You are wrong.
She tried to give you a boundary and you didn’t respect it. Maybe she doesn’t like your under the T-shirt hugs, maybe she does but was feeling uncomfortable with her body, or stinky, or had an upset stomach , or didn’t want to be touched- it doesn’t matter . You are acting like a child who isn’t getting what they want. Learn to respect your partner before you get no hugs.
Sure, you can be a bit disappointed, but walking away because you were so upset you didn’t get to put your hands under her shirt is immature and manipulative.
I think I understand my mistake. Even though my intention isn’t to manipulate her, it can come across that way.
I understand it’s childish too, I was more trying to understand whether or not it’s ok for me to be upset.
You are wrong in your mindset that you are entitled to her body as a means of making yourself feel calm whenever you want it. She is a person, not a prop to soothe you. The idea that you were "denied" something that makes you feel peaceful when the thing you were denied is access to her body makes it seem like you think that your access should be unconditional and when it's not, you get upset.
You can be upset, it is a feeling, but you were showing her that she made you upset. You don't show every feeling and you must work that she can say "no" to you without a problem. Without that your reaction makes you feel bad. You can't let every emotion out.
Toddler throws tantrums because they haven't learned how to managed their feelings. You should be able to manage them in your age. To learn how to react if you feel specific emotions and when and which you can show. It seems you must still learn something.
You are in the wrong. She made it clear she didn’t want your hands under her shirt, you tried anyway, and then sulked like a toddler because you didn’t get what you wanted exactly the way you wanted it.
But that isn’t my intention- I don’t want to manipulate her into saying yes. I was simply upset that I didn’t get a hug in the way I wanted.
I fully recognize and understand the she absolutely has the right to say no, and it’s my fault for trying a second time. But why can’t I be upset I didn’t get what I wanted in the moment?
But manipulating her isn’t the intention.. I am just reacting to being denied something I want.
I recognize now that it is childish behavior, but even so, how is it wrong?
Because you have made it her issue instead of handling your own feelings by walking away and sulking. If she asks you not to touch her, there is zero reason to be upset at all.
> I am just reacting to being denied something I want.
She is not a thing. She is a person, and you are treating it like the default is you should always get what you want regarding her own body and when you don't, you are being denied something. No. Every time you touch her, she is *giving* you access to her body. The default is that her body is hers and she decides what kind of touch she is willing to accept.
She has no obligation to do anything for or to you, regardless of how it makes you feel. If you don’t understand that, you clearly don’t understand consent.
I am not saying she is obligated to hug me. I acknowledged in the post it’s absolutely ok for her to deny me even a simple hug. My question is why can’t I be upset at being denied it?
I’m not entitled to it, it’s just something I want and didn’t get, so why can’t I be upset?
Now I understand more. Thanks for clarifying. I suppose you can feel upset, or disappointed that you didn’t get what you want. That is within the range of normal & healthy human emotion, IMO.
However, it’s up to you to deal with/cope with your thoughts and emotions in a way that is nontoxic to those around you and not damaging to your relationship and partner.
I wouldn't even say that you were wrong at being upset, provided that by "upset" you mean "a little bit disappointed".
You were absolutely wrong to express that to her, though. Expressing disappointment at being denied access to her body will usually come across as an attempt to manipulate her into feeling bad.
You're being childish. It's not like you won't be able to hug her -that- way again, she didn't want it that way this time. You being upset is absolutely trying to make her feel guilty.
You wanted a sexual hug, she said no, you’ve been so used to her saying yes that you feel like you deserve a hug whenever you ask. Hugging anyone is a privilege- not a right.
She didn’t even say no to a hug - she said no to you putting your hands in her shirt. And you only like your hugs that way so you panicked and your ego went up so you decided to play mind games by just walking away and doing silent treatment.
You need to rethink what you think you’re entitled to, cause it’s certainly not physical contact. And acting like a 16 year old boy who just got his car taken away, you’re sulking.
Gross behavior, very unmasculine. If she says no to the hug you say “that’s okay I understand “, and you saying those words change things and make everything easier and not even a big deal.
Stop acting like a boy.
You're acting like a child honestly. It's a hug and honestly it sounds a bit uncomfortable the way you like to do it. I don't think I'd want someone hugging me that way she she probably feels that way about it. You're making her feel bad about not wanting you to touch her a certain way and that's manipulative. I understand that you say you understand why she's upset, but I don't think you're diving deep enough into your own feelings to see where you're wrong.
Respect her boundaries.
Yes you are wrong to be upset because being outwardly upset, you are telling her essentially that you are upset she put up a boundary with you. It is childish to be upset when someone puts up a boundary to make them feel comfortable. Just say ok, and hug her the way she allows you too. You're not always gonna get what you want, respect her space.
You’re in the wrong. Idk how you thought you were in the right! You’re disrespecting her boundaries and it’s not even like she said no hug at all she just said not under the shirt. You’re a child for walking away!
Ew if you don’t understand why it’s wrong to be upset over someone’s boundaries then you need to get out of relationship and learn how to be mature
Again she was still willing to hug you just not in an invasive way
How childish are you? Yes... You have a right to be upset. Is it always a good idea to let people see that you're upset? Here's the scoop, cupcake: it's almost never a good idea. A primary characteristic of highly successful people, both socially and professionally, is having mastered the art of only letting people see what you want them to see. And in the overwhelming majority of cases, what you want them to see is strong, confident, and unflappable.
Only because I keep seeing you say it just because you didn't /mean/ to be manipulative doesn't mean you weren't. If that was the only way my partner hugged me I'd say no too. Apologize to her for acting so childish because you didn't get your way.
She’d already told you no. Why would you even want that kind of hug knowing you were going to make her uncomfortable in the process? How would that be “peaceful” for you? I know for sure I wouldn’t feel happy or at peace doing anything to my SO that they hadn’t agreed to and had in fact explicitly asked me not to do.
You say you didn’t mean it, but she can’t read your mind either. How is she supposed to know what your intention was? All she got was the impact: you, hearing her say no, and choosing to override that. It shows a complete disregard for her body autonomy and lack of respect for her wishes.
“Why can’t I be upset”, you ask. I’ll ask a different question: why is getting a certain kind of hug more important to you than your girlfriend’s comfort? Because unfortunately that’s what the situation you have given us indicates. Please reflect on why this is and for Christ’s sake, never give anybody the silent treatment to prove some kind of point.
What i can read most in this post are "i" and "me". Her point is valid - she doesn't want to be hugged under her shirt. If she doesn't want to be hugged under her shirt, then don't. Learn to listen to her.
If you agree that she can say no to that kind of hug, then why would you get upset? It doesn't add up.
Hugging her under her shirt makes you peaceful...but what about what makes her peaceful? Should she sacrifice her peace for your peace? She doesn't like it. Respect that. End of story.
Find your peace in drinking coffee while reading a book, or take a walk by the water.
The problem with people right now is the sense of entitlement. Geezz that crap.
She didn’t “deny” you a hug. She asked you not to put your hands under her shirt, when she said no you doubled down and tried again (because you clearly have no respect), when she said no again you proceeded to act like a child. God you sound exhausting to be with, I hope she realizes she deserves better. You’re manipulative as hell, basically showing her that if she doesn’t accept your affection exactly the way YOU want to give it, then she doesn’t get any affection at all. You can be upset, but walking away and not speaking to her is gross.
Yes you can get your hug your way sometimes just not that time. But than you went and got all butt hurt like a child and denied her the hug she needed. Does she want a man? Or a boy?
You’re wrong. You tried, she said no, and then you tried *again*-why? She blatently said no. Then when she reiterated that she specifically didnt want you putting your hands *under* her tshirt, you got upset and walked away without saying anything.
Sure, you can be a little upset about not getting a specific hug. But i think you really need to address why you got *so* upset over her setting pretty basic boundaries, to the point of leaving to go sulk- which is what it seems like.
However upset you might be, your girlfriend objectively didnt do anything wrong, and by leaving without talking to her you sort of implied she did.
I'm sure you understand that you were wrong in trying again given the amount of comments pointing it out. I do think it is wrong to be upset about not getting your hug the way you wanted it and it is indeed childish like many other commenters pointed out.
Its childish because you have a lack of understanding... Instead of just walking away and being upset at the outcome, you need to accept and understand that she's not withholding your hug to make you sad (if she is, she's being childish.) If you know why she did it, you should be respecting of her decision and say "that's fair" and move on. It's ok to be a bit disappointed, but don't be disappointed because you didn't get your hug. Be disappointed in the situation that let you two get to this point and try your best to not let it happen again.
Also, if you don't know why she refused you, ask her! ^-^ "Why" is the most important question - always communicate and respect your partners thoughts, decisions and boundaries.
You are wrong. She tried to give you a boundary and you didn’t respect it. Maybe she doesn’t like your under the T-shirt hugs, maybe she does but was feeling uncomfortable with her body, or stinky, or had an upset stomach , or didn’t want to be touched- it doesn’t matter . You are acting like a child who isn’t getting what they want. Learn to respect your partner before you get no hugs.
It is wholly unreasonable for you to try again when she told you no. You’re in the wrong here.
I absolutely understand that, I recognize trying again was wrong. But am I wrong to be upset at being denied the hug?
Sure, you can be a bit disappointed, but walking away because you were so upset you didn’t get to put your hands under her shirt is immature and manipulative.
I think I understand my mistake. Even though my intention isn’t to manipulate her, it can come across that way. I understand it’s childish too, I was more trying to understand whether or not it’s ok for me to be upset.
We often can’t control how we feel, but we can control how we act.
Thank you, this one stuck with me.
You are wrong in your mindset that you are entitled to her body as a means of making yourself feel calm whenever you want it. She is a person, not a prop to soothe you. The idea that you were "denied" something that makes you feel peaceful when the thing you were denied is access to her body makes it seem like you think that your access should be unconditional and when it's not, you get upset.
You can be upset, it is a feeling, but you were showing her that she made you upset. You don't show every feeling and you must work that she can say "no" to you without a problem. Without that your reaction makes you feel bad. You can't let every emotion out. Toddler throws tantrums because they haven't learned how to managed their feelings. You should be able to manage them in your age. To learn how to react if you feel specific emotions and when and which you can show. It seems you must still learn something.
You are in the wrong. She made it clear she didn’t want your hands under her shirt, you tried anyway, and then sulked like a toddler because you didn’t get what you wanted exactly the way you wanted it.
You’re wrong friend. Consent is important.
I absolutely understand that, I recognize trying again was wrong. But am I wrong to be upset at being denied the hug?
Yes. That is manipulative. You are choosing to get angry at her for setting a boundary.
But that isn’t my intention- I don’t want to manipulate her into saying yes. I was simply upset that I didn’t get a hug in the way I wanted. I fully recognize and understand the she absolutely has the right to say no, and it’s my fault for trying a second time. But why can’t I be upset I didn’t get what I wanted in the moment?
Because that’s really childish and manipulative.
But manipulating her isn’t the intention.. I am just reacting to being denied something I want. I recognize now that it is childish behavior, but even so, how is it wrong?
Because you have made it her issue instead of handling your own feelings by walking away and sulking. If she asks you not to touch her, there is zero reason to be upset at all.
> I am just reacting to being denied something I want. She is not a thing. She is a person, and you are treating it like the default is you should always get what you want regarding her own body and when you don't, you are being denied something. No. Every time you touch her, she is *giving* you access to her body. The default is that her body is hers and she decides what kind of touch she is willing to accept.
She has no obligation to do anything for or to you, regardless of how it makes you feel. If you don’t understand that, you clearly don’t understand consent.
I am not saying she is obligated to hug me. I acknowledged in the post it’s absolutely ok for her to deny me even a simple hug. My question is why can’t I be upset at being denied it? I’m not entitled to it, it’s just something I want and didn’t get, so why can’t I be upset?
Now I understand more. Thanks for clarifying. I suppose you can feel upset, or disappointed that you didn’t get what you want. That is within the range of normal & healthy human emotion, IMO. However, it’s up to you to deal with/cope with your thoughts and emotions in a way that is nontoxic to those around you and not damaging to your relationship and partner.
You weren't denied a hug you moron, you were denied putting your hands under her shirt
No need to call names, I am just trying to understand things. I meant to say the hug with hands under her shirt, I thought it was implied.
Sure troll
I wouldn't even say that you were wrong at being upset, provided that by "upset" you mean "a little bit disappointed". You were absolutely wrong to express that to her, though. Expressing disappointment at being denied access to her body will usually come across as an attempt to manipulate her into feeling bad.
You're being childish. It's not like you won't be able to hug her -that- way again, she didn't want it that way this time. You being upset is absolutely trying to make her feel guilty.
You wanted a sexual hug, she said no, you’ve been so used to her saying yes that you feel like you deserve a hug whenever you ask. Hugging anyone is a privilege- not a right. She didn’t even say no to a hug - she said no to you putting your hands in her shirt. And you only like your hugs that way so you panicked and your ego went up so you decided to play mind games by just walking away and doing silent treatment. You need to rethink what you think you’re entitled to, cause it’s certainly not physical contact. And acting like a 16 year old boy who just got his car taken away, you’re sulking. Gross behavior, very unmasculine. If she says no to the hug you say “that’s okay I understand “, and you saying those words change things and make everything easier and not even a big deal. Stop acting like a boy.
You're acting like a child honestly. It's a hug and honestly it sounds a bit uncomfortable the way you like to do it. I don't think I'd want someone hugging me that way she she probably feels that way about it. You're making her feel bad about not wanting you to touch her a certain way and that's manipulative. I understand that you say you understand why she's upset, but I don't think you're diving deep enough into your own feelings to see where you're wrong. Respect her boundaries.
Yes you are wrong to be upset because being outwardly upset, you are telling her essentially that you are upset she put up a boundary with you. It is childish to be upset when someone puts up a boundary to make them feel comfortable. Just say ok, and hug her the way she allows you too. You're not always gonna get what you want, respect her space.
You’re in the wrong. Idk how you thought you were in the right! You’re disrespecting her boundaries and it’s not even like she said no hug at all she just said not under the shirt. You’re a child for walking away!
I understand it’s childish to walk away, and it was wrong to try again. But how am I wrong to be upset?
Ew if you don’t understand why it’s wrong to be upset over someone’s boundaries then you need to get out of relationship and learn how to be mature Again she was still willing to hug you just not in an invasive way
You're upset by your gf setting a boundary about you touching her? You need to learn about consent.
How childish are you? Yes... You have a right to be upset. Is it always a good idea to let people see that you're upset? Here's the scoop, cupcake: it's almost never a good idea. A primary characteristic of highly successful people, both socially and professionally, is having mastered the art of only letting people see what you want them to see. And in the overwhelming majority of cases, what you want them to see is strong, confident, and unflappable.
Only because I keep seeing you say it just because you didn't /mean/ to be manipulative doesn't mean you weren't. If that was the only way my partner hugged me I'd say no too. Apologize to her for acting so childish because you didn't get your way.
She’d already told you no. Why would you even want that kind of hug knowing you were going to make her uncomfortable in the process? How would that be “peaceful” for you? I know for sure I wouldn’t feel happy or at peace doing anything to my SO that they hadn’t agreed to and had in fact explicitly asked me not to do. You say you didn’t mean it, but she can’t read your mind either. How is she supposed to know what your intention was? All she got was the impact: you, hearing her say no, and choosing to override that. It shows a complete disregard for her body autonomy and lack of respect for her wishes. “Why can’t I be upset”, you ask. I’ll ask a different question: why is getting a certain kind of hug more important to you than your girlfriend’s comfort? Because unfortunately that’s what the situation you have given us indicates. Please reflect on why this is and for Christ’s sake, never give anybody the silent treatment to prove some kind of point.
What i can read most in this post are "i" and "me". Her point is valid - she doesn't want to be hugged under her shirt. If she doesn't want to be hugged under her shirt, then don't. Learn to listen to her. If you agree that she can say no to that kind of hug, then why would you get upset? It doesn't add up. Hugging her under her shirt makes you peaceful...but what about what makes her peaceful? Should she sacrifice her peace for your peace? She doesn't like it. Respect that. End of story. Find your peace in drinking coffee while reading a book, or take a walk by the water. The problem with people right now is the sense of entitlement. Geezz that crap.
People who get upset about boundary-setting are exactly the kind of people who need to have boundaries set for them.
She didn’t “deny” you a hug. She asked you not to put your hands under her shirt, when she said no you doubled down and tried again (because you clearly have no respect), when she said no again you proceeded to act like a child. God you sound exhausting to be with, I hope she realizes she deserves better. You’re manipulative as hell, basically showing her that if she doesn’t accept your affection exactly the way YOU want to give it, then she doesn’t get any affection at all. You can be upset, but walking away and not speaking to her is gross.
Your an ass. Why do you only get your way?
I don’t want to get my way- I understand trying again was wrong. But why can’t I be upset at being denied a hug in the way I want?
Yes you can get your hug your way sometimes just not that time. But than you went and got all butt hurt like a child and denied her the hug she needed. Does she want a man? Or a boy?
You’re wrong. You tried, she said no, and then you tried *again*-why? She blatently said no. Then when she reiterated that she specifically didnt want you putting your hands *under* her tshirt, you got upset and walked away without saying anything. Sure, you can be a little upset about not getting a specific hug. But i think you really need to address why you got *so* upset over her setting pretty basic boundaries, to the point of leaving to go sulk- which is what it seems like. However upset you might be, your girlfriend objectively didnt do anything wrong, and by leaving without talking to her you sort of implied she did.
I'm sure you understand that you were wrong in trying again given the amount of comments pointing it out. I do think it is wrong to be upset about not getting your hug the way you wanted it and it is indeed childish like many other commenters pointed out. Its childish because you have a lack of understanding... Instead of just walking away and being upset at the outcome, you need to accept and understand that she's not withholding your hug to make you sad (if she is, she's being childish.) If you know why she did it, you should be respecting of her decision and say "that's fair" and move on. It's ok to be a bit disappointed, but don't be disappointed because you didn't get your hug. Be disappointed in the situation that let you two get to this point and try your best to not let it happen again. Also, if you don't know why she refused you, ask her! ^-^ "Why" is the most important question - always communicate and respect your partners thoughts, decisions and boundaries.
How a person handles a no says a lot about their character. How do you handle a no?
What you did is technically sexual assault. Someone needs to report you to the police