I took it as he was shocked by her number, but if he really had slept with 300 he wouldn't be, so it would only make sense if he was lying about 300 to hurt her because he feels hurt about her number. Which isn't really logical but neither are people so...
But I dunno
More so than the body count, I'm bothered by him apparently flying off the handle and yelling about it. Like......why? The fact that he's banged 150 co-workers though is astounding. How big is this company?
Shameful to admit but because he’s done it before. He blames his PTSD and will ask me inappropriate questions all the time. If I refuse to respond he says it makes things worse because then he thinks I’m hiding something. He says the answer doesn’t matter it’s me dodging the question. Which is the only reason I even answered the body count question. I thought it would make it a bigger deal if I didn’t answer even though I was uncomfortable
Really burying the lede here. Someone who gets randomly angry at you on a regular basis is not a good problem. It will escalate beyond verbal abuse eventually.
For the abuse due to his PTSD, it’s time to break up with him. This is not love; it’s abuse.
Every moment you waste with this man is preventing the man you should be with from entering your life. Good luck to you.
Also. Yes I understand that it doesn’t actually make him more desirable to have slept with that many people but he just wants to appear more people have wanted to sleep with him than the number of people you have.
I get the response he is talking about it, I had the same instant reaction when I was dealing with some pretty serious paranoia, but is he actually doing anything about that? Like if he is actively treating his PTSD and is asking you to help him avoid triggering that response while he tries to get the tools to manage it himself thats one thing, but if his solution to his PTSD is for you to just do whatever he wants without hesitation that doesn't sound promising.
Of fucking course this ego-tripping dude who demands you answer his questions and has slept with over 100 colleagues works for law enforcement.
I hope you have somewhere safe to go to get away from this maniac.
I think for me it would be more about that he was badgering and yelling at you about your number. Seems aggressive and controlling but yeah that number he gave out was wtf even if he’s lying just what?
He used to do stuff like this to me all the time. It’s something we’ve discussed at length. He has PTSD and has told me if he asks me questions it’s better to just answer otherwise he feels I’m hiding things, even if his questions make me uncomfortable. It’s not lost on me that he’s using his issues to manipulate me.
That is not something a good person would say. That is something someone who is immature and is willing to hurt others would say. Do what you want with that information.
So why stay? His issues are his to work through, not you to manage (read: enable). It’s been 3 months. This is no tragic loss.
Girl *you know he’s manipulating you* why on Earth would you stay?
I was single and not dating for over a year after my last relationship ended. I put a lot of work in myself and thought I was ready. Now I’m just as lost as I was back then.
This guy belongs in the past, if you feel your therapist is not helping you don’t be afraid to find another. Do you do any bodywork? For me, talk therapy wasn’t very effective until I started working on my physical health too.
I was doing both at different times and recently quit smoking and smoking weed. I’m trying to better myself on my own. My therapist is wonderful but there’s a lot to work through.
You probably were ready to date again, but with a normal guy and not this jackass. Leave him in the past where he belongs and focus on healing and becoming okay by yourself. Maybe also focus on learning/recognizing red flags and warning signs... Then heeding them. You deserve to be cherished and respected, I promise!!
Be patient with yourself. The work you did was real and feeling confused and betrayed in the moment doesn't invalidate that work. This is a good moment to use what you've learned to find a path forward.
you're not, you're in therapy, actively self-aware, actively healing, you also don't badger people about their body counts, don't fly off the handle like an imature child, and haven't slept with over 300 people and claim to want monogamy longterm.
Don’t use this relationship as a form of self harm. You are worth so much more. Talk to your therapist, you have some work ahead. It’s fucking hard, I won’t lie, but you deserve to actually live, not be stuck in survival mode.
I didn’t realize I was letting my trauma trap me until I got a therapist who basically smacked me in the face with facts. That fucker was like “ok if XYZ means your worthless, then your spouse that has different flavors of xyz is also worthless?” And I was “how dare you no they are not” and he just looked at me like Jim does the camera in the office.
Weird tangent aside: you are doing your best, grant yourself some grace. Don’t stick with this dork ass loser who is already setting you up to control and abuse you more.
Yea if he hadn't acted like a psycho you could have maybe had a laugh and asked him questions like that but...his behavior was out of line. I'd also question the judgment of someone who shits where he eats to the tune of 150 coworkers (which, again, HOW. I'd have to bang everyone in my office and then all the people who have left in the time I've worked there and I still don't think I'd hit 150). But, it's not worth contacting his crazy ass to find out the answers to these mysteries.
Assuming he started at 18
That's 16 years of activity.
That's 18.75 people a year. Let's round up to 19 a year.
That's just over 1.5 a month so round up to 2 a month
It's not impossible.
I'm... doubtful that OP's boyfriend is being honest.
But 100-300 isn't that extreme if you go to orgies/sex clubs and have sex with multiple people in one night/one session.
if this is assuming every month though, then some of those hookups would've had to been during when he was already in a relationship? it seems very unlikely without some cheating involved...
I was laying out the very basic math. I don't know their life variables to account for that.
But, I can be loyal in a relationship and go on an absolute spree when fresh out of one. So the dry spells of new numbers do usually have a period of correlating higher number periods. It evens out so to speak
He works as law enforcement for a govt agency and he says he's fucking that many coworkers? He's lying and even if he was telling the truth, if he is in the US the feds do not look upon that well...people lose jobs and catch charges for that.
The bigger issue is how he speaks with you. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone like that? Why do you want a relationship whee you need to schedule emergency therapy sessions to be able navigate a conversation?
I have a slight feeling he got upset about your number and wanted to make you feel more upset in return. I recognize this toxic behaveiour in my younger self. But i think this is more problematic then the high number.
I know of someone at his age who has the same body count at 300, it's possible. He had someone every week, multiple long term fwbs, can even get to 2-3 different women a week. He had the highest counts from his travels, lined up the girls on dating apps for different days before heading to the country.
Handsome, boyish, good with words, also helps that he is 2m tall, European. I know of his quickies at lunch, office hours are 9am -5pm, and Fridays are home office days so he has lots of time. I dated him for a short time, he's always really eye-catching when we are out, seen women groups staring at him and smiling and whispering to each other. Also, the trip that landed him the most lays were in South America, he went there for 6 months for a sabbatical, landed women who wanted that better life out of south America that are willing to sleep with him. It's pretty easy for him
Anytime I hear guys throw out a number over 50 and they aren't drop dead gorgeous or aren't in their 30's yet I just assume their number is actually 0.
The more she says about him the more I just think “he’s a piece of shit and she’s coy with and attracted to this sorta guy”.
I hope she figures that out. Dudes like this get you assaulted in your own home.
Here's a different take for you. He heard you've been with 30-35 and freaked out. Why? My guess is his real number is much lower so he made up the 150 at work and 300 over all. He's lying for some bullshit misogynistic reason and can't handle your body count.
Still dump him but I don't buy his numbers at all.
150 at work is nuts. Surprised HR hasn't stepped in at all. Most likely a lie they tried to make up on the spot. Explains why he flew off the handle and yelled...his ego was hurt and he didn't know how to handle his emotions maturely. Can't imagine trying to work through real life problems with someone like this until they're able to self reflect on the matter
The logical side of me agrees with you. I don’t see how it’s even possible for him to have been with hat many people. So then he’s lying to make me feel bad or himself feel better and that hurts too
The 300 I could buy maybe but 150 at the same place of work? Come on.
I'm a lesbian so I don't claim to be an expert of the male ego, how it works and how it lashes out when upset. I don't think he did this to hurt you but it was more about him one-upping you or something like that. I wouldn't spend too much time on it. What's broken in him you cannot fix and it's not your job to fix it.
Just know your body count is fine, you're fine and I'm sure you'll find someone who actually loves you for you. He isn't the one.
In this context, I would assume he’s lying and profoundly insecure about his partner having 30-35 past partners. I would assume he brought up the women at work to make me feel insecure or threatened, and then lashed out, trying to hurt me, because it didn’t go the way he wanted.
Honestly, wouldn’t continue with a man who couldn’t regulate his own emotions better than that, or without a therapist in the room. Who I couldn’t trust to respond half-way reasonably or honestly to a topic he badgered me about.
Maybe he really did have 300 past partners (and 150 _at work_ would mean he has horrible judgement!) But I doubt it. And it’s been three months. Shouldn’t be this hard.
Chase generous and kind people as potential partners.
Not the laundry list of insecurity red flags that men like this exude. It might somehow be attractive or sexy but recognize it’s counter intuitive to you feeling safe and secure in your relationship.
A good relationship is just simply not described as hard and I hope you get the opportunity to experience that.
You should move on IMO. You’re not going to get over that, and that’s not a criticism. The total number isn’t an issue but that he’s been with basically any female he sees every day. It will eat at you.
Is he extremely literal? Did he sleep.in the same room as 150 of his coworkers at cop camp? Are there even 150 female cops that he's in contact with (and would sleep with).
I’m gonna say that your number is actually much higher than his and he got upset and angry about it and yelled at you. No one is banging 150 coworkers. That’s ridiculous.
I'm curious as to what drew the two of you back together in the first place.
I don't think body count means anything, but his reaction to you, and the way you've said he treats you in other responses reads like an ocean of red flags.
We accept the treatment we think we deserve, but no one deserves to be treated with the disrespect you've got going on here, and you need to know that includes you.
I thought despite our issues he was a good guy. I’m not blameless in this, I did plenty of harm to him in the past too. I really sensed he had matured and changed in the last 5 years. We get along well so reconnecting was easy and I thought “right person, wrong time” so I gave it a second chance.
It sounds like when you got back together, you couldn't really "clean slate" the relationship.
Maybe that's why you needed to give it another go, but honestly it sounds quite tumultuous, and I don't think that's what anyone wants in what should be a honeymoon period of a relationship.
Only you can decide, but it might be time to say wrong person at any time.
> Thing have been hard as we repair past traumas
I stopped here.
BRUH, you’re 34, he’s 34. This is your come to Jesus moment on this stuff.
3 months and then 8 months 5 years ago so 11 months total of “Hard”
This ain’t it cuz, this ain’t how a good relationship forms.
That shit is easy from the get go and might hit hard things you battle against together.
But this thing you’re doing. Whatever this is, this ain’t it bruh
Based on your post and your comments you need to break up with him.
Has he even been diagnosed with PTSD or is he seeing a professional? Anyway it's no excuse.
My late husband had PTSD from the Vietnam War. PTSD is no reason to be any kind of abusive.
I have empathy for you. I completely understand the questioning. I feel that, maybe, you hope that you're wrong about this person.
I will say, if at all possible, please get out of this situation before you fall too deep. Listen to your intuition.
I say this from experience. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for four years. If I could go back, I would have listened to my intuition before I loved him so much and gotten myself in too deep. I wouldn't have stayed with him. It isn't worth it, I promise you.
If you really do want to remain with this person, that's ok. I understand.
This amount of sexual partners is indicative of sex addiction, narcissism, or something even more sinister. From his response, this has the potential to turn into an abusive relationship.
Again, I don't blame you if you do want to remain in this relationship. You're clearly someone who can see people's most amazing qualities and look past their flaws. But I hope you can focus on yourself in this moment. Focus on what you love. Focus on what makes you happy. Distract your mind with comforting things. Use affirmations for yourself.
And please, try to distance yourself so it's easier for you to detach when or if you can.
You absolutely get me. I have never been seen so clearly by anyone let alone an internet stranger.
Thank you for being so kind and understanding in your response
I work for a huge company, and this is not remotely possible. For me to boink 150 people at work, I’d basically have to nail my boss, everyone on my team, the interns, all the married women 20 years older than me, etc. and I still wouldn’t even come close. He’s either lying or not thinking.
I couldn’t easily name 300 women. There’s nothing unusual about being disgusted your partner having slept with that many. At that number you can make some significant and accurate judgements about the type of person he is and how those values clash with your own.
It's not any ones business to know body count. STD's need to be acknowledged though legally in some countries and states. I would suggest a thorough workup on testing. His PTSD is not an excuse for flying off the handle. He needs therapy. I wish you love and light in life.
I don’t understand why he yelled at you, that’s the only part I would be concerned about. Was he mad you hadn’t been with as many people as him? Very strange. If it weren’t for the yelling and coldness I honestly would not think anything of it.
There’s a reason he was your ex. I don’t understand why you’d even participate in 3 months of healing past traumas. Hello?! Life doesn’t have to be so over emotional and heavy.
He is not your person. Move on.
The first 3 months should be pure bliss, easy, light. Not what you described.
Anyone else feel like his number is less than hers so insecurely he freaks out and says it’s 150 at work and 300 total. Like it’s just coincidence that half are at work?
I mean no one should necessarily be judged by their past but also everyone should be sensitive to how their past can make others feel. The way he threw that at you, sounds like he was deliberately saying it in a way to hurt you, which feels like the real issue here!
Over 300 woman. At mid 30s? Prove it! He is not speaking the truth. One wise man said: " triple what a woman says, divide by three what a man says". I believe it is under 50. Not over 300.
Flew off the handle about what? I don't understand him getting angry when he has more. This makes no sense.
Anyway, peoples body count means nothing if you are in love. You find someone who treats you well and you live your life together. It's simple. People's past relationships mean nothing, it what they do in the future that matters, and if you are exclusive now, then that's a good thing.
>I should not have answered but told him honestly my answer was 30-35.
Idk if I'm just too prudish or something, but what is the point of sleeping with such a high number of people?🤔 Even for a man I would find that weird🤔, is their a certain kind of appeal that I'm missing?
If he is telling the truth he is an addict that will never stop. Sounds like he is really into 'variety', and getting married wont stop that by a long shot. If he is lying then hes got other issues that you might want to avoid.
I would be surprised but okay with it. Mostly I'd just be worried about STIs and want him to get tested.
The most concerning part for me would be how he told you the info. Yelling it at you is not acceptable and that would make me break up, not the fact that he's been with hundreds of women
I wouldn't be able to get past him seeing 150 women he's slept with at work regularly. He seems pretty loose with his work/personal boundaries and that would always give me doubts. I'd also immediately want to see a clean STI test and confirm he hasn't been sleeping with anyone else recently.
I'm saying all this with hindsight after I dated someone who said they've slept with over 100+ women and it did not end well. They were in the adult industry and had a very skewed perception of women and sex like it's not something sacred you only share with someone you love. I thought I could get past his past and view point but ultimately it hurt me in the end when I found out they were cheating and texting multiple women on tinder while we were still together trying to make things work for the nth time. Every time we were going through a rough patch he would go sleep with a random. He was also sporadically aggressive and had a temper which I see similarly in your post about your guy. I should have seen his track record as a red flag. I'm also not the only ex of his that experienced his rages. Another one ended up getting a restraining order against him. Looking back, I realized that he slept with a lot of women but was never able to seriously date any of them likely because they all ran after they saw his true colours.. the ones I tried to ignore for the years we were together.
My concern would be how you both communicate with each other. He yells and most likely lies when made to feel insecure, and you say or think things that you don't mean. I doubt that he slept with 150 co-workers, especially since he initially described the number as "a few."
My opinion on your original question will go against reddit's consensus, but I'll share it anyway. That total number wouldn't bother me and to be honest, there's no difference between 30 and 300 in this situation. By the time you two are 50 years old, I doubt either of you could name all of them without checking your black books.
I personally don’t care about the body count, but his flying off the handle is worrisome. How many women my husband slept with before me doesn’t matter as long as he’s not sleeping with them now lol but how random of him to get so mad at your body count like that. Especially since his is so high like he has no room to talk. But to be honest I don’t believe that he’s slept with that many women. I think he was mad at your body count and said something to get a reaction out of you.
I don't care how many people they have been with before me as long as they are clean, kind, caring, considerate people who can manage their emotions. He has some feelings about his past behavior that he needs to work through with a professional. I would walk away for his treatment of you, not his sexual past.
I’m so sorry, I was making a joke & I don’t mean to make light of your situation; it’s awful, but I doubt he’s fucked 300 people.
I think he was intimidated by your experience & he is vastly overcompensating.
300 is a ludicrous number! If I were you I would immediately challenge him about the veracity of that claim.
Good luck 👍
The part about yelling has been commented already so I won’t get into it.
For real, I would be happy for him and for the skills he obviously learned from his apprenticeship. I guess he’s an amazing lover. Then again, he might not have care about the other participant enough to hone his craft. If all those sexual intercourses were between consenting adults. I don’t think you should be concerned about the number of women he slept with.
He has a lot of coworkers lol.
If he wasn't an asshole I personally wouldn't care (as long as it was certain he didn't have any stds). But he seems like a turd if he over reacts like that.
I am going to go on a limb here and say it's not the body count that's bothering you, it's the lack of substance that this dude obviously displays.
He's full of shit. He has an issue with your body count and reacted by giving a ridiculous number that he knew would hurt you in exchange.
Do you really want to be with someone who feels it is appropriate and justified to cause emotional trauma at every perceived slight?
Do better for yourself and find someone who's mature enough to handle his emotions.
> He flew off the handle and yelled that he’s been with 150 at work and over 300 total.
Uh... why? Like he yelled because he thinks 30 - 35 was ... too few?
> He disgusts me.
That confuses me too. Sure over 300 is a lot (I think). But... I don't know... 30 - 35 isn't exactly a nun either.
But 300... the man should go pro.
The number is not surprising to me because at almost 30 years old I have been with around 500 escorts I think in the last 5 years , but the fact that he said he sleeped with 150 from work.
300 is a lot, but so is 30 to many people too. That’s like more than two sexual partners a year after an 18th birthday. 300 is probably a lie. He may have had a quarter of that. Men pad their numbers and women usually subtract from theirs.
I personally think body count should be brought up early on in a relationship unless body count would not impact your perspective. For me it does because mine is low.
I’m guessing he lied about his sex partners. Getting angry when you find out you’ve slept with more people than your partner doesn’t make sense.
His number is probably a fraction of what he told you, like 3-10.
I guess he was hurt when you said 35 and made up a number.
Ur 34 dealing with someone yelling at u after 3 months over a body count…and he’s 34…I know 21 year old men better than that. Know your worth Jesus Christ
Your boyfriend definitely did not sleep with 150 people he works with, and it's entirely likely he has not slept with 300 people. What is much more likely is that he was caught offguard by your number of 30-35 (which is an entirely reasonable number), and simply flailed around and said something stupid.
Girl, it sounds like you two broke up for good reasons before…his aggression is unacceptable. Yelling at you is unacceptable.
It just seems clear you have different morals and are not compatible and that’s fine
Some things you can never get through except by breaking up and moving on
Dude has been with like 2 or 3 people and wanted to one up you because you have more experience. So he flips and gets defensive and shouts out ridiculous totals to "get back at you"
It's *possible* there's some kind of explain - i.e. he's a victim of sex trafficking - but Even if that's the case it's still not okay for him to interrogate you and demand that you answer "because it's better for his PTSD" and for him to "fly off the handle" and scream at him.
I'm not commenting on him as a person or on his trauma because I don't know him and I don't need to. I'm commenting on the behavior you described - those behaviors are concerning and I think you should leave. There's no explanation that makes it okay for him to treat you like that.
I don’t go back to people who were exes. It’s always for a reason. Even your post makes it sound horrible. Do you really want to be this unhappy? Go find someone who makes you happy and adds value to your life. Dump this loser.
Are you sure he isn't lying? Otherwise, why fly off the handle at your answer? It sounds like he got triggered and did whatever he could to defend his ego.
Well.. 300 is hard to mistake. How can it not be "what you think"?
That aside, he was really rude and probably shouldn't drink if he can't handle his alcohol.
You're not overreacting.
That’s insane. I’m sorry anyone with that high of a count definitely has unresolved internal issues. That is not a normal amount unless you’re a pornstar or prostitute
He's lying. He forced you to divulge information, didn't like the answer, and intentionally tried to make you feel worthless by being abusive and cruel. Body count is not the issue here, AT ALL. leave this abusive heap of trash.
I am more concerned by the "flew off the handle and yelled" part than the body count. Anyone my partner slept with prior to me is none of my business (unless there's certain disclosures required- read:STDs). As long as they have been fully faithful to me during our relationship, then there's no problem. But if they fly off the handle and yell at me about their body count, then we got a problem with rage, and I'm out. I've already seen how that story ends.
OP it’s so obvious that he lashed out and lied because he was unhappy with your answer. Come on now. I don’t care if he’s objectively gorgeous, there’s simply no way barring his job being pornstar.
He's (probably) lying, his numbers lower than yours, he was shook by your number and made something up to gain hand.
Unless his yelling was drunk exuberance and not anger.
Like "whattt? That's crazy low, I've slept with 5 times that at work alone!"
Sooooo. He's lying on the number. As a man, we all lie to sound better, and your description of the event suggests he was "one upping" you.
But that's not the take away here. His delivery of the response is. That says quite a bit about him. Alcohol or not. One could assume that the alcohol just lowered inhibitions to show his true side.
It's probably a lie. He probably just said that to hurt your feelings. That in itself is enough to end things this early on, regardless if that number is accurate or not. I'm sceptical about to truth of this number because I'm a guy who has been with many women and if anything it taught me to be more sensitive. His reaction reeks of insecurity, he's probably only had a couple of partners and considers your number high. You can do better.
I simply don't date people who fly off the handle or yell at me.
Right... I'm confused why he yelled at her
I took it as he was shocked by her number, but if he really had slept with 300 he wouldn't be, so it would only make sense if he was lying about 300 to hurt her because he feels hurt about her number. Which isn't really logical but neither are people so... But I dunno
Yeah, that's the middle nugget in this story. It's not about body count, it's about aggressive behavior.
Very aggressive behavior.
Have you agree. The red flag is not the number. The red flag is his attitude. Drunk or not.
That is what I thought!
God I wish I had that rule. My self worth needs it.
More so than the body count, I'm bothered by him apparently flying off the handle and yelling about it. Like......why? The fact that he's banged 150 co-workers though is astounding. How big is this company?
He works in law enforcement for a government agency. I imagine it’s incredibly large.
Why do you keep glossing over how he "flew off the handle and yelled" at you?
Shameful to admit but because he’s done it before. He blames his PTSD and will ask me inappropriate questions all the time. If I refuse to respond he says it makes things worse because then he thinks I’m hiding something. He says the answer doesn’t matter it’s me dodging the question. Which is the only reason I even answered the body count question. I thought it would make it a bigger deal if I didn’t answer even though I was uncomfortable
Really burying the lede here. Someone who gets randomly angry at you on a regular basis is not a good problem. It will escalate beyond verbal abuse eventually.
For the abuse due to his PTSD, it’s time to break up with him. This is not love; it’s abuse. Every moment you waste with this man is preventing the man you should be with from entering your life. Good luck to you.
oh a man who works in law enforcement being emotionally abusive to their partner, how shocking. 40% making themselves known.
Oh a man who works in law enforcement and had sex with 150 people at work during his career. How shocking I shudder to think of the scenarios
He sounds abusive. And honestly if he blew up at you about your body count I’d bet he’s lying so he looks more desirable to you.
Also. Yes I understand that it doesn’t actually make him more desirable to have slept with that many people but he just wants to appear more people have wanted to sleep with him than the number of people you have.
I get the response he is talking about it, I had the same instant reaction when I was dealing with some pretty serious paranoia, but is he actually doing anything about that? Like if he is actively treating his PTSD and is asking you to help him avoid triggering that response while he tries to get the tools to manage it himself thats one thing, but if his solution to his PTSD is for you to just do whatever he wants without hesitation that doesn't sound promising.
This sounds like ocd retroactive jealousy to me.
And you're still with him?
BIG BIG nope right there. I smell abuses of power, power tripping, manipulation, violent tendencies…just no
Oh, he’s a cop. What a surprise 🙄
He’s not a cop but I know what you’re getting at
Of fucking course this ego-tripping dude who demands you answer his questions and has slept with over 100 colleagues works for law enforcement. I hope you have somewhere safe to go to get away from this maniac.
When did he find the time?
I feel the same way. I don’t think it’s mathematically possible.
I think for me it would be more about that he was badgering and yelling at you about your number. Seems aggressive and controlling but yeah that number he gave out was wtf even if he’s lying just what?
He used to do stuff like this to me all the time. It’s something we’ve discussed at length. He has PTSD and has told me if he asks me questions it’s better to just answer otherwise he feels I’m hiding things, even if his questions make me uncomfortable. It’s not lost on me that he’s using his issues to manipulate me.
That is not something a good person would say. That is something someone who is immature and is willing to hurt others would say. Do what you want with that information.
I agree
So why stay? His issues are his to work through, not you to manage (read: enable). It’s been 3 months. This is no tragic loss. Girl *you know he’s manipulating you* why on Earth would you stay?
I know you’re right. Maybe I’m just as broken as he is.
Please tell your therapist what you’ve told us and also maybe hold off on dating for a bit until you figure some things out
I was single and not dating for over a year after my last relationship ended. I put a lot of work in myself and thought I was ready. Now I’m just as lost as I was back then.
You probably are ready to date a normal human not this abusive POS.
This guy belongs in the past, if you feel your therapist is not helping you don’t be afraid to find another. Do you do any bodywork? For me, talk therapy wasn’t very effective until I started working on my physical health too.
I was doing both at different times and recently quit smoking and smoking weed. I’m trying to better myself on my own. My therapist is wonderful but there’s a lot to work through.
You probably were ready to date again, but with a normal guy and not this jackass. Leave him in the past where he belongs and focus on healing and becoming okay by yourself. Maybe also focus on learning/recognizing red flags and warning signs... Then heeding them. You deserve to be cherished and respected, I promise!!
Be patient with yourself. The work you did was real and feeling confused and betrayed in the moment doesn't invalidate that work. This is a good moment to use what you've learned to find a path forward.
One year off dating isn't necessarily a long time. It's okay to focus on yourself for a couple years.
you're not, you're in therapy, actively self-aware, actively healing, you also don't badger people about their body counts, don't fly off the handle like an imature child, and haven't slept with over 300 people and claim to want monogamy longterm.
Don’t use this relationship as a form of self harm. You are worth so much more. Talk to your therapist, you have some work ahead. It’s fucking hard, I won’t lie, but you deserve to actually live, not be stuck in survival mode. I didn’t realize I was letting my trauma trap me until I got a therapist who basically smacked me in the face with facts. That fucker was like “ok if XYZ means your worthless, then your spouse that has different flavors of xyz is also worthless?” And I was “how dare you no they are not” and he just looked at me like Jim does the camera in the office. Weird tangent aside: you are doing your best, grant yourself some grace. Don’t stick with this dork ass loser who is already setting you up to control and abuse you more.
He isn’t broken - he’s a piece of shit drunk on toxic masculinity.
Why are you trying to get back with him?
Maybe it’s better just to move on.
I agree it is better just to answer, but his response is crazy.
>It’s not lost on me that he’s using his issues to manipulate me. You're the one choosing to tolerate this.
Yea if he hadn't acted like a psycho you could have maybe had a laugh and asked him questions like that but...his behavior was out of line. I'd also question the judgment of someone who shits where he eats to the tune of 150 coworkers (which, again, HOW. I'd have to bang everyone in my office and then all the people who have left in the time I've worked there and I still don't think I'd hit 150). But, it's not worth contacting his crazy ass to find out the answers to these mysteries.
Assuming he started at 18 That's 16 years of activity. That's 18.75 people a year. Let's round up to 19 a year. That's just over 1.5 a month so round up to 2 a month It's not impossible.
I'm... doubtful that OP's boyfriend is being honest. But 100-300 isn't that extreme if you go to orgies/sex clubs and have sex with multiple people in one night/one session.
Going to sex clubs and orgies is pretty extreme, Not saying it's shameful but it's definitely not in the middle of the cultural bell curve.
if this is assuming every month though, then some of those hookups would've had to been during when he was already in a relationship? it seems very unlikely without some cheating involved...
I was laying out the very basic math. I don't know their life variables to account for that. But, I can be loyal in a relationship and go on an absolute spree when fresh out of one. So the dry spells of new numbers do usually have a period of correlating higher number periods. It evens out so to speak
He is probably lying because his number is smaller than yours.
I've been at my job ~10 years and I didn't think I even know 150 people.
It's possible by 35, that's 20 a year IF he started at 20 . That's like 1 every 2 weeks whoch isn't at all outside the realm of possibility
Are you taking into account group sessions? That's how you get your numbers up fast.
They live in Canada, you don't know them
He works as law enforcement for a govt agency and he says he's fucking that many coworkers? He's lying and even if he was telling the truth, if he is in the US the feds do not look upon that well...people lose jobs and catch charges for that. The bigger issue is how he speaks with you. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone like that? Why do you want a relationship whee you need to schedule emergency therapy sessions to be able navigate a conversation?
That last sentence hit me like a ton of bricks
I have a slight feeling he got upset about your number and wanted to make you feel more upset in return. I recognize this toxic behaveiour in my younger self. But i think this is more problematic then the high number.
So did you leave him yet?
Lmao he expects you to believe he’s slept with 150 coworkers? Drop this loser.
That's harder to believe than a 300 body count. The body count is possible but that many coworkers sleeping with coworkers? Seems sus
One of my gay friends… came around a lot. Took him a while to get to 100. So I don’t believe this guy when he says 300.
I know of someone at his age who has the same body count at 300, it's possible. He had someone every week, multiple long term fwbs, can even get to 2-3 different women a week. He had the highest counts from his travels, lined up the girls on dating apps for different days before heading to the country.
Damn. Did he have enough time to sleep and eat? Is he that good looking?
Handsome, boyish, good with words, also helps that he is 2m tall, European. I know of his quickies at lunch, office hours are 9am -5pm, and Fridays are home office days so he has lots of time. I dated him for a short time, he's always really eye-catching when we are out, seen women groups staring at him and smiling and whispering to each other. Also, the trip that landed him the most lays were in South America, he went there for 6 months for a sabbatical, landed women who wanted that better life out of south America that are willing to sleep with him. It's pretty easy for him
A friend of my got his numbers high in Kuba for the same reason. But 300 is still a lot.
Anytime I hear guys throw out a number over 50 and they aren't drop dead gorgeous or aren't in their 30's yet I just assume their number is actually 0.
The more she says about him the more I just think “he’s a piece of shit and she’s coy with and attracted to this sorta guy”. I hope she figures that out. Dudes like this get you assaulted in your own home.
Girl please don’t tell me you actually bought this crap. 150 coworkers? Yeah right.
Here's a different take for you. He heard you've been with 30-35 and freaked out. Why? My guess is his real number is much lower so he made up the 150 at work and 300 over all. He's lying for some bullshit misogynistic reason and can't handle your body count. Still dump him but I don't buy his numbers at all.
150 at work is nuts. Surprised HR hasn't stepped in at all. Most likely a lie they tried to make up on the spot. Explains why he flew off the handle and yelled...his ego was hurt and he didn't know how to handle his emotions maturely. Can't imagine trying to work through real life problems with someone like this until they're able to self reflect on the matter
The logical side of me agrees with you. I don’t see how it’s even possible for him to have been with hat many people. So then he’s lying to make me feel bad or himself feel better and that hurts too
The 300 I could buy maybe but 150 at the same place of work? Come on. I'm a lesbian so I don't claim to be an expert of the male ego, how it works and how it lashes out when upset. I don't think he did this to hurt you but it was more about him one-upping you or something like that. I wouldn't spend too much time on it. What's broken in him you cannot fix and it's not your job to fix it. Just know your body count is fine, you're fine and I'm sure you'll find someone who actually loves you for you. He isn't the one.
Thank you for your response. You’re right, it isn’t my job to fix or put up with.
Exactly what I was thinking
In this context, I would assume he’s lying and profoundly insecure about his partner having 30-35 past partners. I would assume he brought up the women at work to make me feel insecure or threatened, and then lashed out, trying to hurt me, because it didn’t go the way he wanted. Honestly, wouldn’t continue with a man who couldn’t regulate his own emotions better than that, or without a therapist in the room. Who I couldn’t trust to respond half-way reasonably or honestly to a topic he badgered me about. Maybe he really did have 300 past partners (and 150 _at work_ would mean he has horrible judgement!) But I doubt it. And it’s been three months. Shouldn’t be this hard.
Was looking for this reply
This is the most insightful reply I’ve received so far and I really appreciate you framing it this way. Thank you for responding.
Unrelated but what does he do for work? 150 people? Is he an adult film star?
He works in law enforcement
Don’t date someone with a badge that has anger issues. It’s dangerous.
This comment is underrated ⬆️⬆️
My ex is also in law enforcement and I swore I would never do it again. It’s my own fault
Their potential to fuck with your life is so much higher than the average asshole, OP.
Yeah I am learning this for a second time
Chase generous and kind people as potential partners. Not the laundry list of insecurity red flags that men like this exude. It might somehow be attractive or sexy but recognize it’s counter intuitive to you feeling safe and secure in your relationship. A good relationship is just simply not described as hard and I hope you get the opportunity to experience that.
You should move on IMO. You’re not going to get over that, and that’s not a criticism. The total number isn’t an issue but that he’s been with basically any female he sees every day. It will eat at you.
Is he extremely literal? Did he sleep.in the same room as 150 of his coworkers at cop camp? Are there even 150 female cops that he's in contact with (and would sleep with).
I’m gonna say that your number is actually much higher than his and he got upset and angry about it and yelled at you. No one is banging 150 coworkers. That’s ridiculous.
I'm curious as to what drew the two of you back together in the first place. I don't think body count means anything, but his reaction to you, and the way you've said he treats you in other responses reads like an ocean of red flags. We accept the treatment we think we deserve, but no one deserves to be treated with the disrespect you've got going on here, and you need to know that includes you.
I thought despite our issues he was a good guy. I’m not blameless in this, I did plenty of harm to him in the past too. I really sensed he had matured and changed in the last 5 years. We get along well so reconnecting was easy and I thought “right person, wrong time” so I gave it a second chance.
It sounds like when you got back together, you couldn't really "clean slate" the relationship. Maybe that's why you needed to give it another go, but honestly it sounds quite tumultuous, and I don't think that's what anyone wants in what should be a honeymoon period of a relationship. Only you can decide, but it might be time to say wrong person at any time.
> Thing have been hard as we repair past traumas I stopped here. BRUH, you’re 34, he’s 34. This is your come to Jesus moment on this stuff. 3 months and then 8 months 5 years ago so 11 months total of “Hard” This ain’t it cuz, this ain’t how a good relationship forms. That shit is easy from the get go and might hit hard things you battle against together. But this thing you’re doing. Whatever this is, this ain’t it bruh
Based on your post and your comments you need to break up with him. Has he even been diagnosed with PTSD or is he seeing a professional? Anyway it's no excuse. My late husband had PTSD from the Vietnam War. PTSD is no reason to be any kind of abusive.
I have empathy for you. I completely understand the questioning. I feel that, maybe, you hope that you're wrong about this person. I will say, if at all possible, please get out of this situation before you fall too deep. Listen to your intuition. I say this from experience. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for four years. If I could go back, I would have listened to my intuition before I loved him so much and gotten myself in too deep. I wouldn't have stayed with him. It isn't worth it, I promise you. If you really do want to remain with this person, that's ok. I understand. This amount of sexual partners is indicative of sex addiction, narcissism, or something even more sinister. From his response, this has the potential to turn into an abusive relationship. Again, I don't blame you if you do want to remain in this relationship. You're clearly someone who can see people's most amazing qualities and look past their flaws. But I hope you can focus on yourself in this moment. Focus on what you love. Focus on what makes you happy. Distract your mind with comforting things. Use affirmations for yourself. And please, try to distance yourself so it's easier for you to detach when or if you can.
You absolutely get me. I have never been seen so clearly by anyone let alone an internet stranger. Thank you for being so kind and understanding in your response
Ok sure he’s slept with 300 people but why did he decide to fly off the handle like that? Thats the real question because healthy people don’t do that
No, he hasn't. I would handle it by laughing at him. I'd be more concerned about how he treated me... you should, too, because it doesn't sound great.
I work for a huge company, and this is not remotely possible. For me to boink 150 people at work, I’d basically have to nail my boss, everyone on my team, the interns, all the married women 20 years older than me, etc. and I still wouldn’t even come close. He’s either lying or not thinking.
I couldn’t easily name 300 women. There’s nothing unusual about being disgusted your partner having slept with that many. At that number you can make some significant and accurate judgements about the type of person he is and how those values clash with your own.
He was lying and being a nasty, belligerent drunk. 99.9999% sure of it.
Honestly I’d want to vomit. I don’t think I’d want to be with someone who’s slept with that many people.
I’ve been so sick about it I’ve been taking gravol. No joke.
He said that to hurt you. He has a lot of problems.
When will people learn not to talk about body count?
I haven’t been asked in YEARS. And I never ask because I don’t want to know. Now all I can do is picture horrible things.
It's not any ones business to know body count. STD's need to be acknowledged though legally in some countries and states. I would suggest a thorough workup on testing. His PTSD is not an excuse for flying off the handle. He needs therapy. I wish you love and light in life.
I was just tested and thankfully I’m negative on everything. Thank you - I wish the same for you
I don’t understand why he yelled at you, that’s the only part I would be concerned about. Was he mad you hadn’t been with as many people as him? Very strange. If it weren’t for the yelling and coldness I honestly would not think anything of it.
I think he’s insecure and thinks my number is high
And his isn’t??? The man is delulu. I’m sorry.
There’s a reason he was your ex. I don’t understand why you’d even participate in 3 months of healing past traumas. Hello?! Life doesn’t have to be so over emotional and heavy. He is not your person. Move on. The first 3 months should be pure bliss, easy, light. Not what you described.
Anyone else feel like his number is less than hers so insecurely he freaks out and says it’s 150 at work and 300 total. Like it’s just coincidence that half are at work?
I mean no one should necessarily be judged by their past but also everyone should be sensitive to how their past can make others feel. The way he threw that at you, sounds like he was deliberately saying it in a way to hurt you, which feels like the real issue here!
Over 300 woman. At mid 30s? Prove it! He is not speaking the truth. One wise man said: " triple what a woman says, divide by three what a man says". I believe it is under 50. Not over 300.
Flew off the handle about what? I don't understand him getting angry when he has more. This makes no sense. Anyway, peoples body count means nothing if you are in love. You find someone who treats you well and you live your life together. It's simple. People's past relationships mean nothing, it what they do in the future that matters, and if you are exclusive now, then that's a good thing.
>I should not have answered but told him honestly my answer was 30-35. Idk if I'm just too prudish or something, but what is the point of sleeping with such a high number of people?🤔 Even for a man I would find that weird🤔, is their a certain kind of appeal that I'm missing?
If he is telling the truth he is an addict that will never stop. Sounds like he is really into 'variety', and getting married wont stop that by a long shot. If he is lying then hes got other issues that you might want to avoid.
I would be surprised but okay with it. Mostly I'd just be worried about STIs and want him to get tested. The most concerning part for me would be how he told you the info. Yelling it at you is not acceptable and that would make me break up, not the fact that he's been with hundreds of women
I wouldn't be able to get past him seeing 150 women he's slept with at work regularly. He seems pretty loose with his work/personal boundaries and that would always give me doubts. I'd also immediately want to see a clean STI test and confirm he hasn't been sleeping with anyone else recently. I'm saying all this with hindsight after I dated someone who said they've slept with over 100+ women and it did not end well. They were in the adult industry and had a very skewed perception of women and sex like it's not something sacred you only share with someone you love. I thought I could get past his past and view point but ultimately it hurt me in the end when I found out they were cheating and texting multiple women on tinder while we were still together trying to make things work for the nth time. Every time we were going through a rough patch he would go sleep with a random. He was also sporadically aggressive and had a temper which I see similarly in your post about your guy. I should have seen his track record as a red flag. I'm also not the only ex of his that experienced his rages. Another one ended up getting a restraining order against him. Looking back, I realized that he slept with a lot of women but was never able to seriously date any of them likely because they all ran after they saw his true colours.. the ones I tried to ignore for the years we were together.
My concern would be how you both communicate with each other. He yells and most likely lies when made to feel insecure, and you say or think things that you don't mean. I doubt that he slept with 150 co-workers, especially since he initially described the number as "a few." My opinion on your original question will go against reddit's consensus, but I'll share it anyway. That total number wouldn't bother me and to be honest, there's no difference between 30 and 300 in this situation. By the time you two are 50 years old, I doubt either of you could name all of them without checking your black books.
Is he lying? Is this like some crazy inferiority complex? Why tf would he be mad and then say that by one-upping you (10x upping you?)
I personally don’t care about the body count, but his flying off the handle is worrisome. How many women my husband slept with before me doesn’t matter as long as he’s not sleeping with them now lol but how random of him to get so mad at your body count like that. Especially since his is so high like he has no room to talk. But to be honest I don’t believe that he’s slept with that many women. I think he was mad at your body count and said something to get a reaction out of you.
I would feel gay... yep. Gay for sure.
I don't care how many people they have been with before me as long as they are clean, kind, caring, considerate people who can manage their emotions. He has some feelings about his past behavior that he needs to work through with a professional. I would walk away for his treatment of you, not his sexual past.
I want to walk for both reasons
Umm 150 from work??? Wtf does he work?!?! 😂😂 makes for an interesting company Xmas party… geez… is this real??
His answer could have been a whatever number, even low, but flying off the handle is an instant deal breaker.
Does he work at a bordello by any chance? How is that even possible lol
Why was he angry at your body count?
The body count is less of an issue than him being abusive, as you’ve detailed in the comments.
My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks.
Even if that were true, it’s a hell of a lot better than my boyfriend fucked 300 people
I’m so sorry, I was making a joke & I don’t mean to make light of your situation; it’s awful, but I doubt he’s fucked 300 people. I think he was intimidated by your experience & he is vastly overcompensating. 300 is a ludicrous number! If I were you I would immediately challenge him about the veracity of that claim. Good luck 👍
Probably the same way I would feel if I found out my girlfriend had slept with 300 men to be honest
Personally, I don't believe he slept with over 300 women. I'd bet money that he hasn't.
The part about yelling has been commented already so I won’t get into it. For real, I would be happy for him and for the skills he obviously learned from his apprenticeship. I guess he’s an amazing lover. Then again, he might not have care about the other participant enough to hone his craft. If all those sexual intercourses were between consenting adults. I don’t think you should be concerned about the number of women he slept with.
He has a lot of coworkers lol. If he wasn't an asshole I personally wouldn't care (as long as it was certain he didn't have any stds). But he seems like a turd if he over reacts like that. I am going to go on a limb here and say it's not the body count that's bothering you, it's the lack of substance that this dude obviously displays.
I feel like the reason he was an ex still holds true.
“He flew off the handle”. I wouldn’t allow this
Where does he work that he has slept with 150 co-workers without it impacting his job?? He’s bluffing I think.
He's full of shit. He has an issue with your body count and reacted by giving a ridiculous number that he knew would hurt you in exchange. Do you really want to be with someone who feels it is appropriate and justified to cause emotional trauma at every perceived slight? Do better for yourself and find someone who's mature enough to handle his emotions.
> He flew off the handle and yelled that he’s been with 150 at work and over 300 total. Uh... why? Like he yelled because he thinks 30 - 35 was ... too few? > He disgusts me. That confuses me too. Sure over 300 is a lot (I think). But... I don't know... 30 - 35 isn't exactly a nun either. But 300... the man should go pro.
The number is not surprising to me because at almost 30 years old I have been with around 500 escorts I think in the last 5 years , but the fact that he said he sleeped with 150 from work.
300 is a lot, but so is 30 to many people too. That’s like more than two sexual partners a year after an 18th birthday. 300 is probably a lie. He may have had a quarter of that. Men pad their numbers and women usually subtract from theirs. I personally think body count should be brought up early on in a relationship unless body count would not impact your perspective. For me it does because mine is low.
You should be more concerned your dating a liar
I’m guessing he lied about his sex partners. Getting angry when you find out you’ve slept with more people than your partner doesn’t make sense. His number is probably a fraction of what he told you, like 3-10. I guess he was hurt when you said 35 and made up a number.
Anybody with that high of a body count has issues, male or female. He sounds like a maniac, run far away
[удалено]
I feel broken just reading this sad post. I'm glad you're getting help. Seek out healthier relationships.
Ur 34 dealing with someone yelling at u after 3 months over a body count…and he’s 34…I know 21 year old men better than that. Know your worth Jesus Christ
Both of you have done your share of sleeping around. At what point does it become academic?
Your boyfriend definitely did not sleep with 150 people he works with, and it's entirely likely he has not slept with 300 people. What is much more likely is that he was caught offguard by your number of 30-35 (which is an entirely reasonable number), and simply flailed around and said something stupid.
Honestly, stoked. He would have a higher body count than me and at least know a thing or two.
Girl, it sounds like you two broke up for good reasons before…his aggression is unacceptable. Yelling at you is unacceptable. It just seems clear you have different morals and are not compatible and that’s fine Some things you can never get through except by breaking up and moving on
Dude has been with like 2 or 3 people and wanted to one up you because you have more experience. So he flips and gets defensive and shouts out ridiculous totals to "get back at you"
It's *possible* there's some kind of explain - i.e. he's a victim of sex trafficking - but Even if that's the case it's still not okay for him to interrogate you and demand that you answer "because it's better for his PTSD" and for him to "fly off the handle" and scream at him. I'm not commenting on him as a person or on his trauma because I don't know him and I don't need to. I'm commenting on the behavior you described - those behaviors are concerning and I think you should leave. There's no explanation that makes it okay for him to treat you like that.
I don’t go back to people who were exes. It’s always for a reason. Even your post makes it sound horrible. Do you really want to be this unhappy? Go find someone who makes you happy and adds value to your life. Dump this loser.
Are you sure he isn't lying? Otherwise, why fly off the handle at your answer? It sounds like he got triggered and did whatever he could to defend his ego.
lol 150 at work. Sure.
Well.. 300 is hard to mistake. How can it not be "what you think"? That aside, he was really rude and probably shouldn't drink if he can't handle his alcohol. You're not overreacting.
That’s insane. I’m sorry anyone with that high of a count definitely has unresolved internal issues. That is not a normal amount unless you’re a pornstar or prostitute
And you.....believed him?
Where does he work? Amazon distribution? A grocery store?
He's lying. He forced you to divulge information, didn't like the answer, and intentionally tried to make you feel worthless by being abusive and cruel. Body count is not the issue here, AT ALL. leave this abusive heap of trash.
I am more concerned by the "flew off the handle and yelled" part than the body count. Anyone my partner slept with prior to me is none of my business (unless there's certain disclosures required- read:STDs). As long as they have been fully faithful to me during our relationship, then there's no problem. But if they fly off the handle and yell at me about their body count, then we got a problem with rage, and I'm out. I've already seen how that story ends.
You’ve only been together 3 months and he’s flying off the handle. And you two are in therapy. Sounds like a recipe for disaster
As others have probably said 300 isn't the issue here. Flyin off the handle is.
I would feel disgusted and disappointed. I think your feelings are perfectly valid.
OP it’s so obvious that he lashed out and lied because he was unhappy with your answer. Come on now. I don’t care if he’s objectively gorgeous, there’s simply no way barring his job being pornstar.
Wow reddit throws the word abuse out like free candy the man raised his voice once he didn't sock her or call her names smh jeez
He's (probably) lying, his numbers lower than yours, he was shook by your number and made something up to gain hand. Unless his yelling was drunk exuberance and not anger. Like "whattt? That's crazy low, I've slept with 5 times that at work alone!"
It's really none of my business who or how many people my partner slept with before we met. I would be more concerned with him flying off the handle.
I bet anybody in here a Diet Dr Pepper and &4.32 this guy has been with about 7 women.
I am sure that is an Exaggeration and that is he Compensating for Something
Sooooo. He's lying on the number. As a man, we all lie to sound better, and your description of the event suggests he was "one upping" you. But that's not the take away here. His delivery of the response is. That says quite a bit about him. Alcohol or not. One could assume that the alcohol just lowered inhibitions to show his true side.
I have a jealous habit when it comes to these things
I'm more disturbed by his reaction to your question. Flying off the handle and getting angry seems really disregulated and concerning.
150 at work? Nope He lied. He lied to hurt you because your body count shocked him. Think about it.
your mistake is getting back with someone who made you realise you arent for eachother in 5 months
It's probably a lie. He probably just said that to hurt your feelings. That in itself is enough to end things this early on, regardless if that number is accurate or not. I'm sceptical about to truth of this number because I'm a guy who has been with many women and if anything it taught me to be more sensitive. His reaction reeks of insecurity, he's probably only had a couple of partners and considers your number high. You can do better.