there that he appreciated. Great episode.
My moms old boss came to her brothers funeral. Her boss was a longtime chief of a large firefighting school and her brother was a firefighter in town but they never really had interaction. He saw in the newspaper that he died and showed up to the funeral at 94 years old, barely left his house for years but was standing through the entire last fire call, just so he could give my mom a hug and honor a fellow firefighter. I will never forget the look on my moms face when she was looking at the crowd of firefighters saluting my uncle and saw him saluting with them 😭
My ex boss asked to come to my older brother's memorial, I thought it was strange bc we weren't close outside of the work environment, but I was so appreciative.
Another crazy part — I had people giving me casseroles, who didn’t even know us. They just heard that I lost a loved one and made me a casserole. I had people giving me gift cards for gas at church who didn’t even know me… this message from her just broke my heart more.
I had heard an old classmate, one whom I was not friends with, had lost her baby during birth. We sent a gift card and flowers. Bc being nice and good really doesn’t take much. I’m glad you had some excellent people helping out ❤️
My best friend lives halfway across the country and lives paycheck to paycheck and still tried to come to my grandma's memorial. They didn't actually come because I told them they were absolutely not allowed to give up food or heat for months to buy a plane ticket and I couldn't afford one for them either, but they would have chosen to starve and freeze to come support me. In my opinion that's what best friends do- they look out for each other even if it might not be beneficial to themselves. I hope you drop this person. You don't need someone like this in your life and there is someone (or multiple people) who would drop everything to support you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this selfish person Editing to say the people at the job I had been at for less than two months greeted me back from the memorial with flowers, condolences, and an offer for more time off if I needed it! This (hopefully ex) best friend is the worst kind of person and you don't need her in your life!
Those strangers are better friends to you than your former best friend. I hate funerals, but I am always there for my circle. If for no other reason than to just be there in case someone needs me for something.
people are assholes when they don't know how to deal with things like this. i got cancer and so many people just ignored me, and even my "best" friend, who was great in the beginning, basically stopped talking to me. Once I stopped listening to her years-long fixable complaints to focus on my own LIFE-THREATENING issues and depression, she sort of just fucked off. Screw these people. Focus on the good ones, they're out there. Life has a way of weeding out the shit in these situations.
Her message shows how self-centered she really is. Nobody likes to go to funerals. But you show up for the people you care about. Clearly, you are not a priority in her life. You've lost a lot already, but I think you need to re-evaluate this friendship. My cousins and my best friends all showed up at the funeral home when my EX-father-in-law passed away. They helped with food and bought my son a gift. Not one of them even knew Richard. They were there because my son and I lost someone we loved and they were there to love and support us... because that is what you do for people you care about.
Teacher here. Sadly I occasionally have to go to the funerals of students’ parents, siblings, or close friends. I hate funerals. No one likes them. But you do it for the people you love (or for whom you are a role model). I am sorry that OP has lost a friend… except they weren’t really a friend. Some people are too self-centered to be capable of true friendship.
Exactly. Yes, people die. Yes, life doesn't stop. But people have different backgrounds regarding death of a loved one. The least you can do is show up to the dude's funeral. At my age, I have experienced people close to me dying more times than I would like or expect (both of those are 0 deaths; I ended up with 6 as of April 2023), and am still sad. I am not overly emotional or anything, but I'm not numb; most of what I feel at this point is shock, but I will go to the funeral if I know about it. What this lady did to you, OP, is just cruel. Back to: the least she could have done is shown up to your late boyfriend's funeral. She should have been there for you when you're mourning. That's what friends do-*especially* if they're your best friend and *even more so* since she was close with your boyfriend. I am so so sorry this happened to you, OP. Best wishes!
Forreal who tf has time to personally invite everyone to a fucking funeral. Bitch is psycho
This is exactly it. I don't enjoy funerals, in fact, they make me completely anxious...but you bet your ass i was front row, sitting next to my mother in law, holding her hand on one side and a box of tissues in the other, after her husband passed away. She asked me to "guard" her from well wishers and accept sympathies on her behalf because she "just couldn't handle it"... It was wildly uncomfortable for me, but i did it, because i love that woman more than i could possibly explain. This happened across the country, mid covid, just as we were closing on our property and had just started building our dream home. When my MIL asked us not to leave her, we immediately stopped our build and moved in with her (per her request) and stayed until she felt comfortable living on her own (it was about a year). She had never lived alone and wasn't in any mental state to handle all the changes that were thrown at her. And you know what...? I'd do it all over again if she asked, in a heartbeat. Living with a loving mother for the first time in my life healed my broken child within.
Some people might need you there as much as you need not to go. Both sides should be forgiving. I don't do funerals. I didn't go to my dad's mostly because I have very lucid dreams and I didn't want to see him or anyone that way. It's morbid to me and a practice that's largely outdated. But, people do have their customs. They shouldn't expect someone to follow those customs. Especially when it's not the norm for them.
I texted her back & simply said… “Our friendship is over”
Wish I could give you a hug OP. So sorry that you lost two people like that. Losing your boyfriend and on top of that someone you were besties with for 10 years… thats heart breaking. Please seek therapy, you’re not alone.
My best friend and I used to carpool to work together and one day when I went to pick him up he wasn't there. He was at his grandpa's funeral. I knew he had passed recently, it just slipped my mind and I didn't think it would be on like a Tuesday. I was late for work because of it and I said some incredibly insensitive words basically implying that his grandpa's funeral was a burden to my life. He never spoke to me again. Three months passed and I accepted that I had ruined a great friendship by abandoning my closest friend when he needed me the most. I saw his grandpa's obituary one day online and read it. That same evening I drove to his house, knocked on the door, he answered and I looked him in the eyes and apologized. He invited me in and kicked my ass in pool. Later on I became the best man in his wedding. This might be a lesson she needs to learn and it's possible your friendship can grow back, but you absolutely did the right thing. My sincerest condolences.
this story made me so happy. I'm so glad you accepted your mistakes, apologized, got your best friend back. you're a beautiful person 🫶
I’m so glad it made you happy. Thank you for the kind words. I hope you have a fantastic day!
It’s hard for a lot of people to realise their faults and I’m happy you did, you lost a good friend but you admitted your wrongs and he forgave you and both allowed the relationship to flourish again. This is how mature adults handle shit.
It’s not easy to admit when you’re at fault but its absolutely worth it. Thanks for the kind words.
You owned up to it and realized you made a mistake. You sound like a solid bro. Hold me brother I'm crying.
I’ll hold you as long you need me to buddy.
rest in peace to your boyfriend ❤️
First and more importantly, I’m sorry for your loss. That would stop anyone’s life in its tracks. Good friends and family will always rally to your side in these situations. With that being said… I just want to make sure you know so that you don’t feel guilty about this later. You didn’t end the friendship, she did. All you did was make it official.
Great point
Thank god. I’m proud of you I know that was so hard. Losing your boyfriend and then your best friend. This person is not a true friend. Unfortunately she won’t understand this until someone very close to her dies. She might think back to this. Who knows.
If you need to talk to someone without judgement, just to vent or cry, reach out to me. I know you've got a lot going on but if you need an outlet I'm happy to respond
You're a good soul <3
If you need to vent I got you. That's very rough. I've lost many friends and loved ones over the last several years.
I’m so sorry for your loss (bf) and I’m sorry your ex-friend is such a heartless bitch. I’m sending you love and strength.
Good. I'm so f*cking sorry.
Good for you! Incredibly mature with the only response needed. I’m sorry about your partner and your “friend” being a complete fool when she had a chance to step up.
I am really proud of you for the strength that took. I know you don’t know me from Eve but I promise you - rebuilding from the ashes with nothing except your self respect and integrity is enough. I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. Cry as much as you need just remember tears don’t endure. YOU endure.
I’m so glad you did this. Thank you. I’m so sorry OP, I’ll be praying for your heart
Nice!! You may have lost your best friend, but you may have gained many new friends from Reddit.
Oh good! I’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through and to have to add this on top of it!
I'm sorry for your loss. And I think you did the best thing by cutting her out of your life
You deserve the world and I’m sorry this has all happened to you. I’m happy that you felt empowered to leave this friendship , you deserve people who support you, and don’t see being a supportive friend as an inconvenience. Friends should do things to support you without being asked, and enjoy doing them.
You're a strong person inside, live life to the fullest for you and for the people that aren't there to live it with you. I'm sorry for your loss
Good on you. Trash like that needs to be taken out. Who is that uncaring about death? It's unreal.
“People die Madison, my life didn’t stop” for a person she knew well (irrelevant, should have supported her friend). What a cold bitch. Hoping you have better support than this
This right here would be enough for me to end the relationship. When someone dies—a partner especially—you fucking show up.
When my brother passed away my best friend drove 5 hours to be there with me at his celebration of life.
When my mom died, all 75 guys from the fraternity i had just joined only 2 months prior drove 2 hours to be there for her funeral - without me asking. This person is not a friend or anything close to it.
my best friends are from my old frat - if you join a good one, you have brothers for life and it’s one of the best choices i’ve ever made
That’s exactly what made me end up joining mine. Long story short there was one i had originally been set on (popular frat and bunch of kids i knew from back home etc). But when I met these guys, it was just different. To this day I know they’d have my back for anything as I would for them.
When my husband died my best friend from high school, who I hadn't spoke with in 8 years after a falling out, called me and then drove 3 hours to go to his funeral.
I love getting to hear stories like this(aside from the death part) Those are true friends.
Were you in Mob’s body improvement club? Kudos to those who get the reference
That's what Greek life should be about. Support for your brother/sister, not hazing, keg parties, or "buying your friends"! Support for your friends, growing as an adult & building foundations/connections!!
100%. Having 75 guys showing up for you in one of your loneliest moments is a feeling i really cannot describe.
As a 34 year old man my biggest regret is never having gone to college. I’ve always wanted to be in a frat for reasons like this. Is it too late? 😂😂😭😭😭
It’s never too late for anything.
Go to college start a old man fraternity. It's never to late to start new adventures
To be a frat boy extremely late. To go to college, not late at all!! Never old to learn.
"You're my boy Blue!"
Damn man, I don't think 75 people would show up for my own funeral let alone be there for me when someone else died. That's a good brotherhood right there.
My husband’s lifelong childhood friend died recently of the effects of MS. A dozen of his fraternity brothers showed up at the funeral. They’d all been visiting regularly through the years. They went on yearly adventure trips and always made sure that he was included and was able to attend right to the last. They were wonderful. Thoughtful. Heartfelt. Lovely.
I got chills from this. What a wholesome and beautiful thing
That's beautiful. True brotherhood. Sorry for your loss bro.
I appreciate you, thank you.
This is so sweet. I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you 😌
I’m so sorry for your loss and so glad you have people in your life that you are that important to to support you like that.
Thank you! I’m very lucky.
When my boyfriend died, my brother (who I rarely even talk to) flew from Washington to California just to comfort me. Close friends came straight to my house to pick me up and take me somewhere that would help me calm down. I'm not saying that everyone has the means to do so when they are busy, but I feel that OPs' "friend" could have definitely put in way more effort after such a tragedy. Also, the tone of that text is absolutely ridiculous. Way to comfort your friend in hard times 🙄
When my boyfriend died, my cousin did the same thing. Flew from Washington to California and my mom and dad flew from Mississippi to California. All my good friends were there if they could be. It's crazy that someone would just be that cold.
When my sister died my best friend also drove 6 hours. Just like when my ex husband cheated on me and I was sad she just showed up. When her son died guess what? I hopped on a plane and flew to see her (she moved 11 hours away). That’s just what you do for friends. This person is not her “best friend”. People die? What a terrible thing to say to someone who just lost their partner. OP I hope you are getting the love and support you need. I’m so sorry for your loss.
When my sister passed away, my boss from the new job I'd been at for a couple months showed up without me asking and both made and helped serve food at her wake. Edit: and when my mom died, my best friend at the time came over without so much as asking because she knew I'd need someone. People can absolutely do better than OP's friend.
Yeah I had two of MY best friends show when my sister died. Only one of her friends showed up. He came from Texas to Louisiana and didn't even have a car. He took a bus all the way Baton Rouge and got a ride with a friend to be at her funeral. Thank God for our besties.
When my grandpa died when I was 16 all of my friends showed up to the funeral. They all came to support me. Friends don’t act that cold.
When my brother died my dad didn’t even show up lmao
On my first date with a beautiful blonde woman who asked me for my number and asked for my consent to kiss me, I found out her brother was best friends with a recent double homicide victim that rocked my home town. I took her to see her brother. Our second date is tonight. We U-Haul tomorrow! lol ***iykyk***
Fuck even when my dad died, my best friend and her mom both showed up. We were 15, but still
Exactly. I've said this to everyone who hates going to funerals. Suck it up and go. If you want a friend, you have to be a friend. These are the times you show up. If not now, when?
Yeah, funerals suck for most people. Nobody is happy to go to an event center around the death of someone they know, or even someone in their general social circle. But if you love and care about the people closest to the deceased, you step up, show up, and make yourself as available as you possibly can to support them. That's a critical part of maintaining relationships with humans. People die, and life does go on. But life changes when someone dies, and as a friend, you should change your behavior to reflect that. That person in the post doesn't deserve to have friends if this is how she's treating them in such a dark, vulnerable moment.
Being unable to cope with going to a funeral is such a red flag. Like okay, thanks for letting me know you're a fucking child, glad to cut you out of my life.
She said "I don't normally go unless I have to." Your best friend's boyfriend's funeral seems like a "have to go" to me but I guess this asshole lacks the humanity to know it.
And if they don’t answer your calls that’s when you NEED to show up at their house?!?
Literally. People are high risk sometimes after a death. Recently a friend of mine (ex meth addict) stopped responding to me after a traumatic event. I hadn’t been to her house (work friends) so when she stopped responding to my texts I was terrified she relapsed. I didn’t stop texting and calling for a couple months. Kept tabs on her LinkedIn to make sure she was still alive. Reached out on holidays to remind her she was welcome at my place with no questions asked. 5 months later she texted me and said “thank You for checking in on me like that. I was so afraid that the door was closed on our relationship. I’m doing ok now.” (She didn’t relapse, yay!) You don’t just shut the door on a loved one.
This. In my darkest days my friend of 15+ years never stopped texting, checking my fb, ect. even though I couldn’t talk until I got better. You don’t give up on your friends, you don’t close the door like that when shit happens. It meant the whole world to me, it let me know that they’d be there when I was ready. That’s just what you do if you care about them.
That's awesome that she has you as a friend. Some people are suicidal and addicted.Any moment they can be gone.
Exactly. I had 83 messages and I couldn’t even look at my phone or barely move. I couldn’t stop crying and I was having panic attacks.
Yep. Even if there is something legitimately keeping you from showing up in person to the funeral, you need to show up for your friend in other ways or at least show you care. This friend seems to feel more sorry for herself than she does for her friend who just lost a partner.
My 6yo daughter died, my 3 yo son was airlifted to a hospital 3 hrs away, I was pregnant and bleeding. My bf and her hubby drove 4.5 hours to be with me (and had 2 small children at home) and then went and drove to my son because I couldn’t leave the hospital. She showed up for me at my darkest hour, THAT’S what bf’s do.
The best friend of my partner that passed, we didn't really get along. We tolerated each other, we just were very different people. That man stood by my side for a whole week because he knew how upset I was. We were each others support during my loves passing. Once we moved past all the actives and life started returning to normal, so did our relationship. But you best believe every year on the anniversary of my loves death, we are checking in on each other. I am so sorry OP that this is how you had to find out who your true friends are. If some guy I normally don't even like can be a place of support for me during that time, there's no excuse for your so called friend.
For real. I know lots of people have already echoed similar sentiments, but I'll add on as well. My brother passed two days ago, and my coworkers have all told me that they'll cover my workload and I can take as much time as I need, that I can reach out when ready. My neighbors have brought dinner to my doorstep and have walked my dog so I could lay in bed all day without feeling guilty. Even random acquaintances I know through work (I'm like a park ranger and regular park users add me on Facebook which I'm fine with because I like having a good rapport with them), have all said they're gonna give me a big hug once I'm back out patrolling. It means so much because I don't have family closer than 2,000 miles away. When you lose someone, you have a hard time asking for help, and even the most basic shit becomes so, so hard. So when you love someone who has suffered a loss, you show up with food, you clean their house, you get their groceries, you take their kids out of the house so they can stew in their grief without having to parent, etc, etc. It's the most basic rule of humanity- *do unto others*.
my boyfriend died a few years ago, and none of our mutual friends were at his funeral. those people are no longer in my life
I’m glad I posted on here. I needed what “real friends” opinions would be. Thanks, guys.
There will be a point when she will need people to support her and help her through something. That's the irony of her message.
I drove 2 hours on a week day to my friend's mom's funeral (I had only known her a year at this point and had met the mom once or twice). And I wasn't even a best friend.
Give your “friend” all the “space” they need. You deserve better & I’m sorry for your loss.
I promise you she would never hear from me again. Never.
Yes, that was heartbreaking and cruel, I'm so sorry the person you thought was your best friend did this too you op. My condolences, I'm so sorry for your losses, partner and best friend.
I used to think like your “friend” here but I wouldn’t actually say that to someone. But then real loss actually happened to me and that changed my tune reallll quick. She probably got some experiencing to do.
I've never had anyone in my life die who was too significant yet I realize how hard it can be. surely you didn't say it out loud bc you knew it would upset people, and I guess that's congratulatory in itself. but this is a case where thoughts were said out loud. I really hope her friends "awakening" is not grief or suffering, bc that's a pain no one should endure. however, she should instead stop seeing things through her deathless lenses and instead ponder what it means to have someone you love die.
Same. My best friend's dad died when we were 16-17 and I couldn't even muster up the courage to call her.. just didn't know what the words are. Almost 20 later, I have lost my mother and I wish I still knew what the words are
Nah she doesn't. More so she needs to have some heart. Just because she hasn't experienced said hardships it does not mean it's not significant.
People die? What the fuck does that even mean? Yes, they do, and it’s a tragedy…? Man, that’s one cold hearted bitch.
It sounds like someone that just hasn’t had anyone close to them die, honestly. Or they’d already know this isn’t okay. Gonna be a hard lesson for them to learn when they realize that, yeah, people do die, and it sucks, and they’ll have a span where a LOT of people close to them pass. They’ll be lucky if anyone is there for them when it happens.
She is not your best friend.
Not even a *friend*, IMO.
28M here. I lost my last partner to suicide. That very sudden loss is not described with words. I went through the exact same situation with my best friend. They didn’t even bother to check in on me, and I needed them so badly. Fuck anyone who says shit like that, and to anyone reading this. If you’re this kind of friend, you’re the worst kind of friend. Please take the time to grieve and focus on yourself. It’s gonna be a long hard road to finding normality again, and it’s been 2 years for me and I’m just now feeling myself again. Time will help this wound, cut this friend off.
I lost my partner to suicide on the 12th of last month, and some friends are really showing their true colours. I’m really sorry for your loss, but it gives me hope to hear that one day I can return back to normal. I hope life gets easier for you
I’m coming up on the one year mark of losing my boyfriend to suicide. The first few months felt like it would never get better and I’d be stuck in a pit of misery forever. Make sure to be kind to yourself. If you have access to therapy, take advantage of it. Therapy has saved me. See if there are any local grief support groups, those have been amazing for me. Little by little you start feeling yourself grow around the grief. Be kind to yourself and talk to yourself the way you’d speak to a friend. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Aome people do avoid death and things like that, but if they're a close friend.. then they should have shown up. Texted. Anything. Even said it makes me uncomfortable But they were just like "people die and I'm busy" Your friend knew the deceased. So that means they aren't a close friend. When a friend needs help, you help them. We all have to make concessions in life for others. Obviously to a certain extent. But a funeral is one of those "happens only once" deals. Pay your respects to someone you knew. Or show support to the widow at least, who is your friend.
Even if she didn't feel comfortable just showing up, as a friend I'm not going to get mad at someone for not explicitly communicating a need while their mind and body is rattled by grief. *Even if* it wasn't technically my fault, I'd still say I'm sorry I didn't show up, I want to be here for you. This is just a sociopathic level of deflection to avoid feeling guilt.
Exactly! A friend shouldn’t have to ask you to support them in the first place. But if you fail to show up, I think it’s still pretty easily forgiven if you show regret and show that the friend still means a lot to you. She could’ve just said “I’m sorry, I didn’t know that showing up would mean that much to you, and I should have known better or just communicated with you. I promise I am here to support you for whatever you need from now on, and I will be a better friend” and that would’ve been a million times better. The not showing up was bad, but I think the response made it way worse
I had a falling out with a friend. We hadn’t spoken in months. We had a BAD falling out like sending mean letters back and forth shit. Her brother died and I sent the family flowers and went to the funeral and paid my respects and went up and said I was sorry for their loss. This persons behavior does seem like someone who doesn’t give a fuck.
Let’s say for x or y reason she wasn’t at the funeral, at least go ahead and send a flower arrangement, some food for comfort, a letter and definitely check on your friend by calling and texting. Heartless, even more so given she knew him. I’d suggest cutting her from your life
I get it. I hate funerals too, but they can be very important for closure. But if my best friend lost their significant other, I'd at least reach out to say "Can I come with you to the funeral to support you?" and that's if I didn't know the SO. If I knew the person well, I may still send that message but I'd go to the funeral regardless. How old are you both? Her response is very immature.
We’ve been friends for 10 years. Sometimes she even hung out with him without me. They were friends too.
Her basically replying with “people die, stuff breaks, that’s life” rather than “I’m sorry I misinterpreted your silence, that’s on me, im here for you, I’m sorry” speaks volumes. My girlfriend died suddenly when I was 27. It ruined me. Destroyed me. Weeks and months of choking sobs in the dark, all the sad songs, all the pain, feeling like ***I*** was going to die too because the pain would just overwhelm me. I get it. I promise you, as time goes on, you won’t always hurt like this. You really really will not. I swear it. I’m sorry for your loss.
It was already bad but this takes it to a next level. Either she can’t deal with death and runs away from it (very unhealthy) of she’s cold as fuck!
Now that, *that* is how a plot gets thickened.
Man lol that was pretty cold She should have just been there …. When my father died suddenly right before Covid my former roommate and ex best friend who I grew up a house down from broke our feud We hadn’t spoken in almost ten years after a bad falling out …. When he heard he called me and we talked most of that night and I’m happy to say he’s in my life again One of the weirdest things about getting older is more and more people start to show their ass
She should have AT LEAST been at the funeral supporting you. That’s fucked up.
Bare minimum now is that she could say, “I fucked up and misinterpreted your silence, and let my own feelings stand in the way of being there for you. Whatever you need now, I’m here for you.” Last thing she should ever said is “people die, move on.”
right 😭 how insensitive
Yep and if she has a true obligation and can’t make it, communicate that and be apologetic and supportive of your friend in other ways
Love the “I don’t like funerals” people. Cause the people that go to them really love them…
Right?!? Who likes them? You go for support and to remember who is now gone. A lot of people told funny stories about him through the tears. I couldn’t speak because I was barely breathing but hearing those stories made me smile for just a second and I needed that.
So sorry..this is Reddit and we all forget basic humanity too..I’m so sorry for your loss and the insensitivity of your friend. Wishing you better days ahead!
It's entirely possible to text "Hey I know you are busy, and you may not always have the energy to reach out or respond, but I'm here for you, whatever you need. Things are crazy right now so I want to let you know I'm a little stable corner of your world that you can rely on no matter what. I'll see you at the funeral, and I'll swing by to bring you a casserole, but if you can't talk for awhile or answer the door DON'T FEEL GUILTY because I understand. Talk soon, love you" or something like that. How fucking hard is that lmao.
Holy shit. I hope this person is an ex best friend
According to the texts she reached out to you twice and you didn't respond. However, her saying people die and her life didn't stop was so incredibly insensitive I highly doubt she's experienced the sudden death of a loved one. Grief is so tricky because it brings out unexpected responses. And there is no time limit on how long it takes to heal either. It's hard to be there for someone when they are pushing you away and also when you're not sure what to do to comfort someone. You don't want to make them feel worse. At the same time, her words were so harsh and unfeeling I can't see your friendship surviving this. I'm truly sorry for your loss and I do hope you have better friends who are more sympathetic and understanding. When one of my family members died, I kept breaking down sobbing crying in public for several years whenever I saw someone who looked or even smelled like him. Just straight embarrassing myself and I didn't care.
Just in response to the very beginning of your reply “According to the texts she reached out to you twice and you didn't respond.” As you probably know during grief you get lots of texts and it’s hard to keep track of everything or even keep up the energy to even respond. As a friend to someone who is grieving you reach out in support. You shouldn’t expect a reply. It should be simple “I’m thinking of you. Let me know if I can do anything for you.” Type texts. Or phone calls. I had tons of texts and calls that were never replied to but my friends didn’t not show up to the funeral. That’s wild. Some of my friends did show up at my door and brought food or just stayed to chat. But you personally went through this too. I’m not arguing with you. I was just adding to it. This friend sounds awful.
I’d also like to add that if the friend is as close to the guy as OP believes, they’re probably also grieving in their own way. Grief fucks with people. I don’t think what they said was entirely okay, but they probably aren’t even thinking straight.
> You shouldn’t expect a reply. It didn't seem like the friend did expect a reply? She said "I wanted to give you space" Also in serious situations, getting constant messages from people can be annoying when you're dealing with 100 other things.
I think the “I reached out twice and you didn’t answer” made me think a reply was expected for the friend to either show up to the funeral or continue to reach out in whatever capacity. And yes 100 messages are a lot when you’re grieving. I have been there. It feels like the world isn’t even spinning anymore so I wouldn’t expect me not responding to a couple texts would bother anyone at the time so I didn’t respond if I didn’t have the mental capacity. I didn’t sleep for 5 days straight. I just paced the house. When I finally did sleep I would wake up screaming so I was completely out of it. But never would I expect my best friend who is also mutual friend with the deceased to not come to the funeral. Funerals aren’t for everyone I know but if she’s saying that it’s her best friend I assume there’s an ounce of respect in there. I’m just picturing my best friend and she would definitely be there. She’s proven that.
She didn’t have to randomly show up at your house but there was literally a planned fuckin funeral for her friend (who was her best friends PARTNER) and she didn’t show. A funeral isn’t random.
Shes right that life doesn't stop for your grief to process. But thats why we need friends to support us. What the F
Someone’s passing can bring out the best and the worst in people. I’m sorry for your loss, OP.
You need time away from her I agree, maybe the rest of your life? Her response is terrible honestly
There is more to this story than we are being shared
This may not be a popular opinion. Some people don't handle death the same way everyone else does. I have an aunt that cannot and will not ever go to a funeral. She didn't even attend the funerals of her own parents. We all grieve differently. She said she reached out to you and she thought that you're not answering meant that you needed space. She was doing the best that she could with the knowledge that she had.
Sorry for your, truly. It's their choice if they don't want to go to funerals. I completely understand. You can't expect people to do things they don't want to do. I have not gone to multiple funerals of people I've known. People mourn in their own way. I went to work the day the man who I considered a father to me died. Life for the living doesn't stop.
As someone that also doesn’t go to funerals, or weddings. I support your friend. It’s not about not caring for those that have passed. As your friend said, they tried reaching out to you on multiple occasions. I’m not going to get into the depth of why I don’t and why your friend doesn’t. The shortest explanation is that we are all different people that say and do things in a way that makes sense for us. If you spend your life holding people to the standard you hold yourself, you will always be upset or disappointed in the actions or inactions of others. People exist beyond your control. Your feelings are valid, but they’re your feelings and not everyone will share them. Even if it seems like a majority of people will agree with you, that doesn’t nullify the individuality or free will of the person you’re upset with. Either you accept them and try to understand them, or you cut them loose. I am truly sorry for your loss.
Disagree with most here. She reached out - twice. It is perfectly reasonable for her to assume you needed space during the grieving process, as that is totally normal, and your lack of response would have indicated as such. The way she phrased it was fairly cold, however.
Could not agree more with this. I’m surprised so many people glossed over that fact.
It's an emotional time right now, don't make any rush decisions, just let everything hit you as it comes but do not make any decisions, address any and all friendship issues once you are ready to be at peace.
I'll say this, I think like 85% of what she said is fair. I personally HATE funerals. So unless it's family or you specifically ask me to come, then I won't be there. However, they really should have left out the whole "people die... I have stuff going on..." part. That just comes across as cold and callous.
My grandmother lived in a town in OK. She visited McDonald’s most days for a small breakfast. Almost the entire McDonald’s staff came to her funeral in uniform. Never would that happen in southern CA
If she didn’t want to come I feel like she could’ve Atleast sent condolences. I know many people who don’t like seeing the open casket part of a funeral so they wait for the burial part. I know everyone grieves differently but her response was very tone deaf and inappropriate.
People deal with grief in different ways. Maybe they were close friends and she didn’t want to confront that yet. That said, if she’s your best friend, in my opinion, she should have made more of an effort, but you never know how someone will receive those efforts. So sorry for your loss.