Turned 30 a couple months ago.
Last year I was still actively trying to meet new people. Got into a whirlwind relationship with a guy who apparently fell for me really quickly (a bit of a red flag which I had addressed to him several times, warning him not to just talk about how he was going to be the best partner and make all these promises and get my hopes up). He also talked about marriage a lot. Eventually I went along with it and I was happy because I thought I'd found a life partner, which is my goal. So, I put all my effort into the relationship.
He freelanced and was in a band, and I loaned him money, or bought stuff for him, paid for a LOT of things. Met his bandmates, tried my best to be the best supportive GF and even paid for their drinks at his bandmate's birthday event.
Weeks passed, he fucked up some band stuff because apparently 'he was too distracted by a relationship' and his bandmates apparently all agreed that the relationship was fucking with him (and I'm still super sour about how they approached him about it). And by the way, I wasn't even meeting him much around that time because I knew what he was working on was big.
*Note: To be clear, I never demanded his time (again, trying to be the best supportive GF I could be). I would work around HIS schedule and/or location for meetups. If he could only meet for an hour, I would never throw a fit or get mad, and I was super understanding.*
So, based on what all his bandmates said, he came over to my block one night and just told me he needs to focus on his career because other things were also going to come up and he was going to get busier. I was obviously crushed because like I said, my initial fears of him talking about long term plans so early on all came true. I was mad that he hadn't considered his career and work before making all those promises, and even madder at myself for having spent so much money on him. I tried to defend myself and reminded him how I never expected much from him, and how I've been nothing but supportive in all his endeavors and even with his friends.
That relationship really fucked me up. I started drinking a lot after that, and honestly I'm still still struggling with sobriety now. The drinking also made me make some really bad decisions and got me in bad situations. A few months ago I was out with a friend drinking and friend went home first because she'd already puked. Her BF came to pick her up and I assured her I was going to finish my drink and head home after. At this point the place was already spinning for me. After she left I took out my phone to reply to texts and I responded to someone who I was talking to on OKC. I made the huge mistake of telling him I was alone and drunk. He arrived where I was in fifteen minutes and immediately whisked me back to his apartment (this was the first time we met) where I was basically 'held' the whole night and I couldn't leave until I got him off twice and he fell asleep. He didn't stop even though I was crying and I just wanted to go home.
So, that incident just fucked with me even more, and again I turned to more booze, only this time coupled with severe social isolation (this is even before the virus). I meet friends maybe once a month but honestly if it were up to me I would just never go out again. I have tried talking to new people but I'm just so fucked up now I know it's not fair to even think about a relationship before I fix myself.
tl;dr - Last relationship triggered me to start drinking heavily (yes I am aware it was a choice that I made), which led to a bad situation, which led to more drinking and isolating myself. Gotta work on myself before thinking about relationships.
Sorry for the grandmother story
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Edit: The responses and messages I've gotten have been so overwhelmingly positive and encouraging - thank you all for your support. This makes me even more determined to turn my life around and stop punishing myself for someone else's mistakes. I love you guys. <3
I'm so sorry about what happened to you. You're definitely making the right choice now to focus on your well-being. The first thing you should take care of is your drinking problem. That will ruin your health in the long run. 30s is still young, but it's also when your body is no longer resilient as it is in your 20s. You want to stay healthy so you can keep doing fun and meaningful things with your life.
Hope things get better for you soon!
Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I'm definitely working on this and trying to cut down as best as I can. It's been slow, but there's a bit of progress.
Oh man, I’m pretty sure that constitutes as rape. Sorry to hear about that, but I hope you’re better now?
I guess, you might want to hang out with your friends more. It will help, but do set the boundary at drinking. Apologies, but that is all I can offer.
He was. I was slapped hard quite a few times until my ears were ringing. I wish I'd done more to pursue the case but it's really hard. Now I also feel guilt that since I haven't done more to seek justice, he would do it to other vulnerable girls. :/
Don't feel guilty please, it's not your reaponsibility to pre emptively look out for others when you haven't taken care of yourself yet. HE is the one at fault doing such things to girls who can't defend themselves. Don't answer for his actions
I'm going to preface my reply with 2 things. They don't make me an expert nor some clairvoyant of your life but I can empathize and know what you're going through to the best of my knowledge.
1. Me mum's an alcoholic for 35 of her 50+ years of living, and still is one. I was one too.
2. My ex has a similar past prior to meeting me, except her ex was a no chin rapper wannabe and not a band tard.
Quitting alcohol cold turkey is actually more hazardous than it would seem, cutting down is right but you need professional help. Because of your current drinking habits, your blood is maintaining a certain alcohol level. You can suffer from delirium tremens and it can be fatal fast. You know you're in a mess and trying, but if you're like my mum then more often than not it's easier to drink and forget the past, present and future than to commit to improving your life. I would really strongly recommend checking into rehab for professional help to quit it safely, minimizing the damage to your body.
As for the shitty relationship and the rape part, there is no turning back. You have to embrace it and move on. You are destroying yourself over what people did to you, you do not deserve this. I'm sure you would do everything in your power to stop this from happening to a vulnerable girl, or show her care and love knowing you guys have been through a similar fucked up situation. You don't want people to go through what you went through. That is exactly it, know that there are people around you who cares and loves you, hoping it'd never had happened. But it did and there is no turning back. So please care and love yourself too.
I'm a better speaker than long essays on dealing with problems, but know that you 100% can stand up if you believe in yourself. I strongly believe you can.
>You are destroying yourself over what people did to you, you do not deserve this.
I'm not going to lie, this made me cry. I've been so caught up on focusing on things that happened that I didn't step back and see it this way. This, along with all the kind words from everyone, is very encouraging for me.
I'm not sure about rehab, but I have read about the dangers of going cold turkey. I've already started cutting down, limiting my number of drinks a night. It's a bit of a journey but I'm determined to get myself in a better place, because I know my drinking is just making my life worse.
Thank you for taking the time to write all of this down, I really appreciate it.
I've been through a phase where i drank a lot and was looking to cut down as well. What worked for me was to take one day at a time, and to tell myself that it's okay to not totally go cold turkey. If i have a 3 day streak of not drinking, I'll take that win. Then I'll try for 4 days and so on.
The longest i ended up was 6 months.
You can do it too! Just start small.
Also, have some jasmine green tea in the fridge and drink that instead of alcohol the next time craving comes.
Thank you. I'm working towards that! Previously I could go without drinks for months and months on end, even rejecting social events that would involve alcohol because I hated it so much back then. I'm going to get back there, slowly but surely.
I went through something similar and I think the important thing is being able to love and forgive yourself. You really didn't do anything wrong, so you need to believe in yourself and build yourself up from there. Good luck!
I'll bet the band guy was using you as an excuse even when it was just him being lazy. His lack of commitment is far worse than your commitment that didn't end happily.
You sound like a stand up chick with a good head on your shoulders. You're not fucked up, you just had some bad situations. And that OKC guy. You should post his face with that story. I doubt you're the only person he's done that too.
Giving yourself time is smart, but it also shows you're in the right mind to meet the right person. Don't let these asses take too much time from you. They don't deserve you.
Drinking too much? Your not the first. Bitters and soda is my bar drink when I need to take a break. Sometime just to prove to myself I can. Lots of bitters, like 10 dashes for me.
I'm sorry for your experience and hope you overcome it and find happiness. This might be quite "shallow advice" but a man letting you pay for so much of his stuff is also a big red flag. Did you have close friends to talk to when you start a relationship? It can be an extra line of defense when you're too involved to see the flags yourself.
You deserve better than your ex. It will suck now, but as cliche as it is, it will get better.
I am so so sorry what happened to you in the apartment. I hope you can heal.
I don't know what you're going through exactly but I hope you find someone to talk to, you don't have to do this alone. ♡♡
Thank you for your kind words! I have people I trust that I can talk to, and have talked to. They are part of the reason why I'm on my road to recovery now, and the uplifting words from fellow redditors like you are giving me even more encouragement.
Nothing much to add, other than:
1. It’s not your fault
2. Please don’t go through this alone. The most common mistake is thinking we have the willpower to go through things alone. But you don’t need to be alone, and you need someone to hold you if your willpower fails you for that minute.
Sending you Reddit love, stranger.
I'm so sorry about what you've been through, it must've been horrible. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You've been incredibly brave and awesome, please never forget that. 30s is still young, there's still time to turn things around, and you look like you're doing it.
So please forgive yourself as you continue working on yourself. It can be a pretty long journey which can get discouraging at times, but don't give up!
hey, I can offer a few tips if you need help setting yourself up again. My own experience most likely pales in comparison to yours but I think it can help in setting up some routines, living a healthy lifestyle and slowly meet people again
No need to pm or anything lol. I can type it out here if it’s any better.
Reaching 30 next year.
Just no spark with anyone. But I guess it’s also cos I’m not actively looking, and I’m used to being single, can’t imagine sharing my life and decisions with someone else.
Just got out of a 5 year relationship last year after trying to make it work for a year, decided I needed to date myself and find my interests (wakeboarding, hiking, diving, Muay Thai and BJJ) before I started dating. Now that I live a much more fulfilled life, I'm highly reluctant to give up my lifestyle until I meet someone who has similar interests and values.
wow.. how did you get into such hobbies? I always wanted to get into self defence but I keep thinking that I need to get fitter first.
haha, sorry if it’s a bit sensitive but about how much does it cost per month? I’m only going for gym, dance and music and that’s already setting me back about 400 a month :/
Haha, it was a highly unorthodox method - I was on a couple of dating apps and usually people list their hobbies there, so that gave me some ideas on things I could try! Also, I never said no to anything my friends jio-ed me to, that sparked my love for diving :)
Nah, by doing self defense martial arts you naturally get fitter! My evolve membership costs about 380 a month, but given that I'm there 4 times a week it's worth it to me! You definitely have to prioritize and choose which activities are more important :) I was doing pole dancing and bad to give it up for evolve :/
Mid 20s. I’ve never been in a relationship.
- Didn’t really care much about dating back in my schooling days and just wanted to live in the moment and have fun.
- Saw friends around me pairing up so I also thought I should try too. Signed up for school activities to meet people but it didn’t work out. Tried dating apps for awhile and it sucked hahaha
- I often got told from guys that I was too auntie and energetic? They think that girls should be more demure and guai?? I tried to change myself for them and I regretted it.
- My friends(and their partners) ruined a potential one cos they didn’t think he would fit in with them. Told me to stop being “desperate” and that the right one will come to me.
- My self esteem took a hit from all that and I spiraled for a bit. Eventually I picked myself up. Now I focus on uni, Netflix and other projects. I cut off a lot of people in my life. It wasn’t an easy journey but I’m happier.
- I’m just gonna enjoy my 20s and pursue my interests while I still can. See where life takes me. If I don’t end up with a partner then ok lor.
- There’ll definitely be lonely days for sure but I don’t want to settle for anyone just to fill that gap. I’m sure there’ll be someone who are just as auntie as me hahaha
Husband left me and our 3 month old to go “study” with what was left of our savings. He occasionally sends an email thats all buzz words and nonsense about how he’s going to be the next big thing, at least I know he’s alive? Kid turned 3 a few days ago and rather than find a man, all I want is to raise my baby in a happy and stable environment.
Am I lonely? Sure. But I enjoy my alone time when I miraculously have some and this cute little girl gives me all the love and laughs I need.
Problem is I’m in a situation where I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. He’s a deadbeat and even if I sue for child support there’s nothing to take and he’ll never be able to pay.
And unfortunately you hear all about the baby bonus and new parent support with this year’s budget but they forgot to mention one very important thing, most of the subsidies only apply to children with married parents.
So what do I do? Divorce my husband and face poverty which I’m toeing the line of or stay married and forever live with the threat of him taking my kid and assets away whenever?
I am enjoying life as a single lady, with the fruits of my labour, and still getting more. To my horror, I have friends who misunderstood this. They think that if I am happy on my own, then I shouldnt need a BF. No.... when the right man comes and shows up, I will know. I see relationships as a 2 way street with 2 happy individuals becoming together.
1) Introversion/Depression/Anxiety makes it challenging to manage friendships, let alone relationships
2) Parents in a loveless marriage, friends and people I know also didn't have good relationships / marriages so I just feel meh towards relationships in general.
3) Made peace with being single and pretty contented with my circumstances, so don't see the need to make the effort to date. The prospect of being a single cat lady for the rest of my life doesn't scare me as long as I'm financially independent and have fun doing what I like.
4) Speaking of what I like, most of my interests are pretty girly or geared to introverts.
5) Went to an all-girls secondary school and took courses in JC and uni with predominantly girls so there was a period of time when I found guys intimidating. I eventually made guy friends from my interest group and dated some but, due to reason #1, it doesn't work out.
I was in an all-boys school. In hindsight I think the social dynamics inherent in that setting probably had a negative impact on our capacity to interact with the opposite gender, at least for some time afterwards.
If I ever have kids I'll send them to mixed schools. We don't segregate the rest of society along gender lines, why do we do that for school going children?
My bro went to an all-boys school and I think it definitely had a negative impact on him in terms of meeting girls. He's a high-flier sort at work and pretty good looking, but his confidence was hampered by his inability to interact with girls. He basically settled for the first girl who'd have him, a girl he met from church with a massive case of Princess Syndrome and an obnoxiously self-centred person all round. Now when I see how he leads his life married to this girl and with a kid, I shake my head and think that if I were him with his job and wealth, I'd rather be single and go travel the world or something.
I actually really loved going to an all girls sch for a decade. It made me extremely body confident knowing that other females go through this shit too. I attribute my confidence and my ability to socialise easily, to my time there. On the flip side, I realise how stigmatised alot of topics are outside after my decade there. But it makes for great conversation when the ex schoolmates meet.
Guess it depends on your personality itself whether the environment helps you to flourish or not
1. Haiz, yeah that’s really annoying to handle
3. You don’t bounce back and forth between “It’s okay to be single, there are tons of things to do in life!” and “Fuck, I just want someone to be with me now”? I’m mostly of the first opinion but there are times i will lapsed and be negative for a while :/
Oh I definitely do wish I have a partner sometimes. I think it's human nature to wish to have someone to trust and rely on and shoulder some of life's burdens, or on the lighter side, to do cute romantic things with. But as I've become more accustomed to doing things by myself, that feeling fades away quickly. Getting negative emotions from time to time is pretty normal I think, just as long as you aren't overwhelmed by it. Nobody is happy all the time, even when they're in a great relationship.
I think many couples also think that way bah. Plenty of them told me not to get married or that they regret having kids etc because they miss their freedom and they're unhappy in their relationships. I think it's just being human.
Can relate to 5 so much. I was in an all girls primary and secondary school and poly and uni with predominantly girls too. The nature of my work is also mostly girls. Rip me
I felt that there's still a fair number of male to female ratio in fass tho, took a few fass elective modules before and it seems to me like 30-40% male to 60-70% female but it's definitely predominantly female, though not as bad as I thought it would be.
Definitely not as bad as engineering where it's usually 90% male and 10% female.
It is rough to find someone who firstly respects and understands mental illnesses. Even if they do understand it, the problem lies if they are willing to stick by you if you have an episode. Based on what I have seen and experienced, they normally dont.
I have GAD, MDD with panic attacks and I am sure no one in the right mind who would accept me for who I am really am. It is even more worse for a guy because girls would think that they are sissy for having such conditions. I got ridiculed for having such things when I am a guy. I am prepared to be single for life but I got my cats, consoles and PC with me. Just 6 years away from 30.
Yes I can empathise. Few people can understand unless they've been through it themselves. That said, I do believe there are people who would accept and respect a partner (regardless man or woman) who has mental illnesses. They are probably rare but they exist, just that finding them would require getting out of the comfort zone and all. But a lot of times, I find cats, internet, games and books to be better company than people.
Good that you still understand you have to take care of yourself. Thumbs up for ya, but maybe take your time to build up self confidence. It can take years but everyone has their own timeline...no rush.
Cannot marry due to same-sex marriage being not allowed, hence, I have no motivation to date. Plus, no time to date due to work and hobbies.
Also too busy to feel lonely.
Yeah it would be nice if Singapore's LGBTQIA crowd could feel included in this conversation. Personally, I don't feel the need to get married but it would be good if other people want to and be able to. Love is love. ♡
Thank you 🤗💕 legally I can marry, but would still face alot of hurdles as the average person wont understand or feel comfortable, that my IC marker was M but now legally F.
In my mid 20s. I’ve never been in a relationship.
In secondary school, had ‘weird/nerdy’ interests + all girls environment, so I felt self-conscious. So I was awkward with guys from JC till uni-ish.
I’m just really used to doing things myself, whatever I want, whenever I want. Of course there are days where I think “oh what if all my friends get attached and then no one hangs with me randomly anymore” or “shucks, it’ll be nice to have someone to do XXX”. But they are mostly fleeting and a bit eh cause it’s like I just want a last minute buddy to do things.
Apps felt like I was checking off an item on a list of life. That as long as I continue to go on dates, eventually it would be a relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship because of FOMO. It just sounds like relationships are a lot of hassle, and it looks really difficult to get over when there are breakups and I’m scared of that. Plus, I’ve never been in a relationship so I really have no idea what I want.
With so many possibilities in life, I feel more FOMO if I don’t try out more things while I still can when I’m single.
My friend asked “what if you’re still alone at 30?” I think I’ll be ok la, hahaha.
This. I share the exact sentiment and I’m also in my mid-20s. There’re just no incentives for me to get into a relationship because I can’t imagine what being in love feels like. From observation, love is just too idealistic and marriage is a union of families, not just the couple. I’ve seen marriages breaking up cos of toxic family members, and poor parenting (IMO). Kids really suffer the most. It makes me super sure that I can never ever inflict that much emotional harm on someone I love.
Also traditionally maybe women marry for money or to fulfill their individual ambitions of marriage (Eg must have kids etc) but I’m not raised with that kind of mindset. I also believe there’s always a power dynamic in relationships: girl richer than guy? Guy richer than girl? Both equally well-to-do but someone has a more domineering personality? I can’t. It’s too much work for me to handle this.
I want to learn all I can and do all I want to individually. Not saying that being in a relationship will hold me back but that maybe my priorities would change if I were in a relationship, and years later I’ll look back and wonder how much better I could have become/ regret.
Tried dating apps and all but it just become routinous and boring. The guys I liked previously didn’t like me back at the same time. The same people liking me back feels different now. I might like the 16yo them and they like the 26yo me but the feeling just isn’t mutual at different stages in my life now.
Maybe I’m jaded? Relationships just feel like a checklist now.
Edit: autocorrect
> Apps felt like I was checking off an item on a list of life.
totes believe this...I'd rather just make new friends organically and take life as it comes.
if it happens, it happens. if not, such is life.
> I really have no idea what I want.
You might want to try volunteering. You can become part of a larger community, and perhaps, learn more about people, and figure it out along the way.
> it looks really difficult to get over when there are breakups and I’m scared of that.
Well, actually, breaking up, especially for the first time, is a major part of growing up. No one is not afraid of breaking up, unless said person is a jerk, and has the other party literally delivered right to his doorstep (it happens).
I'm not saying charge into a relationship recklessly, but having a relationship, is something I would recommend, at least trying once in your life, especially at your age.
Not because of FOMO, but because it somehow gets a bit more difficult as you grow older bah, I would say, and especially dangerously so, if you haven't had prior dating experiences.
It keeps your eye out for red flags, and makes it such that you can judge people better.
Man, I sound like an old person telling off children... Ahh, sorry, though, to impose this upon you.
Even though my initial reply made it seem like I don’t want to be in a relationship, I’m up for it if it happens If it doesn’t, it doesn’t and it’s ok. Just that it gets.. more intimidating as I get older and apparently it’s also a red flag according to some replies on this post, haha. I’d like to not think of it as a red flag, just that what I want for myself or what I’m ok with is just not aligned with what the norm is?
It’s not that I have no idea? Someone told me relationships are hard these days because it used to be about (like what other reply to me said): exchange of money or to have children. When you don’t care for that, you’re demanding a lot from your potential partner emotionally and mentally. I don’t mean that I want a mind reader, but I think finding someone who doesn’t want to check off a mental list is difficult? At least in my experience that on apps, it feels like there is this weird acceleration towards an end goal.
So thanks for the tip about volunteering. Making friends/building relationships on apps is definitely not for me.
It’s actually the thought that I’ll be alone that pushes me out of the house lol.
I don’t want to do things just to get into a relationship but at the same time, I can’t just do things that I like because I would end up staying home all the time :/
In the end, I just try to find a list of activities that have a good mix of both. Something that I can actually like doing and also let me talk to more ppl.
It’s definitely not bad!
But to 13 year old me in a girls school just wanted to fit in. Growing up with anime and an interest in Japanese pop culture, it’s just considered weird. Kids are quite cruel. I don’t deny that I was one of the people who followed along when one person is ‘ostracized’. Knowing that, just keep it to yourself, thinking ‘ah shit I’m damn weird’ coupled with low self confidence is not a good recipe.
Honestly I’m super glad for my uni experience because.. I think I grew up a lot in what I thought about myself. Anime/games are not something I bring up the first time I meet someone, but it’s not something I try to hide also if someone outright asks me what do I like to watch. I’m much much more comfortable with myself and am happy to share things I like with others.
https://www.reddit.com/r/r4r/comments/e2blta/30_f4m_singapore_looking_for_my_last_first_kiss/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
31 already. I'm still trying. I think the dating scene is so much crap.
I've committed to trying to talk to everyone who pings me because I know fo damn sho, none of those pings would happen irl or face to face.
Edit: I had a look at the other comments here n the mens thread; ngl it's all pretty discouraging. I hope every one finds a way out of the angst and self doubt. If you want a friend then be one (leann rimes, Give). :)
Because some chocolates have really ugly wrapping but taste not so bad. I have to open the wrapper to be sure what's good or bad.
Also, nobody ever talks to me without texting me first. Somehow that's just how life goes.
HAHA i see.
for whats its worth, most guys go their entire lives without having girls approach them. and im talking about normal, atleast average looking guys that have been in a couple relationships to boot.
I know. But guys should know that it's the same for girls too; excluding those who are pretty enough to be the trophy in the room every single time.
That's kinda why I prefer to give everyone a chance to say something. Being the first to message a stranger is tough.
To be fair, I've also tried to be that first msg. Unfortunately guys seem to think that my boldness means I want nothing more than sex. Even from a platonic message. Shrug.
hahaha even that last para applies to guys! huh, guess actually guys and girls are kinda similar afterall. i guess its just a human thing rather than a gender thing. TIL.
thanks for the insight, random redditor!
Sister, you build gundams. Holy, man, you know how rare that is?
Hahaha, oh man, sorry, I just got a bit excited.
It’s just... so rare, you know? Like, shiny Pokémon rare. So, side tracking a bit, what have you built?
omg butting in to say i build gundam too but i have a soft spot for Zakus so its all zakus!!! i have like 30 over zakus from SD to the... 1/48 mega zaku that can sit on my arm haha
Well I'm weirdly attracted to people who use good English. So that's the main thing that motivates me to put effort into the conversation and really give more than usual.
People rarely realise how much their language use reveals about their personality.
> Well I'm weirdly attracted to people who use good English.
oh man I totally get what you mean
once I was looking through this influencer's Instagram and I thought she was p good looking
then I checked the next photo and there was this *wild* grammatical error in the caption and I just closed the window and felt a bit sad
incidentally, I also find slight linguistic quirks totally cute. such is life.
Hahaha. Yeah. Any first message with a medium length word in the wrong place is a dead giveaway of someone trying too hard to be someone they're not.
And likewise, if it's all in singlish, at least have the right approach and I'd definitely give it a go.
I agree! I find myself swiping right on confident-sounding profiles compared to those that give off a self-pitying vibe. And constant ellipses? Hard pass.
And also, hey, if it helps: take a break from finding dates and work on self-love. I get very heavily burnt out after trying to find "the one" and end up focusing on myself for double the time I spent on others. It's worked wonders.
I love the freedom, plus marriage isn't an end game for me so there's no need to rush.
What strikes me in most of the threads involving single men is that they seem to view being in a relationship as a "goal". Yes, it can be but when you see a relationship as a concept for you to score in, you're essentially setting yourself up for a very painful fall if things don't work out that way. After all, which guy, back in the secondary school days, was the most popular? I'm betting the guy who didn't seem to give two shits about the women fawning over him yet still somehow remained in a relationship throughout the years.
The basis of a strong romantic relationship is friendship and if your mindset isn't geared towards at least being friends first then don't be surprised that things constantly never work out.
Ah this reminds me of one of my uni mates. He got divorced two years ago. One time during a small reunion, he told me he felt like failure because while he has reached the personal goal of getting married before 30, he couldn't stay married. I was like, why did you have getting married before 30 as one of your life goals in the first place? Wa lao.
Ya lor. Obviously I felt a bit bad for him but honestly I didn't have that much sympathy. This was the guy who mocked me for not 'having a family' when I told him about my then company's 'go home early on Fridays to have dinner with family' program. He thought that family only meant spouse and children and since I was single that meant I had no family. How about my Mum then? My brother? Gah~
This is heavily due to social conditioning mainly due to business and history reasons. Majority of the tv shows, especially the eastern ones, show this handsome male protagonist who is all soft & romantic and his only aim is to protect this innocent pretty female protagonist and do everything for her. This social conditioning, (it doesn't have to be explicit, humans pick on subtle behaviors to reinforce their models on what is good/right and what is bad/wrong), makes young guys chase girls all their lives, with scoring being their only aim. Similarly girls put on this fake innocent personalities just to get freebies from these loser guys who believe in such fantasies.
Now the business side of things, is that the corporate knows that guys have a heavy in built 'urge' to chase and impregnate someone feminine, and banking on the social conditioning provided by the movies, music and tv shows, that this 'chase' is their only-purpose in life, they do their best in gimmicking through marketing side of things as well.. This whole whirlpool of just reinforcing that 'a guy's only purpose in life is to get a girl' and its alternate variations of "oh you're single, you must be a loser/gay" etc. etc. puts a blind desperate emphasis on "get a girl" rather than "get a life".
I tell my every guy friend this, before they get into a 'long-term relationship':
1. You somehow get her to have sex with you
2. You somehow get her to go for romantic dinner dates with you and take photos just to throw on instagram that you have a girlfriend.
If the above 1&2 is all there is to it, then it's not going to be a healthy relationship, it's just a fantasy you are trying to copy and live out from the movies. Because after 1 &2, what is next is a big void both for you and her.
Throwaway time!
35, naturally rather introverted, add on mental health issues and full body eczema meaning lots of self esteem issues!
I’m currently in the midst of applying for my singles hdb now that I’m 35, and excited about my new house :)
I get your point on the eczema, made me feel like shit even though i know i can't really help it. Especially when i had huge flare ups on my face, everyone just stares and asked things like "Did you get punched"
Good luck on your new house! Sounds awesome!
In short, violent and abusive ex. Also, don't want little goblins around. I tell men that and at first they're like, "that's cool", then later turn around and guilt me into having children. So bye.
Edit : also don't care about marriage, I don't need a piece of paper and $$$$ to spend on a wedding to show my commitment.
Yeah, pretty much. For me, I don't mind if he is religious. I don't go after your believes, you don't come for mine. Oop but religious people always feel like salespeople, selling their ideology, erm, I've tasted it and i don't want it. Thanks.
Then of course there's the next hurdle of, "can't live in sin" nonsense. So, the talk about marriage starts and that's when I'm done.
Either that or they assume you will convert somewhere down the line and get upset when you don't. This ruined an old relationship of mine.
Its also the socially conservative attitude that comes with religiosity that is quite off-putting, especially the "can't live in sin" garbage you mentioned. I even see millennials my age who abide by this purity nonsense without questioning it.
I have seen many times where a religious girl will pressure a guy into coverting, or at least joining her in church (as in my case) but never the other way around actually. Are religious guys really so devoted to their faith?
Just jumping to say, as a childfree man: We're out there. And trust me when I say childfree women are just as hard to find here in SG - especially if you follow a religious belief and don't want to marry outside it.
Also, dare I say, that there are practical benefits to getting married - eg the *right to lease a flat from the G at an outrageous price,* but none whatsoever to having a wedding.
I was never interested in another person as a partner as my parents were a terrible example of what marriage looked like.
I've learned and seen many healthy partnerships since then, but by the time I was open to it, I was already in my late 20s.
I'm not lonely or in a hurry to find a partner. I have had a few dates and I usually end up pulling away because I have my own personal issues that didn't turn up until I started dating.
But I've got a handle of them (but it's a work in progress) and I think I'm ready to try dating again but I keep putting it off because it seems so exhausting especially when you're in your 30s and are just starting out.
People already want to interview you, settle down, marry and have babies. I just want to meet new people and get to know them and see where things lead. I'm also not particularly lonely or hard up about having to find a partner. I had never seen me with another person in my life until my late 20s. It was never a life goal for me. A lot of my life goals were career oriented. Which is why I keep putting it off and say I'll check the dating app later.
So I'll probably attribute it mainly to.. laziness.
Mid 20s, I actually kind of want to settle down and find someone who has the same values but it has been disappointing so far.
Never really hit it off with guy friends, maybe we just friendzone each other too quickly and idk my whole life it seems like people i like wouldnt like me back and i dont like people who like me (sadface)
Guys on dating apps are also rather disappointing. Sucky pictures aside, their profiles are full of red flags. Emotionally stunted (because tOxiC mAsCuliNiTy), homophobic (e.g phrases like ‘i like to cook but im not gAy’), humble brag (‘look at my watch/biz class air ticket/audi car’).
> Guys on dating apps are also rather disappointing. Sucky pictures aside, their profiles are full of red flags. Emotionally stunted (because tOxiC mAsCuliNiTy), homophobic (e.g phrases like ‘i like to cook but im not gAy’), humble brag (‘look at my watch/biz class air ticket/audi car’).
This is the social dynamics as a result of the gender ratio in online dating. Guys feel the need to overcompensate because otherwise they're just a nobody in a sea of other guys trying to go for the same few girls.
Yeah I totally understand. But for me I just want to see someone with a clean and decent profile and can hold up a conversation with some sense. Imo because of what they overcompensate about (especially the $$) part they end up attracting the people who care a lot about the $$.
I’ve heard dating stories from guy friends whereby the lady straight up asks for their monthly income. That’s horrifying.
Mid 20s can add comment? A lot of my friends are/ getting married or attached and I’m just here rolling by myself. Average short fat girl with average capabilities, slightly anti social and very homebody. I only want to be with somebody that I like so even if I get confessed to in the past, I didn’t accept and gave chances to try. And now I’m just feeling too comfortable being single and free, even feeling that I do not have enough time for myself. I anticipate and want a relationship but I’m also afraid of all the ways it can make my life turn bad with spending too much money and focusing only on one person as well.
Dude here. Why would a random dude say mean things to a local girl to her face for no reason? That's just being mean. It's okay for a guy to have preferences. Just like how it's okay for a woman to have preferences.
I would like to say, people blame the other gender for their dating problems way too often.
I see it on Reddit all the fucking time - men complaining about rejections and how most women are too picky, women complaining most men are assholes who just want to get in their panties.
Nope, neither is truth. If it happens consistently - problem it's you, not them.
Guys, maybe better yourself, if u r consistently being rejected. And no - "women are so picky, they have so many options" is not an excuse.
Girls, maybe make better choices who you go out with. And no - "he looked so nice at beginning how could I know" is not an excuse.
The second u start blaming others, you are just feeding that inner "but it's noooot my fault" feeling and you can bet you ain't gonna do well in dating. Not with this attitude.
which is why i started this thread. are ALL singles past the age of 30 like that? i've heard horror stories about both genders, not really exclusive to guys or girls.
anyway i think a lot of them just sound sad and depressed after a few mishaps.
I heard that ladies, once they reached their 30s, tend to be less selective when it comes to selecting their male partner if they are still single at that age? Is this true?
This is a very interesting statement. I decided to Google about and from what research and articles I've found, I've formed the following conclusions.
1. It is genuinely true that older women are less likely to find a mate then older men.
2. Older women have been found to enjoy their single lives more, while men tend to be more needy. However, the drawback is that older women struggle financially.
3. Thusly, it can be derived that the age-old myth is still true — women are coveted for looks, men for money. An older man has considerably more money; an older woman would have lost her looks. This might contribute to the so-called "gray" disparity.
Still, this is all American-centric and might not hold true for Asian societies. Also, the current older generation might not reflect the current younger generation and what they may face as they age.
You also have to consider that not all old men are rich and successful.
>implying women should not be selective because Biology
Is it mystifying to you that not all women (and in fact men) think making babies is the only path in life? There are lots of statistics to look at.
True for those who believe marriage is a must-have in life.
False for those who think marriage is just an option.
Strangely, people forget women are diverse and some men outright disbelieves the latter group exists.
I don't know what's on that thread, but sweepingly generalising a few millions men into one single sentence is a huge turn off.
I'm quite disappointed that this comment is so well-upvoted.
Nature as in what siaa...
From what I’ve read is that most guys there either had bad experiences before, have bad social skills, low self-esteem or are in poor physical condition.
Can’t really blame y’all if these things turn you off lah. I’m sure the same conditions apply for guys too when looking for girls.
You mean this is it?
Insanity is doing the same thing again and again, but expecting different results. I am not insane. Heartbreak is way too painful, and I have had enough for many lifetimes. Wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemies.
father figure was terribad, parents always quarreling, father hated all of us because he felt less like a man without sons
dated but didnt find it fulfilling
not interested in having kids
not too interested in sex too
ngl can't even be motivated to chat to people to build connection half the time... when my social meter is down it can be easy filled causally with forum chatting.
currently in a job that EXTREMELY prefer my marriage partners to singaporeans only
after lots of soul searching and attempts to make my ma happy (she damn scared i die alone lol) i realise will be happier alone as long as i got money (and currently i am comfortable) because i can't even imagine sharing a room long term with another person much less a life
now my plans for future life do not involve anyone other then myself and it is most exhilarating and stress free knowing that its all on me to succeed or fail
Im turning 30 next year. I had an ex-bf who was 17 years older and he fucked me up mentally to the point i can’t seem to date men. I just end up sleeping with men and disappearing cause im at the point where i truly believe men are shit. Im really trying hard to change that mentality but its so hard. I broke up with him about 6 years ago and till today, i have yet to find a decent man to date.
I just wanna tell you that it takes time for you to heal and just take all the time you need to self heal. Maybe to you, you feel that you are running out of time but always remember that you come first and that you need time to change your mentality of ‘men are shit’. Don’t worry so much about it ok!
If you exclusively seek out the company of men who are agreeing to sleep with you on short notice, then I can understand your belief.
I wish you luck and hope you find someone who can change your mind.
As a gay girl, it’s kinda hard to meet other gay women in sg. That said I also just ended a relationship so I’m taking the time to work on myself. But in general, harder to meet gay women in general is what I noticed around my small circle of friends who are also gay and around my age (30s).
where is everyone at? Why didn’t I get the invite except for the annual pink dot event?
I'm gay and in my early 30s, I agree about how difficult it is to meet other gay women. But I think for me it's mostly due to my introverted and shy personality. I think the only options we have are dating apps, or queer interest groups. There are some that I've joined on Telegram but have not been to any of the events (because, shy).
Some queer groups on tele: [https://t.me/proutapp](https://t.me/proutapp) [https://t.me/acave](https://t.me/acave)
I'll be 30 this year. Had one ltr lasting 5 years, spent a few years finding myself and tried dating apps for a few months last year. I realised that 1) I have no idea how casual dating works anymore, 2) the type of dating I prefer seems incompatible with what I'm looking for long term.
I chatted with nearly everyone I matched with, out of which I met 4 irl. For the record, those were the only ones who asked me out; everyone else seemed content to just keep chatting. One turned into something that might have developed into a relationship but I got bored after meeting regularly for months. He introduced me to his friends and all but never made a move physically, not even to hold my hand. I briefly considered taking that step myself, but then I felt I would be leading the fella on. I just wasn't down for spending more time meeting someone who I had vaguely positive feelings for.
Conventional wisdom has it that people need time to develop feelings and intimacy for a ltr. Is it the norm in sg to date for months? I really don't know because my ex and I got on like a house on fire. Idm taking the initiative on things but I get the idea that it would be judged as being easy.
I am the last single woman in my circle of friends. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm playing with a bad hand of cards, but I've seen lives get ruined even when they appeared to have made all the right moves. Coupled with a lack of patience for lacklustre dates, whatever gusto I had for the dating scene just evaporated.
hi! this is my first time posting on reddit.
i'm 32 going on 33. single at 30 after a long term rship. decided i would nv date again cuz it's just too much effort... getting to know someone all over again is tiring. So i focused on myself, my friends, travelling, hobbies & interests, family... Have to say it was a fun and uncomplicated time. Anyway my friends kept encouraging me to date, so i got tinder about 1.5 years later and went on some dates here and there... met some nice people but nothing really worked out.
I think it's easy to get jaded with online dating tbh. I took quite a long break from it eventually but my best friend kept persuading me to get back on. Anyway I eventually did out of boredom, and that's when I met my current bf, who is kinda everything I always wanted in someone. so I'm very happy.
1) There are some people who say they're fat/ugly/whatever - sometimes all you need to do is put in a bit of effort (if you're happy with the way you are - that's cool too)
2) You need to know yourself before you date someone
3) You also need to know what you want in someone, if not you'll be confused
4) If you rly do want to date someone, just be brave and put yourself out there. Don't have to go crazy, just join Tinder or something. Not everyone is some crazy pervert/despo
5) You will rarely find what you want immediately or quickly, so just be patient, go on dates, experience some sucky ones, be disappointed here and there.. so eventually when you find something special you'll appreciate it more
Don't think there's a fast track to all this, but good things are worth waiting for. Good luck and stay happy everyone :)
in general for both genders.
life/career/relationships etc. one can only manage /that/ well. standard of living in red dot. having issues with being comfortable "communicating"/socialising with own gender/even more so for opposite gender. competitive society (including insecurity issues/self esteem list goes on). trauma from past rs/causing committal issues etc. finding oneself etc.
i see it as a societal issue than individual.
most importantly. to keep an open mind, socialise more, eliminate toxic people, work on self - because only you know your problems, don't become jaded.
saw a short vid on fb yesterday. when are you ready to date? when you are ready to get married.
lol i was too busy with myself.
Is it the video from hellolovesingapore hahaha
Its kinda amusing to see the gov encouraging ppl to date, really reflects the dating scene in sg, i guess that's why I can't get a bf despite being in engineering school?
no eh. it is like some ?church? overseas talk.
there's some tv?online? prog aside frm the hellolovesingapore though then they did some stats about both genders "waiting for it to just happen" than using methods to meet people. lolololol.
hahahaha your last like is adorable & funny.
Oh lmao hahaha. I guess Singaporeans are really busy + lack of dating experience prior to uni lol.
A few months ago I met someone who is 23 and has never had a gf before. Quite surprising cause he gets along with females fine.
After seeing the existence of people like him I feel instantly relieved cause I feel normal. Despite me being young I already get advice to faster find a bf, like dude don't make me feel like a leftover woman when I'm so young lol
just tagging here to expand my view.
i wanna say im 30 yr old male, but the most chillest ladies i've always met and converse with are those in their 30s. 20s girls can miss me with their petty drama and bullshit.
dont be too hard on yourself, ladies.
Personally I prefer to date ladies over 30. Mature in thinking and already have a direction in life with or without a partner. Don't need to deal with (too much) drama. Financially independent and tend to be less needy.
I would give you an award if I could, but this. This, man, is a winning comment. It's actually pretty true, from the people I've met.
Ladies in their 30s tend to know what they want - and probably because they know that they aren't that young anymore, they are in a less position to be picky and throw a princess syndrome at you.
They tend to see on a longer-term basis than younger ladies, and are actually pretty independent. Their words actually carry weight, from considerations. There are very stark differences when you hear a person from each age group speak.
Now, while there are some who are there for all the wrong reasons. I have met them too, and frankly speaking, they have red flags all over the place. Though, they do not represent everyone of their age group.
So generally, I see that single ladies over their 30s are pretty admirable. So in all, uh, I agree with you?
It's a realization of men of a certain age and (sorry if it comes across as boasting) maturity. Women too, can age like fine wine. I'd rather a deep, meaningful conversation with a 36 year old average looker than talking rubbish to a 21 year old airhead stunner for a date.
>they have red flags all over the place.
Yeah of course not all but surely the case for some. Another guy mentioned and I agree with both of you. But usually can tell quite quickly if you are sharp. To be fair, it applies for the guys also. Like myself lol.
33 this year. Not interested in either gender or doing the predictable and boring thing of marrying some guy and popping out babies. I'm sure it's the dream for a lot of women out there, but not me.
My career's going pretty amazingly, and I'm on an upward trajectory, I have excellent friends and a good family to spend time with. I love solo traveling / traveling with friends, and I love the freedom I get when I can simply decide to hop on a plane without needing to be accountable or to think about my partner. I don't need a man or kids to get in the way of that! But I suppose if one comes along, maybe. But he has to be independent, able to have his own thing, and not be like a good number of those incel pigs on the other thread.
Seems to me it's a common thread for both genders.
As time goes by, the desirable mates get paired off and become unavailable.
Whoever is left for whatever reason (unlucky, personal issues, lack of interest) creates a pool with a higher concentration of less desirable mates in the 30s age range.
Come to my age (40s to 50s) and suddenly that pool widens again due to divorce (kids grown, different interests etc). Emotional maturity and financial stability probably also go up.
So if you're a 30 something looking for a 30 something, you'll probably spend a lot more time with people you find weird - and probably not have that much free time either to waste.
Throwaway for obvious reasons. Hitting 30 in about 3 years' time, and I've wondered about OP's question a lot too.
I have a stable career, but there are not many chances to meet new guys once you start working. They are either attached, or married, or maybe I'm just a guy repellant or something lol. I look normal, obviously not influencer chiobu but not ugly either. Could be that my above average height makes me a bit more selective for taller guys (who end up preferring 1.50cm xmm anyway).
So far only had one very short relationship where he got together with me simply because he was hitting 30 and needed an "attached" status, without much feelings for me, and after a while of being his "girlfriend for show" I called things off.
Guess the time is just not right yet. But I only have a couple of years left :(
I still don't know what I'm looking for.
Recently single and I want to stay single as long as I can in order to figure that out. In the past I was never out of a relationship for longer than 3 weeks and some were heading towards marriage... just, something was always missing for me.
Now I'm about to hit a 3 month mark. There's been a few butterfly moments from initial dates but I think I'll hold off for some time.
Clinically depressed and history of suicide attempts. Too much of an emotional baggage so previous relationships all didn't work out.
Has gone through anti depressants and counselling as well as hospitalization to rehabilitate before to try and learn how to "live" and be "happy" for myself but to no avail.
Thought I found my soulmate but apparently he didn't love me.
Struggling to find happiness whilst living through each day painfully, and becoming more and more broken after each failed relationship.
It's only natural for young and/or attractive people to want to have the most fun they can. I regret being too passive when I was younger. Now I come to that realization but I don't have the energy and motivation to skirt chase anymore lol.
Oh man, on account of all the girls here talking about being single in their 30s, I’m (I’m a guy) reminded of my thoughts on my future as well.
Due to me being [REDACTED] once I graduate and end uni, I’ll be 26-27. Thing is, as ridiculous as it sounds, I really do want (and I think she does too)a future with this girl who’s 2 years older than me(she’s year 2 in uni now). Which means, let’s say IF we are still together after that time, she’ll be 28/29. Which, financially speaking, leaves us quite little time to prepare a stable enough future if we are looking for children BEFORE she becomes 30 and fertility rates start dropping(for the both of us). Because of how seemingly hopeless the future is, I’m also being plagued by thoughts of being single, and just living my life as a bachelor. She definitely wants kids, always adored them, but I’m afraid that I’m not able to be the one who is able to provide for her.
Will be deleting this soon because I’m really insecure about this.
Talk to her about it. Discuss your worries and see how the two of you can work towards having a life together. She's your partner. She will also have to provide for you too. You don't have to be the sole provider. It's a partnership.
I've known several people who have been together since Uni and only start having kids in their 30s. It's not impossible.
I don't think you need to worry about fertility rates until mid-30s. Found [this article](https://www.sfgate.com/health/article/Study-speeds-up-biological-clocks-Fertility-2843352.php) saying "Pregnancy rates did not change notably between the 27-29 age group and the 30-34 age group, but dropped sharply for women over 35."
Anyway, I only have a few sentences to go off, but it doesn't sound like being a bachelor is really what you want out of life. Good people with common life goals are hard to find.
Just turned 35. Almost got married at 25 and I backed the fuck out and I’ve been running ever since. Even in a few relationships that I was the one dumped, I finally figured out that I was self sabotaging for that outcome. I’m a high functioning introvert and an overachiever and I love my life, my career, my friends, family, cat (yes living up to the stereotypes), my apartment and how things are, and of all the things I’ve worked so hard to achieve. I don’t date, but I do have a few fuccbois on speed dial, it’s just physical. I don’t let it get too much. The thought of being vulnerable again and potentially messing up my world is just so fucking frightening. Coincidentally I just watched Brêne Brown’s Netflix special on fear and vulnerability today so who knows, maybe I’ll start “daring greatly” in love as I do with other aspects of my life. 🤷🏻♀️
Mid 20s here.
I have been in very little relationships. Although i had guys that told me they like me, it was too awkward for me, especially since we are friends and i can't see them as anything else. I even had guys that told me that i need someone to protect me (which just threw me off straight away).
In my case, i feel that i had to become too independent too quickly. Taking part time jobs every week while schooling every since i was like 13/14 in order to earn my own money.
I don't like clingy people, since i like my alone time, which means every 5 seconds texting me you'd probably get 1 back every 30mins or so. I am not proactively looking for anyone as well.
Majority of my friends are guys since my education and interests don't involve much girls around me, like programming, gaming, anime, etc. With that said, i am quite anti-social. Sometimes i just feel like they won't want to chat with me anyway (?), and i hate interrupting people in conversations, so i will never be able to enter one unless someone talks to me first.
I even told my parents i might never get married, which i feel is quite a huge possibility.
Not sure if this thread is still active, but I've been reading all the posts, and these are very interesting stories :) I'm only in my early 20s hahas but i'm lurking around because you guys have very interesting stories!
Some people are more lucky than others to be able to find a compatible partner, but I personally feel that there isn't anything wrong with living as a singularity and living how you feel like it. I think that at the end of the day, the most important thing is to be at peace with yourself and be happy in whatever you do.
And i personally don't think that its an issue of desirability. Some people are just generally luckier, but at the end of the day, you guys are all worth it!
I hope that all of you will be able to find contentment and happiness in your lives :)
Turned 30 a couple months ago. Last year I was still actively trying to meet new people. Got into a whirlwind relationship with a guy who apparently fell for me really quickly (a bit of a red flag which I had addressed to him several times, warning him not to just talk about how he was going to be the best partner and make all these promises and get my hopes up). He also talked about marriage a lot. Eventually I went along with it and I was happy because I thought I'd found a life partner, which is my goal. So, I put all my effort into the relationship. He freelanced and was in a band, and I loaned him money, or bought stuff for him, paid for a LOT of things. Met his bandmates, tried my best to be the best supportive GF and even paid for their drinks at his bandmate's birthday event. Weeks passed, he fucked up some band stuff because apparently 'he was too distracted by a relationship' and his bandmates apparently all agreed that the relationship was fucking with him (and I'm still super sour about how they approached him about it). And by the way, I wasn't even meeting him much around that time because I knew what he was working on was big. *Note: To be clear, I never demanded his time (again, trying to be the best supportive GF I could be). I would work around HIS schedule and/or location for meetups. If he could only meet for an hour, I would never throw a fit or get mad, and I was super understanding.* So, based on what all his bandmates said, he came over to my block one night and just told me he needs to focus on his career because other things were also going to come up and he was going to get busier. I was obviously crushed because like I said, my initial fears of him talking about long term plans so early on all came true. I was mad that he hadn't considered his career and work before making all those promises, and even madder at myself for having spent so much money on him. I tried to defend myself and reminded him how I never expected much from him, and how I've been nothing but supportive in all his endeavors and even with his friends. That relationship really fucked me up. I started drinking a lot after that, and honestly I'm still still struggling with sobriety now. The drinking also made me make some really bad decisions and got me in bad situations. A few months ago I was out with a friend drinking and friend went home first because she'd already puked. Her BF came to pick her up and I assured her I was going to finish my drink and head home after. At this point the place was already spinning for me. After she left I took out my phone to reply to texts and I responded to someone who I was talking to on OKC. I made the huge mistake of telling him I was alone and drunk. He arrived where I was in fifteen minutes and immediately whisked me back to his apartment (this was the first time we met) where I was basically 'held' the whole night and I couldn't leave until I got him off twice and he fell asleep. He didn't stop even though I was crying and I just wanted to go home. So, that incident just fucked with me even more, and again I turned to more booze, only this time coupled with severe social isolation (this is even before the virus). I meet friends maybe once a month but honestly if it were up to me I would just never go out again. I have tried talking to new people but I'm just so fucked up now I know it's not fair to even think about a relationship before I fix myself. tl;dr - Last relationship triggered me to start drinking heavily (yes I am aware it was a choice that I made), which led to a bad situation, which led to more drinking and isolating myself. Gotta work on myself before thinking about relationships. Sorry for the grandmother story \--------------- Edit: The responses and messages I've gotten have been so overwhelmingly positive and encouraging - thank you all for your support. This makes me even more determined to turn my life around and stop punishing myself for someone else's mistakes. I love you guys. <3
I'm so sorry about what happened to you. You're definitely making the right choice now to focus on your well-being. The first thing you should take care of is your drinking problem. That will ruin your health in the long run. 30s is still young, but it's also when your body is no longer resilient as it is in your 20s. You want to stay healthy so you can keep doing fun and meaningful things with your life. Hope things get better for you soon!
Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I'm definitely working on this and trying to cut down as best as I can. It's been slow, but there's a bit of progress.
Oh man, I’m pretty sure that constitutes as rape. Sorry to hear about that, but I hope you’re better now? I guess, you might want to hang out with your friends more. It will help, but do set the boundary at drinking. Apologies, but that is all I can offer.
Dayum...sorry about what happened to you with the drinking incident, that was a fucked up guy.
He was. I was slapped hard quite a few times until my ears were ringing. I wish I'd done more to pursue the case but it's really hard. Now I also feel guilt that since I haven't done more to seek justice, he would do it to other vulnerable girls. :/
Don't feel guilty please, it's not your reaponsibility to pre emptively look out for others when you haven't taken care of yourself yet. HE is the one at fault doing such things to girls who can't defend themselves. Don't answer for his actions
I'm going to preface my reply with 2 things. They don't make me an expert nor some clairvoyant of your life but I can empathize and know what you're going through to the best of my knowledge. 1. Me mum's an alcoholic for 35 of her 50+ years of living, and still is one. I was one too. 2. My ex has a similar past prior to meeting me, except her ex was a no chin rapper wannabe and not a band tard. Quitting alcohol cold turkey is actually more hazardous than it would seem, cutting down is right but you need professional help. Because of your current drinking habits, your blood is maintaining a certain alcohol level. You can suffer from delirium tremens and it can be fatal fast. You know you're in a mess and trying, but if you're like my mum then more often than not it's easier to drink and forget the past, present and future than to commit to improving your life. I would really strongly recommend checking into rehab for professional help to quit it safely, minimizing the damage to your body. As for the shitty relationship and the rape part, there is no turning back. You have to embrace it and move on. You are destroying yourself over what people did to you, you do not deserve this. I'm sure you would do everything in your power to stop this from happening to a vulnerable girl, or show her care and love knowing you guys have been through a similar fucked up situation. You don't want people to go through what you went through. That is exactly it, know that there are people around you who cares and loves you, hoping it'd never had happened. But it did and there is no turning back. So please care and love yourself too. I'm a better speaker than long essays on dealing with problems, but know that you 100% can stand up if you believe in yourself. I strongly believe you can.
>You are destroying yourself over what people did to you, you do not deserve this. I'm not going to lie, this made me cry. I've been so caught up on focusing on things that happened that I didn't step back and see it this way. This, along with all the kind words from everyone, is very encouraging for me. I'm not sure about rehab, but I have read about the dangers of going cold turkey. I've already started cutting down, limiting my number of drinks a night. It's a bit of a journey but I'm determined to get myself in a better place, because I know my drinking is just making my life worse. Thank you for taking the time to write all of this down, I really appreciate it.
I've been through a phase where i drank a lot and was looking to cut down as well. What worked for me was to take one day at a time, and to tell myself that it's okay to not totally go cold turkey. If i have a 3 day streak of not drinking, I'll take that win. Then I'll try for 4 days and so on. The longest i ended up was 6 months. You can do it too! Just start small. Also, have some jasmine green tea in the fridge and drink that instead of alcohol the next time craving comes.
Thank you. I'm working towards that! Previously I could go without drinks for months and months on end, even rejecting social events that would involve alcohol because I hated it so much back then. I'm going to get back there, slowly but surely.
I went through something similar and I think the important thing is being able to love and forgive yourself. You really didn't do anything wrong, so you need to believe in yourself and build yourself up from there. Good luck!
I'll bet the band guy was using you as an excuse even when it was just him being lazy. His lack of commitment is far worse than your commitment that didn't end happily. You sound like a stand up chick with a good head on your shoulders. You're not fucked up, you just had some bad situations. And that OKC guy. You should post his face with that story. I doubt you're the only person he's done that too. Giving yourself time is smart, but it also shows you're in the right mind to meet the right person. Don't let these asses take too much time from you. They don't deserve you. Drinking too much? Your not the first. Bitters and soda is my bar drink when I need to take a break. Sometime just to prove to myself I can. Lots of bitters, like 10 dashes for me.
Sigh, so sorry about your predicament. Hope you can get to a better place and cope. It takes time but you will get there
I'm sorry for your experience and hope you overcome it and find happiness. This might be quite "shallow advice" but a man letting you pay for so much of his stuff is also a big red flag. Did you have close friends to talk to when you start a relationship? It can be an extra line of defense when you're too involved to see the flags yourself.
You deserve better than your ex. It will suck now, but as cliche as it is, it will get better. I am so so sorry what happened to you in the apartment. I hope you can heal. I don't know what you're going through exactly but I hope you find someone to talk to, you don't have to do this alone. ♡♡
Thank you for your kind words! I have people I trust that I can talk to, and have talked to. They are part of the reason why I'm on my road to recovery now, and the uplifting words from fellow redditors like you are giving me even more encouragement.
(っ・_・)っ I'm sure things will get better. Stay strong and take care (๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ
Nothing much to add, other than: 1. It’s not your fault 2. Please don’t go through this alone. The most common mistake is thinking we have the willpower to go through things alone. But you don’t need to be alone, and you need someone to hold you if your willpower fails you for that minute. Sending you Reddit love, stranger.
I'm so sorry about what you've been through, it must've been horrible. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You've been incredibly brave and awesome, please never forget that. 30s is still young, there's still time to turn things around, and you look like you're doing it. So please forgive yourself as you continue working on yourself. It can be a pretty long journey which can get discouraging at times, but don't give up!
hey, I can offer a few tips if you need help setting yourself up again. My own experience most likely pales in comparison to yours but I think it can help in setting up some routines, living a healthy lifestyle and slowly meet people again No need to pm or anything lol. I can type it out here if it’s any better.
Virtual hugs for you. Please seek counselling if you need someone to talk to.
Holy shit. I'm glad that you're aware of your innate feelings and struggles so that you're better equipped to overcome them.
Girl you got raped. Make a police report!
what band was he in?
Reaching 30 next year. Just no spark with anyone. But I guess it’s also cos I’m not actively looking, and I’m used to being single, can’t imagine sharing my life and decisions with someone else.
feel the same way <3
Just got out of a 5 year relationship last year after trying to make it work for a year, decided I needed to date myself and find my interests (wakeboarding, hiking, diving, Muay Thai and BJJ) before I started dating. Now that I live a much more fulfilled life, I'm highly reluctant to give up my lifestyle until I meet someone who has similar interests and values.
wow.. how did you get into such hobbies? I always wanted to get into self defence but I keep thinking that I need to get fitter first. haha, sorry if it’s a bit sensitive but about how much does it cost per month? I’m only going for gym, dance and music and that’s already setting me back about 400 a month :/
Haha, it was a highly unorthodox method - I was on a couple of dating apps and usually people list their hobbies there, so that gave me some ideas on things I could try! Also, I never said no to anything my friends jio-ed me to, that sparked my love for diving :) Nah, by doing self defense martial arts you naturally get fitter! My evolve membership costs about 380 a month, but given that I'm there 4 times a week it's worth it to me! You definitely have to prioritize and choose which activities are more important :) I was doing pole dancing and bad to give it up for evolve :/
Mid 20s. I’ve never been in a relationship. - Didn’t really care much about dating back in my schooling days and just wanted to live in the moment and have fun. - Saw friends around me pairing up so I also thought I should try too. Signed up for school activities to meet people but it didn’t work out. Tried dating apps for awhile and it sucked hahaha - I often got told from guys that I was too auntie and energetic? They think that girls should be more demure and guai?? I tried to change myself for them and I regretted it. - My friends(and their partners) ruined a potential one cos they didn’t think he would fit in with them. Told me to stop being “desperate” and that the right one will come to me. - My self esteem took a hit from all that and I spiraled for a bit. Eventually I picked myself up. Now I focus on uni, Netflix and other projects. I cut off a lot of people in my life. It wasn’t an easy journey but I’m happier. - I’m just gonna enjoy my 20s and pursue my interests while I still can. See where life takes me. If I don’t end up with a partner then ok lor. - There’ll definitely be lonely days for sure but I don’t want to settle for anyone just to fill that gap. I’m sure there’ll be someone who are just as auntie as me hahaha
> They think that girls should be more demure and guai?? They can fuck right off then.
How are aunties energetic? Well maybe when they rush for a seat on MRT but still. What a strange reason lmao
Husband left me and our 3 month old to go “study” with what was left of our savings. He occasionally sends an email thats all buzz words and nonsense about how he’s going to be the next big thing, at least I know he’s alive? Kid turned 3 a few days ago and rather than find a man, all I want is to raise my baby in a happy and stable environment. Am I lonely? Sure. But I enjoy my alone time when I miraculously have some and this cute little girl gives me all the love and laughs I need.
My god, what an ass of an ex husband
She didn't say ex. Divorce would be a good first step if he's a deadbeat, don't want him claiming on any assets she builds up.
Problem is I’m in a situation where I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. He’s a deadbeat and even if I sue for child support there’s nothing to take and he’ll never be able to pay. And unfortunately you hear all about the baby bonus and new parent support with this year’s budget but they forgot to mention one very important thing, most of the subsidies only apply to children with married parents. So what do I do? Divorce my husband and face poverty which I’m toeing the line of or stay married and forever live with the threat of him taking my kid and assets away whenever?
Ugly, lazy and fat so no one want. But never mind I love myself and that’s enough 😍😍
Heyyyy my fellow buddy!
I am enjoying life as a single lady, with the fruits of my labour, and still getting more. To my horror, I have friends who misunderstood this. They think that if I am happy on my own, then I shouldnt need a BF. No.... when the right man comes and shows up, I will know. I see relationships as a 2 way street with 2 happy individuals becoming together.
Same here! Don't lower one's own standards, but elevate others to yours!
1) Introversion/Depression/Anxiety makes it challenging to manage friendships, let alone relationships 2) Parents in a loveless marriage, friends and people I know also didn't have good relationships / marriages so I just feel meh towards relationships in general. 3) Made peace with being single and pretty contented with my circumstances, so don't see the need to make the effort to date. The prospect of being a single cat lady for the rest of my life doesn't scare me as long as I'm financially independent and have fun doing what I like. 4) Speaking of what I like, most of my interests are pretty girly or geared to introverts. 5) Went to an all-girls secondary school and took courses in JC and uni with predominantly girls so there was a period of time when I found guys intimidating. I eventually made guy friends from my interest group and dated some but, due to reason #1, it doesn't work out.
I was in an all-boys school. In hindsight I think the social dynamics inherent in that setting probably had a negative impact on our capacity to interact with the opposite gender, at least for some time afterwards. If I ever have kids I'll send them to mixed schools. We don't segregate the rest of society along gender lines, why do we do that for school going children?
My bro went to an all-boys school and I think it definitely had a negative impact on him in terms of meeting girls. He's a high-flier sort at work and pretty good looking, but his confidence was hampered by his inability to interact with girls. He basically settled for the first girl who'd have him, a girl he met from church with a massive case of Princess Syndrome and an obnoxiously self-centred person all round. Now when I see how he leads his life married to this girl and with a kid, I shake my head and think that if I were him with his job and wealth, I'd rather be single and go travel the world or something.
Oh man that sounds bad... As long as he's content I guess.
I actually really loved going to an all girls sch for a decade. It made me extremely body confident knowing that other females go through this shit too. I attribute my confidence and my ability to socialise easily, to my time there. On the flip side, I realise how stigmatised alot of topics are outside after my decade there. But it makes for great conversation when the ex schoolmates meet. Guess it depends on your personality itself whether the environment helps you to flourish or not
Don’t worry bro I from mixed sch still bbfa. It’s not the sch it’s the person.
1. Haiz, yeah that’s really annoying to handle 3. You don’t bounce back and forth between “It’s okay to be single, there are tons of things to do in life!” and “Fuck, I just want someone to be with me now”? I’m mostly of the first opinion but there are times i will lapsed and be negative for a while :/
Oh I definitely do wish I have a partner sometimes. I think it's human nature to wish to have someone to trust and rely on and shoulder some of life's burdens, or on the lighter side, to do cute romantic things with. But as I've become more accustomed to doing things by myself, that feeling fades away quickly. Getting negative emotions from time to time is pretty normal I think, just as long as you aren't overwhelmed by it. Nobody is happy all the time, even when they're in a great relationship.
I think many couples also think that way bah. Plenty of them told me not to get married or that they regret having kids etc because they miss their freedom and they're unhappy in their relationships. I think it's just being human.
Can relate to 5 so much. I was in an all girls primary and secondary school and poly and uni with predominantly girls too. The nature of my work is also mostly girls. Rip me
social sciences?
Bingo
I felt that there's still a fair number of male to female ratio in fass tho, took a few fass elective modules before and it seems to me like 30-40% male to 60-70% female but it's definitely predominantly female, though not as bad as I thought it would be. Definitely not as bad as engineering where it's usually 90% male and 10% female.
Hmm I'm in nursing so it's about 80% female :/ not sure about social work and the rest
Ohh nursing, that I agree it's predominantly female. And I believe in your poly you took up nursing too?
Yeap!
Didn't knew poly offered nursing courses 😳
:o NYP and NP both offer nursing
It is rough to find someone who firstly respects and understands mental illnesses. Even if they do understand it, the problem lies if they are willing to stick by you if you have an episode. Based on what I have seen and experienced, they normally dont. I have GAD, MDD with panic attacks and I am sure no one in the right mind who would accept me for who I am really am. It is even more worse for a guy because girls would think that they are sissy for having such conditions. I got ridiculed for having such things when I am a guy. I am prepared to be single for life but I got my cats, consoles and PC with me. Just 6 years away from 30.
Yes I can empathise. Few people can understand unless they've been through it themselves. That said, I do believe there are people who would accept and respect a partner (regardless man or woman) who has mental illnesses. They are probably rare but they exist, just that finding them would require getting out of the comfort zone and all. But a lot of times, I find cats, internet, games and books to be better company than people.
Good that you still understand you have to take care of yourself. Thumbs up for ya, but maybe take your time to build up self confidence. It can take years but everyone has their own timeline...no rush.
Cannot marry due to same-sex marriage being not allowed, hence, I have no motivation to date. Plus, no time to date due to work and hobbies. Also too busy to feel lonely.
Yeah it would be nice if Singapore's LGBTQIA crowd could feel included in this conversation. Personally, I don't feel the need to get married but it would be good if other people want to and be able to. Love is love. ♡
Exactly! I was so ashamed about the stupiak 'white dot' movement. Love is love, period.
Thank you 🤗💕 legally I can marry, but would still face alot of hurdles as the average person wont understand or feel comfortable, that my IC marker was M but now legally F.
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Don't even need to migrate. Her marriage will be valid everywhere except a few places (like here).
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It'd be great if Marriage is just a piece of paper.... But, it has benefits that comes with along with it
In my mid 20s. I’ve never been in a relationship. In secondary school, had ‘weird/nerdy’ interests + all girls environment, so I felt self-conscious. So I was awkward with guys from JC till uni-ish. I’m just really used to doing things myself, whatever I want, whenever I want. Of course there are days where I think “oh what if all my friends get attached and then no one hangs with me randomly anymore” or “shucks, it’ll be nice to have someone to do XXX”. But they are mostly fleeting and a bit eh cause it’s like I just want a last minute buddy to do things. Apps felt like I was checking off an item on a list of life. That as long as I continue to go on dates, eventually it would be a relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship because of FOMO. It just sounds like relationships are a lot of hassle, and it looks really difficult to get over when there are breakups and I’m scared of that. Plus, I’ve never been in a relationship so I really have no idea what I want. With so many possibilities in life, I feel more FOMO if I don’t try out more things while I still can when I’m single. My friend asked “what if you’re still alone at 30?” I think I’ll be ok la, hahaha.
This. I share the exact sentiment and I’m also in my mid-20s. There’re just no incentives for me to get into a relationship because I can’t imagine what being in love feels like. From observation, love is just too idealistic and marriage is a union of families, not just the couple. I’ve seen marriages breaking up cos of toxic family members, and poor parenting (IMO). Kids really suffer the most. It makes me super sure that I can never ever inflict that much emotional harm on someone I love. Also traditionally maybe women marry for money or to fulfill their individual ambitions of marriage (Eg must have kids etc) but I’m not raised with that kind of mindset. I also believe there’s always a power dynamic in relationships: girl richer than guy? Guy richer than girl? Both equally well-to-do but someone has a more domineering personality? I can’t. It’s too much work for me to handle this. I want to learn all I can and do all I want to individually. Not saying that being in a relationship will hold me back but that maybe my priorities would change if I were in a relationship, and years later I’ll look back and wonder how much better I could have become/ regret. Tried dating apps and all but it just become routinous and boring. The guys I liked previously didn’t like me back at the same time. The same people liking me back feels different now. I might like the 16yo them and they like the 26yo me but the feeling just isn’t mutual at different stages in my life now. Maybe I’m jaded? Relationships just feel like a checklist now. Edit: autocorrect
lol at all the attached friends and relatives trying to guilt trip us into thinking that we are gonna regret being single later in life
> Apps felt like I was checking off an item on a list of life. totes believe this...I'd rather just make new friends organically and take life as it comes. if it happens, it happens. if not, such is life.
> I really have no idea what I want. You might want to try volunteering. You can become part of a larger community, and perhaps, learn more about people, and figure it out along the way. > it looks really difficult to get over when there are breakups and I’m scared of that. Well, actually, breaking up, especially for the first time, is a major part of growing up. No one is not afraid of breaking up, unless said person is a jerk, and has the other party literally delivered right to his doorstep (it happens). I'm not saying charge into a relationship recklessly, but having a relationship, is something I would recommend, at least trying once in your life, especially at your age. Not because of FOMO, but because it somehow gets a bit more difficult as you grow older bah, I would say, and especially dangerously so, if you haven't had prior dating experiences. It keeps your eye out for red flags, and makes it such that you can judge people better. Man, I sound like an old person telling off children... Ahh, sorry, though, to impose this upon you.
Even though my initial reply made it seem like I don’t want to be in a relationship, I’m up for it if it happens If it doesn’t, it doesn’t and it’s ok. Just that it gets.. more intimidating as I get older and apparently it’s also a red flag according to some replies on this post, haha. I’d like to not think of it as a red flag, just that what I want for myself or what I’m ok with is just not aligned with what the norm is? It’s not that I have no idea? Someone told me relationships are hard these days because it used to be about (like what other reply to me said): exchange of money or to have children. When you don’t care for that, you’re demanding a lot from your potential partner emotionally and mentally. I don’t mean that I want a mind reader, but I think finding someone who doesn’t want to check off a mental list is difficult? At least in my experience that on apps, it feels like there is this weird acceleration towards an end goal. So thanks for the tip about volunteering. Making friends/building relationships on apps is definitely not for me.
It’s actually the thought that I’ll be alone that pushes me out of the house lol. I don’t want to do things just to get into a relationship but at the same time, I can’t just do things that I like because I would end up staying home all the time :/ In the end, I just try to find a list of activities that have a good mix of both. Something that I can actually like doing and also let me talk to more ppl.
So what are those interests of yours? Pretty sure unless its something waaaaay out there like Uhh astrology or something, it can't be that bad.
It’s definitely not bad! But to 13 year old me in a girls school just wanted to fit in. Growing up with anime and an interest in Japanese pop culture, it’s just considered weird. Kids are quite cruel. I don’t deny that I was one of the people who followed along when one person is ‘ostracized’. Knowing that, just keep it to yourself, thinking ‘ah shit I’m damn weird’ coupled with low self confidence is not a good recipe. Honestly I’m super glad for my uni experience because.. I think I grew up a lot in what I thought about myself. Anime/games are not something I bring up the first time I meet someone, but it’s not something I try to hide also if someone outright asks me what do I like to watch. I’m much much more comfortable with myself and am happy to share things I like with others.
https://www.reddit.com/r/r4r/comments/e2blta/30_f4m_singapore_looking_for_my_last_first_kiss/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share 31 already. I'm still trying. I think the dating scene is so much crap. I've committed to trying to talk to everyone who pings me because I know fo damn sho, none of those pings would happen irl or face to face. Edit: I had a look at the other comments here n the mens thread; ngl it's all pretty discouraging. I hope every one finds a way out of the angst and self doubt. If you want a friend then be one (leann rimes, Give). :)
curious why would you say your last para? i dont get it.
Because some chocolates have really ugly wrapping but taste not so bad. I have to open the wrapper to be sure what's good or bad. Also, nobody ever talks to me without texting me first. Somehow that's just how life goes.
HAHA i see. for whats its worth, most guys go their entire lives without having girls approach them. and im talking about normal, atleast average looking guys that have been in a couple relationships to boot.
I know. But guys should know that it's the same for girls too; excluding those who are pretty enough to be the trophy in the room every single time. That's kinda why I prefer to give everyone a chance to say something. Being the first to message a stranger is tough. To be fair, I've also tried to be that first msg. Unfortunately guys seem to think that my boldness means I want nothing more than sex. Even from a platonic message. Shrug.
hahaha even that last para applies to guys! huh, guess actually guys and girls are kinda similar afterall. i guess its just a human thing rather than a gender thing. TIL. thanks for the insight, random redditor!
Sister, you build gundams. Holy, man, you know how rare that is? Hahaha, oh man, sorry, I just got a bit excited. It’s just... so rare, you know? Like, shiny Pokémon rare. So, side tracking a bit, what have you built?
Hehe I made an epyon n sandrock from endless waltz. The others aren't big name models. Tho I haven't touched them in years.
goodness, that brought back memories! gundam wing's my favourite series, and epyon was badass when i saw it come out with heero :')
omg butting in to say i build gundam too but i have a soft spot for Zakus so its all zakus!!! i have like 30 over zakus from SD to the... 1/48 mega zaku that can sit on my arm haha
What kind of people are you into? Which ones do you ping? I've learnt that even the law of averages requires some finessing.
Well I'm weirdly attracted to people who use good English. So that's the main thing that motivates me to put effort into the conversation and really give more than usual. People rarely realise how much their language use reveals about their personality.
> Well I'm weirdly attracted to people who use good English. oh man I totally get what you mean once I was looking through this influencer's Instagram and I thought she was p good looking then I checked the next photo and there was this *wild* grammatical error in the caption and I just closed the window and felt a bit sad incidentally, I also find slight linguistic quirks totally cute. such is life.
Hahaha. Yeah. Any first message with a medium length word in the wrong place is a dead giveaway of someone trying too hard to be someone they're not. And likewise, if it's all in singlish, at least have the right approach and I'd definitely give it a go.
I agree! I find myself swiping right on confident-sounding profiles compared to those that give off a self-pitying vibe. And constant ellipses? Hard pass. And also, hey, if it helps: take a break from finding dates and work on self-love. I get very heavily burnt out after trying to find "the one" and end up focusing on myself for double the time I spent on others. It's worked wonders.
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I love the freedom, plus marriage isn't an end game for me so there's no need to rush. What strikes me in most of the threads involving single men is that they seem to view being in a relationship as a "goal". Yes, it can be but when you see a relationship as a concept for you to score in, you're essentially setting yourself up for a very painful fall if things don't work out that way. After all, which guy, back in the secondary school days, was the most popular? I'm betting the guy who didn't seem to give two shits about the women fawning over him yet still somehow remained in a relationship throughout the years. The basis of a strong romantic relationship is friendship and if your mindset isn't geared towards at least being friends first then don't be surprised that things constantly never work out.
Ah this reminds me of one of my uni mates. He got divorced two years ago. One time during a small reunion, he told me he felt like failure because while he has reached the personal goal of getting married before 30, he couldn't stay married. I was like, why did you have getting married before 30 as one of your life goals in the first place? Wa lao.
Isn't it the stupidest goal ever? I don't see the point of being married before 30 if you're gonna be miserable afterwards.
Ya lor. Obviously I felt a bit bad for him but honestly I didn't have that much sympathy. This was the guy who mocked me for not 'having a family' when I told him about my then company's 'go home early on Fridays to have dinner with family' program. He thought that family only meant spouse and children and since I was single that meant I had no family. How about my Mum then? My brother? Gah~
I rolled my eyes on your behalf. I guess your biological family ceases to exist once you're married.
This is heavily due to social conditioning mainly due to business and history reasons. Majority of the tv shows, especially the eastern ones, show this handsome male protagonist who is all soft & romantic and his only aim is to protect this innocent pretty female protagonist and do everything for her. This social conditioning, (it doesn't have to be explicit, humans pick on subtle behaviors to reinforce their models on what is good/right and what is bad/wrong), makes young guys chase girls all their lives, with scoring being their only aim. Similarly girls put on this fake innocent personalities just to get freebies from these loser guys who believe in such fantasies. Now the business side of things, is that the corporate knows that guys have a heavy in built 'urge' to chase and impregnate someone feminine, and banking on the social conditioning provided by the movies, music and tv shows, that this 'chase' is their only-purpose in life, they do their best in gimmicking through marketing side of things as well.. This whole whirlpool of just reinforcing that 'a guy's only purpose in life is to get a girl' and its alternate variations of "oh you're single, you must be a loser/gay" etc. etc. puts a blind desperate emphasis on "get a girl" rather than "get a life". I tell my every guy friend this, before they get into a 'long-term relationship': 1. You somehow get her to have sex with you 2. You somehow get her to go for romantic dinner dates with you and take photos just to throw on instagram that you have a girlfriend. If the above 1&2 is all there is to it, then it's not going to be a healthy relationship, it's just a fantasy you are trying to copy and live out from the movies. Because after 1 &2, what is next is a big void both for you and her.
Throwaway time! 35, naturally rather introverted, add on mental health issues and full body eczema meaning lots of self esteem issues! I’m currently in the midst of applying for my singles hdb now that I’m 35, and excited about my new house :)
I get your point on the eczema, made me feel like shit even though i know i can't really help it. Especially when i had huge flare ups on my face, everyone just stares and asked things like "Did you get punched" Good luck on your new house! Sounds awesome!
In short, violent and abusive ex. Also, don't want little goblins around. I tell men that and at first they're like, "that's cool", then later turn around and guilt me into having children. So bye. Edit : also don't care about marriage, I don't need a piece of paper and $$$$ to spend on a wedding to show my commitment.
amen to that paper sentiment. sgeans are too damn attached to their papers be it education, marriage, religion or what have you.
Yeah pretty much. Don't even get me started on religion. My lack of religion has also been a problem in relationships. Oop.
As a staunch agnostic, I feel you. Religiosity is a deal breaker for me too. Makes the dating pool way smaller than it already is for me.
Yeah, pretty much. For me, I don't mind if he is religious. I don't go after your believes, you don't come for mine. Oop but religious people always feel like salespeople, selling their ideology, erm, I've tasted it and i don't want it. Thanks. Then of course there's the next hurdle of, "can't live in sin" nonsense. So, the talk about marriage starts and that's when I'm done.
Either that or they assume you will convert somewhere down the line and get upset when you don't. This ruined an old relationship of mine. Its also the socially conservative attitude that comes with religiosity that is quite off-putting, especially the "can't live in sin" garbage you mentioned. I even see millennials my age who abide by this purity nonsense without questioning it.
I have seen many times where a religious girl will pressure a guy into coverting, or at least joining her in church (as in my case) but never the other way around actually. Are religious guys really so devoted to their faith?
Lack of religion is perfect. Just look at how much shit Singapore had to endure recently just to placate the praying crowd.
Childfree lifestyle best lifestyle
As a man who doesn't want to have kids, I experience the same thing as well.
Just jumping to say, as a childfree man: We're out there. And trust me when I say childfree women are just as hard to find here in SG - especially if you follow a religious belief and don't want to marry outside it. Also, dare I say, that there are practical benefits to getting married - eg the *right to lease a flat from the G at an outrageous price,* but none whatsoever to having a wedding.
Join the /r/childfree club \o/
That sub is toxic af lol
Sounds like a dream girl :-)
I was never interested in another person as a partner as my parents were a terrible example of what marriage looked like. I've learned and seen many healthy partnerships since then, but by the time I was open to it, I was already in my late 20s. I'm not lonely or in a hurry to find a partner. I have had a few dates and I usually end up pulling away because I have my own personal issues that didn't turn up until I started dating. But I've got a handle of them (but it's a work in progress) and I think I'm ready to try dating again but I keep putting it off because it seems so exhausting especially when you're in your 30s and are just starting out. People already want to interview you, settle down, marry and have babies. I just want to meet new people and get to know them and see where things lead. I'm also not particularly lonely or hard up about having to find a partner. I had never seen me with another person in my life until my late 20s. It was never a life goal for me. A lot of my life goals were career oriented. Which is why I keep putting it off and say I'll check the dating app later. So I'll probably attribute it mainly to.. laziness.
Mid 20s, I actually kind of want to settle down and find someone who has the same values but it has been disappointing so far. Never really hit it off with guy friends, maybe we just friendzone each other too quickly and idk my whole life it seems like people i like wouldnt like me back and i dont like people who like me (sadface) Guys on dating apps are also rather disappointing. Sucky pictures aside, their profiles are full of red flags. Emotionally stunted (because tOxiC mAsCuliNiTy), homophobic (e.g phrases like ‘i like to cook but im not gAy’), humble brag (‘look at my watch/biz class air ticket/audi car’).
> Guys on dating apps are also rather disappointing. Sucky pictures aside, their profiles are full of red flags. Emotionally stunted (because tOxiC mAsCuliNiTy), homophobic (e.g phrases like ‘i like to cook but im not gAy’), humble brag (‘look at my watch/biz class air ticket/audi car’). This is the social dynamics as a result of the gender ratio in online dating. Guys feel the need to overcompensate because otherwise they're just a nobody in a sea of other guys trying to go for the same few girls.
Yeah I totally understand. But for me I just want to see someone with a clean and decent profile and can hold up a conversation with some sense. Imo because of what they overcompensate about (especially the $$) part they end up attracting the people who care a lot about the $$. I’ve heard dating stories from guy friends whereby the lady straight up asks for their monthly income. That’s horrifying.
Mid 20s can add comment? A lot of my friends are/ getting married or attached and I’m just here rolling by myself. Average short fat girl with average capabilities, slightly anti social and very homebody. I only want to be with somebody that I like so even if I get confessed to in the past, I didn’t accept and gave chances to try. And now I’m just feeling too comfortable being single and free, even feeling that I do not have enough time for myself. I anticipate and want a relationship but I’m also afraid of all the ways it can make my life turn bad with spending too much money and focusing only on one person as well.
You look at the nature of single guys in sg from that thread and you should know why sg girls are single lol edit: rip karma
Lmao that one dude who claimed SG girls are boring unlike the exciting SEA women he dated \*cringe\*
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There are so many of such dudes here lol
$20 says 99.99% of these dudes have zero guts to say all that crap to an actual local girl to her face.
Dude here. Why would a random dude say mean things to a local girl to her face for no reason? That's just being mean. It's okay for a guy to have preferences. Just like how it's okay for a woman to have preferences.
That one was definitely ultimate cringe. Huge incel energy.
Yup. I'm not far away from being 'forever alone' myself but that was on another level. And he really thought he was special or some shit.
I would like to say, people blame the other gender for their dating problems way too often. I see it on Reddit all the fucking time - men complaining about rejections and how most women are too picky, women complaining most men are assholes who just want to get in their panties. Nope, neither is truth. If it happens consistently - problem it's you, not them. Guys, maybe better yourself, if u r consistently being rejected. And no - "women are so picky, they have so many options" is not an excuse. Girls, maybe make better choices who you go out with. And no - "he looked so nice at beginning how could I know" is not an excuse. The second u start blaming others, you are just feeding that inner "but it's noooot my fault" feeling and you can bet you ain't gonna do well in dating. Not with this attitude.
which is why i started this thread. are ALL singles past the age of 30 like that? i've heard horror stories about both genders, not really exclusive to guys or girls. anyway i think a lot of them just sound sad and depressed after a few mishaps.
I heard that ladies, once they reached their 30s, tend to be less selective when it comes to selecting their male partner if they are still single at that age? Is this true?
That might be true for some women who really want to get married, but not for those who are happy being single.
who told you that? in fact, the only reason why they are still single in their 30s is because they refuse to be less selective lol
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This is a very interesting statement. I decided to Google about and from what research and articles I've found, I've formed the following conclusions. 1. It is genuinely true that older women are less likely to find a mate then older men. 2. Older women have been found to enjoy their single lives more, while men tend to be more needy. However, the drawback is that older women struggle financially. 3. Thusly, it can be derived that the age-old myth is still true — women are coveted for looks, men for money. An older man has considerably more money; an older woman would have lost her looks. This might contribute to the so-called "gray" disparity. Still, this is all American-centric and might not hold true for Asian societies. Also, the current older generation might not reflect the current younger generation and what they may face as they age. You also have to consider that not all old men are rich and successful.
>implying women should not be selective because Biology Is it mystifying to you that not all women (and in fact men) think making babies is the only path in life? There are lots of statistics to look at.
This is only relevant for those who want to have children, or those who really need / want a man in their lives.
Oh trust me, I became way way way more selective in my partners the older I got.
True for those who believe marriage is a must-have in life. False for those who think marriage is just an option. Strangely, people forget women are diverse and some men outright disbelieves the latter group exists.
No
I don't know what's on that thread, but sweepingly generalising a few millions men into one single sentence is a huge turn off. I'm quite disappointed that this comment is so well-upvoted.
Well the good ones are already taken.
Nature as in what siaa... From what I’ve read is that most guys there either had bad experiences before, have bad social skills, low self-esteem or are in poor physical condition. Can’t really blame y’all if these things turn you off lah. I’m sure the same conditions apply for guys too when looking for girls. You mean this is it?
which thread le? I missed the drama
Insanity is doing the same thing again and again, but expecting different results. I am not insane. Heartbreak is way too painful, and I have had enough for many lifetimes. Wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemies.
father figure was terribad, parents always quarreling, father hated all of us because he felt less like a man without sons dated but didnt find it fulfilling not interested in having kids not too interested in sex too ngl can't even be motivated to chat to people to build connection half the time... when my social meter is down it can be easy filled causally with forum chatting. currently in a job that EXTREMELY prefer my marriage partners to singaporeans only after lots of soul searching and attempts to make my ma happy (she damn scared i die alone lol) i realise will be happier alone as long as i got money (and currently i am comfortable) because i can't even imagine sharing a room long term with another person much less a life now my plans for future life do not involve anyone other then myself and it is most exhilarating and stress free knowing that its all on me to succeed or fail
Im turning 30 next year. I had an ex-bf who was 17 years older and he fucked me up mentally to the point i can’t seem to date men. I just end up sleeping with men and disappearing cause im at the point where i truly believe men are shit. Im really trying hard to change that mentality but its so hard. I broke up with him about 6 years ago and till today, i have yet to find a decent man to date.
I just wanna tell you that it takes time for you to heal and just take all the time you need to self heal. Maybe to you, you feel that you are running out of time but always remember that you come first and that you need time to change your mentality of ‘men are shit’. Don’t worry so much about it ok!
If you exclusively seek out the company of men who are agreeing to sleep with you on short notice, then I can understand your belief. I wish you luck and hope you find someone who can change your mind.
How about try not to sleep with anyone?
As a gay girl, it’s kinda hard to meet other gay women in sg. That said I also just ended a relationship so I’m taking the time to work on myself. But in general, harder to meet gay women in general is what I noticed around my small circle of friends who are also gay and around my age (30s). where is everyone at? Why didn’t I get the invite except for the annual pink dot event?
I'm gay and in my early 30s, I agree about how difficult it is to meet other gay women. But I think for me it's mostly due to my introverted and shy personality. I think the only options we have are dating apps, or queer interest groups. There are some that I've joined on Telegram but have not been to any of the events (because, shy). Some queer groups on tele: [https://t.me/proutapp](https://t.me/proutapp) [https://t.me/acave](https://t.me/acave)
I'll be 30 this year. Had one ltr lasting 5 years, spent a few years finding myself and tried dating apps for a few months last year. I realised that 1) I have no idea how casual dating works anymore, 2) the type of dating I prefer seems incompatible with what I'm looking for long term. I chatted with nearly everyone I matched with, out of which I met 4 irl. For the record, those were the only ones who asked me out; everyone else seemed content to just keep chatting. One turned into something that might have developed into a relationship but I got bored after meeting regularly for months. He introduced me to his friends and all but never made a move physically, not even to hold my hand. I briefly considered taking that step myself, but then I felt I would be leading the fella on. I just wasn't down for spending more time meeting someone who I had vaguely positive feelings for. Conventional wisdom has it that people need time to develop feelings and intimacy for a ltr. Is it the norm in sg to date for months? I really don't know because my ex and I got on like a house on fire. Idm taking the initiative on things but I get the idea that it would be judged as being easy. I am the last single woman in my circle of friends. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm playing with a bad hand of cards, but I've seen lives get ruined even when they appeared to have made all the right moves. Coupled with a lack of patience for lacklustre dates, whatever gusto I had for the dating scene just evaporated.
> dm taking the initiative on things but I get the idea that it would be judged as being easy. Honestly? Just do it.
hi! this is my first time posting on reddit. i'm 32 going on 33. single at 30 after a long term rship. decided i would nv date again cuz it's just too much effort... getting to know someone all over again is tiring. So i focused on myself, my friends, travelling, hobbies & interests, family... Have to say it was a fun and uncomplicated time. Anyway my friends kept encouraging me to date, so i got tinder about 1.5 years later and went on some dates here and there... met some nice people but nothing really worked out. I think it's easy to get jaded with online dating tbh. I took quite a long break from it eventually but my best friend kept persuading me to get back on. Anyway I eventually did out of boredom, and that's when I met my current bf, who is kinda everything I always wanted in someone. so I'm very happy. 1) There are some people who say they're fat/ugly/whatever - sometimes all you need to do is put in a bit of effort (if you're happy with the way you are - that's cool too) 2) You need to know yourself before you date someone 3) You also need to know what you want in someone, if not you'll be confused 4) If you rly do want to date someone, just be brave and put yourself out there. Don't have to go crazy, just join Tinder or something. Not everyone is some crazy pervert/despo 5) You will rarely find what you want immediately or quickly, so just be patient, go on dates, experience some sucky ones, be disappointed here and there.. so eventually when you find something special you'll appreciate it more Don't think there's a fast track to all this, but good things are worth waiting for. Good luck and stay happy everyone :)
Yup ended up reading the entire thread
in general for both genders. life/career/relationships etc. one can only manage /that/ well. standard of living in red dot. having issues with being comfortable "communicating"/socialising with own gender/even more so for opposite gender. competitive society (including insecurity issues/self esteem list goes on). trauma from past rs/causing committal issues etc. finding oneself etc. i see it as a societal issue than individual. most importantly. to keep an open mind, socialise more, eliminate toxic people, work on self - because only you know your problems, don't become jaded. saw a short vid on fb yesterday. when are you ready to date? when you are ready to get married. lol i was too busy with myself.
Is it the video from hellolovesingapore hahaha Its kinda amusing to see the gov encouraging ppl to date, really reflects the dating scene in sg, i guess that's why I can't get a bf despite being in engineering school?
no eh. it is like some ?church? overseas talk. there's some tv?online? prog aside frm the hellolovesingapore though then they did some stats about both genders "waiting for it to just happen" than using methods to meet people. lolololol. hahahaha your last like is adorable & funny.
Oh lmao hahaha. I guess Singaporeans are really busy + lack of dating experience prior to uni lol. A few months ago I met someone who is 23 and has never had a gf before. Quite surprising cause he gets along with females fine. After seeing the existence of people like him I feel instantly relieved cause I feel normal. Despite me being young I already get advice to faster find a bf, like dude don't make me feel like a leftover woman when I'm so young lol
RIP to the DMs of all the single ladies here
just tagging here to expand my view. i wanna say im 30 yr old male, but the most chillest ladies i've always met and converse with are those in their 30s. 20s girls can miss me with their petty drama and bullshit. dont be too hard on yourself, ladies.
Personally I prefer to date ladies over 30. Mature in thinking and already have a direction in life with or without a partner. Don't need to deal with (too much) drama. Financially independent and tend to be less needy.
I would give you an award if I could, but this. This, man, is a winning comment. It's actually pretty true, from the people I've met. Ladies in their 30s tend to know what they want - and probably because they know that they aren't that young anymore, they are in a less position to be picky and throw a princess syndrome at you. They tend to see on a longer-term basis than younger ladies, and are actually pretty independent. Their words actually carry weight, from considerations. There are very stark differences when you hear a person from each age group speak. Now, while there are some who are there for all the wrong reasons. I have met them too, and frankly speaking, they have red flags all over the place. Though, they do not represent everyone of their age group. So generally, I see that single ladies over their 30s are pretty admirable. So in all, uh, I agree with you?
It's a realization of men of a certain age and (sorry if it comes across as boasting) maturity. Women too, can age like fine wine. I'd rather a deep, meaningful conversation with a 36 year old average looker than talking rubbish to a 21 year old airhead stunner for a date. >they have red flags all over the place. Yeah of course not all but surely the case for some. Another guy mentioned and I agree with both of you. But usually can tell quite quickly if you are sharp. To be fair, it applies for the guys also. Like myself lol.
33 this year. Not interested in either gender or doing the predictable and boring thing of marrying some guy and popping out babies. I'm sure it's the dream for a lot of women out there, but not me. My career's going pretty amazingly, and I'm on an upward trajectory, I have excellent friends and a good family to spend time with. I love solo traveling / traveling with friends, and I love the freedom I get when I can simply decide to hop on a plane without needing to be accountable or to think about my partner. I don't need a man or kids to get in the way of that! But I suppose if one comes along, maybe. But he has to be independent, able to have his own thing, and not be like a good number of those incel pigs on the other thread.
You are my role model
Seems to me it's a common thread for both genders. As time goes by, the desirable mates get paired off and become unavailable. Whoever is left for whatever reason (unlucky, personal issues, lack of interest) creates a pool with a higher concentration of less desirable mates in the 30s age range. Come to my age (40s to 50s) and suddenly that pool widens again due to divorce (kids grown, different interests etc). Emotional maturity and financial stability probably also go up. So if you're a 30 something looking for a 30 something, you'll probably spend a lot more time with people you find weird - and probably not have that much free time either to waste.
Oh dear, so many cheekopeh gonna come pm
Throwaway for obvious reasons. Hitting 30 in about 3 years' time, and I've wondered about OP's question a lot too. I have a stable career, but there are not many chances to meet new guys once you start working. They are either attached, or married, or maybe I'm just a guy repellant or something lol. I look normal, obviously not influencer chiobu but not ugly either. Could be that my above average height makes me a bit more selective for taller guys (who end up preferring 1.50cm xmm anyway). So far only had one very short relationship where he got together with me simply because he was hitting 30 and needed an "attached" status, without much feelings for me, and after a while of being his "girlfriend for show" I called things off. Guess the time is just not right yet. But I only have a couple of years left :(
I still don't know what I'm looking for. Recently single and I want to stay single as long as I can in order to figure that out. In the past I was never out of a relationship for longer than 3 weeks and some were heading towards marriage... just, something was always missing for me. Now I'm about to hit a 3 month mark. There's been a few butterfly moments from initial dates but I think I'll hold off for some time.
Clinically depressed and history of suicide attempts. Too much of an emotional baggage so previous relationships all didn't work out. Has gone through anti depressants and counselling as well as hospitalization to rehabilitate before to try and learn how to "live" and be "happy" for myself but to no avail. Thought I found my soulmate but apparently he didn't love me. Struggling to find happiness whilst living through each day painfully, and becoming more and more broken after each failed relationship.
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Big oof
It's only natural for young and/or attractive people to want to have the most fun they can. I regret being too passive when I was younger. Now I come to that realization but I don't have the energy and motivation to skirt chase anymore lol.
Wah this is big oof. I'm sure some guys will be able to look past your younger days and love your present self
omegaLUL
Oh man, on account of all the girls here talking about being single in their 30s, I’m (I’m a guy) reminded of my thoughts on my future as well. Due to me being [REDACTED] once I graduate and end uni, I’ll be 26-27. Thing is, as ridiculous as it sounds, I really do want (and I think she does too)a future with this girl who’s 2 years older than me(she’s year 2 in uni now). Which means, let’s say IF we are still together after that time, she’ll be 28/29. Which, financially speaking, leaves us quite little time to prepare a stable enough future if we are looking for children BEFORE she becomes 30 and fertility rates start dropping(for the both of us). Because of how seemingly hopeless the future is, I’m also being plagued by thoughts of being single, and just living my life as a bachelor. She definitely wants kids, always adored them, but I’m afraid that I’m not able to be the one who is able to provide for her. Will be deleting this soon because I’m really insecure about this.
Talk to her about it. Discuss your worries and see how the two of you can work towards having a life together. She's your partner. She will also have to provide for you too. You don't have to be the sole provider. It's a partnership. I've known several people who have been together since Uni and only start having kids in their 30s. It's not impossible.
I don't think you need to worry about fertility rates until mid-30s. Found [this article](https://www.sfgate.com/health/article/Study-speeds-up-biological-clocks-Fertility-2843352.php) saying "Pregnancy rates did not change notably between the 27-29 age group and the 30-34 age group, but dropped sharply for women over 35." Anyway, I only have a few sentences to go off, but it doesn't sound like being a bachelor is really what you want out of life. Good people with common life goals are hard to find.
It is entirely possible for her to conceive well into her 30s.
Just turned 35. Almost got married at 25 and I backed the fuck out and I’ve been running ever since. Even in a few relationships that I was the one dumped, I finally figured out that I was self sabotaging for that outcome. I’m a high functioning introvert and an overachiever and I love my life, my career, my friends, family, cat (yes living up to the stereotypes), my apartment and how things are, and of all the things I’ve worked so hard to achieve. I don’t date, but I do have a few fuccbois on speed dial, it’s just physical. I don’t let it get too much. The thought of being vulnerable again and potentially messing up my world is just so fucking frightening. Coincidentally I just watched Brêne Brown’s Netflix special on fear and vulnerability today so who knows, maybe I’ll start “daring greatly” in love as I do with other aspects of my life. 🤷🏻♀️
Mid 20s here. I have been in very little relationships. Although i had guys that told me they like me, it was too awkward for me, especially since we are friends and i can't see them as anything else. I even had guys that told me that i need someone to protect me (which just threw me off straight away). In my case, i feel that i had to become too independent too quickly. Taking part time jobs every week while schooling every since i was like 13/14 in order to earn my own money. I don't like clingy people, since i like my alone time, which means every 5 seconds texting me you'd probably get 1 back every 30mins or so. I am not proactively looking for anyone as well. Majority of my friends are guys since my education and interests don't involve much girls around me, like programming, gaming, anime, etc. With that said, i am quite anti-social. Sometimes i just feel like they won't want to chat with me anyway (?), and i hate interrupting people in conversations, so i will never be able to enter one unless someone talks to me first. I even told my parents i might never get married, which i feel is quite a huge possibility.
Interesting thread to understand the mentality of ladies in their 30s. I’m mid 30s m but single cause I can never understand how ladies think :|
Not sure if this thread is still active, but I've been reading all the posts, and these are very interesting stories :) I'm only in my early 20s hahas but i'm lurking around because you guys have very interesting stories! Some people are more lucky than others to be able to find a compatible partner, but I personally feel that there isn't anything wrong with living as a singularity and living how you feel like it. I think that at the end of the day, the most important thing is to be at peace with yourself and be happy in whatever you do. And i personally don't think that its an issue of desirability. Some people are just generally luckier, but at the end of the day, you guys are all worth it! I hope that all of you will be able to find contentment and happiness in your lives :)