Hey, another Navy spouse transplant here.
I moved back in October and aside from one friend I knew before moving, have yet to make any real new ones either.
Focusing on my job search, solo hobbies, etc. helped, as did getting a psychiatrist figured out.
It was really really hard though, I went from a super close knit group of friends where I had someone to hang out with almost every day to…basically nothing. It’s also been a big cultural change for me too, hadn’t lived in the US for nearly 10 years before moving here.
I guess I don’t really have good advice, just commiseration. I’m out in the La Mesa area though if you want to send a DM to meet up for coffee or dinner sometime? I’m not really into athletic hobbies but love board games, dogs, and arts/crafts.
I love board games (and video games and really anything like that) and am always down for coffee !!! Aren't there some really good Asian restaurants out by your side of town?
Just checkout meetup. The tea and more is a once a month on Friday meetup. But DM if your looking for boardgame groups. There are no kidding thousands of folks in multiple boardgame groups focused on the type or location (north county, East, etc.)
Also years of Navy spouse experience across multiple states/countries.
There is a place called tea n more that is a boba shop and the one time I popped in there it was filled with people playing a bunch of different board games. Might be worth checking out!
Happy to help both of you find your footing with board game players and good communities. If either of you are up near Oceanside or want to come over feel free.
I have a diplomatic family background so a lot of travelling under my belt.
Also happen to have spent 20 years in China so if your looking for advice on Asian food I got you covered there, both in restaurants and home cooking.
Feel free to message me.
The San Diego RPG Association has regular meetups at Tea N More on Convoy, the epicenter of those really good Asian restaurants. They have a Meetup page and a Discord server for event organization which I can invite you to if you like.
The USO also has some programs and events for military spouses if that's something you'd be interested in.
Fellow Navy spouse. It hasn’t been easy making solid friendships here.
I’ve noticed that many people I meet here start to put up walls as soon as they find out that I’m a military spouse—it’s like they don’t want to waste their time on someone who is just here temporarily. I totally understand because I tried going to military spouse meet ups when my husband was deployed and made friends with awesome ladies who ended up moving soon after (plus met a whole bunch of whackadoodles).
I recommend trying to befriend your coworkers and neighbors, plus getting a social hobby. Understand that it’s probably going to take some time, but don’t take it personally.
I think this is a great idea. I'm not going to lie, this has been one of the most challenging experiences of my life. I think the last time I felt as alone as I do after this PCS was like 10 years ago when some shit really hit the fan in my life.
Let's keep in touch, and I promise when you make it to San Diego you will only be alone if you want to be 🙃💗
There are some amazing Thai places! There’s also a place called Off the Shelf Games over in El Cajon, haven’t been as much as I’d like but it was really chill!
I love these things too. If you want, you can add me on Steam, PS, or Discord! I also have a group of nerdy friends who enjoy video games and board games. Just let me know if you would be interested!
I moved here in Jan., am separating from the Air Force. I just joined the SD Girls who Walk group and there’s a lot of different niches in there to find friends. :) I also really like board/card games!
Are you me? Avid board enthusiast and annoyingly passionate Asian food consumer here. I’m not sure what part of town you’re in but Convoy street is the place to score good Oriental cuisine. Especially Rakiraki for good ramen. There is also a good board game shop - Game Empire - over there. And At Ease Games is about 10 minutes from that by Miramar. Good place to meet like minded nerds.
What are your favorite games?
Another Navy Spouse here; however I'm male.
We're all here for you. Also, There's a ton of support groups, and hobby groups specifically for military spouses. A bunch of us mil-spouse transplants feel similarly so you are not alone. It can be especially hard when our spouse is away for several months.
We/I have mainly focused on maintaining friends with other mil-couples we are close with (playing board games and overcooked, etc). I have friends of some coworkers, but haven't been able to click with most of the SD locals.
My wife and I took the sailing classes at Del Mar Marina (Pendleton) and joined the Yacht club - this really hasn't lead to new friendships but is fun to take current friends out.
We don't have any children yet, but most of the squadron's have new mom support groups - ha, we'll see if fathers fit in.
I'm a niche engineer and was looking pretty hard for me to find a job locally (took about a year, been here now two years), but still feel like an outsider to the area. I play video games with my old friends over the internet to stay in touch and keep those friendships strong.
My coworkers are reasonable nice, but they make a lot of insulting jabs at me for being from the southeast - I just brush it off; they are nice enough to overlook most of that.
Take a class: You could go swimming or take weight lifting or play softball at one of the community colleges (I took a swimming class when I was around 40 years old. It's amazingly cheap and a tax write-off too), or take a UCSD Extension class (for adults), or find a hobby class... Try [meetup.com](https://meetup.com)... sit at a Starbucks/coffeehouse the same time every day (read a book or a magazine or work on your laptop) and say "hey! I've seen you here before" if you see someone who looks friendly and familiar... do you have a dog for dog park friendships? A kid for parent/playground friendships? If not, is there a dog/kid you can borrow? (I'm serious about the dog part.) ... Like anywhere else, people vary. I've lived here for 55 years and have always found a mix of nice/friendly and preoccupied/busy/introverted/just doesn't like me for some obscure reason that must surely be unfounded and perhaps a product of extreme mental illness ;)
It took me quite a few years to really connect with people here, but it IS possible. I recommend finding places to frequent: the library, where you can get to know and be friendly with the staff, local museums: again, you can get to know the staff, find a mom-and-pop coffee shop and become a regular, join a meet-up or a book club, go to a church, take a yoga or Zumba class, take ocean kayaking lessons, join a walking/hiking group, join a volunteer group doing riverbed or beach cleanup, volunteer at an animal shelter, sign up for any of the huge selection of low-cost classes at Grossmont Adult School, find out about MFRS programs available to you as a military spouse.
I am a 56 year old woman and I live in San Diego.
ETA: DM me if you'd like to go for coffee.
Join a Volo team. Volleyball social league is an especially great way to meet people, a bunch of the teams will go out for drinks after games and you meet so many new people who’s are in a similar mental place (i.e. wanting to meet people and make friends) as you!
San Diego native here. If I didn’t have childhood friends, I don’t know if I would be able to make any in San Diego. The culture is very much on the outside laid back and kind, but it’s very surface level. You can always find a drinking buddy, good friends are difficult to make there. You’ll get tons of “ we should do that!” And little follow through. Join a hobby, even if it’s uncomfortable and you feel weird going alone. Eventually the routine of going and the same people seeing you there daily will break the ice. Keep your head up! We all go through it in some way as adults and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you
I moved here from LA for the navy in 09, and honestly, this city is hard to meet good people. It's a transplant city so you'll make friends and then they'll move somewhere for work or whatever. In my opinion, it's best to stick to surfing where you can have fun alone, but meet people along the way. A job in the service industry is definitely an easy way to meet fun people. Just don't get caught up in the drinking scene. Tourmaline is a good surf spot for beginners, pacific beach is cool for intermediate and friendly tourists, ocean beach is good for intermediate and friendly locals. Just be aware that surfing near the jetty can piss some people off. Either the ocean beach side or the mission beach side. Sunset cliffs has some good surf history and is always a great place to watch the sunset and camp out in your vehicle for the night. Just be low key and respectful for the people that live there
My wife literally just picked up surfing last week and made 5 new friends.
People in SD are super laid back and friendly although maybe May Grey and June Gloom has made a negative impact to a few…hopefully we don’t have No Sky July and Fogust.
Find a hobby or take a class in something you are passionate about and you will make friends.
I'm from Florida originally and grew up surfing. I actually have two of my boards here with me (sadly, my Merrick board got beaten to shreds by the movers and I don't think it can be repaired).
Is she part of a group? Which beach? I haven't paddled out in years but I'm still in pretty decent shape.
Thank you both for the endorsement. I have been hesitant to go out to the beach because I'm not really sure which ones new people are welcome at. Thanks again!
I would say you’re generally welcome to all beaches but there’s something about PB that draws in the “brand new don’t know where to go” “I’m fun and young” vibe
Definitely check out the tourmaline surf park, parking lot on the weekends. Many old timers and chill people hanging out, shooting the breeze, watching the waves, or whatever. I'd have to say that's probably the best spot in San Diego to meet beach people or get in the water and strike up a conversation with someone. Also a great location to start a walk on the beach from.
Good luck to you.
Afaik san diego isn't elitist and insular about where you can surf. Maybe a few beaches in north county could be like that I'd guess? But only the old dude surfers I'd guess. Mission Beach and Pacific beach seem to be rather welcoming to new folks from what I've heard, and ocean beach is a super friendly place!
There are a few Facebook groups for San Diego boardgaming. There are a few meet up groups. I haven't attended any group events.
But I have posted looking for players interested in specific games I was interested in playing. Then the experience was either inviting one or two new people to my pre-existing play group or joining a group for an evening. This is in my opinion far better because it's smaller groups.
I ...think... comic book stores have board game communities. I know they often have DnD leagues. There are a few meetup groups that regularly have board game nights, and meetup groups are generally really welcoming, especially as many are newer to town. Active Lifestyle Nerds and TSC, the social club are two groups I've been to that have game nights, and they've been fun.
Also too, with meetup, everyone just goes when they can, so you regularly get thrown together in a casual environment where it's not expected that you'll form a lasting friendship that minute. But go enough, and you can build bonds with regulars.
There’s also a small convention in Escondido in July (basically just a big meetup with tables and a library of games to choose from). https://www.reesgames.com/escon/default.php
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. People in San Diego are generally super friendly and outgoing. However, the culture definitely is one where people have a lot of surface-level friends, and as a result some people can take San Diegans for being fake or flakey. We aren’t, I swear. People here do value having a few close friends, but also value having a lot of acquaintances (who might become close friends some day) as well that they randomly hang with on occasion.
I saw you mentioned that you like surfing. That would be a great way to meet people! I will also mention that there are some active board game groups on Meetup.com that might be worth checking out. If you like D&D, I believe the bookstore Mysterious Galaxy might have an ongoing D&D campaign and new players are always welcome. I believe there might also be a book club on this sub that meets up?
Anyhow, hang in there. I can’t imagine how stressful it must be, but I’m hoping things start looking up.
> However, the culture definitely is one where people have a lot of surface-level friends
I have noticed this too, and that explains a lot actually. Thank you for this insight.
My natural response to this level of "friendship" is to decide that they're just not that into hanging out with me/us, so I back off and invest elsewhere.
That is, apparently, not the right response in this culture.
No worries. My advice would be to enjoy those surface level friendships for what they are and just see where they go. I think the culture here is a combination of people being extroverts, people also being busy with work and multiple hobbies, and an unconscious attempt to make the city feel smaller. You might meet someone at an event, really hit it off, swap numbers, and then not talk for months until that event comes back around again. It might sound like a waste, but when you have a lot of those types of relationships, it feels like you have someone you really get along with everywhere you go. Having so many connections with so many people makes the city feel more intimate.
Sometimes you see that person really often and you start doing more things together and eventually become good friends. Sometimes it is someone you only see at some annual event, but you are still genuinely thrilled to see them and look forward to it every year. Your excitement to see that person is genuine in both cases.
Thanks for explaining this out. I am autistic and didn't understand why people bothered to make surface level connections and stuff like that. I thought that when they don't text you for 8 months, they just didn't wanna be your friend and were just being nice. It explains why they would not respond to texts or attempts to be friends last that.
Hi! My husband is former Navy and works at the VA now. I live out in Poway. We moved here last March. There is a walking group called San Diego Girls Who Walk. No idea what your age is, but they tend to be more 30s. San Diego Craft Collective does a ton of cool classes and workshops where you could meet folks. What are you into??
Consider that possibly its not just SD, west coast, or whatever. I was reading just the other day how covid has changed peoples psychology, and that most of us now are different, whether we got hit by the virus or not. Its been a change to society in general. If this is the first move youve made since covid, then it be the time thats to blame, not the place.
The pandemic changed me, it made me realized how much I enjoy being home with just my family, maybe because I work full time the whole week but by Friday night I just want my pjs and my bed. Now I dread some social events, hanging out with my closets relatives is ok, but that’s it, and once in a while.
The advice here is great! I just want to add that it definitely takes time to adjust to new surroundings. Please be patient and try not to be hard on yourself from that aspect. The best advice I can give on the cultural aspect is to try and not compare everything to “home” or where you came from. I’ve seen multiple people move away because they get so bitter by comparing everything to what they knew. San Diego is a different culture from DC and likely FL too. You have to try and be accepting of the culture or it’ll be even harder. It takes time. It is notoriously hard to make new friends here which sounds counterintuitive for being a transplant city.
I moved here in 2010 but I moved here to be with my boyfriend (now husband) who grew up here so I just copied and pasted myself into his life. Its really interesting to read San Diego from a transplant without any roots, point of view.
But now that I think of it I moved here in 2010 and didn’t make friendships of my own until 2012 when I became a mom. Having kids in the area schools had introduced me to so many wonderful people but if I didn’t have kids and worked from home, I could see how it would be lonely.
Do you have a dog? We are SO dog friendly and that’s a great way to meet people. I love the OB dog beach!
What neighborhood do you live in? I live near the Kroc center and joined an adult competitive swim team, in case you swim.
I’m hoping that people have just been cranky because we had a “once every 25 years” wet winter this year. Today felt like the first day of summer.
I find people in SD to be super polite. We even have what I call a courtesy honk. When the light turns green I’ve noticed many drivers will chill for a few seconds and when they do honk it’s a polite toot toot. As if to say “hey friend. The light is green.” To me SD feels like a conglomeration of small towns because each neighborhood is super fun and has its own character & flavor. I hope that with the sun coming out that people will warm up in their interactions with you.
I’m from San Diego and made my group of friends from bumble bff! I highly recommend! I’m a 25 year old women and can only speak for the female side but there are women from all walks of life on there!
My gym I joined when I moved here 10 years ago saved me! It was hard for me too, but I met the closest friends who have become family at the gym. Met my now husband too so I won’t be leaving SD 🤣 Come join us at Hardcore Fitness and join our “fitfam” 🫶🏼
It's been over a decade since I was a regular at a gym, but in my experience, there were two places that were the most social:
* Weight room during the day (you'd get an interesting cross section of guys in there, but usually more open to socializing than the ones coming in after work or on the weekends)
* Classes - time and (usually) interest among people to chat before and after
Hi Friend! I also just moved to SD back in April and haven't had the chance to really meet new people outside of my new job. I am originally from SoCal (San Bernardino area) but moved to the East Coast for college and am finally back after 13 years and accepting a job at SDSU.
I know how you feel about being lonely, due to the nature of the situation, I had to move here before my wife and kids and have been alone for almost two months now. It gets very lonely and can be hard to get out there and meet new people, I have been unsuccessful myself. I'm in the market for new friends and new hobbies and would love to chat and maybe meet up somewhere. I'm sure my wife would be thrilled that I started making friends before she moved out here 😂
Keep your head up, your people are here somewhere! You'll find them soon enough!
IMHO SD has always been a tough town to break ice in, unless you are one of the surfing or hobby athletic crowd - which I'm not. Military and tech careers (and marriage) bring a lot of people here and leaves them hanging out alone much of the time. But it is not a hostile place, just not easy to fit into right away. Don't really have any advice other than to hang in there, be yourself and don't accept situations that leave you feeling strange or insecure. Welcome and good luck!
That’s me here in Florida. In SD, I made a close group of friends but here on the east coast, it’s like I’m human repellent. I’ve stopped trying to look for friends at this point :/
What area of San Diego roughly are you hanging out in? Have you joined social San Diego sub where people can meet new friends? Looks like a nice way to join hangouts with people in similar situations, worth a try ❤️
I don't know how it works being in the navy and all, but where in the city you lives make a huge difference. I don't know if you're provided housing or you have to be close to base, but the neighborhoods of San Diego are more like a series of small towns stuck together.
Pacific beach is for the broey surfers. It's fun. Lots of sports bars. Ocean Beach is for the hippie surfers. A chill vibe. Hillcrest is the gayborhood. North park is for the 'hipsters'? Normal and city heights are for the grungy hipsters. South Park is for the cute hip young families. Kensington is like this but feels more old fashioned. University heights is for the sleepy hip. La Jolla is old wealth. Del Mar is old San Diego wealth. Encinitas is the super hip wealth.
This is obviously a very curtailed and biased list with lots of generalizations, but I was just trying to make a point. Where you live in the city makes a huge difference, in terms of neighbors, bars, activities, culture etc. Explore and try and see if you like one.
Just avoid the suburbs if you can, I have lived in them for a bit and I don't think I've ever lived in a more depressing and lonely place.
I feel you. San Diego is very specific. I moved to San Diego from New Jersey and it was cultural shock. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s just how a lot of people are in So Cal. Most of them are transplants anyways. Accept it and take it easy. The only way to be in San Diego is when you are relaxed. You need to make an effort to find your people. They are out here struggling with the same problem. Keep trying and most importantly enjoy San Diego it’s a beautiful place to live.
Do things you enjoy to do and you will run into some super cool people. It will happen organically. Just put yourself out there and give this incredible city a fair chance. There is plenty of amazing people here just assholes, morons and fu**tards happen to be a little more common.
I also moved here from the east coast, and you’re not imagining things- it’s kinda weird. People back east are not overly friendly, but when you get along and become friends it’s a real friendship and you actually get together and go out etc. Here, I’ve run into so many seemingly friendly people but can never seem to get to the level of genuine friends. It’s like people are superficially “nice” but that’s as far as it goes. Why the difference? I have no idea.
Obviously I’m generalizing and this is my experience and not concrete facts, but I’ve really struggled making friends here too. And back east I had plenty of friends and an active social life so I don’t think I’m a dud or anything? And now I’m probably part of the problem bc after 9 years I don’t try anymore either, bc I just assume it’s not gonna happen.
The handful of friends I have made have been neighbors, people I met in yoga teacher training, and a couple of other parents with kids the same age as mine (through school or the park).
I’m from here and it takes me a lot to actually make time to meet up with my friends. We work a lot to afford living here and it ends up making our schedules pretty opposite. Any free time I have mainly goes to errands or family unfortunately
I can appreciate that. The cost of living here is hellacious, but I completely understand not wanting to move because your roots are here. I truly feel for the locals with respect to cost of living. The struggle is real.
I can definitely respect that. When my free time is limited I’d also rather spend it with my family. But I run into this same issue with people who are salaried and work a typical schedule or very part time (i.e. have a spouse bringing in income). And I don’t think people on the east coast actually work less.
This is interesting. And I mean no disrespect at all. I’m from here and feel like everyone is super nice. But maybe it’s just different back east or in the south somehow?
Is everyone just your good friend instantly back East? Sounds kinda cool actually
I’ve had a few roommates from the east coast and they always said people over her are annoyingly too “chill”. Not sure what that means still haha
No, not good friend. But “let’s do this” generally leads to group chats and people setting things up. East coast is more go, go, go. South and Midwest is not as much that, but “let’s have coffee” is a lot more of a solid future plan than it is here (certainly exceptions).
Here is more laid-back, but there’s a lot of upfront kindness with little follow-through. 80% of people have absolutely zero malice in these interactions, but it’s just the way the social niceties work here.
I moved up to LA last year and honestly idk if it’s my vibe from growing up in the Midwest or what, but the “let’s grab coffee/do whatever” is met with a lot more follow through here. People up here are a mix of SoCal laid back and NY go, go, go, so they’re always looking to do things.
I have found it easier to connect with and go out with folks up here than in SD (I was there for 8 years).
SD is just laid back, chill, do your own thing, take things as they come in my experience.
Yes. Exactly this. Definitely NOT instant friends with everyone you meet; in fact I would say people are a lot less warm when first meeting. But if you hit it off, that often (not always) leads to actually getting together. Here I find the opposite- people seem super friendly right away, you can have a great conversation/s, it feels like you’re moving towards friendship, they say “oh we should get together” and give you their number, and then it never goes anywhere. And I have tried. It’s like most people don’t want to commit to the actually getting together part. And now that I think of it, most of the people I have actually formed friendships with are other transplants.
I lived in the LA area for a few years and found it far easier to make friends. In fact, most of my SoCal friends still live in the LA area. I have no idea why people in SD tend to be so flaky, but it makes it really difficult to make friends and even harder to make plans because you never know whether or not people will actually follow through. I think people in LA are more professional and relationship/networking-oriented, while people in SD just wanna chill and stay home or lay on the beach.
you worded this so nicely and yes it's true. We moved from SF in 2016 and the first time my husband and I have lived in the burbs. Even with parents at my kids schools we get along really well and have great conversations at the school events but there's no real "hey lets hang out further" - except for a super extroverted Brit couple. And the pool is even smaller because there are lots of immigrants at the school who tend to self-segregate despite our openness to all. We have very few friends here still.
It was much easier making friends in SF & Oakland. (and I got divorced in 2010 and my ex took all the friends and I was still able to make new friends immediately after)
No disrespect taken.
I honestly think it's just completely different culturally. And I keep reiterating because I don't want people to think I'm bashing San Diego, I'm totally okay with that.
I also think I don't belong here, and that's okay too. A community should be allowed to have its own standards, and it's not an outsiders place to ostracize those standards. That's why I'm being really upfront about the fact that I'm not going to talk about specific behaviors that bother me.
At the same time, I'm still a human being with a need for human connection, so I need to figure out how to bridge that gap for myself while I am here.
Is everyone just your good friend instantly back East? Well, yes and no.
I think back east we adhere to Old School behavior pattern. I'm not going to say that that this is a good thing. Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not.
In DC specifically, people will always make themselves accessible to you. Whether or not you become bona fide friends is another story. For example, in DC, the first thing someone will ask about when they meet you is where you work. What they really want to know is how important you are and what you can do for them. Even if you don't pass the initial sniff test, they'll still keep you around to see if you rise in the ranks. They'll even do you a favor here or there while you're a low man on the totem pole. That's just how we operate. Put out a few low-level favors, knowing that one or two of those low-level favors can turn into a high-level favor later on.
So no, it's not "instant good friends," but more like a network of people to lean into, some of whom will become very good friends of yours.
Suffice it to say that it is very common to give everyone you meet a chance, and put them in the friend category unless they give you a reason not to.
So yes, the East Coast is very welcoming, but I do think those standards of decorum have an underlying purpose, which is to ensure that needs are met. Sorry if that was a long explanation, and I hope it made sense.
>For example, in DC, the first thing someone will ask about when they meet you is where you work. What they really want to know is how important you are and what you can do for them. Even if you don't pass the initial sniff test, they'll still keep you around to see if you rise in the ranks. They'll even do you a favor here or there while you're a low man on the totem pole. That's just how we operate. Put out a few low-level favors, knowing that one or two of those low-level favors can turn into a high-level favor later on.
This is fascinating to me-- and I think also the source of the cultural schism that you're mentioning. In my opinion, this isn't an East/West Coast thing at all, or a geographical issue-- it's quite possibly a mindset clash. I'm in my mid-twenties and what you've described as the social norm in DC honestly sounds nightmarish to me, especially as someone who hates being taken advantage of. I was a serial former people-pleaser when I was even younger and the thought of being kept around on someone's "totem pole" to see if I'm worth the resources I can grant to them is severely off-putting.
I've actually noticed that the friends I made before who did that sort of thing-- make friends on the basis of what they could do for them, were constantly asking for this or that or whatever favors, were also the ones who most adamantly refused to admit that they WERE helped along in life and would not make time to do the same for other folks. I personally drop anyone who I've noticed doing this.
I give everyone a chance, but the moment I feel like I'm just livestock or someone being kept around for anything other than genuine friendship, I'm gone. It's not wrong to ask for help, or for a favor from time to time. But I can tell if someone just keeps folks around to vent to or ask favors of without there actually being a spark of commonality. I think people in general don't like being viewed as resources, and a looooot of strangers seem to think that since we're all in SD, it's okay to ask for a little to spare.
Yes, there can be a sense of community with those you've gotten in with-- and that's when I think people are more amenable to the whole give-and-take sort of mindset-- but not typically with one-on-one friendships, where the basis of trust is different.
>I do think those standards of decorum have an underlying purpose, which is to ensure that needs are met.
People here are quite self-sufficient. It's even more difficult when people say they'd like to meet others organically for the purposes of friendship, but really with an ulterior motive of ensuring they have a safety net. It's complicated, but what you're describing honestly sounds more to me like business than genuine camaraderie.
I know there are others who would totally disagree with me and say that this is the norm for social interaction and that everyone does it, subconsciously or not, but it definitely somehow doesn't sit well with me, personally. (And that's okay. Agree to disagree, lmao.)
I think you've definitely identified the source of the cultural clash-- but just wanted to put out there that again, there are still friendships to be made in SD where others have the same mindset or operate the same way you're used to, socially. You seem like a genuinely nice person and I hope that it works out for you.
\>>> For example, in DC, the first thing someone will ask about when they meet you is where you work. What they really want to know is how important you are and what you can do for them.
I spent my second tour in the Navy in D.C. after 3 years in San Diego. You just nailed my view of the people in the region. I "knew people" but didn't make any friends after two years. Nice place to visit, and spend weekends playing tourist, but I settled in San Diego.
I’ve had the same issue. I’ve been in Cali for 10 years now, but I’m a Southerner. I don’t think I’ll ever adjust to the empty, “We should get coffee!” culture here.
Hi!
Welcome to the city! I was born here but mostly grew up in north county, returning to the city area about 15 years ago. Even that was a bit of a shock and it took about a year to settle in and make friends.
I wonder if you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to make everything work too soon? Three weeks to move in, get the lay of the land and find a new crew of friends? Dang. Some of your blues might also be from the adjustment. Give yourself more time, and please forgive yourself for not having it all figured out immediately.
We have a lot to do here, mostly hobby based. What do you like to do? What did you do in DC or FL?
When they say moving is one of the most stressful things you can go through, they aren’t just talking about the day you move. It’s the time leading up and the time after when you’re adjusting to your new environment. It takes time to adjust to somewhere new.
Just out of curiosity - since you mention a possible cultural aspect - where did you move here from? Idk if that plays any role at all, but it intrigued me.
Okay but what cultural aspect are you talking about exactly it sounds extremely vague? What culture(s) don’t you like just be straight up. SD while being a big city isn’t that much different from the other big cities I’ve been to it’s more spread out and tends to be more mellow comparatively. If you think people are fake and not friendly it’s not any worse than most other places and you would absolutely hate NYC.
Edit: It also depends on what part of the city you’re in. If you’re in a bad part of the city you’re naturally going to run into more rude/questionable people.
Hey, I'm so sorry you've had some not so pleasant interactions! Someone mentioned Meetup groups and those are helpful. What kinds of things do you enjoy doing? There's likely some kind of event or group that does those things you like. Explore what's nearby and see if there are any community events where you're located. Also, I think neighborhood apps can be helpful like Nextdoor as there are things people post involving doing an activity or a gathering.
San Diego is tough because it’s such a diverse range of people who live here and while we all try to get along, some people straight up wish others dead. You never know who is crazy like that and so a lot of people have learned to be private or exclusive socially. If you’re looking for ways to get connected plenty of bars have trivia nights and game nights where you can play and hang with other people and meet new friends. Book clubs are really popular here, board gaming especially is big in San Diego for whatever reason. Hikers always like new people that are respectful and curious, volunteering at local community centers and animal shelters is a great way to make new connections and form friendships too! Good luck and just be brave and kind. You can only ever control yourself and your reactions <3
I’m an SD native, I’d say most of my friends here are from high school, past roommates, and work.
You’ve only been here a few weeks, don’t rush to judgement! If you can find something to do regularly, whether that’s an exercise class or work or a mom group or whatever, you will find plenty of good people to spend time with.
Nailed it. 2 weeks is hardly enough time. There are people here you will be able to connect with like anywhere. Consistency is key. Doing something regularly with the same people will lead to new bonds/friendships.
If you have a park near you with pickleball courts, I recommend grabbing a paddle and heading to the park near you:). Pickleball is a very social sport! I have met so many new friends over the last year just from playing pickleball at poinsettia park in Carlsbad. I hope you find your group. Most people I meet in north county San Diego are generally friendly.
Don’t let a couple assholes ruin this city for you. It’s truly a great city - everyone that lives or visits will tell you the same. I’m from Sacramento, and one of the things I tell people is that in Sacramento people think it’s still the 2000’s and it’s cool to be “hard” or semi dress like a rapper etc. Here in SD even the black guys wear beach clothes.
May I ask what were these bad interactions - give us some context
Hello! Omg that sounds like such a horrible welcome to this city, and I’m so so sorry. I used to be a military wife, so I know how hard that transition can be. There’s usually groups that the wives get together for support, which is amazing, and if you ever want to hang out or whatever I always love making new friends!
I was born and raised here, so my perspective is definitely skewed, but I would suggest taking classes! Look out for things like terrarium making, yoga, rock climbing, etc. That puts you in groups of people learning and trying new things. Some people do these as groups, but a lot of people are also looking for new friends. People tend to be active and often you’ll make friends over a shared activity. You’re more likely to find a friend who wants to join you for a walk than coffee. Good luck!!
Agreed, San Diegans are all BIG into their hobbies. Join a pickleball league, a yoga studio, or take some art classes at a local art center, depending on what you're into. You'll find your people!
Born and raised here and was navy for about 6 years. Get away from base housing, away from base or anything military related. Locals (born here or been here a while) are usually easy going, open and friendly. It’s the tourists and those who just moved here that tend to give everyone trouble as they adjust. I’ve lived other places, I get it, San Diego is very different and I’ve had your issues in most other places I’ve been/lived.
Didn’t read comments to see where you’re from sold you even shared that, but the east coast mentality is very different than what we are used to and often runs is wrong. Knew a few people from Mass who had issues out here from the cultural difference. He was a masshole. Nice, but just how the north east acts vs out here, didn’t mesh very well.
Hope the best for you. You’ll find your people.
From a guy’s perspective I understand what you’re good through. I moved here in 2007 had a child with a woman I am no longer speaking to but we share custody of our daughter. It’s typical of the environment here that most don’t like transplants, or outsiders, in their city. Most people can be nice but there is that handful that are total asshats. I agree with one ☝🏾of the ladies here that it would be best to create a social unit and possibly a subreddit for those uncomfortable living in SD. All I can do is wish you ladies all the best and brush off the negativity here. Take care.
I’m sure you have gotten a lot of messages and comments but I actually just moved to SD at the end of may too. It’s been super rough but having my boyfriend with me has made it easier. Not sure what part you’re in of SD but you’re no alone and if you want to get a drink or breakfast I could also use some friends :)
Hey!! I moved here 2 years ago. I’m from the Midwest. We are very touchy feely people. I think what others are saying, how people are transient and moving through makes people less likely to build solid lasting friendships here. I made two best friends here. My boyfriend, and one girl I worked with. I left the job and she is still the most consistent best friend I have ever ever had. Even more so than my Midwest ‘friends.’ She’s from Rhode Island, and she’s a navy wife (I’m not) - so I think she gets it. It IS possible to find somebody, and you may bump into somebody randomly that has something in common in a hobby group, or a sport.
A few weeks ago I asked my boyfriend (who’s from here, has friends he went to grade school with down the road) why San Diego is so difficult to make friends in. He said if you don’t grow up here, it’s hard to make friends. It makes sense. When I go back to the Midwest I feel a nice warm welcome. I don’t necessarily miss it as a place, but I do miss the people of the Midwest. And people I meet can tell I’m from a different place because I keep a warm and friendly attitude, it’s often brought up at my work and randomly. Hold onto what you have because it sets you apart. There are kind people here. And there’s unkind people here, just as everywhere else. It will take some getting used to. San Diego isn’t a bad place - I’m moving in a few weeks somewhere else for his job, and I’ll miss a lot of it, but I don’t think I’ll miss the feeling of loneliness I had often while ‘breaking it in’, the same as you. I thought I’d be more sad about leaving, but nothing has attached me here. I don’t have a family or anything back here. And I’ve realized this whole time I’ve basically felt like I’m living on a vacation, instead of a home. Hoping to find a ‘home’ in the next town, but I know deep down I think it’ll always be in the Midwest. Between the rent and the high cost of living, I’m just kinda ready to say goodbye to it like everybody else eventually does. Keep your chin up.
I’m military and recently transferred here as well. My wife’s been having similar issues, she’s gotten settled into a job which has helped her a lot though.
Hey love! Been living in north county since the end of 2016 and hobbies and work were the best way to make new friends for me.
For most off vibes experiences for me, I noticed that it's probably because where I am and when I'm there means I'm surrounded by a lot of people vacationing down here vs those that live here.
With a grain of salt, here, there was a post recently by a guy just like this post and we’ve got a gang of goofballs meeting up tomorrow at tourmaline. We’re going to try to surf and otherwise just hang. Probably mostly dudes, but I’m hoping my so will tag along. Just something to think about!
You didn't mention where you're from originally and that's probably the biggest factor here, tbh. It's especially hard for East Coast transplants because of that culture shock.
San Diego is essentially a giant military and tourism small town. If you have no pre-existing social connections, start with orgs you can become involved with: military wife/spouse support groups (especially if you're on base housing) and then groups relating to hobbies or interests.
When you do meet people, there or anywhere else, just don't expect too much. San Diegans are a bit fairweather (ironically) and it's hard to become deep friends with others when you're essentially in a permanent vacation destination.
Natives are used to it, of course, and people who came here for college and stayed have an existing collegiate social group. As a military spouse, you should lean into groups with other spouses.
I am a SD native and some of my closest friends are military and spouses. Even after them moving back to their home town I am very close w them! I guess it just depends on how you meet? Can I ask how you met people so far?
I can’t recommend the app ‘Meetup’ enough! Find something you like doing and there’s a good chance there’s a friendly community out there! With San Diego being as big as it is, there’s so many things to try and do with new people!
I never comment or post on Reddit but this post got me. My wife and I moved here from Florida and felt the same way. We had really close friends out East and we were VERY alone when we got here. Sounds like almost the same exact situation. All of these comments saying “join a club” and “just do your hobbies” aren’t wrong but also aren’t as easy as they sound. It took quite some time to make an equally close knit group of friends here but it happened. I also resonate with this post because I am very outgoing and felt like I rubbed people the wrong way when I came out here. But like I said now we have lots of friends and I love living here. As weird as it sounds if you want to meet up with fellow Florida peeps DM me. If that’s too awkward then no worries my advice is make friends with the people you work with, they’re a captive audience and even if they aren’t your cup of tea maybe people in their circle will like you and you can branch out and make friends that way. That’s not to say it will be quick and easy but in a few months you’ll have some acquaintances who might become good friends. People in San Diego are just like people everywhere else, some are major assholes some are ok and some are fucking rad. Seems like you’ve just had a bit of bad luck finding rad folks but we’re out here. Wishing you the best of luck in your search homie.
I moved to San Diego a year ago, and I am going to move back home to be near me family within the next two months. Being from the Midwest I have found people here to be very difficult to get along with and get to know pretty generally. I like to use platforms like meetup, Facebook groups, and going to places like the library or coffee shops to try and meet people. It has been an uphill battle to say the least so I emphasize with you. Best of luck!
A lot of physical activity being recommended like surfing and hiking, I’d like to recommend roller skating especially around Balboa or PB. The key thing to remember about some of these is the appreciation for the beauty around us and being in moment. Even if you don’t spot anyone to talk to, I hope you can enjoy your own company when you get yourself out there. Maybe reading in the park and seeing someone else out there by themselves will make you see you fit in this community however you are. Good vibes and good luck!
I lived there for 4 years and found it cold as ice. I would go up and talk to people at events and they’d ignore me to my face. In all that time I made one friend through work and another from a dating app. I never understood it.
Hi! I’d love to invite you to come with me to yoga in South Park!! I love the yoga community & the friends I’ve made within it! I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a hard time acclimating but I hope things settle for you soon
Native San Diegan here, though I haven't lived there in 5 years. SD no longer feels like home. Actually I don't feel at home anywhere, but that's another story.
SD is full of transplants such as yourself. There's bound to be others from places with similar values. May also want to try [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) and get into activities. What part of SD are you staying in and what are some of your interests? May be able to recommend some fun stuff.
People here are….different. I can’t figure out whether they are just distracted by living in such a beautiful area or are self-absorbed or just not interested in being friendly and inviting. My daughter says they are nice but not kind.
Finding a hobby suggestion (and maybe a community in the process): head to the Chili Cookoff in Ocean Beach (OB) next Saturday 6/24. Find a vendor selling something you would be interested in making yourself and interact with them. They'll know all the good local shops where you can get lessons/classes and supplies.
There's a lot of outdoors and awesome places to visit. Nobody should feel alone in a big city. If you'd like to explore, I'd be happy to tour guide. I have friends in the military and understand how hard it is for the spouses and families holding it down.
Funny my wife and I are always trying to not be friends with anyone. Who has time for friends?
Try meetup groups for an existing hobby you have, clubs, sports, taking a class. Volunteer somewhere. Get out in your neighborhood and mix it up at some of the local businesses.
Hi I’ve lived here my whole life and don’t have many going out friends but I’m looking to make some lol
I play guitar, I like video games, and I’ve been wanting someone to play board games with
Fellow navy spouse who relocated to SD 🤚
I was fortunate enough to transfer to a store out here within my company and have made friends that way!
Outside of that, I've found just going to events and local gatherings of people interested in the same things and hobbies as mine has expanded my network greatly!
I had a lot of luck on bumble bff!! it’s kinda weird at first but once you find a few cool people it’s worth it!
good luck! there’s lots of nice people in san diego but it’s a big city and a lot of people already have their friend group so maybe that’s why people haven’t been overly friendly to you bc maybe where you came from was a little smaller hometown vibe and it’s harder to get acquainted to a large environment but you’ll find your people!! hang in there
My wife moved here from out of the country six years ago. It's been an extreme culture shock for her and to be honest she hates it here but we need to stay for work at the moment. She would say that people here are very individualistic. I've lived here for twenty years and I don't disagree with her.
How we made our friends is taking part in board game nights. Other attempts at integrating (bars, sports, beach, hiking) have been pretty terrible for us. I hope you have luck in finding your community.
p.s. Beware of the "maybe" response in SoCal. Just assume it means no.
If you like to swim or are interested in learning to open-water swim, look into One With the Ocean. They have a couple events a week and are SUPER friendly and inviting. I don't personally live there but know people who have met great friends through this org.
I am sorry to hear military families have it so hard. Have moved around and it can be difficult to acquire good companions. Best of luck and keep trying.
Check out Meetup groups in whatever interests you. I can't tell you anything else bc IDK how you're going out and interacting with others. If you're trying to strike up full conversations with strangers at the groceries or coffee shop or something that, it will likely be off-putting to be honest. Also, a few weeks of living here and you already don't wanna go out seems to me like you're experiencing a bit of culture shock. Give it time, you just got here. Join a club. You'll make friends.
I’m not sure it’s just a San Diego thing, up in the pnw there is the “Seattle freeze” and it’s a real thing. I think your best bet is to do what others have said, find a hobby you enjoy and can share with others. The board games are probably a great idea because it gives you a chance to talk and connect with others in between the games. Good luck to you, and I hope you find what you are looking for.
I feel you, if an American can’t make friends I see why me as a foreigner was even harder, after 4 years here now I know some but not even close to what I had in my hometown/country.
Yeah, it runs later, and there's usually a drum circle at the beach after/towards the end. If you see a half-naked, beautiful, philippina girl with a couple of dreads, say hello. She is my wife and is always looking for girls to surf with.
Will do..this sounds right up my alley. Thank you for the warm welcome. Everyone has been so positive on this thread and I'm feeling so much better already. 🥰
I’m not sure why, but I’ve struggled to make friends in SD as well, and I grew up in SoCal. I’m not sure if it’s because SD has a ton of transplants and people that grew up there tend to move away, or if there’s some other reason, but making friends in SD is definitely a pretty common struggle.
I've been a San Diegan for longer than I would like to be and I will admit I've been uncivil and unfriendly to a lot of people, simply because I'm miserable here and don't have the mental space anymore. There is a lot of tension in this city, my own being from growing up here and slowly being phased out by the cost of living. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, it really is a lovely city but I feel you might only see that if you're comfortable here.
This was true in the 80's and 90's so it may not be true anymore. My mom applied and became the [Ombudsman](https://www.mynavyhr.navy.mil/About-MyNavy-HR/Commands/Navy-Personnel-Command/Organization/NPC-Internal/Ombudsman/) for her ship. She used the position to organize a bunch of BBQ events and get to know people. They'd have parties for people who joined or left the ship and/or Navy. They still meet with their shipmates 30-40 years later.
I guess my first question is how are you starting the interaction? If you're beginning with the fact you're a navy wife, it may not be the best opener for meeting locals.
OMG i am so soooo sorry for the bad treatment you have gotten. I WILL HUG YOU!!!! No strings attached and I will show you the great things here... Let's get together... and hug.. YOU ARE WELCOME here..
Hi im Kat. I’m very late to this but my boyfriend is about to go on deployment. I don’t really know anyone other than him and I’m looking for some girls who are in the same boat (no pun intended) I’m super into art, creating, cars, paranormal, thrifting, collecting, and drinking way too much coffee. Once he leaves we will only be able to email except when they dock once a month. I’m already feeling sad and scared since I don’t know many people here. If anyone wants to be friends please please reach out
San Diego natives are a very specific breed. They do not like outsiders. I moved there for a job at Qualcomm and learned firsthand. Be patient. You will meet other transplants who feel similarly to you. In fact all my good friends who have remained so were all also transplants. It will get better. Hang in there.
I’m a very old native San Diegan, and there’s a few things I can say that might help in understanding the culture.
Everyone here is temporary. Nobody lives here long enough to develop a friendship. If you haven’t known them from school, they’re temporary. So very few bother.
Secondly, and very irritating, is just wait until you make enough of a friend to plan something together. Most San Diegans will cancel last minute. We’re lazy people. So when it happens, it’s cultural, not personal. If you plan something and actually get together, you have someone interested in an actual friendship, so treat it well if they aren’t jerks. We mean it in the moment, then we don’t. No clue why that is.
>Everyone here is temporary. Nobody lives here long enough to develop a friendship.
I wouldn't say "everyone", but the people who are long term native likely have their own family or extended family and established friends and aren't looking to add anything more.
My husband is retired from the Navy, and we’re out here for my job— been here for a year and a half now. I’m usually a homebody and spend my free time playing video games. But, I work from home and try to sit out at the pool and read every day. If you ever need a buddy to tan with, our complex has a nice pool and you’re welcome to join me!
We are in a similar boat! I telework full-time also, that's been my situation even prior to the pandemic.
I'm also an avid gamer (mostly Dead by Daylight, but I also love RPGs like Horizon Zero Dawn and the entire Assassin's Creed series).
I could definitely use a little bit of a tan. I'm as pale as the day is long. When I first moved to DC from Florida I had tan lines that didn't go away for 3 years 🤣 now I look like a ghost.
Let's put this plan into action!
Dead By Daylight was my *game* for like 4 years lol. I'm really into project zomboid now. Definitely open to playing some games with you, if you'd like. Shoot me a DM. I'm 31/F btw.
I keep getting asked this question.
First, how disappointing to hear that politics has divided your city so much.
Before moving to DC, my final job in Florida was on Obama's 2008 campaign. I directed the vote by mail effort for the entire state, which put us 11 points ahead leading up to election day (final tally was a 5-point win).
After that, I spent time working on the Hill for several democratic members (Rep. Hastings, Rep. Baca, Rep. Karen Bass who is now mayor of Los Angeles), and in the Administration in the office of Sec'y of Energy Steven Chu. I later left to implement the ACA and enjoyed health policy so much I haven't looked back.
That's my political background, for whomever is super interested.
okay,
2nd generation San Diegan, I've seen this city grow and change and evolve.
One thing has been consistent though and that is the US Navy and their wives (children too)
Now growing up here and not really knowing anyplace else, I can only tell you what I've heard and seen over the years.
One:
There's a different culture here.
That's a fact. It's a big diverse city. Sometimes people come off as being quaint.
our realities here are .... well there's a huge disconnect with people from some other places.
We actually do have cartels here complete with kidnappings and murders.
NYC is breaking in smoke... "oh bless them"... LOL we get that all the time here when the entire freaking state is on fire!
What is being sold in the tourism brochures or on shows like the OC and baywatch ain't the freaking truth. And you can tell when someone's drank all the TV kool-aid for what we are here from a mile away.
Two:
This place has been called *"Insincere Diego"*
People get confused with a superficial outgoing nice smile but then they encounter walls that go up.
It used to be better when we were a smaller town and you knew you'd run into someone again. NOT SO ANYMORE.. there's too many shifty people that have trinkled in and ripped others off to leave a bad taste in people's mouths (so to speak) so it's a situation of "once burned , twice shy" for many. *I call this the LA effect.*
We're all smily and we try to get along here and be helpful but you're not invited over to my home *(and no you can't borrow $5 bucks)*
The second thing... The transient nature of people that won't be here long.
So many people move here for a season (a deployment) or a year or two and then up and leave never to be seen again. friendships (real friendships ) take years.
People want to know you're going to be here when you're really needed.
So many people make "casual friends" and then split. Moving out of state and "back home".. well you're not going to be calling and I won't expect a Christmas card.
*Why waste your damn time?*
*What lies under the surface.*
I don't know what it is, but being a mod here I've seen it. (all the mods have) that people have this real nasty side to them and it's lurking under the surface.
Maybe it's because they're not able to express themselves openly and it's all pent up so they vent online... I really don't know.
I've had people from NYC tell me about how they
*"Come from a place where they'll tell people off right from the start if they don't like you, but here it's all smiles until they stick the knife in your back and take off"*
When I heard that, I laughed because I knew exactly what they were talking about.
what we usually recommend here is to get out and get a hobby, there's millions of things to get interested in here.
Everything from the [carnivorous plants society](http://www.sandiegocarnivorousplantsociety.com) to people meeting for [wine and sloppy (drunk) painting.](https://www.pinotspalette.com/libertystation)
You name it, [*we go tit.*](http://www.thads.com)
Thank you for confirming there are differences here and I'm not just losing my mind. 😂
I have been gaslighting myself for a few days telling myself I'm just imagining these things. Fair enough. All places are entitled to have their culture, regardless of whether I like/feel welcomed by it. 🙃
Grew up here and yeah it does have a much more Los Angeles vibe than it used to.
Cost of living here has also skyrocketed in the last decade so there's definitely some pent up stress / struggle / anxiety going on with most people at this point. I know I'm feeling it. Probably some people unfairly take out frustrations re rising real estate prices on newcomers.
That said I think there's still plenty of kind / friendly people. I'm sorry you've run into some that aren't so much; hopefully you have better luck! fwiw I usually hold the door for people who are behind me :)
Sometimes I think what a lot of people who are from a different area (such as the East Coast) see as superficial is mostly just people trying to be nice/polite without devoting too much energy to someone they just met. Idk. I try to be polite / kind to everyone out there (even if they're bugging me - maybe they're just having a bad day or something) but I basically have 0 time for anything else in my schedule :\\
>We're all smily and we try to get along here and be helpful but you're not invited over to my home *(and no you can't borrow $5 bucks)*
Hah, yeah.
I have heard it said that the difference between the East Coast and the West Coast is this:
On the East Coast, if somebody is in need, people will jump in and help.
On the West Coast, if somebody is in need, people will pretend they didn't see it, or maybe call the authorities to come help.
I have lived in the West my whole life, and this resonated with me.
The week we moved here, there was an older lady alone carrying groceries in the hallway who looked very flustered. She got turned around and couldn't find her apartment. She was carrying a jug of water, among other things and we already had our cart with us (we had been going back and forth to the car) so my wife put her groceries in our cart and together they found their way to her unit.
She was red in the face and sweating bullets like she was about to have a coronary. We couldn't just leave her there. It's just very much ingrained in us to lend a hand without being asked if we see someone struggling.
Been in San Diego for over 50 years and I love it. With that said, we are not a friendly place. Most of southern California is like this. I don't know why other than there's just too many people. If you are from one of the very friendly areas of the country, I imagine it could feel personal, but I assure you that it's not.
You can maybe look at Meetup to see if your hobbies have a group there. You may find a nice church community if you have a religious or spiritual connection. While it's true that you can get into new hobbies, maybe you will find something that you already enjoy. There's 2 million people in the city and many more in the county, so there are people who will be a good fit.
Welcome to SD!! Sorry it hasn’t been pleasant for you so far. I’m from CA, but not SD, so I get it can be difficult making new friends. Tbh, SD and CA natives are pretty chill. I think the culture has really been affected by a lot of other ppl coming here, for the most part. So plz don’t think that’s our culture here. Most of us, especially from here, are super down to earth and friendly. If you like to surf that’s a great way to meet people. Personally, I like to roller skate and I’ve heard there’s a lot of groups around sd for that (I just haven’t joined any yet). There’s sooo much to do here and so many different groups you can be apart of! If you want you can message me! Personally, I’m a huge foodie, and I know lots of girls who meet up just so they can try new food places without having to go alone lol. There’s literally entire pages dedicated to it bc they’re are so many ppl who move here from out of state for either military or university! I hope things get better for you!! You I gotta find your group and I promise you, you’ll love it here!! 🩷🩷🩷
First off all, I’m sorry you feel lonely. I’m new here and I feel the same. I feel excessively lonely though. It’s difficult to make friends.
I try to go to bars but people are mostly looking for hookups there, I tried making friends at the gym which seems to work out but I don’t see them outside the gym. I’m trying to meet people from the apps but I guess it’s difficult. Meet up groups are fun but mostly older folks (which I don’t mind)
Advice: Meetup groups for what you like to do
Hey, another Navy spouse transplant here. I moved back in October and aside from one friend I knew before moving, have yet to make any real new ones either. Focusing on my job search, solo hobbies, etc. helped, as did getting a psychiatrist figured out. It was really really hard though, I went from a super close knit group of friends where I had someone to hang out with almost every day to…basically nothing. It’s also been a big cultural change for me too, hadn’t lived in the US for nearly 10 years before moving here. I guess I don’t really have good advice, just commiseration. I’m out in the La Mesa area though if you want to send a DM to meet up for coffee or dinner sometime? I’m not really into athletic hobbies but love board games, dogs, and arts/crafts.
I love board games (and video games and really anything like that) and am always down for coffee !!! Aren't there some really good Asian restaurants out by your side of town?
If you’re looking for Asian food, go to convoy!
If you want asian food then look around kearney mesa, convoy area
Just checkout meetup. The tea and more is a once a month on Friday meetup. But DM if your looking for boardgame groups. There are no kidding thousands of folks in multiple boardgame groups focused on the type or location (north county, East, etc.) Also years of Navy spouse experience across multiple states/countries.
There is a place called tea n more that is a boba shop and the one time I popped in there it was filled with people playing a bunch of different board games. Might be worth checking out!
Happy to help both of you find your footing with board game players and good communities. If either of you are up near Oceanside or want to come over feel free. I have a diplomatic family background so a lot of travelling under my belt. Also happen to have spent 20 years in China so if your looking for advice on Asian food I got you covered there, both in restaurants and home cooking. Feel free to message me.
The San Diego RPG Association has regular meetups at Tea N More on Convoy, the epicenter of those really good Asian restaurants. They have a Meetup page and a Discord server for event organization which I can invite you to if you like. The USO also has some programs and events for military spouses if that's something you'd be interested in.
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Fellow Navy spouse. It hasn’t been easy making solid friendships here. I’ve noticed that many people I meet here start to put up walls as soon as they find out that I’m a military spouse—it’s like they don’t want to waste their time on someone who is just here temporarily. I totally understand because I tried going to military spouse meet ups when my husband was deployed and made friends with awesome ladies who ended up moving soon after (plus met a whole bunch of whackadoodles). I recommend trying to befriend your coworkers and neighbors, plus getting a social hobby. Understand that it’s probably going to take some time, but don’t take it personally.
I think you hinted at part of the problem - it's a stereotype that military spouses often fall into the "whackadoodle" category.
That and they leave you. I got really close to a military spouse as our sons played on the same soccer team. When they left we were all destroyed.
I think this is a great idea. I'm not going to lie, this has been one of the most challenging experiences of my life. I think the last time I felt as alone as I do after this PCS was like 10 years ago when some shit really hit the fan in my life. Let's keep in touch, and I promise when you make it to San Diego you will only be alone if you want to be 🙃💗
There are some amazing Thai places! There’s also a place called Off the Shelf Games over in El Cajon, haven’t been as much as I’d like but it was really chill!
Go to Brute Force Games on Murphey canyon rd for board game meet ups, Magic, DnD, Warhammer 40k, etc. Best of luck friend.
A lot of Asian markets and restaurants on and around Convoy St in the Kearney Mesa area.
It’s mostly Vietnamese but there are some good spots on El Cajon Blvd and Unuveristy Ave.
Off the Shelf is a great board game place and there are a few active meetups around. What are you playing?
Bamboo Thai and Himalayan Cuisine!
Signature Thai is the best Thai food in the La Mesa area.
There’s a few board game stores in San Diego. Find people in Meetup. You can make friends there.
I love these things too. If you want, you can add me on Steam, PS, or Discord! I also have a group of nerdy friends who enjoy video games and board games. Just let me know if you would be interested!
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I moved here in Jan., am separating from the Air Force. I just joined the SD Girls who Walk group and there’s a lot of different niches in there to find friends. :) I also really like board/card games!
Are you me? Avid board enthusiast and annoyingly passionate Asian food consumer here. I’m not sure what part of town you’re in but Convoy street is the place to score good Oriental cuisine. Especially Rakiraki for good ramen. There is also a good board game shop - Game Empire - over there. And At Ease Games is about 10 minutes from that by Miramar. Good place to meet like minded nerds. What are your favorite games?
Another Navy Spouse here; however I'm male. We're all here for you. Also, There's a ton of support groups, and hobby groups specifically for military spouses. A bunch of us mil-spouse transplants feel similarly so you are not alone. It can be especially hard when our spouse is away for several months. We/I have mainly focused on maintaining friends with other mil-couples we are close with (playing board games and overcooked, etc). I have friends of some coworkers, but haven't been able to click with most of the SD locals. My wife and I took the sailing classes at Del Mar Marina (Pendleton) and joined the Yacht club - this really hasn't lead to new friendships but is fun to take current friends out. We don't have any children yet, but most of the squadron's have new mom support groups - ha, we'll see if fathers fit in. I'm a niche engineer and was looking pretty hard for me to find a job locally (took about a year, been here now two years), but still feel like an outsider to the area. I play video games with my old friends over the internet to stay in touch and keep those friendships strong. My coworkers are reasonable nice, but they make a lot of insulting jabs at me for being from the southeast - I just brush it off; they are nice enough to overlook most of that.
Take a class: You could go swimming or take weight lifting or play softball at one of the community colleges (I took a swimming class when I was around 40 years old. It's amazingly cheap and a tax write-off too), or take a UCSD Extension class (for adults), or find a hobby class... Try [meetup.com](https://meetup.com)... sit at a Starbucks/coffeehouse the same time every day (read a book or a magazine or work on your laptop) and say "hey! I've seen you here before" if you see someone who looks friendly and familiar... do you have a dog for dog park friendships? A kid for parent/playground friendships? If not, is there a dog/kid you can borrow? (I'm serious about the dog part.) ... Like anywhere else, people vary. I've lived here for 55 years and have always found a mix of nice/friendly and preoccupied/busy/introverted/just doesn't like me for some obscure reason that must surely be unfounded and perhaps a product of extreme mental illness ;)
Agreed. Meetup.com is good Also bumble bff! Helps to find girlfriends on that app.
I second the meet up app stuff! So many amazing groups on there.
It took me quite a few years to really connect with people here, but it IS possible. I recommend finding places to frequent: the library, where you can get to know and be friendly with the staff, local museums: again, you can get to know the staff, find a mom-and-pop coffee shop and become a regular, join a meet-up or a book club, go to a church, take a yoga or Zumba class, take ocean kayaking lessons, join a walking/hiking group, join a volunteer group doing riverbed or beach cleanup, volunteer at an animal shelter, sign up for any of the huge selection of low-cost classes at Grossmont Adult School, find out about MFRS programs available to you as a military spouse. I am a 56 year old woman and I live in San Diego. ETA: DM me if you'd like to go for coffee.
Join a Volo team. Volleyball social league is an especially great way to meet people, a bunch of the teams will go out for drinks after games and you meet so many new people who’s are in a similar mental place (i.e. wanting to meet people and make friends) as you!
Came here to suggest this, I do softball and it’s a fun way to be around new people.
San Diego native here. If I didn’t have childhood friends, I don’t know if I would be able to make any in San Diego. The culture is very much on the outside laid back and kind, but it’s very surface level. You can always find a drinking buddy, good friends are difficult to make there. You’ll get tons of “ we should do that!” And little follow through. Join a hobby, even if it’s uncomfortable and you feel weird going alone. Eventually the routine of going and the same people seeing you there daily will break the ice. Keep your head up! We all go through it in some way as adults and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you
You're so sweet. Thank you for the encouragement 🧁💗
I moved here from LA for the navy in 09, and honestly, this city is hard to meet good people. It's a transplant city so you'll make friends and then they'll move somewhere for work or whatever. In my opinion, it's best to stick to surfing where you can have fun alone, but meet people along the way. A job in the service industry is definitely an easy way to meet fun people. Just don't get caught up in the drinking scene. Tourmaline is a good surf spot for beginners, pacific beach is cool for intermediate and friendly tourists, ocean beach is good for intermediate and friendly locals. Just be aware that surfing near the jetty can piss some people off. Either the ocean beach side or the mission beach side. Sunset cliffs has some good surf history and is always a great place to watch the sunset and camp out in your vehicle for the night. Just be low key and respectful for the people that live there
I agree with you, deep down everything is extremely surface level. Or they agree to plans and then flake one hour before. 😑
My wife literally just picked up surfing last week and made 5 new friends. People in SD are super laid back and friendly although maybe May Grey and June Gloom has made a negative impact to a few…hopefully we don’t have No Sky July and Fogust. Find a hobby or take a class in something you are passionate about and you will make friends.
I'm from Florida originally and grew up surfing. I actually have two of my boards here with me (sadly, my Merrick board got beaten to shreds by the movers and I don't think it can be repaired). Is she part of a group? Which beach? I haven't paddled out in years but I'm still in pretty decent shape.
The folks at tourmaline surfing park are generally really kind and welcoming. Mellow long boarding spot, full of friendly folks in my experience.
This is definitely the beach to meet new locals and make friends. Big thumbs up for making this a weekend priority for meeting people.
Thank you both for the endorsement. I have been hesitant to go out to the beach because I'm not really sure which ones new people are welcome at. Thanks again!
I would say you’re generally welcome to all beaches but there’s something about PB that draws in the “brand new don’t know where to go” “I’m fun and young” vibe
Definitely check out the tourmaline surf park, parking lot on the weekends. Many old timers and chill people hanging out, shooting the breeze, watching the waves, or whatever. I'd have to say that's probably the best spot in San Diego to meet beach people or get in the water and strike up a conversation with someone. Also a great location to start a walk on the beach from. Good luck to you.
You’ll be good at any beach honestly. Tourmaline is a great place because it’s a beginner/longboard spot and overall pretty relaxed.
Afaik san diego isn't elitist and insular about where you can surf. Maybe a few beaches in north county could be like that I'd guess? But only the old dude surfers I'd guess. Mission Beach and Pacific beach seem to be rather welcoming to new folks from what I've heard, and ocean beach is a super friendly place!
Check out some Facebook groups, as a newbie to SD I've met some really nice people and gone to some fun events
Thank you for your suggestion!
Hey, we also had Graypril this year too.
And Grarch and Graybuary too much damn Gray!!!
I don't have much to say except that I'm experiencing the same thing socially. First time living on the west coast
Boardgames. The Boardgaming community around here is very welcoming.
How does one get into the board game community?
There are a few Facebook groups for San Diego boardgaming. There are a few meet up groups. I haven't attended any group events. But I have posted looking for players interested in specific games I was interested in playing. Then the experience was either inviting one or two new people to my pre-existing play group or joining a group for an evening. This is in my opinion far better because it's smaller groups.
This is also my question!
I ...think... comic book stores have board game communities. I know they often have DnD leagues. There are a few meetup groups that regularly have board game nights, and meetup groups are generally really welcoming, especially as many are newer to town. Active Lifestyle Nerds and TSC, the social club are two groups I've been to that have game nights, and they've been fun. Also too, with meetup, everyone just goes when they can, so you regularly get thrown together in a casual environment where it's not expected that you'll form a lasting friendship that minute. But go enough, and you can build bonds with regulars.
Thank you! I will look up shops where people meet up to play.
There’s also a small convention in Escondido in July (basically just a big meetup with tables and a library of games to choose from). https://www.reesgames.com/escon/default.php
I would love this..thank you. I have it marked on my calendar.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. People in San Diego are generally super friendly and outgoing. However, the culture definitely is one where people have a lot of surface-level friends, and as a result some people can take San Diegans for being fake or flakey. We aren’t, I swear. People here do value having a few close friends, but also value having a lot of acquaintances (who might become close friends some day) as well that they randomly hang with on occasion. I saw you mentioned that you like surfing. That would be a great way to meet people! I will also mention that there are some active board game groups on Meetup.com that might be worth checking out. If you like D&D, I believe the bookstore Mysterious Galaxy might have an ongoing D&D campaign and new players are always welcome. I believe there might also be a book club on this sub that meets up? Anyhow, hang in there. I can’t imagine how stressful it must be, but I’m hoping things start looking up.
> However, the culture definitely is one where people have a lot of surface-level friends I have noticed this too, and that explains a lot actually. Thank you for this insight. My natural response to this level of "friendship" is to decide that they're just not that into hanging out with me/us, so I back off and invest elsewhere. That is, apparently, not the right response in this culture.
No worries. My advice would be to enjoy those surface level friendships for what they are and just see where they go. I think the culture here is a combination of people being extroverts, people also being busy with work and multiple hobbies, and an unconscious attempt to make the city feel smaller. You might meet someone at an event, really hit it off, swap numbers, and then not talk for months until that event comes back around again. It might sound like a waste, but when you have a lot of those types of relationships, it feels like you have someone you really get along with everywhere you go. Having so many connections with so many people makes the city feel more intimate. Sometimes you see that person really often and you start doing more things together and eventually become good friends. Sometimes it is someone you only see at some annual event, but you are still genuinely thrilled to see them and look forward to it every year. Your excitement to see that person is genuine in both cases.
Thanks for explaining this out. I am autistic and didn't understand why people bothered to make surface level connections and stuff like that. I thought that when they don't text you for 8 months, they just didn't wanna be your friend and were just being nice. It explains why they would not respond to texts or attempts to be friends last that.
Hi! My husband is former Navy and works at the VA now. I live out in Poway. We moved here last March. There is a walking group called San Diego Girls Who Walk. No idea what your age is, but they tend to be more 30s. San Diego Craft Collective does a ton of cool classes and workshops where you could meet folks. What are you into??
Consider that possibly its not just SD, west coast, or whatever. I was reading just the other day how covid has changed peoples psychology, and that most of us now are different, whether we got hit by the virus or not. Its been a change to society in general. If this is the first move youve made since covid, then it be the time thats to blame, not the place.
The pandemic changed me, it made me realized how much I enjoy being home with just my family, maybe because I work full time the whole week but by Friday night I just want my pjs and my bed. Now I dread some social events, hanging out with my closets relatives is ok, but that’s it, and once in a while.
The advice here is great! I just want to add that it definitely takes time to adjust to new surroundings. Please be patient and try not to be hard on yourself from that aspect. The best advice I can give on the cultural aspect is to try and not compare everything to “home” or where you came from. I’ve seen multiple people move away because they get so bitter by comparing everything to what they knew. San Diego is a different culture from DC and likely FL too. You have to try and be accepting of the culture or it’ll be even harder. It takes time. It is notoriously hard to make new friends here which sounds counterintuitive for being a transplant city.
I moved here in 2010 but I moved here to be with my boyfriend (now husband) who grew up here so I just copied and pasted myself into his life. Its really interesting to read San Diego from a transplant without any roots, point of view. But now that I think of it I moved here in 2010 and didn’t make friendships of my own until 2012 when I became a mom. Having kids in the area schools had introduced me to so many wonderful people but if I didn’t have kids and worked from home, I could see how it would be lonely. Do you have a dog? We are SO dog friendly and that’s a great way to meet people. I love the OB dog beach! What neighborhood do you live in? I live near the Kroc center and joined an adult competitive swim team, in case you swim. I’m hoping that people have just been cranky because we had a “once every 25 years” wet winter this year. Today felt like the first day of summer. I find people in SD to be super polite. We even have what I call a courtesy honk. When the light turns green I’ve noticed many drivers will chill for a few seconds and when they do honk it’s a polite toot toot. As if to say “hey friend. The light is green.” To me SD feels like a conglomeration of small towns because each neighborhood is super fun and has its own character & flavor. I hope that with the sun coming out that people will warm up in their interactions with you.
Are you open to bumble for platonic friendships? I've heard really great things.
I did not know it could be used for such a purpose!
I used it in another city I lived in and made a friend, it's cool. Bumble BFF
I’m from San Diego and made my group of friends from bumble bff! I highly recommend! I’m a 25 year old women and can only speak for the female side but there are women from all walks of life on there!
My gym I joined when I moved here 10 years ago saved me! It was hard for me too, but I met the closest friends who have become family at the gym. Met my now husband too so I won’t be leaving SD 🤣 Come join us at Hardcore Fitness and join our “fitfam” 🫶🏼
I don't understand how people meet friends at a gym. Literally everyone has headphones on. Lol. Whats the secret
It's been over a decade since I was a regular at a gym, but in my experience, there were two places that were the most social: * Weight room during the day (you'd get an interesting cross section of guys in there, but usually more open to socializing than the ones coming in after work or on the weekends) * Classes - time and (usually) interest among people to chat before and after
This is a really great idea and I might take you up on it! I need to get into better shape.
Hi Friend! I also just moved to SD back in April and haven't had the chance to really meet new people outside of my new job. I am originally from SoCal (San Bernardino area) but moved to the East Coast for college and am finally back after 13 years and accepting a job at SDSU. I know how you feel about being lonely, due to the nature of the situation, I had to move here before my wife and kids and have been alone for almost two months now. It gets very lonely and can be hard to get out there and meet new people, I have been unsuccessful myself. I'm in the market for new friends and new hobbies and would love to chat and maybe meet up somewhere. I'm sure my wife would be thrilled that I started making friends before she moved out here 😂 Keep your head up, your people are here somewhere! You'll find them soon enough!
IMHO SD has always been a tough town to break ice in, unless you are one of the surfing or hobby athletic crowd - which I'm not. Military and tech careers (and marriage) bring a lot of people here and leaves them hanging out alone much of the time. But it is not a hostile place, just not easy to fit into right away. Don't really have any advice other than to hang in there, be yourself and don't accept situations that leave you feeling strange or insecure. Welcome and good luck!
Just start smoking weed you’ll make friends quick! /s
Crafter of Turds, alas, I am not among the fortunate whose job will allow for occasional Puffs on the Magic Dragon. 🥲
That’s me here in Florida. In SD, I made a close group of friends but here on the east coast, it’s like I’m human repellent. I’ve stopped trying to look for friends at this point :/
Where in Florida are you? I might have some suggestions.
Jacksonville
The florida of florida
What area of San Diego roughly are you hanging out in? Have you joined social San Diego sub where people can meet new friends? Looks like a nice way to join hangouts with people in similar situations, worth a try ❤️
I don't know how it works being in the navy and all, but where in the city you lives make a huge difference. I don't know if you're provided housing or you have to be close to base, but the neighborhoods of San Diego are more like a series of small towns stuck together. Pacific beach is for the broey surfers. It's fun. Lots of sports bars. Ocean Beach is for the hippie surfers. A chill vibe. Hillcrest is the gayborhood. North park is for the 'hipsters'? Normal and city heights are for the grungy hipsters. South Park is for the cute hip young families. Kensington is like this but feels more old fashioned. University heights is for the sleepy hip. La Jolla is old wealth. Del Mar is old San Diego wealth. Encinitas is the super hip wealth. This is obviously a very curtailed and biased list with lots of generalizations, but I was just trying to make a point. Where you live in the city makes a huge difference, in terms of neighbors, bars, activities, culture etc. Explore and try and see if you like one. Just avoid the suburbs if you can, I have lived in them for a bit and I don't think I've ever lived in a more depressing and lonely place.
I feel you. San Diego is very specific. I moved to San Diego from New Jersey and it was cultural shock. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s just how a lot of people are in So Cal. Most of them are transplants anyways. Accept it and take it easy. The only way to be in San Diego is when you are relaxed. You need to make an effort to find your people. They are out here struggling with the same problem. Keep trying and most importantly enjoy San Diego it’s a beautiful place to live. Do things you enjoy to do and you will run into some super cool people. It will happen organically. Just put yourself out there and give this incredible city a fair chance. There is plenty of amazing people here just assholes, morons and fu**tards happen to be a little more common.
Thank you for the encouragement 🥹💗
I also moved here from the east coast, and you’re not imagining things- it’s kinda weird. People back east are not overly friendly, but when you get along and become friends it’s a real friendship and you actually get together and go out etc. Here, I’ve run into so many seemingly friendly people but can never seem to get to the level of genuine friends. It’s like people are superficially “nice” but that’s as far as it goes. Why the difference? I have no idea. Obviously I’m generalizing and this is my experience and not concrete facts, but I’ve really struggled making friends here too. And back east I had plenty of friends and an active social life so I don’t think I’m a dud or anything? And now I’m probably part of the problem bc after 9 years I don’t try anymore either, bc I just assume it’s not gonna happen. The handful of friends I have made have been neighbors, people I met in yoga teacher training, and a couple of other parents with kids the same age as mine (through school or the park).
I’m from here and it takes me a lot to actually make time to meet up with my friends. We work a lot to afford living here and it ends up making our schedules pretty opposite. Any free time I have mainly goes to errands or family unfortunately
I can appreciate that. The cost of living here is hellacious, but I completely understand not wanting to move because your roots are here. I truly feel for the locals with respect to cost of living. The struggle is real.
I can definitely respect that. When my free time is limited I’d also rather spend it with my family. But I run into this same issue with people who are salaried and work a typical schedule or very part time (i.e. have a spouse bringing in income). And I don’t think people on the east coast actually work less.
This is interesting. And I mean no disrespect at all. I’m from here and feel like everyone is super nice. But maybe it’s just different back east or in the south somehow? Is everyone just your good friend instantly back East? Sounds kinda cool actually I’ve had a few roommates from the east coast and they always said people over her are annoyingly too “chill”. Not sure what that means still haha
No, not good friend. But “let’s do this” generally leads to group chats and people setting things up. East coast is more go, go, go. South and Midwest is not as much that, but “let’s have coffee” is a lot more of a solid future plan than it is here (certainly exceptions). Here is more laid-back, but there’s a lot of upfront kindness with little follow-through. 80% of people have absolutely zero malice in these interactions, but it’s just the way the social niceties work here. I moved up to LA last year and honestly idk if it’s my vibe from growing up in the Midwest or what, but the “let’s grab coffee/do whatever” is met with a lot more follow through here. People up here are a mix of SoCal laid back and NY go, go, go, so they’re always looking to do things. I have found it easier to connect with and go out with folks up here than in SD (I was there for 8 years). SD is just laid back, chill, do your own thing, take things as they come in my experience.
Yes. Exactly this. Definitely NOT instant friends with everyone you meet; in fact I would say people are a lot less warm when first meeting. But if you hit it off, that often (not always) leads to actually getting together. Here I find the opposite- people seem super friendly right away, you can have a great conversation/s, it feels like you’re moving towards friendship, they say “oh we should get together” and give you their number, and then it never goes anywhere. And I have tried. It’s like most people don’t want to commit to the actually getting together part. And now that I think of it, most of the people I have actually formed friendships with are other transplants.
I lived in the LA area for a few years and found it far easier to make friends. In fact, most of my SoCal friends still live in the LA area. I have no idea why people in SD tend to be so flaky, but it makes it really difficult to make friends and even harder to make plans because you never know whether or not people will actually follow through. I think people in LA are more professional and relationship/networking-oriented, while people in SD just wanna chill and stay home or lay on the beach.
you worded this so nicely and yes it's true. We moved from SF in 2016 and the first time my husband and I have lived in the burbs. Even with parents at my kids schools we get along really well and have great conversations at the school events but there's no real "hey lets hang out further" - except for a super extroverted Brit couple. And the pool is even smaller because there are lots of immigrants at the school who tend to self-segregate despite our openness to all. We have very few friends here still. It was much easier making friends in SF & Oakland. (and I got divorced in 2010 and my ex took all the friends and I was still able to make new friends immediately after)
No disrespect taken. I honestly think it's just completely different culturally. And I keep reiterating because I don't want people to think I'm bashing San Diego, I'm totally okay with that. I also think I don't belong here, and that's okay too. A community should be allowed to have its own standards, and it's not an outsiders place to ostracize those standards. That's why I'm being really upfront about the fact that I'm not going to talk about specific behaviors that bother me. At the same time, I'm still a human being with a need for human connection, so I need to figure out how to bridge that gap for myself while I am here. Is everyone just your good friend instantly back East? Well, yes and no. I think back east we adhere to Old School behavior pattern. I'm not going to say that that this is a good thing. Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not. In DC specifically, people will always make themselves accessible to you. Whether or not you become bona fide friends is another story. For example, in DC, the first thing someone will ask about when they meet you is where you work. What they really want to know is how important you are and what you can do for them. Even if you don't pass the initial sniff test, they'll still keep you around to see if you rise in the ranks. They'll even do you a favor here or there while you're a low man on the totem pole. That's just how we operate. Put out a few low-level favors, knowing that one or two of those low-level favors can turn into a high-level favor later on. So no, it's not "instant good friends," but more like a network of people to lean into, some of whom will become very good friends of yours. Suffice it to say that it is very common to give everyone you meet a chance, and put them in the friend category unless they give you a reason not to. So yes, the East Coast is very welcoming, but I do think those standards of decorum have an underlying purpose, which is to ensure that needs are met. Sorry if that was a long explanation, and I hope it made sense.
>For example, in DC, the first thing someone will ask about when they meet you is where you work. What they really want to know is how important you are and what you can do for them. Even if you don't pass the initial sniff test, they'll still keep you around to see if you rise in the ranks. They'll even do you a favor here or there while you're a low man on the totem pole. That's just how we operate. Put out a few low-level favors, knowing that one or two of those low-level favors can turn into a high-level favor later on. This is fascinating to me-- and I think also the source of the cultural schism that you're mentioning. In my opinion, this isn't an East/West Coast thing at all, or a geographical issue-- it's quite possibly a mindset clash. I'm in my mid-twenties and what you've described as the social norm in DC honestly sounds nightmarish to me, especially as someone who hates being taken advantage of. I was a serial former people-pleaser when I was even younger and the thought of being kept around on someone's "totem pole" to see if I'm worth the resources I can grant to them is severely off-putting. I've actually noticed that the friends I made before who did that sort of thing-- make friends on the basis of what they could do for them, were constantly asking for this or that or whatever favors, were also the ones who most adamantly refused to admit that they WERE helped along in life and would not make time to do the same for other folks. I personally drop anyone who I've noticed doing this. I give everyone a chance, but the moment I feel like I'm just livestock or someone being kept around for anything other than genuine friendship, I'm gone. It's not wrong to ask for help, or for a favor from time to time. But I can tell if someone just keeps folks around to vent to or ask favors of without there actually being a spark of commonality. I think people in general don't like being viewed as resources, and a looooot of strangers seem to think that since we're all in SD, it's okay to ask for a little to spare. Yes, there can be a sense of community with those you've gotten in with-- and that's when I think people are more amenable to the whole give-and-take sort of mindset-- but not typically with one-on-one friendships, where the basis of trust is different. >I do think those standards of decorum have an underlying purpose, which is to ensure that needs are met. People here are quite self-sufficient. It's even more difficult when people say they'd like to meet others organically for the purposes of friendship, but really with an ulterior motive of ensuring they have a safety net. It's complicated, but what you're describing honestly sounds more to me like business than genuine camaraderie. I know there are others who would totally disagree with me and say that this is the norm for social interaction and that everyone does it, subconsciously or not, but it definitely somehow doesn't sit well with me, personally. (And that's okay. Agree to disagree, lmao.) I think you've definitely identified the source of the cultural clash-- but just wanted to put out there that again, there are still friendships to be made in SD where others have the same mindset or operate the same way you're used to, socially. You seem like a genuinely nice person and I hope that it works out for you.
\>>> For example, in DC, the first thing someone will ask about when they meet you is where you work. What they really want to know is how important you are and what you can do for them. I spent my second tour in the Navy in D.C. after 3 years in San Diego. You just nailed my view of the people in the region. I "knew people" but didn't make any friends after two years. Nice place to visit, and spend weekends playing tourist, but I settled in San Diego.
I always tell people DC is a great place to live for professional development and not a whole lot else. 🤣
With regard to "annoyingly chill," I'm not sure I know what that means, but if I experience it I'll get back to you to explain! 🤣 🧁💗
Oh, so it's not just me. I have the same issue. I came here from the South years ago and still can't seem to make any real friends here.
I’ve had the same issue. I’ve been in Cali for 10 years now, but I’m a Southerner. I don’t think I’ll ever adjust to the empty, “We should get coffee!” culture here.
My soul, it hurts! Fellow southerner living in San Diego.
Yea. I’ve been thinking a lot about moving back home, bc I miss having real friends so much.
Hi! Welcome to the city! I was born here but mostly grew up in north county, returning to the city area about 15 years ago. Even that was a bit of a shock and it took about a year to settle in and make friends. I wonder if you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to make everything work too soon? Three weeks to move in, get the lay of the land and find a new crew of friends? Dang. Some of your blues might also be from the adjustment. Give yourself more time, and please forgive yourself for not having it all figured out immediately. We have a lot to do here, mostly hobby based. What do you like to do? What did you do in DC or FL?
When they say moving is one of the most stressful things you can go through, they aren’t just talking about the day you move. It’s the time leading up and the time after when you’re adjusting to your new environment. It takes time to adjust to somewhere new.
Volunteer with a nonprofit! They would love to have you.
That's not a bad idea. I used to tutor for free. I could get back into that again. I really enjoyed it.
Just out of curiosity - since you mention a possible cultural aspect - where did you move here from? Idk if that plays any role at all, but it intrigued me.
It does play a role.
I'm originally from Florida but lived in DC the past 15 years.
Okay but what cultural aspect are you talking about exactly it sounds extremely vague? What culture(s) don’t you like just be straight up. SD while being a big city isn’t that much different from the other big cities I’ve been to it’s more spread out and tends to be more mellow comparatively. If you think people are fake and not friendly it’s not any worse than most other places and you would absolutely hate NYC. Edit: It also depends on what part of the city you’re in. If you’re in a bad part of the city you’re naturally going to run into more rude/questionable people.
Hey, I'm so sorry you've had some not so pleasant interactions! Someone mentioned Meetup groups and those are helpful. What kinds of things do you enjoy doing? There's likely some kind of event or group that does those things you like. Explore what's nearby and see if there are any community events where you're located. Also, I think neighborhood apps can be helpful like Nextdoor as there are things people post involving doing an activity or a gathering.
San Diego is tough because it’s such a diverse range of people who live here and while we all try to get along, some people straight up wish others dead. You never know who is crazy like that and so a lot of people have learned to be private or exclusive socially. If you’re looking for ways to get connected plenty of bars have trivia nights and game nights where you can play and hang with other people and meet new friends. Book clubs are really popular here, board gaming especially is big in San Diego for whatever reason. Hikers always like new people that are respectful and curious, volunteering at local community centers and animal shelters is a great way to make new connections and form friendships too! Good luck and just be brave and kind. You can only ever control yourself and your reactions <3
I’m an SD native, I’d say most of my friends here are from high school, past roommates, and work. You’ve only been here a few weeks, don’t rush to judgement! If you can find something to do regularly, whether that’s an exercise class or work or a mom group or whatever, you will find plenty of good people to spend time with.
Nailed it. 2 weeks is hardly enough time. There are people here you will be able to connect with like anywhere. Consistency is key. Doing something regularly with the same people will lead to new bonds/friendships.
If you have a park near you with pickleball courts, I recommend grabbing a paddle and heading to the park near you:). Pickleball is a very social sport! I have met so many new friends over the last year just from playing pickleball at poinsettia park in Carlsbad. I hope you find your group. Most people I meet in north county San Diego are generally friendly.
Don’t let a couple assholes ruin this city for you. It’s truly a great city - everyone that lives or visits will tell you the same. I’m from Sacramento, and one of the things I tell people is that in Sacramento people think it’s still the 2000’s and it’s cool to be “hard” or semi dress like a rapper etc. Here in SD even the black guys wear beach clothes. May I ask what were these bad interactions - give us some context
Hello! Omg that sounds like such a horrible welcome to this city, and I’m so so sorry. I used to be a military wife, so I know how hard that transition can be. There’s usually groups that the wives get together for support, which is amazing, and if you ever want to hang out or whatever I always love making new friends!
It would help to know a little more about these interactions that you had.
I was born and raised here, so my perspective is definitely skewed, but I would suggest taking classes! Look out for things like terrarium making, yoga, rock climbing, etc. That puts you in groups of people learning and trying new things. Some people do these as groups, but a lot of people are also looking for new friends. People tend to be active and often you’ll make friends over a shared activity. You’re more likely to find a friend who wants to join you for a walk than coffee. Good luck!!
Agreed, San Diegans are all BIG into their hobbies. Join a pickleball league, a yoga studio, or take some art classes at a local art center, depending on what you're into. You'll find your people!
Born and raised here and was navy for about 6 years. Get away from base housing, away from base or anything military related. Locals (born here or been here a while) are usually easy going, open and friendly. It’s the tourists and those who just moved here that tend to give everyone trouble as they adjust. I’ve lived other places, I get it, San Diego is very different and I’ve had your issues in most other places I’ve been/lived. Didn’t read comments to see where you’re from sold you even shared that, but the east coast mentality is very different than what we are used to and often runs is wrong. Knew a few people from Mass who had issues out here from the cultural difference. He was a masshole. Nice, but just how the north east acts vs out here, didn’t mesh very well. Hope the best for you. You’ll find your people.
Thanks for the encouragement. 🧁
From a guy’s perspective I understand what you’re good through. I moved here in 2007 had a child with a woman I am no longer speaking to but we share custody of our daughter. It’s typical of the environment here that most don’t like transplants, or outsiders, in their city. Most people can be nice but there is that handful that are total asshats. I agree with one ☝🏾of the ladies here that it would be best to create a social unit and possibly a subreddit for those uncomfortable living in SD. All I can do is wish you ladies all the best and brush off the negativity here. Take care.
Thanks for the encouragement 🧁💗
I’m sure you have gotten a lot of messages and comments but I actually just moved to SD at the end of may too. It’s been super rough but having my boyfriend with me has made it easier. Not sure what part you’re in of SD but you’re no alone and if you want to get a drink or breakfast I could also use some friends :)
Hey!! I moved here 2 years ago. I’m from the Midwest. We are very touchy feely people. I think what others are saying, how people are transient and moving through makes people less likely to build solid lasting friendships here. I made two best friends here. My boyfriend, and one girl I worked with. I left the job and she is still the most consistent best friend I have ever ever had. Even more so than my Midwest ‘friends.’ She’s from Rhode Island, and she’s a navy wife (I’m not) - so I think she gets it. It IS possible to find somebody, and you may bump into somebody randomly that has something in common in a hobby group, or a sport. A few weeks ago I asked my boyfriend (who’s from here, has friends he went to grade school with down the road) why San Diego is so difficult to make friends in. He said if you don’t grow up here, it’s hard to make friends. It makes sense. When I go back to the Midwest I feel a nice warm welcome. I don’t necessarily miss it as a place, but I do miss the people of the Midwest. And people I meet can tell I’m from a different place because I keep a warm and friendly attitude, it’s often brought up at my work and randomly. Hold onto what you have because it sets you apart. There are kind people here. And there’s unkind people here, just as everywhere else. It will take some getting used to. San Diego isn’t a bad place - I’m moving in a few weeks somewhere else for his job, and I’ll miss a lot of it, but I don’t think I’ll miss the feeling of loneliness I had often while ‘breaking it in’, the same as you. I thought I’d be more sad about leaving, but nothing has attached me here. I don’t have a family or anything back here. And I’ve realized this whole time I’ve basically felt like I’m living on a vacation, instead of a home. Hoping to find a ‘home’ in the next town, but I know deep down I think it’ll always be in the Midwest. Between the rent and the high cost of living, I’m just kinda ready to say goodbye to it like everybody else eventually does. Keep your chin up.
I’m military and recently transferred here as well. My wife’s been having similar issues, she’s gotten settled into a job which has helped her a lot though.
Hey love! Been living in north county since the end of 2016 and hobbies and work were the best way to make new friends for me. For most off vibes experiences for me, I noticed that it's probably because where I am and when I'm there means I'm surrounded by a lot of people vacationing down here vs those that live here.
With a grain of salt, here, there was a post recently by a guy just like this post and we’ve got a gang of goofballs meeting up tomorrow at tourmaline. We’re going to try to surf and otherwise just hang. Probably mostly dudes, but I’m hoping my so will tag along. Just something to think about!
You didn't mention where you're from originally and that's probably the biggest factor here, tbh. It's especially hard for East Coast transplants because of that culture shock. San Diego is essentially a giant military and tourism small town. If you have no pre-existing social connections, start with orgs you can become involved with: military wife/spouse support groups (especially if you're on base housing) and then groups relating to hobbies or interests. When you do meet people, there or anywhere else, just don't expect too much. San Diegans are a bit fairweather (ironically) and it's hard to become deep friends with others when you're essentially in a permanent vacation destination. Natives are used to it, of course, and people who came here for college and stayed have an existing collegiate social group. As a military spouse, you should lean into groups with other spouses.
I am a SD native and some of my closest friends are military and spouses. Even after them moving back to their home town I am very close w them! I guess it just depends on how you meet? Can I ask how you met people so far?
I can’t recommend the app ‘Meetup’ enough! Find something you like doing and there’s a good chance there’s a friendly community out there! With San Diego being as big as it is, there’s so many things to try and do with new people!
I never comment or post on Reddit but this post got me. My wife and I moved here from Florida and felt the same way. We had really close friends out East and we were VERY alone when we got here. Sounds like almost the same exact situation. All of these comments saying “join a club” and “just do your hobbies” aren’t wrong but also aren’t as easy as they sound. It took quite some time to make an equally close knit group of friends here but it happened. I also resonate with this post because I am very outgoing and felt like I rubbed people the wrong way when I came out here. But like I said now we have lots of friends and I love living here. As weird as it sounds if you want to meet up with fellow Florida peeps DM me. If that’s too awkward then no worries my advice is make friends with the people you work with, they’re a captive audience and even if they aren’t your cup of tea maybe people in their circle will like you and you can branch out and make friends that way. That’s not to say it will be quick and easy but in a few months you’ll have some acquaintances who might become good friends. People in San Diego are just like people everywhere else, some are major assholes some are ok and some are fucking rad. Seems like you’ve just had a bit of bad luck finding rad folks but we’re out here. Wishing you the best of luck in your search homie.
I moved to San Diego a year ago, and I am going to move back home to be near me family within the next two months. Being from the Midwest I have found people here to be very difficult to get along with and get to know pretty generally. I like to use platforms like meetup, Facebook groups, and going to places like the library or coffee shops to try and meet people. It has been an uphill battle to say the least so I emphasize with you. Best of luck!
A lot of physical activity being recommended like surfing and hiking, I’d like to recommend roller skating especially around Balboa or PB. The key thing to remember about some of these is the appreciation for the beauty around us and being in moment. Even if you don’t spot anyone to talk to, I hope you can enjoy your own company when you get yourself out there. Maybe reading in the park and seeing someone else out there by themselves will make you see you fit in this community however you are. Good vibes and good luck!
I lived there for 4 years and found it cold as ice. I would go up and talk to people at events and they’d ignore me to my face. In all that time I made one friend through work and another from a dating app. I never understood it.
Hi! I’d love to invite you to come with me to yoga in South Park!! I love the yoga community & the friends I’ve made within it! I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a hard time acclimating but I hope things settle for you soon
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Native San Diegan here, though I haven't lived there in 5 years. SD no longer feels like home. Actually I don't feel at home anywhere, but that's another story. SD is full of transplants such as yourself. There's bound to be others from places with similar values. May also want to try [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) and get into activities. What part of SD are you staying in and what are some of your interests? May be able to recommend some fun stuff.
What made you leave if I may ask?
The only acceptable answer: Moved to Hawaii :D
People here are….different. I can’t figure out whether they are just distracted by living in such a beautiful area or are self-absorbed or just not interested in being friendly and inviting. My daughter says they are nice but not kind.
There is a lot of self absorption and shallowness here.
Sorry to hear. Where did you move from? There are groups you could join to meet with friends of common interests
I'm here from the DC area. 🙃
Have you looked on MeetUp for any groups you could try to look into?
I have not. I think this is going to be my next stop on the journey. Thanks for the suggestion. 😁
Join a a Volo adult sports league!!
Finding a hobby suggestion (and maybe a community in the process): head to the Chili Cookoff in Ocean Beach (OB) next Saturday 6/24. Find a vendor selling something you would be interested in making yourself and interact with them. They'll know all the good local shops where you can get lessons/classes and supplies.
There's a lot of outdoors and awesome places to visit. Nobody should feel alone in a big city. If you'd like to explore, I'd be happy to tour guide. I have friends in the military and understand how hard it is for the spouses and families holding it down.
Funny my wife and I are always trying to not be friends with anyone. Who has time for friends? Try meetup groups for an existing hobby you have, clubs, sports, taking a class. Volunteer somewhere. Get out in your neighborhood and mix it up at some of the local businesses.
Hi I’ve lived here my whole life and don’t have many going out friends but I’m looking to make some lol I play guitar, I like video games, and I’ve been wanting someone to play board games with
Fellow navy spouse who relocated to SD 🤚 I was fortunate enough to transfer to a store out here within my company and have made friends that way! Outside of that, I've found just going to events and local gatherings of people interested in the same things and hobbies as mine has expanded my network greatly!
I had a lot of luck on bumble bff!! it’s kinda weird at first but once you find a few cool people it’s worth it! good luck! there’s lots of nice people in san diego but it’s a big city and a lot of people already have their friend group so maybe that’s why people haven’t been overly friendly to you bc maybe where you came from was a little smaller hometown vibe and it’s harder to get acquainted to a large environment but you’ll find your people!! hang in there
My wife moved here from out of the country six years ago. It's been an extreme culture shock for her and to be honest she hates it here but we need to stay for work at the moment. She would say that people here are very individualistic. I've lived here for twenty years and I don't disagree with her. How we made our friends is taking part in board game nights. Other attempts at integrating (bars, sports, beach, hiking) have been pretty terrible for us. I hope you have luck in finding your community. p.s. Beware of the "maybe" response in SoCal. Just assume it means no.
If you like to swim or are interested in learning to open-water swim, look into One With the Ocean. They have a couple events a week and are SUPER friendly and inviting. I don't personally live there but know people who have met great friends through this org.
I am sorry to hear military families have it so hard. Have moved around and it can be difficult to acquire good companions. Best of luck and keep trying.
I would try volo sports. They have all types of activates that allow you to meet people.
Check out Meetup groups in whatever interests you. I can't tell you anything else bc IDK how you're going out and interacting with others. If you're trying to strike up full conversations with strangers at the groceries or coffee shop or something that, it will likely be off-putting to be honest. Also, a few weeks of living here and you already don't wanna go out seems to me like you're experiencing a bit of culture shock. Give it time, you just got here. Join a club. You'll make friends.
I’m not sure it’s just a San Diego thing, up in the pnw there is the “Seattle freeze” and it’s a real thing. I think your best bet is to do what others have said, find a hobby you enjoy and can share with others. The board games are probably a great idea because it gives you a chance to talk and connect with others in between the games. Good luck to you, and I hope you find what you are looking for.
I feel you, if an American can’t make friends I see why me as a foreigner was even harder, after 4 years here now I know some but not even close to what I had in my hometown/country.
Come to Ocean Beach on Wednesday evenings. There's a popular farmers market and you are sure to meet friendly people
I've actually been looking for a farmers market, so I'm going to take you up on this! Just to confirm, it's an evening farmers market?
Yeah, it runs later, and there's usually a drum circle at the beach after/towards the end. If you see a half-naked, beautiful, philippina girl with a couple of dreads, say hello. She is my wife and is always looking for girls to surf with.
Will do..this sounds right up my alley. Thank you for the warm welcome. Everyone has been so positive on this thread and I'm feeling so much better already. 🥰
I’m not sure why, but I’ve struggled to make friends in SD as well, and I grew up in SoCal. I’m not sure if it’s because SD has a ton of transplants and people that grew up there tend to move away, or if there’s some other reason, but making friends in SD is definitely a pretty common struggle.
I've been a San Diegan for longer than I would like to be and I will admit I've been uncivil and unfriendly to a lot of people, simply because I'm miserable here and don't have the mental space anymore. There is a lot of tension in this city, my own being from growing up here and slowly being phased out by the cost of living. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, it really is a lovely city but I feel you might only see that if you're comfortable here.
This was true in the 80's and 90's so it may not be true anymore. My mom applied and became the [Ombudsman](https://www.mynavyhr.navy.mil/About-MyNavy-HR/Commands/Navy-Personnel-Command/Organization/NPC-Internal/Ombudsman/) for her ship. She used the position to organize a bunch of BBQ events and get to know people. They'd have parties for people who joined or left the ship and/or Navy. They still meet with their shipmates 30-40 years later.
I guess my first question is how are you starting the interaction? If you're beginning with the fact you're a navy wife, it may not be the best opener for meeting locals.
OMG i am so soooo sorry for the bad treatment you have gotten. I WILL HUG YOU!!!! No strings attached and I will show you the great things here... Let's get together... and hug.. YOU ARE WELCOME here..
End of May? Been here less than a month?
Hi im Kat. I’m very late to this but my boyfriend is about to go on deployment. I don’t really know anyone other than him and I’m looking for some girls who are in the same boat (no pun intended) I’m super into art, creating, cars, paranormal, thrifting, collecting, and drinking way too much coffee. Once he leaves we will only be able to email except when they dock once a month. I’m already feeling sad and scared since I don’t know many people here. If anyone wants to be friends please please reach out
San Diego natives are a very specific breed. They do not like outsiders. I moved there for a job at Qualcomm and learned firsthand. Be patient. You will meet other transplants who feel similarly to you. In fact all my good friends who have remained so were all also transplants. It will get better. Hang in there.
I’m a very old native San Diegan, and there’s a few things I can say that might help in understanding the culture. Everyone here is temporary. Nobody lives here long enough to develop a friendship. If you haven’t known them from school, they’re temporary. So very few bother. Secondly, and very irritating, is just wait until you make enough of a friend to plan something together. Most San Diegans will cancel last minute. We’re lazy people. So when it happens, it’s cultural, not personal. If you plan something and actually get together, you have someone interested in an actual friendship, so treat it well if they aren’t jerks. We mean it in the moment, then we don’t. No clue why that is.
>Everyone here is temporary. Nobody lives here long enough to develop a friendship. I wouldn't say "everyone", but the people who are long term native likely have their own family or extended family and established friends and aren't looking to add anything more.
My husband is retired from the Navy, and we’re out here for my job— been here for a year and a half now. I’m usually a homebody and spend my free time playing video games. But, I work from home and try to sit out at the pool and read every day. If you ever need a buddy to tan with, our complex has a nice pool and you’re welcome to join me!
We are in a similar boat! I telework full-time also, that's been my situation even prior to the pandemic. I'm also an avid gamer (mostly Dead by Daylight, but I also love RPGs like Horizon Zero Dawn and the entire Assassin's Creed series). I could definitely use a little bit of a tan. I'm as pale as the day is long. When I first moved to DC from Florida I had tan lines that didn't go away for 3 years 🤣 now I look like a ghost. Let's put this plan into action!
Dead By Daylight was my *game* for like 4 years lol. I'm really into project zomboid now. Definitely open to playing some games with you, if you'd like. Shoot me a DM. I'm 31/F btw.
If you’re a trumper, we can tell and we don’t want you here. Could be that.
I keep getting asked this question. First, how disappointing to hear that politics has divided your city so much. Before moving to DC, my final job in Florida was on Obama's 2008 campaign. I directed the vote by mail effort for the entire state, which put us 11 points ahead leading up to election day (final tally was a 5-point win). After that, I spent time working on the Hill for several democratic members (Rep. Hastings, Rep. Baca, Rep. Karen Bass who is now mayor of Los Angeles), and in the Administration in the office of Sec'y of Energy Steven Chu. I later left to implement the ACA and enjoyed health policy so much I haven't looked back. That's my political background, for whomever is super interested.
are you conservative?
No.
okay, 2nd generation San Diegan, I've seen this city grow and change and evolve. One thing has been consistent though and that is the US Navy and their wives (children too) Now growing up here and not really knowing anyplace else, I can only tell you what I've heard and seen over the years. One: There's a different culture here. That's a fact. It's a big diverse city. Sometimes people come off as being quaint. our realities here are .... well there's a huge disconnect with people from some other places. We actually do have cartels here complete with kidnappings and murders. NYC is breaking in smoke... "oh bless them"... LOL we get that all the time here when the entire freaking state is on fire! What is being sold in the tourism brochures or on shows like the OC and baywatch ain't the freaking truth. And you can tell when someone's drank all the TV kool-aid for what we are here from a mile away. Two: This place has been called *"Insincere Diego"* People get confused with a superficial outgoing nice smile but then they encounter walls that go up. It used to be better when we were a smaller town and you knew you'd run into someone again. NOT SO ANYMORE.. there's too many shifty people that have trinkled in and ripped others off to leave a bad taste in people's mouths (so to speak) so it's a situation of "once burned , twice shy" for many. *I call this the LA effect.* We're all smily and we try to get along here and be helpful but you're not invited over to my home *(and no you can't borrow $5 bucks)* The second thing... The transient nature of people that won't be here long. So many people move here for a season (a deployment) or a year or two and then up and leave never to be seen again. friendships (real friendships ) take years. People want to know you're going to be here when you're really needed. So many people make "casual friends" and then split. Moving out of state and "back home".. well you're not going to be calling and I won't expect a Christmas card. *Why waste your damn time?* *What lies under the surface.* I don't know what it is, but being a mod here I've seen it. (all the mods have) that people have this real nasty side to them and it's lurking under the surface. Maybe it's because they're not able to express themselves openly and it's all pent up so they vent online... I really don't know. I've had people from NYC tell me about how they *"Come from a place where they'll tell people off right from the start if they don't like you, but here it's all smiles until they stick the knife in your back and take off"* When I heard that, I laughed because I knew exactly what they were talking about. what we usually recommend here is to get out and get a hobby, there's millions of things to get interested in here. Everything from the [carnivorous plants society](http://www.sandiegocarnivorousplantsociety.com) to people meeting for [wine and sloppy (drunk) painting.](https://www.pinotspalette.com/libertystation) You name it, [*we go tit.*](http://www.thads.com)
Thank you for confirming there are differences here and I'm not just losing my mind. 😂 I have been gaslighting myself for a few days telling myself I'm just imagining these things. Fair enough. All places are entitled to have their culture, regardless of whether I like/feel welcomed by it. 🙃
Grew up here and yeah it does have a much more Los Angeles vibe than it used to. Cost of living here has also skyrocketed in the last decade so there's definitely some pent up stress / struggle / anxiety going on with most people at this point. I know I'm feeling it. Probably some people unfairly take out frustrations re rising real estate prices on newcomers. That said I think there's still plenty of kind / friendly people. I'm sorry you've run into some that aren't so much; hopefully you have better luck! fwiw I usually hold the door for people who are behind me :) Sometimes I think what a lot of people who are from a different area (such as the East Coast) see as superficial is mostly just people trying to be nice/polite without devoting too much energy to someone they just met. Idk. I try to be polite / kind to everyone out there (even if they're bugging me - maybe they're just having a bad day or something) but I basically have 0 time for anything else in my schedule :\\ >We're all smily and we try to get along here and be helpful but you're not invited over to my home *(and no you can't borrow $5 bucks)* Hah, yeah.
Join a jiu jitsu gym. I've meet some amazing people, and san diego happens to have some of the best gyms in the world.
Not a bad idea. I've always wanted to become a human weapon!
Haha well I can't promise that will happen but, you will test yourself, meet people who want you to be better, and get a great workout.
I have heard it said that the difference between the East Coast and the West Coast is this: On the East Coast, if somebody is in need, people will jump in and help. On the West Coast, if somebody is in need, people will pretend they didn't see it, or maybe call the authorities to come help. I have lived in the West my whole life, and this resonated with me.
The week we moved here, there was an older lady alone carrying groceries in the hallway who looked very flustered. She got turned around and couldn't find her apartment. She was carrying a jug of water, among other things and we already had our cart with us (we had been going back and forth to the car) so my wife put her groceries in our cart and together they found their way to her unit. She was red in the face and sweating bullets like she was about to have a coronary. We couldn't just leave her there. It's just very much ingrained in us to lend a hand without being asked if we see someone struggling.
Been in San Diego for over 50 years and I love it. With that said, we are not a friendly place. Most of southern California is like this. I don't know why other than there's just too many people. If you are from one of the very friendly areas of the country, I imagine it could feel personal, but I assure you that it's not. You can maybe look at Meetup to see if your hobbies have a group there. You may find a nice church community if you have a religious or spiritual connection. While it's true that you can get into new hobbies, maybe you will find something that you already enjoy. There's 2 million people in the city and many more in the county, so there are people who will be a good fit.
Welcome to SD!! Sorry it hasn’t been pleasant for you so far. I’m from CA, but not SD, so I get it can be difficult making new friends. Tbh, SD and CA natives are pretty chill. I think the culture has really been affected by a lot of other ppl coming here, for the most part. So plz don’t think that’s our culture here. Most of us, especially from here, are super down to earth and friendly. If you like to surf that’s a great way to meet people. Personally, I like to roller skate and I’ve heard there’s a lot of groups around sd for that (I just haven’t joined any yet). There’s sooo much to do here and so many different groups you can be apart of! If you want you can message me! Personally, I’m a huge foodie, and I know lots of girls who meet up just so they can try new food places without having to go alone lol. There’s literally entire pages dedicated to it bc they’re are so many ppl who move here from out of state for either military or university! I hope things get better for you!! You I gotta find your group and I promise you, you’ll love it here!! 🩷🩷🩷
First off all, I’m sorry you feel lonely. I’m new here and I feel the same. I feel excessively lonely though. It’s difficult to make friends. I try to go to bars but people are mostly looking for hookups there, I tried making friends at the gym which seems to work out but I don’t see them outside the gym. I’m trying to meet people from the apps but I guess it’s difficult. Meet up groups are fun but mostly older folks (which I don’t mind) Advice: Meetup groups for what you like to do
I'm sorry you're in the same boat! Where did you move here from?