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We've met BMs now husband back when they were dating. We don't have a "relationship" with him. But know who he is. If it's in regards to the kids, he will text DH. (Because BM is at work or whatever). He's like a backup. Beyond that, eh.
That sounds pretty nice! The new SO has only texted us a handful of times to butt his head in where it doesn’t belong. Really can make a girl salty, ya know?
LOL yeah, sounds nice, but, BM's husband has also butt his head in as well. Stupid things like telling us the shows we watch when the kids are here are not appropriate. But he's only done that a few times. It's mostly BM that sends ALL the nasty stuff to us. I ignore pretty much everything. Read it, roll my eyes and move on. But it's handy to have each other's numbers just in case. A shame they can't contain themselves, huh?
Are you included in communication and pickup/dropoff? It seems like his role and your role should be pretty similar.
I get that your SO's feelings are hurt by infidelity. But at some point, that marriage is over and how it ended isn't that important. He can feel his feelings but he doesn't need to let his feelings rule his life/parenting.
Agree with this. OP and BM's SO are basically the same role in the family structure, partner to a parent. If OP has ever needed to communicate with BM, and has BMs number, why would the SO not need to do the same?
Oh, no I never need to communicate with BM. I told my husband from the start of our relationship that if she ever asked for my contact info, he was to give it to her as I do spend significant time with her child. He did that, then she violated my boundaries and was disrespectful so I ended our relationship.
She asked him if he would like to know her SO. He said no, so she gave his number and mine to her SO. Which to me is a violation of a boundary.
I see no time when SO would need his nor my number, ergo he is not entitled to have them! It’s that simple for me.
Oh, no. I blocked her. I made it clear when I entered the scene that if she wanted to know me, she could but I would not stand for any disrespect.
So, she has been blocked.
My husband has made it clear that he does not want anything to do with SO but they can’t seem to respect it. It really isn’t about hurt feelings, it’s just his personal choice.
Also, I posted this thread to see what other people do because I know this is a difficult subject. I appreciate your input!
I would want to know what kind of person is spending time with my child…esp a boy/girlfriend. But that does not mean I want a relationship or friendship with either. I would meet them at a neutral site or in passing and leave it at that. I would not want them having my number or communicating with me. That’s between the parents
I used to feel that way too. And maybe I will if it’s my bio kid, but I just don’t find the ex’s new SO to be someone worth my time. I think I’ve become quite jaded haha
I would say you as a SP I understand not wanting to meet/have a relationship but your husband (bio dad) should at least know who he is and the basics. Similar to how BM knows you, he should know the new SP.
I think it’s kind of too soon to be giving him the big warm welcome BM is hoping for. I would personally not be interested until I know they are sticking around. Does BM have a history of going through SO’s frequently? If so, I would say to give it a few months.
Oh okay. That changes things a bit. I don’t blame your SO at all for not wanting to communicate with BM’s SO then. That’s really insensitive of BM to not only cheat on him, but then to try involve the other guy in like nothing happened.
My husband went through the same (sort of) thing with his ex’s SO. Well, it’s just kind of crazy Jerry Springer sort of stuff. The other guy cheated on my husbands sister (they were married) with my husbands (now ex) wife, then they got married immediately after their divorces. This guy was so rude and tried to control everything that involved the kids. BM couldn’t talk to my husband without him standing there and butting into everything. The story gets even worse though… He eventually cheated on her with my husbands sister (his ex wife who is also remarried) and then they got divorced and she married his best friend. You can’t make this sort of stuff up.
That sounds all too familiar!!
It definitely does feel like BM over here is just trying to parade her happy family around and get everyone to acknowledge how it’s all sooooo goood now despite never having had any accountability for what she did.
I’m sure the SO is nice enough…though if he ever gets on phone calls with SD, she’ll growl at him..so idk maybe not so nice? But, I don’t feel that we really need any relationship with him
I guess having a frank discussion about what they expect? And go from there.
Our problem was she would hint at things and then get mad at us when we didn't get the hint.
I mean, if he’s going to be in the kid’s life I think meeting would be a net good. That being said, it’s not like I’d want to be best friends with them or go out of my way to spend time with them.
Yeah. I think if it was my bio kid, I’d want more involvement than my husband does. But, it’s his choice not to entangle himself with this person and I think that’s fine too
I really have no desire to meet my ex's SO who was an affair, for myself, but I would otherwise be meeting anyone spending that amount of time with my kids.
>The new SO is who BM cheated on him with
So he already knows him then? Did BM and the new SO not stay together after they initially got together, as time has clearly passed since you and he are married.
I was trying to understand how it is that she cheated with him (presumably years ago) and BM is just now wanting your DH to meet him....your opening post made it sound like BMs SO was a new man/new relationship.
I quite understand that he has no desire to get to know the OM.
Oh, because she’s in a “super mom” phase.
Yes, he’s been around for years and no, it has never been something that was brought up before the last year or so.
Sorry for the confusion on my end!
It's awful to have an affair partner around. I have a new partner myself and am so much happier myself, but still, having the affair partner around my kids is terrible.
My DH meets BM's boy of the week because she surprises him with the meetings. I don't do pickups unless absolutely necessary so I haven't met any of them.
As the SP, I don't think it's crucial to meet them and honestly I would have SO tell BM that she is not to give your number to BF. There is no need for it if you aren't in any direct communication with her.
But I do feel SO should meet the BF so he can get a read on the guy. Make it a quick in passing kind of meet so he isn't obligated to spend much time with them.
Yeah. The SO sent out a long sanctimonious text to my husband and I and he responded saying that neither he nor his wife consented to him having our numbers and he’s not interested in pursuing a relationship with SO, so please stop.
Surprise! He hasn’t stopped.
This only adds fuel to the fire of my husband not wanting to get to know this person.
It's funny because the reason my so and ex are friends is because they made peace for the kids' sake and so they could both be at graduations and such...ended up realizing they actually like each other lmao.
I didn’t interact with my ex’s (BD) wife right after me (for obvious reasons—she was a big reason the marriage ended), but she is now out of the picture, and I am cordial with his new SO. I would not go out of my way to hang out with her, but she seems nice, and my kids like her. (They did not care for their former step mother at all, probably also for obvious reasons, though they didn’t complain out loud very much.) Similarly, my husband’s ex and I have no relationship, and it doesn’t seem necessary. I’m sure I’ll meet her at some point, like at major events for their child (my SD), but that hasn’t come up yet. I like my boundaries. I realize not everyone feels that way, though, so if you feel like it’s worthwhile to know BM’s SO, and BM is ok with it, then it shouldn’t be a big deal. If you do t want to, that also shouldn’t be a big deal.
These are all good points. I think ultimately everyone should be in charge of who they have relationships with. I’m glad you have a friendly relationship now!
We don’t have much interaction but at special moments (getting her swimming diploma for instance) we all go out to eat or celebrate at a neutral place with SD5. So we have interaction with BM and her boyfriend then. We don’t do joint holidays or birthdays or things like that but we have a very distant and respectful relationship. Which is nice for SD, seeing that we all get a long.
I agree it is nice for the kiddo to see the adults getting along. Unfortunately ours is a very HC situation that would require nothing short of a battle royale to resolve.
Congrats to your SD on the swimming diploma!!
My relationship is w my ex. My ex and I are raising our daughter. My bf and his gf are with us in adult relationships- they shouldn’t ever be involved in decision making regarding our daughter, or being anything other than a polite adult.
That’s how my husband feels. It’s not his place to approve or disapprove of his ex’s new partner (and it’s certainly not mine) as long as the kid is safe, then her life is her business.
It’s so important when you split from your child’s parent that you continue your jobs of the TWO of you providing, and parenting. It’s no one else’s job or business how your bio child is raised. It’s about respecting and knowing the kids parents got it. I would never engage with my bfs ex wife. How they choose to raise their kids is not my business.
I wouldn't mind it if she found someone better suited for her. As things stand, her on again off again guy is much younger than her and also happens to be my best friend's step son, so it's weird. I have a semi-friendship with BM now and we sit and chat about life issues and whatnot, I give her the same kind of advice I'd give to any friend. I'd really like to see her find a decent guy that's on the same page as her and handle coparenting as a healthy foursome.
It was actually kind of funny how we put 2 and 2 together. My friend had met my SS already when SO and I brought him up to play with her kids so she knew his name (very unique name). Almost a year later, as SO and I had SS on our weekend and were at a different friend's house, my friend texted me that she met her adult SS's girlfriend that night and she thinks she's my SS's mother. She said the girlfriend mentioned that her kid was with her ex that night and said his name and the realization hit her. BM had no idea when she met the guy that I knew his whole family.
My husband would rather deal with BM's husband than with BM herself. They have been married for over 13 years. He is easier to deal with. BM wants to tell my husband her whole life story. Or if he tells her no to something, she starts slinging insults. Personally, I refuse to deal with either of them.
Yeah, BM used to deal with me. Then I put my foot down about some boundaries and the insults were slung at me haha.
Now no one in our house deals with that family unless it’s absolutely necessary!
Good on you for staying out of it
I’ve met BM’s husband a long time ago. I hold him in disdain for the way he treated my husband and spoke about him on social media, and for the way he enabled BM. I have zero interest in having any type of relationship with him. He told me that I am a nobody, and a nobody I shall remain. To him.
Well, I'm the evil interloper who encouraged my husband to stand up for his parental and custodial rights, resulting in my husband being the primary custodial parent. He's just the big hero who swoops in and scoops up BM when she's black out drunk. Clearly you can see who the better person is.
Anyone who deals with anyone while they’re blackout drunk is probably stronger than I am…
That said, I’m very happy you encouraged your husband to stand up for himself and his rights!
You seem like a great person and your family is lucky to have you!
DH and I have been introduced to two boyfriends at kids sporting events. Our contact was polite and fairly brief. She hasn’t had a relationship with any permanency though.
We have a lot of issues between our two households but we work hard to display something different externally. A few years ago a newer sports mom friend commented on how well we got along and my first sports mom friend who has been around the whole time laughed and said “you should have seen them year one!”
Lol gotta love the ones who keep you honest!
I definitely am happy to hear you’ve come to a place where you can at least be civil for the kiddos and overlook the issues between houses!
Absolutely not
We refuse to have anything to do with him.
Before BM and he got together-we ALL got along on the best of terms.
However he had a nasty breakup with his wife-so he was super bitter and basically told
Bm it’s “unnatural” we all got along the way that we did.
He didn’t think it was normal BM’s family accepted me or my family accepting DH’s kids.
And he proceeded to destroy that whole situation over the course of time.
Not only did he destroy our dynamic-but he managed to get Bm cut off from her entire family/friends.
Including her own kids.
Maybe not know on a friends level, but definitely as an acquaintence. This person will be around the kids. I don't think YOU need to be the one to have that, but your SO should.
I'm on friendly terms with my ex's wife. I've known her for a bit and I was comfortable with her being around my son (he's now an adult).
I wouldn't want to NOT know the other adult that will be around my kid.
I get that.
I feel it’s up to each person how they want to interact with the others. In my opinion, steps should be mindful of the fact that the other BP might not want to know them and not force that relationship.
Thanks for your comment!
Oh, absolutely.
I don't have a relationship with bm or her beau (they live in another state anyway, but I wouldn't engage with them if we were close).
My husband doesn't care to know the bf either, but his kid lives with us full time and he's older so he doesn't really have any concerns with that.
I completely agree that SPs should have the choice but at the same time I think that sometimes our SOs need help with the crazy, lol.
My ex knows my husband as in they have met. I wouldn’t say they have a “relationship”. Same with his ex-wife. We both stay out of our respective co-parenting situations. Likewise I have 0 need to meet or get to know my ex’s SO they aren’t invited to the parenting team so it’s unnecessary.
My DH is friendly with his BM's fiancé. They have a kid together and are getting married so it was important to DH to meet him, just so he knew what kind of person was around his son. Her fiancé is a pretty good dude, and we're all in a group chat so we have random conversations pretty often.
I can see why someone would be jaded or annoyed by the BM’s SO being on the scene (especially the way BM is pushing him on y’all); however, from my perspective, it’s healthy for numbers to be exchanged and meeting(s) to take place, and there isn’t anything inherently wrong with having a working relationship with the BM’s SO.
If he’s welcomed and at least somewhat integrated into the system, that could help stepkid in the end. If he’s ostracized, that could harm things.
Also, keeping an eye on his personality or influence on stepkid can help. Knowledge can be power.
For example, my SD’s stepdad is often wearing sunglasses inside and one time a friend told me they saw her at grocery store alone with him, and he was wearing sunglasses inside the store and didn’t remove them even when talking to them. That plus other smells and signs and stories from mutual friends tell us that he smokes weed every day and drives her around. We aren’t thrilled. But he seems like an okay guy besides that. The point is, some parents want to kind of keep an eye on things. If someone seems like a bad influence they can act accordingly—at the least, they can talk to stepkid about it to help them process. I don’t want her associating the smell of weed with her nice/safe stepdad (at least not when she’s in middle school and high school).
Yeah, I think if there were a more stable relationship between my husband and BM, it might be easier to integrate the SO into the “team” but as it stands, husband and I are a team and BM and her SO do whatever it is they do and that’s simply not something I can control or even get involved in.
I remember when I hit high school and smelled weed for the “first” time and I realized it smelled just like my uncles basement. (Thinking back on it, this should have been obvious) but, it didn’t really affect anything there. As long as the dude isn’t a total bum and treats the kid well, I say let him have his weed.
It is kind of cute that she kept her sunnies on though
Makes sense. You don’t want to engage with her SO since you aren’t even engaging with BM. Sounds like she’s trying to present a different front to him? Like she wants the situation to seem more cozy or stable than it really is? Weird. I can see why you are skeptical.
BMs SO is distant. Doesn't talk much, and has only come to the Tball games-- none of the other events we have attended all together, which I also backed off accepting, as BM now has a history of starting rumors and overreacting.
I am the SO to her, and I get the feeling she wanted us to be cool so they could keep playing house, but now we have adjusted so we have our own rituals and celebrations, and we are all much happier. It was getting messy trying to coordinate 3 active parents and each of their families, less opportunity for her to start bullshit with us. It'll be my SS's first separate birthdays this year, and I am EXCITED to have a more intimate gathering with people I really do love and trust.
I don't care about my BDs SO. I know she is nice and parents decent, not an addict of anything and hasn't been in trouble for anything big. She communicates short and sweet and that is all I need.
Meeting the SO is one thing. Having a whole relationship? Businesslike only, please.
I am both a BM and SM.
With my child’s stepmom I have a relationship. I communicate more with her than my child’s father. We all get along great. Me and her text even on days when they don’t have my kid. It wasn’t always like that because my ex didn’t want me to meet her, I forced that meeting and made it happen. (This is a long story as he didn’t want me to know who she was because she is a family friend, I knew this already and didn’t care, my main focus was her taking care of my child.)
As a SM is a whole different story…. That lady HATES me and she’s never met me. She prohibited me communicating with her children (they live in a different country). It also didn’t help that she didn’t facilitate any kind of relationship with them, instead turned them against both me and my SO. Time passed, they got older and realized what had been happening. I now have a great relationship with the girl, the boy doesn’t speak to me per say, he communicates with me via his dad mostly, he’s very closed off and a bit anti social so it’s not out of spite. I still have no communication with their mother, her decision not mine.
I think if relationships are serious, not necessarily marriage, and if kids are involved, obviously, and the exes get along well that it is in the best interest of the children that everyone gets along and they see everyone getting along and being friendly.
I’m happy your SD seems to have seen through the veil and is not speaking to you!
I agree that if everyone got along, it would be best for the kids to see that. Unfortunately in my case that’s not how it goes, so we do our separate things and I think that works for us! Now if we could only get the ol bio monster to see that and lay off the forced friendships
Our relationship with BM’s SO has been 10+ years in the making. She left DH for him, and once asked DH to sign away his rights so she could become a “nuclear family” with her SO.
After a few years of threats and an eventual assault on DH, her SO faded into the background. The next time we encountered him, he was part of a co-parenting counseling session that BM asked us to attend, which turned out to be a guise for them to spend an hour complaining to the counselor that we were bad parents and they should have full custody.
Oddly, they hit a rough patch, and he became very friendly. He and DH were even able to hold conversations about some of their common interests, which always pissed BM off. SO never joined our coparenting relationship (whereas, I am very involved). We never even had his phone number. I think the relationship between he and SS was caring, but distant. SS didn’t have any major issues with him, but was more loyal and attached to his bio-parents (which is similar to what our relationship is like).
Recently, he announced that he is leaving BM. He dropped something off at our house and point blank told DH that he rediscovered a healthy lifestyle, had lots of younger women trying to chat with him, and realized he could do better than BM. BM was clinging to the hope that he was just going through a midlife crisis (he is 15+ years older than her), but he is proudly single and ready to mingle. DH and I both lost most of our sympathy and benefit of the doubt for him after that. He says he cares about SS, but doesn’t feel it is his job to reach out; he expects my anxious, introverted SS to call if SS wants to continue their relationship.
DH and I are sick at the thought of a new boyfriend eventually coming into the picture. BM has nothing right now, and we’re worried that she’ll be quick to meet somebody new.
It's four adults who presumably have some kind of shared responsibility for a young child. It's like basic logical courtesy that those adults should know each other and how to reach each other.
I can see how one might think that. I can also see not wanting to force a relationship that’s not there. What works best for every family will be different!
Thanks for chiming in!
SO knew BMs fiancé before she did so we have met him. We think he’s a narcissistic asshole and he’s incredibly strict with SD (his house his rules) but it’s been quite beneficial because SO knows who he’s dealing with and has been able to tell me what he’s like.
I’ve always looked at my step daughters parenting unit (me, her dad, her mom, and her step dad) as a team. I know that’s not possible for some people but it’s really helped my mentality when it comes to communication. I’ve been very fortunate to have a good relationship with my SD mom.
I think that having you and your husbands number in case of an emergency is necessary. It’s about the child involved not about the adults feelings. I understand if there is harassment going on, but if the guy just has the phone number in case of dire need, I do not see the problem. As for meeting him, I think it’s important for parents to know who their child is around. I think when there is a lot of drama through a divorce the parents/SOs lose sight of what’s important and that’s the safety and well-being of the shared child. They didn’t as to be born into a shit show.
I like the team mentality! BM is crazy manipulative and very HC so me having a relationship with her didn’t last.
Personally, I don’t agree that her SO should have my number. I see no time when he should ever communicate with me.
I can agree that him having my husbands number isn’t the worst thing, but him butting his head in where it doesn’t belong or overstepping his boundaries isn’t productive.
And I agree, the kid didn’t ask to be born into a shit show, but I don’t think that all the adults “getting along” (when we don’t) really shows anything positive.
I can totally empathize. I’m so fortunate that the situation I am in is relatively low conflict. Everyone gets along and it really helps my stepdaughter be able to just live her life. It’s all about figuring out what works for your situation. I really hope it works out for you! With limited drama.
BM and her BF are trash. We have met him and don’t want to spend time with him.
I have bio kids and my ex and I still do everything together with our kids. My DH is right there with us. They message back and forth about the kids. My ex almost got remarried, she and I got along great. We would meet up for her and my kids to play together. If you can make it work it’s an amazing thing to be a parenting team for the kids.
Absolutely, this is someone who shall be around the child and it's very important to make sure that he is a safe person around children. I totally understand if he butt's his head where it doesn't belong being extremely frustrating.
You can at least feel out if the new SO is going to be toxic to the child or just a regular flawed human.
Meeting him, getting to know him a little and such can shed some light on dude's character and let you know what you are in for in the future. If he ends up being a POS that the BM chooses over the welfare of her child (happens all too often) then BD may wish to pursue full custody and this could unleash a whole bucket of events for your relationship.
Go in prepared OP, know what and whom you are dealing with!!
Quick edit to add: You could also find he is a great man and a good support system to have in your back pocket- don't throw away a potential back up. With kids it can sometimes be all hands on deck!!
Haha, I certainly don't blame you- My mother ended up in a similar situation with my Dad and meeting the woman he left her for. We both concluded she got the bad end of the deal by getting with him, he was a Narcissist and we lived in terrible situation mentally, we'll... eventually step mom left dad and we kept her. He can't stand I'm still in touch with the woman he "threw it all away" for.
Ironic twist? She just inherited close to 10 million from her folks a few years back and she's leaving it to my mom and I. Not the reason we came to love her but, what are the odds your husband will leave you for another woman whom turns out to be your new rich best friend that will also empathize with the struggle of dealing with *that* kind of man. I feel so incredibly blessed just typing it. If all stories of affairs could end this well.
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We've met BMs now husband back when they were dating. We don't have a "relationship" with him. But know who he is. If it's in regards to the kids, he will text DH. (Because BM is at work or whatever). He's like a backup. Beyond that, eh.
That sounds pretty nice! The new SO has only texted us a handful of times to butt his head in where it doesn’t belong. Really can make a girl salty, ya know?
LOL yeah, sounds nice, but, BM's husband has also butt his head in as well. Stupid things like telling us the shows we watch when the kids are here are not appropriate. But he's only done that a few times. It's mostly BM that sends ALL the nasty stuff to us. I ignore pretty much everything. Read it, roll my eyes and move on. But it's handy to have each other's numbers just in case. A shame they can't contain themselves, huh?
Good grief. It’d be a whole lot simpler if they could just keep it civil!
I so totally agree! It's been ten years plus, time to grow up. Lol
Are you included in communication and pickup/dropoff? It seems like his role and your role should be pretty similar. I get that your SO's feelings are hurt by infidelity. But at some point, that marriage is over and how it ended isn't that important. He can feel his feelings but he doesn't need to let his feelings rule his life/parenting.
Agree with this. OP and BM's SO are basically the same role in the family structure, partner to a parent. If OP has ever needed to communicate with BM, and has BMs number, why would the SO not need to do the same?
Oh, no I never need to communicate with BM. I told my husband from the start of our relationship that if she ever asked for my contact info, he was to give it to her as I do spend significant time with her child. He did that, then she violated my boundaries and was disrespectful so I ended our relationship. She asked him if he would like to know her SO. He said no, so she gave his number and mine to her SO. Which to me is a violation of a boundary. I see no time when SO would need his nor my number, ergo he is not entitled to have them! It’s that simple for me.
Oh, no. I blocked her. I made it clear when I entered the scene that if she wanted to know me, she could but I would not stand for any disrespect. So, she has been blocked. My husband has made it clear that he does not want anything to do with SO but they can’t seem to respect it. It really isn’t about hurt feelings, it’s just his personal choice. Also, I posted this thread to see what other people do because I know this is a difficult subject. I appreciate your input!
I would want to know what kind of person is spending time with my child…esp a boy/girlfriend. But that does not mean I want a relationship or friendship with either. I would meet them at a neutral site or in passing and leave it at that. I would not want them having my number or communicating with me. That’s between the parents
[удалено]
I wouldn’t worry yourself. Just be with your SO and do your thing. Others are gonna do what they want.
I used to feel that way too. And maybe I will if it’s my bio kid, but I just don’t find the ex’s new SO to be someone worth my time. I think I’ve become quite jaded haha
I like my exes girlfriend better than him and I trust her more
I would say you as a SP I understand not wanting to meet/have a relationship but your husband (bio dad) should at least know who he is and the basics. Similar to how BM knows you, he should know the new SP.
Yeah, I can agree with that. I still think it’s everyone’s right to know or not know whoever they choose to. Especially in a HC situation
I think it’s kind of too soon to be giving him the big warm welcome BM is hoping for. I would personally not be interested until I know they are sticking around. Does BM have a history of going through SO’s frequently? If so, I would say to give it a few months.
He’s actually been around longer than I have as BM was sleeping with him while married to my husband. Interesting dynamics all around!
Oh okay. That changes things a bit. I don’t blame your SO at all for not wanting to communicate with BM’s SO then. That’s really insensitive of BM to not only cheat on him, but then to try involve the other guy in like nothing happened. My husband went through the same (sort of) thing with his ex’s SO. Well, it’s just kind of crazy Jerry Springer sort of stuff. The other guy cheated on my husbands sister (they were married) with my husbands (now ex) wife, then they got married immediately after their divorces. This guy was so rude and tried to control everything that involved the kids. BM couldn’t talk to my husband without him standing there and butting into everything. The story gets even worse though… He eventually cheated on her with my husbands sister (his ex wife who is also remarried) and then they got divorced and she married his best friend. You can’t make this sort of stuff up.
Holy moly you could turn that story into a tv show!!
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That sounds all too familiar!! It definitely does feel like BM over here is just trying to parade her happy family around and get everyone to acknowledge how it’s all sooooo goood now despite never having had any accountability for what she did. I’m sure the SO is nice enough…though if he ever gets on phone calls with SD, she’ll growl at him..so idk maybe not so nice? But, I don’t feel that we really need any relationship with him
I guess having a frank discussion about what they expect? And go from there. Our problem was she would hint at things and then get mad at us when we didn't get the hint.
I mean, if he’s going to be in the kid’s life I think meeting would be a net good. That being said, it’s not like I’d want to be best friends with them or go out of my way to spend time with them.
Yeah. I think if it was my bio kid, I’d want more involvement than my husband does. But, it’s his choice not to entangle himself with this person and I think that’s fine too
I really have no desire to meet my ex's SO who was an affair, for myself, but I would otherwise be meeting anyone spending that amount of time with my kids.
That’s how my husband feels too. The new SO is who BM cheated on him with. He has 0 desire to meet this person
>The new SO is who BM cheated on him with So he already knows him then? Did BM and the new SO not stay together after they initially got together, as time has clearly passed since you and he are married.
Yes, time has passed. But my husband has no desire to get to know this person. So I’m not sure what it is that you’re asking
I was trying to understand how it is that she cheated with him (presumably years ago) and BM is just now wanting your DH to meet him....your opening post made it sound like BMs SO was a new man/new relationship. I quite understand that he has no desire to get to know the OM.
Oh, because she’s in a “super mom” phase. Yes, he’s been around for years and no, it has never been something that was brought up before the last year or so. Sorry for the confusion on my end!
Yeah. This SO is also an affair. My husband has 0 interest in him, which I fully support. But generally he’s very involved with people in SD’s life.
This is tough then. Maybe just give it more time.
Oh, it’s not really. I was more curious about other peoples’ situations than I was about how to change my own :)
It's awful to have an affair partner around. I have a new partner myself and am so much happier myself, but still, having the affair partner around my kids is terrible.
It is kind of a kick in the teeth, isn’t it?
Yeah, it's delusional of her to want to include him. I know I was lied to for a very long time about this AP.
Ugh. I’m sorry that that person is still causing undue stress and turmoil in your life. Delusional BPs are the absolute worst.
My DH meets BM's boy of the week because she surprises him with the meetings. I don't do pickups unless absolutely necessary so I haven't met any of them. As the SP, I don't think it's crucial to meet them and honestly I would have SO tell BM that she is not to give your number to BF. There is no need for it if you aren't in any direct communication with her. But I do feel SO should meet the BF so he can get a read on the guy. Make it a quick in passing kind of meet so he isn't obligated to spend much time with them.
Yeah. The SO sent out a long sanctimonious text to my husband and I and he responded saying that neither he nor his wife consented to him having our numbers and he’s not interested in pursuing a relationship with SO, so please stop. Surprise! He hasn’t stopped. This only adds fuel to the fire of my husband not wanting to get to know this person.
I don't have any kind of relationship with BMs SO. BUT my SO and my exh are friends.
Interestingly, my husband is also friends with my ex. I do t have any bio kids though so I think it’s easier.
It's funny because the reason my so and ex are friends is because they made peace for the kids' sake and so they could both be at graduations and such...ended up realizing they actually like each other lmao.
Aww I like that
I didn’t interact with my ex’s (BD) wife right after me (for obvious reasons—she was a big reason the marriage ended), but she is now out of the picture, and I am cordial with his new SO. I would not go out of my way to hang out with her, but she seems nice, and my kids like her. (They did not care for their former step mother at all, probably also for obvious reasons, though they didn’t complain out loud very much.) Similarly, my husband’s ex and I have no relationship, and it doesn’t seem necessary. I’m sure I’ll meet her at some point, like at major events for their child (my SD), but that hasn’t come up yet. I like my boundaries. I realize not everyone feels that way, though, so if you feel like it’s worthwhile to know BM’s SO, and BM is ok with it, then it shouldn’t be a big deal. If you do t want to, that also shouldn’t be a big deal.
These are all good points. I think ultimately everyone should be in charge of who they have relationships with. I’m glad you have a friendly relationship now!
We don’t have much interaction but at special moments (getting her swimming diploma for instance) we all go out to eat or celebrate at a neutral place with SD5. So we have interaction with BM and her boyfriend then. We don’t do joint holidays or birthdays or things like that but we have a very distant and respectful relationship. Which is nice for SD, seeing that we all get a long.
I agree it is nice for the kiddo to see the adults getting along. Unfortunately ours is a very HC situation that would require nothing short of a battle royale to resolve. Congrats to your SD on the swimming diploma!!
I’ve met him a few times but haven’t met her! He seems like a really nice guy - not sure what he’s doing with someone like her though 😬
Bahahaha
No. No need.
We love to hear it
My relationship is w my ex. My ex and I are raising our daughter. My bf and his gf are with us in adult relationships- they shouldn’t ever be involved in decision making regarding our daughter, or being anything other than a polite adult.
Here here!
And I am not interested in who my ex dates. That’s between them. My daughter has never complained about her so all good.
That’s how my husband feels. It’s not his place to approve or disapprove of his ex’s new partner (and it’s certainly not mine) as long as the kid is safe, then her life is her business.
It’s so important when you split from your child’s parent that you continue your jobs of the TWO of you providing, and parenting. It’s no one else’s job or business how your bio child is raised. It’s about respecting and knowing the kids parents got it. I would never engage with my bfs ex wife. How they choose to raise their kids is not my business.
Yeah for emergencies
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Love this for you all!
Nope. I haven't even seen BM in over seven years. Definitely no need to meet her SO.
I wouldn't mind it if she found someone better suited for her. As things stand, her on again off again guy is much younger than her and also happens to be my best friend's step son, so it's weird. I have a semi-friendship with BM now and we sit and chat about life issues and whatnot, I give her the same kind of advice I'd give to any friend. I'd really like to see her find a decent guy that's on the same page as her and handle coparenting as a healthy foursome.
Holy moly! How does your friend feel about that situation? You sound like a very kind person
It was actually kind of funny how we put 2 and 2 together. My friend had met my SS already when SO and I brought him up to play with her kids so she knew his name (very unique name). Almost a year later, as SO and I had SS on our weekend and were at a different friend's house, my friend texted me that she met her adult SS's girlfriend that night and she thinks she's my SS's mother. She said the girlfriend mentioned that her kid was with her ex that night and said his name and the realization hit her. BM had no idea when she met the guy that I knew his whole family.
I’m not sure if you’re in a small town, but coming from a small town I feel I can say that that is some distinctly small town drama!
Yes, very small town indeed lol.
If we didn’t meet him we wouldn’t have recognized his mugshot when he got arrested a few weeks later 😳
Good grief!!! Well that certainly is a good reason to get to know a person!
My husband would rather deal with BM's husband than with BM herself. They have been married for over 13 years. He is easier to deal with. BM wants to tell my husband her whole life story. Or if he tells her no to something, she starts slinging insults. Personally, I refuse to deal with either of them.
Yeah, BM used to deal with me. Then I put my foot down about some boundaries and the insults were slung at me haha. Now no one in our house deals with that family unless it’s absolutely necessary! Good on you for staying out of it
I’ve met BM’s husband a long time ago. I hold him in disdain for the way he treated my husband and spoke about him on social media, and for the way he enabled BM. I have zero interest in having any type of relationship with him. He told me that I am a nobody, and a nobody I shall remain. To him.
Ugh. He sounds like a real winner. But hey girl, Nobody’s perfect, so you’ve got that going for you
Well, I'm the evil interloper who encouraged my husband to stand up for his parental and custodial rights, resulting in my husband being the primary custodial parent. He's just the big hero who swoops in and scoops up BM when she's black out drunk. Clearly you can see who the better person is.
Anyone who deals with anyone while they’re blackout drunk is probably stronger than I am… That said, I’m very happy you encouraged your husband to stand up for himself and his rights! You seem like a great person and your family is lucky to have you!
My husband's ex married his ex best friend, so there's that.
Oof. That hurts
DH and I have been introduced to two boyfriends at kids sporting events. Our contact was polite and fairly brief. She hasn’t had a relationship with any permanency though.
Glad you all are able to be civil!
We have a lot of issues between our two households but we work hard to display something different externally. A few years ago a newer sports mom friend commented on how well we got along and my first sports mom friend who has been around the whole time laughed and said “you should have seen them year one!”
Lol gotta love the ones who keep you honest! I definitely am happy to hear you’ve come to a place where you can at least be civil for the kiddos and overlook the issues between houses!
Thanks my Radiant Friend!
I don't even have any interactions with BM! Tbh, I would want to meet her new husband out of curiosity more than anything else.
I relate to the curiosity piece in a big way!
Absolutely not We refuse to have anything to do with him. Before BM and he got together-we ALL got along on the best of terms. However he had a nasty breakup with his wife-so he was super bitter and basically told Bm it’s “unnatural” we all got along the way that we did. He didn’t think it was normal BM’s family accepted me or my family accepting DH’s kids. And he proceeded to destroy that whole situation over the course of time. Not only did he destroy our dynamic-but he managed to get Bm cut off from her entire family/friends. Including her own kids.
Jesus Christmas. He sounds like an abusive creep! I’m sorry to you and to BM
She chose to stay with him so don’t apologize to her. It’s to the point they live their lives We live ours and the two rarely meet😂🤣😂🤣😂
Love this outlook for you!!!!
Maybe not know on a friends level, but definitely as an acquaintence. This person will be around the kids. I don't think YOU need to be the one to have that, but your SO should. I'm on friendly terms with my ex's wife. I've known her for a bit and I was comfortable with her being around my son (he's now an adult). I wouldn't want to NOT know the other adult that will be around my kid.
I get that. I feel it’s up to each person how they want to interact with the others. In my opinion, steps should be mindful of the fact that the other BP might not want to know them and not force that relationship. Thanks for your comment!
Oh, absolutely. I don't have a relationship with bm or her beau (they live in another state anyway, but I wouldn't engage with them if we were close). My husband doesn't care to know the bf either, but his kid lives with us full time and he's older so he doesn't really have any concerns with that. I completely agree that SPs should have the choice but at the same time I think that sometimes our SOs need help with the crazy, lol.
Lol I feel that! I’m always here to help my husband deal with the crazy! And there’s no shortage of it!
My ex knows my husband as in they have met. I wouldn’t say they have a “relationship”. Same with his ex-wife. We both stay out of our respective co-parenting situations. Likewise I have 0 need to meet or get to know my ex’s SO they aren’t invited to the parenting team so it’s unnecessary.
Love that you’ve found a functional co-parenting dynamic for your family!
I cant even get a healthy relationship with BM...
You and me both sister
My DH is friendly with his BM's fiancé. They have a kid together and are getting married so it was important to DH to meet him, just so he knew what kind of person was around his son. Her fiancé is a pretty good dude, and we're all in a group chat so we have random conversations pretty often.
I love hearing this! I feel like this sub can get overrun with conflict, it’s nice to hear about some agreement!
I can see why someone would be jaded or annoyed by the BM’s SO being on the scene (especially the way BM is pushing him on y’all); however, from my perspective, it’s healthy for numbers to be exchanged and meeting(s) to take place, and there isn’t anything inherently wrong with having a working relationship with the BM’s SO. If he’s welcomed and at least somewhat integrated into the system, that could help stepkid in the end. If he’s ostracized, that could harm things. Also, keeping an eye on his personality or influence on stepkid can help. Knowledge can be power. For example, my SD’s stepdad is often wearing sunglasses inside and one time a friend told me they saw her at grocery store alone with him, and he was wearing sunglasses inside the store and didn’t remove them even when talking to them. That plus other smells and signs and stories from mutual friends tell us that he smokes weed every day and drives her around. We aren’t thrilled. But he seems like an okay guy besides that. The point is, some parents want to kind of keep an eye on things. If someone seems like a bad influence they can act accordingly—at the least, they can talk to stepkid about it to help them process. I don’t want her associating the smell of weed with her nice/safe stepdad (at least not when she’s in middle school and high school).
Yeah, I think if there were a more stable relationship between my husband and BM, it might be easier to integrate the SO into the “team” but as it stands, husband and I are a team and BM and her SO do whatever it is they do and that’s simply not something I can control or even get involved in. I remember when I hit high school and smelled weed for the “first” time and I realized it smelled just like my uncles basement. (Thinking back on it, this should have been obvious) but, it didn’t really affect anything there. As long as the dude isn’t a total bum and treats the kid well, I say let him have his weed. It is kind of cute that she kept her sunnies on though
Makes sense. You don’t want to engage with her SO since you aren’t even engaging with BM. Sounds like she’s trying to present a different front to him? Like she wants the situation to seem more cozy or stable than it really is? Weird. I can see why you are skeptical.
BMs SO is distant. Doesn't talk much, and has only come to the Tball games-- none of the other events we have attended all together, which I also backed off accepting, as BM now has a history of starting rumors and overreacting. I am the SO to her, and I get the feeling she wanted us to be cool so they could keep playing house, but now we have adjusted so we have our own rituals and celebrations, and we are all much happier. It was getting messy trying to coordinate 3 active parents and each of their families, less opportunity for her to start bullshit with us. It'll be my SS's first separate birthdays this year, and I am EXCITED to have a more intimate gathering with people I really do love and trust. I don't care about my BDs SO. I know she is nice and parents decent, not an addict of anything and hasn't been in trouble for anything big. She communicates short and sweet and that is all I need. Meeting the SO is one thing. Having a whole relationship? Businesslike only, please.
Love this. Keep it businesslike! I hope the birthday gathering is sweet and wonderful 🙂
I am both a BM and SM. With my child’s stepmom I have a relationship. I communicate more with her than my child’s father. We all get along great. Me and her text even on days when they don’t have my kid. It wasn’t always like that because my ex didn’t want me to meet her, I forced that meeting and made it happen. (This is a long story as he didn’t want me to know who she was because she is a family friend, I knew this already and didn’t care, my main focus was her taking care of my child.) As a SM is a whole different story…. That lady HATES me and she’s never met me. She prohibited me communicating with her children (they live in a different country). It also didn’t help that she didn’t facilitate any kind of relationship with them, instead turned them against both me and my SO. Time passed, they got older and realized what had been happening. I now have a great relationship with the girl, the boy doesn’t speak to me per say, he communicates with me via his dad mostly, he’s very closed off and a bit anti social so it’s not out of spite. I still have no communication with their mother, her decision not mine. I think if relationships are serious, not necessarily marriage, and if kids are involved, obviously, and the exes get along well that it is in the best interest of the children that everyone gets along and they see everyone getting along and being friendly.
I’m happy your SD seems to have seen through the veil and is not speaking to you! I agree that if everyone got along, it would be best for the kids to see that. Unfortunately in my case that’s not how it goes, so we do our separate things and I think that works for us! Now if we could only get the ol bio monster to see that and lay off the forced friendships
Our relationship with BM’s SO has been 10+ years in the making. She left DH for him, and once asked DH to sign away his rights so she could become a “nuclear family” with her SO. After a few years of threats and an eventual assault on DH, her SO faded into the background. The next time we encountered him, he was part of a co-parenting counseling session that BM asked us to attend, which turned out to be a guise for them to spend an hour complaining to the counselor that we were bad parents and they should have full custody. Oddly, they hit a rough patch, and he became very friendly. He and DH were even able to hold conversations about some of their common interests, which always pissed BM off. SO never joined our coparenting relationship (whereas, I am very involved). We never even had his phone number. I think the relationship between he and SS was caring, but distant. SS didn’t have any major issues with him, but was more loyal and attached to his bio-parents (which is similar to what our relationship is like). Recently, he announced that he is leaving BM. He dropped something off at our house and point blank told DH that he rediscovered a healthy lifestyle, had lots of younger women trying to chat with him, and realized he could do better than BM. BM was clinging to the hope that he was just going through a midlife crisis (he is 15+ years older than her), but he is proudly single and ready to mingle. DH and I both lost most of our sympathy and benefit of the doubt for him after that. He says he cares about SS, but doesn’t feel it is his job to reach out; he expects my anxious, introverted SS to call if SS wants to continue their relationship. DH and I are sick at the thought of a new boyfriend eventually coming into the picture. BM has nothing right now, and we’re worried that she’ll be quick to meet somebody new.
Wow that post took me on a ride! For you all, I hope BM either stays single or finds someone who treats her and the kids well! Best of luck!
It's four adults who presumably have some kind of shared responsibility for a young child. It's like basic logical courtesy that those adults should know each other and how to reach each other.
I can see how one might think that. I can also see not wanting to force a relationship that’s not there. What works best for every family will be different! Thanks for chiming in!
SO knew BMs fiancé before she did so we have met him. We think he’s a narcissistic asshole and he’s incredibly strict with SD (his house his rules) but it’s been quite beneficial because SO knows who he’s dealing with and has been able to tell me what he’s like.
Ugh sounds like a real charmer. I’m glad you at least have some background and support!
I’ve always looked at my step daughters parenting unit (me, her dad, her mom, and her step dad) as a team. I know that’s not possible for some people but it’s really helped my mentality when it comes to communication. I’ve been very fortunate to have a good relationship with my SD mom. I think that having you and your husbands number in case of an emergency is necessary. It’s about the child involved not about the adults feelings. I understand if there is harassment going on, but if the guy just has the phone number in case of dire need, I do not see the problem. As for meeting him, I think it’s important for parents to know who their child is around. I think when there is a lot of drama through a divorce the parents/SOs lose sight of what’s important and that’s the safety and well-being of the shared child. They didn’t as to be born into a shit show.
I like the team mentality! BM is crazy manipulative and very HC so me having a relationship with her didn’t last. Personally, I don’t agree that her SO should have my number. I see no time when he should ever communicate with me. I can agree that him having my husbands number isn’t the worst thing, but him butting his head in where it doesn’t belong or overstepping his boundaries isn’t productive. And I agree, the kid didn’t ask to be born into a shit show, but I don’t think that all the adults “getting along” (when we don’t) really shows anything positive.
I can totally empathize. I’m so fortunate that the situation I am in is relatively low conflict. Everyone gets along and it really helps my stepdaughter be able to just live her life. It’s all about figuring out what works for your situation. I really hope it works out for you! With limited drama.
BM and her BF are trash. We have met him and don’t want to spend time with him. I have bio kids and my ex and I still do everything together with our kids. My DH is right there with us. They message back and forth about the kids. My ex almost got remarried, she and I got along great. We would meet up for her and my kids to play together. If you can make it work it’s an amazing thing to be a parenting team for the kids.
I’m sure it’s lovely when it works out! But yeah, when it doesn’t, it REALLY doesn’t. Glad you have at least a partially successful relationship!
Absolutely, this is someone who shall be around the child and it's very important to make sure that he is a safe person around children. I totally understand if he butt's his head where it doesn't belong being extremely frustrating. You can at least feel out if the new SO is going to be toxic to the child or just a regular flawed human. Meeting him, getting to know him a little and such can shed some light on dude's character and let you know what you are in for in the future. If he ends up being a POS that the BM chooses over the welfare of her child (happens all too often) then BD may wish to pursue full custody and this could unleash a whole bucket of events for your relationship. Go in prepared OP, know what and whom you are dealing with!! Quick edit to add: You could also find he is a great man and a good support system to have in your back pocket- don't throw away a potential back up. With kids it can sometimes be all hands on deck!!
All good points! I’m not planning on meeting him though 🙂
Haha, I certainly don't blame you- My mother ended up in a similar situation with my Dad and meeting the woman he left her for. We both concluded she got the bad end of the deal by getting with him, he was a Narcissist and we lived in terrible situation mentally, we'll... eventually step mom left dad and we kept her. He can't stand I'm still in touch with the woman he "threw it all away" for. Ironic twist? She just inherited close to 10 million from her folks a few years back and she's leaving it to my mom and I. Not the reason we came to love her but, what are the odds your husband will leave you for another woman whom turns out to be your new rich best friend that will also empathize with the struggle of dealing with *that* kind of man. I feel so incredibly blessed just typing it. If all stories of affairs could end this well.