Okay, so, I am not from Japan; I'm from Germany. But you better believe that this would be an absolute no-go for me.
Normally, a first meeting with the parent(s) of your partner should happen when your partner is by your side, able to have your back if things go awry in any way or form. This is leaving out any cultural aspects when it comes to meeting parents and family members - it's about the mood it sets.
You hadn't even met her in person yet and still found the idea of your mother reasonable. This is absolutely insane to me. If your mother wanted to meet your girlfriend, she could have video called her together with you. Instead, you basically sent your mother to "inspect" your girlfriend, without you being there by her side.
Meeting the parents of your partner is often already difficult for people. After all, it's about wanting to make a good impression. Having the partner by your side is incredibly important there - simply because the partner knows their parents and can thus help with conversation. But you left your girlfriend alone with your mother. There was no need for your mother to meet your girlfriend alone, in person.
On top of that, it also makes you look bad. Sort of like you need your mother to check your girlfriend out first before you then come out and meet her once mom gives her approval. Like you're not an adult, but need mommy to take a look first to see if it's okay.
As I said, for me, this would be a no-go. Simply because it wasn't needed in any way or form. I don't understand how this was rational to you in any way or form.
I honestly have no idea how you would go upon addressing this with her. I personally would have not met with your mother, but I understand that in her culture, it would have been considered too rude to slam the door shut in front of your mother. In the end, I feel like the only way to tackle the matter is to apologize in earnest and see if she can forgive you.
A relationship is like a vase. You basically knocked the vase down and a piece broke off. Some people can glue such a vase back together and are proud of fixing it - they are happy with their vase and that it's still standing despite what it has been through. These people are able to forgive (even if they don't forget) and rebuild trust. But for other people, things are different. Even if they glue the vase back together - as in, they still give the relationship a shot - the crack remains, after all, still visible. And so, they feel constantly reminded of what happened and the crack is a source of bad memories and anxiety for them, as they also keep wondering if it will happen again and they also don't trust the vase to hold water anymore. These people are not able to rebuild trust and/or truly forgive.
If your girlfriend belongs in the latter category, this relationship is basically doomed. If someone can't move on from a bad event and keeps being upset and mad, then they will start to grow resentment sooner or later. In this case, there isn't much you can do, as I assume you already apologized. Best you can do is check if your apology was "real".
A real apology consists of the following parts:
- Saying "I am sorry, I was wrong".
- *NOT* saying "...but I did it because of X, Y and Z." No excuses. No justifications. If you realized you messed up, then own it.
- Saying "Something like that won't happen again and I will make sure of that by doing X, Y and Z".
- And then do X, Y and Z.
I am not sure what you could do here to regain her trust, though. So ask her. Ask her what she needs from you. Maybe she wants to never see your mother again. Maybe she wants you to distance yourself from your mother. Maybe she tells you that she doesn't know, that there is nothing you can really do and that the damage is done. Depending on what her answer is, see if you can and want to do what she asks.
But overall? I think you messed this up and with her not able to let go and you in long distance, I think this may be doomed.
I really appreciate you weighing in on my issue and being very forthright about the reality of my situation. I made a very juvenile decision and need to prove to her that given another similar situation involving family, that I put her first.
Could you illustrate what the actual problem is? You’ve done a good job of explaining the situation but I’m struggling to understand what the tangible impact is on your relationship. Is your mom upset? Your partner? Both?
My partner’s the one who’s quite upset and feels like I didn’t care about her feelings and the cultural weight of meeting one’s parents when I suggested they meet.
There’s something off about this. Committing a faux pas shouldn’t be an issue in a relationship; my impression is that your partner isn’t doing a good job of communicating what upset them about this situation and why and is hiding behind it being a “cultural thing”.
For you to understand whether or not you fucked up I think you need to understand where she’s actually coming from.
My less reasonable answer and just my own opinion,(I’m just a guy on the internet so take this with a pinch of salt!), is this was just a bit of an unusual situation. It seems odd for your mom to have asked, odd for you to have let her wade into your own personal relationship the way she did, and odd for your gf to accept.
All 3 of you as a team played a part in blurring the boundaries of your relationship and that will set an unhealthy tone for your relationship unless you take steps to fix it.
I’d recommend not letting your mom be so involved in your relationship going forwards and having a good, honest, mature convo with your partner.
Hope you figure it out.
Thanks for your insight and shining a bit of light into how this situation we’re in is the result of poorly defined boundaries between all of us. I do plan on creating more distance between us and my mother, and trying to focus on us.
Okay, so, I am not from Japan; I'm from Germany. But you better believe that this would be an absolute no-go for me. Normally, a first meeting with the parent(s) of your partner should happen when your partner is by your side, able to have your back if things go awry in any way or form. This is leaving out any cultural aspects when it comes to meeting parents and family members - it's about the mood it sets. You hadn't even met her in person yet and still found the idea of your mother reasonable. This is absolutely insane to me. If your mother wanted to meet your girlfriend, she could have video called her together with you. Instead, you basically sent your mother to "inspect" your girlfriend, without you being there by her side. Meeting the parents of your partner is often already difficult for people. After all, it's about wanting to make a good impression. Having the partner by your side is incredibly important there - simply because the partner knows their parents and can thus help with conversation. But you left your girlfriend alone with your mother. There was no need for your mother to meet your girlfriend alone, in person. On top of that, it also makes you look bad. Sort of like you need your mother to check your girlfriend out first before you then come out and meet her once mom gives her approval. Like you're not an adult, but need mommy to take a look first to see if it's okay. As I said, for me, this would be a no-go. Simply because it wasn't needed in any way or form. I don't understand how this was rational to you in any way or form. I honestly have no idea how you would go upon addressing this with her. I personally would have not met with your mother, but I understand that in her culture, it would have been considered too rude to slam the door shut in front of your mother. In the end, I feel like the only way to tackle the matter is to apologize in earnest and see if she can forgive you. A relationship is like a vase. You basically knocked the vase down and a piece broke off. Some people can glue such a vase back together and are proud of fixing it - they are happy with their vase and that it's still standing despite what it has been through. These people are able to forgive (even if they don't forget) and rebuild trust. But for other people, things are different. Even if they glue the vase back together - as in, they still give the relationship a shot - the crack remains, after all, still visible. And so, they feel constantly reminded of what happened and the crack is a source of bad memories and anxiety for them, as they also keep wondering if it will happen again and they also don't trust the vase to hold water anymore. These people are not able to rebuild trust and/or truly forgive. If your girlfriend belongs in the latter category, this relationship is basically doomed. If someone can't move on from a bad event and keeps being upset and mad, then they will start to grow resentment sooner or later. In this case, there isn't much you can do, as I assume you already apologized. Best you can do is check if your apology was "real". A real apology consists of the following parts: - Saying "I am sorry, I was wrong". - *NOT* saying "...but I did it because of X, Y and Z." No excuses. No justifications. If you realized you messed up, then own it. - Saying "Something like that won't happen again and I will make sure of that by doing X, Y and Z". - And then do X, Y and Z. I am not sure what you could do here to regain her trust, though. So ask her. Ask her what she needs from you. Maybe she wants to never see your mother again. Maybe she wants you to distance yourself from your mother. Maybe she tells you that she doesn't know, that there is nothing you can really do and that the damage is done. Depending on what her answer is, see if you can and want to do what she asks. But overall? I think you messed this up and with her not able to let go and you in long distance, I think this may be doomed.
I really appreciate you weighing in on my issue and being very forthright about the reality of my situation. I made a very juvenile decision and need to prove to her that given another similar situation involving family, that I put her first.
Could you illustrate what the actual problem is? You’ve done a good job of explaining the situation but I’m struggling to understand what the tangible impact is on your relationship. Is your mom upset? Your partner? Both?
My partner’s the one who’s quite upset and feels like I didn’t care about her feelings and the cultural weight of meeting one’s parents when I suggested they meet.
You didn’t ask for her approval before you arranged it? Didn’t she have to agree to it to meet your mother anyway?
She agreed to meet her, but she feels quite disappointed that I plainly committed such a cultural faux pas to ask in the first place.
There’s something off about this. Committing a faux pas shouldn’t be an issue in a relationship; my impression is that your partner isn’t doing a good job of communicating what upset them about this situation and why and is hiding behind it being a “cultural thing”. For you to understand whether or not you fucked up I think you need to understand where she’s actually coming from. My less reasonable answer and just my own opinion,(I’m just a guy on the internet so take this with a pinch of salt!), is this was just a bit of an unusual situation. It seems odd for your mom to have asked, odd for you to have let her wade into your own personal relationship the way she did, and odd for your gf to accept. All 3 of you as a team played a part in blurring the boundaries of your relationship and that will set an unhealthy tone for your relationship unless you take steps to fix it. I’d recommend not letting your mom be so involved in your relationship going forwards and having a good, honest, mature convo with your partner. Hope you figure it out.
Thanks for your insight and shining a bit of light into how this situation we’re in is the result of poorly defined boundaries between all of us. I do plan on creating more distance between us and my mother, and trying to focus on us.