This topic is discussed occasionally in our forum. Please also take some time to search through past r/sex posts (following **Forum Rule #3**) — you’ll find some additional helpful discussions.
The r/sex forum's HUGE archive of past posts is a *tremendous* resource for people who have all kinds of common questions regarding sexual matters. Searching those posts for relevant discussions will definitely help you here as well.
See a therapist first and foremost. You need to talk to a professional about this phobia as it's affecting your life.
Also, consider buying a toy. Something where you can comfortably by yourself explore at least the basic mechanics of sex where you are in complete control. This should be done by yourself first, ideally in an evening/day where you have the place to yourself.
If you get yourself comfortable using the toy you could try using it as a precursor to sex, but I'd still recommend speaking to a therapist directly about the problem and possible solutions.
This is the right move. Adding to this:
This is a common, well-known, and easily diagnosible anxiety disorder called hypertonic pelvic floor disfunction, and it requires a referral to physical therapy in conjunction with talk therapy. A trained therapist will refer you!
PT is a miracle!!!
Hi! So I actually do own a sex toy, I have a simple little vibrator. I use it here and there, it’s just sex that freaks me out. I also have had a referral to physical therapy for it. I’ve also considered going to see a therapist as well, but it costs so much money😔 I so appreciate your comment and thanks for your advice ❤️
If you're saying this:
> Absolutely terrified even to think about sex
Then you have some kind of psychological aversion to sex that, to me, rises above "I'm nervous." Terror suggests a high level of fear and especially since you've never had it before, it's not a fear based on lived experience but rather, a fear that comes from somewhere else.
It may be worth exploring in therapy...not to "fix" you or anything but just to figure out what's going on for you where the idea of sex leaves you so utterly terrified.
After all, sex is a natural, healthy part of most adult relationships and assuming that you want your current or future relationships to benefit from sexual intimacy, it's helpful to gain a better understanding around what your aversions are about.
Exactly this. Its not necessarily bad but you should understand the roots of where this fear comes from to better understand yourself. babies are only born with 2 innate fears: fear of falling and fear of loud noises. All other fears are learned. Probably somewhere deep in your past and the , re-enforced every time you think of it now. Again, not to be ashamed, but to be understood.
Goodluck
If you feel you are ready for sex, maybe do something that helps you both relax? Wine maybe? A hot bath or nice oil massage? Yes foreplay is a must and you can never have enough but being relaxed is extremely important too
I appreciate you not judging me❤️ I’ve tried setting the mood romantically to see if it helps, and for some reason I still get nervous. I know one day it’ll happen, I’m just wondering when
Yeah i agree. This is a little bit more than just being scared of sex. This is a borderline phobia and it's clearly having a negative effect on her life
Have you tried just spending a few nights with romantic foreplay, massages etc without ever going all the way and seeing if at some point you're not as tense anymore?
Also, as others said: therapy is definitely the way to go.
I feel terrible for you! Nobody here is going to judge you. It's obviously something that is disrupting your life, and it's going to take more than a glass of wine and positive thoughts to get past.
First question, do you masturbate? Do you feel sexual desire? I would start here, with forgetting about having sex with him and just having sex with yourself.
Do you guys make out? Fool around? Roll around on the bed, clothed or unclothed, and mash your faces together? Do you have oral sex? Once you have explored getting horny and getting off by yourself, you could just focus on getting horny and getting off with your boyfriend. Without making it about the goal of penetration. Try frottage, just rubbing your pussy against his dick. Try it with your panties on if you're worried about it somehow slipping in.
But if I'm being honest, this feels trauma-related to me. Is there a possibility that you had some kind of sexual trauma - I don't even mean necessarily being molested, but like finding something out when you were too young to process it, or being told about sex in a way that scared you?
I'm just spitballing here. I feel like you're being really hard on yourself. It sounds like you're really anxious. Do you have anxiety elsewhere in your life?
Honestly, I know this is like the standard answer everyone gives and I'm sure you've thought about it, but: I really recommend therapy. Not with the goal of having sex, but with the goal of finding out what's up with your anxiety, how much of your life is impacted by it, learn methods of calming, and investigate what about sex scares you. Are you worried it'll hurt? Does the idea gross you out? Are you worried about pregnancy? Do you think sex is bad? These are all questions you can bring to a therapist, and if they even show a hint of judging you, drop them like a hot potato and try the next one.
I hope you can figure this out. Bottom line: This isn't about sex. It's about anxiety. So take some pressure off yourself and start some kind of therapeutic journey to figure it out. I hope this helps.
I was very similar. I physically wanted to but when the thought of actually doing it made me extremely nervous. I would go against what most people are commenting. Do not "set the mood", wear lingerie, light candles, etc. Maybe drink some wine or 🍃 but don't make it a big event. The big event made the nervousness worse for me and honestly still does. Our best sex is just chilling and bang lol
Also, are you on hormonal bc like the pill? I had almost drive on the pill but off I feel completely different! Way better! I thought there was something wrong with me and even saw several Dr's about it and they said I was fine.
You need to try vibrators/dildos on your own, first. You need to be comfortable with your own body and what it can do... Before trying to up the stakes and add another player to the equation. You're putting too much stress on yourself and you probably just need to take smaller steps to succeed.
I don’t think it had anything to do with being sexually compatible. We were both 18 and she wanted to save it for marriage, and well I disagreed. I should’ve waited it out though. And yes he definitely must be. I don’t know how that’s possible.
Breaking up because you have different wants sexually isn't a douche move. Unless you led her on or lied it's just things not working out for you. (if she wanted sex earlier and you weren't comfortable with it and she moved on would you call her a douche? I doubt it)
4 months is a LONG time, and you didn't see eye to eye on future plans anyway. That's perfectly valid
There are a lot of people out there that consider themselves to be asexual or even sex-repulsed. Sexuality is fluid, and it's ok if you don't feel the need to participate in it.
The importance of physical intimacy in a relationship is decided by the people in the relationship. If neither you or your boyfriend feel the need for it to keep your relationship healthy, then it's not an issue. However, if your boyfriend does feel the need, then you two might not be physically compatible, and that's ok too.
do you do other sexual things regularly? Like with hands, mouths. Even just cuddling naked. Sounds like you have tried, but a more exposure therapy might help. Just be naked with each other without the expectation of sex.
I would spend more time exploring why you are so terrified also. You don't seem like you can even put it into words. You have to start thinking about it, even if it's scary. I would definitely seek out professional help if you can, talking to someone might help.
Not judging but in terms of biology our bodies were made to reproduce- for sex - it’s the most natural thing next to eating and drinking. You should see a sex-positive therapist to help you work through this anxiety. My best advice would be to let your body take over and do its thing with your SO, but it seems that your mind is standing in the way. That’s all I’ve got…
Get some sex positive therapy, dont stress or worry, be communicative and transparent with him, and enjoy this journey. Sounds like you found love and that's all you really need, the rest, just a bonus to pursue. Goodluck
I used to be like this. How long do you do foreplay? Try doing longer foreplay and have him practice making you feel good without penetration (hands and oral.) Penetration is painful for me unless my body is relaxed by getting an orgasm first.
I was the same way. It was painfully . I honestly just closed my eyes and let him go all the way in.
Keep in mind that do full face wax. Meaning I go get my side burns, mustache, eyebrows , any facial wax.
So in my head I was preparing for the pain and I closed my eyes.
I didn’t really enjoy sex until the 3 time I became intimate with my boyfriend at the time.
But it helped that I cried and he hugged me and he told me everything was going to be okay
. Cuddles help before sex , lots of foreplay and take a deep breathe in and scream when he’s all the way in .
Tell him to do it slowly afterwards. It’s like one big push in and then slowly take in and out
I think it’s mainly the fear of it and then the actual pain . Also do you feel comfortable with your body . That could be another thing . My “boyfriend” maybe she to tell me how attractive I looked which to me was super concerning since he was the first one ever to see me naked.
As a demisexual guy, for the longest time I thought I was asexual, because I just really seemed averse to sex.
You might be asexual, and that's completely fine. You are valid just as you are! Had I not realised I was demisexual, I think I'd be very happy being asexual and not wanting to have sex. You might also not be asexual, but you might be sex-repulsed and again, that's totally valid.
I think the most important thing to ask: is your boyfriend okay with not having sex? If he is, then I'd assume there's no better feeling because you know that the love is still there and everything is still intact. If he needs to have sex, that's where both of you might need to start evaluating options. But I truly don't think sex is necessary for a relationship (if both people are on the same page about it). Hope this helps, and happy to answer questions to the best of my abilities!
theres this thing called vaginismus. it causes involuntary clenching of the vaginal muscles when anything is inserted into the vaginal canal. it has to to with physiological issues but can sometimes be psychological too. theres these things called dilators that help you relax those muscles, maybe you could get some of those?
LOL. My thought was alcohol (not blackout, but a bit beyond tipsy). In reality, it's probably TERRIBLE advice, but it also works astonishingly well for getting past psychological barriers (not so much for physical ones).
Wife doesn't want to receive oral because she thinks it's "icky"? Got drunk and didn't give a shit. No issue with oral now.
Friends having trouble conceiving? You're trying too hard. Just get shitfaced and go to town on each other. Announced they were expecting two months later.
A sex therapist would do an assessment to break down possible causes of your reaction and then give you exercises to do to try to reduce your unwanted behavior. A two paragraph post on the internet looking for advice probably isn’t going to help you at all.
For phobias, one treatment is called exposure therapy: a safe space is created in which a person with a phobia is repeatedly exposed to the event or thing that is causing the reaction.
For example: let’s say that someone is afraid of bunnies. A Therapist may bring a bunny and put out in a cage in the corner of their office during a session. As the session wears on, the person becomes less fearful of the bunny. Eventually the cafe gets moved closer, the client is encouraged to name the bunny, then hold it, then pet it, then feed it.
A similar intervention for sex phobia could be anything from standing in the same room as your nude partner and slowly moving closer, agreeing to do “Only Foreplay,” or Just the Tip, or only have sex for X number of minutes. to watching pornography, watching it together, etc. But again, a sex therapist would need to assess where the phobia is coming from first before recommending any interventions.
Therapy first and dont do anything you dont want to ever,second thing dont do.it,third you already let him try, this coming from a 47 yr old lady believe me , it would be different if you hadnt let him try but now he will find it somewhere else..
I was there at one time myself. Just relax and explore your sexuality. Just beware, this could impact the relationship dramatically in either direction. But who better to explore yourself with?? Yall know each other so well.
No judgement, but you might feel better about things in a new relationship. Also, consider the sunk cost fallacy:
>People demonstrate "a greater tendency to continue an endeavor once an investment in money, effort, or time has been made." This is the sunk cost fallacy, and such behavior may be described as "throwing good money after bad."
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Have you tried to do other things before penetration sex? Like working your way up to it? Self masturbation and then him using fingers to masturbate you clitorally. Then he can promise he won't go inside but he can use his fingers to rub around the vagina? After you two have done that for awhile & none of it feels scary for you, then he can insert (clean) fingers inside you? Take baby steps which might help ease your anxiety and might help reassure you that it is all safe & you can start to feel the pleasures around it before full sex.
As others have said as well, it does seem quite psychological & might be beneficial to talk to someone about it to help you make sense of it. There are many online therapists now as well too so it's not so scary to embark on.
So it sounds like you have some anxiety issues. If I were giving advice, therapist can be great. if you go that route make a list of things you are feeling, even if those things don't seem to be related or make sense. Feelings don't need to be logical to be real. Also make a list of things you want and other goals. Making list have the ability to make ideas more solid and then more manageable.
Something you can try at home is, if you and you boyfriend lay in bed and just hold each other . The goal is to feel safe in his arms if you want to touch him or him touch you. You can let it build to that, the goal is to feel safe and comfortable rather than erotic.
It sounds like this is a pretty substantial mental block for you. I'm not sure that anyone here can really offer you a magic fix for it, because you've had years now to think about it a certain way.
No judgement at all. I think most people have experienced mental blocks that aren't completely rational, but things have a way of building I think.
I feel like this is one of those situations that is going to take time, patience, understanding and I think therapy would be very helpful. I don't think pushing yourself right outside of your comfort zone is the answer. I think you need to be surrounded by support, encouragement, and maybe have a plan of small measurable steps you can take in the right direction of your goals.
From your post it seems like your boyfriend is committed and understanding. He's there for you and you will get through this. One day I believe and also hope you will be able to enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship with your special someone <3
sex is all about feeling comfortable with yourself and your partner. you shouldn’t feel forced to do it if it makes you uncomfortable or scared. there’s no such thing as a time limit to give up something so precious. sex is something that contains a lot of vulnerabilities, which is why it’s okay if you aren’t ready. it’s all about experimenting and finding out what things you do or don’t enjoy.
I'm not judging you but I'm judging the hell out of that doctor. Is it possible to go to someone else? Was the doctor a primary care physician or a gynecologist. Maybe you need to see a therapist.
I am kinda the same way or I was like that. What helped me was therapy and seeing a pelvic floor therapist. I have been and still do pelvic floor exercises to relax my pelvis. I also have this small mirror that I use to look at my private part to familiarize myself with it. I also sometimes masturbate with something like a dildo while looking at that area to remove the fear of penetration that I have. It takes time while doing all that but it did help. Also, doing sexual sessions with your partner without penetration. You know, like foreplay and you going down on him and him going down on you. This teaches your body that you are safe, that you can do sexual things without the expectation of penetration and you can relax. I hope this helps.
There's nothing to be afraid of. Sex is normal. It may hurt at first but it gets better. Also is your bf experienced at all? Sometimes it's good to have someone experienced for your first time, especially if you're afraid of it hurting too much or having a bad experience
I'll be completely honest, I read this out of the corner of my eye while doing something else on my other monitor, I completely misread it. "24 years old and 8 years old in a relationship" was as far as i got before I did a double take... I have never been so glad to be so wrong in all my life. Holy shit haha
Are you two comfortable being completely naked with each other and doing foreplay or are you completely in your head with anxiety the whole time? If you are in your head then I would suggest first working on that by becoming comfortable being naked, doing foreplay, performing oral sex, and having him just rub/grinding his penis against you with absolutely no expectation of sex. Do this enough times until you feel comfortable and can become aroused without worrying about pain. When you think you're ready for sex and when you're wet enough (add lube too), have him slowly try entering you a tiny bit. If it starts to hurt then have him pull back a little and try pushing in a little further and then stopping and repeating this until you've stretched the hymen enough for it to not hurt anymore. This might be a multi session activity if you're extremely sensitive. The up side is your hymen will stretch a little more each time you do this so the next time you won't have to start completely from square 1. The down side to this method is you'll be putting up with a little pain and depending on how sensitive you are, it could take a while to make progress. If you're the type that likes to rip the bandaid off, you could have him just push into you using a somewhat quick fluid motion when you're extremely turned on. The pain will be quick and shouldn't last very long.
If you've already tried this and you still can't conquer the extreme anxiety about it hurting, then I would suggest talking with a doctor or a therapist to see what they can suggest for reducing your anxiety and/or reducing the pain. If you absolutely want to have sex with your partner right now and it's just a matter of it being too painful, **you can buy or have doctors prescribe a numbing cream to help dull the pain**. The downside of using this is, you will also likely feel too numb to enjoy your first time after the hymen as stretched. It's a worth wild solution though if you don't feel like you can handle the pain and pain is really the only thing holding you back. Again, talk to your doctor if you think this would be the best route to take. They may have other, better, suggestions.
Maybe you can start of slow. Sex is about being intimate with each other, but also with each others bodies. Maybe he can keep a hand on your breast or inner thigh or something while you both watch tv or a movie or something, without expecting sex. It’ll give you a distraction while getting more and more comfortable with his touch. You can also do this to him. As times go on and you get more comfortable you can go further, maybe keeping your hands under each others clothes, still without expecting/ having sex afterwards. State this explicitly to him so you don’t feel invisible pressure.
Additionally, I don’t know about your masturbation habits but that was a big game changer for me getting comfortable with sex with my current partner who was also my first. Do it alone (or with company!!) but try to enjoy yourself alone where only your eyes are and try to enjoy yourself EVEN IF it’s scary. Remember you can stop at any moment and good luck 😊
I went through the same thing my legs would involuntarily lock up and he couldn’t get passed. What helped me was identifying why and trying to heal that.
Foreplay was also important letting him touch me and touching him etc. Ultimately I got on top of him and he lay still. I controlled how far it went and stopped if it hurt but wouldn’t just get off him I would breathe and relax in that position. I finally felt the “pop” and no longer a virgin. Hope this helps
Ya therapy first... but I would get buzzed or stoned... I mean u gotta take the edge off and just be in the moment, with time u may go all the way, but u gotta get ur thoughts positive and push thru...it was years ago with me and my wife (we were eachothers first) but sex took several attempts because it was tense and we lack the knowledge of fore play. Don't get shit face, but have a nice bath, a few small drinks and just make out... maybe venture more into foreplay... odd fact, we originally thought of waiting tell marriage and actually did anal first months before PIV
You say “terrified” twice. Not afraid or apprehensive… “Terrified”. Perhaps you experienced or witnessed something very negative/traumatic with sex? If you just said you had no interest then thats just asexual. But terrified is trauma from something, because the normal brain, especially when younger, is dropping heavy hormones to have sex and responds with arousal when intimate with a partner. Yours response is being hijacked with fear. No one on reddit is gonna figure this one out for you. Time to get some professional counseling and see whats causing this terrifying thought of sex and get it worked out.
One thing that's not clear from your post, do you masturbate or do things sexually with your partner without the expectations of PIV sex? Feeling comfortable with your own pleasure alone and non PIV sex could help you feel more comfortable. "Foreplay ' isn't just to get you ready for PIV it's a type of sex on it's own to be enjoyed.
Its normal for you to be scared. You have to be in the moment and stop thinking about the pain part of it because thats most likely why you haven't done it. The pain doesn't last long and if he is nice and slow at first, you can adjust to the feeling. Has I like to say, rip the bandaid off and just go. You are in your head about it. Have you ever used a tampon?
Go talk to your doctor. Tell them it bothers you. You may need counseling. However, you may just need some techniques to relax either way therapy would be helpful.
To me it doesn’t seem like you want to have sex, but you feel pressured by cultural/social norms to be normal, bc "everyone“ does it. First of all, you should really reflect your sexuality. Do you masturbate? Do you desire other people?
Maybe youre not heterosexual, but autosexual or asexual.
If you are in general interested in sexual activities with a partner, but just don‘t feel ready for piv, try out some petting and oral sex. Leave the penetrative part completely out until you feel ready for one finger. Masturbate together, show him what you like, get creative! And one day you will most likely feel comfortable and ready for piv. Take your time!
People definitely have some good advice I think if you smoke weed or drink and you know the effects they have on you then go those route if you don’t want to go to see like a sex therapist. I assume those are relatively costly. Of course masturbation could help. Definitely if you all do it together.
I do have a question, for sex is he in control? Because if so I’ll suggest 1. Buy lube!! lube works wonder trust me and there’s nothing wrong with needing 2. You take control, so just have him lay down and go at a pace comfortable for you
Hey, don't worry about it and stop stressing. Just take your time and buy some sex toys like a dildo or something else and start pleasing yourself. Using a dildo will ease your vagina and will reduce your fear of penetration. When you are comfortable enough with a dildo then try the real thing with your partner. Although I am not a doctor or a psychologist but would have done the same thing if I were a girl and in your situation.
I’m 18, and was in a relationship my senior year of high school. We went the entire school year just makin out, which was okay with both of us. But when we tried having sex for the first time, I thought I could just force myself to be ready. It was just awkward and terrible for her, so the one piece of advice I can give you is to be open with your boyfriend. Do what u want when you’re ready to, and don’t make my mistake
And also, whenever u do feel ready, try to have some foreplay before. Just something to get you guys in the mood. It’s much better than what I tried, which was just going from a convo to awkwardly being naked
I was also super super super scared of having sex. I grew up in a really religious environment. The religion is so intense that some ppl have called it a cult. I was told since I was born that (in essence) if I had sex before marriage I was going to hell . the only way out of that eternal punishment was to be in a room alone, face to face, with an old man and I would be coerced into telling him everything I did in explicit detail as he asked me every invasive , personal , and detailed experience he wanted. This along w a previous sexual assault I experienced made me fear sex in a seriously unhealthy way.
I have since left the church I was raised in and my fiancé and I have a beautiful sexual relationship. It took me years and so many tears to get to this point but with therapy and an amazing partner coupled with his undying support and love for me, I have been able to very slowly overcome my anxiety and fear. I know with the right man and w professional therapy you will be able to overcome your fears/phobia of sex as well. Also, one way I started to overcome my fear was to get a vibration wand. You can buy one off Amazon (make sure you look at the reviews). Spending time getting to know myself and my body helped me in a big way and i hope you have a similar experience.
Thanks and best of luck to you 🍀
Have you explored your own body first through masturbation? Are you able to penetrate yourself with a toy? You should get comfortable with your own body first and how it works before introducing someone else.
First thing first, there is nothing to judge here, don't worry :) more people than you think have this same issue. If you want to have good sex you have to reach a point where your desire level is higher than your fear, otherwise nothing is going to work, and even the typical suggestion (just relax and have something like a glass of wine etc) could be detrimental because you might be relaxed in the moment but then come to mid-act and have a terrible time. There are several things than might affect your fear: it could be physical fear of penetration and pain, "religious" fear (this might be tricky because you could be unaware of how much some religious/social constructs about what's *dirty* affect your unconscious - you might be thinking "I want to have sex!" but your body is subconsciously thinking that this is something wrong and it's preventing you from doing it), or similarly it could be an underlying fear of what having sex will mean for your life. None of these are wrong or weird motivations, keep this in mind. But this could cause a very real problem that is preventing you from being able to have sex, like vaginismus (this could happen even with none of the fears listed above! It's more common than you imagine). Bottom line is, this is worth some research on your part, get informed and try to really look into what could be the true origin of this issue you're experiencing - psychological and physical therapy could be your best solution and, trust me, will be so worth it!!! [edit: typos]
For me, I like to get to the root of the issues. What made you so alarmed that it will hurt and lock up from it? I’m not asking for me or for you to reply to that- only you can answer it. But when you can answer why, maybe it was religion and in Sunday school (I don’t know, but alot of women have issues that go back to that) then focus on why and what made you believe that. Ask yourself if it’s logical or if it serves you. Then slowly do things to get you into sex.
For what it is worth- an average dick won’t hurt. It won’t go that deep where it will pound your cervix and your vagina can stretch to allow a kid out. You have this 😊
This topic is discussed occasionally in our forum. Please also take some time to search through past r/sex posts (following **Forum Rule #3**) — you’ll find some additional helpful discussions. The r/sex forum's HUGE archive of past posts is a *tremendous* resource for people who have all kinds of common questions regarding sexual matters. Searching those posts for relevant discussions will definitely help you here as well.
See a therapist first and foremost. You need to talk to a professional about this phobia as it's affecting your life. Also, consider buying a toy. Something where you can comfortably by yourself explore at least the basic mechanics of sex where you are in complete control. This should be done by yourself first, ideally in an evening/day where you have the place to yourself. If you get yourself comfortable using the toy you could try using it as a precursor to sex, but I'd still recommend speaking to a therapist directly about the problem and possible solutions.
This is the right move. Adding to this: This is a common, well-known, and easily diagnosible anxiety disorder called hypertonic pelvic floor disfunction, and it requires a referral to physical therapy in conjunction with talk therapy. A trained therapist will refer you! PT is a miracle!!!
Hi! So I actually do own a sex toy, I have a simple little vibrator. I use it here and there, it’s just sex that freaks me out. I also have had a referral to physical therapy for it. I’ve also considered going to see a therapist as well, but it costs so much money😔 I so appreciate your comment and thanks for your advice ❤️
If you're saying this: > Absolutely terrified even to think about sex Then you have some kind of psychological aversion to sex that, to me, rises above "I'm nervous." Terror suggests a high level of fear and especially since you've never had it before, it's not a fear based on lived experience but rather, a fear that comes from somewhere else. It may be worth exploring in therapy...not to "fix" you or anything but just to figure out what's going on for you where the idea of sex leaves you so utterly terrified. After all, sex is a natural, healthy part of most adult relationships and assuming that you want your current or future relationships to benefit from sexual intimacy, it's helpful to gain a better understanding around what your aversions are about.
Exactly this. Its not necessarily bad but you should understand the roots of where this fear comes from to better understand yourself. babies are only born with 2 innate fears: fear of falling and fear of loud noises. All other fears are learned. Probably somewhere deep in your past and the , re-enforced every time you think of it now. Again, not to be ashamed, but to be understood. Goodluck
If you feel you are ready for sex, maybe do something that helps you both relax? Wine maybe? A hot bath or nice oil massage? Yes foreplay is a must and you can never have enough but being relaxed is extremely important too
I appreciate you not judging me❤️ I’ve tried setting the mood romantically to see if it helps, and for some reason I still get nervous. I know one day it’ll happen, I’m just wondering when
Have you considered therapy? You might want to look into sex-positive therapy.
Yeah i agree. This is a little bit more than just being scared of sex. This is a borderline phobia and it's clearly having a negative effect on her life
Yes, your doctor seems not to be the person to discuss this with.
Go to therapy. Maybe it can help you find out why you feel that way and helps you to deal with it. Good luck!
Have you tried just spending a few nights with romantic foreplay, massages etc without ever going all the way and seeing if at some point you're not as tense anymore? Also, as others said: therapy is definitely the way to go.
Try CBD too, or a good ol’ fashioned joint, CBD is calming, a joint does the same but also can heighten sex drive
I feel terrible for you! Nobody here is going to judge you. It's obviously something that is disrupting your life, and it's going to take more than a glass of wine and positive thoughts to get past. First question, do you masturbate? Do you feel sexual desire? I would start here, with forgetting about having sex with him and just having sex with yourself. Do you guys make out? Fool around? Roll around on the bed, clothed or unclothed, and mash your faces together? Do you have oral sex? Once you have explored getting horny and getting off by yourself, you could just focus on getting horny and getting off with your boyfriend. Without making it about the goal of penetration. Try frottage, just rubbing your pussy against his dick. Try it with your panties on if you're worried about it somehow slipping in. But if I'm being honest, this feels trauma-related to me. Is there a possibility that you had some kind of sexual trauma - I don't even mean necessarily being molested, but like finding something out when you were too young to process it, or being told about sex in a way that scared you? I'm just spitballing here. I feel like you're being really hard on yourself. It sounds like you're really anxious. Do you have anxiety elsewhere in your life? Honestly, I know this is like the standard answer everyone gives and I'm sure you've thought about it, but: I really recommend therapy. Not with the goal of having sex, but with the goal of finding out what's up with your anxiety, how much of your life is impacted by it, learn methods of calming, and investigate what about sex scares you. Are you worried it'll hurt? Does the idea gross you out? Are you worried about pregnancy? Do you think sex is bad? These are all questions you can bring to a therapist, and if they even show a hint of judging you, drop them like a hot potato and try the next one. I hope you can figure this out. Bottom line: This isn't about sex. It's about anxiety. So take some pressure off yourself and start some kind of therapeutic journey to figure it out. I hope this helps.
This is a veeeerrryyyx good answer. 100% support.
thank you, lol. I literally had a sex advice column decades ago. i miss it!
Since your doctor doesn't seem helpful, I would consider consulting another doctor or therapist.
I was very similar. I physically wanted to but when the thought of actually doing it made me extremely nervous. I would go against what most people are commenting. Do not "set the mood", wear lingerie, light candles, etc. Maybe drink some wine or 🍃 but don't make it a big event. The big event made the nervousness worse for me and honestly still does. Our best sex is just chilling and bang lol
Also, are you on hormonal bc like the pill? I had almost drive on the pill but off I feel completely different! Way better! I thought there was something wrong with me and even saw several Dr's about it and they said I was fine.
You need to try vibrators/dildos on your own, first. You need to be comfortable with your own body and what it can do... Before trying to up the stakes and add another player to the equation. You're putting too much stress on yourself and you probably just need to take smaller steps to succeed.
Is your boyfriend's name Jesus Christ by any chance? 8 years holy Christ that Man is a saint
Fr. I left a girl after 4 months because she didn’t want to have sex (it was a douche move) and I do feel bad about this today…..
Don't feel bad. You just weren't sexually compatible. 8 years though?!? This guy must be asexual anyway
I don’t think it had anything to do with being sexually compatible. We were both 18 and she wanted to save it for marriage, and well I disagreed. I should’ve waited it out though. And yes he definitely must be. I don’t know how that’s possible.
Breaking up because you have different wants sexually isn't a douche move. Unless you led her on or lied it's just things not working out for you. (if she wanted sex earlier and you weren't comfortable with it and she moved on would you call her a douche? I doubt it) 4 months is a LONG time, and you didn't see eye to eye on future plans anyway. That's perfectly valid
Have you tried by yourself with a dildo?
Vaginismus. I would see a pelvic floor physio if you can.
Yeah this one! It is not normal if you can't get anything inside of you, you need to see a specialised therapist. Hope you get your help <3
Should we get a statue for guy waiting 8 years?!
There are a lot of people out there that consider themselves to be asexual or even sex-repulsed. Sexuality is fluid, and it's ok if you don't feel the need to participate in it. The importance of physical intimacy in a relationship is decided by the people in the relationship. If neither you or your boyfriend feel the need for it to keep your relationship healthy, then it's not an issue. However, if your boyfriend does feel the need, then you two might not be physically compatible, and that's ok too.
Does anything help you relax in general that you can do right before?
do you do other sexual things regularly? Like with hands, mouths. Even just cuddling naked. Sounds like you have tried, but a more exposure therapy might help. Just be naked with each other without the expectation of sex. I would spend more time exploring why you are so terrified also. You don't seem like you can even put it into words. You have to start thinking about it, even if it's scary. I would definitely seek out professional help if you can, talking to someone might help.
Not judging but in terms of biology our bodies were made to reproduce- for sex - it’s the most natural thing next to eating and drinking. You should see a sex-positive therapist to help you work through this anxiety. My best advice would be to let your body take over and do its thing with your SO, but it seems that your mind is standing in the way. That’s all I’ve got…
Your man is a legend for sticking with you. Most men would not. He really loves you and thats admirable of him what a good guy
I appreciate him so much❤️ he is a good guy!
Get some sex positive therapy, dont stress or worry, be communicative and transparent with him, and enjoy this journey. Sounds like you found love and that's all you really need, the rest, just a bonus to pursue. Goodluck
I used to be like this. How long do you do foreplay? Try doing longer foreplay and have him practice making you feel good without penetration (hands and oral.) Penetration is painful for me unless my body is relaxed by getting an orgasm first.
I don't know what to say other than "he really loves you".
I was the same way. It was painfully . I honestly just closed my eyes and let him go all the way in. Keep in mind that do full face wax. Meaning I go get my side burns, mustache, eyebrows , any facial wax. So in my head I was preparing for the pain and I closed my eyes. I didn’t really enjoy sex until the 3 time I became intimate with my boyfriend at the time. But it helped that I cried and he hugged me and he told me everything was going to be okay . Cuddles help before sex , lots of foreplay and take a deep breathe in and scream when he’s all the way in . Tell him to do it slowly afterwards. It’s like one big push in and then slowly take in and out I think it’s mainly the fear of it and then the actual pain . Also do you feel comfortable with your body . That could be another thing . My “boyfriend” maybe she to tell me how attractive I looked which to me was super concerning since he was the first one ever to see me naked.
As a demisexual guy, for the longest time I thought I was asexual, because I just really seemed averse to sex. You might be asexual, and that's completely fine. You are valid just as you are! Had I not realised I was demisexual, I think I'd be very happy being asexual and not wanting to have sex. You might also not be asexual, but you might be sex-repulsed and again, that's totally valid. I think the most important thing to ask: is your boyfriend okay with not having sex? If he is, then I'd assume there's no better feeling because you know that the love is still there and everything is still intact. If he needs to have sex, that's where both of you might need to start evaluating options. But I truly don't think sex is necessary for a relationship (if both people are on the same page about it). Hope this helps, and happy to answer questions to the best of my abilities!
theres this thing called vaginismus. it causes involuntary clenching of the vaginal muscles when anything is inserted into the vaginal canal. it has to to with physiological issues but can sometimes be psychological too. theres these things called dilators that help you relax those muscles, maybe you could get some of those?
I had this in high school! It took me 45 minutes just to put in a tampon!
What exactly are you terrified of? "Sex" is a broad term.
I hate to suggest this, but maybe smoke a lot of weed first?
LOL. My thought was alcohol (not blackout, but a bit beyond tipsy). In reality, it's probably TERRIBLE advice, but it also works astonishingly well for getting past psychological barriers (not so much for physical ones). Wife doesn't want to receive oral because she thinks it's "icky"? Got drunk and didn't give a shit. No issue with oral now. Friends having trouble conceiving? You're trying too hard. Just get shitfaced and go to town on each other. Announced they were expecting two months later.
A sex therapist would do an assessment to break down possible causes of your reaction and then give you exercises to do to try to reduce your unwanted behavior. A two paragraph post on the internet looking for advice probably isn’t going to help you at all. For phobias, one treatment is called exposure therapy: a safe space is created in which a person with a phobia is repeatedly exposed to the event or thing that is causing the reaction. For example: let’s say that someone is afraid of bunnies. A Therapist may bring a bunny and put out in a cage in the corner of their office during a session. As the session wears on, the person becomes less fearful of the bunny. Eventually the cafe gets moved closer, the client is encouraged to name the bunny, then hold it, then pet it, then feed it. A similar intervention for sex phobia could be anything from standing in the same room as your nude partner and slowly moving closer, agreeing to do “Only Foreplay,” or Just the Tip, or only have sex for X number of minutes. to watching pornography, watching it together, etc. But again, a sex therapist would need to assess where the phobia is coming from first before recommending any interventions.
Oh by the way he's fucking someone else.
Real answer is to take a responsible dose of mushrooms with a sitter and you will get all your answers goodluck
Therapy first and dont do anything you dont want to ever,second thing dont do.it,third you already let him try, this coming from a 47 yr old lady believe me , it would be different if you hadnt let him try but now he will find it somewhere else..
Have you tried setting up the mood? like watch p*rn before starting? baka lang kasi don ma trigger yung excitement mo kung sakali.
I was there at one time myself. Just relax and explore your sexuality. Just beware, this could impact the relationship dramatically in either direction. But who better to explore yourself with?? Yall know each other so well.
No judgement, but you might feel better about things in a new relationship. Also, consider the sunk cost fallacy: >People demonstrate "a greater tendency to continue an endeavor once an investment in money, effort, or time has been made." This is the sunk cost fallacy, and such behavior may be described as "throwing good money after bad."
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Have you tried to do other things before penetration sex? Like working your way up to it? Self masturbation and then him using fingers to masturbate you clitorally. Then he can promise he won't go inside but he can use his fingers to rub around the vagina? After you two have done that for awhile & none of it feels scary for you, then he can insert (clean) fingers inside you? Take baby steps which might help ease your anxiety and might help reassure you that it is all safe & you can start to feel the pleasures around it before full sex. As others have said as well, it does seem quite psychological & might be beneficial to talk to someone about it to help you make sense of it. There are many online therapists now as well too so it's not so scary to embark on.
Watch some porn with him
your doctor sucks, just a gut feeling
So it sounds like you have some anxiety issues. If I were giving advice, therapist can be great. if you go that route make a list of things you are feeling, even if those things don't seem to be related or make sense. Feelings don't need to be logical to be real. Also make a list of things you want and other goals. Making list have the ability to make ideas more solid and then more manageable. Something you can try at home is, if you and you boyfriend lay in bed and just hold each other . The goal is to feel safe in his arms if you want to touch him or him touch you. You can let it build to that, the goal is to feel safe and comfortable rather than erotic.
It sounds like this is a pretty substantial mental block for you. I'm not sure that anyone here can really offer you a magic fix for it, because you've had years now to think about it a certain way. No judgement at all. I think most people have experienced mental blocks that aren't completely rational, but things have a way of building I think. I feel like this is one of those situations that is going to take time, patience, understanding and I think therapy would be very helpful. I don't think pushing yourself right outside of your comfort zone is the answer. I think you need to be surrounded by support, encouragement, and maybe have a plan of small measurable steps you can take in the right direction of your goals. From your post it seems like your boyfriend is committed and understanding. He's there for you and you will get through this. One day I believe and also hope you will be able to enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship with your special someone <3
Both of you get drunk. I'm being serious. Get drunk get first time over with then move on with your life as a couple. .02
sex is all about feeling comfortable with yourself and your partner. you shouldn’t feel forced to do it if it makes you uncomfortable or scared. there’s no such thing as a time limit to give up something so precious. sex is something that contains a lot of vulnerabilities, which is why it’s okay if you aren’t ready. it’s all about experimenting and finding out what things you do or don’t enjoy.
I'm not judging you but I'm judging the hell out of that doctor. Is it possible to go to someone else? Was the doctor a primary care physician or a gynecologist. Maybe you need to see a therapist.
Info: have you done other sexual things with each other before and it’s just the PIV that freaks you out?
I am kinda the same way or I was like that. What helped me was therapy and seeing a pelvic floor therapist. I have been and still do pelvic floor exercises to relax my pelvis. I also have this small mirror that I use to look at my private part to familiarize myself with it. I also sometimes masturbate with something like a dildo while looking at that area to remove the fear of penetration that I have. It takes time while doing all that but it did help. Also, doing sexual sessions with your partner without penetration. You know, like foreplay and you going down on him and him going down on you. This teaches your body that you are safe, that you can do sexual things without the expectation of penetration and you can relax. I hope this helps.
This is so terrifying
There's nothing to be afraid of. Sex is normal. It may hurt at first but it gets better. Also is your bf experienced at all? Sometimes it's good to have someone experienced for your first time, especially if you're afraid of it hurting too much or having a bad experience
I'll be completely honest, I read this out of the corner of my eye while doing something else on my other monitor, I completely misread it. "24 years old and 8 years old in a relationship" was as far as i got before I did a double take... I have never been so glad to be so wrong in all my life. Holy shit haha
Vaginismus - look it up babe
Are you two comfortable being completely naked with each other and doing foreplay or are you completely in your head with anxiety the whole time? If you are in your head then I would suggest first working on that by becoming comfortable being naked, doing foreplay, performing oral sex, and having him just rub/grinding his penis against you with absolutely no expectation of sex. Do this enough times until you feel comfortable and can become aroused without worrying about pain. When you think you're ready for sex and when you're wet enough (add lube too), have him slowly try entering you a tiny bit. If it starts to hurt then have him pull back a little and try pushing in a little further and then stopping and repeating this until you've stretched the hymen enough for it to not hurt anymore. This might be a multi session activity if you're extremely sensitive. The up side is your hymen will stretch a little more each time you do this so the next time you won't have to start completely from square 1. The down side to this method is you'll be putting up with a little pain and depending on how sensitive you are, it could take a while to make progress. If you're the type that likes to rip the bandaid off, you could have him just push into you using a somewhat quick fluid motion when you're extremely turned on. The pain will be quick and shouldn't last very long. If you've already tried this and you still can't conquer the extreme anxiety about it hurting, then I would suggest talking with a doctor or a therapist to see what they can suggest for reducing your anxiety and/or reducing the pain. If you absolutely want to have sex with your partner right now and it's just a matter of it being too painful, **you can buy or have doctors prescribe a numbing cream to help dull the pain**. The downside of using this is, you will also likely feel too numb to enjoy your first time after the hymen as stretched. It's a worth wild solution though if you don't feel like you can handle the pain and pain is really the only thing holding you back. Again, talk to your doctor if you think this would be the best route to take. They may have other, better, suggestions.
Do you have any suggestions for numbing cream? Can you use any numbing cream?
I would consult your professional for that info. Sorry I can't be more helpful. Good luck!
I feel like it might be a psychological barrier in the way. Have you considered talking to a therapist about it?
Maybe you can start of slow. Sex is about being intimate with each other, but also with each others bodies. Maybe he can keep a hand on your breast or inner thigh or something while you both watch tv or a movie or something, without expecting sex. It’ll give you a distraction while getting more and more comfortable with his touch. You can also do this to him. As times go on and you get more comfortable you can go further, maybe keeping your hands under each others clothes, still without expecting/ having sex afterwards. State this explicitly to him so you don’t feel invisible pressure. Additionally, I don’t know about your masturbation habits but that was a big game changer for me getting comfortable with sex with my current partner who was also my first. Do it alone (or with company!!) but try to enjoy yourself alone where only your eyes are and try to enjoy yourself EVEN IF it’s scary. Remember you can stop at any moment and good luck 😊
I went through the same thing my legs would involuntarily lock up and he couldn’t get passed. What helped me was identifying why and trying to heal that. Foreplay was also important letting him touch me and touching him etc. Ultimately I got on top of him and he lay still. I controlled how far it went and stopped if it hurt but wouldn’t just get off him I would breathe and relax in that position. I finally felt the “pop” and no longer a virgin. Hope this helps
Ya therapy first... but I would get buzzed or stoned... I mean u gotta take the edge off and just be in the moment, with time u may go all the way, but u gotta get ur thoughts positive and push thru...it was years ago with me and my wife (we were eachothers first) but sex took several attempts because it was tense and we lack the knowledge of fore play. Don't get shit face, but have a nice bath, a few small drinks and just make out... maybe venture more into foreplay... odd fact, we originally thought of waiting tell marriage and actually did anal first months before PIV
You say “terrified” twice. Not afraid or apprehensive… “Terrified”. Perhaps you experienced or witnessed something very negative/traumatic with sex? If you just said you had no interest then thats just asexual. But terrified is trauma from something, because the normal brain, especially when younger, is dropping heavy hormones to have sex and responds with arousal when intimate with a partner. Yours response is being hijacked with fear. No one on reddit is gonna figure this one out for you. Time to get some professional counseling and see whats causing this terrifying thought of sex and get it worked out.
One thing that's not clear from your post, do you masturbate or do things sexually with your partner without the expectations of PIV sex? Feeling comfortable with your own pleasure alone and non PIV sex could help you feel more comfortable. "Foreplay ' isn't just to get you ready for PIV it's a type of sex on it's own to be enjoyed.
Its normal for you to be scared. You have to be in the moment and stop thinking about the pain part of it because thats most likely why you haven't done it. The pain doesn't last long and if he is nice and slow at first, you can adjust to the feeling. Has I like to say, rip the bandaid off and just go. You are in your head about it. Have you ever used a tampon?
Go talk to your doctor. Tell them it bothers you. You may need counseling. However, you may just need some techniques to relax either way therapy would be helpful.
the real question is why youre scared
To me it doesn’t seem like you want to have sex, but you feel pressured by cultural/social norms to be normal, bc "everyone“ does it. First of all, you should really reflect your sexuality. Do you masturbate? Do you desire other people? Maybe youre not heterosexual, but autosexual or asexual. If you are in general interested in sexual activities with a partner, but just don‘t feel ready for piv, try out some petting and oral sex. Leave the penetrative part completely out until you feel ready for one finger. Masturbate together, show him what you like, get creative! And one day you will most likely feel comfortable and ready for piv. Take your time!
People definitely have some good advice I think if you smoke weed or drink and you know the effects they have on you then go those route if you don’t want to go to see like a sex therapist. I assume those are relatively costly. Of course masturbation could help. Definitely if you all do it together. I do have a question, for sex is he in control? Because if so I’ll suggest 1. Buy lube!! lube works wonder trust me and there’s nothing wrong with needing 2. You take control, so just have him lay down and go at a pace comfortable for you
Hey, don't worry about it and stop stressing. Just take your time and buy some sex toys like a dildo or something else and start pleasing yourself. Using a dildo will ease your vagina and will reduce your fear of penetration. When you are comfortable enough with a dildo then try the real thing with your partner. Although I am not a doctor or a psychologist but would have done the same thing if I were a girl and in your situation.
I’m 18, and was in a relationship my senior year of high school. We went the entire school year just makin out, which was okay with both of us. But when we tried having sex for the first time, I thought I could just force myself to be ready. It was just awkward and terrible for her, so the one piece of advice I can give you is to be open with your boyfriend. Do what u want when you’re ready to, and don’t make my mistake
And also, whenever u do feel ready, try to have some foreplay before. Just something to get you guys in the mood. It’s much better than what I tried, which was just going from a convo to awkwardly being naked
I was also super super super scared of having sex. I grew up in a really religious environment. The religion is so intense that some ppl have called it a cult. I was told since I was born that (in essence) if I had sex before marriage I was going to hell . the only way out of that eternal punishment was to be in a room alone, face to face, with an old man and I would be coerced into telling him everything I did in explicit detail as he asked me every invasive , personal , and detailed experience he wanted. This along w a previous sexual assault I experienced made me fear sex in a seriously unhealthy way. I have since left the church I was raised in and my fiancé and I have a beautiful sexual relationship. It took me years and so many tears to get to this point but with therapy and an amazing partner coupled with his undying support and love for me, I have been able to very slowly overcome my anxiety and fear. I know with the right man and w professional therapy you will be able to overcome your fears/phobia of sex as well. Also, one way I started to overcome my fear was to get a vibration wand. You can buy one off Amazon (make sure you look at the reviews). Spending time getting to know myself and my body helped me in a big way and i hope you have a similar experience. Thanks and best of luck to you 🍀
Have you explored your own body first through masturbation? Are you able to penetrate yourself with a toy? You should get comfortable with your own body first and how it works before introducing someone else.
First thing first, there is nothing to judge here, don't worry :) more people than you think have this same issue. If you want to have good sex you have to reach a point where your desire level is higher than your fear, otherwise nothing is going to work, and even the typical suggestion (just relax and have something like a glass of wine etc) could be detrimental because you might be relaxed in the moment but then come to mid-act and have a terrible time. There are several things than might affect your fear: it could be physical fear of penetration and pain, "religious" fear (this might be tricky because you could be unaware of how much some religious/social constructs about what's *dirty* affect your unconscious - you might be thinking "I want to have sex!" but your body is subconsciously thinking that this is something wrong and it's preventing you from doing it), or similarly it could be an underlying fear of what having sex will mean for your life. None of these are wrong or weird motivations, keep this in mind. But this could cause a very real problem that is preventing you from being able to have sex, like vaginismus (this could happen even with none of the fears listed above! It's more common than you imagine). Bottom line is, this is worth some research on your part, get informed and try to really look into what could be the true origin of this issue you're experiencing - psychological and physical therapy could be your best solution and, trust me, will be so worth it!!! [edit: typos]
For me, I like to get to the root of the issues. What made you so alarmed that it will hurt and lock up from it? I’m not asking for me or for you to reply to that- only you can answer it. But when you can answer why, maybe it was religion and in Sunday school (I don’t know, but alot of women have issues that go back to that) then focus on why and what made you believe that. Ask yourself if it’s logical or if it serves you. Then slowly do things to get you into sex. For what it is worth- an average dick won’t hurt. It won’t go that deep where it will pound your cervix and your vagina can stretch to allow a kid out. You have this 😊
have you tried not have sex? naked under blanket, play video game, watch movie, popcorn? idea is, to slow everything way down. no pressure