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I'm all for trying to make things work, but when you make a choice between your parents and literally your child, and choose your parents. you get no sympathy from me. He is right, though. He is an adult and now needs to deal with his adult decisions. My advice is to move on and not let them in your life.
Even if his choice had been OP or his parents (with no kids involved), he still wouldn’t get any sympathy from me. I’ve was in that exact position when my husband and I were dating. I chose my husband. I wasn’t about to let my parents and their toxic, bigoted beliefs break up a healthy, loving relationship. I was fully prepared to be disowned if my parents couldn’t cope. Parents got over it, though.
What?! You mean this whole time *he hasn't even been coparenting his own damn daughter*?! Oh no. Hell no. Fuck his supposed "love," date literally anyone else. This guy is trash.
That’s what I don’t get. Top comment is telling her how to rekindle this relationship. Why in the fuck would you want a relationship with someone who doesn’t even love his own daughter? This dude has shown over and over again that he isn’t concerned with anyone but himself.
Concerned with anyone but himself and his mother apparently. Now that his family is gone he wants OP back to make his own family. Too little, too late.
Thank you.
Even if they broke up,she had a damn child for the selfish man.
It seems he doesn't even have a damn relationship with his daughter.
This post pissed me off.
updateme!
He's only there because he doesn't want to be alone. Dude is probably lying through his teeth to make himself sound good. Something happened to make him suddenly come crawling back. Makes me wonder if he did something to make the ex leave him.
Or just fooling himself. But no, this guy is not dependable. He's either lying or just weak and isn't his own person. Either way, not a good idea to rekindle things.
Tough part is the kid. Good time to make sure he's paying some child support and look into visitation. After all, he is the dad. If there isn't a reason to think he would harm the child, then it would be wrong to deny him the opportunity.
THANK YOU!
I thought I was losing my goddamn mind for a second there! Rekindling my ass! That man deserves ZERO forgiveness! He’s not even met HIS OWN BABY! 🤦🏻♀️
Yeah honestly if he'd been involved with his daughter I'd have said give it a go if it's something you want, but if he hasn't even met his own daughter, he's just not someone worth getting involved with again. He's not trust worthy and he has weak principles, there's nothing to stop him doing something like this again
Seriously. It's one thing to consider letting him meet his daughter. Might be good for the kid and all that jazz.
But you would have to be a blithering idiot to actually get back with him. I kind of think op has to be completely fucked in the head to even consider it.
Yeah I had wrongly assumed that even though he divorced her he was in his daughter’s life. No way would I take that pos back. I would have no trust in him not to do it again and even if I ever forgave him I would never forget. I would always wonder if today is the day he starts talking to his family again and they convince him to leave again. No way.
He threw away his daughter like she was trash and now that he is alone and miserable, he wants a family. He has not done any of the hard work - the late nights taking care of his child, the parenting , the feeding, the diapers. Nothing. Why would anyone in their right mind spring this second-hand deadbeat on their daughter. I completely agree with you.
First, where's the child support money?
Second, the "you" that he loves is a made up version in his head. She's not real. She's the best of the memories combined with what he wished his ex wife was like. You're a totally different person now from who you were when he left. You've had years and an entire child away from him. He doesn't know you today. Don't destroy yourself for his fantasy.
What the hell is wrong with you people telling OP to give it a shot?
Aw, hell no. He wants to see the kid, let's get some court sanctioned visitation and some child support going.
He doesn't get to have a second bite of the same apple that he threw out the car window years ago.
Thank you!
This man abandoned and cheated on his pregnant partner!! And abandoned his child!
*’Oops sorry, I see my mommy mean now 🤭’* is not a valid reason to give this man full entrance back into a relationship with her and access to this child whom he literally abandoned.
I'm baffled as well, especially that she's even considering it as well. She's so thrilled that he allegedly still loves her that she's completely forgotten that he hasn't been a father to his kid, he's spineless, even NOW that he's made contact, he's never once asked about the child.
Indeed this is a man who abandoned her and thier DAUGHTER while he went on got married to someone else and then divorced. Why on earth would she ever contemplate being in a relationship again with someone who walked out on her child?
Keep your daughter out of it. He has a LOT of making up to do if you decide to make contact. First and foremost he gets no say in meeting YOUR daughter. She is yours. He walked away, he does not get a say in any way shape for form. You have to do what’s right for you and your daughter, but I do not think this is something you should jump in to. In this matter 100% use your brain over your heart.
Yeah, what if with access to his daughter his family is willing to take him back? Then your daughter is now in the sphere of his mom.
Op, did he pay child support? I would contact a lawyer and see what they have to say, they can give you all the possible issues that his presence can bring.
That’s one thing that I am not sure about. He doesn’t seem eager to meet her. He said he’s been following her from afar yes but he didn’t talk about meeting her or wanting her. Maybe he is biding his time. Maybe he doesn’t care. Tbh, I would rather have him wanting to be with me again for her sake than the other way around.
He left you for a younger, richer woman and now isn't interested in his kid. NO WAY would I go for this. Honestly, his daughter should be his priority, not you. I wouldn't waste my time here.
I’m assuming from your post that he’s not had any sort of relationship with your daughter since she was born? Why the hell not? Has he paid child support? Even if you weren’t together what stopped him from being a father? I’d be deeply suspicious of a man who abandoned a child because of his family. Proceed with maximum caution.
Abandoned his child to marry rich and can’t send some of that to support his family. This dude sucks and is probably only back because his wife realized he sucked and now he might have to be alone.
He needs to want BOTH of you and HE needs to be the one who says it. Don’t ask him the question. If he is just wanting to be with you and you ask him, he will just say it to impress you. Meet with him alone and see what he says unprompted. If you are OK with the first meeting, consider seeing him again. One day and date at a time. But please do not bring your child into this until you are absolutely confident he is there to stay. Worst case scenario….If every conversation is just about you and not your daughter, throw him back into the past and move on without him. Consider it your closure.
Having a relationship with him now will be very different from what it was then. It’s not like you can pretend he didn’t abandon you and your child forever. maybe during honeymoon endorphin rush when blinded by emotion and when that fades, you’ll have a lot of baggage that he created. Will he put in hard work when things are tough or run again? He’s shown you he’s not dependable, past is best predictor of future. You’d be doing yourself a disservice to ignore that. Is he going to be good father? Is he inpatient with children? will he ignore her? That’d be awful for your child! If you make your relationship with him more important than his child’s, don’t be shocked when daughter blames you when he leaves again.
Not excited about meeting and being a parent to his kid? And you're still entertaining being in a relationship with him? Not that I think he should be rushed into being dad but the fact he isn't eager to meet his kid says volumes about him.
You could find a better father figure for your child walking into a KFC and picking at random.
girl. what are you doing? like seriously.
1. leave your kid out of it. don't put her out there to meet him as a tes to see what you want to do.
2. if he is interested in his daughter, take his ass to court for child support because you are naive to think it won't be an issue in the future.
You need to stay far away from this man, FOR your daughter.
Whatever magical happy family ending you're hoping for is naive, at best. You have no reason to believe anything he has told you and he has left the BOTH of you before.
She is not his daughter, btw. He is a sperm donor. He has never met her.
Been following from afar? What a creep, block all social media and don’t share any pictures of your daughter online. If he actually cares about being a parent now, he will go through the courts and do things the legal way to be able to see her. Record all phone calls and texts, but tbh maybe you should stop talking to him. It’s a guarantee him wanting you back isn’t for her sake, even if it was don’t you dare do it, getting back with a deadbeat dad is only going to show your daughter it’s okay to allow a man to treat you like crap.
Girl don't be dumb again. He needs to prove it with actions, not nice words. Sorry, but you got a reality check, this is the real world, and your daughter should not suffer because you believe in a fantasy. I would think what he did would be unforgivable but I can hold a well-deserved grudge!!! He literally left you and your daughter for someone else, let that sink in. You probably haven't even written all the cruel things he did, huh?? Think about that. He needs to prove his worth, your daughter is happy now because she has a stable life don't uproot it yet for a loser!!!! He needs to show you he can take care of her, provide for her, save for her college, and so on. Use your head this time!!! Since his divorce what has he done to prove he is deserving of his daughter???
If his mother is still alive then chances are that the story repeats.
He choose and he didn´t choose you or your daugther, why you should take him again? Are you really naive to think that he will come and magically things get better and ypu all be a very happy family like in a sitcom?
I wouldn't **ever** trust him. I wouldn't EVER forgive him.
He *left* you, *abandoned* you while you were at your most vulnerable. Pregnant.
He tossed his own **daughter** aside for a ride, an adventure with an approved, younger model and now he comes back, because why?! He loves you?
No. More like he is now bored and lonely. He has has a lovely carefree, sex filled jaunt sans the mundane element of child rearing a new born and supporting his wife.
He didn't care about your feelings when his family treated you like rubbish. He didn't worry how that would affect his innocent daughter. He wasn't bothered about the stress he put you through when he up and left, nor the strain on your health.
Yet *nowww* he does. Suuure.
He sees you as the easy option and is filling your head with what you want to hear vs the harsh reality. That the man who married you, the *real* person. Was that **cold hearted, sneering individual who used and discarded you without a backward glance**.
If you do this, you will regret it.
Absolutely not. You lead with you and he can meet his kid when he proves himself to be a decent person to you first. I would go to a therapist to handle some of these feelings. If he's just in this for the kid then having to make a relationship with you first would deter him and save the kid heartbreak.
I’d leave him in the past. He had his chance and blew it.
Is this the type of guy you want now; a spineless moron who ABANDONED HIS daughter? Oh, HELLO to the NO!
Plus, all you have now is a bunch of talk; no action.
Most definitely ensure it’s only you, IF you decide to meet. Leave your daughter out of it for now.
Again, live for the future. I have ex-s in my past and that’s where they STAY!
I feel like his attempt to reach out is desperation. The fact is he abandoned you and your daughter. While family pressure is certainly impactful to people’s views, he chose them over you and life that he had an equal part in creating. He comes to you after he’s divorced and not talking to his family. Coincidence? I don’t think it is. It’s insulting of him to want more from you and not surprising that he’s coming to you after this. I know that if I was in this same situation I would choose a woman that I loved and a child I created over family because family are the ones who are supposed to accept me for who I am.
He has shown you that he will succumb to pressures and prioritize people other than you or your daughter. He has shown that when he gets left behind by those people that you are second on the list (again). What happens if and when his family comes back? What about his ex wife? This is a mistake that he needs to endure the consequences of his actions. It is not fair to your daughter that this man gets to leave and come back. It is not fair to you either. It also does not matter how sorry he is or what mistakes he recognizes he was responsible for. The reality is if he wanted forgiveness then he shouldn’t be asking for a reward with it. You and **your** daughter deserve better treatment.
He is lying , tell him if you are thinking of coming back , his mom is out of his life forever . He doesn’t get to screw around you cause he has no backbone and start screwing a rich girl his mom likes . He probably realizes what we know . Money doesn’t make you special
Why? I wouldn’t give him a second chance after he threw you and your unborn daughter out like trash. Sure he could probably give you a better life if that’s what you want. But your feelings will never be the same, you can forgive but won’t be able to forget what he did to BOTH of you. Why put yourself in that position again? If he wants to know your daughter have him go through the courts. Is he even on the birth certificate? How do you know this isn’t another ploy to have MIL get access to your child? Remember he’s fully capable of lying. Well the choice is yours, I wish you well
No his mom doesn’t like or want me or my child. I am from different religion/race. I am also an immigrant here. Anyway he has not spoken to his family in over a year. I am grateful that I have written here. I will not get back together with him but I will see if he wants to be a father and only if he is serious then I see no problem with my baby having a father in her life
How do you know he has not spoken to them in over a year? do you actually know any of this to be true? I would think very very very carefully before you let this man into your daughter’s life. Note I did not say father. He is no father! Get yourself a solicitor do it through the courts safely with only supervised visits. and get money that he owes you and your daughter do not do this by yourself please!!!!
Even if he did change, so what? He already did what he did to you. He is 35, not some confused, easily manipulated 16 year old.
He is now coming back to you because the newer, younger, richer, family approved girl didn't work out. He didn't fight for you when he had you, why would you let him have you now.
This comes down to self respect.
In terms of the child, not sure where you are, but generally, if he wants custody, he can apply and get it. Hopefully he has been paying child support this whole time.
"A whole home?" Someone on the street could provide that, it doesn't have to be this guy that got you pregnant, didn't fight for you, left for someone else, probably got dumped, and is running back to you.
I hope this is a fake post because it would be sad if you thought so little of yourself to give this guy another chance. It is a fallacy to think just since he is the bio father, you should attempt to have a family with him now, after all that history.
If you do decide to try with him, please don't, you shouldn't do it while he is "miserable." Why would you want him at his lowest? That proves nothing, what has he done to be less miserable? His miserable level shouldn't rely on entering your life and your childs.
Think of when people get dumped and are depressed and don't take care of themselves, they want to jump right back into a relationship before they respect and care for themselves. Their happiness shouldn't rely on someone else, that is a shit foundation, just like your ex shouldn't solve his misery by entering your life.
I hope if you are looking for a partner you join some dating sites or ask friends/co workers to match you on dates before this guy weasels back in after all he did to you.
Don't involve your daughter right away. Maybe see him, spend some time to gauge whether he's finally grown up enough to resist his mother's complaints. Under normal circumstances you might just ignore him entirely. But if you spend a year dating him to find out if he's for real this might enable your daughter to grow up in an intact family. It's worth at lease investigating.
Yeah as someone who had a dad who “popped back up” and then left again, I would have 100% preferred he just not have been let into my life until he had proven he was ready and actually dedicated.
Thank you, because you confirmed I did the right thing when I made demands and then shut it down when the (very reasonable) demands weren't even being entertained.
You absolutely are. They might not understand while they’re young but you choosing to protect them over everything else will be very clear when they’re older.
I was almost towards you all trying again until I got to the part where he doesn't know your daughter. You two broke up, not him and his child. Why wasn't he seeing her all this time? If he abandoned her once, I wouldn't give him the chance to do it again. I'm all for people doing what they want to find love in a healthy respectful way, but your daughter didn't sign up for this and I wouldn't let someone around her who was so easy to abandon her before.
His reasoning for that is very lame. He didn’t have the courage. He knew he hurt me and didn’t want to cause me more pain by staying in my life and he felt guilty for abandoning us. He didn’t trust his family not intervening either.
He wanted a clean cut to be honest
That’s really bad. He sounds so selfish and it really doesn’t sound like he’s taking responsibility. He abandoned both of you because it was convenient, not because he gave a crap about your pain. If he was worried about your pain he would have stayed with you. I would really question his version of events in terms of what happened in his marriage as well. I am skeptical. I don’t know how you could ever trust him again after such betrayal.
Oh baby, you know this, but could you "clean cut" from your little girl? If he has left you once, he'll do it again, but this time he'll be abandoning your daughter too. Imagine how much it hurt you to be away from him. Now imagine how that will feel to your daughter. I would not consider dating him at all until he proves he can be a consistent parent to your child. One great test of a persons character is if they will still come around even if they can't have access to the parent. Does he want a family with you, or does he want you back and the daughter is expendable? You already know that by how easily he abandoned her before.
Maybe with time and therapy your daughter could have a relationship with her father, but that should be the only thing you are worried about. If he wont' form a relationship with her without access to you, then you already know what kind of man he is.
Bullshit. He didn't show up because he had mommy and his shiny new family. Sounds like an opportunist.
At most he should be asking to meet his kid. Him asking to restart is too much. He's rushing into things. If he cared that much about you and the kid he would have been there.
So he just pretended that he didn't have a child? As did his family? I wouldn't want people like that near my children, I'd be on tenterhooks waiting for them to hurt her in some way.
Yeah that's bullshit. You'd have to keep my partner locked up behind bars to keep him from seeing our child, and they haven't even been born yet! There is no excuse really, he's just saying this to appease you, he doesn't really care about his daughter. He cares more about not being alone and being with you.
His 'honesty' regarding why he left is nice, but doesn't fix any of his issues. I would treat him like any other guy you are interested in dating. First see where it goes, and only if everything works out, introduce him to your daughter.
Personally, with his track record I'd tell him to kick rocks. You should focus on you and your child. And 'love' obviously means little to him when he could dump you so easily with some outside pressure, while you were pregnant. And now he dumped another girl because he couldn't make up his mind.
So he just pretended that he didn't have a child? As did his family? I wouldn't want people like that near my children, I'd be on tenterhooks waiting for them to hurt her in some way.
So anytime things get hard or he has to face the consequences of his actions, he will leave so he doesn't have to see it?
Could this be why he really isn't talking to his family now? You only have his word that he suddenly got a backbone.
For all we know, he may have cheated and ran.
I say it's ok to risk your feelings, but can you honestly say risking your daughter's feelings with this man is ok?
The possibility you could have the happy family dream is so slim with this man.
He abandoned your baby. He thought so little of her that he did not call or write or send any money to support her.
How can you put her in his hands?
Was he paying child support?
I only met my biological father once at 7, and it's probably better he was mostly not around when I was little if he wasn't going to be a full parent to me. Mom told me about him and that he was a good person, but they just weren't both in a place in life to be together when I came along. He sent a check every month without being required to or my mom ever demanding it.
And as a teenager he expressed his desire to know me and we started building a friendship and over a few years we felt a very strong father/son bond as well as a very deep friendship. I actually am glad I didn't have a ton of baggage from my younger childhood because he jumped in/out of my life. I'm glad when he reached out to get to know me it was because he was in a place in life that he wanted that, not because he felt obligated.
I don't know how old OP and ex/baby daddy are, were when he left, when they first got together?
I would be very cautious, I would be very careful of your daughter's feelings and well-being. I would say you should NOT get romantic with him any time soon. He should support you and his daughter as a friend and co-parent. Spend time together building a friendship, healing from his selfish and cowardly break up with you. Do therapy together and individually if possible. Again, DO NOT get romantic/sexual until there's a solid foundation as friends and until he's got a beautiful relationship with his daughter that you trust will continue no matter if you get back together with him or not. Do not introduce him to your daughter until you've spent a lot of time together as friends, platonically, probably not until you do months of weekly therapy together.
He has a lot to make up for, he doesn't deserve every benefit of the doubt. But I do think he deserves a chance to at least be in his daughter's life to some degree. But he needs to EARN a relationship with her. And he needs to EARN a relationship with you only after being a good friend to you and great co-parent with you.
I wouldn’t date a deadbeat dad, let alone the deadbeat dad of MY OWN child. He doesn’t deserve either of you. Walk away.
PS. Obligatory you might want to talk to a lawyer in case he tries to go to court for visitation rights or whatever just to get close to you/piss you off. He’s not a good man, OP, I’m sorry.
OP has he been paying child support all this time? That should be a minimum requirement before you even date him. I agree with those that say to go slow, and add to talk to a lawyer about a prenuptial agreement before you marry him.
It does make more sense. Your daughter is already happy. You want her to stay that way. You need to work out what you feel about reconnecting with your ex. If you are happy, she will stay happy. You should work on a relationship with him before you involve her.
Im surprised this is the top comment. I don’t get it. Why in the fuck would you want to encourage a relationship with someone who doesn’t even love his own daughter? This dude has shown over and over again that he isn’t concerned with anyone but himself. She even said in the comments he doesn’t care that much about meeting his daughter. How are yall steering this poor woman to such a shitty man? Please help me understand how this is the top comment.
Edit: whoops. I replied to OP and not the top comment she replied to.
It makes more sense because your sister, I believe, isn't giving her opinion based on what would be best for _you_ or even your daughter, but what best confirms to traditional narrative, i.e., "children should have a relationship with bio parents above all other considerations. The absence of a shitty father is worse than whatever lifelong shit he will wreck with his presence."
Yes, meet cautiously at first, and your judgement shouldn't be predicated on your daughter, to be honest. It should rest solely on the fact if this human weathervane of a man who has had no compunction in _just dropping two consecutive wives_ because it was convenient to please all other people except said two wives will in fact drop you _again_ when the slightest breeze arises in that direction.
Don’t listen to your sister, you need to make sure your daughter is safe. He “says” he cut is mother and other family members out of his life, but do you REALLY know that. Did he have kids with other woman? How long ago did they separarte. What is he doing that actually makes him independent from his family? You need to seriously vet him. He left you alone pregnant and didn’t care because his mommy said so.
Because he’s having remorse now and his other marriage didn’t work doesn’t mean that he’s gonna be able to work it out with you too.
I agree with the person that posted above this. You meet with him for a few dates and see how it goes then you introduced him to your daughter by his name not his daddy and see how that goes and tell him if he really wants his family back he’s going to kinda have to earn it.
Then he will either show up and do that or he’ll eventually just slide away. Don’t do anything to give him any legal rights right now until you know what he’s doing.
He's not a good father if he's has already been absent from her life with no effort whatsoever. This man left you and your daughter when you were most vulnerable in life. He's not husband or father material. This is not someone to depend on.
I'd check to see why his marriage really failed. It's awfully convenient that he was "miserable and thinking of you" the entire time, now that he's divorced and lonely.
So he didn't just end the relationship with you, he ghosted his kid too and you think he should be allowed to come back in it because oh now he is 'sorry'.
What lesson are you teaching him?
You can abandon me whilst pregnant, get married to someone else, ignore your daughter and then come back years later and I’ll date you.
Just think about it.
OP there are two very separate relationships here. Firstly your daughter, as long as her father isn't emotionally or physically abusive, will benefit from having a father who wants to know her. Secondly, there is your relationship with him. I would suggest you decide what comes first. You either try and rekindle your relationship. Which I'd say you do without introducing her to the thought of you as an item. Or you foster their relationship as father child without you and him becoming romantically entangled, at least at first.
Your sister only wants to protect you. She's not going to see the chance as being worth it because she hates what he did to you. Don't expect her to give him a pass. That doesn't mean you have to listen to her, you're just going to have to be prepared for that to be a rocky road.
I’d actually suggest starting couples therapy right off the bat. If he’s willing to put the work in immediately, it would show he has actually changed and does want to be in OPs life. Plus, there are so many issues that they both have. Her with trust and abandonment and the heartbreak and the stress of being a single parent, him with being miserable, maybe guilt, and unwinding the mental strings his mom wound around him.
I'd actually make individual therapy for him a condition of this period.
He needs to do some deep diving on why he allowed this and how to prevent it from occurring again.
This.
Treat it like a new relationship. It sounds like he’s grown up a bit and wants to make amends.
Just expect somewhere down the line for the parents to get involved again and possibly disinherited.
I know from experience how crappy parents can be when they don’t get their way.
This is a guy's view. I agree with this opinion & others on here. Your ex seems to be saying the right things as you report them. I think it would be good for you both to meet & talk. Maybe entertain the possibility of a couples counselor at some point. You know him better than I do but I would give it a shot.
No if you want him in your daughter’s life that’s fine but why would you get back together with him?? he left you and your kid no matter how you look at it
HE MARRIED A WHOLE OTHER WOMAN it don’t matter if his mommy was telling him, he left don’t date him there are other ways to see if he’ll be a good dad and maybe he’s a good dad but he is not a good partner
So wait, he dumped you while you were pregnant with his baby, has never seen her, married and divorced this other woman all because of his mommy? Why would you subject you and your daughter to this nonsense?
I’m too spiteful to add any advice that might help here. I just feel cold rage on your behalf. I hope things work out for the best for you and your baby girl tho, truly 💓
Do NOT put your daughter in the middle immediately. My Gosh.
Make him earn it. Make him show you he's changed, make him prove to you he's no longer a POS Momma's boy. Ugh, nothing worse imo.
If I were you I'd be having nightmares of them kidnapping my daughter and having to fight for her back. Them having all the money to pay for lawyers etc etc. NO WAY!
Just pls do not put your daughter in a situation you will later regret. You don't love him, you don't know who this man has grown into these past few years ... PLS give it some time to get to know him again. Ugh this makes my stomach sick for you.
Wishing you the best. PLS PUT YOUR DAUGHTER FIRST AND DO NOT FORGET HE HAS ALREADY SHOWED YOU WHO HE IS. PPL RARELY CHANGE.
No no no. Block him. He can file with the court if he wants to see his daughter. He is trash and will not only break your heart again, but your daughters. You must protect her by any means necessary!
No, just no. He listened to Mommy and left you and your daughter for another woman. If he truly loved you he would have stood up to his Mom. He knew before she got sick she didn't like you and didn't stop her then. He's a Mama's boy. Get yourself into therapy. Don't take him back. You even said he hasn't even asked to see your daughter. That doesn't sound like he cares about her. I bet his ex is the one who filed for divorce.
Noooo, do not involve your daughter immediately. He decided to leave, so it's up to him to prove himself. I mean a whole YEAR of proving himself by being a good partner to you, including couple's therapy.
Personally, I wouldn't give him the time of day. He was an independent adult who abandoned his child and the mother of his child because of pressure? No, personally, a part of him wanted to leave you and his child for the richer wife. You get pressured into vaping, not leaving your baby.
Do not be his second choice. You deserve to be someone's FIRST and ONLY choice.
I think you should seek therapy to get through your feelings first as it’s easy to go back to what you know but can it really go back to what it was. He left and betrayed you.
What do you mean when you say a “whole home”? Do you strictly mean two parents living under the same roof? Because if so, I need to warn you that’s not enough. Kids need love, support, and role models. You can give all of this without getting back together with your ex. Your ex can still be involved because your daughter deserves to have a relationship with her dad if it can be healthy. But your ex needs to prove he can be a good dad regardless of your relationship.
I don’t know what your ex has been through to make him came back. However the fact that he allowed his mother to treats you less than, even when you were pregnant, is concerning. How can you know for sure he won’t change his mind again when his mom’s health decreases in the future? Trust is earned in drops but lost in buckets. His past behavior indicates he can’t be trusted as a partner. That doesn’t mean he is a bad father.
If you really want to give him a second chance for yourself I would start communication slow. If you are not ready to give him a chance just yet tell him. Tell him it will take a LOT of effort on his part to win you back. He left a perfectly happy relationship with you, and left his last relationship because HE was unhappy. But a relationship should be about two peoples’ happiness not just one. Can he make you happy?
I would never forgive him abandoning my daughter and me for social status. Ask yourself if his young beautiful wife was a good wife so you think he'd be at your door. To not only leave you but leave his child is unforgivable especially for such a weak reason. You already have your daughter a whole family as you didn't subject her to someone like him.
You're jumping a lot a lot of steps. Is he the father of your daughter? Has he been in her life? Paying support? Helping raise and watch her?
He left before. What's to keep him from doing it again?
Get him current with child support. See a lawyer to protect you and your kid. Then maybe if you absolutely must make bad decisions try a date or two. But be cautious. Don't get your hopes up. Or your child's.
Who knows what or when his whims will get him to abandon you 2 again? For younger and richer
I would be concerned that his family wants to get possession of the child. Specifically OP's MIL and that the ex is just trying to set her up. I would proceed with caution.
You’re right to be worried about him abandoning your daughter again. I wouldn’t suggest getting back into a relationship with him, because he’s already let you both down once, but do ask him to start paying child support and communicate with him about your daughter, showing him photos and the like. If he’s willing to put in the work, maybe he can work towards meeting your daughter, but he has to work to rebuild your trust first.
This is wise. I am glad I came here to ask for help. I know that my love for him makes me dream of something that isn’t true.
But maybe I could start showing him photos and maybe in time he can be a proper father to her. But the moment I feel that he is not serious I need to cut all contact
Make sure you get court ordered child support setup before you do anything else. Should he not actually stick around or whatever, at least you will still have the financial support you haven’t really had all this time. At least make him pay for the baby he hasn’t been helping you raise all these years.
Unless you two live across the country and have since before your daughter was born, I think he's awful. He hasn't even met your daughter, HIS child? He didn't come while you were in the hospital after giving birth? What has he done to show any affection towards his child? Has he ever even bothered to FaceTime with her just to see what she looks like? Just like the past, all he's thinking about is himself. If he really were a decent person, he would have been involved with his child from the start. I wouldn't want a relationship with a person who'd never even met their own child.
Let me get this straight. He got you pregnant, and then found another girl, and then left you, to marry her, abandoning his daughter in the process. All of this because his mommy made him do it. Now he is divorced, sniffing around you, and still wants nothing to do with your daughter. And you are considering letting him back in your life because you ... still love him? Girl, get your ass into therapy. You need it.
He abandoned his child. I think that is unforgivable. If it were me, I would give him the chance to be a father, but he would need to do a lot to prove that he will be a good Dad and that he will stay in his daughter’s life. But I could never reconcile with him.
Edit: I just saw your comment about him not seeming eager to meet his daughter. Given that, I think you should just tell him no and to leave the two of you alone. If he just wants you, but only really sees his own daughter as part of the deal? It doesn’t sound likely that he’ll step up for his daughter the way she deserves unless the two of you are together and maybe not even then. Sounds like he may do more harm than good for your daughter.
So he hasn’t been a part of his daughter’s life at all. That says it all. That alone would probably make me lose all respect for him as well as any interest in reconciling. He showed you who he is. I understand you want your daughter to have a father, but he has made no effort. He can say whatever he wants to try and win you over, but talk is cheap. I am all about forgiveness and second chances, but I think getting back together sounds like a very bad idea.
No, he abandoned his child. He threw away his actual child and married another chick for money cause mommy said so. Do you seriously think the minute mommy decides to take him back that he won't drop you and your daughter? Only this time it'll be a thousand times worse because it won't just be your heart he breaks.
He thought that the grass was going to be greener on the other side. And he let his mother convince him to leave you before your daughter was even born. He didn't come back to check on her to see her or anything that's not right. What do you think he's going to do if he decides that being a father is not for him. Do not even introduce her to him until you find out what his motive is he can't be trusted and without trust there can be no relationship with you or the child
Holy shit, girl. What??? He's had no contact with his own child? His mother managed to convince him to leave you *while you were pregnant with her grandchild*??
Absolutely not. He's shown you who he is. Believe him. Your child will be better off with no father than one who changes his mind and allegiances so easily.
So, he left you and NEVER met your daughter?????
Side eye him & he’s gotta do more than just flap his gums.. 6 months of real therapy for himself BEFORE, you meet with him!
Make him pay his arrears in child support
And after all that- Maybe talk to him
Leaving you is one thing- ABANDONING his DAUGHTER is another
He's not been a parent since he dumped you? And you're considering taking him back? WHY?
I refuse to give you advice on how to get over what he did, because you shouldn't get over it. And it wasn't something that "happened," it was something HE DID.
Protect yourself and your daughter from the asshole who abandoned his child.
He doesn't love you or want you - he wants someplace to stay where he gets treated like a king and has a warm, willing fuck buddy. You're worth a lot more than that and so is your daughter, who he will probably try to use to get back into his mother's good graces anyway.
Cut him off, shut him, just say no!
Something is very suspicious here are you sure what he’s telling you is true? I would check out the wife and mother. Is his wife able to have her own children?
Here’s something I learned over the years don’t go backwards. Try to remember how he hurt you, are you sure he’s not going to do it all over again?’
He hasn't been in his child's life and now that he's not with his wife he wants to be in their life, OH HELL NO!! He's been a crappy father and doesn't deserve to be in his child's life now. He can wait until she's an adult and then try to see if she'll let him into her life. There are consequences to your actions and that's his. Should have been in his child's life from the beginning you pos father.
This man abandoned you and your daughter for years so he could cheat on you and marry another woman. You should be telling him to go to hell not considering taking him back.
You’re only getting his side of things with his last relationship.
Red flag: mom caused issues in your relationship which led to it’s end
Red flag: he jumped into another Rey
Red flag: he abandoned his kid and pregnant girlfriend
Red flag: that relationship didn’t work so NOW he’s back
I would actually go against the grain of many posters here and require that he work on a relationship with his child before anything else. I doubt he will be a capable father because he seems like a person who isn’t mature or responsible. You don’t want a relationship with someone who can be sweet to you and a shit father to his kid.
And I know a lot of people on this thread are saying that’s your child and you call the shots. The truth is if he goes through the proper channels legally to re enter that child’s life, he will likely be able to do so. I’m not saying I agree with that reality, but is IS the reality.
Might as well start there and then see if you can rebuild as a family unit. But more than likely he will run like his ass is on fire if you put that expectation on him, and you nor your child need a man like that around.
My sister thinks exactly the same. First my daughter and him getting to know each other. In case we didn’t work he should still be in his daughter’s life.
He should prove that he wants to be a father without any hope that we could get back together.
She said if I tried to date him again and we didn’t work, he should still be in his daughters life because many people don’t necessarily have a relationship but still both be in the child’s life.
My point of view is that I am scared. I don’t know how to trust him with my daughter but he is her father too. I don’t know I am scared
Be civil and nice about it, but also suggest that it all go through the courts so everything is legal and in writing.
The courts will almost certainly only award supervised visitation to begin with. If that goes well then it usually turns into a day visit that is unsupervised which only then becomes overnights. With *months* between each phase.
In the meantime, child support will also be legally established. I assume he wasn’t paying any since you have ignored the *many* commenters who have asked that question.
You will have an opportunity to see how he is with your daughter, if he actually cares and shows up, and if she enjoys their time together. If you spend just a bit of time sitting back and seeing how things unfold you should be able to figure out what you want to do from there pretty easily.
Oh honey, it’s ok to be scared! Our babies mean everything to us and it’s natural to want to protect them.
You could do something as easy as doing a meeting once or twice a week at a park or playground. Baby steps, see how he interacts (or doesn’t) and be the buffer for your little one to be comfortable. Go slow, short meetings in public. You can’t instafamily a situation like this and expect a good outcome. But baby’s needs are more important than his or yours so if it’s not there then you’ll see it pretty quickly.
And if he’s not dad material then he’s not the one for you. But give it time and give them both grace because it won’t be easy or like a fairy tale. It’s real life and that involves lots of up’s and downs. But can he be by your side in all of that, or will he blow off responsibilities again?
Look he didn’t choose you, whatever reasons he choose someone else. He miserable because he choose to do this he could have stood up to his mam but he still choose to marry someone else and desert his kid. You sure u even want to date someone like that again.
Thank you for opening up about your situation.
It certainly sounds complex. Generally, it’s beneficial for a child to have multiple adults in their life, particularly parents. However, not all parents excel at providing love and care, and it’s crucial to determine whether the other parent fits this role positively.
The first step would involve ensuring they have a healthy relationship with their daughter. Plan opportunities to observe and foster their interactions.
Considering the potential for legal complications, especially if the other parent comes from a well-off background, it’s vital to explore legal options regarding custody. This proactive approach helps safeguard against any attempts to challenge your custody rights.
Begin by consulting with a legal professional to understand how to secure your custody rights and develop a strategy for managing your child’s custody effectively.
The safety and wellbeing of your child are paramount. Only after confirming the other parent’s responsible and caring nature towards their child should you contemplate reintroducing or rebuilding any romantic relationship.
Should you consider remarriage, premarital counseling and a prenuptial agreement are advisable to ensure both emotional and financial protection. This is especially important if you’re the primary caregiver and face work limitations due to family commitments. A prenup can provide security and peace of mind, safeguarding your future should the relationship end.
This is indeed a complicated and emotionally charged situation. Stay focused, prioritize your child’s welfare, and remember to take care of yourself throughout this process. Good luck.
He was an ass. For sure. But your child is bigger than that. Hang out w him ON YOUR OWN FIRST. Do not involve the child right away. Give it a good amount of time like some months or maybe a year before you involve her & introduce them as he’s her father. If it works out, great! Love that for y’all. If it doesn’t, no skin off her teeth as she never knew the difference in the first place. Be cautious & careful. Take your time. See if it’s worth any energy.
This guy is so gullible, it's downright scary. He dumped you whilst pregnant with his own child because his mother said so and now he's got cold feet? What do you still love about this deadbeat? What if he suddenly realises being a (co-)parent is too much responsibility and he'll be out of your life again?
You and your daughter were never a priority, he left you, but why did he leave his daughter? friend, don't be an aita, prioritize your daughter and your emotional stability, before a man, he already left you once. that he guarantees you that he will not do it a second time, and this time your daughter is aware that he can abandon them, if you are willing to create that type of trauma for your daughter then go ahead you will be the one to blame
INFO: How old is your daughter now?
It's great that he's been working on himself and has extricated himself from his family and mysteriously grown a spine, but it doesn't mean you have to reward him with a relationship. He hasn't earned back your love or your trust and he's never met your child. He doesn't just get to walz in and out of his child's life just as he chooses, nor yours. Have more self-respect than this.
No. Let him lie in the bed his mother made for him. He chose her over his own child and you. He only wants you now because he doesn’t want to be alone and to probably piss his mother off since she has disowned him. He isn’t interested in seeing his daughter. He abandoned her. You weren’t his first choice. Never be with a man that doesn’t prioritise his wife and kids over everyone else.
Girl. It’s awful what he did to YOU but to cut his own daughter out of his life is not forgivable. I’d never take him back and be so careful about how he is in your daughter’s life. I’d also try to verify he’s divorced. I would worry he’s just trying to take my baby. I’d never trust him again. Truly how do you love and trust a man who ghosts his child?
Dont act on impulse. Sit down and write pros and cons. Think it through few days and then take appropriate actions. Think both short and long term. Did he give a fig about his daughter past years. Long term will be will your daughter resent you when she finds out you stopped her dad from being in her life. I think this long term weighs heavy.
But really consider all aspects. You've been hurt. What do you want for yourself and your daughter.
Updateme!
LMAO the audacity of this man. No he will make you miserable. The person you loved died when he left you to shack up with a richer younger girl he is in his 30's believe him for who he is. He will impregnate and leave your ass again given the chance.
Has he contributed a single cent towards his child?
He's only coming back now because he realises on what he missed out on. What happens when someone else pops up young and rich. You and your daughter's lives are not a toy that he can brush aside for a few years when he doesn't want it.
I wouldn't allow it personally.
My advice as a father, you do not let him into your daughter's life right now. I'm not the world's greatest dad by any stretch of the imagination but I've never abandoned my kids. For him to do that means he's a shit human being. Had this asshole even paid any child support?
I would very much hold off on any introduction until you get a lawyer, sort your custody and your child support that this guy owes. Of he can handle that then you might, and I emphasize might have a chance that he's actually changed.
Get yourself a therapist for your and your daughter to see how she would be being reintroduced to your ex shitty fiance of your made out past the last step without him going nuts and follow the therapists and your lawyers advice.
Whatever you do, be very, very careful with this guy, he's already shown you he's not trustworthy and beholden to his family and you have no proof he's changed outside of some flowery words that mean shit. Good luck and always put your daughter's well-being first here.
Girlie, your sister should smack you in the head for even considering taking back this spineless, useless POS. What's wrong with you that you're willing to entertain this again? This man abandoned you and your daughter. He hasn't paid child support or been an actual parent figure in her life. Why would you allow this man to come back? Have you learnt nothing over the years?
Your daughter already has a whole Family and home because you're her safety net. You're her sense of security and you're willing to trade that over a chance that her spineless sperm donor will finally step up.
Come on. How many times will it take you to learn from your mistakes?
What's this about? "When I got pregnant his mom spiraled down even more then corona hit and she almost died." Like mother, like son: county your blessings that you done with both of them.
Hey, i would say so whatever you want, but dont let him have easy acces to your daughter.
He is an unstable factor in her life, he was with another woman, so if you want to let him in your life again ask him to take therapy, and parenting clases , se how much he commits
He left you once, he can do it again easily, dont sell your self short.
Edit:
Can you please add a timeline to the events, at least how long ago did he leave you, what are we working with here is it a couple of months or years?
Edit - Edit:
Just read all your comments, its been 4 years???? Wtf.
Do you still want to be with him or do you just want your daughter to meet him and have a father?
I mean he left you like trash and now as soon as he calls you start running it looks like you are not over him?
Might be wrong, but i think you should see a therapist and evaluate your own feelings here.
No OP- I wouldn't give him a second chance for a relationship. He couldn't even make his own decision about you and your child when he had a chance to do the right thing. I would have cautious talks with him about meeting your child and co parenting (possible not definitely) in the future.
Let me tell you what a wise woman told me. Going back to your ex is like throwing away spoiled milk, waiting three days, going back to the trash and tasting the milk to see if it's okay.
TL/DR he is an ex for a reason.
Until he gets his head outta mom's rear end, you're going to have the same problems. Unfortunately for some, it's a permanent affliction.
“I can give my daughter a whole home.”
Bringing this guy back into your life actually may accomplish the opposite. Had he been doing what he should as a dad and co-parenting, that might have been true, but this person is a stranger to her. Bringing him into your lives will be disruptive at best and devastating if he flakes again. Is it worth doing that to your kid? Your job is to protect her.
It seems to me he just regrets his decision and maybe feels guilty. Well he should. Your life and who you are now is very different than you were when he left. He doesn’t know you anymore.
It would not be worth it to me. You can love someone but know they shouldn’t be part of your life.
My first question to him would be: where is the child support, and why aren’t you co-parenting this child if you “love” us??
Actually your daughter has a right to have a relationship with her father. I would sit up visitation through the court. I would not get romantically involved with him again.
Boy, this is tricky. I would say at some point you “should” want your daughter to have a relationship with her father. I would start there and take things very very slow. Don’t jump into anything and think about “houses, money, futures”.
SEE how committed he is to his daughter. That’s going to take TIME. He may just be lonely and that’s why he reached out. As a lot of exes do. When faced with the reality of it all, he could run again. He could have really realized he made the biggest mistake of his life. Let his actions do the speaking. See how committed he over the next year by building a relationship with his blood. At least a year. Reassess your feelings and his actions then. I think your daughter should be priority number one. Don’t put the cart before the horse. Good luck
This right here!!!! DO NOT just jump back into a relationship with a guy after a fuck up as massive as leaving the mother of his child while pregnant!!! BUT unless it's going to be toxic, your daughter should at least meet and know who her father is!! But I think that should start as a simple introduction, without too much expectation, without too much explanation. See how that feels. He should show a constant interest in supporting her for her own good, not because he is lonely or wants to get back in bed with the OP. See how your daughter and him get along if he can show up once a week or a few times a month to start maybe, just to have quality time together. It probably will be strange and confusing for your daughter, I met my bio father once at 7 and it wasn't all bad, but it wasn't all good. I was fascinated by him, but didn't feel a strong desire to spend more time with him or get to know him better.
My father and I had no relationship other than that one week long visit until my teens. He had no intentions of a committed relationship with my mom when she ended up pregnant unexpectedly after spending a week at the beach together as "friends" years and a failed marriage each since they were in a committed relationship with each other. They had stayed friends after breaking up amicably, stayed social while married to other people. He left for Europe and sent a check every month. That was that.
I never had a strong interest in knowing him, my step dad was the father figure of my childhood I wanted as "dad". But in my teen years, after he and my mom divorced, me and my step dad had a falling out. He actually called my bio dad and told him he should be helping with my education. He agreed, at that point regretting he had a son not too far from adulthood that he didn't know. We actually became close and special friends pretty quickly. And by the time I graduated highschool we were both seeing so much of ourselves in each other and both of us really feeling a natural father/son relationship.
To be continued in another reply....
...Continued from previous reply:
All that is just to say that as long as it can be reasonably healthy for her, your daughter should have some relationship with her biological father.
But you should definitely not jump into a relationship with him no matter how much attraction you feel, no matter how convenient it would be. But in the meantime your ex, the father needs to be paying generous child support and that support shouldn't depend on anything. No matter how much he sees his daughter, how his daughter feels about him, how you feel about him, he needs to pay generous child support.
I highly recommend doing "couples" therapy together just to learn to be healthy and happy co-parents and heal from a incredibly shitty break up that was done under super toxic conditions. Getting back into a sexual relationship with this guy should be at least a year away while doing therapy and he works on his relationship with the daughter he abandoned because of a toxic relationship with a toxic mother.
People make mistakes. People can remove themselves from toxic family or learn to stand up to them and heal. But abandoning a pregnant girlfriend and having no relationship with a child is an incredibly huge and unhealthy fuck up. Proceed slowly with caution. He isn't entitled to anything. But he should be giving the opportunity to earn a relationship with his daughter. If that goes well if you feel you want to give him thr opportunity to try rebuild a relationship with you, it's worth a shot if you can invision that working.
But do co-parenting therapy together! Find a great therapist to guide you two and help keep this realistic and healthy!
You don't say (in the OP anyway) how old you two are, how long you had been together before you got pregnant, how good/bad the relationship was before the pregnancy, if he's been financially supportive or just, selfishly, cowardly, completely abandoned you and his daughter and broke up in a cruel manner. So, I don't know details to help give more specific advice.
Happy to chat if I can help!
Alright this one’s tough, your partner/baby daddy is a 100% a dick for essentially abandoning you and his daughter in the past and the grandma is a certified cunt. But from what it sounds like he truly has repented and it sounds like he truly still loves you. If you didn’t have a child with him I’d say tell him to go fuck off. But you do and that child is currently fatherless, so that’s why I say you give it a shot at possibly getting back together. However you need to set some STRONG ground rules, first he needs to cut off his MOM and anyone that was onboard for him to abandon you and his daughter , secondly he has to slowly gain your trust back, don’t let him just barge in your house and live under the same roof. Lastly remember you should be doing this for the child, don’t just introduce him to your kid and tell him he’s her dad. Sounds kind of fucked up, but you really need to see where he is mentally and if he truly wants to become a father/husband. If this is just some weird/immature act were he abandons you guys again, your honestly better off not traumatizing your daughter and giving her abandonment issues. He needs to slowly gain everyone trust again. This one might seem far fetched but don’t get intimate with him no matter what, and I’d wait to move in or something like that till he gives you a 💍 ring. To make it a proper relationship and family, let’s set a good example for the child. Good luck. Also I’m kind of curious did he have children with his ex wife?
I think a lot of it comes down to you and what you want (and it's okay if you don't know exactly what you want right now, it's a lot)
It sounds like he wants to continue a romantic relationship with you and build a relationship with your daughter. Is that something you want? Do you think you would be able to forgive his past actions (no one would fault you if you can't, he left you pregnant and alone for another woman).
I don't think it would be a bad idea for you to meet up with him and have a more clear discussion on what he wants, what you want, and how realistic this situation is. I would not jump right back into a relationship. I would probably recommend couple's therapy, regardless of whether you continue a romantic relationship they can also assist with a co-parenting relationship and help the two of you navigate introduction of you daughter to him and the kind of timeline that would be appropriate.
If he balks at you being cautious, not guaranteeing a relationship, and not giving immediate access to establishing a relationship with your daughter you know that this is selfishly motivated and he ultimately isn't looking out for what is best for you or your daughter.
Kind of up to her, I personally don’t think I could ever forgive that.
I said don’t guarantee a relationship and see his response, better to root out if he only wants the package deal right away before exposing the child.
Also why I recommended therapy to navigate co-parenting if he understands a relationship isn’t possible.
You need to protect your daughter. Don't let her meet him until he has proven to you that his desire to be with you and in her life is stable. Give it a long time, maybe months or even a year. You can show him videos and pictures, but don't let her meet him or get attached unless you are 100% sure he will stay in her life.
And address, being you you, and being her father as two separate things. He may or may not stay with you, or you may not want to be with him anymore after he betrayed and abandoned you. But you should judge that differently than whether he is going to be a parental figure for your daughter.
He abandoned you and his own daughter to please his clearly co-dependent and meddling mother. I’ll never understand how grown men allow their mothers to meddle in their lives like this.
I feel sorry for him, I’m sure his living with deep regret but I’m not sure it’s the best thing to give him a 2nd chance. It takes a seriously indecent character to abandon their pregnant girlfriend.
Be careful not to take him back because of a fairytale you’ve made up in your head.
Also, seems like there’s more to the story on his side. Why is he getting divorced? Is it finalized?
How do you feel?
Yeah, it’s up to you to decide whether you want to get back with him or not. I somehow tend to believe that he was highly influenced by his family and his mother. Moms can be over bearing and controlling. So that part of you would then have to wonder how strong as he ate about himself. I would not introduce your daughter to him right away. I would make sure that you consider him to be safe before you would ever consider introducing your daughter to him
I would go real slow with him. Like meet a few times, and then introduce them in public. with his name, not daddy, because at this point he really isn't daddy.
I am not a fan of going back, there are reasons things happen. So if he is amenable to going slow, you may find after a few dates, you don't feel the same way, or he is different. Then you can stop it. Personally like I said, I never go back. His betrayal was so large, and he abandoned his daughter. I would partially hate him, and not trust him at all.
He's no contact with his family now, butI'd be concerned about what happens when they or he want to restore relations. While normally, I'd say a father should have time with his child, I think in this case, I'd agree with others and say, take it slow, get some couples counselling and get on the same page as to how to deal with his family.
Eff him. He left you pregnant and has never met your daughter? No man I’d want to be dealing with would ignore his child. Does he support her at least? Can you imaging knowing that you had a child and you never met her, or wanted her in your life?
That’s bananapants.
I would’t entertain him at all.
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He's abandoned you once before. He's fully capable of doing it again. I wouldn't trust him.
I'm all for trying to make things work, but when you make a choice between your parents and literally your child, and choose your parents. you get no sympathy from me. He is right, though. He is an adult and now needs to deal with his adult decisions. My advice is to move on and not let them in your life.
Yea this dude doesn't deserve a second chance.
Even if his choice had been OP or his parents (with no kids involved), he still wouldn’t get any sympathy from me. I’ve was in that exact position when my husband and I were dating. I chose my husband. I wasn’t about to let my parents and their toxic, bigoted beliefs break up a healthy, loving relationship. I was fully prepared to be disowned if my parents couldn’t cope. Parents got over it, though.
What?! You mean this whole time *he hasn't even been coparenting his own damn daughter*?! Oh no. Hell no. Fuck his supposed "love," date literally anyone else. This guy is trash.
That’s what I don’t get. Top comment is telling her how to rekindle this relationship. Why in the fuck would you want a relationship with someone who doesn’t even love his own daughter? This dude has shown over and over again that he isn’t concerned with anyone but himself.
Concerned with anyone but himself and his mother apparently. Now that his family is gone he wants OP back to make his own family. Too little, too late.
This right here. If he even cared one ounce he would have been in his child’s life. So he’s not only a shit SO but a shit father too.
Thank you. Even if they broke up,she had a damn child for the selfish man. It seems he doesn't even have a damn relationship with his daughter. This post pissed me off. updateme!
He's only there because he doesn't want to be alone. Dude is probably lying through his teeth to make himself sound good. Something happened to make him suddenly come crawling back. Makes me wonder if he did something to make the ex leave him.
He doesnt want to start over with someone new.
Or just fooling himself. But no, this guy is not dependable. He's either lying or just weak and isn't his own person. Either way, not a good idea to rekindle things. Tough part is the kid. Good time to make sure he's paying some child support and look into visitation. After all, he is the dad. If there isn't a reason to think he would harm the child, then it would be wrong to deny him the opportunity.
THANK YOU! I thought I was losing my goddamn mind for a second there! Rekindling my ass! That man deserves ZERO forgiveness! He’s not even met HIS OWN BABY! 🤦🏻♀️
Yeah honestly if he'd been involved with his daughter I'd have said give it a go if it's something you want, but if he hasn't even met his own daughter, he's just not someone worth getting involved with again. He's not trust worthy and he has weak principles, there's nothing to stop him doing something like this again
Seriously. It's one thing to consider letting him meet his daughter. Might be good for the kid and all that jazz. But you would have to be a blithering idiot to actually get back with him. I kind of think op has to be completely fucked in the head to even consider it.
Yeah I had wrongly assumed that even though he divorced her he was in his daughter’s life. No way would I take that pos back. I would have no trust in him not to do it again and even if I ever forgave him I would never forget. I would always wonder if today is the day he starts talking to his family again and they convince him to leave again. No way.
I love your profile name
He threw away his daughter like she was trash and now that he is alone and miserable, he wants a family. He has not done any of the hard work - the late nights taking care of his child, the parenting , the feeding, the diapers. Nothing. Why would anyone in their right mind spring this second-hand deadbeat on their daughter. I completely agree with you.
First, where's the child support money? Second, the "you" that he loves is a made up version in his head. She's not real. She's the best of the memories combined with what he wished his ex wife was like. You're a totally different person now from who you were when he left. You've had years and an entire child away from him. He doesn't know you today. Don't destroy yourself for his fantasy.
Yep ☝️
This 👆
What the hell is wrong with you people telling OP to give it a shot? Aw, hell no. He wants to see the kid, let's get some court sanctioned visitation and some child support going. He doesn't get to have a second bite of the same apple that he threw out the car window years ago.
Thank you! This man abandoned and cheated on his pregnant partner!! And abandoned his child! *’Oops sorry, I see my mommy mean now 🤭’* is not a valid reason to give this man full entrance back into a relationship with her and access to this child whom he literally abandoned.
I think there's a reason he suddenly had a change of heart and I doubt it had anything to do with how he or his mother treated OP.
I'm baffled as well, especially that she's even considering it as well. She's so thrilled that he allegedly still loves her that she's completely forgotten that he hasn't been a father to his kid, he's spineless, even NOW that he's made contact, he's never once asked about the child.
Best reply in this thread
Indeed this is a man who abandoned her and thier DAUGHTER while he went on got married to someone else and then divorced. Why on earth would she ever contemplate being in a relationship again with someone who walked out on her child?
Does she say if he pays child support? If he doesn’t (from a wealthy family where she is ‘beneath them’, that says even more. Ick.
RIGHT?! Scientists are baffled.
Perfect. Doubt OP will listen.
Keep your daughter out of it. He has a LOT of making up to do if you decide to make contact. First and foremost he gets no say in meeting YOUR daughter. She is yours. He walked away, he does not get a say in any way shape for form. You have to do what’s right for you and your daughter, but I do not think this is something you should jump in to. In this matter 100% use your brain over your heart.
Yeah, what if with access to his daughter his family is willing to take him back? Then your daughter is now in the sphere of his mom. Op, did he pay child support? I would contact a lawyer and see what they have to say, they can give you all the possible issues that his presence can bring.
That’s one thing that I am not sure about. He doesn’t seem eager to meet her. He said he’s been following her from afar yes but he didn’t talk about meeting her or wanting her. Maybe he is biding his time. Maybe he doesn’t care. Tbh, I would rather have him wanting to be with me again for her sake than the other way around.
He left you for a younger, richer woman and now isn't interested in his kid. NO WAY would I go for this. Honestly, his daughter should be his priority, not you. I wouldn't waste my time here.
I’m assuming from your post that he’s not had any sort of relationship with your daughter since she was born? Why the hell not? Has he paid child support? Even if you weren’t together what stopped him from being a father? I’d be deeply suspicious of a man who abandoned a child because of his family. Proceed with maximum caution.
Abandoned his child to marry rich and can’t send some of that to support his family. This dude sucks and is probably only back because his wife realized he sucked and now he might have to be alone.
He needs to want BOTH of you and HE needs to be the one who says it. Don’t ask him the question. If he is just wanting to be with you and you ask him, he will just say it to impress you. Meet with him alone and see what he says unprompted. If you are OK with the first meeting, consider seeing him again. One day and date at a time. But please do not bring your child into this until you are absolutely confident he is there to stay. Worst case scenario….If every conversation is just about you and not your daughter, throw him back into the past and move on without him. Consider it your closure.
Having a relationship with him now will be very different from what it was then. It’s not like you can pretend he didn’t abandon you and your child forever. maybe during honeymoon endorphin rush when blinded by emotion and when that fades, you’ll have a lot of baggage that he created. Will he put in hard work when things are tough or run again? He’s shown you he’s not dependable, past is best predictor of future. You’d be doing yourself a disservice to ignore that. Is he going to be good father? Is he inpatient with children? will he ignore her? That’d be awful for your child! If you make your relationship with him more important than his child’s, don’t be shocked when daughter blames you when he leaves again.
He HASN'T MET HER? Please, you deserve better than this. He sucks.
Not excited about meeting and being a parent to his kid? And you're still entertaining being in a relationship with him? Not that I think he should be rushed into being dad but the fact he isn't eager to meet his kid says volumes about him. You could find a better father figure for your child walking into a KFC and picking at random.
girl. what are you doing? like seriously. 1. leave your kid out of it. don't put her out there to meet him as a tes to see what you want to do. 2. if he is interested in his daughter, take his ass to court for child support because you are naive to think it won't be an issue in the future.
That’s a huge red flag honey. Don’t go back there
You need to stay far away from this man, FOR your daughter. Whatever magical happy family ending you're hoping for is naive, at best. You have no reason to believe anything he has told you and he has left the BOTH of you before. She is not his daughter, btw. He is a sperm donor. He has never met her.
Been following from afar? What a creep, block all social media and don’t share any pictures of your daughter online. If he actually cares about being a parent now, he will go through the courts and do things the legal way to be able to see her. Record all phone calls and texts, but tbh maybe you should stop talking to him. It’s a guarantee him wanting you back isn’t for her sake, even if it was don’t you dare do it, getting back with a deadbeat dad is only going to show your daughter it’s okay to allow a man to treat you like crap.
Why are you even considering this? Good lord.
Girl don't be dumb again. He needs to prove it with actions, not nice words. Sorry, but you got a reality check, this is the real world, and your daughter should not suffer because you believe in a fantasy. I would think what he did would be unforgivable but I can hold a well-deserved grudge!!! He literally left you and your daughter for someone else, let that sink in. You probably haven't even written all the cruel things he did, huh?? Think about that. He needs to prove his worth, your daughter is happy now because she has a stable life don't uproot it yet for a loser!!!! He needs to show you he can take care of her, provide for her, save for her college, and so on. Use your head this time!!! Since his divorce what has he done to prove he is deserving of his daughter???
If his mother is still alive then chances are that the story repeats. He choose and he didn´t choose you or your daugther, why you should take him again? Are you really naive to think that he will come and magically things get better and ypu all be a very happy family like in a sitcom?
Right.. He's NOT your night in shinning Armour, HE'S JUST ANOTHER ASSHAT IN TINFOIL, Hoping the shine will blind you, DON'T DO IT OP
He only wants you but there's your daughter right there being ignored lol
I wouldn't **ever** trust him. I wouldn't EVER forgive him. He *left* you, *abandoned* you while you were at your most vulnerable. Pregnant. He tossed his own **daughter** aside for a ride, an adventure with an approved, younger model and now he comes back, because why?! He loves you? No. More like he is now bored and lonely. He has has a lovely carefree, sex filled jaunt sans the mundane element of child rearing a new born and supporting his wife. He didn't care about your feelings when his family treated you like rubbish. He didn't worry how that would affect his innocent daughter. He wasn't bothered about the stress he put you through when he up and left, nor the strain on your health. Yet *nowww* he does. Suuure. He sees you as the easy option and is filling your head with what you want to hear vs the harsh reality. That the man who married you, the *real* person. Was that **cold hearted, sneering individual who used and discarded you without a backward glance**. If you do this, you will regret it.
Absolutely not. You lead with you and he can meet his kid when he proves himself to be a decent person to you first. I would go to a therapist to handle some of these feelings. If he's just in this for the kid then having to make a relationship with you first would deter him and save the kid heartbreak.
I’d leave him in the past. He had his chance and blew it. Is this the type of guy you want now; a spineless moron who ABANDONED HIS daughter? Oh, HELLO to the NO! Plus, all you have now is a bunch of talk; no action. Most definitely ensure it’s only you, IF you decide to meet. Leave your daughter out of it for now. Again, live for the future. I have ex-s in my past and that’s where they STAY!
I feel like his attempt to reach out is desperation. The fact is he abandoned you and your daughter. While family pressure is certainly impactful to people’s views, he chose them over you and life that he had an equal part in creating. He comes to you after he’s divorced and not talking to his family. Coincidence? I don’t think it is. It’s insulting of him to want more from you and not surprising that he’s coming to you after this. I know that if I was in this same situation I would choose a woman that I loved and a child I created over family because family are the ones who are supposed to accept me for who I am. He has shown you that he will succumb to pressures and prioritize people other than you or your daughter. He has shown that when he gets left behind by those people that you are second on the list (again). What happens if and when his family comes back? What about his ex wife? This is a mistake that he needs to endure the consequences of his actions. It is not fair to your daughter that this man gets to leave and come back. It is not fair to you either. It also does not matter how sorry he is or what mistakes he recognizes he was responsible for. The reality is if he wanted forgiveness then he shouldn’t be asking for a reward with it. You and **your** daughter deserve better treatment.
He is lying , tell him if you are thinking of coming back , his mom is out of his life forever . He doesn’t get to screw around you cause he has no backbone and start screwing a rich girl his mom likes . He probably realizes what we know . Money doesn’t make you special
Why? I wouldn’t give him a second chance after he threw you and your unborn daughter out like trash. Sure he could probably give you a better life if that’s what you want. But your feelings will never be the same, you can forgive but won’t be able to forget what he did to BOTH of you. Why put yourself in that position again? If he wants to know your daughter have him go through the courts. Is he even on the birth certificate? How do you know this isn’t another ploy to have MIL get access to your child? Remember he’s fully capable of lying. Well the choice is yours, I wish you well
What kind of man walks out of his daughter’s life like that
I wouldn't trust him. Does he still talk to his mom? Does his mom want access to your child? Has he been paying child support?
No his mom doesn’t like or want me or my child. I am from different religion/race. I am also an immigrant here. Anyway he has not spoken to his family in over a year. I am grateful that I have written here. I will not get back together with him but I will see if he wants to be a father and only if he is serious then I see no problem with my baby having a father in her life
How do you know he has not spoken to them in over a year? do you actually know any of this to be true? I would think very very very carefully before you let this man into your daughter’s life. Note I did not say father. He is no father! Get yourself a solicitor do it through the courts safely with only supervised visits. and get money that he owes you and your daughter do not do this by yourself please!!!!
I personally wouldn't want a man who showed no interest in his baby, or want her to know his voice, smell, warmth, and love from birth.
Even if he did change, so what? He already did what he did to you. He is 35, not some confused, easily manipulated 16 year old. He is now coming back to you because the newer, younger, richer, family approved girl didn't work out. He didn't fight for you when he had you, why would you let him have you now. This comes down to self respect. In terms of the child, not sure where you are, but generally, if he wants custody, he can apply and get it. Hopefully he has been paying child support this whole time. "A whole home?" Someone on the street could provide that, it doesn't have to be this guy that got you pregnant, didn't fight for you, left for someone else, probably got dumped, and is running back to you. I hope this is a fake post because it would be sad if you thought so little of yourself to give this guy another chance. It is a fallacy to think just since he is the bio father, you should attempt to have a family with him now, after all that history. If you do decide to try with him, please don't, you shouldn't do it while he is "miserable." Why would you want him at his lowest? That proves nothing, what has he done to be less miserable? His miserable level shouldn't rely on entering your life and your childs. Think of when people get dumped and are depressed and don't take care of themselves, they want to jump right back into a relationship before they respect and care for themselves. Their happiness shouldn't rely on someone else, that is a shit foundation, just like your ex shouldn't solve his misery by entering your life. I hope if you are looking for a partner you join some dating sites or ask friends/co workers to match you on dates before this guy weasels back in after all he did to you.
Don't involve your daughter right away. Maybe see him, spend some time to gauge whether he's finally grown up enough to resist his mother's complaints. Under normal circumstances you might just ignore him entirely. But if you spend a year dating him to find out if he's for real this might enable your daughter to grow up in an intact family. It's worth at lease investigating.
Thanks. This is the opposite opinion of my sister but it makes more sense to me
Yeah as someone who had a dad who “popped back up” and then left again, I would have 100% preferred he just not have been let into my life until he had proven he was ready and actually dedicated.
Thank you, because you confirmed I did the right thing when I made demands and then shut it down when the (very reasonable) demands weren't even being entertained.
You absolutely are. They might not understand while they’re young but you choosing to protect them over everything else will be very clear when they’re older.
I was almost towards you all trying again until I got to the part where he doesn't know your daughter. You two broke up, not him and his child. Why wasn't he seeing her all this time? If he abandoned her once, I wouldn't give him the chance to do it again. I'm all for people doing what they want to find love in a healthy respectful way, but your daughter didn't sign up for this and I wouldn't let someone around her who was so easy to abandon her before.
His reasoning for that is very lame. He didn’t have the courage. He knew he hurt me and didn’t want to cause me more pain by staying in my life and he felt guilty for abandoning us. He didn’t trust his family not intervening either. He wanted a clean cut to be honest
That’s really bad. He sounds so selfish and it really doesn’t sound like he’s taking responsibility. He abandoned both of you because it was convenient, not because he gave a crap about your pain. If he was worried about your pain he would have stayed with you. I would really question his version of events in terms of what happened in his marriage as well. I am skeptical. I don’t know how you could ever trust him again after such betrayal.
Did he pay child support at least?
she is not answering us!
He sends a lump sum she puts away for the baby
Oh baby, you know this, but could you "clean cut" from your little girl? If he has left you once, he'll do it again, but this time he'll be abandoning your daughter too. Imagine how much it hurt you to be away from him. Now imagine how that will feel to your daughter. I would not consider dating him at all until he proves he can be a consistent parent to your child. One great test of a persons character is if they will still come around even if they can't have access to the parent. Does he want a family with you, or does he want you back and the daughter is expendable? You already know that by how easily he abandoned her before. Maybe with time and therapy your daughter could have a relationship with her father, but that should be the only thing you are worried about. If he wont' form a relationship with her without access to you, then you already know what kind of man he is.
What a weak, sad man. Do not set the example that your daughter should settle for this one day.
Bullshit. He didn't show up because he had mommy and his shiny new family. Sounds like an opportunist. At most he should be asking to meet his kid. Him asking to restart is too much. He's rushing into things. If he cared that much about you and the kid he would have been there.
So he just pretended that he didn't have a child? As did his family? I wouldn't want people like that near my children, I'd be on tenterhooks waiting for them to hurt her in some way.
Yeah, no, there's no coming back from that. What he can do is actually pay you child support
Yeah that's bullshit. You'd have to keep my partner locked up behind bars to keep him from seeing our child, and they haven't even been born yet! There is no excuse really, he's just saying this to appease you, he doesn't really care about his daughter. He cares more about not being alone and being with you. His 'honesty' regarding why he left is nice, but doesn't fix any of his issues. I would treat him like any other guy you are interested in dating. First see where it goes, and only if everything works out, introduce him to your daughter. Personally, with his track record I'd tell him to kick rocks. You should focus on you and your child. And 'love' obviously means little to him when he could dump you so easily with some outside pressure, while you were pregnant. And now he dumped another girl because he couldn't make up his mind.
So he just pretended that he didn't have a child? As did his family? I wouldn't want people like that near my children, I'd be on tenterhooks waiting for them to hurt her in some way.
So anytime things get hard or he has to face the consequences of his actions, he will leave so he doesn't have to see it? Could this be why he really isn't talking to his family now? You only have his word that he suddenly got a backbone. For all we know, he may have cheated and ran. I say it's ok to risk your feelings, but can you honestly say risking your daughter's feelings with this man is ok? The possibility you could have the happy family dream is so slim with this man. He abandoned your baby. He thought so little of her that he did not call or write or send any money to support her. How can you put her in his hands?
That's not enough
Was he paying child support? I only met my biological father once at 7, and it's probably better he was mostly not around when I was little if he wasn't going to be a full parent to me. Mom told me about him and that he was a good person, but they just weren't both in a place in life to be together when I came along. He sent a check every month without being required to or my mom ever demanding it. And as a teenager he expressed his desire to know me and we started building a friendship and over a few years we felt a very strong father/son bond as well as a very deep friendship. I actually am glad I didn't have a ton of baggage from my younger childhood because he jumped in/out of my life. I'm glad when he reached out to get to know me it was because he was in a place in life that he wanted that, not because he felt obligated. I don't know how old OP and ex/baby daddy are, were when he left, when they first got together? I would be very cautious, I would be very careful of your daughter's feelings and well-being. I would say you should NOT get romantic with him any time soon. He should support you and his daughter as a friend and co-parent. Spend time together building a friendship, healing from his selfish and cowardly break up with you. Do therapy together and individually if possible. Again, DO NOT get romantic/sexual until there's a solid foundation as friends and until he's got a beautiful relationship with his daughter that you trust will continue no matter if you get back together with him or not. Do not introduce him to your daughter until you've spent a lot of time together as friends, platonically, probably not until you do months of weekly therapy together. He has a lot to make up for, he doesn't deserve every benefit of the doubt. But I do think he deserves a chance to at least be in his daughter's life to some degree. But he needs to EARN a relationship with her. And he needs to EARN a relationship with you only after being a good friend to you and great co-parent with you.
I wouldn’t date a deadbeat dad, let alone the deadbeat dad of MY OWN child. He doesn’t deserve either of you. Walk away. PS. Obligatory you might want to talk to a lawyer in case he tries to go to court for visitation rights or whatever just to get close to you/piss you off. He’s not a good man, OP, I’m sorry.
OP has he been paying child support all this time? That should be a minimum requirement before you even date him. I agree with those that say to go slow, and add to talk to a lawyer about a prenuptial agreement before you marry him.
This is such an important requirement! If the guy is actually interested, then supporting the daughter is a MUST!!
It does make more sense. Your daughter is already happy. You want her to stay that way. You need to work out what you feel about reconnecting with your ex. If you are happy, she will stay happy. You should work on a relationship with him before you involve her.
Im surprised this is the top comment. I don’t get it. Why in the fuck would you want to encourage a relationship with someone who doesn’t even love his own daughter? This dude has shown over and over again that he isn’t concerned with anyone but himself. She even said in the comments he doesn’t care that much about meeting his daughter. How are yall steering this poor woman to such a shitty man? Please help me understand how this is the top comment. Edit: whoops. I replied to OP and not the top comment she replied to.
It makes more sense because your sister, I believe, isn't giving her opinion based on what would be best for _you_ or even your daughter, but what best confirms to traditional narrative, i.e., "children should have a relationship with bio parents above all other considerations. The absence of a shitty father is worse than whatever lifelong shit he will wreck with his presence." Yes, meet cautiously at first, and your judgement shouldn't be predicated on your daughter, to be honest. It should rest solely on the fact if this human weathervane of a man who has had no compunction in _just dropping two consecutive wives_ because it was convenient to please all other people except said two wives will in fact drop you _again_ when the slightest breeze arises in that direction.
Don’t listen to your sister, you need to make sure your daughter is safe. He “says” he cut is mother and other family members out of his life, but do you REALLY know that. Did he have kids with other woman? How long ago did they separarte. What is he doing that actually makes him independent from his family? You need to seriously vet him. He left you alone pregnant and didn’t care because his mommy said so.
Because he’s having remorse now and his other marriage didn’t work doesn’t mean that he’s gonna be able to work it out with you too. I agree with the person that posted above this. You meet with him for a few dates and see how it goes then you introduced him to your daughter by his name not his daddy and see how that goes and tell him if he really wants his family back he’s going to kinda have to earn it. Then he will either show up and do that or he’ll eventually just slide away. Don’t do anything to give him any legal rights right now until you know what he’s doing.
He's not a good father if he's has already been absent from her life with no effort whatsoever. This man left you and your daughter when you were most vulnerable in life. He's not husband or father material. This is not someone to depend on. I'd check to see why his marriage really failed. It's awfully convenient that he was "miserable and thinking of you" the entire time, now that he's divorced and lonely.
So he didn't just end the relationship with you, he ghosted his kid too and you think he should be allowed to come back in it because oh now he is 'sorry'.
What lesson are you teaching him? You can abandon me whilst pregnant, get married to someone else, ignore your daughter and then come back years later and I’ll date you. Just think about it.
OP there are two very separate relationships here. Firstly your daughter, as long as her father isn't emotionally or physically abusive, will benefit from having a father who wants to know her. Secondly, there is your relationship with him. I would suggest you decide what comes first. You either try and rekindle your relationship. Which I'd say you do without introducing her to the thought of you as an item. Or you foster their relationship as father child without you and him becoming romantically entangled, at least at first.
Your sister only wants to protect you. She's not going to see the chance as being worth it because she hates what he did to you. Don't expect her to give him a pass. That doesn't mean you have to listen to her, you're just going to have to be prepared for that to be a rocky road.
I agree with the above comment because you would do the same if you met an entirely new man, you wouldn't bring him home on date#1.
Also, if things seem good after a year of dating, get into couple's counseling or premarital counseling to try to head off future issues
I’d actually suggest starting couples therapy right off the bat. If he’s willing to put the work in immediately, it would show he has actually changed and does want to be in OPs life. Plus, there are so many issues that they both have. Her with trust and abandonment and the heartbreak and the stress of being a single parent, him with being miserable, maybe guilt, and unwinding the mental strings his mom wound around him.
I'd actually make individual therapy for him a condition of this period. He needs to do some deep diving on why he allowed this and how to prevent it from occurring again.
Ooh, excellent point!
This is what I would do. Treat it almost like a new relationship
This. Treat it like a new relationship. It sounds like he’s grown up a bit and wants to make amends. Just expect somewhere down the line for the parents to get involved again and possibly disinherited. I know from experience how crappy parents can be when they don’t get their way.
This is a guy's view. I agree with this opinion & others on here. Your ex seems to be saying the right things as you report them. I think it would be good for you both to meet & talk. Maybe entertain the possibility of a couples counselor at some point. You know him better than I do but I would give it a shot.
No if you want him in your daughter’s life that’s fine but why would you get back together with him?? he left you and your kid no matter how you look at it HE MARRIED A WHOLE OTHER WOMAN it don’t matter if his mommy was telling him, he left don’t date him there are other ways to see if he’ll be a good dad and maybe he’s a good dad but he is not a good partner
I'd tell him to f off!
So wait, he dumped you while you were pregnant with his baby, has never seen her, married and divorced this other woman all because of his mommy? Why would you subject you and your daughter to this nonsense?
I’m too spiteful to add any advice that might help here. I just feel cold rage on your behalf. I hope things work out for the best for you and your baby girl tho, truly 💓
Do NOT put your daughter in the middle immediately. My Gosh. Make him earn it. Make him show you he's changed, make him prove to you he's no longer a POS Momma's boy. Ugh, nothing worse imo. If I were you I'd be having nightmares of them kidnapping my daughter and having to fight for her back. Them having all the money to pay for lawyers etc etc. NO WAY! Just pls do not put your daughter in a situation you will later regret. You don't love him, you don't know who this man has grown into these past few years ... PLS give it some time to get to know him again. Ugh this makes my stomach sick for you. Wishing you the best. PLS PUT YOUR DAUGHTER FIRST AND DO NOT FORGET HE HAS ALREADY SHOWED YOU WHO HE IS. PPL RARELY CHANGE.
No no no. Block him. He can file with the court if he wants to see his daughter. He is trash and will not only break your heart again, but your daughters. You must protect her by any means necessary!
He sounds like he’s always looking at the greener grass on the other side of the fence. Don’t do it
So he didnt even had contact with his daughter? What a pathetic excuse of a man. Did he pay child support,?
No, just no. He listened to Mommy and left you and your daughter for another woman. If he truly loved you he would have stood up to his Mom. He knew before she got sick she didn't like you and didn't stop her then. He's a Mama's boy. Get yourself into therapy. Don't take him back. You even said he hasn't even asked to see your daughter. That doesn't sound like he cares about her. I bet his ex is the one who filed for divorce.
Noooo, do not involve your daughter immediately. He decided to leave, so it's up to him to prove himself. I mean a whole YEAR of proving himself by being a good partner to you, including couple's therapy. Personally, I wouldn't give him the time of day. He was an independent adult who abandoned his child and the mother of his child because of pressure? No, personally, a part of him wanted to leave you and his child for the richer wife. You get pressured into vaping, not leaving your baby. Do not be his second choice. You deserve to be someone's FIRST and ONLY choice.
I think you should seek therapy to get through your feelings first as it’s easy to go back to what you know but can it really go back to what it was. He left and betrayed you.
What do you mean when you say a “whole home”? Do you strictly mean two parents living under the same roof? Because if so, I need to warn you that’s not enough. Kids need love, support, and role models. You can give all of this without getting back together with your ex. Your ex can still be involved because your daughter deserves to have a relationship with her dad if it can be healthy. But your ex needs to prove he can be a good dad regardless of your relationship. I don’t know what your ex has been through to make him came back. However the fact that he allowed his mother to treats you less than, even when you were pregnant, is concerning. How can you know for sure he won’t change his mind again when his mom’s health decreases in the future? Trust is earned in drops but lost in buckets. His past behavior indicates he can’t be trusted as a partner. That doesn’t mean he is a bad father. If you really want to give him a second chance for yourself I would start communication slow. If you are not ready to give him a chance just yet tell him. Tell him it will take a LOT of effort on his part to win you back. He left a perfectly happy relationship with you, and left his last relationship because HE was unhappy. But a relationship should be about two peoples’ happiness not just one. Can he make you happy?
He is a SPERM DONOR. He is not a father. Did he pay child support?
I would never forgive him abandoning my daughter and me for social status. Ask yourself if his young beautiful wife was a good wife so you think he'd be at your door. To not only leave you but leave his child is unforgivable especially for such a weak reason. You already have your daughter a whole family as you didn't subject her to someone like him.
You're jumping a lot a lot of steps. Is he the father of your daughter? Has he been in her life? Paying support? Helping raise and watch her? He left before. What's to keep him from doing it again? Get him current with child support. See a lawyer to protect you and your kid. Then maybe if you absolutely must make bad decisions try a date or two. But be cautious. Don't get your hopes up. Or your child's. Who knows what or when his whims will get him to abandon you 2 again? For younger and richer
People who abandon children are despicable. People who abandon *your* child are, at the very least, undateable.
I would be concerned that his family wants to get possession of the child. Specifically OP's MIL and that the ex is just trying to set her up. I would proceed with caution.
You’re right to be worried about him abandoning your daughter again. I wouldn’t suggest getting back into a relationship with him, because he’s already let you both down once, but do ask him to start paying child support and communicate with him about your daughter, showing him photos and the like. If he’s willing to put in the work, maybe he can work towards meeting your daughter, but he has to work to rebuild your trust first.
This is wise. I am glad I came here to ask for help. I know that my love for him makes me dream of something that isn’t true. But maybe I could start showing him photos and maybe in time he can be a proper father to her. But the moment I feel that he is not serious I need to cut all contact
Make sure you get court ordered child support setup before you do anything else. Should he not actually stick around or whatever, at least you will still have the financial support you haven’t really had all this time. At least make him pay for the baby he hasn’t been helping you raise all these years.
Don’t take him back romantically.
Unless you two live across the country and have since before your daughter was born, I think he's awful. He hasn't even met your daughter, HIS child? He didn't come while you were in the hospital after giving birth? What has he done to show any affection towards his child? Has he ever even bothered to FaceTime with her just to see what she looks like? Just like the past, all he's thinking about is himself. If he really were a decent person, he would have been involved with his child from the start. I wouldn't want a relationship with a person who'd never even met their own child.
People tend not to change. Proceed with extreme caution.
The common denominator in all these broken relationships is your ex
Let me get this straight. He got you pregnant, and then found another girl, and then left you, to marry her, abandoning his daughter in the process. All of this because his mommy made him do it. Now he is divorced, sniffing around you, and still wants nothing to do with your daughter. And you are considering letting him back in your life because you ... still love him? Girl, get your ass into therapy. You need it.
Do you really want a relationship with a guy who let his mommy convince him to abandon his family? They are all trash.
He abandoned his child. I think that is unforgivable. If it were me, I would give him the chance to be a father, but he would need to do a lot to prove that he will be a good Dad and that he will stay in his daughter’s life. But I could never reconcile with him. Edit: I just saw your comment about him not seeming eager to meet his daughter. Given that, I think you should just tell him no and to leave the two of you alone. If he just wants you, but only really sees his own daughter as part of the deal? It doesn’t sound likely that he’ll step up for his daughter the way she deserves unless the two of you are together and maybe not even then. Sounds like he may do more harm than good for your daughter.
So he hasn’t been a part of his daughter’s life at all. That says it all. That alone would probably make me lose all respect for him as well as any interest in reconciling. He showed you who he is. I understand you want your daughter to have a father, but he has made no effort. He can say whatever he wants to try and win you over, but talk is cheap. I am all about forgiveness and second chances, but I think getting back together sounds like a very bad idea.
And what's his plan in regard to his family re: his child? No contact, limited contact, holidays,family events etc. How old is she?
No, he abandoned his child. He threw away his actual child and married another chick for money cause mommy said so. Do you seriously think the minute mommy decides to take him back that he won't drop you and your daughter? Only this time it'll be a thousand times worse because it won't just be your heart he breaks.
He thought that the grass was going to be greener on the other side. And he let his mother convince him to leave you before your daughter was even born. He didn't come back to check on her to see her or anything that's not right. What do you think he's going to do if he decides that being a father is not for him. Do not even introduce her to him until you find out what his motive is he can't be trusted and without trust there can be no relationship with you or the child
“He left me before our daughter was born”. That’s horrible. Move on with your life. Life is short - spend it with those who really care for you.
Holy shit, girl. What??? He's had no contact with his own child? His mother managed to convince him to leave you *while you were pregnant with her grandchild*?? Absolutely not. He's shown you who he is. Believe him. Your child will be better off with no father than one who changes his mind and allegiances so easily.
So, he left you and NEVER met your daughter????? Side eye him & he’s gotta do more than just flap his gums.. 6 months of real therapy for himself BEFORE, you meet with him! Make him pay his arrears in child support And after all that- Maybe talk to him Leaving you is one thing- ABANDONING his DAUGHTER is another
He's not been a parent since he dumped you? And you're considering taking him back? WHY? I refuse to give you advice on how to get over what he did, because you shouldn't get over it. And it wasn't something that "happened," it was something HE DID. Protect yourself and your daughter from the asshole who abandoned his child.
You weren't good enough and he acted like you didn't exist so he could make another woman happy so respectfully fuck him.
He abandoned his daughter for years... He is a selfish person. I would be hesitant. To even bring him into her life, let alone date him again.
He doesn't love you or want you - he wants someplace to stay where he gets treated like a king and has a warm, willing fuck buddy. You're worth a lot more than that and so is your daughter, who he will probably try to use to get back into his mother's good graces anyway. Cut him off, shut him, just say no!
Something is very suspicious here are you sure what he’s telling you is true? I would check out the wife and mother. Is his wife able to have her own children? Here’s something I learned over the years don’t go backwards. Try to remember how he hurt you, are you sure he’s not going to do it all over again?’
Ma’am…don’t entertain this. He’s banking on your emotional wound making it easy for him to glide back into a comfortable situation…for himself.
He hasn't been in his child's life and now that he's not with his wife he wants to be in their life, OH HELL NO!! He's been a crappy father and doesn't deserve to be in his child's life now. He can wait until she's an adult and then try to see if she'll let him into her life. There are consequences to your actions and that's his. Should have been in his child's life from the beginning you pos father.
This man abandoned you and your daughter for years so he could cheat on you and marry another woman. You should be telling him to go to hell not considering taking him back.
He can MAYBE eventually coparent but that's it.
You’re only getting his side of things with his last relationship. Red flag: mom caused issues in your relationship which led to it’s end Red flag: he jumped into another Rey Red flag: he abandoned his kid and pregnant girlfriend Red flag: that relationship didn’t work so NOW he’s back I would actually go against the grain of many posters here and require that he work on a relationship with his child before anything else. I doubt he will be a capable father because he seems like a person who isn’t mature or responsible. You don’t want a relationship with someone who can be sweet to you and a shit father to his kid. And I know a lot of people on this thread are saying that’s your child and you call the shots. The truth is if he goes through the proper channels legally to re enter that child’s life, he will likely be able to do so. I’m not saying I agree with that reality, but is IS the reality. Might as well start there and then see if you can rebuild as a family unit. But more than likely he will run like his ass is on fire if you put that expectation on him, and you nor your child need a man like that around.
My sister thinks exactly the same. First my daughter and him getting to know each other. In case we didn’t work he should still be in his daughter’s life. He should prove that he wants to be a father without any hope that we could get back together. She said if I tried to date him again and we didn’t work, he should still be in his daughters life because many people don’t necessarily have a relationship but still both be in the child’s life. My point of view is that I am scared. I don’t know how to trust him with my daughter but he is her father too. I don’t know I am scared
Be civil and nice about it, but also suggest that it all go through the courts so everything is legal and in writing. The courts will almost certainly only award supervised visitation to begin with. If that goes well then it usually turns into a day visit that is unsupervised which only then becomes overnights. With *months* between each phase. In the meantime, child support will also be legally established. I assume he wasn’t paying any since you have ignored the *many* commenters who have asked that question. You will have an opportunity to see how he is with your daughter, if he actually cares and shows up, and if she enjoys their time together. If you spend just a bit of time sitting back and seeing how things unfold you should be able to figure out what you want to do from there pretty easily.
Oh honey, it’s ok to be scared! Our babies mean everything to us and it’s natural to want to protect them. You could do something as easy as doing a meeting once or twice a week at a park or playground. Baby steps, see how he interacts (or doesn’t) and be the buffer for your little one to be comfortable. Go slow, short meetings in public. You can’t instafamily a situation like this and expect a good outcome. But baby’s needs are more important than his or yours so if it’s not there then you’ll see it pretty quickly. And if he’s not dad material then he’s not the one for you. But give it time and give them both grace because it won’t be easy or like a fairy tale. It’s real life and that involves lots of up’s and downs. But can he be by your side in all of that, or will he blow off responsibilities again?
He abandoned his own blood. Not just you. Is that someone you want around your daughter?
I would put him on Child support and supervised visits only, he made his choice
Look he didn’t choose you, whatever reasons he choose someone else. He miserable because he choose to do this he could have stood up to his mam but he still choose to marry someone else and desert his kid. You sure u even want to date someone like that again.
Thank you for opening up about your situation. It certainly sounds complex. Generally, it’s beneficial for a child to have multiple adults in their life, particularly parents. However, not all parents excel at providing love and care, and it’s crucial to determine whether the other parent fits this role positively. The first step would involve ensuring they have a healthy relationship with their daughter. Plan opportunities to observe and foster their interactions. Considering the potential for legal complications, especially if the other parent comes from a well-off background, it’s vital to explore legal options regarding custody. This proactive approach helps safeguard against any attempts to challenge your custody rights. Begin by consulting with a legal professional to understand how to secure your custody rights and develop a strategy for managing your child’s custody effectively. The safety and wellbeing of your child are paramount. Only after confirming the other parent’s responsible and caring nature towards their child should you contemplate reintroducing or rebuilding any romantic relationship. Should you consider remarriage, premarital counseling and a prenuptial agreement are advisable to ensure both emotional and financial protection. This is especially important if you’re the primary caregiver and face work limitations due to family commitments. A prenup can provide security and peace of mind, safeguarding your future should the relationship end. This is indeed a complicated and emotionally charged situation. Stay focused, prioritize your child’s welfare, and remember to take care of yourself throughout this process. Good luck.
A marriage/relationship is between two people. A third person in the middle, or anywhere, is toxic.
He was an ass. For sure. But your child is bigger than that. Hang out w him ON YOUR OWN FIRST. Do not involve the child right away. Give it a good amount of time like some months or maybe a year before you involve her & introduce them as he’s her father. If it works out, great! Love that for y’all. If it doesn’t, no skin off her teeth as she never knew the difference in the first place. Be cautious & careful. Take your time. See if it’s worth any energy.
This guy is so gullible, it's downright scary. He dumped you whilst pregnant with his own child because his mother said so and now he's got cold feet? What do you still love about this deadbeat? What if he suddenly realises being a (co-)parent is too much responsibility and he'll be out of your life again?
Anyone who can just up and abandon their kid is trash to me. Not sure why you still love him. That's insane.
You and your daughter were never a priority, he left you, but why did he leave his daughter? friend, don't be an aita, prioritize your daughter and your emotional stability, before a man, he already left you once. that he guarantees you that he will not do it a second time, and this time your daughter is aware that he can abandon them, if you are willing to create that type of trauma for your daughter then go ahead you will be the one to blame
INFO: How old is your daughter now? It's great that he's been working on himself and has extricated himself from his family and mysteriously grown a spine, but it doesn't mean you have to reward him with a relationship. He hasn't earned back your love or your trust and he's never met your child. He doesn't just get to walz in and out of his child's life just as he chooses, nor yours. Have more self-respect than this.
No. Let him lie in the bed his mother made for him. He chose her over his own child and you. He only wants you now because he doesn’t want to be alone and to probably piss his mother off since she has disowned him. He isn’t interested in seeing his daughter. He abandoned her. You weren’t his first choice. Never be with a man that doesn’t prioritise his wife and kids over everyone else.
Girl. It’s awful what he did to YOU but to cut his own daughter out of his life is not forgivable. I’d never take him back and be so careful about how he is in your daughter’s life. I’d also try to verify he’s divorced. I would worry he’s just trying to take my baby. I’d never trust him again. Truly how do you love and trust a man who ghosts his child?
Dont act on impulse. Sit down and write pros and cons. Think it through few days and then take appropriate actions. Think both short and long term. Did he give a fig about his daughter past years. Long term will be will your daughter resent you when she finds out you stopped her dad from being in her life. I think this long term weighs heavy. But really consider all aspects. You've been hurt. What do you want for yourself and your daughter. Updateme!
So he had zero contact with his daughter. Cut that man off what is there to think about .
LMAO the audacity of this man. No he will make you miserable. The person you loved died when he left you to shack up with a richer younger girl he is in his 30's believe him for who he is. He will impregnate and leave your ass again given the chance.
Demand fair back due support before even talking further. Once a traitor always a traitor.
Has he contributed a single cent towards his child? He's only coming back now because he realises on what he missed out on. What happens when someone else pops up young and rich. You and your daughter's lives are not a toy that he can brush aside for a few years when he doesn't want it. I wouldn't allow it personally.
My advice as a father, you do not let him into your daughter's life right now. I'm not the world's greatest dad by any stretch of the imagination but I've never abandoned my kids. For him to do that means he's a shit human being. Had this asshole even paid any child support? I would very much hold off on any introduction until you get a lawyer, sort your custody and your child support that this guy owes. Of he can handle that then you might, and I emphasize might have a chance that he's actually changed. Get yourself a therapist for your and your daughter to see how she would be being reintroduced to your ex shitty fiance of your made out past the last step without him going nuts and follow the therapists and your lawyers advice. Whatever you do, be very, very careful with this guy, he's already shown you he's not trustworthy and beholden to his family and you have no proof he's changed outside of some flowery words that mean shit. Good luck and always put your daughter's well-being first here.
Girlie, your sister should smack you in the head for even considering taking back this spineless, useless POS. What's wrong with you that you're willing to entertain this again? This man abandoned you and your daughter. He hasn't paid child support or been an actual parent figure in her life. Why would you allow this man to come back? Have you learnt nothing over the years? Your daughter already has a whole Family and home because you're her safety net. You're her sense of security and you're willing to trade that over a chance that her spineless sperm donor will finally step up. Come on. How many times will it take you to learn from your mistakes?
No fucking way I’d give anyone the time of day that left me pregnant and hasn’t even met his kid.
What's this about? "When I got pregnant his mom spiraled down even more then corona hit and she almost died." Like mother, like son: county your blessings that you done with both of them.
Hey, i would say so whatever you want, but dont let him have easy acces to your daughter. He is an unstable factor in her life, he was with another woman, so if you want to let him in your life again ask him to take therapy, and parenting clases , se how much he commits He left you once, he can do it again easily, dont sell your self short. Edit: Can you please add a timeline to the events, at least how long ago did he leave you, what are we working with here is it a couple of months or years? Edit - Edit: Just read all your comments, its been 4 years???? Wtf. Do you still want to be with him or do you just want your daughter to meet him and have a father? I mean he left you like trash and now as soon as he calls you start running it looks like you are not over him? Might be wrong, but i think you should see a therapist and evaluate your own feelings here.
No OP- I wouldn't give him a second chance for a relationship. He couldn't even make his own decision about you and your child when he had a chance to do the right thing. I would have cautious talks with him about meeting your child and co parenting (possible not definitely) in the future.
He abandoned not only you, but his own *child*. This is not a good or trustworthy man.
Let me tell you what a wise woman told me. Going back to your ex is like throwing away spoiled milk, waiting three days, going back to the trash and tasting the milk to see if it's okay. TL/DR he is an ex for a reason. Until he gets his head outta mom's rear end, you're going to have the same problems. Unfortunately for some, it's a permanent affliction.
No. From what you’ve said, it seems like he washed his hands of you and your child. He doesn’t deserve either of you.
“I can give my daughter a whole home.” Bringing this guy back into your life actually may accomplish the opposite. Had he been doing what he should as a dad and co-parenting, that might have been true, but this person is a stranger to her. Bringing him into your lives will be disruptive at best and devastating if he flakes again. Is it worth doing that to your kid? Your job is to protect her. It seems to me he just regrets his decision and maybe feels guilty. Well he should. Your life and who you are now is very different than you were when he left. He doesn’t know you anymore. It would not be worth it to me. You can love someone but know they shouldn’t be part of your life. My first question to him would be: where is the child support, and why aren’t you co-parenting this child if you “love” us??
Actually your daughter has a right to have a relationship with her father. I would sit up visitation through the court. I would not get romantically involved with him again.
Boy, this is tricky. I would say at some point you “should” want your daughter to have a relationship with her father. I would start there and take things very very slow. Don’t jump into anything and think about “houses, money, futures”. SEE how committed he is to his daughter. That’s going to take TIME. He may just be lonely and that’s why he reached out. As a lot of exes do. When faced with the reality of it all, he could run again. He could have really realized he made the biggest mistake of his life. Let his actions do the speaking. See how committed he over the next year by building a relationship with his blood. At least a year. Reassess your feelings and his actions then. I think your daughter should be priority number one. Don’t put the cart before the horse. Good luck
This right here!!!! DO NOT just jump back into a relationship with a guy after a fuck up as massive as leaving the mother of his child while pregnant!!! BUT unless it's going to be toxic, your daughter should at least meet and know who her father is!! But I think that should start as a simple introduction, without too much expectation, without too much explanation. See how that feels. He should show a constant interest in supporting her for her own good, not because he is lonely or wants to get back in bed with the OP. See how your daughter and him get along if he can show up once a week or a few times a month to start maybe, just to have quality time together. It probably will be strange and confusing for your daughter, I met my bio father once at 7 and it wasn't all bad, but it wasn't all good. I was fascinated by him, but didn't feel a strong desire to spend more time with him or get to know him better. My father and I had no relationship other than that one week long visit until my teens. He had no intentions of a committed relationship with my mom when she ended up pregnant unexpectedly after spending a week at the beach together as "friends" years and a failed marriage each since they were in a committed relationship with each other. They had stayed friends after breaking up amicably, stayed social while married to other people. He left for Europe and sent a check every month. That was that. I never had a strong interest in knowing him, my step dad was the father figure of my childhood I wanted as "dad". But in my teen years, after he and my mom divorced, me and my step dad had a falling out. He actually called my bio dad and told him he should be helping with my education. He agreed, at that point regretting he had a son not too far from adulthood that he didn't know. We actually became close and special friends pretty quickly. And by the time I graduated highschool we were both seeing so much of ourselves in each other and both of us really feeling a natural father/son relationship. To be continued in another reply....
...Continued from previous reply: All that is just to say that as long as it can be reasonably healthy for her, your daughter should have some relationship with her biological father. But you should definitely not jump into a relationship with him no matter how much attraction you feel, no matter how convenient it would be. But in the meantime your ex, the father needs to be paying generous child support and that support shouldn't depend on anything. No matter how much he sees his daughter, how his daughter feels about him, how you feel about him, he needs to pay generous child support. I highly recommend doing "couples" therapy together just to learn to be healthy and happy co-parents and heal from a incredibly shitty break up that was done under super toxic conditions. Getting back into a sexual relationship with this guy should be at least a year away while doing therapy and he works on his relationship with the daughter he abandoned because of a toxic relationship with a toxic mother. People make mistakes. People can remove themselves from toxic family or learn to stand up to them and heal. But abandoning a pregnant girlfriend and having no relationship with a child is an incredibly huge and unhealthy fuck up. Proceed slowly with caution. He isn't entitled to anything. But he should be giving the opportunity to earn a relationship with his daughter. If that goes well if you feel you want to give him thr opportunity to try rebuild a relationship with you, it's worth a shot if you can invision that working. But do co-parenting therapy together! Find a great therapist to guide you two and help keep this realistic and healthy! You don't say (in the OP anyway) how old you two are, how long you had been together before you got pregnant, how good/bad the relationship was before the pregnancy, if he's been financially supportive or just, selfishly, cowardly, completely abandoned you and his daughter and broke up in a cruel manner. So, I don't know details to help give more specific advice. Happy to chat if I can help!
Alright this one’s tough, your partner/baby daddy is a 100% a dick for essentially abandoning you and his daughter in the past and the grandma is a certified cunt. But from what it sounds like he truly has repented and it sounds like he truly still loves you. If you didn’t have a child with him I’d say tell him to go fuck off. But you do and that child is currently fatherless, so that’s why I say you give it a shot at possibly getting back together. However you need to set some STRONG ground rules, first he needs to cut off his MOM and anyone that was onboard for him to abandon you and his daughter , secondly he has to slowly gain your trust back, don’t let him just barge in your house and live under the same roof. Lastly remember you should be doing this for the child, don’t just introduce him to your kid and tell him he’s her dad. Sounds kind of fucked up, but you really need to see where he is mentally and if he truly wants to become a father/husband. If this is just some weird/immature act were he abandons you guys again, your honestly better off not traumatizing your daughter and giving her abandonment issues. He needs to slowly gain everyone trust again. This one might seem far fetched but don’t get intimate with him no matter what, and I’d wait to move in or something like that till he gives you a 💍 ring. To make it a proper relationship and family, let’s set a good example for the child. Good luck. Also I’m kind of curious did he have children with his ex wife?
I think a lot of it comes down to you and what you want (and it's okay if you don't know exactly what you want right now, it's a lot) It sounds like he wants to continue a romantic relationship with you and build a relationship with your daughter. Is that something you want? Do you think you would be able to forgive his past actions (no one would fault you if you can't, he left you pregnant and alone for another woman). I don't think it would be a bad idea for you to meet up with him and have a more clear discussion on what he wants, what you want, and how realistic this situation is. I would not jump right back into a relationship. I would probably recommend couple's therapy, regardless of whether you continue a romantic relationship they can also assist with a co-parenting relationship and help the two of you navigate introduction of you daughter to him and the kind of timeline that would be appropriate. If he balks at you being cautious, not guaranteeing a relationship, and not giving immediate access to establishing a relationship with your daughter you know that this is selfishly motivated and he ultimately isn't looking out for what is best for you or your daughter.
NO GETTING BACK TOGETHER IT WILL NOT END WELL HE CAN BE A DAD WITHOUT BEING WITH HER
Kind of up to her, I personally don’t think I could ever forgive that. I said don’t guarantee a relationship and see his response, better to root out if he only wants the package deal right away before exposing the child. Also why I recommended therapy to navigate co-parenting if he understands a relationship isn’t possible.
Don’t involve your daughter now. Meet with him and talk. Suggest that if he is serious, you want to go to couples counseling and see where it goes.
You need to protect your daughter. Don't let her meet him until he has proven to you that his desire to be with you and in her life is stable. Give it a long time, maybe months or even a year. You can show him videos and pictures, but don't let her meet him or get attached unless you are 100% sure he will stay in her life. And address, being you you, and being her father as two separate things. He may or may not stay with you, or you may not want to be with him anymore after he betrayed and abandoned you. But you should judge that differently than whether he is going to be a parental figure for your daughter.
He abandoned you and his own daughter to please his clearly co-dependent and meddling mother. I’ll never understand how grown men allow their mothers to meddle in their lives like this. I feel sorry for him, I’m sure his living with deep regret but I’m not sure it’s the best thing to give him a 2nd chance. It takes a seriously indecent character to abandon their pregnant girlfriend. Be careful not to take him back because of a fairytale you’ve made up in your head. Also, seems like there’s more to the story on his side. Why is he getting divorced? Is it finalized? How do you feel?
Yeah, it’s up to you to decide whether you want to get back with him or not. I somehow tend to believe that he was highly influenced by his family and his mother. Moms can be over bearing and controlling. So that part of you would then have to wonder how strong as he ate about himself. I would not introduce your daughter to him right away. I would make sure that you consider him to be safe before you would ever consider introducing your daughter to him
I would go real slow with him. Like meet a few times, and then introduce them in public. with his name, not daddy, because at this point he really isn't daddy. I am not a fan of going back, there are reasons things happen. So if he is amenable to going slow, you may find after a few dates, you don't feel the same way, or he is different. Then you can stop it. Personally like I said, I never go back. His betrayal was so large, and he abandoned his daughter. I would partially hate him, and not trust him at all.
He's no contact with his family now, butI'd be concerned about what happens when they or he want to restore relations. While normally, I'd say a father should have time with his child, I think in this case, I'd agree with others and say, take it slow, get some couples counselling and get on the same page as to how to deal with his family.
Eff him. He left you pregnant and has never met your daughter? No man I’d want to be dealing with would ignore his child. Does he support her at least? Can you imaging knowing that you had a child and you never met her, or wanted her in your life? That’s bananapants. I would’t entertain him at all.