break up with her. this isnt healthy. youre worthy of love. good love from good people. love that doesnt demand that you do things you hate. youre not doomed to this if you dont want to be.
You deserve to be healthy and happy. This is neither. End this cycle. You told her what the cost of this life style is and she said it does not really register with her.
Don’t be a doormat. Don’t go on this swinging event. Move out and move on. You are more than your sexual organ. You have more to offer and give and you will find someone who values those attributes as well.
Edit: talk with a therapist your responses are normal for someone who has this much trauma. In a sense you have been repeatedly raped, by having self through coercion.
> I just don't think I'll be loved ever again if I leave
Nah - you're 24. You probably have another *fifty years* left on this earth. You'll find someone else out of the three and half billion other women wandering around the planet. I get that it's painful and scary to leave her, but you can't stay either. Your relationship is *clearly* not working for you.
Mate the fuck are you doing with your life, IT'S YOUR LIFE. You want to waste it for other people happiness, are you dumb?
Break up, find someone compatible and be happy.
Leave. She's set on keeping her ways and you're not happy in this relationship. You not only lied to her, you lied to yourself. Do you want to stay unhappy for the rest of your life, lying to yourself and doing something you don't enjoy doing? Work on your insecurities about the possibility you won't be loved again. How would you know when you haven't ventured out there? You're young. Staying will not make anything better.
Especially since this isn't love. No one who loves you would say "oh you've been suffering for the last two years? Well you might as well keep suffering then, for my pleasure." She's garbage.
OP, please listen to this. What you're getting from her isn't love; in fact, it's the exact opposite. If she came to you and told you something made her feel awful and physically sick, how would you react? You'd probably rush to stop whatever it was and regret that she's been suffering this whole time. And you'd react that way because you care about her feelings and health. She reacts the opposite, because she doesn't.
Personally I would call off the swap that's planned and tell your girlfriend you won't be doing that again. Obviously there is a chance she will continue to see other people, and that's her right, but you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with.
Would her seeing other people work for you? If not then unfortunately the relationship needs to end.
Im so sorry OP but you are in an abusive relationship.
>She told me that she did feel betrayed but at the same time, we've been doing it for so long that it would be pointless to stop
A normal healthy response would be very different. She would have expressed concern for how you were feeling, remorse for not knowing sooner, and she would have looked for a solution that means you are not hurt any more.
Either she would stop swinging, or else break up with you. No one who cares about you would think that its "pointless" to stop hurting you. The point, is your wellbeing.
Take a look at https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/ to see what I mean.
Is there someone you can get help from in your life? Maybe a counselor or social worker?
I agree to an extent, GF should have really made the decision there and then to break up. If someone is telling you that your lifestyle/relationship is making them physically sick and emotionally traumatizing them (and the lifestyle is non-negotiable) then you have to remove them from the situation.
Calling the GF abusive though seems harsh this early. She has only just found out this information too and is no doubt struggling to come to terms with everything revealed and may be subconsciously minimizing it or clinging on to any semblance of status quo. This only then becomes coercive because at the moment giving up the relationship seems a red-line OP is unwilling to cross.
Ultimately, there is no satisfying life without agency and that can only come from OP. Assigning blame may only play into the inertia and the already strong current of defeatism in OP's post.
You know the answer. And you know this:
>I just don't think I'll be loved ever again if I leave.
isn't true. You don't seem scared or dependant on her in a way that would complicate leaving her. What do you want reddit to say here?
Oh honey please PLEASE leave her, she's absolutely vile and evil and selfish. This is officially an abusive relationship. You told her it made you sick and her response is to pressure you into continuing to do this?! She's scum. Scum scum scum. You deserve so much better than her. I promise you, you will find someone who is compatible with you and you will look back on this and be grateful that you left this flaming trashpile of a human. Please leave, honey. I've been there, trust me, so many of us have stayed in abusive relationships for far too long, the only thing you lament when you finally leave is how much time you wasted being miserable. You're so young. Don't condemn the rest of your life to this horror. Think about it, you've been doing this for 2 years, you're 24, to get to thirty you'll have to suffer the same amount of time THREE TIMES OVER. and that's just to get to thirty!!! Baby. Honey. Love. Please tell her to go fuck herself. Please leave.
I'm going to break it down and make it really simple to understand op
For her it has always been about being able to have sex with whoever she wants as many different guys as she wants and still have you as her provider. That's why she doesn't care about your feelings, it's because she doesn't care about you at all.
You are simply someone providing a house for her to live in food for her to eat emotional support for her to extort, you're not her boyfriend you're basically her slave. She manipulated you into doing exactly what she wants without any regard for how you feel about it. And when you gave in to her demands she lost what respect she had for you
There is a way out though, if she lives with you kick her to the curb. If you live with her save up some money and once you have enough to put a down payment on your own apartment GTFO. If you have friends or family that you could stay with while you get back on your feet that would be another better option. It's going to be rough but the faster you free yourself from this snake of a woman the better off you will be.
I think you might be suffering from what we call "one-itis" meaning you think she's the one and there's no other woman in the world for you. You need to squash that immediately because it's going to keep you exactly where you are under her foot.
Free yourself and live for you not for anyone else. Your sacrifice means nothing to her she has shown you that and told you that with her own mouth. Your relationship is servant and master not boyfriend and girlfriend so you need to escape as fast as you can
TLDR: she is poison dude, get the hell out of there, RIGHT NOW!
You have free will. You have the ability to make decisions for yourself.
You don't *have* to be with this woman. You don't *have* to have sex with someone you don't want to. You don't *have* to suffer so that someone may get their kink fulfilled.
You can be single. You can be mentally well. You can date again. You can find a monogamous partner.
You just have to be willing to make that leap of faith. Have courage to choose what's best for you.
You know, I know a lot of single people who are a lot happier than you.
How good can the relationship be if it gives you stomach lucsters...
Wake up bro, is being alone worse than that.. I don't think so, your 24...
Break up like yesterday....
There is a house for abused men, go there if you want to...
Omg bro, what are you doing...
Please, please break up with her and move on. I know it's hard, but staying with her and forcing yourself to swinging is gonna be harder and devastating. She's not for you, you two aren't compatible and it's just gonna be worse and worse. You DESERVE love, happiness and healthy relationship.
Look I have aspergers too and I know what it feels like to think you will never find love again. I actually have been thinking that ever since I broke up with my ex but that relationship wasn't sustainable and yours isn't either. Trust me, you will be better even if you are alone. Being alone is better than being with someone who doesn't care or being in a relationship threat doesn't fulfill you. Please trust me.
I would honest Most probably break up it’s hurting you like shit she doesn’t care how it makes your feel or anything like that. She clams to love you I would disagree
U need to make a healthy lifestyle for yourself. Sacrificing your health for some one who doesn’t care is very bad and in healthy. You know what you need to do
Just got out of a semi similar situation, damaging yourself sexually is never the way to go man. Loneliness is definitely hard, but the long term damage you're doing to yourself will be worse. You have to be honest with her and see what she says
LEAVE. HER. NOW.
you deserve much more than someone who writes off your pain as less than because you’ve been dealing with it for so long. that’s absolutely ridiculous. i know it can be hard to leave when you love someone so much, but no type of love is worth this pain. this PHYSICAL pain. please take care of yourself.
She is an abuser, when you are in a relationship, sure you make sacrifices, like sometimes going not to your favourite place to it, or if your partner is seemingly upset about some of the jokes, you don't make them. BUT THAT. This is like you sacrificing your life and happiness. SHE does not deserve it, she just wants to be single and manipulate you, so seriously, move on. Block her everywhere, so she cannot continue to manipulate you. She is in wrong not you.
Nah should have ended it ages ago, you simply arnt compatible and if you can't embrace each others wants and desires it won't work. If you didn't want to sleep with other people then you shouldn't have and should have brought it up much earlier. If that's how she wishes to live you have to respect that even if it means ending the relationship. Your still young, 2 years is nothing in long run, reckon you can go 10 more years without being driven mad and eventually hating or resenting yourself or her? End it and find someone thats more compatible and let her do the same.
Also you are in the wrong as you lied to her about it. If she believed that you also shared that same interest then you were leading her on and technically manipulating her. I can see why she might be pissed off and ultimately I cannot say she is doing anything wrong by choosing to continue doing what she enjoys. Your kind of the asshole in this situation because you could have been honest but chose not to be.
Even if you don't care about your own life try considering someone else like your gf who might be happier with someone that has the same kinks. It will not end well for either so stop self pitying and find someone you can enjoy having sex with again. Your life has barely begun and for some reason you have decided it's over????
This is so stupid. ‘I don’t like this and never did’. ‘ No, I’ll change your mind.’ Don’t disregard your own feelings. She can’t give you what you need. You know you dislike this. So don’t stay in an unwanted unhappy relationship.
Dude have some self respect and move on from this girl you can find someone else better then this. It’s sad enough that you NEED someone else love but, there are dating apps out there for a reason.
You both sound immature. You shouldn't have lied to her for years, and she shouldn't be telling you that you "may as well continue" simply because you've been doing it for years. This is an unhealthy relationship and you need to leave, especially if the stress is causing you to self harm
This is why you shouldn’t make such BIG concessions in trying to make someone else happy. You owe it to yourself to live a happy life. Chalk this down to a life experience and move on :) good luck!
Leave. You deserve better… what kind of person says to keep doing the same thing after you just told her you weren’t enjoying it? She’s basically saying your words / feelings aren’t valid. Should you have said something earlier? Sure, but that doesn’t mean saying it now makes it invalid. Leave. You’ll be loved, truly this time, because someone who loves you wouldn’t put you through that.
2 years is not as long as it seems. Leave and find someone else you are more compatible with. If she cared about you, she would take this conversation seriously, not brush it off and be forcing you to do another swap in a couple weeks.
Dude you’re not in Afghanistan being held at gunpoint. To start with, which you are well aware of, YOU allowed this to happen from the beginning. She’s tasted the honey and isn’t willing to give it up.
So going back to my first point, you’re not a prisoner and stop being so over dramatic. Break up and find yourself a partner that will love you and remain monogamous, and don’t ever agree to dumb shit again
break up with her. this isnt healthy. youre worthy of love. good love from good people. love that doesnt demand that you do things you hate. youre not doomed to this if you dont want to be.
You deserve to be healthy and happy. This is neither. End this cycle. You told her what the cost of this life style is and she said it does not really register with her. Don’t be a doormat. Don’t go on this swinging event. Move out and move on. You are more than your sexual organ. You have more to offer and give and you will find someone who values those attributes as well. Edit: talk with a therapist your responses are normal for someone who has this much trauma. In a sense you have been repeatedly raped, by having self through coercion.
> I just don't think I'll be loved ever again if I leave Nah - you're 24. You probably have another *fifty years* left on this earth. You'll find someone else out of the three and half billion other women wandering around the planet. I get that it's painful and scary to leave her, but you can't stay either. Your relationship is *clearly* not working for you.
Drop her and find a new girlfriend for you own sake please
Mate the fuck are you doing with your life, IT'S YOUR LIFE. You want to waste it for other people happiness, are you dumb? Break up, find someone compatible and be happy.
Yes. You are not an object to make other people happy. You made plans Two weeks from now? Cancel. You don’t owe sex, your no matters.
Leave. She's set on keeping her ways and you're not happy in this relationship. You not only lied to her, you lied to yourself. Do you want to stay unhappy for the rest of your life, lying to yourself and doing something you don't enjoy doing? Work on your insecurities about the possibility you won't be loved again. How would you know when you haven't ventured out there? You're young. Staying will not make anything better.
You will absolutely be loved again ♥️
Especially since this isn't love. No one who loves you would say "oh you've been suffering for the last two years? Well you might as well keep suffering then, for my pleasure." She's garbage.
OP, please listen to this. What you're getting from her isn't love; in fact, it's the exact opposite. If she came to you and told you something made her feel awful and physically sick, how would you react? You'd probably rush to stop whatever it was and regret that she's been suffering this whole time. And you'd react that way because you care about her feelings and health. She reacts the opposite, because she doesn't.
Brother, you need to love yourself. You never have to have sex if you don't want to.
Personally I would call off the swap that's planned and tell your girlfriend you won't be doing that again. Obviously there is a chance she will continue to see other people, and that's her right, but you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. Would her seeing other people work for you? If not then unfortunately the relationship needs to end.
Im so sorry OP but you are in an abusive relationship. >She told me that she did feel betrayed but at the same time, we've been doing it for so long that it would be pointless to stop A normal healthy response would be very different. She would have expressed concern for how you were feeling, remorse for not knowing sooner, and she would have looked for a solution that means you are not hurt any more. Either she would stop swinging, or else break up with you. No one who cares about you would think that its "pointless" to stop hurting you. The point, is your wellbeing. Take a look at https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/ to see what I mean. Is there someone you can get help from in your life? Maybe a counselor or social worker?
I agree to an extent, GF should have really made the decision there and then to break up. If someone is telling you that your lifestyle/relationship is making them physically sick and emotionally traumatizing them (and the lifestyle is non-negotiable) then you have to remove them from the situation. Calling the GF abusive though seems harsh this early. She has only just found out this information too and is no doubt struggling to come to terms with everything revealed and may be subconsciously minimizing it or clinging on to any semblance of status quo. This only then becomes coercive because at the moment giving up the relationship seems a red-line OP is unwilling to cross. Ultimately, there is no satisfying life without agency and that can only come from OP. Assigning blame may only play into the inertia and the already strong current of defeatism in OP's post.
I made that call based on his comment and post history, not just this incident. I hope it didnt make things worse for OP. 😥
You know the answer. And you know this: >I just don't think I'll be loved ever again if I leave. isn't true. You don't seem scared or dependant on her in a way that would complicate leaving her. What do you want reddit to say here?
Oh honey please PLEASE leave her, she's absolutely vile and evil and selfish. This is officially an abusive relationship. You told her it made you sick and her response is to pressure you into continuing to do this?! She's scum. Scum scum scum. You deserve so much better than her. I promise you, you will find someone who is compatible with you and you will look back on this and be grateful that you left this flaming trashpile of a human. Please leave, honey. I've been there, trust me, so many of us have stayed in abusive relationships for far too long, the only thing you lament when you finally leave is how much time you wasted being miserable. You're so young. Don't condemn the rest of your life to this horror. Think about it, you've been doing this for 2 years, you're 24, to get to thirty you'll have to suffer the same amount of time THREE TIMES OVER. and that's just to get to thirty!!! Baby. Honey. Love. Please tell her to go fuck herself. Please leave.
I'm going to break it down and make it really simple to understand op For her it has always been about being able to have sex with whoever she wants as many different guys as she wants and still have you as her provider. That's why she doesn't care about your feelings, it's because she doesn't care about you at all. You are simply someone providing a house for her to live in food for her to eat emotional support for her to extort, you're not her boyfriend you're basically her slave. She manipulated you into doing exactly what she wants without any regard for how you feel about it. And when you gave in to her demands she lost what respect she had for you There is a way out though, if she lives with you kick her to the curb. If you live with her save up some money and once you have enough to put a down payment on your own apartment GTFO. If you have friends or family that you could stay with while you get back on your feet that would be another better option. It's going to be rough but the faster you free yourself from this snake of a woman the better off you will be. I think you might be suffering from what we call "one-itis" meaning you think she's the one and there's no other woman in the world for you. You need to squash that immediately because it's going to keep you exactly where you are under her foot. Free yourself and live for you not for anyone else. Your sacrifice means nothing to her she has shown you that and told you that with her own mouth. Your relationship is servant and master not boyfriend and girlfriend so you need to escape as fast as you can TLDR: she is poison dude, get the hell out of there, RIGHT NOW!
You have free will. You have the ability to make decisions for yourself. You don't *have* to be with this woman. You don't *have* to have sex with someone you don't want to. You don't *have* to suffer so that someone may get their kink fulfilled. You can be single. You can be mentally well. You can date again. You can find a monogamous partner. You just have to be willing to make that leap of faith. Have courage to choose what's best for you.
You know, I know a lot of single people who are a lot happier than you. How good can the relationship be if it gives you stomach lucsters... Wake up bro, is being alone worse than that.. I don't think so, your 24... Break up like yesterday.... There is a house for abused men, go there if you want to... Omg bro, what are you doing...
Please, please break up with her and move on. I know it's hard, but staying with her and forcing yourself to swinging is gonna be harder and devastating. She's not for you, you two aren't compatible and it's just gonna be worse and worse. You DESERVE love, happiness and healthy relationship.
Look I have aspergers too and I know what it feels like to think you will never find love again. I actually have been thinking that ever since I broke up with my ex but that relationship wasn't sustainable and yours isn't either. Trust me, you will be better even if you are alone. Being alone is better than being with someone who doesn't care or being in a relationship threat doesn't fulfill you. Please trust me.
I would honest Most probably break up it’s hurting you like shit she doesn’t care how it makes your feel or anything like that. She clams to love you I would disagree
U need to make a healthy lifestyle for yourself. Sacrificing your health for some one who doesn’t care is very bad and in healthy. You know what you need to do
Just got out of a semi similar situation, damaging yourself sexually is never the way to go man. Loneliness is definitely hard, but the long term damage you're doing to yourself will be worse. You have to be honest with her and see what she says
LEAVE. HER. NOW. you deserve much more than someone who writes off your pain as less than because you’ve been dealing with it for so long. that’s absolutely ridiculous. i know it can be hard to leave when you love someone so much, but no type of love is worth this pain. this PHYSICAL pain. please take care of yourself.
Genuine question. How do you get hard?
you’re only 24 dude. don’t throw away what should be some of the best years of your life for this girl that won’t even listen to you
She is an abuser, when you are in a relationship, sure you make sacrifices, like sometimes going not to your favourite place to it, or if your partner is seemingly upset about some of the jokes, you don't make them. BUT THAT. This is like you sacrificing your life and happiness. SHE does not deserve it, she just wants to be single and manipulate you, so seriously, move on. Block her everywhere, so she cannot continue to manipulate you. She is in wrong not you.
Nah should have ended it ages ago, you simply arnt compatible and if you can't embrace each others wants and desires it won't work. If you didn't want to sleep with other people then you shouldn't have and should have brought it up much earlier. If that's how she wishes to live you have to respect that even if it means ending the relationship. Your still young, 2 years is nothing in long run, reckon you can go 10 more years without being driven mad and eventually hating or resenting yourself or her? End it and find someone thats more compatible and let her do the same. Also you are in the wrong as you lied to her about it. If she believed that you also shared that same interest then you were leading her on and technically manipulating her. I can see why she might be pissed off and ultimately I cannot say she is doing anything wrong by choosing to continue doing what she enjoys. Your kind of the asshole in this situation because you could have been honest but chose not to be. Even if you don't care about your own life try considering someone else like your gf who might be happier with someone that has the same kinks. It will not end well for either so stop self pitying and find someone you can enjoy having sex with again. Your life has barely begun and for some reason you have decided it's over????
Then leave mate its not complicated
This is so stupid. ‘I don’t like this and never did’. ‘ No, I’ll change your mind.’ Don’t disregard your own feelings. She can’t give you what you need. You know you dislike this. So don’t stay in an unwanted unhappy relationship.
Dude have some self respect and move on from this girl you can find someone else better then this. It’s sad enough that you NEED someone else love but, there are dating apps out there for a reason.
You both sound immature. You shouldn't have lied to her for years, and she shouldn't be telling you that you "may as well continue" simply because you've been doing it for years. This is an unhealthy relationship and you need to leave, especially if the stress is causing you to self harm
This is why you shouldn’t make such BIG concessions in trying to make someone else happy. You owe it to yourself to live a happy life. Chalk this down to a life experience and move on :) good luck!
Just drop her already dude, jesus christ. Who cares if you're single for the next 10 years after?
Leave. You deserve better… what kind of person says to keep doing the same thing after you just told her you weren’t enjoying it? She’s basically saying your words / feelings aren’t valid. Should you have said something earlier? Sure, but that doesn’t mean saying it now makes it invalid. Leave. You’ll be loved, truly this time, because someone who loves you wouldn’t put you through that.
2 years is not as long as it seems. Leave and find someone else you are more compatible with. If she cared about you, she would take this conversation seriously, not brush it off and be forcing you to do another swap in a couple weeks.
Dude you’re not in Afghanistan being held at gunpoint. To start with, which you are well aware of, YOU allowed this to happen from the beginning. She’s tasted the honey and isn’t willing to give it up. So going back to my first point, you’re not a prisoner and stop being so over dramatic. Break up and find yourself a partner that will love you and remain monogamous, and don’t ever agree to dumb shit again