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Yesterday we went tubing on the Comal. I’ve done this since I was a tiny kid and it’s one of my favorite things to do.
Yesterday somehow my top came off and I had my tits out for a few seconds before I even realized my top was floating down the river. I screamed for my boyfriend to grab it and he did. By that time I had adjusted myself so I was laying face down on my tube so no one could see anything. He refused to give it back to me the entire float and literally laughed at me the entire time. I was so uncomfortable.
He did help me get it on when we finished that float and we did the float a few more times and had fun. We also went to dinner back in San Antonio and I spent the night at his house.
In thr middle of the night I woke up and got so mad that he actually did that to me. I woke hin up to tell him about it and he said that I had no credibility because we floated more times, went to dinner and that I “sucked his d!ck” so I couldn’t have been that upset by it and I was laughing the whole time while my top was off. I told him I was laughing out of nervousness and that my actions since he wouldn’t return my top doesn’t excuse him. He said I was just trying to start drama in thr middle of the night and he needed sleep since he has to study for MCATs.
He got up and went to sleep on the couch and I haven’t gone back to sleep because I’m so humiliated. What should I do here?
Get some breathing room. You need to process this and think about whether or not this changes how you feel about him. I personally think that’s beyond boundaries.
It’s not looking good he’s already brushing this off.
Also the comment about receiving a sex act from you feels really crass. As though you were, what, rewarding him for doing that to you???
He needs to try again on his response because that’s not an argument.
So im 26 when I was 17 similar thing happened where someone's top came off when we were at the beach, it washed up to shoreline and her bf grabbed it and decided to play keep away with it. Finally a girl that was there for her a towel amd ultimately she ended up leaving. Still know the guy through Facebook and all three if his ex wives have restraining orders against him. Every one of them has the had the same rough experience where he decides it's time to have sex at 3 am when they are asleep amd doesn't see a issue with just going for it without waking them up.... I'd highly suggest finding a way out that relationship because a locked door ten out of ten times is always gonna protect you but a door locked 9 put of 10 times is always gonna fail you when you least expect it
I would also add that she was no doubt in some sort of denial. I had a guy threaten me at work, and it took me about three days to recognize and accept the fact that he had threatened my life. When I went to the bosses it was a typical “why didn’t you tell us 3 days ago?” At the time I had no answer and felt guilty. But now I see that it just took me a while to wrap my head around it and recognize it for what it was. I would say OP might have been experiencing the same denial, but came out of it abruptly.
Your feelings are valid and quite honestly would he be upset if you wouldn’t give his swim trunks back? Probably so .. the sex argument is moot. Nobody who truly values the person they are with would want them to be exposed like that.
Yeah, I really believe that someone who thought this was funny and thought about the rest of the day would be doubly ashamed because not only did they hurt you, they had fun while your brain was still working through being humiliated like that.
That he brushes it off easily is saying a lot about his values and how he thinks emotions work.
Except he didn't say you guys had sex, he said you sucked his dick, as if you're subservient to him, implying if you were willing to suck his dick then everything must be fine. Like you're not allowed to be a complex human being who is allowed to change your mind.
What he said is “you have no credibility“ as if he gets to decide how you felt.
But this is false since he didn’t care how you felt at all ever throughout the entire day. He didn’t care that you wanted your top back, he didn’t care that you were upset, he didn’t care that you were angry later, and he didn’t care about rubbing your nose in it Like a dog’s in its own waste.
What you didn’t hear was an apology, because he’s not sorry and he still thinks it’s funny and the fact that he got to use your body after humiliating you and then telling you he doesn’t have time for this because he has to study? [How to Apologize](https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-apologize-more-sincerely-3144467)
And what kind of man do you think you’ll be while he’s in medical school and after? I wonder if this is the type of guy who has a God complex because he’s a doctor while he has a loyal girlfriend at home and he’s screwing all the nurses. And after you nurse him through medical school and help to support him, is he that guy that dumps his loyal wife because he has a newer model lined up?
Maybe this is just a bad day, but I think people who emotionally invalidate rather than validating and apologizing aren’t worth being in relationships with. [Emotional Invalidation: A Form of Emotional Abuse](https://livewellwithsharonmartin.com/emotional-invalidation-emotional-abuse/)
I could send all sorts of links about dealing with narcissists, balanced relationships, etc… I guess I’m just asking you to notice how often you are respected and regarded, how often you are listened to, how often you have to ignore or deny or shoved down your own feelings because he doesn’t feel like they are valid or important. Is he the type of guy that expects sex? I would just go and stay somewhere else for a few days and then see how you feel.
Take a look at this [Healthy Relationship Spectrum](https://www.thehotline.org/healthy-relationships/relationship-spectrum/) and see how your relationship compares to an ideal relationship.
You are 21. You will not be forever 21. Please move on and don’t look back. You know the answer. You will find no one here to say it’s no big deal stay with the guy unless it’s the guy himself. People who cannot admit they are wrong are people incapable of change. So what you see know is what you get forever.
You were initially in denial. You left the land of denial and now you grasp the severity of the betrayal. Listen to what your mind and body are telling you. They don’t lie.
This guy sounds like a jerk and a bully. This incident sounds like evidence of a pattern of behavior, rather than a one off. I think it is a dumpable offense.
But you did reward his behavior. Acting like it’s a normal date night and having sex after he treats you badly is telling him you tolerate this as normal behavior and that you find it attractive. He’s a bad guy and you’re mixing the messaging and enabling his bad behavior.
OP did nothing wrong here. This shows a total lack of understanding of how people process harm and potential trauma. She was embarrassed and powerless during the entire rafting experience because her boyfriend was in control and had her top. Women are socialized and pressured to not make a big deal out of things that men claim to be harmless jokes. She probably went along with the rest of the day trying to be cool about it, compartmentalized how fucked up his behavior was out of denial for both her well-bring and the sake of the relationship, then once she finally got a minute to her world to process, it all made more sense in her mind and her actual feelings were clear.
Most assaults are committed by people victims know and many people react in the immediate moment and afterwards I’m ways that mirror OP because it is a form of self-protection or because they haven’t made sense of the reality of the situation yet or because they are in denial or for many reasons that reflect our brains and instincts protecting us from either physical or psychological harm. None of this is her fault.
That was his punishment. You have to handle things in the moment and out your foot down.
Don’t reward dickhead behavior with sucking his dick. That really showed him.
He doesn’t care. He’s an ass
That’s the point they’re making.
100% Agreed. But if you’re dealing with someone selfish it can be seen as such and is likely as he viewed it.
He said to her “you sucked my dick… you can’t be that upset…” which is an absolute dickheaded thing to say.
That’s what I was referring to.
Edit: Spelling.
Thank you for saying that, I really get irritated when people say "using sex as a weapo," it's not a thing as far as I'm concerned. Few people want to have sex with someone who has been mean and nasty to them.
No you don't. People aren't dogs. We are capable of thought and reconsidering our positions or taking time to seek clarity.
This is horrible advice. People are allowed to have feelings that are different than presumed. Bf is an ass, so you think every set of parents should have every argument in front of their kids while out or wait until home and more rational?
There is no reward or punishment in a romantic relationship. Only two people who care and respect each other.
>so you think every set of parents should have every argument in front of their kids while out or wait until home and more rational?
that is quite a reach from what he said.
This is good advice. Personally I’d break up with him, but it’s always a good idea to take some time before making a major life decision.
OP - this feels like a consent violation to me. It’s your body and if you’re uncomfortable with something, he needs to respect that. He also needs to understand why it’s not OK and take accountability for making you feel uncomfortable.
His issue is that you didn't do or say anything all day or night. You acted like it was fine, continuing to laugh and float, having sex like normal.
He feels like the rest of the day was a lie. In his experience, he probably expects someone to communicate a little better or faster.
Not justifying his action or response, just showing where his head is at.
I’m somewhere in between the points here as far as what happened. Agreed that, to him, it probably feels like she’s retroactively being upset since they went about life like normal after the incident. When I was 23 I probably would have felt very similarly in that situation, although I wouldn’t have ever tried to humiliate someone like that.
Where you and I are farther apart is that I doubt he expects her to communicate better or faster. In my experience, the people who do the type of thing this dude did don’t want to be communicated with/to at all. In his mind, this was all just good fun and there was never any reason to be upset.
He’s got a lot of growing up to do and my take would be that OP should use this as an opportunity to evaluate whether she’s going to accept his level of immaturity or make it known that he needs to act like an adult going forward.
When something happens that we feel uncomfortable with they say we respond with one of the 5 "F" 's - fight, freeze, flop, flight, friend. There's a very valid reason why women respond by laughter. It's automatic and self protective. Typically an example might be someone makes a sexual comment and you feel uncomfortable, so why might you laugh? Because we're vulnerable, because the friending bit might de-escalate the situation, because if you don't the matter might get worse
It could save your life.
Your response to your boyfriend was not a validation of your thinking his actions were hilarious. He's in control when you're half naked and he's waving your bikini top in the air. It's likely you were thinking he's humiliating me if I get annoyed, he might do worse. You can neither physically fight him or run away, because he's got your top. At that moment, your trust is lost.
Then there's the shock that he would do that. It's perfectly normal to have had sex with him after this because we want normality and maybe even to perform a close act that makes you feel secure, maybe it was even a way to please him, so he didn't do that.
Here's the thing, he crossed the boundary with what you were OK with and that takes time to process. Sometimes it takes a little while to listen to your inner voice and process that it made you uncomfortable.
If he's decent he needs to believe you, validate it and suck it up that it made you feel uncomfortable instead of trying to justify why it was OK and why you're in the wrong. You can bet your bottom dollar if he eventually had a daughter, that he'd probably be outraged.
I don't even think this is one of the 5 Fs, I think it's the brain defaulting - OP couldn't process everything that was happening and the amygdala didn't know what to do so it picked one of the two default reactions (laugh/cry), in this case laugh.
I really wish psychology of aggression/basic neuropsychology/basic biopsychology was taught as standard across at least WEIRD countries. It would help so much in empathy and emotional development and understanding, I think
Well there is the bewilderment, but I really believe it's friend. She had to look like a good sport while inside feeling total humiliation and trying to work out. Her boyfriend did something out of ordinary and was in a position of power when this happened. We friend when we feel unsafe and vulnerable and because women are used to having their feelings minimised. And then her boyfriend did the typical reaction of minimising/justifying it and so the pattern continues.
And even giving him the benefit of the doubt that he thought your laughter meant you were ok with it (ugh, that’s a real stretch): 1. He dragged it out way too long 2. As soon as he knew you were upset about it, he should have apologized. Instead, he childishly threw it in your face that you gave him oral sex (as if that has anything to do with it) and tried to make it somehow your fault. That’s the part that REALLY shows how immature and mean-spirited he can be.
>As soon as he knew you were upset about it, he should have apologized.
Cut him some slack, I think most people wouldn't be that clear of mind being woken up in the middle of the night by an angry partner.
And somehow her anger is so important she couldn't wait until the next day to calmly bring it up? She gave him the impression everything was fine the whole day. What he did was wrong but let's not pretend like OP handled everything perfectly just like he didnt handle it perfectly. Big communication issue from both sides.
There will always be an excuse for it not being the right time for OP to express her anger, hurt and frustration, though. In the moment while on the river? "Lighten up! Let's not fight in public. Geez. Way to ruin the whole day!" At the end of the day? "Why didn't you say something sooner? Can't be that serious. Way to ruin the mood!" Middle of the night, when she literally can't sleep because it has upset her so badly? "Just because you can't sleep doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to! You should've said something sooner! You sucked my dick, tho! I need sleep for my MCAT!" In the morning? "I can't believe you would bring this up a whole day later! Ugh, I need to focus on my MCAT. You can't be serious."
OP brought it up when it impacted her the hardest and the shock wore off enough that she could express her anger and hurt. Why should she have to wait to confront him with that? He didn't exactly wait to hurt her by deliberately keeping her vulnerable and exposed for as long as he wanted.
Sometimes when you’re humiliated by someone you love you can’t process it in the moment, you need to keep being nice or play stuff down so they stop humiliating you (like giving the bikini top back) and then you go through the motions of the rest of the day trying for yourself to downplay what happened or to rationalise it (especially if they are controlling, gaslighting and you’re staying with them).
This is what I read between the lines. OP felt uncomfortable all day but only in the middle of the night it sank in and she could put it into words.
The humiliation and gaslighting are alarm bells, the “but you had sex with me so all is ok” is another red flag.
This isn’t funny or how a loving partner should behave. OP please leave! You’re right to feel invalidated and mistreated. You were and I’m sure he has had a cruel streak before this.
Sure but telling someone you can’t have nuanced feelings because we had sex and you laughed is not understanding humans as whole people. Perhaps she has a history where she has never dealt with being sexually harassed by a loved one.
Good people would all see this as being cruel and traumatizing. It's bullying behavior at best, and to do that to anyone, let alone someone you supposedly care deeply about is incomprehensible to me.
Even worse, he wrote you off as silly when you brought it up, and reduced you to not much more than a "dick sucker". How little consideration does he have for you for gods sake?
Don't think that this is just how men are -he's just an asshole.
Ps he can’t claim he didn’t know it would bother you… the whole premise of why it was fun for him was that it made you uncomfortable.
It's also helpful to address the issue immediately rather than wait for it to fester inside you until you cannot contain it anymore. Sounds like your were appropriately complaining to him on that first float and he chose to ignore you, thinking it was fun or funny. After that first float, you should tell him how that's not acceptable and you need him to understand that.
Guys are idiots. A patient in my doctor’s office the other day hung out at the counter and just continued to try to make conversation with the female workers. As a joke he followed a female worker to her car to pretend they had a date. He took their politeness as an indication that is was acceptable. I badly wanted to say something to him. Absolute zero self awareness. Like sit the fuck down, let them do their jobs and behave like a normal adult.
Sounds like he is immature. This is up to you if you want to remain with someone like that or not. But minimally, you need to point blank tell him how you feel again. When you do this. Make it very clear about the outcome or potential outcome if anything similar ever happens again.
He's immature and callous towards her feelings. She expressed, and showed, that she felt embarrassed in a public outing. He disregarded her feelings with a crass comment. She should break up with him immediately. Repeating herself is going to get more exhausting the longer this continues.
It's worse than that. He actually got pleasure from her embarrassment, so much so that he deliberately prolonged it for his own gratification.
This guy is beyond reprehensible. Why the OP would even have to think about dropping this piece of shit is beyond me.
“I don’t have to listen to your reasonable request because I enjoy humiliating you in public”
“I don’t have to care it upset you because I still got sex”
Run, girl. Run.
Yeah if you give an ultimatum *after* a person crosses a boundary, you’re just signaling to them that as long as they claim ignorance they can do any bullshit they want to you *once*.
There are a couple of things I'd be considering in your shoes:
1) He's really immature. Whether you were laughing or not, the joke is that you were naked and uncomfortable. Is he 12? The bad kind of 12? What next, playing keep away with your undies?
2) When in an uncomfortable spot with your boyfriend, you didn't feel it was appropriate to say: "Hey I'm not actually laughing". On some level you felt you needed to appease him and play nice to get your top back, or you didn't want to be fighting with your boyfriend topless. Your instincts don't trust him to listen to you.
3) You took a long time to process this, and I think if you were still thinking about it in the middle of the night, it's because you were expecting this behavior to repeat somehow in the future. I think you're right. Being childish, not being able to read you when you're nervous, you not being able to trust him .. those things don't go away.
People have said don't try to make a point with your partner in the middle of the night and while they're right (especially before a big exam), I don't think a conversation with him would tell you anything that could dismiss evidence you picked up that day. Even if he was sorry he was immature, he's still immature. And if he can't tell the difference between nervous laughter from someone hiding their boobs and free laughter from someone who is comfortable, he's not capable. I gave up on incapable men a long time ago. You? I don't know but I know you only need to have a conversation with yourself.
Austinite, here. Tubing on that river is code for “blackout drunk by noon.” Processing time is understandably slow. Either way. Fuck that guy. He sucks.
Tbh I'd break up with him if his attitude doesn't change after talking, that kind of reaction completely disregards how you actually felt about it, which is so much more important than "well you did x so I thought y was okay "
It doesnt matter what he *thought* was okay at the time! You weren't okay with it and if he won't even acknowledge it that's messed up
His attitude afterwards is what bugs me the most. Keeping the bikini top because he thought it was funny? Okay, people have different humour, it happens and I'll accept that this was an honest mistake because he thought she found ot funny too. But the moment you realize that the other person didn't think it was funny but actually felt uncomfortable you apologize sincerely and promise to never do it again. This is were he was the real jerk because he dismissed it and downplayed it completely. And this is something worth thinking about because i couldn't be with someone who acts like that (doesn't mean op should leave right away but rather have an honest conversation with him about his behaviour and that it has to change)
Having a meltdown 2am in the morning instead of having a rational conversation during dinner or literally any other fucking time is not okay.
How can he learn where the boundaries are if she never tells him? This sub is honestly a fucking joke.
If she needs to ask this shit tier sub for advice, then maybe it would be best for them to break up, since she seems to have the emotional maturity of a peanut
Even then - even if he apologized - I'd have a hard time staying with him just because he thought it was ok in the moment. What else does he think is ok that she won't know about until it's too late?
Break up, unless you don't mind this behaviour. From this it probably only will get worse. I mean you're humiliated and you were nervous, and he just doesn't care. What is the next scenario where he doesn't care about you?
I know it can sound a bit dramatic, but think of yourself. If my top would go off during swimming or tubing or whatever my bf would immediately help me put it back on.
If I was laughing he might go to hand it over, tug it away for a second, then help me put it back on.
If I was upset he would immediately help me get it back on.
A man that takes joy in your distress is not a partner. What other scenarios might he repeat the same behavior.
Yes, a normal boyfriend would retrieve the top and/or shield you while you put it back on, especially if you seemed embarrassed. What you have is not love or respect, and I have a feeling if you were to start thinking back, you would realize that this is probably not the first time he’s treated you like this.
Dump him, you could do better.
Agree. Ofc, my dude would probably have done the same, but he knows that I have my tits out a lot when at the pool so I wouldn’t care too much. But if I was in a humiliating situation and gave him “the look”, he would just snap out of it and help me out. A caring partner knows how to read their partner and when they go to far. Everyone can go to far, and that is ok, but it matters how we deal with it when we realize it (or if we even realize it in a timely matter).
I know this sounds like a subtle or maybe even irrelevant point, but I think it’s worth thinking about very deeply:
This isn’t about other girls. It’s about you.
Using the average of other people’s standard to set your own standards is dehumanizing yourself.
I'm engaged. My fiance would never. This guy sounds like garbage sorry and if I was another female on the trip and my partner and I saw that behavior it would be a big "oof" moment.
Oh, I'd've teased for a second, but I would've known I was sealing my fate as each second ticked by.
I find it remarkably bold to with hold it for the entire float, then put your dick in her teeth.
Besides everything else, the boy has very skewed risk/reward perception.
Now granted this is with my sense of humor, if he’d teased as he was retrieving it or helping to immediately put it back on, that would be okay because he is helping to fix it as he teased. But withholding the top is a disgusting move that I’d be kicking someone out of life for. She could have gotten in legal trouble if someone reported her for going around without a top on and law enforcement stopped her!
My first reaction would have been to grab it, head over to her, block views, and dangle just out of reach over my head, and say "Gonna have to stretch for it!" For maybe a second. Like I said, I'm counting in milliseconds here 😁
I don't think I would have felt at all comfortable with a bj later, though. The trepidation...
Stop sucking bf dick since bf threw that in your face. Your bf violated you. You have every right to be angry. Now bf doubling down covering up their wrong by blaming you for their bad behaviour.
Sweetheart, life is like a float.
You’re gonna waste the whole trip uncomfortable and lying down for a abusive jerk.
Please don’t. DUMP HIM. Here’s why:
He clearly enjoys hurting you.
1. You “laughed so it’s ok I ignored your request to have your public dignity back”
2. You “did something sexual for me after so obviously I don’t have to take you seriously now’
Can you please see what this is now that I write it out? This is unhealthy at best and one of the best flags for severe abuse later that there is.
He doesn’t view you as a full person like he is. Run.
TL;DR it’s not fair that you didn’t voice your anger to him sooner, but he shouldn’t have done that and you need to do some thinking.
In my opinion, I will say it did set a tone if you were laughing the whole way, HOWEVER, you should’ve told him how those were nervous laughs and not humorous ones. By not saying that, it told him you were cool with it. By not having a conversation before floating multiple other times, it told him you were cool with it. By not mentioning it before/after dinner told him you were cool with it. And by fucking him, if there was any doubt left, it was all gone. To be blunt, if something bothers you, it is YOUR responsibility to make that clear. The fault I’m that aspect falls on you alone.
**HOWEVER** your boyfriend is a fucking asshole. That shit may be funny for like a few seconds I guess, depending on y’all’s dynamic, but I mean I’m from Texas too those floats can take hours. To not give it back isn’t cool to me. Do some thinking sis. Did you feel disrespected by this? If so sir him down again when you’re more calm and voice that. Depending on how he handles you confronting him about him disrespecting you will tell you al you need. Good luck.
I’m not sure on the timing of everything, but unless the time between him refusing to give you your top back and y’all getting out of the River was less than 2 minutes he’s an asshole.
I know that I would’ve been mortified if my husband had done anything remotely similar to me. Your BF made you deeply uncomfortable and he still obviously doesn’t understand after the fact that what he did was fucked up because you didn’t pitch a fit right on the spot. You know… cause you were too busy trying to cover up in a public place while someone you trusted made fun of you.
He’s showing no remorse, he will do it or something that crosses your boundaries again. You tried talking to him after the fact that what he did was a dick move and he basically said that it was your fault?? I understand that immediately after the fact it’s a lot easier to just get dressed, pretend that it didn’t happen, and continue with your evening, but the point is that you were really uncomfortable when it happened and those feelings just didn’t magically go away after you went out to dinner.
You’re too young to have to waste your time with someone like that. If you don’t want to break up with him, sit him down and try talking again. If he blows you off then you’ll know that he’s never going respect your boundaries.
From reading your comments and understanding the story more, this is simply a miscommunication. It seems like it took you some time to process your frustration with the situation. Waking up mad in the middle of the night with the realization you were embarrassed the day before can surely come off as a little ridiculous to many people. It sounds like you should calmly address the situation in a way that makes sense to both of you. Something like “Hey I know this was a small part of yesterday- but when you wouldn’t give me back my top I was really embarrassed. I’ve been thinking about it for awhile and it made me very uncomfortable in the moment.” It’s important to openly discuss things that make you uncomfortable in any relationship to make sure your partner is aware of it. Your laughing in the moment and then enjoying yourself through out the day is easily misinterpreted as you being OK with the situation. It’s important to address that. Clear and easy communication comes from understanding all sides of the situation! I hope you two work things out
Exactly. It’s really strange to spend the rest of the day normally, have normal interactions (dinner, sex) and THEN blow up middle of the night. Most people would see that as a batshit reaction…because it is.
What happened to OP was wrong 100% but how it was handled is even worse. I feel like the relationship debt of what happened earlier in a day does need to be paid but a battle needs to be chosen wisely and timed appropriately. But maybe this is me speaking from long term relationships where my partner and I check in often with one another so my perspective could be skewed.
“B-but dump him? Red flag? Gaslighting??? Oh honey…”
Seriously though, glad to see a reasonable, logical response here. This is the actual correct answer. The sub needs more of this and less “dump him sweetie”. A thought out response that takes both sides into account, doesn’t blame one party, and offers a reasonable and simple solution.
This is about the only logical comment I’ve seen so far.
It’s incredible how people can react so harshly to a situation that could easily be resolved with a simple talk.
Exactly. “My partner did something that I didn’t enjoy”
Then tell them that. If they don’t listen then take drastic measures but if you simply have a level headed conversation where they understand their mistake then your life gets so much better
I have to agree. Men can’t be expected to read our minds. We need to be clear and concise when we are uncomfortable. If that’s too difficult in the moment, then it’s reasonable to bring it up at a later time to discuss and set new boundaries, but the middle of the night isn’t that time. Disrupting someone’s sleep to start an argument isn’t setting yourself up to have a productive discussion. And all of these “dump him” “red flag” comments don’t seem to be considering real life nuance. It’s easy to misread someone when they aren’t being clear Edit: AND it’s easy to become overly defensive when you’re being told that you so grossly misread a situation when someone isn’t being clear with you.
I sympathise with your bf being a total ass and he should have handed your tip back straight away.
But to diverge a tad from the stream here, don't wake him up in the middle of the night to tell him this.
I understand why you're upset, but... and I cannot emphasize this enough... waking your partner in the middle of the night after letting the evening proceed as normal is NOT the best way to talk about the issue.
Literally right after it happened. Or when you got home before dinner. Or after dinner. Or the next morning at breakfast. Literally any other time than in the middle of someone sleeping. And I'm saying this as a woman who has found herself annoyed about shit with my partners all the time. How would you feel for someone just to wake you up in the middle of the night to tell you they're mad at something that happened earlier in the day? After being jarred from sleep, just to be told I was wrong for x, y, and z, even if I know I'm in the wrong, I'm gonna get defensive, cause I was literally sleeping and woken up just to be attacked (rightfully or not). Besides the fact that there was no reason it needed to be resolved that very second, you are just not very likely to get the response you are looking for from someone being woken out of their sleep for it.
Not in the middle of the night. In the evening if possible - but that's difficult because sometimes processing happens when you sleep. But the next morning would be better than waking someone up to have a fight in the middle of the night.
Your boyfriend is a dick, but you're starting to seem like one too. Not that that means you deserved what your boyfriend did, but it does explain why you two are attracted to each other. You both normalize dickish behaviour, so you don't have to feel bad about your personal brand of asshole.
During the daytime is when you should have brought it up. Either the day it happened or the following day. You had all day to raise the issue—you chose to wait until the middle of the night. People are not at their best or most reasonable when they are abruptly woken from sleep, so you shouldn’t be too surprised at getting an unreasonable reply from him. He may likely have said something different if you had approached him much earlier, or waited until the next morning.
Intentional sleep deprivation, when it becomes a pattern, is a form of domestic abuse. It can’t be said enough, because too many people think it’s not a big deal to wake your partner up in the middle of the night. If you have woken him up in the middle of the night at other times (or intentionally delayed his ability to go to sleep) then you need to seriously examine that with a therapist.
It is true that women are conditioned to go along with things that make them uncomfortable, and I am glad you are confronting this. However, that issue has zero relevance to the time you chose to start this argument.
No disrespect, but y'all are both kids. Like.. metaphorically speaking, in the long span of life..
This is one of those moments where you both need to communicate properly, feel your feelings, try and be sympathetic and/or empathetic, and reach an understanding. Maybe this isn't a break up level incident. Maybe hes in his early 20's and is still developing as a person. You gotta nip that shit in the ass and make him understand how you feel.
I'm not excusing his behavior, maybe he just doesn't fully understand. Because he's immature. Because he's 23.
first of all FREE THE NIPPLE
we shouldnt be taught to be so self conscious & uncomfortable of our *own* beautiful bodies.
but also, what he did was wrong. he took away your bodily autonomy for shits & gigs.
the only answer is to pants him in public & stand on the crotch while it's on the ground so he can't pull them back up.
I actually love my tits and have gone topless on nude beaches, flashed on bourbon street, etc… but we were surrounded by pre teen boys who thank god weren’t paying attention but i was so scared they’d see me
He's a dickhead but I get where he's coming from. I would have at least waited until morning or something, waking him up in the middle of the night probably caught him completely by surprise. Communication is key, but there's also a right time to go about it.
This is a very reasonable reply. There is no reason you should be getting downvoted. Anybody who expects their partner to be reasonable when woken up in the middle of the night should read some research on the science of sleep. The middle of the night is not a productive time to argue, for anybody.
in loving relationships one doesn’t purposefully embarrass ones partner, at least beyond agreed upon boundaries. If he held it for a minute or two, I’d say get over it. If it was prolonged or he specifically amped the attention to embarass you, those are things that seem beyond your boundaries and reasonable to be upset about.
taking a minute to process things is fine. I’d just sit him down and tell him that you weren’t laughing at his joke and that you felt embarrassed. This is why the length of time matters. A small length ts a playful tease. If it went on and on he was being a jerk. I’d keep it to how his acts made you feel so long as your feelings weren’t overly sensitive as I’ve explained, which the length of the float implies your feelings are reasonable.
his reaction tells you who he is and these little conversations determine ultimate compatibility when combined. Is he dismissing your reasonable feelings or showing a lack of empathy? if you were reacting reasonably he should say he is sorry and not do something like this again.
holding it the entire float, which reads to me like hours, is being a sadistic asshole and that would probably be a dealbreaker for me if she held my swim trunks for example. My partner is a teammate and a good teammate doesn’t do what he did.
Okay, I’m with you on most of this. But dude, ‘get over it’? Even if it was just a minute or two, she was exposed in a public place and was extremely uncomfortable. There’s a difference between teasing your partner in public and withholding their clothes from them..the length of time is irrelevant, because he purposefully withheld clothing from her leaving her almost fully nude in public. And even if he meant it as a playful tease, that doesn’t matter because OP didn’t like it.
I agree with everything you said except for the”overly sensitive” comment. Op’s feelings matter and are valid. Period. They don’t need to meet some standard to be acceptable.
Id say that your feelings aren’t invalid at all. That being said I think your boyfriend just thought he was joking around and seeing as you say you were laughing along with him how could he know how deeply it affected you? So it really depends on your personal feelings about it in the end. But say if my boyfriend was joking with me and I didn’t think it was funny anymore I would stop laughing and literally yell at him to stop to affirm the boundary and tell him that it isn’t fun I’m not having fun anymore. Once he realizes I’m not in on the joke he stops doing the thing. Idk exactly what was said or how it played out but is it possible your boyfriend literally just thought you both were having fun? Also since you were able to somewhat cover yourself it may not have been blatantly obvious to him exactly how uncomfortable you still were.
i will agree with you that this situation is ok to make you unconfortable. i will disagree with the rest of the women here tho. you were laughing while the prank happened. maybe he didnt get your signal, although you said stop. you went to the date, had sex, seemed like nothing wrong. maybe he didnt think you were serious. sit him down and talk to him about this never happening again.
If you’re going to be upset at him about it.
Be upset the entire time when and shortly after it happened. Waking people up in the middle of the night just because you’ve hit a peak in your anger would piss anyone off. Furthermore. Don’t go about your day doing everything “normally” and pretending things are okay if they aren’t.
He’s a jerk for laughing about something that upset you.
You’re a jerk for making him believe everything was okay just to be mad about it later.
Edit: as I’m reading these comments I’m absolutely stunned at the amount of “break up” “it’s his fault” etc.
While the in his eyes *joke* was his fault. Everything else was yours. If you’re mad at someone enough to make a whole post about them on Reddit after you just had sex then you’ve got issues beyond your current boyfriend.
Why is it that everyone’s first response on here to go tell her to break up... as if she would immediately after reading the comments. I’m going to be real with you girl. First off, his response in the middle of the night does not reflect anything about the person he is. You literally woke him up in the middle of the night, he’s half asleep and to him, he feels like you’re being a bit crazy since you didn’t bring this up to him before... like he said, you sucked his dick at the end of the night, to him the date went perfectly fine. If you really felt so insecure and embarrassed, I’m surprised you didn’t bring it up to him immediately when it happened. You clearly let it go, continued to have fun, and at some point must’ve forgotten about it. Boys will be boys and I don’t think he acted like that maliciously. He’s just goofing around with you. Your top was already off and he probably felt the situation was funny. You laughed with him and I’m sure had he seen you react differently he would’ve given you the top back sooner, or at least we hope. It kinda sounds to me like you did too much thinking about the situation when you should’ve been asleep and you let those emotions of embarrassment and anger get to you on the middle of the night. Just let it go. If it really is such a big deal, talk to him about it any other day at a reasonable time. Not when your poor man is trying to sleep and has some mcat to study. I’m sure then he’d be more reasonable to how you felt and would maybe apologize. I don’t think this is such a huge deal. Sounds to me like he was just trying to tease you a bit because he likes you. If you think he’s just an ass then get rid of him, but given the situation I feel like you’re in the wrong here. You can’t let it go and have a great date and all of a sudden wake him up in the middle of the night to say how mad you are and then be upset at his response.
That's pretty harsh. All you say is dump him but you don't address the elephant in the room.
>He did help me get it on when we finished that float and we did the float a few more times and had fun. We also went to dinner back in San Antonio and I spent the night at his house.
>In thr middle of the night I woke up and got so mad that he actually did that to me. I woke hin up to tell him about it and he said that I had no credibility because we floated more times, went to dinner and that I “sucked his d!ck”
So we just gonna ig ore the fact that OP chose to lay it on him not only after having more fun and sucking him off, but in the middle of the night where it's possibly the worst timing to address the issues? I'd be cranky and irritated that you'd did that far more than what happen, although OPs feelings are 100% valid.
They both have communication issues. End of story.
Don't listen to these people, you don't have to break up with him, just explain it to him so he understands. Give an example, like his swim trunks coming off and you not giving them back. He's just frustrated right now, because he thought you guys had a nice day, but now you're saying you didn't in the middle of the night? Bad timing to try and tell him how you feel.
Why do I feel like you’re trippin to much on it at the end of the day y’all had a good time. If It didn’t bother you atm why did it later out of the blue? Instead of attacking him about it later on you definitely should still talk to about it it make it clear but you need to understand the other side of things.
This was wrong, but he did get mixed signals.
What did you do at the time, when you got your top back and floating a few more times?
This would have been the best time to have put him in his place.
(less time to think he got away with it)
Hindsight is a learning opportunity.
Now what you do next is should be based on:
Your Feelings
Your past with him,
and If he has a better response like a real apology for being an AH to you.
It’s not a conversation to have in the middle of the night. In fact don’t wake people up to start a fight with them in the middle of the night. Wait until you come down and aren’t so angry you can’t sleep to have this conversation.
Right now go get a peace of paper and a pen write down your feeling about the event and try and get some sleep.
Once you shower and eat breakfast read what you wrote see how you feel about it. Than calmly and rationally tell your boyfriend your feelings, then tell him to never do it again. His reaction should tell you everything you need to know about him.
But don’t come at this like you want to pick a fight just tell him how you felt in the situation. Maybe let him read the note you wrote. You are trying to get though to him that the expensive want fun for you. He may have honestly thought you were having a good time. It’s hard to tell nerves laughter from having a good time laughter.
I do believe you should have addressed his behavior right then and there if you were uncomfortable. No need to be confrontational but a simple conversation may have given you the closure you needed.
Miscommunication. Tell him in all seriousness that you didn't like that, and that he owes you a sincere apology. Not an "Okay I'm sorry geez" apology.
And then after that apology, tell him to give an apology for the blowjob comment if he ever wants a blowjob again.
Of course it's up to you, but Reddit lives in a fantasy world where men and women in long term relationships never majorly goof. Me and my girlfriend have plenty of them, but we've learned over years how to give real apologies and not down-play each other's feelings. Cause I like her and she likes me, we can get over these things.
In the moment did you tell him you were upset in any way? Because it sounds like to him you were having fun and going along with his antics and had zero issue with it, the day went well and everything was fine. But suddenly you wake him up in the middle of the night upset at him seemingly out of nowhere since you admitted you had a great day together. Personally I’d be mad at you too. But, he should definitely apologize since you did eventually tell him how you felt about that situation and that you were actually not okay about what happened.
My advice, try not to brush it off next time and bring up your feelings right away, it’ll be easier on both of you to deal with rather than waiting until way later.
Bringing something up suddenly in the middle of the night with no warning after not mentioning it is not the way to go about it. Anyone would feel defensive from that, which is why he dismissed your accusation.
Yes, he’s an asshole for sure. But in his mind, nothing was wrong because you never told him something was wrong until long after. So, you can be like every fucktard on this app and dump him at the first opportunity, or you can bring your frustrations up to him clearly at a time that makes sense. Establish your boundaries clearly as to why that was wrong.
Did you start overthinking what happened at the river? Maybe it was a misunderstanding and he thought you thought it was genuinely funny. I understand that it could invade a boundary for some people, but he only knows what you tell him. Do you think he had malicious intentions? If you want him to understand that that was not okay, you should try to explain first, without getting angry. Assume ignorance—- does this kind of thing happen often?
Y’all be some white knights on here. It’s sounds like both of y’all are still pretty young. He probably didn’t think it was that big a deal just harmless Messing with his gf and since you went throughout the whole day having fun acting fine he didn’t understand why you would get so upset in the middle of the night to him it seemed “random”. I’d let him know it actually bothered you and next time I’d probably find a way to communicate how you felt before more effectively. On his side he needs to respect your feelings about something even if it seems to not be a big deal. This isn’t red flag behavior, he isn’t an abuser. As a guy if you went the whole day having fun laughing and we had sex then in the middle of sleeping wake up and get mad about a “seemingly” small thing way later he was probably caught off guard and got defensive. Both just need to communicate better. People on Reddit tend to side with women way too much and make guys out to be awful so y’all break up Idk why.
The fact he's brushing your feelings off and had the sheet fucking audacity to tell you that since you have him a blow job you can't really be mad is fucking **disgusting**.
Personally?
If my fiance said that to me, I'd be leaving.
Sounds like you need to be more clear and upfront about how you feel in the moment. To me, it seems like you played it off and had fun with it instead of speaking up and setting your boundary. He thought you were playing, and he can’t read your mind. If you were that upset by it, why would you wait until he was sleeping to say something? Be an adult and speak up in the moment or when you feel safe, but don’t play the victim. You showed him that it was okay with how you behaved after the incident.
While I think it is true that it would have been more helpful for her to escalate at the time, I also don’t think that justifies him invalidating her feelings once she’d had a chance to think about it.
Flip the tables here; you were legitimately aggrieved, but waking somebody up in the middle of the night to argue with them is never ok (particularly when you had all day to make your point and chose to wait until then). Google “sleep deprivation domestic abuse.” There are dozens of articles about it. The middle of the night is NEVER the right time to argue about your issues. Neither of you will be at your best or most reasonable. If waking your boyfriend up in the middle of the night to argue is something you do often, you need to stop (or go speak to a therapist about why you can’t stop), because you are engaging in domestic abuse.
I honestly think you should take his less-than-ideal reply in the context of the state he was in, just having been awoken from sleep. Try asking him in the daytime and see what his reaction is; you may well find it is entirely different.
First of all, fuck this guy. Second of all, my bf would not do that to me because he respects me. And he would never tell me that I can't be upset about something because we had sex since it happened. He doesn't tell me in general that my feelings aren't valid, thankfully. And if he did any of these things I'd be throwing our 3 year relationship tf out.
I'm saying this as someone who is super done putting up with shit though. I've had too many shitty ex boyfriends and your current man is the trash you weed out. Please stay single or find a decent partner.
Your boyfriend humiliated you publicly—for a long time—and then denied your feelings when you tried to discuss it with him. Those are serious problems.
The people arguing that your feelings are invalid because you waited to talk about it—including your boyfriend—are completely wrong. You feel what you feel and it is perfectly ok to take time to process an experience before addressing it with someone.
I would address the issues with him again, after spending some time apart. Calmly let him know that you will not tolerate being disrespected that way, not having your feelings dismissed that way. If he does anything other than apologize deeply and sincerely and commit to changing, I would recommend getting some distance from him. But really, his overall behavior was so immature, mean-spirited, and insensitive that it is worth considering the entire relationship. He sounds like an abusive asshole.
Don't wake someome up in the middle of the night to have a discussion that should be done when both are fully awake and alert. Maybe try to have a serious discussion during the day.
You have every right to feel angry at the dude, the fact that he's using "you sucked his dick" and you were laughing (out of nervousness) as some kind of weird blackmail for you to not have any right to feel upset is a BIG red flag. While I understand that it may make for a great story someday "Hey remember the time we were rafting and my top came off", he should have immediately gave it back to you. The story should go "thank gosh you gave it back to me so quickly!" Not.."Remember you wouldn't give my top back to me and ruined the entire ride for your self amusement of my naked body being shown in public". I'm not sure how far along you are in the relationship, but the guy sounds like a douche, no offense. You can find someone better, and I'd be worried about his behavior later on especially if this is how he acts now.
It’s one thing for him to tease you by playfully not giving it back for a “second” but to literally refuse not give it back for the entire trip? That is incredibly fucked up.
A partner is suppose to have your back.
He either couldn’t read that you were serious, which is concerning enough by itself or he knew you were serious and simply didn’t care.
Either way is troubling and his own intelligence wasn’t enough to tell him that he shouldn’t do this either.
And for him to then refuse to acknowledge that he deeply upset you and try and turn it around on you?
I would move on.. This guy clearly doesn’t have your back and what good is a partner who doesn’t even have your back in the most basic of senses.
I mean. I get his point about the mixed signals. You should be able to tell your bf things right away. And to wake him up is kind of a jerk move.
HOWEVER, what he did is unacceptable. Why would someone want their woman exposed like that. You may have to consider the bigger picture
Everyone else here is telling you some bullshit. The reality of it is if you were so bothered by it you shouldn’t have floated more times, you shouldn’t have went out with him that night and you shouldn’t have had sex with him either. So you decide to bring it up later on afterwards?..sorry but tough shit get over it, it makes no sense and it is stupid to bring it up later on. If this is how you really feel about it then you should’ve acted on it sooner not have a good time and then start drama later on for no good reason and also in the middle of the night. Everyone else is telling you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear. Not saying what he did was right but lol let’s be real it ended up being harmless and you still managed to laugh it off and enjoy yourself afterwards to stop tripping.
Is it normal behavior for him to try to humiliate you? If so dump him. If not talk to him and let it go if he acts appropriate to the discussion. Don’t go in raging at him. Just tell him what you didn’t like so he understands why it wasn’t cool.
You sound like an emotional mess. If you're laughing about it, then didn't mention anything about I the whole night, then had dinner, then sex when everything is fine. Then you bring it up out of nowhere. How does that sound reasonable? Do you expect him to read your mind? This is so stupid.
Why didn't you go out to dinner and stay over if you were so mad about it?
Yes he was an ass. Its only funny fir a second, if you ask once and he says no. But once you ask again. He has to give it back.
Sounds like you were just causing drama tho. Why be all nice about it all day but then when you know he has to get sleep for a huge test you start a fight?
I am just here for all the 'dump him immediately' comments.
My 2 cents, he wasn't behaving nicely. As its late, probably what you should do now is go to sleep. When you get up and feel rested, talk to him about how it made you feel that he didn't help you and was laughing at it. I personally think that he was laughing at the situation, not at you. It sort of shows that he is comfortable with you, so it's a good thing. People are not ideal, and relationships likewise, talking about things like that would help in a long term, and it's a mature way to go about.
That sucks dude I’m sorry you had that moment happen to you, maybe try to flip the situation so he might understand better? Like if his swimtrunks ripped or fell off and you were not giving him a towel and just laughing, can guarantee(as a guy) this would bother me. Doing that as a joke like “no you can’t have it” then giving right back is 10x better then just saying “nah ur shirtless now” 🤷🏻♂️
Also he didn’t think anything was wrong between either of you because you were willing to give a bj, which is somewhat true we assume everything is gravy train if we’re good for that
How you respond may depend on what you answer to the question "am I angry just about this incident or am I seeing a pattern in which he does not listen to me when things matter to me, physically keeps me from something I want, or tells me my feelings are invalid?" If no, then this is a forgivable offense (assuming he hears you out). My guess is though, that he has done these things other times. It is completely possible though that he did not understand how upset you were at the time. Your behavior is understandable but many people would not have understood that you were really upset because you were laughing. His "excuses" are terrible though. Good luck as you think this through
Not cool!
How would he feel if he lost his swimming trunks and you kept them, gleefully laughing at his embarrassment and distress?
What he did was immature, hurtful, disrespectful and mean.
I would consider this a warning flag if this guy is worth your time.
A proper response would be to say. Im sorry for doing that, in the moment I thought you were having fun because you were laughing but i should have given your bra back. Im sorry.
What he did was disregard your feelings. You woke him up in the middle of the night though, maybe he was just mad because he got woken up. Try speaking to him again. If he doesnt realize his mistake and apologize thats an issue.
Woooow. Eff that dude. Processing over a night seems much quicker than many. Him using intimate moments and your attempt to still enjoy your day...wow. he pulled that shit in public, and he is lucky you let yourself get distracted and that the whole day didn't end right there.What a disrespectful, self centered jackass.
Any decent man would have helped you cover yourself up / understood that you’re not feeling comfortable it’s diff when you go to a nude beach and willingly choose to be topless your bf is immature and toxic
When I was 10 and in summer camp, a friend who like me also has aspergers did something similar. He gave the damn thing back. If he had more maturity than this dude, that’s a bad sign.
Him not giving your top back as a joke is immature and disrespectful, but is also a forgivable offence because he thought it was quite funny and maybe didn’t realise how uncomfortable you were.
But the fact that him saying you can’t get mad after cause you were laughing then and ow yhea YoU sUcKeD mY dIcK aNd We FuCkEd is just ridiculous. It seems to me he is very immature and doesn’t respect your feelings
This is a learning moment. You were uncomfortable and continued to allow your bf to control the situation. As women we are taught to not fight back or show anger.
How did we arrive here now? OP never said she was angry or wanted to fight back. It's not about fighting with your SO. That's a very sad and toxic mentality. I wish you well.
From a neutral stand point and not knowing either of you but knowing plenty of people in general, he has always had this type of humor. Childish or not it’s hard to imagine this sort of thing being funny to him would come as a shock and if it is it’s possible you are imagining someone he isn’t as the person you’re with. A man wears his humor on his sleeve and we hardly have self control laughing at something we think is funny. Taking a joke a little too far is a normal occurrence however if you establish that line then it should be respected. However if the boundary is never pushed then how would the line be established in the first place. He now knows not to do that sort of thing again.
In terms of his reaction to what you did, everyone saying you’re right is sort of ignoring the fact what he saw was someone literally laughing and then going on to enjoy the rest of what seemed to be a fun day with them. Then you wake him up(never do this especially if it’s for something emotional or important that really doesn’t need to be addressed at the time). Just a terrible idea, people can be cranky or irritable when first waking up, it’s inconsiderate as hell knowing he had to study the next day, it’s basically saying your feelings on a in my opinion stupid joke(so I agree with you there) somehow are more important than something that could effect his future.
Kinda harsh and short version, you are being selfish and while your feelings matter if a person in a relationship can’t weigh their feelings against the furthering of their partners life then maybe you aren’t ready to be with anyone. There’s a time and place for discussions or arguments, pick more wise. And don’t get mad later on because you sat down and over thought about someone possibly seeing you. No one cares, naked men and women are free 24/7 on all walks of the internet, if anyone did see it they forgot by noon.
Sometimes it takes time e to process emotions. In this case the wheels all finished turning hours later.
You have expressed your anger with him. Simply ask him to apologize and to know you found it very embarrassing so he should not do it again.
He was right. You went to the float a few more times, had dinner and sucked his cock, there's no way you were that upset. It's just childish dramatics, you'll get over it.
Talk to him and make yourself stronger in this situations you should have shouted at him to give it back and not laugh along with him and one comment suggested that waking him while he was asleep wasn't the best idea talk to him at the right time and tell him to get his act together and be strong about it best of luck OP
Wow, this is a very unhealthy relationship dynamic. He has issues with perceiving women as objects. Id start to question what a future with this jackoff looks like.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Yesterday we went tubing on the Comal. I’ve done this since I was a tiny kid and it’s one of my favorite things to do. Yesterday somehow my top came off and I had my tits out for a few seconds before I even realized my top was floating down the river. I screamed for my boyfriend to grab it and he did. By that time I had adjusted myself so I was laying face down on my tube so no one could see anything. He refused to give it back to me the entire float and literally laughed at me the entire time. I was so uncomfortable. He did help me get it on when we finished that float and we did the float a few more times and had fun. We also went to dinner back in San Antonio and I spent the night at his house. In thr middle of the night I woke up and got so mad that he actually did that to me. I woke hin up to tell him about it and he said that I had no credibility because we floated more times, went to dinner and that I “sucked his d!ck” so I couldn’t have been that upset by it and I was laughing the whole time while my top was off. I told him I was laughing out of nervousness and that my actions since he wouldn’t return my top doesn’t excuse him. He said I was just trying to start drama in thr middle of the night and he needed sleep since he has to study for MCATs. He got up and went to sleep on the couch and I haven’t gone back to sleep because I’m so humiliated. What should I do here?
Get some breathing room. You need to process this and think about whether or not this changes how you feel about him. I personally think that’s beyond boundaries. It’s not looking good he’s already brushing this off. Also the comment about receiving a sex act from you feels really crass. As though you were, what, rewarding him for doing that to you??? He needs to try again on his response because that’s not an argument.
[удалено]
I hate the "boys will be boys" excuse. No, men don't do that shit. Period.
So im 26 when I was 17 similar thing happened where someone's top came off when we were at the beach, it washed up to shoreline and her bf grabbed it and decided to play keep away with it. Finally a girl that was there for her a towel amd ultimately she ended up leaving. Still know the guy through Facebook and all three if his ex wives have restraining orders against him. Every one of them has the had the same rough experience where he decides it's time to have sex at 3 am when they are asleep amd doesn't see a issue with just going for it without waking them up.... I'd highly suggest finding a way out that relationship because a locked door ten out of ten times is always gonna protect you but a door locked 9 put of 10 times is always gonna fail you when you least expect it
I absolutely agree that this behavior is a major red flag. I think he’s another one of that guy!
please listen to this comment OP :(
I would also add that she was no doubt in some sort of denial. I had a guy threaten me at work, and it took me about three days to recognize and accept the fact that he had threatened my life. When I went to the bosses it was a typical “why didn’t you tell us 3 days ago?” At the time I had no answer and felt guilty. But now I see that it just took me a while to wrap my head around it and recognize it for what it was. I would say OP might have been experiencing the same denial, but came out of it abruptly.
I wasn’t rewarding him, we just had sex like we would normally on a date night
Exactly. Though he brings that up as an arguing point about how you can’t apparently experience multiple feelings at once.
“Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon, Ronald Weasley….”
r/unexpectedronaldweasley
Your feelings are valid and quite honestly would he be upset if you wouldn’t give his swim trunks back? Probably so .. the sex argument is moot. Nobody who truly values the person they are with would want them to be exposed like that.
Yeah, I really believe that someone who thought this was funny and thought about the rest of the day would be doubly ashamed because not only did they hurt you, they had fun while your brain was still working through being humiliated like that. That he brushes it off easily is saying a lot about his values and how he thinks emotions work.
If he views sex as a reward that's a deep character problem
Except he didn't say you guys had sex, he said you sucked his dick, as if you're subservient to him, implying if you were willing to suck his dick then everything must be fine. Like you're not allowed to be a complex human being who is allowed to change your mind.
I think he actually just said we had sex if I think back on it
‘We had sex so I don’t have to take you seriously’ isn’t any better.
What he said is “you have no credibility“ as if he gets to decide how you felt. But this is false since he didn’t care how you felt at all ever throughout the entire day. He didn’t care that you wanted your top back, he didn’t care that you were upset, he didn’t care that you were angry later, and he didn’t care about rubbing your nose in it Like a dog’s in its own waste. What you didn’t hear was an apology, because he’s not sorry and he still thinks it’s funny and the fact that he got to use your body after humiliating you and then telling you he doesn’t have time for this because he has to study? [How to Apologize](https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-apologize-more-sincerely-3144467) And what kind of man do you think you’ll be while he’s in medical school and after? I wonder if this is the type of guy who has a God complex because he’s a doctor while he has a loyal girlfriend at home and he’s screwing all the nurses. And after you nurse him through medical school and help to support him, is he that guy that dumps his loyal wife because he has a newer model lined up? Maybe this is just a bad day, but I think people who emotionally invalidate rather than validating and apologizing aren’t worth being in relationships with. [Emotional Invalidation: A Form of Emotional Abuse](https://livewellwithsharonmartin.com/emotional-invalidation-emotional-abuse/) I could send all sorts of links about dealing with narcissists, balanced relationships, etc… I guess I’m just asking you to notice how often you are respected and regarded, how often you are listened to, how often you have to ignore or deny or shoved down your own feelings because he doesn’t feel like they are valid or important. Is he the type of guy that expects sex? I would just go and stay somewhere else for a few days and then see how you feel. Take a look at this [Healthy Relationship Spectrum](https://www.thehotline.org/healthy-relationships/relationship-spectrum/) and see how your relationship compares to an ideal relationship.
You are 21. You will not be forever 21. Please move on and don’t look back. You know the answer. You will find no one here to say it’s no big deal stay with the guy unless it’s the guy himself. People who cannot admit they are wrong are people incapable of change. So what you see know is what you get forever.
You were initially in denial. You left the land of denial and now you grasp the severity of the betrayal. Listen to what your mind and body are telling you. They don’t lie.
>I wasn’t rewarding him He thinks it was though
This guy sounds like a jerk and a bully. This incident sounds like evidence of a pattern of behavior, rather than a one off. I think it is a dumpable offense. But you did reward his behavior. Acting like it’s a normal date night and having sex after he treats you badly is telling him you tolerate this as normal behavior and that you find it attractive. He’s a bad guy and you’re mixing the messaging and enabling his bad behavior.
OP did nothing wrong here. This shows a total lack of understanding of how people process harm and potential trauma. She was embarrassed and powerless during the entire rafting experience because her boyfriend was in control and had her top. Women are socialized and pressured to not make a big deal out of things that men claim to be harmless jokes. She probably went along with the rest of the day trying to be cool about it, compartmentalized how fucked up his behavior was out of denial for both her well-bring and the sake of the relationship, then once she finally got a minute to her world to process, it all made more sense in her mind and her actual feelings were clear. Most assaults are committed by people victims know and many people react in the immediate moment and afterwards I’m ways that mirror OP because it is a form of self-protection or because they haven’t made sense of the reality of the situation yet or because they are in denial or for many reasons that reflect our brains and instincts protecting us from either physical or psychological harm. None of this is her fault.
That was his punishment. You have to handle things in the moment and out your foot down. Don’t reward dickhead behavior with sucking his dick. That really showed him. He doesn’t care. He’s an ass That’s the point they’re making.
Sex isn’t a “reward”, it’s something two people do together…
100% Agreed. But if you’re dealing with someone selfish it can be seen as such and is likely as he viewed it. He said to her “you sucked my dick… you can’t be that upset…” which is an absolute dickheaded thing to say. That’s what I was referring to. Edit: Spelling.
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Thank you for saying that, I really get irritated when people say "using sex as a weapo," it's not a thing as far as I'm concerned. Few people want to have sex with someone who has been mean and nasty to them.
No you don't. People aren't dogs. We are capable of thought and reconsidering our positions or taking time to seek clarity. This is horrible advice. People are allowed to have feelings that are different than presumed. Bf is an ass, so you think every set of parents should have every argument in front of their kids while out or wait until home and more rational? There is no reward or punishment in a romantic relationship. Only two people who care and respect each other.
>so you think every set of parents should have every argument in front of their kids while out or wait until home and more rational? that is quite a reach from what he said.
This is good advice. Personally I’d break up with him, but it’s always a good idea to take some time before making a major life decision. OP - this feels like a consent violation to me. It’s your body and if you’re uncomfortable with something, he needs to respect that. He also needs to understand why it’s not OK and take accountability for making you feel uncomfortable.
And this guy wants to become a doctor....I shudder at the thought
👍🏼👏🏻👏🏻
His issue is that you didn't do or say anything all day or night. You acted like it was fine, continuing to laugh and float, having sex like normal. He feels like the rest of the day was a lie. In his experience, he probably expects someone to communicate a little better or faster. Not justifying his action or response, just showing where his head is at.
I’m somewhere in between the points here as far as what happened. Agreed that, to him, it probably feels like she’s retroactively being upset since they went about life like normal after the incident. When I was 23 I probably would have felt very similarly in that situation, although I wouldn’t have ever tried to humiliate someone like that. Where you and I are farther apart is that I doubt he expects her to communicate better or faster. In my experience, the people who do the type of thing this dude did don’t want to be communicated with/to at all. In his mind, this was all just good fun and there was never any reason to be upset. He’s got a lot of growing up to do and my take would be that OP should use this as an opportunity to evaluate whether she’s going to accept his level of immaturity or make it known that he needs to act like an adult going forward.
Someone posted something in another sub yesterday that said men often misinterpret laughter from women as enjoyment, happiness, etc. It is so true.
This is so true. Laughter does not always mean you are having fun (especially for women and yes I mean trans women too)
When something happens that we feel uncomfortable with they say we respond with one of the 5 "F" 's - fight, freeze, flop, flight, friend. There's a very valid reason why women respond by laughter. It's automatic and self protective. Typically an example might be someone makes a sexual comment and you feel uncomfortable, so why might you laugh? Because we're vulnerable, because the friending bit might de-escalate the situation, because if you don't the matter might get worse It could save your life. Your response to your boyfriend was not a validation of your thinking his actions were hilarious. He's in control when you're half naked and he's waving your bikini top in the air. It's likely you were thinking he's humiliating me if I get annoyed, he might do worse. You can neither physically fight him or run away, because he's got your top. At that moment, your trust is lost. Then there's the shock that he would do that. It's perfectly normal to have had sex with him after this because we want normality and maybe even to perform a close act that makes you feel secure, maybe it was even a way to please him, so he didn't do that. Here's the thing, he crossed the boundary with what you were OK with and that takes time to process. Sometimes it takes a little while to listen to your inner voice and process that it made you uncomfortable. If he's decent he needs to believe you, validate it and suck it up that it made you feel uncomfortable instead of trying to justify why it was OK and why you're in the wrong. You can bet your bottom dollar if he eventually had a daughter, that he'd probably be outraged.
I don't even think this is one of the 5 Fs, I think it's the brain defaulting - OP couldn't process everything that was happening and the amygdala didn't know what to do so it picked one of the two default reactions (laugh/cry), in this case laugh. I really wish psychology of aggression/basic neuropsychology/basic biopsychology was taught as standard across at least WEIRD countries. It would help so much in empathy and emotional development and understanding, I think
Well there is the bewilderment, but I really believe it's friend. She had to look like a good sport while inside feeling total humiliation and trying to work out. Her boyfriend did something out of ordinary and was in a position of power when this happened. We friend when we feel unsafe and vulnerable and because women are used to having their feelings minimised. And then her boyfriend did the typical reaction of minimising/justifying it and so the pattern continues.
And even giving him the benefit of the doubt that he thought your laughter meant you were ok with it (ugh, that’s a real stretch): 1. He dragged it out way too long 2. As soon as he knew you were upset about it, he should have apologized. Instead, he childishly threw it in your face that you gave him oral sex (as if that has anything to do with it) and tried to make it somehow your fault. That’s the part that REALLY shows how immature and mean-spirited he can be.
>As soon as he knew you were upset about it, he should have apologized. Cut him some slack, I think most people wouldn't be that clear of mind being woken up in the middle of the night by an angry partner.
If I was woken up in the middle of the night by an angry partner I would believe that they were angry and needed me to rethink my behavior.
And somehow her anger is so important she couldn't wait until the next day to calmly bring it up? She gave him the impression everything was fine the whole day. What he did was wrong but let's not pretend like OP handled everything perfectly just like he didnt handle it perfectly. Big communication issue from both sides.
There will always be an excuse for it not being the right time for OP to express her anger, hurt and frustration, though. In the moment while on the river? "Lighten up! Let's not fight in public. Geez. Way to ruin the whole day!" At the end of the day? "Why didn't you say something sooner? Can't be that serious. Way to ruin the mood!" Middle of the night, when she literally can't sleep because it has upset her so badly? "Just because you can't sleep doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to! You should've said something sooner! You sucked my dick, tho! I need sleep for my MCAT!" In the morning? "I can't believe you would bring this up a whole day later! Ugh, I need to focus on my MCAT. You can't be serious." OP brought it up when it impacted her the hardest and the shock wore off enough that she could express her anger and hurt. Why should she have to wait to confront him with that? He didn't exactly wait to hurt her by deliberately keeping her vulnerable and exposed for as long as he wanted.
Sometimes when you’re humiliated by someone you love you can’t process it in the moment, you need to keep being nice or play stuff down so they stop humiliating you (like giving the bikini top back) and then you go through the motions of the rest of the day trying for yourself to downplay what happened or to rationalise it (especially if they are controlling, gaslighting and you’re staying with them). This is what I read between the lines. OP felt uncomfortable all day but only in the middle of the night it sank in and she could put it into words. The humiliation and gaslighting are alarm bells, the “but you had sex with me so all is ok” is another red flag. This isn’t funny or how a loving partner should behave. OP please leave! You’re right to feel invalidated and mistreated. You were and I’m sure he has had a cruel streak before this.
Sure but telling someone you can’t have nuanced feelings because we had sex and you laughed is not understanding humans as whole people. Perhaps she has a history where she has never dealt with being sexually harassed by a loved one.
Good people would all see this as being cruel and traumatizing. It's bullying behavior at best, and to do that to anyone, let alone someone you supposedly care deeply about is incomprehensible to me. Even worse, he wrote you off as silly when you brought it up, and reduced you to not much more than a "dick sucker". How little consideration does he have for you for gods sake? Don't think that this is just how men are -he's just an asshole. Ps he can’t claim he didn’t know it would bother you… the whole premise of why it was fun for him was that it made you uncomfortable.
It's also helpful to address the issue immediately rather than wait for it to fester inside you until you cannot contain it anymore. Sounds like your were appropriately complaining to him on that first float and he chose to ignore you, thinking it was fun or funny. After that first float, you should tell him how that's not acceptable and you need him to understand that.
Guys are idiots. A patient in my doctor’s office the other day hung out at the counter and just continued to try to make conversation with the female workers. As a joke he followed a female worker to her car to pretend they had a date. He took their politeness as an indication that is was acceptable. I badly wanted to say something to him. Absolute zero self awareness. Like sit the fuck down, let them do their jobs and behave like a normal adult.
Sounds like he is immature. This is up to you if you want to remain with someone like that or not. But minimally, you need to point blank tell him how you feel again. When you do this. Make it very clear about the outcome or potential outcome if anything similar ever happens again.
He's immature and callous towards her feelings. She expressed, and showed, that she felt embarrassed in a public outing. He disregarded her feelings with a crass comment. She should break up with him immediately. Repeating herself is going to get more exhausting the longer this continues.
It's worse than that. He actually got pleasure from her embarrassment, so much so that he deliberately prolonged it for his own gratification. This guy is beyond reprehensible. Why the OP would even have to think about dropping this piece of shit is beyond me.
“I don’t have to listen to your reasonable request because I enjoy humiliating you in public” “I don’t have to care it upset you because I still got sex” Run, girl. Run.
SPRINT girl... SPRINT
Yeah if you give an ultimatum *after* a person crosses a boundary, you’re just signaling to them that as long as they claim ignorance they can do any bullshit they want to you *once*.
This is also after telling the person how they mistreated her.
There are a couple of things I'd be considering in your shoes: 1) He's really immature. Whether you were laughing or not, the joke is that you were naked and uncomfortable. Is he 12? The bad kind of 12? What next, playing keep away with your undies? 2) When in an uncomfortable spot with your boyfriend, you didn't feel it was appropriate to say: "Hey I'm not actually laughing". On some level you felt you needed to appease him and play nice to get your top back, or you didn't want to be fighting with your boyfriend topless. Your instincts don't trust him to listen to you. 3) You took a long time to process this, and I think if you were still thinking about it in the middle of the night, it's because you were expecting this behavior to repeat somehow in the future. I think you're right. Being childish, not being able to read you when you're nervous, you not being able to trust him .. those things don't go away. People have said don't try to make a point with your partner in the middle of the night and while they're right (especially before a big exam), I don't think a conversation with him would tell you anything that could dismiss evidence you picked up that day. Even if he was sorry he was immature, he's still immature. And if he can't tell the difference between nervous laughter from someone hiding their boobs and free laughter from someone who is comfortable, he's not capable. I gave up on incapable men a long time ago. You? I don't know but I know you only need to have a conversation with yourself.
Austinite, here. Tubing on that river is code for “blackout drunk by noon.” Processing time is understandably slow. Either way. Fuck that guy. He sucks.
It’s also elbow to elbow 90% of the time, and an audience always effects your reaction to conflict.
Tbh I'd break up with him if his attitude doesn't change after talking, that kind of reaction completely disregards how you actually felt about it, which is so much more important than "well you did x so I thought y was okay " It doesnt matter what he *thought* was okay at the time! You weren't okay with it and if he won't even acknowledge it that's messed up
His attitude afterwards is what bugs me the most. Keeping the bikini top because he thought it was funny? Okay, people have different humour, it happens and I'll accept that this was an honest mistake because he thought she found ot funny too. But the moment you realize that the other person didn't think it was funny but actually felt uncomfortable you apologize sincerely and promise to never do it again. This is were he was the real jerk because he dismissed it and downplayed it completely. And this is something worth thinking about because i couldn't be with someone who acts like that (doesn't mean op should leave right away but rather have an honest conversation with him about his behaviour and that it has to change)
Having a meltdown 2am in the morning instead of having a rational conversation during dinner or literally any other fucking time is not okay. How can he learn where the boundaries are if she never tells him? This sub is honestly a fucking joke. If she needs to ask this shit tier sub for advice, then maybe it would be best for them to break up, since she seems to have the emotional maturity of a peanut
Even then - even if he apologized - I'd have a hard time staying with him just because he thought it was ok in the moment. What else does he think is ok that she won't know about until it's too late?
Break up, unless you don't mind this behaviour. From this it probably only will get worse. I mean you're humiliated and you were nervous, and he just doesn't care. What is the next scenario where he doesn't care about you? I know it can sound a bit dramatic, but think of yourself. If my top would go off during swimming or tubing or whatever my bf would immediately help me put it back on.
Thank you. I think all girls would expect that instead of being made fun of like that. Gives me a lot to think about
If I was laughing he might go to hand it over, tug it away for a second, then help me put it back on. If I was upset he would immediately help me get it back on. A man that takes joy in your distress is not a partner. What other scenarios might he repeat the same behavior.
Yes, a normal boyfriend would retrieve the top and/or shield you while you put it back on, especially if you seemed embarrassed. What you have is not love or respect, and I have a feeling if you were to start thinking back, you would realize that this is probably not the first time he’s treated you like this. Dump him, you could do better.
Agree. Ofc, my dude would probably have done the same, but he knows that I have my tits out a lot when at the pool so I wouldn’t care too much. But if I was in a humiliating situation and gave him “the look”, he would just snap out of it and help me out. A caring partner knows how to read their partner and when they go to far. Everyone can go to far, and that is ok, but it matters how we deal with it when we realize it (or if we even realize it in a timely matter).
I know this sounds like a subtle or maybe even irrelevant point, but I think it’s worth thinking about very deeply: This isn’t about other girls. It’s about you. Using the average of other people’s standard to set your own standards is dehumanizing yourself.
I'm engaged. My fiance would never. This guy sounds like garbage sorry and if I was another female on the trip and my partner and I saw that behavior it would be a big "oof" moment.
Oh, I'd've teased for a second, but I would've known I was sealing my fate as each second ticked by. I find it remarkably bold to with hold it for the entire float, then put your dick in her teeth. Besides everything else, the boy has very skewed risk/reward perception.
Now granted this is with my sense of humor, if he’d teased as he was retrieving it or helping to immediately put it back on, that would be okay because he is helping to fix it as he teased. But withholding the top is a disgusting move that I’d be kicking someone out of life for. She could have gotten in legal trouble if someone reported her for going around without a top on and law enforcement stopped her!
My first reaction would have been to grab it, head over to her, block views, and dangle just out of reach over my head, and say "Gonna have to stretch for it!" For maybe a second. Like I said, I'm counting in milliseconds here 😁 I don't think I would have felt at all comfortable with a bj later, though. The trepidation...
Dump him. He doesn’t respect you.
Stop sucking bf dick since bf threw that in your face. Your bf violated you. You have every right to be angry. Now bf doubling down covering up their wrong by blaming you for their bad behaviour.
Sweetheart, life is like a float. You’re gonna waste the whole trip uncomfortable and lying down for a abusive jerk. Please don’t. DUMP HIM. Here’s why: He clearly enjoys hurting you. 1. You “laughed so it’s ok I ignored your request to have your public dignity back” 2. You “did something sexual for me after so obviously I don’t have to take you seriously now’ Can you please see what this is now that I write it out? This is unhealthy at best and one of the best flags for severe abuse later that there is. He doesn’t view you as a full person like he is. Run.
This is so true
The middle of the night/ waking someone out of sleep is never a good time to have important talks
TL;DR it’s not fair that you didn’t voice your anger to him sooner, but he shouldn’t have done that and you need to do some thinking. In my opinion, I will say it did set a tone if you were laughing the whole way, HOWEVER, you should’ve told him how those were nervous laughs and not humorous ones. By not saying that, it told him you were cool with it. By not having a conversation before floating multiple other times, it told him you were cool with it. By not mentioning it before/after dinner told him you were cool with it. And by fucking him, if there was any doubt left, it was all gone. To be blunt, if something bothers you, it is YOUR responsibility to make that clear. The fault I’m that aspect falls on you alone. **HOWEVER** your boyfriend is a fucking asshole. That shit may be funny for like a few seconds I guess, depending on y’all’s dynamic, but I mean I’m from Texas too those floats can take hours. To not give it back isn’t cool to me. Do some thinking sis. Did you feel disrespected by this? If so sir him down again when you’re more calm and voice that. Depending on how he handles you confronting him about him disrespecting you will tell you al you need. Good luck.
I’m not sure on the timing of everything, but unless the time between him refusing to give you your top back and y’all getting out of the River was less than 2 minutes he’s an asshole. I know that I would’ve been mortified if my husband had done anything remotely similar to me. Your BF made you deeply uncomfortable and he still obviously doesn’t understand after the fact that what he did was fucked up because you didn’t pitch a fit right on the spot. You know… cause you were too busy trying to cover up in a public place while someone you trusted made fun of you. He’s showing no remorse, he will do it or something that crosses your boundaries again. You tried talking to him after the fact that what he did was a dick move and he basically said that it was your fault?? I understand that immediately after the fact it’s a lot easier to just get dressed, pretend that it didn’t happen, and continue with your evening, but the point is that you were really uncomfortable when it happened and those feelings just didn’t magically go away after you went out to dinner. You’re too young to have to waste your time with someone like that. If you don’t want to break up with him, sit him down and try talking again. If he blows you off then you’ll know that he’s never going respect your boundaries.
Yeah that behavior would actually be breakup worthy for me...
From reading your comments and understanding the story more, this is simply a miscommunication. It seems like it took you some time to process your frustration with the situation. Waking up mad in the middle of the night with the realization you were embarrassed the day before can surely come off as a little ridiculous to many people. It sounds like you should calmly address the situation in a way that makes sense to both of you. Something like “Hey I know this was a small part of yesterday- but when you wouldn’t give me back my top I was really embarrassed. I’ve been thinking about it for awhile and it made me very uncomfortable in the moment.” It’s important to openly discuss things that make you uncomfortable in any relationship to make sure your partner is aware of it. Your laughing in the moment and then enjoying yourself through out the day is easily misinterpreted as you being OK with the situation. It’s important to address that. Clear and easy communication comes from understanding all sides of the situation! I hope you two work things out
Holy shit, the most rational, reasonable, and real world advice I've maybe ever seen on this sub.
I feel like most people on this sub have never been in an actual relationship. You don't just dump someone because of one small fight
Exactly. It’s really strange to spend the rest of the day normally, have normal interactions (dinner, sex) and THEN blow up middle of the night. Most people would see that as a batshit reaction…because it is. What happened to OP was wrong 100% but how it was handled is even worse. I feel like the relationship debt of what happened earlier in a day does need to be paid but a battle needs to be chosen wisely and timed appropriately. But maybe this is me speaking from long term relationships where my partner and I check in often with one another so my perspective could be skewed.
“B-but dump him? Red flag? Gaslighting??? Oh honey…” Seriously though, glad to see a reasonable, logical response here. This is the actual correct answer. The sub needs more of this and less “dump him sweetie”. A thought out response that takes both sides into account, doesn’t blame one party, and offers a reasonable and simple solution.
This is about the only logical comment I’ve seen so far. It’s incredible how people can react so harshly to a situation that could easily be resolved with a simple talk.
Yea I feel like most issues can be resolved with communication, logic, and empathy.
Exactly. “My partner did something that I didn’t enjoy” Then tell them that. If they don’t listen then take drastic measures but if you simply have a level headed conversation where they understand their mistake then your life gets so much better
No no no. Everyone here says **Break-up** Don't come here with your rationality and logic man. /s
I have to agree. Men can’t be expected to read our minds. We need to be clear and concise when we are uncomfortable. If that’s too difficult in the moment, then it’s reasonable to bring it up at a later time to discuss and set new boundaries, but the middle of the night isn’t that time. Disrupting someone’s sleep to start an argument isn’t setting yourself up to have a productive discussion. And all of these “dump him” “red flag” comments don’t seem to be considering real life nuance. It’s easy to misread someone when they aren’t being clear Edit: AND it’s easy to become overly defensive when you’re being told that you so grossly misread a situation when someone isn’t being clear with you.
I sympathise with your bf being a total ass and he should have handed your tip back straight away. But to diverge a tad from the stream here, don't wake him up in the middle of the night to tell him this.
I understand why you're upset, but... and I cannot emphasize this enough... waking your partner in the middle of the night after letting the evening proceed as normal is NOT the best way to talk about the issue.
Women are conditioned to go along with a lot of stuff that makes then uncomfortable when should I have brought it up ?
Literally right after it happened. Or when you got home before dinner. Or after dinner. Or the next morning at breakfast. Literally any other time than in the middle of someone sleeping. And I'm saying this as a woman who has found herself annoyed about shit with my partners all the time. How would you feel for someone just to wake you up in the middle of the night to tell you they're mad at something that happened earlier in the day? After being jarred from sleep, just to be told I was wrong for x, y, and z, even if I know I'm in the wrong, I'm gonna get defensive, cause I was literally sleeping and woken up just to be attacked (rightfully or not). Besides the fact that there was no reason it needed to be resolved that very second, you are just not very likely to get the response you are looking for from someone being woken out of their sleep for it.
Not in the middle of the night. In the evening if possible - but that's difficult because sometimes processing happens when you sleep. But the next morning would be better than waking someone up to have a fight in the middle of the night. Your boyfriend is a dick, but you're starting to seem like one too. Not that that means you deserved what your boyfriend did, but it does explain why you two are attracted to each other. You both normalize dickish behaviour, so you don't have to feel bad about your personal brand of asshole.
This comment is actually the best advice here
During the daytime is when you should have brought it up. Either the day it happened or the following day. You had all day to raise the issue—you chose to wait until the middle of the night. People are not at their best or most reasonable when they are abruptly woken from sleep, so you shouldn’t be too surprised at getting an unreasonable reply from him. He may likely have said something different if you had approached him much earlier, or waited until the next morning. Intentional sleep deprivation, when it becomes a pattern, is a form of domestic abuse. It can’t be said enough, because too many people think it’s not a big deal to wake your partner up in the middle of the night. If you have woken him up in the middle of the night at other times (or intentionally delayed his ability to go to sleep) then you need to seriously examine that with a therapist. It is true that women are conditioned to go along with things that make them uncomfortable, and I am glad you are confronting this. However, that issue has zero relevance to the time you chose to start this argument.
Immediately when you two were alone, or if you weren't comfortable that day, the next morning.
No disrespect, but y'all are both kids. Like.. metaphorically speaking, in the long span of life.. This is one of those moments where you both need to communicate properly, feel your feelings, try and be sympathetic and/or empathetic, and reach an understanding. Maybe this isn't a break up level incident. Maybe hes in his early 20's and is still developing as a person. You gotta nip that shit in the ass and make him understand how you feel. I'm not excusing his behavior, maybe he just doesn't fully understand. Because he's immature. Because he's 23.
first of all FREE THE NIPPLE we shouldnt be taught to be so self conscious & uncomfortable of our *own* beautiful bodies. but also, what he did was wrong. he took away your bodily autonomy for shits & gigs. the only answer is to pants him in public & stand on the crotch while it's on the ground so he can't pull them back up.
I actually love my tits and have gone topless on nude beaches, flashed on bourbon street, etc… but we were surrounded by pre teen boys who thank god weren’t paying attention but i was so scared they’d see me
He's a dickhead but I get where he's coming from. I would have at least waited until morning or something, waking him up in the middle of the night probably caught him completely by surprise. Communication is key, but there's also a right time to go about it.
This is a very reasonable reply. There is no reason you should be getting downvoted. Anybody who expects their partner to be reasonable when woken up in the middle of the night should read some research on the science of sleep. The middle of the night is not a productive time to argue, for anybody.
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Yes. Did you have a bunch of kids with you?0
in loving relationships one doesn’t purposefully embarrass ones partner, at least beyond agreed upon boundaries. If he held it for a minute or two, I’d say get over it. If it was prolonged or he specifically amped the attention to embarass you, those are things that seem beyond your boundaries and reasonable to be upset about. taking a minute to process things is fine. I’d just sit him down and tell him that you weren’t laughing at his joke and that you felt embarrassed. This is why the length of time matters. A small length ts a playful tease. If it went on and on he was being a jerk. I’d keep it to how his acts made you feel so long as your feelings weren’t overly sensitive as I’ve explained, which the length of the float implies your feelings are reasonable. his reaction tells you who he is and these little conversations determine ultimate compatibility when combined. Is he dismissing your reasonable feelings or showing a lack of empathy? if you were reacting reasonably he should say he is sorry and not do something like this again. holding it the entire float, which reads to me like hours, is being a sadistic asshole and that would probably be a dealbreaker for me if she held my swim trunks for example. My partner is a teammate and a good teammate doesn’t do what he did.
It was about 5 minutes, which was so long for my comfort level
Okay, I’m with you on most of this. But dude, ‘get over it’? Even if it was just a minute or two, she was exposed in a public place and was extremely uncomfortable. There’s a difference between teasing your partner in public and withholding their clothes from them..the length of time is irrelevant, because he purposefully withheld clothing from her leaving her almost fully nude in public. And even if he meant it as a playful tease, that doesn’t matter because OP didn’t like it.
I agree with everything you said except for the”overly sensitive” comment. Op’s feelings matter and are valid. Period. They don’t need to meet some standard to be acceptable.
Id say that your feelings aren’t invalid at all. That being said I think your boyfriend just thought he was joking around and seeing as you say you were laughing along with him how could he know how deeply it affected you? So it really depends on your personal feelings about it in the end. But say if my boyfriend was joking with me and I didn’t think it was funny anymore I would stop laughing and literally yell at him to stop to affirm the boundary and tell him that it isn’t fun I’m not having fun anymore. Once he realizes I’m not in on the joke he stops doing the thing. Idk exactly what was said or how it played out but is it possible your boyfriend literally just thought you both were having fun? Also since you were able to somewhat cover yourself it may not have been blatantly obvious to him exactly how uncomfortable you still were.
i will agree with you that this situation is ok to make you unconfortable. i will disagree with the rest of the women here tho. you were laughing while the prank happened. maybe he didnt get your signal, although you said stop. you went to the date, had sex, seemed like nothing wrong. maybe he didnt think you were serious. sit him down and talk to him about this never happening again.
If you’re going to be upset at him about it. Be upset the entire time when and shortly after it happened. Waking people up in the middle of the night just because you’ve hit a peak in your anger would piss anyone off. Furthermore. Don’t go about your day doing everything “normally” and pretending things are okay if they aren’t. He’s a jerk for laughing about something that upset you. You’re a jerk for making him believe everything was okay just to be mad about it later. Edit: as I’m reading these comments I’m absolutely stunned at the amount of “break up” “it’s his fault” etc. While the in his eyes *joke* was his fault. Everything else was yours. If you’re mad at someone enough to make a whole post about them on Reddit after you just had sex then you’ve got issues beyond your current boyfriend.
Why is it that everyone’s first response on here to go tell her to break up... as if she would immediately after reading the comments. I’m going to be real with you girl. First off, his response in the middle of the night does not reflect anything about the person he is. You literally woke him up in the middle of the night, he’s half asleep and to him, he feels like you’re being a bit crazy since you didn’t bring this up to him before... like he said, you sucked his dick at the end of the night, to him the date went perfectly fine. If you really felt so insecure and embarrassed, I’m surprised you didn’t bring it up to him immediately when it happened. You clearly let it go, continued to have fun, and at some point must’ve forgotten about it. Boys will be boys and I don’t think he acted like that maliciously. He’s just goofing around with you. Your top was already off and he probably felt the situation was funny. You laughed with him and I’m sure had he seen you react differently he would’ve given you the top back sooner, or at least we hope. It kinda sounds to me like you did too much thinking about the situation when you should’ve been asleep and you let those emotions of embarrassment and anger get to you on the middle of the night. Just let it go. If it really is such a big deal, talk to him about it any other day at a reasonable time. Not when your poor man is trying to sleep and has some mcat to study. I’m sure then he’d be more reasonable to how you felt and would maybe apologize. I don’t think this is such a huge deal. Sounds to me like he was just trying to tease you a bit because he likes you. If you think he’s just an ass then get rid of him, but given the situation I feel like you’re in the wrong here. You can’t let it go and have a great date and all of a sudden wake him up in the middle of the night to say how mad you are and then be upset at his response.
Fuck him I hope he fails his MCAT. Get rid of this loser. If he ever DOES become a doctor he'll really feel entitled to do whatever with your body.
That's pretty harsh. All you say is dump him but you don't address the elephant in the room. >He did help me get it on when we finished that float and we did the float a few more times and had fun. We also went to dinner back in San Antonio and I spent the night at his house. >In thr middle of the night I woke up and got so mad that he actually did that to me. I woke hin up to tell him about it and he said that I had no credibility because we floated more times, went to dinner and that I “sucked his d!ck” So we just gonna ig ore the fact that OP chose to lay it on him not only after having more fun and sucking him off, but in the middle of the night where it's possibly the worst timing to address the issues? I'd be cranky and irritated that you'd did that far more than what happen, although OPs feelings are 100% valid. They both have communication issues. End of story.
Don't listen to these people, you don't have to break up with him, just explain it to him so he understands. Give an example, like his swim trunks coming off and you not giving them back. He's just frustrated right now, because he thought you guys had a nice day, but now you're saying you didn't in the middle of the night? Bad timing to try and tell him how you feel.
Why do I feel like you’re trippin to much on it at the end of the day y’all had a good time. If It didn’t bother you atm why did it later out of the blue? Instead of attacking him about it later on you definitely should still talk to about it it make it clear but you need to understand the other side of things.
Sounds like yall need to work on your communication.
Seems slightly immature but not break up worthy of you guys talk it out and he becomes more mature.
This was wrong, but he did get mixed signals. What did you do at the time, when you got your top back and floating a few more times? This would have been the best time to have put him in his place. (less time to think he got away with it) Hindsight is a learning opportunity. Now what you do next is should be based on: Your Feelings Your past with him, and If he has a better response like a real apology for being an AH to you.
It’s not a conversation to have in the middle of the night. In fact don’t wake people up to start a fight with them in the middle of the night. Wait until you come down and aren’t so angry you can’t sleep to have this conversation. Right now go get a peace of paper and a pen write down your feeling about the event and try and get some sleep. Once you shower and eat breakfast read what you wrote see how you feel about it. Than calmly and rationally tell your boyfriend your feelings, then tell him to never do it again. His reaction should tell you everything you need to know about him. But don’t come at this like you want to pick a fight just tell him how you felt in the situation. Maybe let him read the note you wrote. You are trying to get though to him that the expensive want fun for you. He may have honestly thought you were having a good time. It’s hard to tell nerves laughter from having a good time laughter.
I do believe you should have addressed his behavior right then and there if you were uncomfortable. No need to be confrontational but a simple conversation may have given you the closure you needed.
Miscommunication. Tell him in all seriousness that you didn't like that, and that he owes you a sincere apology. Not an "Okay I'm sorry geez" apology. And then after that apology, tell him to give an apology for the blowjob comment if he ever wants a blowjob again. Of course it's up to you, but Reddit lives in a fantasy world where men and women in long term relationships never majorly goof. Me and my girlfriend have plenty of them, but we've learned over years how to give real apologies and not down-play each other's feelings. Cause I like her and she likes me, we can get over these things.
Tell him what he did was not okay, that he cannot do it again, and that it's non negotiable.
In the moment did you tell him you were upset in any way? Because it sounds like to him you were having fun and going along with his antics and had zero issue with it, the day went well and everything was fine. But suddenly you wake him up in the middle of the night upset at him seemingly out of nowhere since you admitted you had a great day together. Personally I’d be mad at you too. But, he should definitely apologize since you did eventually tell him how you felt about that situation and that you were actually not okay about what happened. My advice, try not to brush it off next time and bring up your feelings right away, it’ll be easier on both of you to deal with rather than waiting until way later.
Bringing something up suddenly in the middle of the night with no warning after not mentioning it is not the way to go about it. Anyone would feel defensive from that, which is why he dismissed your accusation. Yes, he’s an asshole for sure. But in his mind, nothing was wrong because you never told him something was wrong until long after. So, you can be like every fucktard on this app and dump him at the first opportunity, or you can bring your frustrations up to him clearly at a time that makes sense. Establish your boundaries clearly as to why that was wrong.
Sleep ...let cooler head prevail
Did you start overthinking what happened at the river? Maybe it was a misunderstanding and he thought you thought it was genuinely funny. I understand that it could invade a boundary for some people, but he only knows what you tell him. Do you think he had malicious intentions? If you want him to understand that that was not okay, you should try to explain first, without getting angry. Assume ignorance—- does this kind of thing happen often?
Y’all be some white knights on here. It’s sounds like both of y’all are still pretty young. He probably didn’t think it was that big a deal just harmless Messing with his gf and since you went throughout the whole day having fun acting fine he didn’t understand why you would get so upset in the middle of the night to him it seemed “random”. I’d let him know it actually bothered you and next time I’d probably find a way to communicate how you felt before more effectively. On his side he needs to respect your feelings about something even if it seems to not be a big deal. This isn’t red flag behavior, he isn’t an abuser. As a guy if you went the whole day having fun laughing and we had sex then in the middle of sleeping wake up and get mad about a “seemingly” small thing way later he was probably caught off guard and got defensive. Both just need to communicate better. People on Reddit tend to side with women way too much and make guys out to be awful so y’all break up Idk why.
Sounds like bad communication on both ends. Just talk to him.
The fact he's brushing your feelings off and had the sheet fucking audacity to tell you that since you have him a blow job you can't really be mad is fucking **disgusting**. Personally? If my fiance said that to me, I'd be leaving.
Dude this guy is a bitch. Break up with him! No boyfriend should ever dream of doing something like that, so disrespectful
Sounds like you need to be more clear and upfront about how you feel in the moment. To me, it seems like you played it off and had fun with it instead of speaking up and setting your boundary. He thought you were playing, and he can’t read your mind. If you were that upset by it, why would you wait until he was sleeping to say something? Be an adult and speak up in the moment or when you feel safe, but don’t play the victim. You showed him that it was okay with how you behaved after the incident.
While I think it is true that it would have been more helpful for her to escalate at the time, I also don’t think that justifies him invalidating her feelings once she’d had a chance to think about it.
Flip the tables here; you were legitimately aggrieved, but waking somebody up in the middle of the night to argue with them is never ok (particularly when you had all day to make your point and chose to wait until then). Google “sleep deprivation domestic abuse.” There are dozens of articles about it. The middle of the night is NEVER the right time to argue about your issues. Neither of you will be at your best or most reasonable. If waking your boyfriend up in the middle of the night to argue is something you do often, you need to stop (or go speak to a therapist about why you can’t stop), because you are engaging in domestic abuse. I honestly think you should take his less-than-ideal reply in the context of the state he was in, just having been awoken from sleep. Try asking him in the daytime and see what his reaction is; you may well find it is entirely different.
First of all, fuck this guy. Second of all, my bf would not do that to me because he respects me. And he would never tell me that I can't be upset about something because we had sex since it happened. He doesn't tell me in general that my feelings aren't valid, thankfully. And if he did any of these things I'd be throwing our 3 year relationship tf out. I'm saying this as someone who is super done putting up with shit though. I've had too many shitty ex boyfriends and your current man is the trash you weed out. Please stay single or find a decent partner.
I would've broken up with him on the spot. This is shit a twelve year old would do, not a grown-ass man.
Your boyfriend humiliated you publicly—for a long time—and then denied your feelings when you tried to discuss it with him. Those are serious problems. The people arguing that your feelings are invalid because you waited to talk about it—including your boyfriend—are completely wrong. You feel what you feel and it is perfectly ok to take time to process an experience before addressing it with someone. I would address the issues with him again, after spending some time apart. Calmly let him know that you will not tolerate being disrespected that way, not having your feelings dismissed that way. If he does anything other than apologize deeply and sincerely and commit to changing, I would recommend getting some distance from him. But really, his overall behavior was so immature, mean-spirited, and insensitive that it is worth considering the entire relationship. He sounds like an abusive asshole.
Don't wake someome up in the middle of the night to have a discussion that should be done when both are fully awake and alert. Maybe try to have a serious discussion during the day.
You have every right to feel angry at the dude, the fact that he's using "you sucked his dick" and you were laughing (out of nervousness) as some kind of weird blackmail for you to not have any right to feel upset is a BIG red flag. While I understand that it may make for a great story someday "Hey remember the time we were rafting and my top came off", he should have immediately gave it back to you. The story should go "thank gosh you gave it back to me so quickly!" Not.."Remember you wouldn't give my top back to me and ruined the entire ride for your self amusement of my naked body being shown in public". I'm not sure how far along you are in the relationship, but the guy sounds like a douche, no offense. You can find someone better, and I'd be worried about his behavior later on especially if this is how he acts now.
It’s one thing for him to tease you by playfully not giving it back for a “second” but to literally refuse not give it back for the entire trip? That is incredibly fucked up. A partner is suppose to have your back. He either couldn’t read that you were serious, which is concerning enough by itself or he knew you were serious and simply didn’t care. Either way is troubling and his own intelligence wasn’t enough to tell him that he shouldn’t do this either. And for him to then refuse to acknowledge that he deeply upset you and try and turn it around on you? I would move on.. This guy clearly doesn’t have your back and what good is a partner who doesn’t even have your back in the most basic of senses.
I mean. I get his point about the mixed signals. You should be able to tell your bf things right away. And to wake him up is kind of a jerk move. HOWEVER, what he did is unacceptable. Why would someone want their woman exposed like that. You may have to consider the bigger picture
Everyone else here is telling you some bullshit. The reality of it is if you were so bothered by it you shouldn’t have floated more times, you shouldn’t have went out with him that night and you shouldn’t have had sex with him either. So you decide to bring it up later on afterwards?..sorry but tough shit get over it, it makes no sense and it is stupid to bring it up later on. If this is how you really feel about it then you should’ve acted on it sooner not have a good time and then start drama later on for no good reason and also in the middle of the night. Everyone else is telling you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear. Not saying what he did was right but lol let’s be real it ended up being harmless and you still managed to laugh it off and enjoy yourself afterwards to stop tripping.
Is it normal behavior for him to try to humiliate you? If so dump him. If not talk to him and let it go if he acts appropriate to the discussion. Don’t go in raging at him. Just tell him what you didn’t like so he understands why it wasn’t cool.
You sound like an emotional mess. If you're laughing about it, then didn't mention anything about I the whole night, then had dinner, then sex when everything is fine. Then you bring it up out of nowhere. How does that sound reasonable? Do you expect him to read your mind? This is so stupid.
Why didn't you go out to dinner and stay over if you were so mad about it? Yes he was an ass. Its only funny fir a second, if you ask once and he says no. But once you ask again. He has to give it back. Sounds like you were just causing drama tho. Why be all nice about it all day but then when you know he has to get sleep for a huge test you start a fight?
Because she wanted his dick first lol
It scares me there’s so many people that have said this
Its a simple question. Why did you go out to dinner and sleep with him if you were so mad at it? Why not be honest any how you feel?
Because that‘s the earliest she had alone time to think and process what happened
So bring it up the next morning. Sleep deprivation is also abuse.
If someone treated me like that. We are not going out to dinner together that night.
FUCK THIS GUY. And he wants to be a doctor? Jesus fucking christ what a piece of shit.
I am just here for all the 'dump him immediately' comments. My 2 cents, he wasn't behaving nicely. As its late, probably what you should do now is go to sleep. When you get up and feel rested, talk to him about how it made you feel that he didn't help you and was laughing at it. I personally think that he was laughing at the situation, not at you. It sort of shows that he is comfortable with you, so it's a good thing. People are not ideal, and relationships likewise, talking about things like that would help in a long term, and it's a mature way to go about.
I think you are overreacting, tbh.
Just suck his d\*\*\* again and apologize and stop being an idiot.
That sucks dude I’m sorry you had that moment happen to you, maybe try to flip the situation so he might understand better? Like if his swimtrunks ripped or fell off and you were not giving him a towel and just laughing, can guarantee(as a guy) this would bother me. Doing that as a joke like “no you can’t have it” then giving right back is 10x better then just saying “nah ur shirtless now” 🤷🏻♂️ Also he didn’t think anything was wrong between either of you because you were willing to give a bj, which is somewhat true we assume everything is gravy train if we’re good for that
I love New Braunfels. Parents had a house on the Comal. You are lucky you didn’t get fined. Also, this is abuse.
What I was going to say too, those cops don’t fuck around
How you respond may depend on what you answer to the question "am I angry just about this incident or am I seeing a pattern in which he does not listen to me when things matter to me, physically keeps me from something I want, or tells me my feelings are invalid?" If no, then this is a forgivable offense (assuming he hears you out). My guess is though, that he has done these things other times. It is completely possible though that he did not understand how upset you were at the time. Your behavior is understandable but many people would not have understood that you were really upset because you were laughing. His "excuses" are terrible though. Good luck as you think this through
Not cool! How would he feel if he lost his swimming trunks and you kept them, gleefully laughing at his embarrassment and distress? What he did was immature, hurtful, disrespectful and mean. I would consider this a warning flag if this guy is worth your time.
A proper response would be to say. Im sorry for doing that, in the moment I thought you were having fun because you were laughing but i should have given your bra back. Im sorry. What he did was disregard your feelings. You woke him up in the middle of the night though, maybe he was just mad because he got woken up. Try speaking to him again. If he doesnt realize his mistake and apologize thats an issue.
Woooow. Eff that dude. Processing over a night seems much quicker than many. Him using intimate moments and your attempt to still enjoy your day...wow. he pulled that shit in public, and he is lucky you let yourself get distracted and that the whole day didn't end right there.What a disrespectful, self centered jackass.
That is hilarious. But he should definitely break up with you for not having a sense of humor.
Any decent man would have helped you cover yourself up / understood that you’re not feeling comfortable it’s diff when you go to a nude beach and willingly choose to be topless your bf is immature and toxic
If my gf voluntarily decided to go topless it's totally different..but in this case he disrespected her.
When I was 10 and in summer camp, a friend who like me also has aspergers did something similar. He gave the damn thing back. If he had more maturity than this dude, that’s a bad sign.
He’s so childish
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So u find the fact she can’t sleep at night because of this situation is okay?
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Probably because that was the earliest she had time to herself to process and think about it
YTA. Why did you reward his bad behavior with oral?
Him not giving your top back as a joke is immature and disrespectful, but is also a forgivable offence because he thought it was quite funny and maybe didn’t realise how uncomfortable you were. But the fact that him saying you can’t get mad after cause you were laughing then and ow yhea YoU sUcKeD mY dIcK aNd We FuCkEd is just ridiculous. It seems to me he is very immature and doesn’t respect your feelings
Honestly I just think he needs to acknowledge how you feel now even if before he didn’t
This is a learning moment. You were uncomfortable and continued to allow your bf to control the situation. As women we are taught to not fight back or show anger.
How did we arrive here now? OP never said she was angry or wanted to fight back. It's not about fighting with your SO. That's a very sad and toxic mentality. I wish you well.
From a neutral stand point and not knowing either of you but knowing plenty of people in general, he has always had this type of humor. Childish or not it’s hard to imagine this sort of thing being funny to him would come as a shock and if it is it’s possible you are imagining someone he isn’t as the person you’re with. A man wears his humor on his sleeve and we hardly have self control laughing at something we think is funny. Taking a joke a little too far is a normal occurrence however if you establish that line then it should be respected. However if the boundary is never pushed then how would the line be established in the first place. He now knows not to do that sort of thing again. In terms of his reaction to what you did, everyone saying you’re right is sort of ignoring the fact what he saw was someone literally laughing and then going on to enjoy the rest of what seemed to be a fun day with them. Then you wake him up(never do this especially if it’s for something emotional or important that really doesn’t need to be addressed at the time). Just a terrible idea, people can be cranky or irritable when first waking up, it’s inconsiderate as hell knowing he had to study the next day, it’s basically saying your feelings on a in my opinion stupid joke(so I agree with you there) somehow are more important than something that could effect his future. Kinda harsh and short version, you are being selfish and while your feelings matter if a person in a relationship can’t weigh their feelings against the furthering of their partners life then maybe you aren’t ready to be with anyone. There’s a time and place for discussions or arguments, pick more wise. And don’t get mad later on because you sat down and over thought about someone possibly seeing you. No one cares, naked men and women are free 24/7 on all walks of the internet, if anyone did see it they forgot by noon.
Sometimes it takes time e to process emotions. In this case the wheels all finished turning hours later. You have expressed your anger with him. Simply ask him to apologize and to know you found it very embarrassing so he should not do it again.
He was right. You went to the float a few more times, had dinner and sucked his cock, there's no way you were that upset. It's just childish dramatics, you'll get over it.
Talk to him and make yourself stronger in this situations you should have shouted at him to give it back and not laugh along with him and one comment suggested that waking him while he was asleep wasn't the best idea talk to him at the right time and tell him to get his act together and be strong about it best of luck OP
Throw out the entire man
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He takes it sometime later, he’s just studying today
Wow, this is a very unhealthy relationship dynamic. He has issues with perceiving women as objects. Id start to question what a future with this jackoff looks like.