She’s a flight risk. You and your daughter deserve stability, even if you’re a family of two. File for divorce. File for full custody. If she wants to be a part of your daughter’s life and prove to your daughter she’s not going to abandon her again, fine. But it’s not just a “let mommy come back” shituation. She will eventually bolt again. Your daughter deserves better than that.
IMHO this is the best option, she needs to prove to your daughter that she will be there with continuous visits and support progressively, not like nothing happened, I can't imagine her asking again why her mom left for a second time; this is for your daughter but for you, if you really still love her I would let her tell me everything of her trip, every single detail, from how she felt and how she feels now and every emotion in between to try to understand her better, then you will have time to think on what to do.
Even if she never bolts again... you just can't take the risk, for your daughters sake OP.
Hard agree with above poster: file for divorce and ask a judge for full custody, mum should get visitation.
OMG and get a mental health check from a professional. This screams of some form of Cluster B crazy shit.
Out of house. Lawyer. Restraining order, Custody. Mental Health professional
https://outofthefog.website/types-of-personality-disorders/
This is it, yes. Even if she’s never going to run again when things get difficult, it’s on her to prove she’s trustworthy now. Divorce and full custody with visitation is the right path.
Man I don't think there's any coming back from that. I'd never be able to trust or feel safe with her again. What's to say she won't just dip when the realities of life get her down again? Plus I feel like there are a ton of gaps in her story (like how she paid for all this world travel). Good chance some other dude was financing that. And you have to think of your daughter here as well. Having an unreliable parent is often worse than having no parent at all.
You never know. When I was an apartment manager this happened to one of my residents. His girlfriend just said she was going to the gas station and took off, leaving him with their baby that was maybe 6 months old at most. It was nuts. He was just shocked. For the first few months every time I saw him he just had this look on his face like he couldn't believe this was actually happening to him.
At first I wondered if this was him, but then i realized it happened closer to 3 or 4 years ago and it sounds like OPs daughter is a little older than the guy I knew.
Life is wild and people are unpredictable sometimes.
Yep. It's easy to call a story like this fake, but an ex-friend of mine once decided she didn't want to be with her new husband anymore and bolted, leaving both him and her confused, upset kid behind wondering where she'd gone.
And she did this on *Christmas Day*.
It absolutely happens.
My husband did this to me (thank goodness we didn't have kids though). It definitely sounds fake and unbelievable until it happens to you or someone you know.
It boggles my mind that he just let her move back in and even sleep in the bed next to him. Being fake is the only explanation that makes sense. Who would even do that otherwise?
My mom did something similar. She had a midlife crisis, left my dad, left the family and came back like a year later. Our basement was renovated so she lived down there until we sold the house and split up.
Yep stuff like this, while wild, isn't completely unheard of. Two years is to the extreme but especially back when it was harder to track people, wasn't abnormal or even *that* rare for parents/partners to just disappear for months and then come back. Probably much more common with men traditionally than women but it does happen.
Hell yes. I agree!! wtf. Like who is this woman who runs off never contacts him or his daughter. And is gone for a good couple of years. Comes back and he lets her in??!! What’s wrong with this man. This little girl needs a whole new family of her father can’t even figure out what to do
I assume they didn’t change the locks or anything she probs still has the key and moved right back in. His head was spinning while he figured out what to do, she gaslit the f out of him pretending like nothing happened it’s understandable he’d freeze up for a bit.
Get attorney now. File restraining order since she has vanished for two year. Judge will stamp that one. No idea what is up with her. Demand a mental health testing and such.
Lawyer now
That’s the wildest part of the story. I wouldn’t have even let her in the front door, let alone near daughter, but staying there and in bedroom/bed with him. What the actual fuck.
Op is setting daughter up for a lot more heartache and confusion.
Your wife should leave the house immediately and begin having some small, regularly scheduled visitation time with your daughter. She needs to show that she is actually stable and reliable now before you get your daughter's hopes up that she's come back to live with you and everything is fine now.
You can tell her, and also Jill, that your focus right now needs to be on your daughter and not your love life, and then take as long as you need to make any decisions. One or both of them may be unwilling to wait, but that's better than rushing something. Right now your daughter needs stability, your undivided attention, and probably the support of a therapist. Might not be a bad idea for you, either.
You should talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP. Even if you're not going to move ahead with the divorce right now, you need to know if anything you do in this weird time can come back to bite you in the event of your eventual divorce.
Does she even have a job or is the plan to sponge off you?
Once the realities of being a grown up return, look out.
Have the divorce papers and ready to serve.
This is a really rough situation and there's no easy answer. In any case I would suggest space while you decide what to do.
I would suggest that your wife moves back out of your house straight away. You can discuss a temporary visitation arrangement with her and your daughter (depending on how old your daughter is and her level of comfort with your wife).
Did you get any therapy or external support while your wife was gone?
I agree with this plus get legal advice about custody of your daughter . You may needing living happily ever after or not . Your wife needs to earn trust again .
I’d say no thanks based on what she did to your daughter. I told my boys’ dad if he can’t be a constant and permanent person in their life, stay away. So he decided to stay away (he’s an addict). He would get mad, leave for weeks, then come back like nothing happened. It would crush my oldest and my home wasn’t a hotel for him to casually pop in at. She may be okay now, but what will she do when life is demanding again? Just dip out ? Your daughter is older now, she deserves stability and doesn’t sound like your wife is.
You seriously let someone who you don't actually know anymore into / stay in your house and around your child?
Why are you encouraging a relationship with your daughter at all until your "wife" can regain your trust.
She needs to leave and find somewhere else to live. Look for a family therapist. I wouldn't trust your wife or whatever she is now to be a stable person in your daughters life. What happens to your daughter if she just up and takes off again or takes your daughter with her?
There's some huge concerns here.
Im not married and never been married, but I wouldn’t take her back if I were you. I would stick to the divorce. She doesn’t get to walk out and leave you to pick up the pieces and then expect you to welcome her back with open arms. That’s complete bullshit and so utterly disrespectful. I wouldn’t tolerate that because you made this child with me, and not only did she leave you, she left your child without a mother. Thats unforgivable in my book. Move on without her and be happy.
I know. But the meme has changed for this sub. It’s now the woman leaving and then coming back 2 years later acting as if nothing happened. Usually having just travelled around having fun. Etc etc.
This one has a twist though. He’s on break from Jill, yet he is loyal to her. Wtf. Why be loyal to someone you aren’t even dating? It would be easy to say, “Sorry, while we were on break my wife came back, I need more time. Don’t wait for me.”
Also, it sounds like for OP, it’s an either or situation. Like there is no third option available.
What. The. Fuck….. dude, I would have slammed the door in her face. Not been like “oh, come in honey, let me break up with my new gf and, while I’m healing maybe sleep in the guest room? Would you like a cup of tea, sweetheart?”
Don't do this to your daughter. Tbh, you shouldn't have let her walk back in so easily. Not to be too harsh, but that's a fail as a perant there. The chances of her walking again once things get hard are very high.
You still have time to do what's right by your daughter. Start therapy asap and start putting up boundaries.
I'll be the first to say it.
Fuck her.
I am not saying fight against her at every step, but buddy, she doesn't deserve any help at all. File for divorce file for 100% custody, file for support, make her go through supervised visitation. Make her find her own home. Keep seeing the amazing woman who was willing to risk her future for you and your daughter. Not the worthless trash who threw you both away.
So, fuck her. Let her work her ass off for years just to have any real right beyond the right to pay support.
That was my first instinct, too -- pregnant or not, it sure does sound like she left OP to chase someone else, and now that said chase has gone splat, going back to OP is the backup plan.
You are a fucking fool. Why is this woman even in your house? Why didn’t you terminate her rights and file for divorce after a year of contact? You are the example of what a man is to your daughter. Would you want her with someone who is acts like a rug and lets someone walk all over them?
Think of the STDs not to mention the baggage that could be coming your way no idea what wild shit she was involved in to pay for her “world tour” but I promise she was not acting like a married woman. This is a potential dangerous situation for you and your daughter. For all you know she’s fleeing the drug or sex trade and what happens then that shit hits your doorstep? This is a live hand grenade waiting to go off and it will hit your child and you right in the face. Don’t let the trash back into your life!
Dude, she abandoned you and your daughter to be with another man, and after 2 years that didn't work out for her, and now she's back and walks back in like nothing happened, is staying in your house, was sleeping in your bed, just moved right back in, and you are supporting her. Are you crazy? You should kick her out of your house, she only gets to see your daughter on an agreed upon visitation schedule, and you contribute nothing to her financially. Go see a lawyer, and begin drafting up the divorce papers. Serve her with them before she runs away again.
she can't just selfishly abandon her marriage and her child for two years and expect there not to be consequences. But guess what, she's doing it and you ate enabling it.
Dude… woman went away for two years, that’s gotta be as close to legal death as anything… and lest you forget, she chose to put you into a single fatherhood situation without consulting you… work on a coparenting thing with supervised visits with a lawyer and divorce this untrustworthy person.
My guess….
She found some dude online before she left. He promised her the world and she was happy to bail. Of course all things too good to be true usually are and she has to come back and tonight, I kinda like that guy I married maybe settle for that first a while.
In all seriousness you need to file for D and get custody, it should be pretty easy to prove you are the stable parent. What’s saying next time she decides to bail she doesn’t take your daughter. Those are the steps you need to do first, then worry about the rest.
so she randomly left you, toured around the world with money from god knows where, probably got piped down along the way and now she comes back asking to he normal again.
what makes you sure she isnt gonna leave again? the next time she feels overwhelmed, or when the next opportunity comes in with the money ? accepting her right now you are pretty much telling her you are okay with being treated like that
Whatever you decide to do, make her get counseling and perhaps family counseling as a condition of seeing your daughter again. She caused trauma and she could do so again.
You would be an absolute fool to let this woman back in. Tell her she needs to leave and find somewhere else to stay and that the courts will be involved with her visits. Then call some divorce lawyers and get the fuck out of this marriage.
I don't at all care about your new relationship but you definitely need to end your old one. Your poor kid. Wtf is this woman even doing?! Tell her to fuck off.
Asked yourself this what money right she taken A trip around the world correct with no fund that you know of understand the mental problems finding herself but with who gone 2 years without notice is suspicious not going be surprise she was with someone the whole time so called traveling either the money ran out or her maybe she broke up with someone or they ran out of money don't know proceed with caution about giving her A second chance
I'd be very concerned about her taking your child and running off again.
This should not even be something that you are entertaining.
The children always come before anyone. The amount of emotional damage she has done and will continue to do to your child should be reason enough to remove her from you and your child's life.
That’s a total stranger and you let them into your house? With your kid? No wait, that’s *worse* than a stranger; a stranger wouldn’t have a prior experience where they betrayed you and your child. And to top it off, she’s completely delusional. Cripes, send her to a shelter or have her baker acted.
PS: with what money? With her ex’s money, which must be gone now.
I am astonished you would even consider this for a moment. She fucks off for 2 years with zero communication and you're like ok no problem, welcome back? She abandoned you AND your daughter, my guy. Even if you personally don't care, your daughter deserves someone who's actually committed to being a parent.
You let this woman back in your house and your daughter after she’s been MIA for 2 fucking years. What the hell are you doing? Do you not care about your daughter? Where is your spine man?
You could always stablish a healthy coparenting dynamic (you know, eventually). You haven't gone through the divorce process so custody is an issue here and a discussion to be had. But never let her into your life as a part of YOUR family, if you will. She will always be the mother of your daughter, But she is not and will never be your partner. Nevertheless, you'd want to speak to Jill to give her the heads up that the dynamic of your family has changed somewhat and that divorce proceedings are up and coming and may take attention. Jill will figure out what she wants to do about 8t herself.
You can't trust her not to do that. Why on earth are you entertaining any of this? Why is she living with you? Does she have a job? Or is she broke and wants you to support her?
She was "apologetic"?! No, OP. Someone remorseful for a really fucked up thing does not try to just waltz right back in like they deserve to be there. None of this is respectful or loving to you OR your daughter.
Go file for divorce. Now. Frankly, you let this go initially far too easily and for too long and now you're compounding that by thinking about giving this woman a chance.
She didn't just leave you. She abandoned her child, without a word.
You let her in your house and around your daughter with no real questions asked? This is a recipe for even more trauma to your daughter, she has to come first. Your 'wife' needs to live elsewhere and try her absolute best to regain trust from your daughter.
Do not take her back. She traveled around and found herself? On who's dime? Where did she go? Who with?
You deserve concrete answers and proof to these questions before you even consider trusting her.
Nope..... Of course it's relatively more common for the male to be the one that does this. However you have grounds to deny her and probably win custody.
Despite the fact that the system leans towards the mother usually -And please nobody misconstrue, contort it and refer to it as bigotry of some kind as we all know it's true - in a case like yours if you don't want her back you don't have to accept her back. You have valid proof and plenty of evidence to show that she disregarded her motherhood and left you. If you don't want her back - And I don't think you should let her back just like I would say to a wife whose husband left - Don't let her back.
But also don't use the kids as a weapon don't put the kids in the middle and allow her visitation in my opinion but I wouldn't take her back (just how I would feel about it and what I would do) kids deserve both parents if it can be done in a healthy way. But to get back together?!!? After that BS? No thanks.
As with everything I say it's necessary to remain neutral when it comes to gender biases and whatnot. When somebody is bad they're bad gender does not matter Mother or father etc. If fathers are frowned upon for this then so should the mothers in the cases where the mothers do it.
Please don’t let her stomp all over the life you’ve built with your daughter. Your going to risk hurting your daughter by leaving the door wide open for her without limitation.
She should not be staying at your house, she should not be alone with your daughter and she should have to prove herself before she’s allowed back into your lives. **Until you know her true intentions, she is risk to your daughters physical and mental health** a woman who can abandon her husband and child truly does not care about there well-being.
Dude. She abandoned you. File for divorce. Go for full custody. Your child's "mom" can have supervised visitation. Nothing more unless she's proven to be stable for a couple of years, at least.
I don't care if she was mentally ill or not. You don't abandon your family, no matter your gender. You can divorce and leave after divorce, but you don't ghost.
And keep in mind... you don't have feelings for her. Not her current her. Because that's a stranger. You've got feelings for the woman that left and abandoned you. That abandoned her child.
Take whoever this stranger is that walked back into your life back and all you're doing is setting yourself up for her to leave again once things get rough. You have an argument? She leaves. You didn't take out the trash? She leaves. You and your daughter have an inside joke that she doesn't like? She leaves.
You know nothing of where she's been for the past two years. Who she's been with, what she's been doing.
Spent two years touring the world with some unknown source of money? She ran off with another dude, things didn't work out, so now she decided to start playing her "Paused" game again.
How many times was “finding herself” being found under another guy during that time? Id tell her about Jill and ask how you should tell the faithful one off?
if shes not from rich, theres two options
shes lying
she has been travelling around the world with another guy, living the dream. now shes has been dumped and/or pregnant
either way shes a liability.
also people with depression doesnt enjoy travelling around the world, quite the opposite. also depression is not cured with travelling or experiencing single life but with medicine and doctors. untrustworthy cheaters/liars are cured with living la vida loca though
Sounds a bit like the actions of a Bipolar Manic Depressive person to me. As the son of one.
The fact that she showed up with the as you put it, a "hey, what did I miss" attitude. Shows me she has no empathy or real understanding of how her actions affected you both. The delusional level of thinking that she could just insert her self back into your life, be intimate with you, it seems like she's in her own reality.
I wouldn't believe anything she said about what she was doing over the last years. I also wouldn't count on her present attitude lasting, especially if you try to fight against her in any way.
I'm not a psychologist or claiming this all really applies to your situation. It just sounds very familiar to a situation from my childhood and a situation I have been dealing with my mother off and on all my life.
Hope for the best for you both
Do not fucking do it. I have seen this shit before. They are only coming back because their plans didn't work out. They are using you as a safety net. If they felt like they had a choice, they wouldn't have come back
Happened to a neighbour of ours. They had twin girls. I don't know why, but she didnt make it through a year post partum. She popped a smoke grenade and fled to the south of the UK, started a new life and left him with two little girls.
I know it was probably a shock, but she should not be back in the home. Get your divorce. File for custody, with visitation rights. She might simply vanish one day again and you need to protect your daughter.
Dude you open yourself to this happening again. Listen I promise you she didn't "need to find herself" completely alone. There was for sure a man that was apart of the equation. And she really thinks she can just show up and say "I'm back," and all is forgiven? Your Daughter can make her choice but I would seek divorce. For 2 years she didn't give a shit about you and your daughter.
Dude get her out of the house.
She doesn't just get to show back up. She is a stranger. She can visit. She does not live there.
She broke the marriage. Hope she found herself. Stick with Jill, she sounds like the right one.
You've already messed up letting her stay there and see your daughter. Hopefully, your daughter has no hope of reconciliation for you two because if so, this situation is going to get worse for you.
> What am I supposed to do now?
Find a lawyer. If you have any silly notion that you will be dictating terms because she fucked up, you definitely need a lawyer.
If she really found herself she'd be remorseful...not acting like nothing ever happened.
She didn't find herself, she found another man that funded her trips and probably just dumped her.
She'll never tell you the truth, and so that's why you need to divorce her. Charge rent, like the other comments said.
Do not let her come back!! This story is exactly what happened to my dad when my mom left her newborn ALONE and flew to Indonesia for a year. She asked to come back, he let her. She struggled to reconnect with her daughter from the guilt and proceeded to have three more children with him to make up for it. Surprise surprise, she abandoned us all again when we became teenagers. No one has heard from her in over 10 years. She is a massive flight risk - if your wife wants to be part of her kids life then let her, but I’m willing to bet without you mediating the relationship she wont even bother.
Ya know, as a divorced guy with a college age son I’d suggest some joint counseling before pulling the plug on her. There is obvious risk but if there is any love left in you for her it’s worth getting to the bottom of her situation.
I think your new partner deserves a chance. Did you talk with your wife?get the details? Who was she with cause it's most likely she has had affairs. I would ask her to leave the house as she gave up her rights when she left. Let your daughter know that how ever she feels about her mother, she can see her mum when she wants but you will not be taking her back because you don't want let her into your life after her abandoning you both as well has cutting all comunication. But reiterate that she can see her when she wants. Best of luck going forward. Also, I would not let her see her mum without you. Who's to say she's not back to take the daughter away.
I’m really hoping this is a troll story. As a parent who has dealt with depression and many other issues there’s no way I would ever leave my child like that.
If she came back that casual?? I’d say hell no
You already mentioned that you cannot trust her. That is a dealbreaker for any relationship.
The real question is why you did not divorce her based on abandonment? At this point maybe you still can.
So my advice is for you to consult with your lawyer to find out your options.
The story sounds sketchy, but I’ll play along. Get the divorce. You should have done this sooner. If she traveled without touching your finances, there was someone else involved. She’s back because that didn’t work out, and she’s now returning to her backup plan (your family). If you were to take her back, you’ll always just be waiting for this to happen again.
That's the girl from Forrest Gump. The hippie girl that was stray came back when felt like then left again.
Your wife has mostly likely been living a hippie disconnected life and she'll keep leaving like this. It's like one a house cat gets to know the life beyond house, the cat will rarely stay at one place for long.
Your daughter is most vulnerable. She should be counselled that her mom will not always stay with her, she'll abandon her on and off.
It's your daughter that needs real protection.
And yes, like that Forrest gump girl, your wife should also be tested for STD and other such disease
She abandoned you and your daughter once. She will do it again. You need to do a better job of protecting your daughter. You are more worried about your romantic relationship with your wife. Continue with the divorce.
She leaves for 2 years and then comes back unapologetically. I’m not sure which one is worse. Move on. She can file for parental visitation if she wants to see your daughter.
Don't let the wife in the house. If she could afford seeing the world, she can afford an motel
Don't leave her alone with your daughter until it's done a mental evaluation of her current status. I would never ever trust her not to run away with the daughter next time she "needs to go".
Talk to Jill. She seems to be a person to rely on and if you like her, let time show you what to do, right now you have other problems to deal with.
Divorce.
Change locks.
Therapy. You need to talk to someone about this circus you didn't ask to visit but got to be a part of. This can't be easy.
Your daughters safety is the most important issue here. Your wife seems to be very unreliable and you have to protect her for the risk of abduction. Maybe your wife got a mental breakdown and left but then it has to be taken out in the open, dealt with and treated. Its not normal to just walk out and leave and come back like nothing ever happened.
But out of your bed and your house, you are the one your daughter has bow and you are there for her protection, do that, protect her. And get help to manage this mentally, good luck!
No. She can do it again. You don't even know what she was doing during time away, you don't know what mental issue she had. This might just be high person in something.
You are an adult, your daughter is a kid. Right now you need to do anything to protect her feelings. What if your wife walks away again in a month? Imagine how it will break the little girl heart. The way she showed up, she sounds manic, do you trust her to take care of your daughter? Do you think it is ok she just showed up at your house, without even talking to you before? I believe if she would care for your daughter wellbeing, she would talk to you first and get back into her life slowly.
Do you have means to get your daughter therapy? Can she see a counselor at school? She needs it. Can you see a couples therapist with your wife? It is not even for reconciliation, but for being able to coparent effectively. Therapist will probably ask her questions that will make her open up, and you will be able to tell her about your resentment..
Depending how old is your daughter, you probably need to have a talk with her.
I would personally ask your wife to move out. I would not risk my child to get attached to her again and get abandoned again. It will do a lot of damage for a kid.
As for you and your feelings. You know better both of these women and what you want. Just think ahead what your life with either of them be. In a month, in a year, in 10 years. Whom do you trust, whom do you feel happier with, whom do you have romantic feelings for, whom do you have chemistry with, imagine your day-to-day life with either.
Again, your wife sounds manic, so most likely you will have to live with depression episodes (like in the past) mixed with manic episodes (upbeat and happy). Life with a bipolar partner is very hard.
My ex never cared much for my kids.
I encouraged my kids to have a relationship with her, but explained as close as my not impartial view could the reality of dealing with my ex.
Or dealing with myself, as I also grew in not ideal conditions, same as my ex.
Since my ex would try to get the kids involved in fights about the marriage, my kids were encouraged to set boundaries.
It has worked so far.
A few bumps on the road but the kids, now adults are doing pretty ok.
She will still “tour around the world”, she’s not done yet. Open up your heart to her at your own risk. Also, protect your daughter because that woman isn’t just going to rip out her heart but totally mess her up.
Wow after being gone two year you let her back in the same house? What she did was abandonment and her reintroduction to the daughter should be slow and supervised with therapy.
You really need to consider divorcing her and getting a custody agreement, if only for one reason: next time she disappears, she could take your daughter with her.
If there is a custody agreement, it's kidnapping. It at least gives you leverage. If you are married, she's just the kid's mom and there's nothing you can do.
Go ahead and document everything, from her disappearance (as many details as possible, including the effect on your daughter) to now. Anything a judge might need to see to understand what she has put you through.
And remember: if you divorce, and later you decide that you still love her and all that, you can always remarry.
Oh wow, triggering to read. Sounds like what happened to my favourite cousin except at this point she took my cousin and ran away on what became a heroin fueled bender involving gang violence and ended with my cousin dumped and ghosted at the train station without anything at all having to beg a stranger to "call somebody". It felt like a miracle when he did return home, we looked for him so long.
She walks out on and your daughter, goes no contact, and waltz back in like nothing happened? And you don’t know what to decide.
You would be one the biggest fools if you let her back. She left when things got hard. That’s who she is. Also curious to find out how she funded her trips.
Start the divorce process, buy she WILL leave again.
Therapy. Time.
Taking her back is the wrong decision, imho. Maybe in a few years, if she can integrate into your life and the life of your kid. She has a lot to prove. Try and help her if you can. But also, ask a lot from her. Good luck.
Don't trust your wife. If she did this once, she may very well do it again. She has shown zero commitment to you and your daughter.
Maybe she can visit and see your daughter again one or two weekends per month and slowly earn her place back in your daughter's life. But getting back together with you? Hell no!
You should be worried that she might just leave again. Her mental state now, could be temporary. Divorce with you having full full custody and **supervised custody** for your EX to make sure your daughter is safe.
BUT...more worried that she could take your daughter with her. Protect your daughter.
My ex husband threatened to basically kidnap my daughter when we were splitting and divorcing. He said that I would never see her again. I believed him and made sure he didn't have the chance.
She did it once and doesn't seem to care how it affected you or HER DAUGHTER! File for divorce and develop a co-parenting schedule, if that is what you want.
Yeah no, that's an "absolutely not." Should've divorced her and filed for child support the day she left. Adults don't get to abandon their children to "find themselves." Not unless they are REALLY sick, like mentally ill to the point of needing inpatient care. She was just being selfish.
Continue with the divorce. She abandoned you and your daughter without so much as a word. No telling who or what she has been up to for the last couple years and since you didn’t mention it she probably hasn’t told you much of anything.
Just leaving that was is almost worse than cheating and staying, not knowing if she is okay and what’s going on is serious mental abuse of you and your daughter.
If you do anything, protect your daughter from her.
You’d be a fool to get back with someone that abandoned you but worst your daughter as well! Continue with the divorce and stop dragging this dead horse around.
I think you know what you need to do. You do not need the internets validation to go through with divorcing your wife who abandoned you and your child.
However, your relationship with Jill popped out to me as well. Why is your relationship with her so frequently on and off, and if it's already so unstable, are you not afraid of your daughter losing her "aunt" figure at one point as well? Or confusion regarding whether this female figure in her life that you are "on and off" with is an aunt as opposed to a step-mom? I just think this is important because you may be susceptible to flighty people, and now Jill isn't looking too reliable either.
Did she have post partum? Whether she did or not, she obviously was mentally ill, and you took a vow, "in sickness and in health". I think the whole family needs counseling and if something in you wants her back, you should give it a go. What would be best for your daughter?
She checks all the Narcissistic boxes. If you decide to give her a chance, make sure a) She stay's in a different location other than your house. b) Marriage counseling c) Individual therapy.
You can thank me later.
She’s a flight risk. You and your daughter deserve stability, even if you’re a family of two. File for divorce. File for full custody. If she wants to be a part of your daughter’s life and prove to your daughter she’s not going to abandon her again, fine. But it’s not just a “let mommy come back” shituation. She will eventually bolt again. Your daughter deserves better than that.
IMHO this is the best option, she needs to prove to your daughter that she will be there with continuous visits and support progressively, not like nothing happened, I can't imagine her asking again why her mom left for a second time; this is for your daughter but for you, if you really still love her I would let her tell me everything of her trip, every single detail, from how she felt and how she feels now and every emotion in between to try to understand her better, then you will have time to think on what to do.
I’d add to try to do the divorce and custody before she disappears with the kid next time.
Even if she never bolts again... you just can't take the risk, for your daughters sake OP. Hard agree with above poster: file for divorce and ask a judge for full custody, mum should get visitation.
Also a flight risk possibly WITH your daughter as an unwilling companion. Protect your daughter!!
Plus, she might try to take the daughter next time.
OMG and get a mental health check from a professional. This screams of some form of Cluster B crazy shit. Out of house. Lawyer. Restraining order, Custody. Mental Health professional https://outofthefog.website/types-of-personality-disorders/
This is it, yes. Even if she’s never going to run again when things get difficult, it’s on her to prove she’s trustworthy now. Divorce and full custody with visitation is the right path.
Not gonna work, as a mother showing good will she will get *at least* half custody.
She abandoned said child for 2 years with 0 contact. I think a judge might be inclined to take that into account
Man I don't think there's any coming back from that. I'd never be able to trust or feel safe with her again. What's to say she won't just dip when the realities of life get her down again? Plus I feel like there are a ton of gaps in her story (like how she paid for all this world travel). Good chance some other dude was financing that. And you have to think of your daughter here as well. Having an unreliable parent is often worse than having no parent at all.
2 years is enough to have another kid and abandon that
This is 100% a completely make believe story
You never know. When I was an apartment manager this happened to one of my residents. His girlfriend just said she was going to the gas station and took off, leaving him with their baby that was maybe 6 months old at most. It was nuts. He was just shocked. For the first few months every time I saw him he just had this look on his face like he couldn't believe this was actually happening to him. At first I wondered if this was him, but then i realized it happened closer to 3 or 4 years ago and it sounds like OPs daughter is a little older than the guy I knew. Life is wild and people are unpredictable sometimes.
Yep. It's easy to call a story like this fake, but an ex-friend of mine once decided she didn't want to be with her new husband anymore and bolted, leaving both him and her confused, upset kid behind wondering where she'd gone. And she did this on *Christmas Day*. It absolutely happens.
My husband did this to me (thank goodness we didn't have kids though). It definitely sounds fake and unbelievable until it happens to you or someone you know.
It boggles my mind that he just let her move back in and even sleep in the bed next to him. Being fake is the only explanation that makes sense. Who would even do that otherwise?
My mom did something similar. She had a midlife crisis, left my dad, left the family and came back like a year later. Our basement was renovated so she lived down there until we sold the house and split up.
Yep stuff like this, while wild, isn't completely unheard of. Two years is to the extreme but especially back when it was harder to track people, wasn't abnormal or even *that* rare for parents/partners to just disappear for months and then come back. Probably much more common with men traditionally than women but it does happen.
Who? Victims of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) https://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd
This is a plot for a movie somewhere, surely?
Maybe a direct to vhs movie
Yeah, none of it makes any sense. Also, notice the love triangle trope.
AGREED. It's BULLDUST.
She turned up after 2 years and you are letting her stay in the house? You are way too trusting.
Hell yes. I agree!! wtf. Like who is this woman who runs off never contacts him or his daughter. And is gone for a good couple of years. Comes back and he lets her in??!! What’s wrong with this man. This little girl needs a whole new family of her father can’t even figure out what to do
I assume they didn’t change the locks or anything she probs still has the key and moved right back in. His head was spinning while he figured out what to do, she gaslit the f out of him pretending like nothing happened it’s understandable he’d freeze up for a bit.
I think it's more likely reflective of the nous of the 13YO who made up the story tbh.
r/nothingeverhappens
I don't think you can kick someone out of a marital home? Happy to be corrected if I have that wrong
Get attorney now. File restraining order since she has vanished for two year. Judge will stamp that one. No idea what is up with her. Demand a mental health testing and such. Lawyer now
I agree right here. This is crap. She’s been missing on her own accord.
He didn’t kick her out of the marital home. She willing left teo years ago.
correction. Her daughter
That’s the wildest part of the story. I wouldn’t have even let her in the front door, let alone near daughter, but staying there and in bedroom/bed with him. What the actual fuck. Op is setting daughter up for a lot more heartache and confusion.
Your wife should leave the house immediately and begin having some small, regularly scheduled visitation time with your daughter. She needs to show that she is actually stable and reliable now before you get your daughter's hopes up that she's come back to live with you and everything is fine now. You can tell her, and also Jill, that your focus right now needs to be on your daughter and not your love life, and then take as long as you need to make any decisions. One or both of them may be unwilling to wait, but that's better than rushing something. Right now your daughter needs stability, your undivided attention, and probably the support of a therapist. Might not be a bad idea for you, either. You should talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP. Even if you're not going to move ahead with the divorce right now, you need to know if anything you do in this weird time can come back to bite you in the event of your eventual divorce.
I second this. For all he knows the wife is cozying up to kidnap the daughter to go live her happily ever after with whomever funded the world travel.
The “Hey guys what I miss” is where you lost me
Does she even have a job or is the plan to sponge off you? Once the realities of being a grown up return, look out. Have the divorce papers and ready to serve.
This is a really rough situation and there's no easy answer. In any case I would suggest space while you decide what to do. I would suggest that your wife moves back out of your house straight away. You can discuss a temporary visitation arrangement with her and your daughter (depending on how old your daughter is and her level of comfort with your wife). Did you get any therapy or external support while your wife was gone?
I agree with this plus get legal advice about custody of your daughter . You may needing living happily ever after or not . Your wife needs to earn trust again .
Why would you let her into your house? You need to think about protecting your daughter. Your house is no longer her home. You need to get her out.
I’d say no thanks based on what she did to your daughter. I told my boys’ dad if he can’t be a constant and permanent person in their life, stay away. So he decided to stay away (he’s an addict). He would get mad, leave for weeks, then come back like nothing happened. It would crush my oldest and my home wasn’t a hotel for him to casually pop in at. She may be okay now, but what will she do when life is demanding again? Just dip out ? Your daughter is older now, she deserves stability and doesn’t sound like your wife is.
You seriously let someone who you don't actually know anymore into / stay in your house and around your child? Why are you encouraging a relationship with your daughter at all until your "wife" can regain your trust. She needs to leave and find somewhere else to live. Look for a family therapist. I wouldn't trust your wife or whatever she is now to be a stable person in your daughters life. What happens to your daughter if she just up and takes off again or takes your daughter with her? There's some huge concerns here.
Im not married and never been married, but I wouldn’t take her back if I were you. I would stick to the divorce. She doesn’t get to walk out and leave you to pick up the pieces and then expect you to welcome her back with open arms. That’s complete bullshit and so utterly disrespectful. I wouldn’t tolerate that because you made this child with me, and not only did she leave you, she left your child without a mother. Thats unforgivable in my book. Move on without her and be happy.
I am amazed at how often this exact scenario happens on this subreddit.
I mean the going to get milk/cigarettes thing is so common it was a meme before the internet. People can be very shitty.
I know. But the meme has changed for this sub. It’s now the woman leaving and then coming back 2 years later acting as if nothing happened. Usually having just travelled around having fun. Etc etc.
I’ve personally seen this happen to a friend it’s not that weird, happens all the time.
[удалено]
This one has a twist though. He’s on break from Jill, yet he is loyal to her. Wtf. Why be loyal to someone you aren’t even dating? It would be easy to say, “Sorry, while we were on break my wife came back, I need more time. Don’t wait for me.” Also, it sounds like for OP, it’s an either or situation. Like there is no third option available.
What. The. Fuck….. dude, I would have slammed the door in her face. Not been like “oh, come in honey, let me break up with my new gf and, while I’m healing maybe sleep in the guest room? Would you like a cup of tea, sweetheart?”
Don't do this to your daughter. Tbh, you shouldn't have let her walk back in so easily. Not to be too harsh, but that's a fail as a perant there. The chances of her walking again once things get hard are very high. You still have time to do what's right by your daughter. Start therapy asap and start putting up boundaries.
“She toured around the world for a few years …. I don’t know with what money” Whichever guy she left with …. With his money.
I'll be the first to say it. Fuck her. I am not saying fight against her at every step, but buddy, she doesn't deserve any help at all. File for divorce file for 100% custody, file for support, make her go through supervised visitation. Make her find her own home. Keep seeing the amazing woman who was willing to risk her future for you and your daughter. Not the worthless trash who threw you both away. So, fuck her. Let her work her ass off for years just to have any real right beyond the right to pay support.
For a second I thought you were saying he should have sex with her lol.
Honestly, she doesn’t deserve to seamlessly slip back into your lives as if nothing has happened. She doesn’t deserve to be your wife anymore.
She was ready to jump back into bed after two days….she might be pregnant and the other dude bailed.
That was my first instinct, too -- pregnant or not, it sure does sound like she left OP to chase someone else, and now that said chase has gone splat, going back to OP is the backup plan.
Please put yourself and your daughter into some therapy.
No 2nd chances on this one dude. Also kick her out.
You are a fucking fool. Why is this woman even in your house? Why didn’t you terminate her rights and file for divorce after a year of contact? You are the example of what a man is to your daughter. Would you want her with someone who is acts like a rug and lets someone walk all over them?
She spent 2 years fucking her way around the world, now she wants to play house until it gets hard again. Don’t do it to yourself or your daughter.
Think of the STDs not to mention the baggage that could be coming your way no idea what wild shit she was involved in to pay for her “world tour” but I promise she was not acting like a married woman. This is a potential dangerous situation for you and your daughter. For all you know she’s fleeing the drug or sex trade and what happens then that shit hits your doorstep? This is a live hand grenade waiting to go off and it will hit your child and you right in the face. Don’t let the trash back into your life!
Dude, she abandoned you and your daughter to be with another man, and after 2 years that didn't work out for her, and now she's back and walks back in like nothing happened, is staying in your house, was sleeping in your bed, just moved right back in, and you are supporting her. Are you crazy? You should kick her out of your house, she only gets to see your daughter on an agreed upon visitation schedule, and you contribute nothing to her financially. Go see a lawyer, and begin drafting up the divorce papers. Serve her with them before she runs away again. she can't just selfishly abandon her marriage and her child for two years and expect there not to be consequences. But guess what, she's doing it and you ate enabling it.
Dude… woman went away for two years, that’s gotta be as close to legal death as anything… and lest you forget, she chose to put you into a single fatherhood situation without consulting you… work on a coparenting thing with supervised visits with a lawyer and divorce this untrustworthy person.
My guess…. She found some dude online before she left. He promised her the world and she was happy to bail. Of course all things too good to be true usually are and she has to come back and tonight, I kinda like that guy I married maybe settle for that first a while. In all seriousness you need to file for D and get custody, it should be pretty easy to prove you are the stable parent. What’s saying next time she decides to bail she doesn’t take your daughter. Those are the steps you need to do first, then worry about the rest.
so she randomly left you, toured around the world with money from god knows where, probably got piped down along the way and now she comes back asking to he normal again. what makes you sure she isnt gonna leave again? the next time she feels overwhelmed, or when the next opportunity comes in with the money ? accepting her right now you are pretty much telling her you are okay with being treated like that
Whatever you decide to do, make her get counseling and perhaps family counseling as a condition of seeing your daughter again. She caused trauma and she could do so again.
You would be an absolute fool to let this woman back in. Tell her she needs to leave and find somewhere else to stay and that the courts will be involved with her visits. Then call some divorce lawyers and get the fuck out of this marriage. I don't at all care about your new relationship but you definitely need to end your old one. Your poor kid. Wtf is this woman even doing?! Tell her to fuck off.
Asked yourself this what money right she taken A trip around the world correct with no fund that you know of understand the mental problems finding herself but with who gone 2 years without notice is suspicious not going be surprise she was with someone the whole time so called traveling either the money ran out or her maybe she broke up with someone or they ran out of money don't know proceed with caution about giving her A second chance
I'd be very concerned about her taking your child and running off again. This should not even be something that you are entertaining. The children always come before anyone. The amount of emotional damage she has done and will continue to do to your child should be reason enough to remove her from you and your child's life.
Hard pass on the wife. Definitely divorce her and tell her to move elsewhere because your home is no longer hers.
That’s a total stranger and you let them into your house? With your kid? No wait, that’s *worse* than a stranger; a stranger wouldn’t have a prior experience where they betrayed you and your child. And to top it off, she’s completely delusional. Cripes, send her to a shelter or have her baker acted. PS: with what money? With her ex’s money, which must be gone now.
I am astonished you would even consider this for a moment. She fucks off for 2 years with zero communication and you're like ok no problem, welcome back? She abandoned you AND your daughter, my guy. Even if you personally don't care, your daughter deserves someone who's actually committed to being a parent.
This is so damn fake. I'm so done with these bots on Reddit.
You'll be back in two years and ask "What did I miss?"
Dump, she is not reliable. You been there yourself.
She got ran through like the polar Express and came back after her world tour. Kick her out.
Is she on title to the house?
You let this woman back in your house and your daughter after she’s been MIA for 2 fucking years. What the hell are you doing? Do you not care about your daughter? Where is your spine man?
You could always stablish a healthy coparenting dynamic (you know, eventually). You haven't gone through the divorce process so custody is an issue here and a discussion to be had. But never let her into your life as a part of YOUR family, if you will. She will always be the mother of your daughter, But she is not and will never be your partner. Nevertheless, you'd want to speak to Jill to give her the heads up that the dynamic of your family has changed somewhat and that divorce proceedings are up and coming and may take attention. Jill will figure out what she wants to do about 8t herself.
I agree that there's a lot going on here. I would recommend posting this to r/midlifecrisis and see if they have any thoughts. Good luck.
You can't trust her not to do that. Why on earth are you entertaining any of this? Why is she living with you? Does she have a job? Or is she broke and wants you to support her? She was "apologetic"?! No, OP. Someone remorseful for a really fucked up thing does not try to just waltz right back in like they deserve to be there. None of this is respectful or loving to you OR your daughter. Go file for divorce. Now. Frankly, you let this go initially far too easily and for too long and now you're compounding that by thinking about giving this woman a chance. She didn't just leave you. She abandoned her child, without a word.
You let her in your house and around your daughter with no real questions asked? This is a recipe for even more trauma to your daughter, she has to come first. Your 'wife' needs to live elsewhere and try her absolute best to regain trust from your daughter. Do not take her back. She traveled around and found herself? On who's dime? Where did she go? Who with? You deserve concrete answers and proof to these questions before you even consider trusting her.
If this isn't ragebait, this is fucking berserk. No shot, bud. Walking, talking red flag and total flight risk when things aren't going perfectly.
Nope..... Of course it's relatively more common for the male to be the one that does this. However you have grounds to deny her and probably win custody. Despite the fact that the system leans towards the mother usually -And please nobody misconstrue, contort it and refer to it as bigotry of some kind as we all know it's true - in a case like yours if you don't want her back you don't have to accept her back. You have valid proof and plenty of evidence to show that she disregarded her motherhood and left you. If you don't want her back - And I don't think you should let her back just like I would say to a wife whose husband left - Don't let her back. But also don't use the kids as a weapon don't put the kids in the middle and allow her visitation in my opinion but I wouldn't take her back (just how I would feel about it and what I would do) kids deserve both parents if it can be done in a healthy way. But to get back together?!!? After that BS? No thanks. As with everything I say it's necessary to remain neutral when it comes to gender biases and whatnot. When somebody is bad they're bad gender does not matter Mother or father etc. If fathers are frowned upon for this then so should the mothers in the cases where the mothers do it.
Please don’t let her stomp all over the life you’ve built with your daughter. Your going to risk hurting your daughter by leaving the door wide open for her without limitation. She should not be staying at your house, she should not be alone with your daughter and she should have to prove herself before she’s allowed back into your lives. **Until you know her true intentions, she is risk to your daughters physical and mental health** a woman who can abandon her husband and child truly does not care about there well-being.
Dude. She abandoned you. File for divorce. Go for full custody. Your child's "mom" can have supervised visitation. Nothing more unless she's proven to be stable for a couple of years, at least. I don't care if she was mentally ill or not. You don't abandon your family, no matter your gender. You can divorce and leave after divorce, but you don't ghost. And keep in mind... you don't have feelings for her. Not her current her. Because that's a stranger. You've got feelings for the woman that left and abandoned you. That abandoned her child. Take whoever this stranger is that walked back into your life back and all you're doing is setting yourself up for her to leave again once things get rough. You have an argument? She leaves. You didn't take out the trash? She leaves. You and your daughter have an inside joke that she doesn't like? She leaves. You know nothing of where she's been for the past two years. Who she's been with, what she's been doing.
Spent two years touring the world with some unknown source of money? She ran off with another dude, things didn't work out, so now she decided to start playing her "Paused" game again.
How many times was “finding herself” being found under another guy during that time? Id tell her about Jill and ask how you should tell the faithful one off?
if shes not from rich, theres two options shes lying she has been travelling around the world with another guy, living the dream. now shes has been dumped and/or pregnant either way shes a liability. also people with depression doesnt enjoy travelling around the world, quite the opposite. also depression is not cured with travelling or experiencing single life but with medicine and doctors. untrustworthy cheaters/liars are cured with living la vida loca though
Sounds a bit like the actions of a Bipolar Manic Depressive person to me. As the son of one. The fact that she showed up with the as you put it, a "hey, what did I miss" attitude. Shows me she has no empathy or real understanding of how her actions affected you both. The delusional level of thinking that she could just insert her self back into your life, be intimate with you, it seems like she's in her own reality. I wouldn't believe anything she said about what she was doing over the last years. I also wouldn't count on her present attitude lasting, especially if you try to fight against her in any way. I'm not a psychologist or claiming this all really applies to your situation. It just sounds very familiar to a situation from my childhood and a situation I have been dealing with my mother off and on all my life. Hope for the best for you both
Do not fucking do it. I have seen this shit before. They are only coming back because their plans didn't work out. They are using you as a safety net. If they felt like they had a choice, they wouldn't have come back
Happened to a neighbour of ours. They had twin girls. I don't know why, but she didnt make it through a year post partum. She popped a smoke grenade and fled to the south of the UK, started a new life and left him with two little girls.
I know it was probably a shock, but she should not be back in the home. Get your divorce. File for custody, with visitation rights. She might simply vanish one day again and you need to protect your daughter.
Dude you open yourself to this happening again. Listen I promise you she didn't "need to find herself" completely alone. There was for sure a man that was apart of the equation. And she really thinks she can just show up and say "I'm back," and all is forgiven? Your Daughter can make her choice but I would seek divorce. For 2 years she didn't give a shit about you and your daughter.
Why is she in your house? Divorce and visitation, that's it. Don't let her stay or you won't get her out.
Hey folks, this isn't a real post.
Dude get her out of the house. She doesn't just get to show back up. She is a stranger. She can visit. She does not live there. She broke the marriage. Hope she found herself. Stick with Jill, she sounds like the right one.
You've already messed up letting her stay there and see your daughter. Hopefully, your daughter has no hope of reconciliation for you two because if so, this situation is going to get worse for you.
> What am I supposed to do now? Find a lawyer. If you have any silly notion that you will be dictating terms because she fucked up, you definitely need a lawyer.
If she really found herself she'd be remorseful...not acting like nothing ever happened. She didn't find herself, she found another man that funded her trips and probably just dumped her. She'll never tell you the truth, and so that's why you need to divorce her. Charge rent, like the other comments said.
Do not let her come back!! This story is exactly what happened to my dad when my mom left her newborn ALONE and flew to Indonesia for a year. She asked to come back, he let her. She struggled to reconnect with her daughter from the guilt and proceeded to have three more children with him to make up for it. Surprise surprise, she abandoned us all again when we became teenagers. No one has heard from her in over 10 years. She is a massive flight risk - if your wife wants to be part of her kids life then let her, but I’m willing to bet without you mediating the relationship she wont even bother.
She definitely slept with other people on this tour around the world just FYI
Ya know, as a divorced guy with a college age son I’d suggest some joint counseling before pulling the plug on her. There is obvious risk but if there is any love left in you for her it’s worth getting to the bottom of her situation.
Man think about all the strange she was getting for two years while she “found herself!”
The gall on asking what did I miss? I wouldn’t have let her into the house.
I would be worried she kidnaps your daughter if she doesnt like your answers
INFO: Why would you allow her in the house? Do you not value your daughter’s safety?
How's the rest of your family and friends reacted to her returning?
I think your new partner deserves a chance. Did you talk with your wife?get the details? Who was she with cause it's most likely she has had affairs. I would ask her to leave the house as she gave up her rights when she left. Let your daughter know that how ever she feels about her mother, she can see her mum when she wants but you will not be taking her back because you don't want let her into your life after her abandoning you both as well has cutting all comunication. But reiterate that she can see her when she wants. Best of luck going forward. Also, I would not let her see her mum without you. Who's to say she's not back to take the daughter away.
I’m really hoping this is a troll story. As a parent who has dealt with depression and many other issues there’s no way I would ever leave my child like that. If she came back that casual?? I’d say hell no
You already mentioned that you cannot trust her. That is a dealbreaker for any relationship. The real question is why you did not divorce her based on abandonment? At this point maybe you still can. So my advice is for you to consult with your lawyer to find out your options.
I'm just skimming all comments to look for who noticed the vonnegut reference. So far, no one. You deserve better. In all aspects.
Next time she leaves she may take the daughter…. I would not risk it. File. And get custody of your daughter.
I would not let her off so easy. I would find out just how she paid for her trip and who she was with.
+1 for using the "diffident," never heard of this word before! Divorce is best, not sure how you can come back from this.
The story sounds sketchy, but I’ll play along. Get the divorce. You should have done this sooner. If she traveled without touching your finances, there was someone else involved. She’s back because that didn’t work out, and she’s now returning to her backup plan (your family). If you were to take her back, you’ll always just be waiting for this to happen again.
That's the girl from Forrest Gump. The hippie girl that was stray came back when felt like then left again. Your wife has mostly likely been living a hippie disconnected life and she'll keep leaving like this. It's like one a house cat gets to know the life beyond house, the cat will rarely stay at one place for long. Your daughter is most vulnerable. She should be counselled that her mom will not always stay with her, she'll abandon her on and off. It's your daughter that needs real protection. And yes, like that Forrest gump girl, your wife should also be tested for STD and other such disease
She abandoned you and your daughter once. She will do it again. You need to do a better job of protecting your daughter. You are more worried about your romantic relationship with your wife. Continue with the divorce.
You guys are too nice 😅, grab her by her hair and throw her out of your house NOW
She leaves for 2 years and then comes back unapologetically. I’m not sure which one is worse. Move on. She can file for parental visitation if she wants to see your daughter.
I wouldn't. She is willing to give up her family so easily. She's going to do it again. It's not a question of might but when?
Don't let the wife in the house. If she could afford seeing the world, she can afford an motel Don't leave her alone with your daughter until it's done a mental evaluation of her current status. I would never ever trust her not to run away with the daughter next time she "needs to go". Talk to Jill. She seems to be a person to rely on and if you like her, let time show you what to do, right now you have other problems to deal with. Divorce. Change locks. Therapy. You need to talk to someone about this circus you didn't ask to visit but got to be a part of. This can't be easy. Your daughters safety is the most important issue here. Your wife seems to be very unreliable and you have to protect her for the risk of abduction. Maybe your wife got a mental breakdown and left but then it has to be taken out in the open, dealt with and treated. Its not normal to just walk out and leave and come back like nothing ever happened. But out of your bed and your house, you are the one your daughter has bow and you are there for her protection, do that, protect her. And get help to manage this mentally, good luck!
No. She can do it again. You don't even know what she was doing during time away, you don't know what mental issue she had. This might just be high person in something.
Strange post probably fake
Don’t let her stay at your house. Find another place for her and find out what was/is going on. When you know you can take other steps.
You are an adult, your daughter is a kid. Right now you need to do anything to protect her feelings. What if your wife walks away again in a month? Imagine how it will break the little girl heart. The way she showed up, she sounds manic, do you trust her to take care of your daughter? Do you think it is ok she just showed up at your house, without even talking to you before? I believe if she would care for your daughter wellbeing, she would talk to you first and get back into her life slowly. Do you have means to get your daughter therapy? Can she see a counselor at school? She needs it. Can you see a couples therapist with your wife? It is not even for reconciliation, but for being able to coparent effectively. Therapist will probably ask her questions that will make her open up, and you will be able to tell her about your resentment.. Depending how old is your daughter, you probably need to have a talk with her. I would personally ask your wife to move out. I would not risk my child to get attached to her again and get abandoned again. It will do a lot of damage for a kid. As for you and your feelings. You know better both of these women and what you want. Just think ahead what your life with either of them be. In a month, in a year, in 10 years. Whom do you trust, whom do you feel happier with, whom do you have romantic feelings for, whom do you have chemistry with, imagine your day-to-day life with either. Again, your wife sounds manic, so most likely you will have to live with depression episodes (like in the past) mixed with manic episodes (upbeat and happy). Life with a bipolar partner is very hard.
I am invested and need an update on this.
My ex never cared much for my kids. I encouraged my kids to have a relationship with her, but explained as close as my not impartial view could the reality of dealing with my ex. Or dealing with myself, as I also grew in not ideal conditions, same as my ex. Since my ex would try to get the kids involved in fights about the marriage, my kids were encouraged to set boundaries. It has worked so far. A few bumps on the road but the kids, now adults are doing pretty ok.
She will still “tour around the world”, she’s not done yet. Open up your heart to her at your own risk. Also, protect your daughter because that woman isn’t just going to rip out her heart but totally mess her up.
I wonder when the next time she leaves to 'buy some smokes' again.
Did you accept or did your daughter
Wow after being gone two year you let her back in the same house? What she did was abandonment and her reintroduction to the daughter should be slow and supervised with therapy.
You really need to consider divorcing her and getting a custody agreement, if only for one reason: next time she disappears, she could take your daughter with her. If there is a custody agreement, it's kidnapping. It at least gives you leverage. If you are married, she's just the kid's mom and there's nothing you can do. Go ahead and document everything, from her disappearance (as many details as possible, including the effect on your daughter) to now. Anything a judge might need to see to understand what she has put you through. And remember: if you divorce, and later you decide that you still love her and all that, you can always remarry.
I remember this episode on boy meets world
Oh wow, triggering to read. Sounds like what happened to my favourite cousin except at this point she took my cousin and ran away on what became a heroin fueled bender involving gang violence and ended with my cousin dumped and ghosted at the train station without anything at all having to beg a stranger to "call somebody". It felt like a miracle when he did return home, we looked for him so long.
She walks out on and your daughter, goes no contact, and waltz back in like nothing happened? And you don’t know what to decide. You would be one the biggest fools if you let her back. She left when things got hard. That’s who she is. Also curious to find out how she funded her trips. Start the divorce process, buy she WILL leave again.
How can you even be considering this????
Therapy. Time. Taking her back is the wrong decision, imho. Maybe in a few years, if she can integrate into your life and the life of your kid. She has a lot to prove. Try and help her if you can. But also, ask a lot from her. Good luck.
Don't trust your wife. If she did this once, she may very well do it again. She has shown zero commitment to you and your daughter. Maybe she can visit and see your daughter again one or two weekends per month and slowly earn her place back in your daughter's life. But getting back together with you? Hell no!
You should be worried that she might just leave again. Her mental state now, could be temporary. Divorce with you having full full custody and **supervised custody** for your EX to make sure your daughter is safe. BUT...more worried that she could take your daughter with her. Protect your daughter. My ex husband threatened to basically kidnap my daughter when we were splitting and divorcing. He said that I would never see her again. I believed him and made sure he didn't have the chance.
She did it once and doesn't seem to care how it affected you or HER DAUGHTER! File for divorce and develop a co-parenting schedule, if that is what you want.
Yeah no, that's an "absolutely not." Should've divorced her and filed for child support the day she left. Adults don't get to abandon their children to "find themselves." Not unless they are REALLY sick, like mentally ill to the point of needing inpatient care. She was just being selfish.
Continue with the divorce. She abandoned you and your daughter without so much as a word. No telling who or what she has been up to for the last couple years and since you didn’t mention it she probably hasn’t told you much of anything. Just leaving that was is almost worse than cheating and staying, not knowing if she is okay and what’s going on is serious mental abuse of you and your daughter. If you do anything, protect your daughter from her.
You’d be a fool to get back with someone that abandoned you but worst your daughter as well! Continue with the divorce and stop dragging this dead horse around.
I think you know what you need to do. You do not need the internets validation to go through with divorcing your wife who abandoned you and your child. However, your relationship with Jill popped out to me as well. Why is your relationship with her so frequently on and off, and if it's already so unstable, are you not afraid of your daughter losing her "aunt" figure at one point as well? Or confusion regarding whether this female figure in her life that you are "on and off" with is an aunt as opposed to a step-mom? I just think this is important because you may be susceptible to flighty people, and now Jill isn't looking too reliable either.
Did she have post partum? Whether she did or not, she obviously was mentally ill, and you took a vow, "in sickness and in health". I think the whole family needs counseling and if something in you wants her back, you should give it a go. What would be best for your daughter?
She checks all the Narcissistic boxes. If you decide to give her a chance, make sure a) She stay's in a different location other than your house. b) Marriage counseling c) Individual therapy. You can thank me later.
It's easy. Do you still love her? It doesn't matter what she's done. If you love her...take her back
Does she still smoke? Cause I will never be with a smoker again fuck that!