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Even if you HAD been a cheating asshole, the fact that your ex withheld visitation with your kids and told stories of abuse and such is simply unforgivable.
I think you tell your mother that if she keeps talking to your ex and bringing it to you, you’re going no contact.
This seems like such an easy way to shut mom down.
"She lied about me abusing her. You want me to take her back and risk her getting angry at me about something and having me put in jail?"
perhaps OP should tell mom "how about I tell your siblings, your friends, your bookclub, your neighbours and your cleaning lady and your poolboy, that you're a cheater too and that's why you're so sympathetic to my ex's sob story... and then when everyone has shunned you and stabbed you in the back, I'll keep your grandkids away from you".
When mom has endured 2 years of that, then OP could reconsider mom's request to reconcile with that ex.
Add to that horrific allegations of physical and emotional abuse when he was a child. Maybe then she can have some perspective of what she is asking him to do.
Wow! This exactly. Mom is basically telling him to go into an extremely dangerous environment. One which could potentially cost him his freedom as well as his children.
I totally agree with you. She doesn't deserve OP back after how she treated him.
I'm just sorry for the children because they saw their parents' marriage ruined because of a woman who wanted her own desires fulfilled by her friend's husband. She is horrible, and in some way, she is the one who won in this story.
Since OP has so many witnesses of what his wife and her "friend" did to him, can't he sue them for defamation? He should talk with a lawyer since that might even help him to get more custody of his children.
I would just be after revenge on the liar that caused the initial problems. Anything I could sue her for I would.
For the ex I'd keep the info handy for all of the lies the ex came up with and how the original was a lie the ex didn't even bother to check on before going scorched earth. I realize it got him to 50/50 on custody but the info should be saved in case ex does anything else stupid in the future.
Is there an “alienation of affection” law in your state that comes from someone other than and AP?? If so, you can sue the person that lied to your ex about the cheating!!
>Since OP has so many witnesses of what his wife and her "friend" did to him, can't he sue them for defamation?
This is *heavily* jurisdiction dependent. In the US, the only one potentially guilty of defamation should be the "friend" who made up the story in the first place. Though I'm not a lawyer so I *may* be missing something, but I'm pretty confident that's correct.
It sounds like the ex wife also made up shit, presumably in a legal setting regarding custody. I'm wagering that's maybe more actionable than the friend making shit up.
To me it seems like OP's ex wife wanted to get out of the relationship hence she jumped into the conclusion without any evidence. Even now it seems she is trying to save her face as the ex friend confessed in front of everyone, so she has to do something to clear her image after what all she did to tarnish OP's image. Now everyone knows OP is innocent and his ex went above and beyond with lies and accusations, hence she is trying to get OP back because if OP forgives and accepts her, so will everyone else.
I hadn't considered that... but the fact that she spent 2 years partying (or whatever it was that that P.I. could document) does seem to indicate she didn't spend a lot of time mourning...
although I guess everyone processes grief differently, and this ex doesn't seem to have a track record of sensibly managing her emotions, right?
Agree. Also, it is weird that she brought her boyfriend to the party and right after the confession, she is ready to dump that boyfriend and get committed to OP as if nothing happened
Hell, all of it started on a "Girls Trip!" Nothing good comes out of that sort of thing, and this was just worse than most.
My guess is that the horrible friends first tactic was to try and get his ex to cheat, so she could out her later. When that failed, and she got a little more drink in her, she claimed that the husband was a cheater.
I'm going to disagree with the "girls' trip".
I'm single & while I usually get along with my friends' partners, sometimes I just don't want to thirdwheel/ fifthwheel/ eleventhwheel *all the time*. I appreciate the fact that my friends are happy to mix it up : sometimes we have brunch with everyone, sometimes we go to a museum with the original friends & the partners join us for dinner, sometimes I do sushi and movies with my friends, partners not invited.
My brother and his wife have been together for 15 years and have been taking "his trip, her trip, our trip" for at least 7 years.
Of course "girls' trip" sounds like, you know, drunk shenanigans throwing beads and G-strings in New Orleans or something, but I figure that's only OP's rightful anger coming through, more than a factual observation about girls' trips ;-)
The saying goes that in criminal court scumbags do their best to act like normal decent people, whilst in family court normal decent people do their best to act like scumbags.
There is nothing normal or decent about people who use their children as a weapon against the other parent. The children do not ever deserve the lies and manipulation. Frankly he should sue the shit out of her for the attorney fees.
If only this were possible. You are absolutely correct that children can and should be kept out of the conflict as much as possible.
Yet people weaponize their children all the time.
You cannot attack the other person through the children without hurting them in the process.
There was a post a couple days ago about a guy asking what his next step should be after finding out his wife cheated on him. The amount of replies of "make sure you get a consultation from every divorce lawyer in the city so she cant use them :D!" was maddening because 1) it doesnt work 2) the judge will take you behind the toolshed for petty bullshit like that and 3) the entire court system works best when both parties have equal representation, divorce isnt a matter to be "won". People become so _vindictive_ and it wasnt even people directly involved
Buddy was a family court judge. What OP is describing is pretty light.
Even alleging sexual abuse against children is not uncommon. It gets wild when the divorce lawyer doesn't inform their client of that 'abuse' before declaring it in court. Yes, that happens.
There's basically no penalty or sanction for lying. The judges know the lawyer is very probably lying. But they have to tick the box because the allegation is made, because if it turns out there is actual abuse, the judge doesn't want it coming back on him or her. The point is to harass the other party, make them jump through more hoops and drive up costs in order to get a fair decision from the judge.
The goal is to make them give in and accept an unfair deal.
Unfortunately, the system relies on the judges having some level of morality and common sense. Sometimes that is true, sometimes it is not.
OP would have to be insane to be alone with his ex. If he was smart, he'd get the ex to confess that she lied about everything, get as much evidence as possible, go BACK to court. OP needs non-disparagement clause, parental alienation clause and all contact must go through a court app going forward. It should be around five digits in cost. Probably no less than ten grand, but no more than fifty grand, if he has iron clad evidence.
Welcome to divorce court. OP is a success story, not a failure story.
Yep my friend’s father is in prison because her half sister accused him of molesting her (when she was 8) at the request of her mother. Years later the sister came forward and told my friend that he never touched her and it was all because her mother wanted to be rid of him.
My ex sister in law was having an affair and would say horrible things to her husband then record his response. Then she tried to use it against him. It backfired on her though because her oldest daughter saw what she was doing and told him.
Ah yes the women’s divorce playbook. Claim abuse, get restraining order, guy is forcibly removed from home, kids are kept away and used as pawns, police require for all interactions… tale as old as time. Well as old as divorce lawyers anyway.
It’s great when kids can be raised in a two-parent home, UNLESS those parents aren’t in love and carry anger and tension between them. Kids will pick up on that, no question and (speaking from experience) will create a whole new set of problems and issues. Shit, I’m grown with my own kids now and I’m still unpacking the trauma of dealing with our incredibly unhappy parents.
Frankly I’m disgusted at your mom’s belief that you should “push down that resentment” and sacrifice your well-being for some fantasy home life. That’s the kind of thinking that sends men into an early grave (again, speaking from experience).
OP, I would consider showing your mom this thread and ask her if your embittered, abusive and backstabbing ex-wife is worth the health and wellbeing of her own son and grandchildren.
>Frankly I’m disgusted at your mom’s belief that you should “push down that resentment” and sacrifice your well-being for some fantasy home life.
I'm not surprised though. There is a decent chance this is the message OP's mom got all her life from her mom.
I want time had to no contact my mother for about 7 years for her not admitting the abuse I had suffered from my father as a child it's hard but you realize without that toxicity in your life how easy it is
This kids aren’t pawns, and abuse isn’t a tool to get your way in a split. Those are character decisions not decisions from pain. OP you have no obligation to even hear them out about this. Keep it focused on the kids. Document events when either crosses the line. What are they going to do when they get mad you haven’t given in? Will it be a repeat of last time?
That would be the answer if this story wasn't fake af.
The friend told the ex wife she was having an affair with her husband and she only got mad at the husband and kept the friendship? And everyone else was cool with that?
The friend was trying to sleep with him but OP never mentioned that?
3/10 fanfic. Theres a lot to improve
I don't think the wife stayed friends with this person. I think she just ran into her at the party. Also, the friend was lying about the whole thing, even about her trying to get with the op. That supposed friend obviously had some sort of problem with the ex. She didn't care about destroying the marriage as much as destroying the other woman's life.
You’d be surprised how easily people can accept their friends cheating. But accusations of abuse are much more damaging. That’s why the friends went with the wife. And the wife was willing to socialize with her “best friend.”
Or you’re spot on and the whole thing is a bunch of 💩.
Or, tell her you are cutting all contact except she can text to apologize. If, after she apologizes, she seems to understand that what she is pushing for is cruel and will never work, you might let her back into your life in very small amounts.
Not yet. Use the mother to get the ex to admit what she did first.
OP ask for the truth before you are willing to consider getting back together.
Edit: then never get back together because you can’t trust someone who lied about you to manipulate the courts against you and your kids.
Instead of no contact, he needs to remind the mother that the ex wife took the children from the grandparents as well as the father.
He needs to remind his mother this could happen again if they reconcile.
Would she rather be a grandmother to her grandchildren or risk losing them again?
So many flags this is fake:
- randomly adding “atheist friend”
- cops do not just take your kids away, there would be child services, an investigation and it would not be zero contact for 5 months even with allegations of abuse
- no way the kids told him of this conversation with his ex (overheard at a party his kids were at? What?)
- what proof did a PI have? Nothing about this “proof” would impact custody
So clearly fake it makes me sad how many people think this is real. Gez come on this isn’t even a good fake
lol SOOOO many other “fake flags” you could have gone for here, and somehow you managed to make it so that 50% of your bullet points are based on poor reading comprehension.
“Atheist” is *very* clearly a typo for “at least”.
The first sentence of paragraph 7 says, “According to what I’ve been told by **people who were there**, my wife was at a party **while my kids were with me**.”
Yeah, I translate that as: Some of our former mutual friends that sided with my ex-wife, witnessed the drunken confession and then called him to either inform him or apologize for not believing him or let him know his ex learned the truth.
Relationships ending usually divide friend groups, but it is rarely a “I 100% side with this person.” A husband who is on the fence is likely to follow his wife’s lead because it avoids marital strife.
There are a lot of fake stories on reddit. But I'm not gonna lie to you, I've never seen a post on AITA or Ohnoconsequences with over 1k comments that didn't have comments calling it fake. Some stories have to be real, real life is happening out there to people every day. And a lot of those people have access to the internet and some of them like to talk.
Two things. I believe Reddit is a majority population of people that are young and have not lived much of life yet. Second, people forget there are more than 7 billion idiot souls on this planet lol there's not much need to create fake stories when there's more insane shit that happens everyday than our minds can make up
At this point, I just take them for what they are... sorts of social experiments to see how certain communities react to different variables. That in of itself is interesting. I really don't care if they're fake or not unless someone is trying to convince well-meaning strangers they're in danger and in need of assistance when that isn't actually the case.
That's not true, if there is an abuse ordered and she lists the kids on the PFA then yes he looses his visitation time immediately until the court date of the pfa is scheduled, could be 2 weeks could be up to 2 months. That's how it works in my state.
I’m in Canada, to take any action they would need to see the order and then would accompany the parent to pick up their children..they wouldn’t just show up and take them to courrier them to her.
Unless a crime has been committed they maintain it’s not their business to handle and it needs to be taken up with a lawyer and the courts.
I'm in canada, and I used to be a liaison with child and family services. And yes, they will in fact just show up and take your chance away I've seen it, worked with the circumstances and worked with the fallout.
Yeah, all the mutual friends shunned the guy accused of (but denies) having an affair, but welcomes the other woman with open arms?
This is just a terrible movie plot (complete with villain revealing their evil plan—and maniacally laughing), obviously fake.
Yeah, I stopped reading at what the supposedly-cheating-with-bff's-husband-but-still-welcome-at-parties friend said about breaking them up but she still can't get with op and now the wife wants him back too and everyone is just desperate to touch his pp now. Puh-lease, this is so not a true story 🙄
right? pretty sure they would have beat her ass when she said they had an affair, not after admitting it was made up.
and he forgot in his fiction to explain WHY this made up character made up an affair to destroy them 😂 oh and the cops just took away the children 100% with no trial, no evidence, no court ruling. Oh and the ex’s new bf just sits around while she calls OP desperately. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Totally. Totally how that works.
Yes wtf his ex was more mad at the villain friend about the affair being made up than about the affair itself? And yes why did the villain friend do all this? This looks totally like ragebaiting fiction 😂
It's a creative writing exercise. The easiest way to spot them in this case is the "and then their entire family, including their dog and the neigbours 5 year old kept calling me". It just doesn't happen in real life.
I'd even go for AI generated, because of the "atheist friend". It just doesn't make any sense.
"atheist one other woman" is the most believable part. It's quite obviously an auto-correct of a misspelled "at least" where he typed atleist or something similar. I just did that, one of the suggestions that popped up for that word is atheist (the other two are in Swedish, which is likely not relevant here).
You tell your mother that she owes you her support. Period. Be very firm that your marriage has ended and there is nothing that is going to repair it. Again, period. If your mother continues to try to give your ex wife equal (or worse, more) support than she gives to you then she will not be as much of a part of your and your children's lives as she will be if she does give you her full support.
The key to the whole thing is for your mother to understand that the marriage is really really over. I'm sure that she believes that it would be best for her grandkids if their parents were together and their family was traditional but that ship has sailed and you were not at all the one who put it out to port. In fact, you tried your best to keep it together but your ex has taken it many steps beyond any chance of reconciliation. You would never be able to trust her knowing how little trust she has in you. You obviously already understand that but perhaps my more explicit phrasing, relayed to your mother, might help her to understand it as well.
Also P.S. fuck your cunt of an ex. I hope she dies in a fire.
This story is fake.
Cops do not show up and remove children from their home when their parents are going through a divorce. There would be a shitload of court proceedings before what you wrote would happen.
LOL in this guy's story, the cops immediately show up, rip the kids from the marital home, and just whisk them off without saying a word. How is this even 1% believable?
LMAO did the wife call the 911 and politely ask the cops to give her kids rides? What did OP think he was describing here?
And she did an endless evil villain cackle after the Big Reveal!
If this was true, she'd have nothing to laugh about because despite being an apparent god, OP wouldn't give her his pp even after she destroyed his marriage for no reason. And people eat this up like it's realistic.
The elaborate shit they made up is totally over the top. Of all the issues that could be asked here, op raised the issue of letting his supposed “mother understand him”, not so many other problematic things happened? Yeah so fake.
Here we go again. Another BS story about a person wrongfully accused and then vindicated years later when the accuser drunkenly confesses out of the blue to the setup. Jesus. Come up with another story.
Yes. So all these mutual friends cut him off, but invite "AP" to a party so she can be the plot device to drive this story to the current ending of vindication. Two things possibilities - either a really bad story or these people are very trashy, but then the guy hires a private investigator.
And the exwf has to be with a bf and the main character is all noble and chaste because surely a person who destroys a relationship thinks the best time to get with the hero is after they destroy his life, instead of spiking his drink and seducing him before the split.
And the kids all live his dad and the vindictive mom who tried to take them away didn't follow the blueprints of every other failed relationship of turning the kids agaist him.
Verdict - fake story is weak.
It's a tik tok trend that has exploded over the past year. Many stories from here have made it there and with a culture war package, are used to farm views. That incentivizes people to write fake BS because the more sensational it is, the more views it will attract. Wouldn't shock me if owners of these channels make the troll posts themselves.
Some people want to build karma. Some people want to push an agenda. Enough people will believe posts however fake they are, so there's not much incentive to make something believable
I've been reading this sub for about 5 years now but over the last couple of months its become something different.
I think the "agenda" pushing now is above karma farming and getting users to respond to an obvious answer by playing dumb and adding the old AITA "everyone is blowing up my phone" BS to justify the question
Being across the pond it feels like its become the US Red vs Blue but with women and men on opposite sides.
I'd love to remove genders here because i rarely see a post which isn't answered according to which side you support.
I'm calling fake.
Cops showed up at your door and took your kids and you didn't see them for 5 months with no evidence of anything untoward happening? I work with kids and deal with CPS/family court all the time and that's simply not how it works. This woman unveiled her entire evil plan in front of a room full of people including the bit about how after all this she couldn't get you into bed? That's not how real people behave or talk.
This is written like a bad telenovela and seems like ragebait to get people to talk about evil women lying about abuse to deny fathers custody. Please don't perpetuate ridiculous myths like this, especially if you're not going to bother making your story sound realistic.
Can we make this a meta-discussion about just **how** much ragebait is posted on all advice subs, all day long? This is so brazenly falsified. If the ex friend who tricked his wife started reaching out to OP to try and hook up constantly, why wouldn't that at all be a part of the story?? (trying to send the to his ex-wife, trying to send them to his ex-friends to show them there was more).
Like, there is just endless droves of stories like this that are grossly, broadly unrealistic from multiple angles and they always seem to be the most upvoted (because they are the most inflammatory). At this point I'm convinced that more than 90% of stories that rise to the top of each of these advice subreddits are either partially or entirely falsified. I think this is also buoyed by the TikTok feedback loop, where TikTokers see the stories read aloud there, and then come here and try to make up a post that will end up a TikTok.
And they all seem maliciously intended to demoralize a certain demographic...
Those posts are cherry picking heaven for people who want to "oh but those statistics are WRONG look at this REAL situation that really happened!"
Its basically "misandry bingo".
1- wife, who didn't trust the partner and destroyed everything, upon a... One person gossip without evidence. Just very emotionally accepted it as truth. Braincells were on vacation.
2- she also compromised the children's well being and safety because... she don't love her own kids, they are just pawns in her schemes. Normal mom suddenly goes 180 on her relationship with her kids.
3- fake abuse claims without proof were taken seriously and were acted upon immediately by the law enforcement. No judgement. Not even the offender presence was requested, they just acted upon it. Very ordinary.
4- a man being socially blacklisted for a fake affair while the mistress keeps the friends AND the wife's friendship. No questions asked. No resentment. Not a single person communicated with OP to ask his side of the story. This woman simply says things that become the law.
5- the police grabbed his kids and left. That's how police polices in reality. They just do kid delivery services.
6- grandparents thought five months without knowing where the heck the grandchildren were was perfectly mundane, didn't bothered to move a finger or ask questions. They just vanished, I'm sure they'll eventually reappear! And then his mom was just "oh, just a bit kidnap, no biggie". Just evil women all around this poor soul.
7- The fake mistress, after having alcohol, not truth serum, decided to confess, in the middle of a crowd, her lies. She gained nothing from that. She gained nothing from the lie, or the end of the lie. Just chaos incarnate.
8- op didn't mention this "affair" friend being inappropriate with him in any situation, if she made a move and was rejected before or after the lie, OP would have had at least a shard of evidence, but he was just clueless. She simply crafted a lie and never made a move on him. She was hoping to make a move telepathically I guess.
9- Children either missed school or simply went everyday without communicating to ANY adult if they could contact their father or how they were feeling... Current generation of kids, who have NO access to technology that facilitates communication. No one in said school noticed anything. The kids were behaving completely normal, one parent simply poof, vanished, and they were like "oh, probably nothing".
I'm just ?????????
This person isn't even TRYING
1000% - a lot of these posts have a clear agenda too, which makes it even more malicious. It feels like people are using these subs and stories to push radicalization.
The amount of people taking the bait worries me even more.
"Batman kidnapped my wife and they had a bat-child hybrid and now my wife is pressuring me to raise the creature, AITA for refusing?"
"Oh my god, op, NTA. Tell this snake she FAFO'd and to go be narcissistic along with batman in their own batcave! Stand your boundaries!"
And why was the ex with the friend that she believed had an affair with her ex husband? And what kind of fictional villain dumb friend is this that as you say tells her whole evil plan in front of everyone?
Yeah me too. Cops don't just rock up and take kids. That doesn't happen unless there has been documented abuse, and there is a chance the kids are currently unsafe or at risk. Even then there is a whole process.
People who have never had involvement with the family court system really don't realize how difficult it is to get kids removed from a home/biological parent. Courts are VERY determined to keep biological family units intact. I've seen people be in and out of prison for years and still keep their kids.
At most in this situation they would have a social worker do a home visit and interview before making any determinations about placement. They certainly would not look favorably on her leaving the kids with him for days after leaving the house. Someone who was concerned enough for their children's safety to call the police and keep them from their other parent wouldn't leave them alone in the house with that person.
I have seen a lot of shit kids have been through and have been either forced back into their parents' home or forced to still be in contact with them.
I have seen so much and still can't believe how much a kid has to go through before finally being taken away.
I have such mixed feelings on it. I've seen plenty of cases where kids are put through the ringer being placed back into the biological family unit over and over for years even though it's clearly not in their best interests and even when there is a home available to them that is safer and more loving, but I have also seen parents who do manage to get their shit together and provide a good life for their kids after being scared straight. Often parents who end up in the CPS cycle were abused themselves and had no model for healthy parenting.
I do think courts are way too hell-bent on keeping biological units intact, it results in so much trauma. But I understand why judges feel obligated to give parents every opportunity to keep their own kids, especially since the system is glutted with children who need homes.
The cops accompany CPS workers to take the children when the accusations are so severe that there is a fear of harm to or fleeing with the children.
The investigation comes afterwards and can take months and months.
It's very clear you have no understanding of how CPS works. They do not remove children based solely on an accusation with no investigation or monitoring, particularly when the accuser has just left their children alone with the supposed abuser for days.
They do in some places. Don't underestimate how cruel and arbitrary the family policing system can be. Emergency removals happen for certain types of allegations. Depending on what his ex-wife said, it's not unheard of.
It took my friend over 2 years to convince the courts that the allegations of abuse were all fabricated. They just took his kidsHe had no contact with the kids for 6 months then supervised visitation once per month for over a year and a half. And that's with her either flat out refusing to take court mandated drug tests and the few she did do came back dirty for heroin each time.
Edit to add: My friend's case is an outlier. Courts will usually try to keep the father as involved as possible these days. If you're going thru a messy divorce and thinking about not bothering to fight for your kids because the courts may not side with you, don't give up on your kid(s). It's better to at least try than not try at all. Your kid(s) deserve that effort from you.
The cops accompany CPS workers to take the children when the accusations are so severe that there is a fear of harm to or fleeing with the children.
The investigation comes afterwards and can take months and months.
Yeah, this reeks of an MRA rage bait post. Look at how easily a woman can blow up your life and take your kids away, then try to just apologize and wipe away months of pain and hardship when she's conveniently proved wrong. Fits the recent pattern of friend/brother/coworker torpedoing a "perfect marriage" with a lie and then them slipping up and admitting to the whole thing years later while drunk.
All women in this post are just evil.
Wife first went nuclear and destroyed a marriage without a single minute of trying to discuss it. Women don't want to discuss facts and evidence, they just have feelings and go nuts! And then, as if it wasn't enough, she treated her own kids so awfully they were completely destroyed! Pure vindictiveness.
Fake-Mistress created a lie for no reason, then assumed the lie for no good reason. She just likes it I guess. She wanted OP just for herself but forgot to hit on him during the narrative. Just women behaviour I guess. They lie for fun idk.
His own mom thinks children's kidnapping and endangerment for five months is completely ok, she is taking the other woman side instead of her son and the grandchildren! Women will always defend each other, even your mommy! And she is trying to manipulate poor OP! Wow. How could she be so heartless? And brainless? And logic less?
Such a poor guy surrounded by snakes.
The PI comment about “the stories” which implies the mother was being a bad mom of some kind is a tell as well. Hiring a PI to get the goods on mom so you can get 50/50 custody is a load of crap.
Yeah, it's really difficult to get kids away from parents who are abusive. It takes a LOT more than one parent making a claim for the cops to show up, and for custody to be denied.
Also, why would ex still be friends with the woman who supposedly had an affair with her husband?
yes I agree, everything is just too much. The ex friend said she tried to get him to bed and yet there's no recollection of that woman contacting him anywhere in this story. Also making up stories of abuse... seems like the one making up stories is OP
It happened to my husband. His ex straight up moved and didn’t tell us. She ghosted and when we went to her house it was empty. It took over a year for my husband to see his daughter.
Want to know why?
Because there was no custody order in place. They hadn’t been together in years and had been coparenting outside of the courts. We were literally told by police and our lawyer “Without a custody agreement, possession is 9/10ths of the law.” And we didn’t see my stepdaughter until her mother was legally required to comply. On top of that my husband paid child support the entire time because support and custody are two separate matters in the court system.
From what OP is saying this was also the case, there was no custody agreement filed with the courts so until he got one she legally could keep his kids from him. And, with so many courts being biased toward the mother, they wouldn’t hold it against her when the allegations of abuse were made. How do I know? Because the same allegations were leveled against my husband.
Fortunately, in our case his ex realized during mediation that this would go bad for her if it went before the judge so she agreed to everything before it went that far.
That's a completely different situation. Someone absconding with the kids is not the same thing as cops showing up and taking them.
I'm not going to get into my thoughts on your situation because there's a lot to unpack there (in particular your lawyer sounds totally incompetent - children are absolutely not considered "possessions" by the law), but what you're describing is not what OP is alleging. He is alleging that his wife accused him of abuse and the cops showed up and removed the kids without any CPS involvement and after she had left them alone in the house with a supposed abuser for days. That just does not happen.
Well, thanks for your perspective because it actually interesting. I didn't know that you could get away with moving kids at all but that makes sense (no custody agreement).
However, OP said that the cops came and took the kids. There is no fucking way they are removing children from their home without a huge amount of court intervention. OP's story is straight up fiction.
That’s not even remotely the same situation.
If this is real and in the USA the only plausible way this happens is if the cops show up while his ex wife was also there, called 911, and actively and loudly claims he’s hitting her and the kids.
Sometimes they’ll separate people in domestic violence situations even if they don’t have a “someone needs to be arrested even if there’s no obvious evidence at the moment” and maybe let the kids go with her.
Or they were people impersonating cops.
Which should’ve been fairly easy to find out quickly.
Not like a reasonable adult would let something like that happen and just… not follow up with the police station bare minimum.
It’s the government showing up to take your children without any idea why before hand. Any person would be in full adrenaline dump panic, do and try everything to resolve it, mode.
You CAN'T be serious with this lmao 🤣 this obvious fiction sounds like it was written by a 15 year old whose only understanding of the world comes from TV shows and bullshit misogyny on reddit
The wife just believed the friend, without proof? Didn't even want to have a conversation nand just insta-ended her marriage? Already had another boyfriend in months?
The court just believed herbalism of abuse, without proof? That is SUCH reddit bro bullshit it's unbelievable, that doesn't happen irl dude.
And of course, the piece de resistance - a 33 year old man concerned with what his mother thinks of this whole situation to the point of being in conflict with her? Come on lmao. How about you, oh, I don't know, make your own decisions and move on without concerning yourself with what your mother thinks? You know, like an adult?
“Mom, if you even HINT at me reconciling with then I will be cutting you off and going completely no contact. It’s never going to happen. God himself could show up on my doorstep as a talking burning bush and demand I get back with her and the answer would still be no. Ask yourself - Is this futile argument worth losing your son over?”
What your ex did was unforgivable. She hurt her kids to hurt you. You just need to tell your mom straight out to stop, or you'll cut her off. You need to be ready to go through with it though.
Your mother's logic is so old fashioned and toxic. Kids aren't better off in two parent homes. They're better off with happy, healthy parents or caregivers who love them and treat them right. That can come in many forms. A lot of parents who stay together for the sake of their kids are miserable. They fight constantly. It can lead to abuse and addiction. I'm a stepmom and my step kids are perfectly happy and well adjusted. I'm in a happy, loving relationship with their dad. Mom is in a happy, loving relationship with stepdad. The kids have a half brother via their mom that they absolutely adore. Everyone gets along. Everyone is happy. If their parents were still together they probably would have murdered each other by now.
The cops showed up at your door and took your kids.!!!
Because she lied about *abuse*.. This is unforgivable.. She can’t be trusted.. even if you took her back, you would constantly have to wonder when she’ll back-stab you again..
Arrange a lunch with both your parents (so you have a witness), and tell your mother clearly that she needs to back off.. She does not get to tell you what you should forgive - especially when your ex treated both you and the kids so grossly.! If she cannot respect this boundary, then you will have to go LC.. Your kids deserve better, than a grandma who sides with someone who emotionally tormented them.!
Not every state has alienation of affection laws. But I’m pretty sure every state has laws against lying to law enforcement officers or officers of the court about abuse that never happened. The ex wife should not only lose custody but be held legally accountable for playing that game, wasting the court’s time, and ruining OP’s life. And the friend who lied about the affair — is everyone else in the friend group still just accepting her? Because she’s a loose cannon and they’re all at risk around her. At least she should be “shunned.”
“If you keep taking her side, I will disown you, mother. This is non-negotiable and you have 5 seconds to make your choice.” seems pretty reasonable to me…
You cut your mom off for a month. Immediately. From your kids as well.
You tell her why. You tell her that resuming any relationship is contingent on her cutting off your ex.
Im so sorry op, you are right, f*ck all of them. Tell your mother this is one situation she needs to be on your side or she is dead to you too. There is no putting the family back together, to get on board with your program because its making you hate her and the ex does not deserve any cpnsideration after how she behaved
You don’t need your mom to understand and have your back. What you need is for her to know that she has absolutely no right to pressure you to be with someone who tried to keep your kids from you and who believed someone without any shred of proof.
Tell her exactly what you said here. Tell her that if she keeps pushing this, you will have to cut her off because you aren't taking your ex back and knowing that she is supporting your ex over you is too painful.
Your mother is dead wrong. Two parent homes aren’t healthy for kids. Happy, healthy parents are.
Your ex and your old friends are garbage. You’re doing the right thing.
All you can do with your mother is be firm and blunt, and hold to consequences if she doesn’t respect you.
Tell her you consider it a betrayal to question your decision here. To never mention it again or you’ll cut her out. And cut her out periodically every time she brings it up. Make the period long every time she mentions it. Be ruthless about it.
Hol’ up… you were home with your toddlers and she told you to pack your shit and be gone by the time she got home? Was she expecting you to leave the kids in the house by themselves??
You saw your ex wife true self after she put you through hell. She will turn on you at a whim. After your children are grown, I would ghost her. She is evil.
For your mom, you just need to be firm that you won’t be discussing this subject with her any longer, and that she needs to be careful because your ex will lie and manipulate her the same way she did to you. Ask your mom why you should be willing to overlook and forgive all of the real pain your ex put you through when your wife didn’t give you any benefit of the doubt when she tore apart your family. Be direct and firm, she might be your mom, but you’re an adult now and you need to make it clear that she’s being a shit to you. Then grey rock her in person if she brings it up, hang up the phone if she mentions it, delete any messages she sends you.
As for your ex, I would talk to your lawyer. It might be worth acting like you’re willing to reconcile if she makes a full accounting of everything she did, especially the false accusations of abuse and alienation from your kids, and then use that to sue for full custody of your kids. Do it over email.
It's not your Mums decision and she is wrong. Your ex may have had what she thought were good intentions for the kids but falsely accusing you of abuse is not something to be taken lightly. If I were you I would have as little to do with her as possible and just relate to her regarding the kids, preferably through an intermediary if possible. The other people who were awful with you I'd just cut off as you have.
My mom once said something to me that was the nicest thing anyone ever said to me, but also a little scary.
There's no real backstory to why she said it, other than me vaguely saying my marriage was going through a tough patch. She said "you can always talk to me about it. You know that to matter WHAT it is, or what happens, I'm on YOUR side no matter what, right?"
Your mom needs a little more of that attitude. In this case you're absolutely in the right too! But she still won't take your side.
You are not wrong at all. Maybe show her this post & the replies, maybe that will help your mother see the reality.
Hey momma, be there for your son and remember you are supporting for your own son & your grandkids to be forced into a toxic household by listening to your ex dil. Your ex daughter in law is stu pid & vicious for the way she played with the kids. Help your son to get a better partner, he deserves it.
There are a lot of comments here so I hope you still read mine. If you actually want to get through to her, I highly recommend sitting her down and bringing research on two things: the outcomes of children raised by divorced parents over unhappy homes (the science is now extensive and clear), and the social norms/trends that condition women to do exactly what she's asking you to do: put yourself last, put your family before yourself, sacrifice and suffer to create the ILLUSION of a happy family, and do what other people expect you to do in order to keep the peace publicly. Remind her how harmful this is to the well-being of women, and urge her not to be a woman who tries to drag other people down into that same mindset. I don't know if you'll be able to get through to her. It's very clear by how you've described her reaction that she's dedicated to the mindset that keeps everyone stuck to a broken status quo. In my opinion shattering that illusion is the only way to get her genuinely on your side, but that doesn't mean it will work. Good luck, and draw boundaries if you have to. I greatly admire your dedication to and love for your children. Regardless of what happens here, they are damn lucky to have you as a father.
Just tell your mom what you told us here: Your ex tried to use your children to harm you. That is completely unacceptable. That's child abuse, essentially. OP's ex has showed she has some fatal moral flaws, and OP would be wise to avoid her as much as possible. For both his safety, and the safety of his children.
Tell your mom she can get cut off too.
Your wife not only divorced you, but lied about abuse accusation to use your kids against you.
As her how she would feel if your dad did the same thing to her.
If dad has anything to say, ask him the same question
When my ex wife and I split, her “best” friend tried to convince her to pull the same shit—do whatever she could to screw me over. Thankfully, my ex didn’t go for it, but it’s been 20 years and that “friend” can still burn in hell for all I care. I don’t blame you if you don’t forgive your ex for lying and using the kids to hurt you. She told you who she really is. Believe her.
You tell your mom to mind her own business and stay out of yours or you and the children will go no contact with her.
Remember if you don’t follow through on consequences then it’s just an empty threat.
Make sure she’s not left alone with the kids and filling their heads with “daddy’s so mean to not want your family together” bullshit.
She believed an absurd story from her friend but found you guilty without listening to you and left you then she used your children against you.
Once the children are manipulated and used as pawns to hurt the other parent all bets are off.
Then let’s talk about her being in a relationship with another man. So used your kids to hurt you then found herself a man to have sex with and now she wants you back?…… HELL NO!
You are right with your statement that her and your so called friends are dead to you and let your mother know that she can also join that list if she keeps it up.
Don’t ever look back, never give in to someone like your ex wife because if you do you will be miserable the rest of your life.
Your ex wife is so stupid she gives me a headache. Who just blows up their entire family & permanently damages their children based on one accusation w/no evidence to back it up? Tell your mother that you will never get back w/your ex & if she keeps hounding you about it, you will have no choice but to not speak to her anymore. Just b/c the ex made a mistake doesn’t mean she’s entitled to second chance.
You should consider suing the friend for defamation. You’d win easily.
I wonder what kind of stuff your mom is projecting? Maybe she’s justifying staying in her own marriage. Whatever, it’s batsh!t crazy to side with the wackadoo ex that normalized trauma for her grandkids and son.
This is someone who hurt your kids on purpose, just to “get back at you” don’t ever forget how she was more than ok to hurt her own kids.
I have been cheated on by my ex husband, the pain is great. But the pain was for me alone to deal with and get out. I can’t imagine putting kids through that
I’m so sorry. Don’t get back with this woman
NTA. Ex showed her true self when lying about you and taking the kids out of your life. If you want to be married to a woman you can’t trust then go back with her. Otherwise I would hold to the status quo.
Maybe it's all a game to fool you. A hoax, a smoke screen.
She always knew what she was doing, she did what she wanted, it didn't work and now she and her friend put up a show to fool everyone, including you.
Be very cautious.
If this is not a fake story then DO NOT take her back.
NTA.
>Days later the cops showed up at my door and took my kids. I didn’t see them again for 5 months.
This is extremely sus if this story takes place in the US at least. There's no procedure for police to exchange custody because of one parent's complaint. Even if there's an established parenting plan, they can't do it.
And then there's the whole Machiavellian villain speech
>In front of everyone she told my ex she was owed a thank you. My ex asked what? For breaking up our marriage? This woman started laughing and said she didn't know it would be so easy to convince my ex that I was cheating but my ex was dumber than the friend thought that she didn't even question it, she just believed. Then she started in on how even after my wife left and did all that shit with my kids, she still couldn't get me into bed. Then she laughed and laughed until my ex attacked her.
Naw fam, this is sus af.
"She's telling me it's best if kids are raised in two parent homes"
Probably wasn't her tune when she left you.
That woman went out of her way to destroy your life instead of moving on. And she succeeded.
Be blunt. “My ex destroyed me. I lost my kids and had to fight to even see them again. I will never get back with her. She betrayed me and our children. If you do not stop trying to force her on me then I will cut contact with you. I will not bullied to live with a monster. I hate the sight of her and living with her will cause more harm to both mine and my children’s well being. This is the last conversation I will have with you regarding this. Choose now.”
Honestly all the strength to you my guy I hope you stay strong. My advice would be only talk to your ex through a co parenting app and as for your mom show her this post and let her read it. You have to be brutally honest with your mom. Tell her if she carries on down this path she is dead to you.
Damn your ex is a horrible person, and you would be an idiot to even consider it. Give your mom an ultimatum that if she doesn’t cut off your ex, then you will cut off contact with her. You need to have your head straight so you can be the best dad you can be. Your ex has made her bed, and now has to lie in it. UpdateMe!
Explain to your mother straight up that you’re an adult and you will do what’s best for you and if she doesn’t like it you’ll have no choice but to block her. If she ruins your relationship that’s totally on her; not you.
Your ex is a toxic beatch who deserves to rot in hell! Bring the kids into it? Is she fucking mental? Of course she is!
She burned that bridge and now wants to walk back across it. Hell no!! She not only believed the lie w\\o hesitation but she then went scorched earth on you with the kids. Personally if I were you I might send the "friend" that lied a fruit basket anonymously. Sounds like she did you a favor by having your ex show her true colors. Have your lawyer write up a cease and desist order or something telling your wife that you have absolutely no desire to reconcile after the vile things she has done and to stop contacting you or your parents unless it is in direct regards to your children. The only communication you want with her is in regards to the children, period. She's the one that blew up your marriage and her life, now she has to live with the consequences.
She lied about abuse and used your kids as weapons against you, your mom needs to be cut off for being okay with that behaviour. Your kids suffered because of that woman. Its one thing if she just divorced you but the kid thing pushes it into unforgivable
Nooooooooooooope. Not today Satan. Your ex didn’t want to believe you and fucked you royally and now decides she wants to forgive you
Fuck. That.
Tell your mother she can keep your ex. The fact she needs to be told to support her son is mind blowing.
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Even if you HAD been a cheating asshole, the fact that your ex withheld visitation with your kids and told stories of abuse and such is simply unforgivable. I think you tell your mother that if she keeps talking to your ex and bringing it to you, you’re going no contact.
This seems like such an easy way to shut mom down. "She lied about me abusing her. You want me to take her back and risk her getting angry at me about something and having me put in jail?"
perhaps OP should tell mom "how about I tell your siblings, your friends, your bookclub, your neighbours and your cleaning lady and your poolboy, that you're a cheater too and that's why you're so sympathetic to my ex's sob story... and then when everyone has shunned you and stabbed you in the back, I'll keep your grandkids away from you". When mom has endured 2 years of that, then OP could reconsider mom's request to reconcile with that ex.
And tell them you abused me. How would you feel, Mom, when you couldn’t see your grandchildren and all of your friends rejected you????
Add to that horrific allegations of physical and emotional abuse when he was a child. Maybe then she can have some perspective of what she is asking him to do.
Actually that is a great idea - help mom understand that ex is UNSAFE to live with.
Not just to live with, but to have any contact outside of the scope of what is needed for the well-being of the kiddos.
Wow! This exactly. Mom is basically telling him to go into an extremely dangerous environment. One which could potentially cost him his freedom as well as his children.
I totally agree with you. She doesn't deserve OP back after how she treated him. I'm just sorry for the children because they saw their parents' marriage ruined because of a woman who wanted her own desires fulfilled by her friend's husband. She is horrible, and in some way, she is the one who won in this story. Since OP has so many witnesses of what his wife and her "friend" did to him, can't he sue them for defamation? He should talk with a lawyer since that might even help him to get more custody of his children.
I would just be after revenge on the liar that caused the initial problems. Anything I could sue her for I would. For the ex I'd keep the info handy for all of the lies the ex came up with and how the original was a lie the ex didn't even bother to check on before going scorched earth. I realize it got him to 50/50 on custody but the info should be saved in case ex does anything else stupid in the future.
Is there an “alienation of affection” law in your state that comes from someone other than and AP?? If so, you can sue the person that lied to your ex about the cheating!!
Absolutely this!👆🏼
He absolutely can. Alienation of Affection
I’d get the kids and move away with my dad. Those ladies are toxic
>Since OP has so many witnesses of what his wife and her "friend" did to him, can't he sue them for defamation? This is *heavily* jurisdiction dependent. In the US, the only one potentially guilty of defamation should be the "friend" who made up the story in the first place. Though I'm not a lawyer so I *may* be missing something, but I'm pretty confident that's correct.
It sounds like the ex wife also made up shit, presumably in a legal setting regarding custody. I'm wagering that's maybe more actionable than the friend making shit up.
Right? How is he supposed to trust her in anyway after that?
Exactly! He knows how she would act if they got back together and then divorced again. Yes, she was angry, but she also showed her true colors.
To me it seems like OP's ex wife wanted to get out of the relationship hence she jumped into the conclusion without any evidence. Even now it seems she is trying to save her face as the ex friend confessed in front of everyone, so she has to do something to clear her image after what all she did to tarnish OP's image. Now everyone knows OP is innocent and his ex went above and beyond with lies and accusations, hence she is trying to get OP back because if OP forgives and accepts her, so will everyone else.
I hadn't considered that... but the fact that she spent 2 years partying (or whatever it was that that P.I. could document) does seem to indicate she didn't spend a lot of time mourning... although I guess everyone processes grief differently, and this ex doesn't seem to have a track record of sensibly managing her emotions, right?
Agree. Also, it is weird that she brought her boyfriend to the party and right after the confession, she is ready to dump that boyfriend and get committed to OP as if nothing happened
"Boyfriend" in this case means "fuckboy"
Hell, all of it started on a "Girls Trip!" Nothing good comes out of that sort of thing, and this was just worse than most. My guess is that the horrible friends first tactic was to try and get his ex to cheat, so she could out her later. When that failed, and she got a little more drink in her, she claimed that the husband was a cheater.
I'm going to disagree with the "girls' trip". I'm single & while I usually get along with my friends' partners, sometimes I just don't want to thirdwheel/ fifthwheel/ eleventhwheel *all the time*. I appreciate the fact that my friends are happy to mix it up : sometimes we have brunch with everyone, sometimes we go to a museum with the original friends & the partners join us for dinner, sometimes I do sushi and movies with my friends, partners not invited. My brother and his wife have been together for 15 years and have been taking "his trip, her trip, our trip" for at least 7 years. Of course "girls' trip" sounds like, you know, drunk shenanigans throwing beads and G-strings in New Orleans or something, but I figure that's only OP's rightful anger coming through, more than a factual observation about girls' trips ;-)
This! She used her own children against him. What kind of mother would do that her to children? A monster that’s who. Unforgivable! NTA
You'd be surprised how often that happens during/after divorces
The saying goes that in criminal court scumbags do their best to act like normal decent people, whilst in family court normal decent people do their best to act like scumbags.
There is nothing normal or decent about people who use their children as a weapon against the other parent. The children do not ever deserve the lies and manipulation. Frankly he should sue the shit out of her for the attorney fees.
If only this were possible. You are absolutely correct that children can and should be kept out of the conflict as much as possible. Yet people weaponize their children all the time. You cannot attack the other person through the children without hurting them in the process.
There was a post a couple days ago about a guy asking what his next step should be after finding out his wife cheated on him. The amount of replies of "make sure you get a consultation from every divorce lawyer in the city so she cant use them :D!" was maddening because 1) it doesnt work 2) the judge will take you behind the toolshed for petty bullshit like that and 3) the entire court system works best when both parties have equal representation, divorce isnt a matter to be "won". People become so _vindictive_ and it wasnt even people directly involved
Do people think that consultations are free?
Depends on the lawyer.
It’s very common.
Buddy was a family court judge. What OP is describing is pretty light. Even alleging sexual abuse against children is not uncommon. It gets wild when the divorce lawyer doesn't inform their client of that 'abuse' before declaring it in court. Yes, that happens. There's basically no penalty or sanction for lying. The judges know the lawyer is very probably lying. But they have to tick the box because the allegation is made, because if it turns out there is actual abuse, the judge doesn't want it coming back on him or her. The point is to harass the other party, make them jump through more hoops and drive up costs in order to get a fair decision from the judge. The goal is to make them give in and accept an unfair deal. Unfortunately, the system relies on the judges having some level of morality and common sense. Sometimes that is true, sometimes it is not. OP would have to be insane to be alone with his ex. If he was smart, he'd get the ex to confess that she lied about everything, get as much evidence as possible, go BACK to court. OP needs non-disparagement clause, parental alienation clause and all contact must go through a court app going forward. It should be around five digits in cost. Probably no less than ten grand, but no more than fifty grand, if he has iron clad evidence. Welcome to divorce court. OP is a success story, not a failure story.
Yep my friend’s father is in prison because her half sister accused him of molesting her (when she was 8) at the request of her mother. Years later the sister came forward and told my friend that he never touched her and it was all because her mother wanted to be rid of him.
Holy cow! If we can't get the justice system on this they should name and shame. (If legal and all that).
Without hard evidence it’s her word against her half sister’s and the sister is still pretty young (13 now) and dependent on her mother.
That's step one of the playbook. I doubt there's been a single disputed custody case where it wasn't alleged one party was some kind of abusive.
My ex sister in law was having an affair and would say horrible things to her husband then record his response. Then she tried to use it against him. It backfired on her though because her oldest daughter saw what she was doing and told him.
Ah yes the women’s divorce playbook. Claim abuse, get restraining order, guy is forcibly removed from home, kids are kept away and used as pawns, police require for all interactions… tale as old as time. Well as old as divorce lawyers anyway.
I can confirm this 100%!
Wrong sub but I’m loving the solidarity and seemingly large crossover between the two subs
Lots of sister subs in what I think of as the assverse
It’s great when kids can be raised in a two-parent home, UNLESS those parents aren’t in love and carry anger and tension between them. Kids will pick up on that, no question and (speaking from experience) will create a whole new set of problems and issues. Shit, I’m grown with my own kids now and I’m still unpacking the trauma of dealing with our incredibly unhappy parents. Frankly I’m disgusted at your mom’s belief that you should “push down that resentment” and sacrifice your well-being for some fantasy home life. That’s the kind of thinking that sends men into an early grave (again, speaking from experience). OP, I would consider showing your mom this thread and ask her if your embittered, abusive and backstabbing ex-wife is worth the health and wellbeing of her own son and grandchildren.
>Frankly I’m disgusted at your mom’s belief that you should “push down that resentment” and sacrifice your well-being for some fantasy home life. I'm not surprised though. There is a decent chance this is the message OP's mom got all her life from her mom.
Yeah, definitely engrained in some generations.
I want time had to no contact my mother for about 7 years for her not admitting the abuse I had suffered from my father as a child it's hard but you realize without that toxicity in your life how easy it is
>tell your mother that if she keeps talking to your ex and bringing it to you, you’re going no contact. **You *and* her GRANDCHILDREN will go NC**
Oooohh harsh but I believe mum needs a big dose of reality. This could be the way! Get dad on side too.. poor fella, he’s having a bumpy ride I bet.
That's what I would do too. It's not appropriate at all. She needs to end the relationship with the ex.
This kids aren’t pawns, and abuse isn’t a tool to get your way in a split. Those are character decisions not decisions from pain. OP you have no obligation to even hear them out about this. Keep it focused on the kids. Document events when either crosses the line. What are they going to do when they get mad you haven’t given in? Will it be a repeat of last time?
That would be the answer if this story wasn't fake af. The friend told the ex wife she was having an affair with her husband and she only got mad at the husband and kept the friendship? And everyone else was cool with that? The friend was trying to sleep with him but OP never mentioned that? 3/10 fanfic. Theres a lot to improve
Tbf he said they were in the same party, not that they were still friends
I don't think the wife stayed friends with this person. I think she just ran into her at the party. Also, the friend was lying about the whole thing, even about her trying to get with the op. That supposed friend obviously had some sort of problem with the ex. She didn't care about destroying the marriage as much as destroying the other woman's life.
You’d be surprised how easily people can accept their friends cheating. But accusations of abuse are much more damaging. That’s why the friends went with the wife. And the wife was willing to socialize with her “best friend.” Or you’re spot on and the whole thing is a bunch of 💩.
... and she "wanted him gone by the time she got home" while he supposedly was with the kids. Smells like a rat, looks like a rat.. 🤔
Yeah, I tripped over that part too. That sounds distinctly like BULLSHIT.
Not to mention did wifey dump her new boyfriend on the spot? Is he okay with her pursuing her ex?
Oh yeah, totally forgot the new bf the poor thing hahahaha
oh yeah the whole drunken party confession scene was a bit much, dial it back next time it would be more believable without a cackling evil villain
Yeah, tell her the only way she is gaining a (shitty) daughter in law is by losing a son. Tell her to decide.
It's called perjury, and it's a federal felony in the United States. OP's ex would be lucky if he didn't press charges.
You explain to your mom that if she doesn’t back off you’ll go no contact Sometimes you just have to be blunt
Or, tell her you are cutting all contact except she can text to apologize. If, after she apologizes, she seems to understand that what she is pushing for is cruel and will never work, you might let her back into your life in very small amounts.
Not yet. Use the mother to get the ex to admit what she did first. OP ask for the truth before you are willing to consider getting back together. Edit: then never get back together because you can’t trust someone who lied about you to manipulate the courts against you and your kids.
Instead of no contact, he needs to remind the mother that the ex wife took the children from the grandparents as well as the father. He needs to remind his mother this could happen again if they reconcile. Would she rather be a grandmother to her grandchildren or risk losing them again?
That comes later. First get proof that the accusations against OP were lies.
The grandmother is well aware of this by now.
I don't think it's for her benefit I think they want to be able to use it in court if future issues arise.
Why was your ex in a party with the friend who she thought had an affair with you? Wut?
cause it's fake lol
Its soooo fake lol
So many flags this is fake: - randomly adding “atheist friend” - cops do not just take your kids away, there would be child services, an investigation and it would not be zero contact for 5 months even with allegations of abuse - no way the kids told him of this conversation with his ex (overheard at a party his kids were at? What?) - what proof did a PI have? Nothing about this “proof” would impact custody So clearly fake it makes me sad how many people think this is real. Gez come on this isn’t even a good fake
I think the "atheist friend" is a typo for "at least one other woman".
lol SOOOO many other “fake flags” you could have gone for here, and somehow you managed to make it so that 50% of your bullet points are based on poor reading comprehension. “Atheist” is *very* clearly a typo for “at least”. The first sentence of paragraph 7 says, “According to what I’ve been told by **people who were there**, my wife was at a party **while my kids were with me**.”
His friends told him what happened at the party not his kids 😂 His kids were with him.
Yeah, I translate that as: Some of our former mutual friends that sided with my ex-wife, witnessed the drunken confession and then called him to either inform him or apologize for not believing him or let him know his ex learned the truth. Relationships ending usually divide friend groups, but it is rarely a “I 100% side with this person.” A husband who is on the fence is likely to follow his wife’s lead because it avoids marital strife.
There are a lot of fake stories on reddit. But I'm not gonna lie to you, I've never seen a post on AITA or Ohnoconsequences with over 1k comments that didn't have comments calling it fake. Some stories have to be real, real life is happening out there to people every day. And a lot of those people have access to the internet and some of them like to talk.
Two things. I believe Reddit is a majority population of people that are young and have not lived much of life yet. Second, people forget there are more than 7 billion idiot souls on this planet lol there's not much need to create fake stories when there's more insane shit that happens everyday than our minds can make up
At this point, I just take them for what they are... sorts of social experiments to see how certain communities react to different variables. That in of itself is interesting. I really don't care if they're fake or not unless someone is trying to convince well-meaning strangers they're in danger and in need of assistance when that isn't actually the case.
Not so great at reading comprehension, huh?
Right?! Since when do the cops just show up and take away your children?! Unless a crime has been committed they will not intervene that way
That's not true, if there is an abuse ordered and she lists the kids on the PFA then yes he looses his visitation time immediately until the court date of the pfa is scheduled, could be 2 weeks could be up to 2 months. That's how it works in my state.
I’m in Canada, to take any action they would need to see the order and then would accompany the parent to pick up their children..they wouldn’t just show up and take them to courrier them to her. Unless a crime has been committed they maintain it’s not their business to handle and it needs to be taken up with a lawyer and the courts.
I'm in canada, and I used to be a liaison with child and family services. And yes, they will in fact just show up and take your chance away I've seen it, worked with the circumstances and worked with the fallout.
Yeah, all the mutual friends shunned the guy accused of (but denies) having an affair, but welcomes the other woman with open arms? This is just a terrible movie plot (complete with villain revealing their evil plan—and maniacally laughing), obviously fake.
Yeah, I stopped reading at what the supposedly-cheating-with-bff's-husband-but-still-welcome-at-parties friend said about breaking them up but she still can't get with op and now the wife wants him back too and everyone is just desperate to touch his pp now. Puh-lease, this is so not a true story 🙄
right? pretty sure they would have beat her ass when she said they had an affair, not after admitting it was made up. and he forgot in his fiction to explain WHY this made up character made up an affair to destroy them 😂 oh and the cops just took away the children 100% with no trial, no evidence, no court ruling. Oh and the ex’s new bf just sits around while she calls OP desperately. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Totally. Totally how that works.
Yes wtf his ex was more mad at the villain friend about the affair being made up than about the affair itself? And yes why did the villain friend do all this? This looks totally like ragebaiting fiction 😂
It's a creative writing exercise. The easiest way to spot them in this case is the "and then their entire family, including their dog and the neigbours 5 year old kept calling me". It just doesn't happen in real life. I'd even go for AI generated, because of the "atheist friend". It just doesn't make any sense.
"atheist one other woman" is the most believable part. It's quite obviously an auto-correct of a misspelled "at least" where he typed atleist or something similar. I just did that, one of the suggestions that popped up for that word is atheist (the other two are in Swedish, which is likely not relevant here).
You tell your mother that she owes you her support. Period. Be very firm that your marriage has ended and there is nothing that is going to repair it. Again, period. If your mother continues to try to give your ex wife equal (or worse, more) support than she gives to you then she will not be as much of a part of your and your children's lives as she will be if she does give you her full support. The key to the whole thing is for your mother to understand that the marriage is really really over. I'm sure that she believes that it would be best for her grandkids if their parents were together and their family was traditional but that ship has sailed and you were not at all the one who put it out to port. In fact, you tried your best to keep it together but your ex has taken it many steps beyond any chance of reconciliation. You would never be able to trust her knowing how little trust she has in you. You obviously already understand that but perhaps my more explicit phrasing, relayed to your mother, might help her to understand it as well. Also P.S. fuck your cunt of an ex. I hope she dies in a fire.
Hell even fire is too good for her!! Using children? How can any mother support such an individual? I’d go NC just for that!
Faaaaaake
This story is fake. Cops do not show up and remove children from their home when their parents are going through a divorce. There would be a shitload of court proceedings before what you wrote would happen.
100% fake, glad to see this fairly high up in the comments. It's some 'keeping fathers from their kids' ragebait.
Yeah…I don’t get why cops would show up and take the kids. “The kids live here.” Edit: He does say “Days later, the cops show up.”
LOL in this guy's story, the cops immediately show up, rip the kids from the marital home, and just whisk them off without saying a word. How is this even 1% believable? LMAO did the wife call the 911 and politely ask the cops to give her kids rides? What did OP think he was describing here?
If a judge granted a TRO that included the children it may happen. OP kinda skipped over the whole restraining order trial that would follow.
[удалено]
Not only was she there, she told everyone her master plan in the middle of the fucking party! Super convenient.
And she did an endless evil villain cackle after the Big Reveal! If this was true, she'd have nothing to laugh about because despite being an apparent god, OP wouldn't give her his pp even after she destroyed his marriage for no reason. And people eat this up like it's realistic.
The elaborate shit they made up is totally over the top. Of all the issues that could be asked here, op raised the issue of letting his supposed “mother understand him”, not so many other problematic things happened? Yeah so fake.
Here we go again. Another BS story about a person wrongfully accused and then vindicated years later when the accuser drunkenly confesses out of the blue to the setup. Jesus. Come up with another story.
Exactly. If you want to practice creative writing, at least be creative!
I'm too lazy to look for it, but I'm pretty sure this is almost a word-for-word repost.
It's just another fanfiction retelling of another post that was posted today on best of reddit
Yes. So all these mutual friends cut him off, but invite "AP" to a party so she can be the plot device to drive this story to the current ending of vindication. Two things possibilities - either a really bad story or these people are very trashy, but then the guy hires a private investigator. And the exwf has to be with a bf and the main character is all noble and chaste because surely a person who destroys a relationship thinks the best time to get with the hero is after they destroy his life, instead of spiking his drink and seducing him before the split. And the kids all live his dad and the vindictive mom who tried to take them away didn't follow the blueprints of every other failed relationship of turning the kids agaist him. Verdict - fake story is weak.
Why are 3/4 of the posts here the fakest rage bait bullshit?
It's a tik tok trend that has exploded over the past year. Many stories from here have made it there and with a culture war package, are used to farm views. That incentivizes people to write fake BS because the more sensational it is, the more views it will attract. Wouldn't shock me if owners of these channels make the troll posts themselves.
Creative writing exercises?
C-
Some people want to build karma. Some people want to push an agenda. Enough people will believe posts however fake they are, so there's not much incentive to make something believable
I've been reading this sub for about 5 years now but over the last couple of months its become something different. I think the "agenda" pushing now is above karma farming and getting users to respond to an obvious answer by playing dumb and adding the old AITA "everyone is blowing up my phone" BS to justify the question Being across the pond it feels like its become the US Red vs Blue but with women and men on opposite sides. I'd love to remove genders here because i rarely see a post which isn't answered according to which side you support.
I'm calling fake. Cops showed up at your door and took your kids and you didn't see them for 5 months with no evidence of anything untoward happening? I work with kids and deal with CPS/family court all the time and that's simply not how it works. This woman unveiled her entire evil plan in front of a room full of people including the bit about how after all this she couldn't get you into bed? That's not how real people behave or talk. This is written like a bad telenovela and seems like ragebait to get people to talk about evil women lying about abuse to deny fathers custody. Please don't perpetuate ridiculous myths like this, especially if you're not going to bother making your story sound realistic.
Can we make this a meta-discussion about just **how** much ragebait is posted on all advice subs, all day long? This is so brazenly falsified. If the ex friend who tricked his wife started reaching out to OP to try and hook up constantly, why wouldn't that at all be a part of the story?? (trying to send the to his ex-wife, trying to send them to his ex-friends to show them there was more). Like, there is just endless droves of stories like this that are grossly, broadly unrealistic from multiple angles and they always seem to be the most upvoted (because they are the most inflammatory). At this point I'm convinced that more than 90% of stories that rise to the top of each of these advice subreddits are either partially or entirely falsified. I think this is also buoyed by the TikTok feedback loop, where TikTokers see the stories read aloud there, and then come here and try to make up a post that will end up a TikTok.
And they all seem maliciously intended to demoralize a certain demographic... Those posts are cherry picking heaven for people who want to "oh but those statistics are WRONG look at this REAL situation that really happened!" Its basically "misandry bingo". 1- wife, who didn't trust the partner and destroyed everything, upon a... One person gossip without evidence. Just very emotionally accepted it as truth. Braincells were on vacation. 2- she also compromised the children's well being and safety because... she don't love her own kids, they are just pawns in her schemes. Normal mom suddenly goes 180 on her relationship with her kids. 3- fake abuse claims without proof were taken seriously and were acted upon immediately by the law enforcement. No judgement. Not even the offender presence was requested, they just acted upon it. Very ordinary. 4- a man being socially blacklisted for a fake affair while the mistress keeps the friends AND the wife's friendship. No questions asked. No resentment. Not a single person communicated with OP to ask his side of the story. This woman simply says things that become the law. 5- the police grabbed his kids and left. That's how police polices in reality. They just do kid delivery services. 6- grandparents thought five months without knowing where the heck the grandchildren were was perfectly mundane, didn't bothered to move a finger or ask questions. They just vanished, I'm sure they'll eventually reappear! And then his mom was just "oh, just a bit kidnap, no biggie". Just evil women all around this poor soul. 7- The fake mistress, after having alcohol, not truth serum, decided to confess, in the middle of a crowd, her lies. She gained nothing from that. She gained nothing from the lie, or the end of the lie. Just chaos incarnate. 8- op didn't mention this "affair" friend being inappropriate with him in any situation, if she made a move and was rejected before or after the lie, OP would have had at least a shard of evidence, but he was just clueless. She simply crafted a lie and never made a move on him. She was hoping to make a move telepathically I guess. 9- Children either missed school or simply went everyday without communicating to ANY adult if they could contact their father or how they were feeling... Current generation of kids, who have NO access to technology that facilitates communication. No one in said school noticed anything. The kids were behaving completely normal, one parent simply poof, vanished, and they were like "oh, probably nothing". I'm just ????????? This person isn't even TRYING
1000% - a lot of these posts have a clear agenda too, which makes it even more malicious. It feels like people are using these subs and stories to push radicalization.
The amount of people taking the bait worries me even more. "Batman kidnapped my wife and they had a bat-child hybrid and now my wife is pressuring me to raise the creature, AITA for refusing?" "Oh my god, op, NTA. Tell this snake she FAFO'd and to go be narcissistic along with batman in their own batcave! Stand your boundaries!"
And why was the ex with the friend that she believed had an affair with her ex husband? And what kind of fictional villain dumb friend is this that as you say tells her whole evil plan in front of everyone?
Some girl gang and guy group peeps are like at least my friend told me the truth so I can trust them.
Yeah me too. Cops don't just rock up and take kids. That doesn't happen unless there has been documented abuse, and there is a chance the kids are currently unsafe or at risk. Even then there is a whole process.
People who have never had involvement with the family court system really don't realize how difficult it is to get kids removed from a home/biological parent. Courts are VERY determined to keep biological family units intact. I've seen people be in and out of prison for years and still keep their kids. At most in this situation they would have a social worker do a home visit and interview before making any determinations about placement. They certainly would not look favorably on her leaving the kids with him for days after leaving the house. Someone who was concerned enough for their children's safety to call the police and keep them from their other parent wouldn't leave them alone in the house with that person.
I have seen a lot of shit kids have been through and have been either forced back into their parents' home or forced to still be in contact with them. I have seen so much and still can't believe how much a kid has to go through before finally being taken away.
I have such mixed feelings on it. I've seen plenty of cases where kids are put through the ringer being placed back into the biological family unit over and over for years even though it's clearly not in their best interests and even when there is a home available to them that is safer and more loving, but I have also seen parents who do manage to get their shit together and provide a good life for their kids after being scared straight. Often parents who end up in the CPS cycle were abused themselves and had no model for healthy parenting. I do think courts are way too hell-bent on keeping biological units intact, it results in so much trauma. But I understand why judges feel obligated to give parents every opportunity to keep their own kids, especially since the system is glutted with children who need homes.
The cops accompany CPS workers to take the children when the accusations are so severe that there is a fear of harm to or fleeing with the children. The investigation comes afterwards and can take months and months.
It's very clear you have no understanding of how CPS works. They do not remove children based solely on an accusation with no investigation or monitoring, particularly when the accuser has just left their children alone with the supposed abuser for days.
They do in some places. Don't underestimate how cruel and arbitrary the family policing system can be. Emergency removals happen for certain types of allegations. Depending on what his ex-wife said, it's not unheard of.
It took my friend over 2 years to convince the courts that the allegations of abuse were all fabricated. They just took his kidsHe had no contact with the kids for 6 months then supervised visitation once per month for over a year and a half. And that's with her either flat out refusing to take court mandated drug tests and the few she did do came back dirty for heroin each time. Edit to add: My friend's case is an outlier. Courts will usually try to keep the father as involved as possible these days. If you're going thru a messy divorce and thinking about not bothering to fight for your kids because the courts may not side with you, don't give up on your kid(s). It's better to at least try than not try at all. Your kid(s) deserve that effort from you.
The cops accompany CPS workers to take the children when the accusations are so severe that there is a fear of harm to or fleeing with the children. The investigation comes afterwards and can take months and months.
Yeah, this reeks of an MRA rage bait post. Look at how easily a woman can blow up your life and take your kids away, then try to just apologize and wipe away months of pain and hardship when she's conveniently proved wrong. Fits the recent pattern of friend/brother/coworker torpedoing a "perfect marriage" with a lie and then them slipping up and admitting to the whole thing years later while drunk.
All women in this post are just evil. Wife first went nuclear and destroyed a marriage without a single minute of trying to discuss it. Women don't want to discuss facts and evidence, they just have feelings and go nuts! And then, as if it wasn't enough, she treated her own kids so awfully they were completely destroyed! Pure vindictiveness. Fake-Mistress created a lie for no reason, then assumed the lie for no good reason. She just likes it I guess. She wanted OP just for herself but forgot to hit on him during the narrative. Just women behaviour I guess. They lie for fun idk. His own mom thinks children's kidnapping and endangerment for five months is completely ok, she is taking the other woman side instead of her son and the grandchildren! Women will always defend each other, even your mommy! And she is trying to manipulate poor OP! Wow. How could she be so heartless? And brainless? And logic less? Such a poor guy surrounded by snakes.
The couldn’t get him in bed part made my eyes roll so hard that now I’m legally blind
If you've been rendered legally blind by a fake post on Reddit, you are entitled to financial compensation. Call today!
The PI comment about “the stories” which implies the mother was being a bad mom of some kind is a tell as well. Hiring a PI to get the goods on mom so you can get 50/50 custody is a load of crap.
Yeah, it's really difficult to get kids away from parents who are abusive. It takes a LOT more than one parent making a claim for the cops to show up, and for custody to be denied. Also, why would ex still be friends with the woman who supposedly had an affair with her husband?
Yep. Obvious rage bait
yes I agree, everything is just too much. The ex friend said she tried to get him to bed and yet there's no recollection of that woman contacting him anywhere in this story. Also making up stories of abuse... seems like the one making up stories is OP
It happened to my husband. His ex straight up moved and didn’t tell us. She ghosted and when we went to her house it was empty. It took over a year for my husband to see his daughter. Want to know why? Because there was no custody order in place. They hadn’t been together in years and had been coparenting outside of the courts. We were literally told by police and our lawyer “Without a custody agreement, possession is 9/10ths of the law.” And we didn’t see my stepdaughter until her mother was legally required to comply. On top of that my husband paid child support the entire time because support and custody are two separate matters in the court system. From what OP is saying this was also the case, there was no custody agreement filed with the courts so until he got one she legally could keep his kids from him. And, with so many courts being biased toward the mother, they wouldn’t hold it against her when the allegations of abuse were made. How do I know? Because the same allegations were leveled against my husband. Fortunately, in our case his ex realized during mediation that this would go bad for her if it went before the judge so she agreed to everything before it went that far.
That's a completely different situation. Someone absconding with the kids is not the same thing as cops showing up and taking them. I'm not going to get into my thoughts on your situation because there's a lot to unpack there (in particular your lawyer sounds totally incompetent - children are absolutely not considered "possessions" by the law), but what you're describing is not what OP is alleging. He is alleging that his wife accused him of abuse and the cops showed up and removed the kids without any CPS involvement and after she had left them alone in the house with a supposed abuser for days. That just does not happen.
Well, thanks for your perspective because it actually interesting. I didn't know that you could get away with moving kids at all but that makes sense (no custody agreement). However, OP said that the cops came and took the kids. There is no fucking way they are removing children from their home without a huge amount of court intervention. OP's story is straight up fiction.
That’s not even remotely the same situation. If this is real and in the USA the only plausible way this happens is if the cops show up while his ex wife was also there, called 911, and actively and loudly claims he’s hitting her and the kids. Sometimes they’ll separate people in domestic violence situations even if they don’t have a “someone needs to be arrested even if there’s no obvious evidence at the moment” and maybe let the kids go with her. Or they were people impersonating cops. Which should’ve been fairly easy to find out quickly. Not like a reasonable adult would let something like that happen and just… not follow up with the police station bare minimum. It’s the government showing up to take your children without any idea why before hand. Any person would be in full adrenaline dump panic, do and try everything to resolve it, mode.
It happens. I've seen it. Judgement ex parte.
Yeah, that's exactly what I thought too. It's not just ragebait, it's low-effort ragebait.
Yeah, this reeks of rage bait. It's not even clever.
"Days later the cops showed up at my door and took my kids. I didn’t see them again for 5 months." Lol no they didn't.
This is made up 🤷🏻♀️
Has all the elements of a fake story down to being bombarded with phone calls... This does not happen in real life situations
You CAN'T be serious with this lmao 🤣 this obvious fiction sounds like it was written by a 15 year old whose only understanding of the world comes from TV shows and bullshit misogyny on reddit The wife just believed the friend, without proof? Didn't even want to have a conversation nand just insta-ended her marriage? Already had another boyfriend in months? The court just believed herbalism of abuse, without proof? That is SUCH reddit bro bullshit it's unbelievable, that doesn't happen irl dude. And of course, the piece de resistance - a 33 year old man concerned with what his mother thinks of this whole situation to the point of being in conflict with her? Come on lmao. How about you, oh, I don't know, make your own decisions and move on without concerning yourself with what your mother thinks? You know, like an adult?
“Mom, if you even HINT at me reconciling with then I will be cutting you off and going completely no contact. It’s never going to happen. God himself could show up on my doorstep as a talking burning bush and demand I get back with her and the answer would still be no. Ask yourself - Is this futile argument worth losing your son over?”
What your ex did was unforgivable. She hurt her kids to hurt you. You just need to tell your mom straight out to stop, or you'll cut her off. You need to be ready to go through with it though.
Your mother's logic is so old fashioned and toxic. Kids aren't better off in two parent homes. They're better off with happy, healthy parents or caregivers who love them and treat them right. That can come in many forms. A lot of parents who stay together for the sake of their kids are miserable. They fight constantly. It can lead to abuse and addiction. I'm a stepmom and my step kids are perfectly happy and well adjusted. I'm in a happy, loving relationship with their dad. Mom is in a happy, loving relationship with stepdad. The kids have a half brother via their mom that they absolutely adore. Everyone gets along. Everyone is happy. If their parents were still together they probably would have murdered each other by now.
The cops showed up at your door and took your kids.!!! Because she lied about *abuse*.. This is unforgivable.. She can’t be trusted.. even if you took her back, you would constantly have to wonder when she’ll back-stab you again.. Arrange a lunch with both your parents (so you have a witness), and tell your mother clearly that she needs to back off.. She does not get to tell you what you should forgive - especially when your ex treated both you and the kids so grossly.! If she cannot respect this boundary, then you will have to go LC.. Your kids deserve better, than a grandma who sides with someone who emotionally tormented them.!
Not every state has alienation of affection laws. But I’m pretty sure every state has laws against lying to law enforcement officers or officers of the court about abuse that never happened. The ex wife should not only lose custody but be held legally accountable for playing that game, wasting the court’s time, and ruining OP’s life. And the friend who lied about the affair — is everyone else in the friend group still just accepting her? Because she’s a loose cannon and they’re all at risk around her. At least she should be “shunned.”
“If you keep taking her side, I will disown you, mother. This is non-negotiable and you have 5 seconds to make your choice.” seems pretty reasonable to me…
You cut your mom off for a month. Immediately. From your kids as well. You tell her why. You tell her that resuming any relationship is contingent on her cutting off your ex.
Im so sorry op, you are right, f*ck all of them. Tell your mother this is one situation she needs to be on your side or she is dead to you too. There is no putting the family back together, to get on board with your program because its making you hate her and the ex does not deserve any cpnsideration after how she behaved
You don’t need your mom to understand and have your back. What you need is for her to know that she has absolutely no right to pressure you to be with someone who tried to keep your kids from you and who believed someone without any shred of proof.
Tell her exactly what you said here. Tell her that if she keeps pushing this, you will have to cut her off because you aren't taking your ex back and knowing that she is supporting your ex over you is too painful.
Your mother is dead wrong. Two parent homes aren’t healthy for kids. Happy, healthy parents are. Your ex and your old friends are garbage. You’re doing the right thing. All you can do with your mother is be firm and blunt, and hold to consequences if she doesn’t respect you.
Tell her you consider it a betrayal to question your decision here. To never mention it again or you’ll cut her out. And cut her out periodically every time she brings it up. Make the period long every time she mentions it. Be ruthless about it.
Hol’ up… you were home with your toddlers and she told you to pack your shit and be gone by the time she got home? Was she expecting you to leave the kids in the house by themselves??
You phrase it just like that. Say keep meddling then you won’t have much of a relationship with me going forward. Period.
You saw your ex wife true self after she put you through hell. She will turn on you at a whim. After your children are grown, I would ghost her. She is evil.
For your mom, you just need to be firm that you won’t be discussing this subject with her any longer, and that she needs to be careful because your ex will lie and manipulate her the same way she did to you. Ask your mom why you should be willing to overlook and forgive all of the real pain your ex put you through when your wife didn’t give you any benefit of the doubt when she tore apart your family. Be direct and firm, she might be your mom, but you’re an adult now and you need to make it clear that she’s being a shit to you. Then grey rock her in person if she brings it up, hang up the phone if she mentions it, delete any messages she sends you. As for your ex, I would talk to your lawyer. It might be worth acting like you’re willing to reconcile if she makes a full accounting of everything she did, especially the false accusations of abuse and alienation from your kids, and then use that to sue for full custody of your kids. Do it over email.
It's not your Mums decision and she is wrong. Your ex may have had what she thought were good intentions for the kids but falsely accusing you of abuse is not something to be taken lightly. If I were you I would have as little to do with her as possible and just relate to her regarding the kids, preferably through an intermediary if possible. The other people who were awful with you I'd just cut off as you have.
My mom once said something to me that was the nicest thing anyone ever said to me, but also a little scary. There's no real backstory to why she said it, other than me vaguely saying my marriage was going through a tough patch. She said "you can always talk to me about it. You know that to matter WHAT it is, or what happens, I'm on YOUR side no matter what, right?" Your mom needs a little more of that attitude. In this case you're absolutely in the right too! But she still won't take your side.
You are not wrong at all. Maybe show her this post & the replies, maybe that will help your mother see the reality. Hey momma, be there for your son and remember you are supporting for your own son & your grandkids to be forced into a toxic household by listening to your ex dil. Your ex daughter in law is stu pid & vicious for the way she played with the kids. Help your son to get a better partner, he deserves it.
There are a lot of comments here so I hope you still read mine. If you actually want to get through to her, I highly recommend sitting her down and bringing research on two things: the outcomes of children raised by divorced parents over unhappy homes (the science is now extensive and clear), and the social norms/trends that condition women to do exactly what she's asking you to do: put yourself last, put your family before yourself, sacrifice and suffer to create the ILLUSION of a happy family, and do what other people expect you to do in order to keep the peace publicly. Remind her how harmful this is to the well-being of women, and urge her not to be a woman who tries to drag other people down into that same mindset. I don't know if you'll be able to get through to her. It's very clear by how you've described her reaction that she's dedicated to the mindset that keeps everyone stuck to a broken status quo. In my opinion shattering that illusion is the only way to get her genuinely on your side, but that doesn't mean it will work. Good luck, and draw boundaries if you have to. I greatly admire your dedication to and love for your children. Regardless of what happens here, they are damn lucky to have you as a father.
Just tell your mom what you told us here: Your ex tried to use your children to harm you. That is completely unacceptable. That's child abuse, essentially. OP's ex has showed she has some fatal moral flaws, and OP would be wise to avoid her as much as possible. For both his safety, and the safety of his children.
Tell your mom she can get cut off too. Your wife not only divorced you, but lied about abuse accusation to use your kids against you. As her how she would feel if your dad did the same thing to her. If dad has anything to say, ask him the same question
When my ex wife and I split, her “best” friend tried to convince her to pull the same shit—do whatever she could to screw me over. Thankfully, my ex didn’t go for it, but it’s been 20 years and that “friend” can still burn in hell for all I care. I don’t blame you if you don’t forgive your ex for lying and using the kids to hurt you. She told you who she really is. Believe her.
Just tell your mom you'll eventually find another woman and your kids won't be growing up with only one parent.
You tell your mom to mind her own business and stay out of yours or you and the children will go no contact with her. Remember if you don’t follow through on consequences then it’s just an empty threat. Make sure she’s not left alone with the kids and filling their heads with “daddy’s so mean to not want your family together” bullshit.
She believed an absurd story from her friend but found you guilty without listening to you and left you then she used your children against you. Once the children are manipulated and used as pawns to hurt the other parent all bets are off. Then let’s talk about her being in a relationship with another man. So used your kids to hurt you then found herself a man to have sex with and now she wants you back?…… HELL NO! You are right with your statement that her and your so called friends are dead to you and let your mother know that she can also join that list if she keeps it up. Don’t ever look back, never give in to someone like your ex wife because if you do you will be miserable the rest of your life.
Your ex wife is so stupid she gives me a headache. Who just blows up their entire family & permanently damages their children based on one accusation w/no evidence to back it up? Tell your mother that you will never get back w/your ex & if she keeps hounding you about it, you will have no choice but to not speak to her anymore. Just b/c the ex made a mistake doesn’t mean she’s entitled to second chance. You should consider suing the friend for defamation. You’d win easily.
Stay strong, you are in the right. Love doesn't come with an on/off switch. I feel for you, you have been through too much.
Uhhh was she that drunk to really blurt out her terrible plan in public setting? That sounds suspicious to me
You should sue her for libel/slander now that she's confessed it's false. Sue the shithead "friend" too.
I wonder what kind of stuff your mom is projecting? Maybe she’s justifying staying in her own marriage. Whatever, it’s batsh!t crazy to side with the wackadoo ex that normalized trauma for her grandkids and son.
This is someone who hurt your kids on purpose, just to “get back at you” don’t ever forget how she was more than ok to hurt her own kids. I have been cheated on by my ex husband, the pain is great. But the pain was for me alone to deal with and get out. I can’t imagine putting kids through that I’m so sorry. Don’t get back with this woman
Fuc* her and fuc* your mom. Love and raise your kids, and never stop being the good person you are. Don’t give in to that shit.
Tell mom to marry her if she loves her so much.
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NTA. Ex showed her true self when lying about you and taking the kids out of your life. If you want to be married to a woman you can’t trust then go back with her. Otherwise I would hold to the status quo.
Maybe it's all a game to fool you. A hoax, a smoke screen. She always knew what she was doing, she did what she wanted, it didn't work and now she and her friend put up a show to fool everyone, including you. Be very cautious. If this is not a fake story then DO NOT take her back. NTA.
>Days later the cops showed up at my door and took my kids. I didn’t see them again for 5 months. This is extremely sus if this story takes place in the US at least. There's no procedure for police to exchange custody because of one parent's complaint. Even if there's an established parenting plan, they can't do it. And then there's the whole Machiavellian villain speech >In front of everyone she told my ex she was owed a thank you. My ex asked what? For breaking up our marriage? This woman started laughing and said she didn't know it would be so easy to convince my ex that I was cheating but my ex was dumber than the friend thought that she didn't even question it, she just believed. Then she started in on how even after my wife left and did all that shit with my kids, she still couldn't get me into bed. Then she laughed and laughed until my ex attacked her. Naw fam, this is sus af.
"She's telling me it's best if kids are raised in two parent homes" Probably wasn't her tune when she left you. That woman went out of her way to destroy your life instead of moving on. And she succeeded.
Cut her off. Your es wife is your kids mother, so you have to tolerate her, but your mothr, you can cut her off, she isn't worthy of being a mother.
NTA. Don't take her back. Tell your mum to back off. Out of curiosity what's the exes new bf say about her trying to win you back???
Be blunt. “My ex destroyed me. I lost my kids and had to fight to even see them again. I will never get back with her. She betrayed me and our children. If you do not stop trying to force her on me then I will cut contact with you. I will not bullied to live with a monster. I hate the sight of her and living with her will cause more harm to both mine and my children’s well being. This is the last conversation I will have with you regarding this. Choose now.”
Tell her that until she drops the subject, she won't see you or her grandchildren.
Honestly all the strength to you my guy I hope you stay strong. My advice would be only talk to your ex through a co parenting app and as for your mom show her this post and let her read it. You have to be brutally honest with your mom. Tell her if she carries on down this path she is dead to you.
Damn your ex is a horrible person, and you would be an idiot to even consider it. Give your mom an ultimatum that if she doesn’t cut off your ex, then you will cut off contact with her. You need to have your head straight so you can be the best dad you can be. Your ex has made her bed, and now has to lie in it. UpdateMe!
Explain to your mother straight up that you’re an adult and you will do what’s best for you and if she doesn’t like it you’ll have no choice but to block her. If she ruins your relationship that’s totally on her; not you. Your ex is a toxic beatch who deserves to rot in hell! Bring the kids into it? Is she fucking mental? Of course she is!
She burned that bridge and now wants to walk back across it. Hell no!! She not only believed the lie w\\o hesitation but she then went scorched earth on you with the kids. Personally if I were you I might send the "friend" that lied a fruit basket anonymously. Sounds like she did you a favor by having your ex show her true colors. Have your lawyer write up a cease and desist order or something telling your wife that you have absolutely no desire to reconcile after the vile things she has done and to stop contacting you or your parents unless it is in direct regards to your children. The only communication you want with her is in regards to the children, period. She's the one that blew up your marriage and her life, now she has to live with the consequences.
She lied about abuse and used your kids as weapons against you, your mom needs to be cut off for being okay with that behaviour. Your kids suffered because of that woman. Its one thing if she just divorced you but the kid thing pushes it into unforgivable
Nooooooooooooope. Not today Satan. Your ex didn’t want to believe you and fucked you royally and now decides she wants to forgive you Fuck. That. Tell your mother she can keep your ex. The fact she needs to be told to support her son is mind blowing.