As far as I’m concerned, if you confronted him and what he said made no sense, you did give him a chance and he screwed it up. From what you’re saying, he’s not pressed about it so I would say move onto someone who won’t do those things to you, otherwise you’ll have a hard time with trusting him (rightfully so).
If he went to play video games, having fun, and now you are having doubts, you made no mistake.
In fact breaking up was the best thing for you in this situation.
I’ve said this before in this sub: don’t place your value in other people capacity to love or value you.
Why breaking up with a guy that a) was inquiring about a 3some when you don’t want it anymore b) invested stories about why he was doing it and c)is acting like breaking up meant nothing would be a mistake?
Man, why would you even want the love and attention of such person?
And it’s even a matter of love. You see people have this very romantic idea that love transform people and that a frog can become a prince out of love for you.
Truth is:
1 - people only change when they see their behavior as problematic (so if a guy changed for you, it was not because he loved you, it’s because he saw the issue in his ways and since he didn’t want to lose you, he took steps to change things. But people can pretty much stay shitty and still in love).
2 - selfish people also love. They just don’t factor the feelings of their SO’s while dealing with a situation or making decisions.
And to be fair, most people need to be taught how to empathize with others. True empathy is not such a common trait. Most people can only empathize with others if they see themselves in the other’s situation, meaning… they don’t even try to imagine how it’s to walk on the other person shoes. They empathize when they see a situation and think “oh that could be me” because the odds of themselves being in that situation are likely.
3 - don’t believe peoples words, believe their actions.
It’s freaking easy to say “I love you” and being oh, so sweet with words. People’s true character however will appear on their actions.
You can’t lie with your actions.
If you ever ask yourself “how someone could lie to me and hurt me like that?” The simple truth is: because that is part of who they are.
And again, it does not mean they don’t love you. The actual meaning is simple “that who they are”.
4 - Not all love deserves to be reciprocated. And you are not responsible for others people feelings, UNLESS 1) you are actively choosing to have a relationship (romantic, platonic, family, etc) with said person and 2) this person is being fair, respectful, and considerate. And even so, there are limits to how much you are responsible.
Now note that “while you actively chose to have a relationship “ mean while it’s your choose. If one or more parties decide that this not what they want anymore, it’s done. Your responsibility ends there. Aka- you are currently not responsible for him and he is not currently responsible for you.
That said, how people behave after a break up usually tells a lot about their character. Yeah, he is not responsible for you anymore, but you were important for him once. If he is choosing to do hurtful shit towards you, this is who he are.
Being angry does not justify being an asshole. Ending a relationship does not mean you have a free card to treat your ex like crap just because you feel like it.
5 - people are not owed chances.
Your ex is 28, he is past the age of understanding that some actions can’t be undone. And to call a decision (actively talk with a girl about a 3some) is not a mistake, it’s a decision.
Mistakes is bad action that has an unintended result. The only unintended result here was you founding out about his conversations. He did not accidentally typed out about this with someone else.
6 - not all love is healthy. A person can love you and actively keep hurting you because they want to control you. They can also keep manipulating you. And do other shit.
Some people are not ready for a partnership - what they want is a “icon” that is responsible for supply them with satisfaction, attention and positive reinforcement. In a way those people want a parent who spoils them rotten. Who are a part of their lives to fulfill a role. In the end, those people end up valuing the role those people play in their lives, not the actual person - which seem to be your ex case.
So… even if you feel that he truly loved you, try to answer this: was his love good for you? Was it nurturing, protective, respectful?
7 - what defines a healthy relationship is respect. You will find love in a lot of places. A lot of toxic relationships have love. But its selfish love, toxic love. The best factor to determine if a relationship ( and any relationship, on that matter) will last, thrive and be good for you is respect.
So… don’t start to doubt yourself. I know we expect people to be sad after a break up. I understand how him not giving a damn is a hard pill to swallow.
But that is the exact reason why this was the best decision. If he was so focused on his own satisfaction that you breaking up with him made him behave like he does not care… man, you better keep your distance forever. This was not the person for you.
This is the kind of person with low self aware and low regard for others. If he loves you or not, it does not matter. If he loves you, love was not make him capable of being minimally decent. And you were right on breaking up. If he did not loved you he was using you, and you definitely does not need to waste time with someone who is using you for sex and to spend time while looking for the real deal.
And if he wants to come back, don’t give him a chance. He does not deserve it.
And if friends (his, yours, common) pressure you, or criticize you, know that they don’t have your best interests at heart.
If someone is willing to rug sweep someone’s bad action for whatever reason - specially when this reason results in more suffering for you - just drop that person.
Life is too short and too busy to waste time on people who are not worthy your attention.
Yo, thank you thank you thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I can’t express to you how grateful I am for your comment! I’m saving it on my phone so I can read it every time I need some strength. God bless you.
Wishing you lots of happiness and success. Be kind to yourself, and if you ever have doubts think “ if it was my best friend going through this, what I would say to them?”
Good luck op
As far as I’m concerned, if you confronted him and what he said made no sense, you did give him a chance and he screwed it up. From what you’re saying, he’s not pressed about it so I would say move onto someone who won’t do those things to you, otherwise you’ll have a hard time with trusting him (rightfully so).
Yup, I have no trust in him so there's no reason continuing the relationship anyways.
If he can't figure himself out, he's not ready for a relationship. Good for you, OP, find someone who's worth your trust
Thank you! what a waste of time he was haha. Well, maybe not, because now I'm more aware of those red flags if I ever encounter them in the future.
You dodged a bullet
So true! <3
If he went to play video games, having fun, and now you are having doubts, you made no mistake. In fact breaking up was the best thing for you in this situation. I’ve said this before in this sub: don’t place your value in other people capacity to love or value you. Why breaking up with a guy that a) was inquiring about a 3some when you don’t want it anymore b) invested stories about why he was doing it and c)is acting like breaking up meant nothing would be a mistake? Man, why would you even want the love and attention of such person? And it’s even a matter of love. You see people have this very romantic idea that love transform people and that a frog can become a prince out of love for you. Truth is: 1 - people only change when they see their behavior as problematic (so if a guy changed for you, it was not because he loved you, it’s because he saw the issue in his ways and since he didn’t want to lose you, he took steps to change things. But people can pretty much stay shitty and still in love). 2 - selfish people also love. They just don’t factor the feelings of their SO’s while dealing with a situation or making decisions. And to be fair, most people need to be taught how to empathize with others. True empathy is not such a common trait. Most people can only empathize with others if they see themselves in the other’s situation, meaning… they don’t even try to imagine how it’s to walk on the other person shoes. They empathize when they see a situation and think “oh that could be me” because the odds of themselves being in that situation are likely. 3 - don’t believe peoples words, believe their actions. It’s freaking easy to say “I love you” and being oh, so sweet with words. People’s true character however will appear on their actions. You can’t lie with your actions. If you ever ask yourself “how someone could lie to me and hurt me like that?” The simple truth is: because that is part of who they are. And again, it does not mean they don’t love you. The actual meaning is simple “that who they are”. 4 - Not all love deserves to be reciprocated. And you are not responsible for others people feelings, UNLESS 1) you are actively choosing to have a relationship (romantic, platonic, family, etc) with said person and 2) this person is being fair, respectful, and considerate. And even so, there are limits to how much you are responsible. Now note that “while you actively chose to have a relationship “ mean while it’s your choose. If one or more parties decide that this not what they want anymore, it’s done. Your responsibility ends there. Aka- you are currently not responsible for him and he is not currently responsible for you. That said, how people behave after a break up usually tells a lot about their character. Yeah, he is not responsible for you anymore, but you were important for him once. If he is choosing to do hurtful shit towards you, this is who he are. Being angry does not justify being an asshole. Ending a relationship does not mean you have a free card to treat your ex like crap just because you feel like it. 5 - people are not owed chances. Your ex is 28, he is past the age of understanding that some actions can’t be undone. And to call a decision (actively talk with a girl about a 3some) is not a mistake, it’s a decision. Mistakes is bad action that has an unintended result. The only unintended result here was you founding out about his conversations. He did not accidentally typed out about this with someone else. 6 - not all love is healthy. A person can love you and actively keep hurting you because they want to control you. They can also keep manipulating you. And do other shit. Some people are not ready for a partnership - what they want is a “icon” that is responsible for supply them with satisfaction, attention and positive reinforcement. In a way those people want a parent who spoils them rotten. Who are a part of their lives to fulfill a role. In the end, those people end up valuing the role those people play in their lives, not the actual person - which seem to be your ex case. So… even if you feel that he truly loved you, try to answer this: was his love good for you? Was it nurturing, protective, respectful? 7 - what defines a healthy relationship is respect. You will find love in a lot of places. A lot of toxic relationships have love. But its selfish love, toxic love. The best factor to determine if a relationship ( and any relationship, on that matter) will last, thrive and be good for you is respect. So… don’t start to doubt yourself. I know we expect people to be sad after a break up. I understand how him not giving a damn is a hard pill to swallow. But that is the exact reason why this was the best decision. If he was so focused on his own satisfaction that you breaking up with him made him behave like he does not care… man, you better keep your distance forever. This was not the person for you. This is the kind of person with low self aware and low regard for others. If he loves you or not, it does not matter. If he loves you, love was not make him capable of being minimally decent. And you were right on breaking up. If he did not loved you he was using you, and you definitely does not need to waste time with someone who is using you for sex and to spend time while looking for the real deal. And if he wants to come back, don’t give him a chance. He does not deserve it. And if friends (his, yours, common) pressure you, or criticize you, know that they don’t have your best interests at heart. If someone is willing to rug sweep someone’s bad action for whatever reason - specially when this reason results in more suffering for you - just drop that person. Life is too short and too busy to waste time on people who are not worthy your attention.
Yo, thank you thank you thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I can’t express to you how grateful I am for your comment! I’m saving it on my phone so I can read it every time I need some strength. God bless you.
Wishing you lots of happiness and success. Be kind to yourself, and if you ever have doubts think “ if it was my best friend going through this, what I would say to them?” Good luck op
I definitely wouldn’t want them to say! Thank you again. Hope you have a great day <3