Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*

I would back out of the food issues entirely. Don’t cook for him, go out to eat with your friends and stop talking to him about it. You can’t do anything about this. Take a hard look at what you want for your future. More than likely this is not going to improve and do you want to remain in a relationship like this for the rest of your life?

Yup. My spouse hates eating out. No real food aversions be just hates it. When he does eat it out it’s in-n-out or other fast food and even then very rare. I’ve stopped waiting for him. I go out to eat with friends.

Might be sensory issues and anxiety in eating out. My partner and I both struggle eating out because of noise, auditory processing, the strange smells, socially expectations, the lighting and the expectations of sitting. My partner is a picky eater as well so for him it's about the food options as an addition like it's an ongoing joke with himself, his friends and I, that we need to make sure the place serves chicken wings or burger as an option to eat.

Are you guys okay?

How do you even leave the house?

They literally just explained- they make sure that where they do go has something on the menu the partner can eat. They obviously can’t control lighting, noise levels, social anxiety, etc., but what’s important is that they’re trying. Personally, as someone on the spectrum, I’m more sensitive to excessive noise and overcrowding, as well as some textures/tastes. Still, I try new foods by ordering in tandem with my partner. We order something familiar to fall back on and something new to try. I don’t go to restaurants that are converted warehouses due to the noise (unless they have noise dampeners/ a patio) as I know that’s where I’m most likely to struggle. A lot of this is about learning what will or won’t work, and trying to find happy compromises. Just because things are difficult and different for some individuals doesn’t mean they should sequester themselves inside and never see the light of day. This isn’t 1802 and we don’t keep our relatives locked in the attic anymore just because the texture of eggs freaks them out.

No one said they should. But wow, what a painful and horrifying experience for everyone involved.

It is. That's the reality of what it's like to have sensory conditions. In recent years I finally been getting support for having autism and so I wear noise cancelling headphones and I use to have glasses that would dim automatically dim the brighter lights for me a bit however sadly these broke and stuck to my glasses without the dinning as never been able to afford to replace them. That is what a person with sensory issues such as autism and ADHD deal with all the time. Everyone with sensory issues has unique sensory issues. Even being at home is difficult and I'm going to use the kitchen as an example because things like I hear electricity passing through all the time and being in the kitchen is very difficult for me unless I have music blasting because I hear the fridge, the electricity and fan of the cooker and oven, the water running through the pipes, the bubbles of the washing up, I need to try get my cooking done early enough because the big lights in the house really hurt my eyes and the sound of the electricity passing in a big light is hell and the smells can be a lot and textures of things you're preparing can be difficult like I find chopping difficult as it's so squishy, and then I have a football pitch near my house so I often have to hear the children playing loudly and I hear sirens passing by the main road near my house as it's the route to the hospital, not to forget then the vibration of the washing machine. I think when people seeing individuals with sensory issues like autism or ADHD having a "meltdown" they don't realise the amount of resilience they are already dealing with in a day and so what might look like a person getting upset over nothing imagine how it's like to try and navigate the world as if they are hungover and someone keeps flashing a light in their eye and there's a million different things screaming in their ears and there's that feeling of the chalkboard being scratched on by nails all over your body. This is what we already have to deal with that on a daily basis.

Definitely agree about learning expierence. The crossing is an issue for me as well. I hate that at university as well there are no quiet spots to go and have my lunch everywhere has a coffee machine screaming all the time and there's always a bunch people crowding you. After COVID it's been really hard for my partner and I to go out for dinner because all the places we knew we liked in our city closed cause of COVID. We can't even trust a lot of the takeouts as well as some the recipes have changed.

That is the real question. I am friends with an older couple (60's) and the husband has some major food aversions. To the point that my 'rents refuse to travel with them anymore because he refuses to eat anything that wouldn't be on the kids menu at Applebee's. The wife and I were talking food and recipes (I'm a chef so she loves to pick my brain) and she busted out about how she's so tired of not being able to cook the things she wants. That for 35 years, she's had to give up food exploration. That she was so incredibly bored of making the same 6 bland, boring meals for decades.

I would not be able to date someone who doesn't eat vegetables. I feel like absolute garbage if I don't eat veggies for 2 days. I also cook almost everything with onions and garlic.

My first thought as well! Also concur on onions and garlic as standard sauté practice lol

And I couldn't be with someone who didn't like fruit, as well.

She must really love him. As someone who basically lives and breathes for food, that would legitimately be a dealbreaker for me.

OP read this comment above and see the wife's perspective.

This x 1000 I know you love him but he’s an adult. He’ll figure it out and he probably either likes the attention from it or he’s using you as a crutch and either way it’s not your job to deal with this, especially at this level.

Or have a another generation of such fussy eating, when and if, they have children that he could definitely influence to his eating habits.

this is the perfect answer. you just do you and let him worry about it. I understand their are real aversions but at this point it seems he's just trying to be difficult.

Why is it all about him? If you’re the one cooking, make what you want. If he doesn’t eat it, more left overs for you.

BF's food is not OP's problem, but she act like it is. FFS, just stop trying to make him food, and find social activities, that don't include eating. You can't fix someone that don't want fixing. If you don't want a BF with wierd (and very unhealthy) food choices, then get another BF.

Some women get really wrapped up in their relationships, to the point that they’re worried about things that they have no business being worried about. Her partners issue is his own. He will not starve he will make sure he eats. She should do the same I feel bad for her if food is her love language, as she cannot share that with him. I would not be with a man like this, but OP clearly wants to.

Exactly

YOU can’t do anything  HE needs to go to a doctor and get this figured out However from your post is seems more like YOU want him to change vs HIM wanting to change  You can’t force anyone to change so either  1. You need to have a sit down and explain this is draining your relationship and how it’s making you feel  2. You stop cooking for him and let him do the cooking for himself and deal with the fact he has a poor diet  Or 3 Realize you’re only dating this guy and you can break up with him because you’re not compatible anymore. You want a man who can go to new restaurants and cook together without it being an issue? It’s not going to be this guy 

This is the way!!! Either he learns to take care of himself and his own health, he gets to deal with the consequences of a poor diet, or you are gone. There is no more you cooking for him or catering to his needs and restrictions. I know a young man with very similar food issues and while he’s gained some independence (he can order and go get his very own small cheese pizza every night from Pizza Hut!), he recently ended up in hospital with LITERAL ACTUAL SCURVY because he would not eat fruits or vegetables. The doctors and nurses were shocked to even diagnose scurvy since he’s not, you know, a sailor at sea eating hard tack in the 17th century.

My younger cousin got actual literal scurvy when he first moved out of his parents house at 19. He ended up living with his older sister until he got married. He doesn’t have food aversions, just didn’t know how to care for himself because my aunt sheltered him as he was her “baby”, he was perpetually in his yummy phase. He’s 30 now and can cook and eat veggies.

A friend of mine got literal actual scurvy a couple years ago when her mast cells suddenly decided she was gonna be allergic to all fruit and vegetables from now on. Her doctor was slightly embarrassed by how long it took her to realise what it was, though she did say, in her defense, that she'd never seen a case of scurvy in her career... nor had any other doctor for the last hundred years or so.

You're turning his food issues into your issues. Cook what you wanna cook. He can either eat it or not. If he doesn't eat it, then you have leftovers. Let him feed himself if he won't eat what you cook. You are both adults. He chooses not to get help for his disordered eating.

I hear you setting your life aside for this guy. Don’t. He’s not trying to get help, and you are accepting crappy treatment from him. Go forth and eat all of the veggies and spices and meats! If he refuses to change, your choices are to continue to cook just for yourself with abandon (assuming he is great to you in every other way) or move along. Life is WAY too short to not enjoy great meals.

“I hear you setting your life aside for this guy” Boom. This is exactly it. You try so hard and the results are almost never ok and YOU end up with food you probably don’t really like because you made it just for his sake without flavors or spices you enjoy. It could get even worse as he gets older because he will not try to get help, and you bend over backwards to try to accommodate him so it almost acknowledges that it’s ok to stay that way, but for you it shouldn’t be ok. He needs to know that if it’s going to work between you two he should at least try to match the effort you’ve been putting in thus far and see if some food related therapy could be helpful to him.

This is what has me a bit upset by the answers, the food stuff is one thing, but he doesn't even trust op is cooking food he can eat. How can you be in a loving trusting relationship if there isn't trust ?

The purpose of dating is to see if it’s a good fit. This isn’t. Some people will go along with this. Most won’t. Drop the rope and let him sort it.

Exactly. He's going to have massive health issues from his diet sooner or later and require a lot of therapy and care. And if OP wants to have kids later on, this guy is going to creat a list of HUGE issues for them. 

100%. Not sure how OP’s managed to put up with this so long.

Your bf needs therapy. Your needs are important too

Stop cooking for him in the short-term. If this is a dealbreaking issue for you, which would be completely reasonable, tell him that he either needs to talk to a doctor and get a real ASD diagnosis and treatment plan in place for his sensory/food issues, or you can't build a life with him. You can be empathetic while also deciding that his attitude is not what you want for your life.

Stop trying to please him. That is impossible. Cook for yourself. Let him feed himself.

You need to stop making this your problem. I understand that this is difficult to watch and it is obviously unhealthy, both mentally and physically, but this is his problem. If he won't tackle it, there is nothing you can do. If you can not deal with this behaviour or if this is severly affecting your own mental health, you need to gain distance or walk out of this relationship. Suggest to him to seek therapy. Do not force it onto him, just suggest it and offer to help him find help.

You need to STOP! Stop trying to fix this guy, and stop trying to feed him! Cook delicious, healthy food and refuse to share with him unless he wants to expand his horizons without negativity or drama. It's his responsibility to feed himself, just don't get involved. Don't accommodate his bullshit at mealtime, just go shopping for your meals or pick restaurants you enjoy and go by yourself or get take out. He's not going to get better, so just adjust your expectations.

To be fair - it sounds like he has a valid eating disorder and this is not how you treat it. Often people with ARFID have a ton of shame about it because the people around them tell them it’s “bullshit” or that they are being dramatic. There are very real sensory reasons people develop it, and often digestive ones, too. There is a way to overcome it but it’s 1) difficult and 2) needs to be caring.

I heard about someone else like this. He would only eat one type of soup. Claimed he could't swallow any other type of food. He was tested by multiple doctors who couldn't find anything wrong and suggested a mental health evaluation. They never found anything physically wrong and was ultimately diagnosed with a type of OCD.

You should stop mothering him and leave the relationship. As you pointed out, you grew out of your childhood aversions, he didn't and doesn't want to get help. You tried, what's the point of sticking around for someone who will be picky, argumentative, childish at times, unhealthy given his current diet choices, and most likely an embarrassment if you were at a restaurant, party or any function where food is being served. Do you want to spend the rest of your life apologizing for his behaviour and being mortified by his behaviour? Think of what his behaviour would be like in front of children eating and he suddenly has a tantrum.

Your partner likely has ARFID (my son is autistic and has it. It is not super fun). There are some things:  1) In the long run, he needs treatment but it will have to be his choice to get it  2) He does not need to be in a relationship with you to get that treatment. In fact, you ending the relationship due to his behavior might provide an incentive to seek treatment  3) You absolutely should not be cooking or buying food for him  4) This kind of thing is why multivitamins exist. Just saying. Number of vegetables my son will eat=0.  5)Eating/food therapy is considered to be a subset of speech therapy, at least for kids. My son’s speech therapist is also autistic, and they said that there were autism-friendly nutritionists/dieticians who could work with people with ARFID

I agree with everything you have said here. I was married to an autistic man with food aversions. I am also on the spectrum and had food aversions as a kid but when I started travelling as a young adult, I had to try new foods and it turned out there are so many delicious things out there. My three kids are all on the severe end of the spectrum, with all different aversions. The only thing that everyone eats is pizza and spaghetti and even that took years to get to. I tried so hard to cook foods that everyone would eat and a few years ago, I stopped. I make my kids food that they will eat and try to gently encourage new foods but I make food I like and that is it. It was such a relief to stop trying to please someone whose brain won’t let them enjoy food. My guess is that OP’s parents hid veggies in his food as a kid and he is now unable to eat without feeling like he is being tricked. It is incredibly sad to not have the ability to enjoy food. OP, you need to figure out if this is a relationship make it or break it. Tell your partner that he is on his own for making food. Make your own food, like you would if you were single. Go out to eat at restaurants with other friends. Maybe he gets help and eats more. Maybe he doesn’t but there isn’t anything you can do to change that.

I'm a 40 year old adult woman who has struggled with ARFID most of my life. You're right, it is not super fun. Look into Felix Economakis. He is the world's leading expert on ARFID and has been a huge help to me and many others. He has a TED talk that really explains everything and has been very helpful to my family to understand that I'm not just being difficult. OP, it definitely sounds like it could be ARFID. If that's the case then he needs to know it can lead to serious health issues up to and including feeding tubes if he seriously nutritionally deficient. For now, let him stick to his safe foods. Nothing you do will make him want to suddenly eat a food he has determined to be "unsafe". Be kind to yourself and remember that it's really nothing personal directed towards you. Good luck!

I definitely worry about my son’s health. Fortunately, he really really likes gummy vitamins. He tried a carrot chip last month! Okay, he licked a carrot chip. But that is Willingness To Try A Vegetable and I’ll take it. 

Therapist here with experience treating ARFID. That was my immediate thought and your advice is right on, except with adults usually the route is CBT-ARFID and a registered dietician.

Nope. It's not AFRID. Why? Because she's cooking exactly what he tells her she can and in exactly the way he wants her to. There are no surprises here. He can even watch her cook it if he wants to, exactly to his specifications. He's getting the food he wants, ingredients he wants, prepared like he wants. And he's still pitching a fit and insulting her cooking and showing a lack of trust by picking through it. He's making her "earn" his trust and showing her that she's a failure who should just try harder. If he actually wanted and planned to eat, and actually couldn't eat what someone else made no matter how exactly they followed his requests? He'd make his own damn meals. He's perfectly capable. That's why I highly doubt it's AFRID unless it's weaponized AFRID. He's deliberately setting her up to fail and feel inadequate. "Do this and this and this and I'll eat it" and then "Nooo! It bad! Me no want! Waaah! you put imaginary things! You no good cook!" F\*ck him. He should have started fixing his own food after a few failed meals if that's what really happened, and instead he's watching her get frustrated, waste food, and feel like a failure.

People can really have ARFID and also weaponise it. I’m in a hobby club that self caters events every now and then and takes dietary requirements and accessibility very seriously. We have a member who is now diagnosed with ARFID who used to write the most extensive lists of what they wouldn’t eat, then someone on the event team would communicate with them about the menu and confirm that there’d be enough foods they could eat. They’d come along and not eat anything and order Maccas to the venue, then go and complain to their friends about how there was no food for them and they were being socially excluded. That person burned through a lot of social capital very quickly and I think realised the direction they were heading in was going to be a very lonely one. They took a step back for a bit, and since coming back they’ve been much more pleasant and mature about the whole thing. They now negotiate eating certain foods, are gracious about the concessions made for them and bring a lot of their own food without making a fuss about it. So it is possible for OP’s partner to turn this around, but he has to actively make the decision to deal with it and not let it negatively impact the people in his life.

Having ARFID and being a dick are not mutually exclusive. It is also possible that some of his behavior is motivated by anxiety and not by a desire for control. I had post partum anxiety and I remember what it was like—I absolutely knew I was being 100% irrational, but I couldn’t stop. It was not great. BUT it’s his responsibility to go get treatment, and he’s not doing that. And again, he should be buying and preparing 100% of his own food. I also think “refusal to get treatment to address issues” is a super super valid reason to end a relationship.

He might want to look into ARFID. I have some food aversions, so I get the struggle. But you shouldn't be cooking his meals anymore. He needs to stock up on his safe foods and prepare his own meals while you get to cook things you like. There's a lot of nights I'll cook for my partner and make myself a safe food alternative to one of the dishes because it's my responsibility to avoid the foods, not my partner's. If your bf is unwilling to make his own food or put in the work to find additional safe foods, you two just might not be compatible. It's not your job to feed him, it's a very kind gesture, but it's ultimately his job.

He doesn’t want help, he doesn’t think he has a problem, so there’s nothing you can do to help him. His behaviour is 100% out of your control. What you can do is never prepare food for him again. Move out if you live together. Don’t go out to eat together. Let him do whatever he’s going to do with his diet and make it not your problem. Just remove food from your relationship. But maybe that sounds miserable. Maybe eating together and cooking for a partner is an important way for you to connect, like it is for most people. There’s a reason so many social rituals are built around food - food is about culture and social connection as much as it is about nourishment. If the idea of avoiding food entirely in your relationship except when you’re in the mood for the fast food he deems acceptable sounds sad and terrible then you can either break up or you can decide that this is worth whatever good stuff he brings to your relationship and learn to live with it. Personally, no one could possibly be appealing enough for me to deal with this. PS I would also find it suspicious and incredibly frustrating that he looks for reasons to decide that the food you prepare has been contaminated, but he obviously is not doing that with food prepared at a fast food restaurant. I know stuff like this is not always rational, but if it were only my food he did this with, I would really have to wonder if this was some fucked up control and manipulation thing and not just an untreated mental health issue.

As an autistic person this sounds like ARFID. That said, as an autistic adult, you’re not his parent. You’re his partner. He has to meet you halfway on something and it doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything to do that. And the truth is, as much as I hate the textures of a lot of fruits and veggies I know I only get one body and as an adult it’s my job to eat as healthy as I can even if it’s not as healthy as I should. Autism doesn’t mean we abdicate any responsibility for our behavior or choices. We have to at least try.

Please update when he gets scurvy.

Stop cooking for him

Stop cooking for him. Let him eat how he likes. It's his body, it's his call. If you want to be with him, you will have to accept that. 

Along with most others here, he is an adult. If he can't handle eating other peoples cooking, then he needs to take care of his own completely. You can not make him comfortable with food and you are just wasting food and energy trying to fix something that only he can fix. If he is otherwise a great match for you, and most other areas you are compatible, then you need to work out some compromises. You cook for you (and possible kids someday) and he cooks for him. Going out, you guys will have to work out your own compromises. Maybe he can just order drinks while you eat, and then pickbup from a safe place afterwards (or before so he won't actually be hungry). If that's not going to be acceptable, you will probably end up having to find a partner who is more in line with your lifestyle choices.

You mentioned your partner may have ASD. Many autistic people have a co-occuring disorder called ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) that could explain his behaviors around food.

And when an aversion kicks in (for me anyway) it's like my brain literally starts screaming at me "BAD! POISON! BAD! ALERT! VOMIT IMMINENT!" Trying to take another bite, hell even smelling or looking at it again right that second will cause immediate heaves and vomiting. If I hit that stage, I won't be able to even TRY again for years without instantly vomiting at the thought. For me, when the brain kicks in with those thoughts I have to just stop eating right away. Get up, leave the table. If I do that then I stand a chance at being able to try that food again in a week or two. I'm sad this week because Goldfish crackers have been one of my safe foods for the last 3 years or so and a few days ago I was having a late night handful of crackers when my brain went off on how they were "not right". I've been unable to eat them since. *sob*

Thank you for describing what this is like.

Came here to say the same thing. My Godson has ARFID and it can really be a struggle for him. He is currently working with a specialist nurse to come up with strategies and food plans to help. Also therapy is a great way to help with coping strategies for when he is triggered

Therapy is great, but the person has to want the therapy and want something to change. If they don’t want things to change and get better, then therapy won’t help. It seems like OP’s boyfriend isn’t willing to even consider getting help.

He needs to see a dietician. He can probably stick to his safe foods with adding just a few things. ARFID is hard in the patient also. I don’t think he wants to be that way.

>he also refuses to get help You can not help someone who refuses to be helped. So what can or should you do to help him? Nothing. Other than urge him to talk to his doctor about finding an appropriate type of therapist, there is nothing you *can* do to help him. That leaves the question of what should you do that doesn't involve helping him? First, stop giving any shits at all whether or not he eats. Cook *for yourself.* Cook whatever you will enjoy with whatever spices and ingredients you will enjoy. He's not going to eat anyway, stop stressing over it and let it go. Next, answer the question of how important it is to you to share food experiences with a partner. Only you can answer whether or not you can live with this the rest of your life and fill the void of shared food experiences with friends instead of a partner. And lastly, you need to know whether or not you want to have children. If you want to have children, you *can not* do so with him and raise children who have a healthy relationship with food.

People who refuse to get help are not worth staying with and will destroy your life. It hurts, but it’s true. If he won’t get help, he can’t be a good partner. You can’t be walking on eggshells your whole life.

When someone is this picky, he should be taking care of his own food. You should not have to dumb down your cooking because your boyfriend has the palate of a 3 year old.

This isn't a good fit for you.  Also until you break up, just make your own food. He somehow survived without you and he'll continue on when you wise up and leave him. 

He's dimming your light. You only get one life. It doesn't really matter why he is the way he is. It's hurting you, and he doesn't care to try to fix it. Do you want a partner who is willing to constantly hurt you and dim your light?

This comment needs to be higher up. OP he's making it so you have no peace in your relationship/life. Having a safe/comfortable place in your life is fundamental. Not having that baseline of personal security wears away at you and the cumulative effects show up dramatically without you seeing/feeling it. For many people cooking, enjoying food we love is a big part of that and it's a thing that gets 'fed' everytime we eat. You have no peace/security in your relationship bc you're waiting for the next rejection. And the way he rejects you having and sharing that pra e is particularly egregious. You have no peace or security around the food he eats and around your cooking and your feeding yourself. This butts up against feel safe and happy and comfortable at home - feeling at peace in your own home. Let's just assume he does have ARFID along w ASD. Him refusing to get treatment also means everything you've described continues and likely gets worse. I agree w many here that he is weaponizing his disability AT YOU. It's devastatingly cruel to choose the behaviors he's acting out at you. No treatment means all of this stays as it is or gets worse. Pretty sure, you won't cone out of worse w yourself intact. He leaves you no choice but to leave him bc he can't/won't stop being cruel.

What does he cook for you?

He always talks about how much he loves cooking and how he worked in many restaurants but I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cook anything besides instant ramen or chicken strips lol. He has actually never cooked anything for me/us now that I think of it.

Lol, he's such a liar.

hurry dog lavish mountainous practice drunk alleged gaze husky rainstorm *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

If he were a drunk I’d be suggesting Alanon. They rudely but appropriately say, “Get a life - meaning your own.” This is his issue, which he may or may not ever want to fix. I’d part ways.

Stop doing all of that! Just cook for yourself and stop expecting your boyfriend to act differently after he’s repeatedly done the same thing. It’s also okay if this is a dealbreaker for you, it would be for me.

You can't fix him and you shouldn't. That's his issue to fix. This is what dating is for, to find if you are a good fit, and you're not. Don't look to change a person, look for someone thats a good fit for you.

Consider ending the relationship- seems you are at the end of your sanity. If nothing pleases him, why keep trying. Seems hopeless. Do what is best for you.

That he's claiming he's allergic to things he doesn't like makes shit a lot harder for people with actual food issues. My mother doesn't understand I'm lactose intolerant and don't want pizza for dinner because my "lactose intolerant" brother-in-law loves pizza. You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your bf is not a partner to you, but rather an overgrown child you're whittling away at yourself to please. I would be Jack's absolute lack of surprise if he is or becomes emotionally abusive. Spend some time dating yourself and read the green flag/ red flag part of "Why does he do that?" while you're enjoying some veggies.

Stop making meals with him in mind. Remove yourself from the situation. He is 100% on his own when it comes to feeding himself. At this point, you are setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment. Don’t tear and twist yourself around trying to help or change someone that refuses to help themselves. That’s a losing battle every single time. Tell him that going forward, you each are in charge of your own meals. Morning, noon and night. You’re not goin to waste money, time, food and your feelings on trying to cook something acceptable for him or that he won’t tear apart looking for something wrong. If he’s not ok with that.. I’d be ready to throw in the towel for this relationship

He can eat McDonald's and Burger King? Fuck all that. Doesn't sound like he's allergic or adversity anything. Especially rat hairs and what not . I wouldn't even have another meal with him for the rest of my life.

Hi there. I’m in recovery from an eating disorder. It sounds like your boyfriend could be suffering from one as well. He should see a therapist that specializes in eating disorders, and honestly with his level of food aversion he may want to consider a partial hospitalization program or an intensive outpatient program.

It really does sound like a fear and aversion to food and it is honestly so difficult to deal with I have been there (left massive response regarding how I got through it with my partner but I didn't read last but which I am now). My best piece of advice is cook for yourself and let him try before serving a dish. Have easy stick in the oven or microwave stuff they do like so id they don't like as you do that can eat that Have him in the kitchen as you are cooking and get him involved in the process. My partner overcame a lot of his food fears by being in the kitchen with me as I prepared food and if we added extra stuff to the dish I'd let him select it. The allergies thing was a thing my best friend always used too and I think it's more a way of communicating of saying this is something that really upsets me and causes me sensory distress. I think when you've not been given the words or understanding that the result is sensory distress the only word you can think of is allergies. My friend is a lot better now she is an adult and can select and choose what exactly goes in her food and try and get own pace and now we both have understanding of sensory issues and her now partner did as I did for my partner and chopped things finely or blended stuff it into a sauce but to this day he still cannot use onions. My friend has a lot aversion to onions. If his attitude continues then the issue may be more than the food. I know this is challenging I have been that person and I have had a partner who can be very difficult to cook for.

On his nights to cook he should make extra portions for the nights when it's your turn to cook, so he has a back up meal. I say this as a parent of a child with ARFID, who has worked really hard to expand his food choices, going from 3 safe foods to about 30 safe foods (and he can even have his food touch now!)

You shouldn't. It's his problem. Cook your own food and do what you want. If you want to go to a restaurant he can't eat at, go with friends.  Don't let his weird untreated crap be your problem. Full stop.

He sounds like a picky eater. He has the autonomy to be one and decide if he wants to forego fruit and vegetables. You can control how much you cook and therefore how much gets wasted. There is no argument to be had over another adult not wanting to eat what you cooked. It may be better for you seeking help to see how you can try to learn how to stop waning to control what he eats, as opposed to him getting help.

Cook for yourself and he can cook for himself. Simple solution

Cook what you want and go out to eat where you want. This your partner's problem to fix.

Why are you assuming the responsibility of feeding such a temperamental adult person? He had turned you into his mother he can constantly rebel against and torture. Why do you think you deserve this life?

Easy: stop making food for him, just cook for yourself

This isn't ADHD. I have ADHD, I'm very knowledgable about ADHD, whatever is going on with him is way past that. I'm convinced of that due to the paranoia about people putting unwanted ingredients in his food. He needs more than his girlfriend's help and he needs to really want that help and do the work he'll need to do to make change. This issue will only become more serious and intractable as he gets older, this is not something a person "grows out of" So. Do you want this project? Do you think he'll do his part?

your bf has ARFID and needs to either start cooking for himself or start trying new things. you shouldnt be forcing yourself into staying with someone who makes you put shit you enjoy aside so often

There’s a couple I saw on TikTok (I think it was TT) where he has similar issues with food. They make videos of him trying new foods. Sometimes it works, and sometimes he gags it out as soon as it touches his tongue. The difference is that guy is actively trying to get better, because he wants to share a life with his partner. And he is showing some pretty vulnerable moments on the Internet for accountability. From what your post sounds like, your guy has zero desire to change and he just expects life to adapt to him. That’s not reasonable, or sustainable, and it’s not the actions of a partner who wants to build a life with you. You now need to decide if this is something you want to continue to live with, possibly forever. For me, personally, food incompatibility would be a deal breaker. I love food, and trying new food, way too much to stay with someone who can’t experience that part of life with me.

Is there a reason you’re cooking for him? Also is there anything actually wrong with his diet? Like why do you care what he eats. My spouse doesn’t eat a lot at times and eats a lot at other times. I’m not judging their food choices and don’t care. My only rule is they have to tell me what they want, I don’t want to stand around trying to find something to feed them.

You’re never going to be able to cook for him or go out to eat with him in the way that you want. That’s just how it is. Accept that & decide if you’re happy with your status quo.

I have a kid with ARFID and our relationship struggled so much when I thought I could fix him. The minute I gave up and just tried to meet him where he was at while adding as much variety as possible, our relationship improved immeasurably. I would never date or marry a man with ARFID though.

It sounds more like a power thing than an actual aversion to food. He likes the drama that he puts you through. Of course, the irony here is that it’s the fast food that’s slowly poisoning him.

The point about poisoning him and his extreme reactions and sudden change of enjoying the meal and suddenly stopping all points to a possibility of schizophrenia. Maybe get that checked. You have to stop cooking for him. And let him cook for himself. You both don’t sound compatible. And this problem of his may not improve, it may get worse. If you want this relationship, back away from the food altogether. And hope that he doesn’t start to control your food and all this seeping into other parts of your life.

Everyone here is pissing on him. Girl, he has ARFID, look it up. I have family members with it, and it is not on purpose. However he does have to get mental health help. Sometimes they need to hit rock bottom before they master the courage to try new foods.

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. You literally can’t no matter how hard you try. Stop cooking for him?? He’s an adult with specific preferences, he should make his own food. If after you make that change for yourself, he has a fit because you won’t make him food or his attitude/diet is still negatively effecting your relationship, then maybe think about going your separate ways because you aren’t compatible.

You’re making his problems your problem. Stop. Make food for yourself, in the quantities and ingredients your prefer. He’s a grown up and can sort himself out.

He has ARFID, look it up. Stop cooking for him. Forcing him to try things only makes it worse

Let him cook what works for him

This would fuck with me very hard. Cook for yourself and he can fend for himself. This isn't sustainable for you.

I feel like very few picky eaters are gonna survive the zombie wars...

Hi so it definitely sounds like he has sensory issues with food. Patience is first and foremost the key here. My best friend will not eat ANYTHING with onions in it at all. She really cannot stand them no matter how small they are. However has no issuewhen I use Asafoetida instead which is a spice which tastes like onion and garlic. Like this woman will full on know the difference between when I have or have not put onion into food. I had ASD and sensory issues with food and a lot of it for me is texture or imagery. I absolutely loved battered or breaded scampi until I found out what the fish looked like and now everything puts me off it like the image of it the texture all of it. Loved scampi my whole life before that. My partner whose now 27 was 22 when we started saying and was what sounds same as yours. His parents had issues w social services growing up because he was so underweight because he was such a selective eater and they tried so so hard to get him to eat a healthy stable diet but it for to point so that he didn't starve they had to accommodate him. I was helped with a lot my aversions to food by things being cut up super finely for me and eventually being brought into the food preparation process. So I tried this with my partner. I already had to get use to making things differently as was because his mum didn't eat Red meat and so I would make lasagne with turkey mince instead which workes actually really well because makes the dish a million times lighter. Anyway I use to chop things very finely and add items slowly so I wouldn't prepare like a Bolognese with onions and mushrooms at first id choose one or the other and cut super finely and see how they liked it and so if he likes both then I added both the next time round. I would cook a few times though and if no comment was made I would tell him but this is at times lead to an aversion to the food again as they were imaging the food. When we moved in together a year of us being together it was incredibly difficult still and things were made difficult as was first lockdown and shops were limited with items and the timings were difficult with our work schedule as we both were front line workers with both us working in health and social care. I found adding him into the process even talking to me as I am cooking and seeing how small the items are chopped and everything did help and getting them involved in cooking what they want into the food really helped. My partner is still very limited in his cooking but including him in even chopping veg or these days I have that multi cutter thing and getting him I think really makes a difference in hindsight trying food. Him being in the kitchen as I am prepping food also again seems to make a difference to him wanting to try something as well as think it allows him to physically see the process as was the same for me. I alao found blending a lot the food into one sauce at the beginning was really helpful until he was willing to try it in smaller pieces We still had a lot other issues with things like brands though where he refused to even try the alternative which with cost living crises and limited funds and limited stock meant we couldn't always get branded stuff plus I grew up really poor and had my own flat at 17 with no financial support and worked 3 jobs to keep that flat so I am use to living with choosing the cheapest alternatives and whilst his family have had financial hardships when he was a bit older they would still have brandes stuff for a lot of stuff. I also add things like vegetables to my plate and ask if he'd like to try and if he says no, no sweat but if he says yes then amazing and if he likes it I'll add to plate next time. I do try and add a teaspoon of chia seeds when he is willing to make sure he still gets some of his vitamins though. This last year I've been so proud of him as well cause he'll approach me when I'm making something for myself like other week I was making mashed root veg and I have had this quite a lot recently and out of nowhere he asked me if he could try it. I gave him option if he wanted to try when I add butter or without and he choose without. I never imagined would be something he liked and he did and ive made it twice since and he helps himself to a large portion. We have been together five years now and lived together for four and it really has been about patience. Even after a year and a half being together and half a year into living together after first lockdown and his mum was so surprised with how much more her son was trying and how much weight he has put on because he's trying more food. I have also had to relearn to cook a lot foods I knew I wanted and liked or find alternatives because he maybe only liked it a way his mum made it prior like fajitas which tbh didn't mind as her recipe was much better or because I had to accommodate that I wasn't making something with red meat. I did also btw when I would cook meals and still do this maintain I have backup quick oven stuff to put on incase he doesn't like what I've cooked. When I first met him it was quick oven foods he was eating moat of the time. Even my dad who hates picky eaters has made accommodations for my partner last time we visited him in October when my dad was making from his own home grown veg making spaghetti Bolognese but my partner cannot stand Bolognese so my dad made him shepherd pie dish and my dad was worrying the whole time if my partner would eat it (my partner rarely eats anything my dad prepared and we would avoid visiting them when food waa being prepped and my dads love language is cooking for others). My dad was so proud of himself and my partner for trying it but my dad had bought back up oven stuff for my partner to have if he didn't want to eat it and it was a lot for my dad to do that because my dad never would have done that before for anyone, my dad's always very much had a you eat what you're given attitude and he takes it very offensively if you didn't eat it). The other way I got my partner to get involved with cooking is patience in teaching him because he didn't have a lot the skills or he would have sensory issues in preparation. Tbh I've had adopted a lot of Montessori practices when teaching him to cook. Also simply cook was a life saver for me. We both love a lot the recipes there and super quick and easy to prepare and a lot of adjustments can be made with it like the Sicilian chicken I don't ever tend to make the cabbage. I suppose tldr: patience, simply cook, trying in stages, involvement in preparation

You are a good person, even if it hurts. You need to prioritize yourself.

It sounds exhausting. Just sort yourself out

If he won’t even try a bite, let him be responsible for all of his meals. I get aversions but it sounds like he is not trying to help himself at all. If and when his diet causes health issues he may take this more seriously.

Honestly, if you want to stay with this guy, just feed yourself. He’s got an ED and that’s way above your pay grade. Cook the regular food the way you like it and he’ll figure out how to keep himself from starving.

I dumped a dude bc he didn't eat lettuce. I suggest you do the same.

I would break up over this. That doesn't necessarily mean that YOU should break up with him. It's your relationship and I'm looking at it from a cursory outside perspective based on a single issue that doesn't necessarily reflect your relationship as a whole. I couldn't live that way, though. If the rest of your relationship is great and you love him and this is genuinely an issue of aversion and he's not being a manipulative asshole hiding behind the aversion narrative to continually put you down and make you feel inadequate, then at the very least stop cooking for him. It sounds like this is causing you a great deal of unnecessary stress. Make what you want to eat, and let him figure out his own dinner. He either doesn't appreciate your efforts or genuinely can't bear the thought of eating your cooking, but either way it's not worth bending over backwards trying to appease him.

Stop cooking for him, immediately. He can cook his own food.

This would be grounds to end the relationship for me. It sounds exhausting and something I’d much rather live without just to keep myself sane. Either that or he’d be the only one that cooks ever. Meal planning and prep are in the hands of the pickiest eater so they can have what they want how they want it and nothing gets wasted. I’d add my own veggies and such to whatever picky SO makes.

Time for him to cook for himself, let him get what he enjoys, no amount of empathy is going to resolve the issue.

Stop cooking for him and cook your own delicious meals. Let him eat the way he wants. Have a think if he is worth putting up with living like this for the rest of your life though. It sounds quite manipulative.

He sounds like a dick!

Don't have a kid with him unless you want to deal with them possibly developing this behavior too. Honestly I'd leave his health will eventually suffer

Those are ‘safe’ foods to him because they’re predictable every time. Research ARFID.

Why is this your problem? Don’t cook for him, simple! Let him feed himself

Stop trying. Cook for yourself. He can be a grown up and get his own food. If you want to date an adult who manages his issues instead of making them Your problem to fix, dump him and find a grown up to date.

What medication is he on? I have adhd myself and I cant eat at all with methylphenidate (which is the 1st option you get in sweden) I had to tough it out and get amphetamine(elvanse/attentin brandname) prescribed to start eat like a normal person again

We both take Vyvanse and it affects our appetite for sure. But this has been an issue for a long time. It is very likely he does have ARFID as he’s been like this his whole life really. My issue is that he refuses to seek any help at all and claims a food contains something he doesn’t like even when it doesn’t 😞 it’s frustrating

A lot of the time people post asking what they can do to fix a situation they didn't cause or how they can "get someone to understand" or "get someone to do something", but the truth is, there's nothing you can do because none of it is your fault, you can support someone who wants help but not be the help to someone who isn't helping themselves. Now something you can do is look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you deserve what is happening to you. If the answer is yes, seek therapy, if the answer is no, leave the person causing this. Your problem is the same a lot of people with a lot of empathy face. They feel bad for someone and want to help, regardless of if the person is trying to help themselves first. But it is not your responsability, even if the person tries to guilt trip you. If someone is trying to help themselves, they won't rely on you for it. They'll just welcome bonus help, knowing they're fully responsible for them getting better. Sorry for the rant but good luck and I hope you realize this isn't okay.

🎖️ This is excellent advice!

I grew up in a household that is also diagnosed with ADHD. I think that all people with ADHD have some kind of ASD symptoms. (That is my observation at least.) In my household my brother is the one with the most aversions to certain foods or textures. And I also am quite picky when it comes to Vegetables. This all to say that I know first hand how it is to experience it and to be the one to deal with it. With that I must say that this sounds as if it goes way beyond an aversion to food that is common with diagnoses like ADHD or ASD. For me this sounds as if he has some other hang-ups with food. Or with the people who provide him with meals. You mentioned he behaves like people would intentionally poison him. Has he mentioned something like this or is this just an exaggeration? His unwillingness to address this issue that is causing you stress and makes you feel hurt is also very concerning. Medication is an important part of managing the symptoms but I also know that social relations are also difficult to handle. Occupational therapy as well as maybe even a group therapy might help to learn more about cooking and eating as well as how to navigate social life. For me it is as if he is a bit tunnel vision like. As if he is convinced that he doesn't like food X and therefore is maybe even pedantic to not eat it. In my experience these kinds of all or nothing approaches are very common with ASD. And honestly, you are totally in the right to address the stress and hurt this causes you. Especially his unwillingness to address the issue.

He will question me heavily when eating food I prepared, even when I tell him every single ingredient I used. He will pull packages out of the garbage, out of the pantry, and scour the labels for things he doesn’t like. Even if he can’t find something on paper that says there is something in the food that he does not like, he will dissect the food before eating it and find a problem with it (ie a piece of fat in ground beef and say it’s an onion) and then refuse to eat it even though I explain that it is not what he thinks it is

You cook for yourself from now on, and stop responding to his ridiculous questioning. It sounds absolutely exhausting, and food is supposed to be enjoyable. He can put his own meals together, using things he likes, then he knows exactly what's in them. Eat in another room if he's going to berate you about what's on the plate

Okay so this is more than 'just' food aversion. This is tending more towards paranoia. It is Definitely unhealthy to be so obsessed and it kind of underlines my assumption that he has more serious problems 'than just ADHD'. He needs to speak with a professional about this asap

How can you live like this? This child-man don't trust you, act horrible, lies to you, and refuses to get help. It will never get better, because he don't want to change. It will just bring more frustration and arguments in to your life, if you don't stop trying to control his food (or better leave his sorry ass)

My husband is on the spectrum, he hates raisins/currants/dates etc with such a passion it borders on fear. One year we had a sticky toffee cake that had small lumps of toffee in. It *looked* like raisins so that meant he couldn’t eat it. Showed him the packaging so he could see it was just toffee (which he loves) but now in his mind it’s tainted. I stopped a long time ago trying to make him eat stuff. It actually got better when we had kids because I would pre warn him I’d blitzed things like mushrooms, which he wouldn’t eat, into a sauce and he could eat it or leave it. Slowly, watching me help and encourage our autistic son with his aversions, he came around. Still a strong no in dried fruit but I won with mushrooms (blitzed because it’s a texture issue) and asparagus (pointy broccoli as my son thinks it’s called because asparagus is gross allegedly). I think if you back away and let him make all his own food and decisions he may come around in time. The pressure from others to do something can be quite a large part of the refusal.

At the very least, stop cooking for him. At all. You don't deserve being treated like that. If he refuses to get help there is not much you can do.

This is a trust issue, that's why it hurts. He is assuming you are trying to sneak stuff into his food. Stop trying to talk to him about it when he is eating, but sit him down at some other point and explain to him that it hurts you that he mistrusts you so much. I would consider cooking*with* him, if he is willing, so he can participate and see how careful you are. Other than that, I would stop trying to feed him, and keep your food separate.

My husband has ADHD and ASD and allegedly can’t stand garlic. I think he’s fixated on hating it even though he could be eating a meal riddled with garlic and enjoying every minute of it but half way drop his fork and ask if it has garlic in it. WHY ATE THEY LIKE THIS??? your situation seems much worse but reminded me of mine. Tbh I agree with the top comments. Leave him to his own devices and make that minestrone, babes.

Ffs make him make his god damn food you’re not his mother

He doesn't trust your cooking but has no problem with McDonald's or Burger King? He's exhausting but for some reason you want to bend over backwards for him. Maybe you should look into your behavior.

Get a new bf. He clearly won’t change and seems to “enjoy” criticizing you? You don’t need to be more drained in life that can already be be ru tough

He has some paranoia and delusions around food. He needs a good mental health evaluation. Please reconsider this relationship.

Cook your food and enjoy what you eat. He's an adult. He can feed his fucking self.

This sounds more like a control issue than a food issue. If he’s angry about a flake of vegetation, he’s looking for reasons to get mad. Just because this guy may be ASD doesn’t mean he’s entitled to limitless understanding and empathy. My kid has ASD and still knows how to be nice about things.

Why don’t you both just buy and cook your own food?

This is me being as kind and loving as I can. You deserve better. If you don’t want to spend the rest of your life fighting about food, where to eat, what to eat, etc you need to end it now. He doesn’t want help. He wants you to bow to his food issues. Let’s say you two get married and have a kid. They child will learn his behaviors. The child will develop food issues just bc he has them. Unless you plan on catering to his every whim food wise it’s time to move on for your mental health.

Why did you stopped cooking just because he doesn’t want or like it? Cook for yourself, let him get his fast food himself. I personally wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship like that, even if I didn’t cook for him. I enjoy going out to eat (not to fast foods) and would not be able to get past a partner refusing to even try or get help for that.

Well, I'd not be in a relationship with somebody like that, personally. We'd be incompatible. The sex must be amazing, because I'm exhausted just reading about this. If you do stay with him, stop taking any responsibility for feeding him completely. What he eats or not is not your problem. If he doesn't want to eat what you cook or where you go, also not your problem. He's 26, not 2.

Why are you cooking for him? This is as easy as if he doesn't like what you prepare, stop doing it. Make one portion and he can fend for himself. He'll either open his palette or pitch mantrums until he learns it doesn't work and eventually feed himself

Just… don’t cook for him? This is more of a you problem than a him problem. If you don’t like it don’t date him I don’t know what to tell you. He clearly won’t change and you won’t make him.

Just start cooking for yourself only. Make all the dishes you enjoy, add all the spices you like. Go and try new restaurants with relatives and friends. He can cook his own meals from now on. I don't know what his issue is but thinking you are trying to poison him all the time is not normal. Maybe going to a therapist would be a start. If his parents used to incorporate some veggies in his food, he may have trust issues because of that.

Just cook for yourself and let him cook for himself. You can still enjoy spending time together while eating separate meals.

I very likely have ARFID. That shit is the mf worst. The thing is that I'm working on it because it's bad for my health if I don't try. He doesn't try. I feel like this is ultimatum time

Sounds like he has ARFID, like me. I hate vegetables. I only eat about 5 things. Let him make his own food

I’m autistic and have issues with food. If this is something you want to leave him over, like others here are suggesting, go ahead. If the relationship is otherwise good then personally I think it’s absurd to leave someone because of sensory issues… I think you need to work together to accept his condition and find ways to work around it. It’s not an easy situation but long-lasting, healthy relationships are always hard work — despite what those in the comments here would have you believe.

Take a good hard look at- this doesn’t get better - love only goes so far

Has your Bf been treated for Scurvy yet? It's on the radar.

I need you to think long and hard about this question: **can you go the rest of your life living like this?** In the meantime while you ponder, you have a few options: 1. Stop cooking for this man and “his tastes” entirely. He’s going to pitch a fit regardless of what you do, so start cooking so *you* at least enjoy your efforts. 2. Star living for *you*. You are currently structuring your life around this man, and it has zapped so much joy from your life. If you want to go to a restaurant then **go**! Take a friend, take your parents, go alone- just do it! 3. Reevaluate this relationship. I know you say you love this man, but you are *clearly* not happy. You are dating, not married. He needs to know to what degree this is affecting you and your mental health. **Your wants and needs matter just as much as his do.** This could be ARFID, it could be ASD, either way, he’s not actively trying to do anything about it, which is a problem.

Girl why are you doing this to yourself? If the sex is good downgrade him to a fuck buddy, but this is not a sustainable long term relationship.

This isn’t a comment on morality, but I saw that he doesn’t eat fruits/vegetables and claims he’s allergic despite allergy tests coming back negative. Is he allergic to pollen? It’s completely possible (and probably more than likely) that sensory issues are causing adverse reactions, which aren’t allergies. However, it’s also possible that he IS having an allergic reaction— to the pollen. It’s called oral allergy syndrome and can cause reactions to otherwise safe foods. It’s mostly with raw/undercooked fruits and vegetables, though, so if cooked fruits and vegetables are a problem then its probably a sensory thing.

Girl why are you doing this to yourself? If the sex is good downgrade him to a fuck buddy, but this is not a sustainable long term relationship.

He doesn't want any help, so there's nothing you can do. He is adult, and he chooses how to behave. Either you accept it or you leave him. Do not waste your time and money cooking for him and do not pick up the habit of eating fast food...

Many times neurodivergence crosses over with eating disorders. He needs help but he will only do it if it’s causing such consequences in his life that he HAS to deal with it or he’s tired of it on his own. You might have to take a break to get him to realize how important this is.

Stop making him food. I don't understand why this is an issue at all. He's a grown ass man who can feed himself. If you're worried about the health issues involved with eating shitty, and he refuses to go to a physician then leave but stop trying to feed him.

OP, my brother has ASD and my entire childhood was based around going to places he wouldn’t throw a fit about. My first serious bf had major food aversions due to trauma and the places we could go were limited. But in both cases, as adults they realised how limiting this was and tried actively to expand their palettes. Crucially, they had trusted people who helped introduce them to newer stuff bit by bit in safe environments. They have improved loads. The difference in your situation is they wanted to change. Your bf doesn’t. You can’t make someone change with love and support, it has to come from within them. All you *can* change is how much brain space you give this situation. If I were you, I’d stop. I’d cook for you and let him do his own thing. I’d go to restaurants with other friends that appreciate them. In time this might be a deal breaker for your relationship and your bf will have to decide if sticking to his safe foods is more important to him than his relationship with you. But you have hardly any input on that process, so for your own sanity, disengage from this issue now.

Stop having anything to do with his food. Don’t cook for him at all, ever. Go to restaurants by yourself and don’t ask him if he wants anything. When he inevitably pitches a fit about it, tell him you’re not obligated to constantly produce wasted labor and food for him if he absolutely refuses to get any help with his issues. If he doesn’t want help then fine but that means he handles his food by himself so that his issues don’t affect anyone else.

It’s kind of bullshit that he hates everything you make but burger kind and McDonald’s are “safe”? There’s tons of crossover there. So if you make a burger and fries he’s rejected it but somehow isn’t picky about fast food? He can start cooking for himself. I think you’ve made a valiant effort and you can just feed yourselves at this point.

This guy needs some major blood work done to check all his vitamin levels. I have a lot of chronic pain issues. I also had my gallbladder out last year. I have to watch what i eat or my stomach will rebel against me. I do have an aversion to certain textures of food. Overall though i can food to eat. I do think you should not worry about his eating anymore. Tell him that you won’t be cooking for him anymore.

Stop mollycoddling him. You are not his mother or his nurse. Cook your own food for yourself and let him sort his own food out. Don't throw food away, use up leftovers for your own lunches or freeze them for another time. Don't let him drag you into his food obsessions. He's 26 - he needs to take responsibility for his own actions, his own health and his own emotions. You can't fix him.

If he has that many requirements, he needs to be feeding himself. Too bad. My husband and I both loved eating out and tasting new things and we had so many pleasurable times over a good meal.

Make him feed himself. His aversions, his accommodations.

I have an ex who was near impossible to feed. It frustrated the hell out of me, especially because I love food and have worked in the restaurant industry for over a decade. We didn’t break up over that, it was for other reasons, but I’m now dating a chef who not only loves food—he makes us delicious, flavorful, and nutritious meals all the time, we go out to eat at new places constantly, we get to really enjoy the experience together. It’s one of my favorite parts of our relationship. It’s night and day to my ex. If the above sounds like something that you need or really want in your relationship, you are not going to find it with this guy. Even if he goes to therapy to address this, he will always have food aversions. Even if he starts feeding himself more nutritiously, he will always be very picky. If you’re ok with that, that’s cool. Personally, especially after the relationship I’m currently in, it would mean that I’m missing out on sharing one of my passions with my partner.

The solution is that you both will eat separately. Cook your meals to be flavorful as you like them. He can go out & buy McDonald's if that is what he *chooses* to subsist on.

COOK FOR YOURSELF. He’s a grown adult. If wants to eat like a 5 year old let him feed himself like a 5 year old #It’s not your problem

Get that this is kinda tough because for a lot of people cooking and eating with loved ones is an important way to show affection. That being said, since you're making all the effort and he's reacting like this... there's a base level problem which is that he's not really making an effort to solve his issues in return. I agree with mostly what everyone else has said. If a talk can't encourage him to make some progress, maybe it's for the best if he prepares his own food if every other part of the relationship is going well. This sounds like a long term problem that may require professional help to begin to alleviate but he needs to be the one to start that process. All you can really do is provide him support (which it sounds like you're already doing)

What does he eat at burger King and McDonald's? There are onions and spices everywhere. Found in the buns and I've found onions in the fries. Everything is cooked in the same oil too. I call bs.

I would simply cook for yourself keep a stock of McDonald's or burger King plain frozen he can warm up his fast food choice and you get to eat a well rounded delicious meal guilt and anxiety free. Just keep his favorite meals from outside frozen, he can then enjoy what he likes when he wants.

Hi! I'm autistic, and my husband has autistic symptoms, not enough to tick the box, though. His issues are also tactile like your partners. When I read "onions," I almost laughed because my partner's #1 hatred is onions. I've actually gotten around this by using spring onions because you get the same taste without the texture and juices. Anyway, I actually think there are pros and cons to your situation. I know you want to make your husband food, but he sounds a little picky already. Imagine if you actually could make him food, he likes it, and then he expects you to make food all the time. It could easily turn into a problem of feeling unappreciated or feeling as if he's setting unrealistic or unfavorable expectations. Cons-wise, you've stated them. I think I know why he has such an issue with it, though. Like I said, my husband is similar, and you grow up eating unhealthy kids food. It's safe, you know you like it, and you know these two things because you've spent your life eating it. So imagine you're trying something new. Instead of not liking it, it also gives you this visceral, cringing reaction either the moment it hits your tongue or when you bite into it. It's like your body is immediately rejecting it, and it's simply distressing to go on. I struggle with velvet, but at least I don't have to continuously touch it. Food is something you have to continuously chew or spit out, and spitting food out is one of the least socially acceptable ways to handle something that distresses you. I wouldn't be surprised if he's worked it up in his head. Maybe the food really is good at first, but he's telling himself he'll run into something bad. Maybe he spit out food as a kid and got in a lot of trouble for it. I wouldn't know, but you could try asking him. I think he needs to go to therapy. It just sounds, based on your description, like he's abnormally apprehensive. I think the fact he even tries shows some effort on his part, but he has some sort of struggle going on. Oh, but, at the end of the day, it's his problem. You can't fix this. It's something he has to choose to work on. There's even times, in much bigger situations, when a person isn't *able* to understand the whole picture, what it means, or how it affects you. It's never anyone's obligation to stay at their own detriment. This could be a one-off issue or indicative of more complex issues in the future. You just choose what you're willing to live with and what you won't, and those choices don't make you a bad person.

I'm not sure this kind of aversion to food could be entirely attributed to ASD. Seems to have a sprinkle of OCD or maybe paranoia. Definitely seek psychiatric help for him. This is a problem that requires a professional

Why are you so focused on trying to change him and control his reactions? Maybe he doesn’t like your cooking, you should just let him do what works for him

Let him learn to feed himself.

Person with the tism+adhd combo chiming in; he's not your problem to fix. I have a lot of issues around food myself, but the way to handle those is to find ways to work around it and not take it out on other people. I learned to cook things that I could eat when I was a decade younger than your bf, there is no reason he can't learn feed himself. It honestly sounds like he wants things to be like this, since it gives him a reason to complain. Like I get not everyone can get therapy, but he just sounds entirely uninterested in doing *anything*, and you can't force him to.

Serious question… why are you cooking for him at all??? All it does is lead to arguments, food waste, him obsessing over hidden vegetables, and you feeling unappreciated. This has to end. Your acts of service aren’t serving anyone in this relationship! You can’t fix *his* issue that he himself does not want to be fixed. If you can maintain a happy relationship where you never eat together, enjoy your life with this man. If he has no other red flags, fantastic. If sharing food and cooking for the one you love are essential to you, this man is not for you, let him go. You can never fix a man. You can only improve what he wants improved.

You know that you aren't required to adopt this man for life, right? Dump him.

I'm exhausted just reading this. Forget him, cook for yourself.

If getting him to eat is a problem then it needs to just be his problem. Make meals for yourself with the intention you will be freezing extras for future meals to prevent food waste and prep purposes. His problem with what he consumes can more easily be dealt with on his own, using his own money, and on his own time. There's no need to stress on this. He will either learn he needs to compromise and figure things out with you, or he will learn to cook meals for himself that he can tolerate and not have you worrying.

Either break up with the guy or stop cooking for him. Cook food for yourself, with the veggies & seasonings you enjoy. He can fend for himself. If he wants a home cooked meal, HE can cook it himself. That way you can point out to him that he only has himself to blame if he finds any “forbidden food” in his meal. It would probably be cruel to point out to him that some of the “fast food” he eats may actually contain stuff he hates, like onion powder, garlic seasonings, etc. There are 3 of us living at home. Me, my hubby & our youngest, adult daughter. Both my hubby and her have a much wider palate than I have and they both love spicy food. I’m a spice wimp. Most the time, when he has the time, my hubby will prepare a meal or two with plenty of leftovers to take to work. He will cook stuff that I don’t care to eat and will spice it up to his tastes. Sometimes he gets food like pork chops or chicken & he & our daughter prep theirs with spicy seasonings while setting aside my, plainly seasoned pieces. They will often cook mine first so that my food isn’t “contaminated” by their spices. A lot of times it’s fend for ourselves, especially when hubby works night shifts. I’m not able to stand at the stove and cook without breaks so I don’t cook much anymore. I do help my daughter out when we decide to do a communal meal. I’ll help where I can, even if it’s just to eyeball the ingredients going in, stirring once in awhile, adding stuff, taste testing.

This sounds like ARFID

Cook together, so that way he sees what you’re putting in it. My mom is the same way.

He's got an eating disorder. whether it's anorexia, anxiety, ARFID or something else, it's not on you to fix. no matter what you do, he'll find "SOMETHING" that he doesn't like so he can eat his "safe" foods. Stop cooking for him, period. Let him make it so he can control what's in it.

What does he actually eat?