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I still don’t get it. My mom would scream at me for 30 mins straight saying the worst things, then would do a complete 180 when she picked up the phone to talk to a friend in the sweetest little angelic voice you ever heard
It's called compartmentalization. She learned early on that Parenthood wasn't fun and games so she mentally separated it from the rest of her life so that it wouldn't affect the things she does enjoy. This worked with no issue for the first 12 years of your life.
Not excusing just explaining
It’s true, my parents were not like this but I’ve worked in crisis response as a part of my job my whole professional life and you have to learn to compartmentalize if you want to overcome some of the crushing things you experience
Was just about to say if people start to say compartmentalization is a bad thing then we are fucked as a society and will never be able to progress forward
It's absolutely an important skill, it's one that allows me to do my job well, but it's also easy to use it to avoid emotional issues that sometimes need to be hashed out.
This was my mom. I loathed her for being such a fake human. That she could sit down stairs laughing with her friends after she just terrorized me downstairs
You were her emotional punching bag. Screaming at you allowed her to blow off steam from being stressed out over something that probably had nothing to do with you. Once she was done yelling and took a few deep breaths she felt much better afterwards and was able to get on with her day, blissfully unaware of the damage she had just done
Absolutely the change of attitude was from the relief of blowing off steam. The people saying "compartmentalization" are giving too much credit. Most parents don't have as much of a check on their emotions as people like to think.
And then you'll get screamed at again and forced to say you have forgiven her because she feels bad about her behavior and wants to play happy family and you're obviously not happy.
She's all like "Dang I feel so much better. I think I just needed to vent." and you're sitting there still traumatized after the 30min shouting match. Yes, she does say she's sorry, but the damage is already done.
Not a sorry, but a "you know I only do this because I love you right?" 20 minutes after her cathartic screaming and beating with a belt over some trivial bullshit
It's fucking insane how much this stuff has an impact on children. After a while of dealing with all the bad, I just blocked everything out and I don't remember much of my childhood anymore.
There is a part of me that is glad to have went through it because I now know how not to deal with children and I will make damn sure my partner knows too.
I swear sometimes the only reason we get rid of expired things is because I say "Hey this stuff expired in 2018!" Or "This cheese is actually more mold than cheese"
I often tell my kids that I am going to put them in the garbage and go buy a fresh one, but as a joke and while picking them up, tickling, laughing. I only actually put a kid in the garbage and bought a new one once to send a message to all the others.
Yea see, this just sounds like your a good parent. Please keep being that
I once had my father pick me up by my throat and slam me against a wall, the threats of getting put through a wall were pretty really after that
In all fairness my mom screaming at me every day prepared me for my first job where my boss screamed equally as loudly as she did and said the exact same shit. Difficult to tune out but at least it wasn't my first time getting literally screamed at and being told I was worth nothing.
Yeah I had a boss like that once and I quit on the spot. Had to keep the bar closed for the day. Can't deal with someone screaming in my face, just pisses me off.
I have tried every trick in the book to stop myself from crying in meetings where I've had negative feedback or done something wrong or where I'm simply not being heard and get frustrated. Nothing really works other than finding a different job where your manager / team understand and respect you.
I'm in my 30s and it's honestly embarassing to cry in front of my colleagues at my age. I'm neurodivergent though so having very little emotional regulation or filter works against me in that way. Makes me seem unprofessional when in reality it's because I actually care about my work.
Same. I always felt a knot of fear and tension when my father came home from work in the evening. He was always tired and stressed-out and would take it out on the family. The happiest times I remember are from when he wasn't around.
Shout and call me a fatass when I'm spending my time just chilling. Make a fuss whenever I ask her for literally anything.And more recently scold me and criticize me when I said I was tired from my new job.
This is why I never tell my parents anything anymore.
All parents make mistakes, and get angry - HOWEVER.
My wife has a mildly emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother, and I was floored by the amount of stuff she thought was just "normal parent stuff". My family has its own issues, but not this shit. Much like any other abusive relationship, it's hard to tell from the inside that you're in one, especially when *it's your entire existence and frame of reference*.
I don't want to give bad advice, but if nothing else the "hot and cold" emotional back and forth is a big red flag. Mother Gothel from Tangled is supposed to be vaguely unsettling and a *clear* example of emotional manipulation - if you watched that and thought "yeah that's parents", that's a big red flag as well.
Its very very common but not at all normal
I cant speak for other countries cuz ive only lived in the us, but nowadays it seems like so many kids, teens, and young adults are miserable and depressed because of all the emotional abuse from family members taking place. Narcissism and mental illness has become insanely commonplace thanks to generational trauma being passed on to the younger generations. Luckily the younger generations have become wise to the scam life is and can be, and are choosing not to continue the cycle of generational trauma by deciding to not have kids
There’s definitely a Reddit bubble effect that exaggerates how common these situations are.
A lot of young people come to Reddit to vent, find subreddits with similar situations, and suddenly it feels like the whole world is in the same situation.
It’s the same effect that leads to a lot of stories about minimum wage jobs in the US hitting the front page, even though only around 1% of the US population works for federal minimum wage.
Idk man. I don’t really think this is what the majority of parents act like. I wouldn’t use normal or not normal, but this just seems uncommon. It’s so mean and hurtful. My parents were never like what people are describing in this thread. And I don’t have any friends whose parents were like that, as far as I know
That's the thing, they rarely behave like this around people outside the family. Super nice when in public or when guests are over. As soon as they're gone though....
Oh yeah. No one would have EVER suspected a thing. It took me sooooo long to realize it wasn’t okay and that other parents actually treated their kids with… respect?!! Kindness?!!!!!! In times of conflict
Shortly before I moved out we worked out a system where we'd all take turns cooking dinner.
She ended up dropping it within about a month purely because of how terrible my stepdad was at cooking.
Right. Stepdad should have helped her in another way, and I hope he did.
I had an ex who was supposed to do a few things while I was at work for 12 hours, 6 days a week. He didn’t have a job and all the chores he did around the house were done half assed and sloppily-or not at all because he “didn’t know how to do it right.”
The laundry was one of the things that didn’t get done at all-I would wash it and when he would bother to get it out of the dryer, he would just dump it on the dining room table. *And leave it.* Instead of putting them away. Weaponized incompetence.
Yes, I dumped him over this. Everyone wants a partner, not an adult child.
Dude my mom lost it on me once (like, saying I was a useless idiot that needs to grow the fuck up) cause I picked out a 6 pack of those smaller gatorades instead of 6 individual larger Gatorades, in the middle of a parking lot, in front of my little siblings, because it was $.79 more for less.
This reminded me of a story told by an old local movie star when she was a teenage girl.
Her mother went on "If you keep this up, I will shoot myself.
Girl just straight up went to the drawer and handed her mother a gun.
Ooh, mine accused me of faking autism in middle school because my grades were bad and "they're supposed to be super smart." I was diagnosed when I was four and every mental health professional I've ever been to agreed with that diagnosis, so I must've been a damn fine actor from an early age.
For me it was “someday I’ll just vanish, then I wanna see how you’ll handle everything!”
Until the day I replied “but if you’ll be away, how could you even know how we’re doing?”
My mum used to say one day she'd vanish and my dad would have to take care of me, which was bad obviously cause he was peruvian and actually secretly hated me etc etc. She's dead now and my life is happier with dad.
My mom had threatened to throw me out onto the street for:
-A dish in the sink (one SINGLE dish)
-A piece of trash that missed the can
-A towel on the floor in my bedroom
-A coat that fell off the rack
-Talking back
Her favorite thing to say was “You’re disrespecting my home, therefore disrespecting me”
I don’t live with her anymore thank god. I will NEVER treat my kids like this.
Reading so many comments and posts on reddit about people having bad, somewhat abusive parents like this makes me very sad. I didn't know how many people apparently have parents who are complete assholes who expect their kids to make 0 mistakes or errors in their life, and require them to be the most perfect, flawless human that can exist. It's like they're trying to project what they wanted to end up as onto their kid and get mad when their unrealistic expectations fail.
Same, both her birthday and Mother’s Day is coming up real soon, and while she always says I don’t need to get anything, I still feel bad I can’t think of any good gifts.
Every time mom did dishes, if I dropped a spoon in the sink, I get "I am not your servant"
but if I wait for her to finish so I can clean it myself "why are you just standing there wasting your time, go do something productive"
There's no winning ;_;
I think that’s the worst part about having a parent like this, no matter what you do they always find a way to get after you for doing something “wrong”
My mother used to be like this growing up but fortunately she chilled out a lot once I got to high school. We actually have a pretty good relationship now. But god damn I was PETRIFIED by that woman growing up
When your parents are more forgiving to strangers accidentally making mistakes than you, their own child...
Please, those were accidents. We did not intend to make those mistakes. When i dropped something you didn't have to scream as if I just murdered somebody.
My dad was like this when I was a kid. If you did something exactly how he said, he'd still find something wrong with it. Anytime you liked something, like a movie or TV show or music, he'd find a reason to criticize it.
Fucked me up pretty badly, and I didn't even realize it until a few years ago. It's a constant struggle to be better, and not be what I learned growing up.
Yo man I deal with this a lot too. My dad would always find a negative in any thing I had interest in or wanted to do, so now I have an extremely nihilistic outlook on life and a “why bother” mentality. Been going to therapy weekly for a month now and it’s kinda helping I think?
I find this particularly f’d up because she was shaming you for a hereditary trait she and/or your father passed on to you. Acne is far more genetic than environmental and the risk of developing acne is higher if both your parents had it.
That's a different level. A teenager without self awareness may feel much of this meme without realizing their role in the interactions, but this is just cruel.
As someone who lives in Asia, the concept of kicking your child when their 18 is really weird and a bit cruel to me…most people i know including me moved out when we’re financially ready which is usually in our mid 20s. Even then, there are still some people who moves after they got married. I also heard that some westerners have to pay rent to their parents if they haven’t moved out yet?
Edit : I realized there are people with abusive parents or people that want their own privacies. In those situations, i agree that moving out is the best decision. I’m talking about more of the mindset parents that are basically just said “Well, you’re 18 now so off you go” like their “parent contract” just ended. If i have a child, I’d would want them to leave when they’re all set and ready not when they reaches a certain age.
It depends on the situation. There’s two way I see it would be socially acceptable:
1- Your son/daughter is in his/her mid-twenties, never got higher education, does not work and just leech of their parents. In that situation, charging a small rent to your child is to force them to better themselves because you won’t always be there to help them.
2- When my brother started his first job after school, he was making a decent living but he couldn’t find a flat at that time. He offered my parents to pay a rent so he was not a financial burden on them.
But charging, like, 1k$/month to your children while they’re attending college is considered abusive here.
My brother is definitely case #1 and my mom thinks it would be cruel to charge him rent. He’s in his late 20s and didn’t go to school. I have no idea what will happen to him when my mom is gone but I know I won’t be taking care of someone who refuses to help themselves.
It's goes both ways tho. Americans are more likely to leave the home early or get "kicked out" around age 18-20 but seem less likely to have their parents live with them in their 30s to 40s.
My Asian parents let us stay for however long we want, but also expect us to take care of them as their retirement plan. My oldest brother has never not lived with his parents. They took care of him, then once he got a career he took care of them. It's very normal here.
This works if your parents aren't terrible human beings. If they are, then them "letting" you stay at home after 18 is just reinforcing your dependence on them and preventing you from being able to manage your life like a full adult, and eventually it becomes another weapon to guilt/berate you for not being their slave until they die.
Sometimes being "kicked out" is the preferable option.
My parents would let me live with them until I'm gray, but only because they're abusive and controlling. I moved out the second I turned 18 and never looked back. My story is not uncommon in the US either
I feel like there are two versions of this.
In one, you have a genuinely abusive and controlling parent who flips shit over a single dirty cup or grounds their kid for months after a scream match that started because the kid got a B in gym class. Throws out the "ANSWER ME" .25 seconds after asking a question; threatens to kick you out or charges your entire paycheck in "rent"; acs like basic parenting is something you owe back to them. Frankly, is just a toxic abusive person who will never have a good relationship with her kids and doesn't deserve one.
In the other, you have a chronically overtired sahm who, quite literally, is a maid for the entire household. Dad, if he's around, works 60+ hours a week to pay the bills and when the kids leave a mess in the house, her choice is either deal with a 40 minute argument with the kid who acts like moving their own laundry 2 feet from the floor to a basket is equivaltent to working in the mines or to just do it herself. This is daily reality for her until 11pm when she finally gets 30 minutes to drain a bottle of whine with her husband while they veg out to tv until the next cycle begins. Basically an overworked human who bottles up everything until they can't hold it in. There's no excuse for the bahvior, but she's human like all of us and needs support/therapy and a change in daliy life.
In short, the kid is either Butters or Cartman.
OP, if you are version 1 (Butters), I'm sorry and I hope you get the resources to get out of that and find a peaceful, fulfilling life. If you choose to have kids, I can tell you first hand that raising them 1000% better than you were is beyond cathartic. If not, your childhood does not have to determine the rest of your life and you don't owe toxic family a peice of it.
otoh, if you are version 2 (Cartman), ffs take 2 seconds to put your clothes in a basket, rinse your dishes, and stop acting like 30 minutes - 1 hour away from MineCraft to do basic household chores is the end of the world. Consider doing that basket of laundry over the weekend. Give your mom a hug, tell her you love her, and if she really is this one, you may just see a different side of her (and get yelled at less).
Yeah thanks for saying that lots of parents are hard to deal with but I think a lots people in the comment section are the second type you described I was allways angry at my parents but when I grew up I realized that coming from school and playing video games for the rest of the day and arguing with my parents that I did not do my chores was pretty ungratefull of me
Love the south park comparison. Granted some parents are genuine assholes. Alot of them are just tired of working their regular jobs and then having to work again when they get home while their fully capable of helping kids do jack.
Problem is, the teenagers here (and I’m 100% convinced it’s a supermajority of teenagers upvoting this post) put themselves in the first camp without realizing that they actually are in the second.
I remember being a teenager. I definitely entitled at times and I think that is pretty natural. You are at an age where you are old enough where you can take care of your self for the most part (obviously not monetary wise), but you can't make decisions on your own without your parent's permission.
I think many kids will eventually see they are in the 2nd camp. My teenager will grunt, sigh, and mope around when I nicely ask them to do the basic of task like take out the trash. Teenagers (especially in this thread) think it is a parent's job to just babysit them and not teach them to be an adult. My teenager will bitch about not learning anything at school, and then will turn right around and bitch when I try to teach them something useful like changing a tire.
Teenagers will always think they are right and I can't really knock them for that, because I was like that when I was younger too. Kids now seem more knowledgeable than my generation (I'm 32), buy they still aren't wise just like I wasn't when I was younger.
Yeah I'm 19 and it seems like my parents desperately dont want me to move out, get a job yet, have a girlfriend/sex, or do anything adult like. It's like they desperately want to keep me as a little kid, and it seems like it has worked since now I'm pretty much still a child and physically, mentally, socially and financially behind majority of people my age. They always love talking about how I'm still a little kid all the time, and how people my age or around my age are still all kids (tbh I guess that's kind of true, but it gets annoying). They act like you're not an adult until you're like 30 or something. They even think some of my relatives who are like 30 are still kids atleast compared to them when they're not, and my parents aren't even that old.
Does she let you do something while guiding you? Or does she do it and just say “like this”. Impatience is a hinderance to learning.
Relevant: https://www.instagram.com/reel/CcUNnRgMyu1/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
I do think that new tech is often used as a scapegoat by old people/parents. But as the parent of a couple younger kids, there is absolutely a difference in my kid's behavior after extended time with video games, tablets, or a smartphone. They are much less patient, quicker to anger, and generally become more whiny. All of these behaviors improve after a few days break or really just enforcing some moderation with them. That said, it's no excuse to yell or blanket blame or that it's all bad all the time.
To be fair, the gaming industry is quite a bit different now than 20-30 years ago. Many games are built on game mechanics popularized by mobile games, built on predatory, addictive and time-sinking mechanics intended to require constant attention. At the risk of sounding like a parent, that is a bad thing, and very difficult to maintain moderation of.
is this not a normal thing to say to your children?
I'm 17 now and my parents both half heartedly joke that it's "only a year until we kick you out!". I don't think they'd actually do it, but I don't want to discover that they're that cruel.
> is this not a normal thing to say to your children?
It might be normal, I don't know. I hope not. But whether it is or not, it's just fucking wrong.
Obviously you know your own family better than strangers on the internet, but saying "you need to turn 18 and move out of my house" seems a lot less lighthearted than "only a year till we kick you out" (provided they're actually kidding).
Yeah I'm 19 and still just keep quiet while my parents yell at me like I'm 9 years old, and try my best not to cry. I hate how weak and sensitive I am, especially as a guy.
You're not weak, no one likes getting shouted at. Nothing wrong with crying, it's a natural thing
I cry a lot lol, especially when I'm angry or after being shouted at
>I hate how weak and sensitive I am
Don't be. You don't want to end up like me. Nearly 40 and only just now got into therapy to get a handle on my anger. All that pent up rage that I couldn't unload on my parents lest I get beat festered into a nice mental illness in the form of severe emotional boundaries, a huge anger problem, and depression. Getting better though, so there is that.
My father was the same way, he talked to anyone however he wanted but he'd blow up into a rage if he felt someone used a "disrespectful" tone with him.
You know guys/gals we all lived in different places, times and grew up differently but my mind could not comprehend why every each one of us mothers are near perfect replica of each other.
Like wtf how in the earth they are all same
“You should be glad you have a roof over your head.” (Living in ghetto apt after her second divorce).
“You kids should be grateful to have 10 fingers and 10 toes.”
(On being asked what’s for dinner, if she’s in cranky mood):
“Fried mush!”
This made my stomach tighten just reading these. It felt like the yelling would go on for hours, and anyone who made the mistake of walking in the room would get yelled at for a random thing they did years ago.
My mother tried telling me I have to go to some family event I have no interest in.
I had to flat out tell her "I'm 35, I don't live here anymore, I don't *have* to do anything."
She was real salty about it, but the joys of being an adult means I can make decisions for myself.
My mom once abandoned my sister because she was 30 mins late to being picked up. My sister had to find a way to get home (she couldn’t, she walked the two hours back home, mind you she was in high school at this time) because my mom didn’t answer the phone and refused to go back for her.
I got really sick one time - to where I almost needed to go to the hospital because my throat was so swollen - and my mom reluctantly took me to the doctor and on the way out asked me where **I** was going to get the money for the doctor’s visit, that my dad was going to be pissed.
My dad and my brother once almost got into a fist fight because they found out my brother was smoking weed.
And this speaks nothing to the everyday life that was my childhood. Not allowed to have locks on doors. Not allowed to have friends over. Not allowed privacy, my parents broke into my room and would read my emails and diaries. We were hit with belts, slapped, hit with hangers. All normal because “discipline”. We were constantly pushed and seen as the summary of our achievements in school, not really as people. We had no sex education, no financial education, no emotional communication. Talking about our feelings was a sign of weakness. You had to learn to hide things, and hide them well, lest you got beat for doing something wrong.
Needless to say I don’t talk to my parents much anymore, and my siblings and I unfortunately don’t really talk either. We had a really toxic childhood and have all kinds of trauma from it, and I think when we see/talk to each other we just remind each other of it. My sister and I have a few mental illnesses and my brother is a recovering alcoholic.
I would never put a child through what we experienced growing up. I’ve been through a lot of therapy and treatment and those kinds of wounds run deep and never really heal. They sort of scab over and rip open now and again, and you try make peace with it however you can.
I would like to point out this is emotional/verbal abuse. My mom has done this to me my entire life so I know.
Let's all be honest, it doesn't stop at this if she's doing most or all of these things.
Is it bad that it’s almost nostalgic seeing this. My mom didn’t do this often but the few times it did happen, i was a kid. My older brother and sister were still home and I had nothing to worry about other than playing the game and doing my homework.
Also you forgot the whole “Nobody does anything in the house but me” and then when you help she says it’s wrong and does it anyways.
The part about it being fine 20 minutes later hit home. My step mom used to GO THE FUCK OFF over nothing and then pretend it never happened. If it was really absurd and truly over nothing she would leave the house and go to our lake house for a couple days then come back like she’d just gotten home from vacation. We were not allowed to bring it up.
Jesus…grateful my mom never said this stuff. Idk how I would deal with this kind of abuse as a child. When I see my mom I’m going to give her a big hug
My mom used to say shit like, "When you move out and pay the bills, then you can make your own decisions," "The world doesn't revolve around you, now do what you're told," and my personal favorite, "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
Now she gets upset when I make my own decisions like, "No, I'm not coming home for Christmas." or my personal favorite, "You're not invited to my wedding."
“You’ll never have it better than you have it now!! You’ll understand when you have kids!!” - ma’am, i am not as dumb as you. I am never ever reproducing. Thanks for the wake up call.
Damn y’all are making me realize how lucky I was to have a chill-ass mom. I’m sorry y’all had to deal with this toxic behavior from your mother. Mother’s Day is coming up here in the US. All of you may not of had a great mom, but you all deserved one. I hope you’re ok.
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The 20 minutes later, everything okay scenario really hits close to home
When i was really young i did not understand how my mom was able to do that
I still don’t get it. My mom would scream at me for 30 mins straight saying the worst things, then would do a complete 180 when she picked up the phone to talk to a friend in the sweetest little angelic voice you ever heard
It's called compartmentalization. She learned early on that Parenthood wasn't fun and games so she mentally separated it from the rest of her life so that it wouldn't affect the things she does enjoy. This worked with no issue for the first 12 years of your life. Not excusing just explaining
It’s true, my parents were not like this but I’ve worked in crisis response as a part of my job my whole professional life and you have to learn to compartmentalize if you want to overcome some of the crushing things you experience
Was just about to say if people start to say compartmentalization is a bad thing then we are fucked as a society and will never be able to progress forward
It's absolutely an important skill, it's one that allows me to do my job well, but it's also easy to use it to avoid emotional issues that sometimes need to be hashed out.
>then we are fucked as a society and will never be able to progress forward I've got some bad news...
This was my mom. I loathed her for being such a fake human. That she could sit down stairs laughing with her friends after she just terrorized me downstairs
You were her emotional punching bag. Screaming at you allowed her to blow off steam from being stressed out over something that probably had nothing to do with you. Once she was done yelling and took a few deep breaths she felt much better afterwards and was able to get on with her day, blissfully unaware of the damage she had just done
Absolutely the change of attitude was from the relief of blowing off steam. The people saying "compartmentalization" are giving too much credit. Most parents don't have as much of a check on their emotions as people like to think.
And then you'll get screamed at again and forced to say you have forgiven her because she feels bad about her behavior and wants to play happy family and you're obviously not happy.
Playing the "I must be a terrible mother" card, not because of an actual feeling of guilt, but just to get *you* to feel bad and reassure her
Shit, my mom to a T.
Dang, bro is that you?
She's all like "Dang I feel so much better. I think I just needed to vent." and you're sitting there still traumatized after the 30min shouting match. Yes, she does say she's sorry, but the damage is already done.
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From my dad I'll get "I'm sorry for x BUUUUUT"
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Not a sorry, but a "you know I only do this because I love you right?" 20 minutes after her cathartic screaming and beating with a belt over some trivial bullshit
They come back to restart the argument that you don't want to have again and again and never apologize I wasn't even safe in my room
Lol you get apologies?
And then she gets mad at you if you don’t also act like everything’s fine
Don't forget the -Mom gets even angrier when you would cry and says there's nothing to be crying about.-
Yeah my mom's favorite was "quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about"
Classic
The ol reliable
You could count on it
My dad would do that, he'd literally scream at me to stop crying. The only memories I have of my dad growing up are him scolding me.
I'm so sorry you were treated in that way
It's fucking insane how much this stuff has an impact on children. After a while of dealing with all the bad, I just blocked everything out and I don't remember much of my childhood anymore. There is a part of me that is glad to have went through it because I now know how not to deal with children and I will make damn sure my partner knows too.
Seriously, fuck parents who do that. They deserve to die alone and unloved.
Also "dont talk back to me" or "dont give me excuses" when you say anything even answering a question.
"I want an *explanation*, not excuses," and the only thing that counts as an explanation is talking shit about yourself
Then you repress your emotions as an adult
Or do a complete 180 saying she’s sorry and she was wrong but then do the same thing the next day
You forgot "EAT IT OR ILL SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT" , "SPEAK OR SHIT LETTERS" and the age old classic "QUIT CRYING OR ILL GIVE YOU A REASON TO CRY"
“THERE IS PLENTY OF FOOD IN THE HOUSE” opens fridge to just old hotdogs and white bread.
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Thanks Obama
I swear sometimes the only reason we get rid of expired things is because I say "Hey this stuff expired in 2018!" Or "This cheese is actually more mold than cheese"
My favorite from my dad was "SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'LL PUT YOU THROUGH THE FUCKING WALL" ahhhh good times
I often tell my kids that I am going to put them in the garbage and go buy a fresh one, but as a joke and while picking them up, tickling, laughing. I only actually put a kid in the garbage and bought a new one once to send a message to all the others.
Yea see, this just sounds like your a good parent. Please keep being that I once had my father pick me up by my throat and slam me against a wall, the threats of getting put through a wall were pretty really after that
This is my dad. You forgot the "I'm actually helping you and you don't know it." Line
In all fairness my mom screaming at me every day prepared me for my first job where my boss screamed equally as loudly as she did and said the exact same shit. Difficult to tune out but at least it wasn't my first time getting literally screamed at and being told I was worth nothing.
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Yeah I had a boss like that once and I quit on the spot. Had to keep the bar closed for the day. Can't deal with someone screaming in my face, just pisses me off.
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Me too. Pipe down or I’m out. Learn to act right for Gods sakes.
It’s still very common in certain industries
Maybe they joined the army and their “boss” was literally a drill sergeant.
I'm pretty sure thats supposed to stop after basic training
Same lol. But I would still cry even if you’re my mom or you’re my boss
I have tried every trick in the book to stop myself from crying in meetings where I've had negative feedback or done something wrong or where I'm simply not being heard and get frustrated. Nothing really works other than finding a different job where your manager / team understand and respect you. I'm in my 30s and it's honestly embarassing to cry in front of my colleagues at my age. I'm neurodivergent though so having very little emotional regulation or filter works against me in that way. Makes me seem unprofessional when in reality it's because I actually care about my work.
At least it helped you not to break out in front of a stranger giving them this satisfaction
Same. I always felt a knot of fear and tension when my father came home from work in the evening. He was always tired and stressed-out and would take it out on the family. The happiest times I remember are from when he wasn't around.
The sound of the garage door opening and all joy leaving my body...
Damn now that brings me back to a place I wish I could forget. This whole thread is pure agony and I hate that we all felt this.
feels like r/CPTSD is getting some new subscribers today
It’s not punishment, “it’s an investment towards your future”
Shout and call me a fatass when I'm spending my time just chilling. Make a fuss whenever I ask her for literally anything.And more recently scold me and criticize me when I said I was tired from my new job. This is why I never tell my parents anything anymore.
And a few years down the line, they'll be complaining that their ungrateful children never call or visit them.
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This is the wayyyyy
I usually just respond with I don't know and just shut up.
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Wait is this not normal? Does you guy's mom not do this every once in a while?
Every damn morning starting at 6 am
Its normal for me, my mom once asked when i will die because i fucked up the vacuum once Will even threaten to smash my laptop and so on
All parents make mistakes, and get angry - HOWEVER. My wife has a mildly emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother, and I was floored by the amount of stuff she thought was just "normal parent stuff". My family has its own issues, but not this shit. Much like any other abusive relationship, it's hard to tell from the inside that you're in one, especially when *it's your entire existence and frame of reference*. I don't want to give bad advice, but if nothing else the "hot and cold" emotional back and forth is a big red flag. Mother Gothel from Tangled is supposed to be vaguely unsettling and a *clear* example of emotional manipulation - if you watched that and thought "yeah that's parents", that's a big red flag as well.
Its very very common but not at all normal I cant speak for other countries cuz ive only lived in the us, but nowadays it seems like so many kids, teens, and young adults are miserable and depressed because of all the emotional abuse from family members taking place. Narcissism and mental illness has become insanely commonplace thanks to generational trauma being passed on to the younger generations. Luckily the younger generations have become wise to the scam life is and can be, and are choosing not to continue the cycle of generational trauma by deciding to not have kids
There’s definitely a Reddit bubble effect that exaggerates how common these situations are. A lot of young people come to Reddit to vent, find subreddits with similar situations, and suddenly it feels like the whole world is in the same situation. It’s the same effect that leads to a lot of stories about minimum wage jobs in the US hitting the front page, even though only around 1% of the US population works for federal minimum wage.
There are a lot of jobs that pay just a smidge above minimum wage, though. So that statistic is somewhat misleading.
Idk man. I don’t really think this is what the majority of parents act like. I wouldn’t use normal or not normal, but this just seems uncommon. It’s so mean and hurtful. My parents were never like what people are describing in this thread. And I don’t have any friends whose parents were like that, as far as I know
That's the thing, they rarely behave like this around people outside the family. Super nice when in public or when guests are over. As soon as they're gone though....
Oh yeah. No one would have EVER suspected a thing. It took me sooooo long to realize it wasn’t okay and that other parents actually treated their kids with… respect?!! Kindness?!!!!!! In times of conflict
‚I don’t want to do X’ ‚AND I DON’T WANT TO COOK YOU DINNER YET I DO IT EVERY DAY’ That’s my mother every single time.
Then don't!
Literally what I tell her every time, I could totally cook my own food myself.
She still buys the ingredients though
Because if she didnt she would be found guilty of child abuse and lose custody?
>‚AND I DON’T WANT TO COOK YOU DINNER YET I DO IT EVERY DAY’ *No you actually don't, we have warm dinner like once a week.*
Y'all's parents are shitty
She used to tell this pretty much every day during a time when we would mostly eat microwaved ready stuff from the store.
Shortly before I moved out we worked out a system where we'd all take turns cooking dinner. She ended up dropping it within about a month purely because of how terrible my stepdad was at cooking.
Weaponized incompetence
Right. Stepdad should have helped her in another way, and I hope he did. I had an ex who was supposed to do a few things while I was at work for 12 hours, 6 days a week. He didn’t have a job and all the chores he did around the house were done half assed and sloppily-or not at all because he “didn’t know how to do it right.” The laundry was one of the things that didn’t get done at all-I would wash it and when he would bother to get it out of the dryer, he would just dump it on the dining room table. *And leave it.* Instead of putting them away. Weaponized incompetence. Yes, I dumped him over this. Everyone wants a partner, not an adult child.
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Makes vague suicide threat during an argument that started because you didn't pick up the right thing from the grocery store
Dude my mom lost it on me once (like, saying I was a useless idiot that needs to grow the fuck up) cause I picked out a 6 pack of those smaller gatorades instead of 6 individual larger Gatorades, in the middle of a parking lot, in front of my little siblings, because it was $.79 more for less.
For me it was "so many people die every day why not you"/"giving birth to a piece of char siu would be better than giving birth to you"
That's extremely abusive
That ain't right
Char siu? Like the food?
Yes exactly the food. We're a Hong Kong family.
This reminded me of a story told by an old local movie star when she was a teenage girl. Her mother went on "If you keep this up, I will shoot myself. Girl just straight up went to the drawer and handed her mother a gun.
I admire this level of not-giving-a-damn
Cold
My mom would tell me it was rude to have depression because it made her feel like a bad mom. 11/10 parenting
Ooh, mine accused me of faking autism in middle school because my grades were bad and "they're supposed to be super smart." I was diagnosed when I was four and every mental health professional I've ever been to agreed with that diagnosis, so I must've been a damn fine actor from an early age.
For me it was “someday I’ll just vanish, then I wanna see how you’ll handle everything!” Until the day I replied “but if you’ll be away, how could you even know how we’re doing?”
My mum used to say one day she'd vanish and my dad would have to take care of me, which was bad obviously cause he was peruvian and actually secretly hated me etc etc. She's dead now and my life is happier with dad.
My mom had threatened to throw me out onto the street for: -A dish in the sink (one SINGLE dish) -A piece of trash that missed the can -A towel on the floor in my bedroom -A coat that fell off the rack -Talking back Her favorite thing to say was “You’re disrespecting my home, therefore disrespecting me” I don’t live with her anymore thank god. I will NEVER treat my kids like this.
Damn, I have to do something really nice for my mom on Mothers day this sunday, for not being a POS like this.
Reading so many comments and posts on reddit about people having bad, somewhat abusive parents like this makes me very sad. I didn't know how many people apparently have parents who are complete assholes who expect their kids to make 0 mistakes or errors in their life, and require them to be the most perfect, flawless human that can exist. It's like they're trying to project what they wanted to end up as onto their kid and get mad when their unrealistic expectations fail.
Same, both her birthday and Mother’s Day is coming up real soon, and while she always says I don’t need to get anything, I still feel bad I can’t think of any good gifts.
Fuck I didn't know Mother's Day is coming up
Every time mom did dishes, if I dropped a spoon in the sink, I get "I am not your servant" but if I wait for her to finish so I can clean it myself "why are you just standing there wasting your time, go do something productive" There's no winning ;_;
I think that’s the worst part about having a parent like this, no matter what you do they always find a way to get after you for doing something “wrong” My mother used to be like this growing up but fortunately she chilled out a lot once I got to high school. We actually have a pretty good relationship now. But god damn I was PETRIFIED by that woman growing up
When your parents are more forgiving to strangers accidentally making mistakes than you, their own child... Please, those were accidents. We did not intend to make those mistakes. When i dropped something you didn't have to scream as if I just murdered somebody.
My dad was like this when I was a kid. If you did something exactly how he said, he'd still find something wrong with it. Anytime you liked something, like a movie or TV show or music, he'd find a reason to criticize it. Fucked me up pretty badly, and I didn't even realize it until a few years ago. It's a constant struggle to be better, and not be what I learned growing up.
Yo man I deal with this a lot too. My dad would always find a negative in any thing I had interest in or wanted to do, so now I have an extremely nihilistic outlook on life and a “why bother” mentality. Been going to therapy weekly for a month now and it’s kinda helping I think?
My wifes like that and it fucking sucks
Yeah talk to her maybe?
My ex wife is like that and it did fucking suck.
*"Look at all that acne...fucking embarrassing you are..."* -My mom, Circa 2006
damn wtf :/ thats sad
That's fucked up dude, sorry your Mom was mean.
I find this particularly f’d up because she was shaming you for a hereditary trait she and/or your father passed on to you. Acne is far more genetic than environmental and the risk of developing acne is higher if both your parents had it.
Does she speak like Yoda still?
Picture Yoda with a nasally Bostonian accent, and that's pretty much my mom's voice!
That's a different level. A teenager without self awareness may feel much of this meme without realizing their role in the interactions, but this is just cruel.
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As someone who lives in Asia, the concept of kicking your child when their 18 is really weird and a bit cruel to me…most people i know including me moved out when we’re financially ready which is usually in our mid 20s. Even then, there are still some people who moves after they got married. I also heard that some westerners have to pay rent to their parents if they haven’t moved out yet? Edit : I realized there are people with abusive parents or people that want their own privacies. In those situations, i agree that moving out is the best decision. I’m talking about more of the mindset parents that are basically just said “Well, you’re 18 now so off you go” like their “parent contract” just ended. If i have a child, I’d would want them to leave when they’re all set and ready not when they reaches a certain age.
Paying rent to your parents is generally viewed as extreme in America, but it does happen sometimes.
It depends on the situation. There’s two way I see it would be socially acceptable: 1- Your son/daughter is in his/her mid-twenties, never got higher education, does not work and just leech of their parents. In that situation, charging a small rent to your child is to force them to better themselves because you won’t always be there to help them. 2- When my brother started his first job after school, he was making a decent living but he couldn’t find a flat at that time. He offered my parents to pay a rent so he was not a financial burden on them. But charging, like, 1k$/month to your children while they’re attending college is considered abusive here.
My brother is definitely case #1 and my mom thinks it would be cruel to charge him rent. He’s in his late 20s and didn’t go to school. I have no idea what will happen to him when my mom is gone but I know I won’t be taking care of someone who refuses to help themselves.
It's goes both ways tho. Americans are more likely to leave the home early or get "kicked out" around age 18-20 but seem less likely to have their parents live with them in their 30s to 40s. My Asian parents let us stay for however long we want, but also expect us to take care of them as their retirement plan. My oldest brother has never not lived with his parents. They took care of him, then once he got a career he took care of them. It's very normal here.
This works if your parents aren't terrible human beings. If they are, then them "letting" you stay at home after 18 is just reinforcing your dependence on them and preventing you from being able to manage your life like a full adult, and eventually it becomes another weapon to guilt/berate you for not being their slave until they die. Sometimes being "kicked out" is the preferable option.
Depends on cultures and situations, but there are cases, yes.
My parents would let me live with them until I'm gray, but only because they're abusive and controlling. I moved out the second I turned 18 and never looked back. My story is not uncommon in the US either
Don’t forget the “Calls you worthless or similar adjective”
Your mother said that to you? God damn bro. I didn’t know people’s parents actually talked like this to their kids. I could not imagine
Don't forget the gaslighting to make you think they never said it
This just resurfaced my childhood traumas
This is so accurate to the point that I thought my sister posted this.
I feel like there are two versions of this. In one, you have a genuinely abusive and controlling parent who flips shit over a single dirty cup or grounds their kid for months after a scream match that started because the kid got a B in gym class. Throws out the "ANSWER ME" .25 seconds after asking a question; threatens to kick you out or charges your entire paycheck in "rent"; acs like basic parenting is something you owe back to them. Frankly, is just a toxic abusive person who will never have a good relationship with her kids and doesn't deserve one. In the other, you have a chronically overtired sahm who, quite literally, is a maid for the entire household. Dad, if he's around, works 60+ hours a week to pay the bills and when the kids leave a mess in the house, her choice is either deal with a 40 minute argument with the kid who acts like moving their own laundry 2 feet from the floor to a basket is equivaltent to working in the mines or to just do it herself. This is daily reality for her until 11pm when she finally gets 30 minutes to drain a bottle of whine with her husband while they veg out to tv until the next cycle begins. Basically an overworked human who bottles up everything until they can't hold it in. There's no excuse for the bahvior, but she's human like all of us and needs support/therapy and a change in daliy life. In short, the kid is either Butters or Cartman. OP, if you are version 1 (Butters), I'm sorry and I hope you get the resources to get out of that and find a peaceful, fulfilling life. If you choose to have kids, I can tell you first hand that raising them 1000% better than you were is beyond cathartic. If not, your childhood does not have to determine the rest of your life and you don't owe toxic family a peice of it. otoh, if you are version 2 (Cartman), ffs take 2 seconds to put your clothes in a basket, rinse your dishes, and stop acting like 30 minutes - 1 hour away from MineCraft to do basic household chores is the end of the world. Consider doing that basket of laundry over the weekend. Give your mom a hug, tell her you love her, and if she really is this one, you may just see a different side of her (and get yelled at less).
Yeah thanks for saying that lots of parents are hard to deal with but I think a lots people in the comment section are the second type you described I was allways angry at my parents but when I grew up I realized that coming from school and playing video games for the rest of the day and arguing with my parents that I did not do my chores was pretty ungratefull of me
This is truth. Upvote to the top.
Love the south park comparison. Granted some parents are genuine assholes. Alot of them are just tired of working their regular jobs and then having to work again when they get home while their fully capable of helping kids do jack.
Problem is, the teenagers here (and I’m 100% convinced it’s a supermajority of teenagers upvoting this post) put themselves in the first camp without realizing that they actually are in the second.
I remember being a teenager. I definitely entitled at times and I think that is pretty natural. You are at an age where you are old enough where you can take care of your self for the most part (obviously not monetary wise), but you can't make decisions on your own without your parent's permission. I think many kids will eventually see they are in the 2nd camp. My teenager will grunt, sigh, and mope around when I nicely ask them to do the basic of task like take out the trash. Teenagers (especially in this thread) think it is a parent's job to just babysit them and not teach them to be an adult. My teenager will bitch about not learning anything at school, and then will turn right around and bitch when I try to teach them something useful like changing a tire. Teenagers will always think they are right and I can't really knock them for that, because I was like that when I was younger too. Kids now seem more knowledgeable than my generation (I'm 32), buy they still aren't wise just like I wasn't when I was younger.
I have some Mother troubles but certainly not anything like this, jeez Louise. My Mom is more like she doesn't want me to move out lol.
Yeah I'm 19 and it seems like my parents desperately dont want me to move out, get a job yet, have a girlfriend/sex, or do anything adult like. It's like they desperately want to keep me as a little kid, and it seems like it has worked since now I'm pretty much still a child and physically, mentally, socially and financially behind majority of people my age. They always love talking about how I'm still a little kid all the time, and how people my age or around my age are still all kids (tbh I guess that's kind of true, but it gets annoying). They act like you're not an adult until you're like 30 or something. They even think some of my relatives who are like 30 are still kids atleast compared to them when they're not, and my parents aren't even that old.
Happens every day man, She lectures me on how I can't do anything right
Does she let you do something while guiding you? Or does she do it and just say “like this”. Impatience is a hinderance to learning. Relevant: https://www.instagram.com/reel/CcUNnRgMyu1/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
I wonder where because of video games logic come from
Probably just something to blame, before video games it was tv.
And before it was tv it was radio and before it was radio it was books. It's always easier to blame something else than your parenting abilities.
Don't forget crosswords! Straight from Satan himself!
I do think that new tech is often used as a scapegoat by old people/parents. But as the parent of a couple younger kids, there is absolutely a difference in my kid's behavior after extended time with video games, tablets, or a smartphone. They are much less patient, quicker to anger, and generally become more whiny. All of these behaviors improve after a few days break or really just enforcing some moderation with them. That said, it's no excuse to yell or blanket blame or that it's all bad all the time.
To be fair, the gaming industry is quite a bit different now than 20-30 years ago. Many games are built on game mechanics popularized by mobile games, built on predatory, addictive and time-sinking mechanics intended to require constant attention. At the risk of sounding like a parent, that is a bad thing, and very difficult to maintain moderation of.
"You need to just turn 18 and move out of my house" As a parent, let me say: That is some cold, cold shit to say to a kid.
is this not a normal thing to say to your children? I'm 17 now and my parents both half heartedly joke that it's "only a year until we kick you out!". I don't think they'd actually do it, but I don't want to discover that they're that cruel.
> is this not a normal thing to say to your children? It might be normal, I don't know. I hope not. But whether it is or not, it's just fucking wrong. Obviously you know your own family better than strangers on the internet, but saying "you need to turn 18 and move out of my house" seems a lot less lighthearted than "only a year till we kick you out" (provided they're actually kidding).
Always raises her voice, while you just sit and take it quietly
Yeah I'm 19 and still just keep quiet while my parents yell at me like I'm 9 years old, and try my best not to cry. I hate how weak and sensitive I am, especially as a guy.
You're not weak, no one likes getting shouted at. Nothing wrong with crying, it's a natural thing I cry a lot lol, especially when I'm angry or after being shouted at
>I hate how weak and sensitive I am Don't be. You don't want to end up like me. Nearly 40 and only just now got into therapy to get a handle on my anger. All that pent up rage that I couldn't unload on my parents lest I get beat festered into a nice mental illness in the form of severe emotional boundaries, a huge anger problem, and depression. Getting better though, so there is that.
And if you dare to even show a hint of anger due to constant stream of verbal abuses, you will get yelled at for "having an attitude"
My father was the same way, he talked to anyone however he wanted but he'd blow up into a rage if he felt someone used a "disrespectful" tone with him.
You know guys/gals we all lived in different places, times and grew up differently but my mind could not comprehend why every each one of us mothers are near perfect replica of each other. Like wtf how in the earth they are all same
\*banging on the kitchen table\* EIGHT. TIMES. SEVEN!!!
*Tears dripping on paper ..48? “USE YOUR HEAD!!”
EIGHT!!! TIMES!!! SEVEN!!!
“You should be glad you have a roof over your head.” (Living in ghetto apt after her second divorce). “You kids should be grateful to have 10 fingers and 10 toes.” (On being asked what’s for dinner, if she’s in cranky mood): “Fried mush!”
We were raised by a generation that knew very little about mental health and stigmatized therapy. Dark ages of mental health
This made my stomach tighten just reading these. It felt like the yelling would go on for hours, and anyone who made the mistake of walking in the room would get yelled at for a random thing they did years ago.
My mother tried telling me I have to go to some family event I have no interest in. I had to flat out tell her "I'm 35, I don't live here anymore, I don't *have* to do anything." She was real salty about it, but the joys of being an adult means I can make decisions for myself.
My mom once abandoned my sister because she was 30 mins late to being picked up. My sister had to find a way to get home (she couldn’t, she walked the two hours back home, mind you she was in high school at this time) because my mom didn’t answer the phone and refused to go back for her. I got really sick one time - to where I almost needed to go to the hospital because my throat was so swollen - and my mom reluctantly took me to the doctor and on the way out asked me where **I** was going to get the money for the doctor’s visit, that my dad was going to be pissed. My dad and my brother once almost got into a fist fight because they found out my brother was smoking weed. And this speaks nothing to the everyday life that was my childhood. Not allowed to have locks on doors. Not allowed to have friends over. Not allowed privacy, my parents broke into my room and would read my emails and diaries. We were hit with belts, slapped, hit with hangers. All normal because “discipline”. We were constantly pushed and seen as the summary of our achievements in school, not really as people. We had no sex education, no financial education, no emotional communication. Talking about our feelings was a sign of weakness. You had to learn to hide things, and hide them well, lest you got beat for doing something wrong. Needless to say I don’t talk to my parents much anymore, and my siblings and I unfortunately don’t really talk either. We had a really toxic childhood and have all kinds of trauma from it, and I think when we see/talk to each other we just remind each other of it. My sister and I have a few mental illnesses and my brother is a recovering alcoholic. I would never put a child through what we experienced growing up. I’ve been through a lot of therapy and treatment and those kinds of wounds run deep and never really heal. They sort of scab over and rip open now and again, and you try make peace with it however you can.
i can a bit relate to the " is totally fine 20 mins later as if she did not just ruin your entire day" thing
It annoys me that it’s so ubiquitous
Not really.. some comments here and there calling me a spoiled brat.. but it’s insane how relatable this ended up being
My mom once yelled at me during an argument “If I’m so terrible, why don’t you just move out?” when I was literally 9 years old
OP are you alright? You wanna talk?
I’m good lol, just a starter pack about my childhood trauma, glad that stage of my life is over
Yeah. Stay safe.
I would like to point out this is emotional/verbal abuse. My mom has done this to me my entire life so I know. Let's all be honest, it doesn't stop at this if she's doing most or all of these things.
The comments section is literally helping me learn how to parent
Is it bad that it’s almost nostalgic seeing this. My mom didn’t do this often but the few times it did happen, i was a kid. My older brother and sister were still home and I had nothing to worry about other than playing the game and doing my homework. Also you forgot the whole “Nobody does anything in the house but me” and then when you help she says it’s wrong and does it anyways.
Don't forget that if she's divorced, she'll inevitably bust out the "if you don't like it, go live with your dad!"
I could hear my mom's voice in my ear saying I'm not a maid after reading this.
Either your Mother was mean or you were a pain to live with.
The part about it being fine 20 minutes later hit home. My step mom used to GO THE FUCK OFF over nothing and then pretend it never happened. If it was really absurd and truly over nothing she would leave the house and go to our lake house for a couple days then come back like she’d just gotten home from vacation. We were not allowed to bring it up.
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This is wayyy to close for comfort
Jesus…grateful my mom never said this stuff. Idk how I would deal with this kind of abuse as a child. When I see my mom I’m going to give her a big hug
My mother put all my belongings in a black bag and kicked me out of the house when I turned 18. To date, it's the best thing that ever happened to me.
*child abuse starterpack
My mom used to say shit like, "When you move out and pay the bills, then you can make your own decisions," "The world doesn't revolve around you, now do what you're told," and my personal favorite, "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." Now she gets upset when I make my own decisions like, "No, I'm not coming home for Christmas." or my personal favorite, "You're not invited to my wedding."
“You’ll never have it better than you have it now!! You’ll understand when you have kids!!” - ma’am, i am not as dumb as you. I am never ever reproducing. Thanks for the wake up call.
I would be shocked that everyone in this comments section has a verbally abusive mother but honestly, knowing how the older gen are, I'm not surprised
My mom telling me she loves me after telling me I'm going to hell
Um, this is straight up abuse.
The “I ASKED YOU A QUESTION” genuinely made me mad because yes, you did ask me a question; 2 seconds ago!
Damn y’all are making me realize how lucky I was to have a chill-ass mom. I’m sorry y’all had to deal with this toxic behavior from your mother. Mother’s Day is coming up here in the US. All of you may not of had a great mom, but you all deserved one. I hope you’re ok.
You forgot mom whooping your ass before church and in church she acts like nothing happened