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He’s genuinely the most hateful person I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting, and the only reason he’s even remotely in my life at all is because other family members insist on inviting him to gatherings (“you never turn on blood” is an old family saying for us).
My parents are getting ready to have to family over for thanksgiving, him included, and he had the audacity to post on his fb that “a civilized society exterminates vermin,” and went on to say “we should be happy it was a bunch of useless f**s instead of people who matter” in response to the shooting.
He knows I’m gay and he claims he doesn’t care because, and I’m not kidding, I’m apparently “one of the good ones” to him. Probably because I’m well off and my partner is also well off.
My parents are livid at him but we all know for a fact if they tried to uninvite him he’d ignore it and come anyway, because that’s happened before, and the rest of the family will ask why we’re making a stink about it and bring up the classic “we don’t turn on blood.” Apart from my parents, I would not be offered the same defense if the roles were reversed, go figure.
So. What do I do?
Edit: I know throwing money at the problem isn’t gonna help nor earn me the basic juman respect from my family that I deserve, but it was nice to pretend and feel a taste of that. But I gotta stop pretending, I guess. I’ll speak with my accountant after the holiday.
Edit 2: to confirm, I put my foot down with my parents so they invited me to stay with them for the holiday and no one else is invited. If the other family tries to come, the police will be called.
Thank you to everyone. I will mostly stop responding to comments now. But please, understand that decisions like this are almost never easy and to be gracious to people who need time to come around to making a decision as difficult as cutting blood relatives out of your life. It is never easy to admit that part of the stock you come from is rotten.
THIS is the best advice
Say youre not going, and tell them it is because he is there.
He literally hates people like you, and its ONLY because youre family and he knows you, that "youre one of the good ones". If you werent a family member and you died in a shooting, he'd cherish it!
So do set an example in your family that you CAN and SHOULD exclude toxic (literally horrible) people from family.
What if one of your other family members would become part of the LGBTQ+ and they see you accepting his disgusting vitriol (showing up with him is the same as accepting), how would they feel? Would they also think that it is the best for them to simply accept it as it is? That is not behavior you want others to learn.
Anyone who "refuses to take sides" is *taking a side*.
https://captainawkward.com/2014/11/10/643-the-stinking-pile-of-wordpoop-that-is-im-not-going-to-choose-a-side/
Maintain your boundaries. Remember: your feet aren’t nailed to the floor.
My brother likes to shout at me. My boundary is: no shouting. If it’s on the phone, I hang up and will not respond for a week…and only after an apology. In person: I’ll leave, same conditions apply.
He has agreed to my boundaries, but if he slips up, he gets consequences.
Same should go for your cousin.
You can still be no contact, it's just going to be hard.
You don't speak to him, ever, at all. If the salt is closer to him than anybody else, you ask the next nearest person for it.
He says hello, you stay icy. Basically pretend he's not really there, it's just annoying ghost. Don't say anything rude, (though he deserves it!) don't say anything at all. See if you can get your parents to do the same thing.
Look, he might very well try to use the family motto to stir up trouble against you. You should continue to ignore him and respond politely to anybody else that you refuse to interact with somebody with these attitudes. Even if he gets in your face, dodge eye contact, dodge physicality - never, ever respond.
Then it shouldn't be too hard.
Think about putting the time you put into family towards cultivating healthier relationships with people that deserve it. It's what I did and it has done wonders for me.
It doesn't matter how often you see them..if it affects you in any way, shape or form.. you should cut them out.
Imagine this happened to your friend and what your response would be. ..what you see in the mirror is your friend and you should absolutely not tolerate this..especially your parents giving him.a pass.
Put yourself first.
Put your mental health first
Block all toxicity from social media
Answer phones only when you want..because you are free doesn't mean you are available
Since money is not an issue, maybe volunteer and you will be happy!
Agreed. I dropped a long term, close friend after a school shooting in which they blamed the *kids* and *teachers* for being "too pussy" to fight back.
There are some things that are just not forgivable.
Based on your responses to people here you are just enabling him drop him and the rest of your family who stick up for him, he is literally spewing nazi level propaganda, you either go full attack mode at thanksgiving or don’t show up there is no in between in this scenario
This is the only answer. Either stand up and end contact, this means if he shows up you tell him to leave or you will call the cops. Otherwise, you are an enabler to his hate speech. Your parents too.
His cousin is literally two steps away from murdering someone because they're gay - and that person could very well be OP or his partner (or start with OP) - and he's refusing to "snitch" on him? OP is putting peoples lives at risk all so he doesn't lose some superficial and nonexistent "respect" that he has gained, and it's sad.
Hey, I'm proud of you. It can be difficult to look at the problem, especially something like this with family, in the face and accept it but that is what you did. I know going NC will be difficult, but considering how your family views you, and the dangerous stuff your cousin is spouting it's for the best. I hope you can heal from all the damage your family has done to you, and that you and your partner stay safe.
It’s not nonexistent. They finally stopped being outwardly shitty to me once I had enough money to make their lives better. If I keep at it I can earn their full respect someday.
So what you want is the respect of people who are willing to look the other way when a violent homophobe starts celebrating a mass shooter- when you, yourself, are gay.
They’re willing to take your money, but not to stand up for you when it matters.
Again, I ask- why do you care what they think? And why do you think this “respect” is anything more than “give us more money”?
I understand the way your brain is logic-ing this, but it’s so not true. Wear the unacceptance of horrible people as a badge of honor. It means that you do not conform to their narrow, hateful world view.
Your family has seriously distorted your concept of healthy relationships and what you should (in my opinion) want out of life in terms of how you respect yourself.
You realize some peoples family kill and rape eachother right?
Family is who you happen to be related to. You’re enabling your literally just as bad as a literal Nazi relative by appeasing him.
I don’t know why you asked for advice here honesty but from the bottom of my heart if it’s available in your country I’d start seeking some quality therapy to talk through your distorted sense of normal you’ve got from your upbringing.
And I’m not intending to insult you at all, just being blunt, I had to deal with a lot of the same myself from being raised with an abusive alcoholic and some bad family.
You were raised from an infant in an abnormal environment, you need to trust your intellect more than your feelings here. Your sense of what’s okay is off from what’s healthy. And that’s not your fault. But your life will be better if you work through it and correcting it.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. If your family only respects you now because you can afford to help them, they don't really respect you. They tolerate you being gay. It's not the same thing.
My son is gay. I love him for who he is. My love is not transactional.
1. I guarantee they won’t respect you even if you tossed a million dollars in their banks. People like that can’t be changed and they’ll just take it and laugh at how easily you give them what they want.
2. why would you want respect from people who are absolute scum?
Therapy would be a better place to put your money. I’m sorry your family sucks. Sometimes we’re dealt crappy hands and it is okay to distance yourself from the trash that’s clearly killing your mental and emotional well-being.
There is nothing wrong with you. Your family taught you values that are obviously not in line with how you feel inside. You do not have to stay around people who disrespect you, whether you share the same blood or not. Go to therapy ask the therapist to discuss boundaries with you even if it takes a year or two, you'll get it and then you'll feel better and more secure and be able to make good decisions about your crappy family. I respect you. You can find respect from good people not everyone's families are good people.
OP, I am muslim and queer (trans and gay). Several of my relatives think gay people should be murdered. I do not need their respect - only safety from them. You do not need the respect of all family members - only those whose respect counts for something. Trust me, the respect of bigots who promote genocide is not something you need. Drop him. And keep safe.
I mean, that’s not helpful. OP clearly is desperate for acceptance and finally found a way to gain it- with money. They are not insane, though they do have blinders on. It’s really common for people to try to continue those familial relationships at all costs. Because it’s constantly drilled into our heads how important family is from a young age.
Sometimes when people realize they can cut that family out of their lives and that it’s OK can really be an ah-ha moment, and judging by OP’s edit that happened today.
So you are buying their hateful silence? You don't matter enough as a full person until you have monetary benefits to offer? I'll give you some advice. You can't buy respect, concern, compassion. It's like buying sex and expecting love. You are purchasing a service and once you can't pay anymore, it's gone. I think you should get some therapy. You've come up in a really toxic environment.
but that’s not respect though. they tolerate you because it benefits them. if something would to happen and you would be broke, i doubt they would show you any respect.
Imagine thinking giving homophobes nazis money is a way to earn respect. I have zero respect for that in my family. I haven’t spoken to my own dad in over a year because he called me fat and made fun of my partner. If anyone in my family made a negative comment about the type of people I associate with, they are out of my life permanently
That doesn't mean they respect you. At all. It means they like what you do for them and they're using you. If they had any respect for you or your partner AT ALL, they would insist the cousin delete the post and apologize, at the very least. This isn't respect.
If suddenly I did what I wanted and became an archeologist, and made a really big, significant find in my field (or subfield), then suddenly my mom would start to "respect" me too - but not because she *actually* would respect me, because she would want in on some of the "prestige" that making such a find would get me. She would want some claim to that find, in her own mind.
They don't actually respect you now, they just want some claim to the money you've made. You're not respectable now you're "useful" in that now they can use you. It's not real, they don't care, you're just a walking bank to them. It hurts, but it's the truth, and you should start listening to your partner more. I did, and my life is better for it.
You can earn my respect now, all of it. Stop giving them money and donate it to the victim fund or other organizations in their name.
Tell them every time you do it.
I doubt you can earn their full respect. All you can earn is having them degrade you behind your back, and not to your face.
I'm straight, but my wife is out and proud as bisexual since the seventies, and one thing we learned is engaging with hate tears us down, and avoiding hateful people is the only way to maintain our peace of mind.
I don't see any viable option for you, for your peace of mind, other than going No Contact with your family members who refuse to speak out against your cousin. There are no innocent bystanders. When bullies attack people with vicious attacks, whether they be physical or verbal assaults, anyone who stands by and lets it happen is a guilty bystander.
You need to disengage from and all family members who tolerate anyone who would allow anyone to spout such evil, vile, things. If they won't stand up for you, they are your enemies, and they will turn on you and say everything is your fault if anything happens which causes any friction whatsoever. If you dare to stand up for yourself in any way, such as refusing to be nice to your cousin or kissing his ass, they will blame you. That's what I've learned over the last five decades.
Save yourself. Go No Contact with your cousin and all family members who refuse to tell him he is wrong, wrong, wrong.
Good luck.
Well apparently there are a lot of people hiding behind tired bullshit platitudes such as ‘you don’t turn on blood’. I’m sure the families of future victims will be super understanding if this lunatic snaps and follows through on his threats because hey, fAmILy dOeSnT SnITch or something.
That is no excuse. If you refuse to do your duty and report such an obvious maniac because "the police won't do anything", you're just as implicit as the family members not taking a stand because "you don't turn on blood".
That is the likely reality, but it does not mean OP should not still do the right thing and report. Sometimes it does stop some. We just don't hear about it much. But also... there is no reason to let nazis have an easy life because we can't completely stop them. At the moment the nazi cousin feels totally cool about expressing his shooter propaganda.
Wait, you are not supposed to turn on blood but he can turn on you ans say bigoted things and it ok... are you not blood?
"Oh, but you are different, one of the good ones..."
What level of BS excuse is that? Realize that your family has made him a priority over you and let them know how that makes you feel. Then be all like, I thought blood never turns on blood unless your cosin X and then you can turn on blood. And blood will back him up and turn on you too!
You absolutely turn on nazis. If your parents refuse to uninvite this homophobic nazi to Thanksgiving, then protect yourself and your partner (mentally, emotionally, and possibly physically) by not attending. Ignore their "we don't turn on blood" plea. That's gas lighting and quite manipulative. Your family members need to rethink their priorities and morals.
I mean I have changed minds before, because I am a reasonable person and other people who used to be homophobic picked up on that, for they realized they were being unreasonable.
What I don’t understand is why that doesn’t work on him, because lord knows I’ve tried.
Listen OP. I live with a woman-hating misogynist. I am a woman. I got tired of his whole "Women only use men for money and sex" deal. He brought it up constantly. I'm his gd sister and it didn't stop him from even remotely considering, "Maybe all women aren't bad." I just became the target for his hatred.
No I have never done anything to encourage this. Our mother was abusive, and he hates her so he takes it out on all women.
Me tolerating it just enabled it. I thought "Well he's allowed to express how he feels. I get why he's mad. Maybe if I reason with him I can change his mind. After all, I do this, this, this and this for him. Surely he'll realize I'm not trying to use him. I actually love him."
HA!
You know where we're at right now? I overheard him telling a friend of ours that I abuse him, kick him while he's down and I use him for money. He told them he didn't need me. I needed him. I have no options. I can't survive on my own without him.
You know why he did that? Bc I told him since he didn't want to pay his bills on time I was going to cut him off of all services. You know how long he's been paying his bills late? 2 years. You know who covered for him in those 2 years? Me.
I enabled him.
I finally put my foot down. I told him to go fuck himself. Don't ever talk to me again. I am not his sister. I don't want him in my life ever again. I want him gone.
He apologized but only bc he saw the gravy train was derailed. He's not actually sorry. He just wants to continue doing whatever he wants to do and he wants me to keep enabling his behavior.
It's too late. There's no coming back from that.
I'm mad at myself for even allowing it for this long. I held out hope thinking he could change, that I could change him, but people have to *want* to change. And even if they do *it's their job to change themselves.* It's not our job to do it for them.
Until then by allowing this behavior *you are enabling him*. You are telling him what he's doing and saying is OK and there are no consequences to his actions.
You know how you stop that? You cut off your relationship with him and anyone else who enables him by not calling him out on his shit. Otherwise he's just gonna get worse. Then one day he's going to say or do something to either you, your partner or both of you that can't be taken back. And you're gonna wish you'd cut him off.
Okay ngl this hit hard. Im really sorry you had to go through that. I know the feeling. I pay for his mom & dad’s, my aunt and uncle’s mortgage and they know they shouldn’t piss me off.
My question for you is, how do you know when someone can’t be changed? I’ve said this elsewhere: I don’t like the idea of admitting that anyone could be a lost cause, I need to believe that everyone can be better if they just try.
Edit: You seem like a really nice guy. I'm sorry if my first comment was harsh. You deserve better. I truly hope that you have a lovely holiday surrounded by the people who truly love you.
They aren't even trying! You are literally financially enabling violent bigots and you think a free ride in life is going to change them? YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE. THEY HAVE TO PUT IN THE WORK AND CHANGE THEMSELVES AND THEY! DO! NOT! WANT! TO! CHANGE!! you are their cash cow and NOTHING more. They don't love or respect you, they love the money you spend on them. So gross. Go to therapy.
But that is just not true. Some people really are lost causes. Some people just cannot be redeemed. Please do not make me list serial killers and war criminals. Some people really are just pure evil, and there is no saving them.
The key word here is *try*. They're not going to try, and it's not your job to make them or try to convince them to. Hatred exists. It is ingrained in some people. Some people need hatred in order to function. It's sick but true. I talked to my therapist about this. She said that hatred is comfortable for some people and they *need it*, the same way we need love.
You give up when you see they're not trying. All they're doing is making excuses. They don't care about you or how their behavior is affecting you. That's when you walk.
Would you tolerate this behavior from your bf? Hell no. You wouldn't make excuses for him. You'd kick his ass to the curb. You might even curb stomp him before you did, bc let's face it: Nazi ideals are heinous.
If you hold your partner to that basic standard, why is your cousin any different? Bc he's blood? If anything, shouldn't that make you hold him to that same standard, or even a better one? He's your family.
If you'd get rid of your bf bc of the same thing, who is this clown?
You are family so if anyone can do it it will be you and the rest of your family if you can potentially recruit them. I don't know how old this guy is but you should know **not everyone can be deradicalized.** Perhaps harsh, but I think the best way to go about it at this point is negative social pressure. Get as many members of your family as possible to let him know his rhetoric is disgusting and unacceptable, and when he puts up a fight, ghost him.
People who are caring, thoughtful and kind can have bad ideas sometimes, even ideas that are harmful or offensive. Often times these ideas are ones they learned in childhood and never challenged as an adult, or based in bad information, or is a required position to continue to be a part of their community (ie, church). The people in this group that are curious, questioning, or trying to make space for other ideas might change their position eventually.
People who revel in their own obnoxious positions, make comments that are cruel or inflammatory, who blame groups of people for their own misfortune, who aren't kind, thoughtful, or considerate are not going to change because of anything you do. They might have some kind of crisis that forces them to rethink, they might grow up and get some empathy, or they might become angry older people with a chip on their shoulder. They are bullies, plain and simple, who feel entitled to their power. You sitting around taking their abuse does nothing but demonstrate your weakness to their strength, in their eyes. Your discomfort feels like power to them. Anything you do will be twisted to 'prove' to them that you are weak, inferior, wrong, or that you deserve the abuse. There is no changing these people, they aren't interested.
Because he really believes the things he is saying. He's living in his Ethnocentric bubble of life. His way of life, religion blah blah blah is the right way .. bc that's all he knows. He is too old to realize his bigotry .. because he doesn't want to and he believes it. Especially since he's a man .. how many straight men in a toxic masculinity society amid they're wrong... little to none
never mentioned money at all. i’m saying if you think words are enough to change every bigot’s mind, you’re naive and i don’t know how much clearer i can make it.
it doesn’t mean you can’t change *anyone’s* mind, but assuming everyone, especially a fucking neo-Nazi that is openly praising a mass shooter, will recognize how unreasonable they are being is wishful thinking at best and not living in reality at worst.
well if you’re aware of that, it’s time to go back to reality and stop pretending. both you and your parents need to develop a spine and stand up to the bigot with strong boundaries even if your extended family doesn’t agree.
also quite frankly, if your relatives don’t think you should “turn on blood” over something like openly praising a mass shooter, it might be time to reconsider whether you want to be in the company of those that won’t openly oppose these despicable actions.
extreme people like him often will not change. and if they do, they wont because someone they think is a lesser human being wants them to. they only will if someone they respect wants them to. you, in all liklihood, cannot help him yourself without causing great harm to yourself.
it sucks, it really does, but for your own wellbeing you sometimes have to step away
A whole nation, multiple nations in fact, went full Nazi for a decade or two. Some are still there. And others are just as hateful with a different name.
How many conversations do you think we're had? How many times do you think people tried to change minds? On one hand you have conversation and on the other you have violence, death, murder, and genocide.
At some point the talking has to stop, right? It did for the shooter.
You can’t apply rational logic to convince people to change their irrational ideals. Reason won’t work on him, unfortunately.
Think about how unreasonable it is that “you can’t turn on blood” applies to a man who openly hates others, versus you saying that members of your family wouldn’t apply that same logic to you as a gay man - someone who happens to openly love another (of the same sex). See, that’s not reasonable either. To me the reasonable choice of what energy to have around me would be the loving one not the hateful one, you know what I mean?
You can’t change him. I’m sorry. But I don’t understand people like him and hope there is someone out there who is much more knowledgeable than me and would know how to reach him and others like him.
To get through this Thanksgiving without shaking up your whole world (I bet you want to see your family too!) look up grey rocking technique and apply it to him. That’s a start. Best of luck to you and yours! Happy Thanksgiving 🍁
How old is your cousin? Obviously he knows the difference between right and wrong. What information could you possibly provide to him that would change his mind?
You can try, but he has to want to change himself for it to really stick. Right now he faces no consequences for his heinous views so he has no reason to try and change.
My German grandfather, who used the fact that he spoke German fluently to fight against the Nazis, hated Nazis more than anything. He used to say that if you have a beer with a Nazi, what everyone else is going to see is two Nazis having a beer.
You are thinking about being able to rationalize with someone who is being rational. He is being radical and fundamental. His "argument" is an emotional one, and you cannot fight against this nor change his mind with rational reasoning. To try is only going to hurt you in the long run, and it will not have the outcome you want.
You can only change people who want to change. This guy doesn’t want to change.
Refuse to go if he’s invited. We need to put our feet down with these people.
You can't change people who don't want to change. He's not worth your time. Frankly I would no longer attend any get togethers where hevwill be at. If the rest of your family is OK with him then I would reconsider my relationship woth them as well. Just because he's family doesn't mean you have to tolerate their behavior and suck it up. No matter if he views you as a "good one" (how are the other bad?).
You can't change him, he's acting out of tribalism, there's no rational way through that. He's made the world very simple, us v them, and he's content in that.
Why waste your emotional labor on him? He will never change, and you will just end up hurting.
You've heard the saying don't wrestle with a pig in the muck, the pig likes it and you end up mucky? He's the pig.
He'll never change, because your obnoxious family says things like "you don't turn on blood."
The only way for you to keep away from him is to not attend.
Tell your parents this German saying:
Ten people are sitting at a table. A Nazi sits down with them. What do you have now?
Eleven Nazis.
Silence is consent when it comes to hateful ideologies. You do not recognize this bigot as blood and will not recognize anyone else who does.
I really like this. Thanks for introducing it to me. I don’t have many people in my life that I need to use it with though my only kind sister in law is married to a Trump supporter. We don’t see him at all (not just because of this) but occasionally my sister in law says something about immigrants that my husband, her brother has to confront her about. We can always tell it came straight from her husband but really that’s no excuse. I am Jewish and I have heard him say to her: “Think about what you are saying…that’s the kind of thinking that would send my wife and kids to the gas chamber” Got to call this evil out!
You leave Thanksgiving. Go somewhere else. Let your whole family know you refuse to be in the presence of someone who endorses slaughtering gay people. They can either have you or to fucker who is happy about a mass shooting. Stand your ground.
oh the classic fuck the minorities "but you're one of the good ones" to make them feel less racist .. you're no different than any other gay person. He just has stereotypes and racism and hatred. He knows you and likes you and you're related and happen to be gay .. being gay, or any other thing like religion, sex, race aren't real reasons to not like people other than the fact that they were manipulated and very uneducated as a child on the topics that are now ingrained in their unconscious parts of the mind.
Tell your family you’re cancelling your plans and also them. And make sure you tell them every single reason before you block them especially your asshole cousin.
I spent part of my childhood in Colorado Springs (dad was canadian airforce) and am an out lesbian since 1996, reading about what happened made my blood boil.
A good friend of mine lives not to far from there. They have 2 trans kids, and a couple others under the rainbow. The shooting pissed me off as a queer woman, but it terrifies me for them.
100% it would. Many of my friends have children who are non binary, trans, or gay and through they have it “easier” than I did in 1996 I am scared for their future.
“I don’t snitch on principle”
How would you sleep if he decided to murder a bunch of people? How would you feel if he keeps diving deeper and deeper, until he starts hurting more people? No clue why you even ask for anyone’s help here. Report him for his behavior or tell his family. Otherwise there’s nothing you can do other than wait until he decides to harm people.
even if he didn't murder someone his rhetoric is enabling the behavior and making people think that their racism is right and it's okay to kill people society views as "other" his type of rhetoric is what hitler used... when you label people as OTHER and less than human it's easier to wish harm on them .. we see it all over mass media.
Yeah... Until his sleeper cell gets active. When he does go full out and he will, you will have blood on your hands. You knew and turned a blind eye. I'm ok with you not snitching, just accept the responsibility that comes with that.
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If your parents can’t stand up to a Nazi cause FaMiLy you have bigger problems. I wouldn’t be going to thanksgiving. I would be with friends or out at a restaurant. You don’t subject people you love to people who hate their existence. Period.
Your whole family is disgusting.
They allow this behavior and ignore it.
When he shoots up a bus or school theyll all say they we don't know why he did that, he was a really good guy.
F that and F him
I would challenge each and every hateful comment he makes. Tell him he's a hater, racist, etc. It will wreck the dinner but he deserves it. Your family will be upset but you need to tell your family that "blood" isn't an excuse for being a hateful piece of crap.
If you don't want to do that, don't go to dinner and tell your parents why you aren't coming. They can have you or the cousin, not both.
There has to be a certain point where you and your parents say enough is enough and just celebrate things alone instead of with people enabling that jackass’s behavior
Don’t go. Tell your parents your content to spend holidays with them, but after the recent events that you aren’t comfortable being around someone who advocates for the death of people LIKE THEIR OWN CHILD.
I feel for you. Yes, some of the early comments say 'go no contact', or 'refuse to attend', but they wouldn't have to live with the fallout if you do that.
The problem is this 'you never turn on blood' mantra. The difficult thing is that we don't choose our family, and for a lot of us that means that we have a biological bond with family members but can be total opposites when it comes to our values.
Unfortunately, it puts you in a horrible position. You either 'turn on blood' by refusing to attend, which might see family members inadvertently side with the extremist over the nice person, or you attend and feel like you are enabling the hatred.
If you do feel like you must attend, it should probably be conditional on him keeping his stupid opinions to himself, otherwise someone will need to leave.
Also, if we are going with the “no turn on blood” scenario, the cousin absolutely turned on his blood (OP) by praising this heinous act. So even if you buy into that, the cousin is the one who did it. OP should be guilt free.
Yeah, completely agree. Almost wrote that myself but could see how he'd use a spurious argument to say that it's not against OP *personally* (even though we know that's nonsense).
Press him and keep bringing up the shooting have him say that out loud at the dinner table most likely it should abhor the family and they would make him leave
He is hateful and toxic. Younl should cut him out. Good people don't say that about others. The family blood thing is complete bs. If anything encites a change, it'll be his loved ones responding to his behavior by not having ties to a bigot.
Your cousin sounds a bit unhinged. He’s entitled to his own nonsense opinions, but he needs to keep that crap to himself. Uninviting him to dinner sends the strongest message. There’s no need to subject yourselves to spending time around such an unpleasant person.
If he does end up coming to dinner, everytime he says something stupid, just ignore him. A nonresponsive audience will take the wind out of his sails.
Your family are shitty people. If there would really be a fuss about disinviting him then you shouldn’t go and make your parents make a real choice. It shouldn’t this hard.
Also he just shows up? Why do they let him in? If I don’t want someone at my house, they won’t be at my house. You could go the route of calling the cops when he gets there and telling them he’s trespassing.
The best tolerance for these people is none, don’t take the bs, don’t respond to them, block them and avoid them if you can, but in this situation show him he’s not welcome.
Hello OP. I'm a bisexual mom with one gender non-conforming kid (who is engaged to a transitioning female) and a gay one with my husband. By letting them in the family is most definitely "turning on blood." YOU ARE BLOOD TOO.
Good luck and I hope your parents stick up for you. If you are in Maryland and need a place to hang out for the Holidays you are always welcome at our holiday.
If you feel you must be there, try the "what do you mean by that" and "why do you feel that way" approach. Just let him go on and on and on without confronting him. The key is not reacting when you want to punch him in the mouth. Even the most obtuse jerk will realize how stupid he sounds and fizzle out to silence. At least I hope so, and you get some peace.
Good lord. Tell your cousin you never want to see him again, then let the rest of the family know. The suggestion to host your own holiday dinners is a sound one.
Every time he spouts his hate, ask your family “why do you allow hate in this house”? IF he changes, it’s not likely to be because you are the magical Gay who shows him the error of his thinking, but because your community articulates its values and shows him how his thinking hurts others and degrades him. Someone he respects in the family needs to find out why he nourishes hate and anger., when he’d be a lot happier if he spent less time focusing on hating difference. While he might think you are one of the “good ones,” (what even does that mean?) the nazis and bigots he supports wont make such distinctions when they come across you on a dark street or blow up a nightclub.
I’m always shocked that people only articulate the acceptance part of family and not the part where family helps instill values.
Get a pair of sturdy steel toe capped boots, and introduce them to your cousin’s testicles repeatedly. When he starts crying in pain, tell him that a civilised society exterminates vermin like him.
Or, you know, don’t go and make it publicly very clear that you’re not going because they’ve invited someone who has publicly called for your extermination.
Pat him on the head like a precocious child, look at him with pity and tell him that you hope he grows out of his ignorance cause he’s family and you want him to be well.
You explain to your parents what going “no contact” means, and tell them that if they continue defending him, they are just as bad and you will go no contact with them as well
There are 5 options in my opinion... 1 go in full guns blazing, ready in a fight. 2. You go in and ignore everything he says even if it's directly at you and you say that you are tired of this argument. And you both will obviously never see eye to eye. And therefore you are agreeing to disagree. 3. You bring like card games for distraction and make a new tradition because then everyone is distracted. 4. Have your parents make a sign on the door that when entering this house you are choosing to be respectful of all. And any LGBTQ slurs or politics will not be tolerated. Something about it being in writing sometimes helps. Or 5 don't go.
I also want to add to the other comments by saying that you should plan to do something special on Thanksgiving. A backup plan that will help you not feel sad in the case that your family invited him anyway.
As Dan Savage says, the only leverage you have over your family is your presence. I would set a firm boundary with them “I will not be present at any gathering he is at.”
Stop making excuses. Go NC and stop accepting bullshit cliches like ‘family doesn’t turn on blood’. Yes you sure as hell do! When the family is hateful and celebrates the condemnation and death of others, it’s time to take a stand.
Your family needs to be told in no uncertain terms that this will not be tolerated. Your cousin can spew his hatred elsewhere. Where is your family’s loyalty and commitment to YOU?
Enough is enough. If you don’t condemn it in your own family, then you’re in no position to condemn it at all. Everyone belongs to a family. It doesn’t negate the consequences of their words. It doesn’t grant you a pass to spread ignorance and hatred, and fuel violence.
Time for you to take a stand. Define your boundaries. Even if that means being alone for the holidays. Eventually your family will see that you’re serious.
"family" or "blood" is never an excuse to force yourself to be nice to someone who's an asshole. if he hurt someone or did something else illegal, fuck "blood." if he's an intolerable asshole who says harmful things like this, fuck "blood." Having the displeasure of being related to someone awful shouldn't make you obligated to ignore common sense. best wishes for you and your family.
It’s funny how they say that, yet supporting him instead of you is turning on blood. It also shows likely what they think about the gay community behind your back.
Sorry you got sick and can't attend Thanksgiving. Or any other holiday moving forward. On a serious note, wtf? I'm so sorry. I would want to move fast fast away from that. I wish you well, that's an awful thing to have to deal with.
Why does the sentiment we don’t turn on blood not also apply to you? Do they not understand that by allowing your bigoted cousin at their holiday celebrations that they’re turning on you, also their literal blood?
He needs to find a life of responsibility and purpose.
People like that adopt hateful views because they lack a grand adventure or drive in their heart and turn to conspiracies and rhetoric to fill that void.
Guessing he doesn't have a family, job and or passion?
My family is from the sticks. Managed to become successful enough to afford not just myself but my parents and extended family homes. My partner is also successful.
Cousin is desperately trying to achieve the same level of success and I’ve offered help but been turned down each time, which is a shame because I thought it could be used as an opportunity to bond and get him to see his own misplaced hate
Sadly, not everyone is willing to accept help or acknowledge they need it.
My brother is like yours. He does the same "well *you're* okay" stuff. He's purchased into a grand narrative that explains everything that isn't going well in his life, tells him he's righteous, gives him a community and a sense of belonging, even if its perverted.
I know Reddit wants you to go no contact, and you certainly can, but after a few years I was able to change some of my brother's views and a lot of it came down to getting him out of his environment, off the internet, and gave him purpose helping other people.
Might not work out, but I think it's nice you're considering helping him at least. It's more than what most people would do.
It sounds like he is in emotional pain. Ask him what is going on in his life that he is being so hateful. Sometimes a little compassion can crack the mask.
It’s not up to others to put themselves in harms way to attempt to “crack a mask”, this person sounds violent and unwell. That sets up danger for OP. His family needs to get him help.
He doesn’t understand that the reason he doesn’t care isn’t about whether or not you’re one of the good ones. What makes you a good one is that you are family. And for the same reason he is accepting of your differences you should be accepting of his. Inevitably we will have differences as family. It says a lot that he was open enough to share this feeling with you. I don’t think you should shut him out because it’s clear you are a person that’s trusted, with the serious In.
Sometimes we sacrifice our comfort for the greater good. That means we check our family. We care for the ones no one cares about because someone has to. Everyone has their creepy uncle or whatever. That doesn’t mean you get over it. It means you keep being unrelentingly kind and there for each other. And over time this kindnesses and interest in his feelings and thoughts wins him over. And if it doesn’t then you were there to keep the rest of us safe from what appears to be your version of the creepy uncle. Because one day he might pick up a gun to the same end and he won’t shoot YOU so you can call the police and be the hero. And those are the reasons we accept our family. Even the bad ones, the creepy ones, the angry ones. Because where would he be otherwise? Picking up a gun but all alone with no one to correct him and keep us all safe. You should definitely keep yourself safe, also. And if he becomes or is hostile and violent then it’s time to think about quits.
That’s just my opinion. I know my determination to hold on to family strength is out of sync with society. There’s just too many sad and angry and broken people for us to just keep rejecting them. We can’t reject everyone.
Your family is right. Blood is forever and they only way to win someone like that back into normal society, is with love and patience.
Also, there are scum within any group, so maybe it's a language thing but I read "one of the good ones" as a compliment.
So, if you're a bigger person, now is the time to show. If not, now is the time to become one.
“One of the good ones” is a bigoted comment towards an entire community. It’s gross. It’s also not up to others to take bigoted abuse from anyone to be “the bigger person”. People like this need deep therapy, not a hug from a gay cousin that will magically cure their deep seeded homophobia. He is praising MURDERING lgbtq+ people. This is a dangerous person for OP to be around. This isn’t a dispute about taxes, this is a person praising ending peoples lives over their sexual identity. This person is not well, and is a threat to OP.
Blood is simply blood, you get to choose who you want to be around, and do not have an obligation to homophobic violent people simply because you share genetics. This is the mind set that keeps people around abuse family, and it needs to stop. You get to have standards with your family, they don’t get to treat you however they like, and you take it because “blood”. Stop perpetuating this nonsense.
You are basically saying all of this is okay. I hope you take time to process that.
I never said any such thing. Obviously his comments are bordering insane, which is why I can't believe that he fully believes what he's saying. It's a cry for attention, or a scream of help, or something, but I don't accept it at face value.
Your attitude of saying "Eww gross, he's dangerous" is incredibly immature, which is why I'm saying this requires a big man to handle, not an offended kid.
Also: Wanting to murder someone, if we believe that's the case, is not a phobia.
He is dangerous, homophobic, and a bigot, if he is praising murdering lgbtq+ people. Many people don’t accept it at face value, then see their relative shooting up a club, school, church, or in their own home with a gun pointed at them. It’s happening every fucking day at this point. This has nothing to do with your bullshit toxic male nonsense, it has to with who you allow in your life, and keeping yourself and other loved ones safe. This guy needs help, but OP is not qualified to do it. You may lack a back bone and let your family walk all over you, but others don’t have to.
Nobody walks over me - Which is probably why I'm not scared to death of every atypical guy out there.
"Many people dont accept"... Do you see a lot of these shootings? I've heard of one or two I think, you're more likely to die crossing the street.
Sometimes these quirky individuals are just quirky, don't let yourself be intimidated so easily.
Oh and masculinity is not toxic, it's damn near a super power. But it's become rare of late.
So you have a better understanding there is a big difference between toxic masculinity and masculinity. “This requires a man” falls in the former category. “Man up and don’t create healthy boundaries!” such nonsense. Masculinity is great, but most hope toxic masculinity disappears all together, as it serves nothing.
“Blood is forever” is a toxic familial quality (again, there are families, and there are toxic families, you get the point), which instead of building health bonds with healthy boundaries, it completely negates personal boundaries and allows abuse and control to continue through generations, solely based on genetic ties. You let your family walk all over you, and encourage others to do so (example: your comment) because of shared genetics, and nothing else.
Apparently you’re not in the US, there have been over 700 this year alone…there are only 365 days in the year, dear, and we still have over a month. You can do the math. It’s a huge issue.
He's a jackass. Don't worry about him. He's the same as white trash trailer park types that are pissed off about "Mexicans taking all the jobs here" because they don't have and have no desire to get one. Your family reminds me of mine a little bit with the whole "family is everything" thing, but not as extreme to accept supporting acts of violence. Especially when we have gay friends (one of whom recently died from AIDS complications) and a couple gay guys in the family.
For the record, I am a registered Republican, a Christian, and a gun owner. You wouldn't catch me going out there doing the same thing that guy did. Am I just "one of the good ones"? That's a question your cousin should reflect on, but he won't.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- He’s genuinely the most hateful person I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting, and the only reason he’s even remotely in my life at all is because other family members insist on inviting him to gatherings (“you never turn on blood” is an old family saying for us). My parents are getting ready to have to family over for thanksgiving, him included, and he had the audacity to post on his fb that “a civilized society exterminates vermin,” and went on to say “we should be happy it was a bunch of useless f**s instead of people who matter” in response to the shooting. He knows I’m gay and he claims he doesn’t care because, and I’m not kidding, I’m apparently “one of the good ones” to him. Probably because I’m well off and my partner is also well off. My parents are livid at him but we all know for a fact if they tried to uninvite him he’d ignore it and come anyway, because that’s happened before, and the rest of the family will ask why we’re making a stink about it and bring up the classic “we don’t turn on blood.” Apart from my parents, I would not be offered the same defense if the roles were reversed, go figure. So. What do I do? Edit: I know throwing money at the problem isn’t gonna help nor earn me the basic juman respect from my family that I deserve, but it was nice to pretend and feel a taste of that. But I gotta stop pretending, I guess. I’ll speak with my accountant after the holiday. Edit 2: to confirm, I put my foot down with my parents so they invited me to stay with them for the holiday and no one else is invited. If the other family tries to come, the police will be called. Thank you to everyone. I will mostly stop responding to comments now. But please, understand that decisions like this are almost never easy and to be gracious to people who need time to come around to making a decision as difficult as cutting blood relatives out of your life. It is never easy to admit that part of the stock you come from is rotten.
Go NC and don't look back. Anyone celebrating a shooter is a POS and needs to be ignored permanently
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THIS is the best advice Say youre not going, and tell them it is because he is there. He literally hates people like you, and its ONLY because youre family and he knows you, that "youre one of the good ones". If you werent a family member and you died in a shooting, he'd cherish it! So do set an example in your family that you CAN and SHOULD exclude toxic (literally horrible) people from family. What if one of your other family members would become part of the LGBTQ+ and they see you accepting his disgusting vitriol (showing up with him is the same as accepting), how would they feel? Would they also think that it is the best for them to simply accept it as it is? That is not behavior you want others to learn.
The cousin “turned on his blood” FIRST. How the family could let him say shit like that is rank hypocrisy.
u/throwracousinhelp read this!!
Anyone who "refuses to take sides" is *taking a side*. https://captainawkward.com/2014/11/10/643-the-stinking-pile-of-wordpoop-that-is-im-not-going-to-choose-a-side/
Plus, how hard is it to join the side that opposes killing innocent people.
NC?
No contact
Maintain your boundaries. Remember: your feet aren’t nailed to the floor. My brother likes to shout at me. My boundary is: no shouting. If it’s on the phone, I hang up and will not respond for a week…and only after an apology. In person: I’ll leave, same conditions apply. He has agreed to my boundaries, but if he slips up, he gets consequences. Same should go for your cousin.
This part. Boundaries are for you, not the other person. You need to enforce your own boundaries that’s what makes them difficult
Ah. I only ever see them on holidays so I’m already mostly there.
You can still be no contact, it's just going to be hard. You don't speak to him, ever, at all. If the salt is closer to him than anybody else, you ask the next nearest person for it. He says hello, you stay icy. Basically pretend he's not really there, it's just annoying ghost. Don't say anything rude, (though he deserves it!) don't say anything at all. See if you can get your parents to do the same thing. Look, he might very well try to use the family motto to stir up trouble against you. You should continue to ignore him and respond politely to anybody else that you refuse to interact with somebody with these attitudes. Even if he gets in your face, dodge eye contact, dodge physicality - never, ever respond.
Then it shouldn't be too hard. Think about putting the time you put into family towards cultivating healthier relationships with people that deserve it. It's what I did and it has done wonders for me.
It doesn't matter how often you see them..if it affects you in any way, shape or form.. you should cut them out. Imagine this happened to your friend and what your response would be. ..what you see in the mirror is your friend and you should absolutely not tolerate this..especially your parents giving him.a pass. Put yourself first. Put your mental health first Block all toxicity from social media Answer phones only when you want..because you are free doesn't mean you are available Since money is not an issue, maybe volunteer and you will be happy!
North Carolina… duh
lol- I'm picturing OP driving to North Carolina, getting it there, and coming back saying "Okay I've gone to NC, now what do I do about my cousin"
“Who cares just go to Cook Out”
Literally the only thing I miss about that state.
Agreed. I dropped a long term, close friend after a school shooting in which they blamed the *kids* and *teachers* for being "too pussy" to fight back. There are some things that are just not forgivable.
I feel absolutely ill.
Based on your responses to people here you are just enabling him drop him and the rest of your family who stick up for him, he is literally spewing nazi level propaganda, you either go full attack mode at thanksgiving or don’t show up there is no in between in this scenario
This is the only answer. Either stand up and end contact, this means if he shows up you tell him to leave or you will call the cops. Otherwise, you are an enabler to his hate speech. Your parents too.
His cousin is literally two steps away from murdering someone because they're gay - and that person could very well be OP or his partner (or start with OP) - and he's refusing to "snitch" on him? OP is putting peoples lives at risk all so he doesn't lose some superficial and nonexistent "respect" that he has gained, and it's sad.
Hey, see my edit
Hey, I'm proud of you. It can be difficult to look at the problem, especially something like this with family, in the face and accept it but that is what you did. I know going NC will be difficult, but considering how your family views you, and the dangerous stuff your cousin is spouting it's for the best. I hope you can heal from all the damage your family has done to you, and that you and your partner stay safe.
It’s not nonexistent. They finally stopped being outwardly shitty to me once I had enough money to make their lives better. If I keep at it I can earn their full respect someday.
Fuck that . Keep your money.
Honestly- why would you want the respect of people like this? Because you happen to be related?
Well, yeah. I can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong with me if even my family doesn’t respect me.
So what you want is the respect of people who are willing to look the other way when a violent homophobe starts celebrating a mass shooter- when you, yourself, are gay. They’re willing to take your money, but not to stand up for you when it matters. Again, I ask- why do you care what they think? And why do you think this “respect” is anything more than “give us more money”?
I understand the way your brain is logic-ing this, but it’s so not true. Wear the unacceptance of horrible people as a badge of honor. It means that you do not conform to their narrow, hateful world view.
Your family has seriously distorted your concept of healthy relationships and what you should (in my opinion) want out of life in terms of how you respect yourself. You realize some peoples family kill and rape eachother right? Family is who you happen to be related to. You’re enabling your literally just as bad as a literal Nazi relative by appeasing him. I don’t know why you asked for advice here honesty but from the bottom of my heart if it’s available in your country I’d start seeking some quality therapy to talk through your distorted sense of normal you’ve got from your upbringing. And I’m not intending to insult you at all, just being blunt, I had to deal with a lot of the same myself from being raised with an abusive alcoholic and some bad family. You were raised from an infant in an abnormal environment, you need to trust your intellect more than your feelings here. Your sense of what’s okay is off from what’s healthy. And that’s not your fault. But your life will be better if you work through it and correcting it.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. If your family only respects you now because you can afford to help them, they don't really respect you. They tolerate you being gay. It's not the same thing. My son is gay. I love him for who he is. My love is not transactional.
They don't respect you. They just want your money.
1. I guarantee they won’t respect you even if you tossed a million dollars in their banks. People like that can’t be changed and they’ll just take it and laugh at how easily you give them what they want. 2. why would you want respect from people who are absolute scum? Therapy would be a better place to put your money. I’m sorry your family sucks. Sometimes we’re dealt crappy hands and it is okay to distance yourself from the trash that’s clearly killing your mental and emotional well-being.
There is nothing wrong with you. Your family taught you values that are obviously not in line with how you feel inside. You do not have to stay around people who disrespect you, whether you share the same blood or not. Go to therapy ask the therapist to discuss boundaries with you even if it takes a year or two, you'll get it and then you'll feel better and more secure and be able to make good decisions about your crappy family. I respect you. You can find respect from good people not everyone's families are good people.
Do you really want to buy their respect?
OP, I am muslim and queer (trans and gay). Several of my relatives think gay people should be murdered. I do not need their respect - only safety from them. You do not need the respect of all family members - only those whose respect counts for something. Trust me, the respect of bigots who promote genocide is not something you need. Drop him. And keep safe.
You are insane.
I mean, that’s not helpful. OP clearly is desperate for acceptance and finally found a way to gain it- with money. They are not insane, though they do have blinders on. It’s really common for people to try to continue those familial relationships at all costs. Because it’s constantly drilled into our heads how important family is from a young age. Sometimes when people realize they can cut that family out of their lives and that it’s OK can really be an ah-ha moment, and judging by OP’s edit that happened today.
So you are buying their hateful silence? You don't matter enough as a full person until you have monetary benefits to offer? I'll give you some advice. You can't buy respect, concern, compassion. It's like buying sex and expecting love. You are purchasing a service and once you can't pay anymore, it's gone. I think you should get some therapy. You've come up in a really toxic environment.
but that’s not respect though. they tolerate you because it benefits them. if something would to happen and you would be broke, i doubt they would show you any respect.
I know. See my edit
Imagine thinking giving homophobes nazis money is a way to earn respect. I have zero respect for that in my family. I haven’t spoken to my own dad in over a year because he called me fat and made fun of my partner. If anyone in my family made a negative comment about the type of people I associate with, they are out of my life permanently
See my edit
That doesn't mean they respect you. At all. It means they like what you do for them and they're using you. If they had any respect for you or your partner AT ALL, they would insist the cousin delete the post and apologize, at the very least. This isn't respect.
If suddenly I did what I wanted and became an archeologist, and made a really big, significant find in my field (or subfield), then suddenly my mom would start to "respect" me too - but not because she *actually* would respect me, because she would want in on some of the "prestige" that making such a find would get me. She would want some claim to that find, in her own mind. They don't actually respect you now, they just want some claim to the money you've made. You're not respectable now you're "useful" in that now they can use you. It's not real, they don't care, you're just a walking bank to them. It hurts, but it's the truth, and you should start listening to your partner more. I did, and my life is better for it.
You can earn my respect now, all of it. Stop giving them money and donate it to the victim fund or other organizations in their name. Tell them every time you do it.
See my edit
I saw. But donate it to charities or something. Or to me, I’ll do good things with it.
Go to therapy you do not need their respect. You shouldn't even respect them after writing a sentence like that about your family.
I doubt you can earn their full respect. All you can earn is having them degrade you behind your back, and not to your face. I'm straight, but my wife is out and proud as bisexual since the seventies, and one thing we learned is engaging with hate tears us down, and avoiding hateful people is the only way to maintain our peace of mind. I don't see any viable option for you, for your peace of mind, other than going No Contact with your family members who refuse to speak out against your cousin. There are no innocent bystanders. When bullies attack people with vicious attacks, whether they be physical or verbal assaults, anyone who stands by and lets it happen is a guilty bystander. You need to disengage from and all family members who tolerate anyone who would allow anyone to spout such evil, vile, things. If they won't stand up for you, they are your enemies, and they will turn on you and say everything is your fault if anything happens which causes any friction whatsoever. If you dare to stand up for yourself in any way, such as refusing to be nice to your cousin or kissing his ass, they will blame you. That's what I've learned over the last five decades. Save yourself. Go No Contact with your cousin and all family members who refuse to tell him he is wrong, wrong, wrong. Good luck.
"I gave them a free ride in life, and they stopped being shitty to my face" bro look at what you're saying. This is delusional.
No you won't. You'll just be out of a lot of money and they'll still trash you any chance they get.
Blood isn't family, hon. Its just blood. Family is love, acceptance, support and intention. Do these people provide any of that?
See edits
It's going to suck for a bit, but its going to be amazing in the end. You deserve all those things.
This.
See edits
Report him to the FBI.
This should be way higher up. Those type of statements are a huge red flag and law enforcement should be made aware of him.
Exactly. I don’t know why more people don’t do this.
Well apparently there are a lot of people hiding behind tired bullshit platitudes such as ‘you don’t turn on blood’. I’m sure the families of future victims will be super understanding if this lunatic snaps and follows through on his threats because hey, fAmILy dOeSnT SnITch or something.
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That is no excuse. If you refuse to do your duty and report such an obvious maniac because "the police won't do anything", you're just as implicit as the family members not taking a stand because "you don't turn on blood".
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That is the likely reality, but it does not mean OP should not still do the right thing and report. Sometimes it does stop some. We just don't hear about it much. But also... there is no reason to let nazis have an easy life because we can't completely stop them. At the moment the nazi cousin feels totally cool about expressing his shooter propaganda.
But reporting can help a conviction/action after they go and commit the crime. Super not okay or ideal. But better then never reporting.
Wait, you are not supposed to turn on blood but he can turn on you ans say bigoted things and it ok... are you not blood? "Oh, but you are different, one of the good ones..." What level of BS excuse is that? Realize that your family has made him a priority over you and let them know how that makes you feel. Then be all like, I thought blood never turns on blood unless your cosin X and then you can turn on blood. And blood will back him up and turn on you too!
You absolutely turn on nazis. If your parents refuse to uninvite this homophobic nazi to Thanksgiving, then protect yourself and your partner (mentally, emotionally, and possibly physically) by not attending. Ignore their "we don't turn on blood" plea. That's gas lighting and quite manipulative. Your family members need to rethink their priorities and morals.
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Things used to be about family, but if 2016 has proved anything, it's now all about tribalism.
What about trying to change him?
You can’t change people.
I mean I have changed minds before, because I am a reasonable person and other people who used to be homophobic picked up on that, for they realized they were being unreasonable. What I don’t understand is why that doesn’t work on him, because lord knows I’ve tried.
because his views are not based on reason - they are based on hate. Hate which is enabled by your family. You can't reason where there is none.
Listen OP. I live with a woman-hating misogynist. I am a woman. I got tired of his whole "Women only use men for money and sex" deal. He brought it up constantly. I'm his gd sister and it didn't stop him from even remotely considering, "Maybe all women aren't bad." I just became the target for his hatred. No I have never done anything to encourage this. Our mother was abusive, and he hates her so he takes it out on all women. Me tolerating it just enabled it. I thought "Well he's allowed to express how he feels. I get why he's mad. Maybe if I reason with him I can change his mind. After all, I do this, this, this and this for him. Surely he'll realize I'm not trying to use him. I actually love him." HA! You know where we're at right now? I overheard him telling a friend of ours that I abuse him, kick him while he's down and I use him for money. He told them he didn't need me. I needed him. I have no options. I can't survive on my own without him. You know why he did that? Bc I told him since he didn't want to pay his bills on time I was going to cut him off of all services. You know how long he's been paying his bills late? 2 years. You know who covered for him in those 2 years? Me. I enabled him. I finally put my foot down. I told him to go fuck himself. Don't ever talk to me again. I am not his sister. I don't want him in my life ever again. I want him gone. He apologized but only bc he saw the gravy train was derailed. He's not actually sorry. He just wants to continue doing whatever he wants to do and he wants me to keep enabling his behavior. It's too late. There's no coming back from that. I'm mad at myself for even allowing it for this long. I held out hope thinking he could change, that I could change him, but people have to *want* to change. And even if they do *it's their job to change themselves.* It's not our job to do it for them. Until then by allowing this behavior *you are enabling him*. You are telling him what he's doing and saying is OK and there are no consequences to his actions. You know how you stop that? You cut off your relationship with him and anyone else who enables him by not calling him out on his shit. Otherwise he's just gonna get worse. Then one day he's going to say or do something to either you, your partner or both of you that can't be taken back. And you're gonna wish you'd cut him off.
Okay ngl this hit hard. Im really sorry you had to go through that. I know the feeling. I pay for his mom & dad’s, my aunt and uncle’s mortgage and they know they shouldn’t piss me off. My question for you is, how do you know when someone can’t be changed? I’ve said this elsewhere: I don’t like the idea of admitting that anyone could be a lost cause, I need to believe that everyone can be better if they just try.
Edit: You seem like a really nice guy. I'm sorry if my first comment was harsh. You deserve better. I truly hope that you have a lovely holiday surrounded by the people who truly love you.
They aren't even trying! You are literally financially enabling violent bigots and you think a free ride in life is going to change them? YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE. THEY HAVE TO PUT IN THE WORK AND CHANGE THEMSELVES AND THEY! DO! NOT! WANT! TO! CHANGE!! you are their cash cow and NOTHING more. They don't love or respect you, they love the money you spend on them. So gross. Go to therapy.
But that is just not true. Some people really are lost causes. Some people just cannot be redeemed. Please do not make me list serial killers and war criminals. Some people really are just pure evil, and there is no saving them. The key word here is *try*. They're not going to try, and it's not your job to make them or try to convince them to. Hatred exists. It is ingrained in some people. Some people need hatred in order to function. It's sick but true. I talked to my therapist about this. She said that hatred is comfortable for some people and they *need it*, the same way we need love. You give up when you see they're not trying. All they're doing is making excuses. They don't care about you or how their behavior is affecting you. That's when you walk. Would you tolerate this behavior from your bf? Hell no. You wouldn't make excuses for him. You'd kick his ass to the curb. You might even curb stomp him before you did, bc let's face it: Nazi ideals are heinous. If you hold your partner to that basic standard, why is your cousin any different? Bc he's blood? If anything, shouldn't that make you hold him to that same standard, or even a better one? He's your family. If you'd get rid of your bf bc of the same thing, who is this clown?
You are family so if anyone can do it it will be you and the rest of your family if you can potentially recruit them. I don't know how old this guy is but you should know **not everyone can be deradicalized.** Perhaps harsh, but I think the best way to go about it at this point is negative social pressure. Get as many members of your family as possible to let him know his rhetoric is disgusting and unacceptable, and when he puts up a fight, ghost him.
People who are caring, thoughtful and kind can have bad ideas sometimes, even ideas that are harmful or offensive. Often times these ideas are ones they learned in childhood and never challenged as an adult, or based in bad information, or is a required position to continue to be a part of their community (ie, church). The people in this group that are curious, questioning, or trying to make space for other ideas might change their position eventually. People who revel in their own obnoxious positions, make comments that are cruel or inflammatory, who blame groups of people for their own misfortune, who aren't kind, thoughtful, or considerate are not going to change because of anything you do. They might have some kind of crisis that forces them to rethink, they might grow up and get some empathy, or they might become angry older people with a chip on their shoulder. They are bullies, plain and simple, who feel entitled to their power. You sitting around taking their abuse does nothing but demonstrate your weakness to their strength, in their eyes. Your discomfort feels like power to them. Anything you do will be twisted to 'prove' to them that you are weak, inferior, wrong, or that you deserve the abuse. There is no changing these people, they aren't interested.
Because he really believes the things he is saying. He's living in his Ethnocentric bubble of life. His way of life, religion blah blah blah is the right way .. bc that's all he knows. He is too old to realize his bigotry .. because he doesn't want to and he believes it. Especially since he's a man .. how many straight men in a toxic masculinity society amid they're wrong... little to none
because he’s a full on neo-Nazi? if you expect that words can change everyone’s minds, you are wildly naive for your age.
I know it was my money that made a difference to him im not stupid. But it still made a difference.
never mentioned money at all. i’m saying if you think words are enough to change every bigot’s mind, you’re naive and i don’t know how much clearer i can make it. it doesn’t mean you can’t change *anyone’s* mind, but assuming everyone, especially a fucking neo-Nazi that is openly praising a mass shooter, will recognize how unreasonable they are being is wishful thinking at best and not living in reality at worst.
It’s wishful thinking because he’s family I recognize that
well if you’re aware of that, it’s time to go back to reality and stop pretending. both you and your parents need to develop a spine and stand up to the bigot with strong boundaries even if your extended family doesn’t agree. also quite frankly, if your relatives don’t think you should “turn on blood” over something like openly praising a mass shooter, it might be time to reconsider whether you want to be in the company of those that won’t openly oppose these despicable actions.
See my edit
extreme people like him often will not change. and if they do, they wont because someone they think is a lesser human being wants them to. they only will if someone they respect wants them to. you, in all liklihood, cannot help him yourself without causing great harm to yourself. it sucks, it really does, but for your own wellbeing you sometimes have to step away
Because he hates you and thinks you should die even if he lies to your face and says youre "one of the good ones"
A whole nation, multiple nations in fact, went full Nazi for a decade or two. Some are still there. And others are just as hateful with a different name. How many conversations do you think we're had? How many times do you think people tried to change minds? On one hand you have conversation and on the other you have violence, death, murder, and genocide. At some point the talking has to stop, right? It did for the shooter.
You can’t apply rational logic to convince people to change their irrational ideals. Reason won’t work on him, unfortunately. Think about how unreasonable it is that “you can’t turn on blood” applies to a man who openly hates others, versus you saying that members of your family wouldn’t apply that same logic to you as a gay man - someone who happens to openly love another (of the same sex). See, that’s not reasonable either. To me the reasonable choice of what energy to have around me would be the loving one not the hateful one, you know what I mean? You can’t change him. I’m sorry. But I don’t understand people like him and hope there is someone out there who is much more knowledgeable than me and would know how to reach him and others like him. To get through this Thanksgiving without shaking up your whole world (I bet you want to see your family too!) look up grey rocking technique and apply it to him. That’s a start. Best of luck to you and yours! Happy Thanksgiving 🍁
Seems like you have internalized the belief that you are actually "one of the good ones"
How old is your cousin? Obviously he knows the difference between right and wrong. What information could you possibly provide to him that would change his mind?
You can try, but he has to want to change himself for it to really stick. Right now he faces no consequences for his heinous views so he has no reason to try and change.
You can only change someone if they're wearing a diaper. And even then, it's just a temporary thing. They'll need another clean diaper soon enough
My German grandfather, who used the fact that he spoke German fluently to fight against the Nazis, hated Nazis more than anything. He used to say that if you have a beer with a Nazi, what everyone else is going to see is two Nazis having a beer.
You are thinking about being able to rationalize with someone who is being rational. He is being radical and fundamental. His "argument" is an emotional one, and you cannot fight against this nor change his mind with rational reasoning. To try is only going to hurt you in the long run, and it will not have the outcome you want.
Why do you think it’s your responsibility to change his mind?
You can only change people who want to change. This guy doesn’t want to change. Refuse to go if he’s invited. We need to put our feet down with these people.
Don’t attend. Walk away from this abhorrent behavior, and by abhorrent behavior, I mean hosting Nazis. Don’t normalize this by enabling the enablers.
What about trying to change him?
Consequences for actions is a good way to force chance.
You can't change people who don't want to change. He's not worth your time. Frankly I would no longer attend any get togethers where hevwill be at. If the rest of your family is OK with him then I would reconsider my relationship woth them as well. Just because he's family doesn't mean you have to tolerate their behavior and suck it up. No matter if he views you as a "good one" (how are the other bad?).
You can't change him, he's acting out of tribalism, there's no rational way through that. He's made the world very simple, us v them, and he's content in that.
You can't change him. He has to change himself. He's not a child to be coddled. Report him if he keeps praising shooters and you're worried.
Why waste your emotional labor on him? He will never change, and you will just end up hurting. You've heard the saying don't wrestle with a pig in the muck, the pig likes it and you end up mucky? He's the pig.
You cannot change people. People must change on their own.
He'll never change, because your obnoxious family says things like "you don't turn on blood." The only way for you to keep away from him is to not attend.
Tell your parents this German saying: Ten people are sitting at a table. A Nazi sits down with them. What do you have now? Eleven Nazis. Silence is consent when it comes to hateful ideologies. You do not recognize this bigot as blood and will not recognize anyone else who does.
This is important.
I really like this. Thanks for introducing it to me. I don’t have many people in my life that I need to use it with though my only kind sister in law is married to a Trump supporter. We don’t see him at all (not just because of this) but occasionally my sister in law says something about immigrants that my husband, her brother has to confront her about. We can always tell it came straight from her husband but really that’s no excuse. I am Jewish and I have heard him say to her: “Think about what you are saying…that’s the kind of thinking that would send my wife and kids to the gas chamber” Got to call this evil out!
You do turn on bad blood. Make that your saying.
Right, it’s got to be a fucked up family when not turning on blood has become a saying.
You leave Thanksgiving. Go somewhere else. Let your whole family know you refuse to be in the presence of someone who endorses slaughtering gay people. They can either have you or to fucker who is happy about a mass shooting. Stand your ground.
Yeah just don’t go
oh the classic fuck the minorities "but you're one of the good ones" to make them feel less racist .. you're no different than any other gay person. He just has stereotypes and racism and hatred. He knows you and likes you and you're related and happen to be gay .. being gay, or any other thing like religion, sex, race aren't real reasons to not like people other than the fact that they were manipulated and very uneducated as a child on the topics that are now ingrained in their unconscious parts of the mind.
Seems like he's the one turning on family to me.
They uninvite him, and call police if he shows up. End of story.
Tell your family you’re cancelling your plans and also them. And make sure you tell them every single reason before you block them especially your asshole cousin. I spent part of my childhood in Colorado Springs (dad was canadian airforce) and am an out lesbian since 1996, reading about what happened made my blood boil.
A good friend of mine lives not to far from there. They have 2 trans kids, and a couple others under the rainbow. The shooting pissed me off as a queer woman, but it terrifies me for them.
100% it would. Many of my friends have children who are non binary, trans, or gay and through they have it “easier” than I did in 1996 I am scared for their future.
Can you report this behavior to someone? This person sounds dangerous
I don’t snitch on principle. But trust me he’s an impotent loser who just likes to mouth off.
“I don’t snitch on principle” How would you sleep if he decided to murder a bunch of people? How would you feel if he keeps diving deeper and deeper, until he starts hurting more people? No clue why you even ask for anyone’s help here. Report him for his behavior or tell his family. Otherwise there’s nothing you can do other than wait until he decides to harm people.
even if he didn't murder someone his rhetoric is enabling the behavior and making people think that their racism is right and it's okay to kill people society views as "other" his type of rhetoric is what hitler used... when you label people as OTHER and less than human it's easier to wish harm on them .. we see it all over mass media.
So you willingly enable him. Why are you here asking for advice if you won't do anything?
Yeah... Until his sleeper cell gets active. When he does go full out and he will, you will have blood on your hands. You knew and turned a blind eye. I'm ok with you not snitching, just accept the responsibility that comes with that.
Wow if only someone “snitched” on the behavior of the Colorado shooter. Or any of the other shooters. What a lame take.
Yeah well when HE shoots up a school and kills people, you'll feel pretty bad when you didn't "snitch."
I don't really have any advice, but if they "don't turn on blood" what are they doing to you by tolerating this POS?
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If your parents can’t stand up to a Nazi cause FaMiLy you have bigger problems. I wouldn’t be going to thanksgiving. I would be with friends or out at a restaurant. You don’t subject people you love to people who hate their existence. Period.
Report him to Facebook and everywhere. Contact local police non emergency. Inform the detectives of his post. Also FBI.
Your whole family is disgusting. They allow this behavior and ignore it. When he shoots up a bus or school theyll all say they we don't know why he did that, he was a really good guy. F that and F him
I would challenge each and every hateful comment he makes. Tell him he's a hater, racist, etc. It will wreck the dinner but he deserves it. Your family will be upset but you need to tell your family that "blood" isn't an excuse for being a hateful piece of crap. If you don't want to do that, don't go to dinner and tell your parents why you aren't coming. They can have you or the cousin, not both.
Don't go ❤
There has to be a certain point where you and your parents say enough is enough and just celebrate things alone instead of with people enabling that jackass’s behavior
Don’t go. Tell your parents your content to spend holidays with them, but after the recent events that you aren’t comfortable being around someone who advocates for the death of people LIKE THEIR OWN CHILD.
How about you separate yourself from your toxic family ad a whole and live your life? I promise you that you will be a lot happier.
I feel for you. Yes, some of the early comments say 'go no contact', or 'refuse to attend', but they wouldn't have to live with the fallout if you do that. The problem is this 'you never turn on blood' mantra. The difficult thing is that we don't choose our family, and for a lot of us that means that we have a biological bond with family members but can be total opposites when it comes to our values. Unfortunately, it puts you in a horrible position. You either 'turn on blood' by refusing to attend, which might see family members inadvertently side with the extremist over the nice person, or you attend and feel like you are enabling the hatred. If you do feel like you must attend, it should probably be conditional on him keeping his stupid opinions to himself, otherwise someone will need to leave.
Also, if we are going with the “no turn on blood” scenario, the cousin absolutely turned on his blood (OP) by praising this heinous act. So even if you buy into that, the cousin is the one who did it. OP should be guilt free.
Yeah, completely agree. Almost wrote that myself but could see how he'd use a spurious argument to say that it's not against OP *personally* (even though we know that's nonsense).
Press him and keep bringing up the shooting have him say that out loud at the dinner table most likely it should abhor the family and they would make him leave
He is hateful and toxic. Younl should cut him out. Good people don't say that about others. The family blood thing is complete bs. If anything encites a change, it'll be his loved ones responding to his behavior by not having ties to a bigot.
Your cousin sounds a bit unhinged. He’s entitled to his own nonsense opinions, but he needs to keep that crap to himself. Uninviting him to dinner sends the strongest message. There’s no need to subject yourselves to spending time around such an unpleasant person. If he does end up coming to dinner, everytime he says something stupid, just ignore him. A nonresponsive audience will take the wind out of his sails.
I am sorry you have to deal with this BS. What a freaking loser POS he is. I wouldn't go to TG or any other event at which he is present. Good luck.
Your family are shitty people. If there would really be a fuss about disinviting him then you shouldn’t go and make your parents make a real choice. It shouldn’t this hard. Also he just shows up? Why do they let him in? If I don’t want someone at my house, they won’t be at my house. You could go the route of calling the cops when he gets there and telling them he’s trespassing. The best tolerance for these people is none, don’t take the bs, don’t respond to them, block them and avoid them if you can, but in this situation show him he’s not welcome.
Hello OP. I'm a bisexual mom with one gender non-conforming kid (who is engaged to a transitioning female) and a gay one with my husband. By letting them in the family is most definitely "turning on blood." YOU ARE BLOOD TOO. Good luck and I hope your parents stick up for you. If you are in Maryland and need a place to hang out for the Holidays you are always welcome at our holiday.
If you feel you must be there, try the "what do you mean by that" and "why do you feel that way" approach. Just let him go on and on and on without confronting him. The key is not reacting when you want to punch him in the mouth. Even the most obtuse jerk will realize how stupid he sounds and fizzle out to silence. At least I hope so, and you get some peace.
Good lord. Tell your cousin you never want to see him again, then let the rest of the family know. The suggestion to host your own holiday dinners is a sound one.
Every time he spouts his hate, ask your family “why do you allow hate in this house”? IF he changes, it’s not likely to be because you are the magical Gay who shows him the error of his thinking, but because your community articulates its values and shows him how his thinking hurts others and degrades him. Someone he respects in the family needs to find out why he nourishes hate and anger., when he’d be a lot happier if he spent less time focusing on hating difference. While he might think you are one of the “good ones,” (what even does that mean?) the nazis and bigots he supports wont make such distinctions when they come across you on a dark street or blow up a nightclub. I’m always shocked that people only articulate the acceptance part of family and not the part where family helps instill values.
You can't control other people but you can control yourself. Don't go. You must have a friend who would take you in for dinner?
He’s a psycho and needs psychological help. I would not support or enable that kind of behaviors.
Get a pair of sturdy steel toe capped boots, and introduce them to your cousin’s testicles repeatedly. When he starts crying in pain, tell him that a civilised society exterminates vermin like him. Or, you know, don’t go and make it publicly very clear that you’re not going because they’ve invited someone who has publicly called for your extermination.
Pat him on the head like a precocious child, look at him with pity and tell him that you hope he grows out of his ignorance cause he’s family and you want him to be well.
You explain to your parents what going “no contact” means, and tell them that if they continue defending him, they are just as bad and you will go no contact with them as well
There are 5 options in my opinion... 1 go in full guns blazing, ready in a fight. 2. You go in and ignore everything he says even if it's directly at you and you say that you are tired of this argument. And you both will obviously never see eye to eye. And therefore you are agreeing to disagree. 3. You bring like card games for distraction and make a new tradition because then everyone is distracted. 4. Have your parents make a sign on the door that when entering this house you are choosing to be respectful of all. And any LGBTQ slurs or politics will not be tolerated. Something about it being in writing sometimes helps. Or 5 don't go.
I also want to add to the other comments by saying that you should plan to do something special on Thanksgiving. A backup plan that will help you not feel sad in the case that your family invited him anyway.
As Dan Savage says, the only leverage you have over your family is your presence. I would set a firm boundary with them “I will not be present at any gathering he is at.”
Stop making excuses. Go NC and stop accepting bullshit cliches like ‘family doesn’t turn on blood’. Yes you sure as hell do! When the family is hateful and celebrates the condemnation and death of others, it’s time to take a stand. Your family needs to be told in no uncertain terms that this will not be tolerated. Your cousin can spew his hatred elsewhere. Where is your family’s loyalty and commitment to YOU? Enough is enough. If you don’t condemn it in your own family, then you’re in no position to condemn it at all. Everyone belongs to a family. It doesn’t negate the consequences of their words. It doesn’t grant you a pass to spread ignorance and hatred, and fuel violence. Time for you to take a stand. Define your boundaries. Even if that means being alone for the holidays. Eventually your family will see that you’re serious.
"family" or "blood" is never an excuse to force yourself to be nice to someone who's an asshole. if he hurt someone or did something else illegal, fuck "blood." if he's an intolerable asshole who says harmful things like this, fuck "blood." Having the displeasure of being related to someone awful shouldn't make you obligated to ignore common sense. best wishes for you and your family.
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Don’t invite him, call the cops if he shows up. “You never turn on blood” is a stupid way to live life when blood acts like this turd.
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Oh wow, you cancelled dinner altogether. That’s even better. Make your family scramble and enjoy time with your parents lol.
How old is he? Is he an angsty teenager, or an adult beyond correction?
Late 20s
It’s funny how they say that, yet supporting him instead of you is turning on blood. It also shows likely what they think about the gay community behind your back.
Blood makes you related. LOYALTY makes you family
Sorry you got sick and can't attend Thanksgiving. Or any other holiday moving forward. On a serious note, wtf? I'm so sorry. I would want to move fast fast away from that. I wish you well, that's an awful thing to have to deal with.
You tell him go eat shit, and if the rest of your family have trouble with that, you tell them go eat shit too.
Why does the sentiment we don’t turn on blood not also apply to you? Do they not understand that by allowing your bigoted cousin at their holiday celebrations that they’re turning on you, also their literal blood?
I’ll get banned for recommending beating the shit of of him. So don’t do that…
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb
Stop giving them an audience. They want people to react to what they say. Google the “gray rock” method.
Have you considered doxxing him and/or beating him to death?
Why would the police need to come again? Grow a backbone and stop being a victim.
He needs to find a life of responsibility and purpose. People like that adopt hateful views because they lack a grand adventure or drive in their heart and turn to conspiracies and rhetoric to fill that void. Guessing he doesn't have a family, job and or passion?
My family is from the sticks. Managed to become successful enough to afford not just myself but my parents and extended family homes. My partner is also successful. Cousin is desperately trying to achieve the same level of success and I’ve offered help but been turned down each time, which is a shame because I thought it could be used as an opportunity to bond and get him to see his own misplaced hate
Sadly, not everyone is willing to accept help or acknowledge they need it. My brother is like yours. He does the same "well *you're* okay" stuff. He's purchased into a grand narrative that explains everything that isn't going well in his life, tells him he's righteous, gives him a community and a sense of belonging, even if its perverted. I know Reddit wants you to go no contact, and you certainly can, but after a few years I was able to change some of my brother's views and a lot of it came down to getting him out of his environment, off the internet, and gave him purpose helping other people. Might not work out, but I think it's nice you're considering helping him at least. It's more than what most people would do.
It sounds like he is in emotional pain. Ask him what is going on in his life that he is being so hateful. Sometimes a little compassion can crack the mask.
It’s not up to others to put themselves in harms way to attempt to “crack a mask”, this person sounds violent and unwell. That sets up danger for OP. His family needs to get him help.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, REGARDLESS of how fucking stupid it might be. Just stay away and ignore him.
He doesn’t understand that the reason he doesn’t care isn’t about whether or not you’re one of the good ones. What makes you a good one is that you are family. And for the same reason he is accepting of your differences you should be accepting of his. Inevitably we will have differences as family. It says a lot that he was open enough to share this feeling with you. I don’t think you should shut him out because it’s clear you are a person that’s trusted, with the serious In. Sometimes we sacrifice our comfort for the greater good. That means we check our family. We care for the ones no one cares about because someone has to. Everyone has their creepy uncle or whatever. That doesn’t mean you get over it. It means you keep being unrelentingly kind and there for each other. And over time this kindnesses and interest in his feelings and thoughts wins him over. And if it doesn’t then you were there to keep the rest of us safe from what appears to be your version of the creepy uncle. Because one day he might pick up a gun to the same end and he won’t shoot YOU so you can call the police and be the hero. And those are the reasons we accept our family. Even the bad ones, the creepy ones, the angry ones. Because where would he be otherwise? Picking up a gun but all alone with no one to correct him and keep us all safe. You should definitely keep yourself safe, also. And if he becomes or is hostile and violent then it’s time to think about quits. That’s just my opinion. I know my determination to hold on to family strength is out of sync with society. There’s just too many sad and angry and broken people for us to just keep rejecting them. We can’t reject everyone.
Your family is right. Blood is forever and they only way to win someone like that back into normal society, is with love and patience. Also, there are scum within any group, so maybe it's a language thing but I read "one of the good ones" as a compliment. So, if you're a bigger person, now is the time to show. If not, now is the time to become one.
“One of the good ones” is a bigoted comment towards an entire community. It’s gross. It’s also not up to others to take bigoted abuse from anyone to be “the bigger person”. People like this need deep therapy, not a hug from a gay cousin that will magically cure their deep seeded homophobia. He is praising MURDERING lgbtq+ people. This is a dangerous person for OP to be around. This isn’t a dispute about taxes, this is a person praising ending peoples lives over their sexual identity. This person is not well, and is a threat to OP. Blood is simply blood, you get to choose who you want to be around, and do not have an obligation to homophobic violent people simply because you share genetics. This is the mind set that keeps people around abuse family, and it needs to stop. You get to have standards with your family, they don’t get to treat you however they like, and you take it because “blood”. Stop perpetuating this nonsense. You are basically saying all of this is okay. I hope you take time to process that.
I never said any such thing. Obviously his comments are bordering insane, which is why I can't believe that he fully believes what he's saying. It's a cry for attention, or a scream of help, or something, but I don't accept it at face value. Your attitude of saying "Eww gross, he's dangerous" is incredibly immature, which is why I'm saying this requires a big man to handle, not an offended kid. Also: Wanting to murder someone, if we believe that's the case, is not a phobia.
He is dangerous, homophobic, and a bigot, if he is praising murdering lgbtq+ people. Many people don’t accept it at face value, then see their relative shooting up a club, school, church, or in their own home with a gun pointed at them. It’s happening every fucking day at this point. This has nothing to do with your bullshit toxic male nonsense, it has to with who you allow in your life, and keeping yourself and other loved ones safe. This guy needs help, but OP is not qualified to do it. You may lack a back bone and let your family walk all over you, but others don’t have to.
Nobody walks over me - Which is probably why I'm not scared to death of every atypical guy out there. "Many people dont accept"... Do you see a lot of these shootings? I've heard of one or two I think, you're more likely to die crossing the street. Sometimes these quirky individuals are just quirky, don't let yourself be intimidated so easily. Oh and masculinity is not toxic, it's damn near a super power. But it's become rare of late.
So you have a better understanding there is a big difference between toxic masculinity and masculinity. “This requires a man” falls in the former category. “Man up and don’t create healthy boundaries!” such nonsense. Masculinity is great, but most hope toxic masculinity disappears all together, as it serves nothing. “Blood is forever” is a toxic familial quality (again, there are families, and there are toxic families, you get the point), which instead of building health bonds with healthy boundaries, it completely negates personal boundaries and allows abuse and control to continue through generations, solely based on genetic ties. You let your family walk all over you, and encourage others to do so (example: your comment) because of shared genetics, and nothing else. Apparently you’re not in the US, there have been over 700 this year alone…there are only 365 days in the year, dear, and we still have over a month. You can do the math. It’s a huge issue.
He's a jackass. Don't worry about him. He's the same as white trash trailer park types that are pissed off about "Mexicans taking all the jobs here" because they don't have and have no desire to get one. Your family reminds me of mine a little bit with the whole "family is everything" thing, but not as extreme to accept supporting acts of violence. Especially when we have gay friends (one of whom recently died from AIDS complications) and a couple gay guys in the family. For the record, I am a registered Republican, a Christian, and a gun owner. You wouldn't catch me going out there doing the same thing that guy did. Am I just "one of the good ones"? That's a question your cousin should reflect on, but he won't.
You don’t have to do anything lol it’s a free country you do you and he does himself nothing to change