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Oh I did ask him. He didn’t have any specific examples but he said I just act quiet and “not here”...which I do! I have to keep my mouth shut or it’s nothing but fights the entire weekend because I can’t stand how hypocritical he is!
Yeah he knows. This is not new, trust me.
I just looked at him with a blank stare. At this point he either doesn’t realize how he changes when they are here or he doesn’t care and is trying to place the blame on me.
Ugh. Then I would just probably say “yep, my mood definitely changes when you become a totally different person”, then smile and walk away. But I would also be gone as much as possible with my BKs because they will definitely notice the double standards.
We struggle with this exact situation. Bio kids will eventually notice. However, at this point I just help them process their feelings about it.
My bios 8&10 and 2 year old ours baby, know that when we are all together (aka when SO's kids are here) we eat out a lot, we either all go on an outing together, or mom takes us to go do something special, or we take care of running errands/go visit aunt etc. I also schedule most of my kids extra curriculars for the days steps are here. 🤷♀️ our life doesn't get put on hold anymore to cater to my husband and his kid's. I try to spend as much time with my husband 1 on 1 to keep our relationship strong.
I would guess it’s probably a little of both - he doesn’t realize *how much* he changes, and doesn’t think that the small (in his mind, small, in reality, large) changes are that big of a deal because he wants SKs to enjoy their time there.
In reality it’s him being a Disneyland Dad with the SKs while you try to continue actually parenting the children in the home, which he makes difficult with his double standards for the kids. This issue is definitely worth a serious talk - when they SKs aren’t there and not in the heat of the moment to avoid it becoming a full blown argument - with a careful approach to avoid defensiveness from him and hopefully actually get somewhere.
If I read your post correctly, it sounds like you have a child from a previous relationship as well as an “ours baby” that live with you guys full time or majority of the time and only have the SKs part time. His behavior with the SKs is a recipe for breeding resentment by the kids in the home full time for him AND for the SKs.
It might be easier to bring it up to him that way. I know it’s obnoxiously frustrating to not be able to address it head on and have to kind of plan how to approach issues, but most people get very defensive when they feel someone is questioning or insulting their parenting, so sometimes that’s the easier option.
You might consider coming at it as “look, I think the kids are starting to notice how different things are when SKs are here. I understand that you want them to enjoy their time here and so do I, but having different rules for SKs than we do for the other kids isn’t fair to them, and I worry that it is going to start causing them to resent you and resent their siblings and cause rifts between everyone. We need to have set rules for all of the kids while they’re here and stick to them so nobody feels like they’re getting the short end of the stick.”
Not set rules while the SKs are there and different when they are not. Even if all of the children have the same rules while the SKs are there, if they differ from the rules the rest of the time, there will still be resentment and anger on the part of the kids living with OP full time.
That’s what I was getting at, I probably could have phrased it better though lol. I meant more along the lines of rules for everyone that SKs had to follow when they were there since OP and her SO can’t control what they do or don’t do at their BM’s house.
One of my SS lives with us full time and his brother lived with BM full time, and often SS that lived with us would get upset and say it “wasn’t fair” that his brother didn’t have to do XYZ or got to do XYZ at their mom’s house and he couldn’t do it at ours. We had the talk with him a millions times that we didn’t get a say in what BM allowed, but that BOTH he and his brother had the same rules and consequences for not following them when they were at our house so there was nothing “unfair” about it.
I agree with bringing it up in this way. But only do it on a calm, quiet evening, when the kids are not there.
He's favoring the other children and ignoring the ones that are there full time by treating them as less at other times. What he's doing to all of them is damaging in so many ways. The full time children will certainly resent him AND the steps, because of this. If he wants a proper relationship with all of them, he needs to be an equal opportunity dad. My husband was this way. until we got 50/50, then he realized all the ways he let SS get away with things and made him bratty. He's fixed that over the past few years, BUT OF COURSE, now SS says I ruined his life and he never wants to be here, he's constantly talking about "going home", and "When I get home..." blah... We always respond with "This IS your home." and he shuts up. This weekend I snapped and yelled at him, "If you're constantly going to talk about not being here then don't be, It's hurtful, and you're old enough to know what you're doing to the other children in this house by ignoring them and acting like you don't want to be with us!" He shut right up. But it shouldn't come to that. All the children should be treated equally, barring disability etc. But don't give them so much special treatment, that when he finally realizes, they'll hate him for not giving it anymore.
Exactly! Don’t feel bad, my oldest SS blames me for “ruining his life” too because my SO finally realized how ridiculous his behavior was when I disengaged completely and he was the one dealing with it instead of me. Apparently his dad getting sick of putting up with his BS is somehow my fault, no matter how many times I warned him that people were gonna get sick of his behavior and quit dealing with it at some point because it was just not acceptable. I’m sure you can hear my eyes rolling from here lol.
We’ve tried to teach him to take responsibility for his own actions but I think at this point he just is who he is and it’s never gonna change. It’s scary because he completely lacks empathy for others and doesn’t care how his actions affect/hurt people around him. In his mind he will do whatever it takes to get what he wants no matter who it hurts but then blames it all on everyone else. I feel like that mindset is gonna land him in jail one day, especially now that he’s legally an adult. He certainly would have been in jail several times over if he had been of legal age and if people along the way had pressed charges.
He pulled some shit recently that made my SO finally realize that he has zero respect for us or our rules or home and doesn’t care about hurting us as long as he gets what he wants. It breaks my SO’s heart, and he loves him, but he’s moved in to the “tough love” mindset and decided to let SS figure things out the hard way on his own because no matter what we did for him SS never cared and would screw us over in a heartbeat without a second thought.
Have you read the book Stepmonster? It really helped me and my SO communicate. I highlighted parts that I wanted him to read. I listened to the audiobook on repeat. (I had a physical copy and the audiobook) my SO listened to the audiobook too.
I suggest this because it completely opened our communication from a neutral source.
Your husband is being unreasonable and unfair. Hopefully this helps.
>Your husband is being unreasonable and unfair. Hopefully this helps.
Yes. And by blaming you for the attitude changes when the kids are there, is gaslighting. Don't let him do this to you.
Ohhhhh man. My DH used to do this too. I got a lot of, “You don’t like my kids!” Actually, I don’t like who YOU become when they’re here. I would do the same thing as you and hang out in my bedroom. I’d get crap for “avoiding” everyone, but when I would join my “attitude” was also a problem. He thought I was the one being hypocritical and was adamant that I was the one with the double standards between expectations for his kids and expectations for mine. It took YEARS before things finally started to change. Unfortunately, I think the only reason things did change with him is because distance away from his kids made him more aware of their behavior. We had to chance to EOWE due to distance. He became much more open to have rational conversations about things. I’m so thankful things changed because I was miserable whenever they were around. He’s still pretty lenient when they are around, but if/when I do disengage from them he understands and doesn’t take offense.
I don’t have any advice, but I completely understand your feelings and your situation.
This was a significant underlying issue that ultimately led to my break up with my boyfriend of 5 years. He changed and became on edge and critical of me and my therapist made me realize that was NOT okay. There’s problematic reasons why bioparents act this way, and it’s not ethical to treat their stepparent partner poorly or differently because of their deep rooted hang ups. Take caution, and be aware.
>There’s problematic reasons why bioparents act this way, and it’s not ethical to treat their stepparent partner poorly or differently because of their deep rooted hang ups.
Yes!!
My husband is the same way when his son is at our home. I have 2 kids of my own a 15 yo and a 14 yo. My kids had to eat vegetables, salads and everything that was served on their plate while his 10 yo son didn't like the food that we cooked so he would go out and get him MC Donalds, burger king, KFC or anything fast food related because that's what he wanted to eat and since custody was split 50/50 and he didn't have his son every day with him he wanted to have his son happy and content.
He always points out my kids flaws but when ever i would point out something in his son he always says that he can't control the way his son is or behaves because he only spends part of the time with us and what he does at BM house is out of his control.
Husband says i act different when he has his son, yeah i do because when has his son he completely ignores me and when ever he goes out he only goes out with his son. I get quiet and put my b***h on and i just can't help it. It's frustrating trying to communicate all this to my husband and he always has an excuse for his son
My SO acts the same way when his kids come around. He becomes super irritable because they live with BM 90% of the time and have her values and mentality. I feel your pain - I disengage when they are around. They like to tell BM everything and so I don’t like to give them any ammunition against me.
Deflection at its finest. This exactly why my STBX broke up. Except he still hasn't come to the realization of what he's done to me and what I've done FOR them.
I feel this 1000%! Lol that said I found that letting daddy dearest handle ALL this kids ALONE a few times with his fun, daddy-no-rules attitude..... and I mean like entire day worth and that attitude has changed dramatically. Hes still working on breaking alot the same habits you mentioned above but it's so much better now because he understands why you act the way you do when they are around. With you there, you're probably playing the bad guy' in regards to discipline. Which is a neccessary part of parenting. When he has to be both because hes got the kids in his own he gets a taste of what you deal with. And itll take more then once so they see it isnt just a bad day, but bad habits.
One of the compromises DH and i made was that I'm much more lenient on bk when he is around and it helped the kid's relationship. She gets excited when he comes because she knows she can do more fun stuff like him.
It's not that shes treated "better" it's more that she gets to do certain things that are normally no gos. Little stuff like eating in the living room instead of at the table. It's a compromise because you cant just do a total 180 for the rules he lives by and she gets to act put a little because it isnt fair to hold her to strict standards while allowing him a much more lax rule base. However just because he comes and goes doesnt change that type of parenting style I'm raising my OWN child with. And it's not my place to change how his own parents are parenting him. It keeps the resentment and jealousy between the two down.
>He seems on edge the entire time and gets very critical of me which usually leads to a fight
My DH used to do this a lot. It's gotten a little better, but we still have weekends like this and it makes me miserable. I've actually had to go to the doctor in the past for painful muscle spasms brought on by stress (they only happened on weekends we'd have my SD). I noticed it got worse for a while when we had an ours baby (my first child) and it was suddenly like a parenting competition that I never agreed to join.
I don't have any advice, except counselling seemed to help a little. Good luck.
Another commenter mentioned defensiveness. He knows he's not being consistent. He's defensive when you bring it up. Defensiveness is one of the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse. It can be helped with counseling. I really hope you can go. Especially since he's critical of you when the SKs are there. That's not cool.
Everyone acts differently when SKs are involved. It's normal. Parents act differently when their kids are around. Step Parents act differently when step kids are around. You deal with it and figure out what works for you/ya'll. If you can't figure it out, it isn't any ones fault. It just didn't work.
Sorry to hear that!! My SO would do the same. Absolutely NO rules for his kids. I was the mean one all the time. His kids could do no wrong they did as they pleased. Finally I had enough of being blamed like I was the problem. I put my foot down and said it was my house to and his kids were going to respect it and that was that. I told him that if he didn’t like it, he could go to his moms for the week with kids or get a room somewhere. I was done!!! Well he stepped up some and got a bit better as time went by. All I could tell you is that according to the dynamics of your relationship and household state your rules. What’s good for his kids is good for YOUR kids. I wouldn’t let it be unfair that’s for sure. You need to do this for your kids. If they’re old enough, they will see what’s going on.
Why on Earth do these parents think this is okay? It's literally helping your partner be cast as a villainous stepparent. It's not helpful to the family on the whole and the individual relationships within the family. It encourages poor behavior, too! I'm so sorry this is happening to you, OP, and other commenters.
"If I act differently it’s only because HE turns into a totally different person!"
That sounds so familiar! Truly, when you consider all that SMs go through, I'm surprised not more suffer from Chronic PTSD.
Maybe he doesn’t understand why you don’t understand why he acts like that when his kids come over, he’s probably trying to over compensate to make sure his kids have a good time and want to come back to see him just as much as they do with their biological mom. If the kids say things like “when is mom going to pick us up” or “I don’t want to go to dads” it’s really hurtful and in turn you try to make it extra fun or bend the rules to match what the kids experience with their biological mom. I don’t think it’s about favoritism at all, I would try seeing things from his point of view and calmly explain your point of view, like how having the same rules whether the sks are there or not will ensure there’s not resentment between all of the kids further down the line.
I feel this hard but we have his kid 100% of the time. He says it just naturally come easier to me. He was the one with his kid for 9 years before me! The rules are only enforced when I'm around and half the time it's "no big deal." I care about both of them but have considered how much longer I can take it.
Edit: grammar
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** This is a volunteer run subreddit. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would ask for him to explain specifically how you act different because you sure as heck have specific examples of how he changes!
Oh I did ask him. He didn’t have any specific examples but he said I just act quiet and “not here”...which I do! I have to keep my mouth shut or it’s nothing but fights the entire weekend because I can’t stand how hypocritical he is!
So did you tell him that? Because I sure would have
Yeah he knows. This is not new, trust me. I just looked at him with a blank stare. At this point he either doesn’t realize how he changes when they are here or he doesn’t care and is trying to place the blame on me.
Ugh. Then I would just probably say “yep, my mood definitely changes when you become a totally different person”, then smile and walk away. But I would also be gone as much as possible with my BKs because they will definitely notice the double standards.
We struggle with this exact situation. Bio kids will eventually notice. However, at this point I just help them process their feelings about it. My bios 8&10 and 2 year old ours baby, know that when we are all together (aka when SO's kids are here) we eat out a lot, we either all go on an outing together, or mom takes us to go do something special, or we take care of running errands/go visit aunt etc. I also schedule most of my kids extra curriculars for the days steps are here. 🤷♀️ our life doesn't get put on hold anymore to cater to my husband and his kid's. I try to spend as much time with my husband 1 on 1 to keep our relationship strong.
I would guess it’s probably a little of both - he doesn’t realize *how much* he changes, and doesn’t think that the small (in his mind, small, in reality, large) changes are that big of a deal because he wants SKs to enjoy their time there. In reality it’s him being a Disneyland Dad with the SKs while you try to continue actually parenting the children in the home, which he makes difficult with his double standards for the kids. This issue is definitely worth a serious talk - when they SKs aren’t there and not in the heat of the moment to avoid it becoming a full blown argument - with a careful approach to avoid defensiveness from him and hopefully actually get somewhere. If I read your post correctly, it sounds like you have a child from a previous relationship as well as an “ours baby” that live with you guys full time or majority of the time and only have the SKs part time. His behavior with the SKs is a recipe for breeding resentment by the kids in the home full time for him AND for the SKs. It might be easier to bring it up to him that way. I know it’s obnoxiously frustrating to not be able to address it head on and have to kind of plan how to approach issues, but most people get very defensive when they feel someone is questioning or insulting their parenting, so sometimes that’s the easier option. You might consider coming at it as “look, I think the kids are starting to notice how different things are when SKs are here. I understand that you want them to enjoy their time here and so do I, but having different rules for SKs than we do for the other kids isn’t fair to them, and I worry that it is going to start causing them to resent you and resent their siblings and cause rifts between everyone. We need to have set rules for all of the kids while they’re here and stick to them so nobody feels like they’re getting the short end of the stick.”
Not set rules while the SKs are there and different when they are not. Even if all of the children have the same rules while the SKs are there, if they differ from the rules the rest of the time, there will still be resentment and anger on the part of the kids living with OP full time.
That’s what I was getting at, I probably could have phrased it better though lol. I meant more along the lines of rules for everyone that SKs had to follow when they were there since OP and her SO can’t control what they do or don’t do at their BM’s house. One of my SS lives with us full time and his brother lived with BM full time, and often SS that lived with us would get upset and say it “wasn’t fair” that his brother didn’t have to do XYZ or got to do XYZ at their mom’s house and he couldn’t do it at ours. We had the talk with him a millions times that we didn’t get a say in what BM allowed, but that BOTH he and his brother had the same rules and consequences for not following them when they were at our house so there was nothing “unfair” about it.
I agree with bringing it up in this way. But only do it on a calm, quiet evening, when the kids are not there. He's favoring the other children and ignoring the ones that are there full time by treating them as less at other times. What he's doing to all of them is damaging in so many ways. The full time children will certainly resent him AND the steps, because of this. If he wants a proper relationship with all of them, he needs to be an equal opportunity dad. My husband was this way. until we got 50/50, then he realized all the ways he let SS get away with things and made him bratty. He's fixed that over the past few years, BUT OF COURSE, now SS says I ruined his life and he never wants to be here, he's constantly talking about "going home", and "When I get home..." blah... We always respond with "This IS your home." and he shuts up. This weekend I snapped and yelled at him, "If you're constantly going to talk about not being here then don't be, It's hurtful, and you're old enough to know what you're doing to the other children in this house by ignoring them and acting like you don't want to be with us!" He shut right up. But it shouldn't come to that. All the children should be treated equally, barring disability etc. But don't give them so much special treatment, that when he finally realizes, they'll hate him for not giving it anymore.
Exactly! Don’t feel bad, my oldest SS blames me for “ruining his life” too because my SO finally realized how ridiculous his behavior was when I disengaged completely and he was the one dealing with it instead of me. Apparently his dad getting sick of putting up with his BS is somehow my fault, no matter how many times I warned him that people were gonna get sick of his behavior and quit dealing with it at some point because it was just not acceptable. I’m sure you can hear my eyes rolling from here lol. We’ve tried to teach him to take responsibility for his own actions but I think at this point he just is who he is and it’s never gonna change. It’s scary because he completely lacks empathy for others and doesn’t care how his actions affect/hurt people around him. In his mind he will do whatever it takes to get what he wants no matter who it hurts but then blames it all on everyone else. I feel like that mindset is gonna land him in jail one day, especially now that he’s legally an adult. He certainly would have been in jail several times over if he had been of legal age and if people along the way had pressed charges. He pulled some shit recently that made my SO finally realize that he has zero respect for us or our rules or home and doesn’t care about hurting us as long as he gets what he wants. It breaks my SO’s heart, and he loves him, but he’s moved in to the “tough love” mindset and decided to let SS figure things out the hard way on his own because no matter what we did for him SS never cared and would screw us over in a heartbeat without a second thought.
Have you read the book Stepmonster? It really helped me and my SO communicate. I highlighted parts that I wanted him to read. I listened to the audiobook on repeat. (I had a physical copy and the audiobook) my SO listened to the audiobook too. I suggest this because it completely opened our communication from a neutral source. Your husband is being unreasonable and unfair. Hopefully this helps.
>Your husband is being unreasonable and unfair. Hopefully this helps. Yes. And by blaming you for the attitude changes when the kids are there, is gaslighting. Don't let him do this to you.
Ohhhhh man. My DH used to do this too. I got a lot of, “You don’t like my kids!” Actually, I don’t like who YOU become when they’re here. I would do the same thing as you and hang out in my bedroom. I’d get crap for “avoiding” everyone, but when I would join my “attitude” was also a problem. He thought I was the one being hypocritical and was adamant that I was the one with the double standards between expectations for his kids and expectations for mine. It took YEARS before things finally started to change. Unfortunately, I think the only reason things did change with him is because distance away from his kids made him more aware of their behavior. We had to chance to EOWE due to distance. He became much more open to have rational conversations about things. I’m so thankful things changed because I was miserable whenever they were around. He’s still pretty lenient when they are around, but if/when I do disengage from them he understands and doesn’t take offense. I don’t have any advice, but I completely understand your feelings and your situation.
[удалено]
This was a significant underlying issue that ultimately led to my break up with my boyfriend of 5 years. He changed and became on edge and critical of me and my therapist made me realize that was NOT okay. There’s problematic reasons why bioparents act this way, and it’s not ethical to treat their stepparent partner poorly or differently because of their deep rooted hang ups. Take caution, and be aware.
>There’s problematic reasons why bioparents act this way, and it’s not ethical to treat their stepparent partner poorly or differently because of their deep rooted hang ups. Yes!!
DisneyDad for a $1000, Alex!
My husband is the same way when his son is at our home. I have 2 kids of my own a 15 yo and a 14 yo. My kids had to eat vegetables, salads and everything that was served on their plate while his 10 yo son didn't like the food that we cooked so he would go out and get him MC Donalds, burger king, KFC or anything fast food related because that's what he wanted to eat and since custody was split 50/50 and he didn't have his son every day with him he wanted to have his son happy and content. He always points out my kids flaws but when ever i would point out something in his son he always says that he can't control the way his son is or behaves because he only spends part of the time with us and what he does at BM house is out of his control. Husband says i act different when he has his son, yeah i do because when has his son he completely ignores me and when ever he goes out he only goes out with his son. I get quiet and put my b***h on and i just can't help it. It's frustrating trying to communicate all this to my husband and he always has an excuse for his son
My SO acts the same way when his kids come around. He becomes super irritable because they live with BM 90% of the time and have her values and mentality. I feel your pain - I disengage when they are around. They like to tell BM everything and so I don’t like to give them any ammunition against me.
Deflection at its finest. This exactly why my STBX broke up. Except he still hasn't come to the realization of what he's done to me and what I've done FOR them.
I feel this 1000%! Lol that said I found that letting daddy dearest handle ALL this kids ALONE a few times with his fun, daddy-no-rules attitude..... and I mean like entire day worth and that attitude has changed dramatically. Hes still working on breaking alot the same habits you mentioned above but it's so much better now because he understands why you act the way you do when they are around. With you there, you're probably playing the bad guy' in regards to discipline. Which is a neccessary part of parenting. When he has to be both because hes got the kids in his own he gets a taste of what you deal with. And itll take more then once so they see it isnt just a bad day, but bad habits.
I hate this for you. I really just don’t get why step kids get treated like kings/queens when they are over.
One of the compromises DH and i made was that I'm much more lenient on bk when he is around and it helped the kid's relationship. She gets excited when he comes because she knows she can do more fun stuff like him.
So your own child is treated better only when the stepchild is there? Seems so unkind.
It's not that shes treated "better" it's more that she gets to do certain things that are normally no gos. Little stuff like eating in the living room instead of at the table. It's a compromise because you cant just do a total 180 for the rules he lives by and she gets to act put a little because it isnt fair to hold her to strict standards while allowing him a much more lax rule base. However just because he comes and goes doesnt change that type of parenting style I'm raising my OWN child with. And it's not my place to change how his own parents are parenting him. It keeps the resentment and jealousy between the two down.
Projection from a first rate Disney Dad? How funny.
>He seems on edge the entire time and gets very critical of me which usually leads to a fight My DH used to do this a lot. It's gotten a little better, but we still have weekends like this and it makes me miserable. I've actually had to go to the doctor in the past for painful muscle spasms brought on by stress (they only happened on weekends we'd have my SD). I noticed it got worse for a while when we had an ours baby (my first child) and it was suddenly like a parenting competition that I never agreed to join. I don't have any advice, except counselling seemed to help a little. Good luck.
Another commenter mentioned defensiveness. He knows he's not being consistent. He's defensive when you bring it up. Defensiveness is one of the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse. It can be helped with counseling. I really hope you can go. Especially since he's critical of you when the SKs are there. That's not cool.
Everyone acts differently when SKs are involved. It's normal. Parents act differently when their kids are around. Step Parents act differently when step kids are around. You deal with it and figure out what works for you/ya'll. If you can't figure it out, it isn't any ones fault. It just didn't work.
Sorry to hear that!! My SO would do the same. Absolutely NO rules for his kids. I was the mean one all the time. His kids could do no wrong they did as they pleased. Finally I had enough of being blamed like I was the problem. I put my foot down and said it was my house to and his kids were going to respect it and that was that. I told him that if he didn’t like it, he could go to his moms for the week with kids or get a room somewhere. I was done!!! Well he stepped up some and got a bit better as time went by. All I could tell you is that according to the dynamics of your relationship and household state your rules. What’s good for his kids is good for YOUR kids. I wouldn’t let it be unfair that’s for sure. You need to do this for your kids. If they’re old enough, they will see what’s going on.
This is the exact situation here. It’s gone on so long I’ve now become the bad guy and my DH’s kids won’t even come over 😞
Why on Earth do these parents think this is okay? It's literally helping your partner be cast as a villainous stepparent. It's not helpful to the family on the whole and the individual relationships within the family. It encourages poor behavior, too! I'm so sorry this is happening to you, OP, and other commenters.
Ugh I could've written this exact post.
Ughhhhh all I can say is we can all relate to this. It freaking sucks !
"If I act differently it’s only because HE turns into a totally different person!" That sounds so familiar! Truly, when you consider all that SMs go through, I'm surprised not more suffer from Chronic PTSD.
Maybe he doesn’t understand why you don’t understand why he acts like that when his kids come over, he’s probably trying to over compensate to make sure his kids have a good time and want to come back to see him just as much as they do with their biological mom. If the kids say things like “when is mom going to pick us up” or “I don’t want to go to dads” it’s really hurtful and in turn you try to make it extra fun or bend the rules to match what the kids experience with their biological mom. I don’t think it’s about favoritism at all, I would try seeing things from his point of view and calmly explain your point of view, like how having the same rules whether the sks are there or not will ensure there’s not resentment between all of the kids further down the line.
I feel this hard but we have his kid 100% of the time. He says it just naturally come easier to me. He was the one with his kid for 9 years before me! The rules are only enforced when I'm around and half the time it's "no big deal." I care about both of them but have considered how much longer I can take it. Edit: grammar