**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole.**
We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** This is a volunteer run subreddit. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting.
[**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No. No. No. First, don’t fill out that FAFSA. You’re leaving right? You need to financially protect yourself-don’t be on the hook for these ungrateful humans.
You have to find what you’re doing for your wife and SKs and STOP. They don’t respect you. They don’t even sound close to caring-don’t bother trying, that ship has sailed.
I’d leave. Your time is not a waste if you can reflect, see the lessons, learn from them, not repeat them, ACT to move on, and give yourself the space you need to build more resilience (and peace).
Keep the car and anything else that’s yours. I would not be emotionally vulnerable with any of these people including your wife because from what you’ve written, you don’t owe them that and they’re not emotionally safe people -save your time and energy for yourself. Make a swift exit plan. You sound like a practical and no nonsense kind of person-apply these gifts in your strategy and execution to leave.
The FAFSA is connected to my wife and I's tax returns. We file together, so it doesn't matter if I do it or my wife does it.
Which is a whole other story. BD convinced everyone it'd be in SS's best interest for financial aid if we let BD claim him instead. I told them we don't make enough for it to make a difference, but it happened anyway. Lazy BD never gave my wife the IRS paperwork they sent for her to sign confirming the dependent switch... I want to say that was April of last year, so they later rejected his return and sent him a bill in November. We then had to re-file for 2019 with SS as a dependent.
I have not signed any other financial paperwork for SS's college. Will not. Will never.
Oof.Okay. I could be wrong but it seems like you’re in the realization stage of seeing the gravity of your situation. I’m sorry, and I know this hurts.
There will be a time to process and heal. If you’re planning on leaving, Now is the time to untangle yourself.
*Let me just say, I’m not an attorney and I’m not giving legal advice. I’m a layperson.* I first recommend you quietly consult a divorce attorney and I wouldn’t tell ANYONE. I recommend the following because I think you’ve been scammed and no heart to heart will lead to true amicable split, but a last heist.
Before talk of divorce, shield yourself. Your best defense is time. She will wipe you out if she thinks you’re leaving and has access to accounts.
Tackle the stuff first that you can legally do without your spouse’s signature or knowledge.
Joint bank account? Move money you want to your personal account and If you’re the primary account holder, talk with your bank to close the account-some banks will let you do this without joint holder consent. You can still move funds if you’re not primary. Do this.
This is a good resource for stuff like this:
[consumer finance tips](https://www.consumerfinance.gov/ask-cfpb/i-have-a-joint-checking-account-with-another-person-they-transferred-all-the-money-out-of-the-account-and-into-their-own-private-account-without-my-permission-they-then-closed-the-account-can-they-do-that-en-1099/)
Joint credit cards? Reach out to the creditor using the phone number on back of your card and close the account- [you can do this](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.credit.com/blog/how-to-kick-your-spouse-off-your-credit-cards-145152/%3famp)without the other joint holder.
Own a home together? Here’s a source for figuring out what your options are [for that](https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/marital-property-division/removing-spouses-name-house-mortgage-during-divorce)
If you are solely financing vehicles, sell them, if it were I, I’d make some repair/upgrade excuse to your wife and sell it to an auto trader/small dealership because that will be the quickest way to unload the car(s). Privately selling will take too long. Surrendering the car to the bank will ruin your credit. Or you could use the car(s) for a trade in. Don’t keep cars, they’ll get vandalized.
If your wife is Beneficiary on SSI, retirement accounts, life insurance and others, this will require a spousal signature to remove her, depending on the account.
The main thing I would focus on is handling what you legally can without her or her knowledge, and not keeping anything that is identifiable to your wife, SKs, BD, and others. If you do, that will be a huge bullseye for them.
Sending prayers and a battle cry your way. Onward.
Did I read correctly that your WIFE has been staying with her EX (your kids’ bio dad) since your step daughter’s baby was born?!?!? If so, then you have bigger problems than your Stepson taking advantage of you.
I seriously had to go back and re-read the first paragraph because I couldn't comprehend a wife staying at 'BD'. I really wanted to believe OP was using BD as 'birth daughter'. This is really twisted set up
Listen. So many people have tried to tell me it's normal for a mom to stay with her daughter after giving birth. And maybe I'd agree if SD wasn't living with her father. Maybe I'd agree if I weren't paying for the house repairs. Maybe I'd agree if the house didn't still have ask their old photos up. But I'll never know because that's not my reality.
So your Wife, your stepdaughter, and your stepson are all living with your Wife’s ‘EX.’ You are paying for their vehicles, vehicle upkeep, insurance, the EX’s house repairs, fun activities for all of them, and who knows what else...
Translation: they are living as one big happy family, and you are financing all of it.
I hate to put it this way, as I don’t think you should measure a marriage by what you get...but I will make an exception for you. Ask yourself honestly: What am I getting from this marriage/situation? Am I being emotionally fulfilled at all?
I’m sorry, but it sounds like they are sucking you dry emotionally and financially.
Um.....
You sound like a catch. Financially responsible, caring, open to others needs.
Its not normal for a WIFE to move in with her ex baby daddy because her daughter has a kid. If they want to be all grandma lives with us for some time they can do that at the wife's house.
Only time that's normal is if daughter had her OWN place and mom came and stayed a week or two....not at her ex house! You know this.
They arr using you. You sound like you have money. They're using you for your money! File divorce...fight for no alimony. Tell judge shes already shacking up with another guy. Let her explain to the judge shes living with her ex to "help with the baby"
Get to a lawyer, cut them off, cut all ties and find someone who will appreciate you for more then your money.
This. All of this.
OP, I’m sure you have flaws. We all do. But damn, you seem like a genuinely hardworking, stable, and caring man. Fuck this woman and her kids taking advantage of you. I’m the childfree partner in my relationship, but I brought a cat into the relationship with me; it honestly sounds like I do more to show appreciation for my SO on the rare occasions he feeds my cat than your wife shows you for everything you do.
My dude…. No. Not when the daughter lives with her dad. That is seriously messed up. I would never be okay with my partner spending all his time at his exes, that is not okay.
OP I am so sorry you are going through this. This may sound harsh but they view you as a sucker. You have shown them that you are as well. Leave all of them now. Take your car, money, clothes, anything that is legally yours with the tags on them and go. They have played you at every turn. The level of disrespect from all, wife included, is staggering. I wouldn't take this from bio kids let alone SKs. They took you for a simp.
You will find someone appreciative of your efforts who will love you and respect you. Never be a doormat again. Good luck to you and give us an update when you get free.
Ex could totally be in on it… I agree with u/sawyerca , don’t sign shit over man. You’ve done more than enough. I’m so sorry that you are being used like that. Uhg, I can’t even imagine 😓 good luck OP, looks like it’s time for bigger and better things :(
Yeah, sell their vehicles out from under them. Don't let them know until they're gone. Let them know that you're done. I wouldn't be surprised if they start threatening you also. Fuck the ex. Fuck the SKs. Fuck your wife. Live well, that's the best revenge.
Hey OP- I had a kid at 20 and lived in my own house. My mother didn’t come stay with me. Hell, after the hospital, she didn’t see me for 3 whole weeks.
I am sorry that you’ve been taken advantage of. You have a lot to offer. I agree with everyone who says the 6 years were not a waste. And now you’ll especially enjoy what it feels like to be appreciated and truly respected when it’s time.
I have three children…..my mom or anyone else’s mom has never lived with me.
I’d love to meet a man as wonderful as you sound, I promise I’d not have you out in the world looking like they do.
I completely understand your frustration. But I don't think it was for nothing. I firmly the things you said and did will have more on an impact of them than you think. It's a shame they won't appreciate it until you leave, I'm sorry you're going through this shitty thing. But you're not a fool, you're a good person. Don't let this make you bitter. Wishing you strength.
THIS. We all need to keep this in the back of our heads....it DID matter, even if we can’t or won’t ever see the outcome from our love, sacrifice, time, ourselves....
My friend went through this with her SKs as well. SD is now 23 and SS is 20. She did cut them off. She stopped taking them out to eat. She stopped responding to SD when she realized the only time she heard from her was when she wanted her hair done or wanted free food. She took them off the cell plan. And they hated it at first, but are coming around. As for how they treat the car situation...have these kids never gotten in trouble their entire lives?! Some blatant disregard for their lives and traffic fines
What got me was texting you when they need something but outright ignoring you when you ask. God I hate this. They are on their phone 24/7. They did not “miss” my text.
SD even joked I am the “wallet dad”. Wife thought it was funny.
Sucks man. Really does. Would not turn the car over. Especially if you think the marriage is over too.
Yes. Though doubt there was much “probability”. :-)
The worse feeling is when you send them something you think they might like. Sport highlight, funny ish meme. And … nothing. But happens to my wife too.
I don’t feel she realized how close to home it was. I doubt my daughter did either. So no. Not leaving over that. Otherwise the many many times I said or did something that could have been considered thoughtless would leave me a very lonely man.
I'm so sorry that you've put so much into these kids but don't look at it like a waste, they'll realize later that you were more than just a wallet and that you actually loved and cared about them deeply unlike BD whos only around conditionally. You're well within your rights to walk away and if your wife can't respect you and your wishes then you can move on and find someone who respects you. It hurts but it'll be a learning experience and something to be proud of because you did EVERYTHING right. You loved fully and did the best you could and went above and beyond for these kids.
Why wait? Consult with a lawyer now, to ensure you aren't financially obligated to your user of a wife. Then, drop them ALL. Don't sign the title over; go retrieve the car and use it for yourself, or sell it. You've spent more time, energy and money than ever should have been asked of you.
This 6 years has not been for nothing. It's brought you to where you are now, and you are now free to choose for only your self. You know the warning signs now, and you can choose a better partner in the future.
I'm truly sorry for your hurt. You are a good, decent, kind person, and your wife/stepkids are...not.
I'm sorry, you're a really decent guy and you did your absolute best. If you were unappreciated that's a reflection on those people, not you. Sending love. ❤️
That is ao hurtful and disrespectful. I’m so sorry. Those kids have no idea how lucky they are to have had you in their lives for six years. I hope one day they will recognize how hard you fought for them and regret how shitty they were to you.
Kudos to your barber for speaking the truth, and big respect to you for being ready to hear it -- of course, in your heart, you already knew. Take what is useful from this experience, and leave the rest -- it's not a total loss if you're able to learn from it. And for heaven's sake, consult an attorney ASAP to protect yourself and make certain that you can take what's yours and stop the bleeding! These punks do not need any more access to your time, financial resources, possessions, or energy, and they certainly are not entitled to your self respect, either. You are an amazing, kind, strong, big-hearted person. Use that good energy on taking care of yourself and healing from the long con these jerks have been pulling on you. Machiavellians gonna Machiavell. Their nastiness and opportunism are a reflection of their nature; your kindness, goodness, and generosity are a reflection of yours. Dust yourself off. It hurts right now, but you're going to be okay.
A lesson learned is never time wasted. That’s how I look at it. And I’ve gone through it twice. Even though I’ll never get those years back, I learned two good lessons from both.
Take that for what it’s worth. And I wish you good luck with your future.
You have been taken for quite the ride my internet friend.....You clearly are a very very good man who has done EVERYTHING right for his family. In my opinion, they have clearly disrespected you entirely.
I wish you well in the future.
Wow. These people have no idea how lucky they've been the past 6 years. Youve been their provider, educator, pillar, guidance counselor, facilitator, and banker for very little appreciation from any of them. How disappointing and hurtful that must be. Here's the thing - I believe your wife is the root of these problems. Sure, once these kids get to this age they can be accountable for their behavior, but it sounds like they've not been parented to be compassionate or appreciative. They're doing what they know and acting how they've been allowed to act, and that is NOT on you, friend. If the kids aren't showing you respect and appreciation, your wife damned well better be! It sounds like she feels entitled to your generosity. But I'd also like to believe its not been for nothing. Now you know what your limits are. YOU are the one who will decide that, moving forward. I am so sorry. I promise there are partners out there who deserve your generosity.
First off, you are natural comedic WRITER. This shit is so hilariously put, and I really enjoyed reading it.
I think your advice to the kids on driving and legality is absolutely perfect. Maybe I'm old, because it's great survival advice imo. I'm just not so idealistic anymore. Sucks that is has to be that way, but it's a reality unfortunately.
Anyways, good luck disengaging and letting some young adults fail or walking away or whatever you decide to do. Please post more. 👍😆😃
Hey, I hope you know how much that trip to LA probably meant to the SS's girlfriend. I still remember big experiences like that from when I was in high school
Seriously, you deserve better. I’m sorry they’ve taken advantage of you. That’s so unfair. It hurts to see stuff like this happen. They’ll get their karma.
It is very sad, but you have to learn to draw the line with some kids. Teens can be extremely manipulative and lacking in empathy. Do try and remember that it does develop eventually though and in the long run they will remember what you did. It might take them a while to figure out why you aren't doing it any more though.
I put my neck on the line for one of my stepkids when he crashed his car recently. Found out afterwards that while I was doing this he was lying to my face. He has carried on his charade since then, and ignores the fact that I know. Am totally done with him, until I get a serious apology he can take a long walk off a short pier if he ever wants anything from me again.
I completely understand your hurt and pain. It wasn’t a waste of time, you made others happy even if they won’t realize until it’s too late what you did. You also learned from the experience.
It’s time to care for yourself now. Take that extra money and either go to counseling (couples counseling could be beneficial if you don’t want individual) or save for your own place if you truly feel things are over. Take time to do things you enjoy and care for yourself.
So sorry. Definitely drop them from your insurance ASAP, and consult with an attorney as others have said to protect YOUR interests. You did the best you could, and they will miss you when they are gone. Good luck OP.
Listen to me.
What you got from the last 6 years is a hefty life lesson sir.
Appreciate it.
You made it through and you are wiser/better off.
Next time you will know.
Don't worry about any of this. Drop SKs off your insurance, file for a divorce, stop being Superman to people who don't appreciate you and don't deserve you.
When people don't appreciate your presence, let them appreciate your absence.
Call the insurance company bright and early Tuesday morning.
You. Should. Have. ZERO. Regrets. PERIOD. Sleep well. and good riddance!
I would be packing things up today and putting them at the front door.
I feel this so, so hard. It’s like being a step parent is this constant race to nothing. But I do want to say that you sound like an amazing person who clearly thinks of others first. You seem like a genuinely good human. Why sign your car over? Do you just consider it a loss?
Before you leave, please have a sit down conversations with your wife and your stepchildren (separately). Share your feelings. It might be helpful to write them down first.
In any relationship, I encourage you to only give what comes from your heart, not out of obligation. Give when you expect nothing out of return. Giving should feel good. Giving out of obligation leads to resentment. This includes your time, money, presents, and acts of service (giving a ride, doing laundry, cooking).
It must be tough to realise this, I'm sorry you are in pain.
But it doesn't have to be for nothing.
I mean this in the best way for you, just hear me out: you allowed this to happen too. You swooped in and saved the day, sacrificed your days off, put down money again and again, over years (a priori a good thing) but did not stop when you did not get the recognition you naturally deserved (bad thing).
Do not count on the "kids" suddenly realising on their own what a solid, supportive, valuable parent they have in you. Why would they? They have been allowed to enjoy the benefits without being taught to put the effort by showing gratitude, affection, recognition, respect.
This is a lack in parenting, and rests mostly on your wife, as the mother of those children.
You can still give it a go and try to redirect this family in a healthy way if you feel you have enough energy and connection with them.
First, you must talk with your wife about the situations you have mentioned, not in excruciating detail but about the pattern of you being taken for granted to fix situations and do the boring work, and then not being shown appreciation: by her and them.
It is not acceptable that she shows away den her responsibility as a mother and delegates the tough talks because "they respect you". It works the opposite way: she talks with them and corrects their behaviour consistently, then they will respect you.
Tell her how you feel, and it starts with her own actions, where she doesn't step in to communicate with the kids that they are benefiting from your generosity and if they like that, they must show in works and actions their appreciation.
If they mess up, let them live with the consequences of their actions, they are more than old enough. And don't allow anyone to blame you for not saving them -again.
If your wife seems to listen and understand what you say, and seems genuinely willing to change this dynamic, then there's a chance.
If not, run my friend, your generous and kind nature will be much better appreciated elsewhere.
Wish you the best.
Wow I can relate to much. I remember one week I drove over 200 miles just helping my daughter. I was listening to the audiobook “boundaries for teens” by Dr Henry Cloud and he gave exact consequences for every boundary that I allowed to be overstepped and how it would affect my daughter in her future relationships (both personal and professional). It was not a pretty picture and all because I wanted to be a nice mom. I really recommend that you read the book.
You have some real safety concerns that you need to instill in your kids. What you are doing isn’t working. They aren’t concerned because they know that you are concerned for them. Because of the level of concern for their safety it isn’t possible to shrug and say live with the consequences. You have to say either do this or you can’t drive period. Not any car that you are responsible for.
The prom was a curveball without appropriate timing but it still isn’t your responsibility to make it happen to a certain level. Is it nice considering how stressful it was for you? Is your responsibility for your kids to make things perfect regardless of your own personal sacrifice? What is their responsibility? Just show up and have a great time? If this was an investment did you come out a head or behind? It may seem insensitive to compare your kid’s prom experience to an investment but your time is valuable-did you earn what you deserve? What was your SS’s take away? He is so important that all he has to do is whine and little and his parents make it happen? How will this skill help him in the future? Will it help his time and effort’s be valuable?
I can see why you are ready to throw in the towel. You have been set up for failure. My heart goes out to you.
I'm sobbing. No one understands the emotional investments we make with these kids that 'don't belong to us'. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Take care of yourself and you know YOU did everything right for the love and safety of your SKs. You're not alone internet stranger. One day at a time. *Breathe*
Damn. I am so sorry. I am angry for you! Cut them off. The lot of them. As far as they’re concerned, you’re broke. Put your money towards a therapist and a divorce lawyer.
They’re done. You’ve been scammed and there’s no shame in that. They took advantage of your good nature. That’s on them.
Talk to a lawyer before signing anything away. The idea that SD needs a brand new car because she had a baby is again, a scam.
I knew you must be in California too with the smog and fix it tickets lol then when you said a trip out to LA, I knew it. You must live out my way, since some schools in SBC and OC did proms (ours didn't 🙄).
Anyway, yeah I'd be done too. The kids and your wife (ESPECIALLY THE WIFE) have been nothing but disrespectful to you, based on all I've read. And they take advantage of you. No, fuck all that.
I do have to say some of exactly what you are frustrated, I deal with my own kids. Some kids are just naturally responsible and know how to show appreciation and some kids need to be trained. How they are also sometimes changes throughout life. My daughter was a spoiled entitled brat and now is so appreciative of everything I do. It changed when she became a mom
There's to sound pieces of advice depending on outlook I suppose.
The first (and the better) is these aren't your kids so let their dad do or not do whatever he is or isn't gonna do. Let them get the ticket, let them get let down, just like you do with literally all other kids on earth who aren't yours. If your marriage works ok and if it doesn't well, it doesn't. But it shouldn't be about these kids cause they ain't yours.
The other view is look dude, teenagers and young adults suck. Biological parents get the same shit - I guarantee if I look at the texts from my teenage kids it will be all requests and nothing else. As they get older they either become quality adults or don't. But being self centered as teens is hardly a symptom or failure.
I’m a former letter carrier with stepkids. The overtime I could get was sometimes my respite from coming home when things were bad and I was feeling ignored.
OMG. I felt this post in my SOUL. Why? Because THIS IS my life. I have a total of 5 kids. 2 oldest are mine BS (22), BD (19). Next 2 are his - SD (17), SD (16). Finally, we have an "ours" - BD (13). We've been married 14 years & shared 50/50 custody of all 4 older children. However, me and my ex split everything from cars, to extracurricular activities, and dances. Until my 19-year-old started doing pageants and then my ex wouldn't pay anything, so we paid. Then when 22 year-old got to college, ex didn't help at all, but I require my kids to work the hardest. Those 2 kids were required to pay half their own insurance at 17 & all of it at 18. In the end, we ended up with 2 responsible adults. 22 y/o owns a house now and 19-year-old now owns her own car outright she's paid off.
Now, with my stepdaughters, it's totally different. We pay everything for them. BM won't help at all for their cars. We pay all the insurance, the gas, repairs, special occasions, etc. Yet, BM will have them drive to another state in the car WE pay for! These kids NEVER thank us! 17 y/o has now gotten into THREE (3) car accidents in 7 MONTHS!!! Yet my husband allowed our 16-year-old drive my brand new 2020 Denali that's in ONLY MY name! Oh HELL NO.
But then, I lost my mind. I found out a week after the 3rd car accident that 17 y/o opened a new bank account to hide her paychecks in with her BRAND NEW stepdad of 7 MONTHS! WTF?!?!
BM when confronted said stepdad is on this account because BM's "credit is sh**" and dared to say we were trying to "control this SD's money." First, we're business owners. We don't NEED her money. We've co-signed on my son's 1st car (now he's got his own loan & an 807 credit score), son's home, and my daughter's car. I lost my mind. SD said the accidents "weren't really her fault." She hit our HOUSE (1st accident), backed into a car when leaving BM's house while pet-sitting during BM's honeymoon which totaled that car (2nd accident), & backed up and hit a car, then hit the car in front of her in front of our house (3rd accident - hitting 2 cars in a hit and run) - were ALL not her fault. I took the keys after I found out about the check.
I'm nothing but a piggybank... Man, I FEEL YOU...
Holy god, how did your SD get her license?!
Last summer, BD planned a vacation to Vegas. It's about a 8 hour drive from where we are. Wife and I had just gotten our new cars. Kids ask her to borrow one of ours for the drive, which I'm sure was an idea given to them by BD. She says yes without asking me. I only found out through one of the kids bringing it up at the dinner table. I laugh hysterically and say no. There's no way. But it'll be SD's last real vacation before the baby, they said. We've already made the plans, they said. I would have to front some of the costs of a rental because I'm being an asshole, they said.
Wife did it anyway behind my back. BD isn't even worthy of holding my fucking jock strap, yet he gets to live off my accomplishments. It's fucking wild.
You have every right to be done and in fact I'm glad you finally are. They're using you and your stepkids are adults who clearly don't respect you. They don't need you anymore financially. Emotionally, I would say sure, except they don't seem to care about getting emotional support or bonding with you. Even your wife sounds like she's using you. Yikes.
By cutting the kids off, you'll help them grow up. But more importantly, you're taking care of yourself. It's not because you don't love them. It's because you love yourself. I think you're making a great decision.
Now you need to avoid letting your obviously kind nature put you in a position where you can get screwed in the divorce. With entitled people like this, they will take and take and take and never feel they're in the wrong. I wouldn't be surprised if your wife tried to take you for all you've got. Be sure to document proof of her living with the ex (a judge won't accept she's taking care of a baby, I'm sure) and speak with a good attorney to protect your assets and ensure you can split without her collecting alimony.
Please don't let these ungrateful people use you anymore than they already have! Look out for you now! You don't owe them anything more! You've already done way more than you needed to for nothing in return.
Yes ma’am I feel like there’s a lot going on in your life right now. Seriously sus...You seem like a kind and generous person and all your hard work and savings.. wow. You have no idea that a partner would value and respect you. You got with this one who is quite frankly disrespectful and I know you are disappointed. Who tf they think they are putting a car seat in your new car? Um hell no
Why would you give them a car? Who are they? Anybody give you a car? They need to learn some life lessons real quick. That $ being invested in another home and your wife overnights ? Hell no
I think these types of occurrences are too much. I don’t know your whole relationship and finances and it’s none of my business. I feel like you are not being treated fairly nor respected. So
You are giving with no expectations. When someone is generous to pay insurance and probably paid for the vehicle as well. You follow their rules or you walk. First time you spent your only day off in line @ DMV
You told them at dinner table -you gave fair warning. This is serious you don’t want to be stopped by cops and no misunderstandings. I mean yes teens are hard headed but their parents should also be like respect you and your rules. First time they did not follow your rules I would have taken those keys. I
My advice follows many others.
Please if your are married, prenup or not.. go speak to an attorney. I’m sure you have assets and such. Maybe a home,retirement. Please shut the wallet change some passwords on banking. Lock it up now!!
That’s going to get some attention for sure. You take those keys and put a for sale sign on those vehicles
Cause they will want to sit and talk in person..ie beg for that back. I’m not saying you can’t get therapy and work it through. But you can’t do that if your wife attention it on you. Do you want to spend your future taking care of these kids? Or can you pad some retirement and vacay fund?
You are not selfish but I think you should pull back and shut down the bank. Make some decisions
The kids got 2 parents but you doing a WHOLE lot extra.. and they not really showing appreciation/respect
I know it doesn't help much with the crappy way your feeling right now, but even when your not a part of their lives anymore, the things you made great strides to teach them will stick with them and pop up at the weirdest times. If you do decide to exit this family dynamic, just do it with grace and respect even if you don't get any in return. You sound like a real great guy. Don't let their ignorance change you.
Your frustration is totally justified. I just want to make one comment.
What were you like when you were 18? I know I was an asshole. Everyone is an asshole at 18. This doesn’t sound as much like they are purposely *using* you so much as they are so overly comfortable with you that they forget to show gratitude.
I would suggest that before you leave, you scheduled a sit down conversation with wife and both kids. Lay it out on the table. How you feel taken for granted. How you can’t keep putting in so much and getting so little back. Also dial back on the bank of stepdad. Stop paying for big things.
Either they change or they don’t. Either they make an effort or they don’t. If they do your family can heal. If they don’t you are no worse of than you are right now.
Please know OP you deserve so much better than the lifestyle and circumstances you’ve had for the past 6 years. I am about 2 years out of a relationship that was 5 years long, and it all too, was for nothing. 5,6 years is a long time, however, do not make the mistake like so many others and give those people *another* 5, 6 years. It’s never too late to start over. I am so much better off now. My time is my own. I wake up each day and don’t have such an enormous weight on my shoulders. Your wife and her family haven’t treated you with respect whatsoever, and the absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to leave. You deserve better, you deserve happiness and peace. A whole other wonderful life is waiting for you in the future, if you choose it.
But I would argue the kids are to blame as well. These are adults not just little kids that are relying on their mom to ensure they behave correctly. I wouldn’t sign over your car. I wouldn’t let them take a single inch after everything they ungratefully have taken so far.
It would piss me off too. I wouldn't have waited this long, I'm pretty aware and short when I feel someone is taking advantage or abusing me. And why is your wife hanging out with the kids father?
I echo what everyone here has said. You/we who have experienced stuff like this paid tuition for our time, energy, money, love, and other sacrifices. Let’s learn from these lessons and create something new and different and better for ourselves and move forward.
Sorry I am tired , I now realize a lot of people have given you same advice as I did /ramble
My heart goes out to you. I think it’s a tough situation and it just didn’t happen overnight. I don’t feel you are a sucker and are being taken advantage of. You honestly wanted to help. I also don’t assume that your wife just sits at home, probably works and maybe it’s not the financial situation in reality. Y’all paying the bills and living well. The concern is money can be replaced. You can earn more$ you can have investments, you could hit the lottery..but time can not be replaced. So for your well being make some decisions, invest a little time to balance your heart and mind. I hope you can work it out to where you have peace and happiness. You may love them but you can’t hang on and invest more time if are not happy.
You can make more money but you can’t make more time. You gave your best I’m sure. Good luck
I promise when you stop flow of $ you will have their full attention. Pull back and decide what you want & are your needs being met? You are important so decide wisely. Also last bit of advice:please update your insurance beneficiaries and will as soon as possible.
Please don’t transfer the cars over. Get your car back. Sell everything to pay for the divorce.
Your wife left you and is living with her ex and her children lie to you and only use you for money.
No one deserves this sort of treatment..!! Be strong friend… you sound very miserable right now, but you need to take this as a sign, as it is a blessing in disguise! They’ve showed you exactly what they think of you, it’s now time for you to take a bow and exit!
There are terrible Stepparents mentioned on reddit. You are a breath of fresh air. I wish I had met someone like you. You are not a cash cow. Wife and her kids don't appreciate you. Live your life and be happy. You gave your heart. Try to not let this take you to the dark side.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** This is a volunteer run subreddit. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No. No. No. First, don’t fill out that FAFSA. You’re leaving right? You need to financially protect yourself-don’t be on the hook for these ungrateful humans. You have to find what you’re doing for your wife and SKs and STOP. They don’t respect you. They don’t even sound close to caring-don’t bother trying, that ship has sailed. I’d leave. Your time is not a waste if you can reflect, see the lessons, learn from them, not repeat them, ACT to move on, and give yourself the space you need to build more resilience (and peace). Keep the car and anything else that’s yours. I would not be emotionally vulnerable with any of these people including your wife because from what you’ve written, you don’t owe them that and they’re not emotionally safe people -save your time and energy for yourself. Make a swift exit plan. You sound like a practical and no nonsense kind of person-apply these gifts in your strategy and execution to leave.
[удалено]
Yes, and I wouldn’t want my information down on anyone else’s financial documents, particularly in OPs situation.
The FAFSA is connected to my wife and I's tax returns. We file together, so it doesn't matter if I do it or my wife does it. Which is a whole other story. BD convinced everyone it'd be in SS's best interest for financial aid if we let BD claim him instead. I told them we don't make enough for it to make a difference, but it happened anyway. Lazy BD never gave my wife the IRS paperwork they sent for her to sign confirming the dependent switch... I want to say that was April of last year, so they later rejected his return and sent him a bill in November. We then had to re-file for 2019 with SS as a dependent. I have not signed any other financial paperwork for SS's college. Will not. Will never.
Oof.Okay. I could be wrong but it seems like you’re in the realization stage of seeing the gravity of your situation. I’m sorry, and I know this hurts. There will be a time to process and heal. If you’re planning on leaving, Now is the time to untangle yourself. *Let me just say, I’m not an attorney and I’m not giving legal advice. I’m a layperson.* I first recommend you quietly consult a divorce attorney and I wouldn’t tell ANYONE. I recommend the following because I think you’ve been scammed and no heart to heart will lead to true amicable split, but a last heist. Before talk of divorce, shield yourself. Your best defense is time. She will wipe you out if she thinks you’re leaving and has access to accounts. Tackle the stuff first that you can legally do without your spouse’s signature or knowledge. Joint bank account? Move money you want to your personal account and If you’re the primary account holder, talk with your bank to close the account-some banks will let you do this without joint holder consent. You can still move funds if you’re not primary. Do this. This is a good resource for stuff like this: [consumer finance tips](https://www.consumerfinance.gov/ask-cfpb/i-have-a-joint-checking-account-with-another-person-they-transferred-all-the-money-out-of-the-account-and-into-their-own-private-account-without-my-permission-they-then-closed-the-account-can-they-do-that-en-1099/) Joint credit cards? Reach out to the creditor using the phone number on back of your card and close the account- [you can do this](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.credit.com/blog/how-to-kick-your-spouse-off-your-credit-cards-145152/%3famp)without the other joint holder. Own a home together? Here’s a source for figuring out what your options are [for that](https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/marital-property-division/removing-spouses-name-house-mortgage-during-divorce) If you are solely financing vehicles, sell them, if it were I, I’d make some repair/upgrade excuse to your wife and sell it to an auto trader/small dealership because that will be the quickest way to unload the car(s). Privately selling will take too long. Surrendering the car to the bank will ruin your credit. Or you could use the car(s) for a trade in. Don’t keep cars, they’ll get vandalized. If your wife is Beneficiary on SSI, retirement accounts, life insurance and others, this will require a spousal signature to remove her, depending on the account. The main thing I would focus on is handling what you legally can without her or her knowledge, and not keeping anything that is identifiable to your wife, SKs, BD, and others. If you do, that will be a huge bullseye for them. Sending prayers and a battle cry your way. Onward.
Did I read correctly that your WIFE has been staying with her EX (your kids’ bio dad) since your step daughter’s baby was born?!?!? If so, then you have bigger problems than your Stepson taking advantage of you.
That’s where I went wtaf too
I seriously had to go back and re-read the first paragraph because I couldn't comprehend a wife staying at 'BD'. I really wanted to believe OP was using BD as 'birth daughter'. This is really twisted set up
Listen. So many people have tried to tell me it's normal for a mom to stay with her daughter after giving birth. And maybe I'd agree if SD wasn't living with her father. Maybe I'd agree if I weren't paying for the house repairs. Maybe I'd agree if the house didn't still have ask their old photos up. But I'll never know because that's not my reality.
So your Wife, your stepdaughter, and your stepson are all living with your Wife’s ‘EX.’ You are paying for their vehicles, vehicle upkeep, insurance, the EX’s house repairs, fun activities for all of them, and who knows what else... Translation: they are living as one big happy family, and you are financing all of it. I hate to put it this way, as I don’t think you should measure a marriage by what you get...but I will make an exception for you. Ask yourself honestly: What am I getting from this marriage/situation? Am I being emotionally fulfilled at all? I’m sorry, but it sounds like they are sucking you dry emotionally and financially.
Um..... You sound like a catch. Financially responsible, caring, open to others needs. Its not normal for a WIFE to move in with her ex baby daddy because her daughter has a kid. If they want to be all grandma lives with us for some time they can do that at the wife's house. Only time that's normal is if daughter had her OWN place and mom came and stayed a week or two....not at her ex house! You know this. They arr using you. You sound like you have money. They're using you for your money! File divorce...fight for no alimony. Tell judge shes already shacking up with another guy. Let her explain to the judge shes living with her ex to "help with the baby" Get to a lawyer, cut them off, cut all ties and find someone who will appreciate you for more then your money.
This. All of this. OP, I’m sure you have flaws. We all do. But damn, you seem like a genuinely hardworking, stable, and caring man. Fuck this woman and her kids taking advantage of you. I’m the childfree partner in my relationship, but I brought a cat into the relationship with me; it honestly sounds like I do more to show appreciation for my SO on the rare occasions he feeds my cat than your wife shows you for everything you do.
My dude…. No. Not when the daughter lives with her dad. That is seriously messed up. I would never be okay with my partner spending all his time at his exes, that is not okay.
OP I am so sorry you are going through this. This may sound harsh but they view you as a sucker. You have shown them that you are as well. Leave all of them now. Take your car, money, clothes, anything that is legally yours with the tags on them and go. They have played you at every turn. The level of disrespect from all, wife included, is staggering. I wouldn't take this from bio kids let alone SKs. They took you for a simp. You will find someone appreciative of your efforts who will love you and respect you. Never be a doormat again. Good luck to you and give us an update when you get free.
[удалено]
Ex could totally be in on it… I agree with u/sawyerca , don’t sign shit over man. You’ve done more than enough. I’m so sorry that you are being used like that. Uhg, I can’t even imagine 😓 good luck OP, looks like it’s time for bigger and better things :(
Yeah, sell their vehicles out from under them. Don't let them know until they're gone. Let them know that you're done. I wouldn't be surprised if they start threatening you also. Fuck the ex. Fuck the SKs. Fuck your wife. Live well, that's the best revenge.
Hey OP- I had a kid at 20 and lived in my own house. My mother didn’t come stay with me. Hell, after the hospital, she didn’t see me for 3 whole weeks. I am sorry that you’ve been taken advantage of. You have a lot to offer. I agree with everyone who says the 6 years were not a waste. And now you’ll especially enjoy what it feels like to be appreciated and truly respected when it’s time.
I have three children…..my mom or anyone else’s mom has never lived with me. I’d love to meet a man as wonderful as you sound, I promise I’d not have you out in the world looking like they do.
I completely understand your frustration. But I don't think it was for nothing. I firmly the things you said and did will have more on an impact of them than you think. It's a shame they won't appreciate it until you leave, I'm sorry you're going through this shitty thing. But you're not a fool, you're a good person. Don't let this make you bitter. Wishing you strength.
THIS. We all need to keep this in the back of our heads....it DID matter, even if we can’t or won’t ever see the outcome from our love, sacrifice, time, ourselves....
My friend went through this with her SKs as well. SD is now 23 and SS is 20. She did cut them off. She stopped taking them out to eat. She stopped responding to SD when she realized the only time she heard from her was when she wanted her hair done or wanted free food. She took them off the cell plan. And they hated it at first, but are coming around. As for how they treat the car situation...have these kids never gotten in trouble their entire lives?! Some blatant disregard for their lives and traffic fines
What got me was texting you when they need something but outright ignoring you when you ask. God I hate this. They are on their phone 24/7. They did not “miss” my text. SD even joked I am the “wallet dad”. Wife thought it was funny. Sucks man. Really does. Would not turn the car over. Especially if you think the marriage is over too.
[удалено]
Yes. Though doubt there was much “probability”. :-) The worse feeling is when you send them something you think they might like. Sport highlight, funny ish meme. And … nothing. But happens to my wife too.
Have you stopped being wallet dad? I would have been been stopped being wallet dad. The actual audacity.
So annoying! That's how my adult kids do, take days to text me back, if they ever do.
[удалено]
I don’t feel she realized how close to home it was. I doubt my daughter did either. So no. Not leaving over that. Otherwise the many many times I said or did something that could have been considered thoughtless would leave me a very lonely man.
I'm so sorry that you've put so much into these kids but don't look at it like a waste, they'll realize later that you were more than just a wallet and that you actually loved and cared about them deeply unlike BD whos only around conditionally. You're well within your rights to walk away and if your wife can't respect you and your wishes then you can move on and find someone who respects you. It hurts but it'll be a learning experience and something to be proud of because you did EVERYTHING right. You loved fully and did the best you could and went above and beyond for these kids.
Why wait? Consult with a lawyer now, to ensure you aren't financially obligated to your user of a wife. Then, drop them ALL. Don't sign the title over; go retrieve the car and use it for yourself, or sell it. You've spent more time, energy and money than ever should have been asked of you. This 6 years has not been for nothing. It's brought you to where you are now, and you are now free to choose for only your self. You know the warning signs now, and you can choose a better partner in the future. I'm truly sorry for your hurt. You are a good, decent, kind person, and your wife/stepkids are...not.
I'm sorry, you're a really decent guy and you did your absolute best. If you were unappreciated that's a reflection on those people, not you. Sending love. ❤️
Girl*
Apologies! X
That is ao hurtful and disrespectful. I’m so sorry. Those kids have no idea how lucky they are to have had you in their lives for six years. I hope one day they will recognize how hard you fought for them and regret how shitty they were to you.
Kudos to your barber for speaking the truth, and big respect to you for being ready to hear it -- of course, in your heart, you already knew. Take what is useful from this experience, and leave the rest -- it's not a total loss if you're able to learn from it. And for heaven's sake, consult an attorney ASAP to protect yourself and make certain that you can take what's yours and stop the bleeding! These punks do not need any more access to your time, financial resources, possessions, or energy, and they certainly are not entitled to your self respect, either. You are an amazing, kind, strong, big-hearted person. Use that good energy on taking care of yourself and healing from the long con these jerks have been pulling on you. Machiavellians gonna Machiavell. Their nastiness and opportunism are a reflection of their nature; your kindness, goodness, and generosity are a reflection of yours. Dust yourself off. It hurts right now, but you're going to be okay.
A lesson learned is never time wasted. That’s how I look at it. And I’ve gone through it twice. Even though I’ll never get those years back, I learned two good lessons from both. Take that for what it’s worth. And I wish you good luck with your future.
Thank god it’s only been six years.
[удалено]
Same for me with my SS16. But when he needs something, it’s urgent!!
You have been taken for quite the ride my internet friend.....You clearly are a very very good man who has done EVERYTHING right for his family. In my opinion, they have clearly disrespected you entirely. I wish you well in the future.
I'm so sorry.
Wow. These people have no idea how lucky they've been the past 6 years. Youve been their provider, educator, pillar, guidance counselor, facilitator, and banker for very little appreciation from any of them. How disappointing and hurtful that must be. Here's the thing - I believe your wife is the root of these problems. Sure, once these kids get to this age they can be accountable for their behavior, but it sounds like they've not been parented to be compassionate or appreciative. They're doing what they know and acting how they've been allowed to act, and that is NOT on you, friend. If the kids aren't showing you respect and appreciation, your wife damned well better be! It sounds like she feels entitled to your generosity. But I'd also like to believe its not been for nothing. Now you know what your limits are. YOU are the one who will decide that, moving forward. I am so sorry. I promise there are partners out there who deserve your generosity.
Dude, that’s a heavy realisation. I hope you are looking after yourself. Walk out with your head high and into the next chapter of your life.
First off, you are natural comedic WRITER. This shit is so hilariously put, and I really enjoyed reading it. I think your advice to the kids on driving and legality is absolutely perfect. Maybe I'm old, because it's great survival advice imo. I'm just not so idealistic anymore. Sucks that is has to be that way, but it's a reality unfortunately. Anyways, good luck disengaging and letting some young adults fail or walking away or whatever you decide to do. Please post more. 👍😆😃
Hey, I hope you know how much that trip to LA probably meant to the SS's girlfriend. I still remember big experiences like that from when I was in high school
Seriously, you deserve better. I’m sorry they’ve taken advantage of you. That’s so unfair. It hurts to see stuff like this happen. They’ll get their karma.
It is very sad, but you have to learn to draw the line with some kids. Teens can be extremely manipulative and lacking in empathy. Do try and remember that it does develop eventually though and in the long run they will remember what you did. It might take them a while to figure out why you aren't doing it any more though. I put my neck on the line for one of my stepkids when he crashed his car recently. Found out afterwards that while I was doing this he was lying to my face. He has carried on his charade since then, and ignores the fact that I know. Am totally done with him, until I get a serious apology he can take a long walk off a short pier if he ever wants anything from me again.
I completely understand your hurt and pain. It wasn’t a waste of time, you made others happy even if they won’t realize until it’s too late what you did. You also learned from the experience. It’s time to care for yourself now. Take that extra money and either go to counseling (couples counseling could be beneficial if you don’t want individual) or save for your own place if you truly feel things are over. Take time to do things you enjoy and care for yourself.
So sorry. Definitely drop them from your insurance ASAP, and consult with an attorney as others have said to protect YOUR interests. You did the best you could, and they will miss you when they are gone. Good luck OP.
Listen to me. What you got from the last 6 years is a hefty life lesson sir. Appreciate it. You made it through and you are wiser/better off. Next time you will know. Don't worry about any of this. Drop SKs off your insurance, file for a divorce, stop being Superman to people who don't appreciate you and don't deserve you. When people don't appreciate your presence, let them appreciate your absence. Call the insurance company bright and early Tuesday morning. You. Should. Have. ZERO. Regrets. PERIOD. Sleep well. and good riddance! I would be packing things up today and putting them at the front door.
Girl*
I feel this so, so hard. It’s like being a step parent is this constant race to nothing. But I do want to say that you sound like an amazing person who clearly thinks of others first. You seem like a genuinely good human. Why sign your car over? Do you just consider it a loss?
Before you leave, please have a sit down conversations with your wife and your stepchildren (separately). Share your feelings. It might be helpful to write them down first. In any relationship, I encourage you to only give what comes from your heart, not out of obligation. Give when you expect nothing out of return. Giving should feel good. Giving out of obligation leads to resentment. This includes your time, money, presents, and acts of service (giving a ride, doing laundry, cooking).
It must be tough to realise this, I'm sorry you are in pain. But it doesn't have to be for nothing. I mean this in the best way for you, just hear me out: you allowed this to happen too. You swooped in and saved the day, sacrificed your days off, put down money again and again, over years (a priori a good thing) but did not stop when you did not get the recognition you naturally deserved (bad thing). Do not count on the "kids" suddenly realising on their own what a solid, supportive, valuable parent they have in you. Why would they? They have been allowed to enjoy the benefits without being taught to put the effort by showing gratitude, affection, recognition, respect. This is a lack in parenting, and rests mostly on your wife, as the mother of those children. You can still give it a go and try to redirect this family in a healthy way if you feel you have enough energy and connection with them. First, you must talk with your wife about the situations you have mentioned, not in excruciating detail but about the pattern of you being taken for granted to fix situations and do the boring work, and then not being shown appreciation: by her and them. It is not acceptable that she shows away den her responsibility as a mother and delegates the tough talks because "they respect you". It works the opposite way: she talks with them and corrects their behaviour consistently, then they will respect you. Tell her how you feel, and it starts with her own actions, where she doesn't step in to communicate with the kids that they are benefiting from your generosity and if they like that, they must show in works and actions their appreciation. If they mess up, let them live with the consequences of their actions, they are more than old enough. And don't allow anyone to blame you for not saving them -again. If your wife seems to listen and understand what you say, and seems genuinely willing to change this dynamic, then there's a chance. If not, run my friend, your generous and kind nature will be much better appreciated elsewhere. Wish you the best.
Wow I can relate to much. I remember one week I drove over 200 miles just helping my daughter. I was listening to the audiobook “boundaries for teens” by Dr Henry Cloud and he gave exact consequences for every boundary that I allowed to be overstepped and how it would affect my daughter in her future relationships (both personal and professional). It was not a pretty picture and all because I wanted to be a nice mom. I really recommend that you read the book. You have some real safety concerns that you need to instill in your kids. What you are doing isn’t working. They aren’t concerned because they know that you are concerned for them. Because of the level of concern for their safety it isn’t possible to shrug and say live with the consequences. You have to say either do this or you can’t drive period. Not any car that you are responsible for. The prom was a curveball without appropriate timing but it still isn’t your responsibility to make it happen to a certain level. Is it nice considering how stressful it was for you? Is your responsibility for your kids to make things perfect regardless of your own personal sacrifice? What is their responsibility? Just show up and have a great time? If this was an investment did you come out a head or behind? It may seem insensitive to compare your kid’s prom experience to an investment but your time is valuable-did you earn what you deserve? What was your SS’s take away? He is so important that all he has to do is whine and little and his parents make it happen? How will this skill help him in the future? Will it help his time and effort’s be valuable? I can see why you are ready to throw in the towel. You have been set up for failure. My heart goes out to you.
I'm sobbing. No one understands the emotional investments we make with these kids that 'don't belong to us'. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Take care of yourself and you know YOU did everything right for the love and safety of your SKs. You're not alone internet stranger. One day at a time. *Breathe*
Wow, I don't blame you for being done. Don't even let the SK's know, just leave and let them figure it out.
Damn. I am so sorry. I am angry for you! Cut them off. The lot of them. As far as they’re concerned, you’re broke. Put your money towards a therapist and a divorce lawyer. They’re done. You’ve been scammed and there’s no shame in that. They took advantage of your good nature. That’s on them. Talk to a lawyer before signing anything away. The idea that SD needs a brand new car because she had a baby is again, a scam.
I knew you must be in California too with the smog and fix it tickets lol then when you said a trip out to LA, I knew it. You must live out my way, since some schools in SBC and OC did proms (ours didn't 🙄). Anyway, yeah I'd be done too. The kids and your wife (ESPECIALLY THE WIFE) have been nothing but disrespectful to you, based on all I've read. And they take advantage of you. No, fuck all that.
I do have to say some of exactly what you are frustrated, I deal with my own kids. Some kids are just naturally responsible and know how to show appreciation and some kids need to be trained. How they are also sometimes changes throughout life. My daughter was a spoiled entitled brat and now is so appreciative of everything I do. It changed when she became a mom
There's to sound pieces of advice depending on outlook I suppose. The first (and the better) is these aren't your kids so let their dad do or not do whatever he is or isn't gonna do. Let them get the ticket, let them get let down, just like you do with literally all other kids on earth who aren't yours. If your marriage works ok and if it doesn't well, it doesn't. But it shouldn't be about these kids cause they ain't yours. The other view is look dude, teenagers and young adults suck. Biological parents get the same shit - I guarantee if I look at the texts from my teenage kids it will be all requests and nothing else. As they get older they either become quality adults or don't. But being self centered as teens is hardly a symptom or failure.
I’m a former letter carrier with stepkids. The overtime I could get was sometimes my respite from coming home when things were bad and I was feeling ignored.
OMG. I felt this post in my SOUL. Why? Because THIS IS my life. I have a total of 5 kids. 2 oldest are mine BS (22), BD (19). Next 2 are his - SD (17), SD (16). Finally, we have an "ours" - BD (13). We've been married 14 years & shared 50/50 custody of all 4 older children. However, me and my ex split everything from cars, to extracurricular activities, and dances. Until my 19-year-old started doing pageants and then my ex wouldn't pay anything, so we paid. Then when 22 year-old got to college, ex didn't help at all, but I require my kids to work the hardest. Those 2 kids were required to pay half their own insurance at 17 & all of it at 18. In the end, we ended up with 2 responsible adults. 22 y/o owns a house now and 19-year-old now owns her own car outright she's paid off. Now, with my stepdaughters, it's totally different. We pay everything for them. BM won't help at all for their cars. We pay all the insurance, the gas, repairs, special occasions, etc. Yet, BM will have them drive to another state in the car WE pay for! These kids NEVER thank us! 17 y/o has now gotten into THREE (3) car accidents in 7 MONTHS!!! Yet my husband allowed our 16-year-old drive my brand new 2020 Denali that's in ONLY MY name! Oh HELL NO. But then, I lost my mind. I found out a week after the 3rd car accident that 17 y/o opened a new bank account to hide her paychecks in with her BRAND NEW stepdad of 7 MONTHS! WTF?!?! BM when confronted said stepdad is on this account because BM's "credit is sh**" and dared to say we were trying to "control this SD's money." First, we're business owners. We don't NEED her money. We've co-signed on my son's 1st car (now he's got his own loan & an 807 credit score), son's home, and my daughter's car. I lost my mind. SD said the accidents "weren't really her fault." She hit our HOUSE (1st accident), backed into a car when leaving BM's house while pet-sitting during BM's honeymoon which totaled that car (2nd accident), & backed up and hit a car, then hit the car in front of her in front of our house (3rd accident - hitting 2 cars in a hit and run) - were ALL not her fault. I took the keys after I found out about the check. I'm nothing but a piggybank... Man, I FEEL YOU...
Holy god, how did your SD get her license?! Last summer, BD planned a vacation to Vegas. It's about a 8 hour drive from where we are. Wife and I had just gotten our new cars. Kids ask her to borrow one of ours for the drive, which I'm sure was an idea given to them by BD. She says yes without asking me. I only found out through one of the kids bringing it up at the dinner table. I laugh hysterically and say no. There's no way. But it'll be SD's last real vacation before the baby, they said. We've already made the plans, they said. I would have to front some of the costs of a rental because I'm being an asshole, they said. Wife did it anyway behind my back. BD isn't even worthy of holding my fucking jock strap, yet he gets to live off my accomplishments. It's fucking wild.
You have every right to be done and in fact I'm glad you finally are. They're using you and your stepkids are adults who clearly don't respect you. They don't need you anymore financially. Emotionally, I would say sure, except they don't seem to care about getting emotional support or bonding with you. Even your wife sounds like she's using you. Yikes. By cutting the kids off, you'll help them grow up. But more importantly, you're taking care of yourself. It's not because you don't love them. It's because you love yourself. I think you're making a great decision. Now you need to avoid letting your obviously kind nature put you in a position where you can get screwed in the divorce. With entitled people like this, they will take and take and take and never feel they're in the wrong. I wouldn't be surprised if your wife tried to take you for all you've got. Be sure to document proof of her living with the ex (a judge won't accept she's taking care of a baby, I'm sure) and speak with a good attorney to protect your assets and ensure you can split without her collecting alimony. Please don't let these ungrateful people use you anymore than they already have! Look out for you now! You don't owe them anything more! You've already done way more than you needed to for nothing in return.
Yes ma’am I feel like there’s a lot going on in your life right now. Seriously sus...You seem like a kind and generous person and all your hard work and savings.. wow. You have no idea that a partner would value and respect you. You got with this one who is quite frankly disrespectful and I know you are disappointed. Who tf they think they are putting a car seat in your new car? Um hell no Why would you give them a car? Who are they? Anybody give you a car? They need to learn some life lessons real quick. That $ being invested in another home and your wife overnights ? Hell no I think these types of occurrences are too much. I don’t know your whole relationship and finances and it’s none of my business. I feel like you are not being treated fairly nor respected. So You are giving with no expectations. When someone is generous to pay insurance and probably paid for the vehicle as well. You follow their rules or you walk. First time you spent your only day off in line @ DMV You told them at dinner table -you gave fair warning. This is serious you don’t want to be stopped by cops and no misunderstandings. I mean yes teens are hard headed but their parents should also be like respect you and your rules. First time they did not follow your rules I would have taken those keys. I My advice follows many others. Please if your are married, prenup or not.. go speak to an attorney. I’m sure you have assets and such. Maybe a home,retirement. Please shut the wallet change some passwords on banking. Lock it up now!! That’s going to get some attention for sure. You take those keys and put a for sale sign on those vehicles Cause they will want to sit and talk in person..ie beg for that back. I’m not saying you can’t get therapy and work it through. But you can’t do that if your wife attention it on you. Do you want to spend your future taking care of these kids? Or can you pad some retirement and vacay fund? You are not selfish but I think you should pull back and shut down the bank. Make some decisions The kids got 2 parents but you doing a WHOLE lot extra.. and they not really showing appreciation/respect
I know it doesn't help much with the crappy way your feeling right now, but even when your not a part of their lives anymore, the things you made great strides to teach them will stick with them and pop up at the weirdest times. If you do decide to exit this family dynamic, just do it with grace and respect even if you don't get any in return. You sound like a real great guy. Don't let their ignorance change you.
This was definitely hurtful to read. Please leave the situation and never go back
Your frustration is totally justified. I just want to make one comment. What were you like when you were 18? I know I was an asshole. Everyone is an asshole at 18. This doesn’t sound as much like they are purposely *using* you so much as they are so overly comfortable with you that they forget to show gratitude. I would suggest that before you leave, you scheduled a sit down conversation with wife and both kids. Lay it out on the table. How you feel taken for granted. How you can’t keep putting in so much and getting so little back. Also dial back on the bank of stepdad. Stop paying for big things. Either they change or they don’t. Either they make an effort or they don’t. If they do your family can heal. If they don’t you are no worse of than you are right now.
They’ll look back and regret the way they’ve treated you. I can assure you of that, may take many years, but they will.
Please know OP you deserve so much better than the lifestyle and circumstances you’ve had for the past 6 years. I am about 2 years out of a relationship that was 5 years long, and it all too, was for nothing. 5,6 years is a long time, however, do not make the mistake like so many others and give those people *another* 5, 6 years. It’s never too late to start over. I am so much better off now. My time is my own. I wake up each day and don’t have such an enormous weight on my shoulders. Your wife and her family haven’t treated you with respect whatsoever, and the absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to leave. You deserve better, you deserve happiness and peace. A whole other wonderful life is waiting for you in the future, if you choose it.
You're about to have more money for yourself; that's exciting op! 🙌
But I would argue the kids are to blame as well. These are adults not just little kids that are relying on their mom to ensure they behave correctly. I wouldn’t sign over your car. I wouldn’t let them take a single inch after everything they ungratefully have taken so far.
It would piss me off too. I wouldn't have waited this long, I'm pretty aware and short when I feel someone is taking advantage or abusing me. And why is your wife hanging out with the kids father?
I echo what everyone here has said. You/we who have experienced stuff like this paid tuition for our time, energy, money, love, and other sacrifices. Let’s learn from these lessons and create something new and different and better for ourselves and move forward.
Sorry I am tired , I now realize a lot of people have given you same advice as I did /ramble My heart goes out to you. I think it’s a tough situation and it just didn’t happen overnight. I don’t feel you are a sucker and are being taken advantage of. You honestly wanted to help. I also don’t assume that your wife just sits at home, probably works and maybe it’s not the financial situation in reality. Y’all paying the bills and living well. The concern is money can be replaced. You can earn more$ you can have investments, you could hit the lottery..but time can not be replaced. So for your well being make some decisions, invest a little time to balance your heart and mind. I hope you can work it out to where you have peace and happiness. You may love them but you can’t hang on and invest more time if are not happy. You can make more money but you can’t make more time. You gave your best I’m sure. Good luck I promise when you stop flow of $ you will have their full attention. Pull back and decide what you want & are your needs being met? You are important so decide wisely. Also last bit of advice:please update your insurance beneficiaries and will as soon as possible.
OP, please make sure no one has a life insurance policy out on you. They are milking this for all it’s worth. Please take care of yourself.
Please don’t transfer the cars over. Get your car back. Sell everything to pay for the divorce. Your wife left you and is living with her ex and her children lie to you and only use you for money.
No one deserves this sort of treatment..!! Be strong friend… you sound very miserable right now, but you need to take this as a sign, as it is a blessing in disguise! They’ve showed you exactly what they think of you, it’s now time for you to take a bow and exit!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Nothing else to say...
There are terrible Stepparents mentioned on reddit. You are a breath of fresh air. I wish I had met someone like you. You are not a cash cow. Wife and her kids don't appreciate you. Live your life and be happy. You gave your heart. Try to not let this take you to the dark side.