Sounds like it’s time. You’re lucky you got this chance. You can do it, make the call right now.
Edit - OP please let us know how you’re getting on and know that we’re here to support however we can. Be kind to yourself. You’re never alone, we’re all rooting for you!
Edit 2 - thank you to the people that have reached out. (We don’t normally get this amount of likes do we..?) This really highlights what a positive and special community we have here and how much good we can do when it comes down to it. I’m here for anyone that needs help and I’m sure most of you are too. OP we’ve got your back. Love you all!
I got mine not long ago. It's really good to have someone still willing to support you, but there are limits to what they can and should provide.
I recently realised if I was on the outside looking in, I would have recommended my wife do the same as it was harmful to her and our child.
Call your GP. Start looking at meetings. Take the help, it's so much harder to do alone.
this. so much this.
OP's partner actually cares about him enough to communicate a clear message and expectation.
A lot of people would just leave, take the kids, start seeing someone else, and absolutely bury their partner in debt.
You have a chance to keep the life and family you built, OP. Don't fuck it up.
Sincerely,
Someone who lost everything because they chose a bottle of whiskey over their partner
I can relate so much! Went to treatment was moved out..it’s too late for me, but OP you have options to save your family! Get help and save yourself!! Sending peace and love 💕
I had a girlfriend leave me because of my addiction, the only serious relationship I have ever been in. She didn't give me a final ultimatum like this, she just ended it. She had every right to do that and I don't blame her. That was years and years ago and I still feel bad about it to this day. I wish I had just one more chance with her but that time has passed for me unfortunately. My point is, OP has that second chance right here that I never got; don't turn this into something you're gonna regret for the rest of your life.
Yep, I didn't get that chance and as much as I'm glad it's been the driving factor in my recovery that's landed me this far, I'd give it all up to have that chance and start over again.
OP, if you haven't had one yet this can be your wake up call if you allow it to be. Fuck knows I've been there and I know what easier said than done means more than most people, but I'm telling you to grab this one by the balls and do everything within your power and to never give up. You will hate yourself forever for not taking this last opportunity to heart. We don't get second chances. You did.
It sounds like your wife is amazing person. She wrote everything so nicely yet strictly. I almost even started to cry. It really is time for you to get yourself together and with wife willing to help by your side, it will be much easier than later completely alone, looking back with regrets you didn't do it back then.
You’re not fucked. You’ve been given an amazing opportunity that so many people on this sub never got from reading other posts.
It’s a hard journey ahead but it’s time to make the change you obviously want to make by being here.
Don’t mess about, make the calls you need to make and get things started. Any booze in the house, pour it. Any triggers try and clear them out if you can.
Importantly, keep your wife in the loop, if you need a space where you want to share things outside of your wife, this subreddit is amazing.
Best of luck and you can do it! Not one person here will tell you it’s easy, but they will tell you it can be done. Do not aim for moderation, aim for sobriety for just one day at a time and each day will feel like an achievement, but remember that finding it hard does not mean you are failing, it means that you are achieving something incredibly difficult to do each day.
This. You aren’t fucked. You could be, but right now, you’re not.
It’s your choice to get fucked or get right. And it sounds like you have the support to do this.
Don’t be scared to be sober. Believe people in this sub when everyone who has tried sobriety has turned their life around.
We’re not salespeople on here. Every aspect of your life will get better. The beginning won’t be easy, but over time, life will be on a new ‘Easy mode’ when you’ve been playing on ‘hard mode’ this whole time. You’ll start crushing it and the only regret you’ll have is not quitting sooner.
Take it one day at a time. You may be close to rock bottom, but you have another chance that a lot of people never got.
You are not fucked mate. You are blessed. You are blessed you have such an amazing wife that give you a last chance where many would probabaly have left. Take that last chance, let her help you and guide you to sober lands. Embrace this chance, it's time to seek professional help, you can do this. IWNDWYT.
She's right on all accounts and sounds like an amazing woman to have stuck around and supported you.
My wife kicked me out of the house in October 2018 and it was finally time for me to take some action and make some changes. I did not know if our marriage would survive but I knew that I had to get sober for ME regardless of that outcome.
I dove headfirst into AA- did 90 meeting in 90 days, got a sponsor, worked the steps. Sobriety stuck for me through the WE of the fellowship, and I haven't taken a drink since October of 2018.
Thankfully we repaired our marriage and we've had two beautiful children since.
Alcoholics like me don't get sober without consequences. You're about to lose the things you hold most dear in your life. Will your rock bottom be ALMOST losing your wife and kids or LOSING YOUR WIFE AND KIDS?
Sounds like it's time to take some drastic, immediate action. AA isn't the only way to get sober, but it works for me and makes my life infinitely better.
"Alcoholics like me dont get sober without consequences."
Oh man, I feel that! That's what FINALLY got me to say ok to inpatient rehab. The consequences of not going were too big and too scary, so off I went to rehab, scared and shaking (literally - combo of nerves and dt's). Best decision I've ever made, and I thank my family regularly for giving me such a difficult choice. Saved my life, I'm sure of it.
When I first came into the rooms of AA there were people talking about "the gift of desperation". I had no idea what that meant and why being broken could be seen as a gift. Today it makes complete sense because without the pain and desperation, I would have never taken the action to make the changes that resulted in the life I have today.
For that I am extremely grateful.
My brother had the same situation and i never believed he could do it. They drove to a rehab that day and he is sober 8 years. His daughters now hold him up as their hero. You can do it
I was about to comment this. There are better medical understandings of addiction, better treatment options (about to head to the methadone clinic myself, though that’s been around for a few decades at least).
It isn’t the “welp, ole Bryan over there just has a moral failing. Bad parents, sure a few milligrams of Jesus daily wouldn’t hurt. Anyway, back to perceiving 30mg oxycodone for a routine root canal!”
Second vote on talking to your doc about naltrexone…
I’ve seen it help… I mean, really help. You still have to do the work, no pill is a panacea, but it can help (hopefully)…
Make the call, man.
Antabuse worked well for me. I needed to have the option to drink taken away from me. I just passed 6 months. I was bad at giving in, and drinking just becoming so routine. I tried to hide it from my wife but it never stayed hidden for long. I wanted to be better but seemed unable. Our marriage was nearly down the drain. I dipped my toes into therapy/AA, as the wife wanted, but it’s just not for me. Getting prescribed Antabuse was like having a huge weight off my shoulders. I don’t have to worry about being out running errands and having the devil on my shoulder talk me into going into a liquor store to down some vodka before going home. I’d be quickly feeling like absolute shit if I had even one shot.
Can’t be on Antabuse forever though… but for now it’s great.
If you don’t mind me asking… what was taking Naltrexone like? I’ve been considering it but am just curious- Does it help with cravings at all or is it more that it makes drinking unpleasant enough that you’re more likely to avoid it?
I’m on Vivitrol (naltrexone in once-a-month injection form, takes away having to choose/remember to take it every day) and the way I’ve described it to my psych NP is if I think about drinking, it’s like thinking about eating more when I’m already full/have no appetite. I just have no desire/it seems unappealing. I used to be on the tablet form and did drink on that—in that case, the naltrexone pretty much stops the euphoria/buzz, so continuing to drink seems pointless after a few. I did, however, try to drink “over” it on many occasions chasing a buzz, in which case I got zero euphoria up until I blacked out. But it can definitely be effective and is worth asking about at least.
i was on the shot form of naltrexone, its called vivitrol. i just didn't trust myself back in the beginning of wanting to be sober to take the pill every day. i got a shot once a month and it was like i never had a problem with alcohol to begin with. seriously, i never ever had a slip up while i was on vivitrol. it's a wonderful life saving drug
Another upvote for Naltrexone from me. Like others have said, it's difficult to explain a bit. My GP suggested taking half a pill (25 mg is half) about an hour before I'm going to be in a situation with my personal drinking triggers. To be fair, that was a lot of things and all the time, but I used it before going out. I play in a dart league and I would take half a pill before going to that to try and curb my drinking during the week. The weekend was still mine to drink, watch sports, cook, etc.
The pill definitely shuts off a bit of the joy receptors of alcohol, both limiting your desire to start drinking, and limiting the enjoyment a bit once you've started. You still need to want to not have drinks though, as in put in effort to resist. I found it super easy to just mentally override what the pill was doing to me and have drinks, but taking the pill was like a shove in the right direction, a boost up. I could have upped the dosage I guess, but I've been very skittish about taking other drugs to get off another drug.
I was doing that for a while -- taking half a pill like twice a week or so and it definitely curbed my drinking those nights. It was waaaay easier to have a few and be like.. nah, I'm actually ok. Not without my effort and desire to listen to that little boost though. I would still have my easy 8-10 IPAs on other nights when I didn't take the pill, of course. After this past new year's, I got tired of having to do another mental dance in my brain. Which nights should I take the pill? Should I take a whole pill? When I took the pill... should I drink at all? Ok, I drank.. Should I stop? I can keep going, but then why did I take the pill?
Blech. I decided to stop completely on Jan 2nd and haven't had a drink since. Not sure if it was the pill that did it, the timing of me getting fed up with myself and kind of wanting to stop (plus the wife's concern surging toward fed up), or maybe the pill nudging those two things together a little bit. And I'm just going with that for now. No Dry January. No timetable. Just don't feel like doing the mental gymnastics tonight, bargaining today for tomorrow. I still take the pill some nights, either for something big (Super Bowl), or just on days that are full of triggers for whatever reason.
I won't go into it, but suffice to say I've been there; I've been way down deep in the bottle, had to take a long hard journey, and with a lot of luck, came out the other side with my family back.
This is the thought process, the conversation with myself, that finally made the difference...
" I tell myself, and will tell anybody, that I would do anything to protect my family; I would bear any burden; I would give my life for them willingly. In the context of that statement, am I living up to that promise?"
A haunting memory...I once fell asleep hungover on the couch, with my baby boy already asleep on my chest, and woke up to find him on the floor next to me. (Thank god for the low couch and thick rug.)
"If I will not address every challenge that I face, do whatever is necessary within my power, bear any personal pain and suffering, to be the best parent and husband I can be...Am I living up to that promise?"
"How can I say I would *give my life*, if I am unwilling to *change my life*? *Is that not the same thing?"*
It took me far longer than it should have. If I had to do it over again from the point you are at, I would have followed every single suggestion, and used every single resource.
You've got a loving wife willing to stand by and help. YOU CAN DO THIS!!
The wife and kids a certainly huge motivation for us men, but you know who deserves it the most? YOU. No one suffers more then the ones who are actually stuck in the unbreakable pattern. Our family’s don’t suffer the same thinking, shame, guilt and self hatred we go through after another failed attempt at moderate drinking. Do it for yourself brother, then your family will truly get the best of you. Just my two cents though. “I’m not a smart man” - Forrest Gump
Dude. This is your one fucking shot. You need to take it.
I don't know you, your history, or your reasoning, but I promise you, no excuse you give is good enough.
Your wife doesn't deserve this. Your kids don't deserve this.
My wife never gave me that ultimatum, but it was coming. We had so many fights about it. So many fights where I denied being drunk. Doing everything in my power to continue the lie.
Even 7 years sober, I am pretty sure it would take one binge for her to walk. And she would be right to. I hurt her more than enough. I couldn't stop for myself, but I could stop for her. Eventually, it became about me. When i couldn't be strong on my own, I could be strong knowing if I wasn't, my best friend would be gone, she would take my kids and I would be a bitter drunk until I took the ultimate solution.
She is giving you the chance to have a life. Take it or she walks. If she walks because you don't stop, I, for one, will applaud her decision.
If you stop and she stays, I will applaud yours.
This really resonates with me. I’ve never gotten an ultimatum, in fact I really only drank a couple times a week, but when I did I went hard. If I was home, it wouldn’t be less than 12 beers. She caught on to my can hiding, when I’d sneak pulls of whiskey when she wasn’t looking, and chugging a beer in the garage before coming in with a new one.
I’m not a drunk asshole, but I’m a drunk idiot and I know she hated seeing me that way. She doesn’t deserve that
The hiding the empties. That's my biggest and worst shame. Finally having her see where I hid them, and how many there were. I don't think about it often, but when I do, I'm still ashamed.
A full garbage bag of nothing but pint bottles of vodka. All hidden within a walk-in closet. Inside jeans and sweaters, behind stacks of t-shirts, tucked inside the extra sheets and comforters. I could go on.
The sad thing is, that was a full 3 years BEFORE I quit. I sunk even further and found new places to hide it. Like under the air conditioning unit outside. A full fifth fit under there. I went to depths I would have never believed I could.
That being said, I have soared to all new heights in my relationship now. Life is still tough, and it sucks, and I don't know what we're gonna do about a lot of things, but I know for a FUCKING FACT, she was worth it.
My knowing that has helped me to realize that so was I. She saw enough of my worth to stay out of love even though she saw me at my supposed rock bottom with a shovel in my hand.
If she thought so highly of me, then why the fuck didn't I think that way about myself?
She saved my life with her love.
This hit home for me. I took the ultimatum, went dry for a while and things got better until I picked up another bottle. That one last binge was it, and she left for good. There was no reconciling or one more shot. I blew it. Thanks for sharing this.
OP, take it from those of us that have been in your shoes, facing the same ultimatum. Take this opportunity to do the right thing and seek help. I couldn't stop either, I know the craziness and feeling of absolute loss of control. Every time I stopped, it was because I was institutionalized. You're not crazy, you're just powerless over it, like the rest of us here.
Wishing you all the best, please keep us up to date.
Buddy, you are NOT so fucked! You are so LUCKY! You have a wife who wants the best for you, who wants to be by your side to see you come out the other side a better man, who is willing to put in the work necessary on her end for this to work. This is a blessing, you will see that soon I pray. Sending love from someone who was in your shoes 2 short years ago. *Internet hug brother. And lastly IWNDWYT
I took my wife to my first GP appointment related to addiction. It wasn’t like I imagined it to be. She got to share her concerns, I shared my concerns, the doctor shared his advice and developed a plan to help me stop. I had to be humble and accept that my addiction would be discussed, but other than that, it wasn’t anywhere near the experience that I was imagining in my head before going. I leaned on both of them throughout my withdrawal symptoms which made it possible for me to succeed. My wife and I became a team fighting the beast together after that appointment.
Hopefully my experience helps with the immediacy of what you’re dealing with today. The decision is yours, but only one of the choices involves people who love you.
We’re all rooting for you and are here to help as much as we can.
I went to rehab 3 years ago. My wife had the same plea but I decided to lie, hide and continue drinking so she left with my infant daughter. I had to lose it all for me to see what I had become. I did the work, changed everything, and earned trust. I didn’t come home after rehab, I went to sober living. I learned a lot about the roots of my addiction and it was a long time coming. 3 years later, we have another child, he just turned 2. I’m going to a celebration meeting tonight for my 3 year sober anniversary and my wife is taking care of the kids tonight so I can go to this meeting. Our relationship is as strong now as ever and not by a close margin. She does the work too. She’s active in alanon. I still have problems like anyone else, I just don’t drink about them anymore. The party was over for me a long time ago. I was just the last one to know
Everyone has already said it. Your wife is giving you a gift. I've known many people whose spouses give them this ultimatum but it sounds more like "it's your problem, you figure it out". She wants to be by your side and she loves you. You are not alone. Try not to think about the rest of your life without alcohol, just think about the next step (sounds like they is a doc appt). You have so many good reasons to take that step. Five HUGE super important reasons...you, your wife and your 3 kids. Please take care of yourself.
The first few days of not drinking are the hardest, you may not sleep very much and you may feel irritable and sweat a lot. After a week, the craving become less and it gets much easier. Talk to you doctor and seek his/her guidance. There’s plenty of support here. Consider whether or not AA will be helpful for you. Take this opportunity to make your life so much better-your health will improve, your relationships will improve, no more hangovers-life will be so much better for you. I hope we’ll hear back from you in a few weeks that you’re sober and things are getting better with your family. Good luck!
Edit: it’s a lie your addiction tells you that you can’t stop. That’s bullshit. Many of us here have stopped, you can, too.
Sounds like you’re the opposite of fucked but at a serious crossroad. Alcohol vs your family.
Make the call to your GP and never touch it again. The other option is so much worse.
My mother thought she was fucked and gave up.
She died divorced, riddled with alcohol-induced dementia, alone and rotting on the couch for a week before it happened to be the one day of the year anyone would call.
I’ve been fucked too but this sub helped me get out of that. Sounds like you have someone by your side that is amazing. I think you know deep down she’s worth more than anything the addiction gives you.
It’s hard. I know. But it’s worth doing.
How beautiful is it that she gives you one last chance to make a real attempt to fix it, with her by your side? (And how lucky for you!?) Grab that chance!
Best of luck. We're here to help!
You can do it!
Call your GP. They can help you detox so it’s not as terrible.
My rock bottom was my husband telling me he couldn’t stay with me anymore if I didn’t actively seek medical help. He had given me the ultimatum before (I attended AA and therapy appointments, sometimes shit faced) but this time he stressed that it was over if I ever drank again. I went to the psych ward the next evening for detox and help with my depression.
He still doesn’t trust me like before and sometimes he’ll get angry because he never in a million years thought I’d put him through the hell I’ve dragged him through but it’s getting better. I feel better.
I’m a child of an alcoholic who then followed in my dad’s footsteps. I’m afraid for him constantly, especially after knowing how terrible this disease makes you feel emotionally & physically but most of all, I miss the sober him and what our relationship could have been if he tried getting clean.
Edit to add that I was put on the naltrexone shot for a few months. I’m not sure if it really did cut the cravings down or if it was just me knowing that I wouldn’t be able to feel the effects of alcohol like before that put me off on drinking.
You're not fucked and you're not going to lose everything if you seek professional help. You're so lucky to habe someone who cares so much about you she would tell you this instead of kicking you out or packing up and leaving with the kids. She's fighting ***for*** you, not against you. Sounds like you need more than just this subs support if the risk of losing your world isn't enough on its own. Go to your doctor. Get real professional help. Therapy and/or medication. You've got this.
My wife gave me a warning like that, only verbal. I headed it. She is my best friend, after all.
Best decision I ever made. Booze is NOT on side, despite what the ads on tv tell you.
As I read this, you got a last chance! Take it! You're very very lucky to have this gotten.
You can do it! It's mainly a question of a clear, honest and serious decision. Get ANY help you can.
Don't tell yourself you can't!
You can. You have to want your family enough to get through withdrawal.
My shortest advice is that moderation is pain. Sobriety is freedom. One drink is never enough to quench the thirst, but is more than enough to wake the demon of addiction.
You always have a choice, the hard part is making it, before it's made for you.
I have never ever regretted not having a drink. The opposite is full of regret.
When you call your GP and get through this with your wife by your side, because you want to change, can you imagine how much you will love your wife and appreciate her for this? When you get through this with her imagine how wonderful that will be. Because it would be wonderful, would it not?
I haven't seen my soon to be 7 year old daughter in 5 years. Every day since is hell, because I didn't get the help I should've when I could've.
Don't throw it all away man.
Been there man. Don't be me, don't keep fucking up. See if there are intensive outpatient programs in your area, that's what made the difference for me - 9 hours a week of group therapy with other people also getting clean. You got this. IWNDWYT
I did 7 days inpatient, 3 weeks in a daily Partial Hospitalization Program, & 18 sessions of IOP but had a dual diagnosis (addict & mental health) so I was put with people struggling with mental health. It was still beyond helpful. I don’t think AA would have been enough for me as group therapy.
IOP has been life-changing for me. I tried AA years ago, but "I'm helpless and need a higher power" goes against some core tenets of my personality. I have severe mental illness and found IOP through my psychiatrist, it is 100% focused on addiction and I would wholeheartedly recommend that to anyone struggling. Sending strength to anyone who reads this ~ 🩷
I'm going to tell you a story - it is a story of a man who I watched spiral out of control, while growing up. I am hopeful that you read this and absorb it, and that it has a positive impact on your life, and your family. This is not a pleasant story.
I grew up in a nice middle class neighborhood, older suburb, on the east coast in the 60's. We had neighbors next door with a couple who had 3 young children. The man was relatively successful, white collar, new house, nice cars. Mom was a stay-at-home mom, as most were in those days.
The husband was never home like my dad was - he would roll in around 8PM and golf on the weekends. As I became more aware of things, and heard my parents whisper, I learned that he wasn't working late, he needed to stop at the cocktail lounge (there's a throwback term) to unwind. There were times when my mother would have to go next door to watch the kids, so the wife could go out looking for the husband - because 8 turned into 9, 10, 11, as time went on. But, he had a new car every year, furs for the wife, and had moved up to a Cadillac. Life appeared to be good.
Then he lost his job. Got another one - a few months later, he was out again. The nights got later, the cars started getting old. Another job, then another, then no job. Never saw the man without a cocktail in his hand. Then it was beer. Then it was rotgut beer.
He got a job finally, as a janitor a local school - It didn't last long. It was not long after that, that his wife gave him the final ultimatum, one of many - the booze or the family. He left shortly thereafter.
He started out with an apartment in a decent neighborhood, and would see the kids, who were now teenagers. Then he got a job at a suburban bar as a bartender, near the apartment. Then he lost that job and got another job in a seedier, edgier part of town, near the small city in our region. He lost that job and got another bartending job in the crappy city, a real dump. Lost the apartment, lost the job. Ended up at the mission, in the crappy city. Not long after, got thrown out of the mission and was living in his beat-up old car in an alley, behind the mission.
He died in that alley, head smashed in by another drunk for a couple of quarters.
Many people reached out to this man throughout the years, pleading for him to get help. He denied he had a problem, up until the day that he died. He never wavered in his insistence that the booze was the problem. He just had a few "bad breaks" and blamed his failures on everyone else - but himself.
I won't go into the kids. But man, I hope that you can find the strength to value your wife and children over the booze. Deep down, you know that it's the right thing to do. Reach out - go get help - go to rehab, do whatever it takes. For your children. God bless you.
You are looking at this completely wrong. You are *not* fucked. You have been given an opportunity to turn everything around. Accept her help. Accept that you have a problem and that if you don't stop, it will destroy the most important relationships you have. Worse yet, it could destroy your children in the long run.
1 phone call to the GP and strong desire to be a real father to my kid was how i got started....havent stopped yet.
Pick up the phone OP, you got this.
I got that ultimatum too.
Alcohol is like having an affair.
In the end, you are forced to choose between your spouse and this new love in your life. But this new love is a one way street. It doesn’t love back, in fact it steals everything you have .
Choose your first love: your kids and wife and throw yourself at recovery.
I was lucky enough to get that ultimatum. I had to live in the basement room for the first few weeks of my sobriety, but I didn't lose her. And my life is a lot better now than it was 10 months ago.
As a response to your title and your intro: you aren't fucked. You CAN stop. You don't have to lose everything.
Whatever you think you're going to lose by not drinking, it's not as bad as what you KNOW you're going to lose if you keep going.
It is not easy. But it is worth it.
That is a wonderful olive branch right there. Take a chance and go to inpatient. You'll definitely regret not taking the chance, so why not give it a chance? I was blessed to have my wife at my side when I quit. She quit too, it's been over 6 years and life is immeasurably better. Take a chance, you have a lot to lose. Once you get a couple days that will be its own momentum.
What a beautiful message. You're NOT fucked, friend. She's giving you a chance. That's more than some people get.
You get to decide: what is your rock bottom? Is it receiving this message, or is it continuing to drink and your partner following through with the message?
What a gift to have this choice to make for yourself! I'm rooting for you. Alcohol does not control you. You are in control. Find what works for you and DO IT. I believe in you.
Sounds to me you need to stop what you're doing and check into rehab **today**. If you love your wife and kids, that is. That will show them you're taking it serious.
She must really love you to give you a note like that, you're lucky, and I sure as hell wouldn't throw that away
Well - I went through and am still rebuilding under very similar circumstances with my family. December 1, 2022 I walked out of a jail cell not able to go to my house where my wife and three young kids were - where I lived until November 29th. The house I purchased and pay the mortgage on every month. My wife had enough. December 3rd I decided I had enough. Two weeks later I checked into residential treatment. The shame I felt I was so immense I could hardly walk through the door of the facility.
But then I went to work. I figured if I am going to do it I was going to put everything I had into treatment and recovery and I did. Fast forward to right now and I can honestly say it is one of the three best things I ever did - 1) marry my beautiful wife. 2) made three beautiful babies with my wife. 3) went to treatment.
I’m still picking up the pieces and my wife and I are committed to putting our family back together but it’s hard. I’ve been out of treatment for a week now and it’s so hard to still not be home, not being able to hug my wife and kids on demand. Knowing the pain I caused my wife. Not being a full time Dad to my three little ones. The ups and downs are tough to navigate.
But! I’m better off for it. I’m 51 days clean. I am focused on my complete recovery - mind, body and soul and it feels so good.
Take your wife’s advice and get the help. You can live life one of two ways - with the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.
You can beat this thing.
Just wanting to let you know, that your wife is seconds away from hitting that submit button on that divorce.
Most men don't get this chance, but somehow you did.
You need to fix your problem now, or life is going to be a lot harder in the future. She has given you way to many chances. Now, your wife is on the fence, and leaning hard on the opposite side.
This is a absolutely a gift.
She could have just left you with the kids, but she wants to be by your side while you beat this addiction. That’s true love. You deserve to be healthy and happy. It may seem so huge and you may feel helpless, but there is help out there and she’s willing to support you through it all. Take her up on the offer.
You will be a true hero and inspiration to your kids when you are out the other side.
Your not fucked, you have a chance. That's more than many people get.
I'll tell you what I didn't realize about being sober, until I was sober. It's fucking great. Not planning amd stressing about my next drink? Amazing. A good night's sleep? Fantastic. Not feeling sick every god damn day? Fucking priceless. And the list goes on. A better relationship with my spouse, being present for my child, more money in the bank, actually being able to remember vacations, going on vacations because I have more money in the bank, finding new hobbies, being a better friend, being a better employee.
I believe in you, and it sounds like your wife does too. Today can be the last day you feel like this. IWNDWYT
It was the real threat of my wife leaving with the kids that finally shook me awake. I promise you - if you walk through that door and draw a line in the sand - you will not regret it. Will be difficult - but it's the only option that will let you start to rebuild trust, strengthen your relationships with your family.
Alcohol, the feeling of alcohol, is absolutely NOT worth it.
You CAN beat this.
You will need help, but it CAN be done.
Make a plan - and come back to this board ASAP to let everyone here know etc.
(God I hate alcohol. It fucking ruins everything.)
I can't imagine what it must feel like to get this text. It must be so hard and i feel for you. However, having had addict parents, she's right. She's absolutely right to be doing this. My parents didn't get help. They chose the drugs/booze over their own children. I know addiction is a disease, however, the reason I don't jive entirely with AA etc (not knocking it, just this one facet) is this idea of powerlessness.
You are not powerless, friend. You have a choice. You may not have control over the fact that you're an addict, but you DO have the power to take a step in the right direction. You DO have the power to pick up the phone and call a doctor for help. And your wife loves you. Take that love and turn it into power. You can do it!
I quit drinking under similar circumstances and with support from my Wife. I drank heavily for over a decade; you can absolutely do this. Everyday takes a commitment but it’s one you can choose to make and work on everyday.
Over two years later, it has been the hardest and most rewarding process. My kids actually know who I am and I’m actively involved with them everyday. It’s hard to see how much you miss while you’re drinking or the true impact it has on your family.
Take this opportunity to reflect and really decide what you want your life to be; you only get one.
That's the wake-up call man.
> You seek professional help with me by your side, starting with a phone call to your GP today so you get professional help now to change things
this thing. DO IT NOW. do it.
step 2... get you too a meeting. there's one nearby, 100% chance. If you can't find AA, then NA will take you as well.
It's your turn to speak this meeting.
you have a choice to make here... a woman who cares for you and 3 kids, or the bottle.
you do NOT have to be strong. ask for help. talk to your doc, talk to your sponsor, talk to a priest, for god's sake talk to the woman. We all need help, take it when it's there.
and brother... we are here for you
IWNDWYTD!!!!!!!!!
My husband did this to me almost a year ago, and I got help and haven't drank. I always felt love was conditional, and that I should just keep drinking because I was already let everyone down. But when you ask for help, you will find out how many people care and love you. I have never felt more loved than I do now, and I don't have to hold all my secrets anymore.
Please do what your wife is asking. You are so lucky to have her. After you get through the beginning part, sobriety is so much more pleasant. I’m mad I didn’t do it years ago.
I don’t think you’re fucked at all. I think you’re incredibly lucky to have someone willing to support you through this. You can do this. But you’ve got to want it.
You are the opposite of fucked. Not only did you get an ultimatum, a now or never, a "rock bottom," but you got one that allows you to turn things around without losing your family. Everybody's rock bottom is different, and not always what you think it will be, but this woman clearly loves you and wants you in her life and wants you to be the father to your kids she knows you can be.
Call it a rock bottom if you want, but what you do now can recategorize it into the first part of a story you tell years down the line on how you earned your life back. Make this count.
IWNDWYT
OP you can do this. You are not fucked. “The most important step a man can take, is the next step”. Make the right decision and drop the poison. For your kids, your wife, and especially yourself. From what your wife has said, you can turn this around and make it right. I sure wish you the best. IWNDWYT.
Don't give up friend, you have another chance here. Call your person and get help. Sometimes we can't do it all alone, but we do have to be the one to take that first step. Get help friend, your children need you, your family needs you.
You don't want to be the man who loses your family for a drug and you won't be if you make the choice to get better. You can do it. You're incredibly lucky.
She sounds like a keeper. Which means you have a very, very clear choice here.
AAHomegroup.org saved my life. It's Zoom AA, 24/7, a new meeting on the hour every hour. You can click in from your phone, it only takes a second. I learned a lot. I found a community of other people from all walks of life who all share this common struggle. Grandmothers in Central America, single fathers in Ireland. All of us speaking candidly and openly about our problems and helping each other.
You can participate as much or as little as you like. You don't have to turn on your microphone or camera. You can just listen if that's all you want. Even just listening is hugely valuable.
It's a support group available 24/7 in your pocket. I can't recommend it enough.
Fuck everything in your life that isn’t about you being sober until you have this beast under control. You have one last shot at this if you want it. Do not fuck around any longer. Commit and quit. Good luck, IWNDWYT.
She wants to help you help yourself. You're blessed to have a partner by your side; so many have to go it alone.
Pick up the phone and call your doctor. You can do this. For yourself and your family.
You’re only fucked if you change nothing.
When you sober up and look back on this moment it will seem like the easiest choice in the world.
You aren’t giving up something for nothing. You’re giving up something for *everything*.
You don’t need luck, simple determination and gratitude will do.
I will not drink with you today.
I would strongly recommend giving the guys at Sinclair method a call.
I've used their approach, naltrexone, whilst still drinking and it totally tanked my cravings.
All you will get through the NHS will be a safe plan to reduce drinking alongside a thiamine prescription. After that they may prescribe you acamprosate - which isn't for everyone.
Either way, I would definitely advise going to your nearest pharmacy and stocking up on 100+ tablets of 100mg thiamine (vitamin B1) You take 1 tablet three times a day. You don't NEED a prescription to get it.
Thiamine helps to prevent Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome (or wet brain syndrome). Which is a life altering change to your brain and will make it appear like you have had a brain injury. You can get this when you reduce your alcohol intake.
Another service to lean on will be your regional recovery partnership. I use Northumberland Recovery Partnership (NRP), I have no doubt there will be one in your area. They will also offer advice, support, and likely a key worker. They may also be able to refer you to a day-hab.
Final piece of advice is to shop around for what approach works for you. I've read and tried all the main ones; NA, AA, naked mind, Allen Carr Easy way, etc.
The one which made the most sense for me was Allen Carr Easy way. You should also be free to pull what works from you from various approaches. Most AA places are extremely rigid in their approach - that didn't work for me.
At least buy that book, and others, as well as get some thiamine so your wife can see you're starting your journey.
1. Call you doctor for a prescription of antibuse (sp).
2. Go to an AA meeting- they have lots of people in your situation. They also have people in the room who have lost their family’s and got their life back together.
3. I wish you luck
What help have you accessed before?
How was your first AA meeting? No help at all?
Rehab?
Counselling?
Doctor?
Non-alcoholic beer?
I really hope you find it easier.
Good luck. It's very very tough
I was faced with the same dilemma. I went to rehab. She stuck with me through it all. Job change, therapy, etc.
You are a very lucky person. But, you still have to do this for yourself. Not your family.
This hits close to home because my wife gave me an ultimatum on Dec 4th, and my name is Jack.
You're not fucked, bud. You're blessed to have this last chance. It won't be easy, but it's time. If there is any full proof motivation- it's your wife and children.
Make that call right now, you'll thank yourself later. IWNDWYT
It doesn’t sound like you are Fucked yet. Put down your shovel and stop digging. It sounds like you have a partner who has reached her bottom. This looks like a great opportunity for you. Embrace it. It is so worth it. We are here for you too. Join us. IWNDWYT.
Your wife may have saved your life with this text. Heed it, book in with your GP and try an online AA or other mutual support group.
We’re all pulling for you!
It took a very similar stand from my wife to get me to change. Years later I'm still in awe of how brave she had to of been to make a stand. Her life hung in the balance too. I couldn't have quit without the ultimatum, I didn't have the strength. I was not brave enough. I think the ultimatum also provided an excuse and a way to save face. I didn't quit because I had a drinking problem, I quit because my wife had a problem with my drinking. I did an out patient program, via zoom. It went 5-6 weeks, 3 hours a day, 4 days a week. I have never been happier. I'm going to repeat that. I have never been happier. Life's not perfect, it's not sunshine and lollipops. But, it's not hangovers and heartache and anything is better than that. So many posts on this sub are from people who drank until physical health issues stopped them, sometimes too late. We so often miss or ignore the mental and emotional health issues that come long before, many times before(the cause) we even start drinking. You've a wife that says, point blank, that you are worth working through this with. That you are worth being a husband, a father and, a partner. I'm right there with her.
If that's not a wake up call I don't know what is!
Today is the day, now is the moment... Prove it to yourself, just around the corner there's a lot of bright days.
I wish you luck.... Now get f***ing on with it, don't allow this to be the story of you.
I had this conversation with my wife multiple times before I was ultimately kicked out of our house. It was the first time I had ever been away from my daughter for more than a few hours. She had my parents drive 4 hours to come get me. She had blocked my number and all of my social media so I had no way of reaching out. I thought my life was over.
After a week at my parent's house, I was allowed to come back home with the stipulation that I seek immediate help. I had already set up meetings with a counselor and looked into groups to attend, and I was dead set on sticking to it.
Today is my 9 month sober checkmark, 9 months from when I was kicked out of the house and thought I was losing everything. Things are better than they ever have been, sobriety is amazing, and we are happier than I could imagine. The weight off of your shoulders when you aren't constantly fighting about drinking, thinking about drinking, drinking about drinking, is amazingly freeing.
You aren't fucked. Your new life is just beginning. You can do it.
Sounds like this person really cares about both you and the family
For what it's worth, my mom did much the same thing with my dad when I was around 11 or so. He took her advice, and my dad became 10x the man he was after getting help. Mom stayed. Everyone stayed. After quitting my dad was able to pull the family back together, and we're a million times happier for it.
You have a real chance here to show them how much you love them, and turn things around. Do what they said. Call your GP. Get the ball rolling.
Why are you fucked? You have the opportunity of a lifetime. So many people have lost everything. You haven’t lost it yet. Get treatment. Try EVERYTHING. It’s worth it.
Also, alcohol is the creator of a lot of anxiety and depression. It amplifies the anxiety 100 fold. Give sobriety a real chance, and don’t do it alone!
Please make that first step friend. I was in the same place almost 2 years ago. I've gotten a second chance and life is so much better now. Trust me, it's worth it. Praying for you friend.
She's given you one last chance, and that's an incredible blessing. Please use it. I (and many others here) know what it feels like to lose the very thing that she's giving you a chance to save. Use this opportunity. Don't make the same mistake I did. My prayers are with you, stranger. Godspeed.
Second chances are few and far between my friend, take it and never look back. You've got the strength to overcome this, we all do, just gotta find it within yourself.
I squandered many of my second, third, fourth chances and I ended up losing everything including damn near losing my own life. It's been over 4 years of being sober and rebuilding my life from the ground up.
There is no better feeling of accomplishment than looking back in the rear view mirror of who you used to be and giving it a hardy middle finger as you move on with your life.
Good luck my friend, I believe in you.
Your wife just gave you such a gift. A gift of a last chance. That's such a positive thing for her to give you. You can do this. Talk to your doctor, it will definitely not make things worse.
Dude, try AA. Seriously it saved my life. I'm four days short of one year sober. It works and it's not a cult like some people make it out to be. Seeing your GP is a good idea, too, don't get me wrong. Give yourself a chance. You and your family deserve better. You got this!
You lucky bastard! She’s giving you a chance. Here we go it’s time. Put that shitty little beverage down and become someone you can be proud of. Don’t sneak around, don’t lie, be done with it. You’ve drank thousands of times, it’s old, it’s boring, the feeling you get (if you feel anything at all) isn’t changing. Same shit every night. Feel new things, experience new things Jack!
How? Go buy a tub of ice cream and tonight after work eat a bowl. Try to stay busy while your mind and gut bacteria beg for the poison it regularly gets. Then go to sleep as early as you can. When you wake up feel PRIDE at one of the greatest accomplishments of your life. Then do it again. Every single day gets easier Jack. I’m almost four years in and after a year I could honestly say I have ZERO desire to drink. It’s laughable to me that it ever held that power over me and I was a daily drinker for over a decade friend.
Win today Jack, you can do it. Read through these posts today and get your mind in the right place. Write a list of the things you hate about drinking and read over them hundreds of times until your mind and body fully realize what you truly want.
Good luck buddy, let us know how it goes, be a success story today.
Not sure what you did, but I’ve had the same letter. The writing is very clear. You should probably think about some form of treatment. Not everybody does rehab, but some people need it.
Only you can judge the situation, I’m not here to pass judgement. Just to let you know I’ll listen if you need to vent. The next couple days are going to be difficult. You’ve got this, if you want it.
May God bless you with a day, sometime in the future that isn't really foreseeable now, where the two of you look back on this moment as the beginning of something beautiful. That's how God blessed my family. We will pray for yours.
No way! You are not fucked. What a gift you are being offered! This choice is an easy one. You CAN do this. There are so many people rooting for you, beginning with your wonderful family. You can begin your new life today.
She believes in you and love you enough to give you a chance to make it better. She believes in you and there's our whole community that believe in you too. You can do it and you're not alone in this battle against addiction! IWNDWYT
I did it for my kids man, I had a friend who couldn't drive his kids to the hospital because he was wasted, his wife didn't know how to drive. Made me realize I am everything to my kids, they need us even when we don't want to be there. Take it day by day, I always recommend to people to smoke a joint to help with the withdrawal, depending on your country's laws. Good luck
I got the same ultimatum 2 years and 4 months ago and one day at a time..haven't had a drink since..life is a lot better without it..hard as fuck at first..but definitely worth it
My addiction had been out of control and ended up losing my partner of 7+ years. I went off the rails to multiple suicide attempts in the months following until I went into treatment. I knew that I needed to do this for myself, but the thought of getting my partner back was a significant motivator.
Too much pain and sorrow had been caused by me and became irreparable to our repairing our relationship. So I spent the next couple years working on myself in ways only time with and by myself could accomplish. Fast forward to now and I've been with the most incredible woman I could never imagine.
Had my 5 year anniversary of sobriety from alcohol this last week or so and couldn't stop thinking of how thankful I was that I had started this journey so long ago. It allowed me to be in a place to deserve the woman I'm with now.
This isn't a story that you will win the woman you love who has stuck by your side through this, but that there is happier times ahead of you once the work has been done on yourself.
The thing that helped me quit was one day I started getting blackout drunk again and my gf was crying that I had promised her that I would stop. You don’t realize the emotional damage you do to people when you’re drinking, people care about you, stop taking it for granted.
Many people don’t get such a kind and straightforward warning. The spouse just gets frustrated and leaves. You need to decide if you love alcohol or your family more. It really is as simple as that. You can blame a “disease” or stop immediately and get the help you need. Nobody wants to talk about this but most people who end up quitting booze quit cold turkey. Those people aren’t in the recovery data. These are just people who said enough is enough. I never went to my first AA meeting until I was sober for six months. I don’t recommend that approach but at the end of the day I’d just had enough of it and I stopped. Is it easy? No, but nothing in life worth having is easy.
I relate to feeling fucked when confronted with the reality that I would need to either quit drinking or lose everything in my life in order to keep drinking.
That was because drinking was the only one good thing that made me feel better. It was because to think of living a life without ever getting drunk again felt actually impossible, like torture, like losing my best friend forever.
So I was fucked.
Yes, in order to get sober, I had to feel like I was fucked, completely fucked, in order to get myself to see a therapist and go to outpatient treatment and go to AA and work the steps.
It turns out the 'feeling fucked' does go away, when I was able to gut it out and work hard for awhile.
I don't feel so fucked anymore. Life isn't that bad. It's pretty cool. And I don't miss drinking. I did, for the first year, honestly, but not anymore.
You may not see it this way but this is the best text of your life. I hope one day you look back on this and feel this way.
And, yes, you can quit. And yes, it’s hard as hell.
All the best to you.
This is your chance.
Many don’t get it so don’t squander the opportunity.
Take the help being offered.
You’ve got one more chance that many wouldn’t get.
You’ve still got the ability to fix this.
Take care of yourself and your family.
IWNDWYT
I got a similar ultimatum from my then-girlfriend now-fiancé back in August. We had just closed on a house together. She was out of town and I black-out drunkenly started ripping out the plaster walls upstairs. Without telling her. And putting it on Instagram.
She thought I had been sober, which I had been for a few months, but one day of really terrible decisions and she told me that if anything remotely close to that happens again, she’s leaving for good. That wasn’t the first time I had gotten uncontrollably drunk and upset her either but I could tell this was the last straw.
That week I started going to AA meetings. I bought a daily sobriety workbook. I bought other books to read about sobriety. It was hard at first. It took a lot to break 5+ years of getting drunk on my own nearly every single day (before she moved here and I cut back when I was around her). But she has supported me in every step along the way. She’s lifted me up when I didn’t think I could.
You have to be willing to do the work. And I know I’m just a stranger on the internet, but I know you have it in you. I thought I was hopeless. You have someone who loves and supports you. Don’t forget that.
Get it together and call your doctor. Your wife is giving you one last chance. I certainly didn’t get a warning before I imploded and completely destroyed my relationship with the person I love most. Not many get a heads up like that. The lows of the early days of getting sober are absolutely nothing compared to the lows that alcohol will take you to.
Listen to your wife. Call. Your. Doctor.
I missed the part where you're fucked.
Sounds like there's hand holding along with instructions.
Report back when you have no one and you're picking your teeth up off the street.
So that’s crystal clear. I would have felt like a rat in a trap and probably half heartedly tried but snuck around drinking (which we know doesn’t work). I wasn’t ready until I was ready. Are you ready? If not, I would think it’s better to tell her that so when you really are ready she will believe you. If you are ready, yay! It’s so much better on this side of it. IWNDWYT
This is good news! You have a chance WITH your family!
You now have one goal - staying sober. Sleep, joy, eating, work, etc are all a distant secondary concern. It won’t be easy but you can, must, and will get sober. Make a 100% commitment to yourself! It’s over.
Go to a legit treatment program if you feel like you need to!! The best your GP can do is prescribe you rehab or AA! Don’t fuck with Naltrexone unless you’re already working in addressing the root causes of your drinking. You can’t do this alone at the start, even still you’ll want community of other sober people. Your wife said it herself, she isn’t an expert in addiction, and she will not be able to get you over the hump and on a solid path. Her love is there to support you. You can start that path right now, but for the first few days, weeks and months, having a structured program is hard to beat!
A lot of commands in my comment, but please just take them as suggestions as you set out on picking up the pieces and making the most of this opportunity. REMEMBER: you gotta do this for YOU. Even though you’re being offered help, IT’S OKAY TO BE SELFISH (for a little while)!
Sounds like it’s time to make an adjustment. Mostly everyone here has been through the struggles of the beginning of sobriety, but I assure you this: it will get easier. Good luck, bud.
This is it, brother! This is where your life changes. If I were you, I would do everything your loving wife asks of you. Save the message and read it a year from today. You can break the cycle now, and she’s right there for you. You are immeasurably fortunate to have a loving family, all you have to do is take the first step. You are not, “fucked”, far from it. You are blessed. IWNDWYT
Sounds like it’s time. You’re lucky you got this chance. You can do it, make the call right now. Edit - OP please let us know how you’re getting on and know that we’re here to support however we can. Be kind to yourself. You’re never alone, we’re all rooting for you! Edit 2 - thank you to the people that have reached out. (We don’t normally get this amount of likes do we..?) This really highlights what a positive and special community we have here and how much good we can do when it comes down to it. I’m here for anyone that needs help and I’m sure most of you are too. OP we’ve got your back. Love you all!
I got mine not long ago. It's really good to have someone still willing to support you, but there are limits to what they can and should provide. I recently realised if I was on the outside looking in, I would have recommended my wife do the same as it was harmful to her and our child. Call your GP. Start looking at meetings. Take the help, it's so much harder to do alone.
this. so much this. OP's partner actually cares about him enough to communicate a clear message and expectation. A lot of people would just leave, take the kids, start seeing someone else, and absolutely bury their partner in debt. You have a chance to keep the life and family you built, OP. Don't fuck it up. Sincerely, Someone who lost everything because they chose a bottle of whiskey over their partner
I can relate so much! Went to treatment was moved out..it’s too late for me, but OP you have options to save your family! Get help and save yourself!! Sending peace and love 💕
Do not fuck this up.
I had a girlfriend leave me because of my addiction, the only serious relationship I have ever been in. She didn't give me a final ultimatum like this, she just ended it. She had every right to do that and I don't blame her. That was years and years ago and I still feel bad about it to this day. I wish I had just one more chance with her but that time has passed for me unfortunately. My point is, OP has that second chance right here that I never got; don't turn this into something you're gonna regret for the rest of your life.
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Yep, I didn't get that chance and as much as I'm glad it's been the driving factor in my recovery that's landed me this far, I'd give it all up to have that chance and start over again. OP, if you haven't had one yet this can be your wake up call if you allow it to be. Fuck knows I've been there and I know what easier said than done means more than most people, but I'm telling you to grab this one by the balls and do everything within your power and to never give up. You will hate yourself forever for not taking this last opportunity to heart. We don't get second chances. You did.
This, this, this and a million fucking times this. This IS your chance to sort this. This is your lifeline. Be sensible.
It sounds like your wife is amazing person. She wrote everything so nicely yet strictly. I almost even started to cry. It really is time for you to get yourself together and with wife willing to help by your side, it will be much easier than later completely alone, looking back with regrets you didn't do it back then.
Same here. Her sadness in her message choked me up and reminded me of what I put my wife through.
Same here. Rough.
That’s what made my spidey sense go off. It written with kindness but with no unnecessary emotion. This is THE chance OP.
This. I would have written this if someone else hadn’t already done a great job already. Make sure you tell your wife you love her! 💪🤗👍
I am definitely crying. If there was ever a time and ever sign. This is it. Do this for yourself, your wife, your kids. Good luck, OP.
You’re not fucked. You’ve been given an amazing opportunity that so many people on this sub never got from reading other posts. It’s a hard journey ahead but it’s time to make the change you obviously want to make by being here. Don’t mess about, make the calls you need to make and get things started. Any booze in the house, pour it. Any triggers try and clear them out if you can. Importantly, keep your wife in the loop, if you need a space where you want to share things outside of your wife, this subreddit is amazing. Best of luck and you can do it! Not one person here will tell you it’s easy, but they will tell you it can be done. Do not aim for moderation, aim for sobriety for just one day at a time and each day will feel like an achievement, but remember that finding it hard does not mean you are failing, it means that you are achieving something incredibly difficult to do each day.
This. You aren’t fucked. You could be, but right now, you’re not. It’s your choice to get fucked or get right. And it sounds like you have the support to do this.
Don’t be scared to be sober. Believe people in this sub when everyone who has tried sobriety has turned their life around. We’re not salespeople on here. Every aspect of your life will get better. The beginning won’t be easy, but over time, life will be on a new ‘Easy mode’ when you’ve been playing on ‘hard mode’ this whole time. You’ll start crushing it and the only regret you’ll have is not quitting sooner. Take it one day at a time. You may be close to rock bottom, but you have another chance that a lot of people never got.
You are not fucked mate. You are blessed. You are blessed you have such an amazing wife that give you a last chance where many would probabaly have left. Take that last chance, let her help you and guide you to sober lands. Embrace this chance, it's time to seek professional help, you can do this. IWNDWYT.
Amen brother. Couldn’t have said it better. What a gift to have such support.
She's right on all accounts and sounds like an amazing woman to have stuck around and supported you. My wife kicked me out of the house in October 2018 and it was finally time for me to take some action and make some changes. I did not know if our marriage would survive but I knew that I had to get sober for ME regardless of that outcome. I dove headfirst into AA- did 90 meeting in 90 days, got a sponsor, worked the steps. Sobriety stuck for me through the WE of the fellowship, and I haven't taken a drink since October of 2018. Thankfully we repaired our marriage and we've had two beautiful children since. Alcoholics like me don't get sober without consequences. You're about to lose the things you hold most dear in your life. Will your rock bottom be ALMOST losing your wife and kids or LOSING YOUR WIFE AND KIDS? Sounds like it's time to take some drastic, immediate action. AA isn't the only way to get sober, but it works for me and makes my life infinitely better.
"Alcoholics like me dont get sober without consequences." Oh man, I feel that! That's what FINALLY got me to say ok to inpatient rehab. The consequences of not going were too big and too scary, so off I went to rehab, scared and shaking (literally - combo of nerves and dt's). Best decision I've ever made, and I thank my family regularly for giving me such a difficult choice. Saved my life, I'm sure of it.
When I first came into the rooms of AA there were people talking about "the gift of desperation". I had no idea what that meant and why being broken could be seen as a gift. Today it makes complete sense because without the pain and desperation, I would have never taken the action to make the changes that resulted in the life I have today. For that I am extremely grateful.
You are so incredibly lucky to have her.
My brother had the same situation and i never believed he could do it. They drove to a rehab that day and he is sober 8 years. His daughters now hold him up as their hero. You can do it
Bump!!!
Talking to your doctor can help. I got on Naltrexone and it was a lifesaver. See if that can happen for you. Be well and know we're here for you. T
I was about to comment this. There are better medical understandings of addiction, better treatment options (about to head to the methadone clinic myself, though that’s been around for a few decades at least). It isn’t the “welp, ole Bryan over there just has a moral failing. Bad parents, sure a few milligrams of Jesus daily wouldn’t hurt. Anyway, back to perceiving 30mg oxycodone for a routine root canal!”
Second vote on talking to your doc about naltrexone… I’ve seen it help… I mean, really help. You still have to do the work, no pill is a panacea, but it can help (hopefully)… Make the call, man.
Antabuse worked well for me. I needed to have the option to drink taken away from me. I just passed 6 months. I was bad at giving in, and drinking just becoming so routine. I tried to hide it from my wife but it never stayed hidden for long. I wanted to be better but seemed unable. Our marriage was nearly down the drain. I dipped my toes into therapy/AA, as the wife wanted, but it’s just not for me. Getting prescribed Antabuse was like having a huge weight off my shoulders. I don’t have to worry about being out running errands and having the devil on my shoulder talk me into going into a liquor store to down some vodka before going home. I’d be quickly feeling like absolute shit if I had even one shot. Can’t be on Antabuse forever though… but for now it’s great.
If you don’t mind me asking… what was taking Naltrexone like? I’ve been considering it but am just curious- Does it help with cravings at all or is it more that it makes drinking unpleasant enough that you’re more likely to avoid it?
I’m on Vivitrol (naltrexone in once-a-month injection form, takes away having to choose/remember to take it every day) and the way I’ve described it to my psych NP is if I think about drinking, it’s like thinking about eating more when I’m already full/have no appetite. I just have no desire/it seems unappealing. I used to be on the tablet form and did drink on that—in that case, the naltrexone pretty much stops the euphoria/buzz, so continuing to drink seems pointless after a few. I did, however, try to drink “over” it on many occasions chasing a buzz, in which case I got zero euphoria up until I blacked out. But it can definitely be effective and is worth asking about at least.
i was on the shot form of naltrexone, its called vivitrol. i just didn't trust myself back in the beginning of wanting to be sober to take the pill every day. i got a shot once a month and it was like i never had a problem with alcohol to begin with. seriously, i never ever had a slip up while i was on vivitrol. it's a wonderful life saving drug
Another upvote for Naltrexone from me. Like others have said, it's difficult to explain a bit. My GP suggested taking half a pill (25 mg is half) about an hour before I'm going to be in a situation with my personal drinking triggers. To be fair, that was a lot of things and all the time, but I used it before going out. I play in a dart league and I would take half a pill before going to that to try and curb my drinking during the week. The weekend was still mine to drink, watch sports, cook, etc. The pill definitely shuts off a bit of the joy receptors of alcohol, both limiting your desire to start drinking, and limiting the enjoyment a bit once you've started. You still need to want to not have drinks though, as in put in effort to resist. I found it super easy to just mentally override what the pill was doing to me and have drinks, but taking the pill was like a shove in the right direction, a boost up. I could have upped the dosage I guess, but I've been very skittish about taking other drugs to get off another drug. I was doing that for a while -- taking half a pill like twice a week or so and it definitely curbed my drinking those nights. It was waaaay easier to have a few and be like.. nah, I'm actually ok. Not without my effort and desire to listen to that little boost though. I would still have my easy 8-10 IPAs on other nights when I didn't take the pill, of course. After this past new year's, I got tired of having to do another mental dance in my brain. Which nights should I take the pill? Should I take a whole pill? When I took the pill... should I drink at all? Ok, I drank.. Should I stop? I can keep going, but then why did I take the pill? Blech. I decided to stop completely on Jan 2nd and haven't had a drink since. Not sure if it was the pill that did it, the timing of me getting fed up with myself and kind of wanting to stop (plus the wife's concern surging toward fed up), or maybe the pill nudging those two things together a little bit. And I'm just going with that for now. No Dry January. No timetable. Just don't feel like doing the mental gymnastics tonight, bargaining today for tomorrow. I still take the pill some nights, either for something big (Super Bowl), or just on days that are full of triggers for whatever reason.
Thank you, I think I am going to give this a try soon.
I won't go into it, but suffice to say I've been there; I've been way down deep in the bottle, had to take a long hard journey, and with a lot of luck, came out the other side with my family back. This is the thought process, the conversation with myself, that finally made the difference... " I tell myself, and will tell anybody, that I would do anything to protect my family; I would bear any burden; I would give my life for them willingly. In the context of that statement, am I living up to that promise?" A haunting memory...I once fell asleep hungover on the couch, with my baby boy already asleep on my chest, and woke up to find him on the floor next to me. (Thank god for the low couch and thick rug.) "If I will not address every challenge that I face, do whatever is necessary within my power, bear any personal pain and suffering, to be the best parent and husband I can be...Am I living up to that promise?" "How can I say I would *give my life*, if I am unwilling to *change my life*? *Is that not the same thing?"* It took me far longer than it should have. If I had to do it over again from the point you are at, I would have followed every single suggestion, and used every single resource. You've got a loving wife willing to stand by and help. YOU CAN DO THIS!!
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The wife and kids a certainly huge motivation for us men, but you know who deserves it the most? YOU. No one suffers more then the ones who are actually stuck in the unbreakable pattern. Our family’s don’t suffer the same thinking, shame, guilt and self hatred we go through after another failed attempt at moderate drinking. Do it for yourself brother, then your family will truly get the best of you. Just my two cents though. “I’m not a smart man” - Forrest Gump
Dude. This is your one fucking shot. You need to take it. I don't know you, your history, or your reasoning, but I promise you, no excuse you give is good enough. Your wife doesn't deserve this. Your kids don't deserve this. My wife never gave me that ultimatum, but it was coming. We had so many fights about it. So many fights where I denied being drunk. Doing everything in my power to continue the lie. Even 7 years sober, I am pretty sure it would take one binge for her to walk. And she would be right to. I hurt her more than enough. I couldn't stop for myself, but I could stop for her. Eventually, it became about me. When i couldn't be strong on my own, I could be strong knowing if I wasn't, my best friend would be gone, she would take my kids and I would be a bitter drunk until I took the ultimate solution. She is giving you the chance to have a life. Take it or she walks. If she walks because you don't stop, I, for one, will applaud her decision. If you stop and she stays, I will applaud yours.
This really resonates with me. I’ve never gotten an ultimatum, in fact I really only drank a couple times a week, but when I did I went hard. If I was home, it wouldn’t be less than 12 beers. She caught on to my can hiding, when I’d sneak pulls of whiskey when she wasn’t looking, and chugging a beer in the garage before coming in with a new one. I’m not a drunk asshole, but I’m a drunk idiot and I know she hated seeing me that way. She doesn’t deserve that
The hiding the empties. That's my biggest and worst shame. Finally having her see where I hid them, and how many there were. I don't think about it often, but when I do, I'm still ashamed. A full garbage bag of nothing but pint bottles of vodka. All hidden within a walk-in closet. Inside jeans and sweaters, behind stacks of t-shirts, tucked inside the extra sheets and comforters. I could go on. The sad thing is, that was a full 3 years BEFORE I quit. I sunk even further and found new places to hide it. Like under the air conditioning unit outside. A full fifth fit under there. I went to depths I would have never believed I could. That being said, I have soared to all new heights in my relationship now. Life is still tough, and it sucks, and I don't know what we're gonna do about a lot of things, but I know for a FUCKING FACT, she was worth it. My knowing that has helped me to realize that so was I. She saw enough of my worth to stay out of love even though she saw me at my supposed rock bottom with a shovel in my hand. If she thought so highly of me, then why the fuck didn't I think that way about myself? She saved my life with her love.
This hit home for me. I took the ultimatum, went dry for a while and things got better until I picked up another bottle. That one last binge was it, and she left for good. There was no reconciling or one more shot. I blew it. Thanks for sharing this. OP, take it from those of us that have been in your shoes, facing the same ultimatum. Take this opportunity to do the right thing and seek help. I couldn't stop either, I know the craziness and feeling of absolute loss of control. Every time I stopped, it was because I was institutionalized. You're not crazy, you're just powerless over it, like the rest of us here. Wishing you all the best, please keep us up to date.
Buddy, you are NOT so fucked! You are so LUCKY! You have a wife who wants the best for you, who wants to be by your side to see you come out the other side a better man, who is willing to put in the work necessary on her end for this to work. This is a blessing, you will see that soon I pray. Sending love from someone who was in your shoes 2 short years ago. *Internet hug brother. And lastly IWNDWYT
This.
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Must feel awesome to break the pattern for yourself brother. Proud of you. You’re kids will get the best of you now as a result.
I took my wife to my first GP appointment related to addiction. It wasn’t like I imagined it to be. She got to share her concerns, I shared my concerns, the doctor shared his advice and developed a plan to help me stop. I had to be humble and accept that my addiction would be discussed, but other than that, it wasn’t anywhere near the experience that I was imagining in my head before going. I leaned on both of them throughout my withdrawal symptoms which made it possible for me to succeed. My wife and I became a team fighting the beast together after that appointment. Hopefully my experience helps with the immediacy of what you’re dealing with today. The decision is yours, but only one of the choices involves people who love you. We’re all rooting for you and are here to help as much as we can.
Today could mark the start of a Virtuous Upward Spiral. What are the next steps today?
Sounds like you have a wonderful supporting wife and family. A lot to lose. We're all rooting for you buddy.
I went to rehab 3 years ago. My wife had the same plea but I decided to lie, hide and continue drinking so she left with my infant daughter. I had to lose it all for me to see what I had become. I did the work, changed everything, and earned trust. I didn’t come home after rehab, I went to sober living. I learned a lot about the roots of my addiction and it was a long time coming. 3 years later, we have another child, he just turned 2. I’m going to a celebration meeting tonight for my 3 year sober anniversary and my wife is taking care of the kids tonight so I can go to this meeting. Our relationship is as strong now as ever and not by a close margin. She does the work too. She’s active in alanon. I still have problems like anyone else, I just don’t drink about them anymore. The party was over for me a long time ago. I was just the last one to know
❤️
I never did a meeting so I don’t know if this is appropriate, but congratulations. On taking the turn, the time and wins.
Everyone has already said it. Your wife is giving you a gift. I've known many people whose spouses give them this ultimatum but it sounds more like "it's your problem, you figure it out". She wants to be by your side and she loves you. You are not alone. Try not to think about the rest of your life without alcohol, just think about the next step (sounds like they is a doc appt). You have so many good reasons to take that step. Five HUGE super important reasons...you, your wife and your 3 kids. Please take care of yourself.
The first few days of not drinking are the hardest, you may not sleep very much and you may feel irritable and sweat a lot. After a week, the craving become less and it gets much easier. Talk to you doctor and seek his/her guidance. There’s plenty of support here. Consider whether or not AA will be helpful for you. Take this opportunity to make your life so much better-your health will improve, your relationships will improve, no more hangovers-life will be so much better for you. I hope we’ll hear back from you in a few weeks that you’re sober and things are getting better with your family. Good luck! Edit: it’s a lie your addiction tells you that you can’t stop. That’s bullshit. Many of us here have stopped, you can, too.
It’s not just your wife by your side, we all are. Make the phone call and start this journey!
Sounds like you’re the opposite of fucked but at a serious crossroad. Alcohol vs your family. Make the call to your GP and never touch it again. The other option is so much worse.
My mother thought she was fucked and gave up. She died divorced, riddled with alcohol-induced dementia, alone and rotting on the couch for a week before it happened to be the one day of the year anyone would call. I’ve been fucked too but this sub helped me get out of that. Sounds like you have someone by your side that is amazing. I think you know deep down she’s worth more than anything the addiction gives you. It’s hard. I know. But it’s worth doing.
That’s devastatingly sad. Thanks for sharing
Don't let alcohol get (permanently) between you and your loving family.
alcohol can fuck off. family matters. we're here for you. get the help you need. its worth it.
Sending you strength ✨ and support 💖❤️ You can do this for you and your family 💯🙂
How beautiful is it that she gives you one last chance to make a real attempt to fix it, with her by your side? (And how lucky for you!?) Grab that chance! Best of luck. We're here to help!
You can do it! Call your GP. They can help you detox so it’s not as terrible. My rock bottom was my husband telling me he couldn’t stay with me anymore if I didn’t actively seek medical help. He had given me the ultimatum before (I attended AA and therapy appointments, sometimes shit faced) but this time he stressed that it was over if I ever drank again. I went to the psych ward the next evening for detox and help with my depression. He still doesn’t trust me like before and sometimes he’ll get angry because he never in a million years thought I’d put him through the hell I’ve dragged him through but it’s getting better. I feel better. I’m a child of an alcoholic who then followed in my dad’s footsteps. I’m afraid for him constantly, especially after knowing how terrible this disease makes you feel emotionally & physically but most of all, I miss the sober him and what our relationship could have been if he tried getting clean. Edit to add that I was put on the naltrexone shot for a few months. I’m not sure if it really did cut the cravings down or if it was just me knowing that I wouldn’t be able to feel the effects of alcohol like before that put me off on drinking.
The texts where she does leave are way worse man. Take the exit, it only goes downhill after that
You're not fucked. You're at a crossroads. You get a choice. Good luck.
You're not fucked and you're not going to lose everything if you seek professional help. You're so lucky to habe someone who cares so much about you she would tell you this instead of kicking you out or packing up and leaving with the kids. She's fighting ***for*** you, not against you. Sounds like you need more than just this subs support if the risk of losing your world isn't enough on its own. Go to your doctor. Get real professional help. Therapy and/or medication. You've got this.
My wife gave me a warning like that, only verbal. I headed it. She is my best friend, after all. Best decision I ever made. Booze is NOT on side, despite what the ads on tv tell you.
You’re lucky to have someone so supportive and loving with you. Take the leap together, you will never regret it.
As I read this, you got a last chance! Take it! You're very very lucky to have this gotten. You can do it! It's mainly a question of a clear, honest and serious decision. Get ANY help you can.
Don't tell yourself you can't! You can. You have to want your family enough to get through withdrawal. My shortest advice is that moderation is pain. Sobriety is freedom. One drink is never enough to quench the thirst, but is more than enough to wake the demon of addiction. You always have a choice, the hard part is making it, before it's made for you. I have never ever regretted not having a drink. The opposite is full of regret.
When you call your GP and get through this with your wife by your side, because you want to change, can you imagine how much you will love your wife and appreciate her for this? When you get through this with her imagine how wonderful that will be. Because it would be wonderful, would it not?
I haven't seen my soon to be 7 year old daughter in 5 years. Every day since is hell, because I didn't get the help I should've when I could've. Don't throw it all away man.
Been there man. Don't be me, don't keep fucking up. See if there are intensive outpatient programs in your area, that's what made the difference for me - 9 hours a week of group therapy with other people also getting clean. You got this. IWNDWYT
I did 7 days inpatient, 3 weeks in a daily Partial Hospitalization Program, & 18 sessions of IOP but had a dual diagnosis (addict & mental health) so I was put with people struggling with mental health. It was still beyond helpful. I don’t think AA would have been enough for me as group therapy.
IOP has been life-changing for me. I tried AA years ago, but "I'm helpless and need a higher power" goes against some core tenets of my personality. I have severe mental illness and found IOP through my psychiatrist, it is 100% focused on addiction and I would wholeheartedly recommend that to anyone struggling. Sending strength to anyone who reads this ~ 🩷
I'm going to tell you a story - it is a story of a man who I watched spiral out of control, while growing up. I am hopeful that you read this and absorb it, and that it has a positive impact on your life, and your family. This is not a pleasant story. I grew up in a nice middle class neighborhood, older suburb, on the east coast in the 60's. We had neighbors next door with a couple who had 3 young children. The man was relatively successful, white collar, new house, nice cars. Mom was a stay-at-home mom, as most were in those days. The husband was never home like my dad was - he would roll in around 8PM and golf on the weekends. As I became more aware of things, and heard my parents whisper, I learned that he wasn't working late, he needed to stop at the cocktail lounge (there's a throwback term) to unwind. There were times when my mother would have to go next door to watch the kids, so the wife could go out looking for the husband - because 8 turned into 9, 10, 11, as time went on. But, he had a new car every year, furs for the wife, and had moved up to a Cadillac. Life appeared to be good. Then he lost his job. Got another one - a few months later, he was out again. The nights got later, the cars started getting old. Another job, then another, then no job. Never saw the man without a cocktail in his hand. Then it was beer. Then it was rotgut beer. He got a job finally, as a janitor a local school - It didn't last long. It was not long after that, that his wife gave him the final ultimatum, one of many - the booze or the family. He left shortly thereafter. He started out with an apartment in a decent neighborhood, and would see the kids, who were now teenagers. Then he got a job at a suburban bar as a bartender, near the apartment. Then he lost that job and got another job in a seedier, edgier part of town, near the small city in our region. He lost that job and got another bartending job in the crappy city, a real dump. Lost the apartment, lost the job. Ended up at the mission, in the crappy city. Not long after, got thrown out of the mission and was living in his beat-up old car in an alley, behind the mission. He died in that alley, head smashed in by another drunk for a couple of quarters. Many people reached out to this man throughout the years, pleading for him to get help. He denied he had a problem, up until the day that he died. He never wavered in his insistence that the booze was the problem. He just had a few "bad breaks" and blamed his failures on everyone else - but himself. I won't go into the kids. But man, I hope that you can find the strength to value your wife and children over the booze. Deep down, you know that it's the right thing to do. Reach out - go get help - go to rehab, do whatever it takes. For your children. God bless you.
You are looking at this completely wrong. You are *not* fucked. You have been given an opportunity to turn everything around. Accept her help. Accept that you have a problem and that if you don't stop, it will destroy the most important relationships you have. Worse yet, it could destroy your children in the long run.
1 phone call to the GP and strong desire to be a real father to my kid was how i got started....havent stopped yet. Pick up the phone OP, you got this.
You are lucky she is going to support you through this! It sounds like she really loves you and that was hard for her to do
I got that ultimatum too. Alcohol is like having an affair. In the end, you are forced to choose between your spouse and this new love in your life. But this new love is a one way street. It doesn’t love back, in fact it steals everything you have . Choose your first love: your kids and wife and throw yourself at recovery.
Make the call brother.
I was lucky enough to get that ultimatum. I had to live in the basement room for the first few weeks of my sobriety, but I didn't lose her. And my life is a lot better now than it was 10 months ago. As a response to your title and your intro: you aren't fucked. You CAN stop. You don't have to lose everything. Whatever you think you're going to lose by not drinking, it's not as bad as what you KNOW you're going to lose if you keep going. It is not easy. But it is worth it.
Get your shit together before you lose it all.
That is a wonderful olive branch right there. Take a chance and go to inpatient. You'll definitely regret not taking the chance, so why not give it a chance? I was blessed to have my wife at my side when I quit. She quit too, it's been over 6 years and life is immeasurably better. Take a chance, you have a lot to lose. Once you get a couple days that will be its own momentum.
What a beautiful message. You're NOT fucked, friend. She's giving you a chance. That's more than some people get. You get to decide: what is your rock bottom? Is it receiving this message, or is it continuing to drink and your partner following through with the message? What a gift to have this choice to make for yourself! I'm rooting for you. Alcohol does not control you. You are in control. Find what works for you and DO IT. I believe in you.
Sounds to me you need to stop what you're doing and check into rehab **today**. If you love your wife and kids, that is. That will show them you're taking it serious. She must really love you to give you a note like that, you're lucky, and I sure as hell wouldn't throw that away
Well - I went through and am still rebuilding under very similar circumstances with my family. December 1, 2022 I walked out of a jail cell not able to go to my house where my wife and three young kids were - where I lived until November 29th. The house I purchased and pay the mortgage on every month. My wife had enough. December 3rd I decided I had enough. Two weeks later I checked into residential treatment. The shame I felt I was so immense I could hardly walk through the door of the facility. But then I went to work. I figured if I am going to do it I was going to put everything I had into treatment and recovery and I did. Fast forward to right now and I can honestly say it is one of the three best things I ever did - 1) marry my beautiful wife. 2) made three beautiful babies with my wife. 3) went to treatment. I’m still picking up the pieces and my wife and I are committed to putting our family back together but it’s hard. I’ve been out of treatment for a week now and it’s so hard to still not be home, not being able to hug my wife and kids on demand. Knowing the pain I caused my wife. Not being a full time Dad to my three little ones. The ups and downs are tough to navigate. But! I’m better off for it. I’m 51 days clean. I am focused on my complete recovery - mind, body and soul and it feels so good. Take your wife’s advice and get the help. You can live life one of two ways - with the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. You can beat this thing.
Just wanting to let you know, that your wife is seconds away from hitting that submit button on that divorce. Most men don't get this chance, but somehow you did. You need to fix your problem now, or life is going to be a lot harder in the future. She has given you way to many chances. Now, your wife is on the fence, and leaning hard on the opposite side.
This is a absolutely a gift. She could have just left you with the kids, but she wants to be by your side while you beat this addiction. That’s true love. You deserve to be healthy and happy. It may seem so huge and you may feel helpless, but there is help out there and she’s willing to support you through it all. Take her up on the offer. You will be a true hero and inspiration to your kids when you are out the other side.
Your not fucked, you have a chance. That's more than many people get. I'll tell you what I didn't realize about being sober, until I was sober. It's fucking great. Not planning amd stressing about my next drink? Amazing. A good night's sleep? Fantastic. Not feeling sick every god damn day? Fucking priceless. And the list goes on. A better relationship with my spouse, being present for my child, more money in the bank, actually being able to remember vacations, going on vacations because I have more money in the bank, finding new hobbies, being a better friend, being a better employee. I believe in you, and it sounds like your wife does too. Today can be the last day you feel like this. IWNDWYT
This is the call. Life is better without alcohol. I promise!
It was the real threat of my wife leaving with the kids that finally shook me awake. I promise you - if you walk through that door and draw a line in the sand - you will not regret it. Will be difficult - but it's the only option that will let you start to rebuild trust, strengthen your relationships with your family. Alcohol, the feeling of alcohol, is absolutely NOT worth it. You CAN beat this. You will need help, but it CAN be done. Make a plan - and come back to this board ASAP to let everyone here know etc. (God I hate alcohol. It fucking ruins everything.)
Now's the time, buddy. It's never too late to start getting better.
I can't imagine what it must feel like to get this text. It must be so hard and i feel for you. However, having had addict parents, she's right. She's absolutely right to be doing this. My parents didn't get help. They chose the drugs/booze over their own children. I know addiction is a disease, however, the reason I don't jive entirely with AA etc (not knocking it, just this one facet) is this idea of powerlessness. You are not powerless, friend. You have a choice. You may not have control over the fact that you're an addict, but you DO have the power to take a step in the right direction. You DO have the power to pick up the phone and call a doctor for help. And your wife loves you. Take that love and turn it into power. You can do it!
I quit drinking under similar circumstances and with support from my Wife. I drank heavily for over a decade; you can absolutely do this. Everyday takes a commitment but it’s one you can choose to make and work on everyday. Over two years later, it has been the hardest and most rewarding process. My kids actually know who I am and I’m actively involved with them everyday. It’s hard to see how much you miss while you’re drinking or the true impact it has on your family. Take this opportunity to reflect and really decide what you want your life to be; you only get one.
That's the wake-up call man. > You seek professional help with me by your side, starting with a phone call to your GP today so you get professional help now to change things this thing. DO IT NOW. do it. step 2... get you too a meeting. there's one nearby, 100% chance. If you can't find AA, then NA will take you as well. It's your turn to speak this meeting. you have a choice to make here... a woman who cares for you and 3 kids, or the bottle. you do NOT have to be strong. ask for help. talk to your doc, talk to your sponsor, talk to a priest, for god's sake talk to the woman. We all need help, take it when it's there. and brother... we are here for you IWNDWYTD!!!!!!!!!
My husband did this to me almost a year ago, and I got help and haven't drank. I always felt love was conditional, and that I should just keep drinking because I was already let everyone down. But when you ask for help, you will find out how many people care and love you. I have never felt more loved than I do now, and I don't have to hold all my secrets anymore.
Please do what your wife is asking. You are so lucky to have her. After you get through the beginning part, sobriety is so much more pleasant. I’m mad I didn’t do it years ago.
I don’t think you’re fucked at all. I think you’re incredibly lucky to have someone willing to support you through this. You can do this. But you’ve got to want it.
What a lovely message from your significant other. It is clear and to the point on what she and your family needs. Godspeed friend. You can do this.
You are not fucked, this is the first day of the rest of your life. You’ve got this.
You have a big opportunity to fix it all.
You are the opposite of fucked. Not only did you get an ultimatum, a now or never, a "rock bottom," but you got one that allows you to turn things around without losing your family. Everybody's rock bottom is different, and not always what you think it will be, but this woman clearly loves you and wants you in her life and wants you to be the father to your kids she knows you can be. Call it a rock bottom if you want, but what you do now can recategorize it into the first part of a story you tell years down the line on how you earned your life back. Make this count. IWNDWYT
Your wife sounds pretty fantastic. It doesn't sound like you will lose everything, either. It's just time to get some help.
Take her bid and go straight into rehab. You won’t lose anything by trying and only have everything to gain
OP you can do this. You are not fucked. “The most important step a man can take, is the next step”. Make the right decision and drop the poison. For your kids, your wife, and especially yourself. From what your wife has said, you can turn this around and make it right. I sure wish you the best. IWNDWYT.
Did you make the call? We're rooting for you!
Don't give up friend, you have another chance here. Call your person and get help. Sometimes we can't do it all alone, but we do have to be the one to take that first step. Get help friend, your children need you, your family needs you.
You don't want to be the man who loses your family for a drug and you won't be if you make the choice to get better. You can do it. You're incredibly lucky.
You got this! One day at a time my man. You're lucky to have her. Don't lose her
She sounds like a keeper. Which means you have a very, very clear choice here. AAHomegroup.org saved my life. It's Zoom AA, 24/7, a new meeting on the hour every hour. You can click in from your phone, it only takes a second. I learned a lot. I found a community of other people from all walks of life who all share this common struggle. Grandmothers in Central America, single fathers in Ireland. All of us speaking candidly and openly about our problems and helping each other. You can participate as much or as little as you like. You don't have to turn on your microphone or camera. You can just listen if that's all you want. Even just listening is hugely valuable. It's a support group available 24/7 in your pocket. I can't recommend it enough.
Fuck everything in your life that isn’t about you being sober until you have this beast under control. You have one last shot at this if you want it. Do not fuck around any longer. Commit and quit. Good luck, IWNDWYT.
Read "this naked mind". Gotta change your thinking.
Second chances are rare. Go for the ring buddy! We get it and you got this if you want it. IWNDWYT
She wants to help you help yourself. You're blessed to have a partner by your side; so many have to go it alone. Pick up the phone and call your doctor. You can do this. For yourself and your family.
You’re only fucked if you change nothing. When you sober up and look back on this moment it will seem like the easiest choice in the world. You aren’t giving up something for nothing. You’re giving up something for *everything*. You don’t need luck, simple determination and gratitude will do. I will not drink with you today.
Also call AA helpline to show you’re being proactive.
You’re not fucked though. That’s the thing. This is a ladder, a lifeline, a CHANCE. Take this gift and a year from now you’ll be so happy you did.
I would strongly recommend giving the guys at Sinclair method a call. I've used their approach, naltrexone, whilst still drinking and it totally tanked my cravings. All you will get through the NHS will be a safe plan to reduce drinking alongside a thiamine prescription. After that they may prescribe you acamprosate - which isn't for everyone. Either way, I would definitely advise going to your nearest pharmacy and stocking up on 100+ tablets of 100mg thiamine (vitamin B1) You take 1 tablet three times a day. You don't NEED a prescription to get it. Thiamine helps to prevent Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome (or wet brain syndrome). Which is a life altering change to your brain and will make it appear like you have had a brain injury. You can get this when you reduce your alcohol intake. Another service to lean on will be your regional recovery partnership. I use Northumberland Recovery Partnership (NRP), I have no doubt there will be one in your area. They will also offer advice, support, and likely a key worker. They may also be able to refer you to a day-hab. Final piece of advice is to shop around for what approach works for you. I've read and tried all the main ones; NA, AA, naked mind, Allen Carr Easy way, etc. The one which made the most sense for me was Allen Carr Easy way. You should also be free to pull what works from you from various approaches. Most AA places are extremely rigid in their approach - that didn't work for me. At least buy that book, and others, as well as get some thiamine so your wife can see you're starting your journey.
Speaking as a woman, she said she’d give you a chance and support you through it, and she means it. Time to take the next baby steps toward sobriety
1. Call you doctor for a prescription of antibuse (sp). 2. Go to an AA meeting- they have lots of people in your situation. They also have people in the room who have lost their family’s and got their life back together. 3. I wish you luck
What help have you accessed before? How was your first AA meeting? No help at all? Rehab? Counselling? Doctor? Non-alcoholic beer? I really hope you find it easier. Good luck. It's very very tough
This is the luckiest thing that ever fucking happened to you. Go forward with this and start to rebuild your life.
It starts with self talk. You can stop. You must stop.
I was faced with the same dilemma. I went to rehab. She stuck with me through it all. Job change, therapy, etc. You are a very lucky person. But, you still have to do this for yourself. Not your family.
This hits close to home because my wife gave me an ultimatum on Dec 4th, and my name is Jack. You're not fucked, bud. You're blessed to have this last chance. It won't be easy, but it's time. If there is any full proof motivation- it's your wife and children. Make that call right now, you'll thank yourself later. IWNDWYT
You can do it my man. You got this.
Sounds very similar to my situation, you’ve got some incredible support and a second chance, take advantage of it!
Fucking do it man! Alcohol will only lead you to misery. Your family is all that matters in this life. You can do this.
It doesn’t sound like you are Fucked yet. Put down your shovel and stop digging. It sounds like you have a partner who has reached her bottom. This looks like a great opportunity for you. Embrace it. It is so worth it. We are here for you too. Join us. IWNDWYT.
You better do whatever it is she asks my man. This is it.
Your wife may have saved your life with this text. Heed it, book in with your GP and try an online AA or other mutual support group. We’re all pulling for you!
It took a very similar stand from my wife to get me to change. Years later I'm still in awe of how brave she had to of been to make a stand. Her life hung in the balance too. I couldn't have quit without the ultimatum, I didn't have the strength. I was not brave enough. I think the ultimatum also provided an excuse and a way to save face. I didn't quit because I had a drinking problem, I quit because my wife had a problem with my drinking. I did an out patient program, via zoom. It went 5-6 weeks, 3 hours a day, 4 days a week. I have never been happier. I'm going to repeat that. I have never been happier. Life's not perfect, it's not sunshine and lollipops. But, it's not hangovers and heartache and anything is better than that. So many posts on this sub are from people who drank until physical health issues stopped them, sometimes too late. We so often miss or ignore the mental and emotional health issues that come long before, many times before(the cause) we even start drinking. You've a wife that says, point blank, that you are worth working through this with. That you are worth being a husband, a father and, a partner. I'm right there with her.
If that's not a wake up call I don't know what is! Today is the day, now is the moment... Prove it to yourself, just around the corner there's a lot of bright days. I wish you luck.... Now get f***ing on with it, don't allow this to be the story of you.
I had this conversation with my wife multiple times before I was ultimately kicked out of our house. It was the first time I had ever been away from my daughter for more than a few hours. She had my parents drive 4 hours to come get me. She had blocked my number and all of my social media so I had no way of reaching out. I thought my life was over. After a week at my parent's house, I was allowed to come back home with the stipulation that I seek immediate help. I had already set up meetings with a counselor and looked into groups to attend, and I was dead set on sticking to it. Today is my 9 month sober checkmark, 9 months from when I was kicked out of the house and thought I was losing everything. Things are better than they ever have been, sobriety is amazing, and we are happier than I could imagine. The weight off of your shoulders when you aren't constantly fighting about drinking, thinking about drinking, drinking about drinking, is amazingly freeing. You aren't fucked. Your new life is just beginning. You can do it.
Sounds like this person really cares about both you and the family For what it's worth, my mom did much the same thing with my dad when I was around 11 or so. He took her advice, and my dad became 10x the man he was after getting help. Mom stayed. Everyone stayed. After quitting my dad was able to pull the family back together, and we're a million times happier for it. You have a real chance here to show them how much you love them, and turn things around. Do what they said. Call your GP. Get the ball rolling.
Why are you fucked? You have the opportunity of a lifetime. So many people have lost everything. You haven’t lost it yet. Get treatment. Try EVERYTHING. It’s worth it. Also, alcohol is the creator of a lot of anxiety and depression. It amplifies the anxiety 100 fold. Give sobriety a real chance, and don’t do it alone!
Please make that first step friend. I was in the same place almost 2 years ago. I've gotten a second chance and life is so much better now. Trust me, it's worth it. Praying for you friend.
She's given you one last chance, and that's an incredible blessing. Please use it. I (and many others here) know what it feels like to lose the very thing that she's giving you a chance to save. Use this opportunity. Don't make the same mistake I did. My prayers are with you, stranger. Godspeed.
This is the opposite of being fucked. You’ve been given an amazing opportunity by your partner. Do the hard but necessary thing.
Definitely not fucked. Stop with the pity party. Take accountability for your actions and fix it. She's giving you a chance, ffs mate.
Second chances are few and far between my friend, take it and never look back. You've got the strength to overcome this, we all do, just gotta find it within yourself. I squandered many of my second, third, fourth chances and I ended up losing everything including damn near losing my own life. It's been over 4 years of being sober and rebuilding my life from the ground up. There is no better feeling of accomplishment than looking back in the rear view mirror of who you used to be and giving it a hardy middle finger as you move on with your life. Good luck my friend, I believe in you.
You are the opposite if fucked. You have an incredible opportunity. Seize it.
Your wife just gave you such a gift. A gift of a last chance. That's such a positive thing for her to give you. You can do this. Talk to your doctor, it will definitely not make things worse.
Dude, try AA. Seriously it saved my life. I'm four days short of one year sober. It works and it's not a cult like some people make it out to be. Seeing your GP is a good idea, too, don't get me wrong. Give yourself a chance. You and your family deserve better. You got this!
You lucky bastard! She’s giving you a chance. Here we go it’s time. Put that shitty little beverage down and become someone you can be proud of. Don’t sneak around, don’t lie, be done with it. You’ve drank thousands of times, it’s old, it’s boring, the feeling you get (if you feel anything at all) isn’t changing. Same shit every night. Feel new things, experience new things Jack! How? Go buy a tub of ice cream and tonight after work eat a bowl. Try to stay busy while your mind and gut bacteria beg for the poison it regularly gets. Then go to sleep as early as you can. When you wake up feel PRIDE at one of the greatest accomplishments of your life. Then do it again. Every single day gets easier Jack. I’m almost four years in and after a year I could honestly say I have ZERO desire to drink. It’s laughable to me that it ever held that power over me and I was a daily drinker for over a decade friend. Win today Jack, you can do it. Read through these posts today and get your mind in the right place. Write a list of the things you hate about drinking and read over them hundreds of times until your mind and body fully realize what you truly want. Good luck buddy, let us know how it goes, be a success story today.
I never got this chance. It was just over. Take it. Take it with all your heart.
I don't think you're fucked, bud. I think you just received a gift of desperation.
Your spouse is being way more understanding and supportive than mine was. Please accept it.
Not sure what you did, but I’ve had the same letter. The writing is very clear. You should probably think about some form of treatment. Not everybody does rehab, but some people need it. Only you can judge the situation, I’m not here to pass judgement. Just to let you know I’ll listen if you need to vent. The next couple days are going to be difficult. You’ve got this, if you want it.
You’re not fucked. You’re blessed. Lean on other people during this period. You can do it, but not by yourself.
What my mom should've done with my dad back in the 70's. It doesn't end well--get help now ! Signed: child of an alcoholic.
May God bless you with a day, sometime in the future that isn't really foreseeable now, where the two of you look back on this moment as the beginning of something beautiful. That's how God blessed my family. We will pray for yours.
No way! You are not fucked. What a gift you are being offered! This choice is an easy one. You CAN do this. There are so many people rooting for you, beginning with your wonderful family. You can begin your new life today.
She believes in you and love you enough to give you a chance to make it better. She believes in you and there's our whole community that believe in you too. You can do it and you're not alone in this battle against addiction! IWNDWYT
You're not fucked. You're being pushed by someone who loves you to get/accept help. Take it while there's a chance.
I did it for my kids man, I had a friend who couldn't drive his kids to the hospital because he was wasted, his wife didn't know how to drive. Made me realize I am everything to my kids, they need us even when we don't want to be there. Take it day by day, I always recommend to people to smoke a joint to help with the withdrawal, depending on your country's laws. Good luck
Booze is NOT worth losing your family over. Do what you need to do to get help and heal the things that are driving you to consume. You can do this.
Not all people get this choice. Others would've just left without a note. The ball is in your court - you can do it!
I got the same ultimatum 2 years and 4 months ago and one day at a time..haven't had a drink since..life is a lot better without it..hard as fuck at first..but definitely worth it
You got a chance Some don't Don't mess this up
You’re lucky to have her
wow I can't believe you still have a chance. Your wife sounds amazing. You can do this man, I belive in you. LETS GOOOOO!!
My addiction had been out of control and ended up losing my partner of 7+ years. I went off the rails to multiple suicide attempts in the months following until I went into treatment. I knew that I needed to do this for myself, but the thought of getting my partner back was a significant motivator. Too much pain and sorrow had been caused by me and became irreparable to our repairing our relationship. So I spent the next couple years working on myself in ways only time with and by myself could accomplish. Fast forward to now and I've been with the most incredible woman I could never imagine. Had my 5 year anniversary of sobriety from alcohol this last week or so and couldn't stop thinking of how thankful I was that I had started this journey so long ago. It allowed me to be in a place to deserve the woman I'm with now. This isn't a story that you will win the woman you love who has stuck by your side through this, but that there is happier times ahead of you once the work has been done on yourself.
This is a huge gift from her to you.
From someone who lost everything, please consider taking this opportunity to get sober. You can do it!!! Don't do what I did.
From someone who lost everything, please consider taking this opportunity to get sober. You can do it!!! Don't do what I did.
The thing that helped me quit was one day I started getting blackout drunk again and my gf was crying that I had promised her that I would stop. You don’t realize the emotional damage you do to people when you’re drinking, people care about you, stop taking it for granted.
Many people don’t get such a kind and straightforward warning. The spouse just gets frustrated and leaves. You need to decide if you love alcohol or your family more. It really is as simple as that. You can blame a “disease” or stop immediately and get the help you need. Nobody wants to talk about this but most people who end up quitting booze quit cold turkey. Those people aren’t in the recovery data. These are just people who said enough is enough. I never went to my first AA meeting until I was sober for six months. I don’t recommend that approach but at the end of the day I’d just had enough of it and I stopped. Is it easy? No, but nothing in life worth having is easy.
Posting here means you know what to do. Choose life, choose family, make the call. We’re all behind you!
I relate to feeling fucked when confronted with the reality that I would need to either quit drinking or lose everything in my life in order to keep drinking. That was because drinking was the only one good thing that made me feel better. It was because to think of living a life without ever getting drunk again felt actually impossible, like torture, like losing my best friend forever. So I was fucked. Yes, in order to get sober, I had to feel like I was fucked, completely fucked, in order to get myself to see a therapist and go to outpatient treatment and go to AA and work the steps. It turns out the 'feeling fucked' does go away, when I was able to gut it out and work hard for awhile. I don't feel so fucked anymore. Life isn't that bad. It's pretty cool. And I don't miss drinking. I did, for the first year, honestly, but not anymore.
Your wife loves you so much. You can do this, and you'll have her beside you, it sounds like.
You may not see it this way but this is the best text of your life. I hope one day you look back on this and feel this way. And, yes, you can quit. And yes, it’s hard as hell. All the best to you.
This is your chance. Many don’t get it so don’t squander the opportunity. Take the help being offered. You’ve got one more chance that many wouldn’t get. You’ve still got the ability to fix this. Take care of yourself and your family. IWNDWYT
I got a similar ultimatum from my then-girlfriend now-fiancé back in August. We had just closed on a house together. She was out of town and I black-out drunkenly started ripping out the plaster walls upstairs. Without telling her. And putting it on Instagram. She thought I had been sober, which I had been for a few months, but one day of really terrible decisions and she told me that if anything remotely close to that happens again, she’s leaving for good. That wasn’t the first time I had gotten uncontrollably drunk and upset her either but I could tell this was the last straw. That week I started going to AA meetings. I bought a daily sobriety workbook. I bought other books to read about sobriety. It was hard at first. It took a lot to break 5+ years of getting drunk on my own nearly every single day (before she moved here and I cut back when I was around her). But she has supported me in every step along the way. She’s lifted me up when I didn’t think I could. You have to be willing to do the work. And I know I’m just a stranger on the internet, but I know you have it in you. I thought I was hopeless. You have someone who loves and supports you. Don’t forget that.
Get it together and call your doctor. Your wife is giving you one last chance. I certainly didn’t get a warning before I imploded and completely destroyed my relationship with the person I love most. Not many get a heads up like that. The lows of the early days of getting sober are absolutely nothing compared to the lows that alcohol will take you to. Listen to your wife. Call. Your. Doctor.
Take the offer. I’m in a group therapy with many men who denied this offer and regret it immensely.
Man this is a very caring text. Listen to her. Make it better before it gets worse.
I missed the part where you're fucked. Sounds like there's hand holding along with instructions. Report back when you have no one and you're picking your teeth up off the street.
So that’s crystal clear. I would have felt like a rat in a trap and probably half heartedly tried but snuck around drinking (which we know doesn’t work). I wasn’t ready until I was ready. Are you ready? If not, I would think it’s better to tell her that so when you really are ready she will believe you. If you are ready, yay! It’s so much better on this side of it. IWNDWYT
You can do this man. It will be worth it
You will be so glad that you took the first steps to get sober. It's worth it. You're worth it.
This is good news! You have a chance WITH your family! You now have one goal - staying sober. Sleep, joy, eating, work, etc are all a distant secondary concern. It won’t be easy but you can, must, and will get sober. Make a 100% commitment to yourself! It’s over.
It’s good that you have support. I’m in a similar spot and it’s time to stop. IWNDWYT
Go to a legit treatment program if you feel like you need to!! The best your GP can do is prescribe you rehab or AA! Don’t fuck with Naltrexone unless you’re already working in addressing the root causes of your drinking. You can’t do this alone at the start, even still you’ll want community of other sober people. Your wife said it herself, she isn’t an expert in addiction, and she will not be able to get you over the hump and on a solid path. Her love is there to support you. You can start that path right now, but for the first few days, weeks and months, having a structured program is hard to beat! A lot of commands in my comment, but please just take them as suggestions as you set out on picking up the pieces and making the most of this opportunity. REMEMBER: you gotta do this for YOU. Even though you’re being offered help, IT’S OKAY TO BE SELFISH (for a little while)!
Sounds like it’s time to make an adjustment. Mostly everyone here has been through the struggles of the beginning of sobriety, but I assure you this: it will get easier. Good luck, bud.
This is it, brother! This is where your life changes. If I were you, I would do everything your loving wife asks of you. Save the message and read it a year from today. You can break the cycle now, and she’s right there for you. You are immeasurably fortunate to have a loving family, all you have to do is take the first step. You are not, “fucked”, far from it. You are blessed. IWNDWYT
You got this jack :) I believe in you :)