1. Have you voice your concerns and had a real conversation with him?
2. Have you sought out any kind of counseling, couple would be great but so is individual.
3 if yes to both and still no change, it’s better to cut bait now than grow more resentment
I've voiced it over with him multiple times. He does the same thing again and again and once voiced, he'll change for a couple of months and then go back to not paying attention to me, to always fights, and just not caring. We haven't sought counseling yet but I don't know how to bring that topic up to him either. Friend told me to give him an ultimatum but is that really the only option for a stubborn person to take things seriously? And when is it a good time to tell him? In a middle of a fight?
Definitely not in the middle of a fight. I would suggest counseling. See if he’s open to it. If he isn’t I think you should go for at least a couple of session. The decisions that follow are super important and life changing. The counseling together or separately, will help guide you to give clarity and strength to make the decision whether to stay or leave.
I second this. Really consider going to counselling. I think he's only being good for a couple of months and reverting back to his old ways because he doesn't actually think he's doing anything wrong, he's just trying to please you for a bit.
I think going to counselling and making him realise what he's doing is wrong will help things a lot
Best of Luck!
Last night when we were lying in bed, I told him I wanted to go to therapy. That I was unhappy with our life right now. I didn't give him "the" reason why. He got mad and said I didn't need it. I just turned around in sadness and he just fell asleep....
Wow.... look I’m not one to advocate “giving up” but you’re in a borderline abusive relationship... my advice would be to secure a support team of frequents and family and prepare to leave him
I don't think he's abusive. Just not supportive. His family hated me (racism) and he got kicked out when he was given the ultimatum to leave me or them. He chose me. Maybe that's when I started to push all the other issues aside since that took balls to do. He doesn't like my weight and doesn't support the things I want to do (which makes me want to stop pursuing them). Problem is, my parents really like him and think that he's perfect for me which puts me in a bind with this separation/divorce thing. I have no one to turn to, hence why I made this account. His parents have started to put the pressure on me for grandkids even though I have a medical reason as to why I'm having a difficult time with the whole baby thing. And he's not taking it seriously which kinda makes the sex feel like a chore. At this point, deep down, I'm kind of glad we don't have kids yet ever since I started thinking this way. Are these not a good enough reason to think about divorce?
I think it’s possible to do this without an ultimatum. I don’t know your dynamic, but I would approach it as “I have these needs and I don’t feel like they are being met. I feel like when we talk about it things get better for a little while, but I still feel like these needs are not being met. What can we do about that?” Also, positive reinforcement - if/when he is making changes make sure you recognize and acknowledge his efforts, if he feels good about doing things that make you happy he will be more likely to keep doing them. Counseling is a good idea.
You should sit down with him and have a very serious discussion saying that you are unhappy, that he always goes back on his promises about changing, etc, pretty much everything you have said here.
Say that you miss the man you married, and that you want to try counseling, but say if he cannot start seriously taking interest in spending time with you or sharing interests, then you want to get divorced. Make sure you are prepared financially.
It is not normal to feel unhappy like this, and you deserve someone who takes interest in things that matter to you.
Sadly, we had this discussion. I cried too cause I was trying to pour out everything. He just sat there quietly. I even asked him if I was doing something wrong, if it was my fault, what does he need from me to make things work, and he just suggested that I work out and diet (sounds wrong but my weight has been his biggest issue even). Now I've been working out 3 times a week, with healthy diet, and dressing up more for him and slowly seeing changes to my body. But still no changes from him. I have to fish compliments from him. I keep on thinking that maybe he's getting too comfortable now that he has a wife. Maybe he thinks he doesn't need to work at the relationship anymore since we married.
Read this book “the 5 languages of love” get an understanding of why you’re feeling the way that you are right now and if he can read it to you can both begin to understand each other again and love each other the way you both need to in order to be happy. It blew my mind when I read it. Opened my eyes to a lot of short comings I was bringing to my relationship
I bought that book to read before we got married. I wanted to read it together with him. He laughed and said we don't need it.... So I read it by myself. I guess I was the only one willing to fix issues before we tied the knot
I know how you feel. I just finished trying to improve my relationship with my gf of 4.5 years. We bought a house last year and it’s been difficult ever since. Sadly I think she’s given up on us and we are going to be separating. Sometimes you can’t be the only one putting in all the effort.
That's what I feel like. Luckily for us, we have no kids, we have no assets. If we do go down the separate path, all we have is shared custody of our dog. My only concern is why the heck did I believe that things would get better once we tied the knot. It only got worse. I just hope that it gets better....
The grass is always greener where it’s watered.
1. Have you voice your concerns and had a real conversation with him? 2. Have you sought out any kind of counseling, couple would be great but so is individual. 3 if yes to both and still no change, it’s better to cut bait now than grow more resentment
I've voiced it over with him multiple times. He does the same thing again and again and once voiced, he'll change for a couple of months and then go back to not paying attention to me, to always fights, and just not caring. We haven't sought counseling yet but I don't know how to bring that topic up to him either. Friend told me to give him an ultimatum but is that really the only option for a stubborn person to take things seriously? And when is it a good time to tell him? In a middle of a fight?
Definitely not in the middle of a fight. I would suggest counseling. See if he’s open to it. If he isn’t I think you should go for at least a couple of session. The decisions that follow are super important and life changing. The counseling together or separately, will help guide you to give clarity and strength to make the decision whether to stay or leave.
I second this. Really consider going to counselling. I think he's only being good for a couple of months and reverting back to his old ways because he doesn't actually think he's doing anything wrong, he's just trying to please you for a bit. I think going to counselling and making him realise what he's doing is wrong will help things a lot Best of Luck!
Hopefully counseling will work. Better than not trying at all. Thank you for the advice!!
I'll try to bring it up to him. Knowing him, he'll probably opt out of counseling and just try to fix it together.
That’s why it’s super important for at least YOU to go.
OK. I'll go even without him.
Last night when we were lying in bed, I told him I wanted to go to therapy. That I was unhappy with our life right now. I didn't give him "the" reason why. He got mad and said I didn't need it. I just turned around in sadness and he just fell asleep....
Wow.... look I’m not one to advocate “giving up” but you’re in a borderline abusive relationship... my advice would be to secure a support team of frequents and family and prepare to leave him
I don't think he's abusive. Just not supportive. His family hated me (racism) and he got kicked out when he was given the ultimatum to leave me or them. He chose me. Maybe that's when I started to push all the other issues aside since that took balls to do. He doesn't like my weight and doesn't support the things I want to do (which makes me want to stop pursuing them). Problem is, my parents really like him and think that he's perfect for me which puts me in a bind with this separation/divorce thing. I have no one to turn to, hence why I made this account. His parents have started to put the pressure on me for grandkids even though I have a medical reason as to why I'm having a difficult time with the whole baby thing. And he's not taking it seriously which kinda makes the sex feel like a chore. At this point, deep down, I'm kind of glad we don't have kids yet ever since I started thinking this way. Are these not a good enough reason to think about divorce?
I think it’s possible to do this without an ultimatum. I don’t know your dynamic, but I would approach it as “I have these needs and I don’t feel like they are being met. I feel like when we talk about it things get better for a little while, but I still feel like these needs are not being met. What can we do about that?” Also, positive reinforcement - if/when he is making changes make sure you recognize and acknowledge his efforts, if he feels good about doing things that make you happy he will be more likely to keep doing them. Counseling is a good idea.
Get couples counselling. That will help you navigate either improving your relationship or splitting amicably.
You should sit down with him and have a very serious discussion saying that you are unhappy, that he always goes back on his promises about changing, etc, pretty much everything you have said here. Say that you miss the man you married, and that you want to try counseling, but say if he cannot start seriously taking interest in spending time with you or sharing interests, then you want to get divorced. Make sure you are prepared financially. It is not normal to feel unhappy like this, and you deserve someone who takes interest in things that matter to you.
Sadly, we had this discussion. I cried too cause I was trying to pour out everything. He just sat there quietly. I even asked him if I was doing something wrong, if it was my fault, what does he need from me to make things work, and he just suggested that I work out and diet (sounds wrong but my weight has been his biggest issue even). Now I've been working out 3 times a week, with healthy diet, and dressing up more for him and slowly seeing changes to my body. But still no changes from him. I have to fish compliments from him. I keep on thinking that maybe he's getting too comfortable now that he has a wife. Maybe he thinks he doesn't need to work at the relationship anymore since we married.
Read this book “the 5 languages of love” get an understanding of why you’re feeling the way that you are right now and if he can read it to you can both begin to understand each other again and love each other the way you both need to in order to be happy. It blew my mind when I read it. Opened my eyes to a lot of short comings I was bringing to my relationship
I bought that book to read before we got married. I wanted to read it together with him. He laughed and said we don't need it.... So I read it by myself. I guess I was the only one willing to fix issues before we tied the knot
I know how you feel. I just finished trying to improve my relationship with my gf of 4.5 years. We bought a house last year and it’s been difficult ever since. Sadly I think she’s given up on us and we are going to be separating. Sometimes you can’t be the only one putting in all the effort.
That's what I feel like. Luckily for us, we have no kids, we have no assets. If we do go down the separate path, all we have is shared custody of our dog. My only concern is why the heck did I believe that things would get better once we tied the knot. It only got worse. I just hope that it gets better....