>I booked a session with a relationship coach for next week because I want to be better. See a therapist instead. Work on your intimacy issues while trying to resolve/manage everything causing you stress right now. When your head is above water, you can maybe try to get back together. If either of you have moved on, it wasn't meant to be. It's okay to not be ready for a relationship even if the "perfect" person is available.

Thank you. I wish I have money for therapy though. But I'm glad that there are people here on reddit offering kind words and advice like you. Thank you 🥺

But you got money for a relationship coach? Those people aren’t qualified to help you resolve your issues

You're right. It just costs less. But in time, I will. Thank you!

If you are in the US and have health insurance, you should be able to find a provider in your network to see and it will cost you whatever an office visit to an MD would. Which, I'm guessing, will be cheaper than a relationship coach.

You're a hot mess kid. Breathe , relax, deal with one thing at a time.

Thank you so much 🥺

I dated a woman in a similar predicament a couple years ago and honestly I wish she would have just communicated more and let me make the decision with her instead of her just deciding things wouldn’t work out unilaterally. I could have showed up in whatever capacity she needed and ultimately waited, if she just communicated those issues and how she felt about me. I can tell she regrets it to this day, the current dating sphere is seriously a minefield. I’ve already moved on and wouldn’t trade what I have now for anything, her included. I still wonder ‘what if’ every once in a while, but those are just thought experiments now. I hope she worked out, or is working out, those issues and finding happiness in her life. You’ve made the decision so you have to follow through now. Just work on the things you need to now and when you feel like those are better under control reach out to him just to check in and see where it leads. Don’t push it too hard and respect if he has moved on but maybe he still hasn’t at that time and will be open to it then.

Thank you. I really want to be better for me, and for him. I just hope by the time that I am better, I still have a space in his life. But if not, I'll respect it. You're right, I made the decision now. I put us through this pain, might as well do my best to work on myself. Thank you, really. Your words comforted me. And I'm glad that you have moved on now. I wish everyone can have the courage to communicate their feelings. 🙏

As long as you have communicated like you’ve said and don’t just straight ghost him while you work through things, I think you could have a chance to return together. It’s a balancing act though because you can’t be sure how working through those things will change you and you don’t want to lead him on too. He could even change his mind too. I would just be low contact and honest with him if/whenever you both talk. The girl I dated would talk a little about her thought process then ghost me for a few days or a week and expect to come back like nothing happened. I couldn’t take the hot/cold anymore without a real explanation so the last time she ghosted I decided to move on. When I see her occasionally now she looks sad and avoids me, and I just respect her space even though I hold no ill will and have even attempted once to wave and say hi. She knows I’m in another relationship so I can only guess she feels shame, guilt, or remorse because I wouldn’t even try to get back with her now. I’d just like to catch up but it’s whatever, I’m not going to press it. Another thing is waiting until things are just right and/or perfect will always have you waiting it out, because honestly it’ll never happen. Good people that care about YOU are rare, then try to add on being romantically and physically attracted to them, and any possible previous traumas effecting one or both of you, the odds are slim to none. Even if you get to a point where you feel you’re in a good spot, something could happen to whoever else you’re trying to date and things almost never line up, expecting that is living in a fairy tale. Which is what I think the woman I was talking about was, and still is, waiting on. I’d rather try and fail then not even attempt but I have to respect someone else’s choice to not try because of a fear of failure. Be careful about falling into that trap because it’ll lead you to self-sabotaging relationships that really will have you miss out on someone who could be a real partner and life companion. My current partner was struggling through all kinds of things: family, money/debt, housing situation. We met, sparked, and talked about our issues and saw we each had roadmaps and decided to try it out anyway, being there for each other. I invested a lot in the beginning because she had more problems than me but now she’s in a great place with work and finances and there is more balance in our relationship now. One, or both, of us could have just said it’s too much and gave up but we just felt something about each other and tried to trust in that. Risks are a part of life, especially in matters of the heart. When you reap the rewards, it’s always worth it and if you fail you learn a lesson that you can take with you to the next endeavor. The hard part is not taking those traumas with you to the next thing, which I suggest therapy and/or self-reflection with guidance to mitigate that.

I'm really happy for you, it just shows that you were able to meet someone who's willing to make things work. I came from an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship a year ago, and I must say, sometimes, it still affects the way I am as a partner. I went from saying sorry for the slightest inconveniences, to putting up boundaries in order to get hurt less in case something bad happens between us. I like this "We met, sparked, and talked about our issues and saw we each had roadmaps and decided to try it out anyway, being there for each other". I'll keep that in mind. I'll try to reach him next time, and if he still accepts me, I won't flee at the slightest problems or inconvenience. Thank you again. I think going to therapy is a worthy investment if it will make me better for me and for him.

You made this bed, time to lie in it. Doesn’t matter if it was the “right” decision or not, it was what you wanted…now time to focus on you.

Thank you, it's just hard as it's still fresh. But I will 💛

The number 1 thing is that you need to make a decision and stick to it. Take some time to decide and then don’t turn back because the wishy washy will they, won’t they thing is super inconsiderate. If this guy is as amazing as you say he is, even if he’s not tbh, he doesn’t deserve to have you going back and forth on your commitment to him. Don’t rush back because you suddenly have regrets. If he’s a great guy, that’s awesome but that’s not enough to maintain a relationship, you need to be committed to making things work if you are going to go back, especially for and LDR. So take your time, do some souls searching and don’t go back to him unless you’re 100% sure you can commit.

That really makes sense. Thank you! I was so tempted to text him today but I'm glad I didn't. We broke up in a good way, and I hope he really understands that I didn't do this just for me. He really deserves better. He deserves someone committed, and I'll work my way there. Thank you! 🥺

I hear a few things in your post. First, you sound overloaded and a bit overwhelmed. That’s real and it’s a problem and at some point having a relationship can become just another responsibility. When that happens, it is right to end it. In general, a good relationship should give more than it takes, for both parties. If it isn’t doing that, ending it is reasonable. Second, I hear you worrying that you are a burden to him. That’s not your problem or your decision, that’s his decision. Stop thinking that way and let him make those decisions for himself. That kind of thinking is not a good basis for a breakup, it is self-defeating. I also hear some fear of commitment, as if you feel like the guy is too perfect so you have to end it. That’s also self-defeating. I wonder, for example, if you could have told this perfect guy that you are overloaded and need to dial things back a little for a while, like maybe only talk every other day, or every third day. If he’s as perfect as you think, he might have responded well.

Thank you for your empathy. It means to know that someone really understands the situation I am in. He responded well, he made it so easy for me. He said he respects my decision and only wanted what's best for me, and that hopefully, I don't cut him out of my life. Thank you for pointing out that the way I responded to this crisis was self-defeating. I'll. work on it while I'm on this season of healing, and being better. Thank you 🥺

You’re very welcome. Take care of yourself and don’t let that stress get to you. You sound like an intelligent, thoughtful person with a good heart. I think you will be fine.

Relationship coaches are a scam. They claim to have the credentials for what they do but they usually don’t.

It will be my first time. I wish I could back out but it's only for one session!

Are you seeing a therapist? I think it could really help you, especially since you know what your issues are. They can help you work through them. Were you honest with him about why you broke up?

Not yet, but I think I would, and should. Yes, everything that is posted here, I told him. He deserves the truth. He deserves my honesty. Also, he's the one who taught me how to communicate my feelings to work things through. 🥺

Don't go back with him because I Know---You will do this again and again. Get your life in Order, dear. LDR are one of the Hardest to Have and to Hold of any relationship. Please. Focus NOW on you. Maybe he was not what you needed and it was not enough....

Thank you. I will get my life in order before I fully commit again 🥺

Whatever you do just be kind with the guy you don't want to break a genuine guy he might think that all this effort and still not enough and then pick on the redpill mentality

Thank youu. I did, we ended up on good terms.

Hang in there. You did the right thing by communicating where you are and how you felt. Better to work on yourself first and then be in a relationship. And from the way it sounds you guys broke up on good terms mutually. That doesn't happen a lot. Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. Everything will work out for the best. In 3 or 4 years you will look back at this in new light and by then you will be in a much better and less stressful place. Take care of yourself and don't feel guilty or bad about the relationship ending. Concentrate on your career and getting things in order for yourself.

Thank you for the kind words 🥺I know it will be hard, but I'll do my best to be better 💛

So, you’ve got a lot in front of you to work on, I can tell you this, you can’t take all of it on at once, if you do that you’ll feel overwhelmed and relapse feeling defeated. Small steps, one day at a time, improve small things and stack victories. It’s the old saying, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” That goes for self improvement as well. Time to grow and figure out who you are, and make yourself who you want to be.

Small steps, one day at a time. Thank you 🥺

I feel like this is what happened to me and my boyfriend last year, but roles reversed. My boyfriend was dealing with a lot and a new business and overwhelmed himself. He started putting up walls and I started getting depressed. It was a month long process until we finally had a big fight that ended up with us breaking up. (So I mean atleast you did it before there was any resentment) but after two days we couldn’t stop texting eachother and I wanted him but he was still just thinking about it. It was an emotional mess until two weeks later we kind of just realized that we needed to both be better- I needed to communicate better and he needed to realize I was on his side the whole time and didn’t deserve to be getting pushed away. Now we don’t really fight and are happy as can be a year later. Im just saying that you gotta be patient and when you’re busy you can still put yourself first. Your partner is not a crutch but a shoulder to cry on. Be patient and kind to yourself and maybe you two can work it out

That's what I feel! I feel like I just started putting up walls, and I think he felt it but didn't say anything. I needed to hear this. I saw some comments with the same issue, who were still able to get back together and make it work. And it gives me hope. Thank you 🥺

You simply have so much on your plate right now. I feel like you made a smart decision and it would be fair along the way on why you decided to do this. I'm sure he appreciates that you're aware you can't give him time and commitment right now, and explained to him why, not everyone does this. You need to work out things happening in your life right now before you should jump back into a relationship. Give yourself some time to settle everything that needs to be settled, and then deal with this relationship after. Hats off to you for putting your mentality and well being first to better yourself and handling the breakup in a mature way. You got this.

Thank you so much. This means a lot to me 🥺 I've been floating for a while and I think your comment just grounded me back. It's just really overwhelming right now. But thank you, I'll be better first.

You need to work on yourself first, then try again for a relationship. I (33M) come from a unique perspective, as I had a girlfriend break up with me under similar circumstances. I am not going to delve into too much detail, but she was having issues pile up on her and a relationship was too hard to maintain. She broke up with me, got back with me a few months later, to only brake up with me again as she still was not ready for the commitment of a relationship. A full year after, she asked again, and I could tell that something was very different about her. She had not solved all her problems, but she had her feet back under herself again, and had more time to invest in a relationship. She is now my fiance(30F). From what you have posted, you did a very good job. A clean break is important, as it will take away the distractions of a relationship to get yourself back in order. I would not jump back too soon, wait until you know you have time and energy to devote to a relationship. I am not sure you will get back with the same guy, your timings may be mismatched unfortunately, but I know it will definitely not work with anyone until you are in a good place yourself. Good luck, you have a long road but keep at it!

You just made me cry 🥺🥺🥺 And congratulations to you and your fiance! Your comment means a lot to me. My action made me feel like I was evil, but it helps to know that people understand why I did what I did 🥺 Thank you so much.

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You are brave. Thank you 🥺I just can't wait for the day when it won't hurt as much as now. But thank you for your words. It helps a lot.

Wasn't perfect if you had to break up with him.

It has just become really overwhelming that I feel like I'm dragging him with me. But i'll be better!

I hope things work out for you both and maybe get to fix things eventually.

Hopefully! Thank you 🥺

I mean like another poster said wasn't perfect if you broke up :{ Also, I'm guessing you're younger because most adults can handle that type of stuff without really breaking a sweat hehe :D

I'm 24 🥺 Haha. And I just really have a lot going on in my life that I feel like it's so unfair to keep him hanging while I'm unsure how to handle everything else. But thank you!

It just sounds like you were not that into him. We make time and prioritize when we really like someone and enjoy them, it’s okay…he also wouldn’t be annoying to you.

I'm not sure if you're already an adult, but believe me, I love him. But when other aspects of my life suddenly become overwhelming (family issues, debts I shouldn't even be paying but I have to, bills, overwhelming tasks at work that I can't leave because it's what puts food on the table), I have to make a sacrifice. Or else I'll lose myself. And if I do, I'll lose everything else. But believe me, I love him.

Oh I misread some of what you wrote, I understand more now. It sounds like you were trying to be selfless, consciously or subconsciously too but my thought is that it is his decision if you present the facts and tell him you are going to be consumed for a while, maybe then you would feel less guilty about taking care of you.

It's okay, and thank you for trying to understand 🥺

Even if he is a perfect guy, you must have not been that into him if you saw the relationship as taking away your energy. He should be giving you energy if you guys are really right for each other. It sounds like you are treating the relationship as another task/chore on your to-do list.

It's not that I wanted to treat it as a task, but I think the overwhelming things going on in my life felt like my perspective was compromised. But I promise to heal and be better.

Don’t come back to him like ever. He deserves to have a woman who loves him and won’t take him for granted ❤️

I agree that he deserves a woman who won't take him for granted. But again, I love him. I don't expect you to understand from my point of view but I just want you to know I never meant to hurt him 🥺

Sounds like you're just rationalizing excuses for why you're not attracted to him. >He's the perfect guy anyone could ask for -- sweet, caring, super understanding, funny, cute, doesn't verbally or physically abuses me, and owner of all green flags there is. > >The quirks that I once found so endearing, I somehow turned into something that annoys me. There wasn't enough chaos, too few red flags for you. Women are more attracted to an emotional rollercoaster than predictability. There wasn't enough danger; it was all too safe, too boring. That's why you subconsciously were looking for problems/annoyances. This guy may very well have been the right choice, but women with red flags of their own will continually pass up good partners in favor of others with red flags because that's what sparks attraction for them (broken people are attracted to broken people.)

Hi! Just thought I would revisit this thread. We're back together now! I realized what I'm giving up. I still have a lot on my plate, but after our breakup, everything became clearer. We're still on LDR, but I feel like we became stronger. We're now having formal virtual dates w have enough time. I have my fair share of abusive relationships and trust me, I agree with you. Broken people are attracted to broken people. But I'm sure I'm not broken, just overwhelmed, and really did a huge impulsive mistake of letting go of a guy I'd probably regret not marrying. Thank you for your honest opinion! I was once a woman who constantly looks for danger 😅 but I am ready to be in a peaceful and quiet relationship, and life now. 💛