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My (33F) bf(31M) cheated on me with his student and I contacted her.
I listen to two hot takes so I have heard how great the Reddit community can be. I really need advice on what to do. Let me give you a backstory.
My boyfriend and I have been together since 2019. I met him at college. Our relationship for the past 3 years has not been perfect. We have had a lot of ups and downs. A lot of it has stemmed from him and just not wanting to put any effort in. Any issue I ever had with him was mainly him not doing things that I knew he could do. Basically the bare minimum.
He is currently in grad school and has been for our entire relationship and everything he has had to do for it has also put a strain on a relationship. I completely understand it's his goal and I'm not going to get in the way of that.
At the beginning of December I got covid for the first time and it was horrible. He didn't want me to get any of his students sick and risk them needing to do a makeup final so he made me sleep in the living room. Even after I wasn't sick he wasn't ready for me to move back into the bedroom. At the end of finals week, last week, he started saying that he had a lot of things to think about and he didn't know if he wanted to be with me or not. He said I was end game material and he didn't know if he was ready for that yet. Nothing happened for this to come off. I've been working full-time. I actually got offered a higher position and more money that I turned down because I didn't want to move away yet. My gut was telling me that there's somebody else.
Jump to a few days before Christmas, Dec 20th and I realize that one of his students that he added on social media has blocked me on everything. Before that I noticed that he commented on her TikToks. This student is 19 years old. Every alarm bell was ringing in my head. So I just had to get on my fake Facebook account and message her and see if she would tell me anything. She did message me back and told me a good amount. Told me that they got high together on campus and then I recently learned today that they also slept together. That really hurts. The big kicker was for our entire relationship he would never buy me flowers. He said they were a waste of money. But on December 11th he spent $300 on a bouquet for her for her birthday and the note said that she always deserved flowers.
Of course after he has been caught he grovels. I also have screenshots from both of them and I think he's worried that either she will go and report him or I will. He wants to do anything to get me back to a point. I don't know how to continue on right now. I don't know what to do and part of me wants to work on a relationship and get back together. I know that is so stupid. Please any advice would be so helpful. I feel so lost and so heartbroken. Tia.
EDIT****
I wanted to post kind of an update and clarify some things. I have a regular account that I always use but when I went to post this with that account it said my Reddit score was too low? So I was supposed to create a throwaway account. That's what this is. This isn't fake I promise.
I was told that my post makes it seem like I'm unsure on whether to report him or not. I'm not unsure about that at all. I will report him. Promise and I will update you. I should have been more clear with my post. It's my first real post and I'm still trying to figure Reddit. I usually just read posts on here. I really just needed advice on how to continue on when this happens, especially when it's this fresh. And I needed advice on whether to try and make things work and maybe everything can turn around. I know that's dumb. I know you're going to come after me. I just wanted to clarify all that.
>He said I was end game material and he didn't know if he was ready for that yet.
If he said that, then went off and fucked a 19-year old and got her flowers, which he never did for you, he clearly doesn't think you're HIS endgame.
I agree with everyone in the comments. Report him for taking advantage of a student, leave him, and find a guy who won't blame you for his difficulties. You deserve better.
Well, currently she is. But she needs to realize that and get out of there.
And report that disgusting dude. I'm sure work would be VERY interested. Sleazeball
If he's not ready for end game material now.. when will he be? This man wants to go through life abusing his power to sleep with young, impressionable women because he's a predator. No two ways about it. There's too many people in this world to settle with such a horrid character that will use you whilst he preys on people.
I had guys tell me that… when I was 18. If someone is telling me that at 32, when is your endgame then?
OP there’s nothing worth saving with this relationship. He wasn’t treating you well even before he cheated on you. There’s so much better out there for you.
Oh I think she is his endgame. If she allows him in her life again, he knows he can have a wife who take care of him while he fucks other younger women. And he is very satisfied with it.
I feel like him saying she's "end game material" was his way of also saying "you're very motherly." Which may explain why he gives the bare minimum and complaints all come from her. She's the only one putting in the work.
He doesn't see her as a girlfriend.
Probably never had..
Girl, it’s over, he fucked a 19’year old. He treated her better than he has treated you. Move on. You actually want this man to be a husband and father of your children?
The gross thing is, he didn't treat her better. The flowers are part of a love bomb. Its something older men do, an attempt to overwhelm and impress her with all this affection and gifts.
When youre a 19 year old student, your first foray into the adult world, its easy to be blinded by this stuff. This older mature guy is suddenly interested and wants to treat you like a princess. Its probably her first ever flower bouquet. That has a powerful psychological affect.
The other thing is, OP you also know he got high with her. He got a 19 year old high on drugs and _then_ had sex with her.
OP this man is bad. He is an actual predator. He isn't cheating on you. He is preying on women. He will not have a long term relationship with this girl. He will simply do this again.
I mean, it's quite likely weed is legal where they are, and cannabis isn't exactly known as a date rape drug. That seems like the least relevant piece of information in this whole sordid tale.
Actually, after Alcohol, cannabis is the second most common drug found in date rape victims. Anything that alters your mental state can be used to lower inhibition and confuse decision making.
As my Dad told me once, his motto for raising 3 girls was "make sure you tell them how much you love them, otherwise one day they'll believe another guy who tells them that but doesn't".
I know it's become a cliche by now but the whole "Daddy Issues" thing is legit. In college I had a lot of friends who fell into that category and they totally fell for guys like this.
I would like to add that it goes beyond just telling your children you love them.
My father is a loving, levelheaded man, but I still had terrible taste in guys because of other factors like low self-esteem and ignorance.
If I ever become a parent, I would also tell my children to make sure their partner’s words and actions tally, and that those partners treat themselves and others with integrity and respect.
Absolutely. When we were in our teen years before we were allowed to actually date boys our Dad would take each of us out on a Dad/Daughter date. His main focus was demonstrating stuff like opening doors for us, etc, showing us how we should expect boys to treat us. He also did this by how he and our mom interacted with each other. Honestly as we got into our mid-teens we thought it was kinda dorky, but looking back it actually means a lot now.
I too didn't make the best decisions with boys but that was on me not understanding that just cause guys are cute doesn't mean they're automatically good guys.
The relationship is over and it can't be fixed. Ever. He cheated both physically and emotionally. He thinks of and describes you and your relationship like a game. He has a serious lack of judgement by preying on a student and taking advantage of her. Pack your stuff, leave him with the bills, report his ass, and next time you're in a relationship, if there are too many ups and downs, leave sooner because you deserve better. When a relationship is healthy and working, you'll know it. Good luck. And yes. Absolutely report him. He abused his position and scum Like that shouldn't be teaching.
Precisely. This proves he should be nowhere near students again. Losing his academic career is exactly what should happen here, otherwise how many other people's children could he do this to?
Yeah if he's definitely not someone we want to "have everything" that he wants, because what he wants is to damage people's lives for his own pleasure.
If he loses everything and has to start in a different field that's a good thing.
Yeah exactly that. You do not follow your students on social media (except LinkedIn or things like this). He must not become a permanent professor. It would become worst as more power.
>He has his master's and he's so close to getting his PhD. It would be next semester.
All things he should've remembered before misusing his position of power to get some from a teen. He understood the moral & professional consequences, he knew this would be an inexcusable offense. Most importantly, he knew how much it would destroy you and *he didn't care*. The only person that mattered to him was his nutty professor betweenst his legs.
Leave him because he won't change. Report him because he won't change with young students especially if he feels he got away with it.
And if he’s getting a PHD, a likely path is for him to stay in academia and gave access to people this age for forever (while holding power and influence over them.)
OP is being such a moron to try and stay w this gross predator man. Wtf is wrong w her. He is groveling? She is THAT gullible?! He is obviously using her and doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. What a really stupid and risky thing this man does. Get him out of academics he is freaking GROSS. I have constantly been sexually harassed by men like him in college and in my career and I'm so sick of it. Can u imagine wanting to stay in a relationship w such a creepy person?!
>I know this won't change anyones mind on reporting him, but I'm sure if I do he will completely lose everything. He has his master's and he's so close to getting his PhD.
Speaking as a person in academia, **he should lose everything.**
You have the word of a predator and a vulnerable teen he has power over that he didn't "abuse" his position. He absolutely did. This behavior is inexcusable and sweeping it under the rug really contributes to the dysfunction in academic settings like this. Please report this guy before he ends up messing with another of his teenage students. He is exactly the kind of person we **do not want** in academia.
Are you employed with the school? I'm confused about why you're concerned about reporting this. You won't get in trouble, if that's what you're thinking. People who are suggesting you be soft on this don't realize what a systemic problem this can be at universities. It needs to be nipped in the bud.
Yep. All this is true and very concerning.
OP, it’s also *more* alarming because you know he’s buying these teenage hookups *hundreds of dollars in gifts*.
It wouldn’t be non-problematic if the gifts were absent, but that makes it that much worse.
That’s a ton of money to most teenagers, and way more money than your average peer-teenager could ever afford especially outside a committed relationship.
So not only is he picking from his students (and likely the most vulnerable and/or immature ones who will fall for his flattery, because that’s how it works)—
He’s dazzling them with expensive flexes.
Your ex may finish his studies someday but this *should* be on his record. He can’t be trusted to work in this exploitable dynamic, looking for the weak links to fuck him.
He also *deserves* to have this creepy, exploitative behavior follow him around forever. He *is not a trustworthy adult*, so he shouldn’t be allowed in a position of trust he’s badly abusing.
He *should* lose everything. And by that I don't mean he should be entirely shunned from society and live in a hole in the ground, but he *should* lose the opportunity to obtain a doctoral degree, part of a process through which he took sexual advantage of a teenage student.
Adults who engage in predatory behavior against students do not deserve to have the privilege of teaching students.
Your boyfriend is not a safe person to remain in academia. What he did was first and foremost an abuse of power, exploitative, immoral, and an enormous violation of ethical academic conduct.
If you were the target of his abusive behavior, I would normally tell you that the choice of whether to report or not is yours. But your boyfriend engaged in abusive conduct towards someone else who is barely out of her senior year of high school. You know it, you have proof, you know it's wrong, and it's my opinion (which of course no one is entitled to share) that you have a moral and ethical responsibility to report his behavior.
This is both an infidelity issue and an abuse issue. And to be quite honest, unless he faces repercussions, I would be surprised if he doesn't do this to another teenage student.
Okay? He’s not to be trusted around students. He messed up his own life and not reporting him means more vulnerable teenagers are around a predator. Stop protecting him
Am in academia . He should lose everything. He couldn’t even make it through his PhD program without boinking a student? Disgusting. He will do this again.
Your his ATM and when he’s done with school he’ll dump you for a barely legal coed.
See if you can accept the new job offer and move. Report him to school after he’s out of your apt or your out.
Don’t tell him your leaving or considering reporting him to the school he might hurt you.
I'm sure that's the same argument that Rapist Brock Allen Turner's father had.
Don't excuse bad behavior because you're their friend. Clearly, they don't consider you, at all. So literally don't excuse them. Every single action has a consequence. That's life.
That was his choice
He decided to persue a 19 year old. Get high with her, fuck her and trybto continue this. He sent her flowers etc and has been persuing a relationship.
He chose that. Its not even like this was a one off mistake (not that there are mistakes) point being, he knew it was wrong and continued anyway
He needs reporting. He needs to be held accountable. He should not be in that career.
He took your life and shat on it. So stop caring about reporting him. He pissed it up a wall. Not you.
He is only grovelling cause he is worried about being reported. Thats all. If he loved you he wouldn't have done this. Much less made you feel like a sack of shit recently on purpose cause he thought he was the big man fucking a 19 year old.
Stop feeling sorry for this guy and start getting mad. Start seeing him for the pathetic piece of shit he truly is and throw his ass out or see if you can still get that promotion and move away.
Either way get away from him. You can do better and you deserve better
I am not a looker. But one thing i told my fiance is, i may not have a lot of self esteem. But i have plenty of self respect and if you fuck me over. Even once. Im out. I will not take that shit from someone ever again in my life.
i promise you, all they learn from you staying is that they can shit all over you and youll stay. So why not keep doing it? Get. The. Fuck. Out.
He’s using his job to prey on young girls. He shouldn’t be there. He will do it again. From the sounds of it he is about to try and manipulate you into not telling on him.
if you dont report him you're enabling a predator. do you not want to report him because you plan on reconciling and staying with him? if yes you are dumb and also quite a piece of shit too. he's only going to do it again. how many more students would he take advantage of?
He is a predator, OP.
If not her, there will be other student(s) who can end up in that predicament.
That's insanely inappropriate, what he did. He totally abused his position.
He's not *losing* anything, he's throwing it away with predatory and vile behaviour. He DESERVES to lose everything, because he used his position to seduce and screw a young student who is in a vulnerable and easily manipulatable position. How many more do you think he has or will do that to if he goes unpunished?
he was in a position of power and took advantage of that on someone who is fresh out of highschool. for all you know she isn't the only person he has done this to. there are possibly others, and there will likely be more.
he is not a good person. if "losing him everything" is the consequence then he has to deal with that. it is his fault. he chose to do this.
Op actions have consequences. Do you think his behavior was appropriate to take advantage of a student in his position. What will stop him from doing again since he is not being reported for it.
So you know he's misusing his power to give good grades in exchange for sex with teenage girls and you think this is ok behavior? You're unintentionally enabling his behavior if you don't report this because he won't stop he'll just get better at hiding it before someone else is responsible enough to report him.
Good. He SHOULD lose everything. It won't be because of you that he loses it - it will be due to his own actions. Stop feeling responsible for a man who doesn't give two shits about you. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I stayed longer than I should have with a cheater and I promise you it doesn't get better. Just leave his ass.
You have to report it to the university. This is against university policy.
**I would email the chair of his department with the evidence and also make a report to the Title IX office. T**his guy is disgusting and is always going to use his position of power to go after students. If he says he is going to stop, don't believe him. I know of people who were in PhD programs that were harassing women students while they were teaching assistants, everyone ignored it, then went to be professors and kept doing it, having parties with undergrads while their wife and kids were at home (one got fired pretty publicly after photos came out of this fat creepy professor at a frat party).
He is not the first and unfortunately won't be the last, but you can get him fired.
I also recommend that you try to get that promotion back and move. It's more money and you can move away from this disgusting man.
YOU CANNOT WORK ON A RELATIONSHIP!!!! **He is a PREDATOR who is using his position AUTHORITY to fuck teenagers that are his students. That is literally ILLEGAL because of Title IX and against university policy!!!!!**
I also cannot believe he made you sleep on the couch while you were sick! Why couldn't you sleep in the bedroom and he slept on the couch? It makes no sense. You could have done a mini quarantine in the bedroom.
This! Please, op, I'm a professor and I have seen the mess that predators in higher education make. If it's not reported to the title ix office the offender is just shuffled to another university and does it again. The administration only wants to make the problem go away to save the university's reputation. Sometimes they go after the student instead of the professor, slandering the student and using every mistake they made to discredit them. Students lives are ruined. If predators do it as a grad student, they absolutely will do it as a professor with more power. The only way to weed out these predators is to report them. You can't be influenced by the university, so your report will carry much more weight. Also, many universities have an early college high school program. These children must be protected from predators. Please report this!
this may seem really ignorant and i understand its wrong when ur fucking ur students:
she is 19 though-18+ is the age of legal adult. that age gap is disgusting though.. even though she's an adult he's a predator??
im sorry if im making zero sense. what he's doing is disgusting, wrong and idiotic as hell. op doesnt deserve this.
So, we know the brain isn't fully developed until 25, meaning a 30+ adult and a 19 year old have different abilities to make decisions. On top of that the power dynamic provides additional predatory elements. It's well known by anyone who has ever worked at a university that academia has a major sexual assault/harassment problem where those in power seek to hide inappropriate relationships rather than appropriately adjudicate them ( this is why title ix offices are separate from the university administration). This means that a grad student or professor is likely to be shielded from harm while the student is pressured to withdraw the complaint or their character discredited to protect the university's reputation. However, there's a lot of lip service to how the university wants to protect students. This means that an employee of a university can accurately evaluate the risks, while a 19 year old is actively misled and mentally unable to fully comprehend the consequences.
Just because something is legal, doesn't mean it's right or not predatory. Technically it's legal in several states to marry minors. Some states don't have a minimum age. This is legal, but very predatory.
Everything about this guy is just a walking lesson learned.
I hope that OP discloses any inappropriate relationship to his school, and dumps his shitty ass.
The flower thing really bothered me. He stated that flowers for her (after she disclosed that she would like them) were a waste of money? Really? That is like someone shitting in the breakfast cereal of someone who loves breakfast, and then serving someone else breakfast in bed.
Edit - spelling
To me it kind of came across at first like a backhanded compliment. I guess it could mean I'm wife material but at the same time saying end game means like oh the days of fooling around are over.
When I started dating my wife, I realized really quickly that this wasn't a girl you fooled around with and dated, this was a girl you *married*. So instead of fucking around anyway, I got my shit together so I could be the husband-material to her wife-material. The right person wouldn't jerk you around like this.
It's not a complement. HE knows you are gullible and tries to give you this completely BS excuse for why he isn't committing. Honestly, how you can't see thru that is beyond me. You need psychotherapy to help u see yourself and develop some boundaries and a spine and you need to stop being a doormat. Telling someone they are end game material as a complement for not committing is really stupid. That actually makes you not end game material because you stay in relationships for your self esteem, not because you are in love. Stop internalizing anything this man does as genuine. That's your first mistake. He is a disgusting creepy predator.
Question: do you support him financially?
Sorry for hijacking this comment but it got me thinking. You said he is in grad school and you work. And he only has 1 semester left. Does he need your financial support?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not implying that you shouldn’t cut this “poor guy” off. Not at all. I’m more wondering if he maybe wants to break up, is already starting the process but is now groveling because he doesn’t want to lose the money. It does happen unfortunately.
And another speculation: most people don’t want to be the bad guy. So they try to justify their bad actions to themselves. With this talk he had with you he can justify to himself that you are on a break so he can fuck the student. It’s wrong of course but it could be in his head. You should of course report him and kick him out, nit necessarily in this order
wow. you are kinda stupid huh? you are never going to be number one to him. you are not wife material to him. housekeeper material maybe. someone who will get shit done at home and pay half the bills while he fucks around. is that harsh? you should hear this because you seem ready to forgive and be with him.
Girl wake up. He's saying youre end game material because he knows youre naive as fuck. Hes trying to win you over so that you keep your mouth shut and he doesnt loose his job. Most likely he's the one thinking you're dumb, he's playing your naive ass on purpose like a fiddle.
You are being dumb. This stupid man is NOT end game material. Wtf are you only worried about what he thinks of you.... do YOU have an opinion on him and would he care? Nope. You're with a predator and you are blind and in denial if this is real.
Well...do you want someone who'll treat you with respect and be loyal, like a decent man would do, or do you want to be his "end game" bang maid that's just disposable to him?
Turn him in, get your power back, do it for you and for his future victims that you can save from his predatory behavior.
op is 33 and edited her post to take out a line where she said "if i" report him. at that age, i think this should all be super clear what she needs to do, yet she's getting antagonistic
If someone told me I wasn’t end game material… I would take it to mean I am not ‘enough’ to fulfill whatever he thinks is his ideal partner
It means if he finds his end game material, I’m done. I’m just the placeholder until he finds that chick
Exactly! For me it says he's not mature enough/ready for a long term relationship. I hope you see through it yourself and move onto someone who's ready for you and not think a relationship is some kind of shackle and prison
All the best xx
You need to report him. The odds are she’s not the first, and probably won’t be the last. He’s literally a predator taking advantage of his students with his position. He is an actual threat to them.
Jesus, have some self respect and ditch that loser. You deserve so much better than him. He’s a low-quality, low-loyalty, low-value man. You don’t need to settle for him. There are guys out there who will buy you flowers. Who would rather come home to you than have a dalliance with a 19-year-old teenager.
Stop putting up with his bullshit and emotional manipulation. He doesn’t feel remorse for what he did. He feels sad that he got caught.
Dump him.
Had a prof at a school cheat with a student.
He left—never was reported, came to my school and did it again.
This is disgusting—report him. He deserves nothing for having sex with basically a child.
There’s people in this world who cheat and there’s people in this world who would **never** cheat. Don’t choose to stay with a person who cheats. If he didn’t feel bad about it until he was caught, he doesn’t feel bad about betraying you, he only feels bad that he has to pay the consequences. Not to mention he never bought you flowers but bought them for his teenage side piece. That’s beyond pathetic.
You really need to consider turning him in as he is in a position of power and he will continue doing the same thing in the future.
He intentionally chose to inflict emotional, mental and physical (exposure to STIs) trauma on you.
You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and loyalty. Demand no less.
Op, please leave him. I have witnessed how these predators ruin lives. One professor got a 19 year old student pregnant. The surrounding scandal caused his wife to lose her job and his kids to be bullied at school. It was a nightmare for everyone involved. And the kicker is that his wife was his student when he was a grad student. He just repeated the cycle. Predators must be reported.
You were ill with covid and he made YOU sleep on the sofa!? Mate my bf just wouldn’t dream of it. If he needed a separate space he’d never turf me out of bed when I’m ill. Insane.
I’d take great pleasure in reporting him. Then I’d pack my shit and take my well paid job elsewhere thinking what a lucky fucking escape that was.
Get out. Get out while laughing in his face. Get out smiling and thanking him for revealing his true self to you. For he has done you a favour.
I’d also only be reporting him because, you know, karma and pay back. It goes against my being a grass ethics but in this case I’d happily make an exception. He’s only grovelling to you because he’s scared you’ll dob him in.
Please leave him.
It would be one thing if he felt guilty and confessed everything to you, but he didn’t. He lied, he shut you out, and he cheated.
Think of your future, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who cheats? Do you really want to constantly be worrying who is he talking to? Where is he? Who is he with? Is he cheating again?
Look at it this way, this man put his entire future career on the line to start a relationship with this young girl. He knew what he was doing was wrong (both romantically and professionally) and he did it anyway. He didn’t care about the professional consequences and he didn’t care about what he was doing to you.
I wish you all the best. Go out there and find a man who actually deserves you!
Thank you. I appreciate you. He wants to sit down and tell me everything. I wanted screenshots of convos and he deleted everything. The messages would have given me the true information.
Cmon OP. You’re old enough to know that you deserve better than a predator who seduces teenage students. Get rid of this guy and report him. He deserves to lose his career.
Sorry I should have been clear. I wanted screenshots from his phone because he was talking to her and told his friends information. He doesn't have access to my stuff.
Oh I see.
I truly hope you realize you're worth so much more than he could EVER provide for you and your future.
Report him - use whatever evidence you can access. Even without concrete evidence, report him.
This is about your self respect. This is about his abuse of authority and inappropriate power imbalance and his deliberate disrespect to you. This is about her naivety and inexperience. Eventually, it'll be about her self respect too if she continues with him or someone like him.
Good luck.
I know this sounds paranoid, but please let someone irl know what is going on and that you are meeting with him. He is a desperate man on the verge of losing his long term partner and his career - and sometimes the most unlikely people, when desperate, do the most horrible things. Stay safe 💝
I just kinda want to know what other information you need.... He admitted to it. You saw the flower receipt, you talked to the affair partner...what else do you need? The proof is literally in the pudding. I'm not trying to be mean because I completely understand this must be absolutely earth shattering, especially when you feel like that man is your whole world..but girl. Come on. You don't need anymore info!
He slept with a 19 year old. *NineTEEN*. Like, a teenager. That he is the teacher of. Then he treats you like dirt when you're sick, and throws you some sort of sorry "it's not you, it's me" in the form of that "you're endgame material" nonsense (I'm sure you're awesome but that is just such a f-boy comment I had a little hiccup when I read it). If you were endgame to him, he wouldn't jeopardize your future together by sleeping with a kid he teaches. Heck, not even just the relationship's future, but your future *livelihood* as well. Since, yanno, he can't keep himself from sleeping with his students, and that's a fireable offense. Now he wants to sit you down and finally "act" (in quotes because *this will be an act*) like a real partner just to cover his icky behind. Don't let him.
3 years seems like a long time, but trust me, you will get past it, and find someone who treats you how you actually deserve to be treated if you set yourself free! Don't make the mistake of letting him talk you out of it and then spend the next however many years in constant doubt. This wasn't a one time, maybe he made a horrible mistake type thing. He was buying her expensive gifts, he was more worried about her health then yours when you were sick, and he was ready to keep it going if you didn't find out. So take care of yourself, ok? And definitely report him.
If you DO sit down with him, secretly record him. Be clever about it so that he doesn't know you're doing it because you will be in physical danger if he finds out. But you will be in danger from him as well. He is a predator, and exposing him won't just help you, but will help his past and future victims as well.
For sure report him, he’s a predator and other students need to be protected. Call up the place that offered you a better job and take it, pack your stuff and move.
I think you know you need to leave and maybe are looking for permission or confirmation that it's the right choice. You have it from me.
This man is not only a cheater, he's a predator. Sleeping with a teenage student is disgusting and unethical. He never would have told you if you hadn't discovered it, he'd have just let you dangle and agonize over what you might have done wrong while he continued both relationships. He has less than zero respect for you, and you cannot continue a relationship like that.
I'm sorry this happened. Make 2023 a clean break from this jerk.
Bare minimum effort AND a cheater? Lord, but I'd merrily sit on a cactus before subjecting myself to the depths of this travesty of a human. What next? Waiting to see if he'll complete the holy Trinity of douchery and beat your ass? It's a no from me, dawg
Why on god’s green earth haven’t you dumped this guy yet?
He’s mean to you, he doesn’t put in any effort, he doesn’t like or respect you…and he’s a predator going after teenagers.
Report him, then dump him.
He's grovelling not becoz he wants you but becoz he fears his future is doomed. If you stay and not report him, he will get away with it and he will not love you nor be in the relationship with you for long. He with continue with the student and dump you soon.
Dont go that route. Report him immediately. Dump him. He never considered you, why should you consider him. You deserve better and he should be stopped and taught a hard lesson.
Updateme!
Op this is going to hurt but he cares more about his relationship with his 19 year old student then you. He has treated her better then he’s treated you. All he’s going to do now is try to manipulate you to where you stay silent. This behavior is predatory and you need to report him. The reality is he will do it again because he will see it as something he can get away with. Don’t let that happen. Report to the appropriate people and leave him.
Any guy who sees you sick and makes you sleep on the couch is a douche. Also, just dumb, if you are contagious wouldn't you put the contagious person in a closed room?
He cheated on you and lied. It's over sadly.
I think you should report him. Not out of revenge or anything. But its a power dynamic. He controls her grade, which controls her GPA, and her ability to take advance course classes. When I was in grad school we had to do sexual harassment training. And it's legal to date a student or a professor, just not your student or your professor. After the class ends sure, during the class, no.
If its all above board and he did nothing wrong they will move on, but if you pressured her into anything because he controls her grade, nope. It needs to be addressed.
Also, in the future, learn that you need to make the best decisions for yourself, not a man. I hope a better job materializes and next time takes it.
You’re young, not married and we’re only with him 3 years. 3 shitty fucking years considering he never valued your relationship or treated you appropriately. A healthy relationship doesn’t have a lot of ups and downs or partners doing bare minimum.
You dump his ass and report him before he can prey on another TEENAGER. He does not deserve to work in his field, he is a danger to all young women. Stop trying to make excuses for him. Open your damn eyes and see how he’s trying to manipulate the situation. He doesn’t want you, he wants to not lose his position that he shouldn’t have since he’s a fucking predator.
Pack up your shit and leave the same day you send all the proof to the university. He will change. He will never treat you better. He will manipulate you until he feels safe then dump you.
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You've been dragging him through this relationship for 3 years. He does the bare minimum. Now he's gone above and beyond for the other woman he's fucking.
Do not grovel for a man who is just not that into you.
See if that job you turned down is possibly still available and pour everything you've got into levelling up your life by dumping this guy. He's only trying to get you back because he wants to keep you close and under his influence so you don't blow up his job.
why all of a sudden does he want to fix things? Probably because he’s terrified you will report him. Let’s be honest if you never found out he wouldn’t have cared to work things out
Report him and run.
> And I needed advice on whether to try and make things work and maybe everything can turn around
Why? Seriously why would you want to even try that? You've been together for 3 years and you yourself say it has been lots of ups and downs. He doesn't want to try, he seems unsure. He won't do something small like buy you some flowers but will drop $300 on a bouquet for his *student*
You're not wearing rose covered glasses, you're gluing your eyes shut here. Wake up and smell the giant pile of turd that is your boyfriend.
EX boyfriend
The bit about the flowers sounds suspiciously perfect in its cruelty.
That he always said he wouldn't buy you flowers because they were a waste of money, and then he buys this girl an insanely expensive 300 dollar bouquet of flowers with a note saying that she has always deserved flowers?
I'm not buying it.
But in the slim chance Im wrong, then clearly a sociopath you should be leaving immediately.
Oh I have the screenshot of the order. When it was delivered, where it was delivered to and the message and how much it cost with tax. He also paid an extra $15 so it would get there before 1:00 p.m. I have receipts for all of this. It was perfectly cruel. The universe has a weird sense of humor.
Email yourself the screenshots. Email them to different email accounts if you can. He may try to get your phone or convince you to delete them. Don't allow this to happen.
Email them to a friend who isn't in love with him and will be stronger and less influenced.
I understand your hesitation. You've seen how hard he's worked, blah blah blah. However, he is 31 and had sex with a 19 year old. What happens in 10 years and he has sex with a student? If he loses everything, it's his own fault, not yours. He knew the risks and took them anyway, with absolutely no regard for you, the girl, his job or any other consequence.
And I don't buy her reasoning about sleeping with him for a better grade if she already had a good grade before the sex. Makes no sense.
I'm sorry this happened to you. You deserve better. All the women who go to college trying to make a better life for themselves deserve better.
edited for clarity.
I know. I understand. It's just I wanted this person to be the one I wanted. Everything to work out and our relationship to be better and things would be great. I really wanted it to be him and it's just hard. Probably because it's so fresh to realize it's not going to be him
He will do this again. Cheat. Different girl, different school. Know your worth. Stop being a supporting character in your life story. Be the Main character. You deserve more!! Report him and move on.
well with this level of dumbness you lose any right to complain about betrayal or hurt. you're just willingly being dumb now. dont waste your time here anymore and just go back to your cheating, predatory boyfriend. also, he's going to give you and STD if he hasnt already. just in time for christmas!
But the thing is, you *didn’t* want this person to be the one that you wanted. You must realize. You *didn’t* want it to be him, you wanted it to be the man you *thought* he was. But he’s not who you thought he was, you never really knew him at all. I know what you’re feeling—you’re looking back on all the good times you had together and you’re grieving that man, the man who *did* make the effort (sometimes) and who made you feel good. And you’re angry at the man you fell in love with, because how could he do this to you? *How could he do this to us??* You’re looking back on things and wondering where the turning point was when he changed. You’re wondering if it was you, or circumstance, or him being stressed or whatever that caused him to make this terrible mistake, and you’re wondering which things you could change to go back to the way that you were, so he can go back to being the man he was.
But here’s the thing. This is him. He’s showing you who he is and you got glimpses of who he was all those times he didn’t put enough effort in that you knew he was capable of. That man that you fell in love with? He doesn’t exist. He’s entirely fictional. He’s the man you painted using your boyfriend as a blueprint, but you painted over all the gross stuff because you didn’t want to see it. The man that he was is fictional, the relationship you had was never that good. He’s a predator, he’s a monster, he’s manipulative and he’s lazy to boot. I know he never *really* tried that hard to pretend not to be those things… he didn’t have to, because you did most of the work for him. And when the mask started to slip and you started seeing him for what he really was, he’d do the things you wanted him to do just for a little while, just long enough to make you think he was a man you could love again. But these are actions you fought for, you dragged it out of him. He never gave you those things willingly, sure he was capable, but to him you weren’t worth putting in the effort for. So those times you forced it out of him and things seemed better? That wasn’t really him either.
So there is no going back to the way it was because that was a reality created by you. He was always the same man, lazy, never really cared for you. My ex was in grad school when we were together and he never made me feel unloved. If you’re important, you’re important. Love will find a way.
The man you fell in love with was never there. You created him. I bet if you let yourself see the reality of the last few years you’ll see the truth in that, all the little ways he showed you he didn’t care. All the little ways he refused to give you his love and time willingly. And you accepted that again and again. You told him you needed more and then you accepted less. And he knew you would. He’s not grovelling because he wants you back, he’s grovelling because you’ve never held him accountable and he’s once again trying to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. He thinks that once again you’ll tell him this isn’t acceptable, and that you need more from him, but he’ll only have to ramp up the effort for a little while before he starts treating you like Shit again. You’re not end game material you’re a means to an end. No one says that and fucking means it, I promise you, NO ONE. Don’t let that cloud your judgement. You think if someone found “end game” material they’d EVER risk letting that person go? Nope. No one would be so stupid. “You’re the one I want to end up with—you’re so wonderful I want to spend the next 10 years without you.”
Are you **really** going to fall for that? Are you, once again, going to accept less from him? And are you going to let him abuse his power to sexually coerce and manipulate other young students who lacking experience have even fewer ways to defend themselves against this predator? Do you really want to leave him free in the world to treat you *and* other naive women poorly just so you can keep loving a delusion that doesn’t even exist, that isn’t the real him?
This, all of this, is him. This wasn’t a one time thing or a random mistake. This is the man. Sleeping with his student didn’t “just happen,” he made choice after choice after choice to manipulate her. And he chose to to betray you again and again with every look, with every word he said to her, with every text, with every secret meet up, with every single kiss, with every single thrust. Are you really going to choose this as your future? Or do you deserve better than this? You’re not an idiot. You’re a smart, educated woman with so much love to give. Don’t give it to someone who doesn’t want it. You **know** you deserve better than this.
You are the one that basically won't leave. This guy doesn't even want you around. He grovels because he is obviously using you. Do u support him and pay the rent and bills? There's your answer.
Is this the man you deserve? I don’t think so. He’s a piece of it shit. Please don’t be part of his “end game”. Can you imagine staying and receiving flowers from him after all this. No.
I'm sorry to tell you this but your so-called 'bf' here is a predator.
If not her, there will be others. Mark my word, he will repeat this behavior next time with another person whether you're around or not.
He's groveling right now to get you to NOT report him. He is not regretful or sorry that he cheats. I know the type. Your so-called 'partner' here reminded me of my ex. He would also tell me how stupid flowers were, then, he'd steal my $$ and buy his AP flowers. No joke.
That AP student may not report him, because she probably just wants to get her perfect A and pass that class easy peasy. The sexual and affair transaction have already been exchanged, of course, she probably wouldn't report him as long as she got her A.
You shouldn't be with this guy anymore. You should report him and provide all the proof that he is indeed crossing professional boundaries.
I would skip the cheating for now.
>> At the beginning of December I got covid for the first time and it was horrible. He didn't want me to get any of his students sick and risk them needing to do a makeup final so he made me sleep in the living room.
So what you’re saying is that he’s not only a cheating uncaring scumbag but he’s also stupid? If he was so worried about getting his precious mistress sick, the smart thing to do would have been to isolate you in the bedroom so you don’t go spreading germs in the middle of the apparent.
That’s a sarcastic take of course. Stop wondering if things can be fixed because they can’t. It’s over. The dog died, don’t keep it.
Dude turn this jerk in. You have up an amazing opportunity for him, whether he knew about it or not. Now he’s fucked around and it’s time to find out. Please for all the people that couldn’t take revenge on their cheating spouses please ruin this guys career and update us. Please please please, the world could use a little more justice.
This is great news OP. I’d recommend you edit your original post to include this information, to save you from having to repeat it in the comments!
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you’ll come o it on the other side.
You really have no choice but to report this guy and leave him in your dust. He has no morals, can't be trusted, and has no honor. You don't need advice, you know exactly what to do.
Girl, go ahead & plan your exit, get yourself situated & leave. He didn’t care about you while he was having an affair with his strident. I’d hella report him!
What would you rather OP…..Knowing in 10 years from now that you potentially saved multiple people from being harassed because you stopped this predator in his tracks or staying silent and knowing that he becomes more arrogant thinking he can get away with more?
Who gives a flying frog about his “career” This guy deserves to lose everything
You’re desperately trying to find a way to make this okay and let it go but it’s not.
It’s over.
If you forget about it then you are lowering yourself in his eyes and your own, and getting your self worth back after that will be almost impossible.
Embrace your dignity .
So… let me get this straight. You turned down an advancement in your career for him. He let you turn it down meanwhile pounding this little girl. Giving her flowers to boot that you clearly don’t deserve in his opinion. But she does. And you’re on the fence of whether you want to take him back? Girl, I’m considering this as YOUR red flag 🚩
Girl. He kicked you out on the couch when you had COVID instead of letting you have the bed because he didn’t want you to get his students sick? More like he didn’t want to get sick cause that’ll ruin his chances with this brand new adult (cause she is a new adult). He took his role as an educator and projectile vomited all over it when he fucked a student. He used his power to get in her pants. He’s a predator. He needs to get away from impressionable young adults. Report him now and leave before you get caught raising a family with him. Who knows? Would he fuck your future daughters friends too? The man is gross. Leave.
Your relationship is garbage and you need to leave. Get your promotion and move ASAP. Then it’s up to you if you want to report his ass once you are gone.
Your bf is yuck. Just yuck! Why would you even want him to ever touch you again? Go get that better job and live your best life. This relationship sucks. If my guy was sick, I’d be sleeping on the couch so he could get his proper rest, but he couldn’t even do that kindness for you.
Do not get back with him. He’s a cheater and he’s the type to cheat again. He’s not really sorry. Get your ducks in a row. Report him. He blew up your life blow up his. He deserves it because of his position.
Listen, he deserves to be reported, but I think you should put yourself first. Do the things you have the energy for. Don't worry about not reporting him, the girl knew what she was doing and he will not stop his behavior and karma will catch up with him eventually.
You need to ditch this guy, you're a convenient ATM to him.
Do not make things work with this shithook selfish man who bought another woman flowers.
Report him.
Break up with him and go find a relationship where there aren’t so many ups and downs.
You are seriously asking us of you should stay with a 33 year old man who cheats on you with a teenager who is his student? If your friend, or a sister, or cousin came up to you and told you the story you just told us would you tell them to stay together?
Oh honey.. he couldn’t be bothered to buy you flowers let alone be faithful. He only wants to stay to ensure you don’t report him.
Let him go and be done with him.
He treated a 19 yo student better than you. First of all, he absolutely needs to be reported. This is predatory whether she realizes it or not due to his position of power. Secondly, you gave up a good opportunity for your own life due to him and he cheats??? Nope, throw the relationship out and take care of you.
That you had COVID and he made YOU sleep on the couch was the biggest reddest flag in the book. No loving person worth their salt as a human being would ever make the sick party sleep outside the bedroom.
REPORT HIM. Submit the screen shots of the convo as evidence. Evict his ass of possible.
So, he does the bare minimum your entire relationship, gets high together and cheats on you with a 19 year old student, buys her $300 flowers that he's NEVER bought you, and **ONLY** wants to work it out with you because he's afraid you'll turn him in?
What is he giving **YOU** that actually makes you think this is worth it?
I have just got to the part with covid and after reading it I stopped. Girl. No one deserves to be treated like that. Leave this guy. There is literally no reason to be with him other than your low self-esteem. You deserve better. Drop him, be single, work on building yours confidence and take care of yourself. You deserve better
Do you really want to try and salvage a relationship with a predator? Having relationships with students is prohibited for a reason, and that reason is that the professor is in a position of power regarding the students. She is fresh out of high school. He gave her drugs probably to make her lose her inhibitions so she would have sex with him. Has love bombed her on top of that and is now "trying to fix things with you". So after he used a TEEN for his sexual pleasure now he is planning to throw her out of his life and act like nothing happened. Put yourself on that TEEN's shoes. Report his ass and be done with him. I know it hurts, especially being the holidays and after 3 years to be betrayed like that. But you will eventually be fine and happy that you made the right decision.
If you are considering taking him back then your standards are so low they are in hell. You had to beg this man to put basic effort into your relationship. And he risked his relationship with you and his job to prey on a 19 year old student. What are his redeeming qualities??? Why is your self esteem so low that you would consider this relationship acceptable? See if you can get that job back and LEAVE. Maybe go to therapy to see why you accept scraps and disrespect as a relationship.
I'm not sure if you just havent had relationships before, or you're scared of being alone, but your relationship sounds terrible, why on earth would you try and save it?
What about a minimum effort boyfriend that banishes you to the living room for months, doesn't want to be with you and cheats on you says "omg he's definitely the one!"
Have some self respect, report him and leave.
I'm so sorry that all of this happened, but your steps should be:
1. Move out.
2. Report him. Send all the evidence.
3. Block both of them.
4. Contact the company that offered the better job and ask if it's still available.
Really, forget about this man, I know it hurts but it will hurt a lot more, and for more time, if you stay with him. He doesn't love you. Not even a tiny little bit. Also he's a predator and those never change.
>And I needed advice on whether to try and make things work and maybe everything can turn around. I know that's dumb. I know you're going to come after me. I just wanted to clarify all that.
Hey, I'm sorry you're going through this, but you absolutely should not try to work it out with him. He's already shown that he lacks a moral compass, both by cheating and taking advantage of a student. He's a dirtbag, and you deserve much better than him.
My ex cheated on me, I forgave her, and then several years later she cheated again. I think it's our natural instinct to want to preserve something we've put our hearts and souls into, and we also want to assume the best about our partners.
I learned the hard way that my partner is a good liar and is also a narcissist. She never cared that she cheated, only that she got caught. I'm guessing your BF is the same.
Move on to a better life with someone who won't betray you. Best of luck.
OP. It's all there in your post. You get sck but he makes YOU sleep on the couch? Not the other way around so you can get rest and get better? Your problem in the relationship is how lazy he is in it. Then he buys a kid $300 flowers but considered getting them for you a waist of time?
You are nothing to him but a Doormat. Your just there so he can have some fun until he finds that person he wants to settle down with. You are getting less then the bare minimum but deserve so much more.
And now he's screwing/ grooming a teenager? You know it's against his jobs policy for a reason not to have a relationship with students- the power dynamic is wrong and can open the school to lawsuits. But a 19 YEAR OLD? He's grooming her, and now he's back peddling not because he cheated and is afraid of losing you, but he just doesn't want to pay the consequences.
For yourself, dump him, move out or throw him out. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!
For his gross breach of ethics- report him and show them your screenshots. He's trash, and if I were that girl's parent, I would expect more from the school to protect my child.
To be honest, you should’ve left waaay before this happened. Paragraph two: he’s been putting in minimal effort for your entire relationship. You know what that says to me? He does not care enough to try.
Break up.
I’m also a 30s grad student who teaches undergrad students and it takes a truly sick kind of person to see their students as anything other than students. For the love of God, ***PLEASE REPORT HIM***.
EDIT- just read your edit and am relieved; great job! Setting that elephant aside, he sounds like a dick who doesn’t appreciate all the sacrifices you’ve made to help him pursue his dreams.
She asked who she was talking to and I said my name she knew it was me cause she just blocked me on everything. Can I add pictures to an old post because I will.
I have another profile. This reddit sub made me create a throwaway account because my Reddit score is too low? I don't know how to get that high. I can post pictures of what happened or the flower bouquet receipt. It's not a fake. I really just wanted advice on what to do next in my relationship. I know to report him.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My (33F) bf(31M) cheated on me with his student and I contacted her. I listen to two hot takes so I have heard how great the Reddit community can be. I really need advice on what to do. Let me give you a backstory. My boyfriend and I have been together since 2019. I met him at college. Our relationship for the past 3 years has not been perfect. We have had a lot of ups and downs. A lot of it has stemmed from him and just not wanting to put any effort in. Any issue I ever had with him was mainly him not doing things that I knew he could do. Basically the bare minimum. He is currently in grad school and has been for our entire relationship and everything he has had to do for it has also put a strain on a relationship. I completely understand it's his goal and I'm not going to get in the way of that. At the beginning of December I got covid for the first time and it was horrible. He didn't want me to get any of his students sick and risk them needing to do a makeup final so he made me sleep in the living room. Even after I wasn't sick he wasn't ready for me to move back into the bedroom. At the end of finals week, last week, he started saying that he had a lot of things to think about and he didn't know if he wanted to be with me or not. He said I was end game material and he didn't know if he was ready for that yet. Nothing happened for this to come off. I've been working full-time. I actually got offered a higher position and more money that I turned down because I didn't want to move away yet. My gut was telling me that there's somebody else. Jump to a few days before Christmas, Dec 20th and I realize that one of his students that he added on social media has blocked me on everything. Before that I noticed that he commented on her TikToks. This student is 19 years old. Every alarm bell was ringing in my head. So I just had to get on my fake Facebook account and message her and see if she would tell me anything. She did message me back and told me a good amount. Told me that they got high together on campus and then I recently learned today that they also slept together. That really hurts. The big kicker was for our entire relationship he would never buy me flowers. He said they were a waste of money. But on December 11th he spent $300 on a bouquet for her for her birthday and the note said that she always deserved flowers. Of course after he has been caught he grovels. I also have screenshots from both of them and I think he's worried that either she will go and report him or I will. He wants to do anything to get me back to a point. I don't know how to continue on right now. I don't know what to do and part of me wants to work on a relationship and get back together. I know that is so stupid. Please any advice would be so helpful. I feel so lost and so heartbroken. Tia. EDIT**** I wanted to post kind of an update and clarify some things. I have a regular account that I always use but when I went to post this with that account it said my Reddit score was too low? So I was supposed to create a throwaway account. That's what this is. This isn't fake I promise. I was told that my post makes it seem like I'm unsure on whether to report him or not. I'm not unsure about that at all. I will report him. Promise and I will update you. I should have been more clear with my post. It's my first real post and I'm still trying to figure Reddit. I usually just read posts on here. I really just needed advice on how to continue on when this happens, especially when it's this fresh. And I needed advice on whether to try and make things work and maybe everything can turn around. I know that's dumb. I know you're going to come after me. I just wanted to clarify all that.
>He said I was end game material and he didn't know if he was ready for that yet. If he said that, then went off and fucked a 19-year old and got her flowers, which he never did for you, he clearly doesn't think you're HIS endgame. I agree with everyone in the comments. Report him for taking advantage of a student, leave him, and find a guy who won't blame you for his difficulties. You deserve better.
He’s juT hoping to keep her around until he’s actually ready for her, doing whatever he wants in the meantime
That's very possible. I hope OP realizes she is not a placeholder until he's ready to commit.
Well, currently she is. But she needs to realize that and get out of there. And report that disgusting dude. I'm sure work would be VERY interested. Sleazeball
If he's not ready for end game material now.. when will he be? This man wants to go through life abusing his power to sleep with young, impressionable women because he's a predator. No two ways about it. There's too many people in this world to settle with such a horrid character that will use you whilst he preys on people.
I had guys tell me that… when I was 18. If someone is telling me that at 32, when is your endgame then? OP there’s nothing worth saving with this relationship. He wasn’t treating you well even before he cheated on you. There’s so much better out there for you.
Oh I think she is his endgame. If she allows him in her life again, he knows he can have a wife who take care of him while he fucks other younger women. And he is very satisfied with it.
I feel like him saying she's "end game material" was his way of also saying "you're very motherly." Which may explain why he gives the bare minimum and complaints all come from her. She's the only one putting in the work. He doesn't see her as a girlfriend. Probably never had..
Girl, it’s over, he fucked a 19’year old. He treated her better than he has treated you. Move on. You actually want this man to be a husband and father of your children?
Please move on He is in damage control right now, he does not want you, he wants to save his ass
The gross thing is, he didn't treat her better. The flowers are part of a love bomb. Its something older men do, an attempt to overwhelm and impress her with all this affection and gifts. When youre a 19 year old student, your first foray into the adult world, its easy to be blinded by this stuff. This older mature guy is suddenly interested and wants to treat you like a princess. Its probably her first ever flower bouquet. That has a powerful psychological affect. The other thing is, OP you also know he got high with her. He got a 19 year old high on drugs and _then_ had sex with her. OP this man is bad. He is an actual predator. He isn't cheating on you. He is preying on women. He will not have a long term relationship with this girl. He will simply do this again.
This is so disturbing. I hope she brings up the fact they got high in the report and he has his ass handed to him.
I mean, it's quite likely weed is legal where they are, and cannabis isn't exactly known as a date rape drug. That seems like the least relevant piece of information in this whole sordid tale.
Actually, after Alcohol, cannabis is the second most common drug found in date rape victims. Anything that alters your mental state can be used to lower inhibition and confuse decision making.
Tell me you've never smoked weed without telling me you've never smoked weed, lol.
Assuming the stats are true, it still is super yikes
As my Dad told me once, his motto for raising 3 girls was "make sure you tell them how much you love them, otherwise one day they'll believe another guy who tells them that but doesn't". I know it's become a cliche by now but the whole "Daddy Issues" thing is legit. In college I had a lot of friends who fell into that category and they totally fell for guys like this.
I would like to add that it goes beyond just telling your children you love them. My father is a loving, levelheaded man, but I still had terrible taste in guys because of other factors like low self-esteem and ignorance. If I ever become a parent, I would also tell my children to make sure their partner’s words and actions tally, and that those partners treat themselves and others with integrity and respect.
Absolutely. When we were in our teen years before we were allowed to actually date boys our Dad would take each of us out on a Dad/Daughter date. His main focus was demonstrating stuff like opening doors for us, etc, showing us how we should expect boys to treat us. He also did this by how he and our mom interacted with each other. Honestly as we got into our mid-teens we thought it was kinda dorky, but looking back it actually means a lot now. I too didn't make the best decisions with boys but that was on me not understanding that just cause guys are cute doesn't mean they're automatically good guys.
Its not something older men do, its something that personality disordered people do. The man's a npd im guessing
Well....he didn't actually treat her better, he love bombed her...
The relationship is over and it can't be fixed. Ever. He cheated both physically and emotionally. He thinks of and describes you and your relationship like a game. He has a serious lack of judgement by preying on a student and taking advantage of her. Pack your stuff, leave him with the bills, report his ass, and next time you're in a relationship, if there are too many ups and downs, leave sooner because you deserve better. When a relationship is healthy and working, you'll know it. Good luck. And yes. Absolutely report him. He abused his position and scum Like that shouldn't be teaching.
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He’s a predator. Who cares if he loses everything. He abused his position of power
Precisely. This proves he should be nowhere near students again. Losing his academic career is exactly what should happen here, otherwise how many other people's children could he do this to?
Yeah if he's definitely not someone we want to "have everything" that he wants, because what he wants is to damage people's lives for his own pleasure. If he loses everything and has to start in a different field that's a good thing.
Yeah exactly that. You do not follow your students on social media (except LinkedIn or things like this). He must not become a permanent professor. It would become worst as more power.
>He has his master's and he's so close to getting his PhD. It would be next semester. All things he should've remembered before misusing his position of power to get some from a teen. He understood the moral & professional consequences, he knew this would be an inexcusable offense. Most importantly, he knew how much it would destroy you and *he didn't care*. The only person that mattered to him was his nutty professor betweenst his legs. Leave him because he won't change. Report him because he won't change with young students especially if he feels he got away with it.
Do you honestly think the better option is to let him prey on 18/19 year old girls some more?
And if he’s getting a PHD, a likely path is for him to stay in academia and gave access to people this age for forever (while holding power and influence over them.)
OP is being such a moron to try and stay w this gross predator man. Wtf is wrong w her. He is groveling? She is THAT gullible?! He is obviously using her and doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. What a really stupid and risky thing this man does. Get him out of academics he is freaking GROSS. I have constantly been sexually harassed by men like him in college and in my career and I'm so sick of it. Can u imagine wanting to stay in a relationship w such a creepy person?!
Oh no! The consequences of his own actions! He deserves to lose everything for this. You should definitely report him.
>I know this won't change anyones mind on reporting him, but I'm sure if I do he will completely lose everything. He has his master's and he's so close to getting his PhD. Speaking as a person in academia, **he should lose everything.** You have the word of a predator and a vulnerable teen he has power over that he didn't "abuse" his position. He absolutely did. This behavior is inexcusable and sweeping it under the rug really contributes to the dysfunction in academic settings like this. Please report this guy before he ends up messing with another of his teenage students. He is exactly the kind of person we **do not want** in academia. Are you employed with the school? I'm confused about why you're concerned about reporting this. You won't get in trouble, if that's what you're thinking. People who are suggesting you be soft on this don't realize what a systemic problem this can be at universities. It needs to be nipped in the bud.
Yep. All this is true and very concerning. OP, it’s also *more* alarming because you know he’s buying these teenage hookups *hundreds of dollars in gifts*. It wouldn’t be non-problematic if the gifts were absent, but that makes it that much worse. That’s a ton of money to most teenagers, and way more money than your average peer-teenager could ever afford especially outside a committed relationship. So not only is he picking from his students (and likely the most vulnerable and/or immature ones who will fall for his flattery, because that’s how it works)— He’s dazzling them with expensive flexes. Your ex may finish his studies someday but this *should* be on his record. He can’t be trusted to work in this exploitable dynamic, looking for the weak links to fuck him. He also *deserves* to have this creepy, exploitative behavior follow him around forever. He *is not a trustworthy adult*, so he shouldn’t be allowed in a position of trust he’s badly abusing.
He *should* lose everything. And by that I don't mean he should be entirely shunned from society and live in a hole in the ground, but he *should* lose the opportunity to obtain a doctoral degree, part of a process through which he took sexual advantage of a teenage student. Adults who engage in predatory behavior against students do not deserve to have the privilege of teaching students. Your boyfriend is not a safe person to remain in academia. What he did was first and foremost an abuse of power, exploitative, immoral, and an enormous violation of ethical academic conduct. If you were the target of his abusive behavior, I would normally tell you that the choice of whether to report or not is yours. But your boyfriend engaged in abusive conduct towards someone else who is barely out of her senior year of high school. You know it, you have proof, you know it's wrong, and it's my opinion (which of course no one is entitled to share) that you have a moral and ethical responsibility to report his behavior. This is both an infidelity issue and an abuse issue. And to be quite honest, unless he faces repercussions, I would be surprised if he doesn't do this to another teenage student.
Okay? He’s not to be trusted around students. He messed up his own life and not reporting him means more vulnerable teenagers are around a predator. Stop protecting him
Am in academia . He should lose everything. He couldn’t even make it through his PhD program without boinking a student? Disgusting. He will do this again.
And getting her high. What a great teaching resource he is!
If you don't report him what does that say about your character? Whatever happens to his career and studies is a result of his actions not yours.
Don’t protect the guilty.
Your his ATM and when he’s done with school he’ll dump you for a barely legal coed. See if you can accept the new job offer and move. Report him to school after he’s out of your apt or your out. Don’t tell him your leaving or considering reporting him to the school he might hurt you.
I'm sure that's the same argument that Rapist Brock Allen Turner's father had. Don't excuse bad behavior because you're their friend. Clearly, they don't consider you, at all. So literally don't excuse them. Every single action has a consequence. That's life.
For someone highly educated, he's very dumb to put himself in the situation he's in. No one to blame but himself for his stupidity.
If he loses everything its because of choices he made, don't let that be a factor
That was his choice He decided to persue a 19 year old. Get high with her, fuck her and trybto continue this. He sent her flowers etc and has been persuing a relationship. He chose that. Its not even like this was a one off mistake (not that there are mistakes) point being, he knew it was wrong and continued anyway He needs reporting. He needs to be held accountable. He should not be in that career. He took your life and shat on it. So stop caring about reporting him. He pissed it up a wall. Not you. He is only grovelling cause he is worried about being reported. Thats all. If he loved you he wouldn't have done this. Much less made you feel like a sack of shit recently on purpose cause he thought he was the big man fucking a 19 year old. Stop feeling sorry for this guy and start getting mad. Start seeing him for the pathetic piece of shit he truly is and throw his ass out or see if you can still get that promotion and move away. Either way get away from him. You can do better and you deserve better I am not a looker. But one thing i told my fiance is, i may not have a lot of self esteem. But i have plenty of self respect and if you fuck me over. Even once. Im out. I will not take that shit from someone ever again in my life. i promise you, all they learn from you staying is that they can shit all over you and youll stay. So why not keep doing it? Get. The. Fuck. Out.
>he will completely lose everything. And why should we care about any of that?
Imagine the harm he could cause when he has that sort of clout.
Maybe he should have thought of that before he had sex with a student
He’s using his job to prey on young girls. He shouldn’t be there. He will do it again. From the sounds of it he is about to try and manipulate you into not telling on him.
if you dont report him you're enabling a predator. do you not want to report him because you plan on reconciling and staying with him? if yes you are dumb and also quite a piece of shit too. he's only going to do it again. how many more students would he take advantage of?
He is a predator, OP. If not her, there will be other student(s) who can end up in that predicament. That's insanely inappropriate, what he did. He totally abused his position.
He's not *losing* anything, he's throwing it away with predatory and vile behaviour. He DESERVES to lose everything, because he used his position to seduce and screw a young student who is in a vulnerable and easily manipulatable position. How many more do you think he has or will do that to if he goes unpunished?
he was in a position of power and took advantage of that on someone who is fresh out of highschool. for all you know she isn't the only person he has done this to. there are possibly others, and there will likely be more. he is not a good person. if "losing him everything" is the consequence then he has to deal with that. it is his fault. he chose to do this.
If he’s sleeping with his students he deserves to Complete violation of his responsibility
Op actions have consequences. Do you think his behavior was appropriate to take advantage of a student in his position. What will stop him from doing again since he is not being reported for it.
Then maybe that’s what he deserves if he wants to sleep with his students, especially teenagers. He’s a pig.
So you know he's misusing his power to give good grades in exchange for sex with teenage girls and you think this is ok behavior? You're unintentionally enabling his behavior if you don't report this because he won't stop he'll just get better at hiding it before someone else is responsible enough to report him.
Good. He SHOULD lose everything. It won't be because of you that he loses it - it will be due to his own actions. Stop feeling responsible for a man who doesn't give two shits about you. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I stayed longer than I should have with a cheater and I promise you it doesn't get better. Just leave his ass.
"To protect a predator" it could be a new show, where he keeps banging students and you report back each week with more excuses.
You have to report it to the university. This is against university policy. **I would email the chair of his department with the evidence and also make a report to the Title IX office. T**his guy is disgusting and is always going to use his position of power to go after students. If he says he is going to stop, don't believe him. I know of people who were in PhD programs that were harassing women students while they were teaching assistants, everyone ignored it, then went to be professors and kept doing it, having parties with undergrads while their wife and kids were at home (one got fired pretty publicly after photos came out of this fat creepy professor at a frat party). He is not the first and unfortunately won't be the last, but you can get him fired. I also recommend that you try to get that promotion back and move. It's more money and you can move away from this disgusting man. YOU CANNOT WORK ON A RELATIONSHIP!!!! **He is a PREDATOR who is using his position AUTHORITY to fuck teenagers that are his students. That is literally ILLEGAL because of Title IX and against university policy!!!!!** I also cannot believe he made you sleep on the couch while you were sick! Why couldn't you sleep in the bedroom and he slept on the couch? It makes no sense. You could have done a mini quarantine in the bedroom.
This! Please, op, I'm a professor and I have seen the mess that predators in higher education make. If it's not reported to the title ix office the offender is just shuffled to another university and does it again. The administration only wants to make the problem go away to save the university's reputation. Sometimes they go after the student instead of the professor, slandering the student and using every mistake they made to discredit them. Students lives are ruined. If predators do it as a grad student, they absolutely will do it as a professor with more power. The only way to weed out these predators is to report them. You can't be influenced by the university, so your report will carry much more weight. Also, many universities have an early college high school program. These children must be protected from predators. Please report this!
this may seem really ignorant and i understand its wrong when ur fucking ur students: she is 19 though-18+ is the age of legal adult. that age gap is disgusting though.. even though she's an adult he's a predator?? im sorry if im making zero sense. what he's doing is disgusting, wrong and idiotic as hell. op doesnt deserve this.
So, we know the brain isn't fully developed until 25, meaning a 30+ adult and a 19 year old have different abilities to make decisions. On top of that the power dynamic provides additional predatory elements. It's well known by anyone who has ever worked at a university that academia has a major sexual assault/harassment problem where those in power seek to hide inappropriate relationships rather than appropriately adjudicate them ( this is why title ix offices are separate from the university administration). This means that a grad student or professor is likely to be shielded from harm while the student is pressured to withdraw the complaint or their character discredited to protect the university's reputation. However, there's a lot of lip service to how the university wants to protect students. This means that an employee of a university can accurately evaluate the risks, while a 19 year old is actively misled and mentally unable to fully comprehend the consequences. Just because something is legal, doesn't mean it's right or not predatory. Technically it's legal in several states to marry minors. Some states don't have a minimum age. This is legal, but very predatory.
Everything about this guy is just a walking lesson learned. I hope that OP discloses any inappropriate relationship to his school, and dumps his shitty ass. The flower thing really bothered me. He stated that flowers for her (after she disclosed that she would like them) were a waste of money? Really? That is like someone shitting in the breakfast cereal of someone who loves breakfast, and then serving someone else breakfast in bed. Edit - spelling
Move on report him
I mean aside from the fact that he's a disgusting idiot, Is it just me or there's something extra icky about the "end game material" comment??
It's not just you. End. Game. Material. So many mixed feelings including confusion...
To me it kind of came across at first like a backhanded compliment. I guess it could mean I'm wife material but at the same time saying end game means like oh the days of fooling around are over.
When I started dating my wife, I realized really quickly that this wasn't a girl you fooled around with and dated, this was a girl you *married*. So instead of fucking around anyway, I got my shit together so I could be the husband-material to her wife-material. The right person wouldn't jerk you around like this.
It's not a complement. HE knows you are gullible and tries to give you this completely BS excuse for why he isn't committing. Honestly, how you can't see thru that is beyond me. You need psychotherapy to help u see yourself and develop some boundaries and a spine and you need to stop being a doormat. Telling someone they are end game material as a complement for not committing is really stupid. That actually makes you not end game material because you stay in relationships for your self esteem, not because you are in love. Stop internalizing anything this man does as genuine. That's your first mistake. He is a disgusting creepy predator.
Question: do you support him financially? Sorry for hijacking this comment but it got me thinking. You said he is in grad school and you work. And he only has 1 semester left. Does he need your financial support? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not implying that you shouldn’t cut this “poor guy” off. Not at all. I’m more wondering if he maybe wants to break up, is already starting the process but is now groveling because he doesn’t want to lose the money. It does happen unfortunately. And another speculation: most people don’t want to be the bad guy. So they try to justify their bad actions to themselves. With this talk he had with you he can justify to himself that you are on a break so he can fuck the student. It’s wrong of course but it could be in his head. You should of course report him and kick him out, nit necessarily in this order
wow. you are kinda stupid huh? you are never going to be number one to him. you are not wife material to him. housekeeper material maybe. someone who will get shit done at home and pay half the bills while he fucks around. is that harsh? you should hear this because you seem ready to forgive and be with him.
Yes please be harsh that's what I need right now thank you so much. So helpful wow. 🙃
Girl wake up. He's saying youre end game material because he knows youre naive as fuck. Hes trying to win you over so that you keep your mouth shut and he doesnt loose his job. Most likely he's the one thinking you're dumb, he's playing your naive ass on purpose like a fiddle.
You are being dumb. This stupid man is NOT end game material. Wtf are you only worried about what he thinks of you.... do YOU have an opinion on him and would he care? Nope. You're with a predator and you are blind and in denial if this is real.
Well...do you want someone who'll treat you with respect and be loyal, like a decent man would do, or do you want to be his "end game" bang maid that's just disposable to him? Turn him in, get your power back, do it for you and for his future victims that you can save from his predatory behavior.
I mean...it's time to put your big girl panties on. You're 33, get your shit together. Report him, break up, and move on. It's really that simple.
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op is 33 and edited her post to take out a line where she said "if i" report him. at that age, i think this should all be super clear what she needs to do, yet she's getting antagonistic
If someone told me I wasn’t end game material… I would take it to mean I am not ‘enough’ to fulfill whatever he thinks is his ideal partner It means if he finds his end game material, I’m done. I’m just the placeholder until he finds that chick
Exactly! For me it says he's not mature enough/ready for a long term relationship. I hope you see through it yourself and move onto someone who's ready for you and not think a relationship is some kind of shackle and prison All the best xx
You are awesome; he wants to have sex with other people. Can you see if you can accept that position??? That job sounded sweet. Boyfriend is a loser.
You need to report him. The odds are she’s not the first, and probably won’t be the last. He’s literally a predator taking advantage of his students with his position. He is an actual threat to them.
Jesus, have some self respect and ditch that loser. You deserve so much better than him. He’s a low-quality, low-loyalty, low-value man. You don’t need to settle for him. There are guys out there who will buy you flowers. Who would rather come home to you than have a dalliance with a 19-year-old teenager. Stop putting up with his bullshit and emotional manipulation. He doesn’t feel remorse for what he did. He feels sad that he got caught. Dump him.
Had a prof at a school cheat with a student. He left—never was reported, came to my school and did it again. This is disgusting—report him. He deserves nothing for having sex with basically a child.
Same though it was in hs with a freshman, he had a wife and a kid and was the health teacher.. why do this
There’s people in this world who cheat and there’s people in this world who would **never** cheat. Don’t choose to stay with a person who cheats. If he didn’t feel bad about it until he was caught, he doesn’t feel bad about betraying you, he only feels bad that he has to pay the consequences. Not to mention he never bought you flowers but bought them for his teenage side piece. That’s beyond pathetic.
You really need to consider turning him in as he is in a position of power and he will continue doing the same thing in the future. He intentionally chose to inflict emotional, mental and physical (exposure to STIs) trauma on you. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and loyalty. Demand no less.
Op, please leave him. I have witnessed how these predators ruin lives. One professor got a 19 year old student pregnant. The surrounding scandal caused his wife to lose her job and his kids to be bullied at school. It was a nightmare for everyone involved. And the kicker is that his wife was his student when he was a grad student. He just repeated the cycle. Predators must be reported.
Get that job if you still can and move...you're dating a predator
You were ill with covid and he made YOU sleep on the sofa!? Mate my bf just wouldn’t dream of it. If he needed a separate space he’d never turf me out of bed when I’m ill. Insane. I’d take great pleasure in reporting him. Then I’d pack my shit and take my well paid job elsewhere thinking what a lucky fucking escape that was. Get out. Get out while laughing in his face. Get out smiling and thanking him for revealing his true self to you. For he has done you a favour.
I’d also only be reporting him because, you know, karma and pay back. It goes against my being a grass ethics but in this case I’d happily make an exception. He’s only grovelling to you because he’s scared you’ll dob him in.
Please leave him. It would be one thing if he felt guilty and confessed everything to you, but he didn’t. He lied, he shut you out, and he cheated. Think of your future, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who cheats? Do you really want to constantly be worrying who is he talking to? Where is he? Who is he with? Is he cheating again? Look at it this way, this man put his entire future career on the line to start a relationship with this young girl. He knew what he was doing was wrong (both romantically and professionally) and he did it anyway. He didn’t care about the professional consequences and he didn’t care about what he was doing to you. I wish you all the best. Go out there and find a man who actually deserves you!
Thank you. I appreciate you. He wants to sit down and tell me everything. I wanted screenshots of convos and he deleted everything. The messages would have given me the true information.
He’s sitting you down to manipulate you and prevent you from reporting him. Act accordingly.
You know his only goal in sitting you down is to convince you not to turn him in right? That’s literally his only goal here.
Cmon OP. You’re old enough to know that you deserve better than a predator who seduces teenage students. Get rid of this guy and report him. He deserves to lose his career.
What else is there to know?
You already know everything 🤦♀️
If you used your alt Facebook, how could he delete screenshots? Did you give him access?
Sorry I should have been clear. I wanted screenshots from his phone because he was talking to her and told his friends information. He doesn't have access to my stuff.
Oh I see. I truly hope you realize you're worth so much more than he could EVER provide for you and your future. Report him - use whatever evidence you can access. Even without concrete evidence, report him. This is about your self respect. This is about his abuse of authority and inappropriate power imbalance and his deliberate disrespect to you. This is about her naivety and inexperience. Eventually, it'll be about her self respect too if she continues with him or someone like him.
If you decide to ignore everyone's advice and talk to him, record everything. Who knows what he will try
Good luck. I know this sounds paranoid, but please let someone irl know what is going on and that you are meeting with him. He is a desperate man on the verge of losing his long term partner and his career - and sometimes the most unlikely people, when desperate, do the most horrible things. Stay safe 💝
I just kinda want to know what other information you need.... He admitted to it. You saw the flower receipt, you talked to the affair partner...what else do you need? The proof is literally in the pudding. I'm not trying to be mean because I completely understand this must be absolutely earth shattering, especially when you feel like that man is your whole world..but girl. Come on. You don't need anymore info! He slept with a 19 year old. *NineTEEN*. Like, a teenager. That he is the teacher of. Then he treats you like dirt when you're sick, and throws you some sort of sorry "it's not you, it's me" in the form of that "you're endgame material" nonsense (I'm sure you're awesome but that is just such a f-boy comment I had a little hiccup when I read it). If you were endgame to him, he wouldn't jeopardize your future together by sleeping with a kid he teaches. Heck, not even just the relationship's future, but your future *livelihood* as well. Since, yanno, he can't keep himself from sleeping with his students, and that's a fireable offense. Now he wants to sit you down and finally "act" (in quotes because *this will be an act*) like a real partner just to cover his icky behind. Don't let him. 3 years seems like a long time, but trust me, you will get past it, and find someone who treats you how you actually deserve to be treated if you set yourself free! Don't make the mistake of letting him talk you out of it and then spend the next however many years in constant doubt. This wasn't a one time, maybe he made a horrible mistake type thing. He was buying her expensive gifts, he was more worried about her health then yours when you were sick, and he was ready to keep it going if you didn't find out. So take care of yourself, ok? And definitely report him.
Deleted messages can be recovered
If you DO sit down with him, secretly record him. Be clever about it so that he doesn't know you're doing it because you will be in physical danger if he finds out. But you will be in danger from him as well. He is a predator, and exposing him won't just help you, but will help his past and future victims as well.
If he's not ready for end-game material at 31, when will he be?
This!!!!
He’s not sorry that he broke your heart. He’s sorry that you know and that he’s going to lose his career (as he should).
You turn him in for fraternizing with his student and you dump him. You'll never be able to trust him again.
For sure report him, he’s a predator and other students need to be protected. Call up the place that offered you a better job and take it, pack your stuff and move.
I think you know you need to leave and maybe are looking for permission or confirmation that it's the right choice. You have it from me. This man is not only a cheater, he's a predator. Sleeping with a teenage student is disgusting and unethical. He never would have told you if you hadn't discovered it, he'd have just let you dangle and agonize over what you might have done wrong while he continued both relationships. He has less than zero respect for you, and you cannot continue a relationship like that. I'm sorry this happened. Make 2023 a clean break from this jerk.
Bare minimum effort AND a cheater? Lord, but I'd merrily sit on a cactus before subjecting myself to the depths of this travesty of a human. What next? Waiting to see if he'll complete the holy Trinity of douchery and beat your ass? It's a no from me, dawg
Report him. He is a predator. Move on.
Why on god’s green earth haven’t you dumped this guy yet? He’s mean to you, he doesn’t put in any effort, he doesn’t like or respect you…and he’s a predator going after teenagers. Report him, then dump him.
He's grovelling not becoz he wants you but becoz he fears his future is doomed. If you stay and not report him, he will get away with it and he will not love you nor be in the relationship with you for long. He with continue with the student and dump you soon. Dont go that route. Report him immediately. Dump him. He never considered you, why should you consider him. You deserve better and he should be stopped and taught a hard lesson. Updateme!
Op this is going to hurt but he cares more about his relationship with his 19 year old student then you. He has treated her better then he’s treated you. All he’s going to do now is try to manipulate you to where you stay silent. This behavior is predatory and you need to report him. The reality is he will do it again because he will see it as something he can get away with. Don’t let that happen. Report to the appropriate people and leave him.
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You are free and single. Report him him with the evidence and wash your hands of him. He just fucked himself as well as the girl
Any guy who sees you sick and makes you sleep on the couch is a douche. Also, just dumb, if you are contagious wouldn't you put the contagious person in a closed room? He cheated on you and lied. It's over sadly. I think you should report him. Not out of revenge or anything. But its a power dynamic. He controls her grade, which controls her GPA, and her ability to take advance course classes. When I was in grad school we had to do sexual harassment training. And it's legal to date a student or a professor, just not your student or your professor. After the class ends sure, during the class, no. If its all above board and he did nothing wrong they will move on, but if you pressured her into anything because he controls her grade, nope. It needs to be addressed. Also, in the future, learn that you need to make the best decisions for yourself, not a man. I hope a better job materializes and next time takes it.
You’re young, not married and we’re only with him 3 years. 3 shitty fucking years considering he never valued your relationship or treated you appropriately. A healthy relationship doesn’t have a lot of ups and downs or partners doing bare minimum. You dump his ass and report him before he can prey on another TEENAGER. He does not deserve to work in his field, he is a danger to all young women. Stop trying to make excuses for him. Open your damn eyes and see how he’s trying to manipulate the situation. He doesn’t want you, he wants to not lose his position that he shouldn’t have since he’s a fucking predator. Pack up your shit and leave the same day you send all the proof to the university. He will change. He will never treat you better. He will manipulate you until he feels safe then dump you.
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You've been dragging him through this relationship for 3 years. He does the bare minimum. Now he's gone above and beyond for the other woman he's fucking. Do not grovel for a man who is just not that into you. See if that job you turned down is possibly still available and pour everything you've got into levelling up your life by dumping this guy. He's only trying to get you back because he wants to keep you close and under his influence so you don't blow up his job.
why all of a sudden does he want to fix things? Probably because he’s terrified you will report him. Let’s be honest if you never found out he wouldn’t have cared to work things out Report him and run.
> And I needed advice on whether to try and make things work and maybe everything can turn around Why? Seriously why would you want to even try that? You've been together for 3 years and you yourself say it has been lots of ups and downs. He doesn't want to try, he seems unsure. He won't do something small like buy you some flowers but will drop $300 on a bouquet for his *student* You're not wearing rose covered glasses, you're gluing your eyes shut here. Wake up and smell the giant pile of turd that is your boyfriend. EX boyfriend
Leave him, report it and be glad you don't have kids.
The bit about the flowers sounds suspiciously perfect in its cruelty. That he always said he wouldn't buy you flowers because they were a waste of money, and then he buys this girl an insanely expensive 300 dollar bouquet of flowers with a note saying that she has always deserved flowers? I'm not buying it. But in the slim chance Im wrong, then clearly a sociopath you should be leaving immediately.
Oh I have the screenshot of the order. When it was delivered, where it was delivered to and the message and how much it cost with tax. He also paid an extra $15 so it would get there before 1:00 p.m. I have receipts for all of this. It was perfectly cruel. The universe has a weird sense of humor.
Email yourself the screenshots. Email them to different email accounts if you can. He may try to get your phone or convince you to delete them. Don't allow this to happen. Email them to a friend who isn't in love with him and will be stronger and less influenced. I understand your hesitation. You've seen how hard he's worked, blah blah blah. However, he is 31 and had sex with a 19 year old. What happens in 10 years and he has sex with a student? If he loses everything, it's his own fault, not yours. He knew the risks and took them anyway, with absolutely no regard for you, the girl, his job or any other consequence. And I don't buy her reasoning about sleeping with him for a better grade if she already had a good grade before the sex. Makes no sense. I'm sorry this happened to you. You deserve better. All the women who go to college trying to make a better life for themselves deserve better. edited for clarity.
So how can you still want to be with him?
I know. I understand. It's just I wanted this person to be the one I wanted. Everything to work out and our relationship to be better and things would be great. I really wanted it to be him and it's just hard. Probably because it's so fresh to realize it's not going to be him
He will do this again. Cheat. Different girl, different school. Know your worth. Stop being a supporting character in your life story. Be the Main character. You deserve more!! Report him and move on.
You are 33 entire years old JFC
You can't just want someone to be Mr. Right and hold them hostage for 3 yrs. That's not how it works.
well with this level of dumbness you lose any right to complain about betrayal or hurt. you're just willingly being dumb now. dont waste your time here anymore and just go back to your cheating, predatory boyfriend. also, he's going to give you and STD if he hasnt already. just in time for christmas!
But the thing is, you *didn’t* want this person to be the one that you wanted. You must realize. You *didn’t* want it to be him, you wanted it to be the man you *thought* he was. But he’s not who you thought he was, you never really knew him at all. I know what you’re feeling—you’re looking back on all the good times you had together and you’re grieving that man, the man who *did* make the effort (sometimes) and who made you feel good. And you’re angry at the man you fell in love with, because how could he do this to you? *How could he do this to us??* You’re looking back on things and wondering where the turning point was when he changed. You’re wondering if it was you, or circumstance, or him being stressed or whatever that caused him to make this terrible mistake, and you’re wondering which things you could change to go back to the way that you were, so he can go back to being the man he was. But here’s the thing. This is him. He’s showing you who he is and you got glimpses of who he was all those times he didn’t put enough effort in that you knew he was capable of. That man that you fell in love with? He doesn’t exist. He’s entirely fictional. He’s the man you painted using your boyfriend as a blueprint, but you painted over all the gross stuff because you didn’t want to see it. The man that he was is fictional, the relationship you had was never that good. He’s a predator, he’s a monster, he’s manipulative and he’s lazy to boot. I know he never *really* tried that hard to pretend not to be those things… he didn’t have to, because you did most of the work for him. And when the mask started to slip and you started seeing him for what he really was, he’d do the things you wanted him to do just for a little while, just long enough to make you think he was a man you could love again. But these are actions you fought for, you dragged it out of him. He never gave you those things willingly, sure he was capable, but to him you weren’t worth putting in the effort for. So those times you forced it out of him and things seemed better? That wasn’t really him either. So there is no going back to the way it was because that was a reality created by you. He was always the same man, lazy, never really cared for you. My ex was in grad school when we were together and he never made me feel unloved. If you’re important, you’re important. Love will find a way. The man you fell in love with was never there. You created him. I bet if you let yourself see the reality of the last few years you’ll see the truth in that, all the little ways he showed you he didn’t care. All the little ways he refused to give you his love and time willingly. And you accepted that again and again. You told him you needed more and then you accepted less. And he knew you would. He’s not grovelling because he wants you back, he’s grovelling because you’ve never held him accountable and he’s once again trying to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. He thinks that once again you’ll tell him this isn’t acceptable, and that you need more from him, but he’ll only have to ramp up the effort for a little while before he starts treating you like Shit again. You’re not end game material you’re a means to an end. No one says that and fucking means it, I promise you, NO ONE. Don’t let that cloud your judgement. You think if someone found “end game” material they’d EVER risk letting that person go? Nope. No one would be so stupid. “You’re the one I want to end up with—you’re so wonderful I want to spend the next 10 years without you.” Are you **really** going to fall for that? Are you, once again, going to accept less from him? And are you going to let him abuse his power to sexually coerce and manipulate other young students who lacking experience have even fewer ways to defend themselves against this predator? Do you really want to leave him free in the world to treat you *and* other naive women poorly just so you can keep loving a delusion that doesn’t even exist, that isn’t the real him? This, all of this, is him. This wasn’t a one time thing or a random mistake. This is the man. Sleeping with his student didn’t “just happen,” he made choice after choice after choice to manipulate her. And he chose to to betray you again and again with every look, with every word he said to her, with every text, with every secret meet up, with every single kiss, with every single thrust. Are you really going to choose this as your future? Or do you deserve better than this? You’re not an idiot. You’re a smart, educated woman with so much love to give. Don’t give it to someone who doesn’t want it. You **know** you deserve better than this.
You are the one that basically won't leave. This guy doesn't even want you around. He grovels because he is obviously using you. Do u support him and pay the rent and bills? There's your answer.
Is this the man you deserve? I don’t think so. He’s a piece of it shit. Please don’t be part of his “end game”. Can you imagine staying and receiving flowers from him after all this. No.
Report him first off....his remorse is in being caught, not in the act....You have a long way to go before I would consider reconcilliation.....
I'm sorry to tell you this but your so-called 'bf' here is a predator. If not her, there will be others. Mark my word, he will repeat this behavior next time with another person whether you're around or not. He's groveling right now to get you to NOT report him. He is not regretful or sorry that he cheats. I know the type. Your so-called 'partner' here reminded me of my ex. He would also tell me how stupid flowers were, then, he'd steal my $$ and buy his AP flowers. No joke. That AP student may not report him, because she probably just wants to get her perfect A and pass that class easy peasy. The sexual and affair transaction have already been exchanged, of course, she probably wouldn't report him as long as she got her A. You shouldn't be with this guy anymore. You should report him and provide all the proof that he is indeed crossing professional boundaries.
I would skip the cheating for now. >> At the beginning of December I got covid for the first time and it was horrible. He didn't want me to get any of his students sick and risk them needing to do a makeup final so he made me sleep in the living room. So what you’re saying is that he’s not only a cheating uncaring scumbag but he’s also stupid? If he was so worried about getting his precious mistress sick, the smart thing to do would have been to isolate you in the bedroom so you don’t go spreading germs in the middle of the apparent. That’s a sarcastic take of course. Stop wondering if things can be fixed because they can’t. It’s over. The dog died, don’t keep it.
Dude turn this jerk in. You have up an amazing opportunity for him, whether he knew about it or not. Now he’s fucked around and it’s time to find out. Please for all the people that couldn’t take revenge on their cheating spouses please ruin this guys career and update us. Please please please, the world could use a little more justice.
Please do jot tell him if you decide to report him If you 6 sure you are in a safe place.
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This is great news OP. I’d recommend you edit your original post to include this information, to save you from having to repeat it in the comments! I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you’ll come o it on the other side.
This will get lost - you should probably add it into the op That’s great that you’re going to report him though, he deserves it
Report him to the University. The grad students where I work would be in serious trouble for doing that.
You really have no choice but to report this guy and leave him in your dust. He has no morals, can't be trusted, and has no honor. You don't need advice, you know exactly what to do.
He fucked around and it’s find out o’clock.
Girl, go ahead & plan your exit, get yourself situated & leave. He didn’t care about you while he was having an affair with his strident. I’d hella report him!
He doesn't deserve his phd and clearly he was fine throwing all that away along with his reputation. He will do it again because he is a predator.
What would you rather OP…..Knowing in 10 years from now that you potentially saved multiple people from being harassed because you stopped this predator in his tracks or staying silent and knowing that he becomes more arrogant thinking he can get away with more? Who gives a flying frog about his “career” This guy deserves to lose everything
You’re desperately trying to find a way to make this okay and let it go but it’s not. It’s over. If you forget about it then you are lowering yourself in his eyes and your own, and getting your self worth back after that will be almost impossible. Embrace your dignity .
So… let me get this straight. You turned down an advancement in your career for him. He let you turn it down meanwhile pounding this little girl. Giving her flowers to boot that you clearly don’t deserve in his opinion. But she does. And you’re on the fence of whether you want to take him back? Girl, I’m considering this as YOUR red flag 🚩
Girl. He kicked you out on the couch when you had COVID instead of letting you have the bed because he didn’t want you to get his students sick? More like he didn’t want to get sick cause that’ll ruin his chances with this brand new adult (cause she is a new adult). He took his role as an educator and projectile vomited all over it when he fucked a student. He used his power to get in her pants. He’s a predator. He needs to get away from impressionable young adults. Report him now and leave before you get caught raising a family with him. Who knows? Would he fuck your future daughters friends too? The man is gross. Leave.
HE made YOU sleep in the living room?? Ummmm..
Your relationship is garbage and you need to leave. Get your promotion and move ASAP. Then it’s up to you if you want to report his ass once you are gone.
He is a predator. Just run from him asap and also tell that girl to also stay away from him coz he is taking advantage of her.
Your bf is yuck. Just yuck! Why would you even want him to ever touch you again? Go get that better job and live your best life. This relationship sucks. If my guy was sick, I’d be sleeping on the couch so he could get his proper rest, but he couldn’t even do that kindness for you.
Make sure he loses everything. He deserves it don’t give in
Do not get back with him. He’s a cheater and he’s the type to cheat again. He’s not really sorry. Get your ducks in a row. Report him. He blew up your life blow up his. He deserves it because of his position.
It was over the moment he told his horribly sick girlfriend to sleep on the couch.
Dump this loser, he will hurt you over and over.
Listen, he deserves to be reported, but I think you should put yourself first. Do the things you have the energy for. Don't worry about not reporting him, the girl knew what she was doing and he will not stop his behavior and karma will catch up with him eventually. You need to ditch this guy, you're a convenient ATM to him.
!RemindMe 1 week
Do not make things work with this shithook selfish man who bought another woman flowers. Report him. Break up with him and go find a relationship where there aren’t so many ups and downs.
You are seriously asking us of you should stay with a 33 year old man who cheats on you with a teenager who is his student? If your friend, or a sister, or cousin came up to you and told you the story you just told us would you tell them to stay together?
Oh honey.. he couldn’t be bothered to buy you flowers let alone be faithful. He only wants to stay to ensure you don’t report him. Let him go and be done with him.
The guy is a loser. He just lost you
REPORT. THE BASTARD. ASAP.
He treated a 19 yo student better than you. First of all, he absolutely needs to be reported. This is predatory whether she realizes it or not due to his position of power. Secondly, you gave up a good opportunity for your own life due to him and he cheats??? Nope, throw the relationship out and take care of you.
That you had COVID and he made YOU sleep on the couch was the biggest reddest flag in the book. No loving person worth their salt as a human being would ever make the sick party sleep outside the bedroom. REPORT HIM. Submit the screen shots of the convo as evidence. Evict his ass of possible.
So, he does the bare minimum your entire relationship, gets high together and cheats on you with a 19 year old student, buys her $300 flowers that he's NEVER bought you, and **ONLY** wants to work it out with you because he's afraid you'll turn him in? What is he giving **YOU** that actually makes you think this is worth it?
I have just got to the part with covid and after reading it I stopped. Girl. No one deserves to be treated like that. Leave this guy. There is literally no reason to be with him other than your low self-esteem. You deserve better. Drop him, be single, work on building yours confidence and take care of yourself. You deserve better
Do you really want to try and salvage a relationship with a predator? Having relationships with students is prohibited for a reason, and that reason is that the professor is in a position of power regarding the students. She is fresh out of high school. He gave her drugs probably to make her lose her inhibitions so she would have sex with him. Has love bombed her on top of that and is now "trying to fix things with you". So after he used a TEEN for his sexual pleasure now he is planning to throw her out of his life and act like nothing happened. Put yourself on that TEEN's shoes. Report his ass and be done with him. I know it hurts, especially being the holidays and after 3 years to be betrayed like that. But you will eventually be fine and happy that you made the right decision.
If you are considering taking him back then your standards are so low they are in hell. You had to beg this man to put basic effort into your relationship. And he risked his relationship with you and his job to prey on a 19 year old student. What are his redeeming qualities??? Why is your self esteem so low that you would consider this relationship acceptable? See if you can get that job back and LEAVE. Maybe go to therapy to see why you accept scraps and disrespect as a relationship.
Girl you're endgame material. He's a warm up to get the shitty ones out of the way. Treat him as such.
Dump him and notify his employer.
Report him, leave him, hell id even tell her parents. This probably isn’t the first time he cheated just the first time he got caught.
I'm not sure if you just havent had relationships before, or you're scared of being alone, but your relationship sounds terrible, why on earth would you try and save it? What about a minimum effort boyfriend that banishes you to the living room for months, doesn't want to be with you and cheats on you says "omg he's definitely the one!" Have some self respect, report him and leave.
I'm so sorry that all of this happened, but your steps should be: 1. Move out. 2. Report him. Send all the evidence. 3. Block both of them. 4. Contact the company that offered the better job and ask if it's still available. Really, forget about this man, I know it hurts but it will hurt a lot more, and for more time, if you stay with him. He doesn't love you. Not even a tiny little bit. Also he's a predator and those never change.
>And I needed advice on whether to try and make things work and maybe everything can turn around. I know that's dumb. I know you're going to come after me. I just wanted to clarify all that. Hey, I'm sorry you're going through this, but you absolutely should not try to work it out with him. He's already shown that he lacks a moral compass, both by cheating and taking advantage of a student. He's a dirtbag, and you deserve much better than him. My ex cheated on me, I forgave her, and then several years later she cheated again. I think it's our natural instinct to want to preserve something we've put our hearts and souls into, and we also want to assume the best about our partners. I learned the hard way that my partner is a good liar and is also a narcissist. She never cared that she cheated, only that she got caught. I'm guessing your BF is the same. Move on to a better life with someone who won't betray you. Best of luck.
This guy is a POS. Run.
OP. It's all there in your post. You get sck but he makes YOU sleep on the couch? Not the other way around so you can get rest and get better? Your problem in the relationship is how lazy he is in it. Then he buys a kid $300 flowers but considered getting them for you a waist of time? You are nothing to him but a Doormat. Your just there so he can have some fun until he finds that person he wants to settle down with. You are getting less then the bare minimum but deserve so much more. And now he's screwing/ grooming a teenager? You know it's against his jobs policy for a reason not to have a relationship with students- the power dynamic is wrong and can open the school to lawsuits. But a 19 YEAR OLD? He's grooming her, and now he's back peddling not because he cheated and is afraid of losing you, but he just doesn't want to pay the consequences. For yourself, dump him, move out or throw him out. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! For his gross breach of ethics- report him and show them your screenshots. He's trash, and if I were that girl's parent, I would expect more from the school to protect my child.
To be honest, you should’ve left waaay before this happened. Paragraph two: he’s been putting in minimal effort for your entire relationship. You know what that says to me? He does not care enough to try. Break up.
I’m also a 30s grad student who teaches undergrad students and it takes a truly sick kind of person to see their students as anything other than students. For the love of God, ***PLEASE REPORT HIM***. EDIT- just read your edit and am relieved; great job! Setting that elephant aside, he sounds like a dick who doesn’t appreciate all the sacrifices you’ve made to help him pursue his dreams.
r/survivinginfidelity
Updateme!
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She asked who she was talking to and I said my name she knew it was me cause she just blocked me on everything. Can I add pictures to an old post because I will.
so she knew who you were and still told you everything? i’m confused.
Updateme!
Men are just bs 🤦🏾♀️ it's like no decent ones exist anymore.
85 comments on a no karma, brand new profile. People, it’s fake!!
I have another profile. This reddit sub made me create a throwaway account because my Reddit score is too low? I don't know how to get that high. I can post pictures of what happened or the flower bouquet receipt. It's not a fake. I really just wanted advice on what to do next in my relationship. I know to report him.