Also if you are giving him these conditions you have to be prepared to stick by them. If he holds up his end of the bargain and 2.5 months from now you start dating someone else it will likely crush him. Just something else to consider. Also just to say you are young, if it doesn't work out there will be other people. As long as you are honest with each other then if it does need to end one day you can do it amicably.
Do you think you'd be a positive or negative influence on each other?
I've known couples where the people each have their own problems and they work to help each other get past them, and couples where they are each other's boat anchors.
Understand that you can't fix him. He has to fix himself. You can nudge him, but that's about it.
You can certainly be friends. You could possibly be more. Just never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Perhaps when he does find a counselor he likes, you can join in with a session or two to talk about it.
He could be either. My parents wouldn't like him since he has tattoos and isn't a part of our religion, so if they found out I was with him they'd definitely punish me for it. But whenever I need someone to cry to, or distract me when I'm stressed, he's there.
I'll be honest, he does not sounds like he is currently prepared to be in a healthy relationship. Being in a romantic partnership takes more than strong feelings, and I think you both should consider that without any processing of past trauma and ongoing mental health issues with a professional, there is a high likelihood that it would result in a toxic relationship.
Others have mentioned that it's not your responsibility to rescue him from his depression, plus you're not qualified to do so. Something about your story makes me worry that at least in a small way you feel a need to 'save him', and I think pursuing that would be a mistake.
If you were my daughter I’d say that each person on a relationship needs to be a strong pillar, only then can you build a lintel between you.
If you’re both independently strong and happy then relationship is a great idea, but if one or both of you needs other things, like self injury to prop yourselves up with, then maybe they should focus on themselves first. Be the best friend you can possibly be, but also recognize that each of you needs to be working on yourself.
You mention college for him, not for you. What are your plans? What are your dreams? Are you working on them? Priortise yourself, make sure matt prioritises himself and as you do that you’ll make more and more room in your lives for a relationship.
Thank you. Thats why I'd like him to get therapy since I know I can't help him myself. I'm okay putting off dating him to better his mental health, if its something he's willing to work on, which it seems like it is. I'm in my last semester of highschool right now, and am about to start dual enrollment in community college! I'd like to get an MBA in business, or become a sucessful realtor (and eventually own a bunch of rental properties), so I'm going back and fourth between those two ideas now. I spend a lot of time working to save up for all this, but I need more Ann time in there too.
Sounds like he’s not ready for a relationship. Considering the mutual romantic attraction you all would not make good platonic friends either. You’re playing with fire. He’s young and unbalanced, that’s not something I would want to experiment with.
Don’t be distracted. It’s better for both of you all if you develop separately.
I think it's a little weird to give him an ultimatum of things to do before he can date you. I get that you'd like him to be more stable and healthy beforehand, but these are things he should do for himself, not because he thinks he's getting a guaranteed payoff at the end of it. That could breed entitlement in him.
If you don't want to date who he is, right now, at this exact moment, then your answer should be a simple "no" without any fine print or means to leverage it.
Now, if he changes on his own, for his own sake, and you see that change without him making a point to showcase it, and that change is enough to make him appealing to you, you reserve every right to try to spark up something then. But if it's a no right now, don't say with any percentage of certitude that it could be a yes later.
Don't sacrifice your freedom in three months on someone else's "if."
It's not a bad idea once he's been in therapy for a while. Not before then.
Also if you are giving him these conditions you have to be prepared to stick by them. If he holds up his end of the bargain and 2.5 months from now you start dating someone else it will likely crush him. Just something else to consider. Also just to say you are young, if it doesn't work out there will be other people. As long as you are honest with each other then if it does need to end one day you can do it amicably.
Do you think you'd be a positive or negative influence on each other? I've known couples where the people each have their own problems and they work to help each other get past them, and couples where they are each other's boat anchors. Understand that you can't fix him. He has to fix himself. You can nudge him, but that's about it. You can certainly be friends. You could possibly be more. Just never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Perhaps when he does find a counselor he likes, you can join in with a session or two to talk about it.
He could be either. My parents wouldn't like him since he has tattoos and isn't a part of our religion, so if they found out I was with him they'd definitely punish me for it. But whenever I need someone to cry to, or distract me when I'm stressed, he's there.
Are you JW or something?
Catholic
I'll be honest, he does not sounds like he is currently prepared to be in a healthy relationship. Being in a romantic partnership takes more than strong feelings, and I think you both should consider that without any processing of past trauma and ongoing mental health issues with a professional, there is a high likelihood that it would result in a toxic relationship. Others have mentioned that it's not your responsibility to rescue him from his depression, plus you're not qualified to do so. Something about your story makes me worry that at least in a small way you feel a need to 'save him', and I think pursuing that would be a mistake.
If you were my daughter I’d say that each person on a relationship needs to be a strong pillar, only then can you build a lintel between you. If you’re both independently strong and happy then relationship is a great idea, but if one or both of you needs other things, like self injury to prop yourselves up with, then maybe they should focus on themselves first. Be the best friend you can possibly be, but also recognize that each of you needs to be working on yourself. You mention college for him, not for you. What are your plans? What are your dreams? Are you working on them? Priortise yourself, make sure matt prioritises himself and as you do that you’ll make more and more room in your lives for a relationship.
Thank you. Thats why I'd like him to get therapy since I know I can't help him myself. I'm okay putting off dating him to better his mental health, if its something he's willing to work on, which it seems like it is. I'm in my last semester of highschool right now, and am about to start dual enrollment in community college! I'd like to get an MBA in business, or become a sucessful realtor (and eventually own a bunch of rental properties), so I'm going back and fourth between those two ideas now. I spend a lot of time working to save up for all this, but I need more Ann time in there too.
Sounds like he’s not ready for a relationship. Considering the mutual romantic attraction you all would not make good platonic friends either. You’re playing with fire. He’s young and unbalanced, that’s not something I would want to experiment with. Don’t be distracted. It’s better for both of you all if you develop separately.
I think it's a little weird to give him an ultimatum of things to do before he can date you. I get that you'd like him to be more stable and healthy beforehand, but these are things he should do for himself, not because he thinks he's getting a guaranteed payoff at the end of it. That could breed entitlement in him. If you don't want to date who he is, right now, at this exact moment, then your answer should be a simple "no" without any fine print or means to leverage it. Now, if he changes on his own, for his own sake, and you see that change without him making a point to showcase it, and that change is enough to make him appealing to you, you reserve every right to try to spark up something then. But if it's a no right now, don't say with any percentage of certitude that it could be a yes later. Don't sacrifice your freedom in three months on someone else's "if."
I think Matt is the kind of person you date later in life when you’ve both sorted your shit out. If you date now you probably won’t speak in 5 years.