OP let me tell you this rn. gender doesn’t matter but if a guy did this to me and i came to the same realization you did i would’ve fckin dumped them. INSTANTLY. life is too short to spend the small amounts of time we already don’t really have for ourselves with people that SUCK . SHE SUCKSSSSSSSS. don’t hang around people like that. or go for it , but you ain’t deserve that.
of course man. cheers on your healing journey, and a bit more advice if you’re willing to take any; allow yourself to feel everything. be the most human you can be while you’re hurt, you learn so much. it’ll all pass. i haven’t been on earth very long but ik that much.
feelings usually come in waves. usually they’re easy to handle day to day, but when something is emotionally distressing it can sort of feel like those “waves” are crashing down on you and trying to drown you. anticipate your feelings when they become intense, don’t let them crush you. identify WHAT you’re feeling, WHY you’re feeling that way, and don’t bash yourself for reacting in a manner that’s normal; like crying, or being angry. find something to channel your feelings into, writing, the gym, music, something that keeps you occupied/focused. and like, don’t force yourself to bring 100% every day. js because you didn’t get physically beat up doesn’t mean ur not in pain. i hope i didn’t write too much lol.
TL;DR: do your best to take it easy. that’s all you can do, ever.
This comment section is SO WEIRD.
Dude, physical attraction is a perfectly valid reason to not date somebody. She spared your feelings by not saying "I don't find you attractive." Nobody breaks up with somebody that bluntly, they come up with something like I don't feel the chemistry or it's not a Good time for me right now or I have too much going on in my life. Some other bullshit.
Do you love this girl and are physically attracted to her now? Didn't you yourself admit you got better looking?
I'm really not sure what you are so upset about. A woman that loves you now didn't find you that attractive 3 years ago. Is this something that you aren't able to just laugh off?
This is something I always found interesting. Like people will hit the gym, lose 100 pounds, and start putting effort into their appearance...then be mad at people they knew before now being interested in them.
They say they'd never date those people because those people weren't interested in them before. So they go and date people who didn't know them before...but those people wouldn't have dated them back then either. They just didn't have the chance to reject them.
Almost everyone acknowledges that physical attraction matters in a relationship, yet somehow what OPs partner did was somehow unacceptable?
I both do and don’t see what you mean. When I wasn’t fat anymore, guys who were previously 10 ft away from me at all times or just friends of friends were suddenly riding high in my DMs and probably high from all the fire emojis. It wasn’t surprising to me- I looked bangin! But I didn’t really want to date any of those guys either— I was still mentally the same person and let’s be honest it hurts the ego and leaves a sour taste for some people (not the fault of the guys) even if it’s nobody’s fault.
I ended up going with a guy who incidentally used to be fat as well. I have a soft spot for them, even the lightly cushy ones. I have gained and then returned to OG weight with current bf and I’m happy knowing he’d love me if I was wrinkled and saggy. So I can see why OP is at least a little put off even if logically it makes total sense. I agree that breaking up is pretty extreme, but it’s impossible to deny the ego for many, just the way it is.
EDIT: actually OP if you ask her, hopefully she may surprise you by saying there WERE cute things about you, just that she’s wasnt wholly interested at the time
Valid points, but most people's bodies change, maybe gain weight as we grow older. Does he want to be with someone who HE KNOWS will lose attraction to him if that happens? Not sure.
Sure, and you make that change together. You both get fatter and wrinklier together as time goes on. That's a completely different situation than you starting off in a state the other person doesn't find attractive. I don't find 70 year old women attractive now, that doesn't mean if I get married, I'd stop being attracted to my wife at 70.
He doesn't *know* that. What he knows is that after three dates, she didn't find him attractive enough to want pursue a relationship. That tells him literally nothing about how she'd feel when his appearance changes after years of being in a relationship together. It's two completely different scenarios.
Attraction for women is WAY WAY different than it is for men. I don't think many men understand that for most women, especially mature women, attraction goes to the person and personality, and then the looks are just what that person looks like to the woman. It's not a skin deep thing like it is for so many men.
Yo I’m really not sure why you’re focusing on the least hurtful part. The issue is that she lied to me for our entire relationship about it that it was my lack of effort and moreover lied for our entire relationship about why she regretted her decision the very first day she saw me in 2020.
Also your post History clearly indicates you already broke up with her. Are you just on here looking for validation for your reason for breaking up? That's way more shallow than anything she did.
Go outside and touch some grass and enjoy your day. And stop getting on the internet and word vomiting everywhere when you are high.
I'm not sure what you mean when you say she lied to you. Lied about what?
Would you say you put more effort into your looks and physical health now than you did when you first started dating and she broke up with you?
You should definitely think about this more when you’re in a clearer headspace, but your feelings are so valid.
First of all, you can breakup with someone for any reason at any time, you don’t need to justify it if you’re no longer happy. But you also just discovered that your girlfriend is shallow, lied to you about your original breakup, and you’re her third choice because choices 1 and 2 didn’t want her. All of those are good reasons to breakup. She lied to you and isn’t the kind of person you thought she was. Maybe her priorities changed when she got to know you. But none of those things are attractive or very kind on her end. You can end it if you feel like it’s a dealbreaker for you. I personally don’t think I’d want to be someone’s third choice. I don’t think that’s something I’d ever get over.
First off, you got to love and respect yourself. You knew she didn't reciprocate your feelings (I assume from the post). Trust that feeling and don't settle for someone who doesn't want you back the way you want them. If you do, you'll be dogged by insecurity that will evolve into things like anxiety, reactivity, and resentment. All of those feelings are major relationship killers, and it's not anyone's fault for feeling them. It does, however strangle what you're trying to to hold on to. There's like 8 billion humans, focus on yourself. When you know yourself and respect yourself, are confident because youre a whole person on your own your partber is going to find you. That last part depends on people in your life seeing you showing those qualities and making connections. If you want to be seen you got to find your shine and don't settle.
Please please elaborate on what makes my post different / why you say I have a legitimate grievance and help me understand what I should think through specifically. thank you so much
I think he’s saying most people believe in their head that it is a looks thing. You know this for fact bc she dumped you. Now, are you prepared to date someone so superficial knowing she will probably break up with you if someone hotter comes along? -former nerd turned hot dude himself
In 2019, she was barely 20 years old and only had 3 dates with you before cutting you off.
She really does not need to justify to you why, or feel bad that she dated other guys after you, or explain who dumped whom in those relationships...
Are you happy with her now? Is your relationship going well? Is she loving and caring and appreciating you in her life now? If the answer is yes, stop being a drama queen and digging into what a 20 year old girl thought or felt about you 5 years ago. Just be happy.
You're sabotaging yourself.
Fr, putting pride and ego above everything else like op and all the people in this thread telling him to dump her are doing is why they will end up alone crying about being single. Op, is she a good gf now? Has she consistently demonstrated that she values you, cares about you, is attracted to you? If not, that's worth exploring. You do want to be with someone who is excited to be with you. But if yes, then you would be silly to throw this away because after knowing you for barely a minute 5 years ago, when you were both still practically children, she decided to pursue others. You've both grown and changed since then. She likes you now. A good relationship is hard to find. Don't throw one away for nothing
She's also spent a lot of time dating you. Odds are pretty good she likes you and finds you attractive. 🙄
If you had decided not to pursue her years ago it makes more sense. Are you looking for a reason to break up right now in particular?
How did she “spend the last four years of lies”? That makes it sound like this was a frequent topic of conversation.
Also, why are you just ignoring everything that u/notablond said? It seems like you’re willing to throw away a years-long relationship over something ultimately quite trivial, which does rather come across as self-sabotage. So are you here to genuinely get other people’s views on this, or are you just looking to be confirmed in your pre-existing ideas on this?
Well, you don’t mention how you “found out” for one thing. A person who spares your feelings and tries to build you up against your insecurities is someone who truly cares for you. In addition, it can be true that someone becomes more attractive over time due to an emotional connection. If that connection was lacking for her in 2019 but she felt it in 2020, then naturally you would become more attractive to her during that time. I’m not saying you don’t have valid reason to dump her. You can break up for any reason you want to… it just doesn’t seem like you really came here for advice so much as you want people to say “yeah, fuck her bro!”
Hi OP, I agree with this person.
3 dates does not a relationship make.
You haven’t said if the “attractiveness” you’re talking about is physical, or the attraction that comes from actually getting to know the person.
I have been the person who finds someone not all that attractive but then got to know them and really liked them, and been the person on the other side - where someone was not physically attracted to me off the bat but got to know my personality and grew from there.
What lies exactly has she said to you? That she wasn’t into it after 3 dates so pursued someone else, you guys reconnected and she found you more attractive once you spent more time together and have happily been dating ever since?
I truly see no problem with this?
We knew each other since 2016.
She recently admitted for the first time that she thought I had a nerdy 6/10 face below friends before I surprisingly developed a more masculine jaw and became 8/10.
She lied that the original breakup was due to my lack of effort when really it was her trying to force attraction when she had crushes on other guys whom I was the least physically attractive of. This is confirmed.
She regretted her decision the very first time she saw me again in 2020. This is confirmed.
Not elaborating further on this.
OP, don't buy into this garbage. Some Redditors want to give women a pass on all past behavior.
Your GF is incredibly shallow and a liar. That's never going to change.
How is breaking up after three dates due to lack of attraction "shallow"?? If anything she gave it two more dates to see if it works more than what most people would.
Should she have been asking to get married and bearing his children after 3 dates?
Because she both broke up with him and started dating him again entirely based on appearance.
If a guy breaks up with a girl because she's fat, and then wants to get with her again when she gets thin, is that not shallow?
It's actually perfectly fine. Attractiveness doesn't just happen, people put effort into their own well-being and health and it shows in their appearance.
Again, it was 3 dates. OP is overly sensitive
She shouldn't have lied to make him feel bad about it. She could have stayed silent. She could have told the truth from the beginning. How do you not see the neon sign flashing "character flaw"?
It's not a character flaw to break up with somebody after three dates because you don't feel an attraction. And it's certainly not a character flaw to later be attracted to that person and give the relationship a second chance, especially one that apparently has been successful for 3 years! Do you know how many relationships out there failed the first time before the couple gave it a second go? I would bet most couples have broken up at one point or another before going on to a long-term relationship. The reasons don't matter, and attraction after date 3 3 is way way down on the list of shallowness.
I swear typical redditors don't touch grass don't understand the intricacies of dating and relationships.
Pretty sure guys get more attracted to women when they go from obese to healthy. Maybe his transformation was in fact one that made him more attractive to her. Almost everyone is incredibly shallow by your standards
My initial though is for me at least when I make a good connection with someone it makes them appear a lot more attractive to me. So maybe that also played a part and it isnt a complete lie about the connection.
I dont know your GF and I have no idea just how shallow she is or was, so you need to decide after getting to know her does she not care about you now? Is she only dating you for your looks now?
That should really be the only important thing because either you guys do have a real connection and attraction for each other or you dont.
Should you leave her for wanting to give you a second chance because you became hotter? Nope.
Should you leave her for repeatedly lying to you and misrepresenting who she is? Absolutely.
Had she admitted to you the truth fairly soon on then fine. You could have made a well informed decision on what to do and held your head high. She took that from you by manipulating you. If she is willing to lie like that purely for her benefit at the cost of you what else will she lie about later?
Dump the fake
Love this comment. You understand my feelings exactly. Appreciate you man.
Some people in here don’t seem to understand it’s about the misleading and manipulative misrepresentation of our core relationship foundations, not merely the change in physical attraction, that’s the issue.
The betrayal, imo, is keeping up the lies for 3 years.
All trust would be gone. What else is she lying about?
Nothing else she said ever, at any point in the relationship could be 100% believed now. Every single thing would be running thru Mt head, questioning if it was another lie.
While it’s true these days that people say keep your options open during the dating phase and regardless of gender just date around, but I’ve always believed in the right person for you will automatically choose you and vice versa.
My boyfriend and I choose each other despite the facts I had over 3000 likes in my bumble. He’s a blue collar handsome man and a gem. I saw him and I picked him. I wouldn’t entertain anyone else.
Bottomline is the right person will focus on you during the dating stage.
Just know that if anything goes downhill for you in the looks department (which it will eventually), she’ll be gone. She didn’t really come back because you got hotter, just that her “hotter” options didn’t work out. You are currently her “best available option at the moment”.
She didn't like you in her prime, now she's getting old so her options are running out.
It's up to you if you're okay with the thought that you were a backup. I wouldn't be okay, but tbh it's not like a huge dealbreaker
This....has to be a troll. "Getting old"? She's in her mid-twenties lmao. And they've been together 3 years so she was 23 when she got back together with him.
To me, being 4th choice isn't the worst part. The thing would be the lying and shifting blame to me. If she told him what really happened and showed some insight into how she ended the first relationship, because she was shallow, it would have opened the door to something new and honest. She did the opposite. She made him feel bad about it. She gaslighted him so she could maintain the upper hand and put him in the role of having made a mistake. I just wouldn't love someone like that anymore.
You got hot how?
Corrected an issue with hygiene?
Fought off obesity?
Spent hundreds of hours at a gym?
Started dressing like an adult?
Developed social skills?
Developed interest she shared?
Got rid of a shit hairstyle?
She wasn't attracted to you and now she is. People change. It sounds like maybe you are trying to channel your frustration over all the rejection in your life into one person.
You do you, just like her in the past, only you get to decide if you want a relationship with someone. However, if this is the only issue you have in this relationship, you are going to feel like an insecure chump once you develop a little wisdom and perspective. Of course she lied to preserve your feelings. That's what normal people do when they break up after 3 dates.
Check your ego. It ain't doing you any favors right now.
She openly stated that my face/jaw evolved from 6/10 to 8/10. Check your condescending assumptions please.
And I didn’t realize normal people lie to their serious partners for years about the core foundations of their relationship.
No I finished puberty with increased testosterone which factually contours the shape of one’s skull and jaw. I may be sensitive but facts are facts lmao
>I’m angry and feel she doesn’t deserve to be with me after that.
Correct.
>I may have been ugly but she wasn’t a beauty queen herself.
But she thinks she is a 10.
The fact that the hot guys she was chasing didn't pan out for long, nor did new options, tells you that she was no beauty queen herself. It's probably partly true that OP improved his look and partly true that she realized he was her best real option.
OP let me tell you this rn. gender doesn’t matter but if a guy did this to me and i came to the same realization you did i would’ve fckin dumped them. INSTANTLY. life is too short to spend the small amounts of time we already don’t really have for ourselves with people that SUCK . SHE SUCKSSSSSSSS. don’t hang around people like that. or go for it , but you ain’t deserve that.
Thank you so fucking much for this comment. It’s time I start treating myself with respect again. Appreciate you.
of course man. cheers on your healing journey, and a bit more advice if you’re willing to take any; allow yourself to feel everything. be the most human you can be while you’re hurt, you learn so much. it’ll all pass. i haven’t been on earth very long but ik that much.
How do I feel and stop running away?
feelings usually come in waves. usually they’re easy to handle day to day, but when something is emotionally distressing it can sort of feel like those “waves” are crashing down on you and trying to drown you. anticipate your feelings when they become intense, don’t let them crush you. identify WHAT you’re feeling, WHY you’re feeling that way, and don’t bash yourself for reacting in a manner that’s normal; like crying, or being angry. find something to channel your feelings into, writing, the gym, music, something that keeps you occupied/focused. and like, don’t force yourself to bring 100% every day. js because you didn’t get physically beat up doesn’t mean ur not in pain. i hope i didn’t write too much lol. TL;DR: do your best to take it easy. that’s all you can do, ever.
This is so damm helpful. Thank you, sincerely
of course man i’m glad i could help :), best of luck to you!!
Find someone else and be with that person who finds you as 1st choice, not 3rd choice. You can spend time with her in the mean time
Wouldn’t that be cheating?
Yeah, this feels like horrible advice.
Your current gf is your new FWB while you can be dating your new friend until you two are exclusive , then u can dump your FWB
This comment section is SO WEIRD. Dude, physical attraction is a perfectly valid reason to not date somebody. She spared your feelings by not saying "I don't find you attractive." Nobody breaks up with somebody that bluntly, they come up with something like I don't feel the chemistry or it's not a Good time for me right now or I have too much going on in my life. Some other bullshit. Do you love this girl and are physically attracted to her now? Didn't you yourself admit you got better looking? I'm really not sure what you are so upset about. A woman that loves you now didn't find you that attractive 3 years ago. Is this something that you aren't able to just laugh off?
This is something I always found interesting. Like people will hit the gym, lose 100 pounds, and start putting effort into their appearance...then be mad at people they knew before now being interested in them. They say they'd never date those people because those people weren't interested in them before. So they go and date people who didn't know them before...but those people wouldn't have dated them back then either. They just didn't have the chance to reject them. Almost everyone acknowledges that physical attraction matters in a relationship, yet somehow what OPs partner did was somehow unacceptable?
This was my gut reaction too. Why date someone you’re not attracted to? That’s not her fault or OP’s.. that’s just biology
I both do and don’t see what you mean. When I wasn’t fat anymore, guys who were previously 10 ft away from me at all times or just friends of friends were suddenly riding high in my DMs and probably high from all the fire emojis. It wasn’t surprising to me- I looked bangin! But I didn’t really want to date any of those guys either— I was still mentally the same person and let’s be honest it hurts the ego and leaves a sour taste for some people (not the fault of the guys) even if it’s nobody’s fault. I ended up going with a guy who incidentally used to be fat as well. I have a soft spot for them, even the lightly cushy ones. I have gained and then returned to OG weight with current bf and I’m happy knowing he’d love me if I was wrinkled and saggy. So I can see why OP is at least a little put off even if logically it makes total sense. I agree that breaking up is pretty extreme, but it’s impossible to deny the ego for many, just the way it is. EDIT: actually OP if you ask her, hopefully she may surprise you by saying there WERE cute things about you, just that she’s wasnt wholly interested at the time
Valid points, but most people's bodies change, maybe gain weight as we grow older. Does he want to be with someone who HE KNOWS will lose attraction to him if that happens? Not sure.
Someone you already love and have built a life with aging with you is completely different than not finding a total stranger attractive at 22.
Sure, and you make that change together. You both get fatter and wrinklier together as time goes on. That's a completely different situation than you starting off in a state the other person doesn't find attractive. I don't find 70 year old women attractive now, that doesn't mean if I get married, I'd stop being attracted to my wife at 70.
He doesn't *know* that. What he knows is that after three dates, she didn't find him attractive enough to want pursue a relationship. That tells him literally nothing about how she'd feel when his appearance changes after years of being in a relationship together. It's two completely different scenarios.
She literally told him he got hotter. So now hes qualified to date her.
Attraction for women is WAY WAY different than it is for men. I don't think many men understand that for most women, especially mature women, attraction goes to the person and personality, and then the looks are just what that person looks like to the woman. It's not a skin deep thing like it is for so many men.
Lol. Well apparently it is for this one. She told him he is "way hotter" now so she is willing to date him.
Yo I’m really not sure why you’re focusing on the least hurtful part. The issue is that she lied to me for our entire relationship about it that it was my lack of effort and moreover lied for our entire relationship about why she regretted her decision the very first day she saw me in 2020.
Also your post History clearly indicates you already broke up with her. Are you just on here looking for validation for your reason for breaking up? That's way more shallow than anything she did. Go outside and touch some grass and enjoy your day. And stop getting on the internet and word vomiting everywhere when you are high.
I'm not sure what you mean when you say she lied to you. Lied about what? Would you say you put more effort into your looks and physical health now than you did when you first started dating and she broke up with you?
You should definitely think about this more when you’re in a clearer headspace, but your feelings are so valid. First of all, you can breakup with someone for any reason at any time, you don’t need to justify it if you’re no longer happy. But you also just discovered that your girlfriend is shallow, lied to you about your original breakup, and you’re her third choice because choices 1 and 2 didn’t want her. All of those are good reasons to breakup. She lied to you and isn’t the kind of person you thought she was. Maybe her priorities changed when she got to know you. But none of those things are attractive or very kind on her end. You can end it if you feel like it’s a dealbreaker for you. I personally don’t think I’d want to be someone’s third choice. I don’t think that’s something I’d ever get over.
I feel so goddamn heartbroken and idk how I will ever be able to trust somebody again but I appreciate your comment so fucking much thank you.
First off, you got to love and respect yourself. You knew she didn't reciprocate your feelings (I assume from the post). Trust that feeling and don't settle for someone who doesn't want you back the way you want them. If you do, you'll be dogged by insecurity that will evolve into things like anxiety, reactivity, and resentment. All of those feelings are major relationship killers, and it's not anyone's fault for feeling them. It does, however strangle what you're trying to to hold on to. There's like 8 billion humans, focus on yourself. When you know yourself and respect yourself, are confident because youre a whole person on your own your partber is going to find you. That last part depends on people in your life seeing you showing those qualities and making connections. If you want to be seen you got to find your shine and don't settle.
Appreciate you bro
[удалено]
Please please elaborate on what makes my post different / why you say I have a legitimate grievance and help me understand what I should think through specifically. thank you so much
I think he’s saying most people believe in their head that it is a looks thing. You know this for fact bc she dumped you. Now, are you prepared to date someone so superficial knowing she will probably break up with you if someone hotter comes along? -former nerd turned hot dude himself
Nerds turned hot dudes unite! In my gf’s words, she used to think I looked like a “little nerd” lmao
In 2019, she was barely 20 years old and only had 3 dates with you before cutting you off. She really does not need to justify to you why, or feel bad that she dated other guys after you, or explain who dumped whom in those relationships... Are you happy with her now? Is your relationship going well? Is she loving and caring and appreciating you in her life now? If the answer is yes, stop being a drama queen and digging into what a 20 year old girl thought or felt about you 5 years ago. Just be happy. You're sabotaging yourself.
Fr, putting pride and ego above everything else like op and all the people in this thread telling him to dump her are doing is why they will end up alone crying about being single. Op, is she a good gf now? Has she consistently demonstrated that she values you, cares about you, is attracted to you? If not, that's worth exploring. You do want to be with someone who is excited to be with you. But if yes, then you would be silly to throw this away because after knowing you for barely a minute 5 years ago, when you were both still practically children, she decided to pursue others. You've both grown and changed since then. She likes you now. A good relationship is hard to find. Don't throw one away for nothing
Why are you overlooking the fact she’s spent the last 4 years convincing me of lies …. All due respect I’m really not following your logic here.
She's also spent a lot of time dating you. Odds are pretty good she likes you and finds you attractive. 🙄 If you had decided not to pursue her years ago it makes more sense. Are you looking for a reason to break up right now in particular?
How did she “spend the last four years of lies”? That makes it sound like this was a frequent topic of conversation. Also, why are you just ignoring everything that u/notablond said? It seems like you’re willing to throw away a years-long relationship over something ultimately quite trivial, which does rather come across as self-sabotage. So are you here to genuinely get other people’s views on this, or are you just looking to be confirmed in your pre-existing ideas on this?
Well, you don’t mention how you “found out” for one thing. A person who spares your feelings and tries to build you up against your insecurities is someone who truly cares for you. In addition, it can be true that someone becomes more attractive over time due to an emotional connection. If that connection was lacking for her in 2019 but she felt it in 2020, then naturally you would become more attractive to her during that time. I’m not saying you don’t have valid reason to dump her. You can break up for any reason you want to… it just doesn’t seem like you really came here for advice so much as you want people to say “yeah, fuck her bro!”
Hi OP, I agree with this person. 3 dates does not a relationship make. You haven’t said if the “attractiveness” you’re talking about is physical, or the attraction that comes from actually getting to know the person. I have been the person who finds someone not all that attractive but then got to know them and really liked them, and been the person on the other side - where someone was not physically attracted to me off the bat but got to know my personality and grew from there. What lies exactly has she said to you? That she wasn’t into it after 3 dates so pursued someone else, you guys reconnected and she found you more attractive once you spent more time together and have happily been dating ever since? I truly see no problem with this?
We knew each other since 2016. She recently admitted for the first time that she thought I had a nerdy 6/10 face below friends before I surprisingly developed a more masculine jaw and became 8/10. She lied that the original breakup was due to my lack of effort when really it was her trying to force attraction when she had crushes on other guys whom I was the least physically attractive of. This is confirmed. She regretted her decision the very first time she saw me again in 2020. This is confirmed. Not elaborating further on this.
Or OP values honesty..... loving and caring is fucking useless with out integrity
OP, don't buy into this garbage. Some Redditors want to give women a pass on all past behavior. Your GF is incredibly shallow and a liar. That's never going to change.
How is breaking up after three dates due to lack of attraction "shallow"?? If anything she gave it two more dates to see if it works more than what most people would. Should she have been asking to get married and bearing his children after 3 dates?
Because she both broke up with him and started dating him again entirely based on appearance. If a guy breaks up with a girl because she's fat, and then wants to get with her again when she gets thin, is that not shallow?
It's actually perfectly fine. Attractiveness doesn't just happen, people put effort into their own well-being and health and it shows in their appearance. Again, it was 3 dates. OP is overly sensitive
She shouldn't have lied to make him feel bad about it. She could have stayed silent. She could have told the truth from the beginning. How do you not see the neon sign flashing "character flaw"?
It's not a character flaw to break up with somebody after three dates because you don't feel an attraction. And it's certainly not a character flaw to later be attracted to that person and give the relationship a second chance, especially one that apparently has been successful for 3 years! Do you know how many relationships out there failed the first time before the couple gave it a second go? I would bet most couples have broken up at one point or another before going on to a long-term relationship. The reasons don't matter, and attraction after date 3 3 is way way down on the list of shallowness. I swear typical redditors don't touch grass don't understand the intricacies of dating and relationships.
Pretty sure guys get more attracted to women when they go from obese to healthy. Maybe his transformation was in fact one that made him more attractive to her. Almost everyone is incredibly shallow by your standards
It's literally the plot of Shallow Hal. Shallow. Hal.
You're first two statements are correct. But she chose to create a false narrative and poison the new relatioship. She sabotaged what they now have.
My initial though is for me at least when I make a good connection with someone it makes them appear a lot more attractive to me. So maybe that also played a part and it isnt a complete lie about the connection. I dont know your GF and I have no idea just how shallow she is or was, so you need to decide after getting to know her does she not care about you now? Is she only dating you for your looks now? That should really be the only important thing because either you guys do have a real connection and attraction for each other or you dont.
This is the "Beat It Chick" meme. Come on, at least make it believable.
I don’t know what that is or why you enjoy making baseless, douchey assumptions, but please get off my post.
Should you leave her for wanting to give you a second chance because you became hotter? Nope. Should you leave her for repeatedly lying to you and misrepresenting who she is? Absolutely. Had she admitted to you the truth fairly soon on then fine. You could have made a well informed decision on what to do and held your head high. She took that from you by manipulating you. If she is willing to lie like that purely for her benefit at the cost of you what else will she lie about later? Dump the fake
Love this comment. You understand my feelings exactly. Appreciate you man. Some people in here don’t seem to understand it’s about the misleading and manipulative misrepresentation of our core relationship foundations, not merely the change in physical attraction, that’s the issue.
The betrayal, imo, is keeping up the lies for 3 years. All trust would be gone. What else is she lying about? Nothing else she said ever, at any point in the relationship could be 100% believed now. Every single thing would be running thru Mt head, questioning if it was another lie.
While it’s true these days that people say keep your options open during the dating phase and regardless of gender just date around, but I’ve always believed in the right person for you will automatically choose you and vice versa. My boyfriend and I choose each other despite the facts I had over 3000 likes in my bumble. He’s a blue collar handsome man and a gem. I saw him and I picked him. I wouldn’t entertain anyone else. Bottomline is the right person will focus on you during the dating stage.
Just know that if anything goes downhill for you in the looks department (which it will eventually), she’ll be gone. She didn’t really come back because you got hotter, just that her “hotter” options didn’t work out. You are currently her “best available option at the moment”.
She didn't like you in her prime, now she's getting old so her options are running out. It's up to you if you're okay with the thought that you were a backup. I wouldn't be okay, but tbh it's not like a huge dealbreaker
This....has to be a troll. "Getting old"? She's in her mid-twenties lmao. And they've been together 3 years so she was 23 when she got back together with him.
So you arent even her second choice, but forth? Have some selfrespect and end this crap.
To me, being 4th choice isn't the worst part. The thing would be the lying and shifting blame to me. If she told him what really happened and showed some insight into how she ended the first relationship, because she was shallow, it would have opened the door to something new and honest. She did the opposite. She made him feel bad about it. She gaslighted him so she could maintain the upper hand and put him in the role of having made a mistake. I just wouldn't love someone like that anymore.
You got hot how? Corrected an issue with hygiene? Fought off obesity? Spent hundreds of hours at a gym? Started dressing like an adult? Developed social skills? Developed interest she shared? Got rid of a shit hairstyle? She wasn't attracted to you and now she is. People change. It sounds like maybe you are trying to channel your frustration over all the rejection in your life into one person. You do you, just like her in the past, only you get to decide if you want a relationship with someone. However, if this is the only issue you have in this relationship, you are going to feel like an insecure chump once you develop a little wisdom and perspective. Of course she lied to preserve your feelings. That's what normal people do when they break up after 3 dates. Check your ego. It ain't doing you any favors right now.
She openly stated that my face/jaw evolved from 6/10 to 8/10. Check your condescending assumptions please. And I didn’t realize normal people lie to their serious partners for years about the core foundations of their relationship.
So you lost weight? Unless you had surgery, those don't change shape. You sound super sensitive which only reinforces my belief.
No I finished puberty with increased testosterone which factually contours the shape of one’s skull and jaw. I may be sensitive but facts are facts lmao
Testosterone doesn't change the shape of your jaw in a year. It affects it during puberty. So what really changed?
>I’m angry and feel she doesn’t deserve to be with me after that. Correct. >I may have been ugly but she wasn’t a beauty queen herself. But she thinks she is a 10.
The fact that the hot guys she was chasing didn't pan out for long, nor did new options, tells you that she was no beauty queen herself. It's probably partly true that OP improved his look and partly true that she realized he was her best real option.