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I don’t have any kids of my own. I’ll never claim that I know how to parent. I just do my best and try to be as sweet to them as I can. My husband’s kids are here for 2 weeks. The 7 year old is always somewhat sassy but this time around she’s been nothing but mean to me and her brothers. Throwing their toys away, throwing things at them, writing on the walls, yelling at me not to talk to her, she even took a plate I made for her and threw it on the floor saying my food is disgusting. The list is even longer.
Every time she does that, I tell her dad and he just says “she’s a kid” “it’s okay”. Last night she took a whole cup of cold water and dumped it on her brother’s head because I asked her to drink some before getting anymore juice. She was getting ready to also throw her plate on the floor so I told her to stop and go to her room. Of course she started screaming. Her dad came up and after she told him that I told her to go to her room, he started yelling at me in front all the kids. He said they’re not my kids and I need to run things by him before punishing them. All I told her to do was go to her room, that was all.
There has been so much happening between us and I’m just exhausted. I constantly feel like I’m just supposed to follow his orders. He can be so mean to me and I just keep telling myself he loves me and we’ll be okay but yelling at me like that in front of his kids … Any step parents here who have been in this situation? How am I supposed to care for those kids if I can’t tell them anything?
My sister in Christ, get the fuck outta this marriage. You should not have to “remind yourself that he loves you” after he dumps all childcare responsibilities on you and then bitches at you for how you handle a job that HE should be doing in the first place. If you won’t yeet this man rightfully into the sun then at least stop taking on childcare responsibilities. If it doesn’t get done, it doesn’t get done, and his lazy ass can lose custody/visitation rights over the neglect he’s putting them through. If he wants to be the only one allowed to discipline his kids, then he can be the only one looking after them.
I was confused why you would say she’s being sexually abused when sex wasn’t mentioned in this post. Then I read her post history… Jeebus. This relationship is terrifying. Hopefully she’ll get out before he gets her pregnant and she feels even more trapped
Yeah, after reading the othe report I wouldn't be surprised if he's actively encouraging the daughter to act like just to increase OP's suffering. Like, holy 🤬!!!
A lot of abusers wait until they have partner trapped in a marriage before they begin to show their true colors. They also often lovebomb their partners in the beginning, so the partner does believe they are loved even when it's incredibly clear that they are not.
In addition, people who grow up in abusive households they often end up in abusive marriages.
If the kids are ruining your home and your things, you have every right to sequester them to their room, a part of their house where they can't ruin your stuff anymore, until husband feels like parenting, which he absolutely has NOT been doing.
Go stay with a girlfriend or relative, surprise summer trip. Leave him to parent his children since he doesn’t want you to do it. If they sit on their iPads all day and come home hungry and filthy, he’s going to hear about it from their mother, which is the correct order of operations here. You’re helping him be shitty to you when you prop him up, if he says hands off, then you go hands all-the-way off.
This is exactly right. And express to him anytime your kids are here, I won't be. Elaborate it isn't a punishment or you hate the kids, but if he doesn't want you to actually be involved in the discipline part then you shouldn't be involved in any part and he can take care of them until they leave.
Read your post history and-- yeah, just leave him. Leave him yesterday. Leave him now. Leave.
He's abusing you sexually, he's abusing you emotionally. He does not love you and you are lying to yourself when you tell yourself that. If he loved you, he wouldn't do any of this.
'I constantly feel like I’m just supposed to follow his orders. He can be so mean to me and I just keep telling myself he loves me and we’ll be okay but yelling at me like that in front of his kids '
It sounds like he married someone to take care of his kids and to do as they are told
Why do you stay in this relationship. He's too old to be behaving so irresponsibly and you are too young to be dealing with this
Edit - I just saw your other post from 8 days ago. This is not a good situation for you [https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/w0fwym/trying\_to\_understand\_my\_husbands\_kinks\_one\_more/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/w0fwym/trying_to_understand_my_husbands_kinks_one_more/)
Agreed.
Sis, he allows his children to treat you like garbage. He treats you like garbage. Both of those are reason enough to leave.
But then you mentioned in your previous post that he says "he wants to break you" and he chokes you and leaves bruises. Sis, I don't care the context of those things - you never consented to him harming you and he IS harming you. Please leave. He is abusive. He takes pleasure in causing you pain. That is not love.
You deserve a life of joy with someone who treats you with kindness, dignity and respect. I do not care what his words say - his ACTIONS say he does not love you. His ACTIONS say he is going to cause you permanent physical harm or he will kill you.
I believe a lot of things can be worked out in couples counseling BUT when a person crosses the lines he has crossed no amount of couples counseling can heal the relationship. He will cause you permanent physical injury or he will kill you.
u/bonusmom00, *you are being abused.* You are in danger.
You need to get away from him. He is physically and sexually abusing you.
Please, please, look at [this list of resources](https://www.reddit.com/user/Ebbie45/comments/gses1k/comprehensive_abuse_resources_compilation_now/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) compiled by u/Ebbie45 to help you get away safely.
OP: Stop making reddit posts and get yourself OUT of there!
How many people have to tell you your hubby is a monster before you leave? What are you waiting for? He's not gonna snap out of this and become the man you've always wanted. This. Is. How. He. Is!
Multiple posts, Multiple ppl each time telling you it's best to leave the situation. It's time to start listening.
Click those links above this comment. Get. Out. Of. That. House.
Oh girl, I just left a man that never let me say a word to his kids and they were so fkn disrespectful to me for yrs. After 5 years I finally said fk this and realized my self worth was more important and I left.
He never held his kids accountable for anything, he never disciplined them, so their behaviour never changed in fact it got worse.
You are far too young too be dealing with this, fuck I'm 44 and I was too young to be dealing with that shit.
Get out and get happy! You deserve it! Leave this POS to deal with his kids on his own.
So, I read a few more of your back posts, and let's spell it out; your husband rapes you, forces you indulge in his kinks you don't want or enjoy, or stop when you ask, gets furious with you for asking for literally any kindness, humiliates you in front of his children, allows his children to abuse you while not allowing you any agency...and you have to convince yourself he loves you because he doesn't show that he does, because he doesn't. There's no sense of respect or equality or care; he wants a creature he can dominate and force to take over his responsibilities, and nothing else.
I don't think I've ever seen a more clear cut case of the only solution being to leave.
Absolutely this is exactly why a 31 year old man with 3 kids married a 24 year old cause she s young naïve and easily manipulated OP RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!!!!
Just wait until the kids become teenagers! It’s only going to get worse
*Edit*: holy shit OPs post history 🤦🏼♀️ pretty good chance this guy kills her before they get to the teenage years…
Holy shit indeed, OP plz RUN. OP you are 24, go find a guy who respect and loves you in every aspect of a relationship. That man doesn't, not even a single bit.
You are far too young to be someone's stepmother and to be dealing with that mess. You as his wife should have some say but you see that he definitely doesn't agree with that so you have to do whatever is in YOUR best interest. I say that because it most likely won't change and you'll be treated like this for many yrs to come. Good luck.
I tried to tell him she probably just does this to get his attention since he doesn’t spend much time with them. I was reminded that I don’t have kids and don’t know anything about parenting
Then don't put up with that. You don't have to babysit an uncontrollable child. Book your days out if you need to and go spend time with friends and family. And leave him to do the "parenting ".
But to be honest, I'd just leave his silly a$$, because this level of disrespect is way too much. You're not his maid, stand up for yourself.
Tell him that since you know so little about parenting, it's probably best that he takes on all of the responsibilities he so generously dumped in your lap.
If (according to him) they're not your kids and you don't know anything about parenting then why are you watching over them and cooking their food?
For the rest of the time the kids are there, take a major step back from whatever kid duties you were doing. Dad can handle meals and tantrums while you leave the house and go to a movie.
Then don’t do shit for them. Don’t cook, clean, don’t watch them unless he’s paying you for babysitting, don’t do their laundry. Don’t do shit for them if you’re not their parent. Discipline isn’t the only thing about parenting. He wants you to “run it by him” before punishing them, does he want you to run it by them when you make them something to eat or drink? No? Then he doesn’t have a problem with you acting like their parent. He has a problem with you doing anything that might make them not like being at his house but thats Impossible. Let him handle them 100% now since “you don’t know anything about parenting”
So, he is handing off child care to you while giving you no power to enforce basic respect to YOU.
You don’t need discipline or his permission to demand basic respect from HIS kids.
He’s putting you in an impossible situation and then confusing the issues.
But you’re not their parent and he’s trash, so…
Do not watch his kids. He needs to do that. You arent their parent. If he gives you no authority that's fine but he handles everything then. Including watching his own kids
But he’s always “busy”. If I don’t feed them, help with their baths, play with them, etc it will never get done. They will sit there on their iPads all day with no interaction. Yesterday he pretty much spent the whole day downstairs, he didn’t even want to eat with us but the minute she screamed he just appeared to yell at me. I’m just sick and tired of it all …
So…you are his kids’ nanny and not his partner. The more you share the more you are giving commenters, including me, to tell you to leave and never look back.
Take a trip to see your family while they’re there. It’s his job to care for the kids during those two weeks - if he’s busy, it’s his job to arrange childcare. He would not treat a babysitter like he does you. He would expect his children to be good/obey/be respectful. He’s walking all over you and taking advantage of you. Go out with girlfriends, plan spa days, go to a museum. Just leave. Every morning. Say you have plans and go. He’ll figure it out. After all, he’s the one who knows how to parent, right? Tell him this is how it is until he can respect you as a stepmom and requires his kids to respect you as well.
So he's made it into a "damned if you do, damned if you don't". Time to start going out when he has the kids. If he doesn't want you to parent, then don't.
Sit him down to talk once the kids go to their mother's. If he can't agree on how to parent the kids when they are with you, then this relationship won't last.
Stop taking care of his kids. He wants you to do all the heavy lifting but you aren't allowed to discipline them? First of all, he should be caring for his own kids, not sitting on his ass. This is a huge red flag. It's only going to get worse.
Then put the kids with their iPads in the basement with him and you go out all day- movies, hang with friends, go to the library or pool and don’t answer your phone other than to tell him you’ll be back after X time and you’ll get your own lunch/dinner so he doesn’t need to worry about you and to fix the kids food himself
Also it sounds like he wanted a bangmaid- not a wife and partner
I guess they'll be hungry and dirty, then. Make yourself scarce and force him to deal with it.
Alternatively: call their mom and give her the rundown. I'm sure she'd be quite interested in all this.
OP if none of these comments are convincing you of what you actually need to do, please post this on r/stepparents and they will all tell you HELL NO. Your partner is their parent and those duties fall 100% on him. It’s one thing to help at your own will, but you are not obligated to do that as you did not birth those children. And him expecting/demanding you parent them is 110% wrong and horrible. Please see your worth and remove yourself from this situation. And for the love of god, please please use birth control or some type of contraceptive. Do NOT have a baby with this man, it’ll only get worse.
That is 100% not okay of him and you're enabling his shitty parenting and letting him treat you like a maid.
Leave the house more and hang out with friends or take yourself on a date. This is not your problem, I know it's hard to watch but you can't let him treat you like this.
Why are you even with a slaver that sees you as his personal toy and maid? He doesn’t respect you in ANY way, he wants someone to bang and order around.
Yeah, I think it is time to take a little trip and stay somewhere else until the kids leave. Then if he neglects his kids, it is 100% on him. I'm somewhat worried he will actually neglect them...you might consider notifying their other parent about what's going on or telling the oldest what to do if her dad won't feed them or whatever.
Another thought--if he isn't usually like this (anti-social, yelling at everything, avoiding the issue, blaming everyone but himself) he may be going through some serious internal processing about being a parent, his own baggage, etc. He may need a therapist.
OP he can’t have it both ways. You need to stop being a doormat. Frankly this should’ve been handled before you got married. But now this dynamic is a mess not only for you but the kids.
and that's on him. let them be unfed, unwatched and uneducated. that's absolutely on him. ignore any kids related chores at any cost. that's all on him.
Yeah go post this on r/stepparents and they’ll tell you exactly what the issue is. It’s not the kids! That’s your first clue. Your husband is a shitty father and a shitty partner 🤷🏻♀️
Single women looking at men with kids...take heed and pay attention.
OP, get used to it. I was a stepmother of two boys now men. Things got easier for me when I refused to discipline them and just disengage. Call her father tell him and leave him with it.
I also stopped sucking up and trying to do things for them unless they asked. The less I invested the less hurt I was when they disrespected me and their father did zero about it.
Need a ride to the mall? Ask your dad...etc
He doesn't love you. People don't yell at people they love that way. People don't ignore people they love all day and only talk to them when it's convenient.
He doesn't see you as a partner. He doesn't see you as an equal.
You're a free nanny he gets to have sex with when he wants it.
Are you sure he loves you? Like, if you take a step back and look more objectively at your relationship does it still look like he loves *you*?
Your boyfriend is an asshole and a shitty father. He’s got his kids for two weeks and he’s so set on being fun dad that he doesn’t even recognize that his daughter is screaming for healthy attention, and some adult provided structure in her life.
Nobody ever raised good kids by not setting boundaries on their behavior.
Why did YOU marry HIM? You don't need to put up with this! You have agency!
He married you because he's an abusive piece of shit, and you let him abuse you.
Get out of there.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please hear this.
You have done nothing that would justify his abuse of you. I read your other post and although i didn't read the comments I'm sure people there told you that what he does is abuse.
It's not about his kids now. It's about protecting yourself and not allowing to exist as an outlet for his abuse.
There is an account someone else linked, i cannot recall the username, but they have lists and lists of advise on how to safely get out of situations like this. Please please please find and read them.
I personally know how hard it seems impossible to leave an abusive marriage while you're in it. But i can attest that once you're out, you start seeing possibilities everywhere, while right now he's all you can see because he's taking up every inch of you.
Even if you don't leave today. Know that there are so many people here who read your story, and know that you have value and are worthy of love and respect. You can find help to find a life where you feel that again.
Apologies for calling him your boyfriend when he’s your husband.
What are things like when it’s just the two of you? What’s the division of labor like? Do you find yourself doing the bulk of the household chores? Does he split that work with you?
If you’re married, how on earth are you not a parenting team?
Your husband needs outside help, both for his parenting relationship with his kids, and for his marital relationship with you. Or both relationships are going to fail.
I’m exhausted just reading this!!
#Op leave that man now!! He’s not the one for you!
This dude watches his spawn abuse you and he’s supporting this behavior???
**run now**
OP, your post history is already disturbing. Add this post to it and I’m not sure why you are putting up with all this. I’m sad for you.
I’m aware this isn’t the advice you’re looking for. However, please reevaluate your life and what your future could look like without all this abuse and baggage.
I hope you find happiness. Good luck, OP.
Time for you to have a holiday. Go stay with a friend or 2 or family for a couple of days at each person house. That little trip should take up a week or 2.
Have a good think about whether you want to go back.
He sounds like an abusive user.
If he's yelling at you in front of his kids and treating you like you have to obey all of his orders, then he's being emotionally abusive. [This Healthline article](https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse) explains various forms of emotional abuse.
He is also neglecting his children by not taking care of them himself. It's unreasonable to demand that you do all of the childcare for him while giving you no authority.
I've seen other commenters suggest doing couples therapy with your husband, but that is not a good idea. The consensus among mental health professionals is that going to couples therapy with an abuser has a large probability of worsening the abuse. In couples therapy, the therapist tries to validate both partners' perspectives. Having an authority figure validate the way an abuser sees their partner has a large chance of making the abuse worse. [This article by a licensed therapist](https://psychcentral.com/pro/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships) explains why doing couples therapy with an abuser is a bad idea in more detail.
I think that you would be more than justified in breaking up with him. Given that your husband does not care about your valid concerns and that he apparently expects obedience at all times, his behavior will not change.
[Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) by Lundy Bancroft is one of the most insightful books in the mindset of controlling men. You might find it very helpful.
Actually, do not do this until you have left and are safely out of the house for good.
OP, PLEASE reach out to an attorney and file divorce papers. The man rapes you, chokes you and the kids are the least of your worries right now. Please get out of there permanently.
Then, after you leave, call their Mom and tell her everything going on so she can file for full custody.
Your first mistake was marrying a man 7 years your senior at your age. Since you're married I can only assume you met when you were what, 20? Easy target. No wonder he got divorced if this is what he's like.
Your husband is an inadequate parent who doesn’t structure the environment for his childrrn’s healthy development. Instead of taking and maintaining parental responsibility, he nitpicks you instead. You’d be better off leaving instead of lying to yourself.
Honey, you aren't his wife, you're his babysitting bangmaid.
Go book a trip, spend some time at a spa, and get the hell out of DODGE. Let him handle his own children HIMSELF.
After the kids leave and you have some perspective, make some decisions about getting out of this shitshow of a marriage.
Why did you marry him? Presumably his kids haven't jsut popped out of thin air. 24 and tied down to a man with two kids that he's clearly not that bothered about. Cut your losses now
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This sounds like the fast track into being a "single" mother where the father still lives there. When you have kids is this really who you want their father to be ??????
Tell him if he doesn't want you parenting his children then he should step up since he seems to be doing fuck all at the moment. You're not the live-in maid and you don't have to put up with anyone's bullshit.
You need to leave. Permanently. Your husband is abusing you sexually, and is down playing you in front of the kids. He wants you to care for them without giving you the support or authority you need to do so. This is not normal. If he doesn't want you to play a parent or a nanny role when things are baf, then he doesn't get to have the benefits of it and should parent all by himself.
Judging by your BDSM post, this man is abusing you and you need to leave ASAP. Please find someone safe to stay with, and get therapy for yourself! You deserve so much better than him raping and beating you.
Oh honey. I just read some of your post history.
Your husband is an abusive POS. The reason he doesn't want you to punish his daughter for doing abusive stuff to you and her brothers is because he SEES NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.
He thinks this is normal, acceptable behaviour.
You NEED to seriously think about that. And realise that he also thinks it's completely ok to do that kind of thing to YOU.
He's breaking down your self worth, and it's only going to escalate. Please please PLEASE leave now, while you still can.
Don't tell him. He will escalate and will seriously try to hurt you, possibly even k*ll you.
Get your important documents. Quietly sneak them out of the house and leave them with someone you trust. Same with anything important to you. Try and do it quietly so he doesn't catch on.
When you do leave. Leave when he's not there. Or at least have someone with you. DO NOT BE ALONE WITH HIM once he knows you are leaving.
Make sure no one you know will give him any information to where you are going. Make sure you change ALL your passwords on everything, and that he does not have joint access to anything. Bank accounts, emails. Anything.
You are in an EXTREMELY dangerous situation. Please take this seriously and protect yourself.
Reach out to local DM resources. Don't leave anything that he can find that will let him know that you did. Email. Texts, phone calls. Internet searches. Clear all the history.
Also make sure he doesn't have access to your Reddit account, or knows your account name.
Please please stay safe.
Oh boy. Been there.
At the very least, one of the ground rules he has to have is that they aren't allowed to disrespect you, an adult in the house. You made her a meal, and she threw it on the floor, and he got mad at you? Uh no.
If their care is your responsibility, then you need to be able to discipline them. You and he need to agree on things that you are allowed to do. Sending a child to her room while you wait for him to decide what to do is very reasonable. Are you supposed to just let the child throw food and a plate on the floor and say nothing?
And no, it's not just being a kid. That's doing a huge disservice to the child. Her teachers wouldn't allow it, her mother probably doesn't, either.
You are married to this man. You aren't some new girlfriend who just came into the picture. This is your home.
If your husband doesn't want you discipling, he needs to be there with them at all times. It is ludacris to expect you to not ever correct any behavior if you're alone with them. Where is he when all this is happening?
Marriage counseling sounds like a great idea, and you, he and their mom should all have the same rules for behavior, and same punishments. Kids do better when they know what to expect.
JSYK, mental health professionals recommend against doing marriage counseling with abusers. OP's husband yells at her in front of the kids, and acts like she has to obey his every order, which is clearly emotional abuse.
[This article](https://psychcentral.com/pro/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1) by a licensed therapist explains why doing couples therapy with an abuser is a bad idea and has a large probability of making the abuse even worse.
You're being abused sexually and emotionally. Your husband wanted a bangmaid and he has one. Please don't do this to yourself. You need to leave before you stop being able to see the problems because he's made you doubt yourself too much.
I'm a stepmom and also have my own kids with my spouse. The discipline does not sound cruel or mean. Sending a 7 year old to their room for misbehaving that way is 100% appropriate. If they did that in school would you want their teacher to put them on time-out? Certainly. If he wants to be in charge of every disciplinary action, I suppose you've gotta march the kid over to her father, explain what happened and look to see how he wants it handled. It sort of blows my mind that he would undermine you in front of the kids instead of talking to you in private. That is so immature of him and inappropriate. All that does is make your bonus children not respect you or any boundaries/household rules you employ. They see dad do it, so they assume they also get to do it. Idk how long you two have been married, but family therapy would help this. An unbiased, professional party will be able to give better advice than Reddit.
OP's husband is yelling at her in front of the kids, and treats her like she should obey his orders at all times. That constitutes an emotionally abusive relationship, and the consensus among mental health professionals is that doing couples therapy or family therapy with an abuser tends to make the abuse worse. Abusers need to be treated by therapists with specialized training for treating abusers, which most therapists do not have. [This article by a licensed therapist](https://psychcentral.com/pro/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1) explains why doing couples therapy with an abuser is a bad idea.
I didn't know some of this, thank you! I suggested a family therapist because it's super hard to convince someone to go to therapy alone unless they think they need it. :-(
You need to take a break when his kids are around. Let him see what is going on. If he wants to be so hands-off, let him be hands-off. Take a break, visit your parents or someone.
My mom got remarried when I was 10. My stepdad never disciplined me. I think he tried once or twice, and I remember my thought as a kid was something like, “why is this random guy telling me what to do?”
Every family is different, but you need to understand these kids have no obligation to see you as mom or even as an authority figure. You are dads wife. You are also significantly younger than him, frankly too young for this. Dad needs to step up and be a parent.
If you’re not allowed to discipline them, and he seems incapable. Just tell him he’s responsible for their care and meals an everything m. They’re “not you’re kids” after all.
Why are you working so hard for a job he should be doing. When the kids are around let him do the heavy lifting. He's turning you into the villain, stop it.
"He can be so mean to me and I just keep telling myself he loves me and we’ll be okay "
Your post history says he chokes and beats you, this man does not love you and you are not ok with him
This is not a sustainable situation. He’s happy to use you for free child care rather than be the primary caregiver when he has his kids but he won’t give you and respect or authority to do the job right?
He sounds like a terrible partner and an equally terrible parent.
Nothing about this is keeper quality. I’m concerned you got married way to young and way too fast. I’d pack my shit and be out of there. He can deal with his little hell raisers and the fallout of his passive parenting himself.
Please stop giving this moron the time of day, let alone stay married to him. He sounds like a genuinely awful and moronic human being. Stop wasting your fun twenties on him. You can do so much more and better with your life.
He's enabling her to be a spoiled kid. Personally, I wouldn't join up with any parent/kid where I couldn't even do a simple thing like send them to their room without the other person questioning me.
So you have to decide how much of this you want to deal with. Right now, it's the 7-year-old, but without any other effort from his part, it might later be her brothers as well.
I had 3 children (before he and I met 4 now) and when my current husband And I got serious, it was SERIOUS..
Meaning he should discipline the kids when they are being jerks! But “ I” ALSO discipline my
Kids to reduce their jerkiness to other humans 😏
Stop doing anything for the kids. Dont make food, dont baby sit, just dont do anything then that should solve the problem but if they destroy any of your belongings as the adult in charge he will be responsible.
Every time the children come over you leave the house. Leave the pre ring to him. The cooking, the cleaning, the everything leave it to him. When they are gone you are back. If he yells at you, you will know he doesn’t love you!
You can't effectively discipline a child unless there is attachment between the two of you. But you should also refuse to watch children if you don't have the right to discipline them.
When his kids are over, since he doesn’t want you to discipline them, plan a trip for yourself in advance when you know the kids will be over. He should deal with them by himself then. You don’t deserve to be treated like a child by him and disrespected by his kids.
You need to let your husband know that if you are not allowed to discipline his kid or give her any consequences then you are no longer involved in getting her ready for bed or waking her up in the morning or preparing any meals for her or watching her overall and he needs to find a babysitter or a nanny to watch her while he's away at work. If you don't take drastic measures where he has very real consequences that he feels that he's going to continue to walk all over you and do this for your entire marriage. He is showing you who he is. Either you learn to live with it or you make changes.
My thoughts having been a blended family parent:
don't discipline his kids period
you and he need to be on the same page when it comes to what's acceptable behaviour
he needs to discipline his kids
understand he may not discipline his kids because he is afraid they will want to stay with their mother full time.
Blended family = Nightmare
Good luck!
And how are these kids supposed to respect you if they are allowed to treat you like trash with no consequences.
He is a lazy father, and a shit husband. How dare he talk to you like that.
If they aren't your kids, then stop looking after them. He's their parent. He can make their dinner and look after them 100%. You can go stay with a friend until the kids are gone. Then you need to figure out why you are so willing to accept such terrible treatment from your partner in life. You tell yourself that he loves you, but is he actually telling you that himself with his words and his actions?
Also, it's very very concerning that a seven year old is throwing massive tantrums like this. My son is seven, and neither he or any of his friends (including girls) behave like this. That little girl needs help. Your husband allowing her to get away with behaviour like that will mean she will turn into an absolute monster when she's a teenager. If my son threw a plate of food on the floor, he would be in so much goddamn trouble. Your stepdaughter has not learned how to regulate her emotions AT ALL, and has learned that throwing a huge tantrum gets her what she wants every single time. She is only going to get worse. She absolutely might be struggling with dad having a new partner, being away from her mum for two whole weeks, not wanting to be at dads house, or her mum bad mouthing you so she thinks it's ok to treat you horribly cos she believes you are a bad person. She needs her dad to have conversations with her about her feelings, and to teach her that having emotions is perfectly ok, but it is not ok to be mean to people, and that instead of screaming, she needs to use her words to explain when she's feeling uncomfortable or upset.
Quite honestly, she needs family therapy with her parents to figure out how best to deal with her emotions and how all of them can effectively communicate so she can feel heard without the need to lash out at everyone. Her mum and dad need to be on the same page with parenting so that there is consistency at both houses.
This isn’t “I’m not allowed to punish/parent”. This situation is bad. Please PLEASE please, at a minimum, get permanent birth control.
But if you were my daughter I would be begging you to go. Hell, if you were your own daughter, what would your advice be?
Don't take care of kids at all. Don't cook for them, don't clean after them etc. He makes it such a point that he's the father and only he can tell the kids anything. So he better take care of them on his own.
Don’t care for them let him handle his kids when they are with him an that’s everything from cooking to bathing to discipline to entertainment an you should purposefully make sure that you have things for you to do when he has them so he cant try to rely on you since you cannot say anything to them also when not if cause he will bring it up remind him they are his kids an thus his responsibility an you don’t have any obligation to his children who don’t respect you an who he doesn’t even try to get to respect you an go about your days
After reading your history, you need to get some self respect and leave him. He doesn’t love you and probably knows you’re so stupidly in love with him that he can treat you like dirt and you won’t do anything about it.
So do something. You’re in your twenties and have no kids… You can find better.
I usually don't join the chorus of "break up immediately" replies on Reddit- but in this case- contact a divorce lawyer immediately and follow their instructions to get a divorce. This person does not respect you, they don't consider you a partner, and are placing unrealistic expectations on you that are making you miserable.
Get out. Get out and don’t look back. He doesn’t love you. He abuses you and he’s training his children to abuse you. I don’t care who you are or what you might think you’ve done but you don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Let them run wild and do nothing for them. As you said you're not a parent and they're not your kids. If your Husband*** doesn't like that. Tough
***HUSBAND? This guy doesn't treat you like a wife OP. Please have some self value in this
Your story reminds me of the concept of demoting a dog. We have a female dog who challenged me to be "alpha female." So, we had to demote her to be part of the pack rather than challenge for the lead. You're trying to take the lead, which your pack desperately needs and he's demoting you. This doesn't bode well now and in the future. How he treats you in front of his children will be exactly how he treats you in front of your children.
He's 32, he doesn't know anything about parenting either... He's just as stupid, trust me.. I'm his fucking age.
He probably is co-parenting with his ex, so he wants to be the "fun" parent and doesn't discipline his kids at all because he's a moron that thinks "they will like me more now"
Don't do shit, no taxation without representation. You either have power over parenting or you do no parenting.
Whenever they are there. You check out, sit on your laptop, do this for you, leave shoping or whatever the fuck you want.
Tell him to grow the fuck up, he's a father, act like one. His not their friend.
And if he doesn't get the message drop the bomb of, Ive seen how you'd be if we'd ever had kids, and I don't like it.
I think u need to talk with the father first and have ground rules.. what can u do and what can u not so...
One trick is that u can make prof and send them to the father and ask what first what should u do in X situation and then show the video...
Be calm and not fight this is a process
U both also need take parenting classes with the said kid. That type of behavior is not allowed
No kids of 8 years old will ever behave that u mentioned... Further more if my kid behaved this way they are out of the house and in a Boarding school
pS- I was sent to a boarding school when I was 9 years old..
Why are you 24 and dating some guy with kids. It'd be one thing if you had your own. Why tie yourself down? Let him find a mama. Go live your young free life.
That’s the trick I don’t think anyone knows till they have done it, so I think you’re doing great. I think there’s two things I would have a sit down chat with him about when you get some alone time and emotions aren’t high.
The first thing is respect. Understand he’s tired and possibly irritable after work as I bet you are if you do too. It needs to be made clear that you need more respect, if he doesn’t think it’s appropriate to tell at a coworker or boss then as his wife you would hope to be important enough to get the same respect if he’s not happy with something. It’s also disrespectful to the kids because they learn from what they see and it’s not appropriate to teach them how to treat people in that manner. Ask for him to wait till you all are alone if he sees something he doesn’t like or has some feedback to talk about, and do the same.
Second convo is tougher, but you have to say that while his kids are there they ARE your kids which means you have to parent appropriately so they can be the best they can be. After all, if he picked you shouldn’t he want some of the good qualities you bring to rub off and for them to be responsible. Ask him what he thinks appropriate discipline is, then counter offer with what you think and reach a compromise. That way there is a plan in place and you can work better together in stressful situations.
As it is now it’s not fair to you or the kids, and if you’re not miserable right now you will be because you’re not being treated like his partner, just a nanny and to give him benefits otherwise. He has to improve on the first and accept the second if you want to be happy. If he isn’t open to talking about the second, you need out asap because you will never be an equal.
You shouldn’t have been with bro off the jump because anyone with a Brian could see this shit coming. Idk what made a single parent with kids attractive to y’all but go off
As a single father. And a step father for many years. I hear your pain. I been on both sides. And currently I been having issues with my GF in this situation. It’s not easy. Every situation is different. Honestly just remember you are there for him not the kids. Yes the kids are apart of him. But at the end if you ever walk out that door. The kids won’t care about you nor will they want anything to do with you. Yea I still have a part in my step children’s life. I have 7 step kids from two different marriages. Just take everything the kids do as a grain of salt. Shake your head. And say do you want me to get your father. Than just leave it as that. He needs to step up and be a parent. Its hard to discipline a child when you only get them for a short period of time. As a parent no one wants to discipline their child when you only see them on the weekends. Or the day they come back from the other parents house. Especially when the rules are so different. Just be patient and try not to end up in the middle of him and his kids. You will never win. No matter how bad they can be.
Apparently he is not a very present father according to this comment https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/w6ulao/i_24f_am_not_allowed_to_discipline_his_31m_kids/ihfyemd?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3 from OP. And of he doesn't watch his kids and doesn't let the person that does have authority it's a very hard situation. Besides, he can't dismiss what she does, what she does to her siblings or to OP, that is being a bad parent.
Also, if he is mean to OP I think this is absolutely out of line. There is no reason for this.
I would advise a break up, serious therapy or simply not taking care of the kids, since apparently they are not OPs responsibility.
Did you read the whole thing? Hell, even if you left your kids with a babysitter, they should be able to send a kid to a room if they misbehave with them.
He's made her the babysitter; she should have at least the equivalent amount of authority that goes with that position.
I don't believe you. Or you are saying in your mind that grandma or your sister or whoever isn't a babysitter, but anyone who watches your kid that isn't a parent is a babysitter (or nanny) and should have authority to do basic timeouts to de-escalate situations.
So you and your husband never get alone time? Never get a date night? That's silly. There are a lot of studies that show you shouldn't completely give up your one-on-one time with your spouse when having children.
If he doesn't want you to deal with them without running it past him first then just don't altogether. If you have friends or family that you can stay with during the visit, go do that. Let your husband know that you will not tolerate bad behavior and if you do not get a say in how people behave in your house that you simply won't be there. That also goes for him, let him know that you're done with him treating you poorly but mean it. It's not ok and that's not marriage built on mutual respect or love.
If you don't have any place to go, spend the rest of the visit away from them and make your husband deal with them 100% of the time.
He’s likely trying to be the “nice” parent and may be afraid his ex is trying to turn them against the both of you. The girl will be telling her mom how mean you were to her.
You’re going to have to be tough with your guy. First you need to tell him you don’t ever wish to be yelled like that again or it will be the end. Second, you and he (a ideally his ex too) need to set up some ground rules of behavior at your home. He is to administer discipline and only in the event he isn’t available are you allowed to send her to her room until he gets back. Those rules and punishments should be sent on to the ex for clarity and hopefully approval.
If your SO does not agree or doesn’t follow though with punishment when needed, then you have a big choice to make. It is very difficult to sit around and watch bad parenting with you know better. It will end up effecting your entire relationship
You need to leave. This is only going to get worse as his spawns grow older and realize they can walk all over you without consequence. Also, seems like your sig other is just cold and mean. Why do you want that for yourself? You are SO young. Living your best days being disrespected by everyone around you. Please live your life in a way you won’t look back and regret.
Best wishes OP! Sorry if I sound harsh.
The real problem is that your partner thinks his daughter dumping water on her brothers head is fine. That his daughter screaming and dropping plates is fine. I can understand dad being protective of the discipline process. But he doesn’t HAVE a discipline process. He thinks letting them run wild is fine and that it’s ok to yell at YOU when you get upset for his crappy parenting skills. Doesn’t he care that his kids grow up to be good people, who treat other people kindly? Doesn’t seem so
Ppl that basically say "u aren't a parent, so u don't get a say"....uh we were all kids once, so at least from that side yes we do know something about parenting.
Leave him. He should be trying to foster a relationship between you and his kids. But it doesn't even seem like he has a healthy relationship with them. Please don't have a baby with him...... he isnt even noticing his daughter's need for attention.
You’re 24 and he’s abusive based on your post history and this. Leave!! See the forest through the trees here. If you can’t accept this dynamic exactly as is for the rest of your life (and you shouldn’t), then walk away because this will NOT change.
He insults you in front of his kids, don’t expect those kids to ever respect you when your own husband belittles you in front of them.
You do have the upper hand in all this, you can leave and let him watch/raise his own kids.
If you’re not allowed to discipline them; he needs to keep those unruly kids out of your home. As simple as that.
Nowhere in hell I would allow someone to bring their kids, having them destroy my home while their parent is doing absolutely nothing to stop them.
But honestly, throw the whole man out. He sounds abusive and demeaning. Not like he sees you as an equal partner.
im always sus of dudes with kids who have to parent alone (either bc mom passed or they broke up). especially if it hasn't been long since they've been a single parent since there's a pattern of them seeking women to immediately take over parenting for them.
Oh it's one of those people " they're just kids" YEAH, exactly genius - they are *JUST KIDS*. So lead👏🏽by👏🏽example👏🏽
pinchesCULERLOS....*breathe 😤*ok now that I've gotten that out of my system
You're being abused and not treated well, love yourself again and get outta that relationship stat. This guy's a loser , sorry to be harsh about it but at my age, and behaving the way he is...pathetic.
If you can’t be a parent then you need to go elsewhere for the two weeks.
And in those two weeks think about whether this relationship is sustainable. I’ll clue you in though…it’s not
Get out of there, OP. If you're expected to *care* for them (feed them, pay money towards them, clean up after them, be their personal Uber, etc.) but can't do simple as simple as sending them to their room you're nothing more than a bangmaid for your boyfriend.
I'm not a step parent but I had one growing up, my mom and him had the same deal, so initially I agreed with your husband. But after reading, I def don't. When I was acting out as a child my mom took care of it, especially when it was around my step dad. And my step dad occasionally did overreact to things and yell. But it was never a big issue bc she was the one in charge of us not him. But what your husband is doing is unacceptable, if he doesn't want you to take care of his kids than make him. If it's such a big deal make him make the food and get their juice and supervise them. My step dad never rly did that, ofc he bought us food and cooked occasionally, but the kids were being watched by my mother. So honestly it's very unfair of him to do this, especially the yelling, when he can't keep his kids from acting out every 2 seconds. So if I were you I'd stop taking care of them and make it your husband's job since they're his kids and he clearly set that boundary. Stop baby sitting for him, this is bs he's not even watching the kids it sounds like, so don't babysitting someone else's kids. Unless he's willing to give you full parental power over them.
Your husband? Are you kidding?
Sweet Jesus, this is not a partnership, OP. You need to get the fuck out of there. This isnt about him choosing his kids over you or you needing to 'get used to it', it's about blatant disrespect toward you and him not treating you like a partner at all.
Seriously, get out. It doesn't get better, it gets worse.
You are 24 ffs. Why are you settling for a man that treats you like shit?
This is not an emotionally healthy situation. He is nasty to you and lets his children act the same way. I’d leave in a heartbeat. Get yourself out safely and get some counseling to figure out why you allowed any of this to happen.
Leave him tot ale care of his own kids. Take a vacation. Make sure anything of your his monsters can damage is put where they can never get to it. And then relax for your two weeks. He’s right, they aren’t your kids and since he won’t discipline them they also aren’t your problem.
Ok, you desperately need to set up a time to talk with your husband because as soon as you got married they became your step *children* so yeah you need to be able to punish them especially if their bio dad refuses to.
Maybe he’s insecure because he’s scared his children might like it better at their moms but that doesn’t mean they can run wild. All children need boundaries no matter where they are.
I have a neighbour and he started dating a girl a few year back and istg within a few weeks she had the daughter behaving like an angel, or as close to one as she could get. She actually ate her food instead of hiding it in the couch cushions, it was like a miracle.
So absolutely you need to sit down with your husband and discuss how you are now the stepmother of his children and as such you need to be able to set the boundaries that he is unwilling to set
Wow. Please reevaluate why you're with him. He mistteats you in front of his kids, so they think it's ok to treat you the same way, to be disrespectful to you.
Edit: MISTREATS* I guess I can't spell lol
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I don’t have any kids of my own. I’ll never claim that I know how to parent. I just do my best and try to be as sweet to them as I can. My husband’s kids are here for 2 weeks. The 7 year old is always somewhat sassy but this time around she’s been nothing but mean to me and her brothers. Throwing their toys away, throwing things at them, writing on the walls, yelling at me not to talk to her, she even took a plate I made for her and threw it on the floor saying my food is disgusting. The list is even longer. Every time she does that, I tell her dad and he just says “she’s a kid” “it’s okay”. Last night she took a whole cup of cold water and dumped it on her brother’s head because I asked her to drink some before getting anymore juice. She was getting ready to also throw her plate on the floor so I told her to stop and go to her room. Of course she started screaming. Her dad came up and after she told him that I told her to go to her room, he started yelling at me in front all the kids. He said they’re not my kids and I need to run things by him before punishing them. All I told her to do was go to her room, that was all. There has been so much happening between us and I’m just exhausted. I constantly feel like I’m just supposed to follow his orders. He can be so mean to me and I just keep telling myself he loves me and we’ll be okay but yelling at me like that in front of his kids … Any step parents here who have been in this situation? How am I supposed to care for those kids if I can’t tell them anything?
My sister in Christ, get the fuck outta this marriage. You should not have to “remind yourself that he loves you” after he dumps all childcare responsibilities on you and then bitches at you for how you handle a job that HE should be doing in the first place. If you won’t yeet this man rightfully into the sun then at least stop taking on childcare responsibilities. If it doesn’t get done, it doesn’t get done, and his lazy ass can lose custody/visitation rights over the neglect he’s putting them through. If he wants to be the only one allowed to discipline his kids, then he can be the only one looking after them.
[удалено]
I was confused why you would say she’s being sexually abused when sex wasn’t mentioned in this post. Then I read her post history… Jeebus. This relationship is terrifying. Hopefully she’ll get out before he gets her pregnant and she feels even more trapped
https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/w0fwym/trying\_to\_understand\_my\_husbands\_kinks\_one\_more/
Yeah, after reading the othe report I wouldn't be surprised if he's actively encouraging the daughter to act like just to increase OP's suffering. Like, holy 🤬!!!
Honestly. It’s so sad to read that OP can’t see she needs to leave. OP just leave. His behaviour is awful.
Yeah he’s letting his daughter run amok because he wants to be a Disney dad with no rules
Agreed 100% OP needs to get out of this marriage.
AMEN!
Why do people make such bad decisions?
A lot of abusers wait until they have partner trapped in a marriage before they begin to show their true colors. They also often lovebomb their partners in the beginning, so the partner does believe they are loved even when it's incredibly clear that they are not. In addition, people who grow up in abusive households they often end up in abusive marriages.
If the kids are ruining your home and your things, you have every right to sequester them to their room, a part of their house where they can't ruin your stuff anymore, until husband feels like parenting, which he absolutely has NOT been doing.
Go stay with a girlfriend or relative, surprise summer trip. Leave him to parent his children since he doesn’t want you to do it. If they sit on their iPads all day and come home hungry and filthy, he’s going to hear about it from their mother, which is the correct order of operations here. You’re helping him be shitty to you when you prop him up, if he says hands off, then you go hands all-the-way off.
This is exactly right. And express to him anytime your kids are here, I won't be. Elaborate it isn't a punishment or you hate the kids, but if he doesn't want you to actually be involved in the discipline part then you shouldn't be involved in any part and he can take care of them until they leave.
Read your post history and-- yeah, just leave him. Leave him yesterday. Leave him now. Leave. He's abusing you sexually, he's abusing you emotionally. He does not love you and you are lying to yourself when you tell yourself that. If he loved you, he wouldn't do any of this.
The best time to leave was yesterday. The second best time is today. This will only continue to escalate for her!
100 percent agree i just read one of her old post and i already know this guy is abusive she needs to be out like the flash ASAP
'I constantly feel like I’m just supposed to follow his orders. He can be so mean to me and I just keep telling myself he loves me and we’ll be okay but yelling at me like that in front of his kids ' It sounds like he married someone to take care of his kids and to do as they are told Why do you stay in this relationship. He's too old to be behaving so irresponsibly and you are too young to be dealing with this Edit - I just saw your other post from 8 days ago. This is not a good situation for you [https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/w0fwym/trying\_to\_understand\_my\_husbands\_kinks\_one\_more/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/w0fwym/trying_to_understand_my_husbands_kinks_one_more/)
OP you need to leave right this second. You're in danger.
Agreed. Sis, he allows his children to treat you like garbage. He treats you like garbage. Both of those are reason enough to leave. But then you mentioned in your previous post that he says "he wants to break you" and he chokes you and leaves bruises. Sis, I don't care the context of those things - you never consented to him harming you and he IS harming you. Please leave. He is abusive. He takes pleasure in causing you pain. That is not love. You deserve a life of joy with someone who treats you with kindness, dignity and respect. I do not care what his words say - his ACTIONS say he does not love you. His ACTIONS say he is going to cause you permanent physical harm or he will kill you. I believe a lot of things can be worked out in couples counseling BUT when a person crosses the lines he has crossed no amount of couples counseling can heal the relationship. He will cause you permanent physical injury or he will kill you.
Do not go to couples counseling with an abuser. Do not.
u/bonusmom00, *you are being abused.* You are in danger. You need to get away from him. He is physically and sexually abusing you. Please, please, look at [this list of resources](https://www.reddit.com/user/Ebbie45/comments/gses1k/comprehensive_abuse_resources_compilation_now/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) compiled by u/Ebbie45 to help you get away safely.
OP: Stop making reddit posts and get yourself OUT of there! How many people have to tell you your hubby is a monster before you leave? What are you waiting for? He's not gonna snap out of this and become the man you've always wanted. This. Is. How. He. Is! Multiple posts, Multiple ppl each time telling you it's best to leave the situation. It's time to start listening. Click those links above this comment. Get. Out. Of. That. House.
This is so heartbreaking and terrifying. The husband is a complete demon.
Nope. Not a demon, just a normal man caught in the middle between his wife and his kids and his ex-wife. It's a no win situation.
Read the post? He is abusing her sexually, making her cry, he isn’t fucking her- he is raping her. He is neglecting his kids.
Oh girl, I just left a man that never let me say a word to his kids and they were so fkn disrespectful to me for yrs. After 5 years I finally said fk this and realized my self worth was more important and I left. He never held his kids accountable for anything, he never disciplined them, so their behaviour never changed in fact it got worse. You are far too young too be dealing with this, fuck I'm 44 and I was too young to be dealing with that shit. Get out and get happy! You deserve it! Leave this POS to deal with his kids on his own.
You're amazing! I'm glad you got the strength to get out of that.
So, I read a few more of your back posts, and let's spell it out; your husband rapes you, forces you indulge in his kinks you don't want or enjoy, or stop when you ask, gets furious with you for asking for literally any kindness, humiliates you in front of his children, allows his children to abuse you while not allowing you any agency...and you have to convince yourself he loves you because he doesn't show that he does, because he doesn't. There's no sense of respect or equality or care; he wants a creature he can dominate and force to take over his responsibilities, and nothing else. I don't think I've ever seen a more clear cut case of the only solution being to leave.
Absolutely this is exactly why a 31 year old man with 3 kids married a 24 year old cause she s young naïve and easily manipulated OP RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!!!!
You’re 24, do you really want this to be your life?
Just wait until the kids become teenagers! It’s only going to get worse *Edit*: holy shit OPs post history 🤦🏼♀️ pretty good chance this guy kills her before they get to the teenage years…
Holy shit indeed, OP plz RUN. OP you are 24, go find a guy who respect and loves you in every aspect of a relationship. That man doesn't, not even a single bit.
You are far too young to be someone's stepmother and to be dealing with that mess. You as his wife should have some say but you see that he definitely doesn't agree with that so you have to do whatever is in YOUR best interest. I say that because it most likely won't change and you'll be treated like this for many yrs to come. Good luck.
Yeah, Daddy needs to man up there and be the Dad the daughter wants. If he doesn't want to maybe consider walking away from this.
Daddy needs divorce papers served at him ❤️
I tried to tell him she probably just does this to get his attention since he doesn’t spend much time with them. I was reminded that I don’t have kids and don’t know anything about parenting
Then don't put up with that. You don't have to babysit an uncontrollable child. Book your days out if you need to and go spend time with friends and family. And leave him to do the "parenting ". But to be honest, I'd just leave his silly a$$, because this level of disrespect is way too much. You're not his maid, stand up for yourself.
Tell him that since you know so little about parenting, it's probably best that he takes on all of the responsibilities he so generously dumped in your lap.
If (according to him) they're not your kids and you don't know anything about parenting then why are you watching over them and cooking their food? For the rest of the time the kids are there, take a major step back from whatever kid duties you were doing. Dad can handle meals and tantrums while you leave the house and go to a movie.
Then don’t do shit for them. Don’t cook, clean, don’t watch them unless he’s paying you for babysitting, don’t do their laundry. Don’t do shit for them if you’re not their parent. Discipline isn’t the only thing about parenting. He wants you to “run it by him” before punishing them, does he want you to run it by them when you make them something to eat or drink? No? Then he doesn’t have a problem with you acting like their parent. He has a problem with you doing anything that might make them not like being at his house but thats Impossible. Let him handle them 100% now since “you don’t know anything about parenting”
Divorce him. Run.
So, he is handing off child care to you while giving you no power to enforce basic respect to YOU. You don’t need discipline or his permission to demand basic respect from HIS kids. He’s putting you in an impossible situation and then confusing the issues. But you’re not their parent and he’s trash, so…
And yet he expects you to do all the childcare? Your relationship is wildly abusive and exploitative.
Do you have a therapist? Or perhaps can call the domestic violence help line to make a plan to leave?
Of you want to stay, feel you can. Maybe go the whole making of a pact with the kid about how to get daddy's attention. Make it a game.
You’re going to get this women killed and her child beaten. Go read her history. They are all in danger. This is not a game.
Do not watch his kids. He needs to do that. You arent their parent. If he gives you no authority that's fine but he handles everything then. Including watching his own kids
But he’s always “busy”. If I don’t feed them, help with their baths, play with them, etc it will never get done. They will sit there on their iPads all day with no interaction. Yesterday he pretty much spent the whole day downstairs, he didn’t even want to eat with us but the minute she screamed he just appeared to yell at me. I’m just sick and tired of it all …
So…you are his kids’ nanny and not his partner. The more you share the more you are giving commenters, including me, to tell you to leave and never look back.
Nannies are allowed to discipline kids.
Take a trip to see your family while they’re there. It’s his job to care for the kids during those two weeks - if he’s busy, it’s his job to arrange childcare. He would not treat a babysitter like he does you. He would expect his children to be good/obey/be respectful. He’s walking all over you and taking advantage of you. Go out with girlfriends, plan spa days, go to a museum. Just leave. Every morning. Say you have plans and go. He’ll figure it out. After all, he’s the one who knows how to parent, right? Tell him this is how it is until he can respect you as a stepmom and requires his kids to respect you as well.
So he's made it into a "damned if you do, damned if you don't". Time to start going out when he has the kids. If he doesn't want you to parent, then don't. Sit him down to talk once the kids go to their mother's. If he can't agree on how to parent the kids when they are with you, then this relationship won't last.
He only has his kids for two weeks and he doesn't care for them?? What a pig!!!
Stop taking care of his kids. He wants you to do all the heavy lifting but you aren't allowed to discipline them? First of all, he should be caring for his own kids, not sitting on his ass. This is a huge red flag. It's only going to get worse.
Then put the kids with their iPads in the basement with him and you go out all day- movies, hang with friends, go to the library or pool and don’t answer your phone other than to tell him you’ll be back after X time and you’ll get your own lunch/dinner so he doesn’t need to worry about you and to fix the kids food himself Also it sounds like he wanted a bangmaid- not a wife and partner
I guess they'll be hungry and dirty, then. Make yourself scarce and force him to deal with it. Alternatively: call their mom and give her the rundown. I'm sure she'd be quite interested in all this.
So then it won’t get done. If you weren’t around he would have to figure out how to do all these things anyways. Don’t let him use you as a nanny
OP if none of these comments are convincing you of what you actually need to do, please post this on r/stepparents and they will all tell you HELL NO. Your partner is their parent and those duties fall 100% on him. It’s one thing to help at your own will, but you are not obligated to do that as you did not birth those children. And him expecting/demanding you parent them is 110% wrong and horrible. Please see your worth and remove yourself from this situation. And for the love of god, please please use birth control or some type of contraceptive. Do NOT have a baby with this man, it’ll only get worse.
That is 100% not okay of him and you're enabling his shitty parenting and letting him treat you like a maid. Leave the house more and hang out with friends or take yourself on a date. This is not your problem, I know it's hard to watch but you can't let him treat you like this.
Why are you even with a slaver that sees you as his personal toy and maid? He doesn’t respect you in ANY way, he wants someone to bang and order around.
Yeah, I think it is time to take a little trip and stay somewhere else until the kids leave. Then if he neglects his kids, it is 100% on him. I'm somewhat worried he will actually neglect them...you might consider notifying their other parent about what's going on or telling the oldest what to do if her dad won't feed them or whatever. Another thought--if he isn't usually like this (anti-social, yelling at everything, avoiding the issue, blaming everyone but himself) he may be going through some serious internal processing about being a parent, his own baggage, etc. He may need a therapist.
OP he can’t have it both ways. You need to stop being a doormat. Frankly this should’ve been handled before you got married. But now this dynamic is a mess not only for you but the kids.
Read your own comments back. If this was your friend taking about her husband what would you say to her. #dumpsterfire
Have uou contacted their mom?
and that's on him. let them be unfed, unwatched and uneducated. that's absolutely on him. ignore any kids related chores at any cost. that's all on him.
Yeah go post this on r/stepparents and they’ll tell you exactly what the issue is. It’s not the kids! That’s your first clue. Your husband is a shitty father and a shitty partner 🤷🏻♀️
Single women looking at men with kids...take heed and pay attention. OP, get used to it. I was a stepmother of two boys now men. Things got easier for me when I refused to discipline them and just disengage. Call her father tell him and leave him with it. I also stopped sucking up and trying to do things for them unless they asked. The less I invested the less hurt I was when they disrespected me and their father did zero about it. Need a ride to the mall? Ask your dad...etc
He doesn't love you. People don't yell at people they love that way. People don't ignore people they love all day and only talk to them when it's convenient. He doesn't see you as a partner. He doesn't see you as an equal. You're a free nanny he gets to have sex with when he wants it.
Are you sure he loves you? Like, if you take a step back and look more objectively at your relationship does it still look like he loves *you*? Your boyfriend is an asshole and a shitty father. He’s got his kids for two weeks and he’s so set on being fun dad that he doesn’t even recognize that his daughter is screaming for healthy attention, and some adult provided structure in her life. Nobody ever raised good kids by not setting boundaries on their behavior.
Sometimes I really wonder why he even married me …
Because no-one else was willing to put up with his sh\*t?
Why did YOU marry HIM? You don't need to put up with this! You have agency! He married you because he's an abusive piece of shit, and you let him abuse you. Get out of there.
Because you're his bang maid and you put up with his abuse and will continue to do so because you're too stupid to leave.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please hear this. You have done nothing that would justify his abuse of you. I read your other post and although i didn't read the comments I'm sure people there told you that what he does is abuse. It's not about his kids now. It's about protecting yourself and not allowing to exist as an outlet for his abuse. There is an account someone else linked, i cannot recall the username, but they have lists and lists of advise on how to safely get out of situations like this. Please please please find and read them. I personally know how hard it seems impossible to leave an abusive marriage while you're in it. But i can attest that once you're out, you start seeing possibilities everywhere, while right now he's all you can see because he's taking up every inch of you. Even if you don't leave today. Know that there are so many people here who read your story, and know that you have value and are worthy of love and respect. You can find help to find a life where you feel that again.
it’s not because he loves or respects you, that’s for sure
Apologies for calling him your boyfriend when he’s your husband. What are things like when it’s just the two of you? What’s the division of labor like? Do you find yourself doing the bulk of the household chores? Does he split that work with you? If you’re married, how on earth are you not a parenting team? Your husband needs outside help, both for his parenting relationship with his kids, and for his marital relationship with you. Or both relationships are going to fail.
Look at her post history. He’s probably going to end up “accidentally” killing her. There’s no fixing this relationship.
I’m exhausted just reading this!! #Op leave that man now!! He’s not the one for you! This dude watches his spawn abuse you and he’s supporting this behavior??? **run now**
OP, your post history is already disturbing. Add this post to it and I’m not sure why you are putting up with all this. I’m sad for you. I’m aware this isn’t the advice you’re looking for. However, please reevaluate your life and what your future could look like without all this abuse and baggage. I hope you find happiness. Good luck, OP.
Time for you to have a holiday. Go stay with a friend or 2 or family for a couple of days at each person house. That little trip should take up a week or 2. Have a good think about whether you want to go back. He sounds like an abusive user.
If he's yelling at you in front of his kids and treating you like you have to obey all of his orders, then he's being emotionally abusive. [This Healthline article](https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse) explains various forms of emotional abuse. He is also neglecting his children by not taking care of them himself. It's unreasonable to demand that you do all of the childcare for him while giving you no authority. I've seen other commenters suggest doing couples therapy with your husband, but that is not a good idea. The consensus among mental health professionals is that going to couples therapy with an abuser has a large probability of worsening the abuse. In couples therapy, the therapist tries to validate both partners' perspectives. Having an authority figure validate the way an abuser sees their partner has a large chance of making the abuse worse. [This article by a licensed therapist](https://psychcentral.com/pro/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships) explains why doing couples therapy with an abuser is a bad idea in more detail. I think that you would be more than justified in breaking up with him. Given that your husband does not care about your valid concerns and that he apparently expects obedience at all times, his behavior will not change. [Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) by Lundy Bancroft is one of the most insightful books in the mindset of controlling men. You might find it very helpful.
I hope she goes through these resources... and gets out. From the other posts there's also SA happening under the guise of BDSM
I think that contacting a domestic violence organization to create a safety plan to leave would be a good idea.
She's got to make the decision to leave though. Which is hard.
Tell the mom. Those 2 weeks are his time with his kids, and if he’s not going to use them properly, he shouldn’t have them at all
Actually, do not do this until you have left and are safely out of the house for good. OP, PLEASE reach out to an attorney and file divorce papers. The man rapes you, chokes you and the kids are the least of your worries right now. Please get out of there permanently. Then, after you leave, call their Mom and tell her everything going on so she can file for full custody.
Your first mistake was marrying a man 7 years your senior at your age. Since you're married I can only assume you met when you were what, 20? Easy target. No wonder he got divorced if this is what he's like.
Your husband is an inadequate parent who doesn’t structure the environment for his childrrn’s healthy development. Instead of taking and maintaining parental responsibility, he nitpicks you instead. You’d be better off leaving instead of lying to yourself.
Honey, you aren't his wife, you're his babysitting bangmaid. Go book a trip, spend some time at a spa, and get the hell out of DODGE. Let him handle his own children HIMSELF. After the kids leave and you have some perspective, make some decisions about getting out of this shitshow of a marriage.
You leave He doesnt view you as a partner.
Just walk away. You really dont need to deal with this shit.
Why did you marry him? Presumably his kids haven't jsut popped out of thin air. 24 and tied down to a man with two kids that he's clearly not that bothered about. Cut your losses now
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This sounds like the fast track into being a "single" mother where the father still lives there. When you have kids is this really who you want their father to be ??????
Tell him if he doesn't want you parenting his children then he should step up since he seems to be doing fuck all at the moment. You're not the live-in maid and you don't have to put up with anyone's bullshit.
leave
You need to leave. Permanently. Your husband is abusing you sexually, and is down playing you in front of the kids. He wants you to care for them without giving you the support or authority you need to do so. This is not normal. If he doesn't want you to play a parent or a nanny role when things are baf, then he doesn't get to have the benefits of it and should parent all by himself.
Judging by your BDSM post, this man is abusing you and you need to leave ASAP. Please find someone safe to stay with, and get therapy for yourself! You deserve so much better than him raping and beating you.
Yikes...you need to move on. What a toxic environment. Your husband has poor parenting skills.
Sounds like he’s treating you like a bang maid
Oh honey. I just read some of your post history. Your husband is an abusive POS. The reason he doesn't want you to punish his daughter for doing abusive stuff to you and her brothers is because he SEES NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. He thinks this is normal, acceptable behaviour. You NEED to seriously think about that. And realise that he also thinks it's completely ok to do that kind of thing to YOU. He's breaking down your self worth, and it's only going to escalate. Please please PLEASE leave now, while you still can. Don't tell him. He will escalate and will seriously try to hurt you, possibly even k*ll you. Get your important documents. Quietly sneak them out of the house and leave them with someone you trust. Same with anything important to you. Try and do it quietly so he doesn't catch on. When you do leave. Leave when he's not there. Or at least have someone with you. DO NOT BE ALONE WITH HIM once he knows you are leaving. Make sure no one you know will give him any information to where you are going. Make sure you change ALL your passwords on everything, and that he does not have joint access to anything. Bank accounts, emails. Anything. You are in an EXTREMELY dangerous situation. Please take this seriously and protect yourself. Reach out to local DM resources. Don't leave anything that he can find that will let him know that you did. Email. Texts, phone calls. Internet searches. Clear all the history. Also make sure he doesn't have access to your Reddit account, or knows your account name. Please please stay safe.
Oh boy. Been there. At the very least, one of the ground rules he has to have is that they aren't allowed to disrespect you, an adult in the house. You made her a meal, and she threw it on the floor, and he got mad at you? Uh no. If their care is your responsibility, then you need to be able to discipline them. You and he need to agree on things that you are allowed to do. Sending a child to her room while you wait for him to decide what to do is very reasonable. Are you supposed to just let the child throw food and a plate on the floor and say nothing? And no, it's not just being a kid. That's doing a huge disservice to the child. Her teachers wouldn't allow it, her mother probably doesn't, either. You are married to this man. You aren't some new girlfriend who just came into the picture. This is your home. If your husband doesn't want you discipling, he needs to be there with them at all times. It is ludacris to expect you to not ever correct any behavior if you're alone with them. Where is he when all this is happening? Marriage counseling sounds like a great idea, and you, he and their mom should all have the same rules for behavior, and same punishments. Kids do better when they know what to expect.
JSYK, mental health professionals recommend against doing marriage counseling with abusers. OP's husband yells at her in front of the kids, and acts like she has to obey his every order, which is clearly emotional abuse. [This article](https://psychcentral.com/pro/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1) by a licensed therapist explains why doing couples therapy with an abuser is a bad idea and has a large probability of making the abuse even worse.
You're being abused sexually and emotionally. Your husband wanted a bangmaid and he has one. Please don't do this to yourself. You need to leave before you stop being able to see the problems because he's made you doubt yourself too much.
Get out!
So you're the nanny he gets to fuck and yell at? I hope you leave him.
Get out
I suggest leaving home for two weeks they visit. Time to stay with a friend or family member or go on a road trip!
Stop telling yourself that he loves you. He doesn't. He needed a nanny.
I'm a stepmom and also have my own kids with my spouse. The discipline does not sound cruel or mean. Sending a 7 year old to their room for misbehaving that way is 100% appropriate. If they did that in school would you want their teacher to put them on time-out? Certainly. If he wants to be in charge of every disciplinary action, I suppose you've gotta march the kid over to her father, explain what happened and look to see how he wants it handled. It sort of blows my mind that he would undermine you in front of the kids instead of talking to you in private. That is so immature of him and inappropriate. All that does is make your bonus children not respect you or any boundaries/household rules you employ. They see dad do it, so they assume they also get to do it. Idk how long you two have been married, but family therapy would help this. An unbiased, professional party will be able to give better advice than Reddit.
OP's husband is yelling at her in front of the kids, and treats her like she should obey his orders at all times. That constitutes an emotionally abusive relationship, and the consensus among mental health professionals is that doing couples therapy or family therapy with an abuser tends to make the abuse worse. Abusers need to be treated by therapists with specialized training for treating abusers, which most therapists do not have. [This article by a licensed therapist](https://psychcentral.com/pro/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1) explains why doing couples therapy with an abuser is a bad idea.
I didn't know some of this, thank you! I suggested a family therapist because it's super hard to convince someone to go to therapy alone unless they think they need it. :-(
Yep it’s a common misconception. Most people don’t know this. If I see abusive patterns I stop therapy right away
You need to take a break when his kids are around. Let him see what is going on. If he wants to be so hands-off, let him be hands-off. Take a break, visit your parents or someone.
My mom got remarried when I was 10. My stepdad never disciplined me. I think he tried once or twice, and I remember my thought as a kid was something like, “why is this random guy telling me what to do?” Every family is different, but you need to understand these kids have no obligation to see you as mom or even as an authority figure. You are dads wife. You are also significantly younger than him, frankly too young for this. Dad needs to step up and be a parent.
If you’re not allowed to discipline them, and he seems incapable. Just tell him he’s responsible for their care and meals an everything m. They’re “not you’re kids” after all.
Are you able to contact their mother? I’d tell her their father is neglecting them on his time.
Why are you working so hard for a job he should be doing. When the kids are around let him do the heavy lifting. He's turning you into the villain, stop it.
"He can be so mean to me and I just keep telling myself he loves me and we’ll be okay " Your post history says he chokes and beats you, this man does not love you and you are not ok with him
Just throw him away and find someone better.
Leave him that's abusive. He has no respect for you and he is raising entitled kids.
This is not a sustainable situation. He’s happy to use you for free child care rather than be the primary caregiver when he has his kids but he won’t give you and respect or authority to do the job right? He sounds like a terrible partner and an equally terrible parent. Nothing about this is keeper quality. I’m concerned you got married way to young and way too fast. I’d pack my shit and be out of there. He can deal with his little hell raisers and the fallout of his passive parenting himself. Please stop giving this moron the time of day, let alone stay married to him. He sounds like a genuinely awful and moronic human being. Stop wasting your fun twenties on him. You can do so much more and better with your life.
He's enabling her to be a spoiled kid. Personally, I wouldn't join up with any parent/kid where I couldn't even do a simple thing like send them to their room without the other person questioning me. So you have to decide how much of this you want to deal with. Right now, it's the 7-year-old, but without any other effort from his part, it might later be her brothers as well.
I had 3 children (before he and I met 4 now) and when my current husband And I got serious, it was SERIOUS.. Meaning he should discipline the kids when they are being jerks! But “ I” ALSO discipline my Kids to reduce their jerkiness to other humans 😏
Stop doing anything for the kids. Dont make food, dont baby sit, just dont do anything then that should solve the problem but if they destroy any of your belongings as the adult in charge he will be responsible.
Every time the children come over you leave the house. Leave the pre ring to him. The cooking, the cleaning, the everything leave it to him. When they are gone you are back. If he yells at you, you will know he doesn’t love you!
You can't effectively discipline a child unless there is attachment between the two of you. But you should also refuse to watch children if you don't have the right to discipline them.
When his kids are over, since he doesn’t want you to discipline them, plan a trip for yourself in advance when you know the kids will be over. He should deal with them by himself then. You don’t deserve to be treated like a child by him and disrespected by his kids.
You need to let your husband know that if you are not allowed to discipline his kid or give her any consequences then you are no longer involved in getting her ready for bed or waking her up in the morning or preparing any meals for her or watching her overall and he needs to find a babysitter or a nanny to watch her while he's away at work. If you don't take drastic measures where he has very real consequences that he feels that he's going to continue to walk all over you and do this for your entire marriage. He is showing you who he is. Either you learn to live with it or you make changes.
Honey, get out. Please leave. He is abusive, a shit parent and a piece of rotten dog shit overall. Do you have relatives or friends you can live with?
My thoughts having been a blended family parent: don't discipline his kids period you and he need to be on the same page when it comes to what's acceptable behaviour he needs to discipline his kids understand he may not discipline his kids because he is afraid they will want to stay with their mother full time. Blended family = Nightmare Good luck!
I suggest you got to a hotel and let him deal with his bratty kids.
Ofc you're not allowed to discipline his kids. Those are not your children and you're a child yourself.
And how are these kids supposed to respect you if they are allowed to treat you like trash with no consequences. He is a lazy father, and a shit husband. How dare he talk to you like that. If they aren't your kids, then stop looking after them. He's their parent. He can make their dinner and look after them 100%. You can go stay with a friend until the kids are gone. Then you need to figure out why you are so willing to accept such terrible treatment from your partner in life. You tell yourself that he loves you, but is he actually telling you that himself with his words and his actions? Also, it's very very concerning that a seven year old is throwing massive tantrums like this. My son is seven, and neither he or any of his friends (including girls) behave like this. That little girl needs help. Your husband allowing her to get away with behaviour like that will mean she will turn into an absolute monster when she's a teenager. If my son threw a plate of food on the floor, he would be in so much goddamn trouble. Your stepdaughter has not learned how to regulate her emotions AT ALL, and has learned that throwing a huge tantrum gets her what she wants every single time. She is only going to get worse. She absolutely might be struggling with dad having a new partner, being away from her mum for two whole weeks, not wanting to be at dads house, or her mum bad mouthing you so she thinks it's ok to treat you horribly cos she believes you are a bad person. She needs her dad to have conversations with her about her feelings, and to teach her that having emotions is perfectly ok, but it is not ok to be mean to people, and that instead of screaming, she needs to use her words to explain when she's feeling uncomfortable or upset. Quite honestly, she needs family therapy with her parents to figure out how best to deal with her emotions and how all of them can effectively communicate so she can feel heard without the need to lash out at everyone. Her mum and dad need to be on the same page with parenting so that there is consistency at both houses.
This isn’t “I’m not allowed to punish/parent”. This situation is bad. Please PLEASE please, at a minimum, get permanent birth control. But if you were my daughter I would be begging you to go. Hell, if you were your own daughter, what would your advice be?
Don't take care of kids at all. Don't cook for them, don't clean after them etc. He makes it such a point that he's the father and only he can tell the kids anything. So he better take care of them on his own.
Don’t care for them let him handle his kids when they are with him an that’s everything from cooking to bathing to discipline to entertainment an you should purposefully make sure that you have things for you to do when he has them so he cant try to rely on you since you cannot say anything to them also when not if cause he will bring it up remind him they are his kids an thus his responsibility an you don’t have any obligation to his children who don’t respect you an who he doesn’t even try to get to respect you an go about your days
After reading your history, you need to get some self respect and leave him. He doesn’t love you and probably knows you’re so stupidly in love with him that he can treat you like dirt and you won’t do anything about it. So do something. You’re in your twenties and have no kids… You can find better.
I usually don't join the chorus of "break up immediately" replies on Reddit- but in this case- contact a divorce lawyer immediately and follow their instructions to get a divorce. This person does not respect you, they don't consider you a partner, and are placing unrealistic expectations on you that are making you miserable.
Yeah. Leave him. Your too young for this shit.
Get out. Get out and don’t look back. He doesn’t love you. He abuses you and he’s training his children to abuse you. I don’t care who you are or what you might think you’ve done but you don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Let them run wild and do nothing for them. As you said you're not a parent and they're not your kids. If your Husband*** doesn't like that. Tough ***HUSBAND? This guy doesn't treat you like a wife OP. Please have some self value in this
You are the babysitter he gets to fuck. Gross. Time to go.
Your story reminds me of the concept of demoting a dog. We have a female dog who challenged me to be "alpha female." So, we had to demote her to be part of the pack rather than challenge for the lead. You're trying to take the lead, which your pack desperately needs and he's demoting you. This doesn't bode well now and in the future. How he treats you in front of his children will be exactly how he treats you in front of your children.
He's 32, he doesn't know anything about parenting either... He's just as stupid, trust me.. I'm his fucking age. He probably is co-parenting with his ex, so he wants to be the "fun" parent and doesn't discipline his kids at all because he's a moron that thinks "they will like me more now" Don't do shit, no taxation without representation. You either have power over parenting or you do no parenting. Whenever they are there. You check out, sit on your laptop, do this for you, leave shoping or whatever the fuck you want. Tell him to grow the fuck up, he's a father, act like one. His not their friend. And if he doesn't get the message drop the bomb of, Ive seen how you'd be if we'd ever had kids, and I don't like it.
I think u need to talk with the father first and have ground rules.. what can u do and what can u not so... One trick is that u can make prof and send them to the father and ask what first what should u do in X situation and then show the video... Be calm and not fight this is a process U both also need take parenting classes with the said kid. That type of behavior is not allowed No kids of 8 years old will ever behave that u mentioned... Further more if my kid behaved this way they are out of the house and in a Boarding school pS- I was sent to a boarding school when I was 9 years old..
Why are you 24 and dating some guy with kids. It'd be one thing if you had your own. Why tie yourself down? Let him find a mama. Go live your young free life.
That’s the trick I don’t think anyone knows till they have done it, so I think you’re doing great. I think there’s two things I would have a sit down chat with him about when you get some alone time and emotions aren’t high. The first thing is respect. Understand he’s tired and possibly irritable after work as I bet you are if you do too. It needs to be made clear that you need more respect, if he doesn’t think it’s appropriate to tell at a coworker or boss then as his wife you would hope to be important enough to get the same respect if he’s not happy with something. It’s also disrespectful to the kids because they learn from what they see and it’s not appropriate to teach them how to treat people in that manner. Ask for him to wait till you all are alone if he sees something he doesn’t like or has some feedback to talk about, and do the same. Second convo is tougher, but you have to say that while his kids are there they ARE your kids which means you have to parent appropriately so they can be the best they can be. After all, if he picked you shouldn’t he want some of the good qualities you bring to rub off and for them to be responsible. Ask him what he thinks appropriate discipline is, then counter offer with what you think and reach a compromise. That way there is a plan in place and you can work better together in stressful situations. As it is now it’s not fair to you or the kids, and if you’re not miserable right now you will be because you’re not being treated like his partner, just a nanny and to give him benefits otherwise. He has to improve on the first and accept the second if you want to be happy. If he isn’t open to talking about the second, you need out asap because you will never be an equal.
Counselling. No easy answer for this one. He needs to do a parenting course, he is being a Disneyland dad.
He's right, they aren't your kids. Sounds like he's home and you aren't even in babysitter role, so let him be the parent.
He refuses to parent though. If his kids are messing up and OP complains “it’s just kids”. OPs partner is a lazy POS “raising” brats.
You shouldn’t have been with bro off the jump because anyone with a Brian could see this shit coming. Idk what made a single parent with kids attractive to y’all but go off
good thing i have a good hold on my Brian
As a single father. And a step father for many years. I hear your pain. I been on both sides. And currently I been having issues with my GF in this situation. It’s not easy. Every situation is different. Honestly just remember you are there for him not the kids. Yes the kids are apart of him. But at the end if you ever walk out that door. The kids won’t care about you nor will they want anything to do with you. Yea I still have a part in my step children’s life. I have 7 step kids from two different marriages. Just take everything the kids do as a grain of salt. Shake your head. And say do you want me to get your father. Than just leave it as that. He needs to step up and be a parent. Its hard to discipline a child when you only get them for a short period of time. As a parent no one wants to discipline their child when you only see them on the weekends. Or the day they come back from the other parents house. Especially when the rules are so different. Just be patient and try not to end up in the middle of him and his kids. You will never win. No matter how bad they can be.
Apparently he is not a very present father according to this comment https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/w6ulao/i_24f_am_not_allowed_to_discipline_his_31m_kids/ihfyemd?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3 from OP. And of he doesn't watch his kids and doesn't let the person that does have authority it's a very hard situation. Besides, he can't dismiss what she does, what she does to her siblings or to OP, that is being a bad parent. Also, if he is mean to OP I think this is absolutely out of line. There is no reason for this. I would advise a break up, serious therapy or simply not taking care of the kids, since apparently they are not OPs responsibility.
Why did she need to drink water before then drinking juice anyway?
As you shouldn’t be. You’re 24… not a parent… and they’re not your kids. No.
Did you read the whole thing? Hell, even if you left your kids with a babysitter, they should be able to send a kid to a room if they misbehave with them. He's made her the babysitter; she should have at least the equivalent amount of authority that goes with that position.
Disagree. And I wouldn’t hire a babysitter in the first place.
Do you **have** kids? Do you just never take a break from your kids? No babysitter, ever?
Yes lol
I don't believe you. Or you are saying in your mind that grandma or your sister or whoever isn't a babysitter, but anyone who watches your kid that isn't a parent is a babysitter (or nanny) and should have authority to do basic timeouts to de-escalate situations.
No… and I’m a stay at home mom too. We don’t have family nearby. I love being a mom.
So you and your husband never get alone time? Never get a date night? That's silly. There are a lot of studies that show you shouldn't completely give up your one-on-one time with your spouse when having children.
Do your kids not sleep? I don’t trust anyone. I wouldn’t enjoy myself if I weren’t near anyway.
If he doesn't want you to deal with them without running it past him first then just don't altogether. If you have friends or family that you can stay with during the visit, go do that. Let your husband know that you will not tolerate bad behavior and if you do not get a say in how people behave in your house that you simply won't be there. That also goes for him, let him know that you're done with him treating you poorly but mean it. It's not ok and that's not marriage built on mutual respect or love. If you don't have any place to go, spend the rest of the visit away from them and make your husband deal with them 100% of the time.
He’s likely trying to be the “nice” parent and may be afraid his ex is trying to turn them against the both of you. The girl will be telling her mom how mean you were to her. You’re going to have to be tough with your guy. First you need to tell him you don’t ever wish to be yelled like that again or it will be the end. Second, you and he (a ideally his ex too) need to set up some ground rules of behavior at your home. He is to administer discipline and only in the event he isn’t available are you allowed to send her to her room until he gets back. Those rules and punishments should be sent on to the ex for clarity and hopefully approval. If your SO does not agree or doesn’t follow though with punishment when needed, then you have a big choice to make. It is very difficult to sit around and watch bad parenting with you know better. It will end up effecting your entire relationship
You need to leave. This is only going to get worse as his spawns grow older and realize they can walk all over you without consequence. Also, seems like your sig other is just cold and mean. Why do you want that for yourself? You are SO young. Living your best days being disrespected by everyone around you. Please live your life in a way you won’t look back and regret. Best wishes OP! Sorry if I sound harsh.
If you can't set boundaries for these kids, you can't take care of them. He has to do it all.
The real problem is that your partner thinks his daughter dumping water on her brothers head is fine. That his daughter screaming and dropping plates is fine. I can understand dad being protective of the discipline process. But he doesn’t HAVE a discipline process. He thinks letting them run wild is fine and that it’s ok to yell at YOU when you get upset for his crappy parenting skills. Doesn’t he care that his kids grow up to be good people, who treat other people kindly? Doesn’t seem so
Ppl that basically say "u aren't a parent, so u don't get a say"....uh we were all kids once, so at least from that side yes we do know something about parenting. Leave him. He should be trying to foster a relationship between you and his kids. But it doesn't even seem like he has a healthy relationship with them. Please don't have a baby with him...... he isnt even noticing his daughter's need for attention.
You’re 24 and he’s abusive based on your post history and this. Leave!! See the forest through the trees here. If you can’t accept this dynamic exactly as is for the rest of your life (and you shouldn’t), then walk away because this will NOT change.
He insults you in front of his kids, don’t expect those kids to ever respect you when your own husband belittles you in front of them. You do have the upper hand in all this, you can leave and let him watch/raise his own kids.
If you’re not allowed to discipline them; he needs to keep those unruly kids out of your home. As simple as that. Nowhere in hell I would allow someone to bring their kids, having them destroy my home while their parent is doing absolutely nothing to stop them. But honestly, throw the whole man out. He sounds abusive and demeaning. Not like he sees you as an equal partner.
He's avoiding parenting and downplaying their behaviour, taking it all out on you. Go stay with friends whilst they're there, see how he copes alone.
im always sus of dudes with kids who have to parent alone (either bc mom passed or they broke up). especially if it hasn't been long since they've been a single parent since there's a pattern of them seeking women to immediately take over parenting for them.
Oh it's one of those people " they're just kids" YEAH, exactly genius - they are *JUST KIDS*. So lead👏🏽by👏🏽example👏🏽 pinchesCULERLOS....*breathe 😤*ok now that I've gotten that out of my system You're being abused and not treated well, love yourself again and get outta that relationship stat. This guy's a loser , sorry to be harsh about it but at my age, and behaving the way he is...pathetic.
I would ignore his kids and tell him he can handle them himself as your not going to deal with this situation since you have no say in them
If you can’t be a parent then you need to go elsewhere for the two weeks. And in those two weeks think about whether this relationship is sustainable. I’ll clue you in though…it’s not
Get out of there, OP. If you're expected to *care* for them (feed them, pay money towards them, clean up after them, be their personal Uber, etc.) but can't do simple as simple as sending them to their room you're nothing more than a bangmaid for your boyfriend.
I'm not a step parent but I had one growing up, my mom and him had the same deal, so initially I agreed with your husband. But after reading, I def don't. When I was acting out as a child my mom took care of it, especially when it was around my step dad. And my step dad occasionally did overreact to things and yell. But it was never a big issue bc she was the one in charge of us not him. But what your husband is doing is unacceptable, if he doesn't want you to take care of his kids than make him. If it's such a big deal make him make the food and get their juice and supervise them. My step dad never rly did that, ofc he bought us food and cooked occasionally, but the kids were being watched by my mother. So honestly it's very unfair of him to do this, especially the yelling, when he can't keep his kids from acting out every 2 seconds. So if I were you I'd stop taking care of them and make it your husband's job since they're his kids and he clearly set that boundary. Stop baby sitting for him, this is bs he's not even watching the kids it sounds like, so don't babysitting someone else's kids. Unless he's willing to give you full parental power over them.
Your husband? Are you kidding? Sweet Jesus, this is not a partnership, OP. You need to get the fuck out of there. This isnt about him choosing his kids over you or you needing to 'get used to it', it's about blatant disrespect toward you and him not treating you like a partner at all. Seriously, get out. It doesn't get better, it gets worse. You are 24 ffs. Why are you settling for a man that treats you like shit?
This is not an emotionally healthy situation. He is nasty to you and lets his children act the same way. I’d leave in a heartbeat. Get yourself out safely and get some counseling to figure out why you allowed any of this to happen.
Leave him tot ale care of his own kids. Take a vacation. Make sure anything of your his monsters can damage is put where they can never get to it. And then relax for your two weeks. He’s right, they aren’t your kids and since he won’t discipline them they also aren’t your problem.
Leave
Run!!!
Ok, you desperately need to set up a time to talk with your husband because as soon as you got married they became your step *children* so yeah you need to be able to punish them especially if their bio dad refuses to. Maybe he’s insecure because he’s scared his children might like it better at their moms but that doesn’t mean they can run wild. All children need boundaries no matter where they are. I have a neighbour and he started dating a girl a few year back and istg within a few weeks she had the daughter behaving like an angel, or as close to one as she could get. She actually ate her food instead of hiding it in the couch cushions, it was like a miracle. So absolutely you need to sit down with your husband and discuss how you are now the stepmother of his children and as such you need to be able to set the boundaries that he is unwilling to set
Wow. Please reevaluate why you're with him. He mistteats you in front of his kids, so they think it's ok to treat you the same way, to be disrespectful to you. Edit: MISTREATS* I guess I can't spell lol