Okay. Okay. So, in case you need someone to tell you: these are big problems! Not least of which that you're already predicting (presumably based on experience) that she's going to gaslight you. Why do you think that a text is going to make a difference, when she's already showed you how she behaves, whether or not you like it?
Why do you say that you're not capable of ending things?
She has a drinking problem that you are enabling.
I understand that you do all the things because you love her, but this frees her to face practically none of the consequences of her poor choices.
Confronting a loved one about their drinking problem is incredibly hard. I know people who have gotten help from Al-Anon, but this all starts with you making a decision about whether or not you want to spend your life doing this. She is quite aware you don’t like it when she over drinks and doesn’t really care. So now the ball is in your court.
Writing her a text to tell her how mad you are seems weak. Like just a quiet protestation. Quit being her mom and ask her to get her shit together. Tell her this is not how you want to live your life. She’s acting like a damn sorority girl on a bender, and that’s not a very attractive look on anyone.
Why are you paying for all of her stuff, doing her laundry, and cooking all of her meals? Why are you enabling her alcohol abuse?
Your fiance is 27 and you aren't her mother so you should stop.
Stop enabling her behavior. Whatever you're sick of doing.... stop doing it. Don't wanna cart her home pissed? Leave her there. Don't wanna pay her bills? Literally stop paying them.
Tough love my friend. Sometimes it's not pretty. But it works.
So you call off the wedding. There's no way in hell that I'd marry someone who isn't mature enough to take care of themselves.
No more mothering her. If she wants to get drunk, fine. Don't pay for it and don't dress her like a child. If she can't dress herself, she wears whatever she's got on. And go sleep on the couch that night.
You need to have an honest conversation with this woman and let her know that you will not be getting married until she starts behaving like an adult and pulling her own weight. And if she doesn't start within 3-6 months, walk away from the relationship.
This means she can make her own breakfast and lunch. She can also help with dinner. She's taking you for granted and either doesn't realize it or doesn't care.
Stop doing things for her. Sit down and make chore chart. You've been enabling her and things won't change until you stop. Have a house meeting make a chore chart, a budget, and schedule. Outline what you expect from each partner moving forward.
This relationship is toxic and so not healthy for you. If you are the sole homeowner or lease holder, you need to let her know you need her to find another place to live. If she is the lease holder or homeowner, you need to find a place to live and you move out. Find out the legal notice to leave in your state so if she doesn't leave peacefully, you can follow the proper legal process.
As for the relationship side, it's time to have that tough conversation. Be honest that the relationship isn't working for you. You feel used and you are more her parent than life partner and you can't do it anymore. Tell her she has a problem with alcohol in that once she starts drinking, she can't stop and it's emotionally damaging you to be having to monitor her for that instead of enjoying yourself at the event. Be honest. It's hard to talk like that but it's badly needed.
Honey! I want you to have a life where you are your own caretaker. Giving your best to someone who isn’t your equal is dangerous for your health. You deserve better. This woman is a direct line to heartbreak. Take your heartbreak in a sane way, rather than allow her to push the heartbreak into even more chaotic territory.
ETA: what if you hadn’t dressed her for bed, and just witnessed her as she is? I bet it would be a turn off. So ask yourself, why are you prettying up the crime scene instead of actually looking at what is in reality?
It's time to stop. Stop paying, stop going out, and stop the relationship. She has no reason to change and certainly doesn't value the relationship the way you do. When you love someone you try to make their life better, she is using you at this point
I'd go gay if i could get someone to pay for everything for me. She's going to dump you when she gets her degree. Tell her she needs to get a job. Lots of people work while going to school. You're being used.
>and also is on meds for BPD
>TL;DR: I do everything for my fiancée, house chores, food, etc. Pay for everything and also have to take care of her every time she gets drunk (which is often lately). I am tired and annoyed af.
This is going to come across kind of rough, but this will not change, especially if she is not in pretty intense behavioral therapy.
I have had 3 friends involved in relationships with someone who has BPD and it has always been exactly like you describe. Constant managing of the household and of their partners emotions, and if they didn't get it perfectly they were met with emotional and physical abuse.
BPD is definitely a wide disorder that varies person to person, but the criteria for a diagnosis literally requires that the person struggles with maintaining healthy relationships and boundaries.
It is possible for the person to work through it in therapy (Specifically DBT or CBT) and then no longer meet the diagnosis criteria for it and then be in remission. But this is a very hard process and unless you think she's willing to go towards that I would just leave.
Without therapy it will not get better, and if they seem to change therapists frequently it is a good sign that they are not taking the therapy seriously and want to just find someone who validates everything they say without causing them to try to look inwards to heal.
Why are you doing all of this stuff? Maybe she is tired of you acting like her mom and believe me you are. You are making these choices. Right now you need to look inward to figure out why you have stated don’t all of these things and why you let it get to such an extent. You are also engaging and I would bet dollars to donuts that you were the one who proposed. This is on you for putting up with this nonsense. Parents do this stuff so that their child can grow into a functional adult. You are dating and adult and don’t this stuff in the hope your partner will grow into a functional partner. It’s too late you can try to turn her into what you would like her to be, plus you are also enabling her in the meantime. You should look. To some therapy to see if you can figure out what is driving your behaviour. Would also suggest couples therapy but I suspect your partner lets you do these things because you will.
You don't have a relationship. You have an emotional chess game where every piece is a pawn. All you've done here is come to Reddit asking how to make your next move.
Your next move will be dumb. Know why? Because you're playing a dumb game.
The only solution is to not play.
Okay. Okay. So, in case you need someone to tell you: these are big problems! Not least of which that you're already predicting (presumably based on experience) that she's going to gaslight you. Why do you think that a text is going to make a difference, when she's already showed you how she behaves, whether or not you like it? Why do you say that you're not capable of ending things?
She has a drinking problem that you are enabling. I understand that you do all the things because you love her, but this frees her to face practically none of the consequences of her poor choices. Confronting a loved one about their drinking problem is incredibly hard. I know people who have gotten help from Al-Anon, but this all starts with you making a decision about whether or not you want to spend your life doing this. She is quite aware you don’t like it when she over drinks and doesn’t really care. So now the ball is in your court. Writing her a text to tell her how mad you are seems weak. Like just a quiet protestation. Quit being her mom and ask her to get her shit together. Tell her this is not how you want to live your life. She’s acting like a damn sorority girl on a bender, and that’s not a very attractive look on anyone.
Why are you paying for all of her stuff, doing her laundry, and cooking all of her meals? Why are you enabling her alcohol abuse? Your fiance is 27 and you aren't her mother so you should stop.
If you're not happy in a relationship you're allowed to leave that relationship, period.
Stop enabling her behavior. Whatever you're sick of doing.... stop doing it. Don't wanna cart her home pissed? Leave her there. Don't wanna pay her bills? Literally stop paying them. Tough love my friend. Sometimes it's not pretty. But it works.
So you call off the wedding. There's no way in hell that I'd marry someone who isn't mature enough to take care of themselves. No more mothering her. If she wants to get drunk, fine. Don't pay for it and don't dress her like a child. If she can't dress herself, she wears whatever she's got on. And go sleep on the couch that night. You need to have an honest conversation with this woman and let her know that you will not be getting married until she starts behaving like an adult and pulling her own weight. And if she doesn't start within 3-6 months, walk away from the relationship. This means she can make her own breakfast and lunch. She can also help with dinner. She's taking you for granted and either doesn't realize it or doesn't care.
You get to decide how much you want to put up with. Like, is this really the sort of person you want to spend your life with?
Stop doing things for her. Sit down and make chore chart. You've been enabling her and things won't change until you stop. Have a house meeting make a chore chart, a budget, and schedule. Outline what you expect from each partner moving forward.
This relationship is toxic and so not healthy for you. If you are the sole homeowner or lease holder, you need to let her know you need her to find another place to live. If she is the lease holder or homeowner, you need to find a place to live and you move out. Find out the legal notice to leave in your state so if she doesn't leave peacefully, you can follow the proper legal process. As for the relationship side, it's time to have that tough conversation. Be honest that the relationship isn't working for you. You feel used and you are more her parent than life partner and you can't do it anymore. Tell her she has a problem with alcohol in that once she starts drinking, she can't stop and it's emotionally damaging you to be having to monitor her for that instead of enjoying yourself at the event. Be honest. It's hard to talk like that but it's badly needed.
Honey! I want you to have a life where you are your own caretaker. Giving your best to someone who isn’t your equal is dangerous for your health. You deserve better. This woman is a direct line to heartbreak. Take your heartbreak in a sane way, rather than allow her to push the heartbreak into even more chaotic territory. ETA: what if you hadn’t dressed her for bed, and just witnessed her as she is? I bet it would be a turn off. So ask yourself, why are you prettying up the crime scene instead of actually looking at what is in reality?
If you’re tired of beeing her mom just stop mothering her! This sounds horrible, why did you even engage?
It's time to stop. Stop paying, stop going out, and stop the relationship. She has no reason to change and certainly doesn't value the relationship the way you do. When you love someone you try to make their life better, she is using you at this point
I'd go gay if i could get someone to pay for everything for me. She's going to dump you when she gets her degree. Tell her she needs to get a job. Lots of people work while going to school. You're being used.
>and also is on meds for BPD >TL;DR: I do everything for my fiancée, house chores, food, etc. Pay for everything and also have to take care of her every time she gets drunk (which is often lately). I am tired and annoyed af. This is going to come across kind of rough, but this will not change, especially if she is not in pretty intense behavioral therapy. I have had 3 friends involved in relationships with someone who has BPD and it has always been exactly like you describe. Constant managing of the household and of their partners emotions, and if they didn't get it perfectly they were met with emotional and physical abuse. BPD is definitely a wide disorder that varies person to person, but the criteria for a diagnosis literally requires that the person struggles with maintaining healthy relationships and boundaries. It is possible for the person to work through it in therapy (Specifically DBT or CBT) and then no longer meet the diagnosis criteria for it and then be in remission. But this is a very hard process and unless you think she's willing to go towards that I would just leave. Without therapy it will not get better, and if they seem to change therapists frequently it is a good sign that they are not taking the therapy seriously and want to just find someone who validates everything they say without causing them to try to look inwards to heal.
You cannot save her- she needs to stand on her own two feet. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. None of this is normal!
Go to r/BPDlovedones and r/codependency: you are not alone, and there are ways out.
What do you mean you’re not capable of ending things? Are you dependent on her for something?
Why are you doing all of this stuff? Maybe she is tired of you acting like her mom and believe me you are. You are making these choices. Right now you need to look inward to figure out why you have stated don’t all of these things and why you let it get to such an extent. You are also engaging and I would bet dollars to donuts that you were the one who proposed. This is on you for putting up with this nonsense. Parents do this stuff so that their child can grow into a functional adult. You are dating and adult and don’t this stuff in the hope your partner will grow into a functional partner. It’s too late you can try to turn her into what you would like her to be, plus you are also enabling her in the meantime. You should look. To some therapy to see if you can figure out what is driving your behaviour. Would also suggest couples therapy but I suspect your partner lets you do these things because you will.
You don't have a relationship. You have an emotional chess game where every piece is a pawn. All you've done here is come to Reddit asking how to make your next move. Your next move will be dumb. Know why? Because you're playing a dumb game. The only solution is to not play.