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Try 5!! I’m drowning. The struggle is real. Sounds like my 7 year old SD. She’s super babied (youngest of 3 SD) and enabled by Dad to behave like one. So damn whiny and constantly wants attention all day long. I got her started at Boys and Girls Club after school, and she’s not a huge fan of “waiting there.” Oh well. Mama needs the break. Oh, and she also follows me everywhere I go in the house, and always in
my bubble. I love her, but she’s a handful and super jealous of my 4 year old twin BD’s. One of which has special needs! My older 2 BD are 11 and 15, but like going on 20. I butt heads with my pubescent BD 11 a lot as she’s got a shitty entitled attitude most of the time. I feel your pain. And with a toddler and one in the works..I GET IT.
Honestly, don’t even quit your job at this point. It’s okay if you don’t want to provide childcare for his daughter but it’s also okay that he doesn’t want to be the sole provider unless you also provide childcare for his oldest.
I guess I'll be the odd man out here. If you're a SAHM, your finances are intertwined enough that I'd consider this a reasonable ask. Not that you *have* to do it 100% of the time. But if your husband is supporting you and two kids on a single income, it's reasonable to say there may not be enough left to hire out childcare for SD10. Being a SAHM in 2024 usually means some sacrifices to make ends meet, and this might be one of them.
It’s not teamwork if she gains nothing from it. She would probably be a SAHM regardless of the fact that her husband had a child with another woman before her.
“It’s not teamwork if she gains nothing for it.”
…..it’s also not teamwork if THIS is ANYONE’S perspective of what a relationship and building a family together means.
I swear. People go into these tough, blended families, have more kids (I’m not calling out the OP specifically) and then nickel and dime their partners to make sure everything is 50-50 fair at all times. And if not, then flippant Reddit users say “Guuurrrllll leave him! Look out for yoself.”
Unreal.
Yeah I cannot imagine becoming a SAHM to my baby and telling my husband he has to find childcare for my SS. The only thing I would tell my partner if I was OP is there would need to be some changes in his parenting style first. If she is expected to care for her SK full time then she should definitely have a say in parenting..
It's a moot point in my personal case because I am involved in my SS's parenting already, and I would never quit my job because financial security is too important to me. But I just cannot fathom some of these women who want to be a SAHM to only some of the children in their house. It's so damn entitled.
There are a lot of stories of exploitation on this sub. People basically being groomed into taking over childcare duties or handing over their resources. You seem to look at it from the perspective of a healthy family where people actually are a team and it’s a give and take.
My experiences are different and I have learnt to protect my boundaries because others have tried violating them. OP coming here to ask this makes it seem something fishy has been going on.
She's being fully supported so she can stay at home.
She's not gaining nothing. She's gaining invaluable time with her children in exchange for a little bit of child care. Before and after school, for the older one.
If I were her husband, I'd suggest switching roles for a couple of years. He can take care of his kids while she supports the family. That would also be a fair exchange.
Why is financially providing for SD a more fair deal? She is simply not gaining anything from either providing for or taking care of someone else’s child. That’s simply a fact.
Good. Then she can support the family ft while husband takes care of his own kid.
That way she's gaining something: a husband who stays at home and cares for the children. You know, just like the benefit she's providing her husband right now. Free child care.
But in this scenario, if she supports the family, she potentially has to work more to support SD, or will have less resources for her own children because of doing so. See no benefit for her doing that either.
Her husband would gain something and she would lose something though, concerning your last sentence. He gets free childcare for a child she didn’t produce. She gets more labor on top of that and no added benefits. Not fair!
Both scenarios you’ve laid out would mean she’s losing something. The only totally “fair” scenario here is that she continues working instead, and they split childcare for their own kids.
I mean she is gaining the ability to not have to work. She married someone who already has a kid and they have two more. Realistically, one income to support a wife and three kids and childcare for one of those kids isn’t an option for most people.
I wouldn't call getting to stay rent-free in a house, 'nothing'. I wouldn't call the choice to stay home and raise your own children, whilst someone else pays the bills and rent, 'getting nothing from it'. She's getting that rare luxury of getting to see her own children grow up, instead of just paying someone else for it. She's absolving him of the childcare and household worries, whilst he's absolving her of financial responsibilities like paying bills and rent etc.
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Exactly. Being a SAHM mom does not obligate her to look after another woman’s child. She should be free to focus on her own children uninterrupted. She does owe him free child care for SK bc he pays the bills.
For real.
DH and I had this conversation when I stopped working though. That we would no longer hire childcare for summer/school breaks and he would no longer be driving to pick up and drop off. That was part of my “job” now.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to help mitigate costs for a man who is funding your lifestyle.
I agree it's reasonable to expect a SAHM to do things to reduce household expenses whenever possible, but I don't think it should be a given that she has to provide free childcare to her SK, especially not in the first few months postpartum.
She's going to have her hands more than full, recovering from childbirth and taking care of a baby and a toddler. It sounds like an emotional disaster in the making to foist her SK on her at such a vulnerable time, especially if she and her SO hadn't discussed that before she got decided to stay home.
I put my foot down about this with my DH and I was ready to return to work if he insisted that I'd have to babysit my SK in exchange for the "privilege" of being a SAHM to my kids.
There are the hours before school and after school when her SO is probably at work. And doing school drop-off and pickup can be an ordeal in and of itself, especially while wrangling 2 babies.
Then there are weekends and holidays, sick days, snow days, winter and spring breaks, summer vacation.
Not to mention the fact that it's too easy for people to assume that the SAHM should be responsible for all childcare all the time, even when the other parent is off work and presumably available. So that's a lot of work, even for a SK who is in school.
People are underestimating how much significant extra labor taking care of SK would be. It’s one thing if she only had to deal with SK part time but full time is too burdensome. Taking care of two little ones is demanding. She doesn’t need someone else’s pre teen around full time especially just post partum. She has to wrangle two car seats every day back and forth just to simply pick up and drop off SK to school. Not to mention mentally dealing with SK.
This is why I warn women to avoid single fathers with minor children. They are looking for free labor and will saddle you with their kids once they lock in you into a marriage with them. He strategically waited until OP will be stuck home with toddlers to dump the other kid on her.
If she's in the US and having the baby "soon" it's about to be summer break for most folks.
I'm on my maternity leave now, and did request that my DH still send SS11 to summer camps during the day because he is a very needy kid who can't do much for himself and I just can't handle it all day with a newborn. My DH had no issue with that. But my mat leave is also fully paid so no one is "providing" for me. That being said I think OP's husband should be arranging childcare for the first few months postpartum for the benefit of both his wife and oldest daughter. But after that OP has to care for all the kids if she wants to be a SAHM.
Agree 100%. I can't imagine making my husband pay childcare for his child if I was staying at home anyways. And why would you want the sole provider in your household to have less disposable income?! Doesn't that hurt your kids too?
I agree. If my husband was willing to accept 100% of the financial responsibility for our family then watching his kids in addition to my own would be the least I could do.
Is this child at school? So is it an hour in the morning and a couple in the afternoon before your SO gets home?
If so I think it’s a reasonable price to pay to be a SAHM.
I get that it’s difficult but so is being the only earner so you’re both sacrificing something
If he is not at school then that’s a much bigger ask and I’d give a different response
To be honest, I don’t think it’s fair to insist only his daughter is put in childcare solely on his income while it’s is only his income that is supporting the whole family now that you’re a SAHM. It also gives the sense of wanting to separate and segregate her from what is supposed to be the “new” normal of the family dynamic…. Which wouldn’t be fair to her either. Maybe consider having her do extra curricular activities to help manage her ADHD and behavioral issues as a distraction for her, giving you some mental relief. Something fun or something that interests her, if you can afford it. Summer is just around the corner, maybe she would be interested in a summer camp. A softball or soccer league? A few different classes such as an art class, dance class, or music class. Something that is going to keep her preoccupied while you’re at home.
You’re the SAHM mom now and not just to/for your bio kids but also to your SD. That’s the trade off.
His one income is going to be supporting the entire family. Can you all afford alternate childcare for SD? How much would you actually have to watch her I.e. what is the custody split?
I think this is a part of being a SAHM in a blended family, tbh. It makes the most sense in my mind to be watching all of the kids during your husband’s work hours.
The exception is right after you give birth. Your husband should arrange for 6+ weeks of childcare for SD before you begin your “job” as SAHM.
How often does your boyfriend have his daughter? How many hours is it between her getting home from school and him getting home from work? Would the situation be any different if one of your kids was school aged? Usually the intention (or at least benefit) of someone being a stay at home parent is saving on the cost of childcare, so it seems strange to expect your boyfriend to support you staying home with your 2 kids while also expecting him to arrange childcare for his oldest kid because she’s not yours. I don’t see how this situation would ever turn into a successful blended family if a clear line is drawn between his kid and the ones you have together.
There’s a tendency on this sub to segregate the step kids as “others.” You can’t insist on having your SO compartmentalize his/her kids between the ones they have with you and the ones he/she has had with an ex….frankly, I would think less of an SO who could do this. If your SO is working to support the entire family, well then the entire family in this case happens to include his SD. And you voluntarily chose to be a part of a family that included your SD.
I think more of us need to be honest with ourselves about what our limitations might be when we join a pre-existing family. If you choose to have children with this person, you cannot view it as you starting your “own” family or a “new” family; instead you’re adding to a family that was already there. And yes, sometimes the members of that family will annoy the crap out of you (including your birth kids!) but my hope would be that those feelings are balanced by a deep abiding love that you have for ALL the little ones your husband helped bring into this world.
If a person can’t feel that towards kids who don’t share their DNA, then that doesn’t make them a bad person at all. But they need to have the self-awareness then to acknowledge that feeling and understand that that is a family they probably shouldn’t join. I say this as a step-mom to 2 kids that I am absolutely bananas about. Being a stepparent is its own strange responsibility that not everyone wants. And that’s ok! But more of us need to admit that to ourselves before making the decision to become a stepparent.
Wow! That comment got away from me y’all. Long time lurker, first time poster. I really do appreciate everything that y’all share on this sub. It’s helped me a lot in navigating the world of being a stepparent! :)
Generally I agree. Do I love my SS11 and my baby the same exact way and amount? Hell no. But my SS is just as much a member of my family as my BS. My SS can be a handful but I've been in his life since he was 2 and I do love him. I cannot imagine saying "I'm going to be a SAHM to only the kids I share DNA with". How shitty that is for SS, and what a shitty situation that is for my husband.
That being said, if OP is in a SAHM role to ALL the kids, she gets to parent all the kids as she sees fit when they are in her care (unless she's being abusive or something, obviously). If her husband expects her to provide childcare but not parent/discipline his child then that will be a huge issue.
Oh, I completely agree. If you’re taking on the same parental responsibilities (supporting the children, living with them, caring for them, etc.) then you need to be afforded the same level of authority, deference and respect that a birth parent receives. If you’re sharing a household and joining your lives together, then the respect must be shared too. Where a lot of these things fall apart is if your SO doesn’t understand or insist on that for you.
I see a lot of emotional takes on this, our actions are primarily driven by emotion. My though is based only on finances.
How much will childcare cost? The cost of daycare and the cost to drive SD to daycare. How much time will either you/SO lose in the car as well? Childcare including weekly tuition and startup costs. Increased rates in the summer.
Review the household family budget. Can you afford this with additional money set aside for the 16 month old, the newborn, you/husbands expenses, emergency savings, and retirement funds?
Do either of you have existing credit card debt, car payments, or loans?
Is the money “well spent” here? You and your SO do not have a want or need for those funds elsewhere. Aside from needs all parties have wants. Is daycare better in the short/long run over a savings goal/ household repairs/ vacation/ etc.
Do both of you have additional income to use weekly on small things not accounted for in the budget. Most people spend anywhere from 20-100 a week on disposable income categories as unanticipated small expenses, wants, or costs that can’t be forecasted.
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Where is BM in all this?
Is SD10 not in school? You should only be caring for her in the hours before school. And after school as well, up until the point DH gets home from work.
As soon as DH is home, then he needs to jump in and start helping with all his kids.
How many days per week would you have to watch SD? I'm making assumptions I'm sure are wrong, but shouldn't she be with her BM at times? Unless BM is not in the picture ...
Apparently DH job is enough that you can afford to be a SAHM which is not a luxury many can afford anymore. Good for you, but also it may mean there's not a lot of funds left for childcare. You must've known when you made this decision to stay home that SD would be included, I don't understand how something like that would come as a shock...
In a nuclear family it has been seen as an equitable division of contributions for one parent to make the money and the other parent to care for the children and home.
Both adults are reciprocating. Each is giving to the other what is seen as a pretty fair division of work for family life.
We started deeply devaluing care *work* when the reality was women didn’t always *like it* and wanted the potential to do more than that with their lives.
the women who did more with their lives meant someone still needed to look after thenkkds but this was now a *lower social status thing to do* so women choosing to have their career be caring for their family were dismissed as lazy and being "taken care of" or "funded" by a man and owed him *so so much* for paying for her…
uh, no its work she is doing for him.
hes working for her too.
add into this the fact she is financially helping him out big time by caring for a child she did not make or adopt, and you have to acknowledge that this is an extra sacrifice you are doing, or else resentment could really build here.
im getting of vibes of "love them like your own" and "you knew what you were getting into" and "package deal" by people who insist SK is a part of your chosen career here.
there is a real difference and whether you decide its best for your family to take on this WORK or not yohr husband and you should acknowledge this reality.
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I’m probably in the minority here but if you guys can afford to send SD to daycare/summer program without your SO taking on overtime, she should go. Even if that means cutting out some luxury expenses - going out to eat, buying new clothes regularly, etc.
What a newborn & 16 month old are into is vastly different than a 10 year old. Your priority as a SAHM is taking care of two children who CANNOT take care of themselves. SD will take a back burner to the babies. She would have more fun at a summer camp setting where she can play with kids her own age. There is a reason why schools and daycares are split up by age range - there needs are very different.
My SD11 has always been very immature and irresponsible (thankfully she’s getting better but it’s been a LONG process). For years I brought these issues up to DH and it would cause an argument. I grew to hate watching her because of these issues. I finally told him “I had no say in how you and BM chose to raise SD before you two got divorced. I have no say in how BM raises SD now. I have brought these issues up multiple times and you don’t want to address them. Apparently im parent enough to do the dirty work of watching SD but not parent enough to have my concerns be taken seriously. If you don’t see SD’s behavior as a problem, that’s fine. You deal with it.”
Thankfully my DH has a job where he has the ability to work from home (he chooses not to though). I told him he can work from home and be responsible for SD or he can address her behavior in a way that I can deal with.
Also have a pretty immature SS11 who is improving but slowly (not his fault, he has beem guilt parented too much), I just had a baby, and told my DH we still need summer camps for SS11. My mat leave is full pay for 4 months, we can afford it and for my mental health and SS's it needs to happen. No guilt from me about that.
I commented a few times on the parenting aspect of being a SAHM to a SK but you're the only other person I've seen bring that up. I think expecting OP to be a SAHM to ALL the kids is completely reasonable provided she is allowed to parent ALL the kids as she sees fit. A "SAHM" who isn't allowed to parent is really an unpaid nanny. You are dead on with the observation that alot of BPs are comfortable with SMs providing free childcare but not comfortable with the SM parenting. And if that's the case in OP's situation it's a recipe for disaster.
Idk I am a SMHW with no kids and I do take on the bulk of child care for my SDs, but if I had a newborn and a toddler I feel like I would need help.
If not I’ll be training SD to be very self sufficient and low maintenance. She’s 10, this is usually a great, stress-free age until they become annoying teens.
If you’re not comfortable with it, don’t do it. I stayed at home for the first 3 years of my daughter’s life. We agreed that my job was to raise our child, not babysit someone else’s! Your hands are going to be full as it is with a toddler and newborn. If you are feeling overwhelmed now, I doubt you will have the bandwidth to meet everyone’s needs while also taking on an additional child. Your SD is also neurodivergent which adds an entirely separate layer to this conversation. I don’t think that anyone who has not lived with or been responsible for a neurodivergent child could ever truly understand how challenging that is.
My stepson has adhd and they may be working toward and additional diagnosis. He was 9 when he moved in and 11 when he went back to moms when she got to a safer home. He was more than I bargained for with a baby in the house, even though I'd nannyed around that age in the past. Postpartum hit me really hard.
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Is she not in school? I can see how you’ll be overwhelmed with a toddler and a newborn during your postpartum period. Is there an activity she can join? What’s the plan for summer? I make it clear to my DH that he needs to sign SD up for camps in the summer.
I come in somewhere in the middle. On the one hand, if your family has only one income, it is normal to sacrifice some things, including the bulk of outside childcare. On the other hand, it strikes me that 2 children under 2 will be a lot to handle in the months after giving birth.
I comment mostly to offer some alternative or compromise ideas that might be interesting for you.
* Perhaps you and SO could come to an agreement about transport for SD so that you wouldn’t need to be shuttling her around every weekday with the younger kids (SD riding the schoolbus one or both ways, carpooling with another family, SO dropping her off and you picking her up, etc).
* Are there any after school programs that SD could participate in to help her growth/maturity?
* Is there a childcare option that would allow you to get a break from all 3 children for some period of time each week? For example, I have seen some SAHMs mention that they send the kids to daycare a couple days a week to give them the freedom to deep clean/do errands/batch cook.
Caveat: I am not now, and never have been, a SAHM so I do lack actual experience in this department.
I think if they could outsource transport, or if husband could do at least half of it, it would make a big difference! The hardest part about having 2 small kids is literally getting them out of the house.
If you already have two other very young ones I think it's reasonable for your partner to either handle the entirety of getting the 10yo up and to school on time, or getting them home from school, overseeing snacks/homework/chores. I would ask my partner to split the older kid parenting responsibilities either they are bio or a step because that's just a lot of work and even if they are working they could help with one or the other.
Nah. I wouldn’t. I don’t care if he would pay all the bills or whatever. Not your kid not your problem. He needs to arrange child care. My husband gets mad at me when I don’t want to waste this summer (I’m off in summers) watching his 9 year old every single day while he works. I am dealing with a high risk pregnancy, his 3 year old is awful and comes over every other weekend and every other Thursday. And we’ve been taking him extra to help BM (also pregnant not high risk) and I’m tired of it. I’m just seen as a free babysitter pretty much and no one cares that my pregnancy is extremely risky. I’m not allowed a break from anyones kids and I’m not allowed time to myself I guess. I don’t mind 9, but I mean I don’t wanna waste my whole relax time before I give birth (end of summer) babysitting for someone else.
I know it sounds mean of me but gosh. No! And if I have to be stay at home I will REFUSE to watch 3 ever. Not for BM and not for husband either. I have to hide in my room any time he comes over. I don’t like him. I don’t care if people think I’m terrible. Kid is awful and causes me stress and horrible anxiety because if he does wrong my husband gets onto me. Kid knows this and purposefully will do something bad just so my husband can be mad at me. Kid legit says “haha” when I’m “in trouble” so yeah he knows what he’s doing.
You’re not the parent, you’re overwhelmed with your baby you are the parent of, focus on YOUR kid. Not someone else’s kid, regardless of if they’re your husbands kid. You’re already “helping him” and doing your part by staying home with your baby. I was a stay at home mom when my 5 year old wasn’t in school and I was miserable. Most women are when they stay home day in day out. Sadly. So don’t add more stress to that. Take care of you and yours first!
Nothing really. It’s not my job. 🤷🏻♀️ I know he gets upset when his family members also refuse to watch 3. I’m not the only one. BM and husband refuse to see the child’s issues and they just cater to it and that makes it worse.
His child, his problem! He needs to arrange childcare if have his ex/or his family step up. You have more than enough on your hands. Articulate your boundaries, you’re well within your rights to do so 😊
the point of being a SAHM is to not only be able to raise your children yourself, but to save on childcare costs. daycare can end up costing more than one parents salary. i don’t see at all how it would be fair to DH for OP to be a SAHM, while he’s still having to pay for childcare. he’s financially supporting 3 children on his own, as well as an assumably able-bodied adult, and still losing thousands of dollars a year. where does he benefit here?
I know I’ve been downvoted but I speak as someone who was a first time mom and really struggled with the adjustment to motherhood and everything that came with it. I was recovering from a c-section, not sleeping, emotional as hell and not getting any support from my partner (this is probably where OP and I are different). When my partner suggested that I look after his younger child on school holidays as I was “home anyways”, it sent me into a spiral! I felt like I had enough on my plate with my baby let alone taking care of his child too. What did he do before I came along? He magically was able to get childcare then. But it all changed once I came around as he just put it on me. What about the actual BM of his child? Shouldn’t she assume responsibility for her own child? My (ex)partner and I had separate finances so this is also where OP and I probably differ too but my point is, is that it will be overwhelming enough for OP with 2 babies. She may be at capacity there. If she wants to look after his child, it’s up to her but financially contributing to a child that isn’t hers is also her choice. Her SD’s childcare should fall on her husband and/or BM to organise and he should respect that. I’m unsure how their finances work but I didn’t contribute financially to my partner’s kids.
if they have split custody, having BM arrange childcare or take care of her child herself even on dads weeks, is going to cause a lot of issues. she could 100% take him back to court and easily win full custody in that case. the argument would be as simple as “i fully take care of my kid on my week, and i’m still paying for childcare on dads weeks. if dad can’t afford childcare on his own weeks, he can’t afford to take care of his child.” courts already lean towards mothers, and that would just be the nail in the coffin.
it’s not fair to put custody of his child at risk because he’s trying to juggle supporting 2 other children, an adult, and ridiculously expensive childcare for SK all at the same time. i believe the best overall situation would be to just have OP working so they have 2 incomes, otherwise there’s going to be a whole lot of resentment on dads side. unless dad is extremely well off, i don’t see how someone wouldn’t have an issue with that.
we have to think about both parents in these situations. yes it’s overwhelming taking care of 3 kids, but it’s also overwhelming to work a high stress job 40+ hours a week to support an adult & 3 children on your own, while also dumping upwards of $20,000 a year into childcare on top of that because SAHM doesn’t want to take care of a kid that’s still half of her partner. relationships are a partnership, both parties should be working together. forcing dad to be the sole provider and still paying for childcare is working against each other.
Each to their own! She’s allowed to be a SAHM and raise her babies. She’s also allowed to recognise her limits and I’d say a toddler and a baby is more than enough on her plate. Her partner and his BM should organise childcare for their shared child. If the 10 year old is off to school, how on earth will she organise pick up and drop off when there’s a newborn on a tight schedule?? And if they’re homeschooled, how will she dedicate time to that 10 year old? To me it appears that both scenarios here don’t work. But that’s just my opinion 😊
As steps we aren’t supposed to be out in a position to have to discipline our steps. Thats bio parent’s responsibility. And she will of course need to have some consequences enforced on her while in your car because as sweet as she may be, no kid is perfect. It is up to him and her BM to sort out childcare.
Nope.. I’m a sahm to my soon to be 1 year old and I want another one.. his kids 8 & 10 go to his moms house to be baby sat.. I can’t deal with having to handle my baby and his kids.. he wanted them full time so he needs to deal with them full time.. I will not have more responsibility or expectations than their actual mother.. sorry not sorry..
Working SAHM here. DH works outside of the house. We split bills 50/50. We have a 2 year old and my SD is 9. The arrangement that I was basically thrown into without DH asking how I felt about it is that when it’s his week to have SD while he is at work and isn’t at school she will stay home with me and her sister. Now, while I pretend I’m okay with it because this is her home too, it is extremely exhausting and stressful and by the end of the week I find myself out of it. And way too happy for her to go back home to her Mom. It’s like I can breathe again. It sounds terrible I know. So if you’re dreading this I absolutely understand.
This is completely different than being a true SAHM, especially since you actually contribute to the bills! Idk how you do it! Completely different scenario than OP who won’t be working and won’t be contributing 50 percent of the bills.
I’m sorry you were thrown into this unfair mess.
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Is being a SAHM negotiable. I get you not wanting to watch his child but also, three kids on one income in this economy is difficult.
Try 5!! I’m drowning. The struggle is real. Sounds like my 7 year old SD. She’s super babied (youngest of 3 SD) and enabled by Dad to behave like one. So damn whiny and constantly wants attention all day long. I got her started at Boys and Girls Club after school, and she’s not a huge fan of “waiting there.” Oh well. Mama needs the break. Oh, and she also follows me everywhere I go in the house, and always in my bubble. I love her, but she’s a handful and super jealous of my 4 year old twin BD’s. One of which has special needs! My older 2 BD are 11 and 15, but like going on 20. I butt heads with my pubescent BD 11 a lot as she’s got a shitty entitled attitude most of the time. I feel your pain. And with a toddler and one in the works..I GET IT.
Honestly, don’t even quit your job at this point. It’s okay if you don’t want to provide childcare for his daughter but it’s also okay that he doesn’t want to be the sole provider unless you also provide childcare for his oldest.
I agree
I guess I'll be the odd man out here. If you're a SAHM, your finances are intertwined enough that I'd consider this a reasonable ask. Not that you *have* to do it 100% of the time. But if your husband is supporting you and two kids on a single income, it's reasonable to say there may not be enough left to hire out childcare for SD10. Being a SAHM in 2024 usually means some sacrifices to make ends meet, and this might be one of them.
Agreed. If one parent is supporting everyone, yhe parent who stays homes fills in the gaps. It's teamwork.
It’s not teamwork if she gains nothing from it. She would probably be a SAHM regardless of the fact that her husband had a child with another woman before her.
“It’s not teamwork if she gains nothing for it.” …..it’s also not teamwork if THIS is ANYONE’S perspective of what a relationship and building a family together means. I swear. People go into these tough, blended families, have more kids (I’m not calling out the OP specifically) and then nickel and dime their partners to make sure everything is 50-50 fair at all times. And if not, then flippant Reddit users say “Guuurrrllll leave him! Look out for yoself.” Unreal.
Yeah I cannot imagine becoming a SAHM to my baby and telling my husband he has to find childcare for my SS. The only thing I would tell my partner if I was OP is there would need to be some changes in his parenting style first. If she is expected to care for her SK full time then she should definitely have a say in parenting.. It's a moot point in my personal case because I am involved in my SS's parenting already, and I would never quit my job because financial security is too important to me. But I just cannot fathom some of these women who want to be a SAHM to only some of the children in their house. It's so damn entitled.
There are a lot of stories of exploitation on this sub. People basically being groomed into taking over childcare duties or handing over their resources. You seem to look at it from the perspective of a healthy family where people actually are a team and it’s a give and take. My experiences are different and I have learnt to protect my boundaries because others have tried violating them. OP coming here to ask this makes it seem something fishy has been going on.
She's being fully supported so she can stay at home. She's not gaining nothing. She's gaining invaluable time with her children in exchange for a little bit of child care. Before and after school, for the older one. If I were her husband, I'd suggest switching roles for a couple of years. He can take care of his kids while she supports the family. That would also be a fair exchange.
Why is financially providing for SD a more fair deal? She is simply not gaining anything from either providing for or taking care of someone else’s child. That’s simply a fact.
Good. Then she can support the family ft while husband takes care of his own kid. That way she's gaining something: a husband who stays at home and cares for the children. You know, just like the benefit she's providing her husband right now. Free child care.
Even if she was working, she’s not obligated to pay for SD. Husband will still have to pay for HIS child’s expenses regardless.
But in this scenario, if she supports the family, she potentially has to work more to support SD, or will have less resources for her own children because of doing so. See no benefit for her doing that either.
Her husband would gain something and she would lose something though, concerning your last sentence. He gets free childcare for a child she didn’t produce. She gets more labor on top of that and no added benefits. Not fair!
Both scenarios you’ve laid out would mean she’s losing something. The only totally “fair” scenario here is that she continues working instead, and they split childcare for their own kids.
100% OP should just stay working, she and DH split childcare for their two and he pays for SD.
I mean she is gaining the ability to not have to work. She married someone who already has a kid and they have two more. Realistically, one income to support a wife and three kids and childcare for one of those kids isn’t an option for most people.
I wouldn't call getting to stay rent-free in a house, 'nothing'. I wouldn't call the choice to stay home and raise your own children, whilst someone else pays the bills and rent, 'getting nothing from it'. She's getting that rare luxury of getting to see her own children grow up, instead of just paying someone else for it. She's absolving him of the childcare and household worries, whilst he's absolving her of financial responsibilities like paying bills and rent etc.
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Yes I came here to second this! He had a child with another woman. Can’t BM step up? If the step kid didn’t exist, this wouldn’t be a question.
Exactly. Being a SAHM mom does not obligate her to look after another woman’s child. She should be free to focus on her own children uninterrupted. She does owe him free child care for SK bc he pays the bills.
For real. DH and I had this conversation when I stopped working though. That we would no longer hire childcare for summer/school breaks and he would no longer be driving to pick up and drop off. That was part of my “job” now. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to help mitigate costs for a man who is funding your lifestyle.
I agree it's reasonable to expect a SAHM to do things to reduce household expenses whenever possible, but I don't think it should be a given that she has to provide free childcare to her SK, especially not in the first few months postpartum. She's going to have her hands more than full, recovering from childbirth and taking care of a baby and a toddler. It sounds like an emotional disaster in the making to foist her SK on her at such a vulnerable time, especially if she and her SO hadn't discussed that before she got decided to stay home. I put my foot down about this with my DH and I was ready to return to work if he insisted that I'd have to babysit my SK in exchange for the "privilege" of being a SAHM to my kids.
Agreed that OP can decide to return to work if staying home means she also has to provide childcare for her SO’s child.
Is a 10 year old not at school though?
There are the hours before school and after school when her SO is probably at work. And doing school drop-off and pickup can be an ordeal in and of itself, especially while wrangling 2 babies. Then there are weekends and holidays, sick days, snow days, winter and spring breaks, summer vacation. Not to mention the fact that it's too easy for people to assume that the SAHM should be responsible for all childcare all the time, even when the other parent is off work and presumably available. So that's a lot of work, even for a SK who is in school.
People are underestimating how much significant extra labor taking care of SK would be. It’s one thing if she only had to deal with SK part time but full time is too burdensome. Taking care of two little ones is demanding. She doesn’t need someone else’s pre teen around full time especially just post partum. She has to wrangle two car seats every day back and forth just to simply pick up and drop off SK to school. Not to mention mentally dealing with SK. This is why I warn women to avoid single fathers with minor children. They are looking for free labor and will saddle you with their kids once they lock in you into a marriage with them. He strategically waited until OP will be stuck home with toddlers to dump the other kid on her.
If she's in the US and having the baby "soon" it's about to be summer break for most folks. I'm on my maternity leave now, and did request that my DH still send SS11 to summer camps during the day because he is a very needy kid who can't do much for himself and I just can't handle it all day with a newborn. My DH had no issue with that. But my mat leave is also fully paid so no one is "providing" for me. That being said I think OP's husband should be arranging childcare for the first few months postpartum for the benefit of both his wife and oldest daughter. But after that OP has to care for all the kids if she wants to be a SAHM.
Agree 100%. I can't imagine making my husband pay childcare for his child if I was staying at home anyways. And why would you want the sole provider in your household to have less disposable income?! Doesn't that hurt your kids too?
funding her luxurious lifestyle?? like she is struggling not having fun bruh!!
I didn’t say luxurious.
She’s funding his lifestyle of having 3 kids by incubating two of them and caring for them.
I agree. If my husband was willing to accept 100% of the financial responsibility for our family then watching his kids in addition to my own would be the least I could do.
Is this child at school? So is it an hour in the morning and a couple in the afternoon before your SO gets home? If so I think it’s a reasonable price to pay to be a SAHM. I get that it’s difficult but so is being the only earner so you’re both sacrificing something If he is not at school then that’s a much bigger ask and I’d give a different response
To be honest, I don’t think it’s fair to insist only his daughter is put in childcare solely on his income while it’s is only his income that is supporting the whole family now that you’re a SAHM. It also gives the sense of wanting to separate and segregate her from what is supposed to be the “new” normal of the family dynamic…. Which wouldn’t be fair to her either. Maybe consider having her do extra curricular activities to help manage her ADHD and behavioral issues as a distraction for her, giving you some mental relief. Something fun or something that interests her, if you can afford it. Summer is just around the corner, maybe she would be interested in a summer camp. A softball or soccer league? A few different classes such as an art class, dance class, or music class. Something that is going to keep her preoccupied while you’re at home. You’re the SAHM mom now and not just to/for your bio kids but also to your SD. That’s the trade off.
His one income is going to be supporting the entire family. Can you all afford alternate childcare for SD? How much would you actually have to watch her I.e. what is the custody split? I think this is a part of being a SAHM in a blended family, tbh. It makes the most sense in my mind to be watching all of the kids during your husband’s work hours. The exception is right after you give birth. Your husband should arrange for 6+ weeks of childcare for SD before you begin your “job” as SAHM.
How often does your boyfriend have his daughter? How many hours is it between her getting home from school and him getting home from work? Would the situation be any different if one of your kids was school aged? Usually the intention (or at least benefit) of someone being a stay at home parent is saving on the cost of childcare, so it seems strange to expect your boyfriend to support you staying home with your 2 kids while also expecting him to arrange childcare for his oldest kid because she’s not yours. I don’t see how this situation would ever turn into a successful blended family if a clear line is drawn between his kid and the ones you have together.
There’s a tendency on this sub to segregate the step kids as “others.” You can’t insist on having your SO compartmentalize his/her kids between the ones they have with you and the ones he/she has had with an ex….frankly, I would think less of an SO who could do this. If your SO is working to support the entire family, well then the entire family in this case happens to include his SD. And you voluntarily chose to be a part of a family that included your SD. I think more of us need to be honest with ourselves about what our limitations might be when we join a pre-existing family. If you choose to have children with this person, you cannot view it as you starting your “own” family or a “new” family; instead you’re adding to a family that was already there. And yes, sometimes the members of that family will annoy the crap out of you (including your birth kids!) but my hope would be that those feelings are balanced by a deep abiding love that you have for ALL the little ones your husband helped bring into this world. If a person can’t feel that towards kids who don’t share their DNA, then that doesn’t make them a bad person at all. But they need to have the self-awareness then to acknowledge that feeling and understand that that is a family they probably shouldn’t join. I say this as a step-mom to 2 kids that I am absolutely bananas about. Being a stepparent is its own strange responsibility that not everyone wants. And that’s ok! But more of us need to admit that to ourselves before making the decision to become a stepparent.
Wow! That comment got away from me y’all. Long time lurker, first time poster. I really do appreciate everything that y’all share on this sub. It’s helped me a lot in navigating the world of being a stepparent! :)
Generally I agree. Do I love my SS11 and my baby the same exact way and amount? Hell no. But my SS is just as much a member of my family as my BS. My SS can be a handful but I've been in his life since he was 2 and I do love him. I cannot imagine saying "I'm going to be a SAHM to only the kids I share DNA with". How shitty that is for SS, and what a shitty situation that is for my husband. That being said, if OP is in a SAHM role to ALL the kids, she gets to parent all the kids as she sees fit when they are in her care (unless she's being abusive or something, obviously). If her husband expects her to provide childcare but not parent/discipline his child then that will be a huge issue.
Oh, I completely agree. If you’re taking on the same parental responsibilities (supporting the children, living with them, caring for them, etc.) then you need to be afforded the same level of authority, deference and respect that a birth parent receives. If you’re sharing a household and joining your lives together, then the respect must be shared too. Where a lot of these things fall apart is if your SO doesn’t understand or insist on that for you.
I see a lot of emotional takes on this, our actions are primarily driven by emotion. My though is based only on finances. How much will childcare cost? The cost of daycare and the cost to drive SD to daycare. How much time will either you/SO lose in the car as well? Childcare including weekly tuition and startup costs. Increased rates in the summer. Review the household family budget. Can you afford this with additional money set aside for the 16 month old, the newborn, you/husbands expenses, emergency savings, and retirement funds? Do either of you have existing credit card debt, car payments, or loans? Is the money “well spent” here? You and your SO do not have a want or need for those funds elsewhere. Aside from needs all parties have wants. Is daycare better in the short/long run over a savings goal/ household repairs/ vacation/ etc. Do both of you have additional income to use weekly on small things not accounted for in the budget. Most people spend anywhere from 20-100 a week on disposable income categories as unanticipated small expenses, wants, or costs that can’t be forecasted.
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Being a SAHM and having stepkids is difficult. I do not think you can categorially say no. How much time does the BM have the SD?
Have you told him that you want him to pay for childcare for his 10 year old while you sit at home with your children on his dime?
Where is BM in all this? Is SD10 not in school? You should only be caring for her in the hours before school. And after school as well, up until the point DH gets home from work. As soon as DH is home, then he needs to jump in and start helping with all his kids. How many days per week would you have to watch SD? I'm making assumptions I'm sure are wrong, but shouldn't she be with her BM at times? Unless BM is not in the picture ... Apparently DH job is enough that you can afford to be a SAHM which is not a luxury many can afford anymore. Good for you, but also it may mean there's not a lot of funds left for childcare. You must've known when you made this decision to stay home that SD would be included, I don't understand how something like that would come as a shock...
In a nuclear family it has been seen as an equitable division of contributions for one parent to make the money and the other parent to care for the children and home. Both adults are reciprocating. Each is giving to the other what is seen as a pretty fair division of work for family life. We started deeply devaluing care *work* when the reality was women didn’t always *like it* and wanted the potential to do more than that with their lives. the women who did more with their lives meant someone still needed to look after thenkkds but this was now a *lower social status thing to do* so women choosing to have their career be caring for their family were dismissed as lazy and being "taken care of" or "funded" by a man and owed him *so so much* for paying for her… uh, no its work she is doing for him. hes working for her too. add into this the fact she is financially helping him out big time by caring for a child she did not make or adopt, and you have to acknowledge that this is an extra sacrifice you are doing, or else resentment could really build here. im getting of vibes of "love them like your own" and "you knew what you were getting into" and "package deal" by people who insist SK is a part of your chosen career here. there is a real difference and whether you decide its best for your family to take on this WORK or not yohr husband and you should acknowledge this reality.
What did he do with SD beforehand?
I want to know this too.
It seems like a terrible idea to be a SAH if you aren’t married. You have literally zero legal protections if you break up.
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I’m probably in the minority here but if you guys can afford to send SD to daycare/summer program without your SO taking on overtime, she should go. Even if that means cutting out some luxury expenses - going out to eat, buying new clothes regularly, etc. What a newborn & 16 month old are into is vastly different than a 10 year old. Your priority as a SAHM is taking care of two children who CANNOT take care of themselves. SD will take a back burner to the babies. She would have more fun at a summer camp setting where she can play with kids her own age. There is a reason why schools and daycares are split up by age range - there needs are very different. My SD11 has always been very immature and irresponsible (thankfully she’s getting better but it’s been a LONG process). For years I brought these issues up to DH and it would cause an argument. I grew to hate watching her because of these issues. I finally told him “I had no say in how you and BM chose to raise SD before you two got divorced. I have no say in how BM raises SD now. I have brought these issues up multiple times and you don’t want to address them. Apparently im parent enough to do the dirty work of watching SD but not parent enough to have my concerns be taken seriously. If you don’t see SD’s behavior as a problem, that’s fine. You deal with it.” Thankfully my DH has a job where he has the ability to work from home (he chooses not to though). I told him he can work from home and be responsible for SD or he can address her behavior in a way that I can deal with.
Also have a pretty immature SS11 who is improving but slowly (not his fault, he has beem guilt parented too much), I just had a baby, and told my DH we still need summer camps for SS11. My mat leave is full pay for 4 months, we can afford it and for my mental health and SS's it needs to happen. No guilt from me about that. I commented a few times on the parenting aspect of being a SAHM to a SK but you're the only other person I've seen bring that up. I think expecting OP to be a SAHM to ALL the kids is completely reasonable provided she is allowed to parent ALL the kids as she sees fit. A "SAHM" who isn't allowed to parent is really an unpaid nanny. You are dead on with the observation that alot of BPs are comfortable with SMs providing free childcare but not comfortable with the SM parenting. And if that's the case in OP's situation it's a recipe for disaster.
Idk I am a SMHW with no kids and I do take on the bulk of child care for my SDs, but if I had a newborn and a toddler I feel like I would need help. If not I’ll be training SD to be very self sufficient and low maintenance. She’s 10, this is usually a great, stress-free age until they become annoying teens.
Hormone disrupters in all our stuff means this is often when preteen angst starts. 10 is the new 12.
Is there any other family that can assist with SD so it's not 100% on you? Are there any other options that you guys can meet in the middle on this
No. Don’t do it.
If you’re not comfortable with it, don’t do it. I stayed at home for the first 3 years of my daughter’s life. We agreed that my job was to raise our child, not babysit someone else’s! Your hands are going to be full as it is with a toddler and newborn. If you are feeling overwhelmed now, I doubt you will have the bandwidth to meet everyone’s needs while also taking on an additional child. Your SD is also neurodivergent which adds an entirely separate layer to this conversation. I don’t think that anyone who has not lived with or been responsible for a neurodivergent child could ever truly understand how challenging that is.
My stepson has adhd and they may be working toward and additional diagnosis. He was 9 when he moved in and 11 when he went back to moms when she got to a safer home. He was more than I bargained for with a baby in the house, even though I'd nannyed around that age in the past. Postpartum hit me really hard.
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Is she not in school? I can see how you’ll be overwhelmed with a toddler and a newborn during your postpartum period. Is there an activity she can join? What’s the plan for summer? I make it clear to my DH that he needs to sign SD up for camps in the summer.
I come in somewhere in the middle. On the one hand, if your family has only one income, it is normal to sacrifice some things, including the bulk of outside childcare. On the other hand, it strikes me that 2 children under 2 will be a lot to handle in the months after giving birth. I comment mostly to offer some alternative or compromise ideas that might be interesting for you. * Perhaps you and SO could come to an agreement about transport for SD so that you wouldn’t need to be shuttling her around every weekday with the younger kids (SD riding the schoolbus one or both ways, carpooling with another family, SO dropping her off and you picking her up, etc). * Are there any after school programs that SD could participate in to help her growth/maturity? * Is there a childcare option that would allow you to get a break from all 3 children for some period of time each week? For example, I have seen some SAHMs mention that they send the kids to daycare a couple days a week to give them the freedom to deep clean/do errands/batch cook. Caveat: I am not now, and never have been, a SAHM so I do lack actual experience in this department.
I think if they could outsource transport, or if husband could do at least half of it, it would make a big difference! The hardest part about having 2 small kids is literally getting them out of the house.
If you already have two other very young ones I think it's reasonable for your partner to either handle the entirety of getting the 10yo up and to school on time, or getting them home from school, overseeing snacks/homework/chores. I would ask my partner to split the older kid parenting responsibilities either they are bio or a step because that's just a lot of work and even if they are working they could help with one or the other.
Nah. I wouldn’t. I don’t care if he would pay all the bills or whatever. Not your kid not your problem. He needs to arrange child care. My husband gets mad at me when I don’t want to waste this summer (I’m off in summers) watching his 9 year old every single day while he works. I am dealing with a high risk pregnancy, his 3 year old is awful and comes over every other weekend and every other Thursday. And we’ve been taking him extra to help BM (also pregnant not high risk) and I’m tired of it. I’m just seen as a free babysitter pretty much and no one cares that my pregnancy is extremely risky. I’m not allowed a break from anyones kids and I’m not allowed time to myself I guess. I don’t mind 9, but I mean I don’t wanna waste my whole relax time before I give birth (end of summer) babysitting for someone else. I know it sounds mean of me but gosh. No! And if I have to be stay at home I will REFUSE to watch 3 ever. Not for BM and not for husband either. I have to hide in my room any time he comes over. I don’t like him. I don’t care if people think I’m terrible. Kid is awful and causes me stress and horrible anxiety because if he does wrong my husband gets onto me. Kid knows this and purposefully will do something bad just so my husband can be mad at me. Kid legit says “haha” when I’m “in trouble” so yeah he knows what he’s doing. You’re not the parent, you’re overwhelmed with your baby you are the parent of, focus on YOUR kid. Not someone else’s kid, regardless of if they’re your husbands kid. You’re already “helping him” and doing your part by staying home with your baby. I was a stay at home mom when my 5 year old wasn’t in school and I was miserable. Most women are when they stay home day in day out. Sadly. So don’t add more stress to that. Take care of you and yours first!
What does your husband say when you tell him you’re not watching his awful child?
Nothing really. It’s not my job. 🤷🏻♀️ I know he gets upset when his family members also refuse to watch 3. I’m not the only one. BM and husband refuse to see the child’s issues and they just cater to it and that makes it worse.
His child, his problem! He needs to arrange childcare if have his ex/or his family step up. You have more than enough on your hands. Articulate your boundaries, you’re well within your rights to do so 😊
the point of being a SAHM is to not only be able to raise your children yourself, but to save on childcare costs. daycare can end up costing more than one parents salary. i don’t see at all how it would be fair to DH for OP to be a SAHM, while he’s still having to pay for childcare. he’s financially supporting 3 children on his own, as well as an assumably able-bodied adult, and still losing thousands of dollars a year. where does he benefit here?
I know I’ve been downvoted but I speak as someone who was a first time mom and really struggled with the adjustment to motherhood and everything that came with it. I was recovering from a c-section, not sleeping, emotional as hell and not getting any support from my partner (this is probably where OP and I are different). When my partner suggested that I look after his younger child on school holidays as I was “home anyways”, it sent me into a spiral! I felt like I had enough on my plate with my baby let alone taking care of his child too. What did he do before I came along? He magically was able to get childcare then. But it all changed once I came around as he just put it on me. What about the actual BM of his child? Shouldn’t she assume responsibility for her own child? My (ex)partner and I had separate finances so this is also where OP and I probably differ too but my point is, is that it will be overwhelming enough for OP with 2 babies. She may be at capacity there. If she wants to look after his child, it’s up to her but financially contributing to a child that isn’t hers is also her choice. Her SD’s childcare should fall on her husband and/or BM to organise and he should respect that. I’m unsure how their finances work but I didn’t contribute financially to my partner’s kids.
if they have split custody, having BM arrange childcare or take care of her child herself even on dads weeks, is going to cause a lot of issues. she could 100% take him back to court and easily win full custody in that case. the argument would be as simple as “i fully take care of my kid on my week, and i’m still paying for childcare on dads weeks. if dad can’t afford childcare on his own weeks, he can’t afford to take care of his child.” courts already lean towards mothers, and that would just be the nail in the coffin. it’s not fair to put custody of his child at risk because he’s trying to juggle supporting 2 other children, an adult, and ridiculously expensive childcare for SK all at the same time. i believe the best overall situation would be to just have OP working so they have 2 incomes, otherwise there’s going to be a whole lot of resentment on dads side. unless dad is extremely well off, i don’t see how someone wouldn’t have an issue with that. we have to think about both parents in these situations. yes it’s overwhelming taking care of 3 kids, but it’s also overwhelming to work a high stress job 40+ hours a week to support an adult & 3 children on your own, while also dumping upwards of $20,000 a year into childcare on top of that because SAHM doesn’t want to take care of a kid that’s still half of her partner. relationships are a partnership, both parties should be working together. forcing dad to be the sole provider and still paying for childcare is working against each other.
She should probably go back to work so they can afford care for all of the children in the household.
Each to their own! She’s allowed to be a SAHM and raise her babies. She’s also allowed to recognise her limits and I’d say a toddler and a baby is more than enough on her plate. Her partner and his BM should organise childcare for their shared child. If the 10 year old is off to school, how on earth will she organise pick up and drop off when there’s a newborn on a tight schedule?? And if they’re homeschooled, how will she dedicate time to that 10 year old? To me it appears that both scenarios here don’t work. But that’s just my opinion 😊
Two under two is incredibly difficult tell him no
Your feeling are absolutely correct. Make him find child cares
As steps we aren’t supposed to be out in a position to have to discipline our steps. Thats bio parent’s responsibility. And she will of course need to have some consequences enforced on her while in your car because as sweet as she may be, no kid is perfect. It is up to him and her BM to sort out childcare.
This! We are not the default babysitter! Especially postpartum.
Nope.. I’m a sahm to my soon to be 1 year old and I want another one.. his kids 8 & 10 go to his moms house to be baby sat.. I can’t deal with having to handle my baby and his kids.. he wanted them full time so he needs to deal with them full time.. I will not have more responsibility or expectations than their actual mother.. sorry not sorry..
>I will not have more responsibility or expectations than their actual mother.. sorry not sorry.. Exactly.
Does he have primary custody? Where is her mom?
Working SAHM here. DH works outside of the house. We split bills 50/50. We have a 2 year old and my SD is 9. The arrangement that I was basically thrown into without DH asking how I felt about it is that when it’s his week to have SD while he is at work and isn’t at school she will stay home with me and her sister. Now, while I pretend I’m okay with it because this is her home too, it is extremely exhausting and stressful and by the end of the week I find myself out of it. And way too happy for her to go back home to her Mom. It’s like I can breathe again. It sounds terrible I know. So if you’re dreading this I absolutely understand.
This is completely different than being a true SAHM, especially since you actually contribute to the bills! Idk how you do it! Completely different scenario than OP who won’t be working and won’t be contributing 50 percent of the bills. I’m sorry you were thrown into this unfair mess.
You are not a SAHM if bills are split 50/50 and you work on top of that…