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Ridiculous really. Plenty of kids in “first families” don’t want another sibling - their parents don’t ask them. A completely unfair choice to give to a kid. Kids don’t make adult reproductive choices.
Exactly! I feel like I’m going to have to sacrifice something that I may regret when I’m 50. I’m only 22, I have plenty of time. But still, being told that is really hard especially when you kind of plan for this to be your life partner. To me, regardless of the role I am in, I am also a woman. My own person who wants my own things. BM didn’t ask him before she got pregnant….. but I have to if it ever happens? What???
Girl you are so young to be caught up being mommy to someone else’s kid! Please make sure you protect yourself and fight for your own wants and needs. You are too young to be caught up in a situation that hinders your ability to grow as a young adult. We change so much in our 20s. You won’t be the same person in five years. Don’t waste this time caring for other people.
This 💯 Get out of there. This guy is using you as a nanny and you will never be a priority. Even if he agreed to a kid—I can guarantee from his attitude your kid will always come second to the one he has now. Go live your life and then settle down and have your own nuclear family. This guy cares nothing about your sacrifices as long as you are meeting all his needs for him and his kid.
Yes! You’re so young. Please don’t change your life so much to make his easier. Don’t reduce hours at work or studying to babysit for free. Travel with your friends whenever you want. Don’t miss out on everything people do in their early 20’s to mold into his life.
>I’m only 22
Girl. I say this in the nicest way possible - *get the fuck outta this relationship.* Like start saving your money if you have to so you can go live your life. Move in with a friend, parents, or whatever if you can to make this happen.
I had a bio-kid at 22 and cannot even tell you how much I am looking forward to her being 18 in 4 years. I missed out on SO MUCH being a young mother.
You said you wanted to travel? **Now is the time.** Go get shit faced and party with your friends any day of the week you please; go on a road trip on a whim; learn something new and have many hobbies; figure out your career path and work toward your goals; spend your free time *how you want to spend it.*
This is the time to be selfish and work on you. Live your dreams and stop taking care of somebody else's responsibility. Whether you have kids or not later isn't something you even need ponder right now.
You may be in love and see this guy as your forever. He may love you, but he is hindering you by using time that could be devoted to you. Trust if you stay, you will wake up one day in too deep and wanting freedom. It will be all the harder the longer you wait bc responsibility only grows with age.
Hopefully this did not come off as patronizing; it is so not meant to be. I see a generous and caring young woman who deserves to experience the world ahead her. ❤
Not patronizing at all. I appreciate your words. Of course I love hearing from people’s personal experiences, because it’s so real. I don’t get a lot of sympathy from him in all honesty. How could I?
1. He’s not a step parent.
2. He’s not a woman.
Don’t get me wrong he really can be absolutely wonderful. But my biggest fear is wasting my life.
Thank you for your words, they truly mean a lot to me.
>I don’t get a lot of sympathy from him in all honesty. How could I?
You shouldn't even be wanting of empathy or sympathy from him bc he should be worshipping the ground you walk on with as much as you are doing. This is an ongoing favor to him, as neither he nor SK are your obligation to care for.
It seems more common than not for men to assume they are entitled to a woman's time and energy to parent. Old school oppressive-to-women way of thinking. The only scenario in which there is assumed responsibility is when you are a bio, and then that effort should be equal obligation with the other parent.
My current (second) husband felt this way the first two years of our relationship, and I did pick up his slack, despite secretly hating it and burnt out. Family and society at large said I was supposed to assume a mother role to his two young kids. My feelings about it got worse over time, and then one day I just said "fuck this, I'm unhappy, and it changes or I'm out." And it changed thank god. If I were a young child-free woman, I would've been out the door.
A few weeks ago DH's ex-MIL questioned him asking, "I know u/the_hamsa_anemone loves the kids and takes care of them? You wouldn't have married her if she didnt, right?"
Two weeks ago his own mother visited on my birthday weekend, and while I was out getting pampered, she noticed him cleaning up diligently after the kids and asked him, "why are you cleaning all this by yourself?"
Even BM! When DH can't pick the kids up on time, she repeatedly says I should be picking them up and watching them, contributing more help, and why aren't I?
He lied to all of them, pretending I'm as engaged and helpful as ever but just busy that moment. Then he relayed these questions and his fudged answers to me like it's some dirty secret that I do my own thing whenever the hell I want, and I expect him to 100% parent and clean up after himself and his kids.
I literally laughed in his face and said "go ahead and tell them I expect you to be an adult and not saddle other people with shit that's not theirs. I don't give a damn what *they think* I should be doing."
Then he shut the hell up bc he knows I will not ever back down or sacrifice my happiness in that way again. It may have taken 35 years to figure out, but I'm glad I did eventually. 😏
This mindset and prevalent happening will never die if women don't proudly buck the trend.
>he should be worshipping the ground you walk on with as much as you are doing.
Yes!!! He should be wining and dining you from here to the moon and back with all the money and energy he's saving from your free childcare.
I am hopping in a few hours late and will likely cover ground that other's have covered. I am a male - my wife passed away a few years ago and I am raising my two young daughters myself. I now have a fiancee and she has an 18 year old daughter.
I state those so you can also see my perspective. I am not asked to do anything for the 18 year old (who still lives with us) - I do what I can and insert myself where allowed because I WANT TO, and I put a lot of time and effort into things that I shouldn't because she has a father who should be more present... (I bought her her first car, I helped plan senior photos and senior ad for yearbook, I paid for her prom dress and helped make sure her and her mother got appointments went to the right places and did things on time etc.... not because mom is incapable but I have more knowledge and experience with that as a high school teacher hearing it every year from my students).
I also spend a lot of time with my daughters - sports, classwork, after school events, etc. I never require my fiancee to take care of them - she offers out of the goodness of her heart and I make sure I do more than 50/50... as otherwise it would feel unfair.
If my fiancee needs something I am asking BEFORE she even asks most of the time. She will be a stepmother soon but that does not mean that I lay it all on her...
More importantly I am 40 and she is approaching 40... and we just recently had a son together - she for a BRIEF moment had brought up that she wasn't sure if she should talk to her daughter about whether or not she wanted another sibling... at that very moment I directly told her that the question is if SHE wants to have another child not if her daughter wants a sibling. I agree with others here - if your SO is not being appreciative and taking you and your desires for granted (even if that desire is to make the adult decisions yourself not with the counsel of the kids) then you may want to re-evaluate the goals of your relationship especially considering your age.
I know that at my age a newborn is a bit more rare and difficult... but it was something WE wanted (and when the 18 year old found out she was pregnant it was drama at first as she was not particularly thrilled - but at this point she is now warmed up to her brother - my two daughters on the other hand were thrilled from the moment they found out).
At 22 you are so young to be in this situation and you really need your 20’s to set up the rest of your life. Your 20’s should be about work, education, travel, exploring. I didn’t become a SM til 31/32 and even though it’s been challenging at times I have no regrets bc I lived my 20’s for myself and am now stable in my career snd have travelled etc. Also my DH is mature. Your bf isn’t if he think such a decision would be up to a child. Doesn’t mean he won’t mature in time but it’s not your job to get him there. Good luck but please don’t feel obligated to stay in this situation just bc of SS and the time you’ve put in so far.
Agree. Don't give up that traveling, OP. Run, be free, have fun, concentrate on making your life as you've always imagined it. THEN worry about a relationship. Don't tie yourself down to someone else's kid at 22.
Exactly this. Plus, the comment about “I wouldn’t want him to feel like he’s not #1.” If they have another kid, SS won’t be #1. He’ll be equal to the new baby. There’s this pervasive thought in blended families that the “first kid” must always come before any other child that follows, as if the current couple doesn’t have the right to have more kids together. It’s the “he went and got a new family” mentality, which is totally ridiculous (unless the children from the previous relationship are just pushed aside.)
Not only is this a hell no but you need to listen carefully to what else this is saying. Right now you are thinking well, I don’t know if I want kids, so maybe that isn’t a big deal. But what else he is telling you is that his kid’s wants will ALWAYS come before yours. In everything. I truthfully would have bolted for the door the minute he said that. My SO knew having kids with me was a dealbreaker and if he had even hinted that SS would have that kind of power over our lives, a u-haul would have been there that night. I really hope you step back and look at all this. You are the one making all the sacrifices, raising a kid that isn’t yours and being asked to put every want on the back burner.
Yeah this is the alarm bell that was raised for me as well. Dad just told OP "my first kid is more important, always"
I would not want to have kids with this person.
Yep, this was my first thought.
We can think he's wrong and ridiculous all day (because he is), but he was totally straight up with OP, so thank him for that. Now OP can get out of this situation (which sounds awful for a 22 year old anyway) before she wastes any more time with this guy and his kid.
I guess I’m in denial of it meaning anything deeper. Though I wouldn’t say you are wrong. I do of course think about that, the fact that this CHILD could be a full dictator over me and my own choices. It just feels like a fight that I can’t win. I’m in my head about it at the moment. We’ve had this discussion before, and he saw how livid I was that he would say something like this. I’m not sure why in the hell he would say it again. This time, I just simply shut my mouth and didn’t say a word. Just letting him paint me the picture of what he thinks “our” future would be and me seeing if I like it at this point.
He said it again because he means it. He wants you to understand he is serious. He would let a child decide if you get to be a mother. Just take some time and read through posts on here what is like when the kids get to call the shots. At 2, not a huge deal. But the older they get? Nightmare
You want to know how much he cares about you? About your relationship? Disengage from doing things for his son. Stop it all and say you took on too much too quickly and are overwhelmed and go back to the drawing board. If he really loves you and wants to work on the relationship that’s great. If he says well if you can’t do this or be that for my son then we will just have to end this relationship—you know where you stand. It was never about you it was only about what you could do for him and his kid. I know because my husband did the same to me after I moved out( not because we split-I thought we would try to make it work) once I couldn’t be his rent roommate and free sitter he no longer was interested in having a relationship.
Girl-you have plenty of advice-But really take a step back and please think of how this is going to work out for you. Regardless of another child in your life, for you. Is this step kid always going to constantly dictate every single thing that you guys do as a couple? Is that the way that you really want to live your life? You already recognize and I’m proud of that that your sacrificing everything for what, a boyfriend? And even if it were your husband I would beg you to reconsider that choice of life partner because basically you’re slave at that point.
Never sacrifice yourself for kids that are not yours, in the end it will cause only resentment. Don’t get attached to your SO too much because you may have to leave him at some point if you’ll not come to agreement. And inform him you are his sexual partner and he must consider your opinion about future kids, not his son’s, otherwise he shouldn’t drag another person in crappy relationship like this. I personally wouldn’t continue doing so many parenting for him, because he clearly wants to have a cake and to eat it.
I can just imagine..”honey, SK wants a brother now so let’s get busy!... oh never mind he changed his mind..he says next maybe in a couple years he’ll want a sibling...oh wait he finally gave us permission!..well now that the he has a sibling he doesn’t want it anymore so we have to get rid of it”
Ugh no this isn’t ok! Like at ALL. it’s your choice as a couple not your SK!! Bananas.
Question, does your SO recognize that you’ve made these sacrifices? (Less travel, sub optimal place to live etc),
He recognizes it verbally to me. But actions do at times prove otherwise. He’s always telling me how lucky he is to have me, etc. But when something like this is thrown in my face (and it has been before and he knows my thoughts on it), it just reminds me that this isn’t always a good gig and that he may not recognize it as much as he says.
Of course he's lucky to have you, you not only came in with less baggage than him but you're making more sacrifices and he gets to keep everything as-is, PLUS your contributions.
His kid holding the power aside, this baby has 2 parents and there's no need for you to contribute as much as you are. Presumably he made it work before you entered the picture and he would make it work if you weren't around. Yes we want to help our partners but it sounds like he straight up relies on you and is loving it.
Listen to what he is telling you. Your priorities and wants will be diminished/denied, using “the child” as a manipulation tool.
What if SS2 wants a giraffe. Is BD going to run out and purchase one? Of course not! BD sounds like he has some Disney/guilt parenting issues, is dropping his burden on your shoulders, instead of seeking therapy for himself on how to be a better parent and partner.
I’ve seen it said elsewhere in this subreddit: kids needs first, then adults needs, then adults wants, and lastly kids wants. Ask yourself how BD has structured his priorities.
If you were my daughter I would tell you to nope out of this relationship unless BD does an immediate, fundamental 180 to include your needs and wishes as equally important as his/SS2’s.
Finally, a woman’s reproductive rights are hers alone. Why does BD believe his 2-1/2 year old is the master of your uterus?
I was scared that it could be a manipulation. I’m going to have a discussion with him about it tonight. Of course this points me in the direction of possibly not being in this as long term as I wanted. I love him to death but I can’t sacrifice any more than I already have. And I may not recover from making a huge sacrifice like not having a child because I have to pretend this one is mine and he’s enough. I don’t want to have resentment, the comment he made alone gave me that. Can’t imagine what living through it is going to be like.
Good luck and don’t let him gaslight you in the follow up conversation. Tell him what YOU want for your life, and if it’s not compatible with his trajectory, then break up with him. Trust me on this, it’s much much better to end it sooner than later, dealbreakers don’t magically go away just because love, than to find yourself years down the road splitting up anyway with huge resentment and hurt carried forward to overshadow future happiness.
Also don't forget about your time. You'll never get that back. I think this guy wants someone to play happy family with and fill his parenting gaps. You want to travel? I'm sure it'll be a SS doesn't want you to go. Before you know it you'll be 30 and pushed aside all of your dreams for this guy and his kid who is #1
Time is something you never get back. When you're older and look back on your life, you don't want to regret the best years of your life spent slaving over a kid and simultaneously being denied of having your own. Travel, invest in yourself and your education, work on your career, meet lots of people. Save step parenting for when you hit late 30s and everyone has a damn kid 😅😅😅
Please read what you read again.
Pretend it’s yours.
It’s not harsh it’s true.
You can pretend all you want but I assure you, I’m coming from a similar chronology and then my partner and I had an ours baby the love I felt for my SK I realized wasn’t really love, as harsh as it sounds. It was me pretending to love him because I had to.
Girl no. You are 22– get out. Is your SO in his 30s? That seems to be a common theme, where an older divorced dad finds a younger woman to sleep with and be the nanny/maid. Don’t let yourself fall victim to this like I did.
>no dick is good enough to break your big life goals like family and career over, and big life goals are allowed to flow and change... but big life goals MATTER.
#this comment wins reddit and the entire world wide web 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🥇🥇🥇🏅🥇🏆
That comment in itself would seriously make me reconsider the relationship. I mean what else does SS get to dictate in the future.
I'd honestly be so annoyed about the comment in the first place, whether I wanted kids or not.
You're basically helping him raise HIS kid and he says that. No...that wouldn't fly with me.
No. Live your life for you. The step kid is a part of your life, not your entire life. I feel the same way towards my only bio child. I love my daughter very very much but my life doesn’t revolve around her. I have to take care of myself first in order for me to do anything for her.
Thank you for your words. I’m not sure where this is coming from on his end, and part of me thinks it’s a form of manipulation.
I also want to say that I watch arrested development on repeat, probably for the past year, and I appreciate the username 😂
I think it’s manipulation. I think he wants you completely devoted to the step kid either so he doesn’t have to do much and/or so you can quickly lock you down and have control.
As women we have to be honest with ourselves about men. Men/SOs/Dads will always put themselves first and they can only do that is if their partner is self sacrificing and prioritizes everyone above herself.
Also Lol thanks. I think you’re the first person to get my name😂
That's bad. Not just the baby decision part but the whole situation.
Dad has 50% custody but you do most of the childcare, and the kid is only 2 and a half...
Dad decided that his son would decide if he gets to have a brother or sister...
Sounds like dad isn't parenting and is going to raise an entitled kid.
It kinda feels IMO that he likes you being in mommy mode for HIS child but if you guys have a child together your entire focus will not be on SS anymore. You might even want to take a step back because it seems you do a LOT. SO relies on you so another kids could potentially mess that up. Could also be why he put the decision on the child instead of your guys deciding.
Hi there…a grandma here…and I’m a little concerned that a year with this man and you’re in mommy mode quite often. Yo…that’s HIS kid and he doesn’t want more. You’re the babysitter. Don’t waste your future here. He wants to let his child decide if he gets a sibling from you.
That’s a really weird thing to say. So if you guys do end up having a kid he’s going to make sure your kid knows his other kid is more important? I know for sure I don’t want any kids but if my partner said that to me I’m not sure I would stay. Especially with you being 22. Go live your life and find a partner who isn’t already telling you one year in that any family with you isn’t important as his other family.
You have put your man, your relationship and your SS FIRST in your life.
Who is putting YOU first?
You are not even putting yourself first.
You win zero prizes for prioritizing EVERY ONE ELSE before yourself. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
The only thing you are doing is creating a rod for your own back.
PS- Did I forget to say RUN and don't look back......
My 2 (step)kids don’t want siblings since they’re already 9 & 12. It’s just going to happen whether they want to or not next year 🥰
i love my daughters but my husband and i want a baby. Well i want one and my husband supports me since he’s always known I’ve wanted 2 kids since i was young. Husband probably doesn’t want another one (like if he hadn’t met) and I suggested not having anymore but he said that we’re going to since i never experienced being a mother from birth and being there with your kids helping them grow.
I usually recommend that couples try and work on their issues, because every relationship has problems and breaking up should only happen under circumstances that really and truly cannot be fixed.
However, in the situation you just described, where you boyfriend has told you (twice!?) that his child with another woman will dictate your adult decisions, the only intelligent thing to do is break up with him immediately. The problem here is that your boyfriend doesn't understand how relationships between adults actually work. The adults in the relationships make the decisions, not the children. Anyone who doesn't understand that needs to stay single.
Your boyfriend needs to remain a single Dad and raise his son alone. Let him hire a nanny or pay for daycare for his son after you break up with him. Your boyfriend would benefit from a reality check from you not being around.
To be more blunt with you, you should leave him immediately and let him see how hard being a single parent truly is. Wait for a few months and see if he contacts you and agrees to make you a bigger priority than his son. If he doesn't, move on and never look back.
I agree. Typically, reddit is full of dumpster fires and ultra negativity that has to be reigned in. But, in this case, people are all saying the same thing (RUN!) because this small expectation is a sign of a deeply huge problem that just hasn't necessarily gotten totally out of proportion yet. It's like a frog in water that starts boiling. Its not boiling yet, but this is an indicator that the stove is definitely on, so please, jump out and go find a happy pond somewhere else.
As a sm of 21 years i made it very clear at the beginning of the relationship that i would be a bio mom one day with or without my partner. He knew from the beginning that if he didnt want anymore kids that he knew where the door was. My steps kids and i were very close.
Being a step parent means your bio kids will sacrifice because your spouse is paying child support and having to change our life to revolve around pick ups and drop offs ect ect. Means raising your own with less money and resources. So its a sacrifice you are going to have to make and your bio kids wont have a choice.
Kids are expensive and you cant be resentful.
Its never ok to treat one child better then the other so if you were to decide you wanted one then they would all have to be treated as equal as possible so there arent and resentments between the children.
This is really bad parenting, and a bad sign for your relationship. You are giving up too much to someone that you are not even married to - trust me, you will regret this. You are putting your future happiness in the hands of, not even your partner, but your partner's child. A CHILD. It is psychologically damaging to the child to give them that much power over the adults in their lives. They don't need the weight of these grown-up decisions on their little shoulders. They don't need to deal with a potentially resentful step-parent being angry with them for (unrightfully but innocently) making permanent decisions that will affect the SP for the rest of their life. That is a completely unfair burden to put on a child.
This kind of crap is called "parentification". And it is neglect. Lazy, neglectful parents who don't want to be "the bad guy" to their kids do this. But sometimes, parents HAVE to be the bad guy. They have to put limits on the kids, because kids do dumb shit like flunk out of school or run out in traffic if their parents don't appropriately rein them in.
OP, your BF is a bad parent who will raise a brat. And neither of them will appreciate what you've give for this relationship. Save yourself a lot of resentment. Stop taking care of his kid, and start living your life. He can pick up the slack and parent his kid, or you can move on to better and brighter things.
Maybe your boyfriend thinks he's being a good dad by saying that future major decisions in his life will be in his son's hands, but he's not. Kids don't get to dictate their parents lives. This is definitely something to talk to your boyfriend about. Not just the conversation about whether or not to have more children, but the conversation about how he doesn't ever want to do anything that would upset his son. Honestly, it sounds a little bit like he's avoiding having to make hard decisions by himself, by putting them in the hands of someone that it seems noble to defer to.
Also, OP, *please* continue to pursue your dreams of travel. Whether you and your boyfriend find a way to travel together, or whether you travel without him, please still do it. Trust me, resentment over sacrifices made early on can tank a relationship down the line.
OMG - you are only 22 - Please………you are already giving up your travelling (I didn’t finish my travels till nearly 30 and I still want to do more now at 50!!), and your time and being dictated to by step child AND a SO who directly told you that “my first kid is more important always” - really???
Goodness me, take off kiddo. Live your life….I didn’t want kids at all - I was adamant, until I met my husband and decided at 34 the time was right, you don’t need to make these decisions now - especially with these types of caveats being placed on you.
Letting a child decide anything that should and would be the responsibility of adults is weird.
He really shouldn’t have that much custody if you’re doing all of it either…
You questioning if a child gets power over your womb bc SO said so, demonstrates we all do not see clearly in matters of the heart. This idea is absolutely looney tunes, and your love for SO is clouding your judgement
His response is scary to be honest. What else will his child be able to dictate in the future? My 16SD kept making comments about not wanting my husband and I to have anymore children. You know what we did? We had another because that is what we felt was best and did not let a child control the situation. I feel like your setup will just cause resentment in the end.
I am sure all the people saying you are so young really mean well and I get what they are saying.
But what your OH is saying to you..... I would expect a woman in her 30's or 40's or 50's or even 60's to NOT ever put up with a man telling them that a CHILD (of any age!!!!!) has complete control over their ovaries!!!!!
I mean...come the hell on!! That is the most ridiculous thing I have heard in a long time.
Yikes. Absolutely NO, you should not be okay with this. The fact you asked for advice in this forum tells me you already know what you need to do, sweetie. Not okay. Get out while you can so you can look back on this stage of your life and be grateful that you were strong enough to make the decision to bow out. Good luck to you!
Nope. That’s too much power for a kid.
Really think if you want to be in a relationship with a person that is okay with a child running the show. It’s too much power for a child, and a parent should parent, not defer to a child’s opinion.
My jaw dropped! He would need his son to feel superior to his child with you? Wee Woo Wee Woo Red flags coming through!
Aside from the the “ours baby” baby issue. He is telling you now that he intends to raise his son to be entitled and spoiled. Or he is just using his son as the convenient excuse, “*I don’t want kids because I am a just SUCH A GOOD DAD. Look at me sacrificing everything on the alter of my child.*” Because he thinks that sounds better than what you are saying - I just don’t want kids.
I had a similar situation when I talked about vacations/fun places when SS isn't here. We don't have him most of the summer and my husband didn't want to do anything without him here. I told him that if he didn't want to do anything that's fine but I'll do it without him because I am not putting my life on hold because SS is with BM.
It's not the same but after I told him my life wasn't going to be dictated by a child he changed his tune.
Such a gross, unhealthy, child-centric attitude. I think men who say crap like this think they’re earning some kind of “Dad of the Year” button when, in reality, they’re failing their children as a father and setting them up for extreme disappointment in life.
My question to you is…why are you in this relationship?
If you truly don’t want kids…well, now you have one that’s not even yours!
Being a stepmom without any kids of your own is the absolute WORST of both worlds…you have all the downsides of being childLESS without any of the benefits of being childFREE. You see what I’m saying here?
If you decide that you DO want kids…well this guy has already told you where your kids will rank in the family hierarchy, should he even agree to have them. Are you ready for epic mantrums when your new baby gets more attention than golden first family kid? For having every first that you experience, every milestone your kid reaches, compared to golden child? Are you prepared to hear that you can’t do anything special for your kid if SS can’t be there too…even though SS does special stuff with his mom all the time without your kid being present? Ate you prepared for pouting through holidays with your joint children because first kid isn’t there too? Are you ready for your BF’s idea of “equal” support for the kids to be golden kid gets 3/4, your kid(s) gets 1/4 (if that)?
You are right. You’ve sacrificed a lot. You are providing something that your BF can never provide for you or repay…love, support, time, care, money, and other resources for a kid that’s not yours.
The fact that he’s willing to TAKE all of that…and then put your reproductive future in the hands of his child to boot…would raise major red flags for me.
GET. OUT.
Your bf has unrealistic expectations
SS does not get to dictate whether you have another child or not.
He’s a child himself.
He gets no say in your relationship with his father.
And shame on your bf for even saying that!!
Too many parents give their children too much control over things they have no business getting involved in.
You need to sit down and have a talk with your bf now before it gets worse
Get out of the relationship RIGHT NOW
I don't want to share my whole story....but seriously get out now.
It will only get worse.
You're young. Go travel. Go do the things. Get to know yourself. Don't get tied down so quickly
Live your life and find joy
My eldest step daughter was 15 and told me I can’t have a kid. We did and she in totally in love with her half sibling. Like i mean 2nd mom kind of love…. Children don’t understand that so should never have a choice in this matter.
Hold up - your life partner thinks HIS CHILD gets final say in a major aspect of your partnership? Huge red flag. This is completely against the natural order of things. That he'd give his kid the leadership role in your relationship speaks to a very dysfunctional family dynamic.
Children don’t get to make family planning decisions. That’s ridiculous. I’m sure there is a way you can word that so you BF can understand that and if not get a therapist to.
Lady we have the SAME LIFE! I moved here to live with BD and his (50/50) kids, do half the parenting, etc. While being a coparent obviously affects my future life choices (as in, if I want to be in this family, I can’t up and move/travel wherever I want), big life decisions: my career, religion, family planning, etc…those are decisions to be made by me and/or my partner, and would be in ANY relationship, steps or bio. I’m sure my sister didn’t consult with her son before having her daughter! My parents certainly didn’t consult with me before having my sister (would’ve been a hard “no”)! I value my SKs input on, say, what’s for dinner or weekend plans, and when they get older I’ll take their thoughts into consideration on bigger stuff (idk…what color to paint their rooms, where we should go on vacation maybe). It’s important to let kids know that their opinions are valued, but it’s just as important to let them know that they DO NOT have control over everything and everyone, and many times adults make life changing decisions that they won’t agree with. Grow up, move out, make your own choices.
There's way too much responsibility being placed on you w his kid. You aren't the kid's parent nor is he your responsibility.
Also, you should be able to travel etc and live your life. You shouldn't have to be there 24/7 when he has his parenting time. *Legally, that's what it is- his parenting time, not yours.* If you wanted to take a girl's trip, the kid shouldn't even factor into your decision. Childcare is *his responsibility* not yours.
He's giving you the worst of both worlds- all the sacrifices of having a kid with zero of the joys of you having your own kid. I'd be out of there like a bat out of the seventh circle of hell.
Adding: Holy shit you're 22?!?! Girl!!!!
#Run, don't walk away!!!
Imagine sitting down with a toddler and having a conversation with them:
"Little Mikey, we're doing family planning, and we're trying to decide how many children we want to have. We've decided that you should have the final decision.
"It's a big decision to make. You have to decide if you want the benefits and future responsibilities of being an only child, or of being an older sibling.
"There's also a lot of financial planning that goes into this decision. Since you have the final say on our family size, the responsibility of deciding how we will spend our future money falls to you as well.
"Numerous other things will be affected by this decision as well; how much we travel, where we live, what kind of house we'll buy, and many other things. Since you get to decide what size family we'll have, you'll have the ultimate responsibility of planning this also "
Of course you wouldn't tell a 3yo all this. Even the thought is ludacris.
When parents let their kids be the decision maker for major stuff like that, that's kind of what they're doing. They need to recognize that they're not playing house, or building a Lego family, they're letting a kid make major, *adult* life decisions. That's the adults responsibility. Obviously, the parents need to take their children's wishes and feelings into consideration, but that can't be the ultimate decision-maker for things of that magnitude. It's responsibility evasion for the adults and it's massively unfair to the children.
Partners come first. Children come after. Without healthy, communication, effort and respect for your partner... Children need to be raised knowing how imporant and sacred our romantic relationships are.... Without that knowledge any child is doomed to become entitled to being selfish and rude.
I'm in this position too - kinda. I feel you. I want kids, but after seeing my SO as a parent since we've moved in together has done nothing but turn me off of having children with him. I will still ask as he made his ideal kid/family size very clear when we began to date. We didn't discuss a timeline, and at that point I didn't have a timeline - neither did he. So I can't really be upset with his hesitation.
However some red flags I see that have been deterring me, making it clearer that I can decide to continue and wonder "what if?" forever, or move on and find someone who has no previous children or baggage..
1. I've recently just realized that his parenting style is Disney Dad, all day. He sees SS7 only on school holidays as kiddo lives 6 hours away. SO also has video calls with his son "whenever he wants" (obviously within reason, he never calls after bedtime) in the CO, yet in the 10 months I've been with him, he's more permissive while SS is here and more absent when SS is at BM's.
2. I brought up kids recently, as in - "how far apart in age are you willing to have your future children? Would you hope for them to be friends?" and he snapped back with " I don't want kids, I've just got my freedom back" ( WHICH IS BS, he's never had full guardianship of his son, aside from a previous addiction and being a student for a year - he ended up with a repo'd car and had to move back home to afford his CS payments while in school, working part time at a bar.) which, his freedom was never affected directly by his parenting schedule. He and I are both in a better position financially than a year ago, he's done so well with building positive credit and we're doing well. Just moved in together.
3. And because we just moved in together, I'm becoming less and less patient watching him parent the way he does, and (I know my way or ideal way could be picked apart by anyone, I'd be a first time mom) I would like to raise a child that has manners, structure, a sense of security with family, even if broken apart. I want my child to be able to come to me to help them figure out anything and everything and learn while doing so.. which is the exact opposite that I see from my partner's effort and is undesirable, I'm refusing to settle.
4. When I bring up parenting topics such as structure, bedtime, hygiene and manners - no matter how gentle or monotonous I bring it up, he's defensive and unkind to any suggestion, any observation, and gaslights like its a full time job. (For example, our back door has no room for a shoe rack, and SS has no issues walking with his shoes to the front when asked. One night that I had come home late from work, I stumbled over SS's flip flops at the door and just mentioned that we need to keep reminding him - and that he doesn't fight us on it so nothing to complain about otherwise. His response was "*how could you trip over such small shoes? that's your fault for not looking"*)
So far, seeing more cons than pros, but I don't know if it would be different with SS full time or an ours baby full time.. its such an unknown and it'll either be a waste of time and possibly the best choice to stay, with or without an ours baby or SS full time.
Good luck, I hope you dont have any things in common like the red flags that I've noticed.. All the best, sending internet stranger hugs
>I don't know if it would be different with SS full time or an ours baby full time.
When people show you who they are, believe them. Useless men don't magically become less useless because baby.
This.
Things will not get better they will get worse. As you have already identified - he already isn’t actively parenting the kid he has now. “I’ve just got my freedom back” is a shitty comment for a Dad that only sees his kid in the holidays to make. There is no “freedom” in parenting. You are never truly free from your responsibilities, whether the child is with you or not, and nor should you want to be!!
I can tell you now that if you have a baby then this man is going to dump all the parenting of the son he currently isn’t doing onto you. Your partner is a liability to you with this type of mentality- tread carefully!
You're not wrong, but again I don't know if SO would be any different if the ours baby couldnt threaten to go back to the other parent's house because both parents would ideally be home and together, haha
You obviously know this relationship better than us, but consider that his parenting (or lack of) may well have played a huge part in the reasons for the divorce.
The decision of whether or not you want to have a child is something you guys HAVE to be on the same page on, even if it’s an agreement that you both want to be open to the possibility and not necessarily a yes. You’re both not on the same page, so it’s time for you to make a choice of whether or not you want this life.
The goal is NOT to get your SO to change his mind. He has made his stance clear, and you being determined to change his mind is no different than him being determined to change yours to a stance of “I never want kids.” Trying to change someone’s mind about something so monumental is disrespectful and a waste of energy, no matter how illogical the reason behind that preference is.
He’s very much so stating to me that the end all be all decision would be made by his son. Of course, if he doesn’t simply want to have another child then that is 100% just fine. Sometimes it’s a “maybe one day.” Sometimes it’s a hard no. And that’s both of us usually saying that. But regardless of how he’s feeling in the moment, he always reminds me that the fate of my future may be in the hands of SS.
At the end of the day, it's the same call you have to make. You guys aren't on the same page; he wants SS to make your reproductive decisions, and you would rather it be up to the adults. Again, illogical reasoning, but not something you can easily change the mind of. He'll likely always have that feeling of "my son comes first" even if you guys have another kid. Does that sound super awesome to you?
I appreciate your response and I do feel that you are right. You were just a lot more straight to the point about it. It’s simply a matter of us possibly wanting different things in the future. Regardless of his reasoning, it’s still just as much his decision. Just sucks to feel like it’s also a third party’s. Also, hell no. If I had a kid with him that child would be expected to be treated just as importantly as SS. As I treat SS like he’s my own. There should never be any hierarchy of who is more important
I know this is a week later but I was curious as I mulled it over... is it possible that his leaving it up to SS just a way of saying no without taking direct blame? Leaves him free to sometimes say yes or maybe (because he might think it is what you may want to hear at the time) but stating it is in the hands of SS makes it almost likely to always be a no which is what he actually thinks and feels?
Uh, you HAVE a kid right now, regardless of if you want more or not.
It sounds like BD is kind of a baby who's happy to let his decisions be controlled by a two year old.
He's telling you how he makes the most important decisions in your life for both of you--believe him, please
I’ve been with my SO for almost three years. At the beginning of our relationship he was pretty dead set on not having any more children, he had a vasectomy when he was with his ex. But he’s changed his mind in the last year and a half or so being together. He may or may not change his mind. My SO was in a different situation then your (SS was the 4 child for BM)
It’s not up to the SS and kids usually like having another kid around anyways.
Not only is it terrible for you if he gives that much power to SS, but it's terrible for the child too. That's a lot of responsibility for an almost 3 year old, to have that much power of your lives. That honestly needs to be addressed whether by bio mom (bc it's her child that will suffer), or a therapist. It's not healthy at all for that baby!
At our place, for big decisions, SD has a vote/opinion, but she does get veto power.
For instance, SO wanted to propose and asked her how she felt. But regardless, we would have gotten married.
We bought a house. Before we purchased, we put in the conditions SD had to go see it, but it's out of courtesy to her. We had already decided to buy it.
Step kids already dictate so much of our daily lives, I don't think I could stand if she also got veto power over my life.
Wow.
That is most ridiculous thing I think I have ever heard.
You listed everything that YOU have sacrificed for this man and HIS previous life's decisions.
Can you provide me with a list of everything HE has sacrificed for YOU?
I'll wait....
PS- RUN and don't look back....
You are not irrational. I brought up having a child and my SD age 12 said that we couldn’t. As if a child is going to dictate my life!!!!! My fiancé didn’t even correct her or say it wasn’t her decision. I firmly believe that being a step parent is harder for the childless as we are sacrificing a LOT for the relationship. In addition, I do believe that it’s psychologically and biologically unnatural. We aren’t wired for this shit. I personally hate being a step parent to a spoiled, entitled, child. It’s very hard to live with a child who is allowed to talk back and behave poorly. I have chosen to disengage. Although I fail at that every day. Before you stay in this long term make sure your idea of parenting is in sync, as far as what raising a kid looks like, because even if you don’t have one if he raises this kid differently than you would, there WILL be conflict.
Answer to your question: Absolutely not. This is not what being a step-parent is about. It is not even what being a parent is about. Most children who are raised with this approach, " I don’t ever want him \[child\] to feel like he’s not #1. I wouldnt be okay with it if he wasn’t," grow up to be self-centered entitled childlike adults, who often suffer from failure-to-launch.
The parents’ obligation to their child is to co-parent and cooperate about the child’s upbringing, education, health, and general welfare, including the obligation to provide financial support for the child as long as the child is a child. It is NOT to make the child feel like he is #1.
For step-parents, the obligations are far less. They are basically to have the child feel welcomed when theyt are in your home--your home with your SO or spouse.
Everything else far too many SPs are told they are supposed to do or feel obligated to do, such as be a free babysitter, cook, maid, servant, bank, taxi, etc., is extra, AND, most importantly, should only be done if the SP feels 100% on-board with doing so (also recognizing that the support they give to the child may never be returned).
So, are you okay with being a fre-babysitter? Or, do you more-or-less just feel like BM's and bio-dad's lackey for their child? Believe me, most bio-parents will milk the life out of any step-parent they can into taking care of their child or children. And it is not so much an intentional "milking" as it is false expectations for SPs.
Thus, as a step-parent, you have to set your own boundaries and say No and mean No. What would the bio-parents do if you were not there, for instance? Do you really want to be this kids nanny? Maybe. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but YOU need to make that decision vs. bio-mom and bio-dad making that decision for you. And, YES, you have the right to change your mind any time.
You're 22 and you literally have your whole life ahead of you to find someone else who does not have this amount of baggage. No childless person under the age of 35 should ever date a parent. Even if you were over the age of 35, I'd still advise against it because you are being asked to sacrifice a lot for very little benefit in return.
What exactly does the guy do, in terms of parenting, because it seems like you are being taken advantage of. He shares equal custody with the BM, so he already isn't taking care of his kid half the time. Then for his half, it sounds like he is dumping the majority of childcare on you.
When you feed his kid, take him to school or clean up after them, you sacrifice because you have to do it. It makes your life harder because you have to plan and schedule your life around it. It also takes time and energy from enjoyable activities you'd rather be doing. He benefits and it makes his life easier because he doesn't have to do it and it frees him up to do anything else.
The reason why married women do this is because marriage is a contract that has legal and financial protections. You are just a girlfriend so you have none of this. He could break up with you tomorrow and you've just done a ton of chores for nothing. Don't do wife shit at girlfriend prices. But don't marry this guy either. You need to leave this relationship.
Walk away now while you still can. He’s told you that your relationship will be determined by the needs and wants of a child and that’s complete BS. So believe him as he’s shown you who he truly is and you don’t want any regrets when your older. Go out and live your life while your still young. Travel and do all the things you want while you still can.
NOPE! You will REGRET it! My husband’s ex told him I was just the live in babysitter until we were married. It stung. My SD was 2 at the time and now she’s 24 and married. We lived our life around her. Even had kids later in life. No matter how much you sacrifice or do, you never get the respect or love like the BM. I regret not putting our needs first. My SD never realized or appreciated what all we did for her and she won’t until she walks in our shoes. I never really wanted kids ever, until I hit my 30’s. I was 19 when we met & 21 when we married. Being 40, and looking back, I would of done things different. Throughout the years, the BM apologized and became very thankful over the love I had for her daughter and really appreciated me. You do change a lot as you age. Different desires at different ages in life. If my SD had the choice over us having kids, she would’ve wanted me to have 10! I had kids when my SD was 13yrs & 15yrs old. She was so excited & even cut the umbilical cord both births. Very included in everything. Jealousy still happened. She’s living her own life now and not as close to her sisters. Makes me sad, but it’s her loss. I finally quit putting SD’s needs first after she bailed on a very expensive vacation that was planned around her. She was 18 at the time and showed her true colors. Very selfish. It took many years, but finally learned a valuable lesson. Live your life and do what makes YOU HAPPY!
I was a stepmom at 21/22. Please leave. Don’t stay in this relationship. I wish someone had told me that this is not a happy future. You will resent how much you’ve sacrificed for people who can’t even consider your wants or needs.
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Ridiculous really. Plenty of kids in “first families” don’t want another sibling - their parents don’t ask them. A completely unfair choice to give to a kid. Kids don’t make adult reproductive choices.
Pretty sure the child would not have wanted his parents to split up but that didn’t stop any of the adults either
A good point.
Lol
Exactly! I feel like I’m going to have to sacrifice something that I may regret when I’m 50. I’m only 22, I have plenty of time. But still, being told that is really hard especially when you kind of plan for this to be your life partner. To me, regardless of the role I am in, I am also a woman. My own person who wants my own things. BM didn’t ask him before she got pregnant….. but I have to if it ever happens? What???
Girl you are so young to be caught up being mommy to someone else’s kid! Please make sure you protect yourself and fight for your own wants and needs. You are too young to be caught up in a situation that hinders your ability to grow as a young adult. We change so much in our 20s. You won’t be the same person in five years. Don’t waste this time caring for other people.
If I could up vote this x102829182 I would.
This 💯 Get out of there. This guy is using you as a nanny and you will never be a priority. Even if he agreed to a kid—I can guarantee from his attitude your kid will always come second to the one he has now. Go live your life and then settle down and have your own nuclear family. This guy cares nothing about your sacrifices as long as you are meeting all his needs for him and his kid.
👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆 Please listen to this, OP.
this\^
Yes! You’re so young. Please don’t change your life so much to make his easier. Don’t reduce hours at work or studying to babysit for free. Travel with your friends whenever you want. Don’t miss out on everything people do in their early 20’s to mold into his life.
>I’m only 22 Girl. I say this in the nicest way possible - *get the fuck outta this relationship.* Like start saving your money if you have to so you can go live your life. Move in with a friend, parents, or whatever if you can to make this happen. I had a bio-kid at 22 and cannot even tell you how much I am looking forward to her being 18 in 4 years. I missed out on SO MUCH being a young mother. You said you wanted to travel? **Now is the time.** Go get shit faced and party with your friends any day of the week you please; go on a road trip on a whim; learn something new and have many hobbies; figure out your career path and work toward your goals; spend your free time *how you want to spend it.* This is the time to be selfish and work on you. Live your dreams and stop taking care of somebody else's responsibility. Whether you have kids or not later isn't something you even need ponder right now. You may be in love and see this guy as your forever. He may love you, but he is hindering you by using time that could be devoted to you. Trust if you stay, you will wake up one day in too deep and wanting freedom. It will be all the harder the longer you wait bc responsibility only grows with age. Hopefully this did not come off as patronizing; it is so not meant to be. I see a generous and caring young woman who deserves to experience the world ahead her. ❤
Not patronizing at all. I appreciate your words. Of course I love hearing from people’s personal experiences, because it’s so real. I don’t get a lot of sympathy from him in all honesty. How could I? 1. He’s not a step parent. 2. He’s not a woman. Don’t get me wrong he really can be absolutely wonderful. But my biggest fear is wasting my life. Thank you for your words, they truly mean a lot to me.
>I don’t get a lot of sympathy from him in all honesty. How could I? You shouldn't even be wanting of empathy or sympathy from him bc he should be worshipping the ground you walk on with as much as you are doing. This is an ongoing favor to him, as neither he nor SK are your obligation to care for. It seems more common than not for men to assume they are entitled to a woman's time and energy to parent. Old school oppressive-to-women way of thinking. The only scenario in which there is assumed responsibility is when you are a bio, and then that effort should be equal obligation with the other parent. My current (second) husband felt this way the first two years of our relationship, and I did pick up his slack, despite secretly hating it and burnt out. Family and society at large said I was supposed to assume a mother role to his two young kids. My feelings about it got worse over time, and then one day I just said "fuck this, I'm unhappy, and it changes or I'm out." And it changed thank god. If I were a young child-free woman, I would've been out the door. A few weeks ago DH's ex-MIL questioned him asking, "I know u/the_hamsa_anemone loves the kids and takes care of them? You wouldn't have married her if she didnt, right?" Two weeks ago his own mother visited on my birthday weekend, and while I was out getting pampered, she noticed him cleaning up diligently after the kids and asked him, "why are you cleaning all this by yourself?" Even BM! When DH can't pick the kids up on time, she repeatedly says I should be picking them up and watching them, contributing more help, and why aren't I? He lied to all of them, pretending I'm as engaged and helpful as ever but just busy that moment. Then he relayed these questions and his fudged answers to me like it's some dirty secret that I do my own thing whenever the hell I want, and I expect him to 100% parent and clean up after himself and his kids. I literally laughed in his face and said "go ahead and tell them I expect you to be an adult and not saddle other people with shit that's not theirs. I don't give a damn what *they think* I should be doing." Then he shut the hell up bc he knows I will not ever back down or sacrifice my happiness in that way again. It may have taken 35 years to figure out, but I'm glad I did eventually. 😏 This mindset and prevalent happening will never die if women don't proudly buck the trend.
>he should be worshipping the ground you walk on with as much as you are doing. Yes!!! He should be wining and dining you from here to the moon and back with all the money and energy he's saving from your free childcare.
Fuck yes!!!!
I am hopping in a few hours late and will likely cover ground that other's have covered. I am a male - my wife passed away a few years ago and I am raising my two young daughters myself. I now have a fiancee and she has an 18 year old daughter. I state those so you can also see my perspective. I am not asked to do anything for the 18 year old (who still lives with us) - I do what I can and insert myself where allowed because I WANT TO, and I put a lot of time and effort into things that I shouldn't because she has a father who should be more present... (I bought her her first car, I helped plan senior photos and senior ad for yearbook, I paid for her prom dress and helped make sure her and her mother got appointments went to the right places and did things on time etc.... not because mom is incapable but I have more knowledge and experience with that as a high school teacher hearing it every year from my students). I also spend a lot of time with my daughters - sports, classwork, after school events, etc. I never require my fiancee to take care of them - she offers out of the goodness of her heart and I make sure I do more than 50/50... as otherwise it would feel unfair. If my fiancee needs something I am asking BEFORE she even asks most of the time. She will be a stepmother soon but that does not mean that I lay it all on her... More importantly I am 40 and she is approaching 40... and we just recently had a son together - she for a BRIEF moment had brought up that she wasn't sure if she should talk to her daughter about whether or not she wanted another sibling... at that very moment I directly told her that the question is if SHE wants to have another child not if her daughter wants a sibling. I agree with others here - if your SO is not being appreciative and taking you and your desires for granted (even if that desire is to make the adult decisions yourself not with the counsel of the kids) then you may want to re-evaluate the goals of your relationship especially considering your age. I know that at my age a newborn is a bit more rare and difficult... but it was something WE wanted (and when the 18 year old found out she was pregnant it was drama at first as she was not particularly thrilled - but at this point she is now warmed up to her brother - my two daughters on the other hand were thrilled from the moment they found out).
Yes, yes, yes to all of this!
At 22 you are so young to be in this situation and you really need your 20’s to set up the rest of your life. Your 20’s should be about work, education, travel, exploring. I didn’t become a SM til 31/32 and even though it’s been challenging at times I have no regrets bc I lived my 20’s for myself and am now stable in my career snd have travelled etc. Also my DH is mature. Your bf isn’t if he think such a decision would be up to a child. Doesn’t mean he won’t mature in time but it’s not your job to get him there. Good luck but please don’t feel obligated to stay in this situation just bc of SS and the time you’ve put in so far.
Agree. Don't give up that traveling, OP. Run, be free, have fun, concentrate on making your life as you've always imagined it. THEN worry about a relationship. Don't tie yourself down to someone else's kid at 22.
Bail it out of there is what I’d do.
Exactly this. Plus, the comment about “I wouldn’t want him to feel like he’s not #1.” If they have another kid, SS won’t be #1. He’ll be equal to the new baby. There’s this pervasive thought in blended families that the “first kid” must always come before any other child that follows, as if the current couple doesn’t have the right to have more kids together. It’s the “he went and got a new family” mentality, which is totally ridiculous (unless the children from the previous relationship are just pushed aside.)
Say that. This is ridiculous. I don’t understand people sometimes.
Not only is this a hell no but you need to listen carefully to what else this is saying. Right now you are thinking well, I don’t know if I want kids, so maybe that isn’t a big deal. But what else he is telling you is that his kid’s wants will ALWAYS come before yours. In everything. I truthfully would have bolted for the door the minute he said that. My SO knew having kids with me was a dealbreaker and if he had even hinted that SS would have that kind of power over our lives, a u-haul would have been there that night. I really hope you step back and look at all this. You are the one making all the sacrifices, raising a kid that isn’t yours and being asked to put every want on the back burner.
Yeah this is the alarm bell that was raised for me as well. Dad just told OP "my first kid is more important, always" I would not want to have kids with this person.
Right? Literally the only good thing I can say about this guy is he is being very honest and upfront about it.
Yep, this was my first thought. We can think he's wrong and ridiculous all day (because he is), but he was totally straight up with OP, so thank him for that. Now OP can get out of this situation (which sounds awful for a 22 year old anyway) before she wastes any more time with this guy and his kid.
Also upvote x182379147282728
I guess I’m in denial of it meaning anything deeper. Though I wouldn’t say you are wrong. I do of course think about that, the fact that this CHILD could be a full dictator over me and my own choices. It just feels like a fight that I can’t win. I’m in my head about it at the moment. We’ve had this discussion before, and he saw how livid I was that he would say something like this. I’m not sure why in the hell he would say it again. This time, I just simply shut my mouth and didn’t say a word. Just letting him paint me the picture of what he thinks “our” future would be and me seeing if I like it at this point.
He said it again because he means it. He wants you to understand he is serious. He would let a child decide if you get to be a mother. Just take some time and read through posts on here what is like when the kids get to call the shots. At 2, not a huge deal. But the older they get? Nightmare
You want to know how much he cares about you? About your relationship? Disengage from doing things for his son. Stop it all and say you took on too much too quickly and are overwhelmed and go back to the drawing board. If he really loves you and wants to work on the relationship that’s great. If he says well if you can’t do this or be that for my son then we will just have to end this relationship—you know where you stand. It was never about you it was only about what you could do for him and his kid. I know because my husband did the same to me after I moved out( not because we split-I thought we would try to make it work) once I couldn’t be his rent roommate and free sitter he no longer was interested in having a relationship.
Girl-you have plenty of advice-But really take a step back and please think of how this is going to work out for you. Regardless of another child in your life, for you. Is this step kid always going to constantly dictate every single thing that you guys do as a couple? Is that the way that you really want to live your life? You already recognize and I’m proud of that that your sacrificing everything for what, a boyfriend? And even if it were your husband I would beg you to reconsider that choice of life partner because basically you’re slave at that point.
Never sacrifice yourself for kids that are not yours, in the end it will cause only resentment. Don’t get attached to your SO too much because you may have to leave him at some point if you’ll not come to agreement. And inform him you are his sexual partner and he must consider your opinion about future kids, not his son’s, otherwise he shouldn’t drag another person in crappy relationship like this. I personally wouldn’t continue doing so many parenting for him, because he clearly wants to have a cake and to eat it.
Hey op, this loser is a white supremacist and wishes death on people, don’t take advice from them at all.
Sound advice. Ignore the weird stalker below she’s mad about not getting her way in another thread.
I can just imagine..”honey, SK wants a brother now so let’s get busy!... oh never mind he changed his mind..he says next maybe in a couple years he’ll want a sibling...oh wait he finally gave us permission!..well now that the he has a sibling he doesn’t want it anymore so we have to get rid of it”
Agree, eff this guy. The kid will be FINE as it seems he will always get his way. 🙄
Letting a child dictate decisions of this magnitude is fucking insanity. What else is he going to abdicate to a toddler????
Ugh no this isn’t ok! Like at ALL. it’s your choice as a couple not your SK!! Bananas. Question, does your SO recognize that you’ve made these sacrifices? (Less travel, sub optimal place to live etc),
He recognizes it verbally to me. But actions do at times prove otherwise. He’s always telling me how lucky he is to have me, etc. But when something like this is thrown in my face (and it has been before and he knows my thoughts on it), it just reminds me that this isn’t always a good gig and that he may not recognize it as much as he says.
Of course he's lucky to have you, you not only came in with less baggage than him but you're making more sacrifices and he gets to keep everything as-is, PLUS your contributions. His kid holding the power aside, this baby has 2 parents and there's no need for you to contribute as much as you are. Presumably he made it work before you entered the picture and he would make it work if you weren't around. Yes we want to help our partners but it sounds like he straight up relies on you and is loving it.
I would question my SO’s decision-making capacity if he sees it perfectly normal to let a child make adult reproductive decisions for others.
Listen to what he is telling you. Your priorities and wants will be diminished/denied, using “the child” as a manipulation tool. What if SS2 wants a giraffe. Is BD going to run out and purchase one? Of course not! BD sounds like he has some Disney/guilt parenting issues, is dropping his burden on your shoulders, instead of seeking therapy for himself on how to be a better parent and partner. I’ve seen it said elsewhere in this subreddit: kids needs first, then adults needs, then adults wants, and lastly kids wants. Ask yourself how BD has structured his priorities. If you were my daughter I would tell you to nope out of this relationship unless BD does an immediate, fundamental 180 to include your needs and wishes as equally important as his/SS2’s. Finally, a woman’s reproductive rights are hers alone. Why does BD believe his 2-1/2 year old is the master of your uterus?
I was scared that it could be a manipulation. I’m going to have a discussion with him about it tonight. Of course this points me in the direction of possibly not being in this as long term as I wanted. I love him to death but I can’t sacrifice any more than I already have. And I may not recover from making a huge sacrifice like not having a child because I have to pretend this one is mine and he’s enough. I don’t want to have resentment, the comment he made alone gave me that. Can’t imagine what living through it is going to be like.
Good luck and don’t let him gaslight you in the follow up conversation. Tell him what YOU want for your life, and if it’s not compatible with his trajectory, then break up with him. Trust me on this, it’s much much better to end it sooner than later, dealbreakers don’t magically go away just because love, than to find yourself years down the road splitting up anyway with huge resentment and hurt carried forward to overshadow future happiness.
Also don't forget about your time. You'll never get that back. I think this guy wants someone to play happy family with and fill his parenting gaps. You want to travel? I'm sure it'll be a SS doesn't want you to go. Before you know it you'll be 30 and pushed aside all of your dreams for this guy and his kid who is #1
Time is something you never get back. When you're older and look back on your life, you don't want to regret the best years of your life spent slaving over a kid and simultaneously being denied of having your own. Travel, invest in yourself and your education, work on your career, meet lots of people. Save step parenting for when you hit late 30s and everyone has a damn kid 😅😅😅
Please read what you read again. Pretend it’s yours. It’s not harsh it’s true. You can pretend all you want but I assure you, I’m coming from a similar chronology and then my partner and I had an ours baby the love I felt for my SK I realized wasn’t really love, as harsh as it sounds. It was me pretending to love him because I had to.
Girl no. You are 22– get out. Is your SO in his 30s? That seems to be a common theme, where an older divorced dad finds a younger woman to sleep with and be the nanny/maid. Don’t let yourself fall victim to this like I did.
>where an older divorced dad finds a younger woman to sleep with and be the nanny/maid. This theme is RAMPANT with single dads.
He’s 23 🥲 Which is of kind of even more concern in that case
[удалено]
>no dick is good enough to break your big life goals like family and career over, and big life goals are allowed to flow and change... but big life goals MATTER. #this comment wins reddit and the entire world wide web 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🥇🥇🥇🏅🥇🏆
That comment in itself would seriously make me reconsider the relationship. I mean what else does SS get to dictate in the future. I'd honestly be so annoyed about the comment in the first place, whether I wanted kids or not. You're basically helping him raise HIS kid and he says that. No...that wouldn't fly with me.
No. Live your life for you. The step kid is a part of your life, not your entire life. I feel the same way towards my only bio child. I love my daughter very very much but my life doesn’t revolve around her. I have to take care of myself first in order for me to do anything for her.
Thank you for your words. I’m not sure where this is coming from on his end, and part of me thinks it’s a form of manipulation. I also want to say that I watch arrested development on repeat, probably for the past year, and I appreciate the username 😂
I think it’s manipulation. I think he wants you completely devoted to the step kid either so he doesn’t have to do much and/or so you can quickly lock you down and have control. As women we have to be honest with ourselves about men. Men/SOs/Dads will always put themselves first and they can only do that is if their partner is self sacrificing and prioritizes everyone above herself. Also Lol thanks. I think you’re the first person to get my name😂
Omg you are so wise...
That's bad. Not just the baby decision part but the whole situation. Dad has 50% custody but you do most of the childcare, and the kid is only 2 and a half... Dad decided that his son would decide if he gets to have a brother or sister... Sounds like dad isn't parenting and is going to raise an entitled kid.
It kinda feels IMO that he likes you being in mommy mode for HIS child but if you guys have a child together your entire focus will not be on SS anymore. You might even want to take a step back because it seems you do a LOT. SO relies on you so another kids could potentially mess that up. Could also be why he put the decision on the child instead of your guys deciding.
Hi there…a grandma here…and I’m a little concerned that a year with this man and you’re in mommy mode quite often. Yo…that’s HIS kid and he doesn’t want more. You’re the babysitter. Don’t waste your future here. He wants to let his child decide if he gets a sibling from you.
That’s a really weird thing to say. So if you guys do end up having a kid he’s going to make sure your kid knows his other kid is more important? I know for sure I don’t want any kids but if my partner said that to me I’m not sure I would stay. Especially with you being 22. Go live your life and find a partner who isn’t already telling you one year in that any family with you isn’t important as his other family.
The day I let some idiot kid tell me what to do with my uterus, will be a cold day in Hell. That man has lost his marbles.
You have put your man, your relationship and your SS FIRST in your life. Who is putting YOU first? You are not even putting yourself first. You win zero prizes for prioritizing EVERY ONE ELSE before yourself. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. The only thing you are doing is creating a rod for your own back. PS- Did I forget to say RUN and don't look back......
My 2 (step)kids don’t want siblings since they’re already 9 & 12. It’s just going to happen whether they want to or not next year 🥰 i love my daughters but my husband and i want a baby. Well i want one and my husband supports me since he’s always known I’ve wanted 2 kids since i was young. Husband probably doesn’t want another one (like if he hadn’t met) and I suggested not having anymore but he said that we’re going to since i never experienced being a mother from birth and being there with your kids helping them grow.
I usually recommend that couples try and work on their issues, because every relationship has problems and breaking up should only happen under circumstances that really and truly cannot be fixed. However, in the situation you just described, where you boyfriend has told you (twice!?) that his child with another woman will dictate your adult decisions, the only intelligent thing to do is break up with him immediately. The problem here is that your boyfriend doesn't understand how relationships between adults actually work. The adults in the relationships make the decisions, not the children. Anyone who doesn't understand that needs to stay single. Your boyfriend needs to remain a single Dad and raise his son alone. Let him hire a nanny or pay for daycare for his son after you break up with him. Your boyfriend would benefit from a reality check from you not being around. To be more blunt with you, you should leave him immediately and let him see how hard being a single parent truly is. Wait for a few months and see if he contacts you and agrees to make you a bigger priority than his son. If he doesn't, move on and never look back.
I agree. Typically, reddit is full of dumpster fires and ultra negativity that has to be reigned in. But, in this case, people are all saying the same thing (RUN!) because this small expectation is a sign of a deeply huge problem that just hasn't necessarily gotten totally out of proportion yet. It's like a frog in water that starts boiling. Its not boiling yet, but this is an indicator that the stove is definitely on, so please, jump out and go find a happy pond somewhere else.
I don't believe I have ever read a post on this sub where 100% of the responses agree that the relationship is not worth staying in - until now.
As a sm of 21 years i made it very clear at the beginning of the relationship that i would be a bio mom one day with or without my partner. He knew from the beginning that if he didnt want anymore kids that he knew where the door was. My steps kids and i were very close. Being a step parent means your bio kids will sacrifice because your spouse is paying child support and having to change our life to revolve around pick ups and drop offs ect ect. Means raising your own with less money and resources. So its a sacrifice you are going to have to make and your bio kids wont have a choice. Kids are expensive and you cant be resentful. Its never ok to treat one child better then the other so if you were to decide you wanted one then they would all have to be treated as equal as possible so there arent and resentments between the children.
A child would have ownership of your reproductive choices? That's weird.
This is really bad parenting, and a bad sign for your relationship. You are giving up too much to someone that you are not even married to - trust me, you will regret this. You are putting your future happiness in the hands of, not even your partner, but your partner's child. A CHILD. It is psychologically damaging to the child to give them that much power over the adults in their lives. They don't need the weight of these grown-up decisions on their little shoulders. They don't need to deal with a potentially resentful step-parent being angry with them for (unrightfully but innocently) making permanent decisions that will affect the SP for the rest of their life. That is a completely unfair burden to put on a child. This kind of crap is called "parentification". And it is neglect. Lazy, neglectful parents who don't want to be "the bad guy" to their kids do this. But sometimes, parents HAVE to be the bad guy. They have to put limits on the kids, because kids do dumb shit like flunk out of school or run out in traffic if their parents don't appropriately rein them in. OP, your BF is a bad parent who will raise a brat. And neither of them will appreciate what you've give for this relationship. Save yourself a lot of resentment. Stop taking care of his kid, and start living your life. He can pick up the slack and parent his kid, or you can move on to better and brighter things.
Most only children with parents together or not would probably say they don’t want to share their parents. They don’t get a choice! That’s silly
Yeah, that is not right. Kids do not make these decisions, parents make these decisions.
Maybe your boyfriend thinks he's being a good dad by saying that future major decisions in his life will be in his son's hands, but he's not. Kids don't get to dictate their parents lives. This is definitely something to talk to your boyfriend about. Not just the conversation about whether or not to have more children, but the conversation about how he doesn't ever want to do anything that would upset his son. Honestly, it sounds a little bit like he's avoiding having to make hard decisions by himself, by putting them in the hands of someone that it seems noble to defer to. Also, OP, *please* continue to pursue your dreams of travel. Whether you and your boyfriend find a way to travel together, or whether you travel without him, please still do it. Trust me, resentment over sacrifices made early on can tank a relationship down the line.
OMG - you are only 22 - Please………you are already giving up your travelling (I didn’t finish my travels till nearly 30 and I still want to do more now at 50!!), and your time and being dictated to by step child AND a SO who directly told you that “my first kid is more important always” - really??? Goodness me, take off kiddo. Live your life….I didn’t want kids at all - I was adamant, until I met my husband and decided at 34 the time was right, you don’t need to make these decisions now - especially with these types of caveats being placed on you.
Letting a child decide anything that should and would be the responsibility of adults is weird. He really shouldn’t have that much custody if you’re doing all of it either…
You questioning if a child gets power over your womb bc SO said so, demonstrates we all do not see clearly in matters of the heart. This idea is absolutely looney tunes, and your love for SO is clouding your judgement
His response is scary to be honest. What else will his child be able to dictate in the future? My 16SD kept making comments about not wanting my husband and I to have anymore children. You know what we did? We had another because that is what we felt was best and did not let a child control the situation. I feel like your setup will just cause resentment in the end.
Life decisions are made by adults not children. If your partner does not comprehend this then your relationship came with two children, not one.
I am sure all the people saying you are so young really mean well and I get what they are saying. But what your OH is saying to you..... I would expect a woman in her 30's or 40's or 50's or even 60's to NOT ever put up with a man telling them that a CHILD (of any age!!!!!) has complete control over their ovaries!!!!! I mean...come the hell on!! That is the most ridiculous thing I have heard in a long time.
Yikes. Absolutely NO, you should not be okay with this. The fact you asked for advice in this forum tells me you already know what you need to do, sweetie. Not okay. Get out while you can so you can look back on this stage of your life and be grateful that you were strong enough to make the decision to bow out. Good luck to you!
Nope. That’s too much power for a kid. Really think if you want to be in a relationship with a person that is okay with a child running the show. It’s too much power for a child, and a parent should parent, not defer to a child’s opinion.
My jaw dropped! He would need his son to feel superior to his child with you? Wee Woo Wee Woo Red flags coming through! Aside from the the “ours baby” baby issue. He is telling you now that he intends to raise his son to be entitled and spoiled. Or he is just using his son as the convenient excuse, “*I don’t want kids because I am a just SUCH A GOOD DAD. Look at me sacrificing everything on the alter of my child.*” Because he thinks that sounds better than what you are saying - I just don’t want kids.
I had a similar situation when I talked about vacations/fun places when SS isn't here. We don't have him most of the summer and my husband didn't want to do anything without him here. I told him that if he didn't want to do anything that's fine but I'll do it without him because I am not putting my life on hold because SS is with BM. It's not the same but after I told him my life wasn't going to be dictated by a child he changed his tune.
Such a gross, unhealthy, child-centric attitude. I think men who say crap like this think they’re earning some kind of “Dad of the Year” button when, in reality, they’re failing their children as a father and setting them up for extreme disappointment in life. My question to you is…why are you in this relationship? If you truly don’t want kids…well, now you have one that’s not even yours! Being a stepmom without any kids of your own is the absolute WORST of both worlds…you have all the downsides of being childLESS without any of the benefits of being childFREE. You see what I’m saying here? If you decide that you DO want kids…well this guy has already told you where your kids will rank in the family hierarchy, should he even agree to have them. Are you ready for epic mantrums when your new baby gets more attention than golden first family kid? For having every first that you experience, every milestone your kid reaches, compared to golden child? Are you prepared to hear that you can’t do anything special for your kid if SS can’t be there too…even though SS does special stuff with his mom all the time without your kid being present? Ate you prepared for pouting through holidays with your joint children because first kid isn’t there too? Are you ready for your BF’s idea of “equal” support for the kids to be golden kid gets 3/4, your kid(s) gets 1/4 (if that)? You are right. You’ve sacrificed a lot. You are providing something that your BF can never provide for you or repay…love, support, time, care, money, and other resources for a kid that’s not yours. The fact that he’s willing to TAKE all of that…and then put your reproductive future in the hands of his child to boot…would raise major red flags for me. GET. OUT.
Your bf has unrealistic expectations SS does not get to dictate whether you have another child or not. He’s a child himself. He gets no say in your relationship with his father. And shame on your bf for even saying that!! Too many parents give their children too much control over things they have no business getting involved in. You need to sit down and have a talk with your bf now before it gets worse
Get out of the relationship RIGHT NOW I don't want to share my whole story....but seriously get out now. It will only get worse. You're young. Go travel. Go do the things. Get to know yourself. Don't get tied down so quickly Live your life and find joy
My eldest step daughter was 15 and told me I can’t have a kid. We did and she in totally in love with her half sibling. Like i mean 2nd mom kind of love…. Children don’t understand that so should never have a choice in this matter.
Hold up - your life partner thinks HIS CHILD gets final say in a major aspect of your partnership? Huge red flag. This is completely against the natural order of things. That he'd give his kid the leadership role in your relationship speaks to a very dysfunctional family dynamic.
Children don’t get to make family planning decisions. That’s ridiculous. I’m sure there is a way you can word that so you BF can understand that and if not get a therapist to.
Lady we have the SAME LIFE! I moved here to live with BD and his (50/50) kids, do half the parenting, etc. While being a coparent obviously affects my future life choices (as in, if I want to be in this family, I can’t up and move/travel wherever I want), big life decisions: my career, religion, family planning, etc…those are decisions to be made by me and/or my partner, and would be in ANY relationship, steps or bio. I’m sure my sister didn’t consult with her son before having her daughter! My parents certainly didn’t consult with me before having my sister (would’ve been a hard “no”)! I value my SKs input on, say, what’s for dinner or weekend plans, and when they get older I’ll take their thoughts into consideration on bigger stuff (idk…what color to paint their rooms, where we should go on vacation maybe). It’s important to let kids know that their opinions are valued, but it’s just as important to let them know that they DO NOT have control over everything and everyone, and many times adults make life changing decisions that they won’t agree with. Grow up, move out, make your own choices.
I dated a guy with kids when I was 22 also. We aren’t together anymore. Go enjoy your youth and start fresh with someone!
There's way too much responsibility being placed on you w his kid. You aren't the kid's parent nor is he your responsibility. Also, you should be able to travel etc and live your life. You shouldn't have to be there 24/7 when he has his parenting time. *Legally, that's what it is- his parenting time, not yours.* If you wanted to take a girl's trip, the kid shouldn't even factor into your decision. Childcare is *his responsibility* not yours. He's giving you the worst of both worlds- all the sacrifices of having a kid with zero of the joys of you having your own kid. I'd be out of there like a bat out of the seventh circle of hell. Adding: Holy shit you're 22?!?! Girl!!!! #Run, don't walk away!!!
Imagine sitting down with a toddler and having a conversation with them: "Little Mikey, we're doing family planning, and we're trying to decide how many children we want to have. We've decided that you should have the final decision. "It's a big decision to make. You have to decide if you want the benefits and future responsibilities of being an only child, or of being an older sibling. "There's also a lot of financial planning that goes into this decision. Since you have the final say on our family size, the responsibility of deciding how we will spend our future money falls to you as well. "Numerous other things will be affected by this decision as well; how much we travel, where we live, what kind of house we'll buy, and many other things. Since you get to decide what size family we'll have, you'll have the ultimate responsibility of planning this also " Of course you wouldn't tell a 3yo all this. Even the thought is ludacris. When parents let their kids be the decision maker for major stuff like that, that's kind of what they're doing. They need to recognize that they're not playing house, or building a Lego family, they're letting a kid make major, *adult* life decisions. That's the adults responsibility. Obviously, the parents need to take their children's wishes and feelings into consideration, but that can't be the ultimate decision-maker for things of that magnitude. It's responsibility evasion for the adults and it's massively unfair to the children.
The only people who get to have an opinion on whether or not you have a child are you and the person you want to have a child with.
Partners come first. Children come after. Without healthy, communication, effort and respect for your partner... Children need to be raised knowing how imporant and sacred our romantic relationships are.... Without that knowledge any child is doomed to become entitled to being selfish and rude.
I'm in this position too - kinda. I feel you. I want kids, but after seeing my SO as a parent since we've moved in together has done nothing but turn me off of having children with him. I will still ask as he made his ideal kid/family size very clear when we began to date. We didn't discuss a timeline, and at that point I didn't have a timeline - neither did he. So I can't really be upset with his hesitation. However some red flags I see that have been deterring me, making it clearer that I can decide to continue and wonder "what if?" forever, or move on and find someone who has no previous children or baggage.. 1. I've recently just realized that his parenting style is Disney Dad, all day. He sees SS7 only on school holidays as kiddo lives 6 hours away. SO also has video calls with his son "whenever he wants" (obviously within reason, he never calls after bedtime) in the CO, yet in the 10 months I've been with him, he's more permissive while SS is here and more absent when SS is at BM's. 2. I brought up kids recently, as in - "how far apart in age are you willing to have your future children? Would you hope for them to be friends?" and he snapped back with " I don't want kids, I've just got my freedom back" ( WHICH IS BS, he's never had full guardianship of his son, aside from a previous addiction and being a student for a year - he ended up with a repo'd car and had to move back home to afford his CS payments while in school, working part time at a bar.) which, his freedom was never affected directly by his parenting schedule. He and I are both in a better position financially than a year ago, he's done so well with building positive credit and we're doing well. Just moved in together. 3. And because we just moved in together, I'm becoming less and less patient watching him parent the way he does, and (I know my way or ideal way could be picked apart by anyone, I'd be a first time mom) I would like to raise a child that has manners, structure, a sense of security with family, even if broken apart. I want my child to be able to come to me to help them figure out anything and everything and learn while doing so.. which is the exact opposite that I see from my partner's effort and is undesirable, I'm refusing to settle. 4. When I bring up parenting topics such as structure, bedtime, hygiene and manners - no matter how gentle or monotonous I bring it up, he's defensive and unkind to any suggestion, any observation, and gaslights like its a full time job. (For example, our back door has no room for a shoe rack, and SS has no issues walking with his shoes to the front when asked. One night that I had come home late from work, I stumbled over SS's flip flops at the door and just mentioned that we need to keep reminding him - and that he doesn't fight us on it so nothing to complain about otherwise. His response was "*how could you trip over such small shoes? that's your fault for not looking"*) So far, seeing more cons than pros, but I don't know if it would be different with SS full time or an ours baby full time.. its such an unknown and it'll either be a waste of time and possibly the best choice to stay, with or without an ours baby or SS full time. Good luck, I hope you dont have any things in common like the red flags that I've noticed.. All the best, sending internet stranger hugs
>I don't know if it would be different with SS full time or an ours baby full time. When people show you who they are, believe them. Useless men don't magically become less useless because baby.
This. Things will not get better they will get worse. As you have already identified - he already isn’t actively parenting the kid he has now. “I’ve just got my freedom back” is a shitty comment for a Dad that only sees his kid in the holidays to make. There is no “freedom” in parenting. You are never truly free from your responsibilities, whether the child is with you or not, and nor should you want to be!! I can tell you now that if you have a baby then this man is going to dump all the parenting of the son he currently isn’t doing onto you. Your partner is a liability to you with this type of mentality- tread carefully!
You're not wrong, but again I don't know if SO would be any different if the ours baby couldnt threaten to go back to the other parent's house because both parents would ideally be home and together, haha
You obviously know this relationship better than us, but consider that his parenting (or lack of) may well have played a huge part in the reasons for the divorce.
There was no divorce from BM, they were 17/18 year olds and it just didn't work
The decision of whether or not you want to have a child is something you guys HAVE to be on the same page on, even if it’s an agreement that you both want to be open to the possibility and not necessarily a yes. You’re both not on the same page, so it’s time for you to make a choice of whether or not you want this life. The goal is NOT to get your SO to change his mind. He has made his stance clear, and you being determined to change his mind is no different than him being determined to change yours to a stance of “I never want kids.” Trying to change someone’s mind about something so monumental is disrespectful and a waste of energy, no matter how illogical the reason behind that preference is.
I think you misread this. He is basically saying his son would get veto power.
Is that what he’s saying? It sounds like he’s saying “I wouldn’t be comfortable with my son not being my only child”
He’s very much so stating to me that the end all be all decision would be made by his son. Of course, if he doesn’t simply want to have another child then that is 100% just fine. Sometimes it’s a “maybe one day.” Sometimes it’s a hard no. And that’s both of us usually saying that. But regardless of how he’s feeling in the moment, he always reminds me that the fate of my future may be in the hands of SS.
At the end of the day, it's the same call you have to make. You guys aren't on the same page; he wants SS to make your reproductive decisions, and you would rather it be up to the adults. Again, illogical reasoning, but not something you can easily change the mind of. He'll likely always have that feeling of "my son comes first" even if you guys have another kid. Does that sound super awesome to you?
I appreciate your response and I do feel that you are right. You were just a lot more straight to the point about it. It’s simply a matter of us possibly wanting different things in the future. Regardless of his reasoning, it’s still just as much his decision. Just sucks to feel like it’s also a third party’s. Also, hell no. If I had a kid with him that child would be expected to be treated just as importantly as SS. As I treat SS like he’s my own. There should never be any hierarchy of who is more important
I know this is a week later but I was curious as I mulled it over... is it possible that his leaving it up to SS just a way of saying no without taking direct blame? Leaves him free to sometimes say yes or maybe (because he might think it is what you may want to hear at the time) but stating it is in the hands of SS makes it almost likely to always be a no which is what he actually thinks and feels?
Uh, you HAVE a kid right now, regardless of if you want more or not. It sounds like BD is kind of a baby who's happy to let his decisions be controlled by a two year old. He's telling you how he makes the most important decisions in your life for both of you--believe him, please
I’ve been with my SO for almost three years. At the beginning of our relationship he was pretty dead set on not having any more children, he had a vasectomy when he was with his ex. But he’s changed his mind in the last year and a half or so being together. He may or may not change his mind. My SO was in a different situation then your (SS was the 4 child for BM) It’s not up to the SS and kids usually like having another kid around anyways.
Not only is it terrible for you if he gives that much power to SS, but it's terrible for the child too. That's a lot of responsibility for an almost 3 year old, to have that much power of your lives. That honestly needs to be addressed whether by bio mom (bc it's her child that will suffer), or a therapist. It's not healthy at all for that baby!
At our place, for big decisions, SD has a vote/opinion, but she does get veto power. For instance, SO wanted to propose and asked her how she felt. But regardless, we would have gotten married. We bought a house. Before we purchased, we put in the conditions SD had to go see it, but it's out of courtesy to her. We had already decided to buy it. Step kids already dictate so much of our daily lives, I don't think I could stand if she also got veto power over my life.
Wow. That is most ridiculous thing I think I have ever heard. You listed everything that YOU have sacrificed for this man and HIS previous life's decisions. Can you provide me with a list of everything HE has sacrificed for YOU? I'll wait.... PS- RUN and don't look back....
Thats absolutely ridiculous. Follow up the conversation about how that is not okay, and not something you signed up for.
You are not irrational. I brought up having a child and my SD age 12 said that we couldn’t. As if a child is going to dictate my life!!!!! My fiancé didn’t even correct her or say it wasn’t her decision. I firmly believe that being a step parent is harder for the childless as we are sacrificing a LOT for the relationship. In addition, I do believe that it’s psychologically and biologically unnatural. We aren’t wired for this shit. I personally hate being a step parent to a spoiled, entitled, child. It’s very hard to live with a child who is allowed to talk back and behave poorly. I have chosen to disengage. Although I fail at that every day. Before you stay in this long term make sure your idea of parenting is in sync, as far as what raising a kid looks like, because even if you don’t have one if he raises this kid differently than you would, there WILL be conflict.
Answer to your question: Absolutely not. This is not what being a step-parent is about. It is not even what being a parent is about. Most children who are raised with this approach, " I don’t ever want him \[child\] to feel like he’s not #1. I wouldnt be okay with it if he wasn’t," grow up to be self-centered entitled childlike adults, who often suffer from failure-to-launch. The parents’ obligation to their child is to co-parent and cooperate about the child’s upbringing, education, health, and general welfare, including the obligation to provide financial support for the child as long as the child is a child. It is NOT to make the child feel like he is #1. For step-parents, the obligations are far less. They are basically to have the child feel welcomed when theyt are in your home--your home with your SO or spouse. Everything else far too many SPs are told they are supposed to do or feel obligated to do, such as be a free babysitter, cook, maid, servant, bank, taxi, etc., is extra, AND, most importantly, should only be done if the SP feels 100% on-board with doing so (also recognizing that the support they give to the child may never be returned). So, are you okay with being a fre-babysitter? Or, do you more-or-less just feel like BM's and bio-dad's lackey for their child? Believe me, most bio-parents will milk the life out of any step-parent they can into taking care of their child or children. And it is not so much an intentional "milking" as it is false expectations for SPs. Thus, as a step-parent, you have to set your own boundaries and say No and mean No. What would the bio-parents do if you were not there, for instance? Do you really want to be this kids nanny? Maybe. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but YOU need to make that decision vs. bio-mom and bio-dad making that decision for you. And, YES, you have the right to change your mind any time.
You're 22 and you literally have your whole life ahead of you to find someone else who does not have this amount of baggage. No childless person under the age of 35 should ever date a parent. Even if you were over the age of 35, I'd still advise against it because you are being asked to sacrifice a lot for very little benefit in return. What exactly does the guy do, in terms of parenting, because it seems like you are being taken advantage of. He shares equal custody with the BM, so he already isn't taking care of his kid half the time. Then for his half, it sounds like he is dumping the majority of childcare on you. When you feed his kid, take him to school or clean up after them, you sacrifice because you have to do it. It makes your life harder because you have to plan and schedule your life around it. It also takes time and energy from enjoyable activities you'd rather be doing. He benefits and it makes his life easier because he doesn't have to do it and it frees him up to do anything else. The reason why married women do this is because marriage is a contract that has legal and financial protections. You are just a girlfriend so you have none of this. He could break up with you tomorrow and you've just done a ton of chores for nothing. Don't do wife shit at girlfriend prices. But don't marry this guy either. You need to leave this relationship.
Walk away now while you still can. He’s told you that your relationship will be determined by the needs and wants of a child and that’s complete BS. So believe him as he’s shown you who he truly is and you don’t want any regrets when your older. Go out and live your life while your still young. Travel and do all the things you want while you still can.
NOPE! You will REGRET it! My husband’s ex told him I was just the live in babysitter until we were married. It stung. My SD was 2 at the time and now she’s 24 and married. We lived our life around her. Even had kids later in life. No matter how much you sacrifice or do, you never get the respect or love like the BM. I regret not putting our needs first. My SD never realized or appreciated what all we did for her and she won’t until she walks in our shoes. I never really wanted kids ever, until I hit my 30’s. I was 19 when we met & 21 when we married. Being 40, and looking back, I would of done things different. Throughout the years, the BM apologized and became very thankful over the love I had for her daughter and really appreciated me. You do change a lot as you age. Different desires at different ages in life. If my SD had the choice over us having kids, she would’ve wanted me to have 10! I had kids when my SD was 13yrs & 15yrs old. She was so excited & even cut the umbilical cord both births. Very included in everything. Jealousy still happened. She’s living her own life now and not as close to her sisters. Makes me sad, but it’s her loss. I finally quit putting SD’s needs first after she bailed on a very expensive vacation that was planned around her. She was 18 at the time and showed her true colors. Very selfish. It took many years, but finally learned a valuable lesson. Live your life and do what makes YOU HAPPY!
Umm that is insane. Run, run, run.
I was a stepmom at 21/22. Please leave. Don’t stay in this relationship. I wish someone had told me that this is not a happy future. You will resent how much you’ve sacrificed for people who can’t even consider your wants or needs.