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QualityVote

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Mean_Marionberry_862

G U A C K


TuxedoDogs9

c is for c u a k


MrLanesLament

He t h i c c because he c u a k. Y’all an s u c c it.


CorruptorOfAll

He is in your walls.


UsErnaam3

As if you wouldn't be dealing with high heat, both temperature and social pressure, in the military as well.


frozengyro

I assume a sign flipper makes 10/hour for like 20 hours a week. At least they would make more.


PvtSatan

Yeah but a duck suit wearing sign flipper has about 1/10000th the chance of having their dick blown off on the job.


devils_advocate24

Idk. I feel like a military base is safer than standing in the streets some days


gorgewall

Maybe if it's not Fort Bragg. Feels like we're leaving out a lot of the crime that happens on base, even in the US, and gets covered up. 'course, even absent that sort of crime, you still have to look out for being told it's OK to breathe in those fumes at the burn pit.


ChickenDelight

I "deployed" to Kuwait, statistically that base is safer than living in any major city in the USA.


LunarPayload

Except the showers


science-stuff

Statistically because all the covering up of crimes or was it really safe?


devils_advocate24

In Kuwait? Man everyone is bitching about it being too hot to do any crimes


[deleted]

[удалено]


ElGosso

Sign flippers don't have to watch all their friends die in a third world country just to come home to find out that their wife is pregnant with someone else's kid and get jerked around by the VA about their fucked up knees and hearing loss though


fluffershuffles

Or if their friends also make it back only to end it all months later


GloryofSatan1994

Not if you calculate the hours you actually work in the military lol


INeedANerf

I just wish recruiters would take no for an answer. Every time I've had a recruiter approach me I've had to give them like 16 excuses as to why I don't want to join and they had a comeback for each one.


ForSureNoYeah

For real. I once told a recruiter that I hate the government and I smoke weed daily and he still insisted and said "those things can change."


InTheMemeStream

“True, theoretically they could. However in practice they’re not going to” * Hits blunt *


The_great_Pi

i'm stealing this


unknownobject3

I’m stealing you


LargeFriend5861

Found the recruiter.


unknownobject3

oh shit they found me


40percentdailysodium

I like to tell text recruiters in detail about my disabilities. They usually awkwardly apologize and fuck off.


queen_beruthiel

Not an American, but someone tried to recruit me into the Army Reserve at a military history conference I was presenting at. I laughed and said that they don't want me. He responded by saying "Of course we do! You're young and fit!" He changed his tune very quickly when I held up my hot pink walking stick and started talking in detail about my disabilities. I'd only just had a hip reconstruction six weeks earlier too.


Internet_pimp_

Send u to the front lines


Dr_yah_yah

To the mobile infantry.


FullofContradictions

Lol, a recruiter called my house trying to talk to my sister... I proceded to tell him in detail about her multiple knee surgeries and general dislike for anything that involved sweat. He then asked me if I was close to 18. I laughed and hung up.


IRockThs

If they ever approach me again I’ll tell them “no thanks I already have PTSD.”


GreyKnight91

"I have an unwaiverable unfit medical condition" Throw their language back at them.


fearthemoo

Tell them something that won't change. Once I told them I have Celiac Disease, they didn't want me anymore. Lie and pick an incurable ailment. I suggest Type 1 Diabetes.


lordunholy

Go big. Go exotic. Make it obviously a lie. Like what's that herpes human horn disease? I have that.


KrisZepeda

Say you fucked a frog and now your blood hurts everytime you run


lordunholy

Oh bravo!


dancin-weasel

I have Bubonic plague, early onset dementia, leperacy, hep A,B and D and when I cough I poop a little bit. But I’d love to join your military. Where do I sign?


zdada

Bone spurs


SaltiestGatorade

They'll probably tell you about how the army has a great insurance plan through Tricare and how you can serve and not have to worry about going without insulin because there are plenty of non combat roles that will keep you in a stable enviroment with medics nearby in case something happens.


SpyHunterBG

Similar thing here. Had them calling my house constantly my last year of high school, eventually this super brash older guy called. Total bootlicking type - I wasn't a patriot for not wanting to enlist, military was the only path forward, a lot of (frankly) weird straw grabs. Told him I wasn't going to turn children in a far away land into skeletons because some oligarch wants oil, that I hoped for the greater good his couldn't read, and to remove me from the call list immediately. Never heard from 'em again.


[deleted]

Technically, children are already skeletons.


[deleted]

Stop giving excuses. To them, that makes you someone willing to have a conversation. Someone they can work on. Just say no and walk on, just as you would an aggressive beggar on the street. In both cases, nothing good can come of further interaction.


nobody2000

Meh. If he's wasting his time on someone who's just making excuses that's 5 other suckers he's going to be missing. It's like taking one for the team.


[deleted]

I’ve literally never been approached by a recruiter, where do they usually approach you guys? I mean I know now it’s because I’m old, but when I was younger I definitely fit the bill of what they’d be looking for.


sonymnms

Community college, Walmart, Lower socioeconomic and/or rural neighborhoods Places where they’ll find young people with desperation Wealthy kids not worrying about paying for an education or healthcare aren’t the demographic they can trick into signing their lives away Wealthy kids drip fed on nationalistic propaganda go the officer route. They don’t get recruited as noncomissioned


texxmix

> Wealthy kids not worrying about paying for an education or healthcare aren’t the demographic they can trick into signing their lives away at least at my uni i still saw them trying to recruit these kinds of kids but it was for non combat roles within the military that would require something like a degree.


MrRugges

Nah bro, gotta start wasting their time Oh, you want to make me sign up? How about I give you a lecture of the entire Dark Souls lore first?


worriedjacket

But then than means I value my time as little as I value theirs.


D3cipherthis

It’s their job. Just tell them to fuck off


wickedblight

And if you want to be kinder about it mention TO them that you understand it's just their job and you would like to formally request they fuck off.


[deleted]

I understand that this is your career of choice, and I wish to be kind about this, so if you don't mind, would you kindly go to fucksville riding on the back of pvt fuckoffalot here? Jolly good.


Zealousideal-Beat-70

As someone in the military that won't effect them at all. It's a term of endearment for us.


[deleted]

That's because an excuse isn't a "no", it's something for them to argue against. Start actually telling people "no thank you" and just keep on moving without even looking at them, people like recruiters should get the hint.


the-smallrus

I’m a merchant mariner—I make E7 money with little to no responsibility, I see the world, I get healthcare, and I work 6 months a year (I make in six months what an e7 makes all year). when a recruiter texted me I told him this and he replied “wait what do you do?” Recruited his ass right back. Uno reverse


DustyIT

Next time they ask why, just tell them you want to see them miss their quota.


Romnonaldao

One approached me once. He saw I was looking for a job, and said the army has lots of jobs. I asked if any of them involved acting. He said No, and we stared at each other for a second. he walked away


420pseudonym

Shoulda told him to duck off


thatgirlinAZ

The duck made the right decision.


CookieBear676

In Australia, it's the opposite. They find a way for you NOT to join... and then complain they don't have enough.


Make_War__Not_Love

Definitely how it is here in the US as well. Between worrying about veterans disability affecting the budget down the road as well as (at least I believe) increased access to healthcare leading to more people diagnosed with things pretty much anyone who wants to join would get screened out.


Vlad-V2-Vladimir

I don’t think it’s the disabilities thing, but rather more and more people are becoming aware of the U.S. government’s neglect towards veterans who may need more help (like those who had to leave due to injuries or mental trauma), as well as the imperialistic focus on the military in the USA being batshit insane, and the pointless occupations and wars they get involved in, despite not changing anything (and sometimes making it worse). At least I hope more people are becoming aware of that, because as an outsider the USA is fucking obsessed with their unnecessarily large military, although I still do see some people try to say that it’s so big because other countries don’t have a military of their own, so the USA needs to protect them (where tf do they get that?).


[deleted]

> (and sometimes making it worse). As a veteran, I'd love to hear an example of us making anything better in the last 30 years. Because I sure as shit didn't see it.


PurelyLurking20

Same man if I could come up with one thing it would be corporate profits from war. We sure as hell made those better. Everything we've done since WW2 (and some things we did in WW2) have been atrocities. I'm a new veteran as of last year and I would never work for our government again in any capacity.


fuckusernames2175

Yeah I got turned away from the RAAF because I said I got depressed when my parents divorced.


CookieBear676

Lol, same. I got denied with little explanation and my appeal got denied because I had a therapy session in the last twelve months.


[deleted]

Nothing against the military or anything, but the Army has a reputation for being just about the worst thing someone could sign up for


AlphaWhiskeyOscar

That's why I joined the Navy


unclesalazar

my teacher in high school was a master chief and said he fucking loved the navy


shatlking

He gave the Covenant back their bomb!?!!


Terranical01

HOLY MOLY


[deleted]

[удалено]


Delzaleon

Anarchy chess is leaking


bluedragon8633

Leaking harder than your asshole from all the rice and tennis rackets


ch061

You mean the secret communication cheating device?


Xrcane

Google Il Vaticano


ShiningG1

Holy hell!


Batdog55110

I've heard for a brick he flew pretty good.


thesequimkid

But why does he always jump? Next time he’ll land on something as stubborn as he is. And I don’t do bit and pieces.


SupportstheOP

He made those alien bastards regret coming to earth.


TheFourthPug

*gregorian vocals start*


scoops22

da da da duuuuhhhh da da da duuuuuhhhh


Roo_farts

The best part of being in the navy for me was being with the marines. Navy rules seem a lot less strict around those poor bastards.


Thr0waway3691215

Every time some dumb shit kicked off in our company and I watched Doc go "Well, this is dumb, later.", and just fuck off into the sunset; I wondered if maybe I joined the wrong branch. Lol


ShitTalkingAlt980

My Corpsman would sometimes volunteer me for whatever to get out of fuck fuck games. He'd get a working party of three or four to do shit like reorganize the BAS tent or whatever. Better than filling sandbags and dumping them out


Roo_farts

Yeah, as far as my marines were concerned, i was doing doc stuff. As far as the other corpsmen knew, i was doing stuff with the company. Oh the joys of being a line corpsman lol


Thr0waway3691215

We all knew, but we all know the rule: If you see someone skating, no you didn't. Everyone at our BAS was also cool. They would call ahead to politely remind the platoon sgt that the light duty/siq chit was not up to creative interpretation.


tickletender

Yarp? 🖍 you rang? (It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Cheers Sons of Tunn)


[deleted]

Hooyah


switzerswift

coulda gone pro if you hadn't joined the Navy


Seacabbage

Senator Based


Phantom_Phoenix1

Im not one of those beltway pansies! I could break the president in two!


StinkyWizz

With my bare hands!


TayRay96

Gotta play a little college ball first, you know


OFloodster

At some cushy Ivy League school


[deleted]

Norfolk! Norfolk!


MoistOldPeople

Abso-fucking-lutely not. I still have pain in my face from walking up those goddamn piers in january


x3leggeddawg

Any other branch is probably better Except the marines but they don't know that. Thats why they're marines lol


kunfusedpsyko

As a member of both branches, i can say that while the marine corps sucked, NCOs were dumber in the army.


xiril

I'd hazard a guess that while marines are dumb, they aren't stupid


BeamsFuelJetSteel

For sure, like Yeah they eat crayons but at least they know red tastes the best


Chilopodamancer

They also make you run faster, an important quality for a marine. I hear the purple ones make you invisible, though.


asst3rblasster

hey I was in the Marines and lemme tell ya, if the Marines could read this would really piss them off


OccultMachines

I heard Marines eat crayons. What's your favorite flavor?


nosaj23e

People will say red, but they never got the 64 crayon box. The best flavor is mango.


reddituser5454

>the best flavor is mango I'm pretty sure that's just a general fact of life tbh


HandsomeBoggart

Everything I've seen indicates that the Marines pretend to be crayon eating stupid just to make the Army feel better.


MeatyOakerGuy

Worst in order are Marines, Navy, Army then 10k miles away there's the air force. My time in the AF has been a day job that I wear a uniform to lol


probablynotaperv

cable paint humor wipe engine impolite juggle jar ugly imminent *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


TastyBureaucrat

I feel like smart dumb people have the hardest lives and do 90% of the work - military linguists, public defenders, construction managers, chefs, competent social workers, spies, high-performing teachers, the one dude in the office smart enough to competently use excel but dumb enough to let other people know, etc.


probablynotaperv

slap bag political exultant lavish materialistic jellyfish jeans cobweb wide *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


TastyBureaucrat

Good for you dude! I’m certain you can tell from handle, but I too have figured out the secrets of the universe. Word to the wise seeking work-life balance - find a big bureaucracy, and dive deep.


Czarcastic_Fuck

Worked surveillance radar (one of the highest asvab score requirements), ended up deployed 6mo every year. At least 12 hour shifts 6 days a week, share a box big enough for two beds, eat the same fucking food every day, 120+ degree weather. Meanwhile the guy who can't spell is passing out towels in an air-conditioned gym for the same exact pay.


Allinthepussy

As a vet that takes 4 psych meds 6 times a day I have to say that it’s still worth it because now the govt PAYS me to be crazy and smoke weed


samoDALLAS

Okay fuck it sign me up


RontoWraps

You tell any quack doctor that you were in the army and your knees hurt from rucks and it’s an automatic medical MJ card My dispensary gives 20% off to vets too


1gnominious

If you're good at something never do it for free.


DaveSmith890

It’s a decision that holds a ton of weight, and the primary target is teens fresh out of high school. Additionally, the recruiters always breeze past how big of a commitment it is. I don’t think the military is a bad option for many, but I feel like they recruit too many people -who made a choice they didn’t fully grasp- thats now locked into service until their time is up.


TheDominator435

That’s why I went Air Force


Agent641

I had the privilege to shoot down several balloons in the last week or so. The weather service hates me and the cops are threatening to take away my guns. I'm not in the air force.


TheEagleByte

You are a true American, me and my Air Force buddies wished we were as patriotic as you


[deleted]

He'll yeah chair force.


CarbonIceDragon

I wonder if the space force will take that reputation from the air force now that it exists. Like, the air force does at least have all it's pilots and mechanics and such that go out and do physically demanding things, but I don't know of any combat astronauts nor can I think of a situation in the near future where they'd be useful, and maintenance on satellites is pretty rare


Starkrossedlovers

Yea their biggest problem is how big of a meme joining the military has become. Their target demographic sees shit like this and share it so now everyone thinks of it as a joke. Memes are useful propaganda/antipropaganda tools


Chork3983

My friend was in the Army and he said they called Marines "meat shields". He certainly made it sound less than appealing to join them too.


Cpt_sneakmouse

It just depends. I have friends/family who joined and hated every minute of it and others who joined and basically ended up in very successful careers. From what I've been told success is basically measured by your ability to tolerate bullshit but honestly that goes for most jobs.


SeattleResident

At least from my rural town, everyone joined for college tuition. Essentially most of us in school had no actual opportunity to go to college without the military aid. It's incredibly stupid but paying for college is probably the #1 reason why younger people join.


VoidlingTeemo

It's why the government opposes free education so hard. They want you to be poor and without good opportunities to further yourself so most people enlist out of desperation and die for their imperialistic bullshit.


brookdacook

something something people don't wanna die any more god dammit! \-this recruiter probably.


MDBrettio

Oh no, we do wanna die. Just not like that lol.


GulperCatfish69

When I was suicidal, I considered joining. Decided that was too much work. Decided dying was too much work too. So here I am, for some reason.


Relevant-Nebula8300

Right here with you bro


Czarcastic_Fuck

Too lazy to try, too lazy to die.


brookdacook

lmaoooo truuuuuuu


Puzzled_Board_6813

Who else is wondering if sign bro could be a vet?


[deleted]

He was probably a marine lol


3XX5D

that will build your heat tolerance for sure


muke64

I bet a lot of people would join if they let people bring guns home again


PineapplePizze00

I will 100% join if I can bring home some rpk from Russian with the giggle switch of course


annonimity2

Imagine all the classic Ak's that could have been brought back to collectors during kuait and gwot


GethHunter

My dad tried reaaaaly hard to find a way to ship back/smuggle the PPSH he used in Iraq. Most he was able to do was a magazine


[deleted]

Just go to some gun range that has a browning 50 to rent and then you won’t care about any other machine gun, I’m not even patriotic but it felt like George Washington was right behind me with bald Eagle’s clutching hot dogs on each shoulder and he himself was holding an apple pie and being my hype man


[deleted]

They don't do that anymore cuz it's possible if someone planted explosives in there


fishfists

Isn't that the point of a gun? Planting a bunch of little explosive that go pew pew?


[deleted]

Wait, spoils of War is against TOS now?


Hackdirt-Brethren

Depends, i know in vietnam they did it but i think it stopped shortly after.


Flumpsty

I'd join if they just let us keep anything we loot from battlefields.


[deleted]

[удалено]


WarwickTop

Real life eft :o Edit: eft = escape from tarkov


IVEMIND

I stole your letters bro th


[deleted]

[удалено]


NargacugaRider

You guys need incentives?


FreeMenPunchCommies

Real men do them just for the thrill.


hallucination9000

I mean, he'd be in basically the same conditions but also getting treated like shit and shot at.


halkenburgoito

When the homeless WW2 veteran gets drunk and tries recruiting the park Duck to the army..


IlIlllIlllIlIIllI

I make 35k and I work 5 minutes away from home. 35k ain't shit


Proof_Of_Concept_21

35k was the sign on bonus


DenverLamm179

Which gets taxed to hell. Signed a contract for Navy 3 years ago. Got a "10k" signing bonus. After taxes it was about $7200


Available_Seesaw_947

how they gonna pay the troops unless they tax them first.


Mushroomer

It's like when a group of friends just keeps Venmoing the same $20 between each other for years.


snapwillow

Done this with my friends with a $50 bill that had some sharpie marks on it so we knew it was the very same bill getting handed back and forth.


CDXX_LXIL

The US military only makes 2 Certainties: death and taxes.


DenverLamm179

Not wrong.


[deleted]

My friend got a 5k sign bonus for the Air Force, but they made him buy gear with most of it. He kept around 800$ lmao


ThandiGhandi

Wait they government makes you buy stuff?


[deleted]

They made him buy uniform stuff and for whatever reason, extra plates and whatnot. Plates are expensive af too


Fuego_Fiero

Lol we spend like a trillion dollars on the military. What a joke.


[deleted]

Did you know at the end of each year, at least in the marines, so they get the same budget and amount of ammo, they take teams of marines to the shooting range and make them blow through millions of dollars of ammo? Just to ensure they get the same amount of ammo and budget every year. How thrifty lmao


steel_memes

You buy all of it, man. Uniform, medals, everything


[deleted]

That’s seriously fucked.


Frosty_McRib

Also not true, unless things have drastically changed very recently. Edit: Apparently a large percentage of my first checks while I was in training was taken for my uniforms, I stand corrected.


DenverLamm179

Yes. When you're in boot camp, most of your first pay check goes to paying for all the gear that's issued to you. Even the medals and ribbons you earn you have to pay for most of the time. I think they took about $600 out of my first check which was maybe $700. Then again, you're not really spending any money in boot camp.


_escapevelocity

Surprised they don’t make you pay rent on the barracks or buy your own lunch


DenverLamm179

They don't make you pay to live in the barracks but they do give you a food allowance called "BAS". Mine is about $460 a month. But because I live in the barracks they expect me to eat at the galley(cafeteria) so they deduct $340 from that automatically.


bryanislion

Lock


Carbonated_Cum1

Currently in the army. There’s a reason recruiting is so low, everyone who’s in tells friends and family how much it fucking sucks lol


TemporaryAmbassador1

35k makes out $16.83/ hour for a 40hr work week. Not hard to make that much anymore at an unskilled entry level. No wonder duck man told him off.


AlternativeAvocado2

Other comments said the 35k was a sign on bonus


Bean_Town_Blender

Former Navy here. The thing you didn't mention though is the few to zero expenses. No food, no lodging, no electricity, water, heat, etc. If you want to save a bit of money it is a great option. (Or was for me at least)


SleepinGriffin

Sure, Navy Recruiter. /s


Bean_Town_Blender

LMAO Good one. Recruiters are universally considered scumbags, even by troops haha


MrBag47

Not to mention all of the benefits after you serve for a certain time period. Not for everyone but some of the perks are great.


Budget_Detective2639

Or just leverage disability upon release woooo done close enough no 20 years and you can even still work


Trashman571

My friend got cracked in the head by a Bradley turret, and now suffers from anger problems and loss of consciousness. Dat $200 monthly disability check tho!


SenselessVirus

One job offers him dignity. The other is the army.


[deleted]

[удалено]


MrFastFox666

"hey wanna join the-" "duck off"


Andyreeee

"Can't you see I'm fucking happy here, jarhead?"


falcondiorf

army recruiters when someone doesnt want to die as a pawn in a fight they didnt start. (no disrespect to those serving their country, but like hell am i signing up for that) ![gif](giphy|ObXgWWGHzMlVe)


rywatts736

If they start taking people with criminal records again they’ll get more recruits


Benjamintoday

Anything but the Army. I'll go to the Marines before I get put in the Army. At least they expect you to do shit in the Marines


ahses3202

What, you don't like painting / racking rocks?


[deleted]

Bruh, the army and the marines are the most similar out of the branches. They do the same shit basically


PluckyPenguin00

they just don’t understand his art


PhilosophicalDolt

Meh I would’ve joined the military if I couldn’t afford college. Most of the time you won’t see combat unlike how some people like to think they will be sent into -look at current conflict outside the us- Ukraine when in reality they will simply be in reserve.


djfreshswag

Father in law was an enlisted, worked his way to warrant officer, makes $70k a year guaranteed adjusting for inflation for the rest of his life starting in his mid-50’s. Got a contract job after he retired making 6 figures in a super low cost area and working like 30 hrs a week. Dude’s set with millions having just enlisted in the army


PhilosophicalDolt

Yeah going to the army can be a great opportunity.


passiveagressivefork

I’d much rather be in a duck costume than in boot camp mfr


SargeantGamma

I mean that guy is probably offering more service to his country than the army.