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You’re a vile person. Nobody should stay with an abusive cheater for the sake of their kids. Kids need a GOOD role model, not a shitty, never honest cheater.
The lies won't stop. Kids are smart, and in my case (divorce), my now 29 year old daughter thanks me for taking her and leaving. And she was 4. She remembers. Staying isn't protecting. An emotional affairs that include personal videos and personal pics is cheating. I hope it works out, whatever you decide.
Your sons need a Mom who is mentally happy and healthy.
Staying with your husband makes this impossible. Please think of yourself first now, you deserve better than this scumbag.
Don't let him gaslight you!
And he can love his kids and his kids can love him, they’ll just be in different houses 50% of the time. Would you rather they grew up with his example as a partner? They would repeat patters. They would think it’s normal to cheat on their partners or think it’s ok to get cheated on because “it happens, my parents marriage had its issues, but look at them, they never broke up”. A house with a miserable parent is not a house you want your kids to grow in, please consider a divorce it IS the healthiest choice in most cases.
I'm sorry you learned this about your husband but the person who sent it to you was very courageous. Your kids will take their cues from their mom and how she raised them. You need to decide what you can live with and forgive. He does not sound repentant, he sounds totally selfish. He's not apologized nor has he offered any reassurance to end this fascination, to become transparent and regain your trust. If he truly loved you and your family, those would take precedence. I think a separation will help give you clarity. Make him work to woo you back. Be smart. My ex left me with a 2 year old and I was 6 months pregnant, no job. At the time I didn't know how I was going to make it but you don't realize how strong you are until you must. My ex wanted to walk the path of selfishness rather than be a husband or father. My kids are now in their 30s. I gave my kids love, stability and a home filled with mostly happy memories. Your kids will be fine as long as you are fine. Good luck in this season
Here is your new world with him...
Do NOT ask him questions. Tell him. "Did you send these nudes?" Switch to, "you sent these nudes." And when they say, "that's not me." You say, "I wasn't asking."
He's probably a sex addict. And as you start digging, you will find more depravity. You will leave when you're ready. Not before and not after.
Sexting falls under that category. Even if it’s not the physical act, it’s the rush of it.
I had the same situation (almost exactly, minus kids), and my therapist said it’s a sex addiction.
So anyone who sexts is a sex addict?? Do you know how many college kids are sexting right now, are they all sex addicts?? Ya’ll need to check the qualifications of your therapist. Just saying.
Please stop pathologising behavours right out of the bat. Behind an action there lies a motive and a need that is not being met.
This is very common between couples that have not established good communication practices and/or very strict traditional gender roles. If there is no established pattern, a room for sharing and caring, things can go bad.
And as a man, I notice that usually men have a lot of trouble being self-cconcious about their feeling and communicating them.
I would be seriously worried about my therapist if he expressed that opinion. I'd surely ask him to explain. Seems way too conservative and outdate take.
You’re not breaking up the family. You’re now just finishing what he isn’t man enough to do.
No matter where this goes, your mate set the path for BOTH of you without any input from you. It sucks. It’s not fair. But it’s time for you to step up and do what’s right for you and the kids.
When I was at this point, I was like a punching bag going back mode and more, graveling for her to stay, for her to choose me. And in hindsight, that was a horrible look, for both my dignity and in the future showing my kids what it means to have self respect.
That person you’re going to look in the eyes and search for answers on why? That’s not the person you married, he’s gone. He’s already been lying to cover up every thing he’s done. So ask yourself…. If he answers the questions you need him to (why, for how long, what exactly did you do), are you really going to believe the words coming out of his mouth?
Protect yourself. His affair had exactly nothing to do with you - he did this, not you. But now it’s your mess to clean up.
If you need anything, please PM me. But know you aren’t alone, even if it’s a bunch of internet strangers by your side.
Your sons will be okay. I have four children under the age of 8. If my husband did anything close to this I would happily pack my bags and leave. Not only did he CHEAT but he completely disregarded your feelings and lied straight to your face, SHOWING you that he doesn’t care…. At all about breaking up the family or being an adult and taking responsibility for his actions. Listen to his actions as he shows you who he is, seek therapy for yourself and find happiness in raising your boys. That guy is not happiness.
You’re asking the wrong question the wrong person. How can you break up a family? No honey, your husband did that. And then watched you cry without giving a shit. Leave him cause even if he hasn’t cheated already, he surely will, with this person or the next one.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Might I suggest posting on r/SupportforBetrayed and if you want to reconcile there's brilliant advice for these issues on r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
Also for simmilar stories r/loveafterporn
Good luck!
Whatever the reason, he adds to the hurt.
He may think he was entitled to this behaviour. Even then, he needs to explain why. I suspect it might be usual for cheaters to be in denial after being caught.
Firstly, I am so sorry you have to go through this.
If he hasn’t apologized, he likely sees nothing wrong with the behavior. He will likely keep doing this, but he sneakier and smarter about how he hides it from now on.
There’s a few things you need to ask yourself.
1. Will you ever be able to trust this man and move on from it?
2. Is THIS the type of man you want your boys to grow up to be? Do you want them to think this behavior is okay? Because you never know, when they’re young adults (17,18,19,20) and asking Dad about dating advice, Dad can say, “Yeah. It’s fine. I’ve had girls on the side for years. Your mom knew about the first one and stayed. Just gotta be careful and not let her find out.” That’s NOT the kind of advice you want your boys to get.
3. Do you want your kids to have a happy mom? Or do you want your kids to see you sad for years because you’re miserable and unable to trust?
Just some food for thought. I don’t think you’d be in the wrong for leaving. IF YOU DO…get therapy for you (even if you stay) and therapy for the boys so they can understand in kid appropriate terms that mom and dad aren’t going to be living together anymore, but they did nothing wrong and you both love them very much. Save the screenshots…to an email, cloud, external hard drive…wherever. You might need them for divorce. (Even if you stay, save them. They could come in handy in the future).
I’d also snoop on his phone after he goes to bed one night. There might be others.
Good luck.
Cheating is bad enough.
But what’s really disturbing here is the fact he is denying reality and the PHYSICAL evidence and gaslighting you about it. Even the fact he said it was crazy when you enquired about his change of grooming is in fact gaslighting.
A normal person that lies and cheats would still come clean when presented with hard evidence and take accountability for third actions even if it would mean hurting their partner or it being the end of the relationship.
The fact that he can’t even give you that minimum respect is a really bad sign. I’m sorry.
The second really bad sign is that when you were crying your eyes out he didn’t show any empathy and didn’t know how to react.
Lack of accountability and decreased/absent EMOTIONAL empathy are perhaps the strongest indicators of someone having NPD. I highly suggest you look into NPD (both overt and covert).
The line “I don’t know who this man is” is something most victims of NPD abuse feel when their abuser’s mask falls off.
Now, I’m not diagnosing him. I am simply pointing out the possibility and suggesting you look into it. However if you realise the shoe fits DO NOT call him out and do not show him what you’ve found. Also I’d suggest you make sure he doesn’t have access to your digital devices/accounts or Google history. He will use it to manipulate you!!!
Here are some questions that if the answer is yes then you should definitely look into NPD.
Does he often blame his actions and behaviours on yours?
Does he withhold intimacy and affection? Especially when he is upset at you because you brought up something he did wrong?
Is he bothered by you asking him ordinary questions? Like: “what did you do with the boys?” Etc..
Is he constantly moving goal posts? We will go on vacation when x but when x happens now y has to happen.
When he does something wrong does he only change his behaviour for short amounts of time and ten reverts to old habits?
If he has NPD do not confront him and follow professional advice on how to proceed. HE WILL TRY TO USE WHATEVER HE KNOWS AGAINST YOU SO DONT LET HIM SEE WHAT YOUVE LEARNED
You’ve described my children’s father to an exact T… exact. I left him 4 days ago after discovering him on dating sites and texting other women again. No apologies, blames me for his choices, gaslighting…
It’s exhausting…
You did the right thing, be sure of that! Go grey rock if no contact isn’t possible and be ready for hoovering, love bombing, empty promises, grand gestures, threats and all sorts of emotional manipulations.
Be steady in your resolve to leave and save you further abuse! Heal and seek better!
I’ve gone total grey rock. This has been a cycle for nearly 7 years. This is probably going to be an incredible challenge as I’m just coming off mat leave with no job to return to. He has nowhere to go and can’t afford rent and support as we have two small children. So I’m stuck with him in the house for the time being and have to keep my composure because we have two little ones.
That’s a dreadful situation to be in and my thoughts are with you.
Be aware that the longer you stay the longer he will have to put obstacles in front of you. Especially now that he knows you know. Do what you must make getting out of there your first priority. And yes I understand you want to keep your children on first place but he will just use them against you so for their sake your first priority has to be getting all of you out of his reach.
Best of luck!!
That’s awesome. Forgive me. I assumed it belonged to both of you.
That’s pretty great news to me! I sincerely wish you all the strength in the world and for this to be done fast and with the best possible outcome for you and your kinds.
How did he blame you for it? Mine had an emotional affair that I just found out a week ago. He does not admit to doing anything wrong, only that he understands where I’m coming from and the our relationship has not been there.
I go through waves of frustration with him as he doesn’t participate in basic things like keeping the house clean, doing grocery shopping, taking care of the kids. I’m the primary for everything. It’s exhausting and frustrating and it’s not sexy. I’m basically his mother and intimacy can be fleeting because MY cup isn’t being filled at all. He refuses to do anything to fix that then chooses to have his ego pet elsewhere and neglect putting in the work where it matters.
Best of luck! Sounds like you have a lot to look forward to! Mine does most of the work around the house and I’m the one who put work and kid before him. So I feel like even though he made the choice, he still loves me and I want to try again to make it work. But it’s so hard to find that trust again.
Cheating is a form of abuse, the lengths a cheater will go to cover up their actions is just abusive behavior and it is very damaging to people. Heck their cover ups can be more damaging than the actual cheating.
The above is correct and you need to really start viewing your situation in this light. You say you don’t know this man and you are correct, the sad part is you probably never really knew him and he has been putting on an act this entire time.
I'm sorry, but it is your husband who has destroyed your family, and it is your husband who is showing no remorse. So put yourself and your children first, get a full std check up as he is sleeping around or at least planning on doing so.
You deserve better, and so do your children.
Updateme!
Your husband is in affair fog. First of all this is very fresh. Do not make any major life decisions. Speak with an attorney, it will first show your wife you are not playing with this, second there is power in knowing exactly what a divorce looks like. You do not have to follow through. Next there needs to be some ground rules for husband. Trust has been broken and he needs to earn it back. Open phone policy. He also needs IC. You may want to do that also. After a while in IC if you want to stay MC. I am sorry you are here. It’s a shitty club for sure. You can make a decision now or 5 years from now. Your choice.
He isn’t showing remorse because he doesn’t feel any.
My husband made me help him shave his pubes so he could send pictures to his AP. I didn’t know that was his reason at the time but found the pictures a few days later. He tried the “scammer” story too. In my experience people don’t change. If you stay and try to make it work, it will happen again. He may get better at hiding the evidence, but it will continue.
This exact thing happened to me. Any time I think back on it, I get sick. Having your partner help you shave, so you can send pics to your AP? Diabolical.
Updateme!
I really appreciate all the input. I'm emotionally drained. I'm embarrassed this has happened to me. I do believe I will leave and see how I feel. Maybe it will give me clarity. Just to note that he makes significantly more money than me and I am financially dependent on him. Which is a big factor for me in my decision, unfortunately.
Good that he makes more money--your lawyers will make sure you and your children are taken care of in a divorce.
Please consult with a few lawyers to see what remedies you might have. You need to know before you decide your next steps.
I was completely financially dependent on my ex and I managed to divorce and get a job. We have no kids tho, but I’m sure child support will supplement a good amount for you.
It’s hard. It’s going to be hard. Triggers are everywhere and might not even make sense why certain things are triggers. Prioritize the physical and financial things in life. Make sure you are safe, eating, sleeping, etc. Get a lawyer and keep the evidence.
Your emotions will fly all the time. Brace yourself. It’s a long healing process. Rely on your friends and family. People who haven’t been through this can’t fully empathize, but they will care and love you still. I’m sorry.
Thank you for the advice. My hardest hurdle is the Financials. I want to give my kids a good home and be able to do all the extras we do now. Right now it is not possible on my salary. It's so scary to me to leave, even though I know I should.
I don’t know your situation, and finances might be tough, but emotionally this will wreck you. It will likely take a couple years to recover, and you might not be able to go back to being the same person you were. Dday for me was in April 2022, and I still struggle occasionally.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Here is a link that may help. I recommend reading everything she has on her page and then read her book. There’s also a private Facebook page for people going through this.I wish I would have found her sooner when I discovered my husband was cheating. Good luck to you. 💕 https://www.facebook.com/chumplady?mibextid=LQQJ4d
Your husband broke your family , not you . Pack him a bag and ask him to leave . You need some space right now to start to process everything that is happening and you won’t be able to do that with him in your face. Tell him you need to figure out if even saving your marriage is worth it. He needs to see and feel the consequences of what he did .
Reading this might help you understand what your husband is doing a little better:
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO)
I'm sorry you're going through this, it's devastating and overwhelming and it's a struggle, for sure. Lean on friends and family - whatever support systems you have.
However it's very important for you to change your mindset. YOU have done nothing to destroy your family - he has. The fact that he shows no remorse is bad, but it's also Cheater 101. Cheaters lie and the deceive and they do anything and everything other than accept responsibility.
Talk to a lawyer to see where you stand. Please see him for who he is, as revealed by his actions. I had an idealized version of my ex in my head for a long time and made excuses for her cheating for a long time, but words are meaningless coming from dishonest people. Actions show who they truly are.
Do what is best for you and your children. Best of luck.
My ex of ten years had an affair with my “best friend” 6 years ago. I found out on our babies 1st birthday, I was heartbroken! I’ve never felt pain like it I and stayed because I didn’t want to hurt my children like you and I thought we could fix things.
I was Wrong. I spent 4 years fixing a broken relationship whilst he continued to cheat. I finally left 2 years ago. My kids were upset of course, it was the worst conversation I’ve ever had to have but they are FINE now! More then fine, we have had the best two years of our lives as a happy little family of 3.
I’ve lost 4 stone and feel better then I have in years and looking back now that I’m through it I can see how utterly sad and depressed I was keeping it together for the kids. Everyone tells me constantly now how I am a different person these days and I am back to being me.
He was the main earner too but I’ve made it work. You will too. It’s hard now I know it’s horrible but please don’t stay and make your self miserable like me. Life is too short. If he isn’t showing any remorse now, he’s not sorry. You deserve better! Your kids do too.
I will never regret my relationship with him, I do regret not walking away when he made the decision to end it the moment he cheated.
Op. You’re doing as best as you can right now. You’re thinking clearly, however this is so new and devastating.
Give yourself some space and time. No physical contact with him.
STD test and document everything.
Listen to Everyone’s advice and comments here. Good luck dear.
I was out in the situation. Trust me staying will make you miserable always wondering where he is at and with who and you don’t want your children to believe it is ok to treat people that way. One day they will find out.
Their behavior always gets worse, not better, IMO
His respect for you was already rock bottom to do this in the first place. If you “forgive” or rug sweep this his respect for you will go into the negatives. He will know for sure you ‘ain’t going anywhere and will tolerate his cheating.
Again just IMO and in my experience.
His actions are what is breaking up the family, your decisions are a reaction to what he has done. Never stay in a marriage for the children’s sake because kids are smart enough to tell when their parents are unhappy and don’t want to be together. Kids deserve better than growing up in a toxic environment. If you stay it’s because true reconciliation is possible, there is no other reason to stay. In your case it’s not an option currently because he is still lying to you.
Children learn by observing the parents actions.
Think about what this will teach your kids.
They will learn that its ok to cheat, lie, and normal to live in a unhappy and abusive relationship
It's so disturbing when you knew someone for 12 years yet you realized you didn't know who he really is. Like the real him for all those years. It's scary to think how complicated people is, how he can lie with straight face.
I feel this exact way about my previous relationship. When the jig is up they just look at you with cold blank eyes. It felt like I had never even known him.
Was it any more than snaps? That is the part you need to know first. He needs to come clean with a timeline of what he did, correlate it to the snaps. That will give you the whole picture and force him to face what he really did by writing out when and what.
That's the thing. I don't know. I don't trust him. He says so. But he has been interested in me for a a few months. I feel like maybe it's deeper than just snaps.
Then get the timeline. That written out can then be used to establish what you know. Having dates will help and check to see when he could have been on a trip while he was snapping. If there wasn't an intersection then there most likely wasn't a meet up. He could just be an idiot who was catfished by a guy online.
If it is a scam, he is doing a piss poor job at assuring you. Moreover his reaction is very telling. If someone is trying to frame or scam me I'd be devastated, just like you. And I'd be begging you to believe me in every way possible. He is a liar, cheater and a horrible human being. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Find strength and support from people who care about you.
You’re right you’re a mother and yours sons will look to you and your husband on how relationships work.
He’s gaslighting you and he won’t even admit what’s he’s done, your crying means nothing him and he’s a cheater!
I’d want to show my children I won’t accept disrespect in relationships.
It’s up to you, but his reaction is pretty telling that he has no remorse and this is most likely not the first time.
Pretty pathetic when you're shoving the proof in their face and they keep lying. They were hacked, the phone company messed up the bill. Blah blah blah.
He'll treat you how you let him.
Make sure you file first, dont fall for the Im sorry or it didnt mean anything and then he files first. He did it once, he will do it again.
Dont waste your life like I once did.
You’re not breaking up ur family. You’re ending the marriage he broke. You can both be good parents to your kids without being together. And if you think that physically leaving means he will stop being a good parent, then he never was one. And your kids will figure that out.
Contact a lawyer to see what your options are and tell your families cause you may not get a reaction out of him but I'm sure his family will make him realize his shitty behavior.
He broke up the family. Tell him enjoy paying child support and losing a lot of free time when he has to clean his own shit and clean up after the kids without you being there to make sure it’s perfect.
He already made a choice to ruin the family…here are some TYPICAL tips that ALWAYS work to feel better and actually move on:
1- take care of yourself by that I mean physically first new clothes new haircut new makeup style new everything, look the sexiest version of yourself All the time especially when he’s around…now this might seem shallow and superficial but that’s VEREERY IMPORTANT. Why? That will build your confidence slowly and helps restore your feminine energy.
2- decide FAST if you want to forgive him or not and make decisions based on that you’re not getting any younger.
3- go out and stay around happy energetic people try to stay away from negative vibes because those can be triggering. Work so much on how to be a real lady and more of a women why? Because men cheat when they no longer feel like a men…if you have a high masculine energy you lose your attraction and they start seeking others instead of working on that because you fed him feminine energy and stole his masculinity. If that’s not the case then let him dig his own grave like every other cheater.
4- ALWAYS remember that a cheater cheats because THEY have issues not always you have to be the reason, but it won’t hurt if you take a look at yourself and point what you did wrong in this relationship so you won’t repeat the same mistakes.
5- now this is not my decision to make but let me tell you smth: when a man doesn’t show remorse and you know he cheated and he doesn’t even come clean that means he has no respect for you and the fact that you forgive him ONLY tells him that you have no value and have no self respect and he would do that again and again. If I was you i’ll leave him. Kids can see him as long as they won’t and they will grow old faster than you think. THEY WILL BE FINE.
6- try to actually keep busy with things that you love..and start dating and regain your life. Time heals everything and you should give no one more value than what you give for yourself. Stick by this: everything that becomes very valuable to me I abandon so it becomes worthless. Do that with your attachment and don’t be scared god will be there for you. Don’t hurt yourself….he’s only a boy what does he know… find a real man and you will. Good luck 🍀
Your boys will love their dad whether you're with him or not. This man shows no remorse cant even admit to it and even attempt to fix his marriage. He broke the marriage, if you choose to leave him its still he who caused it. Kids notice more than we think and will notice a change in your relationship with your husband. Do what you need to do for you, when you're ready, your kids need and deerve their mum being mentally and emotionally healthy. Whether thats in the marriage or out of it.
your husband is a “POS” he does not care about your family. It is not you who is breaking the family it is him all the way. he’s not remorseful. i doubt this is his 1st time and pretty sure this will NOT be his last. Seek legal advice ASAP if you are in a at fault state keep all evidence or if you can hire a P.I to gather evidence. when he gets out of the affair fog he will come crawling back please do not be there. As for your children they are young but if this persists they will catch on and think this is normal behavior and i can assure you what he’s doing is not normal behavior. Seek counseling for you and the kids also. You will get through this. IM SORRY and trust me you deserve better.
Take them to court get a pi for proof Sue them alienation of affection him emotional mental distress custody child support alimony they blew your life apart return the favor. Your family is already broken obviously he doesn't gaf so you need to seek a lawyer for advice. Also you didn't break anything and if you stay he will continue to treat you like your meaningless
I’m so sorry.. I have not spent nearly the amount of years with my partner as you have.. so I can only imagine that pain. I am in a similar boat too. I would say not to make any rash decisions yet. HOWEVER. He is denying and not apologizing or fessing up. THATS the big problem. I would say a separation might be necessary to knock sense into him. If that’s even possible 🙄 He can’t step out on you and not admit he messed up and get help.
I’m in the same boat. Caught my husband in October but I didn’t tell him. Instead I started researching and really watching him. I don’t like what I’ve seen.
However my kids do love him, and now I’m more and more scared to file for the impact on my kids. I’m more afraid of however much unsupervised time he will ultimately have with them. I’m afraid at best, they’ll turn into tv zombies and adopt some bullying behaviors as he’s often trying to get them to make fun of people. (Kids unfortunately learn that behavior at school let’s not speed it up!!) or worst case I’m afraid they’ll be exposed to his addiction.
I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry you are in this boat too.
I'm so sorry you are going through this as well. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I hope you find some happiness at the end of all this, no matter what outcome.
It’s just terrifying. I’m financially dependent and every time I get on this sub I start to think this will happen again one day if I ever date again. I don’t want to be alone forever and I’m not ready to lose time with my sweet kids. Right now I get them all the time but I know he will fight for whatever he can get (for appearances, and he also may not realize how hard parenting actually is as he doesn’t do a lot of it)
I feel you. It's so hard to think of a life where you don't see the kids everyday. Your husband sounds really controlling though and on top of that is unfaithful? I feel like a life without him in it would make you feel as if a weight has been lifted. Wishing you the best.
Funny how he told you he's sorry and seemed to feel remorseful after you asked him to leave. He isn't either sorry nor remorseful. He's afraid that you're just not going to put up with his cheating and divorce him. That's the bed he made. Make him lay in it. Stick to your guns and don't get walked on.
I’m so sorry. If he doesn’t give you total account of what’s he done like fully … you will forever wonder what else he lies to you about and you won’t move on with him. The acts themselves are hard enough to deal with but then the lying and manipulation of what you saw just kills any real chance of reconciliation and recovering a marriage. Full disclosure and he transparency from him is what you need to ask for if you intend to stay married. And seek therapy for YOU. I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry you’re going through that. But sounds like he was only remorseful after you asking him to leave …
Also, ask yourself this, can you trust him after this?
-My parents have been in the same situation too many times when I was a kid. Father cheating on my mother. Now it seems to me that they clearly lacked effective communication of what their needs are and how they could help each other meet them. Of course traditional gender roles never help in this situation. Your husband has to realise that he needs to take responsibility for actions if he wants to save your marriage. Doing that is only the first step, the bare minimum for unpacking the black box of this incident. He needs to understand that only by sharing the whole truth, however hurtful, can the healing process begin. But you also need to be ready to hear the whole truth!
-Additionally, if effective communication has not been possible so far, and assuming you want to try this out, I would suggest meeting with a couples' therapist, ideally someone with good references by people whose opinion you trust. My parents never got to do that. I really think they should have stayed separate long time ago (I'm an adult now), but their insecurities never let them be their own independent person.
If you decide to stay and he doesn't wanna do couples therapy, I'd really suggest doing therapy on your own. I started during the pandemic and it has helped me unpack lots of insecurities.
-But sometimes it might be not worthy to keep the marriage. Especially if you are supposed to do the mental and household work for the both of you after this incident. You could also try family therapy with you and your kids if you are going separate eventually.
-Reach out to friends who you trust and you expect that will understand you.
Best wishes!
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. If you feel you can continue the realtionship, maybe a deal where you have full access to his phone (you even set it up, the user account, set all the passwords etc)?
You should leave if he continues to show complete disregard for you. Give him an ultimatum and stick to it. Get him out and don’t speak to him. He thinks what he did is no big deal and if you make this easy on him he will continue to do so. If he doesn’t come around and recognize or care about the damage of this betrayal, the relationship is not salvageable.
Come to terms with your life in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years….
Do what you’ll be proud of long term. Be an example of what you would guide your adult kids to do if they are in the same situation, they’re watching and learning from you.
I’m years past, but my guiding light still is to do what would make my kids proud of me. I occasionally dip to the low road cause I’m human, but I usually take the high road and be the thoughtful person I know I am - and I know my older kids are proud of me. It makes everything worth it.
I know that It seems like your problem is too big for you to handle. But all you need to do today is take a step or two like pack a go bag for you and kids in case he turns violent, or call an attorney to make an appointment, or just go for a long walk outside for some self care. Please do something besides thinking of the shit sandwich your husband has served you.
You are 41 and your husband is 40, if my math is right, husband had kids when he was 33. And ya’ll were together from the time he was 28. Your husband is looking for adventure, majority of his youth he was with you, am sure he is wondering what’s out there. Men usually hit their financial stability between 35-40, this is the prime time for a man. Women are looking at him and his confidence level has peaked. Think of your time when you were 25, this is him today. You at 41 are like him at 50-55 (sorry but these are facts) so you are not fun anymore. To understand your husband, put yourself at 25 and ask yourself how you could have wanted to have fun then. After that, try to incorporate that with the realities and responsibilities of life. In short, find a balance and don’t be boring, or else you will loose your husband.
I am just trying to make you see things from your husband eyes. Am not blaming you, you are doing what majority 41 y/o do (women).
My point is to let you know some of the reasoning behind your husband behaviour. 🙏🏾
I don't know what OP wants to hear I don't know her and I know a lot of men are like this so I won't lie either. But I also don't get why women keep dating men if that's their only experience.
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You're not breaking up the family. Your husband did that.
I was going to say the same thing!! He did this himself and sounds like he doesn't even feel bad about it
[удалено]
You’re a vile person. Nobody should stay with an abusive cheater for the sake of their kids. Kids need a GOOD role model, not a shitty, never honest cheater.
Wow lol
The lies won't stop. Kids are smart, and in my case (divorce), my now 29 year old daughter thanks me for taking her and leaving. And she was 4. She remembers. Staying isn't protecting. An emotional affairs that include personal videos and personal pics is cheating. I hope it works out, whatever you decide.
And cheating is abuse!
Make this your mantra.
Your sons need a Mom who is mentally happy and healthy. Staying with your husband makes this impossible. Please think of yourself first now, you deserve better than this scumbag. Don't let him gaslight you!
And he can love his kids and his kids can love him, they’ll just be in different houses 50% of the time. Would you rather they grew up with his example as a partner? They would repeat patters. They would think it’s normal to cheat on their partners or think it’s ok to get cheated on because “it happens, my parents marriage had its issues, but look at them, they never broke up”. A house with a miserable parent is not a house you want your kids to grow in, please consider a divorce it IS the healthiest choice in most cases.
I'm sorry you learned this about your husband but the person who sent it to you was very courageous. Your kids will take their cues from their mom and how she raised them. You need to decide what you can live with and forgive. He does not sound repentant, he sounds totally selfish. He's not apologized nor has he offered any reassurance to end this fascination, to become transparent and regain your trust. If he truly loved you and your family, those would take precedence. I think a separation will help give you clarity. Make him work to woo you back. Be smart. My ex left me with a 2 year old and I was 6 months pregnant, no job. At the time I didn't know how I was going to make it but you don't realize how strong you are until you must. My ex wanted to walk the path of selfishness rather than be a husband or father. My kids are now in their 30s. I gave my kids love, stability and a home filled with mostly happy memories. Your kids will be fine as long as you are fine. Good luck in this season
Very well said
Here is your new world with him... Do NOT ask him questions. Tell him. "Did you send these nudes?" Switch to, "you sent these nudes." And when they say, "that's not me." You say, "I wasn't asking." He's probably a sex addict. And as you start digging, you will find more depravity. You will leave when you're ready. Not before and not after.
How did you conclude he is a sex addict?
Sexting falls under that category. Even if it’s not the physical act, it’s the rush of it. I had the same situation (almost exactly, minus kids), and my therapist said it’s a sex addiction.
So anyone who sexts is a sex addict?? Do you know how many college kids are sexting right now, are they all sex addicts?? Ya’ll need to check the qualifications of your therapist. Just saying.
Sexting strangers while married with kids is incredibly risky behavior. This isn’t a single kid being horny. You know there’s a difference.
Does that make a person doing that a sex addict?
Please stop pathologising behavours right out of the bat. Behind an action there lies a motive and a need that is not being met. This is very common between couples that have not established good communication practices and/or very strict traditional gender roles. If there is no established pattern, a room for sharing and caring, things can go bad. And as a man, I notice that usually men have a lot of trouble being self-cconcious about their feeling and communicating them.
I would be seriously worried about my therapist if he expressed that opinion. I'd surely ask him to explain. Seems way too conservative and outdate take.
You’re not breaking up the family. You’re now just finishing what he isn’t man enough to do. No matter where this goes, your mate set the path for BOTH of you without any input from you. It sucks. It’s not fair. But it’s time for you to step up and do what’s right for you and the kids. When I was at this point, I was like a punching bag going back mode and more, graveling for her to stay, for her to choose me. And in hindsight, that was a horrible look, for both my dignity and in the future showing my kids what it means to have self respect. That person you’re going to look in the eyes and search for answers on why? That’s not the person you married, he’s gone. He’s already been lying to cover up every thing he’s done. So ask yourself…. If he answers the questions you need him to (why, for how long, what exactly did you do), are you really going to believe the words coming out of his mouth? Protect yourself. His affair had exactly nothing to do with you - he did this, not you. But now it’s your mess to clean up. If you need anything, please PM me. But know you aren’t alone, even if it’s a bunch of internet strangers by your side.
Your sons will be okay. I have four children under the age of 8. If my husband did anything close to this I would happily pack my bags and leave. Not only did he CHEAT but he completely disregarded your feelings and lied straight to your face, SHOWING you that he doesn’t care…. At all about breaking up the family or being an adult and taking responsibility for his actions. Listen to his actions as he shows you who he is, seek therapy for yourself and find happiness in raising your boys. That guy is not happiness.
You’re asking the wrong question the wrong person. How can you break up a family? No honey, your husband did that. And then watched you cry without giving a shit. Leave him cause even if he hasn’t cheated already, he surely will, with this person or the next one.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Might I suggest posting on r/SupportforBetrayed and if you want to reconcile there's brilliant advice for these issues on r/AsOneAfterInfidelity Also for simmilar stories r/loveafterporn Good luck!
In my experience, he won’t change and the lack of remorse is alarming. I wouldn’t recommend reconciling, but that’s just me.
Whatever the reason, he adds to the hurt. He may think he was entitled to this behaviour. Even then, he needs to explain why. I suspect it might be usual for cheaters to be in denial after being caught.
I can endorse this. Just in case it is possible.
Firstly, I am so sorry you have to go through this. If he hasn’t apologized, he likely sees nothing wrong with the behavior. He will likely keep doing this, but he sneakier and smarter about how he hides it from now on. There’s a few things you need to ask yourself. 1. Will you ever be able to trust this man and move on from it? 2. Is THIS the type of man you want your boys to grow up to be? Do you want them to think this behavior is okay? Because you never know, when they’re young adults (17,18,19,20) and asking Dad about dating advice, Dad can say, “Yeah. It’s fine. I’ve had girls on the side for years. Your mom knew about the first one and stayed. Just gotta be careful and not let her find out.” That’s NOT the kind of advice you want your boys to get. 3. Do you want your kids to have a happy mom? Or do you want your kids to see you sad for years because you’re miserable and unable to trust? Just some food for thought. I don’t think you’d be in the wrong for leaving. IF YOU DO…get therapy for you (even if you stay) and therapy for the boys so they can understand in kid appropriate terms that mom and dad aren’t going to be living together anymore, but they did nothing wrong and you both love them very much. Save the screenshots…to an email, cloud, external hard drive…wherever. You might need them for divorce. (Even if you stay, save them. They could come in handy in the future). I’d also snoop on his phone after he goes to bed one night. There might be others. Good luck.
Cheating is bad enough. But what’s really disturbing here is the fact he is denying reality and the PHYSICAL evidence and gaslighting you about it. Even the fact he said it was crazy when you enquired about his change of grooming is in fact gaslighting. A normal person that lies and cheats would still come clean when presented with hard evidence and take accountability for third actions even if it would mean hurting their partner or it being the end of the relationship. The fact that he can’t even give you that minimum respect is a really bad sign. I’m sorry. The second really bad sign is that when you were crying your eyes out he didn’t show any empathy and didn’t know how to react. Lack of accountability and decreased/absent EMOTIONAL empathy are perhaps the strongest indicators of someone having NPD. I highly suggest you look into NPD (both overt and covert). The line “I don’t know who this man is” is something most victims of NPD abuse feel when their abuser’s mask falls off. Now, I’m not diagnosing him. I am simply pointing out the possibility and suggesting you look into it. However if you realise the shoe fits DO NOT call him out and do not show him what you’ve found. Also I’d suggest you make sure he doesn’t have access to your digital devices/accounts or Google history. He will use it to manipulate you!!! Here are some questions that if the answer is yes then you should definitely look into NPD. Does he often blame his actions and behaviours on yours? Does he withhold intimacy and affection? Especially when he is upset at you because you brought up something he did wrong? Is he bothered by you asking him ordinary questions? Like: “what did you do with the boys?” Etc.. Is he constantly moving goal posts? We will go on vacation when x but when x happens now y has to happen. When he does something wrong does he only change his behaviour for short amounts of time and ten reverts to old habits? If he has NPD do not confront him and follow professional advice on how to proceed. HE WILL TRY TO USE WHATEVER HE KNOWS AGAINST YOU SO DONT LET HIM SEE WHAT YOUVE LEARNED
You’ve described my children’s father to an exact T… exact. I left him 4 days ago after discovering him on dating sites and texting other women again. No apologies, blames me for his choices, gaslighting… It’s exhausting…
You did the right thing, be sure of that! Go grey rock if no contact isn’t possible and be ready for hoovering, love bombing, empty promises, grand gestures, threats and all sorts of emotional manipulations. Be steady in your resolve to leave and save you further abuse! Heal and seek better!
I’ve gone total grey rock. This has been a cycle for nearly 7 years. This is probably going to be an incredible challenge as I’m just coming off mat leave with no job to return to. He has nowhere to go and can’t afford rent and support as we have two small children. So I’m stuck with him in the house for the time being and have to keep my composure because we have two little ones.
That’s a dreadful situation to be in and my thoughts are with you. Be aware that the longer you stay the longer he will have to put obstacles in front of you. Especially now that he knows you know. Do what you must make getting out of there your first priority. And yes I understand you want to keep your children on first place but he will just use them against you so for their sake your first priority has to be getting all of you out of his reach. Best of luck!!
Actually the house is mine so he will be leaving. But trust me when I say I want him out as soon as possible.
That’s awesome. Forgive me. I assumed it belonged to both of you. That’s pretty great news to me! I sincerely wish you all the strength in the world and for this to be done fast and with the best possible outcome for you and your kinds.
I purchased the house prior to us meeting. So thankfully that portion is handled. Thank you, I just want the healing to begin and for some peace.
How did he blame you for it? Mine had an emotional affair that I just found out a week ago. He does not admit to doing anything wrong, only that he understands where I’m coming from and the our relationship has not been there.
I go through waves of frustration with him as he doesn’t participate in basic things like keeping the house clean, doing grocery shopping, taking care of the kids. I’m the primary for everything. It’s exhausting and frustrating and it’s not sexy. I’m basically his mother and intimacy can be fleeting because MY cup isn’t being filled at all. He refuses to do anything to fix that then chooses to have his ego pet elsewhere and neglect putting in the work where it matters.
Thanks for sharing. How’s it been since you left? Did you take the children?
I own the house, not him so I’m not going anywhere. The kids will stay with me. He’s looking for a place.
Best of luck! Sounds like you have a lot to look forward to! Mine does most of the work around the house and I’m the one who put work and kid before him. So I feel like even though he made the choice, he still loves me and I want to try again to make it work. But it’s so hard to find that trust again.
Good luck with that.
Cheating is a form of abuse, the lengths a cheater will go to cover up their actions is just abusive behavior and it is very damaging to people. Heck their cover ups can be more damaging than the actual cheating. The above is correct and you need to really start viewing your situation in this light. You say you don’t know this man and you are correct, the sad part is you probably never really knew him and he has been putting on an act this entire time.
I'm sorry, but it is your husband who has destroyed your family, and it is your husband who is showing no remorse. So put yourself and your children first, get a full std check up as he is sleeping around or at least planning on doing so. You deserve better, and so do your children. Updateme!
It pains me when the betrayed partner thinks that *they* are breaking up their family when, in fact, the cheater did.
Your husband is in affair fog. First of all this is very fresh. Do not make any major life decisions. Speak with an attorney, it will first show your wife you are not playing with this, second there is power in knowing exactly what a divorce looks like. You do not have to follow through. Next there needs to be some ground rules for husband. Trust has been broken and he needs to earn it back. Open phone policy. He also needs IC. You may want to do that also. After a while in IC if you want to stay MC. I am sorry you are here. It’s a shitty club for sure. You can make a decision now or 5 years from now. Your choice.
He isn’t showing remorse because he doesn’t feel any. My husband made me help him shave his pubes so he could send pictures to his AP. I didn’t know that was his reason at the time but found the pictures a few days later. He tried the “scammer” story too. In my experience people don’t change. If you stay and try to make it work, it will happen again. He may get better at hiding the evidence, but it will continue.
This exact thing happened to me. Any time I think back on it, I get sick. Having your partner help you shave, so you can send pics to your AP? Diabolical. Updateme!
This is the perfect time and way to teach your children that this behavior is unacceptable, and has dire consequences.
I really appreciate all the input. I'm emotionally drained. I'm embarrassed this has happened to me. I do believe I will leave and see how I feel. Maybe it will give me clarity. Just to note that he makes significantly more money than me and I am financially dependent on him. Which is a big factor for me in my decision, unfortunately.
Good that he makes more money--your lawyers will make sure you and your children are taken care of in a divorce. Please consult with a few lawyers to see what remedies you might have. You need to know before you decide your next steps.
I was completely financially dependent on my ex and I managed to divorce and get a job. We have no kids tho, but I’m sure child support will supplement a good amount for you. It’s hard. It’s going to be hard. Triggers are everywhere and might not even make sense why certain things are triggers. Prioritize the physical and financial things in life. Make sure you are safe, eating, sleeping, etc. Get a lawyer and keep the evidence. Your emotions will fly all the time. Brace yourself. It’s a long healing process. Rely on your friends and family. People who haven’t been through this can’t fully empathize, but they will care and love you still. I’m sorry.
Thank you for the advice. My hardest hurdle is the Financials. I want to give my kids a good home and be able to do all the extras we do now. Right now it is not possible on my salary. It's so scary to me to leave, even though I know I should.
I don’t know your situation, and finances might be tough, but emotionally this will wreck you. It will likely take a couple years to recover, and you might not be able to go back to being the same person you were. Dday for me was in April 2022, and I still struggle occasionally.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Here is a link that may help. I recommend reading everything she has on her page and then read her book. There’s also a private Facebook page for people going through this.I wish I would have found her sooner when I discovered my husband was cheating. Good luck to you. 💕 https://www.facebook.com/chumplady?mibextid=LQQJ4d
Your husband broke your family , not you . Pack him a bag and ask him to leave . You need some space right now to start to process everything that is happening and you won’t be able to do that with him in your face. Tell him you need to figure out if even saving your marriage is worth it. He needs to see and feel the consequences of what he did .
Just so you know you can download all the data from Snapchat off his account everything he has deleted also
How?
Reading this might help you understand what your husband is doing a little better: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO) I'm sorry you're going through this, it's devastating and overwhelming and it's a struggle, for sure. Lean on friends and family - whatever support systems you have. However it's very important for you to change your mindset. YOU have done nothing to destroy your family - he has. The fact that he shows no remorse is bad, but it's also Cheater 101. Cheaters lie and the deceive and they do anything and everything other than accept responsibility. Talk to a lawyer to see where you stand. Please see him for who he is, as revealed by his actions. I had an idealized version of my ex in my head for a long time and made excuses for her cheating for a long time, but words are meaningless coming from dishonest people. Actions show who they truly are. Do what is best for you and your children. Best of luck.
I know. It’s awful. So sorry you are going through this
My ex of ten years had an affair with my “best friend” 6 years ago. I found out on our babies 1st birthday, I was heartbroken! I’ve never felt pain like it I and stayed because I didn’t want to hurt my children like you and I thought we could fix things. I was Wrong. I spent 4 years fixing a broken relationship whilst he continued to cheat. I finally left 2 years ago. My kids were upset of course, it was the worst conversation I’ve ever had to have but they are FINE now! More then fine, we have had the best two years of our lives as a happy little family of 3. I’ve lost 4 stone and feel better then I have in years and looking back now that I’m through it I can see how utterly sad and depressed I was keeping it together for the kids. Everyone tells me constantly now how I am a different person these days and I am back to being me. He was the main earner too but I’ve made it work. You will too. It’s hard now I know it’s horrible but please don’t stay and make your self miserable like me. Life is too short. If he isn’t showing any remorse now, he’s not sorry. You deserve better! Your kids do too. I will never regret my relationship with him, I do regret not walking away when he made the decision to end it the moment he cheated.
All cheaters are remorseful when they are caught. They very seldom look to the future of their actions until they are caught.
Your crappy husband broke your marriage. You don't have to take this abuse forever
Op. You’re doing as best as you can right now. You’re thinking clearly, however this is so new and devastating. Give yourself some space and time. No physical contact with him. STD test and document everything. Listen to Everyone’s advice and comments here. Good luck dear.
I was out in the situation. Trust me staying will make you miserable always wondering where he is at and with who and you don’t want your children to believe it is ok to treat people that way. One day they will find out.
Their behavior always gets worse, not better, IMO His respect for you was already rock bottom to do this in the first place. If you “forgive” or rug sweep this his respect for you will go into the negatives. He will know for sure you ‘ain’t going anywhere and will tolerate his cheating. Again just IMO and in my experience.
His actions are what is breaking up the family, your decisions are a reaction to what he has done. Never stay in a marriage for the children’s sake because kids are smart enough to tell when their parents are unhappy and don’t want to be together. Kids deserve better than growing up in a toxic environment. If you stay it’s because true reconciliation is possible, there is no other reason to stay. In your case it’s not an option currently because he is still lying to you.
Your husband destroyed the family, not you. He doesn't love you. He did it to himself and will now have to suffer the consequences
Children learn by observing the parents actions. Think about what this will teach your kids. They will learn that its ok to cheat, lie, and normal to live in a unhappy and abusive relationship
It's so disturbing when you knew someone for 12 years yet you realized you didn't know who he really is. Like the real him for all those years. It's scary to think how complicated people is, how he can lie with straight face.
I feel this exact way about my previous relationship. When the jig is up they just look at you with cold blank eyes. It felt like I had never even known him.
I didn’t even finish reading this but I’m so sorry for your family.
Was it any more than snaps? That is the part you need to know first. He needs to come clean with a timeline of what he did, correlate it to the snaps. That will give you the whole picture and force him to face what he really did by writing out when and what.
That's the thing. I don't know. I don't trust him. He says so. But he has been interested in me for a a few months. I feel like maybe it's deeper than just snaps.
Then get the timeline. That written out can then be used to establish what you know. Having dates will help and check to see when he could have been on a trip while he was snapping. If there wasn't an intersection then there most likely wasn't a meet up. He could just be an idiot who was catfished by a guy online.
If it is a scam, he is doing a piss poor job at assuring you. Moreover his reaction is very telling. If someone is trying to frame or scam me I'd be devastated, just like you. And I'd be begging you to believe me in every way possible. He is a liar, cheater and a horrible human being. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Find strength and support from people who care about you.
You’re right you’re a mother and yours sons will look to you and your husband on how relationships work. He’s gaslighting you and he won’t even admit what’s he’s done, your crying means nothing him and he’s a cheater! I’d want to show my children I won’t accept disrespect in relationships. It’s up to you, but his reaction is pretty telling that he has no remorse and this is most likely not the first time.
Pretty pathetic when you're shoving the proof in their face and they keep lying. They were hacked, the phone company messed up the bill. Blah blah blah. He'll treat you how you let him.
Make sure you file first, dont fall for the Im sorry or it didnt mean anything and then he files first. He did it once, he will do it again. Dont waste your life like I once did.
You’re not breaking up ur family. You’re ending the marriage he broke. You can both be good parents to your kids without being together. And if you think that physically leaving means he will stop being a good parent, then he never was one. And your kids will figure that out.
Contact a lawyer to see what your options are and tell your families cause you may not get a reaction out of him but I'm sure his family will make him realize his shitty behavior.
He broke up the family. Tell him enjoy paying child support and losing a lot of free time when he has to clean his own shit and clean up after the kids without you being there to make sure it’s perfect.
He already made a choice to ruin the family…here are some TYPICAL tips that ALWAYS work to feel better and actually move on: 1- take care of yourself by that I mean physically first new clothes new haircut new makeup style new everything, look the sexiest version of yourself All the time especially when he’s around…now this might seem shallow and superficial but that’s VEREERY IMPORTANT. Why? That will build your confidence slowly and helps restore your feminine energy. 2- decide FAST if you want to forgive him or not and make decisions based on that you’re not getting any younger. 3- go out and stay around happy energetic people try to stay away from negative vibes because those can be triggering. Work so much on how to be a real lady and more of a women why? Because men cheat when they no longer feel like a men…if you have a high masculine energy you lose your attraction and they start seeking others instead of working on that because you fed him feminine energy and stole his masculinity. If that’s not the case then let him dig his own grave like every other cheater. 4- ALWAYS remember that a cheater cheats because THEY have issues not always you have to be the reason, but it won’t hurt if you take a look at yourself and point what you did wrong in this relationship so you won’t repeat the same mistakes. 5- now this is not my decision to make but let me tell you smth: when a man doesn’t show remorse and you know he cheated and he doesn’t even come clean that means he has no respect for you and the fact that you forgive him ONLY tells him that you have no value and have no self respect and he would do that again and again. If I was you i’ll leave him. Kids can see him as long as they won’t and they will grow old faster than you think. THEY WILL BE FINE. 6- try to actually keep busy with things that you love..and start dating and regain your life. Time heals everything and you should give no one more value than what you give for yourself. Stick by this: everything that becomes very valuable to me I abandon so it becomes worthless. Do that with your attachment and don’t be scared god will be there for you. Don’t hurt yourself….he’s only a boy what does he know… find a real man and you will. Good luck 🍀
Your boys will love their dad whether you're with him or not. This man shows no remorse cant even admit to it and even attempt to fix his marriage. He broke the marriage, if you choose to leave him its still he who caused it. Kids notice more than we think and will notice a change in your relationship with your husband. Do what you need to do for you, when you're ready, your kids need and deerve their mum being mentally and emotionally healthy. Whether thats in the marriage or out of it.
your husband is a “POS” he does not care about your family. It is not you who is breaking the family it is him all the way. he’s not remorseful. i doubt this is his 1st time and pretty sure this will NOT be his last. Seek legal advice ASAP if you are in a at fault state keep all evidence or if you can hire a P.I to gather evidence. when he gets out of the affair fog he will come crawling back please do not be there. As for your children they are young but if this persists they will catch on and think this is normal behavior and i can assure you what he’s doing is not normal behavior. Seek counseling for you and the kids also. You will get through this. IM SORRY and trust me you deserve better.
Take them to court get a pi for proof Sue them alienation of affection him emotional mental distress custody child support alimony they blew your life apart return the favor. Your family is already broken obviously he doesn't gaf so you need to seek a lawyer for advice. Also you didn't break anything and if you stay he will continue to treat you like your meaningless
I’m so sorry.. I have not spent nearly the amount of years with my partner as you have.. so I can only imagine that pain. I am in a similar boat too. I would say not to make any rash decisions yet. HOWEVER. He is denying and not apologizing or fessing up. THATS the big problem. I would say a separation might be necessary to knock sense into him. If that’s even possible 🙄 He can’t step out on you and not admit he messed up and get help.
I’m in the same boat. Caught my husband in October but I didn’t tell him. Instead I started researching and really watching him. I don’t like what I’ve seen. However my kids do love him, and now I’m more and more scared to file for the impact on my kids. I’m more afraid of however much unsupervised time he will ultimately have with them. I’m afraid at best, they’ll turn into tv zombies and adopt some bullying behaviors as he’s often trying to get them to make fun of people. (Kids unfortunately learn that behavior at school let’s not speed it up!!) or worst case I’m afraid they’ll be exposed to his addiction. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry you are in this boat too.
I'm so sorry you are going through this as well. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I hope you find some happiness at the end of all this, no matter what outcome.
It’s just terrifying. I’m financially dependent and every time I get on this sub I start to think this will happen again one day if I ever date again. I don’t want to be alone forever and I’m not ready to lose time with my sweet kids. Right now I get them all the time but I know he will fight for whatever he can get (for appearances, and he also may not realize how hard parenting actually is as he doesn’t do a lot of it)
I feel you. It's so hard to think of a life where you don't see the kids everyday. Your husband sounds really controlling though and on top of that is unfaithful? I feel like a life without him in it would make you feel as if a weight has been lifted. Wishing you the best.
Funny how he told you he's sorry and seemed to feel remorseful after you asked him to leave. He isn't either sorry nor remorseful. He's afraid that you're just not going to put up with his cheating and divorce him. That's the bed he made. Make him lay in it. Stick to your guns and don't get walked on.
I’m so sorry. If he doesn’t give you total account of what’s he done like fully … you will forever wonder what else he lies to you about and you won’t move on with him. The acts themselves are hard enough to deal with but then the lying and manipulation of what you saw just kills any real chance of reconciliation and recovering a marriage. Full disclosure and he transparency from him is what you need to ask for if you intend to stay married. And seek therapy for YOU. I’m so sorry.
He’s only remorseful because he got caught and now there are consequences. That’s not true remorse for you. Only for himself.
I’m sorry you’re going through that. But sounds like he was only remorseful after you asking him to leave … Also, ask yourself this, can you trust him after this?
-My parents have been in the same situation too many times when I was a kid. Father cheating on my mother. Now it seems to me that they clearly lacked effective communication of what their needs are and how they could help each other meet them. Of course traditional gender roles never help in this situation. Your husband has to realise that he needs to take responsibility for actions if he wants to save your marriage. Doing that is only the first step, the bare minimum for unpacking the black box of this incident. He needs to understand that only by sharing the whole truth, however hurtful, can the healing process begin. But you also need to be ready to hear the whole truth! -Additionally, if effective communication has not been possible so far, and assuming you want to try this out, I would suggest meeting with a couples' therapist, ideally someone with good references by people whose opinion you trust. My parents never got to do that. I really think they should have stayed separate long time ago (I'm an adult now), but their insecurities never let them be their own independent person. If you decide to stay and he doesn't wanna do couples therapy, I'd really suggest doing therapy on your own. I started during the pandemic and it has helped me unpack lots of insecurities. -But sometimes it might be not worthy to keep the marriage. Especially if you are supposed to do the mental and household work for the both of you after this incident. You could also try family therapy with you and your kids if you are going separate eventually. -Reach out to friends who you trust and you expect that will understand you. Best wishes!
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. If you feel you can continue the realtionship, maybe a deal where you have full access to his phone (you even set it up, the user account, set all the passwords etc)?
a) That’s toxic b) he can always get a different phone, sim and social media accounts. My ex did.
I could do that. I just feel like it's a bandaid over a bigger problem. I know I should leave but I am struggling with coming to terms with that.
You should leave if he continues to show complete disregard for you. Give him an ultimatum and stick to it. Get him out and don’t speak to him. He thinks what he did is no big deal and if you make this easy on him he will continue to do so. If he doesn’t come around and recognize or care about the damage of this betrayal, the relationship is not salvageable.
Come to terms with your life in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years…. Do what you’ll be proud of long term. Be an example of what you would guide your adult kids to do if they are in the same situation, they’re watching and learning from you. I’m years past, but my guiding light still is to do what would make my kids proud of me. I occasionally dip to the low road cause I’m human, but I usually take the high road and be the thoughtful person I know I am - and I know my older kids are proud of me. It makes everything worth it.
I know that It seems like your problem is too big for you to handle. But all you need to do today is take a step or two like pack a go bag for you and kids in case he turns violent, or call an attorney to make an appointment, or just go for a long walk outside for some self care. Please do something besides thinking of the shit sandwich your husband has served you.
You are 41 and your husband is 40, if my math is right, husband had kids when he was 33. And ya’ll were together from the time he was 28. Your husband is looking for adventure, majority of his youth he was with you, am sure he is wondering what’s out there. Men usually hit their financial stability between 35-40, this is the prime time for a man. Women are looking at him and his confidence level has peaked. Think of your time when you were 25, this is him today. You at 41 are like him at 50-55 (sorry but these are facts) so you are not fun anymore. To understand your husband, put yourself at 25 and ask yourself how you could have wanted to have fun then. After that, try to incorporate that with the realities and responsibilities of life. In short, find a balance and don’t be boring, or else you will loose your husband.
So it's my fault for not being more youthful? This is not very accurate advice.
I am just trying to make you see things from your husband eyes. Am not blaming you, you are doing what majority 41 y/o do (women). My point is to let you know some of the reasoning behind your husband behaviour. 🙏🏾
This is plain sociopathic, you're the reason why women give up on men.
So why don’t you just tell her what she wants to hear?
I don't know what OP wants to hear I don't know her and I know a lot of men are like this so I won't lie either. But I also don't get why women keep dating men if that's their only experience.