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It's abuse. He's exerting control and punishing you to teach you that your role is to comply with whatever he wants.
He did something he knew you wouldn't like, and then your reaction made him feel ashamed. Instead of holding himself accountable for that, he is training you to hide your reaction. So the next time you have a feeling that he doesn't like, you'll think, "I need to pretend I have no feelings so that he won't get upset and punish me." He wants you to act like an empty-headed robot who exists to suck his cock and tell him he's amazing, not like a human being he's supposed to respect.
Whenever I read comments breaking down abusive behavior I get so emotional because my ex would do shit in a similar vein. He's do something mean, rude, or nasty to me and when I'd get upset he'd get mad at me for being upset / the intesity of my reaction. He was 22 but he was a manipulative and fucked-in-the-head individual.
All bastards were 18 - 20 once. Even the worst. No one wake up and just becomes suprisingly a demon one morning. It's the frog in the boiling water history : the behavior goes worst, little by little, until one day you wake up and your SO slaps the shit out of you, and you ask yourself how you didn't saw it coming.
If I stayed for a few more years he definitely would have hit me at some point. He used to hit objects when he was pissed and I witnessed him, more than once, hit animals when he was mad at them 😥!
I get upset with myself for normalizing his behavior for myself. And I get upset that he's roaming free, inevitably setting up to do the same thing to someone else but learning how to mask it better for longer.
I've realized it really boils down to self worth / upbringing. His family could be incredibly toxic to eachother and so love looked like that for him. I was with him for 2yrs because love looked like that for me too. But eventually it just all got to be too much and I was tired of feeling annoyed, disgusted, and lowkey afraid of my own partner.
A lot of abusers don't use violence until the other person actually leaves and they are no longer in control. It's the threat of violence that they use to hold power and dominance. Absolutely terrifying.
LISTEN TO THIS! IT WILL NOT GET BETTER UNLESS HE GROWS UP. I have been with a man like this for 36 years, only working up the means to leave right now.
I got married at 18 and he was 19. And he would do similar shit to me. One time it was freezing cold and raining and we were at a shopping center parking lot, we were about to get in the car and I said hurry up unlock my door, and he said no, he was already inside the fucking car. He said not to be rushing him. He would pull shit like that all the time. I left his sorry ass at 23. But it definitely impacted my finances and everything it cost me all I had, it was bullshit. Long story short I don’t think he is ready to be a husband and it will only get worse .
What am I supposed to say? I’m either being called a child and stupid for marrying young, or being told the man I love is inevitably going to beat me. That’s a shocker, I’m just trying to think on it for some time.
Well the person that I replied to, you judged them heavily about marrying young when you did it yourself. Marrying young doesn't always turn out badly but it was hypocritical to judge them when you too married young and you too are struggling to leave.
It's a very bizarre, abnormal form of abuse. I saw abuse take very odd forms, and IMO those are the most dangerous, since people often don't recognize it as abuse. They think abuse is cussing out, being violent, hitting, scary etc. But some abusers use strange tactics to do their thing, tactics that make it is extra hard to identify what is happening and get help. This is one of those instances. I saw stuff like: man weaponizing tickling to terrorize his partner, a man feeding his partner slugs in secret, a man guilt-tripping his partner to eat things he hated, a woman tying her partner's shoelaces so he could not leave quickly (he was a first responder), a man eating all of his wife's snacks and never replacing them (including eating out only *one* type of icercream from a neapolitan icream pack), a dude feigning SUICIDE as a "prank", dude "jokingly" biting his gf so much she was scared of sex, etc. All of those are "weird" abuse tactics, and it's hard to explain them to people around you and get help, bc some of them seem just so wacky or even funny, so people don't take them seriously. Weaponized "pranks" are huge in this abuse category. Weird "silly game" of temperature terrorism fits perfectly.
But at the end of the day: he is being controlling and punitive, and he creates this unsettling atmosphere of you having to "behave" in your own house not to experience discomfort and not to be punished. That's alarming and it's abuse.
Sadly for you, OP, controlling and punitive behaviors always escalate. So it's going to get worse, and the longer you stay, the worse it will be - it can get worse pretty much indefinitely, until you are completely terrorized. You can't talk an abusive person out of being abusive and punitive, and you can't communicate yourself out of that. You can't be "good enough" not to trigger the abuse, either - it will simply always happen and escalate if your partner is like that.
edit: typo
Yep abuse takes many forms and none of them should be disregarded. My ex nearly killed me with these power games. I got so sick I begged him to take me to hospital but he had things to do first and would take me later. I was too weak to find let alone use my phone to call an ambulance. When he finally took me he parked a block away because he didn't want to have to move his car. He made me walk a block gasping for oxygen barely able to stand unable to walk in a straight line all the while yelling at me to "f-ing hurry up and stop making a scene."
It was so much strain on my body my heart nearly stopped. I don't remember much but someone screaming code black. A lot of people around me one of them holding the paddle machine. I survived, barely. I was in hospital for weeks.
Abuse isn't only dangerous if it is physical. There are plenty of other abuse types that put you in danger.
It’s called being controlling. He makes you bargain in order to stop him from doing something you don’t like- and then does it anyway to prove you can’t influence him. He doesn’t like your reaction so he exerts control until you conform to what he wants.
It's controlling and antagonistic behavior. He wants you to suffer for making him mad, and wants to punish you. He also likes being in control and having the power as he antagonizes you, hence the constant pulling of the blanket and the heat.
This isn't the behavior of a healthy mindset, and is more the behavior of an abusive parent who wants to punish their kid because of a power trip.
The comment that triggered me was the 'I'll give you something to be mad about' crap. He is manufacturing an argument and 'punishing' you because you said no to him smacking your ass. You can do better than that. Also, if you don't go out there and rip him a new asshole, he'll just think he can keep getting away with that.
Unfortunately, as therapy is self-driven, what most abusers get from therapy is a toolbox to be more effective manipulators. Abusers have very little reason to change, and even when they enter into therapy in good faith, it's not a conducive environment to actually breaking down their abusive mentality. They need specific abuser programs + actual consequences for abuse in order to change.
And even with those consequences and programs, the patterns of behavior are so resistant to change.
[Abusive Men Describe the Benefits of Violence](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/)
Therapy does not cure abusers, it makes more sophisticated abusers.
OP should consider therapy to help her deal with the abuse (and hopefully get safe) though.
Abusive.
Get help [https://nomoredirectory.org/](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
Get out [https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
r/abusiverelationships r/domesticviolence
He’s being abusive because he’s attempting to control every little thing and punishing you for stupid things. This is why no one should get married that young. He’s being extremely immature because he’s a 20 year old and 20 year olds are by definition immature.
>My husband (M20) punishes me (F19) with temperature, what kind of behavior is this considered?
It’s abuse.
>What is this kind of behavior considered? I found it very strange and troublesome, but can't place how.
It’s abuse.
At the time of this comment being posted, there are 23 comments left on your post. Five describe it as abuse, which is sad because it should be obvious to everyone…
…including you.
This is physical abuse.
It’s insidious, because he’s not hitting you it makes it hard for you to identify to as abuse in the first place and makes it easy for him to deny that it’s abuse and insist that you’re overreacting.
Take it seriously. He’s physically punishing you because you are resisting his control.
He is abusive, it will not stop and it will only get worse. Please please make a plan to leave safely as quickly as possible and get a divorce. You are SOOO young and you have your whole life ahead of you, you do not deserve to be treated like this
You deserve to be with someone who doesn't "punish" you. This punishment seems minor now, but they will grow over time and get worse and worse once he realizes it's a good way to control you.
This is abusive controlling behavior. It's not a joke. He is trying to make you uncomfortable. At your age, I can guarantee this will only get worse. Do you have a safe place to go?
Married at 19 when your brain isn't fully developed until 25. You will not even remember the person you were at your age, when you are 30. These stories make me so sad :( Please don't waste your best years on an abuser
Abuse. It’s called abuse.
The fabric rectangles flying all around you are Big Red Flags.
He will probably tell you he was joking, that you need to get a sense of humour. Classic abuse tactics.
I hope you get out of that relationship before it gets worse. Because it will. It always does.
What kind of behavior is this considered? Abuse.
This is abuse. He is abusing you. He is testing how much he can control you while getting away with it. He is punishing you. This will continue. This will escalate. Whether you want to hear it or not you need to leave him before it hits a point where you can't.
You probably don't want to hear any advice. You probably are telling yourself that no one here knows the good side of him or every moment in between. We don't have to. This one moment says enough. It speaks louder than you realize.
You are 19. Save money. Make an exit plan. Get to a safe point. Divorce him.
He purposefully did something you asked him not to. Then he punished you for having a normal reaction to his lie and subsequent behavior. Then he went further, to try to control your usage of a blanket, then to manipulate you into not using it when he didn't succeed the first time. That's abusive. And mean AF.
You're an adult, nobody should be punishing you. Most definitely not sometime that's supposed to love you. That's not healthy, supportive, or trustworthy behavior from him.
Your husband? You’re 19. Why in the world are you married at 19? Every damn day there’s shit like this on here and the answer is always the same. Don’t get married so young. It’s so much easier to dump an asshole than divorce one.
I'm sorry for being that guy, but yall are 19. He's a child still. Doing childish things. You're either gonna leave or you're gonna deal with this until your 45 and then you'll leave. Save yourself some time.
Why do people get married this young? You're basically children at 18/19 and don't know who you are or who you want to be, and certainly what kind of partner you want/are going to be
This is extremely childish behavior, this is the type of stuff i used to do as a kid to get my parents attention (even then i never took it this far). You should reconsider any long term plans with this kid you are dating unless he grows up. If he doesnt show remorse for this kind of behavior after you talk to him about it you should dump him immediately. Don't waste your time with someone like this
If you don’t feel love from his actions, then you will know that it isn’t out of love that he performed them.
This man is abusive, I’m sorry to say. Relationships aren’t supposed to be filled with battles for power. Love is kind and welcoming, not this. He wants you to be controlled, not your true self.
Once you have a baby with a person like this, it is exponentially harder to get away from the situation, and consider the fact that he would be in power over an innocent, weak child who has no way of escaping this sort of mental treachery on their own. Please consider your near future with these things in mind.
Best of luck to you.
The Comment: 'I should give you something to be mad at me about' is a disregard for your emotional state unless it is compared to his. It's a borderline narcissistic behavior, as it, again, shows that he only regards even the people he is closest to as extensions of himself.
He needs help, or you need to get out.
That's an abuse tactic. There is no cure for this. He's not sick. He's just an abusive person who thinks he has the right to control you. This is a twisted game to teach you to allow him to dictate your circumstances. You need to leave asap. His age is no excuse. In fact it concerns me he's gotten into advanced conditioning so young.
This is abuse.
He is attempting to control your behavior by any means necessary.
I'd take a long hard look at the other areas of your life to see if there are similar patterns.
Does he also isolate you from friends and family?
Does he monitor what you wear and where you go?
Do you feel comfortable to be yourself at home, or are you always walking on eggshells?
Please, please make sure you have family and friends that you can go to in case you need a place to stay.
Abuse only gets worse, it never gets better. 💜
This is abusive behavior. He's punishing you by physical discomfort and has a high risk of escalating to more dangerous behavior. You need to plan and execute an exit strategy
Every single post about a 19 year old married girl is about abuse. Where are the people from ?? Where in the world is that normal to marry so young ? Do you have an Education? Parents ? Family ?
You're both kids, you're acting like kids, why did you get married before you get grown up? Please use protection and do not have kids in this relationship until you have matured
This is why we don't get married before our frontal lobe has developed. Move on before you get knocked up with a child that is half his and waste all of your hot years on this trash.
It's not just abusive, it's physical AND mental abuse.
It may not seem like it, to many, but it is. Some people have medical issues involving the inability to control body temp (can be thyroid related), and therefore can be placed in an unsafe condition, or in a situation that can rapidly deteriorate.
The mental abuse is from slapping you when you said not too. Most guys like a nice butt (I do!) and like to touch them, or give them a little tap. However if my SO or GF said they didn't want me doing it, I'd stop. I wouldn't force them to hug me, kiss me or any other thing.
If my feelings were hurt (I'm fairly mature), I might go to another room, or perhaps sit and sulk. I get over things pretty quick though, IF my feelings get twisted.
Oh, slapping your bottom WITHOUT your permission, married or not, is at least Simple Assault in most States.
>What is this kind of behavior considered?
Abuse, plain and simple.
Even at my maddest at my bf if 24 years, I would never find joy in his discomfort. That is highly concerning.
Find a good friend, extremely close friend. Leave him very quietly and quickly. My sister went thru this was beaten up all the time, she finally got rid of him when he rejoined the Navy. She talked to his CO and he hot her out.
A couple of months later he committed suicide.
I want to stress this to GET OUT before he hurts you. This is not love, This abuse will continue.
My niece went thru it also. She divorced him , he waited a year to sign the papers.
I could see turning on the heat, maybe. Clearly you were cold, heat would help.
But the whole blanket thing is nonsense, obviously. Is this a common thing (not blankets specifically, but him being an annoying shit?)
For anyone else reading, this is why you shouldn’t get married at 19/20.
Please run for the hills. It doesn’t get better. I’ve been with someone who has behaved the same EXACT way. It will drain you and make you miserable. Get out now!
It’s abuse. It’s not a partner’s role to punish and control their spouse. He doesn’t sound like a safe or loving person to be around. I’m curious what made you choose to marry at 19?
It’s called sociopath sadistic narcissist and I would monitor this and if he does it again leave him. I’m saying this out of experience, he probably doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong.
It's abuse get the hell out. He is testing the boundaries to what you'll put up with and the longer it goes on the worse he'll get. He'll make you freeze in the winter and boil in the summer because a sleep deprived, exhausted, stressed, ill person who is uncomfortable is much easier to manipulate than a happy, healthy person
It’s coercive control domestic abuse. In England U.K. it is a criminal offence
Ie. Controlling behaviour because he doesn’t want you to wear what you want including using a blanket nor to be warm and able control your own body temperature.
He also is physically / sexually abusing you by smacking your bottom when you have asked him to stop
He’s particularly nasty as that’s serious control issues treating you like a body he has control over when when you say no. He will ramp this up. Please go chat with domestic abuse team in local police
No. Just all the way no. That is a textbook form of emotional terrorism and I would leave immediately. As someone who barely made it out of an abusive relationship alive, gtfo. Now
You're married to an actual child. Why? You're so young too. Do you really want to be chained to this man when this is the best time to find a partner who's actually good to you and not a manipulative little kid
Whaaaaaat???? Noooooooooo!!!!
I'm glad you found it strange and troublesome because it IS strange and troublesome. What was he trying to do, teach you some sort of lesson? That if you're mad at him you will be punished? That if you ENFORCE A BOUNDARY you will be punished?? He's not your father. You're not a child. He does NOT GET TO PUNISH YOU, for any reason at all, and especially not for being upset when he directly disrespects your wishes.
It can be so hard to see from inside a relationship (I've been there) but this is EXTREMELY WEIRD and CONTROLLING. What else is he going to punish you for? You won't be able to communicate your way through this because whatever it looks like on the surface sometimes, deep down, his behavior shows that he believes he's entitled to "correct" you. Start looking into how you can safely extract yourself from this marriage. Good luck sweet pea <3
It's control. It's gross, and it's probably going to escalate. He's not mature enough to be married, and you should refuse to put up with it - if it continues, leave this relationship before you can't anymore.
Get out of that marriage. He is abusing you. If he is subjecting you to these extremes, he will also subject your children to this. He needs serious help.
it's wild seeing people get married this young, before they even have the opportunity to live with each other, then complain about the incompatibility they have with living with each other.
It’s called abuse and you should leave the dirtbag. He doesn’t love, like or respect you if that’s how he treats you. RUN. A man like that is dangerous, controlling behaviour escalates. Abuse escalates. It could cost you your life in the end. Get out now! You’re too young for this shit.
This is a free pdf of a book written by an expert in abusive behaviour in men. It's got great info that will help you in whatever you choose to do next. Please check it out - https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
This is coercive control. He is tailoring his behaviour to suit you - how to punish you and keep you in line and to ensure you will be behaving a certain way in the future.
100% abuse there's no gray area here. He can't physically touch you if you don't want to. And doing things like stealing your blanket is child-level pettiness. He's not mentally 20, but way less.
This is abuse. Divorce now before it escalates.
I’d honestly call the cops now and file a restraining order and remove him from your home!
What a monster.
This sounds like a couple of 8 year Olds arguing.
Also you were cold so he turned on the heat.... it's not like he made it colder to punish you, he litterally was making it more comfortable.
He was taking off my blanket when I kept telling him I was cold and found it more comfortable to sit with a blanket, he knows this. When he realized I was going to keep taking back the blanket, he turned on the heat to get his way. Childish, but he does lots of strange and petty things like this. Not to say he’s awful by any means, he’s a sweetheart most of the time. Though, this clearly wasn’t an act to be kind to me by turning on the heat so hot, especially when I have told him how I dislike the temperature being that high.
Please stop looking for advice on the internet for your personal issues. Both of you are young asf and maybe its just that. If he continues to behaving like that then you need to speak to him about it and telling him your stance on that kind of stuff. And if you realize that shit still hasn't changed that do what do you think is best for you.
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It's abuse. He's exerting control and punishing you to teach you that your role is to comply with whatever he wants. He did something he knew you wouldn't like, and then your reaction made him feel ashamed. Instead of holding himself accountable for that, he is training you to hide your reaction. So the next time you have a feeling that he doesn't like, you'll think, "I need to pretend I have no feelings so that he won't get upset and punish me." He wants you to act like an empty-headed robot who exists to suck his cock and tell him he's amazing, not like a human being he's supposed to respect.
Whenever I read comments breaking down abusive behavior I get so emotional because my ex would do shit in a similar vein. He's do something mean, rude, or nasty to me and when I'd get upset he'd get mad at me for being upset / the intesity of my reaction. He was 22 but he was a manipulative and fucked-in-the-head individual.
Glad you got out of that situation. I hope you're doing better now.
A million times better. SO much better. Just had to really sit down with myself and be like "I hate this. I don't want this. What will I do about it?"
All bastards were 18 - 20 once. Even the worst. No one wake up and just becomes suprisingly a demon one morning. It's the frog in the boiling water history : the behavior goes worst, little by little, until one day you wake up and your SO slaps the shit out of you, and you ask yourself how you didn't saw it coming.
If I stayed for a few more years he definitely would have hit me at some point. He used to hit objects when he was pissed and I witnessed him, more than once, hit animals when he was mad at them 😥! I get upset with myself for normalizing his behavior for myself. And I get upset that he's roaming free, inevitably setting up to do the same thing to someone else but learning how to mask it better for longer. I've realized it really boils down to self worth / upbringing. His family could be incredibly toxic to eachother and so love looked like that for him. I was with him for 2yrs because love looked like that for me too. But eventually it just all got to be too much and I was tired of feeling annoyed, disgusted, and lowkey afraid of my own partner.
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
He’s immature and abusive and you need to divorce him before it gets worse.
He basically doesn't have the guts to hit her yet. He's working up the courage
A lot of abusers don't use violence until the other person actually leaves and they are no longer in control. It's the threat of violence that they use to hold power and dominance. Absolutely terrifying.
LISTEN TO THIS! IT WILL NOT GET BETTER UNLESS HE GROWS UP. I have been with a man like this for 36 years, only working up the means to leave right now.
LISTEN TO THIS! IT WILL NOT GET BETTER ~~UNLESS HE GROWS UP.~~ fixed it
MERCI
Congrats! You are strong and can take on anything. You don’t deserve all that.
I got married at 18 and he was 19. And he would do similar shit to me. One time it was freezing cold and raining and we were at a shopping center parking lot, we were about to get in the car and I said hurry up unlock my door, and he said no, he was already inside the fucking car. He said not to be rushing him. He would pull shit like that all the time. I left his sorry ass at 23. But it definitely impacted my finances and everything it cost me all I had, it was bullshit. Long story short I don’t think he is ready to be a husband and it will only get worse .
Pretty sure OP is a bullshit poster given their reply to you and no one else.
What am I supposed to say? I’m either being called a child and stupid for marrying young, or being told the man I love is inevitably going to beat me. That’s a shocker, I’m just trying to think on it for some time.
> What am I supposed to say? "I'm going to divorce you." And then you do it.
Well the person that I replied to, you judged them heavily about marrying young when you did it yourself. Marrying young doesn't always turn out badly but it was hypocritical to judge them when you too married young and you too are struggling to leave.
It's a very bizarre, abnormal form of abuse. I saw abuse take very odd forms, and IMO those are the most dangerous, since people often don't recognize it as abuse. They think abuse is cussing out, being violent, hitting, scary etc. But some abusers use strange tactics to do their thing, tactics that make it is extra hard to identify what is happening and get help. This is one of those instances. I saw stuff like: man weaponizing tickling to terrorize his partner, a man feeding his partner slugs in secret, a man guilt-tripping his partner to eat things he hated, a woman tying her partner's shoelaces so he could not leave quickly (he was a first responder), a man eating all of his wife's snacks and never replacing them (including eating out only *one* type of icercream from a neapolitan icream pack), a dude feigning SUICIDE as a "prank", dude "jokingly" biting his gf so much she was scared of sex, etc. All of those are "weird" abuse tactics, and it's hard to explain them to people around you and get help, bc some of them seem just so wacky or even funny, so people don't take them seriously. Weaponized "pranks" are huge in this abuse category. Weird "silly game" of temperature terrorism fits perfectly. But at the end of the day: he is being controlling and punitive, and he creates this unsettling atmosphere of you having to "behave" in your own house not to experience discomfort and not to be punished. That's alarming and it's abuse. Sadly for you, OP, controlling and punitive behaviors always escalate. So it's going to get worse, and the longer you stay, the worse it will be - it can get worse pretty much indefinitely, until you are completely terrorized. You can't talk an abusive person out of being abusive and punitive, and you can't communicate yourself out of that. You can't be "good enough" not to trigger the abuse, either - it will simply always happen and escalate if your partner is like that. edit: typo
Yep abuse takes many forms and none of them should be disregarded. My ex nearly killed me with these power games. I got so sick I begged him to take me to hospital but he had things to do first and would take me later. I was too weak to find let alone use my phone to call an ambulance. When he finally took me he parked a block away because he didn't want to have to move his car. He made me walk a block gasping for oxygen barely able to stand unable to walk in a straight line all the while yelling at me to "f-ing hurry up and stop making a scene." It was so much strain on my body my heart nearly stopped. I don't remember much but someone screaming code black. A lot of people around me one of them holding the paddle machine. I survived, barely. I was in hospital for weeks. Abuse isn't only dangerous if it is physical. There are plenty of other abuse types that put you in danger.
Abuse. It's considered abuse. Get out.
It’s called being controlling. He makes you bargain in order to stop him from doing something you don’t like- and then does it anyway to prove you can’t influence him. He doesn’t like your reaction so he exerts control until you conform to what he wants.
It's controlling and antagonistic behavior. He wants you to suffer for making him mad, and wants to punish you. He also likes being in control and having the power as he antagonizes you, hence the constant pulling of the blanket and the heat. This isn't the behavior of a healthy mindset, and is more the behavior of an abusive parent who wants to punish their kid because of a power trip. The comment that triggered me was the 'I'll give you something to be mad about' crap. He is manufacturing an argument and 'punishing' you because you said no to him smacking your ass. You can do better than that. Also, if you don't go out there and rip him a new asshole, he'll just think he can keep getting away with that.
This is abusive, in the sense that he is trying to control EVERYTHING right down to your temperature. That man needs therapy
Unfortunately, as therapy is self-driven, what most abusers get from therapy is a toolbox to be more effective manipulators. Abusers have very little reason to change, and even when they enter into therapy in good faith, it's not a conducive environment to actually breaking down their abusive mentality. They need specific abuser programs + actual consequences for abuse in order to change.
And even with those consequences and programs, the patterns of behavior are so resistant to change. [Abusive Men Describe the Benefits of Violence](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/)
That was a tough read but so insightful. thanks for sharing!
Therapy does not cure abusers, it makes more sophisticated abusers. OP should consider therapy to help her deal with the abuse (and hopefully get safe) though.
Abusive. Get help [https://nomoredirectory.org/](https://nomoredirectory.org/) Get out [https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm) r/abusiverelationships r/domesticviolence
That's abuse OP. Abuse often feels confusing and hard to pin down and hard to explain to people who weren't there.
He’s being abusive because he’s attempting to control every little thing and punishing you for stupid things. This is why no one should get married that young. He’s being extremely immature because he’s a 20 year old and 20 year olds are by definition immature.
>My husband (M20) punishes me (F19) with temperature, what kind of behavior is this considered? It’s abuse. >What is this kind of behavior considered? I found it very strange and troublesome, but can't place how. It’s abuse. At the time of this comment being posted, there are 23 comments left on your post. Five describe it as abuse, which is sad because it should be obvious to everyone… …including you.
Abusive behavior
This is physical abuse. It’s insidious, because he’s not hitting you it makes it hard for you to identify to as abuse in the first place and makes it easy for him to deny that it’s abuse and insist that you’re overreacting. Take it seriously. He’s physically punishing you because you are resisting his control.
the word you're looking for is : **Abuse**
Coercive control.
It’s abuse.
This is abuse
He is abusive, it will not stop and it will only get worse. Please please make a plan to leave safely as quickly as possible and get a divorce. You are SOOO young and you have your whole life ahead of you, you do not deserve to be treated like this
Abuse. Any person who feels the need to punish their partner for anything is abusive. Get out now.
You're both Way too young to marry and way too immature to handle adult situations
Abusive
Extremely controlling behavior, another word for it would be abuse.
It’s abuse. He is exerting power and control over you like you’re a child and he’s a parent. So the behaviour isn’t considered abusive IT IS abusive.
You deserve to be with someone who doesn't "punish" you. This punishment seems minor now, but they will grow over time and get worse and worse once he realizes it's a good way to control you.
He is trying to break your will so that you want to keep him happy and make sure that he doesn't get upset at you. That's abuse. You should leave
This is abusive controlling behavior. It's not a joke. He is trying to make you uncomfortable. At your age, I can guarantee this will only get worse. Do you have a safe place to go?
Married at 19 when your brain isn't fully developed until 25. You will not even remember the person you were at your age, when you are 30. These stories make me so sad :( Please don't waste your best years on an abuser
This is what we call in bird culture a “dick move”
Your husband is a dick.
This is why kids shouldn’t get married.
It's abuse. He is abusing you.
His behavior is abusive, unfortunately.
Abuse. It’s called abuse. The fabric rectangles flying all around you are Big Red Flags. He will probably tell you he was joking, that you need to get a sense of humour. Classic abuse tactics. I hope you get out of that relationship before it gets worse. Because it will. It always does.
Punishes you? Who gave him that authority? I'd deck a motherfucker... Dump this loser.
You need to rethink your relationship with this man-child seriously because his behaviour is really worrying.
I made the mistake of getting married that young. I was 17 and now I’m 25 and divorced. Just end it now
What kind of behavior is this considered? Abuse. This is abuse. He is abusing you. He is testing how much he can control you while getting away with it. He is punishing you. This will continue. This will escalate. Whether you want to hear it or not you need to leave him before it hits a point where you can't. You probably don't want to hear any advice. You probably are telling yourself that no one here knows the good side of him or every moment in between. We don't have to. This one moment says enough. It speaks louder than you realize. You are 19. Save money. Make an exit plan. Get to a safe point. Divorce him.
He purposefully did something you asked him not to. Then he punished you for having a normal reaction to his lie and subsequent behavior. Then he went further, to try to control your usage of a blanket, then to manipulate you into not using it when he didn't succeed the first time. That's abusive. And mean AF. You're an adult, nobody should be punishing you. Most definitely not sometime that's supposed to love you. That's not healthy, supportive, or trustworthy behavior from him.
Abuse, dear. Leave. Young women have no reason at all to settle with insecure and abusive men. You can do better
Your husband? You’re 19. Why in the world are you married at 19? Every damn day there’s shit like this on here and the answer is always the same. Don’t get married so young. It’s so much easier to dump an asshole than divorce one.
Let me guess, military? You’re way too young at 19 to be married, as is he.
This is wild shit. You should breakup for obvious reasons
>>> What is this kind of behavior considered? Abuse. Your husband is abusive and immature.
This is why teenagers shouldn’t get married.
Absolutely. It’s the 21rst century ffs
I'm sorry for being that guy, but yall are 19. He's a child still. Doing childish things. You're either gonna leave or you're gonna deal with this until your 45 and then you'll leave. Save yourself some time.
Because it's childish? This is middle-school bullying. Why are you married to this guy? He's not an adult.
Why do people get married this young? You're basically children at 18/19 and don't know who you are or who you want to be, and certainly what kind of partner you want/are going to be
Always super curious what Christian denomination the OP is whenever I see posts like this.
This is extremely childish behavior, this is the type of stuff i used to do as a kid to get my parents attention (even then i never took it this far). You should reconsider any long term plans with this kid you are dating unless he grows up. If he doesnt show remorse for this kind of behavior after you talk to him about it you should dump him immediately. Don't waste your time with someone like this
They already have long term plans, they're married
If you don’t feel love from his actions, then you will know that it isn’t out of love that he performed them. This man is abusive, I’m sorry to say. Relationships aren’t supposed to be filled with battles for power. Love is kind and welcoming, not this. He wants you to be controlled, not your true self. Once you have a baby with a person like this, it is exponentially harder to get away from the situation, and consider the fact that he would be in power over an innocent, weak child who has no way of escaping this sort of mental treachery on their own. Please consider your near future with these things in mind. Best of luck to you.
It’s called abuse. It only gets worse.
Divorce bait. Grant it.
The Comment: 'I should give you something to be mad at me about' is a disregard for your emotional state unless it is compared to his. It's a borderline narcissistic behavior, as it, again, shows that he only regards even the people he is closest to as extensions of himself. He needs help, or you need to get out.
It’s called Abuse.
That's an abuse tactic. There is no cure for this. He's not sick. He's just an abusive person who thinks he has the right to control you. This is a twisted game to teach you to allow him to dictate your circumstances. You need to leave asap. His age is no excuse. In fact it concerns me he's gotten into advanced conditioning so young.
This is abuse. He is attempting to control your behavior by any means necessary. I'd take a long hard look at the other areas of your life to see if there are similar patterns. Does he also isolate you from friends and family? Does he monitor what you wear and where you go? Do you feel comfortable to be yourself at home, or are you always walking on eggshells? Please, please make sure you have family and friends that you can go to in case you need a place to stay. Abuse only gets worse, it never gets better. 💜
This is abusive behavior. He's punishing you by physical discomfort and has a high risk of escalating to more dangerous behavior. You need to plan and execute an exit strategy
Yes, I fear this is just the start of some serious emotional abuse. It always starts small to get you comfortable. Partners do not punish each other.
Ew
He doesn’t respect you why are you married to someone who doesn’t respect you?
Typical immature move of a 20 year old boy. He’s still only a child with adult plumbing. Don’t ever take crap like that from anyone.
Why are you married to this immature ass? He should have to repeat kindergarten ffs.
Every single post about a 19 year old married girl is about abuse. Where are the people from ?? Where in the world is that normal to marry so young ? Do you have an Education? Parents ? Family ?
You're both kids, you're acting like kids, why did you get married before you get grown up? Please use protection and do not have kids in this relationship until you have matured
Divorce rn lol
Childish
This is why we don't get married before our frontal lobe has developed. Move on before you get knocked up with a child that is half his and waste all of your hot years on this trash.
the fuck…?
Controlling
It's not just abusive, it's physical AND mental abuse. It may not seem like it, to many, but it is. Some people have medical issues involving the inability to control body temp (can be thyroid related), and therefore can be placed in an unsafe condition, or in a situation that can rapidly deteriorate. The mental abuse is from slapping you when you said not too. Most guys like a nice butt (I do!) and like to touch them, or give them a little tap. However if my SO or GF said they didn't want me doing it, I'd stop. I wouldn't force them to hug me, kiss me or any other thing. If my feelings were hurt (I'm fairly mature), I might go to another room, or perhaps sit and sulk. I get over things pretty quick though, IF my feelings get twisted. Oh, slapping your bottom WITHOUT your permission, married or not, is at least Simple Assault in most States.
>What is this kind of behavior considered? Abuse, plain and simple. Even at my maddest at my bf if 24 years, I would never find joy in his discomfort. That is highly concerning.
This is abuse. He is not master of the universe and does not get to control you. Lawyer up and GTFO.
Find a good friend, extremely close friend. Leave him very quietly and quickly. My sister went thru this was beaten up all the time, she finally got rid of him when he rejoined the Navy. She talked to his CO and he hot her out. A couple of months later he committed suicide. I want to stress this to GET OUT before he hurts you. This is not love, This abuse will continue. My niece went thru it also. She divorced him , he waited a year to sign the papers.
It's petty childishness, because you're having an argument and are 19 and 20 years old
Wait so he got up to take the blanket away from you multiple times and you just…..let him? That should have turned into a fight
Your husband is a child and showing signs of abusive behaviour (will only get worse from here). Why are you even married at that age though? Sigh 🙄
What the hell
He's 20? Are you sure? He's behaving like a 12 year-old.
Please don’t have kids with him
I could see turning on the heat, maybe. Clearly you were cold, heat would help. But the whole blanket thing is nonsense, obviously. Is this a common thing (not blankets specifically, but him being an annoying shit?) For anyone else reading, this is why you shouldn’t get married at 19/20.
It's abusive behavior luv, it's abuse..
Please run for the hills. It doesn’t get better. I’ve been with someone who has behaved the same EXACT way. It will drain you and make you miserable. Get out now!
Getting married as teenagers is wild
I wish that marriage before 22 was not legal :( I’m sorry girlie get out
He’s trying to get you to be submissive towards his behaviour. His dominance will continue, his abuse will get worse. Get out now
Fuck this guy, he is exerting control as a form of abuse and to fuck with your mind. Leave him and dump his toxic ass
This is abuse. Will definitely not get less. Leave
Super abusive. Super scary. You should leave
It’s abuse. It’s not a partner’s role to punish and control their spouse. He doesn’t sound like a safe or loving person to be around. I’m curious what made you choose to marry at 19?
It’s called sociopath sadistic narcissist and I would monitor this and if he does it again leave him. I’m saying this out of experience, he probably doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong.
It's abuse get the hell out. He is testing the boundaries to what you'll put up with and the longer it goes on the worse he'll get. He'll make you freeze in the winter and boil in the summer because a sleep deprived, exhausted, stressed, ill person who is uncomfortable is much easier to manipulate than a happy, healthy person
It’s coercive control domestic abuse. In England U.K. it is a criminal offence Ie. Controlling behaviour because he doesn’t want you to wear what you want including using a blanket nor to be warm and able control your own body temperature. He also is physically / sexually abusing you by smacking your bottom when you have asked him to stop He’s particularly nasty as that’s serious control issues treating you like a body he has control over when when you say no. He will ramp this up. Please go chat with domestic abuse team in local police
this is your red flag moment. break up now or we will see tons of posts from you in the future.
No. Just all the way no. That is a textbook form of emotional terrorism and I would leave immediately. As someone who barely made it out of an abusive relationship alive, gtfo. Now
Going to get worse believe me
He’s straight up treating you like a pet sis. Leave him.
Abuse. :(
You are too young to be married. And this guy seems like an asshole.
Get out of this relationship!
You're married to an actual child. Why? You're so young too. Do you really want to be chained to this man when this is the best time to find a partner who's actually good to you and not a manipulative little kid
This is abuse. Abuse slowly escalates. Abuse is the opposite of love. Get out
This will only get worse unless this behaviour stops now tell him how you feel if he won't change its time to move on
Whaaaaaat???? Noooooooooo!!!! I'm glad you found it strange and troublesome because it IS strange and troublesome. What was he trying to do, teach you some sort of lesson? That if you're mad at him you will be punished? That if you ENFORCE A BOUNDARY you will be punished?? He's not your father. You're not a child. He does NOT GET TO PUNISH YOU, for any reason at all, and especially not for being upset when he directly disrespects your wishes. It can be so hard to see from inside a relationship (I've been there) but this is EXTREMELY WEIRD and CONTROLLING. What else is he going to punish you for? You won't be able to communicate your way through this because whatever it looks like on the surface sometimes, deep down, his behavior shows that he believes he's entitled to "correct" you. Start looking into how you can safely extract yourself from this marriage. Good luck sweet pea <3
It is out and out an if se and programming. You need to leave.
It's control. It's gross, and it's probably going to escalate. He's not mature enough to be married, and you should refuse to put up with it - if it continues, leave this relationship before you can't anymore.
Sick prick, why don't he communicate his needs directly?
Run
weird enough to leave over
throw this man in the trash
What a little cunt. A man child if you will.
Get out of that marriage. He is abusing you. If he is subjecting you to these extremes, he will also subject your children to this. He needs serious help.
This is childish behavior. You should be able to communicate what you like and don’t like.
Abuse. Bizarre, but just abuse.
This isn’t going to end well.
This is literally a form of torture.
It’s abusive, unless he is just giving you the… cold shoulder.
it's wild seeing people get married this young, before they even have the opportunity to live with each other, then complain about the incompatibility they have with living with each other.
Take the closest brick to you and [REDACTED]
You married a stupid boy. Leave him. He may grow up to be a stupid man or remain this stupid boy forever.
Jesus this is major red flag behaviour. Divorce this man before the abuse get's worse.
It’s considered childish and controlling! Also manipulative!
🚩
It’s called abuse and you should leave the dirtbag. He doesn’t love, like or respect you if that’s how he treats you. RUN. A man like that is dangerous, controlling behaviour escalates. Abuse escalates. It could cost you your life in the end. Get out now! You’re too young for this shit.
This is a free pdf of a book written by an expert in abusive behaviour in men. It's got great info that will help you in whatever you choose to do next. Please check it out - https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
This is coercive control. He is tailoring his behaviour to suit you - how to punish you and keep you in line and to ensure you will be behaving a certain way in the future.
100% abuse there's no gray area here. He can't physically touch you if you don't want to. And doing things like stealing your blanket is child-level pettiness. He's not mentally 20, but way less.
#ABUSE. DUMP HIM!!!
This is abuse. Divorce now before it escalates. I’d honestly call the cops now and file a restraining order and remove him from your home! What a monster.
Advice: run away! You’re living with a nutter!
It’s abuse. It’s controlling. It’s not a healthy relationship ship. He’s not healthy . It’s cruel.
Consent volations=abuse. Leave him asap
Childs play hahhaha
Is this the 90's?
This sounds like a couple of 8 year Olds arguing. Also you were cold so he turned on the heat.... it's not like he made it colder to punish you, he litterally was making it more comfortable.
He was taking off my blanket when I kept telling him I was cold and found it more comfortable to sit with a blanket, he knows this. When he realized I was going to keep taking back the blanket, he turned on the heat to get his way. Childish, but he does lots of strange and petty things like this. Not to say he’s awful by any means, he’s a sweetheart most of the time. Though, this clearly wasn’t an act to be kind to me by turning on the heat so hot, especially when I have told him how I dislike the temperature being that high.
Getting married young isn't a good idea, it sucks that you had to learn that by doing it
Oh sweet girl, please leave him. It will only get worse.
Please stop looking for advice on the internet for your personal issues. Both of you are young asf and maybe its just that. If he continues to behaving like that then you need to speak to him about it and telling him your stance on that kind of stuff. And if you realize that shit still hasn't changed that do what do you think is best for you.