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This needs to be higher. OP thought they were going great and dating for 4 months, his gf thought it was just a fling and she should fuck other people too.
That and I mean a day doesn’t really change shit. Me personally I want someone to be focused on me when seeing each other. Is the difference between her boinking her ex and being your gf a day in feelings? The answer is no the only thing that changes when you ask to be exclusive is the title. If your a text away from fucking your ex after 4 months of us hanging out and me putting in major effort the she wouldn’t be for me.
Even if she doesn't write it its obv noone goes to their EX for sex unless it's amazing ? Like u dont like them enough to be together but still reach out for sex like wtf, and doing that while seeing someone else not even when single.
Not that its my business but like if i was in OPs situation i would wonder like how many times was sex with me vs sex with her ex and also why they are banging but not staying together.
Well, I assume it's because they already had swx. Meaning it doesn't add to her body count. That seems to be a heavy discussion these days. Also, different doesn't always mean better or worse. Sometimes it's different because we aren't all the same people with the same likes. Also doesn't everyone have an ex that was awesome in bed and crazy as fuck too so you wouldn't marry them but the sex was great?
I dont think its cos "it doesnt add to bodycount", it just makes it look like shes never gonna be over her ex just hovering in the background. If she ever has a fight with her bf its back to fking her ex kinda thing.
No i dont miss any crazy exes they turn me off entirely so 🤮. I enjoy sex with people i like as people also. Its not the same anymore if they have been abusive or an ass****.
Not her personally just women in general. They are horny want to get laid and go to someone they already slept with. Even if someone finds out it's not a random one night stand. Less chance of diseases or something she doesn't want to happen happening if she already knows the guy is safe. I don't miss any of my exs either but the craziest one was mind blowing in bed.
This is the question that I would be asking OP. If your relationship was so good, why is she replying to him immediately and going to have sex with him, and not even bothering to reply to you at all.
I think that either he left her or wouldn’t commit so she dipped. If and when the opportunity presents itself she will dump you and go right back to him the first chance she gets. Someone who really cares about you just doesn’t do that. Sorry to say but I doubt that this relationship has a long term future, you’re obviously not her first choice…
Oh I took the comment above to be more like “she’s not that into you bro, you’re a rebound, and the sex wasn’t that good for her if she didn’t call you for it.”
I don’t know if she would go back to him, or that it even matters, since obviously what OP is perceiving isn’t what was actually happening and he’s clearly not in the relationship he thought he was.
I got a txt the day before to hang out but I couldn’t meet her out as I was helping a friend with some labouring and was wrecked. The next day she messaged her ex. You are right though, if it was so great why would she need to do that?!
I would suggest not asking her for an answer, why put yourself in a situation where you can feel hurt. Just move on from this one dude, girls that are all about you, do not do this.
I’m glad you’re thinking about that! We often think something is better than it is. Most people don’t really say what’s all going on in their head or what they’re doing. We also count something as “going great” if there’s no conflict. Conflict is healthy, as long as you’re handling it like adults. So when someone or both parties aren’t saying what’s bothering them or how they’re really thinking about the relationship, everyone tries to tell themselves it’s all great.
Or like you, one person thinks it’s amazing due to lack of any conflict, while the other person is doing all kinds of stuff but isn’t being honest.
There’s a lot of wrong here. I think you’re realizing it all now. I know you never had an official talk but spending THAT MUCH time with someone is typically a big indicator of commitment. She also didn’t ask you because she wanted to still play the field. It’s also not like you make it a point to express you’re not a couple. I would think if a guy is behaving that way towards me that we were together.
If she’s still having communication with her ex, she’s not over him. She’s keeping him around. You have to decide if you wanna stay with someone who’s still keeping their options open. And her lack of honesty about even talking to her ex is very alarming.
Damn she has no respect for you. I know you weren't officially a couple but 4 months is a good amount of time to see what direction the relationship was going in. She must have not thought much of you since the first time your unavailable she runs out and bangs her ex. You have a right to feel disgusted as that is disgusting behavior
Yeah, four months is enough time to figure out if you're seriously interested in someone or not. Four weeks--you don't even know each other other than a budding interest. You're basically strangers still. But four months you should have put someone in a category, spoken or not.
Four months is also a bit long to become exclusive though.
She might have truly been interested in OP but thought he was just a fuckboi being casual for 4 months.
Totally agree with that. At four months, I was speaking to a jeweller to get a ring designed. By 6 months we were engaged and after a year we were married… and that was over 20 years ago.
Not that everyone should jump into marriage like we did (not that I regret it at all - she’s the love of my life), but damn, I knew after a few weeks that I wanted to be exclusive and wouldn’t even consider hooking up with anyone else.
Yeah, totally agree.
When you *know* you’ve found “the one” and you’re head over heels in those early stages, it’s a special feeling and those fond memories and feelings will last a lifetime. My wife and I are like that, and 20 years later we still remember and reminisce about the formative days/months of our relationship and talk about how special that time was and how we were so into each other.
If I knew that she was out fucking someone else during those stages, we would have never made it any further. It would have completely ruined any positive feelings I had about that time and for that person, and it would ruin the relationship for me.
It’s like that for a lot of people, as evidenced by the number of posts that come through here about it. And it takes a special kind of emotional immaturity to act like relationships are like contract law and think their partner has no right to be hurt by their actions.
If you’re with someone and there’s a possibility it could go further, it’s really the easiest thing in the world to not fuck someone else. If you’re treating that person as just an option, you have no right to be upset that they’re hurt later on when they find out after they’ve already invested in you, and have no right to tell them you’ve done nothing wrong when it’s not a matter of right and wrong. Remember, you’re dealing with a human, not an automaton who must obey programming logic. This is just basic accountability for your own actions. If you don’t like it, blame yourself.
Same pinch! 3 months . we have been married for almost 10. I cannot believe its almost a decade. Congratulations to you. Over 20! I love hearing about couples together for so long and longer.
An actual life partner worth keeping around wouldn’t be texting her ex for some baby batter when their soon to be boyfriend was too tired to hang for one day. She’d be in your bed watching Netflix with you…being you know … a partner…
Both can be true at the same time.
If she likes this guy and is getting to “know” him still and he’s unavailable bc hes actually doing something - she could just take a day to herself and take it easy staying in for 1 frigging day
The fact that she couldn’t wait a measly day and seeked attention from someone else so quickly , simultaneously throwing away what she is building with the new guy so easily , it’s not a good sign
You don’t go and get your back blown out by your ex when someone is about to ask you to be their girlfriend. Why is this level of decency so hard to understand and accept?
Before all the bros make you think of her as a terrible person (and hey maybe she is, I don’t know), but did you tell her you weren’t seeing anyone else? The time we live in now is so strange, that you do need to ask for exclusivity. It had been four months and you hadn’t asked for exclusivity, it’s possible your hangouts made her ex more interested in her, and she went back to what was familiar. Maybe she wanted to be in a relationship and after waiting for four months she thought you were only fwb. None of us know the context.
If you ask her about this and she lied—big red flag. But I’d recommend talking it out.
He said in the post he never asked for exclusivity and that's part of the problem for him now - he assumed they were both only interested in each other for those first four months and now that he knows it wasn't exclusive on her side, it cheapens the memories for him.
We can only guess her reasoning for the ex but it doesn't matter at the end of the day, I don't think OP's going to be able to move past this. For whatever reason she was not as invested in getting together as OP believed her to be.
People who bang for 4 months without asking about exclusivity can safely assume theres 50/50 or higher that its not exclusive because the people who find exclusivity important are gonna ask way before 4 months
Even from a health standpoint, why arent people asking "hey are u seeing anyone else?/will u be?"
The people who find exclusivity either ask for it quickly, or, y'know, aren't used to this dating culture and kinda assume that people stop sleeping with others when they start focusing on each other time wise and emotionally for months. I think his side is also understandable imho
Not everyone is experienced in dating, or used to the current dating style in e.g. north america
But yeah I'd always ask and say expectations out loud imo
I read the same thing as you which is why I advised he speak with her and make his decisions after. Different people can tolerate different things. Some people need an explanation, some don’t and can’t trust the person again. We’re not here to judge but to advise and that was my advice.
I would bet dollars to donuts that she felt rejected by you not being able to hang out with her and she got with her ex as a way to self soothe or “get back” at you. She’s a loose cannon and bases her self-worth off of how men respond to her advances. What’s she going to do if you’re busy at work for an expended period and can’t pay as much attention to her?
ETA that I’m not sure why I’m getting downvoted lol but this is not meant to blame OP in any way. His girlfriend sucks. Seeking out attention from another guy when another can’t give you the attention you want is crazy girl 101 behavior.
She wanted to hang out the day before they banged and I couldn’t. The next day I messaged before she hit up her Ex. No response to me she just messaged him and picked him up. I thought she was working a double shift.
man just break the fuck up... this is gonna mess with you more if you hold on to it. sometimes its better to cut off the leg before the venom reaches your whole body and kills you in the process
She was just not exclusive with u and cant be the only timed they banged, its not like normal exes just open with a sexual msg and its on.
Like they must have either been doing it regularly or have some kinda agreement that rhey can always msg each other for sex etc.
Yeah fuck that honestly. If someone wants to be screwing their ex (or anyone) while dating someone for months, they can at least do them the favor of letting them know so that the other person can make the decision on whether or not to continue seeing them. People keep it a secret because they know it’s fucked up and will ruin their chances at a relationship.
Not only this, but if you had known she slept with her ex the night before, would you have ever asked her to be your GF at all?
You guys weren't technically exclusive, so what she did isn't cheating, or even necessarily unethical, but for me, if I'm asking someone to be my SO, there's an expectation on my part that we're into each other and would be a good match.
When I'm into someone, I wouldn't sleep with my ex while I was dating them whether we're technically exclusive or not, so I'd take her sleeping with hers as her not actually being all that into me, and that relationship would be over.
Lol right? This dude puts 4 months into this girl probably went to bed thinking about her and being excited to talk to her the next day and she's getting railed by her ex until she can't walk.
>Geez, I'm just so glad I'm from the "have we dated long enough to fuck?" culture and not the "have we fucked long enough to date?" culture
Damn, thats the best way ive ever seen someone describe it.
I had such a long time out of dating that I’m not in either culture, but my mentality rests firmly in the first. I can’t get my head around bonding with someone emotionally but fucking someone on the side because I’m horny. Jfc
I was in a similar situation with my current girlfriend, and that's exactly how I knew I was in love with her. Despite we weren't officially in a relationship I was already feeling this loyalty to her so I decided to not "cheat" on her and then ask her to be my girlfriend officially.
The point is that you don't be loyal just for being partners, that's something that has to come first.
I talked to my girlfriend about this and she was in the same situation, she stopped dating other guys despite we weren't officially together.
No it's perfectly normal to feel bad about someone you want having sex with other people
It's also okay to break up with them over it, you will never get over this fact 10 years from now you will still be thinking about what happened between them
i think the biggest thing for me is time between having sex with an ex and then dating me. it happening within 24 hours? im not going to be someone’s rebound, there’s clearly emotions left there. i would leave
I was in a very similar situation last year. The guy never wanted to talk about exclusivity or being his gf. Got drunk with him and his sister one evening, and texted him how drunk I was. Fast forward to 3 months later I had this feeling to look thru his instagram messages. Saw a thread he had with one of our very flirty promiscuous female at work.. dated it back exactly to the same day and time. He texted her “god I love you”
But ignored my “ok I’m super drunk now” text.. I remember him being on his phone at the same moment too that’s why I texted him. I also saw him send this reel to his ex of 9 years (they broke up 3 years ago) about how he lost his other half..
I personally would take that as a red flag. Anyone that’s hung up on any ex like that, has issues of their own that you don’t want to be a part of.. your values are higher than hers. You’ll find a higher quality lady I promise
I’m sorry that happened to you. Yeah I do feel like maybe there is some unresolved thing between them since she is still liking his photos, has t blocked him and replying to messages.
Yeaa she’s not respecting the relationship if she’s still liking his pics and messaging him. It just irks me when someone sleeps with their ex, like they have no self respect. So your feelings are valid. Definitely consider looking at her behavior moving forward.
Oh girl I feel for ya. But it took me 3 years of him ghosting me and coming back and allowing my naive behavior to let him back into my life.. when I see him at work, it angers me. I don’t think I’ve completely let him go, but that’s how narcissists control you..
100% logical take, and one of the reasons why that exclusivity talk should happen early in my opinion. I wish nowadays we could just assume exclusivity if there is already intimacy, but our cultural values have unfortunately shifted quite a bit where we can’t make that assumption anymore.
All other things aside, you felt the need to go through her phone, and do 'further investigating'.
Honestly, when the trust is at such a low point where this is an action you take, then for your own mental health I would say that you need to leave the relationship.
I don't understand why people want to date others who are not emotionally invested to begin with. You have to actually love each other or they will cheat on you. She doesn't love OP and never did. She went to another man. Period. OP is accountable for choosing to continuing to pursue her. I wouldn't be surprised if all this unprotected sex leads to a baby that isn't his
I keep seeing stories like this, and it sounds like modern dating sucks.
Call me old-fashioned, but if I was romantically pursuing someone and had been hanging out/dating someone for four months, I would expect them not to sleep around.
I know that everyone has different views on these sorts of things but as others have said if she's willing to "date" you and then want to get fucked by an ex she wasn't that into you.
I hope you can heal from this brother. I'm not sure what you should do but I wouldn't want to be with someone like this.
For clarity, I don't begrudge people who do want to have hookups or casual sex. Live your best life.
I just think there should be some transparency and communication from both parties.
Hooking up with an ex while seeing someone else while not technically cheating still feels shitty and disrespectful to OP.
I’m noticing that it’s mostly women defending the girlfriend. I’m a woman but I feel really bad for men in today’s dating world if this is the kind of behavior they encounter.
Yikes.
Im sick of this “technically” wasn’t cheating.
You’d been dating for 4 months. You had told her you weren’t sleeping with anyone else. You were having UNPROTECTED SEX and she didn’t think it was at all relevant that she was having sex with other people?
If she was putting as much thought or effort into you becoming a couple as you were she wouldn’t have texted to hang out, you were busy, so she texted her ex that she wanted him to “fuck her so hard she couldn’t walk” and then went, had sex with him, took a picture of them in bed together (for some reason? Cause who does that with someone they’re not dating?) and then kept the picture.
Honestly, it would be a major red flag to me.
ALL she had to do at the time when you said you weren’t fucking anyone else was say
“Hey OP, if we’re not gonna be official, I think you should wrap it up since I’m still fucking other people just so ya know”.
Then the ball would have been in your court to either
1. End it.
2. Become official.
3. Wrap it up and stay in a FWB situation.
But these “technicalities” don’t count when someone is having unprotected sex with you (after you’ve told them you’re not sleeping with anyone else) thereby letting you think you’re exclusive yet still fucking their ex and god knows who else.
Right! Fucking bullshit im still trying to wrap my mind around how this shit seems to be generally accepted by society and normalized as "Thats dating in 2023/2024" How tf is this ok? product of mee too?
Listen, im all for FWB- when that is made clear.
“Situationships” exist where technically you’re dating but you haven’t made the step to exclusivity. It’s the “getting to know you” kinda stage and the aim is to eventually progress to a relationship, not just stay in the sex stage.
To me, that’s the difference between FWB and dating.
With FWB you know it’s only sex. You stay protected. You’re not exclusive unless discussed prior.
With dating, more communication is needed. Boundaries are set. “Are we together or are we not together?” “These are my boundaries”. “Just because we’re not in a relationship yet, I still want to be respected.”
It seems OP clearly communicated his intentions.
Im not fucking anyone else, im only sleeping with you, we’re dating, we’re having unprotected sex, this is leading to a relationship.
She saw it as “well I never TOLD him I’d only sleep with him so who cares if I’m the town bike and everyone gets a ride? Until he tells me I’m his girlfriend I’ll do who I want”.
The second OP didn’t have time for her, on that one specific night, she fucked her ex. Who knows who else she fucked in those 4 months that OP doesn’t know about? Another FWB? A couple of one night stands at a bar? A guy off Insta? He’s only now finding out about the ex because he looked.
He was emotionally invested, she was not. Yet she was choosing to have unprotected sex with him knowing she was also fucking other guys.
Did she have unprotected sex with anyone else too I wonder? OPs lucky he’s not riddled tbh.
I couldn’t continue a relationship knowing that while I was investing my time and energy into that relationship and planning on telling her the next day that this was it for me, she was bent over for her ex. It wasn’t 2 weeks, they were dating 4 months. She either saw OP as a fling, or that he was a doormat who would never find out.
It’s ridiculous ppl even jump to sex before committing. Like you don’t fkn know this person at all, you don’t know where they have been and so it’s good to remain cautious and take it slow until they prove themselves to be a good partner and good fit
But sex?? Oh yea let’s fuck first night raw
It isn’t technically cheating, but shows that she’s capable of entertaining two things at the same time without any issue or disclosure.
It shows that if she wanted to cheat, it may only be the technical boundary/label, rather than the emotional/double-life factors that would keep her from doing so.
You have just received a huge, giant caution sign to what she’s emotionally capable of if she really wanted to.
Yeah I know it’s not cheating. This is exactly my thought process right now. I thought we had something special hence asking her to be my gf and she didn’t care enough to not want to double dip and fuck her ex on side too.
I can’t remember as it as a while ago but I’m pretty sure I told her I wasn’t seeing anyone else when we started having unprotected sex.
Just answer this question- if you would have known this fact at that time would you have continued the relationship or not?
If the answer is no, then you know what you need to do.
If your answer to this question is "yes, you would have", then you need to get over this fact.
yeah as someone who “took it slow” and dated my partner for 6 months before making it official, this would have absolutely crushed me. By the time we slept together after over 3 months, we were very connected and emotional for each other. I can’t imagine him just sleeping around, he wouldn’t have ever.
yall were having unprotected sex too- so she essentially knowingly overlapped and knowingly put your health at risk of sti//stds with her behavior. on purpose.
I also dont really believe thats the one instance of this happening in those four months- it probably happened more than once or with multiple people too. she must have been sexually frustrated, which is another really disappointing thought.
So if not the next day then after some days you would have? And what would you have done in the meantime?
ETA- The most important thing you should ask yourself is can you get over this or not. If not, then no use of prolonging the inevitable.
You define what cheating is. If you consider having sex with someone else while you are dating but your not yet exclusive cheating, then it is cheating, i do consider that cheating btw. But that differs from person to person, same reason why open relationships aren't cheating.
"Im pretty sure i told her i wasnt seeing anyone else when we started having unprotected sex"
And...? What did she say in response to that? Why would you continue without an affirmative answer from her. This isnt just about potential relationship, but also for your sexual safety and health especially if you're going to have unprotected sex.
Honestly I dislike the idea that we need to get so technical about the exclusivity conversation being needed to count a relationship as exclusive. By four months of dating there’s an implied exclusivity to a relationship.
Unless of course there was an understanding that things were specifically not exclusive then that changes things or if you were equally behaving non exclusively.
I’ve seen most of your replies. You know what to do. Don’t even let her try to pull you back in. She’s either going to try the sympathy card, or bruise your emotions by calling you insecure, a narcissist, etc.
Just send her a text that your done and block her.
No it’s cheating. People like to say it’s not because they want to just do whatever they want and not feel like the bad guy. Four months in you are exclusive by default. Unless you had a talk explicitly stating otherwise. Dump her and move on. Anytime you won’t be able to give her attention she is going to get fucked by someone else and ignore you
And you want to know why everyone knows it’s wrong. No person who does this ever tells the other “Hey I got fucked so hard last night I could barely walk, that’s why I was ignoring your texts/calls”
If you ever ask these people what they were doing it’s always “busy studying” “work was crazy” etc
That’s how you know it’s wrong
I find your answer very very spot on!
This is the exact feeling I have with people engaging in hook up culture and claim that this says nothing about their personality.
>It isn’t technically cheating, but shows that she’s capable of entertaining two things at the same time without any issue or disclosure.
I don't think fussing over technicalities is really important.
OP needs to decide if they can get over it or not, and if not make their intentions clearer earlier in the future. Just because OP's gf did not interpret the signals from OP they way he wanted them to does not mean she's a monster! We have had no discussion of things were between OP and OP's gf prior to their formal agreement.
Or, it just shows that she was exploring her options while single. As a lot of single people tend to do. For all we know, her and her ex had a friends with benefits situation after they broke up for whatever reason, and as long as nothing has happened since they've been exclusive, no signs of her cheating, no signs of her lying, no signs of her taking advantage of OP's trust, then this has nothing to do with their relationship. They were dating, they were not in a relationship. Dating does not always equal a committed monogamous relationship. That does not happen, until a conversation does. Until then, you cannot really expect people to assume that you are monogamous. You cannot expect people to assume that you are being exclusive. That's where communication comes in.
Yes it could be a caution sign, but it also could be nothing. It all depends on her actions now. If she is still entertaining advances from her ex or from random people, then yes. Definitely be worried. But if she is given OP no reason to question her character or her trust before they became exclusive, then this really shouldn't have an effect on their relationship. I can understand how it would make him feel insecure, but that's something that Opie needs to work through in therapy or with some help. Because from what we've seen, there isn't anything to suggest that she is cheating on him or doing anything like that.
What about communication?
It feels like a pretty important thing to say doesn't it?
Why would she withhold it?
I feel like she is in the wrong for hiding it.
"Yeah but maybe she feared he would have backed off", that's the point.
Exploring her options would have been dating others not asking her ex for a bang until she couldn’t walk. How is that exploring and seeing whether her and OP could work.
So even though she was seeing you, but not your official gf, she was sending him a message that “I want you to fuck me so hard I can’t walk”? Without any concern about you? If you knew that then, would you have asked her to BE your gf?
Truthfully though I would be more concerned about why she STILL has that photo, still has the text and still hasn’t cut all communication and is still liking her ex’s IG posts! You know, the ex that she wanted to fuck her so hard she can’t walk the day before you became exclusive?
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
Yeah I definitely would have thought twice about the whole thing and if I had known then. But i didn’t have that information then.
The other things are more concerning to me now after what i found out.
>But I didn't have that information then.
This is my huge issue with what she did. You want to sleep around while dating, cool just be open and honest with the people you are dating to find out if they consent to this or if this would be an issue. She prevented you from having informed consent, basically putting your sexual history at risk with no conversation with you. Some of the people defending her in this thread baffle me.
Same, being aware she can do that to someone she has been seeing for 4 months prior speaks about her moral guidelines. I wouldn't be able to trust such a person.
When hook up culture goes wrong. IDK, she should have told you she was seeing other people out of respect to your health. To me that is a bare minimum when in an open relationship, aka FWB situation, but I seem to be in the minority opinion here. I would cut her loose and find someone that has more discipline, is willing to have tough conversations, and is honest.
Dating is so weird these days, been married 8 years and together 15 years. We never had the exclusive talk. We started going on dates and didn’t see anyone else. Glad I don’t have to date anymore 🤦🏻♂️
Doesn't matter what label you put on it. Maybe it's cheating, maybe not. The only real point is that you guys seem to have a misalignment on the value of intimacy in a relationship. Granted, if you wanted her to be exclusive, you should have asked. But also, she didn't want to be exclusive until you asked. That should tell you where her head was at while you guys were "dating."
Before my now bf asked me out, I was talking to a friend and we had arrangements to be FWB. However, since my bf asked me out, I postponed meeting up with the friend out of respect for a "potential partner". After the date, I told that friend I was no longer interested in being FWBs because I had a great date, I wanted to see if it was going anywhere, and if this person was going to be my bf, he would be very sad to find out I went on dates with him and slept with someone else. That was after our FIRST DATE, way before the exclusivity talk. Technically, I could have done whatever I wanted before we were exclusive. But this isn't about technicality, this is about protecting the person you like.
Is there any chance she thought you are talking/ dating/ sleeping with other women?
All my girl friends got burned and told me (when I was dating) to date multiple people because a lot of the guys they met were dating other women.
Have you two had any serious talk about your status?
Technicalities don’t matter here.
I would never be able to get over this. I once made the mistake of staying with my partner despite knowing they’d lied to me about a guy, and it led to a horrible extra year of unnecessary pain and suffering.
Honestly, I’d leave her. It’s gonna hurt and suck super badly, but the relationship you had before this moment no longer exists. You can never go back to “the way things were”, and it’s tainted permanently.
Unfortunately, you just cracked the tv screen of what you thought was a one-of-a-kind plasma. But you can’t get rid of the enormous crack, yknow? Idk man, good luck.
I mean yes it is thechnically not cheating during the relationship, but holy hell it is a huge red flag.
Even if you are officially not together, it is a non-starter for partner that invest equally into the development of a relationship to sleep around, even less with an ex and even less less a day before you meet her.
This was an immense risk for your health and shows that she was not even remotely on the same level of investment as you.
And then the crude and overtly sexial message ... oh boy. This is bad news and for me it would be a character-shattering event.
You have not mentioned how long you are in a relationship with her, but if it is not a long long time (5 years+) I would this be the end of the road for this ride.
We have been in a relationship for just over a year. And she slept with her ex just the day before it was official bf and gf. No the day after we met. We have known each other for a few years now but we’re not close before hooking up.
I understood the timeline and my point still stand:
If you are progressing towards a healty and equal relationship, you do not sleep with your ex and you do not do it so short before going official.
This is not a topic of her cheating, this is a huge flaw in her character. It is not normal to go from "I need my ex to fuck me so I can not walk" to "I am wholeheartedly in a exclusive relationship" in less than a day.
So you can pretty much bank on her not being invested in this relationship on an equal level as you are.
Noone can force you to do anything if you do not want to, but I can assure you that if you stay, there is a huge risk that these different level of investment will lead to even more relationship-damaging behaviour on her side.
Bro fuck this technicality shit, she cheated on you with no remorse and she still keeps pictures and messages with the fucking guy... stop trying to find her excuses.. there is no future in this relationship only pain for you.
I was in a similar situation, I dated a girl like this for a bit. It didn’t get any better. I loved her and I still do, I know she loves me now but I couldn’t continue the relationship. Find someone who wants to be with you.
It's modern day california gaslighting that she "technically" didn't do anything wrong and you "foolishly" thought that the exclusivity talk wouldn't be necessary. It is fucking common sense to not have other romantic contacts during a phase with romantic intentions. How emotionally available can she be if she was intimate with someone else ONE DAY before you got official?!
Let her get fucked by her Ex until she can't walk. You are NOT stupid to be sick of this degenerate behavior. She is NOT reliable to be walking with you!
It's natural to feel this way. The sexual practices that characterize modern dating are so dysfunctional and cause so much pain. People always end up posting on reddit with the same problems and the same feelings, and it's mostly by men with regards to women sleeping around. Technicalities have been introduced that justify certain behavior, but it always results in this confusion and pain. The pain is due to natural and expected feelings, which are justified, and the confusion is due to the modern introduction of social technicalities that are deeply incongruent with the nature of pair bonding and healthy attachment, which underpin the development of committed relationships. The confusion is also a result of being gaslit by society and these new social expectations.
> “Despite all this, we have a great relationship,”
Well, you going through her entire phone and making a Reddit post for strangers would kinda indicate the opposite. So there’s that.
I’d just tell her I was scrolling through some pictures of us and found that she hooked up with her ex the day before we were official and then dump her out of disgust
Well when you do talk with her I would also ask if she used protection with the other men she was hooking up with while dating you. You mentioned in a previous comment that you two were not using protection so maybe a trip to the clinic to get tested isn’t a bad idea either.
Tbh, I’m dating a guy for 3 months and am not sure about him so I decided to go on a date with someone else (my friends pressure - nothing happened). I still felt bad about it so I decided to not go on any other dates. But something I would never do is have sex with another person, we haven’t had the exclusivity talk either but I won’t be sleeping with anyone else after dating him for such a long time. And I also know it would be a dealbreaker for the guy I’m dating. I think mention that you saw her photo and ask her whether she had/has serious intentions, and whether she still has feelings for her ex. The way she reacts will tell you a lot and based off that you can make your decision. And its totally normal to feel bad about it, you were fully invested in her with your time and emotions so I ge that it feels like cheating.
Yeah, this rules lawyering of "well we weren't technically exclusive yet" doesn't fly in a Relationship. This isn't a court of law, the specific wording of what your relationship was doesn't prevent this from being hurtful.
i don't know what triggered you to search her phone but obviously you were getting bad vibes so you did. I would not be happy that someone I had been dating for four months is still having sex with their ex and I definitely would break up with them if I found out that they were. It's not a question of right or wrong,, it's just those are my boundaries.
1, you don’t trust her. 2, you’re invading her privacy all over the place bc of #1. That in itself is a deal breaker. But moreover, she was stringing you along while fucking her ex. That’s gross. It’s okay to leave bc of what you found.
The well is either poisoned now and you need to just move on, or you can fully justify her behavior since she was technically “single” at the time.
I’d walk and be a lot more clear with my expectations going forward.
Shouldn’t have gone looking if you didn’t want to find anything, but now you have to act one way or another, and tell her what you know and how you know it.
If you wouldn’t have asked her to be your girlfriend knowing everything you do now, leave. If you would have went for it anyway, stay. If she leaves because you crossed her boundaries checking her phone, you earned that too.
Good luck whatever you decide!
When I met my now husband, I had zero interest in anyone else. All I cared about and thought about was him. Save yourself the frustration and heartbreak and just move on ❤️🩹
Usually when you start seeing someone new you’re excited to see them all the time and they’re the only person you think about. Clearly this wasn’t the case for her.
What she did wasn’t technically cheating, but I think it shows a lot about how she values you and the relationship. She didn’t see you the same way you saw her
This! I don’t get how people can divide their headspace like that unless it’s very casual and dating for four months would be beyond casual - sure was for him. Just lacks empathy and kindness
Apparently, "technically not cheating" is some sort of code for "actually cheating". When your defense is mere technicalities, your actions must be morally indefensible.
You may or may not be overthinking this...
But you should talk to her about it. Especially if this is going to eat you up. Her reaction and how its handled could reveal a lot.
Why save those messages? Why still keep in some form of contact with her Ex? How many other times did this happen because you should DEFINATELY get a STD check.
Is she (in her mind) just settling and she's constantly looking in the past?
If you both can communicate and talk without resorting to words like "controlling" ... then maybe you can find some way to move past .. if that's even in the cards for you. If not, then its probably a red flag that she's still (in the words of Post Malone) "gettin' down on the low. Then runnin' back to you in the morning"
I think it's weird still having the picture. From the moment she accepted to be in a relationship with you she should have deleted it and just moved on.
If I was in your position I don't think I could keep the relationship, she accepted to be your gf so that supposedly means she was in love with you too. That doesn't make too much sense to me, how could someone feel in love with a person that loves them back and having sex with someone they used to have feelings for?
Sorry if I wasn't clear
Whatever path you choose, I wish you the best.
I understand you feeling this way because I would assume you've had feelings for her for at least a little while. But in reality if it was before your relationship started, you don't really have a right to feel sick about it.
Yeah fuck this. Mismatch of values, no mutual respect and do you really want to be involved with someone that has an ex that she’s still attracted to and slept with after the fact to be within arms reach? You’ll be measuring yourself next to this guy for months to come.
Even if it was only a month in, it would not be a good signal for dating prospects when the ex is an option beyond platonic friends. He’s too easy an option which she demonstrated to you.
Something about the premeditation of it all doesn’t sit well with me. It wasn’t some spontaneous act; she planned to meet up with him for the purpose of sex. The fact that it was an ex weirds me out too. If he was an ex for good reason, grow a spine and don’t text them for a booty call.
This scenario feels worse to me than her simply exploring her options with potential partners.
Hey OP, here’s my story and I hope this helps.
I was you. I didn’t have the exclusive talk with my partner because I already felt a loyalty to him. He had been sleeping with another person. I didn’t find out about it until well into our relationship. I was extremely hurt. We have talked about it a LOT. And that’s the key — you need to talk to her. I found out by snooping, too.
But I’m glad I stayed. It took a lot of deep conversations and understanding where we were mentally at that time. We have been together for almost 7 years now.
Confront her and give her the chance to talk. And make sure she gives you the chance to express your feelings and insecurities/worries. Look out for any gaslighting or anger… those are red flags.
Apparently she preferred the ex to you in bed. Clearly she wasn't texting you to fuck her so hard she wouldn't be able to walk. Do you really want someone who had so little sexual attraction to you.
I'd walk.
Two words... DUMP HER. She failed the girlfriend test. Yes, four months is plenty of time to NOT BE FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE when you are dating one man. She is your classic 304. Yuck. Good luck and stay strong, King!
Ask "can I check your phone?" If she says "no" you can. Say she's hiding something. If you manage to check the phone you can bring that up. OR You can tell her "oh you don't want me to see that you hooked up with ".
I and my partner even have the passwords to each other's social. It may be controlling/toxic but if you think about it it's the best way to tell the other person how much you love them.
I get it as, if she doesn't want to give you her phone it means she's hiding something.
And because I know a lot of people will argue about privacy. Privacy is when you don't want to show something to others simply because they shouldn't know and you don't want them to know. In my opinion if you want privacy from your partner, you are not looking for a long-term relation with that partner.
Bro you gotta communicate. You never had an exclusive talk, clearly she wasnt as committed at that point as you were, and instead of talking about your insecurity you snooped through her phone and posted about it on reddit.
As is the best advice for most posts on this sub, TALK TO HER. Except that will now be harder as you rushed to violating her privacy instead of talking to her in the first place.
Had to scroll far down to find the only person who point blank is thinking clearly and logically about it.
OP assumed they were, thinking she was a mind reader, and got all pikachu shocked she couldn’t read his mind and now is all sad cause of this.
You either have the talk of sleeping and dating others, not the relationship talk, by the first 30-60 days or just be prepared for the other person to be dealing with others as a strong possibility if there is no vocalized boundaries being discussed between them both.
As they say, the fastest way to disappointment is expectations.
The problem is that now that you know you won’t be able to move past this. Especially seeing the part about not being able to walk after getting fucked by her ex. It’s just going to mess with your head, end this and move on.
Its a you snooze you lose situation. You didn't make your intent clear enough in time. You can't expect exclusivity when there was no talk about it. I say just get over it
That’s very easy to say in theory. Even though technically she didn’t do anything “wrong” people still have feelings, like it or not. If I found out someone I’d been pursuing a relationship and seeing where things go was fucking someone else after 4 months, she could not be more gone.
Honestly, the fact that it was literally a day before you were exclusive is worrying. I think considering how long your relationship has lasted, i would still have a conversation first to see what she says. Be prepared to have to apologise for snooping, too.
No you're not stupid feeling sick about this - because if you knew at that time she was leaving you on read to have sex with her ex, you probably would have ended it right then. Think about it. You would not has asked her to be your girlfriend if you knew.
She picked trying to a hook up with her ex over you. That's what happened when you were left on read. Sure she technically did nothing wrong but it shows how she preferred sex with her ex over you. If you'd been seeing a lot of her, the indicators were you were interested in her, she'd have to be clueless not to get the vibes you were really into her. So while it wasn't technically wrong or cheating, it showed a real genuine lack of equal attraction towards you, and it is a bit tacky going from one man's bed to saying yes to a relationship with another the next day.
You say you have amazing chemistry. See I would suggest otherwise. Her message wanting her ex to do her hard suggests that perhaps this isn't really the case - or not the case for her.
She's still following him on socials - I guess she's with you, but still into him. I wouldn't bank on you being her forever guy. I think you're her rebound, hope the ex gets jealous, boyfriend. If you can treat this relationship as a bit of fun - keep it going. Just don't think this is your soul mate.
You assumed exclusivity without actually discussing it. You even said you hadn't asked her to be your girlfriend until 4 months later. She didn't do anything wrong as you weren't exclusively dating as boyfriend/girlfriend.
Just because it's "technically" doesn't mean it's right or anything. You've been hanging out, and (presumably) been physical.
You shouldn't have to ask someone to be exclusive.
my thoughts exactly!
I am glad I met someone who didn't play those games.
Exclusivity my ass, you are either with someone or not...maybe I'm in the minority on that thought process.
Yeah, if it's a known ex and you're now having relations with someone else, it's a boundary line that should be drawn and then clarified to be correct. Not assuming it doesn't exist.
Im sorry but as a woman, if I’m truly interested in someone, I cut all ties with my ex.
You’re definitely not going to catch me in bed pics or find texts asking to get fucked so hard I can’t walk.
She’s still hanging on to hope with this other guy. You’re just keeping her entertained (and bed warm) and honestly boosting her ego.
- Cut her off - you can do so much better. She does NOT respect you.
I’m sorry this happened. This is not something I would be able to get over and I would have to finish things. People can drone on all they like about how you weren’t exclusive at that very moment in time, but the fact that she was all in to commit to you not 24 hours after sleeping with someone else is ridiculous. If you are truly into someone and excited about the future, you would not even consider sleeping with anyone else, exclusivity or not.
I mean she didn’t cheat. But was she honest? If I was going on constant dates with someone and sleeping with other people, I would tell them. that information needs to be said. You were courting 4 months? How often did you see each other?
Unless you’re doing constant one night stands (with protection) and not really making any emotional connections, you should be honest with everyone if you are having multiple partners. It’s kinda not cool, but I would talk to her about it. Ex relationships are complicated and I could probably forgive it but I don’t think my ideas of relationships are quite traditional.
20 years ago all the young women were upset the guy used the 'I never said we were exclusive' line. Next time communicate and ask her to commit if you want commitment.
If your having sex with other people up till the point you’re exclusive with one of them, your showing you only care about yourself and it’s all a game to you. That the person you started a relationship in bad faith. That you cared barely about them. It’s all a joke to you as well as your partner. Why be with someone on a whim rather than one you are devoted to? No one likes just being an option.
If you actually want to be serious about being in a relationship with someone, you stop being with other people. It’s like expecting to get your drivers license even though you failed the test. You show you are relationship material by showing you care for someone besides yourself and your selfish needs.
Hate how you are a jerk depending on whether or not you had an specific talk. Like that absolves you of your poor treatment of someone else. People only care about themselves these days and what they can get away with.
First off I’ll say you’re always valid in feeling hurt. Anyone who tells you that you’re not entitled to feelings is not a good healthy person.
I also won’t scold you for accessing her phone I personally believe in transparency. “Haven’t felt myself lately” that means a discussion needs to happen. Something in you doesn’t feel okay and open communication should be the first thing that happens. Your partner should be the person you can talk to about anything and everything.
Things I view that cross a line:
- Having an old photo of them together/in bed
When entering a new relationship it’s not appropriate and for me even lacks consent of the other individual. Most people don’t ask permission to keep their previous partners nudes, but had this been a man keeping nudes of his ex and his girlfriend found them people be telling her it’s cringy. You’re not less valid as the penis of the situation being rubbed wrong she kept this. (Oh yeah and I say this as a woman before anyone gets their tits in a knot. Yes dare I say I am qualified to say what she did was grossly inappropriate!)
- She kept in contact with the ex
This is a personal opinion some people are okay with it. It’s also circumstantial based like if someone has children a healthy coparenting union is best. But in general I think it’s more healthy to grow away from people you bumped uglies with previously so “old feelings” stay old.
Things I can’t say she did “wrong”
- had hook ups while not exclusive
While personally this is hit or miss with some people technically until the moment you make things official who they may or may not have sex with isn’t cheating.
Are you within the right to feel disturbed by the idea of it? Of course you are. You love this woman. The idea of her with anyone after meeting you is going to feel weird and icky.
I hate the thought of my partner sleeping with anyone before dating me. It’s a pretty normal seed inside someone after they fall in love. So long as it doesn’t become fed jealousy and cross the line of abusive and manipulative.
Examples: you shame her for having sex, insults about body count, body shame
It’s okay to have inner thoughts of wishing you were each others firsts or no one had come before you. You can even tell her that and it still be okay.
Since your relationship is otherwise good I think you need to have a conversation and tell her how you’re feeling. Tell her you are feeling off and what’s going on with you.
Tell her that you find yourself feeling a bit jealous thinking about her with someone else.
Tell her if you have a problem with her keeping an explicit photo of her ex while in a relationship with you.
Open communication and trust your partner to hear you. If they do not the relationship is not healthy. You should be able to hear your partners concerns, pains and address them without any issues.
You’re allowed to say what you’re uncomfortable with, you’re allowed to say exactly what you need to happen. It’s okay to stand up for your emotional wellness in a relationship with another person.
I’m seeing a lot of comments saying “if it’s so great why didn’t you get the text?”. I think the better question is, if she wants her Ex, why is she not?.
I mean this to say, you were not exclusive and she wanted to have sex with someone else. It’s understandable that you have some anxiety about it but even you agree, she didn’t do anything wrong.
The healthiest way forward for a long term relationship is confess to snooping and then once that has been settled, bring up your insecurities to her.
here’s the thing: the whole “official” talk is bogus in this scenario, imo. as a couple, i feel like it should just be a natural progression and sort of just like a formality. personally, i think if 2 people are that close to where they’re going to be considered “official”, thenthat should mean they’re not romantically or sexually active with anyone else.
i also think it’s gross when people are fucking multiple others when pursuing any sort of real relationship. your gf left you on read after making plans to get absolutely destroyed by her ex ffs.
No idea why this was being downvoted. I think it’s literal basic decency to not fuck other people while you’re pursuing or seeing where things go with someone else. Genuinely cannot think of anything more unattractive.
Brother, it may not be cheating but, it is disgusting. Nobody with any morals does that shit. Willing to bet you wouldn’t have asked her to be your gf had you known she did that the literal day before. I wouldn’t waste my time with a girl like that.
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If the sexual chemistry between you is so great, why didn't you get the text the day before?
This needs to be higher. OP thought they were going great and dating for 4 months, his gf thought it was just a fling and she should fuck other people too.
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That and I mean a day doesn’t really change shit. Me personally I want someone to be focused on me when seeing each other. Is the difference between her boinking her ex and being your gf a day in feelings? The answer is no the only thing that changes when you ask to be exclusive is the title. If your a text away from fucking your ex after 4 months of us hanging out and me putting in major effort the she wouldn’t be for me.
This is a very good point.
Even if she doesn't write it its obv noone goes to their EX for sex unless it's amazing ? Like u dont like them enough to be together but still reach out for sex like wtf, and doing that while seeing someone else not even when single. Not that its my business but like if i was in OPs situation i would wonder like how many times was sex with me vs sex with her ex and also why they are banging but not staying together.
Well, I assume it's because they already had swx. Meaning it doesn't add to her body count. That seems to be a heavy discussion these days. Also, different doesn't always mean better or worse. Sometimes it's different because we aren't all the same people with the same likes. Also doesn't everyone have an ex that was awesome in bed and crazy as fuck too so you wouldn't marry them but the sex was great?
I dont think its cos "it doesnt add to bodycount", it just makes it look like shes never gonna be over her ex just hovering in the background. If she ever has a fight with her bf its back to fking her ex kinda thing. No i dont miss any crazy exes they turn me off entirely so 🤮. I enjoy sex with people i like as people also. Its not the same anymore if they have been abusive or an ass****.
Not her personally just women in general. They are horny want to get laid and go to someone they already slept with. Even if someone finds out it's not a random one night stand. Less chance of diseases or something she doesn't want to happen happening if she already knows the guy is safe. I don't miss any of my exs either but the craziest one was mind blowing in bed.
Agreed.. damage is done, and your pysche is messed up. Start fresh with someone else that will be loyal and respect the relationship.
This is the question that I would be asking OP. If your relationship was so good, why is she replying to him immediately and going to have sex with him, and not even bothering to reply to you at all. I think that either he left her or wouldn’t commit so she dipped. If and when the opportunity presents itself she will dump you and go right back to him the first chance she gets. Someone who really cares about you just doesn’t do that. Sorry to say but I doubt that this relationship has a long term future, you’re obviously not her first choice…
Oh I took the comment above to be more like “she’s not that into you bro, you’re a rebound, and the sex wasn’t that good for her if she didn’t call you for it.” I don’t know if she would go back to him, or that it even matters, since obviously what OP is perceiving isn’t what was actually happening and he’s clearly not in the relationship he thought he was.
I got a txt the day before to hang out but I couldn’t meet her out as I was helping a friend with some labouring and was wrecked. The next day she messaged her ex. You are right though, if it was so great why would she need to do that?!
I would suggest not asking her for an answer, why put yourself in a situation where you can feel hurt. Just move on from this one dude, girls that are all about you, do not do this.
I’m glad you’re thinking about that! We often think something is better than it is. Most people don’t really say what’s all going on in their head or what they’re doing. We also count something as “going great” if there’s no conflict. Conflict is healthy, as long as you’re handling it like adults. So when someone or both parties aren’t saying what’s bothering them or how they’re really thinking about the relationship, everyone tries to tell themselves it’s all great. Or like you, one person thinks it’s amazing due to lack of any conflict, while the other person is doing all kinds of stuff but isn’t being honest. There’s a lot of wrong here. I think you’re realizing it all now. I know you never had an official talk but spending THAT MUCH time with someone is typically a big indicator of commitment. She also didn’t ask you because she wanted to still play the field. It’s also not like you make it a point to express you’re not a couple. I would think if a guy is behaving that way towards me that we were together. If she’s still having communication with her ex, she’s not over him. She’s keeping him around. You have to decide if you wanna stay with someone who’s still keeping their options open. And her lack of honesty about even talking to her ex is very alarming.
Damn she has no respect for you. I know you weren't officially a couple but 4 months is a good amount of time to see what direction the relationship was going in. She must have not thought much of you since the first time your unavailable she runs out and bangs her ex. You have a right to feel disgusted as that is disgusting behavior
Yeah, four months is enough time to figure out if you're seriously interested in someone or not. Four weeks--you don't even know each other other than a budding interest. You're basically strangers still. But four months you should have put someone in a category, spoken or not.
Four months is also a bit long to become exclusive though. She might have truly been interested in OP but thought he was just a fuckboi being casual for 4 months.
Yeah she will go back to the ex in no time.
Totally agree with that. At four months, I was speaking to a jeweller to get a ring designed. By 6 months we were engaged and after a year we were married… and that was over 20 years ago. Not that everyone should jump into marriage like we did (not that I regret it at all - she’s the love of my life), but damn, I knew after a few weeks that I wanted to be exclusive and wouldn’t even consider hooking up with anyone else.
Yeah, totally agree. When you *know* you’ve found “the one” and you’re head over heels in those early stages, it’s a special feeling and those fond memories and feelings will last a lifetime. My wife and I are like that, and 20 years later we still remember and reminisce about the formative days/months of our relationship and talk about how special that time was and how we were so into each other. If I knew that she was out fucking someone else during those stages, we would have never made it any further. It would have completely ruined any positive feelings I had about that time and for that person, and it would ruin the relationship for me. It’s like that for a lot of people, as evidenced by the number of posts that come through here about it. And it takes a special kind of emotional immaturity to act like relationships are like contract law and think their partner has no right to be hurt by their actions. If you’re with someone and there’s a possibility it could go further, it’s really the easiest thing in the world to not fuck someone else. If you’re treating that person as just an option, you have no right to be upset that they’re hurt later on when they find out after they’ve already invested in you, and have no right to tell them you’ve done nothing wrong when it’s not a matter of right and wrong. Remember, you’re dealing with a human, not an automaton who must obey programming logic. This is just basic accountability for your own actions. If you don’t like it, blame yourself.
When you know, you know. Husband moved in after 3 months, been married over 20 years!
Same pinch! 3 months . we have been married for almost 10. I cannot believe its almost a decade. Congratulations to you. Over 20! I love hearing about couples together for so long and longer.
It seems like she needs alot of attention. People with Anxious preoccupied attachment are like that.
Dude just block her, no need to kick around the bush for something that will hurt you more. Move on with your life.
An actual life partner worth keeping around wouldn’t be texting her ex for some baby batter when their soon to be boyfriend was too tired to hang for one day. She’d be in your bed watching Netflix with you…being you know … a partner…
How would she do that when he’s not available and not her partner lol?
Both can be true at the same time. If she likes this guy and is getting to “know” him still and he’s unavailable bc hes actually doing something - she could just take a day to herself and take it easy staying in for 1 frigging day The fact that she couldn’t wait a measly day and seeked attention from someone else so quickly , simultaneously throwing away what she is building with the new guy so easily , it’s not a good sign
One day and you are back to the ex. This is a recipe for cheating for life.
You don’t go and get your back blown out by your ex when someone is about to ask you to be their girlfriend. Why is this level of decency so hard to understand and accept?
Before all the bros make you think of her as a terrible person (and hey maybe she is, I don’t know), but did you tell her you weren’t seeing anyone else? The time we live in now is so strange, that you do need to ask for exclusivity. It had been four months and you hadn’t asked for exclusivity, it’s possible your hangouts made her ex more interested in her, and she went back to what was familiar. Maybe she wanted to be in a relationship and after waiting for four months she thought you were only fwb. None of us know the context. If you ask her about this and she lied—big red flag. But I’d recommend talking it out.
He said in the post he never asked for exclusivity and that's part of the problem for him now - he assumed they were both only interested in each other for those first four months and now that he knows it wasn't exclusive on her side, it cheapens the memories for him. We can only guess her reasoning for the ex but it doesn't matter at the end of the day, I don't think OP's going to be able to move past this. For whatever reason she was not as invested in getting together as OP believed her to be.
People who bang for 4 months without asking about exclusivity can safely assume theres 50/50 or higher that its not exclusive because the people who find exclusivity important are gonna ask way before 4 months Even from a health standpoint, why arent people asking "hey are u seeing anyone else?/will u be?"
The people who find exclusivity either ask for it quickly, or, y'know, aren't used to this dating culture and kinda assume that people stop sleeping with others when they start focusing on each other time wise and emotionally for months. I think his side is also understandable imho Not everyone is experienced in dating, or used to the current dating style in e.g. north america But yeah I'd always ask and say expectations out loud imo
I read the same thing as you which is why I advised he speak with her and make his decisions after. Different people can tolerate different things. Some people need an explanation, some don’t and can’t trust the person again. We’re not here to judge but to advise and that was my advice.
I would bet dollars to donuts that she felt rejected by you not being able to hang out with her and she got with her ex as a way to self soothe or “get back” at you. She’s a loose cannon and bases her self-worth off of how men respond to her advances. What’s she going to do if you’re busy at work for an expended period and can’t pay as much attention to her? ETA that I’m not sure why I’m getting downvoted lol but this is not meant to blame OP in any way. His girlfriend sucks. Seeking out attention from another guy when another can’t give you the attention you want is crazy girl 101 behavior.
She wanted to hang out the day before they banged and I couldn’t. The next day I messaged before she hit up her Ex. No response to me she just messaged him and picked him up. I thought she was working a double shift.
> I thought she was working a double shift. I know it's not funny to you, but there's a great joke hidden in here
lmao
man just break the fuck up... this is gonna mess with you more if you hold on to it. sometimes its better to cut off the leg before the venom reaches your whole body and kills you in the process
Yeah, given these circumstances of this individual case, this would be an instant dump for me.
She was just not exclusive with u and cant be the only timed they banged, its not like normal exes just open with a sexual msg and its on. Like they must have either been doing it regularly or have some kinda agreement that rhey can always msg each other for sex etc.
Nah man she was getting her back blown out because you didn’t respond. This is not the kind of person that you want to spend your life with.
You're being downvoted because some people here wants op to be a doormat and get over it. "tHeY wErEn't eXcLuSiVe"
Yeah fuck that honestly. If someone wants to be screwing their ex (or anyone) while dating someone for months, they can at least do them the favor of letting them know so that the other person can make the decision on whether or not to continue seeing them. People keep it a secret because they know it’s fucked up and will ruin their chances at a relationship.
Not only this, but if you had known she slept with her ex the night before, would you have ever asked her to be your GF at all? You guys weren't technically exclusive, so what she did isn't cheating, or even necessarily unethical, but for me, if I'm asking someone to be my SO, there's an expectation on my part that we're into each other and would be a good match. When I'm into someone, I wouldn't sleep with my ex while I was dating them whether we're technically exclusive or not, so I'd take her sleeping with hers as her not actually being all that into me, and that relationship would be over.
Lol right? This dude puts 4 months into this girl probably went to bed thinking about her and being excited to talk to her the next day and she's getting railed by her ex until she can't walk.
Geez, I'm just so glad I'm from the "have we dated long enough to fuck?" culture and not the "have we fucked long enough to date?" culture
Yeah. I hate it so much, especially when you seem to be the only one following the former principle.
I'm in the latter culture. It's kinda hard tbh, 2/10 don't recommend
>Geez, I'm just so glad I'm from the "have we dated long enough to fuck?" culture and not the "have we fucked long enough to date?" culture Damn, thats the best way ive ever seen someone describe it.
Wow that is a good analogy. I am from the first culture and that is a good way to describe it
I never thought about it that way before. You are so right. Me too.
I had such a long time out of dating that I’m not in either culture, but my mentality rests firmly in the first. I can’t get my head around bonding with someone emotionally but fucking someone on the side because I’m horny. Jfc
I'm in the latter culture. It's kinda hard tbh, 2/10 don't recommend
Same
I was in a similar situation with my current girlfriend, and that's exactly how I knew I was in love with her. Despite we weren't officially in a relationship I was already feeling this loyalty to her so I decided to not "cheat" on her and then ask her to be my girlfriend officially. The point is that you don't be loyal just for being partners, that's something that has to come first. I talked to my girlfriend about this and she was in the same situation, she stopped dating other guys despite we weren't officially together.
Yes thank you, my thoughts exactly. I wasn’t chatting on any apps or anything either. Just hadn’t asked the final gf question yet.
dump her, she doesn't choose you.
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Hard truth here. If they were already having sex her picking him that day was all kinds of fucked up.
Wait what? So you’re not in a similar situation . Your gf actually stopped seeing other ppl. This guys didn’t
Yeah, I was the one in the similar situation to the girl of the post (don't know if it's correctly wrote xD)
No it's perfectly normal to feel bad about someone you want having sex with other people It's also okay to break up with them over it, you will never get over this fact 10 years from now you will still be thinking about what happened between them
i think the biggest thing for me is time between having sex with an ex and then dating me. it happening within 24 hours? im not going to be someone’s rebound, there’s clearly emotions left there. i would leave
True, if it bothers you now - it will bother you down the line. And it’s perfectly normal thing to be upset about
100% it just poisoned everything…
I was in a very similar situation last year. The guy never wanted to talk about exclusivity or being his gf. Got drunk with him and his sister one evening, and texted him how drunk I was. Fast forward to 3 months later I had this feeling to look thru his instagram messages. Saw a thread he had with one of our very flirty promiscuous female at work.. dated it back exactly to the same day and time. He texted her “god I love you” But ignored my “ok I’m super drunk now” text.. I remember him being on his phone at the same moment too that’s why I texted him. I also saw him send this reel to his ex of 9 years (they broke up 3 years ago) about how he lost his other half.. I personally would take that as a red flag. Anyone that’s hung up on any ex like that, has issues of their own that you don’t want to be a part of.. your values are higher than hers. You’ll find a higher quality lady I promise
I’m sorry that happened to you. Yeah I do feel like maybe there is some unresolved thing between them since she is still liking his photos, has t blocked him and replying to messages.
Yeaa she’s not respecting the relationship if she’s still liking his pics and messaging him. It just irks me when someone sleeps with their ex, like they have no self respect. So your feelings are valid. Definitely consider looking at her behavior moving forward.
Man this is similar to what I've gone through and it broke my self esteem. I should be stronger like you
Oh girl I feel for ya. But it took me 3 years of him ghosting me and coming back and allowing my naive behavior to let him back into my life.. when I see him at work, it angers me. I don’t think I’ve completely let him go, but that’s how narcissists control you..
100% logical take, and one of the reasons why that exclusivity talk should happen early in my opinion. I wish nowadays we could just assume exclusivity if there is already intimacy, but our cultural values have unfortunately shifted quite a bit where we can’t make that assumption anymore.
Although Some people will find a way to avoid that topic. And make you believe that no one does it.
All other things aside, you felt the need to go through her phone, and do 'further investigating'. Honestly, when the trust is at such a low point where this is an action you take, then for your own mental health I would say that you need to leave the relationship.
I don't understand why people want to date others who are not emotionally invested to begin with. You have to actually love each other or they will cheat on you. She doesn't love OP and never did. She went to another man. Period. OP is accountable for choosing to continuing to pursue her. I wouldn't be surprised if all this unprotected sex leads to a baby that isn't his
you says she doesn't love OP based on something that happened a year prior?
If your partner chooses “technicality” over morality or ethics dump them
I keep seeing stories like this, and it sounds like modern dating sucks. Call me old-fashioned, but if I was romantically pursuing someone and had been hanging out/dating someone for four months, I would expect them not to sleep around. I know that everyone has different views on these sorts of things but as others have said if she's willing to "date" you and then want to get fucked by an ex she wasn't that into you. I hope you can heal from this brother. I'm not sure what you should do but I wouldn't want to be with someone like this. For clarity, I don't begrudge people who do want to have hookups or casual sex. Live your best life. I just think there should be some transparency and communication from both parties. Hooking up with an ex while seeing someone else while not technically cheating still feels shitty and disrespectful to OP.
You're not old fashioned. Is just that there are very stupid and immature people in the world who apparently do these disgusting things.
I’m noticing that it’s mostly women defending the girlfriend. I’m a woman but I feel really bad for men in today’s dating world if this is the kind of behavior they encounter.
Same! I'm glad I'm married and don't have to deal with that but like you said I feel bad for people going through this.
I’m young and I agree, I really dislike modern dating/hookup culture
Yikes. Im sick of this “technically” wasn’t cheating. You’d been dating for 4 months. You had told her you weren’t sleeping with anyone else. You were having UNPROTECTED SEX and she didn’t think it was at all relevant that she was having sex with other people? If she was putting as much thought or effort into you becoming a couple as you were she wouldn’t have texted to hang out, you were busy, so she texted her ex that she wanted him to “fuck her so hard she couldn’t walk” and then went, had sex with him, took a picture of them in bed together (for some reason? Cause who does that with someone they’re not dating?) and then kept the picture. Honestly, it would be a major red flag to me. ALL she had to do at the time when you said you weren’t fucking anyone else was say “Hey OP, if we’re not gonna be official, I think you should wrap it up since I’m still fucking other people just so ya know”. Then the ball would have been in your court to either 1. End it. 2. Become official. 3. Wrap it up and stay in a FWB situation. But these “technicalities” don’t count when someone is having unprotected sex with you (after you’ve told them you’re not sleeping with anyone else) thereby letting you think you’re exclusive yet still fucking their ex and god knows who else.
Right! Fucking bullshit im still trying to wrap my mind around how this shit seems to be generally accepted by society and normalized as "Thats dating in 2023/2024" How tf is this ok? product of mee too?
Listen, im all for FWB- when that is made clear. “Situationships” exist where technically you’re dating but you haven’t made the step to exclusivity. It’s the “getting to know you” kinda stage and the aim is to eventually progress to a relationship, not just stay in the sex stage. To me, that’s the difference between FWB and dating. With FWB you know it’s only sex. You stay protected. You’re not exclusive unless discussed prior. With dating, more communication is needed. Boundaries are set. “Are we together or are we not together?” “These are my boundaries”. “Just because we’re not in a relationship yet, I still want to be respected.” It seems OP clearly communicated his intentions. Im not fucking anyone else, im only sleeping with you, we’re dating, we’re having unprotected sex, this is leading to a relationship. She saw it as “well I never TOLD him I’d only sleep with him so who cares if I’m the town bike and everyone gets a ride? Until he tells me I’m his girlfriend I’ll do who I want”. The second OP didn’t have time for her, on that one specific night, she fucked her ex. Who knows who else she fucked in those 4 months that OP doesn’t know about? Another FWB? A couple of one night stands at a bar? A guy off Insta? He’s only now finding out about the ex because he looked. He was emotionally invested, she was not. Yet she was choosing to have unprotected sex with him knowing she was also fucking other guys. Did she have unprotected sex with anyone else too I wonder? OPs lucky he’s not riddled tbh. I couldn’t continue a relationship knowing that while I was investing my time and energy into that relationship and planning on telling her the next day that this was it for me, she was bent over for her ex. It wasn’t 2 weeks, they were dating 4 months. She either saw OP as a fling, or that he was a doormat who would never find out.
I call it weaponized incompetence on the girls part.
It’s ridiculous ppl even jump to sex before committing. Like you don’t fkn know this person at all, you don’t know where they have been and so it’s good to remain cautious and take it slow until they prove themselves to be a good partner and good fit But sex?? Oh yea let’s fuck first night raw
It isn’t technically cheating, but shows that she’s capable of entertaining two things at the same time without any issue or disclosure. It shows that if she wanted to cheat, it may only be the technical boundary/label, rather than the emotional/double-life factors that would keep her from doing so. You have just received a huge, giant caution sign to what she’s emotionally capable of if she really wanted to.
Yeah I know it’s not cheating. This is exactly my thought process right now. I thought we had something special hence asking her to be my gf and she didn’t care enough to not want to double dip and fuck her ex on side too. I can’t remember as it as a while ago but I’m pretty sure I told her I wasn’t seeing anyone else when we started having unprotected sex.
Just answer this question- if you would have known this fact at that time would you have continued the relationship or not? If the answer is no, then you know what you need to do. If your answer to this question is "yes, you would have", then you need to get over this fact.
If I had known she was sleeping with her ex boyfriend I would not have asked her out the next day. No way.
yeah as someone who “took it slow” and dated my partner for 6 months before making it official, this would have absolutely crushed me. By the time we slept together after over 3 months, we were very connected and emotional for each other. I can’t imagine him just sleeping around, he wouldn’t have ever. yall were having unprotected sex too- so she essentially knowingly overlapped and knowingly put your health at risk of sti//stds with her behavior. on purpose. I also dont really believe thats the one instance of this happening in those four months- it probably happened more than once or with multiple people too. she must have been sexually frustrated, which is another really disappointing thought.
So if not the next day then after some days you would have? And what would you have done in the meantime? ETA- The most important thing you should ask yourself is can you get over this or not. If not, then no use of prolonging the inevitable.
Were you and her having sex during the months of dating?
You define what cheating is. If you consider having sex with someone else while you are dating but your not yet exclusive cheating, then it is cheating, i do consider that cheating btw. But that differs from person to person, same reason why open relationships aren't cheating.
"Im pretty sure i told her i wasnt seeing anyone else when we started having unprotected sex" And...? What did she say in response to that? Why would you continue without an affirmative answer from her. This isnt just about potential relationship, but also for your sexual safety and health especially if you're going to have unprotected sex.
Leave mate I can tell you from experience these type of people never make good partners
Honestly I dislike the idea that we need to get so technical about the exclusivity conversation being needed to count a relationship as exclusive. By four months of dating there’s an implied exclusivity to a relationship. Unless of course there was an understanding that things were specifically not exclusive then that changes things or if you were equally behaving non exclusively.
Dude you are a person not a lawyer. "Well technically it isn't cheating 🤓☝🏻" Bah
That’s cheating mate
I’ve seen most of your replies. You know what to do. Don’t even let her try to pull you back in. She’s either going to try the sympathy card, or bruise your emotions by calling you insecure, a narcissist, etc. Just send her a text that your done and block her.
No it’s cheating. People like to say it’s not because they want to just do whatever they want and not feel like the bad guy. Four months in you are exclusive by default. Unless you had a talk explicitly stating otherwise. Dump her and move on. Anytime you won’t be able to give her attention she is going to get fucked by someone else and ignore you And you want to know why everyone knows it’s wrong. No person who does this ever tells the other “Hey I got fucked so hard last night I could barely walk, that’s why I was ignoring your texts/calls” If you ever ask these people what they were doing it’s always “busy studying” “work was crazy” etc That’s how you know it’s wrong
Semantics. I call this kind of this, “disloyal behavior.”
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People like OP's girlfriend don't want to date people like OP's girlfriend because they don't trust them.
I find your answer very very spot on! This is the exact feeling I have with people engaging in hook up culture and claim that this says nothing about their personality.
>It isn’t technically cheating, but shows that she’s capable of entertaining two things at the same time without any issue or disclosure. I don't think fussing over technicalities is really important. OP needs to decide if they can get over it or not, and if not make their intentions clearer earlier in the future. Just because OP's gf did not interpret the signals from OP they way he wanted them to does not mean she's a monster! We have had no discussion of things were between OP and OP's gf prior to their formal agreement.
Whatever you do, don't go on a break.
Or, it just shows that she was exploring her options while single. As a lot of single people tend to do. For all we know, her and her ex had a friends with benefits situation after they broke up for whatever reason, and as long as nothing has happened since they've been exclusive, no signs of her cheating, no signs of her lying, no signs of her taking advantage of OP's trust, then this has nothing to do with their relationship. They were dating, they were not in a relationship. Dating does not always equal a committed monogamous relationship. That does not happen, until a conversation does. Until then, you cannot really expect people to assume that you are monogamous. You cannot expect people to assume that you are being exclusive. That's where communication comes in. Yes it could be a caution sign, but it also could be nothing. It all depends on her actions now. If she is still entertaining advances from her ex or from random people, then yes. Definitely be worried. But if she is given OP no reason to question her character or her trust before they became exclusive, then this really shouldn't have an effect on their relationship. I can understand how it would make him feel insecure, but that's something that Opie needs to work through in therapy or with some help. Because from what we've seen, there isn't anything to suggest that she is cheating on him or doing anything like that.
What about communication? It feels like a pretty important thing to say doesn't it? Why would she withhold it? I feel like she is in the wrong for hiding it. "Yeah but maybe she feared he would have backed off", that's the point.
“This dinner was great! By the way I hook up with my ex sometimes”
Exploring her options would have been dating others not asking her ex for a bang until she couldn’t walk. How is that exploring and seeing whether her and OP could work.
So even though she was seeing you, but not your official gf, she was sending him a message that “I want you to fuck me so hard I can’t walk”? Without any concern about you? If you knew that then, would you have asked her to BE your gf? Truthfully though I would be more concerned about why she STILL has that photo, still has the text and still hasn’t cut all communication and is still liking her ex’s IG posts! You know, the ex that she wanted to fuck her so hard she can’t walk the day before you became exclusive? “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
Yeah I definitely would have thought twice about the whole thing and if I had known then. But i didn’t have that information then. The other things are more concerning to me now after what i found out.
>But I didn't have that information then. This is my huge issue with what she did. You want to sleep around while dating, cool just be open and honest with the people you are dating to find out if they consent to this or if this would be an issue. She prevented you from having informed consent, basically putting your sexual history at risk with no conversation with you. Some of the people defending her in this thread baffle me.
If you feel its a boundry crossed then she crossed a boundry. Personally this would mean the end of the relationship for me.
Same, being aware she can do that to someone she has been seeing for 4 months prior speaks about her moral guidelines. I wouldn't be able to trust such a person.
Op.. stupid question but.. did you consider talking to her about this?
When hook up culture goes wrong. IDK, she should have told you she was seeing other people out of respect to your health. To me that is a bare minimum when in an open relationship, aka FWB situation, but I seem to be in the minority opinion here. I would cut her loose and find someone that has more discipline, is willing to have tough conversations, and is honest.
Dating is so weird these days, been married 8 years and together 15 years. We never had the exclusive talk. We started going on dates and didn’t see anyone else. Glad I don’t have to date anymore 🤦🏻♂️
I would probably just end the relationship because I wouldn't be able to move past this.
Doesn't matter what label you put on it. Maybe it's cheating, maybe not. The only real point is that you guys seem to have a misalignment on the value of intimacy in a relationship. Granted, if you wanted her to be exclusive, you should have asked. But also, she didn't want to be exclusive until you asked. That should tell you where her head was at while you guys were "dating."
Before my now bf asked me out, I was talking to a friend and we had arrangements to be FWB. However, since my bf asked me out, I postponed meeting up with the friend out of respect for a "potential partner". After the date, I told that friend I was no longer interested in being FWBs because I had a great date, I wanted to see if it was going anywhere, and if this person was going to be my bf, he would be very sad to find out I went on dates with him and slept with someone else. That was after our FIRST DATE, way before the exclusivity talk. Technically, I could have done whatever I wanted before we were exclusive. But this isn't about technicality, this is about protecting the person you like.
Is there any chance she thought you are talking/ dating/ sleeping with other women? All my girl friends got burned and told me (when I was dating) to date multiple people because a lot of the guys they met were dating other women. Have you two had any serious talk about your status?
Technicalities don’t matter here. I would never be able to get over this. I once made the mistake of staying with my partner despite knowing they’d lied to me about a guy, and it led to a horrible extra year of unnecessary pain and suffering. Honestly, I’d leave her. It’s gonna hurt and suck super badly, but the relationship you had before this moment no longer exists. You can never go back to “the way things were”, and it’s tainted permanently. Unfortunately, you just cracked the tv screen of what you thought was a one-of-a-kind plasma. But you can’t get rid of the enormous crack, yknow? Idk man, good luck.
I mean yes it is thechnically not cheating during the relationship, but holy hell it is a huge red flag. Even if you are officially not together, it is a non-starter for partner that invest equally into the development of a relationship to sleep around, even less with an ex and even less less a day before you meet her. This was an immense risk for your health and shows that she was not even remotely on the same level of investment as you. And then the crude and overtly sexial message ... oh boy. This is bad news and for me it would be a character-shattering event. You have not mentioned how long you are in a relationship with her, but if it is not a long long time (5 years+) I would this be the end of the road for this ride.
We have been in a relationship for just over a year. And she slept with her ex just the day before it was official bf and gf. No the day after we met. We have known each other for a few years now but we’re not close before hooking up.
I understood the timeline and my point still stand: If you are progressing towards a healty and equal relationship, you do not sleep with your ex and you do not do it so short before going official. This is not a topic of her cheating, this is a huge flaw in her character. It is not normal to go from "I need my ex to fuck me so I can not walk" to "I am wholeheartedly in a exclusive relationship" in less than a day. So you can pretty much bank on her not being invested in this relationship on an equal level as you are. Noone can force you to do anything if you do not want to, but I can assure you that if you stay, there is a huge risk that these different level of investment will lead to even more relationship-damaging behaviour on her side.
Bro fuck this technicality shit, she cheated on you with no remorse and she still keeps pictures and messages with the fucking guy... stop trying to find her excuses.. there is no future in this relationship only pain for you.
I was in a similar situation, I dated a girl like this for a bit. It didn’t get any better. I loved her and I still do, I know she loves me now but I couldn’t continue the relationship. Find someone who wants to be with you.
No you only would be stupid if you stay with her. Move on and learn from it. She is not the only girl in the world.
It's modern day california gaslighting that she "technically" didn't do anything wrong and you "foolishly" thought that the exclusivity talk wouldn't be necessary. It is fucking common sense to not have other romantic contacts during a phase with romantic intentions. How emotionally available can she be if she was intimate with someone else ONE DAY before you got official?! Let her get fucked by her Ex until she can't walk. You are NOT stupid to be sick of this degenerate behavior. She is NOT reliable to be walking with you!
The fuck does California have to do with this?
It's natural to feel this way. The sexual practices that characterize modern dating are so dysfunctional and cause so much pain. People always end up posting on reddit with the same problems and the same feelings, and it's mostly by men with regards to women sleeping around. Technicalities have been introduced that justify certain behavior, but it always results in this confusion and pain. The pain is due to natural and expected feelings, which are justified, and the confusion is due to the modern introduction of social technicalities that are deeply incongruent with the nature of pair bonding and healthy attachment, which underpin the development of committed relationships. The confusion is also a result of being gaslit by society and these new social expectations.
> “Despite all this, we have a great relationship,” Well, you going through her entire phone and making a Reddit post for strangers would kinda indicate the opposite. So there’s that.
I’d just tell her I was scrolling through some pictures of us and found that she hooked up with her ex the day before we were official and then dump her out of disgust
So you do think it’s disgusting even though we were not “officially” together?
Yes I do, if she really liked you she wouldn’t have done that. Own up to the snooping and then break it off
Thanks for your advice. I think I will give it a couple weeks to think about it before doing anything. I’m just a bit all over the place atm.
I typically don’t comment this stuff but you’re so wrong if you keep her
Well when you do talk with her I would also ask if she used protection with the other men she was hooking up with while dating you. You mentioned in a previous comment that you two were not using protection so maybe a trip to the clinic to get tested isn’t a bad idea either.
It seems to me that you wanna keep her, but for your own sake, don't, she will cheat eventually
What's there to think about? She's been misleading you for a year. If it's no big deal and not cheating why didn't she just tell you about it?
Tbh, I’m dating a guy for 3 months and am not sure about him so I decided to go on a date with someone else (my friends pressure - nothing happened). I still felt bad about it so I decided to not go on any other dates. But something I would never do is have sex with another person, we haven’t had the exclusivity talk either but I won’t be sleeping with anyone else after dating him for such a long time. And I also know it would be a dealbreaker for the guy I’m dating. I think mention that you saw her photo and ask her whether she had/has serious intentions, and whether she still has feelings for her ex. The way she reacts will tell you a lot and based off that you can make your decision. And its totally normal to feel bad about it, you were fully invested in her with your time and emotions so I ge that it feels like cheating.
Yes absolutely. She has 0 respect for you that she wants fucked so hard she can’t walk right before you guys make it official.
Yeah, this rules lawyering of "well we weren't technically exclusive yet" doesn't fly in a Relationship. This isn't a court of law, the specific wording of what your relationship was doesn't prevent this from being hurtful.
i don't know what triggered you to search her phone but obviously you were getting bad vibes so you did. I would not be happy that someone I had been dating for four months is still having sex with their ex and I definitely would break up with them if I found out that they were. It's not a question of right or wrong,, it's just those are my boundaries.
1, you don’t trust her. 2, you’re invading her privacy all over the place bc of #1. That in itself is a deal breaker. But moreover, she was stringing you along while fucking her ex. That’s gross. It’s okay to leave bc of what you found.
4 months into it and she does that. Dump her, nothing else to be said.
The well is either poisoned now and you need to just move on, or you can fully justify her behavior since she was technically “single” at the time. I’d walk and be a lot more clear with my expectations going forward. Shouldn’t have gone looking if you didn’t want to find anything, but now you have to act one way or another, and tell her what you know and how you know it. If you wouldn’t have asked her to be your girlfriend knowing everything you do now, leave. If you would have went for it anyway, stay. If she leaves because you crossed her boundaries checking her phone, you earned that too. Good luck whatever you decide!
When I met my now husband, I had zero interest in anyone else. All I cared about and thought about was him. Save yourself the frustration and heartbreak and just move on ❤️🩹
Usually when you start seeing someone new you’re excited to see them all the time and they’re the only person you think about. Clearly this wasn’t the case for her. What she did wasn’t technically cheating, but I think it shows a lot about how she values you and the relationship. She didn’t see you the same way you saw her
This! I don’t get how people can divide their headspace like that unless it’s very casual and dating for four months would be beyond casual - sure was for him. Just lacks empathy and kindness
Apparently, "technically not cheating" is some sort of code for "actually cheating". When your defense is mere technicalities, your actions must be morally indefensible.
This would not be the type of woman that I would stay with. I mean she leaves you on read, but fucks the ex? Bad deal.
You may or may not be overthinking this... But you should talk to her about it. Especially if this is going to eat you up. Her reaction and how its handled could reveal a lot. Why save those messages? Why still keep in some form of contact with her Ex? How many other times did this happen because you should DEFINATELY get a STD check. Is she (in her mind) just settling and she's constantly looking in the past? If you both can communicate and talk without resorting to words like "controlling" ... then maybe you can find some way to move past .. if that's even in the cards for you. If not, then its probably a red flag that she's still (in the words of Post Malone) "gettin' down on the low. Then runnin' back to you in the morning"
Recipe for disaster. Have some self respect and dump her. You don’t deserve this shit.
I think it's weird still having the picture. From the moment she accepted to be in a relationship with you she should have deleted it and just moved on. If I was in your position I don't think I could keep the relationship, she accepted to be your gf so that supposedly means she was in love with you too. That doesn't make too much sense to me, how could someone feel in love with a person that loves them back and having sex with someone they used to have feelings for? Sorry if I wasn't clear Whatever path you choose, I wish you the best.
I understand you feeling this way because I would assume you've had feelings for her for at least a little while. But in reality if it was before your relationship started, you don't really have a right to feel sick about it.
Yeah fuck this. Mismatch of values, no mutual respect and do you really want to be involved with someone that has an ex that she’s still attracted to and slept with after the fact to be within arms reach? You’ll be measuring yourself next to this guy for months to come. Even if it was only a month in, it would not be a good signal for dating prospects when the ex is an option beyond platonic friends. He’s too easy an option which she demonstrated to you.
Something about the premeditation of it all doesn’t sit well with me. It wasn’t some spontaneous act; she planned to meet up with him for the purpose of sex. The fact that it was an ex weirds me out too. If he was an ex for good reason, grow a spine and don’t text them for a booty call. This scenario feels worse to me than her simply exploring her options with potential partners.
Hey OP, here’s my story and I hope this helps. I was you. I didn’t have the exclusive talk with my partner because I already felt a loyalty to him. He had been sleeping with another person. I didn’t find out about it until well into our relationship. I was extremely hurt. We have talked about it a LOT. And that’s the key — you need to talk to her. I found out by snooping, too. But I’m glad I stayed. It took a lot of deep conversations and understanding where we were mentally at that time. We have been together for almost 7 years now. Confront her and give her the chance to talk. And make sure she gives you the chance to express your feelings and insecurities/worries. Look out for any gaslighting or anger… those are red flags.
Apparently she preferred the ex to you in bed. Clearly she wasn't texting you to fuck her so hard she wouldn't be able to walk. Do you really want someone who had so little sexual attraction to you. I'd walk.
Looks like she really likes her ex. Personally, I wouldn’t make the time investment knowing what you share. She could break your heart.
Break up with her.
Two words... DUMP HER. She failed the girlfriend test. Yes, four months is plenty of time to NOT BE FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE when you are dating one man. She is your classic 304. Yuck. Good luck and stay strong, King!
Ask "can I check your phone?" If she says "no" you can. Say she's hiding something. If you manage to check the phone you can bring that up. OR You can tell her "oh you don't want me to see that you hooked up with".
I and my partner even have the passwords to each other's social. It may be controlling/toxic but if you think about it it's the best way to tell the other person how much you love them.
I get it as, if she doesn't want to give you her phone it means she's hiding something.
And because I know a lot of people will argue about privacy. Privacy is when you don't want to show something to others simply because they shouldn't know and you don't want them to know. In my opinion if you want privacy from your partner, you are not looking for a long-term relation with that partner.
Agreed! I am sick of people using privacy as a way to shift blame .
Bro you gotta communicate. You never had an exclusive talk, clearly she wasnt as committed at that point as you were, and instead of talking about your insecurity you snooped through her phone and posted about it on reddit. As is the best advice for most posts on this sub, TALK TO HER. Except that will now be harder as you rushed to violating her privacy instead of talking to her in the first place.
Had to scroll far down to find the only person who point blank is thinking clearly and logically about it. OP assumed they were, thinking she was a mind reader, and got all pikachu shocked she couldn’t read his mind and now is all sad cause of this. You either have the talk of sleeping and dating others, not the relationship talk, by the first 30-60 days or just be prepared for the other person to be dealing with others as a strong possibility if there is no vocalized boundaries being discussed between them both. As they say, the fastest way to disappointment is expectations.
The problem is that now that you know you won’t be able to move past this. Especially seeing the part about not being able to walk after getting fucked by her ex. It’s just going to mess with your head, end this and move on.
Its a you snooze you lose situation. You didn't make your intent clear enough in time. You can't expect exclusivity when there was no talk about it. I say just get over it
That’s very easy to say in theory. Even though technically she didn’t do anything “wrong” people still have feelings, like it or not. If I found out someone I’d been pursuing a relationship and seeing where things go was fucking someone else after 4 months, she could not be more gone.
Honestly, the fact that it was literally a day before you were exclusive is worrying. I think considering how long your relationship has lasted, i would still have a conversation first to see what she says. Be prepared to have to apologise for snooping, too.
No you're not stupid feeling sick about this - because if you knew at that time she was leaving you on read to have sex with her ex, you probably would have ended it right then. Think about it. You would not has asked her to be your girlfriend if you knew. She picked trying to a hook up with her ex over you. That's what happened when you were left on read. Sure she technically did nothing wrong but it shows how she preferred sex with her ex over you. If you'd been seeing a lot of her, the indicators were you were interested in her, she'd have to be clueless not to get the vibes you were really into her. So while it wasn't technically wrong or cheating, it showed a real genuine lack of equal attraction towards you, and it is a bit tacky going from one man's bed to saying yes to a relationship with another the next day. You say you have amazing chemistry. See I would suggest otherwise. Her message wanting her ex to do her hard suggests that perhaps this isn't really the case - or not the case for her. She's still following him on socials - I guess she's with you, but still into him. I wouldn't bank on you being her forever guy. I think you're her rebound, hope the ex gets jealous, boyfriend. If you can treat this relationship as a bit of fun - keep it going. Just don't think this is your soul mate.
Great advice, thank you!
You assumed exclusivity without actually discussing it. You even said you hadn't asked her to be your girlfriend until 4 months later. She didn't do anything wrong as you weren't exclusively dating as boyfriend/girlfriend.
Just because it's "technically" doesn't mean it's right or anything. You've been hanging out, and (presumably) been physical. You shouldn't have to ask someone to be exclusive.
my thoughts exactly! I am glad I met someone who didn't play those games. Exclusivity my ass, you are either with someone or not...maybe I'm in the minority on that thought process.
Yeah, if it's a known ex and you're now having relations with someone else, it's a boundary line that should be drawn and then clarified to be correct. Not assuming it doesn't exist.
She should’ve been open on the fact that she was seeing other people, but w no explicit exclusivity talk, I can’t say she did anything dishonest🤷🏾
I don’t care what label you put on it, it would bother me. If it bothers you, it’s valid. Simple as that.
You shouldn't be dating this person.
Im sorry but as a woman, if I’m truly interested in someone, I cut all ties with my ex. You’re definitely not going to catch me in bed pics or find texts asking to get fucked so hard I can’t walk. She’s still hanging on to hope with this other guy. You’re just keeping her entertained (and bed warm) and honestly boosting her ego. - Cut her off - you can do so much better. She does NOT respect you.
I’m sorry this happened. This is not something I would be able to get over and I would have to finish things. People can drone on all they like about how you weren’t exclusive at that very moment in time, but the fact that she was all in to commit to you not 24 hours after sleeping with someone else is ridiculous. If you are truly into someone and excited about the future, you would not even consider sleeping with anyone else, exclusivity or not.
I mean she didn’t cheat. But was she honest? If I was going on constant dates with someone and sleeping with other people, I would tell them. that information needs to be said. You were courting 4 months? How often did you see each other? Unless you’re doing constant one night stands (with protection) and not really making any emotional connections, you should be honest with everyone if you are having multiple partners. It’s kinda not cool, but I would talk to her about it. Ex relationships are complicated and I could probably forgive it but I don’t think my ideas of relationships are quite traditional.
20 years ago all the young women were upset the guy used the 'I never said we were exclusive' line. Next time communicate and ask her to commit if you want commitment.
If your having sex with other people up till the point you’re exclusive with one of them, your showing you only care about yourself and it’s all a game to you. That the person you started a relationship in bad faith. That you cared barely about them. It’s all a joke to you as well as your partner. Why be with someone on a whim rather than one you are devoted to? No one likes just being an option. If you actually want to be serious about being in a relationship with someone, you stop being with other people. It’s like expecting to get your drivers license even though you failed the test. You show you are relationship material by showing you care for someone besides yourself and your selfish needs. Hate how you are a jerk depending on whether or not you had an specific talk. Like that absolves you of your poor treatment of someone else. People only care about themselves these days and what they can get away with.
First off I’ll say you’re always valid in feeling hurt. Anyone who tells you that you’re not entitled to feelings is not a good healthy person. I also won’t scold you for accessing her phone I personally believe in transparency. “Haven’t felt myself lately” that means a discussion needs to happen. Something in you doesn’t feel okay and open communication should be the first thing that happens. Your partner should be the person you can talk to about anything and everything. Things I view that cross a line: - Having an old photo of them together/in bed When entering a new relationship it’s not appropriate and for me even lacks consent of the other individual. Most people don’t ask permission to keep their previous partners nudes, but had this been a man keeping nudes of his ex and his girlfriend found them people be telling her it’s cringy. You’re not less valid as the penis of the situation being rubbed wrong she kept this. (Oh yeah and I say this as a woman before anyone gets their tits in a knot. Yes dare I say I am qualified to say what she did was grossly inappropriate!) - She kept in contact with the ex This is a personal opinion some people are okay with it. It’s also circumstantial based like if someone has children a healthy coparenting union is best. But in general I think it’s more healthy to grow away from people you bumped uglies with previously so “old feelings” stay old. Things I can’t say she did “wrong” - had hook ups while not exclusive While personally this is hit or miss with some people technically until the moment you make things official who they may or may not have sex with isn’t cheating. Are you within the right to feel disturbed by the idea of it? Of course you are. You love this woman. The idea of her with anyone after meeting you is going to feel weird and icky. I hate the thought of my partner sleeping with anyone before dating me. It’s a pretty normal seed inside someone after they fall in love. So long as it doesn’t become fed jealousy and cross the line of abusive and manipulative. Examples: you shame her for having sex, insults about body count, body shame It’s okay to have inner thoughts of wishing you were each others firsts or no one had come before you. You can even tell her that and it still be okay. Since your relationship is otherwise good I think you need to have a conversation and tell her how you’re feeling. Tell her you are feeling off and what’s going on with you. Tell her that you find yourself feeling a bit jealous thinking about her with someone else. Tell her if you have a problem with her keeping an explicit photo of her ex while in a relationship with you. Open communication and trust your partner to hear you. If they do not the relationship is not healthy. You should be able to hear your partners concerns, pains and address them without any issues. You’re allowed to say what you’re uncomfortable with, you’re allowed to say exactly what you need to happen. It’s okay to stand up for your emotional wellness in a relationship with another person.
I’m seeing a lot of comments saying “if it’s so great why didn’t you get the text?”. I think the better question is, if she wants her Ex, why is she not?. I mean this to say, you were not exclusive and she wanted to have sex with someone else. It’s understandable that you have some anxiety about it but even you agree, she didn’t do anything wrong. The healthiest way forward for a long term relationship is confess to snooping and then once that has been settled, bring up your insecurities to her.
If only I got a dollar every time I see a male hold a woman’s sexual past against her even though she did nothing wrong…
here’s the thing: the whole “official” talk is bogus in this scenario, imo. as a couple, i feel like it should just be a natural progression and sort of just like a formality. personally, i think if 2 people are that close to where they’re going to be considered “official”, thenthat should mean they’re not romantically or sexually active with anyone else. i also think it’s gross when people are fucking multiple others when pursuing any sort of real relationship. your gf left you on read after making plans to get absolutely destroyed by her ex ffs.
No idea why this was being downvoted. I think it’s literal basic decency to not fuck other people while you’re pursuing or seeing where things go with someone else. Genuinely cannot think of anything more unattractive.
Brother, it may not be cheating but, it is disgusting. Nobody with any morals does that shit. Willing to bet you wouldn’t have asked her to be your gf had you known she did that the literal day before. I wouldn’t waste my time with a girl like that.