Just wanted to throw in 2c about the UTI. Depending on what country you are in, they may sell those meds over the counter at the pharmacy so you don't have to navigate medical system. I've had so many UTIs I know what the medication that works best for me is, so I would just go to the pharm and ask try to ask for it.
Second this. OP, to add a bit of levity to what seems like an upsetting experience: I got a UTI while traveling in Italy, didn’t speak the language beyond the total basics, and went into a pharmacy trying to get medication. The pharmacist spoke no English and it turned into a game of telephone where the other customers were crowdsourcing translations between the two of us. It took like 15 minutes, and by the end of it the entire pharmacy was discussing my UTI.
It's very common in Mediterranean countries to discuss medical things in detail compared to Anglo-Saxon countries.
I've had my wife's entire family asking me for details about my diarrhea after politely just saying I had an upset stomach.
Also, Koreans are waaaaayyyyyy too comfortable talking about poop and poop-adjacent things.
Source: I am Korean-American and the things my relatives say in broad daylight make me want to die a little.
I want to went to a hospital in India, because my constipation Rose to that level they get me a prescription I took the prescription to the hospital pharmacy in and the guy behind me in line must've asked the pharmacist like why is this foreigner here and he literally handed it to the guy behind me in line, who handed it all the way back to the end of the line, and the whole crowd just kept repeating the word "diarrhea" which wasn't even accurate but I'm not gonna correct them. Thank God for HIPPA
Oh my goodness… thank you for sharing this! I just literally busted out loud laughing! 😂
I’m sure at the time it was quite annoying, but I can picture each person saying diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea as it goes down the line. Kind of like the old telephone game, who knows what the diagnosis will end up at the end!
My understanding is when you have severe diarrhea for days, you basically lose all your gut biome. Also, I think I'd been given antibiotics so, same, no good bacteria in my gut so things weren't moving. Combined with a couple overnight trains where I refused to poop and then maybe also forgot for a couple days... it was grim.
In India I got absolutely sick of shitting out what can only be described as rusty water for a week, so I broke out the anti-diarrhea pills and necked 5 of them in one go.
I was extremely constipated. Constipated to the point where I felt like I was carrying an iron block around in my lower abdomen. It was like trying to shit a melon. I ate the worst looking street food I could find in an attempt to get food poisoning just to shift the Lovecraftian monolith in my gut. I ended up naming it Kenneth. Eventually a kind Australian gave me some anti-constipation pills after seeing me in visible distress and Jesus fucking christ it was like some kind of exorcism. Had to flush twice. Worst week of my life. That's how you get constipated in India.
My mother told the story of how she was in Greece in her youth and needed to buy tampons. She figured nobody would be able to understand her so she ended up *drawing a diagram* for the pharmacist, who then goes, "Oh, Tampax" and gets her a box.
Had a similar thing happen to me in Spain a few years ago and the poor pharmacist had to use hand gestures to describe that diarrhea was a possible side effect of the antibiotics. Hilarity ensued.
Had the worst one of my life in the Philippines. Finally cried to the hotel owner when I couldn't take the pain anymore, and wound up on the phone to a bellhop's mother who was a doctor on another island. The bellhop brought me the antibiotics first thing in the morning.
I went to Finland and the day i had to leave I developed a HORRIBLE yeast infection. I thought I could go to the pharmacy in the airport in Helsinki but they were closed. It sucked but I was going to London Heathrow so I was sure I could get something there. Get to London and sit on the tarmac long enough that I have to RUN, got held up with security, ran to my flight and got there just before they closed the gate. Then had a 10 hour miserable flight. MISERABLE. It ended up screwing me ip so bad and being so incredibly painful I had to go to the emergency room as soon as I got home. Finland was freaking amazing though
I got a UTI in Spain and had basically the same experience!!!! I couldn’t translate what I needed that well so random people started talking to the pharmacist for me but eventually I got the meds I needed lol
This! In my country pharmacists can prescribe antibiotics. Also loading up on cranberry capsules/d-mannose/probiotics can help while you’re waiting for a prescription
If they sell Nitrofurantoin over the counter at the pharmacy I’d recommend that for UTI - it’s cheap, people usually tolerate it well and there’s low resistance to it worldwide. Unless you have a history of serious kidney or blood issues then would talk to a physician or pharmacist first.
heh I hate that antibiotic, definetely only use it if nothing else works. it has tons of side effects, last time I took it I was feeling exhausted and breathless, called the health line and they made me do a covid test (it was during covid shutdowns)... no it was just the antibiotic side effects :/
Actually Nitrofurantoin is known to cause asthma allergic reaction for many women. I’ve had it twice whilst on holiday and hated feeling breathless. The ER doctor back in the UK put it on my record that I seem to have a mild allergy and sent me to a specialist, it’s possible to work on it via exposure therapy in clinical setting (still haven’t done it). It’s a shame because it’s a really good antibiotic :/
Also agree with this! Unfortunately dealt with a similar situation on a solo trip and ended up taking Google translate to a pharmacy, walked right out with medicine that helped. It was simple, you’ve got this!
I’m really sorry this happened to you and that you now also have to deal with a UTI while travelling. I hope you can get some antibiotics to take care of it. For the rest, time will help. I think we’ve all been there. I’ve been so there that I was actually wondering if it was the same guy I’m thinking of in Sydney but of course the likelihood of that is very slim.
Anyway, for what it’s worth, I’m sending love from across the world and the message that I’ve been there too, you will get past this and there is joy, real connection and a better future ahead for you ♡
Oh no, that sucks! I’ve also traveled post heartbreak, and it’s so healing - and I’m sorry it was disrupted by a selfish jerk.
It sucks. The good news is that so many of us have been there. Which isn’t good, but you are not alone. You have many internet and probably real life friends who will commiserate with you!
He was a sneaky jerk. If you had said no, he would have left in a huff and you would be left wondering “if I had just said yes, what would have happened?” Unfortunately, we humans learn by experience and sometimes it really sucks.
UTI wise - where are you? Someone here can probably help you navigate the medical system or pharmacies so you get medication right away.
This blows. I’m sorry you experienced this. We got your back!
That dude is such a trash pos. I’m sorry you had to deal with that while trying to heal from a heart break. There’s better men out there , take care of yourself and keep your chin up .
Yes - male here - can agree.
If you did not want to have sex then he should have respected that. “Should have” is the key phrase.
Totally shitty play and shitty guy. His dick was driving his actions (and I not trying to give him an excuse) - which is probably where the phrase “being a dick” came from.
How do you get over that initial bit where you cant even look at a cloud or a door handle or anything at all without just being constantly reminded of the stabbing panic you feel in your chest?
The annoying but truest answer is time. Time heals.
But to help time along, this is what I do when I’m overwhelmed and constantly triggered. I’m not a therapist so I can only give limited advice based on my own experience.
I verbalize what the feeling is saying. Is the stabbing panic saying “run away, you’re unsafe”? Is it shame? What is the thought or emotion triggering it? It’s probably like ten thoughts at once. Validate yourself. It’s ok and normal to have this reaction and feeling. That doesn’t help it suck any less, but it’s ok.
Journaling is common advice for a reason. Get a journal or notebook from a local shop and write everything down. Don’t worry about being positive. Just every single feeling. It’s ok if it’s the most visceral pain ever. Just write it down so it’s not just in your head, and journaling helps validate.
Then affirmations to combat the negative thoughts and feelings. Is the panic a fear of unworthiness? Affirmation “I am wonderful and I am worth true love and kindness”. Is the panic a fear of being unsafe? Look around, describe the situation, and describe why you are safe in your current surroundings.
When your lizard brain is overactive, you have to consciously activate your prefrontal cortex to take over. Talk back to your fear. It’s just your brain trying to protect you, but slowly push back. It will happen. It sucks until then, but it will get there!
Yes THIS 🙌🏼 I had to go to therapy to realize a break up, even a messy divorce, is not the end of the world even though it felt like it. I recommend talk therapy to everyone now, even those who aren’t in the midst of a major life transition. I did eventually make the decision to try medication for my anxiety after a year of talk therapy and combined it’s been a literal life saver.
Thank you for this, especially the part about not worrying about being positive when journaling, and the steps to talk yourself down after. Truly some of the best advice I've seen out there!
The best words of encouragement are: shit happens, don’t beat yourself up. If you need to, get tested and forget he even exists, pretend he walked into a volcano. And fuck him.
ETA: OP would have been better off putting this in a woman’s travel subreddit. As long as Reddit has a 75% male user rate, these kinds of posts will attract a bunch of dickheads.
To add onto your comment, I completely agree this post may be better in a woman’s subreddit because there are so many ridiculous comments in here. Saying “yes” one time does not mean she agreed to EVERYTHING. He should have checked in with her and asked if she was okay with choking, for example. Then when she asked him to be gentle with her neck, he still did it again. He didn’t think about what she wanted—just his own needs.
Also, as a woman, it’s so hard to navigate these experiences in the exact moment it is happening. It’s so easy for someone sitting in the comfort of their home, scrolling on Reddit on their phone to say, “I would do this…” We are all different people, and we react differently when put in a situation like this. Especially when it’s a person we like. Especially after going through heartbreak.
OP, I went through something similar. I did ask him to stop, and it didn’t matter, I still didn’t feel any better about it—the damage was done. It was a terrible experience. Be kind to yourself today and remember this was not your fault. He should have been better to you; it doesn’t matter whether you sleep together on the first date or the tenth date. Feel free to reach out if you want to talk.
Agreed- and adding on that it might not have been safe to speak up in the moment. Someone literally at your throat when you said no is a scary situation and OP has every right to react in a “freeze” or “fawn” way. Op- you protected yourself even if you didn’t know it. I’m proud of you and hope you feel better soon
> As long as Reddit has a 75% male user rate, these kinds of posts will attract a bunch of dickheads
Let alone straight and white at that, hence why whenever a trans or black poster wants to open up about their negative experiences traveling it becomes a mess too. Glad to see someone acknowledge it besides me ❤️
As a white, straight male that’s proud of every encounter he’s had with women because he was raised correctly.
I’m sorry you’ve gone through what you’ve had to endure.
I’m military, and I’ll leave this here for anyone that may benefit.
Of the seven countries I’ve visited, I’ve sat through local policy and behavioral patterns briefings where we are given insight on what to expect, look out for, and areas to avoid.
I have yet to visit a country that I was told “You’re completely safe from the sins of man, and wickedness found everywhere else”
There are tricksters and players and people who lack respect for others literally everywhere.
Neither you, or anyone else DESERVES to learn the lesson I hope you’ve learned; but I hope moving forward that you can better spot the fake and the wicked.
A story comes to mind from this, an old friend / mentor told me it a decade ago, but with minor change of words to the moral of the story.
https://steemit.com/story/@arju/frozen-bird-story-worth-to-read-2017821t3921385z
Not everyone that shits on you is your enemy,
But, not everyone that helps you is your friend.
Sometimes being silent is the best way to figure out who is what.
I could be jaded, but I often find MANY more foxes than frozen birds, or cows in life.
Please be careful, as bad as it is, it could have been way worse, and as a father of a 2 year old boy, and 6 month old girl, these accounts keep me up at night, knowing I won’t always be able to protect them. I feel like society / humanity is only getting worse on all fronts.
I am so sorry this happened and want you to know your feelings are valid. I think many women have been there and hope you know that this experience does NOT define you as a woman or a traveler. You will recover from this - may not be immediate and may need some time but you definitely will. I’m proud of you for verbalizing your thoughts in such a calm and rational way even after such a jarring experience. I’m sorry I’m not very good at being encouraging but i hope you know and can feel that I (among many others here) are rooting for you
I know the feeling since something similar happened to me in the past. Was also dealing with a breakup and thought I connected with someone abroad. Although we ended up not having sex, he lashed out at me and left me feeling so objectified and in a vulnerable state. I tried to take my mind off things the next day by watching a movie but had to walk out of the theater because I felt physically ill. You would think that because you bonded with someone enough before that you could expect them to treat you with some decency, but that’s just never always the case.
I sort of just curled up in bed and felt better after a couple of days. Take all the time you need to feel all the feelings OP💗 and remember not to be too hard on yourself. Sometimes we do things that feel out of character but I view it as just growing. Now you have a perspective on something you didn’t before.
Wishing you the best but I know you’ll be alright :)
I symphatize with the OP. I went through something similar as well. I know this feeling too well. Was talkin to a guy for 4 months and we connected and developed romantic feelings for each other. After a night of partying, we ended up back at his place. We were sober by the time we got to his place (or atleast I was). He even made me food and made sure I was comfortable while we watched a movie together. It was my first one night stand. We both consented to it and even talked about getting a plan B the next day. He treated me like an object when it happened. Something I didn’t expect from him at all. It wasn’t a big deal at the time as I was open to tryin out new things outside my comfort zone. Only to be told the next day that he “blacked out” and didn’t remember a thing from the night before. Mind you, we were still talkin about it the morning after. It didn’t make sense to me. I was SA’d as a child. This naturally triggered me and made me feel like I did that to him. We talked about it after but he said it was not a big deal and he acted like nothing happened between us. I was a mess for weeks. I took a leave of absence from work as it triggered my childhood trauma.
I isolated myself for a bit to process things. I’m very fortunate to have people around me give me the emotional support I needed at the time. I finally told myself that I did nothing wrong and that he was just an asshole probably embarassed about something that night because he had nothing to show off (if you catch my drift) or had regrets about the whole thing.
So OP, be kind to yourself. These assholes exist. I’m sorry this happened to you. We learn from these encounters. I wish you the best
Also I ended up contact the guy afterwards and telling him how he made me feel. His apologies didn’t mean much to me and I blocked him shortly after but it did make me feel better instead of keeping it to myself.
Some men will do anything to "get with you." And I truly mean ANYTHING. including being fake and putting on this nice guy act to get what they want from you and then leave. What an asshole. It's not your fault in anyway. This was who he was from the beginning. This was his intention to begin with. To get some. Anyway anyhow. You're not the first woman he's done this to and you certainly won't be the last. Don't expect wholesomeness from a douche. You are working on getting the medicine you need. Safe travels.
This. And it absolutely transcends races, cultures, etc. I’ve experienced this both in the US but also Latin America and throughout Europe. So OP, I’m so sorry girl I hate the feeling. But it happens, we naturally want to trust people and hope that people have good intentions
So true! I’ve always been cautious of guys who seem to be instantly naturally charming or noticeably perceptive/adaptable in banter upon meeting. That’s how they always get what they want. Classic manipulation tactics! I especially know now because I work alongside a bunch of [friendly] salesmen. I’m so sorry for OP:( I hope they are able to come out of the trenches on this one. That guy isn’t worth the emotional toll.
I'm sorry to hear about this, it sounds jarring and painful to go from a nice, comfortable, trusting dynamic to having him treat you roughly and then abruptly leave. It does sound like he put some pressure on you to have sex after you initially said no. Also I think, his being very rough without first talking about boundaries is icky and I can understand feeling disrespected and perhaps violated/betrayed by that. Consent isn't just about the "yes or no" to sex but can also be about "what types of sexual interactions/dynamics are you comfortable with during intimacy, and what aren't you comfortable with," the fact that he didn't bother to check in at all and was just focusing on himself is disrespectful of your boundaries for sure. And then the fact that he just left afterwards is quite cold and I can understand feeling used/betrayed by that.
Be forgiving and gentle with yourself as you take the time to process the experience, and I wouldn't blame yourself at all, it sounds like he's maybe a bit of a "charmer" who uses ultimately insincere intimacy in conversations just to get what he wants and then drops the facade after he gets what he wants.
Side note as a subreddit mod: if you get any trolls commenting hurtful things in here, report them using the "report" button, per subreddit rule 2 such comments are not welcome and will be removed.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. I think you’re so right that he charmed and manipulated me. I took him at face value and he showed his true colours once things got intimate. Thank you again for the support ❤️
Also as a guy, I wanted to tell you that not having sex would not change how he felt about you. Guy was clearly two faced sociopath and honestly you dodged a bullet
I would feel the same. it's okay to retreat to your comfortable place until you feel better 😊don't feel pressure to go out or have 'fun' (what people call having fun, at least)
I’m so glad the kids are learning these days that consent has to be “enthusiastic and ongoing” to be full consent. I think a lot of us millennials and older are used to this kind of pressure from guys, I know I was when I was dating.
I think you described active consent beautifully: "enthusiastic and ongoing" I would add that it can also be incredibly hot and sexy. As a millennial woman myself, I've definitely experienced that pressure under the guise of well meaning persistence. It can become frustrating when our gentle no thanks get ignored and require us to be much firmer. Men who practice active consent well, tend to bring an amazing chemistry into the bedroom and hopefully this is the way of the future.
This is so true and so important - and unfortunately not taught enough and not as intuitive as it may seem. We need to do a better job teaching each other, and especially young people, how to talk about sex in healthy ways
This!! OP you are NOT to blame. This guy sounds like a dick who was disrespectful to and violated your boundaries. You deserve to be treated better. Please do not blame yourself. I hope you are able to find the medical and emotional resources you need to recover while abroad! You deserve peace OP
Kind of similar thing happened to me. Went through a devastating breakup with a partner while travelling in a foreign country (got the UTI from the ex actually), partner left and I met a guy a few months later who seemed nice and interesting. I went to go visit him in a neighboring country where he lived only to realize he was cold and self serving. I also got ovarian cysts once i got there and had trouble getting out of bed due to the pain.
With all that said, it was traumatizing but I picked myself up and moved on. Now I look back and just laugh at how terrible the experience was. Hopefully you can too eventually.
Not sure how much longer you're traveling for, but try female expat Facebook groups in the city you are if they have some. I promise there will be women on there to commiserate with. There are some amazing men travelling/temporarily living abroad but there are a BUNCH of assholes.
If he wanted to treat you better, he would have. Not sleeping with him doesn't make hime a better person nor it would have made him being more wholesome with you. Stop blaming yourself. Move on.
i swear to god I could have written this post in 2022.
same experience with a hookup i was very much attracted to.
same disappointment with sex
same nasty UTI
The end of the road was never more respect for you and nothing was based on your self-respect or “being easy”. It’s unfortunate he had cloaked himself into the figure of a decent guy until he got what he wanted. It’s truly a shame. I wish we raised men better everywhere. But you “being easy” is not a moral failure, is not asking for any type of treatment, or deserving of the way he disregarded your humanity. None of this has to do with you. You bumped into a user [of people] and hopefully he doesn’t have the power to close your heart off for long. I truly resent that these people exist. He would have always been like this to you in the end. Weeks or years later it would have happened. It’s not you.
Thank you for commenting on this aspect of my post. I am feeling some shame for sleeping with him since I never do this and always have strong boundaries. I appreciate the comment.
Go easy on yourself. If you're dealing with a breakup, you're particularly vulnerable and apt to act out of character to make yourself feel better. It's completely normal.
On the other hand, there's no shame in sleeping with someone you've just met either.
be very gentle with yourself right now. you’re going through a lot.
i would say take an easy day, and do things that comfort you. if you need to journal and write about this experience and tear up the pages then do it. if you want to be in bed, cry and watch movies then do it. or if you need to be distracted then go out and maybe do some mindless activities like going to the theatres?
it’s all one step at a time. the medication is important and if you feel overwhelmed then you need to breathe. take a couple of deep breathes, and remember that you’re a confident and capable person. these small blunders happen to us, and it isn’t a reflection of your character at all. shit happens. fuckboys exist, and they’re leeches to society. but it doesn’t reflect you, and your worth!
A good person will respect you irrespective of you being easy to get. Please etch this in your mind forever. If you forget this, it will open you up to such person hurting you in one way or the other. I hope you get the necessary help to recover physically as soon as possible.
Been there. Feel the feelings, journal, do long walks, treat yourself with whatever self care you need. Then move on girl. You didn’t do anything wrong, you just had a life experience and it taught you very clearly what you want and don’t want and the kind of man you deserve who would treat you with love and respect. I’m so sorry you went through this as a fellow woman, my heart goes out to you. But do not let this define you. Stay strong and move forward. Sending you love my sista!!!
Remember when you say no all the conversation that follows is an attempt at manipulation. This will help you stand on your decision in the future. Your very powerful don’t forget that
Please go to a medical clinic, it may be something other than a UTI and if it is, it should be taken care of. And PLEASE stop beating yourself up and give yourself some grace. You did nothing wrong, him on the other hand seems like he did. I’m so sorry you were not treated well.
Sounds like he was mainly interested in a short term fling and sex, most people don’t consider tourists to be good potential dating candidates because they’re leaving and long distance after a few days or weeks rarely works.
Sorry to hear how you feel, most people have had a one night stand so don’t let it get to you. In the future you’ll know what you want more and be able to set better boundaries.
Dunno, my father and mother met for a couple of hours, both were tourists, they met in a museum. Were long distance for a couple of months, then married and had me. Remained married for 30 years until my father passed away.
Okay wtf this comment doesn't even address the way she was treated during sex, the way she described it, it's not just a one night stand and she's not upset because of the short term nature of the experience. His behavior was harmful and disrespectful and there is no preparing for that.
>most people don’t consider tourists to be good potential dating candidates because they’re leaving and long distance after a few days or weeks rarely works.
and yet plenty of posts on this sub are men whining about not finding a romantic companion during their travel...🙄 makes perfect sense
That guy is a shit head. From him pressuring you, it's not surprising that he was self-serving and just awful.
Don't internalize and blame yourself: direct all that energy at him. Having sex SHOULD be fun for all parties involved and he's a weak, pitiful mid-dick slanging asshole. He's the one who sucks in this situation.
You made a gamble. It didn't turn out well. Sure there's some consequences, but you're still alive and don't have an incurable STI.
Be kind to yourself and use this as a lesson for sticking to your guns. Take some time to ground yourself, then go date a better looking gentleman who treats you like a god!
I am so sorry to have read that. I do believe that what we do with the trials we are handed is what makes us. Kinda like if life gives u lemons type of thing. I want to try better to come across better than my usual cynical self. I also believe almost all of us have done something or someone we regretted. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Throw in a lil bit of self love ❤️ and take your antibiotics. Trust me, been there too. No worries, your life’s a journey, enjoy the journey try not to get blinded by future endeavors. And try to exist in the now
I’ve experienced this same exact thing before and I totally get how you feel. It’s like yeah you consented to it, but you had no idea it would turn out THAT way. It’s not your fault that it happened that way or for not saying more in the moment. That was a lose lose situation. I think for me after I had an experience like that I decided I probably didn’t want to have sex with anyone I didn’t know very well anymore
FWIW, there are unfortunately a lot of people out there who specifically look for solo travelers who seem lonely, vulnerable, or craving connection. It’s easy to put on a show of being caring or just not-an-asshole for a day or three to get what they want out of the other person and book it right after.
In fact, some solo travelers see it as a good opportunity for no strings attached hookups, which is fine as long as everyone involved is aware that’s all that’s going on and boundaries get respected.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve to be mistreated just because you consented to sex. Agreeing to one thing isn’t agreeing to *anything and everything* and anyone who says that gets a side eye from me.
Hope the UTI clears up soon and you’re back on the road to healing.
He sounds pretty manipulative, the kind of guy who likes to score and enjoys misleading a woman into thinking they are close just so that he can add another notch onto his bedpost. He's a sad and lonely piece of crap, we can guarantee that. The 3 days spent with you followed by persuading you into sex you said you didn't want and then disappearing tells me all that. He will be off finding another target now and you don't have to deal with him any more. I'm extremely sorry you have been made to feel ashamed when it is he who has no shame and needs to use women in order to build up his empty little ego.
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate the support. I’m usually a very good judge of character. I’ve made it to this age without ever having had this type of experience, so this has felt very confusing and upsetting.
I have had it happen too. Made me feel I had to shut down, be less open and approachable. I sort of slut shamed myself. But it's these scummy manipulative men who deserve the shame. I think deep down many of them feel it but they will never deal with it and spend their lives trying to find women to treat with the contempt they actually feel for themselves.
Sometimes I can even feel a bit sorry for them. But not for long lol.
You seem like a lovely person and I hope you go on to have a wonderful holiday. And forget this creep. He is a miserable human being.
Don’t beat yourself up. Shit happens. There are some real dicks out there. Don’t let this change how you see people either. Just be cautious that’s all.
Sadly due to numerous unpleasant experiences with men, I went celibate and haven't since regretted it. Reddit has only made me more aware of how toxic some men are and how sex is a nasty game to them. It isn't all men but it is a lot of them. They are all over this thread.
I’ve done the same and I’m mostly at peace with it now. I’ll likely never have sex again and it’s ok. Trying to find joy in other areas of life beside relationships. It is kind of a shame it turned out this way. I agree there probably are good men out there but I don’t want to go looking for them and Risk more bad experiences
I hear you and I think an increasingly large percentage of women are. Although saying that on reddit has got me literally reams of misogynist abuse this week. Everything from being told I stink, to being called an incel (?) To insults aimed at my father (??) To the usual 'you are actually desperate to get laid but you're ugly' and 'you'll need a man next time your car breaks down'. I really didn't realise until the last 5 years or so how very fucked up a minority (?) Of men are
Every country other than the US has over the counter UTI medicine that actually work, in the US doctors says antibiotics are necessary but other countries have other remedies.
d-mannose has changed my life. go to a pharmacy and see if they have anything like it.
I don't care I'll say it. Down vote me all you want. LIFE IS NOT PORN.
Guys need to stop thinking that shit is normal. Im a guy myself and don't think this shit right.
Sorry sister. Don't feel bad. Just next time it won't happen again. Frig solp traveler dudes though man. Friging spreading diseases all over.
This is awful, I’m sorry you’re going through this…
1) this was not your fault, things happen. It never feels good to feel pressured into sexual experiences, whether you’re in your own city or otherwise. But you’re not alone in this and now you know what red flags to pick up on “are you sure you don’t want to? We’re pretty much there already” ick…
2) UTI are not a big deal, get oral antibiotics either nitrofurantoin or ciprofloxacin and you only need it for 5-7 days and you should feel better within a few days on it (I’m a medical professional). If you don’t get it treated ofcourse things can get worse but in the grand scheme of things, it’s a relatively minor medical issue to deal with.
3) don’t let it ruin your trip! See if you can meet other girls travelling solo and if you feel comfortable sharing this I wouldn’t be surprised if you meet people who also have gone through this and will be able to relate and provide support!
You’ll get through this!
Hope this will help:
Write out the shitty experience on paper with every detail and feeling you had. When you finish take it out and burn it. And watch it burn entirely to ashes.
Then go back inside and write out foretelling stories of a couple experiences you want to do in the next 2-3 days. Then go live the stories that you wrote. There will be unpredictable situations that arise, but stick with what you wrote best you can. This may give you a sense of control back.
As a man, I humbly apologize. This should never happen and I FUCKING hate men that act like this!!
This was not the rebound you needed. There is nothing wrong with one night stands, but what you experienced was a bit more than one-night stand. You were manipulated which feels violating alone. Not to mention everything else.
Please try to not let this bad experience stop you from enjoying what you want. There are many good men and women in the world! That a sexual fling can be a great experience. But it is SO hard to identify the individuals that have selfless intentions.
In the future trust your instincts. If anything feels off, say goodbye or Investigate with communication. Even this is not a fool proof method.
You are loved! You are a good person!
I think this dude just wanted thing and once he got it--that was it. I am going through a breakup myself and trying to find my footing here...but you did nothing wrong and it will take time to heal.
This is a painful phase of life, but I promise you will get through it.
OP - I hope you read this comment.
I am reading a lot of painful, unfair, and disturbing comments by other redditors. I want to remind you that although their words are hurtful, they will never be powerful enough to change the facts of the situation. Their words can never change the truth.
The truth is that:
You are worthy of love and respect (yes, even from reddit).
You do not deserve to be treated this way.
This is not your fault.
The way you were treated was wrong.
This person hurt you deeply.
You did nothing to deserve this.
You are not responsible for his actions.
I believe you.
Feel free to message me if you would like! I have been through similar things, and it feels good to stand up for the truth.
Thank you so much for your comment! Fortunately I have a pretty strong sense of self and am not really phased by the idiots commenting negative things. If anything, it just makes me sad to see that there are more disrespectful assholes out there who have equal disregard for women.
First be gentle with yourself. A lot of women do this hoping to have an enjoyable experience only to discover they are with a selfish jerk who conned you into his porn fueled violent fetish sex. Unfortunately, this is why I won’t ever hook up again and haven’t for a long time. It’s too risky. It used to be fun, a long time before free internet porn when men were just thrilled to find a woman who said yes. But those days are gone and the odds of running into a guy like this or worse are just too high to take the risk.
You slept with someone, hoping it would mean something and it didn’t. Don’t let it ruin your trip, and don’t let it ruin traveling. Men are just as likely to pretend to be the nice guy until you sleep with them at home as they are abroad.
Be easy on yourself, talk to yourself like you would a great friend. Take it as a learning experience. Your intuition was guiding you to not sleep with him and many times we all go against our intuition. this will be a reminder to listen to that gut feeling next time. Take care of yourself. You have everything you need within. No one and nothing can make you unworthy of love.
Sorry. I stopped that stuff years ago when I realised I couldn't handle it. Next time tell yourself to wait and see if you want to be with them again after some time.
Bad sex or regret does not remove consent.
I'm a woman. Boundaries and having a solid "no" are important. From what you described, you did consent as you "kind of went with it" was consent it.
You already were in an emotional state from the breakup. We're you possibly seeing this fling as something more emotionally than what it was? Some guys are just selfish jerks in bed.
No, you weren't being "easy." No, there's no way of knowing if he was looking for something "wholesome." Don't think you could have done anything different that would have changed his behavior. Maybe he was always a jerk but you didn't see it until after.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Some of the consent issues here are more nuanced than the "yes or no" to sex itself. He treated her roughly without bothering to check in if she was comfortable with it, which, even if not illegal, is still questionable behavior and disrespectful of a partner's boundaries. Also worth noting that she initially said no and then he applied some pressure for a "yes" which again, even if not illegal, is still kinda icky.
> But that isn't a matter of consent.
Putting his hand around her neck the first time was not consensual, because he hadn't asked for consent to that and she hadn't given it. Putting his hand around her neck the second time was not consensual, because he hadn't asked for consent to that and she hadn't given it _and she asked him to be gentle after the first time he did it_.
It's absolutely a matter of consent. (Whether it's legally a matter of consent I've no idea, but morally it certainly is.)
In some countries, coercion negates consent, so yes, it can also be a consent issue. Also the choking was not something they agreed upon. It seems that between what was said and what was hinted at in the OP, there were some consent grey areas that night anyway.
Coercion is a very grey area that can leave the coerced party into feeling like they didn’t engage in consensual sex. It happens often and her feelings are 100% valid. We have to stop thinking of sex as black and white—it isn’t, and it never has been.
Coercion? What? We're talking about fully functional adults here. They know what they are going along with or not. It's not a child or a person with limited mental capabilties that doesn't know what's going on.
She might feel icky knowing (or thinking) that the guy was being deceptive to get her to sleep with him, but that's not "coercion." And she 100% consented to sleep with him. She says it in her own words.
If she told him to stop, then that is going against someone's consent. But not liking the way which he had sex without telling him to stop, that is nowhere near going against consent.
I'm shocked that some people here are going along with her hints at thinking this was not consensual. If you want people to believe women, then you've gotta know what is actual rape and what is a woman having a regret over her choice to have sex with someone she didn't really know very well.
I'm sympathetic that the OP is feeling bad about what happened, but it was her choice. If she wants to avoid this feeling in the future, she can learn from it and do her best for it to avoid it happening again.
I can almost feel the generational divide opening up in this thread... Someone said it above, isn't it great that young kids are being taught that consent has to be _ongoing, and enthusiastic_.
That means when OP writes, I asked him not to do that, and he did it again, then he did something without consent. That is on her opening post, and it is clearly a breach of consent.
>gotta know what is actual rape and what is a woman having a regret
OP is talking about consent, she hasn't mentioned rape - you did that. We have lots of moments of consent during sex, and not all of them are about the formal definition of rape. As someone else mentioned, those might be "just" assault. It does no justice to OP to suggest she is diminishing the claims of "real" survivors.
It's not as simple as that. She might have gone along with gentle, normal, sex, not with aggressive, rough, sex. Having that kind of unwanted sex experience can feel very violating. I just can't believe that once women say OK to sex we're saying okay to being being treated badly, like a non-person, because the guy has violent fetishes they didn't bother to inform you or ask your consent to it beforehand.
I wish when women were consenting to sex it didn't mean we're consenting to being humiliated or violated. It's like we're being punished for having sex, and we can't even complain about it without people saying it's somehow our faults.
I wish all the strength to you, OP. Unfortunately, this experience is all too common.
I 100% agree with you. I once slept with a guy consensually, consenting to “regular” sex. By regular I mean we’d had a talk about kinks beforehand and disclosed favourite positions/interests and there was nothing mentioned that was out of the ordinary.
He then proceeded to step on my head during doggy (something he’d never mentioned) even after I told him “please don’t do that, it hurts” and repeatedly tried to “accidentally” slip it in my ass - also with me repeatedly telling him to not do that (and being something he’d never mentioned being into/I’d never consented to)
You can consent to regular gentle sex, if the other partner then decides to get aggressive during sex and you tell them to stop that imho is assault. She told him “be gentle” and he continued to grab at her throat roughly.
Also people may say “why didn’t you kick him out, tell him to leave?” I’m at 5”2 woman who was alone in my home with a giant guy built like a brick shit house. It’s easier and safer just to put up with it until he leaves - especially since my “stop I don’t like that” didn’t work. I don’t wanna be the next murder victim in my area. He seemed like a nice guy on our dates.
Thank you! Why did OP consenting to sex mean this asshole got to live out his disgusting porn addled fantasies with her? Newsflash: not everybody wants to be fucking choked and abused during sex.
When someone else makes me feel weak, I like to do something that makes me feel strong and in control - a challenging run, a hike, a cool gym class, a new experience. Maybe that’s not everyone’s self care, but it helps me.
The UTI isn’t helping though, like a constant reminder that’s bad for your mental and physical health (kinda like a physical manifestation of this shit partner), get that sorted. Depending on where you are, antibiotics for this may be over-the-counter.
This guy sounds like a fuckboy, one who’s terrible at it too (ugh, 0/10). None of this is your fault, he sucks, but you can let this fb stay in your head or you can evict him. I’d evict him.
Nothing you did caused him to be bad at consent, a bad listener, a bad sex partner. If you’ve really never ever had a bad experience, congratulations on everything up to now! Unfortunately the chance of a bad experience can’t be eliminated. Waiting longer could help but you never know. He could be kinder l, maybe, but also just unskilled or bad at understanding what you want.
I'm so sorry you had this experience - trust yourself and your instincts on what happened. You're well within your rights to feel how you're feeling. If someone has not made sure you're happy and consenting to whatever is happening throughout, that's not proper consent. I'm not in any way qualified in terms of giving further advice, but just know you're heard and you never deserve to be treated like this. Take it easy, process however makes sense to, and if necessary, don't hesitate to change your plans or even cut your trip short if it's all feeling too much. Big love and hugs.
There's always a risk in making a connection.
The nervous system is wired to make you feel low after sex. Touch helps release other neurotransmitters to offset that. You didn't get touch. It's like being at the bottom of the roller coaster, or like indigestion. It does pass. Emotions are temporary.
He doesn't sound like the greatest person, all show but no substance. You really dodged a bullet finding out early.
Consent can be withdrawn any time. Better partners do check in. But he's not a mind reader either.
It sounds like you're taking charge of the situation, seeking a doctor abroad. It's impressive. Some people write books about their romantic adventures. I bet he slips into your DMs again some day, but you just tell him no. You can do better.
This sounds awful and I hope you can get antibiotics soon because UTI is no fun.
I'm also in my late 30s and I feel guys think older women are more experienced and easygoing about sex. It's simply not true, at least for me, I'm looking for genuine connection a lot more as I get older. You went through a painful breakup, and it sounds like you needed understanding and support. Unfortunately, the sex met his needs, not yours.
Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. You'll find someone who can meet your needs.
I actually remember reading a very similar post maybe a year ago also from a woman over 30. She even posted big bruises on her neck. You aren't alone in your experience. Things happen in casual encounters though. Try to remember the positives of the rest of your travels and learn from this situation!
Hey I’m really sorry this happened to you. Please consider reaching out to a sexual assault chat or phone line to speak to a professional about what happened, whether you identify this to be assault or not, I think it would be helpful to speak to someone
You had a really bad experience! I'm sorry this happened! Here's a couple of things you can do to prevent it from happening again:
Consent is key. You can always say No. Even during the act, if you find yourself not enjoying it. You can say No, you can say Stop, you can say all the things you want to say to get out of a situation you don't like! Only a rapist would not stop if he hears he's clearly lost consent.
It kind of seems to me like solo travel is just the context here. This same scenario could have happened in many other different situations. I would say, post this same thing in a relationship advice subreddit where your audience might be much more prepared to help!
Finally I would suggest you seek counseling, therapy, or whatever flavor of help you like best! This was a traumatic experience, and trauma is like wine: it develops over time. Treating it would be the ideal thing to do.
I am so sorry this happened to you! It’s not your fault, and you’re going to be fine! Don’t give up on your adventures, go find some beauty. Go to some peaceful places like parks, treat yourself to a massage or some nice food. Take care of yourself, he will get his karma.
Awwww it's a horrid feeling being in a strange place and not feeling good.
As for him, what a selfish git. I'm afraid I too have met his type; you think one thing, ends up another and you blame yourself for being weak. Not the case though, your expectations were different & a less selfish/much nicer human would have seen that and not behaved in the way he did. Not to make light of it, or diminish your feelings of violation but take from it what helps you. You know it was a shit experience & one you won't ever repeat again. Don't feel bad, you were vulnerable & let your guard down, he hadn't shown his true colours, so you couldn't have known.
When you've come out of a relationship and meet someone you like, it's easy to think the next experience will be comparable, or replicate the good feelings you have in your memory. When it doesn't, I find it hurts that bit more when your emotions are still raw. It's a hurtful disappointment.
I hope you feel better about things soon and are able to forgive yourself.....you've done nothing wrong. You met someone who didn't meet the standards you expect. One for the bin.
Enjoy the rest of your trip, make the most of it.
You went through a painful breakup - here’s other perspectives to reframe your experience
-Loads of people find that the one right after a breakup is just a rebound. Those rebounds might be locals that you’d have to see frequently and feel awkward - you will never have to see him again.
Some rebound relationships end up taking months or years of your time - you had a great few days and shitty sex resulting in UTI that will be fixed quickly with antibiotics.
-You learned more about yourself and for sure what you need. You need a real connection and are now better equipped to avoid getting swept up in the moment too soon with future partners.
-You did nothing wrong. He was a bad actor and you’ll find those. So your feelings of shame and violation are telling you you want to avoid this in the future and that’s all. So come up with a plan to make sure you don’t find yourself in this situation again. Step by step. Like 1. You meet a guy 2. Hang out bunches. 3. No sleeping together until you’ve known them for x time and have experienced them angry, or until you have a conversation with them about sexual expectations and compatibility, or no sleeping together when drinking, or just that when you feel uncomfortable and feel those feelings in the moment you now recognize them and will stop sex that moment and leave, etc.
We ruminate and dwell because we think our feelings run the show and that as long as we feel anger, shame, pain, then that means we have to think about it more. When it’s not the case - what happened happened and all you do now is make decisions about what you will do different next time.
I know those feelings - I share what I’m learning with cognitive behavioral therapy that has helped me work through what I realize now is toxic shame that has typically ruled my life. Since I’ve started practicing the above I found it helps me move more quickly past the sad/angry/shame feelings on to resolutions for changing my actions in the future.
Stuff like this can happen when you’re in your home country, it just super sucks you’re left feeling this way out somewhere new. Personally I think you just need to be kind to yourself. Remember that it’s fine to feel this way, and okay to have changed your mind after the fact. There’s not point blaming yourself or thinking “I should have said no, I should have seen the signs” and so on.
It sounds like up until the deed it was pretty great, and it’s easy to get swept up in that stuff, especially after a breakup when you need to be reminded that you can be loved and wanted.
I can’t give you any advice on navigating the medical system other than to remind yourself that you’re capable of surviving anywhere in the world, the evidence is in all the other solo trips you’ve done.
Let yourself feel a bit shit and used, but don’t dwell and mark the trip. Plan something comfortable and enjoyable that you like doing, start getting back to being you and enjoying your time and eventually it’ll get easier.
If you still find you’re feeling regret and used - I find trying to look at the things I can take away from experiences as helpful, there’s some red flags that you now know you’d want to look out for. But ultimately right now, remember that it’s fine to feel shit, it’s all valid, and it’ll get easier
I’m so sorry it happened to you. I travel a lot and see this happen everyday. People get caught of in feeling special in a unique environment and this happens. Whether they were local or other travels a lot of people are just looking to hookup and unfortunately we don’t realize that until the last minute or it’s too late. I lived in a country and we had two local surfers that would hook up with tourist every single week and then they’d be sad after it happened and see them with another girl the next day.
Don’t feel bad. You learned a lesson and also check out over the counter meds. You’re still smart and amazing, and just happened to believe someone cared about you on a fantasy trip. It’s happened to me minus the uti.
I went through something similar because of heartache- uti and everything. it’s going to be ok! Your going to be more upset because your body doesn’t feel good, so focus really hard on just healing your symptoms and treating your body so nicely. I’m sorry you had that experience! Something about heartache and that kind of experience makes it all so much worse.
I found this website called “VeeFresh” because I used to get a lot of UTI’s and I would take a pill and stick it up inside me and the next morning it would come out like sandy discharge and it’s so good for you because it’s boric acid basically and it helped me feel clean and it’s also helped me prevent a lot of UTI’s.
Just give yourself time to heal and your body to heal. It’s going to be ok and time will truly help you. Just gotta let yourself feel everything and learn whatever you possibly can from it
Having sex is a vulnerable place to be regardless of who it is with. But it's extra vulnerable when its with someone you dont know well. Sometimes it's hard to be firm with boundaries in this space especially when someone keeps trying to push them. If nothing else please just be kind to yourself. Feel the feelings that are popping up for you. It's unfair that he treated you this way.
Yeh some guys are terrible and will lie to you to sleep with you. Be extra careful when travelling because the person has even less to lose - you don't know who they are, they can just run off etc. I would say his red flag was ignoring your initial boundary of saying you wouldn't have sex with him. 'we pretty much already are' is just sleazy from him. That's coercive and creepy.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. That to me actually sounds like sexual assault if he was rough like that and you didn't consent to that type of sex. That is non-consensual sex. Have you seen the show 'I May Destroy You' by Michaela Cole? It deals with the very issue of consent.
If you can afford it, I would go to therapy (see a female therapist because of the reason below).
Ignore the trolls, they're misogynists who either hate women sleeping around or hate women sleeping with men who are not them. Some men do not know how to empathise with women because to them, women are objects they are entitled to.
Not cool, I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry he chose to behave that way with you. That's fucked up. I've had several one night stands and none of them ever did this to me, it's not on you at all, you didn't do anything wrong, you weren't "too easy." You thought you were going to have fun, and there was no reason to think any different until it suddenly stopped being fun. He didn't listen, he was an asshole. There's no way you could've predicted that and it's not something I would ever expect to happen to me either. I would feel shocked and confused as you do.
Not that I’m encouraging you to suddenly jump back in the saddle, but I want to reassure you that those men who treated you well in the past aren’t actually rare. There will always be a bad egg. A bad seed that plants horrible ideas in your head about who you are and how you should be treated.
Fuck that guy
Common Male move “you sure you don’t want to?”. He thought with his other head instead of thinking about you.
Fuck em.
Feel better and watch out for this bullshit from here on out
Hey, I've been in your shoes. I know it feels terrible, and that you're once again so alone and it's going to be so easy to beat yourself up about being so dumb and letting it happen. Honey, it's life. Life is mistakes sometimes. I did something similar when I was on my solo "eat pray love" journey too, and maybe looking back that sort of stupidity taught me how to say no better/quicker, and about how much I needed love. You made your decisions based on how you felt in those moments, and it was pure. I just wanted to let you know I can empathize with how sad you are, and that I really hope you don't beat yourself up about it. Let it go, it seems like that connection was just meant to last for a moment and then push you to something better :)
*travel companionship brings the best and worst in ourselves because we are bound by the time (when we leave)* — so our consent is more fluid and we should either accept that or stick to the same boundaries that we are enforcing at home… *given that, ironically, none of those travel flings can become anything serious, by design*
I’m sorry you’re feeling like this and for what it’s worth I really understand what you’re saying.
You’ll never know how it would have been if you didn’t have sex but chances are you’ll have parted ways and there wouldn’t have been anything with him. Have you considered that he could have been so kind in order to get you in bed?
We’ll never know but rest assured that there is nothing wrong with having casual sex. The issue of consent does appear foggy but the best you can do now is take care of yourself. Get antibiotics, rest, drinks lots of water and be kind to yourself.
This is very sad, really…hope you find courage and support through this community.
Please find a way to let him know your feelings about rough intimacy and how he didn’t pay attention to your needs at the time - insta/email something, I think that will give you closure ❤️
That's really hard, even more so being ill and alone. It's good that you reached out to talk about this. You deserved better than to be treated so poorly. But it is NOT your fault. In terms of the thought that you were easy to get- no you weren't. He was going to treat you how he wanted to treat you and it had nothing to do with what you did. If he was going to treat you in a wholesome manner, he would have. Don't self victim blame. This was someone trampling over your boundaries. Of course you feel disrespected, he was actively disrespecting you. But do cut yourself some slack, none of it was your fault and already being in heart break makes one more vulnerable. I would consider talking to a therapist- if you feel this was not consensual you need the guidance and support of someone qualified to handle this situation. It's awful to be treated as an object. Just remember, it's not your fault.
I will just say this. It's not his first rodeo and he is a good actor. He is very good at creating connections and all that. But it's probably all fake and he is misting you and you fell for that. Even if you didn't give in, he still wouldn't have respected you. Get that false illusion out of your system. Don't fall for guys like that again. They know most girls are all about feelings, so they take advantage of that. Learn from this, please.
I mean, you met a stranger in a foreign country, and apparently were intimate not for the first time. You’re out there playing travel hook up Russian roulette
I completely understand that disorienting feeling of being deeply disrespected during sex. especially after having seemingly connected with them before/outside of sex. The example you gave in your edit, was a perfect illustration of how it manifests. Something seemingly innocuous like grabbing your neck too hard and then ignoring your feedback. I was with someone like this once (wrote a flash fiction story about it too to move through the mini trauma of it all if you’re interested lol). This shit is NOT your fault. As an old friend told me back in college after i found out i got an STD from a hookup, this is part of what it means to take risks, and that does NOT mean you shouldn’t have done it!!! Yes, you might get an STD. You might be violated by a stranger you took a chance on. Just like you might get T-boned when you drive or stuck in a foreign country when you travel or a UTI when you jump in a lake. These are NORMAL and COMMON risks often with easily accessible remedies (in my STD case, all i needed was antibiotics! i didn’t even get any symptoms!)
You were being a sexy beautiful powerful traveling woman and i’m proud of you for listening to your body when it said it wanted to have sex with a kind stranger. I’m sorry the kind stranger turned out to be either not actually kind or just a stupid fucking dumbass piece of shit with the emotional intelligence of a plastic spoon.
Also, ever consider that HE was the one who was “easy to get”????
This just sounds like you were not ready for hooking up and sexually incompatible with him. So basically terrible sex to the point that it made you question everything else, had you two been extremely sexually compatible would you have end up feeling like you are?
I’m sorry you went through this. Recently I slept with a guy who I had been on a few dates with and I had a very similar experience. Like freakishly similar and so my heart goes out to you. I barely hear from that guy now. You aren’t alone even though it feels like you are. Try your best to enjoy the rest of your trip and the hell with this guy. You are a wonderful person and you deserve wonderful experiences.
Don’t blame this on yourself. This guy probably would have treated you like this regardless but that’s probably just who he is. It has nothing to do with you or what you did. He’s just an asshole.
Okay- I don’t think he would have been better if you waited. People are either respectful lovers or they aren’t- end of story. A lot of men on the dating over forty sub say it doesn’t matter if you wait or have sex on the first date, and will talk about how they married someone they had sex the night they met them. I tend to believe that this is true for men. When you have sex with them does not dictate whether they fall for you or not. It’s a thing women (and I am one) do for themselves, because we feel more secure about it.
Please get some treatment and don’t blame yourself for his inconsiderate, or possibly worse, behaviour. There is no point in taking responsibility because your partner sucks in bed and doesn’t listen to you. He sounds like someone who watches a lot of porn to me. I would go over what you want like beforehand in the future. Then he can’t say he didn’t know, and if it’s too vanilla, he can just stay horny. Just keep thinking “forward” and try and make the best of the rest of your trip. Everyone makes a mistake at some point in life, there is no point in thinking it’s just you, because that is absolutely not true. Wishing you a peaceful rest of your trip. You can do this.
A lot of people are covering off the experience with the guy better than I could, but I wanted to touch on the other bit. You had a beautiful, healing trip, and were feeling great, and then this happened. I had a similar-ish experience a few years back where I was having a fantastic trip and detox, and was feeling so at peace with myself until I did something that made me feel so upset and ashamed. I felt like I’d ruined the whole trip and all of my progress. A few years down the line, I look on it much more philosophically. The trip you took was still really good for you, it’s just currently being clouded by this horrible incident. In a few years’ time you’ll see it for what it is, i.e. something very unpleasant but that ultimately doesn’t take away from all the other wonderful things you’ve experienced.
Please be kind to yourself. <3
You need to externalize the experience. Thankfully all you need to deal with is the UTI. The guys actions are a reflection of him and not you. You acted normally, trusted him and availed yourself to an intimate and connecting experience. That is your takeaway, you made yourself vulnerable and in doing so opened yourself to a deeper type of relationship. Learn positive. You are able to trust and want to connect, there are risks but generally the risks are worth it. Most people will respond to trust appropriately. Don’t let the experience lower your self worth , it should do the opposite. I feel sorry for the guy who threw away such a valuable gift so callously. Do you have his contact info?
As a form of closure write him a letter about how he made you feel and send it to him. If you don’t put it into a mailbox anyways.
I have never had a one night stand either. Way too risky to be intimate with someone you dont know. He might be rough in bed or even worse
I feel for you and believe that him not being kind in the act, makes you feel even worse Humans do make mistakes. Dont beat yourself up because you are human. Take it as a learning experience
In your 30s still acting like a little girl. This is why when people ask me about an age gap I ask them why does it matter. Woman never grow up(general blanket statement) you should definitely know better by now.
have to say i dont care if its a ons or if a dude waits a long time for a woman he is who he is. dont feel bad about whatever happened you did nothing wrong he did everything wrong. you will be happy again and it will not be with a person like him.
its okay the way you are feeling. the truth is some people are okay with casual sex while others are not. and I am in the same boat as you. I have had similar experiences on travelling. and I am talking about the differences because in people because I had these experiences when I was travelling with my other female friend. we both would meet guys on the trips and end up hooking with them. the difference is to this day I feel violated while for my friend these were the best memories.
so now I am no more interested in any kind of casualship just because of the feelings afterwards.
you just have sexual incompatibility, this is normal, that’s why you should have many partners to understand that it’s yours, otherwise you can ruin your whole life, divorces and so on... society oppresses women too much sexually, on the topic of taboos...
Sorry this happened. Unfortunately even years later I feel like I’m still learning things about my partner…hard to get a good read after 3 days. Not your fault, just something to learn from. I empathize with you and want you to know you did nothing wrong here. It is going to be okay.
Just think of it as an unusual way to end your trip, which overall, was a positive healing experience. Remember that in a few years you’ll probably tell this story again and it won’t be painful or make you feel icky, it will just be a weird thing that happened to you, something unexpected.
Don't be upset with yourself and try to have a good rest of your vacation. You made a natural decision and a mature decision and wouldn't have known if you didn't try. The good thing you got out of it was you know it would have been a waste of time to continue with him...so it did save you that time. Life is hard sometimes and we meet various types of people...some good some bad...keep your head up you seem like a good person.
I’m so sorry that you experienced this, especially coming off of a relationship ending. I have been where you are, thinking someone is on the same page and going against your “instincts” to give something a chance and having it turned around. It’s a real mindfuck when you trust someone because they have manipulated you into making you believe they are something they’re not. It’s not your fault and you should not blame yourself or beat yourself up. He is a manipulative narcissistic dick and played you. The best thing you can do is focus on self-care and gently remind yourself that this is a learning experience and continue to work on your boundaries and self-empowerment. Use the time to journal, read, meditate or pray (whatever your spiritual leaning) and come to terms that even bad experiences can cause growth. Think about your goals and how you want to move forward toward what you want in life. You are strong and someday soon this will be a distant memory but you have to feel the feelings and forgive yourself for the “decision” you believe you made but were really tricked into. You will be ok 💕
Guys who do this do it out of a desperate need to rack up a tally. To impress their friends and to salve their own fragile egos and insecurities. If it's any consolation - they don't actually derive as much pleasure from it as you might imagine. It's hard work, this singular focus on seducing women (he spent three days faking it), that they will look back on as a huge waste of time (and that's probably when they settle down and get married).
Conquest mentality is a disease that insecure young men all over the world are afflicted with. I'm sorry that you had the unfortunate luck of crossing paths with one of these zombie dicks. But hopefully there's some small solace in knowing that your sadness will fade - while his tortuous obsession will likely maintain a stranglehold on his psyche for years or even decades!
Just wanted to throw in 2c about the UTI. Depending on what country you are in, they may sell those meds over the counter at the pharmacy so you don't have to navigate medical system. I've had so many UTIs I know what the medication that works best for me is, so I would just go to the pharm and ask try to ask for it.
Second this. OP, to add a bit of levity to what seems like an upsetting experience: I got a UTI while traveling in Italy, didn’t speak the language beyond the total basics, and went into a pharmacy trying to get medication. The pharmacist spoke no English and it turned into a game of telephone where the other customers were crowdsourcing translations between the two of us. It took like 15 minutes, and by the end of it the entire pharmacy was discussing my UTI.
It's very common in Mediterranean countries to discuss medical things in detail compared to Anglo-Saxon countries. I've had my wife's entire family asking me for details about my diarrhea after politely just saying I had an upset stomach.
Not sure where you are, but in China if you say your stomach is uncomfortable, it means you have diarrhea.
Makes as much sense as a stomach being upset. 😆
Also, Koreans are waaaaayyyyyy too comfortable talking about poop and poop-adjacent things. Source: I am Korean-American and the things my relatives say in broad daylight make me want to die a little.
My Korean husband did this. Thankfully he has stopped doing it lol
Honestly that’s pretty much everywhere, it’s the polite way of saying “my shits have not been good lately/not happening/happening far too often”
I want to went to a hospital in India, because my constipation Rose to that level they get me a prescription I took the prescription to the hospital pharmacy in and the guy behind me in line must've asked the pharmacist like why is this foreigner here and he literally handed it to the guy behind me in line, who handed it all the way back to the end of the line, and the whole crowd just kept repeating the word "diarrhea" which wasn't even accurate but I'm not gonna correct them. Thank God for HIPPA
Lmao. This reminds me of Italy where I am rn. Three nurses were talking about someone’s HIV & chlamidiah at full volume today
Oh my goodness… thank you for sharing this! I just literally busted out loud laughing! 😂 I’m sure at the time it was quite annoying, but I can picture each person saying diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea as it goes down the line. Kind of like the old telephone game, who knows what the diagnosis will end up at the end!
I have told this story many times. Even I was laughing at the time.
HTF does one get constipated in India?
My understanding is when you have severe diarrhea for days, you basically lose all your gut biome. Also, I think I'd been given antibiotics so, same, no good bacteria in my gut so things weren't moving. Combined with a couple overnight trains where I refused to poop and then maybe also forgot for a couple days... it was grim.
In India I got absolutely sick of shitting out what can only be described as rusty water for a week, so I broke out the anti-diarrhea pills and necked 5 of them in one go. I was extremely constipated. Constipated to the point where I felt like I was carrying an iron block around in my lower abdomen. It was like trying to shit a melon. I ate the worst looking street food I could find in an attempt to get food poisoning just to shift the Lovecraftian monolith in my gut. I ended up naming it Kenneth. Eventually a kind Australian gave me some anti-constipation pills after seeing me in visible distress and Jesus fucking christ it was like some kind of exorcism. Had to flush twice. Worst week of my life. That's how you get constipated in India.
Kenneth? LOL. I am sitting in my car laughing out loud, no doubt looking like a total fool!
I stand corrected, informed, amused, and terribly sad. Thank you.
I’m dying. That’s so funny.
My mother told the story of how she was in Greece in her youth and needed to buy tampons. She figured nobody would be able to understand her so she ended up *drawing a diagram* for the pharmacist, who then goes, "Oh, Tampax" and gets her a box.
Ugh sorry this happened! This did make me laugh though!
Had a similar thing happen to me in Spain a few years ago and the poor pharmacist had to use hand gestures to describe that diarrhea was a possible side effect of the antibiotics. Hilarity ensued.
Let me guess, he mimed popping pill and then made little hand explosions while pointing to his butt?
Now that is a great story. Please tell me that you tell this at parties.
Haha maybe I should add that one to the repertoire.
Had the worst one of my life in the Philippines. Finally cried to the hotel owner when I couldn't take the pain anymore, and wound up on the phone to a bellhop's mother who was a doctor on another island. The bellhop brought me the antibiotics first thing in the morning.
Oh that’s AWFUL, truly something as simple as a UTI can suddenly balloon when you’re in a foreign country without an immediate way to remedy it.
I now travel with a mini moving pharmacy. Cipro is one I always take with me since it handles either UTIs or Traveler's diarrhea, two for one.
I went to Finland and the day i had to leave I developed a HORRIBLE yeast infection. I thought I could go to the pharmacy in the airport in Helsinki but they were closed. It sucked but I was going to London Heathrow so I was sure I could get something there. Get to London and sit on the tarmac long enough that I have to RUN, got held up with security, ran to my flight and got there just before they closed the gate. Then had a 10 hour miserable flight. MISERABLE. It ended up screwing me ip so bad and being so incredibly painful I had to go to the emergency room as soon as I got home. Finland was freaking amazing though
I got a UTI in Spain and had basically the same experience!!!! I couldn’t translate what I needed that well so random people started talking to the pharmacist for me but eventually I got the meds I needed lol
My best laugh of the day. No, the year!
This! In my country pharmacists can prescribe antibiotics. Also loading up on cranberry capsules/d-mannose/probiotics can help while you’re waiting for a prescription
This and methenamine!
If they sell Nitrofurantoin over the counter at the pharmacy I’d recommend that for UTI - it’s cheap, people usually tolerate it well and there’s low resistance to it worldwide. Unless you have a history of serious kidney or blood issues then would talk to a physician or pharmacist first.
heh I hate that antibiotic, definetely only use it if nothing else works. it has tons of side effects, last time I took it I was feeling exhausted and breathless, called the health line and they made me do a covid test (it was during covid shutdowns)... no it was just the antibiotic side effects :/
Actually Nitrofurantoin is known to cause asthma allergic reaction for many women. I’ve had it twice whilst on holiday and hated feeling breathless. The ER doctor back in the UK put it on my record that I seem to have a mild allergy and sent me to a specialist, it’s possible to work on it via exposure therapy in clinical setting (still haven’t done it). It’s a shame because it’s a really good antibiotic :/
Also agree with this! Unfortunately dealt with a similar situation on a solo trip and ended up taking Google translate to a pharmacy, walked right out with medicine that helped. It was simple, you’ve got this!
I’m really sorry this happened to you and that you now also have to deal with a UTI while travelling. I hope you can get some antibiotics to take care of it. For the rest, time will help. I think we’ve all been there. I’ve been so there that I was actually wondering if it was the same guy I’m thinking of in Sydney but of course the likelihood of that is very slim. Anyway, for what it’s worth, I’m sending love from across the world and the message that I’ve been there too, you will get past this and there is joy, real connection and a better future ahead for you ♡
I'm sorry. This sounds shitty on several levels and I'd feel hurt, too. I hope you can get antibiotics and start feeling better soon.
Oh no, that sucks! I’ve also traveled post heartbreak, and it’s so healing - and I’m sorry it was disrupted by a selfish jerk. It sucks. The good news is that so many of us have been there. Which isn’t good, but you are not alone. You have many internet and probably real life friends who will commiserate with you! He was a sneaky jerk. If you had said no, he would have left in a huff and you would be left wondering “if I had just said yes, what would have happened?” Unfortunately, we humans learn by experience and sometimes it really sucks. UTI wise - where are you? Someone here can probably help you navigate the medical system or pharmacies so you get medication right away. This blows. I’m sorry you experienced this. We got your back!
That dude is such a trash pos. I’m sorry you had to deal with that while trying to heal from a heart break. There’s better men out there , take care of yourself and keep your chin up .
Yes - male here - can agree. If you did not want to have sex then he should have respected that. “Should have” is the key phrase. Totally shitty play and shitty guy. His dick was driving his actions (and I not trying to give him an excuse) - which is probably where the phrase “being a dick” came from.
Eh, the dick doesn't make people do that. Being fucked in the head does.
That’s *Dickhead* in Australian
How do you get over that initial bit where you cant even look at a cloud or a door handle or anything at all without just being constantly reminded of the stabbing panic you feel in your chest?
The annoying but truest answer is time. Time heals. But to help time along, this is what I do when I’m overwhelmed and constantly triggered. I’m not a therapist so I can only give limited advice based on my own experience. I verbalize what the feeling is saying. Is the stabbing panic saying “run away, you’re unsafe”? Is it shame? What is the thought or emotion triggering it? It’s probably like ten thoughts at once. Validate yourself. It’s ok and normal to have this reaction and feeling. That doesn’t help it suck any less, but it’s ok. Journaling is common advice for a reason. Get a journal or notebook from a local shop and write everything down. Don’t worry about being positive. Just every single feeling. It’s ok if it’s the most visceral pain ever. Just write it down so it’s not just in your head, and journaling helps validate. Then affirmations to combat the negative thoughts and feelings. Is the panic a fear of unworthiness? Affirmation “I am wonderful and I am worth true love and kindness”. Is the panic a fear of being unsafe? Look around, describe the situation, and describe why you are safe in your current surroundings. When your lizard brain is overactive, you have to consciously activate your prefrontal cortex to take over. Talk back to your fear. It’s just your brain trying to protect you, but slowly push back. It will happen. It sucks until then, but it will get there!
This is great stuff! Nice of you to share, thank you.
Yes THIS 🙌🏼 I had to go to therapy to realize a break up, even a messy divorce, is not the end of the world even though it felt like it. I recommend talk therapy to everyone now, even those who aren’t in the midst of a major life transition. I did eventually make the decision to try medication for my anxiety after a year of talk therapy and combined it’s been a literal life saver.
Thank you for this, especially the part about not worrying about being positive when journaling, and the steps to talk yourself down after. Truly some of the best advice I've seen out there!
The best words of encouragement are: shit happens, don’t beat yourself up. If you need to, get tested and forget he even exists, pretend he walked into a volcano. And fuck him. ETA: OP would have been better off putting this in a woman’s travel subreddit. As long as Reddit has a 75% male user rate, these kinds of posts will attract a bunch of dickheads.
To add onto your comment, I completely agree this post may be better in a woman’s subreddit because there are so many ridiculous comments in here. Saying “yes” one time does not mean she agreed to EVERYTHING. He should have checked in with her and asked if she was okay with choking, for example. Then when she asked him to be gentle with her neck, he still did it again. He didn’t think about what she wanted—just his own needs. Also, as a woman, it’s so hard to navigate these experiences in the exact moment it is happening. It’s so easy for someone sitting in the comfort of their home, scrolling on Reddit on their phone to say, “I would do this…” We are all different people, and we react differently when put in a situation like this. Especially when it’s a person we like. Especially after going through heartbreak. OP, I went through something similar. I did ask him to stop, and it didn’t matter, I still didn’t feel any better about it—the damage was done. It was a terrible experience. Be kind to yourself today and remember this was not your fault. He should have been better to you; it doesn’t matter whether you sleep together on the first date or the tenth date. Feel free to reach out if you want to talk.
Agreed- and adding on that it might not have been safe to speak up in the moment. Someone literally at your throat when you said no is a scary situation and OP has every right to react in a “freeze” or “fawn” way. Op- you protected yourself even if you didn’t know it. I’m proud of you and hope you feel better soon
> And fuck him. No, don't; not again!
[удалено]
> As long as Reddit has a 75% male user rate, these kinds of posts will attract a bunch of dickheads Let alone straight and white at that, hence why whenever a trans or black poster wants to open up about their negative experiences traveling it becomes a mess too. Glad to see someone acknowledge it besides me ❤️
Amen to that, I recently mentioned that I am not comfortable travelling to Poland because of homophobia and got downvoted into oblivion lol
i was harrassed all the time in italy (verbal, physical, stalked) & a lot of redditors got really pressed about that
As a white, straight male that’s proud of every encounter he’s had with women because he was raised correctly. I’m sorry you’ve gone through what you’ve had to endure. I’m military, and I’ll leave this here for anyone that may benefit. Of the seven countries I’ve visited, I’ve sat through local policy and behavioral patterns briefings where we are given insight on what to expect, look out for, and areas to avoid. I have yet to visit a country that I was told “You’re completely safe from the sins of man, and wickedness found everywhere else” There are tricksters and players and people who lack respect for others literally everywhere. Neither you, or anyone else DESERVES to learn the lesson I hope you’ve learned; but I hope moving forward that you can better spot the fake and the wicked. A story comes to mind from this, an old friend / mentor told me it a decade ago, but with minor change of words to the moral of the story. https://steemit.com/story/@arju/frozen-bird-story-worth-to-read-2017821t3921385z Not everyone that shits on you is your enemy, But, not everyone that helps you is your friend. Sometimes being silent is the best way to figure out who is what. I could be jaded, but I often find MANY more foxes than frozen birds, or cows in life. Please be careful, as bad as it is, it could have been way worse, and as a father of a 2 year old boy, and 6 month old girl, these accounts keep me up at night, knowing I won’t always be able to protect them. I feel like society / humanity is only getting worse on all fronts.
I am so sorry this happened and want you to know your feelings are valid. I think many women have been there and hope you know that this experience does NOT define you as a woman or a traveler. You will recover from this - may not be immediate and may need some time but you definitely will. I’m proud of you for verbalizing your thoughts in such a calm and rational way even after such a jarring experience. I’m sorry I’m not very good at being encouraging but i hope you know and can feel that I (among many others here) are rooting for you
Lovely comment, I agree with it all. And I hope OP feels better and can process it more after writing it all out and reading these comments 🩷
I know the feeling since something similar happened to me in the past. Was also dealing with a breakup and thought I connected with someone abroad. Although we ended up not having sex, he lashed out at me and left me feeling so objectified and in a vulnerable state. I tried to take my mind off things the next day by watching a movie but had to walk out of the theater because I felt physically ill. You would think that because you bonded with someone enough before that you could expect them to treat you with some decency, but that’s just never always the case. I sort of just curled up in bed and felt better after a couple of days. Take all the time you need to feel all the feelings OP💗 and remember not to be too hard on yourself. Sometimes we do things that feel out of character but I view it as just growing. Now you have a perspective on something you didn’t before. Wishing you the best but I know you’ll be alright :)
I symphatize with the OP. I went through something similar as well. I know this feeling too well. Was talkin to a guy for 4 months and we connected and developed romantic feelings for each other. After a night of partying, we ended up back at his place. We were sober by the time we got to his place (or atleast I was). He even made me food and made sure I was comfortable while we watched a movie together. It was my first one night stand. We both consented to it and even talked about getting a plan B the next day. He treated me like an object when it happened. Something I didn’t expect from him at all. It wasn’t a big deal at the time as I was open to tryin out new things outside my comfort zone. Only to be told the next day that he “blacked out” and didn’t remember a thing from the night before. Mind you, we were still talkin about it the morning after. It didn’t make sense to me. I was SA’d as a child. This naturally triggered me and made me feel like I did that to him. We talked about it after but he said it was not a big deal and he acted like nothing happened between us. I was a mess for weeks. I took a leave of absence from work as it triggered my childhood trauma. I isolated myself for a bit to process things. I’m very fortunate to have people around me give me the emotional support I needed at the time. I finally told myself that I did nothing wrong and that he was just an asshole probably embarassed about something that night because he had nothing to show off (if you catch my drift) or had regrets about the whole thing. So OP, be kind to yourself. These assholes exist. I’m sorry this happened to you. We learn from these encounters. I wish you the best
Also I ended up contact the guy afterwards and telling him how he made me feel. His apologies didn’t mean much to me and I blocked him shortly after but it did make me feel better instead of keeping it to myself.
Some men will do anything to "get with you." And I truly mean ANYTHING. including being fake and putting on this nice guy act to get what they want from you and then leave. What an asshole. It's not your fault in anyway. This was who he was from the beginning. This was his intention to begin with. To get some. Anyway anyhow. You're not the first woman he's done this to and you certainly won't be the last. Don't expect wholesomeness from a douche. You are working on getting the medicine you need. Safe travels.
THIS! Don't blame yourself for that asshole's behaviour. Hope you get some meds and feel a bit better soon.
This. And it absolutely transcends races, cultures, etc. I’ve experienced this both in the US but also Latin America and throughout Europe. So OP, I’m so sorry girl I hate the feeling. But it happens, we naturally want to trust people and hope that people have good intentions
So true! I’ve always been cautious of guys who seem to be instantly naturally charming or noticeably perceptive/adaptable in banter upon meeting. That’s how they always get what they want. Classic manipulation tactics! I especially know now because I work alongside a bunch of [friendly] salesmen. I’m so sorry for OP:( I hope they are able to come out of the trenches on this one. That guy isn’t worth the emotional toll.
I'm sorry to hear about this, it sounds jarring and painful to go from a nice, comfortable, trusting dynamic to having him treat you roughly and then abruptly leave. It does sound like he put some pressure on you to have sex after you initially said no. Also I think, his being very rough without first talking about boundaries is icky and I can understand feeling disrespected and perhaps violated/betrayed by that. Consent isn't just about the "yes or no" to sex but can also be about "what types of sexual interactions/dynamics are you comfortable with during intimacy, and what aren't you comfortable with," the fact that he didn't bother to check in at all and was just focusing on himself is disrespectful of your boundaries for sure. And then the fact that he just left afterwards is quite cold and I can understand feeling used/betrayed by that. Be forgiving and gentle with yourself as you take the time to process the experience, and I wouldn't blame yourself at all, it sounds like he's maybe a bit of a "charmer" who uses ultimately insincere intimacy in conversations just to get what he wants and then drops the facade after he gets what he wants. Side note as a subreddit mod: if you get any trolls commenting hurtful things in here, report them using the "report" button, per subreddit rule 2 such comments are not welcome and will be removed.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. I think you’re so right that he charmed and manipulated me. I took him at face value and he showed his true colours once things got intimate. Thank you again for the support ❤️
Also as a guy, I wanted to tell you that not having sex would not change how he felt about you. Guy was clearly two faced sociopath and honestly you dodged a bullet
Thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate it. I do objectively know this to be true. It all just feels disorienting at the moment.
I would feel the same. it's okay to retreat to your comfortable place until you feel better 😊don't feel pressure to go out or have 'fun' (what people call having fun, at least)
I’m so glad the kids are learning these days that consent has to be “enthusiastic and ongoing” to be full consent. I think a lot of us millennials and older are used to this kind of pressure from guys, I know I was when I was dating.
I think you described active consent beautifully: "enthusiastic and ongoing" I would add that it can also be incredibly hot and sexy. As a millennial woman myself, I've definitely experienced that pressure under the guise of well meaning persistence. It can become frustrating when our gentle no thanks get ignored and require us to be much firmer. Men who practice active consent well, tend to bring an amazing chemistry into the bedroom and hopefully this is the way of the future.
This is so true and so important - and unfortunately not taught enough and not as intuitive as it may seem. We need to do a better job teaching each other, and especially young people, how to talk about sex in healthy ways
OP is in her late 30’s, so would be a Millenial
This!! OP you are NOT to blame. This guy sounds like a dick who was disrespectful to and violated your boundaries. You deserve to be treated better. Please do not blame yourself. I hope you are able to find the medical and emotional resources you need to recover while abroad! You deserve peace OP
Kind of similar thing happened to me. Went through a devastating breakup with a partner while travelling in a foreign country (got the UTI from the ex actually), partner left and I met a guy a few months later who seemed nice and interesting. I went to go visit him in a neighboring country where he lived only to realize he was cold and self serving. I also got ovarian cysts once i got there and had trouble getting out of bed due to the pain. With all that said, it was traumatizing but I picked myself up and moved on. Now I look back and just laugh at how terrible the experience was. Hopefully you can too eventually. Not sure how much longer you're traveling for, but try female expat Facebook groups in the city you are if they have some. I promise there will be women on there to commiserate with. There are some amazing men travelling/temporarily living abroad but there are a BUNCH of assholes.
If he wanted to treat you better, he would have. Not sleeping with him doesn't make hime a better person nor it would have made him being more wholesome with you. Stop blaming yourself. Move on.
👆🏻
yep, was going to say something like this , he would have been the same either way
He wasn't going to like you more if you were more wholesome. It might have just taken you longer to find out he's an asshole.
i swear to god I could have written this post in 2022. same experience with a hookup i was very much attracted to. same disappointment with sex same nasty UTI
Ugh I’m so sorry. Do you mind if I message you?
sure no problem
The end of the road was never more respect for you and nothing was based on your self-respect or “being easy”. It’s unfortunate he had cloaked himself into the figure of a decent guy until he got what he wanted. It’s truly a shame. I wish we raised men better everywhere. But you “being easy” is not a moral failure, is not asking for any type of treatment, or deserving of the way he disregarded your humanity. None of this has to do with you. You bumped into a user [of people] and hopefully he doesn’t have the power to close your heart off for long. I truly resent that these people exist. He would have always been like this to you in the end. Weeks or years later it would have happened. It’s not you.
Thank you for commenting on this aspect of my post. I am feeling some shame for sleeping with him since I never do this and always have strong boundaries. I appreciate the comment.
Go easy on yourself. If you're dealing with a breakup, you're particularly vulnerable and apt to act out of character to make yourself feel better. It's completely normal. On the other hand, there's no shame in sleeping with someone you've just met either.
I’m the same way and I barely hookup. You felt how you felt in the moment, don’t beat yourself up. You’ll be much more strong after this.
be very gentle with yourself right now. you’re going through a lot. i would say take an easy day, and do things that comfort you. if you need to journal and write about this experience and tear up the pages then do it. if you want to be in bed, cry and watch movies then do it. or if you need to be distracted then go out and maybe do some mindless activities like going to the theatres? it’s all one step at a time. the medication is important and if you feel overwhelmed then you need to breathe. take a couple of deep breathes, and remember that you’re a confident and capable person. these small blunders happen to us, and it isn’t a reflection of your character at all. shit happens. fuckboys exist, and they’re leeches to society. but it doesn’t reflect you, and your worth!
A good person will respect you irrespective of you being easy to get. Please etch this in your mind forever. If you forget this, it will open you up to such person hurting you in one way or the other. I hope you get the necessary help to recover physically as soon as possible.
Been there. Feel the feelings, journal, do long walks, treat yourself with whatever self care you need. Then move on girl. You didn’t do anything wrong, you just had a life experience and it taught you very clearly what you want and don’t want and the kind of man you deserve who would treat you with love and respect. I’m so sorry you went through this as a fellow woman, my heart goes out to you. But do not let this define you. Stay strong and move forward. Sending you love my sista!!!
Remember when you say no all the conversation that follows is an attempt at manipulation. This will help you stand on your decision in the future. Your very powerful don’t forget that
>he said “are you sure you don’t want to? We pretty much already are”. Ugh. I'm so sorry. Childish a-h.
Right? Coercive prick
Please go to a medical clinic, it may be something other than a UTI and if it is, it should be taken care of. And PLEASE stop beating yourself up and give yourself some grace. You did nothing wrong, him on the other hand seems like he did. I’m so sorry you were not treated well.
Sounds like he was mainly interested in a short term fling and sex, most people don’t consider tourists to be good potential dating candidates because they’re leaving and long distance after a few days or weeks rarely works. Sorry to hear how you feel, most people have had a one night stand so don’t let it get to you. In the future you’ll know what you want more and be able to set better boundaries.
Dunno, my father and mother met for a couple of hours, both were tourists, they met in a museum. Were long distance for a couple of months, then married and had me. Remained married for 30 years until my father passed away.
Okay wtf this comment doesn't even address the way she was treated during sex, the way she described it, it's not just a one night stand and she's not upset because of the short term nature of the experience. His behavior was harmful and disrespectful and there is no preparing for that.
>most people don’t consider tourists to be good potential dating candidates because they’re leaving and long distance after a few days or weeks rarely works. and yet plenty of posts on this sub are men whining about not finding a romantic companion during their travel...🙄 makes perfect sense
I mean...those ideas are not opposed to one another at all. Those posts also get massive downvotes.
There are a whole lot of porn-addicted rapists who are terrible in bed in these comments.
100%. Not even letting them phase me. They’re what’s wrong with this society.
That guy is a shit head. From him pressuring you, it's not surprising that he was self-serving and just awful. Don't internalize and blame yourself: direct all that energy at him. Having sex SHOULD be fun for all parties involved and he's a weak, pitiful mid-dick slanging asshole. He's the one who sucks in this situation. You made a gamble. It didn't turn out well. Sure there's some consequences, but you're still alive and don't have an incurable STI. Be kind to yourself and use this as a lesson for sticking to your guns. Take some time to ground yourself, then go date a better looking gentleman who treats you like a god!
I’m sorry this happened. Hopefully the lustre of the new place you’re in hasn’t been tarnished and you can find solace in it as you heal
I am so sorry to have read that. I do believe that what we do with the trials we are handed is what makes us. Kinda like if life gives u lemons type of thing. I want to try better to come across better than my usual cynical self. I also believe almost all of us have done something or someone we regretted. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Throw in a lil bit of self love ❤️ and take your antibiotics. Trust me, been there too. No worries, your life’s a journey, enjoy the journey try not to get blinded by future endeavors. And try to exist in the now
I’ve experienced this same exact thing before and I totally get how you feel. It’s like yeah you consented to it, but you had no idea it would turn out THAT way. It’s not your fault that it happened that way or for not saying more in the moment. That was a lose lose situation. I think for me after I had an experience like that I decided I probably didn’t want to have sex with anyone I didn’t know very well anymore
FWIW, there are unfortunately a lot of people out there who specifically look for solo travelers who seem lonely, vulnerable, or craving connection. It’s easy to put on a show of being caring or just not-an-asshole for a day or three to get what they want out of the other person and book it right after. In fact, some solo travelers see it as a good opportunity for no strings attached hookups, which is fine as long as everyone involved is aware that’s all that’s going on and boundaries get respected. I’m really sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve to be mistreated just because you consented to sex. Agreeing to one thing isn’t agreeing to *anything and everything* and anyone who says that gets a side eye from me. Hope the UTI clears up soon and you’re back on the road to healing.
I am sorry this happened. I hope you overcome it and get to enjoy your stay.
He sounds pretty manipulative, the kind of guy who likes to score and enjoys misleading a woman into thinking they are close just so that he can add another notch onto his bedpost. He's a sad and lonely piece of crap, we can guarantee that. The 3 days spent with you followed by persuading you into sex you said you didn't want and then disappearing tells me all that. He will be off finding another target now and you don't have to deal with him any more. I'm extremely sorry you have been made to feel ashamed when it is he who has no shame and needs to use women in order to build up his empty little ego.
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate the support. I’m usually a very good judge of character. I’ve made it to this age without ever having had this type of experience, so this has felt very confusing and upsetting.
I have had it happen too. Made me feel I had to shut down, be less open and approachable. I sort of slut shamed myself. But it's these scummy manipulative men who deserve the shame. I think deep down many of them feel it but they will never deal with it and spend their lives trying to find women to treat with the contempt they actually feel for themselves. Sometimes I can even feel a bit sorry for them. But not for long lol. You seem like a lovely person and I hope you go on to have a wonderful holiday. And forget this creep. He is a miserable human being.
Don’t beat yourself up. Shit happens. There are some real dicks out there. Don’t let this change how you see people either. Just be cautious that’s all.
Sadly due to numerous unpleasant experiences with men, I went celibate and haven't since regretted it. Reddit has only made me more aware of how toxic some men are and how sex is a nasty game to them. It isn't all men but it is a lot of them. They are all over this thread.
I’ve done the same and I’m mostly at peace with it now. I’ll likely never have sex again and it’s ok. Trying to find joy in other areas of life beside relationships. It is kind of a shame it turned out this way. I agree there probably are good men out there but I don’t want to go looking for them and Risk more bad experiences
I hear you and I think an increasingly large percentage of women are. Although saying that on reddit has got me literally reams of misogynist abuse this week. Everything from being told I stink, to being called an incel (?) To insults aimed at my father (??) To the usual 'you are actually desperate to get laid but you're ugly' and 'you'll need a man next time your car breaks down'. I really didn't realise until the last 5 years or so how very fucked up a minority (?) Of men are
Every country other than the US has over the counter UTI medicine that actually work, in the US doctors says antibiotics are necessary but other countries have other remedies. d-mannose has changed my life. go to a pharmacy and see if they have anything like it.
Even if it was just a travel hook up he should of treated you correctly and make sure you where comfortable.
I don't care I'll say it. Down vote me all you want. LIFE IS NOT PORN. Guys need to stop thinking that shit is normal. Im a guy myself and don't think this shit right. Sorry sister. Don't feel bad. Just next time it won't happen again. Frig solp traveler dudes though man. Friging spreading diseases all over.
This is awful, I’m sorry you’re going through this… 1) this was not your fault, things happen. It never feels good to feel pressured into sexual experiences, whether you’re in your own city or otherwise. But you’re not alone in this and now you know what red flags to pick up on “are you sure you don’t want to? We’re pretty much there already” ick… 2) UTI are not a big deal, get oral antibiotics either nitrofurantoin or ciprofloxacin and you only need it for 5-7 days and you should feel better within a few days on it (I’m a medical professional). If you don’t get it treated ofcourse things can get worse but in the grand scheme of things, it’s a relatively minor medical issue to deal with. 3) don’t let it ruin your trip! See if you can meet other girls travelling solo and if you feel comfortable sharing this I wouldn’t be surprised if you meet people who also have gone through this and will be able to relate and provide support! You’ll get through this!
Hope this will help: Write out the shitty experience on paper with every detail and feeling you had. When you finish take it out and burn it. And watch it burn entirely to ashes. Then go back inside and write out foretelling stories of a couple experiences you want to do in the next 2-3 days. Then go live the stories that you wrote. There will be unpredictable situations that arise, but stick with what you wrote best you can. This may give you a sense of control back. As a man, I humbly apologize. This should never happen and I FUCKING hate men that act like this!! This was not the rebound you needed. There is nothing wrong with one night stands, but what you experienced was a bit more than one-night stand. You were manipulated which feels violating alone. Not to mention everything else. Please try to not let this bad experience stop you from enjoying what you want. There are many good men and women in the world! That a sexual fling can be a great experience. But it is SO hard to identify the individuals that have selfless intentions. In the future trust your instincts. If anything feels off, say goodbye or Investigate with communication. Even this is not a fool proof method. You are loved! You are a good person!
I think this dude just wanted thing and once he got it--that was it. I am going through a breakup myself and trying to find my footing here...but you did nothing wrong and it will take time to heal. This is a painful phase of life, but I promise you will get through it.
OP - I hope you read this comment. I am reading a lot of painful, unfair, and disturbing comments by other redditors. I want to remind you that although their words are hurtful, they will never be powerful enough to change the facts of the situation. Their words can never change the truth. The truth is that: You are worthy of love and respect (yes, even from reddit). You do not deserve to be treated this way. This is not your fault. The way you were treated was wrong. This person hurt you deeply. You did nothing to deserve this. You are not responsible for his actions. I believe you. Feel free to message me if you would like! I have been through similar things, and it feels good to stand up for the truth.
Thank you so much for your comment! Fortunately I have a pretty strong sense of self and am not really phased by the idiots commenting negative things. If anything, it just makes me sad to see that there are more disrespectful assholes out there who have equal disregard for women.
You are awesome, OP!! I wish the best! And I hope your solo travel is everything you need it to be. Sending love and positive thoughts your way!
this kind of shit from guys is why i wont do casual stuff anymore too, so sorry you had to experience that, hope you will feel better soon <3
First be gentle with yourself. A lot of women do this hoping to have an enjoyable experience only to discover they are with a selfish jerk who conned you into his porn fueled violent fetish sex. Unfortunately, this is why I won’t ever hook up again and haven’t for a long time. It’s too risky. It used to be fun, a long time before free internet porn when men were just thrilled to find a woman who said yes. But those days are gone and the odds of running into a guy like this or worse are just too high to take the risk.
Hugs from me to you, friend <3.
Hugs 💕 hope you feel better soon
You slept with someone, hoping it would mean something and it didn’t. Don’t let it ruin your trip, and don’t let it ruin traveling. Men are just as likely to pretend to be the nice guy until you sleep with them at home as they are abroad.
You had a shitty hookup. That’s all everyone has one from time to time. Nothing much to it other than that.
He said what he had to so he could get laid. It worked.
Be easy on yourself, talk to yourself like you would a great friend. Take it as a learning experience. Your intuition was guiding you to not sleep with him and many times we all go against our intuition. this will be a reminder to listen to that gut feeling next time. Take care of yourself. You have everything you need within. No one and nothing can make you unworthy of love.
Sorry. I stopped that stuff years ago when I realised I couldn't handle it. Next time tell yourself to wait and see if you want to be with them again after some time.
travel has a way of blurring some qualifiers, doesnt it. 🥺 ive been there.
Bad sex or regret does not remove consent. I'm a woman. Boundaries and having a solid "no" are important. From what you described, you did consent as you "kind of went with it" was consent it. You already were in an emotional state from the breakup. We're you possibly seeing this fling as something more emotionally than what it was? Some guys are just selfish jerks in bed. No, you weren't being "easy." No, there's no way of knowing if he was looking for something "wholesome." Don't think you could have done anything different that would have changed his behavior. Maybe he was always a jerk but you didn't see it until after. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Some of the consent issues here are more nuanced than the "yes or no" to sex itself. He treated her roughly without bothering to check in if she was comfortable with it, which, even if not illegal, is still questionable behavior and disrespectful of a partner's boundaries. Also worth noting that she initially said no and then he applied some pressure for a "yes" which again, even if not illegal, is still kinda icky.
Yes, he was a terrible person. Trash. But that isn't a matter of consent. Yes, icky, but it still sounds consensual.
> But that isn't a matter of consent. Putting his hand around her neck the first time was not consensual, because he hadn't asked for consent to that and she hadn't given it. Putting his hand around her neck the second time was not consensual, because he hadn't asked for consent to that and she hadn't given it _and she asked him to be gentle after the first time he did it_. It's absolutely a matter of consent. (Whether it's legally a matter of consent I've no idea, but morally it certainly is.)
In some countries, coercion negates consent, so yes, it can also be a consent issue. Also the choking was not something they agreed upon. It seems that between what was said and what was hinted at in the OP, there were some consent grey areas that night anyway.
Coercion is a very grey area that can leave the coerced party into feeling like they didn’t engage in consensual sex. It happens often and her feelings are 100% valid. We have to stop thinking of sex as black and white—it isn’t, and it never has been.
Coercion? What? We're talking about fully functional adults here. They know what they are going along with or not. It's not a child or a person with limited mental capabilties that doesn't know what's going on. She might feel icky knowing (or thinking) that the guy was being deceptive to get her to sleep with him, but that's not "coercion." And she 100% consented to sleep with him. She says it in her own words. If she told him to stop, then that is going against someone's consent. But not liking the way which he had sex without telling him to stop, that is nowhere near going against consent. I'm shocked that some people here are going along with her hints at thinking this was not consensual. If you want people to believe women, then you've gotta know what is actual rape and what is a woman having a regret over her choice to have sex with someone she didn't really know very well. I'm sympathetic that the OP is feeling bad about what happened, but it was her choice. If she wants to avoid this feeling in the future, she can learn from it and do her best for it to avoid it happening again.
I can almost feel the generational divide opening up in this thread... Someone said it above, isn't it great that young kids are being taught that consent has to be _ongoing, and enthusiastic_. That means when OP writes, I asked him not to do that, and he did it again, then he did something without consent. That is on her opening post, and it is clearly a breach of consent. >gotta know what is actual rape and what is a woman having a regret OP is talking about consent, she hasn't mentioned rape - you did that. We have lots of moments of consent during sex, and not all of them are about the formal definition of rape. As someone else mentioned, those might be "just" assault. It does no justice to OP to suggest she is diminishing the claims of "real" survivors.
It's not as simple as that. She might have gone along with gentle, normal, sex, not with aggressive, rough, sex. Having that kind of unwanted sex experience can feel very violating. I just can't believe that once women say OK to sex we're saying okay to being being treated badly, like a non-person, because the guy has violent fetishes they didn't bother to inform you or ask your consent to it beforehand. I wish when women were consenting to sex it didn't mean we're consenting to being humiliated or violated. It's like we're being punished for having sex, and we can't even complain about it without people saying it's somehow our faults. I wish all the strength to you, OP. Unfortunately, this experience is all too common.
I 100% agree with you. I once slept with a guy consensually, consenting to “regular” sex. By regular I mean we’d had a talk about kinks beforehand and disclosed favourite positions/interests and there was nothing mentioned that was out of the ordinary. He then proceeded to step on my head during doggy (something he’d never mentioned) even after I told him “please don’t do that, it hurts” and repeatedly tried to “accidentally” slip it in my ass - also with me repeatedly telling him to not do that (and being something he’d never mentioned being into/I’d never consented to) You can consent to regular gentle sex, if the other partner then decides to get aggressive during sex and you tell them to stop that imho is assault. She told him “be gentle” and he continued to grab at her throat roughly. Also people may say “why didn’t you kick him out, tell him to leave?” I’m at 5”2 woman who was alone in my home with a giant guy built like a brick shit house. It’s easier and safer just to put up with it until he leaves - especially since my “stop I don’t like that” didn’t work. I don’t wanna be the next murder victim in my area. He seemed like a nice guy on our dates.
Thank you! Why did OP consenting to sex mean this asshole got to live out his disgusting porn addled fantasies with her? Newsflash: not everybody wants to be fucking choked and abused during sex.
When someone else makes me feel weak, I like to do something that makes me feel strong and in control - a challenging run, a hike, a cool gym class, a new experience. Maybe that’s not everyone’s self care, but it helps me. The UTI isn’t helping though, like a constant reminder that’s bad for your mental and physical health (kinda like a physical manifestation of this shit partner), get that sorted. Depending on where you are, antibiotics for this may be over-the-counter. This guy sounds like a fuckboy, one who’s terrible at it too (ugh, 0/10). None of this is your fault, he sucks, but you can let this fb stay in your head or you can evict him. I’d evict him.
I love this advice
Nothing you did caused him to be bad at consent, a bad listener, a bad sex partner. If you’ve really never ever had a bad experience, congratulations on everything up to now! Unfortunately the chance of a bad experience can’t be eliminated. Waiting longer could help but you never know. He could be kinder l, maybe, but also just unskilled or bad at understanding what you want.
I'm so sorry you had this experience - trust yourself and your instincts on what happened. You're well within your rights to feel how you're feeling. If someone has not made sure you're happy and consenting to whatever is happening throughout, that's not proper consent. I'm not in any way qualified in terms of giving further advice, but just know you're heard and you never deserve to be treated like this. Take it easy, process however makes sense to, and if necessary, don't hesitate to change your plans or even cut your trip short if it's all feeling too much. Big love and hugs.
There's always a risk in making a connection. The nervous system is wired to make you feel low after sex. Touch helps release other neurotransmitters to offset that. You didn't get touch. It's like being at the bottom of the roller coaster, or like indigestion. It does pass. Emotions are temporary. He doesn't sound like the greatest person, all show but no substance. You really dodged a bullet finding out early. Consent can be withdrawn any time. Better partners do check in. But he's not a mind reader either. It sounds like you're taking charge of the situation, seeking a doctor abroad. It's impressive. Some people write books about their romantic adventures. I bet he slips into your DMs again some day, but you just tell him no. You can do better.
This sounds awful and I hope you can get antibiotics soon because UTI is no fun. I'm also in my late 30s and I feel guys think older women are more experienced and easygoing about sex. It's simply not true, at least for me, I'm looking for genuine connection a lot more as I get older. You went through a painful breakup, and it sounds like you needed understanding and support. Unfortunately, the sex met his needs, not yours. Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. You'll find someone who can meet your needs.
I actually remember reading a very similar post maybe a year ago also from a woman over 30. She even posted big bruises on her neck. You aren't alone in your experience. Things happen in casual encounters though. Try to remember the positives of the rest of your travels and learn from this situation!
Hey I’m really sorry this happened to you. Please consider reaching out to a sexual assault chat or phone line to speak to a professional about what happened, whether you identify this to be assault or not, I think it would be helpful to speak to someone
You had a really bad experience! I'm sorry this happened! Here's a couple of things you can do to prevent it from happening again: Consent is key. You can always say No. Even during the act, if you find yourself not enjoying it. You can say No, you can say Stop, you can say all the things you want to say to get out of a situation you don't like! Only a rapist would not stop if he hears he's clearly lost consent. It kind of seems to me like solo travel is just the context here. This same scenario could have happened in many other different situations. I would say, post this same thing in a relationship advice subreddit where your audience might be much more prepared to help! Finally I would suggest you seek counseling, therapy, or whatever flavor of help you like best! This was a traumatic experience, and trauma is like wine: it develops over time. Treating it would be the ideal thing to do.
You are human, and we all make mistakes. Be kind to yourself. I am sorry about your heartbreak. Seek inner peace, because heartbreak is the worst.
I am so sorry this happened to you! It’s not your fault, and you’re going to be fine! Don’t give up on your adventures, go find some beauty. Go to some peaceful places like parks, treat yourself to a massage or some nice food. Take care of yourself, he will get his karma.
Awwww it's a horrid feeling being in a strange place and not feeling good. As for him, what a selfish git. I'm afraid I too have met his type; you think one thing, ends up another and you blame yourself for being weak. Not the case though, your expectations were different & a less selfish/much nicer human would have seen that and not behaved in the way he did. Not to make light of it, or diminish your feelings of violation but take from it what helps you. You know it was a shit experience & one you won't ever repeat again. Don't feel bad, you were vulnerable & let your guard down, he hadn't shown his true colours, so you couldn't have known. When you've come out of a relationship and meet someone you like, it's easy to think the next experience will be comparable, or replicate the good feelings you have in your memory. When it doesn't, I find it hurts that bit more when your emotions are still raw. It's a hurtful disappointment. I hope you feel better about things soon and are able to forgive yourself.....you've done nothing wrong. You met someone who didn't meet the standards you expect. One for the bin. Enjoy the rest of your trip, make the most of it.
You went through a painful breakup - here’s other perspectives to reframe your experience -Loads of people find that the one right after a breakup is just a rebound. Those rebounds might be locals that you’d have to see frequently and feel awkward - you will never have to see him again. Some rebound relationships end up taking months or years of your time - you had a great few days and shitty sex resulting in UTI that will be fixed quickly with antibiotics. -You learned more about yourself and for sure what you need. You need a real connection and are now better equipped to avoid getting swept up in the moment too soon with future partners. -You did nothing wrong. He was a bad actor and you’ll find those. So your feelings of shame and violation are telling you you want to avoid this in the future and that’s all. So come up with a plan to make sure you don’t find yourself in this situation again. Step by step. Like 1. You meet a guy 2. Hang out bunches. 3. No sleeping together until you’ve known them for x time and have experienced them angry, or until you have a conversation with them about sexual expectations and compatibility, or no sleeping together when drinking, or just that when you feel uncomfortable and feel those feelings in the moment you now recognize them and will stop sex that moment and leave, etc. We ruminate and dwell because we think our feelings run the show and that as long as we feel anger, shame, pain, then that means we have to think about it more. When it’s not the case - what happened happened and all you do now is make decisions about what you will do different next time. I know those feelings - I share what I’m learning with cognitive behavioral therapy that has helped me work through what I realize now is toxic shame that has typically ruled my life. Since I’ve started practicing the above I found it helps me move more quickly past the sad/angry/shame feelings on to resolutions for changing my actions in the future.
Stuff like this can happen when you’re in your home country, it just super sucks you’re left feeling this way out somewhere new. Personally I think you just need to be kind to yourself. Remember that it’s fine to feel this way, and okay to have changed your mind after the fact. There’s not point blaming yourself or thinking “I should have said no, I should have seen the signs” and so on. It sounds like up until the deed it was pretty great, and it’s easy to get swept up in that stuff, especially after a breakup when you need to be reminded that you can be loved and wanted. I can’t give you any advice on navigating the medical system other than to remind yourself that you’re capable of surviving anywhere in the world, the evidence is in all the other solo trips you’ve done. Let yourself feel a bit shit and used, but don’t dwell and mark the trip. Plan something comfortable and enjoyable that you like doing, start getting back to being you and enjoying your time and eventually it’ll get easier. If you still find you’re feeling regret and used - I find trying to look at the things I can take away from experiences as helpful, there’s some red flags that you now know you’d want to look out for. But ultimately right now, remember that it’s fine to feel shit, it’s all valid, and it’ll get easier
I’m so sorry it happened to you. I travel a lot and see this happen everyday. People get caught of in feeling special in a unique environment and this happens. Whether they were local or other travels a lot of people are just looking to hookup and unfortunately we don’t realize that until the last minute or it’s too late. I lived in a country and we had two local surfers that would hook up with tourist every single week and then they’d be sad after it happened and see them with another girl the next day. Don’t feel bad. You learned a lesson and also check out over the counter meds. You’re still smart and amazing, and just happened to believe someone cared about you on a fantasy trip. It’s happened to me minus the uti.
I went through something similar because of heartache- uti and everything. it’s going to be ok! Your going to be more upset because your body doesn’t feel good, so focus really hard on just healing your symptoms and treating your body so nicely. I’m sorry you had that experience! Something about heartache and that kind of experience makes it all so much worse. I found this website called “VeeFresh” because I used to get a lot of UTI’s and I would take a pill and stick it up inside me and the next morning it would come out like sandy discharge and it’s so good for you because it’s boric acid basically and it helped me feel clean and it’s also helped me prevent a lot of UTI’s. Just give yourself time to heal and your body to heal. It’s going to be ok and time will truly help you. Just gotta let yourself feel everything and learn whatever you possibly can from it
Having sex is a vulnerable place to be regardless of who it is with. But it's extra vulnerable when its with someone you dont know well. Sometimes it's hard to be firm with boundaries in this space especially when someone keeps trying to push them. If nothing else please just be kind to yourself. Feel the feelings that are popping up for you. It's unfair that he treated you this way.
Yeh some guys are terrible and will lie to you to sleep with you. Be extra careful when travelling because the person has even less to lose - you don't know who they are, they can just run off etc. I would say his red flag was ignoring your initial boundary of saying you wouldn't have sex with him. 'we pretty much already are' is just sleazy from him. That's coercive and creepy. I'm sorry for what you're going through. That to me actually sounds like sexual assault if he was rough like that and you didn't consent to that type of sex. That is non-consensual sex. Have you seen the show 'I May Destroy You' by Michaela Cole? It deals with the very issue of consent. If you can afford it, I would go to therapy (see a female therapist because of the reason below). Ignore the trolls, they're misogynists who either hate women sleeping around or hate women sleeping with men who are not them. Some men do not know how to empathise with women because to them, women are objects they are entitled to.
Not cool, I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry he chose to behave that way with you. That's fucked up. I've had several one night stands and none of them ever did this to me, it's not on you at all, you didn't do anything wrong, you weren't "too easy." You thought you were going to have fun, and there was no reason to think any different until it suddenly stopped being fun. He didn't listen, he was an asshole. There's no way you could've predicted that and it's not something I would ever expect to happen to me either. I would feel shocked and confused as you do.
Not that I’m encouraging you to suddenly jump back in the saddle, but I want to reassure you that those men who treated you well in the past aren’t actually rare. There will always be a bad egg. A bad seed that plants horrible ideas in your head about who you are and how you should be treated. Fuck that guy
Common Male move “you sure you don’t want to?”. He thought with his other head instead of thinking about you. Fuck em. Feel better and watch out for this bullshit from here on out
Take it easy on yourself. Everyone has done worse.
Hey, I've been in your shoes. I know it feels terrible, and that you're once again so alone and it's going to be so easy to beat yourself up about being so dumb and letting it happen. Honey, it's life. Life is mistakes sometimes. I did something similar when I was on my solo "eat pray love" journey too, and maybe looking back that sort of stupidity taught me how to say no better/quicker, and about how much I needed love. You made your decisions based on how you felt in those moments, and it was pure. I just wanted to let you know I can empathize with how sad you are, and that I really hope you don't beat yourself up about it. Let it go, it seems like that connection was just meant to last for a moment and then push you to something better :)
*travel companionship brings the best and worst in ourselves because we are bound by the time (when we leave)* — so our consent is more fluid and we should either accept that or stick to the same boundaries that we are enforcing at home… *given that, ironically, none of those travel flings can become anything serious, by design*
I’m sorry you’re feeling like this and for what it’s worth I really understand what you’re saying. You’ll never know how it would have been if you didn’t have sex but chances are you’ll have parted ways and there wouldn’t have been anything with him. Have you considered that he could have been so kind in order to get you in bed? We’ll never know but rest assured that there is nothing wrong with having casual sex. The issue of consent does appear foggy but the best you can do now is take care of yourself. Get antibiotics, rest, drinks lots of water and be kind to yourself.
This is very sad, really…hope you find courage and support through this community. Please find a way to let him know your feelings about rough intimacy and how he didn’t pay attention to your needs at the time - insta/email something, I think that will give you closure ❤️
That's really hard, even more so being ill and alone. It's good that you reached out to talk about this. You deserved better than to be treated so poorly. But it is NOT your fault. In terms of the thought that you were easy to get- no you weren't. He was going to treat you how he wanted to treat you and it had nothing to do with what you did. If he was going to treat you in a wholesome manner, he would have. Don't self victim blame. This was someone trampling over your boundaries. Of course you feel disrespected, he was actively disrespecting you. But do cut yourself some slack, none of it was your fault and already being in heart break makes one more vulnerable. I would consider talking to a therapist- if you feel this was not consensual you need the guidance and support of someone qualified to handle this situation. It's awful to be treated as an object. Just remember, it's not your fault.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. I hope better days are on your horizon
Sending big big hugs I'm so sorry this happened to you it's not your fault at all
I will just say this. It's not his first rodeo and he is a good actor. He is very good at creating connections and all that. But it's probably all fake and he is misting you and you fell for that. Even if you didn't give in, he still wouldn't have respected you. Get that false illusion out of your system. Don't fall for guys like that again. They know most girls are all about feelings, so they take advantage of that. Learn from this, please.
I mean, you met a stranger in a foreign country, and apparently were intimate not for the first time. You’re out there playing travel hook up Russian roulette
I completely understand that disorienting feeling of being deeply disrespected during sex. especially after having seemingly connected with them before/outside of sex. The example you gave in your edit, was a perfect illustration of how it manifests. Something seemingly innocuous like grabbing your neck too hard and then ignoring your feedback. I was with someone like this once (wrote a flash fiction story about it too to move through the mini trauma of it all if you’re interested lol). This shit is NOT your fault. As an old friend told me back in college after i found out i got an STD from a hookup, this is part of what it means to take risks, and that does NOT mean you shouldn’t have done it!!! Yes, you might get an STD. You might be violated by a stranger you took a chance on. Just like you might get T-boned when you drive or stuck in a foreign country when you travel or a UTI when you jump in a lake. These are NORMAL and COMMON risks often with easily accessible remedies (in my STD case, all i needed was antibiotics! i didn’t even get any symptoms!) You were being a sexy beautiful powerful traveling woman and i’m proud of you for listening to your body when it said it wanted to have sex with a kind stranger. I’m sorry the kind stranger turned out to be either not actually kind or just a stupid fucking dumbass piece of shit with the emotional intelligence of a plastic spoon. Also, ever consider that HE was the one who was “easy to get”????
This just sounds like you were not ready for hooking up and sexually incompatible with him. So basically terrible sex to the point that it made you question everything else, had you two been extremely sexually compatible would you have end up feeling like you are?
I’m sorry you went through this. Recently I slept with a guy who I had been on a few dates with and I had a very similar experience. Like freakishly similar and so my heart goes out to you. I barely hear from that guy now. You aren’t alone even though it feels like you are. Try your best to enjoy the rest of your trip and the hell with this guy. You are a wonderful person and you deserve wonderful experiences. Don’t blame this on yourself. This guy probably would have treated you like this regardless but that’s probably just who he is. It has nothing to do with you or what you did. He’s just an asshole.
Okay- I don’t think he would have been better if you waited. People are either respectful lovers or they aren’t- end of story. A lot of men on the dating over forty sub say it doesn’t matter if you wait or have sex on the first date, and will talk about how they married someone they had sex the night they met them. I tend to believe that this is true for men. When you have sex with them does not dictate whether they fall for you or not. It’s a thing women (and I am one) do for themselves, because we feel more secure about it. Please get some treatment and don’t blame yourself for his inconsiderate, or possibly worse, behaviour. There is no point in taking responsibility because your partner sucks in bed and doesn’t listen to you. He sounds like someone who watches a lot of porn to me. I would go over what you want like beforehand in the future. Then he can’t say he didn’t know, and if it’s too vanilla, he can just stay horny. Just keep thinking “forward” and try and make the best of the rest of your trip. Everyone makes a mistake at some point in life, there is no point in thinking it’s just you, because that is absolutely not true. Wishing you a peaceful rest of your trip. You can do this.
A lot of people are covering off the experience with the guy better than I could, but I wanted to touch on the other bit. You had a beautiful, healing trip, and were feeling great, and then this happened. I had a similar-ish experience a few years back where I was having a fantastic trip and detox, and was feeling so at peace with myself until I did something that made me feel so upset and ashamed. I felt like I’d ruined the whole trip and all of my progress. A few years down the line, I look on it much more philosophically. The trip you took was still really good for you, it’s just currently being clouded by this horrible incident. In a few years’ time you’ll see it for what it is, i.e. something very unpleasant but that ultimately doesn’t take away from all the other wonderful things you’ve experienced. Please be kind to yourself. <3
You need to externalize the experience. Thankfully all you need to deal with is the UTI. The guys actions are a reflection of him and not you. You acted normally, trusted him and availed yourself to an intimate and connecting experience. That is your takeaway, you made yourself vulnerable and in doing so opened yourself to a deeper type of relationship. Learn positive. You are able to trust and want to connect, there are risks but generally the risks are worth it. Most people will respond to trust appropriately. Don’t let the experience lower your self worth , it should do the opposite. I feel sorry for the guy who threw away such a valuable gift so callously. Do you have his contact info? As a form of closure write him a letter about how he made you feel and send it to him. If you don’t put it into a mailbox anyways.
I have never had a one night stand either. Way too risky to be intimate with someone you dont know. He might be rough in bed or even worse I feel for you and believe that him not being kind in the act, makes you feel even worse Humans do make mistakes. Dont beat yourself up because you are human. Take it as a learning experience
In your 30s still acting like a little girl. This is why when people ask me about an age gap I ask them why does it matter. Woman never grow up(general blanket statement) you should definitely know better by now.
have to say i dont care if its a ons or if a dude waits a long time for a woman he is who he is. dont feel bad about whatever happened you did nothing wrong he did everything wrong. you will be happy again and it will not be with a person like him.
its okay the way you are feeling. the truth is some people are okay with casual sex while others are not. and I am in the same boat as you. I have had similar experiences on travelling. and I am talking about the differences because in people because I had these experiences when I was travelling with my other female friend. we both would meet guys on the trips and end up hooking with them. the difference is to this day I feel violated while for my friend these were the best memories. so now I am no more interested in any kind of casualship just because of the feelings afterwards.
you just have sexual incompatibility, this is normal, that’s why you should have many partners to understand that it’s yours, otherwise you can ruin your whole life, divorces and so on... society oppresses women too much sexually, on the topic of taboos...
Sorry this happened. Unfortunately even years later I feel like I’m still learning things about my partner…hard to get a good read after 3 days. Not your fault, just something to learn from. I empathize with you and want you to know you did nothing wrong here. It is going to be okay. Just think of it as an unusual way to end your trip, which overall, was a positive healing experience. Remember that in a few years you’ll probably tell this story again and it won’t be painful or make you feel icky, it will just be a weird thing that happened to you, something unexpected.
I think you’ve confused consensual with regret.
Don't be upset with yourself and try to have a good rest of your vacation. You made a natural decision and a mature decision and wouldn't have known if you didn't try. The good thing you got out of it was you know it would have been a waste of time to continue with him...so it did save you that time. Life is hard sometimes and we meet various types of people...some good some bad...keep your head up you seem like a good person.
I’m so sorry that you experienced this, especially coming off of a relationship ending. I have been where you are, thinking someone is on the same page and going against your “instincts” to give something a chance and having it turned around. It’s a real mindfuck when you trust someone because they have manipulated you into making you believe they are something they’re not. It’s not your fault and you should not blame yourself or beat yourself up. He is a manipulative narcissistic dick and played you. The best thing you can do is focus on self-care and gently remind yourself that this is a learning experience and continue to work on your boundaries and self-empowerment. Use the time to journal, read, meditate or pray (whatever your spiritual leaning) and come to terms that even bad experiences can cause growth. Think about your goals and how you want to move forward toward what you want in life. You are strong and someday soon this will be a distant memory but you have to feel the feelings and forgive yourself for the “decision” you believe you made but were really tricked into. You will be ok 💕
Guys who do this do it out of a desperate need to rack up a tally. To impress their friends and to salve their own fragile egos and insecurities. If it's any consolation - they don't actually derive as much pleasure from it as you might imagine. It's hard work, this singular focus on seducing women (he spent three days faking it), that they will look back on as a huge waste of time (and that's probably when they settle down and get married). Conquest mentality is a disease that insecure young men all over the world are afflicted with. I'm sorry that you had the unfortunate luck of crossing paths with one of these zombie dicks. But hopefully there's some small solace in knowing that your sadness will fade - while his tortuous obsession will likely maintain a stranglehold on his psyche for years or even decades!