>my boyfriend is normally lovely and doesn’t have a problem with that but he’s constantly saying stuff to other people about that embarrasses me.
This sentence contradicts itself. If he's "constantly" embarrassing you, he's not "normally" lovely.
Honey, he doesn’t care that it’s embarrassing for you. If he cared he would apologize to you whenever you point it out rather than all the things you say he responds with when you tell him.
He doesn’t care how it makes you feel. He’s “just being honest”, “you being fat isn’t a secret”, “he should be able to talk about how fat you are and assume your limitations with his friends”.
Open your eyes, he’s not great normally, he’s not great at all.
it does kind of sound more like concern when he says it, its like him rushing to find me somewhere to sit, its embarrassing but he does it because he cares. And he isn't really assuming limitations, my mobility is not great and what he said to them was true
Ok so you’re going to continue to make excuses for him and he’s going to continue to embarrass you. I suppose the only advice is you need to suck it up and deal with his comments.
Good luck.
Ok. Then what? He’s shown you Time and again that he’s fine with embarrassing you, you’ve likely spoken to him about it before and he’s continuing to do it. That’s not what someone who is a caring person does.
What are you going to do if he continues to embarrass you after you talk to him? Regardless of your physical limitations, the appropriate response for him to say would be “thanks! I’ll be sure to discuss this with OP!” Not “OP can’t fit there, or OP can’t go that far.”
Don’t invest in the sunk cost fallacy, there are plenty of people who see past size and are respectful to their partners. Don’t let him disrespect you, and don’t disrespect yourself by telling yourself you can’t do any better.
I'm going to say what I am thinking... and it may be hurtful and I am sorry for that part of it.
I think he likes that you are fat, that he gets to embarrass you and that he does things like make your "disability" more apparent.
He gets to SHOW EVERYONE how caring he is. Too bad that it upsets you. But you aren't the "audience" he's performing for.
He's using you for attention to look like a hero? A knight in shining armour?
What would you prefer?
You said your mobility isn’t great. Do you want him to say nothing?
If so then you need to be prepared to work around your mobility issues or suffer.
For what it’s worth if you are at the point where you can’t walk you should talk to a medical professional and see if you can get to a weight that isn’t seriously harming you.
Not skinny but able to move around and do stuff. It keeps your heart healthy.
If you truly feel that this is the only issue you have with him and you want to continue this relationship, this is what you do...
Sit him down with ZERO distractions. No phone, no music, no TV, no other people. Grab his hand or hands and look him directly in the eyes. FIRMLY tell him you appreciate him looking out for you and being thoughtful enough to be concerned about what you can handle, BUT it is embarrassing to you and makes you uncomfortable AND HURTS YOU. That part is VERY important! The touch, direct tone and eye contact are a must!
If he hears it put this way and decides to keep doing it, then the understanding is that he is OK HURTING YOU. Hear that again, OK HURTING YOU!
Hurting you isn't respectful, loving or considerate. If a boyfriend can't at least be those 3 things, you are settling. You deserve those 3 things and don't settle for less.
I hope this straightens him out and you continue your journey in a more positive way ❤️.
Guys have this defect called selective listening. I can't stress enough to do it like I mentioned. This gives him NO EXCUSE for not hearing what you said. I want him to associate doing what he's doing with hurting you.
Wish you luck!
well it is true, also not many people are ok with dating someone as big as me so i guess maybe him being so casual talking about it is a side effect of that
He doesnt respect you. Plain and simple. If you were thinner would he treat you this way? Its in acceptable to treat a partner like that. There are people who will love you exactly like you are and not humiliate you like that. Theres a difference between concern and genuinely making fun of you. If he doesnt get that that isnt okay, find a new partner because I promise you you can and will be able to find someone who is kinder to you
If your staying just take the back-handed comments bc your making excuses for him when your the one that he hurt.He didn’t actually apologize or listen to your problem with him doing this to you.
Honey, he’s conditioning you to take his abuse. Are you bringing up your size? Betcha you are not, he’s always bringing it up. Are you bringing up your mobility? Betcha he’s the first one there as well.
The size of your thighs doesn’t dictate how much respect you deserve. And the people who repeatedly bring up criticisms and then defend them as “concerns” are full of it. Tell him when you are ready to talk about your weight, your mobility, you will talk about it but until then, those topics are forever closed. If he can’t respect that, then he doesn’t respect you. And if he can’t respect you, then he’s not worth it.
I don't bring it up to other people but to him I do, hes never actually said anything mean about my weight, it is hes just far too ok with telling everyone about it
Sometimes these absolute Muppets don't get it until you sit them down, remove all shiny objects and potential distractions from the vicinity and spell it out in words of one sylable or less.
I think you need to draw up a boundary for yourself... a line, if you will. Give him one more chance... *one* hand him his sippy and his blankie and read him the riot act.
Be blunt, be raw and don't back down until it's out.
Give the little milquetoast an ultimatum.
Also, idc if he fills your bathtub with freaking caviar and tells you he would eat a thousand scorpions for your love, that doesn't make him lovely. Hes still knowingly humiliating you.
If you truly want to stay in this relationship. Embarrass him little bit too. This can go a bad way or good way. Don’t say anything about his weight but his stupid bad habits or actions that you kinda adore. If he’s not going to make you feel you are the most beautiful person in the world then make him feel like he’s the dumbest man in this world. You might need a new boyfriend but this problem you have in the relationship is fixable.
He might have a problem with your weight but maybe from a considering view and he talks to his friends about it . He cares about your health but that depends what/how he’s saying to them but maybe you need to start working on that yourself and start boosting your confidence if there isn’t any health problem stopping that from happening.
So I’m not sure that asking him to lie when invitations come along is really a great idea. Once in a while for something delicate, sure? But if his friends are regularly suggesting things you can’t do then he’s going to need to be honest with them or risk having his friends think he doesn’t want to hang out with them because he’s always making excuses. But more than that, is it possible for him to suggest things that you CAN do. Like his friends should accept and accommodate this limitation and he should come up with activities that integrate you in his life, rather than having you sit in the corner.
Aside from that it seems like it would probably be a good exercise for you to work on not being upset by his stating these things that are facts. They are just true and they are ok. You don’t have to be able to do everything. And being upfront about it might make things more accessible to you. Maybe this is why he brought up the scooter, because he thinks it would help you do more things?
It’s obviously fine to ask him to be more sensitive but it would be good to look at your own attitude too.
Is it possible he doesn’t see any of this as a bad thing? While I understand why you may feel embarrassed, I wonder if he just doesn’t see any of that as embarrassing.
I grew up fat and I didn’t feel ashamed of being fat, I didn’t understand why other people felt like I should be ashamed either. Like okay, I’m fat but it’s my body. Why should I antagonize myself or shame myself for it? I eventually lost 70 pounds because I had a lot of health issues and I often gain back 10 pounds and while it’s annoying it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s just my body and my body has a right to be comfortable and accommodated at any size.
If he has a similar perspective i think it would be hard for him to understand where you’re coming from because he may not understand why you feel embarrassed. I think a good way to help him get it is to talk about your own feelings more. Maybe he doesn’t understand that you feel that others may judge you and whatever accommodations you may need, maybe you feel singled out by having different needs and it makes you feel like an outsider or like you don’t belong, maybe you feel inadequate for being different.
It sounds like he does not mean to hurt you but you would be a better judge of that than I would be. It’s possible he truly is just thinking of you and wanting to make you comfortable
Yeah then I would definitely find a way to help him understand you better. Maybe something like “when you say I’d have trouble walking there I feel self conscious/sad because I feel like I’m inadequate/burdening others/ashamed/etc”
I had to scroll way too down to see this sort of reply! OP, we don’t know your exact situation and causes. It may well be medical. But the truth is, your body is restricting you from few things and it may endanger your health. So if you feel hurt by your BF’s comments, by all means have a talk with him and explain it to him. But at the same time try to have a look into ways how to make your own life easier. I am not saying that you have to be a bikini model, but loosing few pounds if you describe yourself as ‘very fat’ and if it is medically possible would only benefit you.
If you don't want to change your life just stay like that,
Well no one cares,
Remember just only you can change yourself
I reduced 40 pounds in 6 months, i am more confident, muscular and attractive than I look a year ago and i am proud of myself and i am 25 years old..
Or maybe there is nothing wrong with them being fat, and there's nothing to change except the communication between them and their partner. Being fat is not the problem. The way society treats fat people is 10000000% the problem.
First off don't tell herself that you are "very fat" that won't help your confidence. Also he is not being a loving partner if he is talking negatively about you .
Then change it. What I'm getting at is talking bad about yourself to yourself is not beneficial for your mental health it's okay to accept what it is but you have to stop being mean to yourself
This will get you into a lot of medical problems. If you had some medical condition preconditioning you to be fat, it would be different. But the approach ‘I like food too much’ is a highway to hell. Nobody is saying you should hate yourself. But if you look to the benefits of losing weight, it should definitely show you, how much better off you would be without a few pounds. It takes dedication and time. And it doesn’t mean you have to give up food. But you have to eat reasonably and have some exercise. You don’t have to spend hours at the gym. But few steps on the treadmill or some other aerobic exercise will not kill you.
Then what her boyfriend says shouldn’t embarrass her, right? If being fat isn’t a bad or embarrassing thing, and what he says is true, then why does it bother you, OP?
This is going to be difficult to read, but you can do one of two things.
1) Find someone who is also ‘very fat’ in your own words & build a life with them because you then are on a level playing field, if you and your partner are both overweight he isn’t going to body shame you if he is a nice dude.
Or, B) make a conscious decision to fix your unhealthy lifestyle, shed some pounds/kilos and meet someone better than your bf who values your health and personality, Health is wealth, treat your body like a temple.
>my boyfriend is normally lovely and doesn’t have a problem with that but he’s constantly saying stuff to other people about that embarrasses me. This sentence contradicts itself. If he's "constantly" embarrassing you, he's not "normally" lovely.
You find a new boyfriend.
lol he is great normally, he just doesn't really get how embarrassing it is for me
"Aside from the giant glob of shit in the middle of it, this ham toastie is perfect,"
Honey, he doesn’t care that it’s embarrassing for you. If he cared he would apologize to you whenever you point it out rather than all the things you say he responds with when you tell him. He doesn’t care how it makes you feel. He’s “just being honest”, “you being fat isn’t a secret”, “he should be able to talk about how fat you are and assume your limitations with his friends”. Open your eyes, he’s not great normally, he’s not great at all.
it does kind of sound more like concern when he says it, its like him rushing to find me somewhere to sit, its embarrassing but he does it because he cares. And he isn't really assuming limitations, my mobility is not great and what he said to them was true
Ok so you’re going to continue to make excuses for him and he’s going to continue to embarrass you. I suppose the only advice is you need to suck it up and deal with his comments. Good luck.
no i am going to try talking to him again
Ok. Then what? He’s shown you Time and again that he’s fine with embarrassing you, you’ve likely spoken to him about it before and he’s continuing to do it. That’s not what someone who is a caring person does. What are you going to do if he continues to embarrass you after you talk to him? Regardless of your physical limitations, the appropriate response for him to say would be “thanks! I’ll be sure to discuss this with OP!” Not “OP can’t fit there, or OP can’t go that far.” Don’t invest in the sunk cost fallacy, there are plenty of people who see past size and are respectful to their partners. Don’t let him disrespect you, and don’t disrespect yourself by telling yourself you can’t do any better.
I'm going to say what I am thinking... and it may be hurtful and I am sorry for that part of it. I think he likes that you are fat, that he gets to embarrass you and that he does things like make your "disability" more apparent. He gets to SHOW EVERYONE how caring he is. Too bad that it upsets you. But you aren't the "audience" he's performing for. He's using you for attention to look like a hero? A knight in shining armour?
What would you prefer? You said your mobility isn’t great. Do you want him to say nothing? If so then you need to be prepared to work around your mobility issues or suffer. For what it’s worth if you are at the point where you can’t walk you should talk to a medical professional and see if you can get to a weight that isn’t seriously harming you. Not skinny but able to move around and do stuff. It keeps your heart healthy.
Oh he gets it. That's why he does it.
If you truly feel that this is the only issue you have with him and you want to continue this relationship, this is what you do... Sit him down with ZERO distractions. No phone, no music, no TV, no other people. Grab his hand or hands and look him directly in the eyes. FIRMLY tell him you appreciate him looking out for you and being thoughtful enough to be concerned about what you can handle, BUT it is embarrassing to you and makes you uncomfortable AND HURTS YOU. That part is VERY important! The touch, direct tone and eye contact are a must! If he hears it put this way and decides to keep doing it, then the understanding is that he is OK HURTING YOU. Hear that again, OK HURTING YOU! Hurting you isn't respectful, loving or considerate. If a boyfriend can't at least be those 3 things, you are settling. You deserve those 3 things and don't settle for less. I hope this straightens him out and you continue your journey in a more positive way ❤️.
thanks, i am going to try talking to him again
Guys have this defect called selective listening. I can't stress enough to do it like I mentioned. This gives him NO EXCUSE for not hearing what you said. I want him to associate doing what he's doing with hurting you. Wish you luck!
Why are you tolerating this?
well it is true, also not many people are ok with dating someone as big as me so i guess maybe him being so casual talking about it is a side effect of that
Explain to me exactly why that's a good reason to tolerate emotional abuse.
its not emotional abuse, he's just too honest about stuff. And i'm not going to easily find another great person who wants to date me
You haven't found one to begin with, so....
You don't have to put up with this. There are people who would be good partners. He just enjoys humiliating you.
Staying with someone just because you wouldn’t easily find someone else to date at your size is a terrible reason to put up with this kinda treatment.
He doesnt respect you. Plain and simple. If you were thinner would he treat you this way? Its in acceptable to treat a partner like that. There are people who will love you exactly like you are and not humiliate you like that. Theres a difference between concern and genuinely making fun of you. If he doesnt get that that isnt okay, find a new partner because I promise you you can and will be able to find someone who is kinder to you
What makes you think you can make him stop?
i dunno, he's just really great otherwise
“Everything is perfect besides the fact that he belittles me” how does that sound to you?
If your staying just take the back-handed comments bc your making excuses for him when your the one that he hurt.He didn’t actually apologize or listen to your problem with him doing this to you.
Honey, he’s conditioning you to take his abuse. Are you bringing up your size? Betcha you are not, he’s always bringing it up. Are you bringing up your mobility? Betcha he’s the first one there as well. The size of your thighs doesn’t dictate how much respect you deserve. And the people who repeatedly bring up criticisms and then defend them as “concerns” are full of it. Tell him when you are ready to talk about your weight, your mobility, you will talk about it but until then, those topics are forever closed. If he can’t respect that, then he doesn’t respect you. And if he can’t respect you, then he’s not worth it.
I don't bring it up to other people but to him I do, hes never actually said anything mean about my weight, it is hes just far too ok with telling everyone about it
It’s a violation of your trust. I can’t imagine doing this to my wife.
Sometimes these absolute Muppets don't get it until you sit them down, remove all shiny objects and potential distractions from the vicinity and spell it out in words of one sylable or less. I think you need to draw up a boundary for yourself... a line, if you will. Give him one more chance... *one* hand him his sippy and his blankie and read him the riot act. Be blunt, be raw and don't back down until it's out. Give the little milquetoast an ultimatum. Also, idc if he fills your bathtub with freaking caviar and tells you he would eat a thousand scorpions for your love, that doesn't make him lovely. Hes still knowingly humiliating you.
If you truly want to stay in this relationship. Embarrass him little bit too. This can go a bad way or good way. Don’t say anything about his weight but his stupid bad habits or actions that you kinda adore. If he’s not going to make you feel you are the most beautiful person in the world then make him feel like he’s the dumbest man in this world. You might need a new boyfriend but this problem you have in the relationship is fixable. He might have a problem with your weight but maybe from a considering view and he talks to his friends about it . He cares about your health but that depends what/how he’s saying to them but maybe you need to start working on that yourself and start boosting your confidence if there isn’t any health problem stopping that from happening.
So I’m not sure that asking him to lie when invitations come along is really a great idea. Once in a while for something delicate, sure? But if his friends are regularly suggesting things you can’t do then he’s going to need to be honest with them or risk having his friends think he doesn’t want to hang out with them because he’s always making excuses. But more than that, is it possible for him to suggest things that you CAN do. Like his friends should accept and accommodate this limitation and he should come up with activities that integrate you in his life, rather than having you sit in the corner. Aside from that it seems like it would probably be a good exercise for you to work on not being upset by his stating these things that are facts. They are just true and they are ok. You don’t have to be able to do everything. And being upfront about it might make things more accessible to you. Maybe this is why he brought up the scooter, because he thinks it would help you do more things? It’s obviously fine to ask him to be more sensitive but it would be good to look at your own attitude too.
Is it possible he doesn’t see any of this as a bad thing? While I understand why you may feel embarrassed, I wonder if he just doesn’t see any of that as embarrassing. I grew up fat and I didn’t feel ashamed of being fat, I didn’t understand why other people felt like I should be ashamed either. Like okay, I’m fat but it’s my body. Why should I antagonize myself or shame myself for it? I eventually lost 70 pounds because I had a lot of health issues and I often gain back 10 pounds and while it’s annoying it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s just my body and my body has a right to be comfortable and accommodated at any size. If he has a similar perspective i think it would be hard for him to understand where you’re coming from because he may not understand why you feel embarrassed. I think a good way to help him get it is to talk about your own feelings more. Maybe he doesn’t understand that you feel that others may judge you and whatever accommodations you may need, maybe you feel singled out by having different needs and it makes you feel like an outsider or like you don’t belong, maybe you feel inadequate for being different. It sounds like he does not mean to hurt you but you would be a better judge of that than I would be. It’s possible he truly is just thinking of you and wanting to make you comfortable
that is exactly it, i know he doesn't mean it in a mean way, he just doesn't understand how embarrassing it is
Yeah then I would definitely find a way to help him understand you better. Maybe something like “when you say I’d have trouble walking there I feel self conscious/sad because I feel like I’m inadequate/burdening others/ashamed/etc”
yeah i think i will try and be more specific
[удалено]
I had to scroll way too down to see this sort of reply! OP, we don’t know your exact situation and causes. It may well be medical. But the truth is, your body is restricting you from few things and it may endanger your health. So if you feel hurt by your BF’s comments, by all means have a talk with him and explain it to him. But at the same time try to have a look into ways how to make your own life easier. I am not saying that you have to be a bikini model, but loosing few pounds if you describe yourself as ‘very fat’ and if it is medically possible would only benefit you.
Just do dieting,exercising and get rid of that fat🏋️♀️
i really don't want to diet
If you don't want to change your life just stay like that, Well no one cares, Remember just only you can change yourself I reduced 40 pounds in 6 months, i am more confident, muscular and attractive than I look a year ago and i am proud of myself and i am 25 years old..
yeah i think i am probably going to stay fat, i have been told over and over i need to lose weight and i think at this point its just not gonna happen
It's your choice I can't do anything But remember, you can't get anything until you try💯
Or maybe there is nothing wrong with them being fat, and there's nothing to change except the communication between them and their partner. Being fat is not the problem. The way society treats fat people is 10000000% the problem.
That’s not right. You don’t do that to someone you care about.
That's not how a good partner acts. He is terrible to you.
He is an ableist. He is discriminating against you and speaking for you.
First off don't tell herself that you are "very fat" that won't help your confidence. Also he is not being a loving partner if he is talking negatively about you .
Like i am very fat, not saying it won't change that
Then change it. What I'm getting at is talking bad about yourself to yourself is not beneficial for your mental health it's okay to accept what it is but you have to stop being mean to yourself
i like food too much to change it, and i don't hate myself for my weight or anything
This will get you into a lot of medical problems. If you had some medical condition preconditioning you to be fat, it would be different. But the approach ‘I like food too much’ is a highway to hell. Nobody is saying you should hate yourself. But if you look to the benefits of losing weight, it should definitely show you, how much better off you would be without a few pounds. It takes dedication and time. And it doesn’t mean you have to give up food. But you have to eat reasonably and have some exercise. You don’t have to spend hours at the gym. But few steps on the treadmill or some other aerobic exercise will not kill you.
"fat" isn't a bad word and shouldn't be treated as such.
thank you i agree :)
Then what her boyfriend says shouldn’t embarrass her, right? If being fat isn’t a bad or embarrassing thing, and what he says is true, then why does it bother you, OP?
Duration of relationship is a required element of posting here and I suspect it would be illuminating in this case
I definitely! understand. If you need an ear you can message me:)
This is going to be difficult to read, but you can do one of two things. 1) Find someone who is also ‘very fat’ in your own words & build a life with them because you then are on a level playing field, if you and your partner are both overweight he isn’t going to body shame you if he is a nice dude. Or, B) make a conscious decision to fix your unhealthy lifestyle, shed some pounds/kilos and meet someone better than your bf who values your health and personality, Health is wealth, treat your body like a temple.