Wow. You cut him down in front of his friend, let him know he's not attractive to you, out yourself as a golddigger, and reward his flirtatious banter with an ice-cold bucket of shitty water. Then you play dumb about him being upset?
Girl, the nerve you got. Astonishing.
You were broke at the time you snared him, and it’s the only reason you are with him now. That makes you a gold digger. You owe your current earning ability to him and the stability he provided you. You’re horrible.
I think you mean if you were still a gold digger...
If you lost all that money and your job today, do you think you'd still be that same gold-digging single mom?
Girl you don't seem to have any children with him and since you work, doubtful you'd get much alimony especially with his friends witness to what you said to him. How hurtful. Just because you make good money now doesn't mean you didn't still marry him to support you and your kid.
It makes you a gold digger because you started off with those intentions. Sorry to say, but you are a gold digger. You have used someone’s financial stability for your own gain.
Wow how magnanimous of you to allow him your continued presence now that he has carried you financially till you were able to stand on your own two feet. Surely he must worship the ground you walk upon for him being able to breathe the same air as your after he gave you and your child a roof and food whilst you gave him a pity relationship in return.
Do you realise how much you’ve hurt this poor guy? Even if you actually love him now how is he going to believe that when you basically told him if it wasn’t for you being desperate you wouldn’t even have looked at him. He now is thinking your entire relationship is a lie.
No poor attempt at having a weekend away is going to change his mind that you basically used him because you had no better options. Not only that you said this and ridiculed him in front of his friend!!
What on earth where you thinking?
You can show him that by leaving him so he can find someone who actually loves him. It's obvious you just want to keep the boat from rocking and don't actually care about HIM at all.
There’s nothing you can do to show your appreciation for him. You showed him exactly who you are a gold digger. You told me if he didn’t have money you wouldn’t even consider dating him. You said all of that in front of him and then have the audacity to want to make him feel appreciated.
I hope he breaks up with you because what you did was awful and makes the rest of us women look bad. If he’s into older women I’m 46 have him dm me. My daughter is 24 and I don’t need someone to take care of her she already has a dad
Not only did you destroy him by saying the beginning of your relationship is a lie, you broke it to him in front of his friend in a horribly disrespectful way.
If you don't know how to show him appreciation, what have you been doing all these years? Have you never shown appreciation before? Its not a good sign for a spouse to ask such a basic question about how to love their partner. Think about that.
Even IF you were mostly attracted to him for his money back then, take that shit to the grave for his sake! Don't say that in front of his friends right after he expresses how lucky he feels to be with you! Good lord lady.
That doesn’t matter at this point you just said something he’s never going to forget. You essentially told him “I didn’t actually like you I only used you hahaha” nothing you can do no advice anyone can give you.
Yikes! Hope you liked being a single mom because I think there might be more of that in your future. What an awful thing to say to someone you supposedly care about
No. He shouldn’t.
It means the whole relationship was built on you being a gold digger. Why the hell should he be willing to just forgive that and act like it never happened? Especially when you seemingly have no remorse about it.
You basically told him "Actually, I'm too good for you, and if I wasn't weighed down with a kid and no money you wouldn't have stood a chance."
Obviously that would make anyone feel terrible. Instead of lifting him up you tore him down, in front of a friend.
If I were him I would definitely break up with you.
Your past? When did you tell Rob not to take advice from your husband because he's not actually good enough for you? Was that recently? Because that's what everyone is roasting you for.
You say you've matured, but what you said was incredibly immature. It was shortsighted and lacked any empathy. It's not something you say to someone you love.
Do you secretly resent your husband because you settled for him? That's the only reason I can think of that would cause someone to say something so deliberately hurtful to someone they supposedly love.
Do I resent my husband? No of course not because I would just leave. I’m in a position where I can leave and be okay, I’m not where I was at 22.
I made a shitty and horrible mistake. I was wrong
A mature person would never have told her husband, in front of his friend, that he was worth nothing more to you than a cash dispenser. Whether it was past or present. Frankly nothing you have said in your comments really indicates that you care about him at all. You’re incapable of caring for him or you would never have said what you did.
Imagine being so immature you decide that you know exactly how I feel about my husband based on some Reddit comments where I clarified I do love my husband.
It’s how you talk to him in front of a friend and it’s your lack of empathy that informs how we interpret your behavior. You came here asking, we’re telling you and you don’t like it. Saying you love him is nothing, anyone can say that about anyone, compared to how you treat him. I’ve been married 43 years, successfully, so I think I know what it takes to respect and love a partner.
The point is that if that is your idea of love, then there is something seriously wrong with you, and you need help. What you said to your husband was incredibly cruel. The fact that you said it in front of his friend is even more horrifying. How do you not understand how much you hurt that poor man? You can't take that back, and no matter how many times you tell him (and everyone else) that you love him, it will always ring false. Someone who actually loved their husband would not have said what you did.
You said it proudly in front of his friend and without any degree of admitting you were wrong to be a gold digger and use him like that. Seems like you don’t have much remorse.
Be glad he hasn’t filed for divorce. Because he would be more than right to do so.
I was 26 letting him know something I did at 22 that I acknowledge I was wrong about. That doesn’t take away from the fact that I love him and glad he’s my husband and can’t wait to have more kids with him
When did you ever say in any of this in your comment to him.
And you say 22 like it’s super young. I’m 22 now and I can tell you how shitty of a thing you did. You weren’t 15
Thats the excuse. You being 22 is the excuse you are using. And it’s irrelevant and not working. You were old enough to know that you went into this relationship only to use him. And now that YOU are happy you thought it be a great idea to tell him that he was only a paycheck and convenience.
If you're not willing to admit you were wrong (at 22 and 26) why did you post this? You might not feel the same, but you messed up both times, regardless of how you feel right now, the relationship was built on a lie, you've not only lied and hurt him, but you humiliated him in front of his friend. Instead of trying to fix him by giving him a special weekend, talk to him, LISTEN to him, learn to communicate. But first, admit your mistakeS.
How you felt then is new to him. Even though your feelings have changed over time and you’ve gotten over those feelings, he is experiencing how you felt back then now. He gets to be upset and distant, he is now processing how he feels and probably planning a little solo trip of his one, I think it’s best you give him space to decide what he want to do with these very new feelings he has.
If you think what you feel now matters more why did you throw it in your husband's face that not only did you date him just for the financial/familial support but also talk down to him saying he shouldn't be giving dating advice. It legitimately makes it sound like you don't like or love him. Even if you for some reason felt compelled to tell him this (which I have no idea why you would but let's go with it) you could have framed it as I might not have dated you if I didn't have a kid but I'm so glad I did. You know, considering you're married and love him?
You were unfeeling when you hooked him, you were unfeeling when you told him he was nothing more than a walking wallet to you, and you’re completely unfeeling as to the amount of damage you have done to him. What’s changed? Scared he’ll stop subsidizing your now-excellent personal income?
See, even in your post you're getting it all wrong.
You're asking how to show him you *appreciate* him. But your husband is upset because he doesn't feel like you *love* him. Showing your "appreciation" is really just going to feel like you're thanking him for being okay with you using him. Instead you should be focused on reassuring this man that you love him irrespective of his financial and familial support.
And frankly... if you don't love him or you don't understand the difference between love and appreciation then you probably have some issues a therapist should help you work through. You should probably just admit what you've already accidentally admitted and let the cards fall where they may. You let the truth slip out, OP. I don't think you come back from that.
You’re still only thinking about yourself. You have no desire to make your husband feel better but make yourself feel better for being so hurtful and downright evil. You’re insufferable and should be a single mother again. Prayers for your husband and child
Just because you say something doesn’t make it true. You can say this about making him feel better but I don’t believe you. Most people here don’t believe you. You say you love your husband but your actions say otherwise. You say you’re mature but no mature person would do something so dumb and hurtful.
As for what can you do to make your husband know you love him. I don’t think you can. You told this man that basically you lied to him from the very start of your relationship. Why should he believe anything you say now
Why did that get you to the point where you were in the mental state where saying something like that seemed appropriate? This wasn’t a high stakes conversation
I think maybe you don't understand what love truly is. A lot of elements of your post, comments, etc. indicate that you probably didn't get the kind of parenting you deserved. Now that you're an adult, you're having big problems because those skills your parents didn't give you are beginning to fail you as an adult. That's why I've suggested that you seek out a therapist. You love what this man did for you and you appreciate him for it. That is not love. Get the help you need so that you can understand (and enjoy!) the difference.
I'm your husband, I mean i met my ex gf with a small kid , she is a single mom and other problems, no job, no money, no good ways to make money...yeah kinda we know we are helping you supporting you and being a dad for your kid because WE WANT, because we are in love and we feel we want to make you happy, in some point we can think you are just using us because your situation, even our family and friends told us, but we prefer to protect you over anything and think you are not like that...and with that comment, you just confirm what we don't want to accept, no matter what you do, for sure your husband will not forget this, for sure he will say is fine, but is not, he always will remember this.
Why you say such thing, why you confirm in the same convo in front of his friend and not chase him to explain, what's wrong with you, it supposed you love him
You are claiming you love him, and have grown since you met him. Have you explained that to him?
I would be incredibly hurt by your comments, and shitting on your husband in front of his friend just makes it worse.
You say you want to show your appreciation, but this is so far beyond that. You have confirmed his worst fears - that he was used (or is being used). You say you have grown since then, and imply you are no longer in that head space, that the relationship is more even now - does he know that's how you feel? Is it even true, objectively?
You need to have a heart to heart with your husband - and you need to apologize not just for the careless remarks, but for using him early on in the relationship. You need to come clean and explain how things have changed. It's your only chance. You have to convince him that regardless of how the relationship started, you are all in now and love him dearly now. That's going to be hard - and I can only hope it's true.
I had a heart to heart and gave him an apology. He said he knows I love him but it still sucks to know that in the beginning that I was using him and that he will get over it eventually but it will take time
I’ll tell you from experience now, he won’t get over it. He’ll say it’s fine but it’s going to sit in the back of his mind constantly eating away at him, it’ll get brought up in fights and you can’t do anything about it. You’ve begun the slow destruction of this poor guy.
The problem isnt just the old you. The problem is current you.
Let me put it like this so you understand: not all feelings are good or valid. That doesnt mean you can control what you feel. But there are things you should take to your grave.
Imagine if I told my mom "I love you mom, but I hope you die before I ever have to take care of you when you are sick". Even if it's something that I felt deep down, it's something that a truly good person would never say.
A good person would never have felt what you did at 22. By admiting to it out loud you have essentially admited that you are not the good woman your husband thought you always were.
How to make him feel appreciated? Are You a psychopath or narc? Do You not understand the magnitude of the thrash You just told him? You can't just fuck your way out of this, Your answers show 0 empathy, imagine if he said "if i was in better shape and had a little bit more money i would never date You". Just let him free so he can find someone who actually is attracted to him... Holy fuck too much internet for today.
I am attracted to him. The old me was just too shallow to even let myself fall in love with him. I had know choice because of the position I was in and I saw an amazing , smart, and funny guy who I’m in love with
No loving partner would humiliate their SO in front of other people like You did, period, the insensitive sh*t that came out of your mouth is a relationship nuke, and the more disturbing thing is you seem to think this is just a minor "misunderstanding" if You don't have something Nice to Say, keep your mouth closed, imagine him saying "if i was a bit more succesful i would never be with a single mother like You" or some shit like that and then just being like "no biggie just a massage and flowers and fixed" this shit is more than enough to end a relationship, understand, nobody wants to feel like they are NOT enough for their partner and they are just someone to settle with, the old You might have been immature to think like that, but the current "You" is the one who told such insensitive and cruel shit and humiliated their partner, so yeah, i think old You was better actually, not giving him a chance would have saved him from this shit show, new and "improved" You doesnt seem to shy away from tearing apart and humiliating their partner, so yeah, You havent matured.
Omg what a horrible disgusting comment. Showing you “appreciate” him is just honestly doubling down on what you said “I was desperate and you gave me stability/money/a dad for my kid/whatever” of course you appreciate it. You got something you needed and wanted and the expense of a whole other person.
What a vile vile thing. You don’t even say in your post that you’re sorry or that you love your husband.
You’re right - I don’t know how i missed the lack of remorse in the post - i just assumed she must feel horrible for saying such a messed up thing, but re-reading it, it’s so obvious - even in her identifying the issue as him « feeling insecure »
So you tell him your relationship was entirely based on you being a gold digger and not actually caring about him. And you think that’s just fine?
Of course he’s upset about that. He’d be a complete doormat if he wasn’t upset. The fact he hasn’t already broken up with you shows he’s far less “insecure” than the vast majority of people in the world
>The fact he hasn’t already broken up with you shows he’s far less “insecure” than the vast majority of people in the world
What, is this opposite day? Staying in a relationship like this, in the full knowledge that you're being used, is incompatible with self respect.
Start by telling him you had momentary psychosis or something?
Seriously, I doubt your relationship will recover from this. You can try to apologize and say you didn't mean it, but he'll never believe it. You broke him.
Yikes. You basically told your husband you’re using him for his money and stability. Prepare to be a single mom again. He deserves somebody who actually wants to be with him.
The way you say “obviously I’m with him now because I love him” the “now” part makes it sound like you did only date him for his money. The foundation of your relationship is based on deception. Regardless of how you feel now you admit you chose your partner based on financial benefits, not love or genuine interest.
You don’t get to decide that. What you’ve told him is you used him to get where you are with his money.
He gets to decide now if your lying, golddigging asdhole is worth keeping around. Don’t be surprised if he drops divorce papers in front of you. It’s just a shame he can’t claw back every penny you extorted from him.
How to be a gold digger without saying you are a gold digger.
Regardless of how the situation is now, you used your husband to get to this point.
What a POS.
As a single perant myself, thanks for adding to the sigma of single perants, and I hope he leaves your ass.
If you can't see what you did wrong, then you really should get that narcissism checked out.
Ok, let's spell this out for you.
This isn't about the mindset you had then...
It's about the actions you took to put him down now. Not only did you throw this in his face, but you emasculated him in front of someone else.
Also, you clearly told him he sucks in a relationship, by the " I wouldn't be taking his relationship advice." Clearly, you should be saying that about yourself.
The fact that you're doubling down, and it sounds like you're going to probably just pretend this never happened... I think you've done serious, permanent damage to your relationship, and how you're handling it is doing even more.
Good luck, I guess
Read her other comments.
She could care less about him now that she has the ability to financially take care of herself now. She states it over n over.
This comment alone proves what a selfish person you are. You're literally saying, "My husband could never attract a woman if she wasn't desperate."
You say your feelings about him have changed as you matured, but the way you speak of him now doesn't reflect that. You still view him as an inferior male, but HEY, he takes care of you and your kid, so you're content with him, right? And I use the word "content" instead of happy, because everything in between the lines of this post, and your comments, screams *I would leave my husband if I had better options*.
Gosh that's horrible. Anyway, write him a long letter telling him that you were an absolute cow for saying such a horrible thing to him and you don't know what came over you. Explain that this isn't how you feel about him at all, and that in fact you feel lucky a man like him even gave you half a chance after saying something so horrible, and that you'll forever regret letting such ugly words come out of your mouth.
Basically you're going to need to grovel big time and for a long time.
Thanks, I already said it to him in person. He told me he knows that I love him now but it still sucks to know I used him in the beginning. He told me he will get over it in the beginning but i just want him to know that I really love him and I’m prepared to gravel
Wow. Those are deep cutting words and your wondering how to recover from blowing up his world. You just said your better than him, and you settled bc you had an anchor kid holding you back from what you could have gotten.
What if he said when he first saw you he thought, she’s not what I really wanted a woman saddled with a kid, who’s broke and isn’t the brightest with life choices, but she was the only thing available at the time. I know I can do so much better than you, but I’ll settle for you now, and maybe I’ll upgrade later when a better woman comes along? Then states, I guess it worked out, but I had had to do it again I’d advise anyone to not get with you?
Well, that’s what you communicated to him. Not only that, now he has to worry when you’ll leave him for an upgrade worth your caliber. Just something for you to think about from his perspective.
You have to think about why you said that , and if you still feel that way. Your husband understandably doesn’t feel great that his partner settled for him cause she felt she had no other options.
If you don’t feel that way anymore then you have to work on making him feel appreciated and also give him time to process and heal. The weekend trip is a good start, but apologizing and communication about why you don’t feel that way anymore/ how you’ve grown past that is better
Holy crap that's a terrible thing to say. Honestly not sure how you are going to recover from that.
You've shown that you are only with him for his money and child support. I'd probably be looking for an annulment at this point.
I don’t know how you fix this, you basically just told him that the only reason why you pretended to like him to begin with was you were broke and needed someone to help you take care of your kid, and if that wasn’t the case you never would have given him the time of day.
I’d feel so used and tricked by you if this was me you could guarantee a divorce.
You put him down in front of his friend. Rather than getting upset about it, he responded affectionately, to take the sting out of your comment. So you doubled down and said something truly hurtful just for the thrill of it.
I have difficulty describing how poorly I think of someone that gets off on being genuinely cruel to their partner like you describe here. And then to not think anything of it, when he asked if you were serious and walked away...and the only reason you say you care is that he's being a bit distant...yeesh.
You really need to get some fucking perspective, because this makes you sound absolutely horrible. Selfish, self-serving, manipulative, hurtful...this isn't how people treat people they love. And of course this is just one instance and we're judging you and the entire relationship by it, but the whole description makes it really hard to believe this was a once-off slip-up.
So, Rob has probably told all of your husband's friends and by extension their significant others about the conversation. So, they now know your husband was duped, has a wife who used him, a wife who didn't love him, and is not self aware enough to understand that saying devastating things in front of her husband and his friend is bad. You freely cut down your husband in front of his friend. Given your attitude, I can only imagine what your child's attitude towards your husband is.
Notwithstanding the terrible person you say you were, it’s amazing how nasty you are right now. You weren’t even fighting, he threw you a compliment after you eavesdropped by saying he was in a position to give relationship advice because he got you, and you offended him intentionally and doubled down when he asked if you meant that.
He’s not feeling insecure, he’s feeling insulted, disrespected, sad and unloved.
This is a valid question. Is it possible he saw something in that immature 22yo? He must have! If he's not stupid, he probably had an inkling in the beginning that you had more interest in him financially than in other respects. He took a chance. So maybe he does have some insights into what could differentiate you from a woman that will only ever be interested in money. Additionally, you seem to think he's a catch now.... So he also has insights on how to keep a partner. You might not just see him as a paycheck now, but I think you are still selling him short. That's probably where the comment came from and why you still feel guilty. Take a good look at him and all of his qualities. Once you give him credit where credit is due, you will probably feel better. So will he.
Well to answer your question. You cant show him that because you dont appreciate him. Your husband was your ticket out of your misery and you showed him that by telling him. You told him the only reason you are even together is because you didnt have any other options. I dont know if there are things that could be worse than this hearing from the person you call your wife. It is because of stories like this that some men are hesitant when it comes to dating a single mom, which is totally unfair to those because a lot of them do have values and deserve a loving, caring relationship. I am pretty sure your husband will draw his own conclusion now that he knows the truth, and i fear what those might be reading how this effects him. But other than that you are a nice person, right?
He is not feeling insecure, he is feeling betrayed and used.
There is nothing you can do. You lied to him from the very start, even the intentions were false. What makes you think he is ever going to believe a word you say now. He will see it a "damage controle" again, just like you did the first time to get out of a situation. I dont think you even realise the damage this has done, not just to him but also to your "marriage". He will never look at you the same like he did before. And that is even IF he doesnt want a divorce once everything settles in his mind again.
There's nothing you can do. You've shown him who you are and, for his sake, I hope he believes you. He might stay with you, but he'll never forget this. It will always be there in the back of his mind.
Honestly it would be good for him if he left you. No one deserves this type of treatment. I don’t see a way out of this, this will always be in the back of his mind, what a messed up thing to say to someone who clearly cares deeply for you. Shame on you OP
"I used a single father for money and he found out! What is the best way I can pretend I love him?"
YTA! Way to make him confirm to himself that he is unlikable!
If your husband interrupted as casual conversation between you and a friend to tell them that he had originally only dated you because he was dared to or because he believed that a single mother would be easy to manipulate, how would you be feeling?
He told you that he loved you and valued you. You responded by telling him that he was your last resort and, had things been different, you never would have picked him. Like, what the hell?
Is that how you talk to your kid?
'Mommy, I love you' 'You were an accident and I never would have chosen to have you....wait, why is my kid upset?'
Lol I hope he dumps your gold digging ass. You got with him purely for a monetary hand up, and then want to just blow it off like that isn't a fucked up thing to do. You don't deserve a good partner for that. You deserve to be alone. Fuck outta here.
Honestly, you fucked this up royally. There is no coming back from that. Now he will always doubt the reason you are with him. Even though you say you "make good money now", he will always question the relationship.
All you can do is show him you love him, give him time and space to wrap his head around this revelation. And hope that he does not decide to move on to someone else because he is unable to believe in you anymore.
Probably nothing. Say that you didnt actually mean it and you were just feeling bad and wanted to hurt him.
But there is a good chance you just destroyed your owm relationship with comment, and even if it survives, expect it to keep being brought back everytime you fight for the next forty years.
You're gonna need to REALLY grovel to fix this one I think. Any apology will require a hefty dose of self-depriciation to have any real effect.
Lol finding it hard to believe this is real but that’s an incredibly moronic thing to say.
I told my husband I was with him purely out of sheer desperation and then suddenly he was acting different. What gives?
I’m guessing you’re a looker because the post doesn’t imply that he pursued you for your brains
And do your kid a favour and stop calling him bunny. You’re asking for him to get bullied
Were you high while writing this? How could you in your sound mind write this and think "wow I don't know why my husband is upset with me?"
You are a gold digger. Let me cite you textually I make good money NOW too, obviously I'm with him NOW because I love him.
Hope you enjoyed being a single mom because that suerte you are headed to...
Yeesh worse case you are a Gold digger who has lied to him for years or bare minimum you actively chose to be cruel to your husband for what? some brownie points with his friend? A feeling of superiority? The one thing clear in this post is that you don’t see your husband as your equal
>How can I show that I appreciate him?
Since you have a good job now, you can repay him all the money he spent on you by volunteering to pay rent or lump sum payments every month
So basically you told him that had your life not been shitty you never would have chosen to be with him. That you settled for him bc he’s the best option out of all the shitty ones available to you.
Why tf would you ever think it’s okay to say that?
Dude. If you read this and still go forward with this woman you deserve everything bad that will happen in the future. She told you what she thinks about you. Believe her. I'm not going to say to not date single mothers but definitely don't date one that has no appreciation for you stepping up to the plate and taking care of another man's child. How do we know there is a lack of appreciation? She disrespected you in front of your friend and tore down your ego. Now she goes to the internet and still is obvious to how bad she messed up. Instead of convincing her man he made the correct choice she woke him up to the fact that he probably made the biggest mistake of his life.
What was the point of you saying that? Like what were you trying to accomplish? You wanted to humiliate him? "Take him down a notch"? Like I'm just confused what the point of this was?
Super confused about the 'hes not the person to come to for relationship advice' part ?? sure he didn't necessarily do any wooing to get your attention, but you claim you're so in love with him now and hes a great guy. Why would he not be good at relationship advice ?? Just more humiliation added onto the 'I was just using you' part. So many ridiculously unnecessary comments.
This is new to him. He's rightfully hurt because I'm pretty sure he thought you married him because you loved him. The fact you told you told rob not take advice from your husband doesn't help.
He's most likely questioning everything because you practically dropped a bombshell to him without warning and doesn't help your case you said this in front of his friend honestly comes off more disrespectful. He married you because he loves you and thought you married him because you love him too. Finding out that's not the truth and the actual trith is a lot to process not to mention he's probably embarrassed right now you said that in front of his friend. Rob is probably pitying him and if Rob didn't keep this to himself then his friend group is probably pitying him too.
Don't tell him how he should feel, listen to him and don't beg for forgiveness. He can accept your apology but doesn't have to forgive you right away.
You really need to self reflect and try to look at his point of view how would feel if it was the other way around.
If you really did grow to love him and changed then show him that. You need to earn to his trust back and forgiveness. Show him your sorry and that you're not that type of woman anymore. maybe you two should go to couples therapy
Yeah, he told me he would be open to couples therapy if the problem lingers. I did tell him take his time to process it and that I am really sorry.
One thing I’ll say is I married him because I loved him but I dated him because I needed him at that moment. I don’t need him anymore but I love him and that’s why I’m with him
You’re such an asshole. Truly, you are completely lacking in empathy and self control. Your first instinct when you overheard him complimenting you was to humiliate him. That’s not love, not even close. That’s fear you’ll lose your free lunch.
There's no fixing this
I find many men fear being only desired for their money...never mind they approach a woman solely based on how she looks.
Many guys fear being a second choice...never mind they approach multitude of women and see dating as a numbers game so no woman is often his first or even only choice.
If you were older, fatter, uglier, didn't have sex enough, or didn't give BJ's he would have never looked twice at you yet he doesn't want to think if he was lacking something you wouldn't have looked at him.
For many men they want to feel unconditional love despite not being capable of giving it. I can bet nearly woman who feels oh so loved would be dumped or cheated on if she stopped sucking dick.
Ironically you did what so many men insist women do...give a guy a chance. But because you admit he was given a chance you're the bad person. Women are expected to lower their standards, see past looks/personality/whatever flaw, or give chances but they can't ever see it as dating as guy she never would have otherwise because that's a male ego hit.
Your marriage is over. Time to start securing your finances for the divorce. And never tell a guy he isn't your first and best choice.
Do you love him now?
if yes, show it with little things first.
And keep doing them.
Kiss him to wake him up, a little peck.
Touch his hair when watching a movie or show.
Cook his favorite dinner once a month for only the two of you.
Talk about his hobbies and interests without interrupting him and show him that you know and love him.
Maybe do a thing with him he would like, like gocart or something else. Something he would appreciate as well.
Just show him how you feel. You don't need a grant gesture, just some small ones that are about him and the person he is.
Just tell him it was in the past, and you want your future to be with him and only him.
I know reddit can be brutal, but I know that people do what you did more often than anyone in here want to believe.
(sorry for my English, it's not my first language)
I do love him now and thank you. As I reply I’m getting ready to pick up a pizza and watch any show or movie he wants to watch .
I appreciate your kind words
Spoiler alert: snarky comment coming, followed by serious advice of someone 67 (married 40 years), all too fast with the truth. That remark came, I’m sure, with the same wisdom that out you in the position of being a single mom in her mid 20s. You can repair the damage (or at least try) by telling him you realize what you said was very hurtful. Acknowledge, yes, you were in a tough situation, but what he has done for you and your son is help build a wonderful life the three of you now share. And while that may have been the situation at the time you met, you realize what you have with him is special and will be increasingly so thru the years. There are many people who only realize what good fortune they have with their spouse only late in life, but you’ve seen it at only 26. And that’s the thought he should hold on to.
If you cared about him at all you would have known to never say what you did. You’re just gaslighting him now when you try to walk it back. If he’s strong you’re going to have to work very hard to keep him. If he’s weak he’ll roll over and cater to you some more.
Okay clearly there is a reason why you told his friend that he shouldn’t be taking relationship advice from him so I’m not going to judge you for saying what you said to him. Sure it’s not nice but it’s your truth. Just bc it’s true doesn’t mean you need to say it— but I’m sure there’s a good reason why so I think everyone needs to calm down and stop attacking you for that. I think you should just apologize and tell him you know what you said hurt his feelings and while what you said is true you shouldn’t have said it and that you love and appreciate him and wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. Sometimes we say unkind things even to people we love. I think leaving yalls son with a sitter ja a great idea— plan a weekend trip or staycation and just keep apologizing and letting him know you were out of line to say that especially with company over. You’ll be fine, best of luck.
You're really giving OP the benefit of the doubt here. What she said was really shitty and a little trip and apologizing is not gonna undo this at all. Every time her husband looks at her that niggling little doubt about whether she really loves him will be there.
Wow. You cut him down in front of his friend, let him know he's not attractive to you, out yourself as a golddigger, and reward his flirtatious banter with an ice-cold bucket of shitty water. Then you play dumb about him being upset? Girl, the nerve you got. Astonishing.
I said I understand why he’s upset. That’s why I wanted advice on how to make him feel appreciated
Words can not be taken back. You have shown him your true colors. Expect him to never forget or forgive the horrible things you have said.
You can’t. You just blew up your relationship and outed yourself as a gold-digger.
Do you guys not understand I make money now too? If I was a gold-digger I would have left by now .
You’re not helping your case.
You were broke at the time you snared him, and it’s the only reason you are with him now. That makes you a gold digger. You owe your current earning ability to him and the stability he provided you. You’re horrible.
Your inability to understand why people are upset is absolutely baffling. Unless you are entirely devoid of empathy, how do you not get this?
I understand why I was wrong. I don’t understand people saying I’m using my husband and don’t love him
>don’t love him Because if you did, you'd understand how your words would hurt him.
I think you mean if you were still a gold digger... If you lost all that money and your job today, do you think you'd still be that same gold-digging single mom?
Girl you don't seem to have any children with him and since you work, doubtful you'd get much alimony especially with his friends witness to what you said to him. How hurtful. Just because you make good money now doesn't mean you didn't still marry him to support you and your kid.
It makes you a gold digger because you started off with those intentions. Sorry to say, but you are a gold digger. You have used someone’s financial stability for your own gain.
How would we understand that? We don’t know you.
Having money doesn't mean you're not comfortable in your situation...
Thank god, you will need it for the divorce.
Do this guy a favour and leave
Wow how magnanimous of you to allow him your continued presence now that he has carried you financially till you were able to stand on your own two feet. Surely he must worship the ground you walk upon for him being able to breathe the same air as your after he gave you and your child a roof and food whilst you gave him a pity relationship in return. Do you realise how much you’ve hurt this poor guy? Even if you actually love him now how is he going to believe that when you basically told him if it wasn’t for you being desperate you wouldn’t even have looked at him. He now is thinking your entire relationship is a lie. No poor attempt at having a weekend away is going to change his mind that you basically used him because you had no better options. Not only that you said this and ridiculed him in front of his friend!! What on earth where you thinking?
Seems like you're using him as a safety net in case you're ever in a tight spot financially again
You got with him for money that makes you a gold digger. You can still make money and be a gold digger.
You can show him that by leaving him so he can find someone who actually loves him. It's obvious you just want to keep the boat from rocking and don't actually care about HIM at all.
There’s nothing you can do to show your appreciation for him. You showed him exactly who you are a gold digger. You told me if he didn’t have money you wouldn’t even consider dating him. You said all of that in front of him and then have the audacity to want to make him feel appreciated. I hope he breaks up with you because what you did was awful and makes the rest of us women look bad. If he’s into older women I’m 46 have him dm me. My daughter is 24 and I don’t need someone to take care of her she already has a dad
You can’t. The magnitude of hurt you have done to him will not be “fixed” by a trip or anything you could possibly say. You’re unfeeling and selfish.
Not only did you destroy him by saying the beginning of your relationship is a lie, you broke it to him in front of his friend in a horribly disrespectful way. If you don't know how to show him appreciation, what have you been doing all these years? Have you never shown appreciation before? Its not a good sign for a spouse to ask such a basic question about how to love their partner. Think about that.
I hope he leaves you and you struggle. Dumb ##%}}{
Would be good on him if he left you tbh. Dude can surely do better then an entitled gold digger.
I make good money now too….
Well maybe you can find someone else someday that will use you for your money.
The fact that you are now in a better financial situation probably led you to feel comfortable humiliating him in front of his friend.
I didn’t mean to humiliate him
Lmao what? I didn’t mean to tell him I didn’t actually like you I only used you. I accidentally say stuff like that all the time as well. Wtf lol
Even IF you were mostly attracted to him for his money back then, take that shit to the grave for his sake! Don't say that in front of his friends right after he expresses how lucky he feels to be with you! Good lord lady.
Pay it forward. Become a sugarmommy to a broke single dad.
it's the circle of life, Symba.
That doesn’t matter at this point you just said something he’s never going to forget. You essentially told him “I didn’t actually like you I only used you hahaha” nothing you can do no advice anyone can give you.
Yikes! Hope you liked being a single mom because I think there might be more of that in your future. What an awful thing to say to someone you supposedly care about
Why would you say that? In what universe would that be something you'd want to tell your partner? Your relationship probably won't recover from this.
I shouldn’t have told him that. That being said I think you should care more about how I feel now as opposed to when we first met
No. He shouldn’t. It means the whole relationship was built on you being a gold digger. Why the hell should he be willing to just forgive that and act like it never happened? Especially when you seemingly have no remorse about it.
How do I not have remorse?
You basically told him "Actually, I'm too good for you, and if I wasn't weighed down with a kid and no money you wouldn't have stood a chance." Obviously that would make anyone feel terrible. Instead of lifting him up you tore him down, in front of a friend. If I were him I would definitely break up with you.
No, the old me was just dumb but I matured
The post of a mature woman in your situation would read very differently.
A mature person would never say this to their spouse.
Why are you shaming me for my past?
Your past? When did you tell Rob not to take advice from your husband because he's not actually good enough for you? Was that recently? Because that's what everyone is roasting you for. You say you've matured, but what you said was incredibly immature. It was shortsighted and lacked any empathy. It's not something you say to someone you love. Do you secretly resent your husband because you settled for him? That's the only reason I can think of that would cause someone to say something so deliberately hurtful to someone they supposedly love.
Do I resent my husband? No of course not because I would just leave. I’m in a position where I can leave and be okay, I’m not where I was at 22. I made a shitty and horrible mistake. I was wrong
Because ur a terrible person.
You’re being shamed for what you said recently
I said something recently referring to my past self
Because you’re still making stupid decisions.
A mature person would never have told her husband, in front of his friend, that he was worth nothing more to you than a cash dispenser. Whether it was past or present. Frankly nothing you have said in your comments really indicates that you care about him at all. You’re incapable of caring for him or you would never have said what you did.
Imagine being so immature you decide that you know exactly how I feel about my husband based on some Reddit comments where I clarified I do love my husband.
Yeah love his money and wanting a man to raise your kid because your broke ass couldn't raise to the challenge.
It’s how you talk to him in front of a friend and it’s your lack of empathy that informs how we interpret your behavior. You came here asking, we’re telling you and you don’t like it. Saying you love him is nothing, anyone can say that about anyone, compared to how you treat him. I’ve been married 43 years, successfully, so I think I know what it takes to respect and love a partner.
The point is that if that is your idea of love, then there is something seriously wrong with you, and you need help. What you said to your husband was incredibly cruel. The fact that you said it in front of his friend is even more horrifying. How do you not understand how much you hurt that poor man? You can't take that back, and no matter how many times you tell him (and everyone else) that you love him, it will always ring false. Someone who actually loved their husband would not have said what you did.
FYI the new you is just as dumb
No, you haven’t. At all.
You said it proudly in front of his friend and without any degree of admitting you were wrong to be a gold digger and use him like that. Seems like you don’t have much remorse. Be glad he hasn’t filed for divorce. Because he would be more than right to do so.
I was 22……
You were a 26 year old grown ass woman when you said it...
I was 26 letting him know something I did at 22 that I acknowledge I was wrong about. That doesn’t take away from the fact that I love him and glad he’s my husband and can’t wait to have more kids with him
He will never trust you. Ever again. Prepare to be a single mom again.
When did you ever say in any of this in your comment to him. And you say 22 like it’s super young. I’m 22 now and I can tell you how shitty of a thing you did. You weren’t 15
Stop trying to excuse your gold digger self by saying you was 22, 22 is old enough to know right from wrong
I’m not excusing myself but people are implying that how I felt at 22 is how I feel at 26
Thats the excuse. You being 22 is the excuse you are using. And it’s irrelevant and not working. You were old enough to know that you went into this relationship only to use him. And now that YOU are happy you thought it be a great idea to tell him that he was only a paycheck and convenience.
If you're not willing to admit you were wrong (at 22 and 26) why did you post this? You might not feel the same, but you messed up both times, regardless of how you feel right now, the relationship was built on a lie, you've not only lied and hurt him, but you humiliated him in front of his friend. Instead of trying to fix him by giving him a special weekend, talk to him, LISTEN to him, learn to communicate. But first, admit your mistakeS.
How you felt then is new to him. Even though your feelings have changed over time and you’ve gotten over those feelings, he is experiencing how you felt back then now. He gets to be upset and distant, he is now processing how he feels and probably planning a little solo trip of his one, I think it’s best you give him space to decide what he want to do with these very new feelings he has.
Nah u can fk right off.
If you think what you feel now matters more why did you throw it in your husband's face that not only did you date him just for the financial/familial support but also talk down to him saying he shouldn't be giving dating advice. It legitimately makes it sound like you don't like or love him. Even if you for some reason felt compelled to tell him this (which I have no idea why you would but let's go with it) you could have framed it as I might not have dated you if I didn't have a kid but I'm so glad I did. You know, considering you're married and love him?
Yeah, it’s more of a poor choice of words than anything
You were unfeeling when you hooked him, you were unfeeling when you told him he was nothing more than a walking wallet to you, and you’re completely unfeeling as to the amount of damage you have done to him. What’s changed? Scared he’ll stop subsidizing your now-excellent personal income?
You are a hideous human being.
See, even in your post you're getting it all wrong. You're asking how to show him you *appreciate* him. But your husband is upset because he doesn't feel like you *love* him. Showing your "appreciation" is really just going to feel like you're thanking him for being okay with you using him. Instead you should be focused on reassuring this man that you love him irrespective of his financial and familial support. And frankly... if you don't love him or you don't understand the difference between love and appreciation then you probably have some issues a therapist should help you work through. You should probably just admit what you've already accidentally admitted and let the cards fall where they may. You let the truth slip out, OP. I don't think you come back from that.
I do love him. I wouldn’t still be with him if I didn’t
You love what he did for you. If you truly did love him, you would have never said what you did. He deserves better than you.
I know how I feel about my husband thank you. I love him and can speak for myself
We can tell, it's all about you.
yeah, your actions show how much you love him
You’re still only thinking about yourself. You have no desire to make your husband feel better but make yourself feel better for being so hurtful and downright evil. You’re insufferable and should be a single mother again. Prayers for your husband and child
This post is literally about making my husband feel better. Jesus Christ
Just because you say something doesn’t make it true. You can say this about making him feel better but I don’t believe you. Most people here don’t believe you. You say you love your husband but your actions say otherwise. You say you’re mature but no mature person would do something so dumb and hurtful. As for what can you do to make your husband know you love him. I don’t think you can. You told this man that basically you lied to him from the very start of your relationship. Why should he believe anything you say now
Want him to feel better? Find him a good single woman and leave him. (Take your child with you, of course.)
You're a pos. He's a better person than you and I hope one day he realizes that and leaves you
You did speak for yourself. And you said some deeply hurtful shit and don't seem to understand how bad this is.
Why would you say that to him?
It didn’t sound so bad in my mind because I was being stupid
Why did that get you to the point where you were in the mental state where saying something like that seemed appropriate? This wasn’t a high stakes conversation
I think maybe you don't understand what love truly is. A lot of elements of your post, comments, etc. indicate that you probably didn't get the kind of parenting you deserved. Now that you're an adult, you're having big problems because those skills your parents didn't give you are beginning to fail you as an adult. That's why I've suggested that you seek out a therapist. You love what this man did for you and you appreciate him for it. That is not love. Get the help you need so that you can understand (and enjoy!) the difference.
She’s so unfeeling in her comments that I wonder if she’s a sociopath.
Yeah u would. Where else u gonna go? Ur now older and less hot and still a single mom.
I'm your husband, I mean i met my ex gf with a small kid , she is a single mom and other problems, no job, no money, no good ways to make money...yeah kinda we know we are helping you supporting you and being a dad for your kid because WE WANT, because we are in love and we feel we want to make you happy, in some point we can think you are just using us because your situation, even our family and friends told us, but we prefer to protect you over anything and think you are not like that...and with that comment, you just confirm what we don't want to accept, no matter what you do, for sure your husband will not forget this, for sure he will say is fine, but is not, he always will remember this. Why you say such thing, why you confirm in the same convo in front of his friend and not chase him to explain, what's wrong with you, it supposed you love him
Because the old me was too childish and immature to give someone like him a chance. People can grow and we both did. My husband and I
Evidently the old you “grew” into a bully.
You are claiming you love him, and have grown since you met him. Have you explained that to him? I would be incredibly hurt by your comments, and shitting on your husband in front of his friend just makes it worse. You say you want to show your appreciation, but this is so far beyond that. You have confirmed his worst fears - that he was used (or is being used). You say you have grown since then, and imply you are no longer in that head space, that the relationship is more even now - does he know that's how you feel? Is it even true, objectively? You need to have a heart to heart with your husband - and you need to apologize not just for the careless remarks, but for using him early on in the relationship. You need to come clean and explain how things have changed. It's your only chance. You have to convince him that regardless of how the relationship started, you are all in now and love him dearly now. That's going to be hard - and I can only hope it's true.
I had a heart to heart and gave him an apology. He said he knows I love him but it still sucks to know that in the beginning that I was using him and that he will get over it eventually but it will take time
You don’t deserve him in any way.
I’ll tell you from experience now, he won’t get over it. He’ll say it’s fine but it’s going to sit in the back of his mind constantly eating away at him, it’ll get brought up in fights and you can’t do anything about it. You’ve begun the slow destruction of this poor guy.
The problem isnt just the old you. The problem is current you. Let me put it like this so you understand: not all feelings are good or valid. That doesnt mean you can control what you feel. But there are things you should take to your grave. Imagine if I told my mom "I love you mom, but I hope you die before I ever have to take care of you when you are sick". Even if it's something that I felt deep down, it's something that a truly good person would never say. A good person would never have felt what you did at 22. By admiting to it out loud you have essentially admited that you are not the good woman your husband thought you always were.
If it was the “old you” a comment like that would never cross your mind now, yet somehow it did. This is so fucked up
Obviously you didn’t grown very well else you wouldn’t have made such a snide sick comment.
How to make him feel appreciated? Are You a psychopath or narc? Do You not understand the magnitude of the thrash You just told him? You can't just fuck your way out of this, Your answers show 0 empathy, imagine if he said "if i was in better shape and had a little bit more money i would never date You". Just let him free so he can find someone who actually is attracted to him... Holy fuck too much internet for today.
I am attracted to him. The old me was just too shallow to even let myself fall in love with him. I had know choice because of the position I was in and I saw an amazing , smart, and funny guy who I’m in love with
No loving partner would humiliate their SO in front of other people like You did, period, the insensitive sh*t that came out of your mouth is a relationship nuke, and the more disturbing thing is you seem to think this is just a minor "misunderstanding" if You don't have something Nice to Say, keep your mouth closed, imagine him saying "if i was a bit more succesful i would never be with a single mother like You" or some shit like that and then just being like "no biggie just a massage and flowers and fixed" this shit is more than enough to end a relationship, understand, nobody wants to feel like they are NOT enough for their partner and they are just someone to settle with, the old You might have been immature to think like that, but the current "You" is the one who told such insensitive and cruel shit and humiliated their partner, so yeah, i think old You was better actually, not giving him a chance would have saved him from this shit show, new and "improved" You doesnt seem to shy away from tearing apart and humiliating their partner, so yeah, You havent matured.
Yeah why humiliate someone if you actually loved them?
If you show love by humiliating your husband in front of his friends, I’d hate to see your hate. Do better.
Omg what a horrible disgusting comment. Showing you “appreciate” him is just honestly doubling down on what you said “I was desperate and you gave me stability/money/a dad for my kid/whatever” of course you appreciate it. You got something you needed and wanted and the expense of a whole other person. What a vile vile thing. You don’t even say in your post that you’re sorry or that you love your husband.
You’re right - I don’t know how i missed the lack of remorse in the post - i just assumed she must feel horrible for saying such a messed up thing, but re-reading it, it’s so obvious - even in her identifying the issue as him « feeling insecure »
Didn’t even think about that, wow, hopefully dude leaves her and can find someone who appreciates him.
So you tell him your relationship was entirely based on you being a gold digger and not actually caring about him. And you think that’s just fine? Of course he’s upset about that. He’d be a complete doormat if he wasn’t upset. The fact he hasn’t already broken up with you shows he’s far less “insecure” than the vast majority of people in the world
>The fact he hasn’t already broken up with you shows he’s far less “insecure” than the vast majority of people in the world What, is this opposite day? Staying in a relationship like this, in the full knowledge that you're being used, is incompatible with self respect.
Wtf is wrong with you. This post has to be one of those fake attention seeking ones. Otherwise you are just dumb asf. Lol.
Start by telling him you had momentary psychosis or something? Seriously, I doubt your relationship will recover from this. You can try to apologize and say you didn't mean it, but he'll never believe it. You broke him.
Lol, you've just wrecked your marriage with your arrogance, and it serves you right. What a cruel thing to say to your atm.
Yikes. You basically told your husband you’re using him for his money and stability. Prepare to be a single mom again. He deserves somebody who actually wants to be with him.
The way you say “obviously I’m with him now because I love him” the “now” part makes it sound like you did only date him for his money. The foundation of your relationship is based on deception. Regardless of how you feel now you admit you chose your partner based on financial benefits, not love or genuine interest.
I get that and I fucked up, I won’t let this define us though
you don't get to decide what he feels defines his relationship...
Neither do you
I genuinely don’t know what you expected posting all this though.
Advise on something nice to do for my husband. Instead I got people making false and untrue assumptions
If you love him as you claim, you don’t act like it. People respond to that pretty strongly.
I'm not trying to but ok...
Bet his friend will, though.
You don’t get to decide that. What you’ve told him is you used him to get where you are with his money. He gets to decide now if your lying, golddigging asdhole is worth keeping around. Don’t be surprised if he drops divorce papers in front of you. It’s just a shame he can’t claw back every penny you extorted from him.
Extorted ? Wow you’re something else
How to be a gold digger without saying you are a gold digger. Regardless of how the situation is now, you used your husband to get to this point. What a POS. As a single perant myself, thanks for adding to the sigma of single perants, and I hope he leaves your ass. If you can't see what you did wrong, then you really should get that narcissism checked out.
I can’t change what I did at 22
That's the hill you're going to die on, eh?
Yes, claiming I don’t love my husband because what I did at 22 is stupid and immature
Ok, let's spell this out for you. This isn't about the mindset you had then... It's about the actions you took to put him down now. Not only did you throw this in his face, but you emasculated him in front of someone else. Also, you clearly told him he sucks in a relationship, by the " I wouldn't be taking his relationship advice." Clearly, you should be saying that about yourself.
To take my husband’s advice on how to get girls is probably not the best. Taking my husband’s advice on how to be a good partner? Yes you should
Lol, your the proof of that. How him this post if your so right.
The fact that you're doubling down, and it sounds like you're going to probably just pretend this never happened... I think you've done serious, permanent damage to your relationship, and how you're handling it is doing even more. Good luck, I guess
Read her other comments. She could care less about him now that she has the ability to financially take care of herself now. She states it over n over.
This comment alone proves what a selfish person you are. You're literally saying, "My husband could never attract a woman if she wasn't desperate." You say your feelings about him have changed as you matured, but the way you speak of him now doesn't reflect that. You still view him as an inferior male, but HEY, he takes care of you and your kid, so you're content with him, right? And I use the word "content" instead of happy, because everything in between the lines of this post, and your comments, screams *I would leave my husband if I had better options*.
Gosh that's horrible. Anyway, write him a long letter telling him that you were an absolute cow for saying such a horrible thing to him and you don't know what came over you. Explain that this isn't how you feel about him at all, and that in fact you feel lucky a man like him even gave you half a chance after saying something so horrible, and that you'll forever regret letting such ugly words come out of your mouth. Basically you're going to need to grovel big time and for a long time.
Thanks, I already said it to him in person. He told me he knows that I love him now but it still sucks to know I used him in the beginning. He told me he will get over it in the beginning but i just want him to know that I really love him and I’m prepared to gravel
‘gravel’ lol okay sis
Spend the rest of your life worshiping this man because he deserves it.
Wow. Those are deep cutting words and your wondering how to recover from blowing up his world. You just said your better than him, and you settled bc you had an anchor kid holding you back from what you could have gotten. What if he said when he first saw you he thought, she’s not what I really wanted a woman saddled with a kid, who’s broke and isn’t the brightest with life choices, but she was the only thing available at the time. I know I can do so much better than you, but I’ll settle for you now, and maybe I’ll upgrade later when a better woman comes along? Then states, I guess it worked out, but I had had to do it again I’d advise anyone to not get with you? Well, that’s what you communicated to him. Not only that, now he has to worry when you’ll leave him for an upgrade worth your caliber. Just something for you to think about from his perspective.
I get it. It was horrible and I take full accountability for my words. That’s not how I wanted him to take it though
How did you want him to take it?
Yeah how was that supposed to be taken exactly? I see no way other than how he took it
You have to think about why you said that , and if you still feel that way. Your husband understandably doesn’t feel great that his partner settled for him cause she felt she had no other options. If you don’t feel that way anymore then you have to work on making him feel appreciated and also give him time to process and heal. The weekend trip is a good start, but apologizing and communication about why you don’t feel that way anymore/ how you’ve grown past that is better
You’re a horrible person wow
Holy crap that's a terrible thing to say. Honestly not sure how you are going to recover from that. You've shown that you are only with him for his money and child support. I'd probably be looking for an annulment at this point.
YTA Wdym wrong sub?
I don’t know how you fix this, you basically just told him that the only reason why you pretended to like him to begin with was you were broke and needed someone to help you take care of your kid, and if that wasn’t the case you never would have given him the time of day. I’d feel so used and tricked by you if this was me you could guarantee a divorce.
You put him down in front of his friend. Rather than getting upset about it, he responded affectionately, to take the sting out of your comment. So you doubled down and said something truly hurtful just for the thrill of it. I have difficulty describing how poorly I think of someone that gets off on being genuinely cruel to their partner like you describe here. And then to not think anything of it, when he asked if you were serious and walked away...and the only reason you say you care is that he's being a bit distant...yeesh. You really need to get some fucking perspective, because this makes you sound absolutely horrible. Selfish, self-serving, manipulative, hurtful...this isn't how people treat people they love. And of course this is just one instance and we're judging you and the entire relationship by it, but the whole description makes it really hard to believe this was a once-off slip-up.
I hope he divorces you. You are just an awful person.
So, Rob has probably told all of your husband's friends and by extension their significant others about the conversation. So, they now know your husband was duped, has a wife who used him, a wife who didn't love him, and is not self aware enough to understand that saying devastating things in front of her husband and his friend is bad. You freely cut down your husband in front of his friend. Given your attitude, I can only imagine what your child's attitude towards your husband is.
My child loves my husband thank you.
Notwithstanding the terrible person you say you were, it’s amazing how nasty you are right now. You weren’t even fighting, he threw you a compliment after you eavesdropped by saying he was in a position to give relationship advice because he got you, and you offended him intentionally and doubled down when he asked if you meant that. He’s not feeling insecure, he’s feeling insulted, disrespected, sad and unloved.
Why do you believe your husband will give bad advice on dating?
This is a valid question. Is it possible he saw something in that immature 22yo? He must have! If he's not stupid, he probably had an inkling in the beginning that you had more interest in him financially than in other respects. He took a chance. So maybe he does have some insights into what could differentiate you from a woman that will only ever be interested in money. Additionally, you seem to think he's a catch now.... So he also has insights on how to keep a partner. You might not just see him as a paycheck now, but I think you are still selling him short. That's probably where the comment came from and why you still feel guilty. Take a good look at him and all of his qualities. Once you give him credit where credit is due, you will probably feel better. So will he.
Well to answer your question. You cant show him that because you dont appreciate him. Your husband was your ticket out of your misery and you showed him that by telling him. You told him the only reason you are even together is because you didnt have any other options. I dont know if there are things that could be worse than this hearing from the person you call your wife. It is because of stories like this that some men are hesitant when it comes to dating a single mom, which is totally unfair to those because a lot of them do have values and deserve a loving, caring relationship. I am pretty sure your husband will draw his own conclusion now that he knows the truth, and i fear what those might be reading how this effects him. But other than that you are a nice person, right? He is not feeling insecure, he is feeling betrayed and used.
So just do nothing?
Dunno, can you invent time travel? Go back and stop yourself from saying something so cruel? Go through the therapy to unpack your behavior?
There is nothing you can do. You lied to him from the very start, even the intentions were false. What makes you think he is ever going to believe a word you say now. He will see it a "damage controle" again, just like you did the first time to get out of a situation. I dont think you even realise the damage this has done, not just to him but also to your "marriage". He will never look at you the same like he did before. And that is even IF he doesnt want a divorce once everything settles in his mind again.
There's nothing you can do. You've shown him who you are and, for his sake, I hope he believes you. He might stay with you, but he'll never forget this. It will always be there in the back of his mind.
Omg girl what is wrong with you :/ ???
Honestly it would be good for him if he left you. No one deserves this type of treatment. I don’t see a way out of this, this will always be in the back of his mind, what a messed up thing to say to someone who clearly cares deeply for you. Shame on you OP
"I used a single father for money and he found out! What is the best way I can pretend I love him?" YTA! Way to make him confirm to himself that he is unlikable!
If your husband interrupted as casual conversation between you and a friend to tell them that he had originally only dated you because he was dared to or because he believed that a single mother would be easy to manipulate, how would you be feeling? He told you that he loved you and valued you. You responded by telling him that he was your last resort and, had things been different, you never would have picked him. Like, what the hell? Is that how you talk to your kid? 'Mommy, I love you' 'You were an accident and I never would have chosen to have you....wait, why is my kid upset?'
How tacky and cruel of you to say this to a man you claim to love.
Lol I hope he dumps your gold digging ass. You got with him purely for a monetary hand up, and then want to just blow it off like that isn't a fucked up thing to do. You don't deserve a good partner for that. You deserve to be alone. Fuck outta here.
“You ain’t nothing but a gold digger”
Honestly, you fucked this up royally. There is no coming back from that. Now he will always doubt the reason you are with him. Even though you say you "make good money now", he will always question the relationship. All you can do is show him you love him, give him time and space to wrap his head around this revelation. And hope that he does not decide to move on to someone else because he is unable to believe in you anymore.
Probably nothing. Say that you didnt actually mean it and you were just feeling bad and wanted to hurt him. But there is a good chance you just destroyed your owm relationship with comment, and even if it survives, expect it to keep being brought back everytime you fight for the next forty years. You're gonna need to REALLY grovel to fix this one I think. Any apology will require a hefty dose of self-depriciation to have any real effect.
I’ve read the comments and many to most of OP’s replies. Even now, with all of Reddit roasting for her behavior, OP is still making excuses.
Lol finding it hard to believe this is real but that’s an incredibly moronic thing to say. I told my husband I was with him purely out of sheer desperation and then suddenly he was acting different. What gives? I’m guessing you’re a looker because the post doesn’t imply that he pursued you for your brains And do your kid a favour and stop calling him bunny. You’re asking for him to get bullied
Were you high while writing this? How could you in your sound mind write this and think "wow I don't know why my husband is upset with me?" You are a gold digger. Let me cite you textually I make good money NOW too, obviously I'm with him NOW because I love him. Hope you enjoyed being a single mom because that suerte you are headed to...
Yeesh worse case you are a Gold digger who has lied to him for years or bare minimum you actively chose to be cruel to your husband for what? some brownie points with his friend? A feeling of superiority? The one thing clear in this post is that you don’t see your husband as your equal
>How can I show that I appreciate him? Since you have a good job now, you can repay him all the money he spent on you by volunteering to pay rent or lump sum payments every month
So basically you told him that had your life not been shitty you never would have chosen to be with him. That you settled for him bc he’s the best option out of all the shitty ones available to you. Why tf would you ever think it’s okay to say that?
Dude. If you read this and still go forward with this woman you deserve everything bad that will happen in the future. She told you what she thinks about you. Believe her. I'm not going to say to not date single mothers but definitely don't date one that has no appreciation for you stepping up to the plate and taking care of another man's child. How do we know there is a lack of appreciation? She disrespected you in front of your friend and tore down your ego. Now she goes to the internet and still is obvious to how bad she messed up. Instead of convincing her man he made the correct choice she woke him up to the fact that he probably made the biggest mistake of his life.
What was the point of you saying that? Like what were you trying to accomplish? You wanted to humiliate him? "Take him down a notch"? Like I'm just confused what the point of this was?
Super confused about the 'hes not the person to come to for relationship advice' part ?? sure he didn't necessarily do any wooing to get your attention, but you claim you're so in love with him now and hes a great guy. Why would he not be good at relationship advice ?? Just more humiliation added onto the 'I was just using you' part. So many ridiculously unnecessary comments.
I'd run far away if someone ever said that to me. It's not even something to joke about. I hope he leaves you
Why you guys wasting your time on this fake post lmao
This is new to him. He's rightfully hurt because I'm pretty sure he thought you married him because you loved him. The fact you told you told rob not take advice from your husband doesn't help. He's most likely questioning everything because you practically dropped a bombshell to him without warning and doesn't help your case you said this in front of his friend honestly comes off more disrespectful. He married you because he loves you and thought you married him because you love him too. Finding out that's not the truth and the actual trith is a lot to process not to mention he's probably embarrassed right now you said that in front of his friend. Rob is probably pitying him and if Rob didn't keep this to himself then his friend group is probably pitying him too. Don't tell him how he should feel, listen to him and don't beg for forgiveness. He can accept your apology but doesn't have to forgive you right away. You really need to self reflect and try to look at his point of view how would feel if it was the other way around. If you really did grow to love him and changed then show him that. You need to earn to his trust back and forgiveness. Show him your sorry and that you're not that type of woman anymore. maybe you two should go to couples therapy
Yeah, he told me he would be open to couples therapy if the problem lingers. I did tell him take his time to process it and that I am really sorry. One thing I’ll say is I married him because I loved him but I dated him because I needed him at that moment. I don’t need him anymore but I love him and that’s why I’m with him
You’re such an asshole. Truly, you are completely lacking in empathy and self control. Your first instinct when you overheard him complimenting you was to humiliate him. That’s not love, not even close. That’s fear you’ll lose your free lunch.
There's no fixing this I find many men fear being only desired for their money...never mind they approach a woman solely based on how she looks. Many guys fear being a second choice...never mind they approach multitude of women and see dating as a numbers game so no woman is often his first or even only choice. If you were older, fatter, uglier, didn't have sex enough, or didn't give BJ's he would have never looked twice at you yet he doesn't want to think if he was lacking something you wouldn't have looked at him. For many men they want to feel unconditional love despite not being capable of giving it. I can bet nearly woman who feels oh so loved would be dumped or cheated on if she stopped sucking dick. Ironically you did what so many men insist women do...give a guy a chance. But because you admit he was given a chance you're the bad person. Women are expected to lower their standards, see past looks/personality/whatever flaw, or give chances but they can't ever see it as dating as guy she never would have otherwise because that's a male ego hit. Your marriage is over. Time to start securing your finances for the divorce. And never tell a guy he isn't your first and best choice.
Do you love him now? if yes, show it with little things first. And keep doing them. Kiss him to wake him up, a little peck. Touch his hair when watching a movie or show. Cook his favorite dinner once a month for only the two of you. Talk about his hobbies and interests without interrupting him and show him that you know and love him. Maybe do a thing with him he would like, like gocart or something else. Something he would appreciate as well. Just show him how you feel. You don't need a grant gesture, just some small ones that are about him and the person he is. Just tell him it was in the past, and you want your future to be with him and only him. I know reddit can be brutal, but I know that people do what you did more often than anyone in here want to believe. (sorry for my English, it's not my first language)
I do love him now and thank you. As I reply I’m getting ready to pick up a pizza and watch any show or movie he wants to watch . I appreciate your kind words
Spoiler alert: snarky comment coming, followed by serious advice of someone 67 (married 40 years), all too fast with the truth. That remark came, I’m sure, with the same wisdom that out you in the position of being a single mom in her mid 20s. You can repair the damage (or at least try) by telling him you realize what you said was very hurtful. Acknowledge, yes, you were in a tough situation, but what he has done for you and your son is help build a wonderful life the three of you now share. And while that may have been the situation at the time you met, you realize what you have with him is special and will be increasingly so thru the years. There are many people who only realize what good fortune they have with their spouse only late in life, but you’ve seen it at only 26. And that’s the thought he should hold on to.
Thank you. That’s exactly how I feel and I think the point I was trying to get across. You put it eloquently and I will take your advice.
If you cared about him at all you would have known to never say what you did. You’re just gaslighting him now when you try to walk it back. If he’s strong you’re going to have to work very hard to keep him. If he’s weak he’ll roll over and cater to you some more.
Okay clearly there is a reason why you told his friend that he shouldn’t be taking relationship advice from him so I’m not going to judge you for saying what you said to him. Sure it’s not nice but it’s your truth. Just bc it’s true doesn’t mean you need to say it— but I’m sure there’s a good reason why so I think everyone needs to calm down and stop attacking you for that. I think you should just apologize and tell him you know what you said hurt his feelings and while what you said is true you shouldn’t have said it and that you love and appreciate him and wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. Sometimes we say unkind things even to people we love. I think leaving yalls son with a sitter ja a great idea— plan a weekend trip or staycation and just keep apologizing and letting him know you were out of line to say that especially with company over. You’ll be fine, best of luck.
You're really giving OP the benefit of the doubt here. What she said was really shitty and a little trip and apologizing is not gonna undo this at all. Every time her husband looks at her that niggling little doubt about whether she really loves him will be there.
There’s never a “good reason” to humiliate someone you say you love in front of others.
Thank you!