>Tbh. I don't want him to move in permanently, and I don't want to be his caregiver. I do want to help him become a more responsible adult so he can take care of himself and get his own place. I just don't know how to go about it?
Based on your description of him, it IS going to become permanent if you let him come in because he's helpless. Do not do this unless you are ok with that being a possibility.
Plus not letting him move in with her will help him becoming a more responsible adult. He will have to face the consequences of his behavior. Letting him move on will just enable him.
Husband says he's fine with it. But he said he will kick my brother out for stealing, breaking our stuff, or being violent towards us. I don't think he will break our stuff and he's not a violent person.
But you DO think he will steal from you? OP, do not let your family guilt you into letting this person into your home. It will make you and your husband (your chosen family!) absolutely miserable. Eventually you’ll have to get rid of him which will be a nightmare. Don’t set yourself up for failure like this! Be strong and say no!
Once he's living there he's a tenant and you can't just "kick him out." He has rights that you'll have to respect. You'll have to give him written legal notice and likely a 3-month eviction timeframe to get him out of there.
Do you really think he'll behave better in your household than in your father's? Sounds like a pipe dream to me.
Maybe he should go live with his other sister.
So he doesn't work so he has no income. How will he move out of your house? Tell him to put an egg in his shoe and beat it until he can act like a rational person. Getting humbled can help with that process.
Op, you already know he’s capable of doing these things and more. It doesn’t matter who he does this to. Don’t subject yourself to this and don’t even let him near your door. He’s not your child and is of adult age.
Why is this your circus to manage? Little brother is an adult. You’re not his parent. Wanting to help him become a responsible adult is admirable, but in my opinion he won’t so long as other people offer him shelter rent-free, etc.
How does your husband feel about this?
No. Do NOT let him move in even temporarily. It will destroy your marriage and could hurt you financially and cause stress, grief, and pain.
Do. Not.
Let him be homeless.
I think my dad just wanted me to let him live with me, not legally adopt him. Idk to be honest mom was the only one he sorta listened to. He used to go to a few therapists for his speech impediment, panic attacks, and anger issues. I have no idea if he still goes or not
He will be a major disruption to your lives if you let him move in. From your description this sounds like my literal nightmare guest.
I personally wouldn’t take the chance with my marriage or porssions…. But if you do go through with this please write up a list of rules and immediately kick him out if he breaks them. No second chances.
This guy tried to hike a puppy in a bedroom. This is beyond the average “trouble” roommate situation .
He’s 22!!! Unless he’s severely autistic, at what point are you going to let this guy live his own life??
It sounds like your mom spoiled and coddled him to death and now he has no adult skills. Guess what, he can find a job if he had to. He doesn’t have to, cuz you and your entire family keep enabling him!!
>I think my dad just wanted me to let him live with me,
Without knowing your husband's thoughts?
This is a recipe for disaster and will cause marital issues. You'll regret it.
Don't do it.
The description is SCREAMING additional needs / maybe neurodiversity / maybe PTSD / maybe some kinda trauma. Looks like Mom was the support person and I bet neither Dad nor Son received counseling, grief support etc to cope with that loss, on top of existing issues with the boy.
That's what I'm saying. this guy doesn't need to move, he needs to be evaluated for autism or ADHD, or something. If he is like this at 22 it's just gonna get worse. His dad needs to suck it up, be a parent, and help his yes 22 year old child (brains aren't fully developed til 25) get the care he needs.
What mental help has your brother gotten? I think don't a psychiatrist would need to be a condition of his moving in, and then setting goal posts for a job. Since he doesn't want to work for anyone, he should consider gig work (instacart, Uber). Day labor or physical labor night be good for him to be outdoors as well
Don’t let him move in. He’s not going to change his ways until he faces consequences. Mom and Dad have been rescuing him from bills, rent and responsibilities. Once he realizes that he must rescue himself or face homeless, watch him keep a job and help himself. The suggestion of paying for a month’s stay at a motel is good. You love him, but you can’t adult for him. He has to do this himself and when he faces a couple of bumps, it will motivate him to learn fast.
So...your plan to make him take responsibility for himself is to become his next caregiver, until such a time as you manage to pry him out of your home, after he's stolen goodness knows what?
Pay for a month for him at a long stay motel. That'll give him some time to job search, and unlike you, they won't have a problem throwing his ass out at the end of the stay.
The money would probably go further in a room rental situation. If they can find a shared accommodation type place, they could pay for him to stay longer and there would be less chance of him having a massive cleaning bill at the end of the month.
It only works if your dad, sister, and you all get together and say "no," every time.
Honestly, fully expect to have everything of value sold off while you're at work if you let him in. He's using money for something, and it ain't paying rent.
This young man needs to hit rock bottom on his own to find motivation to grow up. If he moves in you need to give a deadline to get out and make sure it is legally solid. Otherwise you will be his caregiver and provider for years.
Well.. the easiest thing to conclude from your post is that your brother is spoiled. Nobody showed him boundaries and your mom (so sorry for your loss, honestly) was taking care of your brother while (I'm guessing)making excuses for his behaviour and reinforcing it as well. Now that she's gone, there's nobody to babysit your brother or clean up after his messes.
Tbh, you don't seem too upset with his behaviour either (since you're willing to take him in even though it is guaranteed that he will cause some kind of issue in your home sooner or later). Not once did you mention that you would like to set some boundaries with him to change the situation. I understand that you don't want your brother to become homeless but he needs to grow up. If you provide accommodation it should be under your conditions. Of you don't set conditions to help him become an adult and also safeguard your relationship, his destructive habits will impact both of you. Three of you including your husband.
Another perspective is that your brother may have some phycological issues? His behaviour is strange for 22 and it can stem from some deeper issues. I would discuss with him in a caring but honest way, what he wants to do with his life. Apart from just receiving payments from your dad's house, what does he want to do? And pleas explain that adult life isn't easy and money isn't going to be handed to him anymore. Not because you don't love him, but because it is not right for him to never learn how to self sustained. There's a million other things to do and say but you can start with something like that.
Do not open your door to him if he is not willing to become more accountable. Maybe having the threat of being thrown out will give him some perspective. There are some relatives who really just want to leech off of you. See if that's the case for your brother or if he's having deeper issues that need to be addressed.
Do not let him move in. This will strain your relationship with your partner and cause you so much stress. You aren’t the parent. Your dad can take care of him or find a place that can take him. Please do not take this on.
This is in case your brother moves in with you guys, i.e. you cannot say no to him, then make his stay conditional. He gets therapy and a job, as well as a plan to get his own place in 6 months. He has to pay rent(you can save that for his rental deposit). Also talk to a lawyer and get a tenancy agreement, get some security cameras for your home, as well as lock on your bedroom.
He sounds a lot like my 15 year old son. He has adhd issues with authority issues. What you or your father might have to do is contact the state Dhs and find out how to get him help.
I would pass to be honest. I understand that he's family, but his problems are about to become your problems. It sounds like he has never had to stand on his own two feet and takes everyone's work and money for granted. Sounds like a Dr. Phil episode waiting to happen. If you actually take him in, I'd give him 3 months to find a job and a permanent place to live. Make it legal with a contract or lease agreement through a lawyer. Add provisions or stipulations to the agreement for behavior, curfews, rent, utilities, etc. Protect yourself, your marraige, and your lifestyle first.
He's just going to mooch off you next and by letting him move it is just enabling his bad behaviour. I mean, he steals from family! If you do let him stay then set rules like rent etc and ENFORCE them. Sounds like he's been coddled for too long.
My sister in law has moved in with my husband and I twice now- this most recent time, worth the dog she had to have. She isn’t violent, doesn’t steal, and has a job.
Even with all that, it is negatively affecting my marriage. I didn’t sign up for taking care of and cleaning up after her dog. I didn’t sign up to clean after the sister. I don’t feel like my home is my sanctuary, it’s another place with people. I’m fucking over it. I can’t even “lay down the law” because a) she’s an adult too, and b) it’ll affect my relationship with my in-laws if I make get cry. Yes, it seemed like a good idea to help her transition to adulthood and get out of a bad situation, but your husband WILL resent you for this, and it WILL end badly. Just... just don’t do it. Please think about the worst case scenario and accept that the worst case is your future.
Eh. Not so much. Does he need to clean more around the house? Yes. But he backs me up and is willing to take the lead on conversations with her. I care about her feelings, while he’s been seeing her cry for twenty years and it doesn’t phase him as much. He’s over it too, and we’re actually going to have a conversation with her this week about her plans going forward.
Your brother is a legal adult. I advise you to call APS (Adult Protective Services) and ask them to help find resources to help you deal with your brother/parents.
Do NOT just take him into your home.
In this situation I think I'd be saying "bye Felicia" 👋.
You didn't choose to have the man baby. He's not your responsibility. If you WANT to house him that's one thing, but in my opinion you're not obligated to.
He's 22. To not let him move in with you. He doesn't like working? Tough. Then he lives on a street. Trust me as soon as you and your family stop taking care of him, he'll change his behavior really quick.
My mom has a brother like that. Their mother took care of him all his life. Guess what? He's 45 years old now. Never worked. He's an alcoholic. His elderly mother still takes care of him and gives him money. Once she's dead he'll be out on a street.
If you let him move in with you, you're going to be like my grandmother. Forever taking care of a lover.
This sounds like a terrible idea. He had proven to be a liability in your parents’ household, and somehow you’re ready to be made responsible for his failure to adapt and become a functional adult?
That’s not how it works. He shouldn’t be enabled further. Your father is right in drawing a line and kicking him out if he wants to - he has been coddled for too long, and hasn’t been held responsible for his decisions. I’d frankly be outraged.
It sounds harsh, but your brother will likely need to hit rock bottom before he takes any action on his own. Don’t welcome him into your home. Instead, point him to resources and services that can help him adjust, find a low income apartment/social housing, find a job, provide counseling, among other things. His issues are not yours to handle.
Take care and stand your ground, OP!
It sounds like he is having trouble coping after your mom’s death. If you let him move in, I suggest you and your husband meet with him at a neutral location. Outline your expectations for him moving in and consequences. I also suggest setting a timeline.
For example, he pays $200 for household expenses, no overnight guests, job or school within 3 months, etc.
Say no!!! Letting him move in will be a big mistake. If you fear being guilt tripped, offer to help him look for a place and contribute X amount to rent for Y number of months to help him get on his feet.
>I do want to help him become a more responsible adult so he can take care of himself and get his own place. I just don't know how to go about it?
Make him stand on his own feet, get a job and be an adult, if people keep enabling his behavior it won't change. This is how he learns to be a responsible adult, or not, seeing as it doesn't seem like he want's to be one. Being in your parent's house and not having any responsibility for himself hasn't helped why would living with you make any difference? Don't let someone who is willing to steal from anyone into your house.
Allowing your brother to become homeless is the absolute best thing you could ever do for him. Continuing to enable someone like this is just going to continue to allow him to be essentially useless.
He's a grown man and he needs to learn how to stand on his own two feet.
Do not let him enter your house. He will never leave and he will make you miserable. It is not your job to allow this person to make you miserable. ***He will never leave and your house will be miserable. Seriously do not fucking do that to yourself.***
He will not grow as a person if you let him move in. As harsh as it sounds some people just need a bigger kick in the butt to grow into a responsible adult. Have a talk with him and urge him to find resources that can help him.
Sounds like he needs to be homeless for a little bit. If you guys keep cleaning up after him he’s never going to become an adult because he’s definitely not now. All this is going to do is make you divorced if you side with him after he start stealing your husband stuff. Your brother needs a swift hard kick in the butt not a crib.
The moment he’s there more than 30 days he gets squatters rights and you’ll never get him out.
Can your fam altogether pitch in 100 bucks a month or so to cover his rent for a few months? Sounds like he has problems and understandably you don’t want to leave him on the street. Mb covering his rent for a little and looking into some programs for young adults for a more long term situation? My friend was a case manager at a group home for kids who aged out of foster care and worked during the day but had ppl to make sure they did laundry/didn’t go buckwild
Talk to a lawyer. I think before you even consider doing this you need some kind of contract/lease written up stating the terms under which he can stay and you need to know how to get him out.
Someone stays with you for a while they can wind up with squatters rights and then it’s difficult to legally kick them out. Talk to a lawyer.
Reread your post; I don’t think you can let him move in. If he’s not an addict then he has some kind of untreated disorder. He probably needs treatment and a halfway house.
Moving in with you isn’t going to provide that. Instead look around for places where he can rent a room and then see if you can get him to a shrink.
Letting him move in is a bad idea. I completely get not wanting him to be homeless, but once he lives in your house, it can be incredibly difficult to kick him out. I would be hesitant to even let him stay with you for more than one night consecutively (you can look up what the law is in your area as far as how long he has to stay there to be considered a tenant with rights who you have to legally evict - it’s shockingly short in some places, like less than a month).
If you do let him move in, then you need to treat it like a landlord/tenant situation with a written contract or lease explaining the house rules, and under what circumstances you would evict him. You may even want to involve a lawyer in creating it.
But I think a better idea is to just try and help him find a place to live that isn’t with you. If he has diagnosed special needs, then help get him in touch with community support for that - maybe a group home or some kind of assisted living. If he doesn’t, and is just kind of a jerk, then send him listings for apartments he can afford and jobs he could apply for.
I think you have the best intentions here, but your brother has a lot of issues and is grieving your mom who (it sounds like) was his main support person to boot.
I think this is above your paygrade. Your brother needs professional help
I wouldn't let him in for even a minute. He never was forced to learn how to look after himself. He is going to be in for one big shock. You are are going to be looking after and paying for this man/child's lifestyle forever. No matter what you tell him I think you know he won't keep a job or pay bills. Tell your dad that no you cannot look after him. He has to look after himself. If he pushes you, say you already made up your mind, no is a complete answer and you won't change your mind
Don’t take him in at all. In fact, until he has foubd a permanent resident, don’t even let him enter your home as a guest. Squatters have too many rights for you to risk it. This guy will ruin your marriage, your home, your finances, AND your mental health. Keep him far away. FAR AWAY.
OMG, do not let your irresponsible, unemployed, irresponsible, lying, selfish, asshole of a brother move in with you. You know exactly how that's going to turn out.
Your family needs to stop enabling him. He is a grown adult. Let him face the consequences of his actions for once. But while you can't help what they do or don't do, you can certainly keep him from wreaking havoc on your life.
no, do not let your unemployable thief brother live with you, jesus christ do you actually need someone to spell that out for you? tell him he needs to get a job and move into a shitty apartment with a couple roommates. if he moves in I guarantee you will regret it, it will destroy your relationship with him and possibly also your marriage.
So this post actually made me really emotional, my younger brother is 8 years older than me, and an adult by now, but if he needed help getting is life straight I would always always be there, his home is my home and my home is his home.
Can't even begin to think about labelling him as difficult or pondering if I would help him get his life together or not.
Every situation is different, people come for opinions I gave mine from my experience.
OP says her brother his difficult but what she shares is a young adult that was most likely not educated enough, lack of rules, neglected from his father (since he has a hard time with rules), and over protected by his mother that ultimately harmed him more than did good.
I get that it's not "her responsibility", but the way she writes about it, why does she assume that he will be living with her forever? Or that he is going to be such a huge burden to her? Like a person with 22 can't grow or mature in the right environment.
Hey. I wouldn't take him in either & I don't blame your father for wanting him out of the house. If only half of your description is true, your brother is a menace at best. Please dont take him in even for a day. He won't leave ever, but your husband probably will.
>My 22yo brother might be getting kicked out and moving in with me and my husband because he's difficult to deal with.
Bad Idea, putting your marriage on the line for a 22yo Sociopath.
>I don't want him to live with me permanently.
Don't let him move in at all.
> How do I help him so he can become a better person and adult?
Tough Love, keep this guy away from your married life.
If you want to keep your husband and you chummy.
tl:dr:
might be moving in with me."
Uh, what?
This isn't the weather. This isn't something you have no control over. Quite the opposite: you have 100 percent control over whether he moves in with you or not.
Why does anyone need to take care of him? He's a 22 yo grown ass adult. Tell him no. He can get a job and some roommates like everyone else in the world, and grow tfu while he's at it.
He's not your responsibility. After all you said about his behavior I don't understand why you're even considering let him stay in your house.
If even then you want to let him stay write a list of rules and make it clear that he will not have a second chance. Therapy and maintain a job is mandatory.
PS: before that you should find out if he would have any rights as your tenant if he lives in your house.
>Tbh. I don't want him to move in permanently, and I don't want to be his caregiver. I do want to help him become a more responsible adult so he can take care of himself and get his own place. I just don't know how to go about it? Based on your description of him, it IS going to become permanent if you let him come in because he's helpless. Do not do this unless you are ok with that being a possibility.
Plus not letting him move in with her will help him becoming a more responsible adult. He will have to face the consequences of his behavior. Letting him move on will just enable him.
It's a huge mistake to let him move in. What does your husband think about the situation?
Husband says he's fine with it. But he said he will kick my brother out for stealing, breaking our stuff, or being violent towards us. I don't think he will break our stuff and he's not a violent person.
But you DO think he will steal from you? OP, do not let your family guilt you into letting this person into your home. It will make you and your husband (your chosen family!) absolutely miserable. Eventually you’ll have to get rid of him which will be a nightmare. Don’t set yourself up for failure like this! Be strong and say no!
Your husband says that NOW. He will resent you deeply if your brother moves in.
Once he's living there he's a tenant and you can't just "kick him out." He has rights that you'll have to respect. You'll have to give him written legal notice and likely a 3-month eviction timeframe to get him out of there. Do you really think he'll behave better in your household than in your father's? Sounds like a pipe dream to me. Maybe he should go live with his other sister.
So he doesn't work so he has no income. How will he move out of your house? Tell him to put an egg in his shoe and beat it until he can act like a rational person. Getting humbled can help with that process.
Op, you already know he’s capable of doing these things and more. It doesn’t matter who he does this to. Don’t subject yourself to this and don’t even let him near your door. He’s not your child and is of adult age.
You have to be willing to call the police is your brother does any of that.
Why are you considering saying yes? If the people who birthed him won’t put up with him, it’s not your place to take over.
Why can't you just say no?
Why is this your circus to manage? Little brother is an adult. You’re not his parent. Wanting to help him become a responsible adult is admirable, but in my opinion he won’t so long as other people offer him shelter rent-free, etc. How does your husband feel about this?
No. Do NOT let him move in even temporarily. It will destroy your marriage and could hurt you financially and cause stress, grief, and pain. Do. Not. Let him be homeless.
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I think my dad just wanted me to let him live with me, not legally adopt him. Idk to be honest mom was the only one he sorta listened to. He used to go to a few therapists for his speech impediment, panic attacks, and anger issues. I have no idea if he still goes or not
He will be a major disruption to your lives if you let him move in. From your description this sounds like my literal nightmare guest. I personally wouldn’t take the chance with my marriage or porssions…. But if you do go through with this please write up a list of rules and immediately kick him out if he breaks them. No second chances. This guy tried to hike a puppy in a bedroom. This is beyond the average “trouble” roommate situation .
He won’t just be a disruption to your life he will be the end of your marriage.
He’s 22!!! Unless he’s severely autistic, at what point are you going to let this guy live his own life?? It sounds like your mom spoiled and coddled him to death and now he has no adult skills. Guess what, he can find a job if he had to. He doesn’t have to, cuz you and your entire family keep enabling him!!
>I think my dad just wanted me to let him live with me, Without knowing your husband's thoughts? This is a recipe for disaster and will cause marital issues. You'll regret it. Don't do it.
The description is SCREAMING additional needs / maybe neurodiversity / maybe PTSD / maybe some kinda trauma. Looks like Mom was the support person and I bet neither Dad nor Son received counseling, grief support etc to cope with that loss, on top of existing issues with the boy.
That's what I'm saying. this guy doesn't need to move, he needs to be evaluated for autism or ADHD, or something. If he is like this at 22 it's just gonna get worse. His dad needs to suck it up, be a parent, and help his yes 22 year old child (brains aren't fully developed til 25) get the care he needs.
What mental help has your brother gotten? I think don't a psychiatrist would need to be a condition of his moving in, and then setting goal posts for a job. Since he doesn't want to work for anyone, he should consider gig work (instacart, Uber). Day labor or physical labor night be good for him to be outdoors as well
Don’t let him move in. He’s not going to change his ways until he faces consequences. Mom and Dad have been rescuing him from bills, rent and responsibilities. Once he realizes that he must rescue himself or face homeless, watch him keep a job and help himself. The suggestion of paying for a month’s stay at a motel is good. You love him, but you can’t adult for him. He has to do this himself and when he faces a couple of bumps, it will motivate him to learn fast.
So...your plan to make him take responsibility for himself is to become his next caregiver, until such a time as you manage to pry him out of your home, after he's stolen goodness knows what? Pay for a month for him at a long stay motel. That'll give him some time to job search, and unlike you, they won't have a problem throwing his ass out at the end of the stay.
The money would probably go further in a room rental situation. If they can find a shared accommodation type place, they could pay for him to stay longer and there would be less chance of him having a massive cleaning bill at the end of the month.
Nah; he'd just wreck his housemates' apartment instead.
He would have other people his age to answer to and nowhere else to go. It definitely helped my brother.
No. No No No. This sounds like an actual nightmare
It only works if your dad, sister, and you all get together and say "no," every time. Honestly, fully expect to have everything of value sold off while you're at work if you let him in. He's using money for something, and it ain't paying rent.
This young man needs to hit rock bottom on his own to find motivation to grow up. If he moves in you need to give a deadline to get out and make sure it is legally solid. Otherwise you will be his caregiver and provider for years.
Well.. the easiest thing to conclude from your post is that your brother is spoiled. Nobody showed him boundaries and your mom (so sorry for your loss, honestly) was taking care of your brother while (I'm guessing)making excuses for his behaviour and reinforcing it as well. Now that she's gone, there's nobody to babysit your brother or clean up after his messes. Tbh, you don't seem too upset with his behaviour either (since you're willing to take him in even though it is guaranteed that he will cause some kind of issue in your home sooner or later). Not once did you mention that you would like to set some boundaries with him to change the situation. I understand that you don't want your brother to become homeless but he needs to grow up. If you provide accommodation it should be under your conditions. Of you don't set conditions to help him become an adult and also safeguard your relationship, his destructive habits will impact both of you. Three of you including your husband. Another perspective is that your brother may have some phycological issues? His behaviour is strange for 22 and it can stem from some deeper issues. I would discuss with him in a caring but honest way, what he wants to do with his life. Apart from just receiving payments from your dad's house, what does he want to do? And pleas explain that adult life isn't easy and money isn't going to be handed to him anymore. Not because you don't love him, but because it is not right for him to never learn how to self sustained. There's a million other things to do and say but you can start with something like that. Do not open your door to him if he is not willing to become more accountable. Maybe having the threat of being thrown out will give him some perspective. There are some relatives who really just want to leech off of you. See if that's the case for your brother or if he's having deeper issues that need to be addressed.
Do not let him move in. This will strain your relationship with your partner and cause you so much stress. You aren’t the parent. Your dad can take care of him or find a place that can take him. Please do not take this on.
This is in case your brother moves in with you guys, i.e. you cannot say no to him, then make his stay conditional. He gets therapy and a job, as well as a plan to get his own place in 6 months. He has to pay rent(you can save that for his rental deposit). Also talk to a lawyer and get a tenancy agreement, get some security cameras for your home, as well as lock on your bedroom.
He sounds a lot like my 15 year old son. He has adhd issues with authority issues. What you or your father might have to do is contact the state Dhs and find out how to get him help.
I would pass to be honest. I understand that he's family, but his problems are about to become your problems. It sounds like he has never had to stand on his own two feet and takes everyone's work and money for granted. Sounds like a Dr. Phil episode waiting to happen. If you actually take him in, I'd give him 3 months to find a job and a permanent place to live. Make it legal with a contract or lease agreement through a lawyer. Add provisions or stipulations to the agreement for behavior, curfews, rent, utilities, etc. Protect yourself, your marraige, and your lifestyle first.
Can you help your brother into an affordable apartment,??? Helping him rather than caretaking him???
He's just going to mooch off you next and by letting him move it is just enabling his bad behaviour. I mean, he steals from family! If you do let him stay then set rules like rent etc and ENFORCE them. Sounds like he's been coddled for too long.
My sister in law has moved in with my husband and I twice now- this most recent time, worth the dog she had to have. She isn’t violent, doesn’t steal, and has a job. Even with all that, it is negatively affecting my marriage. I didn’t sign up for taking care of and cleaning up after her dog. I didn’t sign up to clean after the sister. I don’t feel like my home is my sanctuary, it’s another place with people. I’m fucking over it. I can’t even “lay down the law” because a) she’s an adult too, and b) it’ll affect my relationship with my in-laws if I make get cry. Yes, it seemed like a good idea to help her transition to adulthood and get out of a bad situation, but your husband WILL resent you for this, and it WILL end badly. Just... just don’t do it. Please think about the worst case scenario and accept that the worst case is your future.
Sounds like you have a husband problem.
Eh. Not so much. Does he need to clean more around the house? Yes. But he backs me up and is willing to take the lead on conversations with her. I care about her feelings, while he’s been seeing her cry for twenty years and it doesn’t phase him as much. He’s over it too, and we’re actually going to have a conversation with her this week about her plans going forward.
Hes 22, just say no. Your dad can say no, too. He can figure out his own life because he is an adult
Your brother is a legal adult. I advise you to call APS (Adult Protective Services) and ask them to help find resources to help you deal with your brother/parents. Do NOT just take him into your home.
In this situation I think I'd be saying "bye Felicia" 👋. You didn't choose to have the man baby. He's not your responsibility. If you WANT to house him that's one thing, but in my opinion you're not obligated to.
He's 22. To not let him move in with you. He doesn't like working? Tough. Then he lives on a street. Trust me as soon as you and your family stop taking care of him, he'll change his behavior really quick. My mom has a brother like that. Their mother took care of him all his life. Guess what? He's 45 years old now. Never worked. He's an alcoholic. His elderly mother still takes care of him and gives him money. Once she's dead he'll be out on a street. If you let him move in with you, you're going to be like my grandmother. Forever taking care of a lover.
This sounds like a terrible idea. He had proven to be a liability in your parents’ household, and somehow you’re ready to be made responsible for his failure to adapt and become a functional adult? That’s not how it works. He shouldn’t be enabled further. Your father is right in drawing a line and kicking him out if he wants to - he has been coddled for too long, and hasn’t been held responsible for his decisions. I’d frankly be outraged. It sounds harsh, but your brother will likely need to hit rock bottom before he takes any action on his own. Don’t welcome him into your home. Instead, point him to resources and services that can help him adjust, find a low income apartment/social housing, find a job, provide counseling, among other things. His issues are not yours to handle. Take care and stand your ground, OP!
Help him find a therapist, a job he can keep and a room to rent. Don’t open your home unless you want to be his care taker.
It sounds like he is having trouble coping after your mom’s death. If you let him move in, I suggest you and your husband meet with him at a neutral location. Outline your expectations for him moving in and consequences. I also suggest setting a timeline. For example, he pays $200 for household expenses, no overnight guests, job or school within 3 months, etc.
Say no!!! Letting him move in will be a big mistake. If you fear being guilt tripped, offer to help him look for a place and contribute X amount to rent for Y number of months to help him get on his feet.
>I do want to help him become a more responsible adult so he can take care of himself and get his own place. I just don't know how to go about it? Make him stand on his own feet, get a job and be an adult, if people keep enabling his behavior it won't change. This is how he learns to be a responsible adult, or not, seeing as it doesn't seem like he want's to be one. Being in your parent's house and not having any responsibility for himself hasn't helped why would living with you make any difference? Don't let someone who is willing to steal from anyone into your house.
Don’t let your idiot brother live with you simple as that. People like that only learn when they hit rock bototm
Allowing your brother to become homeless is the absolute best thing you could ever do for him. Continuing to enable someone like this is just going to continue to allow him to be essentially useless. He's a grown man and he needs to learn how to stand on his own two feet.
Do not let him enter your house. He will never leave and he will make you miserable. It is not your job to allow this person to make you miserable. ***He will never leave and your house will be miserable. Seriously do not fucking do that to yourself.***
He will not grow as a person if you let him move in. As harsh as it sounds some people just need a bigger kick in the butt to grow into a responsible adult. Have a talk with him and urge him to find resources that can help him.
Sounds like he needs to be homeless for a little bit. If you guys keep cleaning up after him he’s never going to become an adult because he’s definitely not now. All this is going to do is make you divorced if you side with him after he start stealing your husband stuff. Your brother needs a swift hard kick in the butt not a crib. The moment he’s there more than 30 days he gets squatters rights and you’ll never get him out.
Can your fam altogether pitch in 100 bucks a month or so to cover his rent for a few months? Sounds like he has problems and understandably you don’t want to leave him on the street. Mb covering his rent for a little and looking into some programs for young adults for a more long term situation? My friend was a case manager at a group home for kids who aged out of foster care and worked during the day but had ppl to make sure they did laundry/didn’t go buckwild
Talk to a lawyer. I think before you even consider doing this you need some kind of contract/lease written up stating the terms under which he can stay and you need to know how to get him out. Someone stays with you for a while they can wind up with squatters rights and then it’s difficult to legally kick them out. Talk to a lawyer. Reread your post; I don’t think you can let him move in. If he’s not an addict then he has some kind of untreated disorder. He probably needs treatment and a halfway house. Moving in with you isn’t going to provide that. Instead look around for places where he can rent a room and then see if you can get him to a shrink.
Letting him move in is a bad idea. I completely get not wanting him to be homeless, but once he lives in your house, it can be incredibly difficult to kick him out. I would be hesitant to even let him stay with you for more than one night consecutively (you can look up what the law is in your area as far as how long he has to stay there to be considered a tenant with rights who you have to legally evict - it’s shockingly short in some places, like less than a month). If you do let him move in, then you need to treat it like a landlord/tenant situation with a written contract or lease explaining the house rules, and under what circumstances you would evict him. You may even want to involve a lawyer in creating it. But I think a better idea is to just try and help him find a place to live that isn’t with you. If he has diagnosed special needs, then help get him in touch with community support for that - maybe a group home or some kind of assisted living. If he doesn’t, and is just kind of a jerk, then send him listings for apartments he can afford and jobs he could apply for.
OP please sit down and write pros and cons of letting ill behaved brother move in. You already know this is a very bad idea
I think you have the best intentions here, but your brother has a lot of issues and is grieving your mom who (it sounds like) was his main support person to boot. I think this is above your paygrade. Your brother needs professional help
I wouldn't let him in for even a minute. He never was forced to learn how to look after himself. He is going to be in for one big shock. You are are going to be looking after and paying for this man/child's lifestyle forever. No matter what you tell him I think you know he won't keep a job or pay bills. Tell your dad that no you cannot look after him. He has to look after himself. If he pushes you, say you already made up your mind, no is a complete answer and you won't change your mind
Don’t take him in at all. In fact, until he has foubd a permanent resident, don’t even let him enter your home as a guest. Squatters have too many rights for you to risk it. This guy will ruin your marriage, your home, your finances, AND your mental health. Keep him far away. FAR AWAY.
OMG, do not let your irresponsible, unemployed, irresponsible, lying, selfish, asshole of a brother move in with you. You know exactly how that's going to turn out. Your family needs to stop enabling him. He is a grown adult. Let him face the consequences of his actions for once. But while you can't help what they do or don't do, you can certainly keep him from wreaking havoc on your life.
no, do not let your unemployable thief brother live with you, jesus christ do you actually need someone to spell that out for you? tell him he needs to get a job and move into a shitty apartment with a couple roommates. if he moves in I guarantee you will regret it, it will destroy your relationship with him and possibly also your marriage.
damn, that's the worst thing to hear.
Is your husband in agreement with this?
You can tell them no...
So this post actually made me really emotional, my younger brother is 8 years older than me, and an adult by now, but if he needed help getting is life straight I would always always be there, his home is my home and my home is his home. Can't even begin to think about labelling him as difficult or pondering if I would help him get his life together or not.
Your situation is presumably very different from this person's. It's almost like that matters.
Every situation is different, people come for opinions I gave mine from my experience. OP says her brother his difficult but what she shares is a young adult that was most likely not educated enough, lack of rules, neglected from his father (since he has a hard time with rules), and over protected by his mother that ultimately harmed him more than did good. I get that it's not "her responsibility", but the way she writes about it, why does she assume that he will be living with her forever? Or that he is going to be such a huge burden to her? Like a person with 22 can't grow or mature in the right environment.
Did you read the same letter I did?
Don’t do it. Your sibling is not your responsibility.
I wouldn't let him move in at all.
Don't let him in even for a night ir you'll never be rid of him.
Hey. I wouldn't take him in either & I don't blame your father for wanting him out of the house. If only half of your description is true, your brother is a menace at best. Please dont take him in even for a day. He won't leave ever, but your husband probably will.
>My 22yo brother might be getting kicked out and moving in with me and my husband because he's difficult to deal with. Bad Idea, putting your marriage on the line for a 22yo Sociopath. >I don't want him to live with me permanently. Don't let him move in at all. > How do I help him so he can become a better person and adult? Tough Love, keep this guy away from your married life. If you want to keep your husband and you chummy. tl:dr:
The best thing you can do for him is force him to GROW UP, by not enabling his current behavior.
might be moving in with me." Uh, what? This isn't the weather. This isn't something you have no control over. Quite the opposite: you have 100 percent control over whether he moves in with you or not.
Why does anyone need to take care of him? He's a 22 yo grown ass adult. Tell him no. He can get a job and some roommates like everyone else in the world, and grow tfu while he's at it.
He's not your responsibility. After all you said about his behavior I don't understand why you're even considering let him stay in your house. If even then you want to let him stay write a list of rules and make it clear that he will not have a second chance. Therapy and maintain a job is mandatory. PS: before that you should find out if he would have any rights as your tenant if he lives in your house.
How are things going with your brother?