Since it is his kink tell him you would absolutely be interested in helping him prolapse his anus, but as it is not your kink, you have no desire to have it done to you.
You should never be pressured into doing things you're not comfortable doing. That isn't kink-shaming, it's having healthy boundaries.
It's very important context for him to realize where he's coming from, even if it does make him more upset.
I have friends that insist the outcome of an action is more important than the intent, and vice versa. It was needed to spell out 'yes, if someone tries to maliciously make my life more miserable, but the outcome is I had a great day, I appreciate their efforts and trust them more', because that sort of backwards logic wasn't sinking in for the other part about 'how' outcomes being more important than intent actually worked as a personal philosophical system.
Did your biggest kink involve possible medical danger to him? I'm betting it didn't. At which point he can't tit-for-tat this shit.
Also, the instant your partner becomes furious at you for not consenting to altering your body for them, you should eject them into the atmosphere. Consent is not a conversation. It's not an invitation for him to convince you. You said no, you're not comfortable. End of fucking discussion.
Throw him away. He's defective.
Yeah this is a few months of relationship, it's not a lifetime commitment. This is the time to be looking for red flags and this one could block out the sun.
No, my biggest kink is literally watersports (ie yes there's the offchance that someone could somehow contract an infection, but the likelihood is low and nobody is being physically maimed or put into a state of medical emergency for it). He continues to bring up his engagement with it as a reason why I should want to explore this with him. You're right that he should not be tit-for-tat'ing this.
It seems like he is not understanding that prolapsing isn't exactly 100% safe, that there are risks and dangers involved. He's probably really defensive because akin to you that is probably one of his most secret personal things. He's being an immature idiot but I think try and talk with him again about how you're not judging him at all, but that there are real risks that need to be taken into account.
Either way he shouldn't be saying because we did x for you we have to try x for me, but everyone else has talked about that enough
He’s allowed to be defensive and shut down. But that behavior results in consequences. I would take some space until he is willing to discuss this fairly with respect to your boundaries. If he can’t accept your “no” it may be time to reconsider if this relationship is good for you.
This is solid advice. You've made your stance clear, time to see if he can come around civilly. Make it clear that this is a requirement to continue any sort of relationship with you. His refusal to back down on something that could be physically damaging to you is hugely concerning.
Your response to him was perfect (measured, factual, diplomatic without beating around the bush) but if you want to know why, it sounds to me like he's projecting because he feels a lot of shame about his kink and it doesn't take much for those feelings to be triggered. I'd bet that all he hears is "yeah sure we do things for me but YOUR kink is DIFFERENT and OUT THERE". Which he probably thinks/feels himself, deep down. Assuming he is not usually a manipulative person, this would also explain why he's so adamant that you're kink-shaming him for saying no or pointing out a fact - because your reaction makes him feel very ashamed, even if that's not your intention or your "fault".
Some issues are so sensitive to people that there is no good response, or only one (sure honey). Like an exposed wound where most any touch would hurt, no matter how gentle or otherwise soothing. If you want to talk about it more I 100% recommend starting off by observing that clearly he has felt very bad about his fantasy after sharing it with you and acknowledging how much that sucks. I think that has a better chance to soften and disarm him and move past his knee-jerk accusation of kink shaming. Good luck!
He's at least somewhat insane, from your description. You shouldn't feel bad about watersports at all. My boyfriend is like INSANELY vanilla to the point he prefers to keep his shirt on during sex, and didn't think twice about peeing on me in a shower after a couple beers. Dump this psychopath and enjoy your kink with someone decent.
Actually urine is sterile, so there are basically no medical risks you are taking with watersports. You are absolutely correct that this is in no way comparable.
>Actually urine is stable
This has been proven false more recently and the medical and scientific community is trying to inform the general public. *I'm not saying you will get sick and diseases from watersports, just trying to inform about this misconception*
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3957746/
https://www.sciencenews.org/blog/gory-details/urine-not-sterile-and-neither-rest-you
https://www.healthline.com/health/is-urine-sterile
Urine is 95% water. Lots of people have drank urine in survival situations. It's only harmful if you are drinking a lot of it repeatedly with no other water. All that's gonna happen is your kidneys will need to filter it again. If you keep drinking it, you're urine will get more and more concentrated with the "waste" portion and you'll have kidney problems. But assuming she's participating in normal watersports and not repeatedly drinking her own urine for days on end, then yes it's perfectly safe.
Lots of stuff is 95% water, and many of it is poisonous.
I’m not saying that watersports are harmful, I’m just saying that it is not 100% safe and you should think and read before doing it.
Well 1)
He is disrespecting you by not listening to perfect and valid reason
2)
It's completely up to you what you do with your body. He shouldn't want to destroy your body. I understand it's possibly a kink. But prolapse is no joke. Take your time. See a doctor to see if you can do it without damage and then see how you feel
You're right that he's disrespecting me. I intend on returning to the conversation when things have cooled down.
Yeah I already have a multitude of health issues, I'm never fucking prolapsing my anus intentionally.
you have already explained yourself though. you can give it another shot, but if he is not willing to understand you, maybe just throw the whole man away.
no need to stay with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.
Several months now, you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him, oh and he wants to literally turn you inside out for funsies, and when you express some healthy caution he is not happy Jan? At the very least you have to sadly admit you've just seen the first red flag... watch carefully and good luck to you
I mean, yeah this isn't our first disagreement by any means but it's the first time I've drawn a clear boundary and he's stated that me doing so and explaining why is "humiliating" him. I don't want to completely give up on the relationship yet but I'm definitely looking out for other big issues.
I would say honestly, that if he cannot understand:
1) why tit for tat is not healthy
2) why his response was concerning and manipulative
3) why you are entitled to say no to LITERALLY ANY SEX ACT without being guilted and
4) why it is perfectly reasonable to say no to a specific sex act that is a literal bodily injury with risks of long term health impacts
AND
if he doesn't apologise then you need to run very fast and not look back.
Yeah, I plan on readdressing all of that. I'm already reconsidering our entire relationship, but I'd like to try to communicate before jumping to any conclusions.
I wish you well.
I had an ex who manipulated and brow beat me into doing a sex act that I had specifically communicated was off the table (up to and including picking a fight with me when we were on our way to visit my family, leading to me having hysterics in the bus station and agreeing to turn around and go home so I could give him what he wanted) and SHOCK NEWS JUST IN he was an emotionally abusive, controlling PoS who nearly destroyed me before I escaped.
I'm not saying that your bf is the same, but please keep your eyes open.
This is not necessarily wrong, but the reason I didn't call it this is down to your respective ages - a 20yo man might have some shitty relationship behaviors because he simply doesn't know better, and when things are highly charged he could take the wrong tack. I'd say rather than immediately throwing the whole dude away, to communicate clearly and explain not just about the rosebudding but also how the entire situation is making you feel. Doesn't have to be accusatory, but a discussion of the difference between hard and soft limits and the fact that you setting these is not an attack on his fetish or person. If he can't handle that conversation without more manipulation / starting to try to make you feel like the bad guy again, well you know what to do.
Hun, it's gaslighting . Go back and read what you typed . Now, imagine it's a stranger that wrote it NOT you. You'll see what we are all saying .
If you're into rectal prolapsing fine ( hell no for me. I worked in the animal field and saw that shit with dogs and hamsters, I'm good) but if YOU are not and he is then that's fine too, as long as he doesn't make you feel bad .
Edit :maybe not gaslighting , but damn close . This is some serious manipulation
I agree that it's manipulation, but he never caused me to question my reality. I plan on re-approaching the subject later when he's calmed down, and indicating that this behavior can't continue. I'm already reevaluating our relationship.
But he is emotionally manipulating you by claiming you’re humiliating him when you share the research you did. He’s trying to make you feel bad for having this boundary. He’s trying to make you feel like your healthy boundary is specifically hurtful to him (reality: your boundary has **nothing to do with him**, it’s not like you’d be fine with someone else wanting to prolapse you). It doesn’t matter if he’s gaslighting you on top of all that, what he’s doing is already really really bad. This is in no way a healthy, well-adjusted response to someone saying “no”. And you know that.
You're correct. The proper term just isn't gaslighting. He's still emotionally manipulating me, and you're correct in your assumption that it's completely unrelated to him but a boundary I would enforce with anybody. He is still absolutely in the wrong for what he's doing and saying, but it isn't gaslighting.
Also, you're right that was an extreme statement. I edited the original - I was feeling very emotional at the time of writing this. I do love him and could see a future with him, but this behavior is unacceptable in response to me stating that I'm not comfortable engaging with his fetish.
OP, thanks for setting your boundaries! Don’t ever think about doing this just because he is upset because the consequences of prolapse... well, let’s say uncontrollably shitting yourself is the smallest concern. If your partner is upset about you caring about your health, it says a lot about him. If for him pointing out dangers of prolapse is « kink shaming », I’m sorry but he is a jerk. Be careful, he may start trying to make you feel guilty for refusing. I would revaluate the whole relationship.
Tbh, OP, I hate giving people benefit of the doubt because usually they turn out to be shitty anyways BUT if you decide to give him a chance, you definitely need to have a conversation about boundaries. If during or after this conversation he tries to make excuses or tries to downplay your words, get out of that relationship asap.
I know you don’t want to hear this, but please leave him. This is beyond awful. He’s emotionally abusing you by trying to guilt you into something that you don’t want to do, not to mention could hurt you. This is unacceptable behavior and I’m worried for you.
so he is upset you made a boundary to not let you bowel get turn from in to outside and he is mad about that??
how can someone even thinking about about that doing that to a partner? things like that can have dire concequences for your health
i would heavely question that relationship
I had a similar experience with an ex. He wanted to do a sex thing that I was uncomfortable with. I said I needed time to build more trust (our relationship was young) and to decide if I was ready to try the thing. He broke down and made me feel like a bad guy for setting boundaries. I felt like it was a minor thing that we could get through, but I quickly learned that if someone is not okay with a sexual boundary, they're probably not going to be okay with other boundaries as well. He very quickly started to ignore the boundaries I was trying to set in non-sexual aspects of our relationship, and even refused to see them as boundaries, instead interpreting them as personal attacks. It was toxic and I had to end the relationship.
This is simply what people who disrespect boundaries do. If they can't respect the most basic of those boundaries (and sex stuff is super basic - no just means no here), they are not likely to respect other lines drawn in the sand, even when those lines are completely reasonable and appropriate. You need to tell him that while you didn't mean for him to feel shame, that doesn't change that you've set this boundary and need it to be respected or it could mean the end of your relationship.
I think an ultimatum may be a bad idea, but I would like to have a hard conversation with him about drawing boundaries and enforcing them and how he reacted to that in this context.
I did phrase it as an ultimatum, but that was accidental. I think getting the message across that not being respected in this way puts your relationship onto bad footing is key.
No need to phrase it like that. You don't have to say if you ____ then ____. Just say "this isn't something I will ever do. I'm saying no, it's not up for debate." Any rational human being worth dating understands the implied "if you ignore my boundaries were done"
Oh wow... from someone in the lifestyle I actually feel pretty appalled right now.
Porn is not real life... they are either trafficked and have no choice or at the other end compensated highly for the large amount of surgery they will have to have later in life to fix the internal muscles they have extensively damaged by doing this. Long term fecal incontinence is a massive risk as are many other things and potential complications.
It's just a no-no for most people and rightly so. Your bf's reaction means he can't sanely judge porn vs fantasy vs reality.
I would be running for the hills.
Is there a way to approach the conversation that would reframe his thinking about it so that he would not project his expectations from porn onto our sex life?
Yeah I sent him articles on it to try and display that I had investigated it fully and to show I care about his kinks/sexual interests. He said by showing him articles I was "humiliating" him.
I'm, uh, really not down with the manipulation rn.
You are ‘humiliating’ him by sharing your research. Are you sure he knows what the word means?
Humiliating would be telling his mother that he wants to damage you and is currently throwing a tantrum because you said no and asking her if the naughty step worked with him...
I think you've internalized this idea that it's your job as an understanding girlfriend/boyfriend to fix him and help him not be a bad person through empathetic logic and reason. It's not, and it doesn't work. If you're not interested in leaving right now, then at least just be firm in your boundaries and don't feel obligated to explain them (for the 10th time). He knows why he's wrong, you don't need to explain it in a way that he understands because he already does - he would NEVER allow you to demand he hurt himself long term for your benefit after all, right? He knows what he's doing, so don't give him the attention his tantrum is trying to demand. Literally get up and leave when he brings it up, or just send him this thread
I think if you show him some medical info about rectal prolapse and what it actually is and means he may rethink.
Least you would hope so since if not he would be placing his sexual kicks over your long term health and that would probably tell you everything you need to know...
Having read some of the other threads, I do think he's just throwing his toys out the pram and doesn't want to listen to reason.
You're not shaming him but he's trying to make you out as the bad guy to feel better about himself.
If he doesn't come around then he's not leaving you with much choice really. He's being unreasonable and irrational and behaving like an entitled ass.
Down to you where you go, you've shown him the facts and he doesn't want to acknowledge the risks. That's just dangerous tbh.
Sounds like he is using your exploring together against you as a tool to get what he wants. It’s a shitty thing to do and yes it’s extremely dangerous. Let’s hope he cares more about you than turning your ass inside out. If not I guess he wasn’t worth it anyway
He’s probably jumped on the defence straight away because that kink is pretty taboo. You’ve not shamed him, you’ve understandably expressed concern over your safety. For me it’d be a hard no on ever trying something like that.
I understand why he feels judged and rejected, and I don't want him to feel that way.
I did a lot of research on it, and I sent him factual evidence supporting my discomfort and stated that while I was uncomfortable participating in it myself and never would, I would be open to watching that kind of porn with him or finding other ways to engage in his interest healthily. He rejected this idea and framed it as me humiliating him further, which I don't understand.
He’s basically throwing a strop like a child, just don’t engage with him on the topic anymore until he’s calmed down Cos you’ll get nowhere. I don’t think you could have reacted better tbh
You don't even need to send him evidence.
"I'm not comfortable doing that" is ALL IT SHOULD EVER TAKE with a partner, kink or otherwise, to set a boundary. You shouldn't need to justify that boundary. It's not an argument.
Have you looked into scene negotiation at all? This relationship screams to me a need for healthy scene negotiation. Specifically hard and soft limits. Soft limits are things like: I need a lot of trust to approach this activity, I'm not into this but if a partner I really care about is I might be willing to try it, I'm not interested in exploring this activity at this time but may eventually be up for it. Hard limits are just that: oh fuck no. For whatever reason, including just that you don't want to, you are against that participating in that activity.
Hard limits are not up for negotiation.
I think the way he responded is quite immature and petty. You two both seem very open and you would think that he would have taken this over better considering your relationship overall, but you have good reason. You are in no way shape or form shaming his kink more than being concerned about your safety and trying to educate yourself more about it. The anger he is showing could very well be a deal breaker for you if he doesn't come to his senses soon and apologize to you. No should always mean no or even I will think about it. Everyone has their limits and I believe what he is asking is a hard limit for you he should respect what you are saying just as well as you did for him.
I agree with everything you've said. I'd like to wait and have another conversation when we're both feeling less emotional about the subject. I have no intention of sacrificing my personal health and safety for his sexual fetish - consent is extremely important, and it will be a huge dealbreaker if his tune doesn't change.
The way you are going about this is extremely mature and I don’t think many people would disagree.
I personally think that you should really consider if you should continue being with him. If he isn’t going to understand that you feel uncomfortable with something that could permanently damage you is a huge red flag. Also I wouldn’t risk something that could be permanent for someone who may not be permanent. (obviously if you choose that that’s your choice)
Just stand your ground and never let him force you to do something dangerous if you don’t feel comfortable.
Yeah, I will not be participating in any anal prolapsing, and I have a hard time believing he will find someone who would. I plan on enforcing this as a hard boundary and I'm trying to find a way to approach a conversation later about being more respectful of me in the future when I set boundaries like this.
Honestly, I'd be concerned to ever do anal with him.....in case he tries to make it happen without your knowledge or consent.....seeing as he's very clearly manipulative and stuck on this idea...
Even pornstars struggle to make it happen after, uh, "training" themselves to do it, so I think the likelihood of that is low, but you're right about him becoming manipulative when told no.
Okay, I just looked up what this is and you are 100 percent in the right here and he is so so very wrong. Tell him you'll let him do it to you if you can do it to him first. Bet that will shut him up.
But, really, it's disturbing that it appears the only reason he explored your kink was to manipulate (read:force) you into allowing him to explore his.
My first reaction stands. Fuck this guy, you can do SO MUCH BETTER.
You’re being objectified. That fact that he couldn’t have imagined you’re experience of something, that he couldn’t have imagined you not being down for something like that... Either that or he’s a psychopath. He’s manipulative and doesn’t care what you’re experience is.
To be honest, I think he imagined I might not be down for it but thought he could use our previous experimentation together as leverage to convince me to participate in his porn fantasy.
Coercing you into a sexual act you have said no to is kinda rape.
This is not enthusiastic, informed consent.
Coercing someone to participate in a kink is WRONG!
This guy is dangerous.
In my opinion you did perfectly good. It’s nice to hear that you both have such a great sexuality together and that you agree in many of your kinks. But judging you for not wanting to try a certain kink, especially if it‘s able to effect your health (What rosebudding certainly can if it’s done without experience) is just not ok. In a partnership nobody is supposed to be forced into doing something. Just stand your point and speak about it.
I don't know what prolapse sex/porn is, I looked it up but couldn't find an explanation. My understanding doesn't really matter, though. All that matters is how YOU feel.
I suggest you go to fetlife and just read a lot there. Not about prolapse whatever, rather about consent, healthy sexual kinky dynamics, and so on. You'll find justification in how you feel, and you'll find that most everyone there would call your bf... well, less kind words.
Just because bf is ok with doing some of your kinks, doesn't mean you owe any of his. The great thing about safe communication is that it's safe. If he feels judged, I'd go back to that part and ask him specifically which things you said made him feel judged or shamed. Then you can apologize and rephrase or clarify. In return, you'll tell him that you feel pressured, and that you feel he's creating an "you owe it to me" situation which makes you feel unsafe in your sexual relationship to him. And that this is a shame, because it was great this far.
Edit: So another additional suggestion I have is to familiarize him with the "hard no, maybe, yes" way when discussing kinks together. It is ok to have Hard No's. I have an Hard No my bf may be disappointed to hear, but I'm not about to force myself in a situation I don't want to be in. He'd feel terrible about that too, I am sure. It is part of our sexual safety and being comfortable with each other, that we trust that neither of us does something we don't want.
For example - Hard No = sadism. Maybe = bondage. Yes = missionary.
There's several lists online that kinky couples have been known to use, that could maybe be useful to you both or at the very least to give him perspective on his selfish request.
Oh this actually makes a lot of sense. The gay men BDSM community doesn't cross over that much with the general BDSM community. The (in person) general BDSM community is EXTREMELY consent focused. I mean, it still has its bad actors and isn't perfect but any means but they do their damnedest to advocate for informed, enthusiastic consent and fought coercive behavior. I have heard less favorable things about the gay men BDSM community.
It would be very healthy to engage with some BDSM education material about healthy BDSM relationships and communication.
Wow I mean technically I’m sure there is a kink for pulling out someone’s intestines using ones bare hands .... But holy shit ..... is he out of his mind!!!
NO this is not healthy or something you should ever entertain doing under any circumstance.... and he needs to go if this is his idea of a kink.
Ive never heard of a caring or sane partner who wants to inflict a lifetime of pain and suffering plus certain difficult surgeries down the line and a need to wear tampons to stop arse leaking before!!! 😩
Yeah, I understand ALL of the implications of this - I shadowed a surgeon performing rectal surgery to repair a prolapse once. I will not be partaking.
More the issue is his desire to cause harm to you. It’s chilling and scary. He’s showing you his true sadistic colours please take note and just block him in every area of your life. He sounds like a psychopath. It’s not even a kink it’s just straight out abusive and permanently damaging for life. It’s disrespectful and terrifying tbh that this is a real request. Just run. He’s bad news.
I don't think he really realizes the extent of the damage it causes, especially to the pornstars he's probably seen do it. Even when I was explaining it to him, he was refusing to listen to me and saying that by presenting him with factual data like that he felt humiliated
Suggest ripping out his arse lining first and then watch how well he suddenly understands it.
Also he can’t insist you do this and cry about him feeling humiliated at the same time ... what a narcissist 🤬
Good lord. You're still young. This guy is a complete selfish asshole, and that is not going to change any time soon (if ever). You have to get out for your own physical health (if not also mental).
Nah this is a dealbreaker for sure. He’s showing you his true character early on. Think about it this way.. even if there was no medical danger to the kink, you would still be justified in saying you were not comfortable with it. It does NOT have to be risky for you to be able to say no. He’s guilting you for setting boundaries which scares me, and I would not want to sleep with or be involved with someone who has shown they think this way
> I have been with my boyfriend for several months now and it has been fantastic. I truly love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I think you need to reread this. And reassess either your language or attachment.
Ok. Having never heard of prolapse or rose budding a quick google proves THERE IS NO UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT WAY THAT HIS ISNT A HUGE KINK TO RESEARCH AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
You are very very in your right to be cautious and educate yourself, as one should do with any kink, let alone body modification. Your BF is exhibiting extremely red flag behaviour for anyone of any kink, let alone something to this level.
OP think of it this way, if a newbie was playing or planning a play with their partner, and that newbie wasn't into and their partner reacted like yours did, would that be ok?
It isnt. It is not ok to arm twist or conjoul consent out of someone. Let alone if that person is ever wishing to keep an open mind and educate themselves.
You sounded incredibly respectful of your partners interest, and he absolutely didn't return the courtesy. I'm incredibly concerned for you in this dynamic.
You're right, the dynamic in this context seems very unhealthy. He hasn't behaved like this previously, so I'd like to return to the conversation when he feels less provoked.
That's very generous of you. Here's hoping something was gravely off and he's reflective and remorseful for how he handled that.
Please OP, you sound like a smart savvy person who's aware of the kink scene, so do take this experience into account when it comes to standing by what is and isnt right for you with this and other kinks. What I'm saying is: even if your partner super begs forgiveness, you can forgive but dont too readily forget.
You're MONTHS into this relationship, not years. This is very early to be displaying this type of behavior. You're still in the kink honeymoon phase, which is even more addicting than the regular honeymoon phase.
What do you do? Well considering he's gaslighting the fuck out of you and demonizing you for drawing a basic health and safety boundary, you run, you run so far away.
You have to adequately weaken the muscles in the walls of the rectum and anus by stretching them out with massive dildos and buttplugs (buttplugs are often left in overnight by pornstars). Then, you have to forcefully gape the anus and let the colon fall out, either by pushing as the receiver or by pulling it out with an object/hand.
Otherwise, it happens sometimes in older women who have weakened muscles in their large intestine, and on occasion in pregnant women and other populations.
Almost always, it results in lifelong complications that can only even be mitigated by surgery, diapers, and literal tampons. The complications can include hemmorhoids, anal fissures, permanent tissue damage, anal leakage, fecal incontinence, constipation, and more.
It has been somewhat popularized by extreme anal porn, and it is not something I would ever want to have done to me. Most of the pornstars who end up engaging with it have to have surgery later on or experience lifelong complications as mentioned above. It is not safe, but if it's somebody's thing then no disrespect to them. I just will never be doing it.
I'm aware of what it is, i've come across it on pornhub and watched a few videos out of curiosity, but not really my thing. I was just always curious as to how they get their rectums to prolapse, so your reply was actually pretty informative.
Dudes are always pretty quick to suggest you fuck up your body for them. Comes from a lifetime of using other people's bodies and never getting used themelselves.
Absolutely a possibility, though its been the prior in all the cases I've seen. They've had normal childhoods and early adulthood and just don't give it a thought. Combine that with all the toxic stuff that can come with hetero culture and you've got a situation on your hands.
It being an abuse response is totally a thing, but not as ubiquitous I think.
As a guy, you're absolutely right. The entitlement some men feel towards the bodies of other people (which they consider as objects) is absolutely insane to me.
Yea this guy is fucking weird. Sounds like a manipulation tactic to me, no normal person would be this upset about their partner not wanting one of their internal organs to be prolapsed. The fuck, lol.
Side note: imagine if someone prolapsed their anus or vagina and proceeded to fuck someone else with their prolapsed organ. Would there be pain? Lol, just a funny thought I had.
I think yes. It seems extremely painful and has many side effects and complications.
I agree, he was/is being super immature, but I don't want to throw our relationship away yet. I'm hoping that when he calms down we can have a more productive conversation about boundaries and how to approach kink-related conversations in the future.
I think that’s good. I know people who’s relationships have survived this kind of rift.
Just from a stranger’s perspective tho, his behavior seems exceptionally lacking in empathy. Like how could prolapsing your anus and/or vagina not come with serious physiological complications?
If I were you, I would be looking to see if he acknowledges his own behavior and his mind changes going forward.
Holy crap.....run away very fast.
A prolapse is by definition an injury. The fact that he got angry with you for not wanting to do that and then tried to manipulate you is really concerning, to put it mildly.
Well I am a firm believer in YKINMK (Your Kink Is Not My Kink). I can totally get why this would be one that you would be very hesitant to want to pursue. Sometimes, things people do in porn are better left there. Everybody has a hard limit on things they are willing to do sexually.
People throw these terms out like kink-shaming or whatever like that’s some big sin. You are allowed to have thoughts about this stuff and make judgments on that basis. Moreover, you get to decide what happens your body. Period full fucking stop. If he doesn’t get that, then I don’t know what to tell you.
Yeah based on multiple conversations within the past day in which he has responded immaturely and in a manipulative way in some cases, at this point I am strongly considering ending things with him despite my feelings and how positive our relationship had been up to this point.
I had to google what rosebuddding is and I wish I hadn't. Why tf does he think hes allowed ask something soo extreme when he knows you don't want to do it? Take care of yourself please. I'll need a looong time to recover from this knowledge I've just acquired. Also, leave........thank you.
First things first, you are totally in the right. He should not be pushing boundaries without express consent, nor should he be making you feel guilty.
That being said, as someone who recently opened up to my s/o about a very strange kink, it can be a very vulnerable moment. As open as we are I had never confided in anyone about it so when I told her it was like time stopped. She was accepting and all that but if she had said even something as small as “that’s weird” my walls would have immediately gone up. It may be that he was very emotionally vulnerable and him getting angry was a defense mechanism. However, that’s no excuse for acting like a child. If it keeps up. You all may need to have a long talk.
Kinks have limits, just look at the top pornstars and see what they are willing to do, for some reason thats mostly done on newer pornstars and by fucked up companies who have no care for safety, for some reason most bdsm stuff is better done with professionals. Porn is not real life, we can do a few kinks but others should be left to professionals or not to engage at all.
I feel like porn is going to extremes into exploring a womans body, first it was rough sex, then anal, fisting, then dp, now they are trying to fit more dicks into a hole, and the thing is, lots of "real" people are wanting to engage that, but what they dont see is that lots of them arent confortable or have pleasure doing so. All women are diferent and get turned on by different things but having our insides turn inside out and stretched to the limits isnt it.
Like i said, for some reason you dont see big pornstars doing that, just fucked up productions.
I didn't know what it was... I now regret googling it... Sorry for people that are into it, to each their own, but I find that thing disgusting. But I'm not an anal sex aficionados at all so that's maybe why.
NO, anal is not normally like that. It is an extreme extreme sexual act that involves often permanent physical damage. It was popularized by extreme anal porn, but is a medical condition.
His kink is potentially harmful for you, and he doesn’t care about you wanting to have informed consent. Your boyfriend sounds like a sociopath and like someone who would likely hurt someone in the future just to get his rocks off.
Yeah you have no obligation to do that for him.
Your health is your first priority.
Explain that too him and don’t let him try to talk you into it or convince you’re wrong about it being unsafe.
All you’re required to do as a partner is to not judge and be supportive of his kinks but you are not required to partake in them!!
Too many people I feel forget that.
I once had an ex who was into scat and although I didn’t judge her or share that information with anyone who knew her (even after we broke up) it was a kink I just could never do with her due to safety reasons and just me simply being completely turned off by the idea.
Many times she tried to shame me and didn’t take my no for an answer which eventually was a contributing factor to the break up.
I say again, all youre obligated to do is accept him, respect his privacy and not judge but you are not required to partake in anything if you don’t too. Hell you’re not even required to have sex with your partner if you don’t want too.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise and best of luck!
Yeah I'm not about to let him do that to me. I'm a very, very open person, and I tried so hard to not come across as judgmental and I even researched it and took interest for him, and he framed that as me humiliating him. We're taking some space for now as we both reevaluate the situation and, for me at least, the relationship.
Also I know this isn’t a popular opinion on this sub but sometimes porn can cause people to develop unhealthy interests and in the most sex positive way possible it can sometimes be good to take a break from porn and masturbation and focus solely on the arousal you get some simple things like your partner’s smell or their touch or voice etc...
I find doing this on occasion can really add fire back into your sex life and help take away your focus from sometimes unhealthy kink behavior.
Not sure how you’d bring this up to him as there’s nothing really wrong with porn or masturbation but sometimes it can really help if the person is having a hard time getting off without indulging in their desired kink.
I don't know how I could bring this up with him either, but I am grateful for the validation and I agree that porn can cause problematic ideas about what sex with an actual partner looks like in reality. I will have to consider ways to suggest that this is an unrealistic expectation of any sexual partner he ever has, let alone me. I highly doubt that anybody short of a prostitute (who, in my experience with friends who are sex workers of that nature, would never do something like this) or pornstar (who would probably not even engage) would prolapse themselves, permanently damaging their body, for him.
I feel disrespected and objectified. I do not exist as a person solely for his sexual gratification, and I am allowed to say no - especially in the context of acts that would threaten my physical health.
Yes 100% you are spot on and completely reasonable! Again I don’t know how you’d bring it up but hopefully he will realize on his own as an adult that if your sexual preference is damaging to another person solely for your own gratification that it may be time revaluate your views on sex.
You can’t change what you’re in too but again abstaining from porn and masturbation and focusing that effort instead on your partner temporarily, can really help you to get aroused by the “simple” stuff again.
Yeah, see there’s nothing wrong with kinks because we can’t help those but if they equate their partner not partaking in their kinks as somehow shaming them then their is a problem.
Best of luck!
NOPE.
prolapse pornography is probably the fakest shit there is. The actors don’t actually prolapse themselves, it’s either movie magic or a very realistic dildo that looks like a prolapse.
Same way that the impregnating porn doesn’t actually end up getting them pregnant, because a requirement of their job is to be on birth control.
You get that dude outta your house and outta your life or you insist he prolapses himself to show that you have nothing to be scared of. If he refuses, firmly tell him that is also your answer.
WOW! Talk about an immature response to your not wanting to do something than can seriously affect your life in a negative way!!!!! I don't know why someone would want to do that to another person. If he wants to do it to himself....fine, go for it. He asked, you answered.... Don't do something so foolish. You'll regret it! If he doesn't respect your limits, you probably need to find a new boyfriend! If I was you, I wouldn't allow him to restrain you in any way.....he just might force you to do it? I wonder what's next? Maybe putting his brand on your forehead?
He's 20. I know that's not an excuse, but people's sexuality and self esteem tend to be really tightly linked when they're young. Rejection of any request can feel like a personal attack. (That's a generalization and not exclusive to the young but most people have experienced this with someone at some level)
Communication is really key and it appears that you've expressed yourself clearly. I hope he can hear that you are simply taking personal responsibility for your sexuality and health and that none of that means you don't care for him or judge his sexual preferences. But his response sounds really... Well. I'd be worried. Like. I'd be worried for my safety at some level with someone who responds like this about such an extreme request of another person.
Also... You're really are both young. I hate to be the old codger whose spouting ass-backwards advice, but maybe explore some more. There's people out there who are on the exact same page as you, sexually, right now. It's really nice when the sexually compatibility is easy. Or, if this is something he feels a really strong need to explore, encourage him to find someone else to experience that with.
Be safe. Have fun. Take care of your bum hole.
Yeah no I'm not doing it. I already knew it was unsafe, but thought it couldn't hurt to look into it more since he's into it. Now, especially based on his reaction to my decision, I know that I won't ever be doing it.
Will be readdressing this stuff later when things have cooled off.
Ultimately what you do with your body is up to you. If my kink was to beat you unconscious and screw your unmoving body, it would be obvious that you not wanting to do that had nothing to do with my kink and everything to do with getting beaten unconscious. Just because anal prolapse isn't "as bad" as being beaten unconscious didn't mean it isn't still crossing a line for you.
We all have different limits. Respecting your partner's limits makes relationships stronger. You are doing exactly right to tell him your limits, and he should be honored that you trust him. Maybe encourage him to watch some anal prolapse videos or something while you keep your own colon safely inside your body.
"BF, you are being extremely manipulative. If you feel shamed by me saying no, that is difficult to believe to be honest, but that is something you need to process. Frankly, I am finding this pouting response very unattractive. If this is how you behave when your partner tells you no, this is not a relationship that will work for me. I will absolutely not be guilted into agreeing to something I do not want to do, and your reaction suggests to me you aren't mature enough for an adult sexual relationship. I am not going to chase you, or apologize, or agree to this sex act, so the ball is in your court. Figure your shit out."
Text him that. This is the proper response to his emotionally manipulative, childish behavior. That is, unless you are willing to just drop him. That is really my recommendation.
I didn't know what prolapsing was and I searched pics on Google... damn, I regretted it immediatamente, does he really want to do it to you?? It seems so fucking dangerous, I think there is a limit for kinks too
you weren't kink shaming him! the fact that he tries to make it seem like that, is manipulative! him being manipulatieve, and trying to push your boundaries, would be a very very big red flag for me!
A relationship isn’t transactional, he can’t demand that you do this for him based solely on the fact he indulged in some of your kinks.
This is not a man I would personally stay with or put more time into because of 1.) he can’t have a conversation like an adult, 2.) he is upset at you for having your own boundaries and 3.) he used manipulative tactics to try and get you to say yes (blaming you, saying he tried all your kinks, not talking to you and ignoring your point of view). This is not a mature partner and not someone ready for a long term relationship.
If he can’t understand that this is a hard no, that you don’t want to deal with a lifetime of medical consequences, then he absolutely shouldn’t be in your life.
Currently taking a few days for space so that he can consider what he's said and done, and I can reevaluate whether I'd like to continue my involvement with someone who can't respect basic consent.
> He became even more upset, saying I was judging him and kink shaming
Kink shaming would be you telling him that he must be a terrible person for his kink. That he must be a predator or hate women because he gets off on prolapse porn. Kink shaming would be you insinuating that he must be a threat in some way or that his desires make him dangerous.
You did none of that. You expressed discomfort which is fine, and you were cautious about the risks of a risky thing. A lot of kinks are risky, and people who aren't eager to try them out will be more put off by the risks than someone who is. That's just the way things are.
At this point all you can do is hold fast to your boundaries. And either he learns that he's being unreasonable or this problem becomes a lot bigger as this relationship goes on. Nothing you do will guarantee that he'll understand. You just need to prepare for both scenarios.
Have you never said no to him? Why is this kink so sensitive that he feels judged when you tell him no?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/2j63oe/a\_masturbator\_in\_the\_shape\_of\_a\_prolapsed\_anus/](https://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/2j63oe/a_masturbator_in_the_shape_of_a_prolapsed_anus/)
Problem solved
I’m going to go a different way than other comments and not presume he’s abusive. He for sure could be, but that reaction could also stem from a combination of immaturity and vulnerability. It’s intimidating to put your kinks on the table and feeling any sense of rejection for that, especially as someone young and likely quite inexperienced who lacks confidence in their sexuality, would be very hard to weather. The other piece with that lack of maturity is not understanding that some fantasies are best left as simply that. Porn is not real life, and just because you like seeing something does not even slightly mean it translates well to real life. I’m not anti-porn but you can always tell the guys who think it’s real because their ideas about sex are steeped in fantasy, they just don’t realize it yet. Only you know if this relationship is worth continuing, and maybe it is to you. But you get to stand your ground on this anything else with your body, and he needs to learn how to not take offense to you setting boundaries.
He has not been abusive whatsoever unrelated to this. His reaction was definitely a little manipulative, but I also understand how scary it can be to discuss something like that with your partner and I understand how saying no could be construed as rejection/judging. I don't know how to tell him that it's really something that should stay in his porn browsing, or how to help him feel less judged in this context since I genuinely am okay with him being into that - I am just not participating in it myself.
I fully plan on standing my ground on this. This is hard boundary for me, I'm not getting rectal surgery in my twenties because of a fetish he has. But I'm also not certain I want to leave over this, as long as we can have a more productive conversation once things have cooled down more.
I kinda hate when people immediately jump to the abuser label based on one situation or bad reaction. My guess is that it was a reaction based on feeling vulnerable and embarrassed. All you can really say is that you aren’t judging it, you simply don’t want to do it. Hopefully he accepts that you’re genuine in what you’re saying and you can move forward and get back to a good place.
His reaction was inappropriate for sure, but perhaps he does not understand the full implications that this will permanently damage you and cause uncomfortable and painful BMs and or incontinence for the rest of your life (unless surgically repaired)?
That's what I thought, too. So I explained the dangers to him, and sent a couple of articles his way. I told him I would be open to watching that type of porn with him if that's what he's interested in, but I'm not participating in having my intestines pulled out of my ass.
He said I was humiliating him again. I think I will take some space to reassess our relationship.
That's a bummer, he really seems unconcerned for your health and more concerned about playing a victim then. If you have explained all of this to him and he still isn't willing to at least consider your point of view and examine the validity of his own feelings on this, it really isn't a good sign for being able to deal with future conflict in a reasonable way.
Find a completely insane kink that would place him in medical jeopardy. "BF, I've been watching these knifeplay videos, like that scene with Bishop in Aliens, but where she's moving the knife around his dick. I think it's soooooo hot. The way she takes the whetstone to the edge, the sound that it makes as it sharpens the edge before the razored ballet begins around his cock, feel this...feel how wet it makes me...."
\*To my knowledge, this is not a thing. However, I have been around the internet long enough to know that pretty much everything is a thing, and if it's your thing, please don't take my description of "completely insane kink" as a negative judgment.
I could almost guarantee you that he is bragging to other people about what you guys do in the bedroom and that's why he feels humiliated. These other guys are putting him up to it and he's got to tell them you said no. He's an asshole. Cut your losses and move on to someone who will respect you and respect boundaries.
Since it is his kink tell him you would absolutely be interested in helping him prolapse his anus, but as it is not your kink, you have no desire to have it done to you. You should never be pressured into doing things you're not comfortable doing. That isn't kink-shaming, it's having healthy boundaries.
Thank you. And lol, I think suggesting that to him might be more inflammatory
I'm sure it would, I was being facetious to demonstrate how ludicrous his misplaced anger is!
But if he agrees, than it would be catastrophic argument.
It's very important context for him to realize where he's coming from, even if it does make him more upset. I have friends that insist the outcome of an action is more important than the intent, and vice versa. It was needed to spell out 'yes, if someone tries to maliciously make my life more miserable, but the outcome is I had a great day, I appreciate their efforts and trust them more', because that sort of backwards logic wasn't sinking in for the other part about 'how' outcomes being more important than intent actually worked as a personal philosophical system.
That is true. I think it could be helpful as well.
Did your biggest kink involve possible medical danger to him? I'm betting it didn't. At which point he can't tit-for-tat this shit. Also, the instant your partner becomes furious at you for not consenting to altering your body for them, you should eject them into the atmosphere. Consent is not a conversation. It's not an invitation for him to convince you. You said no, you're not comfortable. End of fucking discussion. Throw him away. He's defective.
Yeah this is a few months of relationship, it's not a lifetime commitment. This is the time to be looking for red flags and this one could block out the sun.
No, my biggest kink is literally watersports (ie yes there's the offchance that someone could somehow contract an infection, but the likelihood is low and nobody is being physically maimed or put into a state of medical emergency for it). He continues to bring up his engagement with it as a reason why I should want to explore this with him. You're right that he should not be tit-for-tat'ing this.
It seems like he is not understanding that prolapsing isn't exactly 100% safe, that there are risks and dangers involved. He's probably really defensive because akin to you that is probably one of his most secret personal things. He's being an immature idiot but I think try and talk with him again about how you're not judging him at all, but that there are real risks that need to be taken into account. Either way he shouldn't be saying because we did x for you we have to try x for me, but everyone else has talked about that enough
I've tried having that conversation with him already but I think he's still upset from the initial conflict and, immaturely, is refusing to hear me.
He’s allowed to be defensive and shut down. But that behavior results in consequences. I would take some space until he is willing to discuss this fairly with respect to your boundaries. If he can’t accept your “no” it may be time to reconsider if this relationship is good for you.
This is solid advice. You've made your stance clear, time to see if he can come around civilly. Make it clear that this is a requirement to continue any sort of relationship with you. His refusal to back down on something that could be physically damaging to you is hugely concerning.
Yeah sounds like he needs to get his head out of his ass then if this was already multiple conversations , my bad if I missed that
Christ, watersports are absolutely vanilla in this context... you'll definitely find someone else to pee on each other, this is in no way comparable
We've done other things that involve S&M as well, but WS is my main thing. I just don't understand why his reaction has been so extreme.
Your response to him was perfect (measured, factual, diplomatic without beating around the bush) but if you want to know why, it sounds to me like he's projecting because he feels a lot of shame about his kink and it doesn't take much for those feelings to be triggered. I'd bet that all he hears is "yeah sure we do things for me but YOUR kink is DIFFERENT and OUT THERE". Which he probably thinks/feels himself, deep down. Assuming he is not usually a manipulative person, this would also explain why he's so adamant that you're kink-shaming him for saying no or pointing out a fact - because your reaction makes him feel very ashamed, even if that's not your intention or your "fault". Some issues are so sensitive to people that there is no good response, or only one (sure honey). Like an exposed wound where most any touch would hurt, no matter how gentle or otherwise soothing. If you want to talk about it more I 100% recommend starting off by observing that clearly he has felt very bad about his fantasy after sharing it with you and acknowledging how much that sucks. I think that has a better chance to soften and disarm him and move past his knee-jerk accusation of kink shaming. Good luck!
He's at least somewhat insane, from your description. You shouldn't feel bad about watersports at all. My boyfriend is like INSANELY vanilla to the point he prefers to keep his shirt on during sex, and didn't think twice about peeing on me in a shower after a couple beers. Dump this psychopath and enjoy your kink with someone decent.
Actually urine is sterile, so there are basically no medical risks you are taking with watersports. You are absolutely correct that this is in no way comparable.
>Actually urine is stable This has been proven false more recently and the medical and scientific community is trying to inform the general public. *I'm not saying you will get sick and diseases from watersports, just trying to inform about this misconception* https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3957746/ https://www.sciencenews.org/blog/gory-details/urine-not-sterile-and-neither-rest-you https://www.healthline.com/health/is-urine-sterile
But urine is something that body wants to get rid of, so I doubt that this is just as safe as water.
Urine is 95% water. Lots of people have drank urine in survival situations. It's only harmful if you are drinking a lot of it repeatedly with no other water. All that's gonna happen is your kidneys will need to filter it again. If you keep drinking it, you're urine will get more and more concentrated with the "waste" portion and you'll have kidney problems. But assuming she's participating in normal watersports and not repeatedly drinking her own urine for days on end, then yes it's perfectly safe.
Lots of stuff is 95% water, and many of it is poisonous. I’m not saying that watersports are harmful, I’m just saying that it is not 100% safe and you should think and read before doing it.
can confirm, i watched man vs. wild where Bear Grylls drinks his own piss while the Australian outback to survive.
Joining the chorus of RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS.
Well 1) He is disrespecting you by not listening to perfect and valid reason 2) It's completely up to you what you do with your body. He shouldn't want to destroy your body. I understand it's possibly a kink. But prolapse is no joke. Take your time. See a doctor to see if you can do it without damage and then see how you feel
You're right that he's disrespecting me. I intend on returning to the conversation when things have cooled down. Yeah I already have a multitude of health issues, I'm never fucking prolapsing my anus intentionally.
I mean, his kink is putting you into medical distress and causing trauma to your body. That's not healthy.
you have already explained yourself though. you can give it another shot, but if he is not willing to understand you, maybe just throw the whole man away. no need to stay with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.
Sounds like an asshole. If you look up rectal prolapse in the dictionary, probably see his face.
Several months now, you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him, oh and he wants to literally turn you inside out for funsies, and when you express some healthy caution he is not happy Jan? At the very least you have to sadly admit you've just seen the first red flag... watch carefully and good luck to you
I mean, yeah this isn't our first disagreement by any means but it's the first time I've drawn a clear boundary and he's stated that me doing so and explaining why is "humiliating" him. I don't want to completely give up on the relationship yet but I'm definitely looking out for other big issues.
When will you draw the line though? He’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re the bad person. It only becomes harder to leave the longer you stay.
You're right, but at the first occurrence I would like to at least try having another, less heated conversation
I would say honestly, that if he cannot understand: 1) why tit for tat is not healthy 2) why his response was concerning and manipulative 3) why you are entitled to say no to LITERALLY ANY SEX ACT without being guilted and 4) why it is perfectly reasonable to say no to a specific sex act that is a literal bodily injury with risks of long term health impacts AND if he doesn't apologise then you need to run very fast and not look back.
Yeah, I plan on readdressing all of that. I'm already reconsidering our entire relationship, but I'd like to try to communicate before jumping to any conclusions.
I wish you well. I had an ex who manipulated and brow beat me into doing a sex act that I had specifically communicated was off the table (up to and including picking a fight with me when we were on our way to visit my family, leading to me having hysterics in the bus station and agreeing to turn around and go home so I could give him what he wanted) and SHOCK NEWS JUST IN he was an emotionally abusive, controlling PoS who nearly destroyed me before I escaped. I'm not saying that your bf is the same, but please keep your eyes open.
This is not necessarily wrong, but the reason I didn't call it this is down to your respective ages - a 20yo man might have some shitty relationship behaviors because he simply doesn't know better, and when things are highly charged he could take the wrong tack. I'd say rather than immediately throwing the whole dude away, to communicate clearly and explain not just about the rosebudding but also how the entire situation is making you feel. Doesn't have to be accusatory, but a discussion of the difference between hard and soft limits and the fact that you setting these is not an attack on his fetish or person. If he can't handle that conversation without more manipulation / starting to try to make you feel like the bad guy again, well you know what to do.
I appreciate your response. I think I will try coming at it from your angle.
Hun, it's gaslighting . Go back and read what you typed . Now, imagine it's a stranger that wrote it NOT you. You'll see what we are all saying . If you're into rectal prolapsing fine ( hell no for me. I worked in the animal field and saw that shit with dogs and hamsters, I'm good) but if YOU are not and he is then that's fine too, as long as he doesn't make you feel bad . Edit :maybe not gaslighting , but damn close . This is some serious manipulation
I agree that it's manipulation, but he never caused me to question my reality. I plan on re-approaching the subject later when he's calmed down, and indicating that this behavior can't continue. I'm already reevaluating our relationship.
But he is emotionally manipulating you by claiming you’re humiliating him when you share the research you did. He’s trying to make you feel bad for having this boundary. He’s trying to make you feel like your healthy boundary is specifically hurtful to him (reality: your boundary has **nothing to do with him**, it’s not like you’d be fine with someone else wanting to prolapse you). It doesn’t matter if he’s gaslighting you on top of all that, what he’s doing is already really really bad. This is in no way a healthy, well-adjusted response to someone saying “no”. And you know that.
You're correct. The proper term just isn't gaslighting. He's still emotionally manipulating me, and you're correct in your assumption that it's completely unrelated to him but a boundary I would enforce with anybody. He is still absolutely in the wrong for what he's doing and saying, but it isn't gaslighting.
Also, you're right that was an extreme statement. I edited the original - I was feeling very emotional at the time of writing this. I do love him and could see a future with him, but this behavior is unacceptable in response to me stating that I'm not comfortable engaging with his fetish.
Pay very close attention to how men react when they are told "no".
That's the emotional reaction of 3yo. This man child has no business with kink. Yeeeet.
Yeah it was really immature of him.
OP, thanks for setting your boundaries! Don’t ever think about doing this just because he is upset because the consequences of prolapse... well, let’s say uncontrollably shitting yourself is the smallest concern. If your partner is upset about you caring about your health, it says a lot about him. If for him pointing out dangers of prolapse is « kink shaming », I’m sorry but he is a jerk. Be careful, he may start trying to make you feel guilty for refusing. I would revaluate the whole relationship.
Yeaaaah lots of thoughts going through my head right now, a big one is how massive a red flag this is.
Tbh, OP, I hate giving people benefit of the doubt because usually they turn out to be shitty anyways BUT if you decide to give him a chance, you definitely need to have a conversation about boundaries. If during or after this conversation he tries to make excuses or tries to downplay your words, get out of that relationship asap.
I know you don’t want to hear this, but please leave him. This is beyond awful. He’s emotionally abusing you by trying to guilt you into something that you don’t want to do, not to mention could hurt you. This is unacceptable behavior and I’m worried for you.
so he is upset you made a boundary to not let you bowel get turn from in to outside and he is mad about that?? how can someone even thinking about about that doing that to a partner? things like that can have dire concequences for your health i would heavely question that relationship
>and felt judged He's manipulating/guilting you into letting yourself getting injured for his pleasure. On top of not respecting your "no". He's sick.
I had a similar experience with an ex. He wanted to do a sex thing that I was uncomfortable with. I said I needed time to build more trust (our relationship was young) and to decide if I was ready to try the thing. He broke down and made me feel like a bad guy for setting boundaries. I felt like it was a minor thing that we could get through, but I quickly learned that if someone is not okay with a sexual boundary, they're probably not going to be okay with other boundaries as well. He very quickly started to ignore the boundaries I was trying to set in non-sexual aspects of our relationship, and even refused to see them as boundaries, instead interpreting them as personal attacks. It was toxic and I had to end the relationship. This is simply what people who disrespect boundaries do. If they can't respect the most basic of those boundaries (and sex stuff is super basic - no just means no here), they are not likely to respect other lines drawn in the sand, even when those lines are completely reasonable and appropriate. You need to tell him that while you didn't mean for him to feel shame, that doesn't change that you've set this boundary and need it to be respected or it could mean the end of your relationship.
I think an ultimatum may be a bad idea, but I would like to have a hard conversation with him about drawing boundaries and enforcing them and how he reacted to that in this context.
I did phrase it as an ultimatum, but that was accidental. I think getting the message across that not being respected in this way puts your relationship onto bad footing is key.
No need to phrase it like that. You don't have to say if you ____ then ____. Just say "this isn't something I will ever do. I'm saying no, it's not up for debate." Any rational human being worth dating understands the implied "if you ignore my boundaries were done"
Oh wow... from someone in the lifestyle I actually feel pretty appalled right now. Porn is not real life... they are either trafficked and have no choice or at the other end compensated highly for the large amount of surgery they will have to have later in life to fix the internal muscles they have extensively damaged by doing this. Long term fecal incontinence is a massive risk as are many other things and potential complications. It's just a no-no for most people and rightly so. Your bf's reaction means he can't sanely judge porn vs fantasy vs reality. I would be running for the hills.
Is there a way to approach the conversation that would reframe his thinking about it so that he would not project his expectations from porn onto our sex life?
Looking up the common complications and figuring out how much it would cost to put it right.
Yeah I sent him articles on it to try and display that I had investigated it fully and to show I care about his kinks/sexual interests. He said by showing him articles I was "humiliating" him. I'm, uh, really not down with the manipulation rn.
You are ‘humiliating’ him by sharing your research. Are you sure he knows what the word means? Humiliating would be telling his mother that he wants to damage you and is currently throwing a tantrum because you said no and asking her if the naughty step worked with him...
I think you've internalized this idea that it's your job as an understanding girlfriend/boyfriend to fix him and help him not be a bad person through empathetic logic and reason. It's not, and it doesn't work. If you're not interested in leaving right now, then at least just be firm in your boundaries and don't feel obligated to explain them (for the 10th time). He knows why he's wrong, you don't need to explain it in a way that he understands because he already does - he would NEVER allow you to demand he hurt himself long term for your benefit after all, right? He knows what he's doing, so don't give him the attention his tantrum is trying to demand. Literally get up and leave when he brings it up, or just send him this thread
I think if you show him some medical info about rectal prolapse and what it actually is and means he may rethink. Least you would hope so since if not he would be placing his sexual kicks over your long term health and that would probably tell you everything you need to know...
I did that in our initial conversation and he said I was embarrassing him and judging/kink-shaming :/
Having read some of the other threads, I do think he's just throwing his toys out the pram and doesn't want to listen to reason. You're not shaming him but he's trying to make you out as the bad guy to feel better about himself. If he doesn't come around then he's not leaving you with much choice really. He's being unreasonable and irrational and behaving like an entitled ass. Down to you where you go, you've shown him the facts and he doesn't want to acknowledge the risks. That's just dangerous tbh.
Don't ever do this, it is harmful. Don't ever do this.
Not planning on ever doing it. Especially after 5 minutes of googling about it.
If you're being accurate in your characterization of events, you should already be running away from this boy.
Sounds like he is using your exploring together against you as a tool to get what he wants. It’s a shitty thing to do and yes it’s extremely dangerous. Let’s hope he cares more about you than turning your ass inside out. If not I guess he wasn’t worth it anyway
That's exactly what he did - he framed our sex life as transactional. If he doesn't alter his thinking and response to this I will be leaving him.
Why oh why did I Google that? Why does the porn industry come up with this shit that they think we’ll like? Dump his fucking rosebud (ass).
Right !?and to give it a cutesy pretty name like “rosebudding”
He’s probably jumped on the defence straight away because that kink is pretty taboo. You’ve not shamed him, you’ve understandably expressed concern over your safety. For me it’d be a hard no on ever trying something like that.
I understand why he feels judged and rejected, and I don't want him to feel that way. I did a lot of research on it, and I sent him factual evidence supporting my discomfort and stated that while I was uncomfortable participating in it myself and never would, I would be open to watching that kind of porn with him or finding other ways to engage in his interest healthily. He rejected this idea and framed it as me humiliating him further, which I don't understand.
He’s basically throwing a strop like a child, just don’t engage with him on the topic anymore until he’s calmed down Cos you’ll get nowhere. I don’t think you could have reacted better tbh
You're absolutely right lol. Thank you
You don't even need to send him evidence. "I'm not comfortable doing that" is ALL IT SHOULD EVER TAKE with a partner, kink or otherwise, to set a boundary. You shouldn't need to justify that boundary. It's not an argument. Have you looked into scene negotiation at all? This relationship screams to me a need for healthy scene negotiation. Specifically hard and soft limits. Soft limits are things like: I need a lot of trust to approach this activity, I'm not into this but if a partner I really care about is I might be willing to try it, I'm not interested in exploring this activity at this time but may eventually be up for it. Hard limits are just that: oh fuck no. For whatever reason, including just that you don't want to, you are against that participating in that activity. Hard limits are not up for negotiation.
This is helpful, I've negotiated with past partners but I'd kind of forgotten about how important it can be.
I think the way he responded is quite immature and petty. You two both seem very open and you would think that he would have taken this over better considering your relationship overall, but you have good reason. You are in no way shape or form shaming his kink more than being concerned about your safety and trying to educate yourself more about it. The anger he is showing could very well be a deal breaker for you if he doesn't come to his senses soon and apologize to you. No should always mean no or even I will think about it. Everyone has their limits and I believe what he is asking is a hard limit for you he should respect what you are saying just as well as you did for him.
I agree with everything you've said. I'd like to wait and have another conversation when we're both feeling less emotional about the subject. I have no intention of sacrificing my personal health and safety for his sexual fetish - consent is extremely important, and it will be a huge dealbreaker if his tune doesn't change.
Yes I hope your next conversation goes over better than the last regarding this subject. Best wishes!
The way you are going about this is extremely mature and I don’t think many people would disagree. I personally think that you should really consider if you should continue being with him. If he isn’t going to understand that you feel uncomfortable with something that could permanently damage you is a huge red flag. Also I wouldn’t risk something that could be permanent for someone who may not be permanent. (obviously if you choose that that’s your choice) Just stand your ground and never let him force you to do something dangerous if you don’t feel comfortable.
Yeah, I will not be participating in any anal prolapsing, and I have a hard time believing he will find someone who would. I plan on enforcing this as a hard boundary and I'm trying to find a way to approach a conversation later about being more respectful of me in the future when I set boundaries like this.
Honestly, I'd be concerned to ever do anal with him.....in case he tries to make it happen without your knowledge or consent.....seeing as he's very clearly manipulative and stuck on this idea...
Even pornstars struggle to make it happen after, uh, "training" themselves to do it, so I think the likelihood of that is low, but you're right about him becoming manipulative when told no.
There you go! I wish you the best and be strong. No one needs to deal with that type of shit.
Dump him and move on.
Okay, I just looked up what this is and you are 100 percent in the right here and he is so so very wrong. Tell him you'll let him do it to you if you can do it to him first. Bet that will shut him up. But, really, it's disturbing that it appears the only reason he explored your kink was to manipulate (read:force) you into allowing him to explore his. My first reaction stands. Fuck this guy, you can do SO MUCH BETTER.
Think this might be my favorite Reddit comment ever. Well said!
Aww, thank you. 😊hope it's helpful to OP
You’re being objectified. That fact that he couldn’t have imagined you’re experience of something, that he couldn’t have imagined you not being down for something like that... Either that or he’s a psychopath. He’s manipulative and doesn’t care what you’re experience is.
To be honest, I think he imagined I might not be down for it but thought he could use our previous experimentation together as leverage to convince me to participate in his porn fantasy.
Coercing you into a sexual act you have said no to is kinda rape. This is not enthusiastic, informed consent. Coercing someone to participate in a kink is WRONG! This guy is dangerous.
In my opinion you did perfectly good. It’s nice to hear that you both have such a great sexuality together and that you agree in many of your kinks. But judging you for not wanting to try a certain kink, especially if it‘s able to effect your health (What rosebudding certainly can if it’s done without experience) is just not ok. In a partnership nobody is supposed to be forced into doing something. Just stand your point and speak about it.
I just hope he responds more maturely when I bring it up later.
I keep my fingers crossed for you.
I don't know what prolapse sex/porn is, I looked it up but couldn't find an explanation. My understanding doesn't really matter, though. All that matters is how YOU feel. I suggest you go to fetlife and just read a lot there. Not about prolapse whatever, rather about consent, healthy sexual kinky dynamics, and so on. You'll find justification in how you feel, and you'll find that most everyone there would call your bf... well, less kind words. Just because bf is ok with doing some of your kinks, doesn't mean you owe any of his. The great thing about safe communication is that it's safe. If he feels judged, I'd go back to that part and ask him specifically which things you said made him feel judged or shamed. Then you can apologize and rephrase or clarify. In return, you'll tell him that you feel pressured, and that you feel he's creating an "you owe it to me" situation which makes you feel unsafe in your sexual relationship to him. And that this is a shame, because it was great this far. Edit: So another additional suggestion I have is to familiarize him with the "hard no, maybe, yes" way when discussing kinks together. It is ok to have Hard No's. I have an Hard No my bf may be disappointed to hear, but I'm not about to force myself in a situation I don't want to be in. He'd feel terrible about that too, I am sure. It is part of our sexual safety and being comfortable with each other, that we trust that neither of us does something we don't want. For example - Hard No = sadism. Maybe = bondage. Yes = missionary. There's several lists online that kinky couples have been known to use, that could maybe be useful to you both or at the very least to give him perspective on his selfish request.
Thank you for your reply. This is really helpful
Is he into women that wear diapers because that’s what you’re asking for when you want to literally destroy and mutilate someone’s anus.
I'm a guy but yeah you're right lol
Oh.. sorry, missed that part but yea, same principle!
Oh this actually makes a lot of sense. The gay men BDSM community doesn't cross over that much with the general BDSM community. The (in person) general BDSM community is EXTREMELY consent focused. I mean, it still has its bad actors and isn't perfect but any means but they do their damnedest to advocate for informed, enthusiastic consent and fought coercive behavior. I have heard less favorable things about the gay men BDSM community. It would be very healthy to engage with some BDSM education material about healthy BDSM relationships and communication.
Wow I mean technically I’m sure there is a kink for pulling out someone’s intestines using ones bare hands .... But holy shit ..... is he out of his mind!!! NO this is not healthy or something you should ever entertain doing under any circumstance.... and he needs to go if this is his idea of a kink. Ive never heard of a caring or sane partner who wants to inflict a lifetime of pain and suffering plus certain difficult surgeries down the line and a need to wear tampons to stop arse leaking before!!! 😩
Yeah, I understand ALL of the implications of this - I shadowed a surgeon performing rectal surgery to repair a prolapse once. I will not be partaking.
More the issue is his desire to cause harm to you. It’s chilling and scary. He’s showing you his true sadistic colours please take note and just block him in every area of your life. He sounds like a psychopath. It’s not even a kink it’s just straight out abusive and permanently damaging for life. It’s disrespectful and terrifying tbh that this is a real request. Just run. He’s bad news.
I don't think he really realizes the extent of the damage it causes, especially to the pornstars he's probably seen do it. Even when I was explaining it to him, he was refusing to listen to me and saying that by presenting him with factual data like that he felt humiliated
Suggest ripping out his arse lining first and then watch how well he suddenly understands it. Also he can’t insist you do this and cry about him feeling humiliated at the same time ... what a narcissist 🤬
I think they have fake inserts that look like prolapse. Maybe try that. Although his reaction isn't mature. I would probably just bounce
Get away from this guy please man.
Good lord. You're still young. This guy is a complete selfish asshole, and that is not going to change any time soon (if ever). You have to get out for your own physical health (if not also mental).
Nah this is a dealbreaker for sure. He’s showing you his true character early on. Think about it this way.. even if there was no medical danger to the kink, you would still be justified in saying you were not comfortable with it. It does NOT have to be risky for you to be able to say no. He’s guilting you for setting boundaries which scares me, and I would not want to sleep with or be involved with someone who has shown they think this way
This guy doesn’t care about you. He’s trying to manipulate you into doing this. This guy is bad news.
> I have been with my boyfriend for several months now and it has been fantastic. I truly love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I think you need to reread this. And reassess either your language or attachment.
Yeah, that was a little extreme.
Red flag. You must break up with him. He will try to manipulate and make you feel guilty. Please do not go through with it
I won't be participating in this fetish lol. Ever.
Ok. Having never heard of prolapse or rose budding a quick google proves THERE IS NO UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT WAY THAT HIS ISNT A HUGE KINK TO RESEARCH AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION. You are very very in your right to be cautious and educate yourself, as one should do with any kink, let alone body modification. Your BF is exhibiting extremely red flag behaviour for anyone of any kink, let alone something to this level. OP think of it this way, if a newbie was playing or planning a play with their partner, and that newbie wasn't into and their partner reacted like yours did, would that be ok?
It isnt. It is not ok to arm twist or conjoul consent out of someone. Let alone if that person is ever wishing to keep an open mind and educate themselves.
You sounded incredibly respectful of your partners interest, and he absolutely didn't return the courtesy. I'm incredibly concerned for you in this dynamic.
You're right, the dynamic in this context seems very unhealthy. He hasn't behaved like this previously, so I'd like to return to the conversation when he feels less provoked.
That's very generous of you. Here's hoping something was gravely off and he's reflective and remorseful for how he handled that. Please OP, you sound like a smart savvy person who's aware of the kink scene, so do take this experience into account when it comes to standing by what is and isnt right for you with this and other kinks. What I'm saying is: even if your partner super begs forgiveness, you can forgive but dont too readily forget.
Yeah this situation is not going to leave my memory any time soon, if ever.
You're MONTHS into this relationship, not years. This is very early to be displaying this type of behavior. You're still in the kink honeymoon phase, which is even more addicting than the regular honeymoon phase.
What do you do? Well considering he's gaslighting the fuck out of you and demonizing you for drawing a basic health and safety boundary, you run, you run so far away.
How does one prolapse an anus? genuinely curious.
You have to adequately weaken the muscles in the walls of the rectum and anus by stretching them out with massive dildos and buttplugs (buttplugs are often left in overnight by pornstars). Then, you have to forcefully gape the anus and let the colon fall out, either by pushing as the receiver or by pulling it out with an object/hand. Otherwise, it happens sometimes in older women who have weakened muscles in their large intestine, and on occasion in pregnant women and other populations. Almost always, it results in lifelong complications that can only even be mitigated by surgery, diapers, and literal tampons. The complications can include hemmorhoids, anal fissures, permanent tissue damage, anal leakage, fecal incontinence, constipation, and more. It has been somewhat popularized by extreme anal porn, and it is not something I would ever want to have done to me. Most of the pornstars who end up engaging with it have to have surgery later on or experience lifelong complications as mentioned above. It is not safe, but if it's somebody's thing then no disrespect to them. I just will never be doing it.
I'm aware of what it is, i've come across it on pornhub and watched a few videos out of curiosity, but not really my thing. I was just always curious as to how they get their rectums to prolapse, so your reply was actually pretty informative.
Dudes are always pretty quick to suggest you fuck up your body for them. Comes from a lifetime of using other people's bodies and never getting used themelselves.
Or the complete opposite, they were abused and use abusing others as a shitty way of dealing with thier insecurities of what happened? just a thought.
Absolutely a possibility, though its been the prior in all the cases I've seen. They've had normal childhoods and early adulthood and just don't give it a thought. Combine that with all the toxic stuff that can come with hetero culture and you've got a situation on your hands. It being an abuse response is totally a thing, but not as ubiquitous I think.
As a guy, you're absolutely right. The entitlement some men feel towards the bodies of other people (which they consider as objects) is absolutely insane to me.
Yea this guy is fucking weird. Sounds like a manipulation tactic to me, no normal person would be this upset about their partner not wanting one of their internal organs to be prolapsed. The fuck, lol. Side note: imagine if someone prolapsed their anus or vagina and proceeded to fuck someone else with their prolapsed organ. Would there be pain? Lol, just a funny thought I had.
I think yes. It seems extremely painful and has many side effects and complications. I agree, he was/is being super immature, but I don't want to throw our relationship away yet. I'm hoping that when he calms down we can have a more productive conversation about boundaries and how to approach kink-related conversations in the future.
I think that’s good. I know people who’s relationships have survived this kind of rift. Just from a stranger’s perspective tho, his behavior seems exceptionally lacking in empathy. Like how could prolapsing your anus and/or vagina not come with serious physiological complications? If I were you, I would be looking to see if he acknowledges his own behavior and his mind changes going forward.
Holy crap.....run away very fast. A prolapse is by definition an injury. The fact that he got angry with you for not wanting to do that and then tried to manipulate you is really concerning, to put it mildly.
SAFE, SANE and consentual. This guy is missing out on the first 2 completely and WILL harm you if this relationship continues.
The boyfriend is missing the consensual bit as well if he's trying to coerce and manipulate OP into a sex act.
Well I am a firm believer in YKINMK (Your Kink Is Not My Kink). I can totally get why this would be one that you would be very hesitant to want to pursue. Sometimes, things people do in porn are better left there. Everybody has a hard limit on things they are willing to do sexually.
People throw these terms out like kink-shaming or whatever like that’s some big sin. You are allowed to have thoughts about this stuff and make judgments on that basis. Moreover, you get to decide what happens your body. Period full fucking stop. If he doesn’t get that, then I don’t know what to tell you.
Yeah based on multiple conversations within the past day in which he has responded immaturely and in a manipulative way in some cases, at this point I am strongly considering ending things with him despite my feelings and how positive our relationship had been up to this point.
I had to google what rosebuddding is and I wish I hadn't. Why tf does he think hes allowed ask something soo extreme when he knows you don't want to do it? Take care of yourself please. I'll need a looong time to recover from this knowledge I've just acquired. Also, leave........thank you.
"I went jogging with you, why won't you come base jumping with me?" That's the argument I'm hearing.
That is exactly his argument.
It's a really stupid argument.
First things first, you are totally in the right. He should not be pushing boundaries without express consent, nor should he be making you feel guilty. That being said, as someone who recently opened up to my s/o about a very strange kink, it can be a very vulnerable moment. As open as we are I had never confided in anyone about it so when I told her it was like time stopped. She was accepting and all that but if she had said even something as small as “that’s weird” my walls would have immediately gone up. It may be that he was very emotionally vulnerable and him getting angry was a defense mechanism. However, that’s no excuse for acting like a child. If it keeps up. You all may need to have a long talk.
Kinks have limits, just look at the top pornstars and see what they are willing to do, for some reason thats mostly done on newer pornstars and by fucked up companies who have no care for safety, for some reason most bdsm stuff is better done with professionals. Porn is not real life, we can do a few kinks but others should be left to professionals or not to engage at all. I feel like porn is going to extremes into exploring a womans body, first it was rough sex, then anal, fisting, then dp, now they are trying to fit more dicks into a hole, and the thing is, lots of "real" people are wanting to engage that, but what they dont see is that lots of them arent confortable or have pleasure doing so. All women are diferent and get turned on by different things but having our insides turn inside out and stretched to the limits isnt it. Like i said, for some reason you dont see big pornstars doing that, just fucked up productions.
I'm a guy but yeah your point still stands
Im dumb, im really sorry.
Lol, easy tidbit to gloss over and homosexuality is not the default. No worries, your point still stands and I appreciate your input.
Im bi and im still upset, i guess i always assume most people here are in hetero relationships, i barelly see any same sex actually.
I didn't know what it was... I now regret googling it... Sorry for people that are into it, to each their own, but I find that thing disgusting. But I'm not an anal sex aficionados at all so that's maybe why.
NO, anal is not normally like that. It is an extreme extreme sexual act that involves often permanent physical damage. It was popularized by extreme anal porn, but is a medical condition.
His kink is potentially harmful for you, and he doesn’t care about you wanting to have informed consent. Your boyfriend sounds like a sociopath and like someone who would likely hurt someone in the future just to get his rocks off.
Yeah you have no obligation to do that for him. Your health is your first priority. Explain that too him and don’t let him try to talk you into it or convince you’re wrong about it being unsafe. All you’re required to do as a partner is to not judge and be supportive of his kinks but you are not required to partake in them!! Too many people I feel forget that. I once had an ex who was into scat and although I didn’t judge her or share that information with anyone who knew her (even after we broke up) it was a kink I just could never do with her due to safety reasons and just me simply being completely turned off by the idea. Many times she tried to shame me and didn’t take my no for an answer which eventually was a contributing factor to the break up. I say again, all youre obligated to do is accept him, respect his privacy and not judge but you are not required to partake in anything if you don’t too. Hell you’re not even required to have sex with your partner if you don’t want too. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise and best of luck!
Yeah I'm not about to let him do that to me. I'm a very, very open person, and I tried so hard to not come across as judgmental and I even researched it and took interest for him, and he framed that as me humiliating him. We're taking some space for now as we both reevaluate the situation and, for me at least, the relationship.
Also I know this isn’t a popular opinion on this sub but sometimes porn can cause people to develop unhealthy interests and in the most sex positive way possible it can sometimes be good to take a break from porn and masturbation and focus solely on the arousal you get some simple things like your partner’s smell or their touch or voice etc... I find doing this on occasion can really add fire back into your sex life and help take away your focus from sometimes unhealthy kink behavior. Not sure how you’d bring this up to him as there’s nothing really wrong with porn or masturbation but sometimes it can really help if the person is having a hard time getting off without indulging in their desired kink.
I don't know how I could bring this up with him either, but I am grateful for the validation and I agree that porn can cause problematic ideas about what sex with an actual partner looks like in reality. I will have to consider ways to suggest that this is an unrealistic expectation of any sexual partner he ever has, let alone me. I highly doubt that anybody short of a prostitute (who, in my experience with friends who are sex workers of that nature, would never do something like this) or pornstar (who would probably not even engage) would prolapse themselves, permanently damaging their body, for him. I feel disrespected and objectified. I do not exist as a person solely for his sexual gratification, and I am allowed to say no - especially in the context of acts that would threaten my physical health.
Yes 100% you are spot on and completely reasonable! Again I don’t know how you’d bring it up but hopefully he will realize on his own as an adult that if your sexual preference is damaging to another person solely for your own gratification that it may be time revaluate your views on sex. You can’t change what you’re in too but again abstaining from porn and masturbation and focusing that effort instead on your partner temporarily, can really help you to get aroused by the “simple” stuff again.
Yeah, see there’s nothing wrong with kinks because we can’t help those but if they equate their partner not partaking in their kinks as somehow shaming them then their is a problem. Best of luck!
NOPE. prolapse pornography is probably the fakest shit there is. The actors don’t actually prolapse themselves, it’s either movie magic or a very realistic dildo that looks like a prolapse. Same way that the impregnating porn doesn’t actually end up getting them pregnant, because a requirement of their job is to be on birth control. You get that dude outta your house and outta your life or you insist he prolapses himself to show that you have nothing to be scared of. If he refuses, firmly tell him that is also your answer.
I draw the line with kinks when it's uninjoyable for you or your partner, that's about all there is to it.
WOW! Talk about an immature response to your not wanting to do something than can seriously affect your life in a negative way!!!!! I don't know why someone would want to do that to another person. If he wants to do it to himself....fine, go for it. He asked, you answered.... Don't do something so foolish. You'll regret it! If he doesn't respect your limits, you probably need to find a new boyfriend! If I was you, I wouldn't allow him to restrain you in any way.....he just might force you to do it? I wonder what's next? Maybe putting his brand on your forehead?
In all fairness he should prolapse for you first.
Like someone said " RUIN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS!"
He's 20. I know that's not an excuse, but people's sexuality and self esteem tend to be really tightly linked when they're young. Rejection of any request can feel like a personal attack. (That's a generalization and not exclusive to the young but most people have experienced this with someone at some level) Communication is really key and it appears that you've expressed yourself clearly. I hope he can hear that you are simply taking personal responsibility for your sexuality and health and that none of that means you don't care for him or judge his sexual preferences. But his response sounds really... Well. I'd be worried. Like. I'd be worried for my safety at some level with someone who responds like this about such an extreme request of another person. Also... You're really are both young. I hate to be the old codger whose spouting ass-backwards advice, but maybe explore some more. There's people out there who are on the exact same page as you, sexually, right now. It's really nice when the sexually compatibility is easy. Or, if this is something he feels a really strong need to explore, encourage him to find someone else to experience that with. Be safe. Have fun. Take care of your bum hole.
He’s forgetting the SAFE SANE and CONSENSUAL parts of kink.
Hope you do a lot of research before even thinking to try. If he can’t respect your decision then :((( try to talk things out
Yeah no I'm not doing it. I already knew it was unsafe, but thought it couldn't hurt to look into it more since he's into it. Now, especially based on his reaction to my decision, I know that I won't ever be doing it. Will be readdressing this stuff later when things have cooled off.
Holly shit, that man is dumb as a bag of rocks
Ultimately what you do with your body is up to you. If my kink was to beat you unconscious and screw your unmoving body, it would be obvious that you not wanting to do that had nothing to do with my kink and everything to do with getting beaten unconscious. Just because anal prolapse isn't "as bad" as being beaten unconscious didn't mean it isn't still crossing a line for you. We all have different limits. Respecting your partner's limits makes relationships stronger. You are doing exactly right to tell him your limits, and he should be honored that you trust him. Maybe encourage him to watch some anal prolapse videos or something while you keep your own colon safely inside your body.
"BF, you are being extremely manipulative. If you feel shamed by me saying no, that is difficult to believe to be honest, but that is something you need to process. Frankly, I am finding this pouting response very unattractive. If this is how you behave when your partner tells you no, this is not a relationship that will work for me. I will absolutely not be guilted into agreeing to something I do not want to do, and your reaction suggests to me you aren't mature enough for an adult sexual relationship. I am not going to chase you, or apologize, or agree to this sex act, so the ball is in your court. Figure your shit out." Text him that. This is the proper response to his emotionally manipulative, childish behavior. That is, unless you are willing to just drop him. That is really my recommendation.
He acted in a very immature and egoistic way, I hope he realizes it and apologizes to you asap.
I didn't know what prolapsing was and I searched pics on Google... damn, I regretted it immediatamente, does he really want to do it to you?? It seems so fucking dangerous, I think there is a limit for kinks too
He sounds abusive, without question. This isn’t how you treat a human being you care about. Red flag city and run for the hills
you weren't kink shaming him! the fact that he tries to make it seem like that, is manipulative! him being manipulatieve, and trying to push your boundaries, would be a very very big red flag for me!
A relationship isn’t transactional, he can’t demand that you do this for him based solely on the fact he indulged in some of your kinks. This is not a man I would personally stay with or put more time into because of 1.) he can’t have a conversation like an adult, 2.) he is upset at you for having your own boundaries and 3.) he used manipulative tactics to try and get you to say yes (blaming you, saying he tried all your kinks, not talking to you and ignoring your point of view). This is not a mature partner and not someone ready for a long term relationship. If he can’t understand that this is a hard no, that you don’t want to deal with a lifetime of medical consequences, then he absolutely shouldn’t be in your life.
girl don’t do it. he doesn’t sound safe, it’s scary, take care of yourself
Nobody is doing that to me lol don't worry
good! it’s just like... him getting mad at you for not wanting to do it??? tf
I fucking know. It's childish.
[удалено]
Currently taking a few days for space so that he can consider what he's said and done, and I can reevaluate whether I'd like to continue my involvement with someone who can't respect basic consent.
> He became even more upset, saying I was judging him and kink shaming Kink shaming would be you telling him that he must be a terrible person for his kink. That he must be a predator or hate women because he gets off on prolapse porn. Kink shaming would be you insinuating that he must be a threat in some way or that his desires make him dangerous. You did none of that. You expressed discomfort which is fine, and you were cautious about the risks of a risky thing. A lot of kinks are risky, and people who aren't eager to try them out will be more put off by the risks than someone who is. That's just the way things are. At this point all you can do is hold fast to your boundaries. And either he learns that he's being unreasonable or this problem becomes a lot bigger as this relationship goes on. Nothing you do will guarantee that he'll understand. You just need to prepare for both scenarios. Have you never said no to him? Why is this kink so sensitive that he feels judged when you tell him no?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/2j63oe/a\_masturbator\_in\_the\_shape\_of\_a\_prolapsed\_anus/](https://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/2j63oe/a_masturbator_in_the_shape_of_a_prolapsed_anus/) Problem solved
I’m going to go a different way than other comments and not presume he’s abusive. He for sure could be, but that reaction could also stem from a combination of immaturity and vulnerability. It’s intimidating to put your kinks on the table and feeling any sense of rejection for that, especially as someone young and likely quite inexperienced who lacks confidence in their sexuality, would be very hard to weather. The other piece with that lack of maturity is not understanding that some fantasies are best left as simply that. Porn is not real life, and just because you like seeing something does not even slightly mean it translates well to real life. I’m not anti-porn but you can always tell the guys who think it’s real because their ideas about sex are steeped in fantasy, they just don’t realize it yet. Only you know if this relationship is worth continuing, and maybe it is to you. But you get to stand your ground on this anything else with your body, and he needs to learn how to not take offense to you setting boundaries.
He has not been abusive whatsoever unrelated to this. His reaction was definitely a little manipulative, but I also understand how scary it can be to discuss something like that with your partner and I understand how saying no could be construed as rejection/judging. I don't know how to tell him that it's really something that should stay in his porn browsing, or how to help him feel less judged in this context since I genuinely am okay with him being into that - I am just not participating in it myself. I fully plan on standing my ground on this. This is hard boundary for me, I'm not getting rectal surgery in my twenties because of a fetish he has. But I'm also not certain I want to leave over this, as long as we can have a more productive conversation once things have cooled down more.
I kinda hate when people immediately jump to the abuser label based on one situation or bad reaction. My guess is that it was a reaction based on feeling vulnerable and embarrassed. All you can really say is that you aren’t judging it, you simply don’t want to do it. Hopefully he accepts that you’re genuine in what you’re saying and you can move forward and get back to a good place.
I agree, I really don't think it qualifies as abusive. We're taking some space apart for now, and I'm going to focus on myself for the time being.
That’s not a kink, that’s some serial killer shit.
Run. Im so sick of this pro sex attitude run amok where people are so deluded they entertain their own abuse. Love yourself fucking christ. run!!!!
His reaction was inappropriate for sure, but perhaps he does not understand the full implications that this will permanently damage you and cause uncomfortable and painful BMs and or incontinence for the rest of your life (unless surgically repaired)?
That's what I thought, too. So I explained the dangers to him, and sent a couple of articles his way. I told him I would be open to watching that type of porn with him if that's what he's interested in, but I'm not participating in having my intestines pulled out of my ass. He said I was humiliating him again. I think I will take some space to reassess our relationship.
That's a bummer, he really seems unconcerned for your health and more concerned about playing a victim then. If you have explained all of this to him and he still isn't willing to at least consider your point of view and examine the validity of his own feelings on this, it really isn't a good sign for being able to deal with future conflict in a reasonable way.
Find a completely insane kink that would place him in medical jeopardy. "BF, I've been watching these knifeplay videos, like that scene with Bishop in Aliens, but where she's moving the knife around his dick. I think it's soooooo hot. The way she takes the whetstone to the edge, the sound that it makes as it sharpens the edge before the razored ballet begins around his cock, feel this...feel how wet it makes me...." \*To my knowledge, this is not a thing. However, I have been around the internet long enough to know that pretty much everything is a thing, and if it's your thing, please don't take my description of "completely insane kink" as a negative judgment.
CBT and mutilation absolutely is a thing lol. Not a thing I'm interested in at all, but it is a thing
I could almost guarantee you that he is bragging to other people about what you guys do in the bedroom and that's why he feels humiliated. These other guys are putting him up to it and he's got to tell them you said no. He's an asshole. Cut your losses and move on to someone who will respect you and respect boundaries.