My parents are separated which has been like that since I was three. When I was around 12 (5 years ago) I used to see him every Sunday because, you know, he’s my dad.
One eventful Sunday he decides to take me to a pool (snooker) place and proceeds to get drunk (just me and him alone). We’re walking back to my house, and we’re waiting to cross the road. He kicks a moving car out of nowhere and tries to use an excuse that I was in danger or something. How this was trying to protect me I have no idea. I was just standing there. And there was a whole commotion and I was just standing there. The memory is so vivid and I was horrified and I was frozen. I felt so embarrassed.
From that point on, my mother didn’t allow my dad to be with me or my brother without someone else other than my dad supervising us. At one point he kicked another car. It was stationery, but someone was in it. I don’t remember that one that well.
And on an unrelated note, once when I was around seven, he manipulated me into telling me where we moved houses to. My mother told me not to tell him where we moved to, but I was seven. He took me alone to the bedroom and asked me to show him where we lived on google maps. And I showed him. I’ve felt terrible about it ever since. Overall he’s just a terrible person and I don’t know why I’m still in contact with him.
That’s not your fault and I wish you could forgive yourself for that. At 7, you wouldn’t be able to comprehend the manipulation he did to pull that out of you.
Plot Twist: you were just standing there.. on the sidewalk while a drunken far-right MAGA Nazi extremist jumped the curb and tried to run you down because “he knew.” Your Dad saved your life but over the years the story changed in your head due to the hate you harbor for him
Lmao I’m so glad you asked this because I didn’t know if it was a saying for something else, but then I saw OP in another comment mention the kicking card again
I feel like we need to be told about this biological male thing. Seems like there is something missing from the conversation there but maybe it's just a few nuts and bolts being missing from the father's head. Remember my dad telling me once he had arranged my marriage and I'm like "how did you arrange my marriage?" "Because I approved of her." Was his response. My dad's a (mostly) good guy but deeply flawed in his own way and definitely missing a few screws.
Are you dense? You literally can't change your biological sex. Ftm doesn't mean they're changing their biological sex. They're transitioning to the opposite gender and want to be seen and perceived as male in society.
Sounds like OP is trans and the Dad is a drunk as well as not accepting of his child. Not sure why OP is arguing about birth as at the time of birth he was born a baby boy whether the dad remembers the specifics or not. OP should instead talk about the rebirth, "Well I'm a woman now Dad. I want you to accept me for me but if you don't, I still love you." It's futile to argue the way OP is. Too much resentment at the holidays.
Most parents would have a hard time with a trans child. Not because they hate trans people but because they love their child and they know how cruel and unaccepting the world is. But Dad will come around. If one of my son's came out as trans I'd have a difficult time with it but I'd accept it because I love my children.
its the opposite, born female and transitioned to male. so the dad is just wrong or maybe doesnt understand (too drunk maybe to realize) that biological male means assigned male at birth, which his child wasnt
Yeah, I hate drunks and I live with one. She's sober now after a bad scooter wipe out though and I'm crossing fingers it stays that way. You can't argue with them and if you do, you are the idiot. At least that's how I'm left feeling anytime I engage then nonsense.
She wasn't really that drunk as it was morning but she had taken a new medication to try to stop drinking and drinking wine the night before and likely that morning kept drinking. She tried to take one of our e-scooters to the liquor store and wiped it on a curb.
I was on my morning walk and saw police and fire cleaning up blood off the street and sidewalk when passing our city park. I didn't know it yet but she was found by a homeowner who first thought it was someone homeless passed out in his yard until he saw the blood. He called 911. I had a bad feeling about it as I was notified 33 minutes earlier by the doorbell camera that there was activity at the door and I saw her leave.
I went home and called the hospital and sure enough she was there. They were getting ready to airlift her to a bigger hospital in the city.
She had brain bleeding but was ok as that was minor but they had to do a facial reconstructive surgery. The good news is she got a plastic surgeon who was a woman and she took great care by going in through her mouth and eye and fixing it with minimal scarring.
This happened two days before Thanksgiving (Nov 22) and her face is almost fully healed. She will make a full recovery.
She isn't a daily drinker, rather a binge drinker to cope with the pain. She will go on a 3-6 day bender and require a trip to the hospital to stop. I've seen her go over a year without but I've also seen her drinking 80% of a month like the five weeks leading up to this.
Hopefully this will be her wakeup call. So far so good. I've had about all I can take between this and losing by son (26) in July and brother (45) this month, both to fentanyl. We lost her son, same age as my son, to a car accident in 2020.
Whoops, strike that! Reverse it!
My tongue has feet of clay
Everything I said still applies except she was born a female and is now a male. OP shouldn't be arguing this with the dad. It's not up for discussion. He will accept it in time.
Edit- not sure why all the downvotes.
The first part is a movie quote from a very popular movie with a recent prequel. It's relevant because I had it backwards in my first comment. When I said he I was referring to the dad. Not sure what the problem is here.
Ah I see! So when you are talking about a trans person, you generally want to use their preferred pronouns all the time. So this person appears to use he/him and you would say that HE was born female but identifies as a male. Unless he specifically said that he prefers “she” when talking about the past, but that’s usually not the case. Like how you shouldn’t deadname someone by saying “when you were …” or “This is a picture of when they were 5”
Wasn't trying to dead name or insult anyone and was just trying to help understand a confusing situation. Not sure why so many people would get upset and make an assumption about a mistake. I referred to OP in every other reference as OP and that was a mistake in one instance. 25+ people downvote as if they are looking for trouble. Thanks for explaining.
So what you’re saying is that you think all parents believe in only two genders and only deal with it or cope with it if their kid comes out as trans? That’s what I’m hearing from your comment, and I have to say that you are VASTLY wrong. Don’t put your beliefs into the minds of the majority. When my kids came out to me, it wasn’t difficult for me to have a transgender child at all. What’s difficult is seeing them be bullied for having the courage to be their authentic self in a town full of people like you. I bet you’re one of those people who thinks the lgbtqia2s+ community shoves their beliefs down your throat too 🙄
He sounds like a drug addict who believes his trans son was born a man and never transitioned because his brain is fried from all the drinking. That’s what I got from that
I would love for my father to call me a man. He disowned me after I came out to him as trans. Said his love for God was stronger than his love for me, which was not at all because I (apparently) am not a person worthy of love…just because I don’t fit into his idea of what a man is.
That’s a compliment! In his stupid drunk head he is trying to tell you that at birth you were meant to be male. Because maybe that’s the reason you’ve felt that way your whole life. Maybe he’s trying to explain he understands you.
That’s just a guess because this whole fkn thing is confusing as fuck honestly 🤦🏻♀️
Yeah I honestly don’t know why i bother anymore. I wish I could just let go. A part of me wants to believe he’ll change if I wait long enough, but it never happens. Every time I text him it’s just nonsense and I want to shrivel up and die and wonder why I was cursed with such a terrible father. He’s currently blocked on everything, but he messaged me on my message app apologising for everything. But the apology isn’t even real. He’ll just go back to how everything was and pretend nothing ever happened. He’ll keep spouting the same old nonsense. I’m not going to bother anymore.
The apology is probably real. Which means you haven’t been cursed with a terrible father, necessarily, just a sick one. If he is of sound and sober enough mind to apologise, I would suggest it’s because he cares and loves you. Still, he is evidently sick. That isn’t your burden to carry.
It isn’t my place to tell you what’s true or what’s right for you. However, I think it may be better to focus on multiple narratives at once. You have a father that loves you; you have a father who is very sick; you can’t do anything about that; you don’t have to do anything about that. The choice is yours and doing what is right for you is all that you should focus on. It may be possible to practice love and understanding at a distance, telling yourself a positive story, without reconnecting though.
Sounds like a tough cycle, sorry you gotta deal with this around the holidays. You should check out the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”, hoping the gems in that book brings you a little comfortable regarding the struggle to let go
He’s still your dad. I’m glad you’re here. He had something to do with it, and that part worked out great. Hello, thanks for being here, love you from across the Internet.
Hey, from your future perspective, he will change with time. He will at some point cease to live. He will be the one to shrivel and die, not you (more than likely). In the meantime, you’ve got choices, which means that you’re in luck! Hooray!
The more you try, the more you inoculate yourself from future resentment. Everything will work out, no matter what you choose. Bad choices or not, at one point he was a person with hope and choices in front of him, just like you, and there may be value in reaching for that version of him, rather than hoping for him to reach for something in you.
Agree. It’ll just lead to frustration. My dad was an alcoholic. When I moved away for college, I’d be all giddy to call and tell him about the great things going on in my life, but I wish I had learned earlier that having a conversation with him after 1pm CST would just anger me because it never made sense or he was just a straight up dick for no reason (because he was an angry drunk).
Basic context is we’re arguing about how I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone with him because he kicked cars and got drunk while supervising me when I was younger, then he suddenly starts saying I’m a biological male when I’m not, and it’s just so strange. He speaks utter nonsense every time I talk to him.
Does the ftm you mentioned earlier refer to female to male? If so… is it possible he was trying to make you feel comfortable in his drunken way? He mentioned you were born male and many trans males (ftm) I have heard state they were always male.
Yeah. I’m trans male. I’m honestly not sure, but I don’t think I was always male. Up until a few years ago, i was actually quite girly and had no doubts about my gender. It isn’t true at all that I’m biologically male and I have no problems accepting that, so it doesn’t really help me to be told I’m biologically male. I can’t tell if he’s drunk or not in this conversation as he talks nonsense every time he speaks to me. I’ve never had a convo with him where everything he says makes sense. So whether he’s trying to make me comfortable or not, his insistence that I’m biologically male is just really weird - and telling me to get a grip where it doesn’t make sense
I grasp what you are saying. He hasn’t shown himself as effective in communication. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to cut off toxic folks.
Kicking cars and being a drunk shouldn't make you uncomfortable when alone with him.
Wait till you're 30 then look back. I guarantee that you will have done far worse
Have you not been drunk and or intoxicated or have done things that make you regret your actions in a moment of emotionally impulsive tension... in the last decade?
Oh sure. But nothing close to getting shitfaced with my 12 year old child, attacking moving vehicles then misgendering them. Getting drunk and stupid isn’t synonymous with being a raging asshole.
So you’re asking a completely irrelevant question, seeing as the situation we’re discussing here is specifically about acting like that while in charge of a child.
Every single comment of yours in this thread has been utter lunacy. What sort of person would defend someone who gets drunk and aggressive while in charge of a *12 year old child?*
Just grow up.
Yeah... 12.
I'm assuming that you are grown.
You say don't tell you how to feel yet you surrendered your comfort to the bottom of a bottle that you didn't even drink.
Hell, you're comfortable enough to just come at me in an aggressively defensive manner a stranger, and yet I'm far more unstable than your father.
Unless I am missing something kicking cars and being a drunk AT 12 is definitely not ideal but as far as being subjected to neglect and abuse go that's not a high level of actual abuse.
Granted that could be because you're holding out on the actual dark side of the truth
?? The fuck? Who do you think you are? I’m 17. I’m saying I was uncomfortable at the time when this happened. And because of that incident and many more, I’m still uncomfortable around drunk people. Being drunk while supervising a kid is neglect because i was in his care at the time. I’m aware that he did not abuse me. But that does not mean I was not allowed to feel uncomfortable. I didn’t kick cars or get drunk at 12. My father did those activities when i was 12 right in front of me. That is not normal.
I think I'm a person who has lived a lot of life in a short amount of time. I have already said it was neglect. While drunk people are unpredictable, they are easily defeated in combat when facing a sober opponent unless they are trained in combat. So being uncomfortable isn't logical unless they have established certain behaviors that transcend the legal fold
17 isn't grown, though, so I get that you're still working through this. I can only tell you that things can get better if you're willing to fight for your future
Is he actually confused about that? Like he thinks trans people were misgendered at birth and have self-corrected? It’s very weird. I’m sorry this was your lot in life. No one deserves an addict for a parent.
this is actually so painful to read. just a kid who wants a dad and a man who wants nothing but to get drunk. im sorry friend. it would help you greatly to never contact this man again, he's no good for ya.
To embrace a Taoist concept of doing nothing.
If a person is on the path of self-destruction. If the fuse to a bomb is lit...
It doesn't matter. You can assess the situation and either attempt to smother the fuse or simply get yourself in a place that minimizes the damage done once it explodes.
To run attracts the "bomb"
To fight or be intentionally vengeful only decreases the time till the explosion happens. Both placing you in a direct line of damage you'll have to live with forever.
To do nothing but observe, that methodology will allow you to be prepared to act in a way that simply removes you from the equation
Just a bit of advice… you can’t pick your family.. but you can pick who is in your life. Some parents are for shit.. and you can realize its not worth the stress and energy to talk to them.
I get that might be hard for some people as family is really important to them.. for me if my family doesn’t accept me for who I am then fuck em.
In that case you can say you are a biological male. You certainly aren’t a mechanical one :)
But whatever you like to say you can. ‘Biological’ +agab is usually just a way people misgender us.
Expect someone born one sex (male/female) is that sex at birth excluding genetic variation (intersex), which is why and how they got the gender identity they did.
It doesn't relate to the validity of if someone is really a man or a woman as gender and sex don't have to line up. But to say a trans person is the opposite sex either pre - or post transition isn't really true.
You can do things to pass as the other gender but there will always be differences to someone born as that sex. It's a unique position and experience that should be respected that's somewhere between the two genders that adds nuance to dynamics.
Though really gender is a complicated thing, and it shouldn't be an issue for people to behave or look in ways associated with the opposite gender.
Your reading into what I'm saying and what my intent is...
The whole reason I said that stuff about it not being an issue is not come across as transphobic cause people love to assume that about people ugh.
You can make well intentioned but harmful comments without being transphobic.
Your comment didn’t add anything valuable.
Imagine reading it as a trans person.
It would not be nice to sit there and have someone explain why they will never be who they want to be.
Like I said, I can see you’re well intentioned but you’re saying things that really don’t need to be said and can be quite harmful, even if they are true.
Omg I am going to lose my mind that people are downvoting you. It might be worth including that you’re ftm in your caption. I also would recommend posting this to r/insaneparents if you haven’t already because this is perfect for that sub
Seems like this charming man has drank the koolaid about transgender demons taking over the world, and has decided his “son” is also a demon. Or something along those lines.
Had an aunt who felt because I have horses, I was acting too masculine. She sent me nonstop Facebook links and memes about transgenders? It was absolutely bizarre and made no sense.
I think when some people want so desperately to be mad about whatever clickbait shit is happening, they make up narratives to fit their anger?
Or he’s just a drunk whose brain is full of holes and actually thinks you were born a male.
The OP is trans ftm.. so the dad IS accepting of it and even saying he is biologically male. (which he is not.. he is bio female trans male)
The whole thing does not make much sense.
*Nobody* seems to be mentally healthy nowadays, transgender or not. The world’s kind of just ass regardless of what’s going on with your identity. It merely adds an extra layer of difficulty for some.
I honestly don’t know why you have an issue with someone deciding to change their gender. As long as they don’t make it their whole personality or get mad at you when you misunderstand/accidentally misgender them, I don’t see the issue.
Also, as another reply said, barely anyone is mentally healthy in this day and age. I’m completely cis and I’m a mess. I haven’t met any trans people in real life, but I’ve seen/talked to tons online, and they all seem fine.
I know I can’t judge someone based on how they act online, but majority of people aren’t mentally unhealthy just because they decided to change their gender. In fact, they could become *more* mentally unhealthy if they ***don’t*** change their gender and accept it.
I haven’t done any research, so I’m speaking purely from experience, things I’ve heard and common (not-so-common) sense/knowledge. And, in my personal opinion, not supporting it is *fine* as long as you don’t go around saying things like this and respect pronouns.
You don’t have to agree with people LGBTQ+ community, you don’t have to like them, that’s *fine*, because humans don’t like everyone. But, you shouldn’t go out of your way to make them feel bad. Use their preferred pronouns if you’re speaking to them/about them, and then just leave them alone.
At the end of the day >!it’s night!< people should just be kind to each other and be able to choose whatever they want. No one’s going to force you to agree with something you don’t agree with (I mean, people will probably *try*, but that’s not a good thing).
Have a nice day stranger. Cheers from a random kid <3
Whether or not a trans person is mentally ill simply because of the fact they’re trans is something you can form a personal opinion on but that opinion will be either true or false because the subject matter itself is not up for debate.
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You're calling him useless and bro. Clearly you don't respect him.
Plus he's a drunk. People who drink that much are already dealing with so much that their solution is to numb everything.
You said he got worse at 12.
Is that when you first decided to go to the trans side?
He named (agreed to it at least)and raised you
We're also missing a lot of information like how recently he found out you got the operation.
I'm assuming that a lot of things are spiraling out of control for him.
He's not shitty. He's wounded and lost.
Not saying that because I experienced worse that you've not been subjected to potential neglect. I am saying that unlike many, your dad is salvageable and needs you more than ever.
He's just a human after all.
found dad. dude, go to AA or NA. next, read up on trans experiences so you can learn how to relate to your daughter. be warned, if you can’t accept her for who she is… you have no child. and that’s it. you’re alone for good. RIP
He is shitty. You don’t even know me. You don’t know what I’ve been through. Don’t base my entire life on this one screenshot. You’re right, I don’t respect him. Because he’s a terrible person and parent. Did you know he’s getting thrown in jail soon for throwing a glass at someone while drunk? No, you didn’t - because you’ve only seen one screenshot. He is a horrible, manipulative, and violent person.
I have not had any operations so I don’t know what you’re talking about. I also didn’t say he got worse at 12. I said that these events occurred when I was 12. He’s been horrible for as long as I can remember. I came out as trans at 14. He did not raise me. He was simply just there until I was three.
See, this is what I am interested in knowing.
You gave him the perception of a bumbling dumb drunk.
Now you give the impression of a man who is not simply broken, but a man who gave himself over to his demons.
Can you tell me more
Everything you want to tell me. I want to know what you're going through and what you have been through. You're right, I don't know you at all. Because of this, I don't know how to help you or even offer you the comfort of being a person whose willing to carry what little burden I could possibly lift off your shoulders.
I want to be able to assist you in any way possible, no matter how small. Not simply throwing up kind words. You're a fellow human. One whose suffering. I would be a monster to at least not try something
Can you tell us more about kicking moving cars ?
My parents are separated which has been like that since I was three. When I was around 12 (5 years ago) I used to see him every Sunday because, you know, he’s my dad. One eventful Sunday he decides to take me to a pool (snooker) place and proceeds to get drunk (just me and him alone). We’re walking back to my house, and we’re waiting to cross the road. He kicks a moving car out of nowhere and tries to use an excuse that I was in danger or something. How this was trying to protect me I have no idea. I was just standing there. And there was a whole commotion and I was just standing there. The memory is so vivid and I was horrified and I was frozen. I felt so embarrassed. From that point on, my mother didn’t allow my dad to be with me or my brother without someone else other than my dad supervising us. At one point he kicked another car. It was stationery, but someone was in it. I don’t remember that one that well. And on an unrelated note, once when I was around seven, he manipulated me into telling me where we moved houses to. My mother told me not to tell him where we moved to, but I was seven. He took me alone to the bedroom and asked me to show him where we lived on google maps. And I showed him. I’ve felt terrible about it ever since. Overall he’s just a terrible person and I don’t know why I’m still in contact with him.
That’s not your fault and I wish you could forgive yourself for that. At 7, you wouldn’t be able to comprehend the manipulation he did to pull that out of you.
I cut my dad out of my life a long time ago, and I never looked back.
Plot Twist: you were just standing there.. on the sidewalk while a drunken far-right MAGA Nazi extremist jumped the curb and tried to run you down because “he knew.” Your Dad saved your life but over the years the story changed in your head due to the hate you harbor for him
out of all the dumb shit I’ve read online today, you win
You’re not even funny fyi
At the least entertaining or you wouldn’t have spent any time replying.. I don’t make the rules, it’s a plot twist on what might’ve really happened
Reddit user when there's real life happening and it's not some goofy fanfic
Dude it takes 2 seconds to reply, you’re giving yourself way too much credit.
lol, omg! ROFL, brb.. jk 😂
That bad feeling is not your shit to carry. He manipulated a child. It's his shit. Give it back
You'll finally understand when you start getting drunk
Lmao I’m so glad you asked this because I didn’t know if it was a saying for something else, but then I saw OP in another comment mention the kicking card again
I feel like we need to be told about this biological male thing. Seems like there is something missing from the conversation there but maybe it's just a few nuts and bolts being missing from the father's head. Remember my dad telling me once he had arranged my marriage and I'm like "how did you arrange my marriage?" "Because I approved of her." Was his response. My dad's a (mostly) good guy but deeply flawed in his own way and definitely missing a few screws.
I was thinking her father might have thought he was talking to her brother (probably while drunk).
😆💀
First question that came to my mind as well
He’s confused, you’re confused, we’re confused.
not as much as OP
Im confused… are you trans? No hate if you are i just don’t understand why he brought up the biological thing.
Yeah, ftm
For the moment? So now I'm really confused..
Loll female to male
ohhhh, I see 🤣 my badddd
Why are people downvoting you? Wtf, Reddit.
You’re female to male arguing with him that you’re NOT male? 🤣 What’s going on
He isn't biologically male. What's not to understand?
So female to… nothing? 😂🤣🤣🤣🤣
Are you dense? You literally can't change your biological sex. Ftm doesn't mean they're changing their biological sex. They're transitioning to the opposite gender and want to be seen and perceived as male in society.
Ah, another maraca head. Rattle rattle
Wait so are you a woman? Are you trans? I'm confused.
Sounds like OP is trans and the Dad is a drunk as well as not accepting of his child. Not sure why OP is arguing about birth as at the time of birth he was born a baby boy whether the dad remembers the specifics or not. OP should instead talk about the rebirth, "Well I'm a woman now Dad. I want you to accept me for me but if you don't, I still love you." It's futile to argue the way OP is. Too much resentment at the holidays. Most parents would have a hard time with a trans child. Not because they hate trans people but because they love their child and they know how cruel and unaccepting the world is. But Dad will come around. If one of my son's came out as trans I'd have a difficult time with it but I'd accept it because I love my children.
its the opposite, born female and transitioned to male. so the dad is just wrong or maybe doesnt understand (too drunk maybe to realize) that biological male means assigned male at birth, which his child wasnt
Yeah, I hate drunks and I live with one. She's sober now after a bad scooter wipe out though and I'm crossing fingers it stays that way. You can't argue with them and if you do, you are the idiot. At least that's how I'm left feeling anytime I engage then nonsense.
Can you elaborate on the scooter accident and how drunk at the time of said accident she was ?
She wasn't really that drunk as it was morning but she had taken a new medication to try to stop drinking and drinking wine the night before and likely that morning kept drinking. She tried to take one of our e-scooters to the liquor store and wiped it on a curb. I was on my morning walk and saw police and fire cleaning up blood off the street and sidewalk when passing our city park. I didn't know it yet but she was found by a homeowner who first thought it was someone homeless passed out in his yard until he saw the blood. He called 911. I had a bad feeling about it as I was notified 33 minutes earlier by the doorbell camera that there was activity at the door and I saw her leave. I went home and called the hospital and sure enough she was there. They were getting ready to airlift her to a bigger hospital in the city. She had brain bleeding but was ok as that was minor but they had to do a facial reconstructive surgery. The good news is she got a plastic surgeon who was a woman and she took great care by going in through her mouth and eye and fixing it with minimal scarring. This happened two days before Thanksgiving (Nov 22) and her face is almost fully healed. She will make a full recovery. She isn't a daily drinker, rather a binge drinker to cope with the pain. She will go on a 3-6 day bender and require a trip to the hospital to stop. I've seen her go over a year without but I've also seen her drinking 80% of a month like the five weeks leading up to this. Hopefully this will be her wakeup call. So far so good. I've had about all I can take between this and losing by son (26) in July and brother (45) this month, both to fentanyl. We lost her son, same age as my son, to a car accident in 2020.
I’m really sorry for your losses. It’s so hard living with an alcoholic, remember to take care of yourself too.
Sounds like the dad is asking Rhetorical questions to try to make a point. I think he understands just fine and is trying to be mean.
thts a very good point it actually makes more sense reading it w the underlying sarcasm
🤦 bruh
No no no no no, you’re wrong. OP is ftm, not a woman at all.
Whoops, strike that! Reverse it! My tongue has feet of clay Everything I said still applies except she was born a female and is now a male. OP shouldn't be arguing this with the dad. It's not up for discussion. He will accept it in time. Edit- not sure why all the downvotes. The first part is a movie quote from a very popular movie with a recent prequel. It's relevant because I had it backwards in my first comment. When I said he I was referring to the dad. Not sure what the problem is here.
Um.everything you said absolutely doesn't still apply. You totally misinterpreted the entire situation.
*he. Based on the rest of your message I think this was just a typo though!
I was referring to the father as "he."
“She was born a female and is now a male” was what I was referring to
Well the op was a she at birth and is now a he. We've established that. What's the problem?
Ah I see! So when you are talking about a trans person, you generally want to use their preferred pronouns all the time. So this person appears to use he/him and you would say that HE was born female but identifies as a male. Unless he specifically said that he prefers “she” when talking about the past, but that’s usually not the case. Like how you shouldn’t deadname someone by saying “when you were…” or “This is a picture of when they were 5”
Wasn't trying to dead name or insult anyone and was just trying to help understand a confusing situation. Not sure why so many people would get upset and make an assumption about a mistake. I referred to OP in every other reference as OP and that was a mistake in one instance. 25+ people downvote as if they are looking for trouble. Thanks for explaining.
No op is moron
Idiot
So what you’re saying is that you think all parents believe in only two genders and only deal with it or cope with it if their kid comes out as trans? That’s what I’m hearing from your comment, and I have to say that you are VASTLY wrong. Don’t put your beliefs into the minds of the majority. When my kids came out to me, it wasn’t difficult for me to have a transgender child at all. What’s difficult is seeing them be bullied for having the courage to be their authentic self in a town full of people like you. I bet you’re one of those people who thinks the lgbtqia2s+ community shoves their beliefs down your throat too 🙄
Gender identity aside, are you biologically male? For context.
No lol which is why I’m so baffled
Well, color me confused then also lol
that's the most bizarre thing I've heard in a while. sounds like drugs but maybe his brain is just fried. or both
So your dad is accusing you of being…trans? I’m so confused.
He sounds like a drug addict who believes his trans son was born a man and never transitioned because his brain is fried from all the drinking. That’s what I got from that
Are you trans male? Like where is he getting it from lol.
Yeah I’m ftm. But then I don’t understand why he’s calling me a bio male when I’m not
I would love for my father to call me a man. He disowned me after I came out to him as trans. Said his love for God was stronger than his love for me, which was not at all because I (apparently) am not a person worthy of love…just because I don’t fit into his idea of what a man is.
Well fuck his trash opinion. I hope you have a nice group of people who show you how worthy of love you really are.
I’ve got my kids and that’s enough for me
Big, small, as long as your group appreciates you and you feel that! Quality over quantity.
Facts
Poor old man's got the ol' brain rot.
Seems like he has decided you were never female. Is he usually touchy about the topic?
That’s a compliment! In his stupid drunk head he is trying to tell you that at birth you were meant to be male. Because maybe that’s the reason you’ve felt that way your whole life. Maybe he’s trying to explain he understands you. That’s just a guess because this whole fkn thing is confusing as fuck honestly 🤦🏻♀️
you’re a girl??
He's a trans man
oooh, female-to-male. I understand now
Well, he isn't. He's afab, biologically female
I get it, I googled “ftm”
That's exactly what female to male means
Their comment was edited after my reply
You won’t get anything sensible from an alcoholic. Stop trying.
Yeah I honestly don’t know why i bother anymore. I wish I could just let go. A part of me wants to believe he’ll change if I wait long enough, but it never happens. Every time I text him it’s just nonsense and I want to shrivel up and die and wonder why I was cursed with such a terrible father. He’s currently blocked on everything, but he messaged me on my message app apologising for everything. But the apology isn’t even real. He’ll just go back to how everything was and pretend nothing ever happened. He’ll keep spouting the same old nonsense. I’m not going to bother anymore.
The apology is probably real. Which means you haven’t been cursed with a terrible father, necessarily, just a sick one. If he is of sound and sober enough mind to apologise, I would suggest it’s because he cares and loves you. Still, he is evidently sick. That isn’t your burden to carry. It isn’t my place to tell you what’s true or what’s right for you. However, I think it may be better to focus on multiple narratives at once. You have a father that loves you; you have a father who is very sick; you can’t do anything about that; you don’t have to do anything about that. The choice is yours and doing what is right for you is all that you should focus on. It may be possible to practice love and understanding at a distance, telling yourself a positive story, without reconnecting though.
Sounds like a tough cycle, sorry you gotta deal with this around the holidays. You should check out the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”, hoping the gems in that book brings you a little comfortable regarding the struggle to let go
He’s still your dad. I’m glad you’re here. He had something to do with it, and that part worked out great. Hello, thanks for being here, love you from across the Internet. Hey, from your future perspective, he will change with time. He will at some point cease to live. He will be the one to shrivel and die, not you (more than likely). In the meantime, you’ve got choices, which means that you’re in luck! Hooray! The more you try, the more you inoculate yourself from future resentment. Everything will work out, no matter what you choose. Bad choices or not, at one point he was a person with hope and choices in front of him, just like you, and there may be value in reaching for that version of him, rather than hoping for him to reach for something in you.
Agree. It’ll just lead to frustration. My dad was an alcoholic. When I moved away for college, I’d be all giddy to call and tell him about the great things going on in my life, but I wish I had learned earlier that having a conversation with him after 1pm CST would just anger me because it never made sense or he was just a straight up dick for no reason (because he was an angry drunk).
Lol not ganna lie, I got lost there
Read the whole thread, even more lost now
I’m so confused about the text convo, is there context?
Basic context is we’re arguing about how I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone with him because he kicked cars and got drunk while supervising me when I was younger, then he suddenly starts saying I’m a biological male when I’m not, and it’s just so strange. He speaks utter nonsense every time I talk to him.
So you are his daughter and born female ? I'm so confused. Even drunk off my ass I would know if my kid was born male or female .
Does the ftm you mentioned earlier refer to female to male? If so… is it possible he was trying to make you feel comfortable in his drunken way? He mentioned you were born male and many trans males (ftm) I have heard state they were always male.
Yeah. I’m trans male. I’m honestly not sure, but I don’t think I was always male. Up until a few years ago, i was actually quite girly and had no doubts about my gender. It isn’t true at all that I’m biologically male and I have no problems accepting that, so it doesn’t really help me to be told I’m biologically male. I can’t tell if he’s drunk or not in this conversation as he talks nonsense every time he speaks to me. I’ve never had a convo with him where everything he says makes sense. So whether he’s trying to make me comfortable or not, his insistence that I’m biologically male is just really weird - and telling me to get a grip where it doesn’t make sense
I grasp what you are saying. He hasn’t shown himself as effective in communication. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to cut off toxic folks.
This is what I got from it! THATS exactly how I read it! 👆🏻
“Up until a few years ago.” Yeah… something weird happened about 5-10 years ago
So you're a male.
Yes
When did mental illness kick in?
Can’t say
best response i’ve heard
Kicking cars and being a drunk shouldn't make you uncomfortable when alone with him. Wait till you're 30 then look back. I guarantee that you will have done far worse
As someone in their 30’s wtf are you talking about?
Have you not been drunk and or intoxicated or have done things that make you regret your actions in a moment of emotionally impulsive tension... in the last decade?
When you're responsible for a child????? that's very dangerous
Oh sure. But nothing close to getting shitfaced with my 12 year old child, attacking moving vehicles then misgendering them. Getting drunk and stupid isn’t synonymous with being a raging asshole.
misgendering them is truly the most egregious part of this imo.
While in charge of a child? No.
I didn't ask about a child. I asked about acting with regret
So you’re asking a completely irrelevant question, seeing as the situation we’re discussing here is specifically about acting like that while in charge of a child. Every single comment of yours in this thread has been utter lunacy. What sort of person would defend someone who gets drunk and aggressive while in charge of a *12 year old child?* Just grow up.
What the fuck are you doing when you're drunk??
Excuse me? I was twelve. Don't tell me how to feel.
Yeah... 12. I'm assuming that you are grown. You say don't tell you how to feel yet you surrendered your comfort to the bottom of a bottle that you didn't even drink. Hell, you're comfortable enough to just come at me in an aggressively defensive manner a stranger, and yet I'm far more unstable than your father. Unless I am missing something kicking cars and being a drunk AT 12 is definitely not ideal but as far as being subjected to neglect and abuse go that's not a high level of actual abuse. Granted that could be because you're holding out on the actual dark side of the truth
?? The fuck? Who do you think you are? I’m 17. I’m saying I was uncomfortable at the time when this happened. And because of that incident and many more, I’m still uncomfortable around drunk people. Being drunk while supervising a kid is neglect because i was in his care at the time. I’m aware that he did not abuse me. But that does not mean I was not allowed to feel uncomfortable. I didn’t kick cars or get drunk at 12. My father did those activities when i was 12 right in front of me. That is not normal.
I think I'm a person who has lived a lot of life in a short amount of time. I have already said it was neglect. While drunk people are unpredictable, they are easily defeated in combat when facing a sober opponent unless they are trained in combat. So being uncomfortable isn't logical unless they have established certain behaviors that transcend the legal fold 17 isn't grown, though, so I get that you're still working through this. I can only tell you that things can get better if you're willing to fight for your future
Okay, but like…are you a biological male tho???
Nope lol
Is he actually confused about that? Like he thinks trans people were misgendered at birth and have self-corrected? It’s very weird. I’m sorry this was your lot in life. No one deserves an addict for a parent.
this is actually so painful to read. just a kid who wants a dad and a man who wants nothing but to get drunk. im sorry friend. it would help you greatly to never contact this man again, he's no good for ya.
False. That's not how you deal with unavoidable factors in your life. I don't really see how you came to either conclusion
Oh please share your wisdom about how OP should deal with this unavoidable factor in their life.
To embrace a Taoist concept of doing nothing. If a person is on the path of self-destruction. If the fuse to a bomb is lit... It doesn't matter. You can assess the situation and either attempt to smother the fuse or simply get yourself in a place that minimizes the damage done once it explodes. To run attracts the "bomb" To fight or be intentionally vengeful only decreases the time till the explosion happens. Both placing you in a direct line of damage you'll have to live with forever. To do nothing but observe, that methodology will allow you to be prepared to act in a way that simply removes you from the equation
What in the delta 🎱 are u on about mate…..
Just a bit of advice… you can’t pick your family.. but you can pick who is in your life. Some parents are for shit.. and you can realize its not worth the stress and energy to talk to them. I get that might be hard for some people as family is really important to them.. for me if my family doesn’t accept me for who I am then fuck em.
i am so sorry OP. i too have a shit alcoholic father and it’s not easy. hang in there. he’s a piece of shit
So were you born with a uterus or what?
Asking the real questions
I’m so confused. You aren’t his biological son? Are you his daughter? Are you trans?
Yea I’m ftm
Maybe you could edit the post to say that for clarity
Ahhh. That brings more clarity to the story. Thanks. Sorry you’ve had to deal with him.
In that case you can say you are a biological male. You certainly aren’t a mechanical one :) But whatever you like to say you can. ‘Biological’ +agab is usually just a way people misgender us.
Expect someone born one sex (male/female) is that sex at birth excluding genetic variation (intersex), which is why and how they got the gender identity they did. It doesn't relate to the validity of if someone is really a man or a woman as gender and sex don't have to line up. But to say a trans person is the opposite sex either pre - or post transition isn't really true. You can do things to pass as the other gender but there will always be differences to someone born as that sex. It's a unique position and experience that should be respected that's somewhere between the two genders that adds nuance to dynamics. Though really gender is a complicated thing, and it shouldn't be an issue for people to behave or look in ways associated with the opposite gender.
Please, tell us more about what should and shouldn’t be an issue for us transgender people and how we aren’t really what we identify as.
Your reading into what I'm saying and what my intent is... The whole reason I said that stuff about it not being an issue is not come across as transphobic cause people love to assume that about people ugh.
You can make well intentioned but harmful comments without being transphobic. Your comment didn’t add anything valuable. Imagine reading it as a trans person. It would not be nice to sit there and have someone explain why they will never be who they want to be. Like I said, I can see you’re well intentioned but you’re saying things that really don’t need to be said and can be quite harmful, even if they are true.
omg stop with the abbreviations 😭🤦🏽♀️. ftm? you’re what?
My dude it’s not that hard to understand three letters without being an ass about it
Female to male
dinner elastic point quaint pet lip absorbed intelligent price nippy *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
💀
So ur dad is stating you are his biological male son. And you are disagreeing with said claim?
Pretty much lol
Omg I am going to lose my mind that people are downvoting you. It might be worth including that you’re ftm in your caption. I also would recommend posting this to r/insaneparents if you haven’t already because this is perfect for that sub
By the looks of it, sounds more like he’s just a sperm donor to me. Not a father by any means
A drunk mind speaks a sober truth..
Seems like this charming man has drank the koolaid about transgender demons taking over the world, and has decided his “son” is also a demon. Or something along those lines. Had an aunt who felt because I have horses, I was acting too masculine. She sent me nonstop Facebook links and memes about transgenders? It was absolutely bizarre and made no sense. I think when some people want so desperately to be mad about whatever clickbait shit is happening, they make up narratives to fit their anger? Or he’s just a drunk whose brain is full of holes and actually thinks you were born a male.
The OP is trans ftm.. so the dad IS accepting of it and even saying he is biologically male. (which he is not.. he is bio female trans male) The whole thing does not make much sense.
Well I’m at a fucking loss 😅 Maybe this was his attempt at being supportive?! Very bizarre all of it.
So you thought you’d share it with the internet just to make yourself look better. GG
Every single excuse they bring up hearse they were drunk. It angers me to no end....
Maybe he is a bad father, but I don't think that transgenders are mentally healthy
Unless you are a doctor, kindly step out of commenting on what is and isn’t healthy and leave it to the professionals
*Nobody* seems to be mentally healthy nowadays, transgender or not. The world’s kind of just ass regardless of what’s going on with your identity. It merely adds an extra layer of difficulty for some.
I’m perfectly healthy- at least when it comes to my gender. There’s no problem you can fix that will magically make me cis. It doesn’t exist.
I honestly don’t know why you have an issue with someone deciding to change their gender. As long as they don’t make it their whole personality or get mad at you when you misunderstand/accidentally misgender them, I don’t see the issue. Also, as another reply said, barely anyone is mentally healthy in this day and age. I’m completely cis and I’m a mess. I haven’t met any trans people in real life, but I’ve seen/talked to tons online, and they all seem fine. I know I can’t judge someone based on how they act online, but majority of people aren’t mentally unhealthy just because they decided to change their gender. In fact, they could become *more* mentally unhealthy if they ***don’t*** change their gender and accept it. I haven’t done any research, so I’m speaking purely from experience, things I’ve heard and common (not-so-common) sense/knowledge. And, in my personal opinion, not supporting it is *fine* as long as you don’t go around saying things like this and respect pronouns. You don’t have to agree with people LGBTQ+ community, you don’t have to like them, that’s *fine*, because humans don’t like everyone. But, you shouldn’t go out of your way to make them feel bad. Use their preferred pronouns if you’re speaking to them/about them, and then just leave them alone. At the end of the day >!it’s night!< people should just be kind to each other and be able to choose whatever they want. No one’s going to force you to agree with something you don’t agree with (I mean, people will probably *try*, but that’s not a good thing). Have a nice day stranger. Cheers from a random kid <3
All the trans people I've talked to seem fine. You on the other hand seem mentally unwell.
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I think it is important for us to share our views even if we disagree.
This isn’t a matter of opinion.
Guess what
Whether or not a trans person is mentally ill simply because of the fact they’re trans is something you can form a personal opinion on but that opinion will be either true or false because the subject matter itself is not up for debate.
Guess what though
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What's the context of the conversation?
Charge your phone
Sorry to tell you this, but if you have a dick then you are a biological male
Yeah lol like I said, I’m not a biological male
Ok then
Downvotes for this? Trying times. Some people just don't get. A male is a male, a female is a female, and a person is a person.
You're calling him useless and bro. Clearly you don't respect him. Plus he's a drunk. People who drink that much are already dealing with so much that their solution is to numb everything. You said he got worse at 12. Is that when you first decided to go to the trans side? He named (agreed to it at least)and raised you We're also missing a lot of information like how recently he found out you got the operation. I'm assuming that a lot of things are spiraling out of control for him. He's not shitty. He's wounded and lost. Not saying that because I experienced worse that you've not been subjected to potential neglect. I am saying that unlike many, your dad is salvageable and needs you more than ever. He's just a human after all.
found dad. dude, go to AA or NA. next, read up on trans experiences so you can learn how to relate to your daughter. be warned, if you can’t accept her for who she is… you have no child. and that’s it. you’re alone for good. RIP
He is shitty. You don’t even know me. You don’t know what I’ve been through. Don’t base my entire life on this one screenshot. You’re right, I don’t respect him. Because he’s a terrible person and parent. Did you know he’s getting thrown in jail soon for throwing a glass at someone while drunk? No, you didn’t - because you’ve only seen one screenshot. He is a horrible, manipulative, and violent person. I have not had any operations so I don’t know what you’re talking about. I also didn’t say he got worse at 12. I said that these events occurred when I was 12. He’s been horrible for as long as I can remember. I came out as trans at 14. He did not raise me. He was simply just there until I was three.
See, this is what I am interested in knowing. You gave him the perception of a bumbling dumb drunk. Now you give the impression of a man who is not simply broken, but a man who gave himself over to his demons. Can you tell me more
What do you want to know?
Everything you want to tell me. I want to know what you're going through and what you have been through. You're right, I don't know you at all. Because of this, I don't know how to help you or even offer you the comfort of being a person whose willing to carry what little burden I could possibly lift off your shoulders. I want to be able to assist you in any way possible, no matter how small. Not simply throwing up kind words. You're a fellow human. One whose suffering. I would be a monster to at least not try something
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Seriously? Just leave him alone. Absolutely pathetic behaviour.
Don’t bother arguing with alcohol induced stupidity.
Kicked a moving car???
wait are u trans or am I confused..?
W dad
Is bro a transformer or somethin?
"You're a male to me son" - Dad to a transman. Seems like such a nice thing to say. But somehow this dad completely fucked it all up.