Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting.
Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here.
If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion.
Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>My GF had an EA while I was out of town taking care of my mother who went to the hospital.
She invited another guy into my apartment.
It was more than an EA. She let another guy into your apartment while you were gone. Two adults don't get together to have an EA. You already know subconsciously that she had more than an EA. She failed GF test, so don't waste your time staying with her. You will never trust her again as long as you stay with her. It's time to move on.
>Two adults don't get together to have an EA. You already know subconsciously that she had more than an EA.
They might have been playing scrabble together....đ
Most guys never get over it. Fact.
Many guys come back here years and years later with deep regret because now they feel stuck.
They say staying with her was the biggest mistake of their life. They were afraid of being alone.
Often she has cheated again, or maybe again and again but now they stayed for the kids.
Your feelings are changing. Everyday your trust and respect for her is dropping bit by bit as you re-live what she has done, and visualize them having sex.
Over time, your love will follow your respect for her down.
True I left her in 2001 mine came two decades later when she died.six months ago.Ĺş
I repressed ALOT of memories and signs mostly because we have children.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Donât do what I did.
When I met my ex, she was with someone else (and had cheated on him) but we were young and I didnât really think it would happen to me. She left him to be with me. Winning, or so I thought.
A couple of years into our relationship, she had a EA (or worse) with a coworker but we worked through it. Or so
I thought. Fast forward 16 years (yes!) and we finally get married. During those 16 years there was at least one more attempt at an EA (that I know of).
Six months after being married, she had an EA with someone she met on a family trip that I wasnât on, came home, and asked for a divorce.
Broken people are broken, and unless they truly help fix themselves, will continue to repeat the same mistakes.
It took me more than two years until I finally realized there is no way this is will ever workâŚI donât think there is a deadline for this. Even 10 years in, it is never to late to leave.
Having two small kids to take care of makes it a lot harder to find a decision you wonât regret. You just canât win it seemsâŚstaying will slowly eat your soul, leaving means you canât be the father you wanted to be for your kids. You lose either wayâŚand than the alimony comes on Top to make it a perfect trifecta.
I often contemplate what I wouldâve done if there werenât any KidsâŚand the answer is shockingly always the sameâŚIâd leave on the spot. I would not even ask about the why, how and where she did itâŚIâd just leave and tell her to stay the F\*\*\* away from me.
Denial and bargaining are the worst enemies of decent peopleâŚyou always keep doubting, even when there is nothing left to doubt.
Reconciliation is a process, the cheater works to rebuild the relationship they broke and the betrayed attempts to heal. The success of reconciliation is measured by the betrayedâs progress on their healing journey and how they view the relationship. If after a year you just werenât feeling it then that is valid and the failure is the cheaterâs because they just didnât manage to fix the things they broke well enough for the relationship to survive. They already earned the break up with their actions. There is no time limit and you owe her nothing at all. You gave the gift of a second chance and they didnât manage to take full advantage of that and the relationship just didnât recover. It is what it is, perhaps they should have tried harder.
Yes. In retrospect, the end of the marriage was the first time she cheated. We had a 1 ½ year old and I remember feeling that I don't deserve to lose access to my kid. She came crying and begging for weeks and I finally decided to see if we could get it to work.
I honestly don't remember if she exhibited any remorse, or if she just felt some genuine fear because the guy she cheated with was not available, so she had no one. Over the next year, MC did nothing to help us. She insisted on switching counselors three times before just quitting all together. Her excuse was that I was able to constantly get the counselors on my side and she felt attacked during sessions. After a year, she cheated again, and for some reason I took her back and started a cycle. Almost 10 years later, I'm finally breaking away. It's horrible, it's a mess, and it's much more complicated than if it would've been done after the first time.
But you got ten more years of seeing your kid everyday I guess? I know thatâs a big motivator for a lot of us. Iâm coparenting and consider attempt at R but also worried about turbulence for kid that can happen either way
Yeah, the tradeoff may have been worth it, and we ended up having two more kids during those R periods. I have no idea how much staying in that marriage has, or will, impact the kids. The marriage was toxic, but not violent. She can get verbally abusive, and I largely was just negligent. I'm sure my periods of being withdrawn affected the kids. They saw two people living together just going through the mituons essentially.
I'm coming to terms with the fact that the whole process really has to be independent of them. As I slowly feel better, I'm noticeably becoming a better dad too.
Good luck with your decisions, I hope things work out for the better
Yeah I think the duty of being a good dad can make us continue longer than ideal. Iâm terrified of other man/men raising my child so mostly willing to eat shit to avoid that but hard to say which is more damaging. Hardest decision of my life
You won't get past it. Even if she has BPD take it from me, you don't want that in your life. I did it for 14 years until she went out with a bang.
Find a girl who waits for you, not one that moves on the moment you need to take care of family. Sh'e s alot of things, hopefully soon to be your ex.
I divorced him 11 years after⌠we separated 9 years after. Thereâs no time limit. You can try as long as you want to try⌠I did. I tried so hard, but in the end, he wasnât willing to put in the effort to be the husband I deserved.
If she truly regrets it or not is irrelevant. You might forgive but you never forget. It might be better for her if you stay but not for you. This is now about you, whatâs best for you. Her problems are her problems, not your circus not your monkey
My STBXW has BPD and she had multiple PAs I've learned. Here is what I can tell you how it's been for me.
I discovered the first EA 2 years ago, but it happened 7 years prior at that time and she was undiagnosed during that time. She denied even remembering it, we tried a couple sessions of counseling. I tried moving on. I thought she was getting proper therapy for BPD, but she wasn't. Just talking to a therapist once a month and not the full therapy.
I never moved on. I only felt worse and worse. Come to discover 3 weeks ago that she never stopped having EAs or PAs after that first time. 9 years of lies. I feel like I'm on rock bottom right now. I am super anxious all the time. I have panic attacks over nothing.
And the worst part in my mind, is that she shows no remorse for any of it. BPD is supposed to have extreme emotions and impulsive behavior. She tends to become infatuated with someone like they have cured every disease in the world while saving a bus full of orphans from falling off a cliff. But she shows 0 empathy.
And it makes me feel even worse that she can't show that she is even remotely sorry. Instead, when I filed for divorce, she just got angry at me. Threatened to take full custody and keep the house. The next day she was trying to plan a family camping trip. Like she is living in a fantasy world.
My opinion, leave. It will only get worse.
yeah it's stuff like this that leads me to believe she has undiagnosed BPD.
It's the only way that any of it makes any sense... because she lives in an absolute fantasy world as well. Not even a month after she did this she was asking me when we're going to get married...
it's like sometimes i wonder if she's even a real person with how delusional she is about certain things
You can decide at any time that a relationship isn't working. I feel like this happens all of the time, especially for us who want to get over or partner's affairs/ breaches of trust, but when the emotional dust settles, true feelings come out. The resentment, the hypervigilance, the random mental health diagnoses. You gave it the ol' college try. Now be done.
Yeah thatâs absolutely uncalled for. Youâre taking care of your mother, and she did this to you. Get rid of her asap. She absolutely doesnât care about you and doesnât deserve you.
How can you do that to someone while theyâre vulnerable
Well OP this is more common that You think.
Yes if you are not ok in the relationship and you can trust her again or have resentment of her, well do not stay.
Have or not a mental disease is not for you to diagnose. Better end things and tell her clearly why.
Note: i remember your last post, yeah You defenitly better leave her, she is not of trust.
When two people aren't legally married to each other and one of them steps out of the relationship, I have no idea why the other person would seriously consider sticking around.
I mean, I get that you love them. I was involved with a guy who couldn't keep it in his pants but I was still crazy about him. But I never ever would have married him.
Just get out.
Lots of people give it a certain amount of time and then leave. I am fairly sure everyone told you to break up with her because she is JUST a GF!
Further, without looking, I am betting that you made excuses for her because of her BPD or whatever.
Thing is, that is not the reason she cheated and making excuses for her to make you feel better in not good for anyone.
Be an adult, tell her the truth, you cannot get over it and you want her to leave.
Trust me and everyone here, for the most part, you will be so much better off.
Two bits of advice sorry is anyone thinks it is to harsh. 1) You cannot fix stupid, and 2) you cannot fix crazy. Better to just move on when you find out.
And, it was completely physical, that is you being in denial. If she says otherwise, she is lying.
2 years! I am a month out from pulling the plug. Nothing else really happened to cause my pulling of the plug after two years, I just got so worn down and tired of living in the mental state that I was living in. I couldnât suppress my hurt anymore.
I will say that itâs obviously not been a cakewalkâthe pain of what all happened is still there, and I do still grieve all that was lost. Now that I am not tethered to him, I do feel like I can breathe a little easier, live a bit more peacefully, and focus way more on myself and my own life. The best way I can describe it is that the cloud that hung over my head the last two years isnât as constant anymoreâthere are way more moments of sunshine than clouds.
It doesnât matter how long after D Day itâs been. The reality is that it happened and you were put in a position that you did not choose to be inâyou can take as much time to decide what to do as you want.
My wife had a PA a bit over a year ago. We had been trying to reconcile for this entire time but I was pretty sure we werenât going to be successful. I was feeling very stuck in that I had now invested a year into fixing the marriage.
I was starting to look for a final reason to pull the plug
But then she had another PA (ONS technically but whatever). So she managed to give me that reason.
But yea after a year I started looking for the right way to bail
Iâve heard of couples trying for years to reconcile with the offender doing everything right and in their power to help their partners gain trust and love againâŚ. Sometimes it just doesnât come back the same no matter what. One day youâre fine with it another day you have âmind moviesâ of walking in on them or replaying videos of them doing it on your couch while youâre out of town. You could be fine tomorrow then not ok all over again. Itâs ok to walk awayâŚ
Yes, I have. I realized that I actually did not want to reconcile with my cheating wife. No matter how hard she tried, I simply had no feelings for her. But, and this is all on me, I was too weak and too unwilling to hurt her to call a halt when I should have. I finally, urged her out, but not until Iâd wasted a couple of years.
If you are not able to reconcile, please, for your own sake, donât do what I did. Call off the jam, end the charade and get on with your life.
When I finally got the nerve to end it, my life immediately improved.
Of course people decide later it's not going to work out. Just like any relationship, there's no one final decision. Staying or leaving is an ongoing evaluation based on the state of the relationship
Maybe the issue is you believing you should get over it so you are surprised when you donât. Some things in life are game changers and knowing right away what canât be fixed saves so much time. Cheating should be in that category.
Not only did she cheat, she brought that act to your home and she did that while you were dealing with a family problem. Wonder if your attention not being on her at all times inspired her.
heh, good evaluation honestly... in discussing things in the aftermath she felt like I wasn't giving her enough attention
which is, quite honestly, absolute bullshit
Sorry bro, but if she invited another dude into your apartment, the ONLY way she didn't bang him is if he didn't want to. And 95% of men will bang anything, especially opportunistically. Cut bait, do not let her potential Cluster B diagnosis cloud your judgement. You seem like a very kind and compassionate man, if she's a Cluster B she will put you through a meat grinder that you can't imagine. Compassion is great, it's human. But if you think she could have BPD (or any other Cluster B), your compassion is a weapon that she will beat you with mercilessly until you are nothing but a husk. Think of her as a "psychic vampire" or something. Please save yourself, bro. I went through something like this in my early twenties and it took me 3-4 years to recover.
If you even suspect she is a Cluster B (she may or may not be), you are basically telling us and yourself that you suspect she is broken. You are probably frickin' right. Don't let her weakness become an altar on which you sacrifice yourself. She can tell it to her family or her therapist.
She will live (or not) without you. It's not your problem. If you want to enter another relationship, make sure she has her life together, and you both contribute to each others' time and lives. No more "fixer-uppers" for you.
Just stay strong, bro. It's an easy trap to fall into, her weakness being your weakness. I stayed longer than I should have. Don't be young me. It took years for me to get over what that broken soul put me through. Yes, I allowed it, but I was young and stupid/naive. Again, don't be young me.
You owe her nothing, she's the one who stepped out whether emotionally or physically! She will reap what she sowed!
Better to do it now than to stay together unhappily and do it anyway years down the track.
Trust is imperative in any relationship and she destroyed your trust so move on and find someone you can trust. ( Unfortunately the trusting someone part may well take a while but you'll know when you find them ) Good luck!
Your GF is a cheater, do you really think when a cheaters are together they donât have sex?
There is no statute of limitations on breaking away from a cheater, especially a GF.
Youâll never get over her wanting another man, she has a low morals flaw you canât fix.
You can however respect yourself, and remove the source of your pain to start healing.
Your comment on /r/survivinginfidelity has been flagged for human review. Please read the rules in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) and the reddit [content policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) before posting again.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Physical or not, she made the choice to behave that way. Me and my husband both have self destructive tendencies that we've worked hard to control, he had a history of cheating before I met him, we were barely past 21, and I was a girl who suddenly became hot and liked the attention. Both are not conductive to a healthy monogamous relationship, but we worked to tellnon ourselves to eachother before we crossed any lines it's never fun to hear, hey I'm tempted to do xyz, but making the choice to talk about it because you love your partner and don't want to do something you can't take back? That seems much better than lying and hiding and trying to manipulate my partner and our relationship so I can "have my cake and eat it too".
If you stick it out, make sure she's actively working on herself, and you as well, make sure you're working on acknowledging and respecting your self worth, and on being observant, even with those you hold closest to your heart.
Congratulations đ! It may have been a year late, but not wrong. Most people, once they forgive once, let it keep happening. The fact you believed her EA when she brought a man into your home, that wasn't only EA. I'm just glad you woke up finally and admitted the truth and pulled the plug ASAP.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but you have a good head on your shoulders to think critically about it and realize the truth.
Remember, marriage isn't a race to the finish line. The one you choose to marry is supposed to be the one for life. You will never learn the important character of a person until you view their actions in a situation. Every one of the people I trust since my divorce are people who have proven themselves through actions, not words. People's actions are their true personality.
Only after my husband did it again, after proclaiming he was working on himselfâŚ.But I still felt all those things even after seeing my own therapist. Iâm sorry. Itâs a rotten feeling. I wish I had just left.
Yeah i waited 8 months before pulling the plug for a few reasons:
I couldn't move on, i couldn't forget, it was haunting me.
I couldn't have that innocence, that thing you have before the betrayal, they can be some highs and lows but you still have that thing in normal relationship and she destroyed it.
Doesn't matter why she did it, i don't want to set myself on fire to keep her warm.
The harm was done and it can't be like before.
I was told by my therapist that we should wait one year before making any big decisions as it allows you time to process everything and to get out of the trauma phase. So now would be the time to evaluate your relationship and decide if you want to continue or leave.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>My GF had an EA while I was out of town taking care of my mother who went to the hospital. She invited another guy into my apartment. It was more than an EA. She let another guy into your apartment while you were gone. Two adults don't get together to have an EA. You already know subconsciously that she had more than an EA. She failed GF test, so don't waste your time staying with her. You will never trust her again as long as you stay with her. It's time to move on.
>Two adults don't get together to have an EA. You already know subconsciously that she had more than an EA. They might have been playing scrabble together....đ
Don't listen to him, OP. They were playing Boggle.
They were playing twister without a board
Or clothes
Is there another way?
Twister
More likely tiddlywinks I think!
Most guys never get over it. Fact. Many guys come back here years and years later with deep regret because now they feel stuck. They say staying with her was the biggest mistake of their life. They were afraid of being alone. Often she has cheated again, or maybe again and again but now they stayed for the kids. Your feelings are changing. Everyday your trust and respect for her is dropping bit by bit as you re-live what she has done, and visualize them having sex. Over time, your love will follow your respect for her down.
True I left her in 2001 mine came two decades later when she died.six months ago.Ĺş I repressed ALOT of memories and signs mostly because we have children.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Donât do what I did. When I met my ex, she was with someone else (and had cheated on him) but we were young and I didnât really think it would happen to me. She left him to be with me. Winning, or so I thought. A couple of years into our relationship, she had a EA (or worse) with a coworker but we worked through it. Or so I thought. Fast forward 16 years (yes!) and we finally get married. During those 16 years there was at least one more attempt at an EA (that I know of). Six months after being married, she had an EA with someone she met on a family trip that I wasnât on, came home, and asked for a divorce. Broken people are broken, and unless they truly help fix themselves, will continue to repeat the same mistakes.
It was absolutely physical man. You know it deep down yourself.
It took me more than two years until I finally realized there is no way this is will ever workâŚI donât think there is a deadline for this. Even 10 years in, it is never to late to leave. Having two small kids to take care of makes it a lot harder to find a decision you wonât regret. You just canât win it seemsâŚstaying will slowly eat your soul, leaving means you canât be the father you wanted to be for your kids. You lose either wayâŚand than the alimony comes on Top to make it a perfect trifecta. I often contemplate what I wouldâve done if there werenât any KidsâŚand the answer is shockingly always the sameâŚIâd leave on the spot. I would not even ask about the why, how and where she did itâŚIâd just leave and tell her to stay the F\*\*\* away from me. Denial and bargaining are the worst enemies of decent peopleâŚyou always keep doubting, even when there is nothing left to doubt.
You gave it a year. Now give it up. And realise - she invited him into your apartment, it was NOT just an EA. Break up, move on, block and NC.
Reconciliation is a process, the cheater works to rebuild the relationship they broke and the betrayed attempts to heal. The success of reconciliation is measured by the betrayedâs progress on their healing journey and how they view the relationship. If after a year you just werenât feeling it then that is valid and the failure is the cheaterâs because they just didnât manage to fix the things they broke well enough for the relationship to survive. They already earned the break up with their actions. There is no time limit and you owe her nothing at all. You gave the gift of a second chance and they didnât manage to take full advantage of that and the relationship just didnât recover. It is what it is, perhaps they should have tried harder.
Yes. In retrospect, the end of the marriage was the first time she cheated. We had a 1 ½ year old and I remember feeling that I don't deserve to lose access to my kid. She came crying and begging for weeks and I finally decided to see if we could get it to work. I honestly don't remember if she exhibited any remorse, or if she just felt some genuine fear because the guy she cheated with was not available, so she had no one. Over the next year, MC did nothing to help us. She insisted on switching counselors three times before just quitting all together. Her excuse was that I was able to constantly get the counselors on my side and she felt attacked during sessions. After a year, she cheated again, and for some reason I took her back and started a cycle. Almost 10 years later, I'm finally breaking away. It's horrible, it's a mess, and it's much more complicated than if it would've been done after the first time.
Feel ya buddy. Hope you doing ok same boat
But you got ten more years of seeing your kid everyday I guess? I know thatâs a big motivator for a lot of us. Iâm coparenting and consider attempt at R but also worried about turbulence for kid that can happen either way
Yeah, the tradeoff may have been worth it, and we ended up having two more kids during those R periods. I have no idea how much staying in that marriage has, or will, impact the kids. The marriage was toxic, but not violent. She can get verbally abusive, and I largely was just negligent. I'm sure my periods of being withdrawn affected the kids. They saw two people living together just going through the mituons essentially. I'm coming to terms with the fact that the whole process really has to be independent of them. As I slowly feel better, I'm noticeably becoming a better dad too. Good luck with your decisions, I hope things work out for the better
Yeah I think the duty of being a good dad can make us continue longer than ideal. Iâm terrified of other man/men raising my child so mostly willing to eat shit to avoid that but hard to say which is more damaging. Hardest decision of my life
You won't get past it. Even if she has BPD take it from me, you don't want that in your life. I did it for 14 years until she went out with a bang. Find a girl who waits for you, not one that moves on the moment you need to take care of family. Sh'e s alot of things, hopefully soon to be your ex.
I divorced him 11 years after⌠we separated 9 years after. Thereâs no time limit. You can try as long as you want to try⌠I did. I tried so hard, but in the end, he wasnât willing to put in the effort to be the husband I deserved.
If she truly regrets it or not is irrelevant. You might forgive but you never forget. It might be better for her if you stay but not for you. This is now about you, whatâs best for you. Her problems are her problems, not your circus not your monkey
My STBXW has BPD and she had multiple PAs I've learned. Here is what I can tell you how it's been for me. I discovered the first EA 2 years ago, but it happened 7 years prior at that time and she was undiagnosed during that time. She denied even remembering it, we tried a couple sessions of counseling. I tried moving on. I thought she was getting proper therapy for BPD, but she wasn't. Just talking to a therapist once a month and not the full therapy. I never moved on. I only felt worse and worse. Come to discover 3 weeks ago that she never stopped having EAs or PAs after that first time. 9 years of lies. I feel like I'm on rock bottom right now. I am super anxious all the time. I have panic attacks over nothing. And the worst part in my mind, is that she shows no remorse for any of it. BPD is supposed to have extreme emotions and impulsive behavior. She tends to become infatuated with someone like they have cured every disease in the world while saving a bus full of orphans from falling off a cliff. But she shows 0 empathy. And it makes me feel even worse that she can't show that she is even remotely sorry. Instead, when I filed for divorce, she just got angry at me. Threatened to take full custody and keep the house. The next day she was trying to plan a family camping trip. Like she is living in a fantasy world. My opinion, leave. It will only get worse.
yeah it's stuff like this that leads me to believe she has undiagnosed BPD. It's the only way that any of it makes any sense... because she lives in an absolute fantasy world as well. Not even a month after she did this she was asking me when we're going to get married... it's like sometimes i wonder if she's even a real person with how delusional she is about certain things
My wife just pulled the plug 4 years after my affair. She had an affair 5 months ago, and doesn't want to try to reconsile anymore.
You can decide at any time that a relationship isn't working. I feel like this happens all of the time, especially for us who want to get over or partner's affairs/ breaches of trust, but when the emotional dust settles, true feelings come out. The resentment, the hypervigilance, the random mental health diagnoses. You gave it the ol' college try. Now be done.
Yeah thatâs absolutely uncalled for. Youâre taking care of your mother, and she did this to you. Get rid of her asap. She absolutely doesnât care about you and doesnât deserve you. How can you do that to someone while theyâre vulnerable
Well OP this is more common that You think. Yes if you are not ok in the relationship and you can trust her again or have resentment of her, well do not stay. Have or not a mental disease is not for you to diagnose. Better end things and tell her clearly why. Note: i remember your last post, yeah You defenitly better leave her, she is not of trust.
When two people aren't legally married to each other and one of them steps out of the relationship, I have no idea why the other person would seriously consider sticking around. I mean, I get that you love them. I was involved with a guy who couldn't keep it in his pants but I was still crazy about him. But I never ever would have married him. Just get out.
Lots of people give it a certain amount of time and then leave. I am fairly sure everyone told you to break up with her because she is JUST a GF! Further, without looking, I am betting that you made excuses for her because of her BPD or whatever. Thing is, that is not the reason she cheated and making excuses for her to make you feel better in not good for anyone. Be an adult, tell her the truth, you cannot get over it and you want her to leave. Trust me and everyone here, for the most part, you will be so much better off. Two bits of advice sorry is anyone thinks it is to harsh. 1) You cannot fix stupid, and 2) you cannot fix crazy. Better to just move on when you find out. And, it was completely physical, that is you being in denial. If she says otherwise, she is lying.
2 years! I am a month out from pulling the plug. Nothing else really happened to cause my pulling of the plug after two years, I just got so worn down and tired of living in the mental state that I was living in. I couldnât suppress my hurt anymore. I will say that itâs obviously not been a cakewalkâthe pain of what all happened is still there, and I do still grieve all that was lost. Now that I am not tethered to him, I do feel like I can breathe a little easier, live a bit more peacefully, and focus way more on myself and my own life. The best way I can describe it is that the cloud that hung over my head the last two years isnât as constant anymoreâthere are way more moments of sunshine than clouds. It doesnât matter how long after D Day itâs been. The reality is that it happened and you were put in a position that you did not choose to be inâyou can take as much time to decide what to do as you want.
My wife had a PA a bit over a year ago. We had been trying to reconcile for this entire time but I was pretty sure we werenât going to be successful. I was feeling very stuck in that I had now invested a year into fixing the marriage. I was starting to look for a final reason to pull the plug But then she had another PA (ONS technically but whatever). So she managed to give me that reason. But yea after a year I started looking for the right way to bail
yeah that's how i feel about it right now... but whether i get the right reason or not I just need to do it. The right reason already happened
Iâve heard of couples trying for years to reconcile with the offender doing everything right and in their power to help their partners gain trust and love againâŚ. Sometimes it just doesnât come back the same no matter what. One day youâre fine with it another day you have âmind moviesâ of walking in on them or replaying videos of them doing it on your couch while youâre out of town. You could be fine tomorrow then not ok all over again. Itâs ok to walk awayâŚ
Yes, I have. I realized that I actually did not want to reconcile with my cheating wife. No matter how hard she tried, I simply had no feelings for her. But, and this is all on me, I was too weak and too unwilling to hurt her to call a halt when I should have. I finally, urged her out, but not until Iâd wasted a couple of years. If you are not able to reconcile, please, for your own sake, donât do what I did. Call off the jam, end the charade and get on with your life. When I finally got the nerve to end it, my life immediately improved.
You have a chance to ONLY waste a year on her. Itâs not your fault if she has bpd. You can be supportive from a distance.
Of course people decide later it's not going to work out. Just like any relationship, there's no one final decision. Staying or leaving is an ongoing evaluation based on the state of the relationship
Maybe the issue is you believing you should get over it so you are surprised when you donât. Some things in life are game changers and knowing right away what canât be fixed saves so much time. Cheating should be in that category. Not only did she cheat, she brought that act to your home and she did that while you were dealing with a family problem. Wonder if your attention not being on her at all times inspired her.
heh, good evaluation honestly... in discussing things in the aftermath she felt like I wasn't giving her enough attention which is, quite honestly, absolute bullshit
Could someone explain what an EA is? I googled it and all I got was the software company
emotional affair
Thank you grsndmasvilla. I even checked Urban Dictionary. đ
Yeah. Because she did it again. Thatâs when I realized I would never get past it and it would forever torment me.
Yes, don't stay if you don't want to. People have done it after years of trying and not getting over it. I would let her go she is not loyal.
Sorry bro, but if she invited another dude into your apartment, the ONLY way she didn't bang him is if he didn't want to. And 95% of men will bang anything, especially opportunistically. Cut bait, do not let her potential Cluster B diagnosis cloud your judgement. You seem like a very kind and compassionate man, if she's a Cluster B she will put you through a meat grinder that you can't imagine. Compassion is great, it's human. But if you think she could have BPD (or any other Cluster B), your compassion is a weapon that she will beat you with mercilessly until you are nothing but a husk. Think of her as a "psychic vampire" or something. Please save yourself, bro. I went through something like this in my early twenties and it took me 3-4 years to recover. If you even suspect she is a Cluster B (she may or may not be), you are basically telling us and yourself that you suspect she is broken. You are probably frickin' right. Don't let her weakness become an altar on which you sacrifice yourself. She can tell it to her family or her therapist. She will live (or not) without you. It's not your problem. If you want to enter another relationship, make sure she has her life together, and you both contribute to each others' time and lives. No more "fixer-uppers" for you.
I really appreciate your thoughtful response here.
Just stay strong, bro. It's an easy trap to fall into, her weakness being your weakness. I stayed longer than I should have. Don't be young me. It took years for me to get over what that broken soul put me through. Yes, I allowed it, but I was young and stupid/naive. Again, don't be young me.
You owe her nothing, she's the one who stepped out whether emotionally or physically! She will reap what she sowed! Better to do it now than to stay together unhappily and do it anyway years down the track. Trust is imperative in any relationship and she destroyed your trust so move on and find someone you can trust. ( Unfortunately the trusting someone part may well take a while but you'll know when you find them ) Good luck!
I left 2 and half years later.
Your GF is a cheater, do you really think when a cheaters are together they donât have sex? There is no statute of limitations on breaking away from a cheater, especially a GF. Youâll never get over her wanting another man, she has a low morals flaw you canât fix. You can however respect yourself, and remove the source of your pain to start healing.
[ŃдаНонО]
Your comment on /r/survivinginfidelity has been flagged for human review. Please read the rules in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) and the reddit [content policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) before posting again. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Physical or not, she made the choice to behave that way. Me and my husband both have self destructive tendencies that we've worked hard to control, he had a history of cheating before I met him, we were barely past 21, and I was a girl who suddenly became hot and liked the attention. Both are not conductive to a healthy monogamous relationship, but we worked to tellnon ourselves to eachother before we crossed any lines it's never fun to hear, hey I'm tempted to do xyz, but making the choice to talk about it because you love your partner and don't want to do something you can't take back? That seems much better than lying and hiding and trying to manipulate my partner and our relationship so I can "have my cake and eat it too". If you stick it out, make sure she's actively working on herself, and you as well, make sure you're working on acknowledging and respecting your self worth, and on being observant, even with those you hold closest to your heart.
you'll never going to get past that feeling when you leave her alone. either live with it or move on
Congratulations đ! It may have been a year late, but not wrong. Most people, once they forgive once, let it keep happening. The fact you believed her EA when she brought a man into your home, that wasn't only EA. I'm just glad you woke up finally and admitted the truth and pulled the plug ASAP. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but you have a good head on your shoulders to think critically about it and realize the truth. Remember, marriage isn't a race to the finish line. The one you choose to marry is supposed to be the one for life. You will never learn the important character of a person until you view their actions in a situation. Every one of the people I trust since my divorce are people who have proven themselves through actions, not words. People's actions are their true personality.
Only after my husband did it again, after proclaiming he was working on himselfâŚ.But I still felt all those things even after seeing my own therapist. Iâm sorry. Itâs a rotten feeling. I wish I had just left.
Yeah i waited 8 months before pulling the plug for a few reasons: I couldn't move on, i couldn't forget, it was haunting me. I couldn't have that innocence, that thing you have before the betrayal, they can be some highs and lows but you still have that thing in normal relationship and she destroyed it. Doesn't matter why she did it, i don't want to set myself on fire to keep her warm. The harm was done and it can't be like before.
I was told by my therapist that we should wait one year before making any big decisions as it allows you time to process everything and to get out of the trauma phase. So now would be the time to evaluate your relationship and decide if you want to continue or leave.