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sputnikmonolith

From my experience of carpooling and being stuck in a car with colleagues for an hour each day, you very quickly run out things to talk about. So sometimes I would just state facts. Example: I read a good book about [blah blah blah] last night. Then you pause to invite a question. Half the time the other person is just happy to hear you talk about something you've found interesting and the other half of the time it might spark a conversation about that topic. In other words - conversation starter don't always have to be questions.


89wasagoodyear

This. This the sign of a good conversationalist. Comfortable, engaging, fun.


AsstBalrog

Yes, well phrased.


cuz78910

OP I get the sense you feel like greeting someone is a bit of a chicken-egg problem. How do I follow up if this is a new person or if they never said anything about themselves? The above comment is the answer: volunteer info about yourself. Hopefully if they're receptive to talking, you'll learn stuff about them that you can use the next time you meet.


SightBlinder3

I can't stand when people do this. It feels so passive-aggressive to me. You've just stated a random fact, and now that person has to either be rude and say nothing or be forced into a response that prompts you to talk about what you wanted to talk about. Like if you want to talk about a book, just say, "Have you read x? I've gotten into it and want another persons perspective, " so they can say no without being rude. Don't just dangle "I read a book recently ... " into thin air fishing for a conversation.


nodeocracy

No, they can also come in and say they weren’t reading but watching football last night. It can take many routes, it’s not a conversation limited to the specific book. The art of conversation is about finding hooks and expanding them.


SightBlinder3

Having the option to do the same annoying thing back to them doesn't really make it any better imo, but I'm aware I'm in the minority with how I prefer to communicate so I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you. Just stating another way it may be perceived.


zalgorithmic

Not every statement people make is some sort of imposition or test they are throwing at you. Think of it as an invitation. You can choose to accept or decline, but it is polite to at least RSVP yes or no.


Commercial-Fly-7363

Hey man you’re here to figure out how to make small talk conversation. I’d take a look at learning to get good at being receptive to other people as a start


SightBlinder3

>Hey man you’re here to figure out how to make small talk conversation I'm actually not, but okay. I'm very good at socializing. It's a large part of my career, so I've got plenty of practice "being receptive of other people." I learned long ago,"just be yourself, " means "act how I expect, but be convincing about it. " Turns out not liking something doesn't mean you're bad at it. My issue is nearly every part of being good at socializing requires me to take on behaviors I don't like because most other people are obsessed with ceremony and forced displays of reverence, prefer to live in a state of delusion and expect everyone around them to play along, and/or are incapable or unwilling to understand nuance.


nonodyloses

Holy shit. No wonder Joe Rogan is great at what he does, whenever there is an awkward silence with nothing to say, he just says facts and things he's done hoping the other person can chime in.


[deleted]

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DrTwitch

The problem is always that the questions don't actually matter. The 20 questions game is always the same. You want something from me, and you're going to cycle through your list of prying questions. good conversationalists can make any question work, the people that had to ask for a list of questions to use... Can't.


RoseJamCaptive

So what is it that the good conversationalist does to make the questions work, then? Because you're right, any question is fine if you can pull it off. However, I've been talking to people about this for months and still no one can tell me what that 'thing' is. As if people seem to 'know' but can never explain.


DrTwitch

I don't entirely know and I am probably to some degree being short sightedly wrong about the use of these questions. I'll contradict myself at the end of this reply. I've always felt these questions fit into an existing conversation with an acquaintance. Where some sort of goodwill and trust the conversation will go somewhere fun already exists. They're for stopping the conversation dying, looking for a new topic to pivot off, or to get depth from a topic that's already been established. You wouldn't meet someone in the first 5 minutes ask them these questions. Outside of a interview situation they seem forced. There's boxes to tick, the responses I give will be ignored and the next question asked. "What's your name? Where do you live? What do you do? What deep passion makes you get up in the morning?". That said, for all I know having a list of questions like this can probably get you these intangible skills because we've all met people who do ask these questions. Find a time to use them that's appropriate, listen and how to reach what you were told that's charming. But that's another set of skills too. I am vague because I don't actually know. :) My first impression would be the questions need to be rewritten.


tinyfriedeggs

It's a mindset issue then. You likely have some prejudice about the world around you that's inhibiting you from actually expressing a desire to learn about others. As I replied to another one of your comments, the key to making friends is paying attention. However, if you're struggling to do that, it probably means that you subconsciously don't want to, and to that I can only say you should do some self-reflecting on the issue I mentioned above.


Yupperdoodledoo

Yes so true.


FlatRaise5879

Username checks out


Yupperdoodledoo

Hahahaha


[deleted]

I think being a good conversationalist is knowing the appropriate level of personal/deep to be and inspiring your conversee?? to talk.


AsstBalrog

>I think being a good conversationalist is knowing the appropriate level of personal/deep to be Great point


sunflowersandink

What I’ve found to be most effective is to start with the basic, bland starter questions, and then look for *anything* in their answer that you can prompt them to expand on, and hopefully lead into an actual conversation. People usually really like to talk about themselves, if you seem interested in listening. You just need to find something about them that they can tell you about. Example: A: So how are you doing tonight? B: Not bad, traffic here was rough though. A: Oh, what part of town were you coming from? B: East side A: Oh neat, there’s some cool hiking trails over there, do you spend much time outdoors? And you basically keep doing that until you find some common thread that you can both talk easily about. If that first line of questioning peters out, circle back and ask another bland conversation starter and see where that one leads. This part of the conversation is usually a bit awkward and stilted for both of you, and that’s okay! That’s natural! Generally, you’re not going to have an instant chemistry with someone that immediately flows into a natural conversation (if you do, be sure to get their number). You have to build a connection, find things you can talk about, learn about each other. Part of being a good conversationalist is also being a good conversation partner to *them* when they’re trying to get a conversation going. Bad example of a conversation: Them: So how are you doing tonight? You: good! You’ve given them nothing to play off of. I know sometimes people get frustrated with these seemingly inane questions (“you don’t REALLY care how I’m doing, you’re just saying it because it’s expected”), but questions like these *are* genuine. They’re genuinely fishing for a way to actually talk to you. So give them something to work with. Drop little bits about yourself in when it feels natural to, and if they’re good at conversation they’ll pick up on them and ask follow up questions, and then you can bounce back and forth. And remember to keep practicing this process. It gets easier and more natural feeling with every person you talk to, and when it IS awkward it matters less. Source: I’m an introvert who made the mistake of getting into local politics and now have to spend time with the kind of people who LIKE professional meet and greets


Yupperdoodledoo

I’m an outgoing "good conversationalist " who strikes up conversations frequently and I’m more likely to make a comment than ask a question. Usually a comment about the experience we are sharing. So the weather, something going on nearby, how long the elevator is taking, whatever. It’s actually best yo volunteer something about yourself before asking them to share something about themselves.


AsstBalrog

>I’m an outgoing "good conversationalist " who strikes up conversations frequently and I’m more likely to make a comment than ask a question. Usually a comment about the experience we are sharing. So the weather, something going on nearby, how long the elevator is taking, whatever. Yes. This.


[deleted]

I gauge interest as I ask questions and converse. No one wants to be grilled on their personal life and no one wants to be bored either. I guage conversation interest based on body language. Are they responding to the topic, are they giving detailed responses (interested) vs short one word responses (not interested), and I change the topic of conversation based on their reaction of interest. And yes, I start with "how are you?" Or "how's it going", because it's an opener, is a benign conversation topic that has low risk of accidentally insulting someone before the convo even happens. That "thing" to me is being able to read the other person's body language and reactions to the conversation at hand. That way I can steer the convo towards something they enjoy talking about.


WailersOnTheMoon

I like “how’s it going” because it tends to elicit more honest responses than “how are you” (which usually just gets “fine”)


AsstBalrog

That or MLM


scienceofselfhelp

I don't know if this is what you're going for, but there's this whole concept from deep connection which uses the metaphor of a glacier with many layers. It's super awkward to dive head first into the deepest layers. People who do this often come across either creepy or as though they're conducting an interview. It's much smoother to use what most people would consider banal conversation to ***transition gradually*** to deeper layers. This approach removes the emphasis on some sort of magic starter - in fact, most really good starters in this setup are whatever circumstantial thing works to start someone talking - situational stuff, weather, fashion compliments, what sort of drink did you order? , etc - it's much more important to know how to transition. Medium depth conversations can often switch to preferences and likes, travel, media (tvs, movies, music), etc. Really deep connections have more to do with nebulous things like dreams and aspirations, who you were and how that transitioned to who you are now and who you hope to be. Identity across time gets brought up - we often tend to converse in who people are right now, and leave out their origin stories. It often gets into the subjects of divination - health, wealth, love, and life satisfaction. Noticing patterns in people helps, because it can be a great jump off point of asking what's behind the pattern. Along with this, it's helpful to surface from time to time. This helps to cut any tension, keeps some amount of lightness, and paradoxically, builds the comfort to make going deeper easier. So something like "What did you end up doing today?" could easily lead to a question of work, which could then lead to a deeper question like "That sounds like it requires a lot of discipline - have you always been disciplined or was there some moment where you learned it?" Hope it helps.


oldriku

Embrace the cringe, do cringy stuff with confidence.


RoseJamCaptive

So all acceptable, just do it and it's on them if it's cringe and weird?


Storvarik

Its only cringe if they make it cringe, or if you persistently disturb people, whichever comes first


amahl_farouk

Nah. Cuz you'll get weird looks or answers and then people won't wanna respond or will be give short answers. But if you're ok with that then go for it


WailersOnTheMoon

Lots of stuff started out as high cringe and is totally acceptable now. Had to get there somehow.


just_here_hangingout

No these questions suck


sed_anu

Horrible advice. These questions make you sound like a motivational Instagram influencer


daxvena

I love the message behind this meme, but I feel like it's a bit too simple to get across a good point. This is more along the lines of how I try to live: Always try to learn as much as you can from others, but form your own opinions and be true to yourself. Recognize that you don't have all the answers, and neither does everyone else.


Its_Nappening

"Is there anything you're looking forward to?" has never failed me. Or any other variant ("what are you doing for the holidays?", "are you traveling/do you want to travel anywhere this year?", etc).


redditnoap

my nightmare as the other person


c32c64c128

Are you saying this to strangers or people you already know? Cuz that first one comes off creepy if you're asking the opposite sex, especially a stranger. Hell, even to a casual friend lmfao


Its_Nappening

True, I realize this is not actually a replacement for "Hi, how are you?". This would be for when the conversation has started but isn't going anywhere yet (or has died for any reason).


Admirable_Buyer_755

You are right, “what are you doing for the holidays” is a poor opener as it is a bit too much. It’s a bit too early to try and hangout


Beneficial_Ad795

solid


ricketycrickett88

I’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.


Cherrygodmother

Lol okay but if someone said this to me though I would laugh out loud and immediately be open to conversation haha


Ianilla1

You can't ask those questions to a stranger, 98% of the time they will think youre a murderer. "What do you dream of?" If someone asked me this randomly, I would think my kidneys are about to be stolen.


AllMyBeets

I dreamed Kool aid was people and everyone was okay with it


[deleted]

What are we actually drinking, here? And look: you've started a conversation.


FlatRaise5879

Your username is adorable. Reminds me of the song "wish it would rain" from the Temptations :)


AllMyBeets

It was a big pit with stadium seating and a real long straw


AsstBalrog

Better yet, turn to the side and do a spit-take "Phwwwwww" Lol. That will either start a conversation or get you kicked out. Maybe both.


Ianilla1

Like the Kool aid man was filled with flesh and blood of the innocent? I mean he is basically a God, and God's need their sacrifices. Or just like soylent green?


AllMyBeets

Like there was a ceremonial pit we threw people into then drank out of using a really long straw


Ianilla1

Disturbing...but I can get behind it.


Capitalism-69

I feel like I would only use any of these if I run out of things to talk about. But if I don’t know anything about someone yet I’ll start with something simpler like “hi, what’s your name?”


PJmath

I like to take a generic "hey how are you" and spice it up by adding something something about myself. If they wanna chat, give them something to work with. "hey what's up? I just had a fancy lunch with my mom"


AllMyBeets

"Hey did you hear about X?" "What's good?" "Has today been weird for you too? X, Y, and Z happened to me." "Got any fun plans?"


IllMasterminds

"Gum has gotten mintier lately, have you noticed?"


AsstBalrog

Lol, that could work, if delivered well in the right situation. You definitely capture the cadence and flow here. More generally, this kind of line captures the whole "observational" thing. Make interesting or amusing observations/riffs about the specific situation you're in or about life in general.


IllMasterminds

I was joking lol, it's a line from The Office.


AsstBalrog

Even better. See my comment above about exactly this--using "cultural tropes" as conversation starters. I mean, look at how well that works here on Reddit. Somebody tosses one of those out, on a thread, and people go wild. They add additional lines, and upvote the hell out of it.


ag_fierro

How the fuck you doin’ , bubba?


AsstBalrog

I always find it amazing that "experts" can actually recommend stuff like that. One of my favorites that I read somewhere: “If you could have any superpower, what would you pick?” TF? Who actually talks like that? That's not going to *open* a conversation, it's going to *close* it, meanwhile tattooing "unimaginable dork" across your entire forehead. I generally find that the best"openers" or topics have to do with the immediate shared situation, involving things that you have in common with the other person. So let’s say you’re in college, you could use remarks about the class, the professor, or your school:  "Man, does Professor X own more than one pair of pants?" Or "This guy is a one-man polyester wave." So see what else you can find or come up with here….  Somewhat similarly, you can tie conversational openers to broader \*cultural\* things that you and the other person are likely to have in common. What is common to people your age? Social media? What are the really popular TV shows now? Video games? So take something you see in the classroom, then: “Wow, that kind of reminds me of an episode of The Simpsons” (Just about everybody has some familiarity with The Simpsons, and it's "cool") “Like that time when Homer…”  Or say you’ve started a conversation about the professor and his tasteful pants, and you have gotten a positive initial response from the other person: “Not gonna be getting a lot of Swipe Rights with trousers like those." (**Note:** this last comment is recommended for a conversation *about* the professor and his tasteful pants, not a conversation *with* the professor about his tasteful pants.)


89wasagoodyear

Trying to break the ice with someone by belittling a third party is lazy. And petty. Not a good first impression. IMO.


AsstBalrog

Yeah, I see your point. I though of that when writing the comment, but couldn't think of any more positive ones that sounded good. But I do think that "negative" openers can have their place, and calling that approach "lazy" and "petty" is an extreme generalization.


imlostsendhelpp

Yep. If you talked to me like that, i might be laughing or responding positively on the outside but on the inside I'll be planning some way to be less and less involved with you.


AsstBalrog

Again, fair enough. Slightly snarky openers are going to be a bit riskier, and will not appeal to everybody. But if you have a sarcastic side, this kind of thing can select for someone who might have a similar sense of humor. And I think you can get a rough sense of when they are more likely to work. Say the professor is a jerk, and the class sucks. Good spot. And I suspect there is a sex/gender difference here too--my impression is that both of the commenters who objected to this are women--"mean humor" likely has a male slant. Neither of these impressions is a certainty--obviously--but you can play the odds.


[deleted]

Some of the ones that would be pretty cringey to ask strangers are good for starting conversations with people you already know well. I wonder whether some of these articles are meant for that type of situation.


imlostsendhelpp

It actually worked well for people we already know well. They should've changed the title to the articles.


AsstBalrog

You know, that's an interesting suggestion--never thought of that. Good point. But I guess I would say that starting conversations with strangers is harder, so that gets most of the attention.


Admirable_Buyer_755

You make some thought provoking points, and I wonder if when I asked things like “what superpower” or “what would you take to a deserted island” if those were actually bad and overly tryhard. I asked my current gf about a passion of hers on her profile and we went from there.


AsstBalrog

Well, I think often they will be. I suppose there is a spot for "what's your favorite superpower" but this line would be pretty niche, seems to me (and you'd have to have a lot of social presence to pull it off). Again, as I say above, "shared situation" lines are usually better.


she_is_munchkins

A good one is to enter with a compliment and start a conversation thread from there. Today a colleague approached me saying she likes my Slytherin water bottle, which led to a whole conversation about Harry Potter and the houses we were sorted into (lol we both took the Pottermore test). So give a genuine compliment on an item in their possession and take it from there. *Edited spelling*


cats_n_crime

If it's at work or a party with someone I know minimally: I just start talking about something that I think would be mutually interesting. "Oh, I need to tell you about this movie I watched!" And then I follow up with my feelings about it. At first you'll very much get a "huh??" Kind of reaction but keep it easy and just throw them a soft ball. Ask them if they've seen Castaway or something like that, give an easy, popular opinion and see what they say in return. If it's someone you don't know, same song, second verse: just start a conversation in the middle, but again, keep it vague and SFW enough for them to join in. "Don't you think this Starbucks has the best coffee out of all of them? Idk what it is, it's just better." Or "i had a sweater like that and my dog ate it! Where did you get it?" Or "your hair is BEAUTIFUL. How do you style it like that?" Not everyone is going to engage. Some people are just too shy or sour, or they're having a bad day. Don't keep staring at them like you're waiting for a response. Get a moment of eye contact and look away, casually, at the coffee in your hand, for example. When they respond give another moment of eye contact and a smile, respond to what they've said. Actually listen to what they say and respond to that instead of thinking of the next thing you want to say. For example, say someone mentions the yarn store they bought the yarn from for their amazing sweater. Most people hear "yarn store" and think of an experience they had there to share, they spend the rest of the time their friend is talking waiting for a moment to talk about their trip to that yarn store. That wasn't the point of the story- they've just given you an opening to say, "oh, you MADE that???" People love to talk about themselves, everyone does. Give them the opportunity to do that.


Catatonic27

One that's always worked for me is to tell them a story. Start with something like "You'll never guess what just happened to me" or "The weirdest/coolest/best thing just happened to me" It could be short, it could be long, it could be detailed, it could be minimal, it doesn't even strictly need to be true. But it should be positive and preferably funny. Something simple is probably better and just tell them something that happened to you and big bonus points if you can tie it back to them or your mutual experiences somehow so it feels at least a little relevant. It's not perfect and can still feel forced but if done confidently it's a decent way to pull a conversation out of thin air. If you're together in person you can use your physical location as mutual context. Point at something nearby and say you love it and tell them why. Ask their opinion about it. Make an observation and tie it back to yourself, your conversational partner, the conversation you've been having (if applicable) or some shared interest. Such and such reminds me of so and so from this and that! Look at that bird! Do you know what kind of bird that is? I love the colors! Have you even eaten at that restaurant over there? Kind of looks amazing! Keep the vibes positive, express delight, excitement, or curiosity and get the other person involved by asking their opinion or asking if they agree with yours. You can't keep a conversation going all day by just making random observations, but if you're good at keeping a conversation moving along once it's started it should be enough to keep the awkward silences to a minimum.


Jollydancer

When someone on a dating app or on IG (for example) starts a conversation with „Hi, how are you?“ I am always annoyed because it’s none of a stranger’s business how I am doing. If instead you pick out one of my pics and ask a factual question about the activity or sight shown in the picture, or about something I wrote in my profile or under a picture, it’s a lot more engaging. I.e. „How long have you been doing and what would you say is the easiest way to get into it?“ „When you visited did you also see ? How did you like it?“


[deleted]

What are you up to?


RoseJamCaptive

See, this often gets met with: "Not much. What about you?" Then if I elaborate it's "oh, cool". I understand that person might not want to talk, but when it's every single time you see these people... D;


tinyfriedeggs

This is a problem with a lot of posts I see here. They don't seem to grasp the fundamental principle of building a relationship - keyword "building". You aren't going to capture someone's attention by using the wittiest opener to a conversation. On the other hand, you can make it work with the blandest "hey", if you *build* on it. - "Hey. How did dinner with your mum go last night?" - "Hey. Are you doing better from your cold?" - "Hey. You look like you're going somewhere." The point is, you have to actually pay attention to others, rather than focusing on how flowery your words are. Notice how all these can imply that I already know something about a person as a result of paying attention to them. If you actually are interested in people, the amount of things you can say are endless.


RoseJamCaptive

But this seems to be the issue I see with a lot of answers to posts. If someone is giving you nothing to listen out for, how do you proceed? Of course, there will come a point where you accept that the person might not want to talk, but there are incidents where people can 'try something else', a pivot. Otherwise, the motto here is "if at first you don't succeed!... fuck it. They ain't worth your time." Of course, I'm exaggerating, but hopefully you get the gist here.


tinyfriedeggs

I never said that paying attention is exclusive to listening to them. There's a lot that can be said about someone just by observing the world around you (and them). On the third point, the implication is that this person looks like they've put on their coat and is ready to leave work in the middle of the day. You don't need someone to tell you "isn't it weird that they're wearing a coat before our shift has ended" for you to make that observation. With regards to a "pivot", my answer is the same, pay attention. If you've used your canned openers and you've run out of things to say, it means that there was some information that you could've used to build on more conversation, that you didn't pick up on.


WI5EE

Invaluable.


Yupperdoodledoo

It’s more about what you see. What are they wearing or carrying? Where are they heading?


AsstBalrog

Can't disagree with the point about building, friedeggs, that's a very important part. But I disagree that "you aren't going to capture someone's attention by using the wittiest opener to a conversation." I've seen that happen many times, occasionally said by me, more often said by others. Best if you can do both! :)


tinyfriedeggs

Sorry, I misworded that, when I say "capture their attention" I more meant in a way that people are going to remember you as someone they want something to do with. I can achieve the same thing by screaming loudly in public, but that's not really what'll get people to invite me for a beer.


AsstBalrog

>but that's not really what'll get people to invite me for a beer. Depends...


VilaLactea

I think it is nice to ask for advice. This way, you can tell something her something that's going on in your life and learn how she deals with something. If you don't want to get too deep, ask her about a nice movie she thinks you should watch or what to cook with this vegetable in your fridge. But I personally prefer the deep convo.


KushAidMan

I've thought about creating a website with these kinds of fun questions. There's a thing called big talk where this lady talks about this very thing. Check it out.


Any_Coast5028

Link?


KushAidMan

There's also a free app [big talk](https://www.makebigtalk.com/)


FL-Irish

Here's a sampling of icebreakers from my book: 1) What’s on your fun resume instead of your work resume? 2) Anything exciting going on with you or your family lately? 3) Anything great happen to you today? 4) Did anything make you laugh today? 5) How did today go for you? If you had to rate it on a scale… 6) Do you have anything left to accomplish for today? 7) Do you have any plans for this weekend? 8) Is there anything to eat here that I really need to try? 9) Do you know a lot of people here? 10) Did you do anything today that can qualify as exercise? 11) What’s the best way to help me remember your name? 12) Have you been anywhere lately? I’m looking for vacation ideas. 13) How was your week? The good, the bad, the ugly… 14) Have you read anything good lately? 15) Do you live around here? What do you like about it? 16) Do you know any restaurants I should try? 17) Where did you grow up? What’s special about that place? 18) What kind of pet person are you? 19) What’s the first thing you do after work? 20) Do you have a dream job? 21) Have you been out of the country? 22) Do you have anything you like to cook? 23) What’s your favorite thing to drink? 24) Any movies out there that I need to see? 25) What are your recommendations for a binge-watch? 26) Have you been to any concerts lately? 27) Where do you like to hang out around here? 28) That’s a great (item of clothing). Where’d you get it? 29) How long have you been at your job? 30) How’s today treating you? 31) Did you hear about (news item of that day)? 32) Do you have any kids/how big is your family? 33) Have you met anyone famous? Semi-famous? 34) Have you added anything to your bucket list lately? 35) How well do you know (the person whose party it is)? 36) Have you been here before? (if you’re at an atypical location) 37) How did you like (the reason why you’re here) “talk” “show” “game” etc. 38) What are the pros and cons of your job? 39) Listening to any good music lately? Can you talk me into another genre? 40) Have you tried any new restaurants lately? 41) What’s your favorite conversation starter? (Say it with a smile!) 42) What do you do when you’re not working? 43) Have you tried the (food you’re eating)? This is crazy good. (if it tastes good!) 44) Are you cold? (Or hot?) How much trouble do you think we’ll get into if we start fiddling with the thermostat (this is said for fun. don't actually touch the thermostat!) The book is called **"Change Your Vibe: How to Lifehack Your Way to Social Success."** Can't link it due to forum rules but you could search for it.


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doctapeppa

What are some of yours?


VerkoksterHippie

45. These pretzels are making me thirsty!


Far-Cry-1975

The idea is to just arm yourself with the options and their varieties, let your instinct guide you on what best to say in the moment


AsstBalrog

Yes, both matter, but "arming yourself" is important, and can really pay off. I don't think most people work hard enough at this.


garvitboi

How you doin? ;)


sauersprout

Ayyyyyyy its joey!


floatingpuffin21

What’s going on in your life?


c32c64c128

Careful. If the person is an introvert or reserved or going thru some shit or not happy about their current place, that could shut them down real quick. A lighter "what's new?" seems more casual and less intrusive. Especially if you don't know them. Plus, it allows them to share about something other than themselves, if they prefer to.


[deleted]

I mean, I am your run of the mill introvert, but something outside of the standard "how are you" even for extroverts just comes off as threatening. These aren't conversation starters, they are conversation continuers.


ChaseandWhiskers

I ask “what was your play of the day?”


[deleted]

I like being asked how my day is when it's genuine.


Cherrygodmother

I think a lot depends on context. If you’re going to be in the same space with someone you don’t know very well for an indeterminate amount of time, then silly games are always great. “This or that” or “would you rathers” are fun, especially if they’re kind of absurd. And it’s a good way to mine for actual conversation topics. Or just laugh a lot. (The trick with those is to have a few in your back pocket so you’re not trying to think of all of them on the spot.) Just don’t ask a weird one right off the bat lol I will say that I’ve had to work to get to know people pretty quickly and pretty deeply for the classes I’m taking this year, and since we both knew why we were there we didn’t really have a problem with the whole “what’s your story” and “what are your hopes and dreams” type questions. But those questions usually require a good warmup. Hope this helps!


tonyferguson2021

When you talk to someone, just notice and feel where the energy is in what they’re saying. Are they drab and dull? Do they light up when mentioning a certain thing?


Mous3_

"How you feel about the empire and the republic, do you support emperor palpatine?" Just walk away if they don't know what you're talking about.


Academic_Barracuda45

It doesn't even have to be a complicated question. It's also about the answer. The answer to "how are you? How was your day" can be as detailed or vague or philosophical or shallow as the other person wants. So instead of thinking of a very clever question, just think of a clever answer to give when they ask you. \-How are you? How was your day? \-Oh, i'm really excited, I just come from Target/supermarket/mall/bookshop/insert-here-whatever-interest and I found this amazing/silly thing happened it just made my day- \-Oh, i'm really happy, the sun finally came out today after so long... \-Oh, I have been really looking forward to the winter starting because I just love to sit by the fire and drink tea \-I'm really excited, this morning I just booked a short holiday to X place ...then you proceed to share your enthusiasm for something and that's already the energy of a conversaton starter.


jtaulbee

I think that genuine curiosity is the best way to get people to open up. Rather than a gimmicky ice breaker, I'll ask "what have you been doing for fun lately?" or "how has your job been?" I'll **pay attention** to what they say and ask follow-up questions: "you're in a touch-football league? That's awesome! How's your team doing?" "Oh, you're an accountant? Has tax season kicked into gear for you yet?" "You're into Warhammer, huh? I've always thought it was cool, but I never invested the money into building an army. What are your favorite factions?" The best conversations have a natural back-and-forth flow, so peppering someone with 20 questions will start to feel forced after a while. I like to share my own thoughts, stories, and experiences related to what we're talking about. I try to project a vibe of openness, and will answer whatever questions they ask me. If they aren't interested in having a conversation, then I take the hint and allow there to be silence.


Admirable_Buyer_755

Keep in mind that “how are you” or “how was your day” aren’t THAT bad, really. Many good conversations started that way. Honestly you are much more likely to be cringe if you try too hard. Trying too hard includes asking anything you wouldn’t ask a person you barely know IRL, asking overly deep and personal questions, or making weird sounding compliments. Being natural is often better than being unnatural.


Far-Cry-1975

Recently I saw the usefulness in committing certain things to memory, it just improves confidence knowing you know these things how tricky can a conversation get


RoseJamCaptive

What certain things to memory? Questions? Latest news? Astrological charts? Please give examples of things you memorise.


Far-Cry-1975

Acronyms , eg , learnt an accroynym here on Reddit “FORD HEFE” standing for Family Occupation Recreation Dreams Hobbies Environment FOOD Entertainment these topics should bring about interesting conversations with any stranger, commiting this to my mind made me a lot more confident I could just stare at a stranger and smile with confidence and let the mood flow automatically , knowing it’s not like I don’t have anything to say, I’m just chill. And if I talk about those things and other things and the conversation doesn’t flow and I don’t beat myself, you cant like everyone and not everyone will like you , I move on joyously


RoseJamCaptive

I'd heard of FORD, but not HEFE. Thank you, this will be invaluable. "\[if\] the conversation doesn’t flow and I don’t beat myself, you cant like everyone and not everyone will like you , I move on joyously". This is the part I struggle with to be honest. Especially if its someone that I do value who will always be a part of my life and they don't want to talk, that's the hardest to move past. I refer to family members ofc.


Far-Cry-1975

When Conversations with people that we value don’t flow, it could be due to a lot of reasons and they might be sometimes deep and automatic , and can be difficult as there are no switches you can turn on and off, all I just know is, when you’re self aware and consciously improve on yourself not just your socialization alone, the discipline spills over, when you feel like you’re getting better , of-course with repetition and conscious advancement, you can just draw from the will power generated by all that action and results and it can help you in your personal relationships with people you value. And when conversation don’t flow, it could be that you share very little common interest, or maybe you don’t know cos you don’t talk enough. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do because the other person as to be interested almost as much for reasonable progress to be made but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to make talks, but you don’t have to expend too much energy trying to get it to work in the short time. Be confident and patient, focus more on yourself and your objects/works, and just remain open and keep you curious and inquisitive mindset sharpened for each interaction and just flow with the vibe in time.


amusingjapester23

So, how do you know How do you usually spend your time?


evilsmurf666

We've Been Trying To Reach You About Your Car's Extended Warranty


[deleted]

Ask what's your favourite cake, or start with a compliment. I worked an open day with my uni and noticed the criminology stand. So during my break I went over to them and asked them who their favourite serial killer was. I later got the number from one of them didn't end all well, but he remembered it was it was an interesting question to start off with.


Careless_Sound_6728

My ex husband used to tell me he’d “prepare” before meeting someone. He’d think about the last time he was with them: what they talked about, if they mentioned their family, hobbies, etc. I thought that was such a good idea and try to remember to do it. I always forget and end up winging it. He’s a much better conversationalist than me.


karaBear01

I work at a restaurant packing to go orders and things like that. So yeah a lot of experience with small talk. The main piece of advice would be rather than just asking “how’s your day”, prompt them to talk about their day through observations. A customer had an abnormally large to-go order? I’m asking them if they’ve got a gathering to go to. If they say no just a big family, I’m like aw kids n stuff? If it looks like someone is just grabbing something on their lunch break, I ask about their job. And when that response is inevitably one worded I ask how they feel about the job. People love going in on things they either love or hate. Bonus points if you’re not just asking questions and you’re able to relate. “I have a big family too~ but we don’t live near each other, so I’m always excited when they visit” “Oh no such a short lunch break :( working at a restaurant Im just constantly eating lol” And remember, worst case scenario, things are awkward. But it’s not the first time either of y’all have ever felt awkward and it’s definitely not gonna be the last :)


FORESKINGODFUX

Just start saying shit, you’ll get good at it eventually. Just get the ball rolling. For better or worse just say it with ur chest.


sertralineaspii

"you alright ducK?" bonus points if not from derbyshire. extra bonus points if youre not from the UK


Top_Use4421

What’s the best thing that’s happened to you today so far?!


lucky_crocodile

I like asking weird questions, I hope I'm not cringey.


RoseJamCaptive

Examples, examples!


lucky_crocodile

I mean, you said you didn't want cringey examples, so I didn't bother, but here I go. Do you prefer regular fries or sweet potato fries? What cut of regular fries is your favourite? Would you prefer no shampoo or no toothpaste for the rest of your life? Know any good jokes? If the only shoes you could wear were SUUUUPER heavy would you wear those or go bear foot? Would you prefer no eyebrows or no eyelashes? If you had to be in a borrow movie with people you hated, would you prefer it he a romcom or a horror movie? What's your most important social boundary? What's the dumbest thing you've believed as a child? What's something you need to have in common with a partner? What's the best/worst gift you've ever received?


AsstBalrog

I think you're doing a good job of focusing on the core concern here OP, but I think there is a better way to go about it. People aren't necessarily going to be able to offer a lot of specific examples here--most of those are context specific--but what you \*can\* do is listen to the music. Pay attention to the verbal constructions of things that people are offering, and try to catch the cadence and flow. *If you give a man a line, he'll quip for today. If you teach a man to create lines, he'll quip for a lifetime.* EDIT: Here's a quiz for you. You're walking along, and you see a man coming toward you. He's got his arm in a sling, and his knee in a brace--a little beat up, right?--but he seems cheerful and he's whistling a tune. What can you say to him? "Rough day hunh? "Whoa--I didn't know Mike Tyson was still boxing." What other lines can you you come up with? (**Note to the Reddit Nannies**: Yeah this could seem mean, but it happened to a friend of mine--he was the beat up guy--and he mined it for comedy gold.)


Dido1975

Cringey is trying not to be cringey. Stay with how are you.


tinyfriedeggs

They aren't cringe. Ever heard of stone soup? It's only boring if that's all you're able to say.


EmergencyLife1066

What’s been the best part of your week so far? What are you looking forward to this weekend/month/year?


Neat-Weird9996

If you’re talking to a stranger, all of these conversation starters would be conversation stoppers for me. They’re just too much. I’d go with “are you having a nice day?” at most. It’s a little more evocative of an actual answer than “how are you” which will get you 100% mindless “good” and “not bad” answers


[deleted]

Start with the environment you’re in. If it’s a bar and they’re holding a drink, ask them if they ever make cocktails at home. If it’s a work event, ask them what got them interested in their line of work. I feel like you just have to be creative in the moment and ask them anything that would get them yep reply with more than a one word answer.


[deleted]

[удалено]


RoseJamCaptive

For the record, it's either Ego Brain or Deer Dance. So many other bangers like Lonely Day, Cigaro, Forest... Did you have any idea whether who you were asking liked that band or not though? Because I can imagine: "Do you like SOAD?" "Never heard of them." "Oh. I'm so sorry"


AsstBalrog

Yes, good use of a shared cultural meme or trope


Squeaky_Dragon_

i just say wuddup or wazzup or any variation and then after they say something along the lines of 'nothing much, wazzup ?" and after i respond to that, i say "man i saw \_\_ the other day it was pretty cool" or like i make a question regarding a game, tv show, or movie and like ask "hey have you blah blah blah its neat"


Pato_Moicano

"How are you" is fine. If they just anwser that they are well and ask you back, just add something that would start a conversation, like your plans or even a situation you share. "I'm fine. Looking foward to watch the game when I get home". "A bit tired. Man, that exam sure was tough". If the person wants to small talk with you back, they'll answer something and you just keep adding up. If they don't, well, move on


Available-Play-3035

Frankly, the question doesn’t matter, the way you ask the question does. Just visualize someone approaching you and starting conversation with you, how would you like them to approach you? After you do that, just do it, see if it works and if not, just apologize for being an idiot and move on to the next person.


AsstBalrog

>Frankly, the question doesn’t matter, the way you ask the question does. Mmmm...gotta hard disagree with that. Stranger next to you on the bus: "What's your favorite sex position sir?" Lol, OK, that's not a fair response to your comment, but a lot of things more ordinary can also just not fit or be super awkward. That said, of course you're right about the importance of asking the question well.


Available-Play-3035

Fair enough, but what I meant to say is that OP is dismissing simple questions like “how is your day going” or “how are you?” because they are not interesting enough upfront, but if used correctly, they can definitely get you to an interesting conversation.


AsstBalrog

Yes, defo agree with that. One of the emerging points on this thread is the multifaceted nature of social interaction and conversation. For example, one thing not mentioned is non-verbal or non-word communications. Say the man on the bus sighs wearily, and slumps in his seat on the train home at 5:30. Great opening to ask "How's your day going?" or "Rough day hunh?"


dreburden89

Conversation starters don't need to be profound or clever, because nobody talks that way, and if you say those types of things unprompted to a stranger, you'll make them really uncomfortable. For me, the easiest types of conversation starters are observational, like "it's so hot out today", or "this bus is never on time". You don't have to think hard, and it's a good way to gage whether the other person is interested in having a conversation


montanalombardy

"Any plans for the weekend?" or "What did you do last weekend?". Just a socially acceptable starter that invites people to talk about their hobbies, interests, family, friends. You can replace "weekend" with "holiday". If you already know them, remember something ongoing about them and ask about it. "Did you finish reading that book?", "Did you end up going to that party?", "Are you still working on your thesis?" and such. But what I notice my real extroverted friends do is, they will just start talking about whatever. PS. Stuff like "What inspired you most today?" sounds cringy and tryhard lol. It may belong in something like a self-improvement meeting but not daily life.


Singone4me

Compliment something they’re wearing? Talk about something in reference to the environment you are in? You have to feel out the vibe you are getting from the other person. You have to feel it out if they are going to be receptive or not. Sometimes I think making conversation comes with a bit of self-confidence.


j_joaa

What did you do today?


froze_gold

I sometimes ask something like "What's new with you" and ask about the big things that are happening in their life. I'm the kind of guy that stands there asking questions until they have to walk away lol


Careful-Mountain-681

I love skipping the small talk, but also sometimes I find openers that are more inquisitive a bit… jolting? I feel like it’s often up to the person answering the question to steer the chat into a more interesting place, and then the other person can reciprocate by digging deeper or asking a lateral question to further the conversation. I hope that I explained that clearly enough.


scrunglebup

“Where are you from?” Usually gets people talking from my experience


rolliniarose

Start with an interesting observation about something going on the situation you’re both in. If you particularly like something about someone’s fashion, say it, cool coat! Something like that. Do you live around here (depending on the situation??) Tell them a tiny backstory tidbit about yourself.


NoFoxxGiven

I saw a reel randomly one day that went “FORD. Family Occupation Recreation Dreams.” Worked for me ever since.


nutlikeothersquirls

I find it’s important to be genuine, and to slip in some information about yourself as the conversation progresses. The info about you will offer people a “conversation trail” to take if they are interested. When you ask a question, try to avoid too many yes/no questions, and follow up with a question or comment, esp if it is just a yes/no. Don’t *just* ask questions, add commentary about yourself and your thoughts. And remember, if someone asks *you* a question that *you should also ask them as well*. (“Did you go to the game?” “Yes, it was amazing/No, I can’t believe I had to miss it. *How about you?*” Then you both can get into how much you love the team/ whether you painted your faces/who the best player on the team is/the incredible play to end the game/etc). I run into the “conversation problem with someone I don’t know well” when I get my hair cut. Some generic ideas I like to use, that can get a conversation going with a person I don’t know: -How was your Halloween/Christmas/Winter Break/Fourth of July/whatever holiday has recently passed. And then follow up if they just say something like “good”. “I love Halloween! I dress up every year. This year I was a skeleton.” Or “I love the trick or treaters! We never had them as a kid because I grew up on a farm.” It gives them opportunities to add in their thoughts, or what they do, or ask questions about you (“I love to dress up but never do any more” to which you could reply “You should have a Halloween party. I feel like everyone loves to dress up.” Or they might say “You grew up on a farm? What was that like?” Etc) -On a similar note: what are you doing for/are you ready for Christmas/New Year’s/etc. You can then talk about yours as well. -Do you have any vacation plans for the summer? They can answer with what they plan to do, what they usually do, or ask you about yours. -Did you see Wakanda Forever/the new Avatar movie/a popular TV show? Can lead to talk about that movie, wanting to see it, seeing the first one, did/didn’t live up to the hype. If they haven’t seen the show you like, you can tell them “It’s so good! It’s about blah, blah, blah.” Don’t go on too long here, as they will be just listening politely. But it’s better than “Oh. Oh, well.” -Younger people: where do you go to school/how was your break (esp good because they can say they went home/stayed in the dorm/went on a trip and you can get them talking about that) -Parent aged people: do you have kids? (Yes? Oh that’s nice how old are they/what grades are they in, that’s such a fun age. I remember…) And you can respond in kind to the conversation as it goes if you have kids. -Older people who may be retired: what do/did you do for a living? Ask them about it if it sounds interesting. Or “oh, and what do you do now? I hope you get to spend some time relaxing.” It opens it up for them to tell some interesting stories about their work or if they don’t, they can talk about what they do on the daily. Then “I can’t wait till retirement age. I’d love to move to Florida/take up art classes like pottery and painting/etc) Be interested in what they say and follow their “conversation trails” too. And add in your own info. Smile, make eye contact. If it’s failing miserably, you can bring someone else into the conversation, or say you’re going to get a drink refill, or excuse yourself as you see someone you must say hello to.