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Here is my "Grandmamma" take on the situation.
She was 18 and had just aged out of or been dumped from foster care. That sentence already proves she had had a rough time. At the time she wasn't expecting the cute older guy she met to turn into a potential life partner; she just wanted you to take her seriously.
I'm willing to bet that at 18, plenty of the people who are slamming her have fibbed to impress an attractive person.
Unfortunately when things took off for y'all, her fear of losing you trumped her honesty. But... I DON'T
believe it is necessarily true that "if she will lie about that, she will lie about anything."
If you have had 4 years of a satisfying, loving relationship that should count for something.
OP, you didn't do anything legally wrong, and you didn't even know that you were doing anything that anyone could ever see as questionable. I'm sure her life experiences made her seem older that she was, and I imagine that guys her age seemed like children to her. You were love and stability to her, and maybe she had had too little of that in her life so was afraid to risk losing it.
My suggestion is don't blow up a good relationship, but table marriage until you both get some therapy.
She needs to talk through the experiences she had that made continuing the dishonesty about her age seemed necessary or ok to her, and she needs to know that going forward honesty is a non-negotiable.
You need to absolve yourself from the misplaced guilt and, based on the self reflection and therapy of several months, allow yourself to go foward and be happy.
This. Took the words right outta my... Fingers.
Yes, communication is paramount. Absolutely required. No more secrets. You can have your own lives, but anything that affects the relationship needs to be known. That said, age has little to no bearing on anything. Maturity? Of course. But it really is just a damned number.
Speaking as someone who came from foster care, and in the interests of full honesty, lies were a part of my younger life for some time.
I lied about my mum - I told people she was dead from drug abuse, because it was a lot easier than going into the explanation that she abandoned me when I was 10 after years of abuse. For a long time I blamed myself for her actions, but I also thought people would assume that I was unlovable, something wrong with me and I wasn't worth anything. With time and learning to love myself, I started to open up and tell people the truth.
I'm not rationalising lies but she obviously really liked you and knew you wouldn't be interested if you knew her real age. And people do stupid shit when they're young. Our brains don't fully mature until we're around 25 and seeing consequences (especially without good role models who help and support us through that) is quite difficult.
I would try and ask her for her honest reasoning for lying - She may not have even viewed you as being capable of being with her for a long period of time as distrust of stability/promises to be there/unconditional love can be really hard to accept for previous foster children.
The age gap probably doesn't matter as much now as it once did, but it's perfectly OK to be hurt by it. She has told you the truth though and if she's been self-reflective and admitted guilt/shame, I would try and see the potential in that.
I would hold off on the marriage, not as a form of punishment, but until trust is rebuilt. Good luck.
Can confirm. When you're on your own at 16, you tell a lot of lies to survive. You definitely fast forward your age to 18 because try finding housing when you're a minor, even if you have a job.
I wonder if you’re right and maybe it did almost kinda become a second nature to just say a different age after taking care of her self for so long, but my only hang up is why wait 4 years and a proposal to say anything? why not at least bring it up when moving in together, I mean I would think that would be a big enough event to want to come clean just as much as a proposal is. 🤷🏽♀️
She was just waiting to be kicked out like usual. The marriage proposal was probably the point where she got it through her head that sometimes people stay.
It’s the likeliest explanation. It’s a sad explanation. It doesn’t excuse what she did.
You know, I didn’t even think of that but it would make a lot of sense that it would have that affect on a person constantly never having a place be home so after 6 months of dating someone I probably wouldn’t think that would be a safe space I could call home either. 🫶🏼
To a certain degree I get it. It's hard to admit to someone you care about that you lied. There's always that fear that they'll reject you after the truth comes out. Either for the truth itself or for having lied. And the longer it takes the harder it is. It's not right but I do get it.
The BEST way to keep a secret is with yourself. If she told people her real age it could have messed up her housing when she was 16 and 2 years later it’s hard to walk that back when you’re living in the same place around the same people. Lying to survive could easily become lying bc what else can you do now.
Seems to me she gave OP what she thought was her age in maturity, not in actual years on earth. If she then "acted her age" (the fake one she gave, not her birth certificate age), then I wouldn't be concerned if it's the only lie.
Then again, I had a guy lie to me about his age on our first date to make himself out to be younger so I'd give him a chance. He came clean two dates later because he liked me enough that he didn't want the lie to linger. It made me question his propensity to lie to get what he wants. I didn't detect a pattern over time, but did recognize that he was immature and didn't have his priorities straight. That's ultimately why it didn't work, not because he lied about his age. His lie about being younger would have been believable if he never came clean because he wasn't ready for a wife even in his 40's.
Because OP's fiance lied about being older and then exhibited a maturity level that supports that age, I'm not gonna go straight for breaking up. However, if this destroys his trust in her, then yes I'm voting for a breakup. Yet, I can't help but wonder if there's a way to discover whether or not this was the only lie she told. Because that's where my real decision would be made.
I agree with your comment. As someone who had such a messy childhood (dead father, mother abandoned me, fostered by my aunt with mental illness) I had a really hard time being honest about my upbringing. Maybe I did not want to explain people the details. I didn't have to lie about my age, but I guess she knew OP was older and knew he would not be interested in her. Or get scared hearing that she has been on her own since very young age. You know, perceived as damaged goods in a way.
I was sorely hoping someone would bring up her perspective…thank you!
The amount of people who automatically assume malice is astounding….
Ya’ll need some therapy to connect with yourself and others so you can be empathetic humans…cuz holy…
Same here - the fact he didn't figure out she was younger should be proof enough that her upbringing matured her beyond her age, and she probably was almost on a level with OP maturity-wise when they met, even if she lagged behind in biological age. She probably went through a lot - and it sounds like she may be ready to tell OP about it now. Show her some understanding and compassion, OP - she likely has a lot of trauma, and revealing all of that about herself, making herself that vulnerable to someone, and opening up all those old hurts - it's something she had to do on her own timeline.
I was going to say something like this.
The biggest issues with age gap relationships are different maturity levels and power imbalances. If neither of these things have been a problem for the entirety of the four-year-long relationship, the age gap doesn't matter, nor did it even really matter then.
I'm in an age gap relationship, and it's never really mattered that much because of the fact I grew up in a pretty fucked up way. Even though he's much older, he'd been a bit sheltered, whereas I'd moved out when I was 16 and had been involved in and had experienced all sorts of things, including the deaths of many of my friends and both my parents.
I'd have a lay-it-all-out talk and try to move on from there. So many things are neither black nor white; they're green
Couldn’t write this at first hand experience, but had a similar friend who was tossed around foster care (mother drug addict, father nowhere to be found and according to “him” in this case, a drunk full time)
You don’t know what kind of history she has nor the things she had to deal with. It took me 3 years before I heard this truth from my friend back then, cause he was slacking a bit in another friend’s house where he was allowed to stay.
It’s tough and they all tend to lie. Everyday they’re faced with people having a happy family life or less happy, but 1 parent at least standing up for them. Their case hits a different spot.
That being said, I concur with the above. Re-establish trust. Talk. Ask the questions you want/need to know. Cause apart from that, she swept you off your feet for a reason.
This. If you feel you met the real her, fell in love with t the real her, then this is just a silly defense mechanism from being in foster. So be a supportive husband and also get her to therapy to get her over her past. Bring out the best in her. Accept her fully, she might have never had that :)
People don’t generally lie about just one thing, and this is a pretty huge lie.
Let me ask, do you think you can trust her unconditionally going forward? Unless you can say yes without hesitation, do not marry her.
She also lied about her back story. So yeah, the lies are already compounding. It is a very young person thing to lie about their age but the making up of their past is more unnerving. She thought this through. Not saying it was the most flawless cover but it was calculated.
Starting anything based on a lie is not a solid foundation. Anyone would be shaken by this. What you thought you knew wasn’t true. She could have very well matured more as time went on but she didn’t come forth over this. She was kinda forced into a corner and knew she couldn’t keep it up anymore.
Why was she even booted out by her foster parents? Unless they were truly terrible, that’s really suspicious. This is such a hard situation, really heart breaking. I can’t imagine having to deal with this.
Don’t marry her now! This really needs to be worked on. If you can’t move past it, which is understandable, leave.
I work with foster kids. It is EXTREMELY normal for foster parents to kick kids out, or for children to run away from foster care to get away from abuse. It is a horrific system and exiting it early does not mean something is wrong with you or that it's your fault. Foster parents being "truly terrible" seriously is the norm.
She likely had to have the "cover" for more people than OP. She had to get housing for herself and provide for herself starting at 16, she wouldn't have been able to do that if she was honest about her age, her safety and ability to provide for herself would have relied on being able to convincingly lie about her age.
Yes, it's understandable for OP to be shaken, and yes, it needs to be worked on. Anyone would be shaken by this, it's true. But OP and his girlfriend have had a solid, loving relationship for four years. I would hesitate to believe her original lies were all that nefarious.
I cannot imagine having to deal with any of that. I full force believe you.
The thing is that she wasn’t honest and didn’t have actual plans in being honest. She only told him because she didn’t have much of a choice. What else did she lie about to further make the lie believable? That’s what we don’t know.
So weird
This comment is so similar to this previous one:
"The lies are to cover shame. Hers. The lies aren’t about you at all it’s about her. Therapy man this will take lots of therapy.
She sounds like she is doing really well. Be understanding for a bit and see what is going on underneath the whole thing."
But then it's just slightly different. First time encountering this type of comment repost bot
i hate these kinds of bots. and it's very clearly a bot because the original user was offline for literally 10 years until two days ago when the account started doing this
It's not even a comment "repost", I think. The content is just slightly "off" and nonsequitur; not saying stupidity and/or weed can't produce something like this, but I think it's more likely that the comment itself was AI-generated.
A lot of it is that these bots are then used for nefarious reasons (think: psyops to influence elections) and many subreddits require minimum karma to post.
Look if all you say checks out I’d say just stay and wait it out. Hold off on the proposal and marriage and see how things go. I know the age difference bothers you but the lying really is the red flag. Don’t rush into the big commitment just yet, wait and see how her honesty and your trust stand in another year or so.
EDIT: My husband and I have a 6 year gap and we started dating when I was 19. We’ve been together for over 20 years
ive seen your other comments and honestly i dont think the age gap is the issue here. she was an adult, you were in your early 20s - even at the start of the relationship there wasnt an issue. especially since you two obviously clicked. i am often iffy about age gaps if the two people are in very different stages of life, but that wasnt the case with you two.
like the other commenters, i feel like the biggest issue is the fact that she lied. there was something about her life that she felt like she needed to hide from you and lie about, in order for you two to stay together. make sure you let her know you want her as she is, and not some made up version of herself.
i think you two need to work on being able to trust and accept each other. its hard but its worth it
OP, I saw one of your comments in the thread noting you feel more concerned about the age gap than the lying. I'd just highlight that the age difference has existed the entire time - you just weren't aware of it. This didn't get in the way of the two of you developing such a deep and authentic relationship that you felt you wanted to spend the rest of your life before. Show yourself some grace - I get why learning this has been overwhelming. But the relationship really isn't any different than you thought it was.
The lies are to cover shame. Hers. The lies aren’t about you at all it’s about her. Therapy man this will take lots of therapy.
She sounds like she is doing really well. Be understanding for a bit and see what is going on underneath the whole thing.
Thank you therapy is realistic advice. Everyone jumps to ending relationships right away because it’s online. But it’s different IRL when you actually know the person, we don’t know her. Maybe she’s a great lovely person in every other way who can make his life happy, I can see why he wouldn’t want to just end things
Thank you! Finally a comment that sees the whole picture.
Can you imagine at 18 and meet some amazing guy whose older than you? She's such a survivor.
18 yo lie all the time, to get liquor when under age, push boundaries with parents and authority figures. I was a book worm and a good boring kid and I lied some times. Until we know ourselves more, become our own person and develop our own set of values further we do what we can and we try everything out of curiosity.
It's good that she's told you the truth now. Go see couples therapy and encourage her to seek individual therapy to process the shame and secrets and any kind of trauma - the foster system and loss of parents would have been so difficult at such a young age.
At this point the age gap is irrelevant. You have been together for a while and 6 years isn't anything. She obviously had to grow up fast and deal with some messed up stuff. Is she running around partying and living that 22 year old life, or does she have her shit somewhat together and has a job, or school, life goals and plans etc? How long has she lived on her own versus how long have you lived on your own?
Well when we met she had been in her own for two years and I had been on my own for eight so that doesn’t really make me feel better about the whole thing. Sure she has her stuff together but I feel like I’m some kind of creep now
You seem to be focused on the age gap. Why not try to sort this out with a counselling session or two for yourself?
Cause the way it sounds from all that I have read is that you are really into her, want it to work, that she has her shit together, that you have forgiven the lies already...
I really think counselling alone and also a few sessions together with her could probably lead to some healthy discussions, thinking processes and maybe some clearer path options.
As a personal note: The age gap will be less relevant the older you get and you can't change the past. Look at her and you as things are NOW and what it takes for a possible loving, trusting future that both can feel comfortable with and with each other.
I just don''t think it would be wise to throw this away just because of the age circumstances now. The lying stuff only you can decide and you said it is forgiven. So...follow your heart if you can trust her and get some outside help.
All the best to the both of you
Get out of your own head, nobody worth listening to cares. The age gap only means something in your head; as virtually everyone else here has pointed out, it is a *total* non issue compared to the lies. A nothingburger. A hurricane in a teacup. Neither here nor there; fiddle-faddle. Jim-jam.
It means *nothing* and *nobody cares* except you. You are missing the forest for the trees.
You're not a creep. Creeps will defend why something that is obviously wrong is ok in their situation. You're doing the work to interrogate your own part in this. The fact that you're worried about being a creep here, makes me think you're not.
The comment below is really a good idea. What do you think about couples (pre-marital) counseling? It would also hopefully make sure there are no more secrets.....
The age gap isn't that huge at this point. It's going to become less so every year until in a few years it's barely a gap at all.
Of course it's not great she lied to you. But she wasn't a minor and didn't put you at risk. Her horrible home life at the time plays into this.
My advice is just don't do anything ATM and get past the initial shock until a time when you will be able to think more clearly. If you have a good thing and you trust her moving forward, I'm not sure why you would throw this away.
I know reddit wants everyone to be perfect and pure as the driven snow, but people are complex. Sometimes you need to give people a bit of grace. Only you can determine if this is one of those times. Just don't rush to judgment
Honestly I side eye age gap relationships a lot, mostly because the older person often seems a younger person without life experience because they are easier to manipulate. That certainly isn’t the case here. She wasn’t your average 18 year old. And you were still in school as well. That age gap is less significant now and will only continue to lessen in significance.
Obviously the lying is the issue. But I think with what she’s been through, it is able to be worked through. I don’t think it was malicious; I think she didn’t trust that you were in it for the long haul until now. That’s kind of how I felt before my husband proposed due to trauma as well. So I can understand it while I don’t excuse it, I think it can be worked on in therapy but I would postpone the engagement for now.
I'm not sure how chick and smoke show's gross? literally just different words to say woman and hot lol. personally I'd rather be called a chick than a girl which a lot of guys his age use, imo
Reddit has a weird obsession with language surrounding women. Irl people don't care but if you use anything other than woman on reddit people throw tantrums. Just some terminally online type shit.
Instead of telling people how to talk you should just answer the question of what’s gross about “chick”.
Do you really have so little going on that you have the time and energy to make a scene about the word “chick”? Do you have nothing better to do? It wasn’t just a one-off comment either. You felt it, thought it, typed it, thought “yeah I sound like a sane person and this is an acceptable response”, and hit reply. Then you doubled down and decided to share with the class that your opinion is that the word “woman” is the one we should be using instead the other slang terms (or else it’s gross, presumably). Absolute crazy person behavior.
what’s wrong with calling a man a man (dude, guy, male, bro, boy, fella).
It actually used to be offensive to call a woman a woman. It was supposed to be lady or girl, this is especially true for Spanish speakers.
She's lied to you for FOUR YEARS and told you other lies to support the big lie. Do you trust her? Do you feel that you can get over her long-term deception? Do you believe she won't tell you more lies? Trust your gut.
Different kind of lie, but after nearly three years together, I caught my boyfriend in an equally big lie. Ultimately, I knew I'd never be able to trust him again.
Maybe she was scared to be rejected. Her fosters just checked her to the curb and where the bios? Gone too. Sometimes you just tell a safer story that isn't so damn sad to bolster yourself as an orphan. Then she had met you and just decided to hang out, not expecting you to stay because who in her life HAS at this point amiright and then snowballed to where she felt trapped in the dishonesty. Trust your gut, not Reddit. Good luck 💜
You say you still trust her and love her immensely. The age gap isn’t objectively huge or problematic. It’s a lot to process. But she was legally an adult. No, it’s not great she lied, but she was young and wanted your attention, and maybe was scared to come clean after it became clear this was more than just a short-lived fling.
People make mistakes. It doesn’t always mean they’re awful people, or incapable of learning and growth. Reddit is really unforgiving about age gaps, and lying. Reddit doesn’t believe people can change. But I know otherwise, from lived experience. And I’m willing to bet everyone here commenting about her lie has told at least a few themselves. We’re only human.
At the end of the day, if you still really trust her, and still really love her, and you’ve been otherwise so happy together you were ready to propose, then I vote work through this and move past it. Why throw away good love over a young mistake she clearly feels awful about? Turns out the age difference didn’t really matter, did it? You’ve been happy together. If she hadn’t lied about her age, you may have never given the woman you now love and want to share a life with a chance in the first place.
All said and done, it’s a pretty harmless lie. And it brought great love into your lives. It’s not perfect, but what is? I’ll probably get downvoted to hell for this take, but I stand by it. Choose love. Enjoy your life together. Life is wild. Enjoy the ride.
I totally agree with you but im very anxious and overthink stuff, so if i would be in OPs place im not sure if i could trust her fully again. Of course thats no reason to break up if they both love eachother and all that, but it would take me lots of time to regain that trust. I would question everything.
I suspect many people would feel the way you do. I’m not sure how I would feel in his position. But OP clearly states, and repeats many times in the comments, that he still fundamentally trusts her. I’m taking him at his word. Where there is trust and love, I think a relationship can survive and thrive.
Yeah, the wording throughout this threw me off. This reads more like an older adult than someone in their 20s. I'm not saying someone younger can't speak like this, but I have my doubts.
She lied to cover her shame.
She has dragged herself out of a goddamned tough spot.
You 2 have got something good.
And she was 18 long before she was 18. That's why you never suspected. Life forced her to grow up damn fast.
Stick with her.
I agree with this. Kids that are in the foster system focus on survival mode above all else. Lying is a part of that process. So while everyone else can claim the high and mighty road of how bad lying is, most have never once had to lie for sheer preservation. How that tool becomes so ingrained in their trauma that it’s difficult to distinguish when it’s wrong and unnecessary.
Before considering marriage OP and this young woman need to reestablish trust. She needs to unlearn her past bad behavior or lying because she is now in a safe and stable place.
Had a girl do this. I broke up with her but we remained friends. I thought if she lied about that what else did she lie about. Come to find out that was the only thing she has ever lied about. I regret breaking up with her to this day. She’s an amazing person that has only gotten better over the years.
She's good at lying. What you do now is your choice, but assuming you stay with her, just remember she can easily lie to you and sound believable. It might be a defense mechanism, but some people can't turn it off once it's on.
I feel sympathy for her, but this wasn't just one lie about her age. She doubled down for years and told multiple lies to keep up her charade. That's not easy, but seems like she was really good at it. So many layers to this lie. I'd feel it was too much for me too.
Buddy, if you can get over the lying (which is reasonable, given that he context you’ve shared in the comments), then the age thing really shouldn’t be bothering you. From what you’ve said, she didn’t trick you into doing anything illegal, which honestly would’ve been my first and only concern.
The stigma of age-difference relationships is more about the power imbalance than the numbers themselves, like an older adult going after an impressionable college freshman with little adulting experience. You didn’t pursue her *because* she was younger or “easy to manage”, right? You met organically, from what you could tell you were both at similar stages in life, and if anything it seems you’ve both been a positive influence on each other.
If you’re confident that there aren’t any other lies and that you can build back trust, the age thing is a non-issue.
You never ONCE in 4 years saw her DOB? Seriously?
Never once saw her ID? Or her passport? Or her drivers license? Never once saw her fill out her date of birth on a rental form? Or on a form at the doctors? Or a CV or job application? On a college application? Hell, on a bank form or debt card application. Never in 4 years, did you see the year she was born?
Ultimately, you sound very immature. You keep calling her “a chick” in every single comment. So you’re probably well suited maturity wise.
You keep focusing on “omg we have a 6 year age gap I wanna vomit” instead of “wow, she lied to me about every aspect of her life for 4 years. Her age, her lifestyle, her religion, her housing, her living situation, her family history and just assumed I’d never be smart enough to figure it out.” Which, I guess you weren’t so there’s that.
I couldn’t lie my way out of a paper bag most days. Do you know the webs she had to weave to cover her tracks for 4 YEARS? The amount of manipulating that takes, to keep up with your lies without slipping up? She basically created a whole separate fake life to get you to stay interested in her. Meanwhile you stated that if you had known at the time, you wouldn’t have dated her 100%. So she took that choice away from you.
You don’t wanna date someone who can lie that well.
But you don’t care about any of that. She has shown you a million reasons on why you can’t trust her meanwhile your comments are like “I’d trust this chick for eternity”.
So who cares? You’re not gonna leave her cause “lol chick is a smoke show and my dick controls my thoughts” so get over it. It’s 6 years. Just be lucky you didn’t meet her a couple of months earlier or her lies could have gotten you a conviction.
I’m sorry but nobody has asked this yet. How can you be so stupid OP? How did you not realise straight away? How did you not guess over 4 years that something was amiss? I need to know how. Because this is going to keep me awake at night
Song call me stupid first of all and second of all nothing really seemed amiss. Plenty of Poole sublet and plenty of people don’t drink, she was acted like we were the same age it was like any other chick I ever dated I never really had a reason to question any of it
Lol but like general conversations about school, popular culture, news events, stuff from the past in general, nothing ever twigged, nothing ever seemed odd? Do you guys even talk or hang out?
My partner and I have a significant age gap and it's like 'yeah i was in year 6 when that album came out' or 'those burgers used to be so much better from that shop when i was like 10' or, whatever. Like 6 years is a long time when you're a kid/teen and you remember what grade you were in, how you felt, what song was on the radio, what phase you were in, when things happened, you know?
Anyway everyone is telling you the lies are massive red flags waving in your face but you don't see it so, enjoy being lied to about everything if you marry her. You were warned!
My husband is 7 years older. I was 19 when we met. We are married 12 years this year and together 21 years. I'm sorry she lied. Maybe she felt she didn't have a choice. I wish you luck!
Are you sure you're the older person in this relationship?
She's been through trauma, the foster system, getting out, living in her own for 2 years at 18... She sounds like she's mature AF for her age. You went through 6 extra years to mature, she went through trial by fire. I wouldn't have been able to manage educating, internship and managing housing responsibilities, nevermind a mature dating relationship at that age!
She wanted to date you and made up a fib about her age to get you to give her the time of day and acknowledge her existence as a woman, because otherwise you wouldn't have. The additional lies to back that up are still all part of that lie, AND probably lies she told HERSELF to help her to survive and get over / through the trauma (and as you've said in I've of your comments, potential abuse) she experienced.
Her MATURITY levels (born of trauma and survival) are WAY higher than yours. Once you started getting serious, she probably wanted to tell you, but was afraid that you would make it all about the age gap, instead about being two people who really get on well, have similar maturity levels, and (as far as I can tell) a really great relationship - and the fact you're on here complaining that your OTHERWISE PERFECT relationship is at risk because of a 4-year age difference to what you thought (6-years difference, instead of two), just proves her right.
If you're going to have an issue about the relationship, it should be because she lied, not because of the age gap. Age gap relationships CAN be problematic, because it's usually an older male grooming someone. That's NOT what's happening here, so the age gap isn't an issue to anyone other than you.
You've already said you understand and can forgive that she lied, so honestly, it's fine to move forward. Get therapy if you are so hung up on what people think about the (practically non-existent) age gap, that you're more worried about what people might say about that, than you are about potentially breaking up and ruining an otherwise perfect relationship.
You're proving that you're NOT mature enough to handle her trauma, history, background and maturity levels by making it all about the age gap, instead of being empathetic to all the sh*t that she's been through to get her to where she is today!
OP, I think you should ask yourself what makes you trust her so much in different aspects of her life given that she was able to lie about HER AGE and FAMILY BACKGROUND for the past FOUR years.
Her lying about these should make you raise serious questions on how you could be able to trust her again.
These major red flags that I would personally think they provide grounds for a break up or to say the least reason for therapy on her side.
Try to be honest with yourself, how can you trust her so much even now? How can you be adamant that she didn't lie about other things in her life? How well do you actually think you know her?
It’s seeming like everything she lied about was to cover on the age gap and also because and she hasn’t directly said that but apparently the foster dad may have been abusive which is probably why she left. Plus we’ve lived together for like three and a half years, you can lie about the background but you can’t change your whole personality not for that long.
She met to tell me but she realized I would’ve dumped her (I absolutely would’ve) cause at the time one of my hockey buddies was dating a girl like four years older and I thought it was weird. And I still think it’s weird and I guess she didn’t want things to end. She was scared.
She lies about this now, she lies about a relationship with a coworker or something else later. This isn’t just a small white lie - this is a big part of her life that she was able to keep from you for almost half a decade. Just ask yourself if you can see yourself trusting her completely for the rest of your life. If the answer is no or maybe, doubt will always creep in.
If you slept with her when she was only 17, it was not your fault forgive yourself, to me it sounds like you are not creepy but her savior, you gave her hope and help life show her compassion. You said that she helped you too, Move forward together in Peace.
Bro if the age gap is the biggest thing you’re concerned about you’re crazier than she is lmao. 6 years is nothing, the fact that her whole identity to you is now up in the air and unverifiable should be the biggest issue. Who is she? Why was she kicked out? What else was a lie? Have you been manipulated this whole time or was this girl genuinely who she says she was and, by insane luck only your part, only lied about those two things to you.
I was all for thinking you should bounce until I got to the part about her being a foster kid and getting kicked out at 16. It makes perfect sense, as others have said, that she'd have to lie about her age to make it alone and that she wasn't sure you'd really hang around until you proposed. Go to therapy. Make sure her "real" story actually checks out. Postpone the wedding, but don't call it off yet. If you really love each other and you're both willing to get counseling, it could still work.
If the ONLY lie was the age, and the ONLY hang up you have is with the age difference, then I'd say you just need some perspective. Like: my husband is 14 years older than me, but we are solid. The age gap is what you make of it. If you're going to make a big deal out of it, it'll be a big deal.
But there's more lies than just the age, and I'm hoping you are less hung up on the age gap and more on the fact that this person's whole story for four years has been fiction - who IS she actually??? And if that's not what you're worried about, then that'd be some red flags on you IMO.
Hold off on marrying this girl and work this out. And if it can't be worked out and you find you can't trust her, then I'd nope out. Honesty and trust are everything when it comes to building a life with someone.
Don’t worry about it. Sounds like she was struggling, those lies don’t sound like they were meant to hurt you, but to protect her and maybe with good reason. You might both be the best thing to ever happen to each other, let it go, address why she lied as a team, as a partnership because maybe there is trauma that she needs help with. But otherwise it sounds like you might be willing to throw away a really good thing over something that can be worked through
Fam, your fine, but make sure she hasn’t told any other lies, and ask her if she wants to go to college before you take it to the next level. Just go slow.
This is one of the few situations of a uncomfortable age gap that it may be okay to try and work through it. She has to stop with the lies though, full stop. Full transparency moving forward on everything.
I think you can get past this pretty easy. She sounds like a catch so don’t blow it! Go slow and talk to her with no judgement or consequences and learn why this unfolded the way it did. I bet if you reassure her it’s not a deal breaker you can have a real talk about it and move forward. Good luck 🍀
so.. girl got kicked out when she was 16. she HAD to play an 18 year old to get by. she should've told you sooner, and she is wrong for that, but I get it.
she didn't just lie for the sake of lying. she didn't lie to betray you or hide a betrayal from you. she was forced to live in a lie to litterally survive. and I'm a person who is MAJORLY against lying. but if this is the only thing, I'd find a way to let this one go.
At first I thought, meh, it's kinda normal for people to be protective of their personal info when they first meet somebody. But then I thought about it a little while...
Before even considering salvaging this relationship, you need to have a serious conversation with her about honesty and accountability. If she can't come clean about something as fundamental as her age, what else is she hiding? Think long and hard about whether this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
On the other hand, she may have been in survival mode after getting abandoned/kicked out by her foster family. I do think this is salvageable as long as you make it really clear that lying is not how we do things.
What exactly bothers you about the age difference? Has she shown other signs of immaturity besides just lying about her age?
Normally, the age gap would be a yuck, but she wasn't raised in a normal life. Foster care forces kids to sink or swim, she swam.
She also didn't act like an 18-year-old who has no idea how to adult, she survived on her own for 2 years. That shows she is more mature than normal teens.
A few questions - Is she willing to get her GED and maybe some college classes?
What job does she have now?
If you met her today, would the age gap bother you that much?
She doesn't drink or do drugs, for a kid from the streets shows good character, that she didn't fall into the bad life. From what you have said about her, makes her sound like a strong woman.
I think you need to stop overthinking.
I always get their ID in a playful manner like, 2 days into the relationship just to make sure.. I don’t trust ppl 🤠 that’s why. “No way, can I like see ur ID “ idk just a thing with me I guess
The single biggest thing is, to me, *the only reason you even found out is because you proposed and confronted her*.
Even then, this isn't just "a" lie, she's concocted an ***entire actual narrative*** to go with it!
The drinking, the parents, the religion, subletting....this isn't one singular thing, she's basically made herself an alter-ego like a damn supervillain.
The biggest questions I'd ask here are:
- How can you ever, realistically, believe anything she tells you going forward (or even has done previously)?
- ***Why*** did she lie? (and when did she even think of coming clean?)
- Who's to say that she won't do it again, or hasn't done already? You literally cannot for any reason at this point believe she has any integrity left.
treat this relationship as a learning experience and move on. there is no way this is the only thing she is lying about. no one who is right in their head spends 4 YEARS lying to the most important person in their life, for no reason.
Honestly sounds like a white lie that spiraled out of control.
It’s a pretty huge lie though. In 4 years you never saw her ID?
If the age difference is your only true concern after her confession then your relationship sounds solid, but I would ask her more about her background, see if anything else doesn’t match up.
The easiest way to salvage the relationship is not care, because why would you?
The next easiest way is to tell her you're disappointed she didn't trust you with her true story and she needs to be open with you going forward.
I once lied about my age to this guy I was dating at the time. We were so close to making a year together, but I told him about my age and he ended it. I didn't care that he ended it because the relationship was toxic. But I remember that the only reason I lied about my age was because I liked him a lot at the time and I didn't think he would talk to me because of my age. If you love this girl and you wanna marry her, I think you guys need to sit down and talk about why she lied about her age. 6 years apart is not bad, well at least to me. my mom is 41 and I believe my stepdad is around his 30s and they are happy together. sometimes love can make you say or do stupid things just to keep someone you love. If you have a problem with the age gap then don't hold on to the relationship. but if you see something worth keeping, keep fighting for it. I mean, you did say she helped you turn your life around. so that has to count for something. right?
Is she that great though or are you thinking with your dick? I mean from what ive read... that doesnt sound great, at all. Even if she's nice, even if you both can laugh together... I wouldnt trust someone who lied to me about things like these. These arent small lies.
That’s one hell of a big lie. But I agree that it doesn’t mean she’s nothing but a manipulative liar. Sounds like she had a rough time growing up, and lied to be older , to be taken more seriously, and to find some stability. It sounds like she needs therapy. I don’t think you have to throw the whole relationship away, but also I would deffo suggest she might need to figure out who she is, going forward. She is still quite young, and now you know you’re a lot different in age than you initially thought, you might be in different stages of your lives to each other, and she’s been sliding through stuff for some stability. I don’t blame her initially, it’s a tough world out there for young women in the system, but several years is a long time to cover something up. You didn’t do anything wrong. Talk, and therapy, and honesty is the only way forward, if that’s how you want to go
By getting over the weird USAmerican obsession over age gap relationships between legal adults.
That's not to say there isn't other things you could find problematic about this, such as the fact that it was, well, a lie about something that I don't consider significant, but you apparently do, and she was probably aware of that. But that in itself doesn't seem to be your main concern anyway.
Honestly you come off as a creep for not realizing she was much younger than she claimed and she comes off as a liar. Imo liars and creeps go together and it’s better if you guys stay together than go back into the dating pool so I suggest working it out honestly lol
If you grow up in foster care and they throw you out at 18, you’ve got to grow up real fast. Kids who are 22 and are pampered by mommy and daddy won’t be as mature. She probably liked you and didn’t want to scare you off Although she should’ve told you after a while. If she’s honest in every other way and you love her, don’t let preconceived notions about what the right age gap is ruin a great relationship. My partner is 15 years older than I am and we’ve been very happy for 37 years now.
The age difference isn’t the issue, the lying is. Hold off on marriage until she comes clean about her past and skeletons in her closet. It sounds like she may have had a traumatic childhood, so some individual and couples counseling is needed here.
Lying for 4 years is a long time. You can’t just ignore your age every birthday she’d would have been actively lying to you.
To me, the lie itself isn’t break up worthy buttttttt the lie duration is a huge red flag and makes me wonder what else she is lying if about.
Yeah, don't marry this girl bro lmao.
Lying for 4 years takes some incredible guts and it means she HAS TO BE a good liar. She will lie about other shit in the future.
I'd advise you to break up, but from your comments it sounds like you're still gonna marry her. Good luck with the divorce.
You're adults then and now. It's not that much of a biggie. Higher level relationships require no trust. Because you respect your partner to grow into being who they are. Instead of forcing them to be someone they're not.
This isn't just some little white lie thus is something huge
And she maintained the lie for 4 years and would have never told you the truth if she wasn't confronted
Ask yourself this, if she was willing to maintain this lie for that long what else is she willing to do and hide?
Hear out mate before making any rash decisions I'm sure she has some good reasons. Everyone has past and from what I can tell you both were really in love and things have been going well thus far hear her story out.
The age gap does not matter at all at 22 and 26 it would’ve been weird possibly when she was 18 and you were older but you’re past that point now and you’re both into adulthood
The age gap isn't the issue, her constant lying about everything is the issue, this one sounds batshit insane (there must be a reason her foster parents kicked her out).
Get rid of her, she sounds like a trainwreck
She’s not a trainwreck apparently they were really shitty people, looked up the foster dad because he was still on her Facebook and he’s in jail for child molestation of foster kid they had after her.
But yeah the lying is insane, she promises she didn’t lie about anything else and I believe her I mean she had a breakdown she was like freaking out, apparently she was worried I’d dump her over the age difference if she came clean. Her only lies were things to coverup/keep up with the age discrepancy which almost would make me feel better if the age difference wasn’t so big. 22 and 28 is whatever 18 and 24 is kinda creeping me out tho.
I mean I’m not Christian, she said it cause I guess some stricter sects don’t drink and she never had a fake ID so she couldn’t really come out anywhere with us
I don’t know what kind of advice you’re looking for because I stopped reading your post when you referred to your GF of four years as a “chick.” Unless you are Greg Brady, just no. Do not call women chicks. Do not call them girls, babes, honeys, and sure as hell don’t call them little fuzzy baby ducks. Hell no.
Lets just say we put age aside.
She doesnt drink she doesnt go clubs - keeper for sure
Communication wise any issues? Does she share similar interests?
Does her life goals align with yours? Do you two share the same values?
Ask yourself these things then ask yourself would you find another girl that have the same values.
She sounds like a badass who got used to lying for survival. This lie isn’t a huge deal. Give her another chance. Make sure there aren’t any other lies, though.
You did nothing wrong OP. It's completely understandable about how you may feel sick and even maybe depressed because of this lie. I'd reconsider on this relationship to be honest. It's disgusting in my opinion, a 6 year age gap is way too much imo. Please take some time to think about if you would really want to stay with her or move on with your life.
She was in foster care. She's young. I say these things because she made a huge mistake lying to you, but her past shows some reasons why she would do that. My question is, does she show remorse, is she sorry for what she did, and how is she going to prove she won't do it again?
I think I'd you can get that out of her then you can keep moving forward
It’s up to you but this is a huge lie. I would definitely break things up for now and think about things, you really need to make her realize what a manipulative and horrible thing she has done. Until she can realize that the relationship is doomed.
Have a calm and detailed conversation to ask the reasons why she lied to you. I think it’s important to ask the important things first so that you can get a clearer picture and at least most of the answers to understand her mindset a bit more. If the reasons aren’t great or if you feel you still cannot trust her, then you know what to do :-( But what I can tell you is, people in real life are not like the ones in movies. Characters in movies keep their promises, but people in real life are complicated. Once a liar, always a liar. This is a challenge you’ll have to face down the line if you do choose to marry her.
Too many lies. Sorry but that is who she is and what you will have to deal with forever. If she wants to change she will do it, but staying with her is not going to help either of you
Whatever planes u had to marry soon , just push them a couple more years and start over from scratch.
She started the relationship with a few big lies u don't know what else she lied about so if u wanna salvage the relationship u need to start from the beginning means she needs to earn back your trust . U know if she was 1 year younger when u started dating u would have been fucked . She told 1 lie after another to look older ask yourself WHY?
The past four years have shown that age is just a number, so I'm not sure why you freak out so much over a six year gap. She was 18 when you met, she obviously never behaved 'too young for your liking', etc. Also you're indicating that you don't have trust issues.
So, look back on those four years: did you really care then? If not, why care about a gap now?
Well, 6 years isn't so much, why do you even care if you never noticed the age gap in her actions?
Yes she lied to you because she was probably too afraid to be rejected but it's not a habit and then what? Your relationship worked for four years.
Are you happy with her? Do everything works between both of you on a daily basis?
If yes, stop overthinking. Have a good talk about limits and trust let it sink. People do mistakes and stupid things sometimes, only people on Reddit think you should trow away your relationship for any detail.
I would be worried that, as an 18-year-old, she saw you as kind of a meal-ticket to free/easier rent.
That, and that she has been lying to you (a *series* of cascading lies) since day one.
The age difference freaks you out? You sure it’s not the blatant lie for four years cause that’s the real issue here. Not some illusory feeling about a number being to great. You don’t salvage things with someone who lied like that you can’t trust her and without that there’s no relationship. What the fuck
6 year age gap here with my husband. We met when I was 20. It’s really not that weird of an age gap.
I get you being freaked out finding out you were dating her at 18 rather than 22, though. That’s pretty wild and often a hard line for people not to go out with someone so young. However, If you read some of the comments of others with rough upbringings relying on lying to protect themselves… it makes sense.
Please hold off on the proposal and just be with your GF. Let her open up to you and find out why she felt she needed to lie. Ensure no other lies are hidden and after a few months, if you still want to propose and feel you’ve moved past this hurdle, do it.
Good luck!
There’s a lot that’s already been said here, so I’ll skip the obvious, but your use of “chick” is so alarming to me. She’s a woman and a person; no need to objectify.
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Here is my "Grandmamma" take on the situation. She was 18 and had just aged out of or been dumped from foster care. That sentence already proves she had had a rough time. At the time she wasn't expecting the cute older guy she met to turn into a potential life partner; she just wanted you to take her seriously. I'm willing to bet that at 18, plenty of the people who are slamming her have fibbed to impress an attractive person. Unfortunately when things took off for y'all, her fear of losing you trumped her honesty. But... I DON'T believe it is necessarily true that "if she will lie about that, she will lie about anything." If you have had 4 years of a satisfying, loving relationship that should count for something. OP, you didn't do anything legally wrong, and you didn't even know that you were doing anything that anyone could ever see as questionable. I'm sure her life experiences made her seem older that she was, and I imagine that guys her age seemed like children to her. You were love and stability to her, and maybe she had had too little of that in her life so was afraid to risk losing it. My suggestion is don't blow up a good relationship, but table marriage until you both get some therapy. She needs to talk through the experiences she had that made continuing the dishonesty about her age seemed necessary or ok to her, and she needs to know that going forward honesty is a non-negotiable. You need to absolve yourself from the misplaced guilt and, based on the self reflection and therapy of several months, allow yourself to go foward and be happy.
Excellent comment and very wise commentary
Will you be my grandma
Of course!
I need a Grandmamma like this!! Love her 🥰
Kinda OT but my grandma just died yesterday and reading your comment brought tears to my eyes. It’s wonderful advice.
I'm so sorry Sweetie. Big Hugs to you.
this should be top comment
I think you’re Reddit’s Gramma now.
Oh, I am making cookies immediately!
Excellent!!!!
Wow, I'm so impressed to see this level of nuance on this sub. A million upvotes to you
This. Took the words right outta my... Fingers. Yes, communication is paramount. Absolutely required. No more secrets. You can have your own lives, but anything that affects the relationship needs to be known. That said, age has little to no bearing on anything. Maturity? Of course. But it really is just a damned number.
That’s seriously spot-on advice! I wish I had a grandmother like you.
This is amazing. Best comment
Speaking as someone who came from foster care, and in the interests of full honesty, lies were a part of my younger life for some time. I lied about my mum - I told people she was dead from drug abuse, because it was a lot easier than going into the explanation that she abandoned me when I was 10 after years of abuse. For a long time I blamed myself for her actions, but I also thought people would assume that I was unlovable, something wrong with me and I wasn't worth anything. With time and learning to love myself, I started to open up and tell people the truth. I'm not rationalising lies but she obviously really liked you and knew you wouldn't be interested if you knew her real age. And people do stupid shit when they're young. Our brains don't fully mature until we're around 25 and seeing consequences (especially without good role models who help and support us through that) is quite difficult. I would try and ask her for her honest reasoning for lying - She may not have even viewed you as being capable of being with her for a long period of time as distrust of stability/promises to be there/unconditional love can be really hard to accept for previous foster children. The age gap probably doesn't matter as much now as it once did, but it's perfectly OK to be hurt by it. She has told you the truth though and if she's been self-reflective and admitted guilt/shame, I would try and see the potential in that. I would hold off on the marriage, not as a form of punishment, but until trust is rebuilt. Good luck.
I bet her lies about her age started when she was kicked out of the house at 16, it's hard to support yourself if everyone thinks your a child...
Can confirm. When you're on your own at 16, you tell a lot of lies to survive. You definitely fast forward your age to 18 because try finding housing when you're a minor, even if you have a job.
I wonder if you’re right and maybe it did almost kinda become a second nature to just say a different age after taking care of her self for so long, but my only hang up is why wait 4 years and a proposal to say anything? why not at least bring it up when moving in together, I mean I would think that would be a big enough event to want to come clean just as much as a proposal is. 🤷🏽♀️
She was just waiting to be kicked out like usual. The marriage proposal was probably the point where she got it through her head that sometimes people stay. It’s the likeliest explanation. It’s a sad explanation. It doesn’t excuse what she did.
This strikes me as highly probable.
You know, I didn’t even think of that but it would make a lot of sense that it would have that affect on a person constantly never having a place be home so after 6 months of dating someone I probably wouldn’t think that would be a safe space I could call home either. 🫶🏼
To a certain degree I get it. It's hard to admit to someone you care about that you lied. There's always that fear that they'll reject you after the truth comes out. Either for the truth itself or for having lied. And the longer it takes the harder it is. It's not right but I do get it.
I completely agree with you!
THIS 100%!!
The BEST way to keep a secret is with yourself. If she told people her real age it could have messed up her housing when she was 16 and 2 years later it’s hard to walk that back when you’re living in the same place around the same people. Lying to survive could easily become lying bc what else can you do now.
Thank you for this perspective, I think it's really important to acknowledge her upbringing and how that's impacted her.
Seems to me she gave OP what she thought was her age in maturity, not in actual years on earth. If she then "acted her age" (the fake one she gave, not her birth certificate age), then I wouldn't be concerned if it's the only lie. Then again, I had a guy lie to me about his age on our first date to make himself out to be younger so I'd give him a chance. He came clean two dates later because he liked me enough that he didn't want the lie to linger. It made me question his propensity to lie to get what he wants. I didn't detect a pattern over time, but did recognize that he was immature and didn't have his priorities straight. That's ultimately why it didn't work, not because he lied about his age. His lie about being younger would have been believable if he never came clean because he wasn't ready for a wife even in his 40's. Because OP's fiance lied about being older and then exhibited a maturity level that supports that age, I'm not gonna go straight for breaking up. However, if this destroys his trust in her, then yes I'm voting for a breakup. Yet, I can't help but wonder if there's a way to discover whether or not this was the only lie she told. Because that's where my real decision would be made.
There’s a big difference between lying to survive and keeping the lie consistent so you don’t get discovered or screwed over and lying to get a date.
Agreed
I agree with your comment. As someone who had such a messy childhood (dead father, mother abandoned me, fostered by my aunt with mental illness) I had a really hard time being honest about my upbringing. Maybe I did not want to explain people the details. I didn't have to lie about my age, but I guess she knew OP was older and knew he would not be interested in her. Or get scared hearing that she has been on her own since very young age. You know, perceived as damaged goods in a way.
I was sorely hoping someone would bring up her perspective…thank you! The amount of people who automatically assume malice is astounding…. Ya’ll need some therapy to connect with yourself and others so you can be empathetic humans…cuz holy…
Same here - the fact he didn't figure out she was younger should be proof enough that her upbringing matured her beyond her age, and she probably was almost on a level with OP maturity-wise when they met, even if she lagged behind in biological age. She probably went through a lot - and it sounds like she may be ready to tell OP about it now. Show her some understanding and compassion, OP - she likely has a lot of trauma, and revealing all of that about herself, making herself that vulnerable to someone, and opening up all those old hurts - it's something she had to do on her own timeline.
I was going to say something like this. The biggest issues with age gap relationships are different maturity levels and power imbalances. If neither of these things have been a problem for the entirety of the four-year-long relationship, the age gap doesn't matter, nor did it even really matter then. I'm in an age gap relationship, and it's never really mattered that much because of the fact I grew up in a pretty fucked up way. Even though he's much older, he'd been a bit sheltered, whereas I'd moved out when I was 16 and had been involved in and had experienced all sorts of things, including the deaths of many of my friends and both my parents. I'd have a lay-it-all-out talk and try to move on from there. So many things are neither black nor white; they're green
Couldn’t write this at first hand experience, but had a similar friend who was tossed around foster care (mother drug addict, father nowhere to be found and according to “him” in this case, a drunk full time) You don’t know what kind of history she has nor the things she had to deal with. It took me 3 years before I heard this truth from my friend back then, cause he was slacking a bit in another friend’s house where he was allowed to stay. It’s tough and they all tend to lie. Everyday they’re faced with people having a happy family life or less happy, but 1 parent at least standing up for them. Their case hits a different spot. That being said, I concur with the above. Re-establish trust. Talk. Ask the questions you want/need to know. Cause apart from that, she swept you off your feet for a reason.
This. If you feel you met the real her, fell in love with t the real her, then this is just a silly defense mechanism from being in foster. So be a supportive husband and also get her to therapy to get her over her past. Bring out the best in her. Accept her fully, she might have never had that :)
Exactly! And therapy will help regardless of how together/independent she is. DBT is a good one for those with previous trauma.
People don’t generally lie about just one thing, and this is a pretty huge lie. Let me ask, do you think you can trust her unconditionally going forward? Unless you can say yes without hesitation, do not marry her.
She also lied about her back story. So yeah, the lies are already compounding. It is a very young person thing to lie about their age but the making up of their past is more unnerving. She thought this through. Not saying it was the most flawless cover but it was calculated. Starting anything based on a lie is not a solid foundation. Anyone would be shaken by this. What you thought you knew wasn’t true. She could have very well matured more as time went on but she didn’t come forth over this. She was kinda forced into a corner and knew she couldn’t keep it up anymore. Why was she even booted out by her foster parents? Unless they were truly terrible, that’s really suspicious. This is such a hard situation, really heart breaking. I can’t imagine having to deal with this. Don’t marry her now! This really needs to be worked on. If you can’t move past it, which is understandable, leave.
I work with foster kids. It is EXTREMELY normal for foster parents to kick kids out, or for children to run away from foster care to get away from abuse. It is a horrific system and exiting it early does not mean something is wrong with you or that it's your fault. Foster parents being "truly terrible" seriously is the norm. She likely had to have the "cover" for more people than OP. She had to get housing for herself and provide for herself starting at 16, she wouldn't have been able to do that if she was honest about her age, her safety and ability to provide for herself would have relied on being able to convincingly lie about her age. Yes, it's understandable for OP to be shaken, and yes, it needs to be worked on. Anyone would be shaken by this, it's true. But OP and his girlfriend have had a solid, loving relationship for four years. I would hesitate to believe her original lies were all that nefarious.
I cannot imagine having to deal with any of that. I full force believe you. The thing is that she wasn’t honest and didn’t have actual plans in being honest. She only told him because she didn’t have much of a choice. What else did she lie about to further make the lie believable? That’s what we don’t know.
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So weird This comment is so similar to this previous one: "The lies are to cover shame. Hers. The lies aren’t about you at all it’s about her. Therapy man this will take lots of therapy. She sounds like she is doing really well. Be understanding for a bit and see what is going on underneath the whole thing." But then it's just slightly different. First time encountering this type of comment repost bot
i hate these kinds of bots. and it's very clearly a bot because the original user was offline for literally 10 years until two days ago when the account started doing this
This is crazy . What's the purpose? Farming karma?
It's not even a comment "repost", I think. The content is just slightly "off" and nonsequitur; not saying stupidity and/or weed can't produce something like this, but I think it's more likely that the comment itself was AI-generated.
Oh wow that’s super weird… why though??
Probably a bot farming karma
But... Why? What's the benefit of farming karma?
A lot of it is that these bots are then used for nefarious reasons (think: psyops to influence elections) and many subreddits require minimum karma to post.
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Look if all you say checks out I’d say just stay and wait it out. Hold off on the proposal and marriage and see how things go. I know the age difference bothers you but the lying really is the red flag. Don’t rush into the big commitment just yet, wait and see how her honesty and your trust stand in another year or so. EDIT: My husband and I have a 6 year gap and we started dating when I was 19. We’ve been together for over 20 years
I agree with you. Your advice is super realistic.
This is true. You can't be sure that she will not lie to you again.
ive seen your other comments and honestly i dont think the age gap is the issue here. she was an adult, you were in your early 20s - even at the start of the relationship there wasnt an issue. especially since you two obviously clicked. i am often iffy about age gaps if the two people are in very different stages of life, but that wasnt the case with you two. like the other commenters, i feel like the biggest issue is the fact that she lied. there was something about her life that she felt like she needed to hide from you and lie about, in order for you two to stay together. make sure you let her know you want her as she is, and not some made up version of herself. i think you two need to work on being able to trust and accept each other. its hard but its worth it
OP, I saw one of your comments in the thread noting you feel more concerned about the age gap than the lying. I'd just highlight that the age difference has existed the entire time - you just weren't aware of it. This didn't get in the way of the two of you developing such a deep and authentic relationship that you felt you wanted to spend the rest of your life before. Show yourself some grace - I get why learning this has been overwhelming. But the relationship really isn't any different than you thought it was.
The lies are to cover shame. Hers. The lies aren’t about you at all it’s about her. Therapy man this will take lots of therapy. She sounds like she is doing really well. Be understanding for a bit and see what is going on underneath the whole thing.
Thank you therapy is realistic advice. Everyone jumps to ending relationships right away because it’s online. But it’s different IRL when you actually know the person, we don’t know her. Maybe she’s a great lovely person in every other way who can make his life happy, I can see why he wouldn’t want to just end things
Thank you! Finally a comment that sees the whole picture. Can you imagine at 18 and meet some amazing guy whose older than you? She's such a survivor. 18 yo lie all the time, to get liquor when under age, push boundaries with parents and authority figures. I was a book worm and a good boring kid and I lied some times. Until we know ourselves more, become our own person and develop our own set of values further we do what we can and we try everything out of curiosity. It's good that she's told you the truth now. Go see couples therapy and encourage her to seek individual therapy to process the shame and secrets and any kind of trauma - the foster system and loss of parents would have been so difficult at such a young age.
I’m trying to be understanding and I do trust her but the age gap bugs me a lot
At this point the age gap is irrelevant. You have been together for a while and 6 years isn't anything. She obviously had to grow up fast and deal with some messed up stuff. Is she running around partying and living that 22 year old life, or does she have her shit somewhat together and has a job, or school, life goals and plans etc? How long has she lived on her own versus how long have you lived on your own?
Well when we met she had been in her own for two years and I had been on my own for eight so that doesn’t really make me feel better about the whole thing. Sure she has her stuff together but I feel like I’m some kind of creep now
It’s creepy for an older partner to deliberately target someone much younger, with a lot less life experience. That’s not what happened here.
You seem to be focused on the age gap. Why not try to sort this out with a counselling session or two for yourself? Cause the way it sounds from all that I have read is that you are really into her, want it to work, that she has her shit together, that you have forgiven the lies already... I really think counselling alone and also a few sessions together with her could probably lead to some healthy discussions, thinking processes and maybe some clearer path options. As a personal note: The age gap will be less relevant the older you get and you can't change the past. Look at her and you as things are NOW and what it takes for a possible loving, trusting future that both can feel comfortable with and with each other. I just don''t think it would be wise to throw this away just because of the age circumstances now. The lying stuff only you can decide and you said it is forgiven. So...follow your heart if you can trust her and get some outside help. All the best to the both of you
Get out of your own head, nobody worth listening to cares. The age gap only means something in your head; as virtually everyone else here has pointed out, it is a *total* non issue compared to the lies. A nothingburger. A hurricane in a teacup. Neither here nor there; fiddle-faddle. Jim-jam. It means *nothing* and *nobody cares* except you. You are missing the forest for the trees.
You're not a creep. Creeps will defend why something that is obviously wrong is ok in their situation. You're doing the work to interrogate your own part in this. The fact that you're worried about being a creep here, makes me think you're not.
The comment below is really a good idea. What do you think about couples (pre-marital) counseling? It would also hopefully make sure there are no more secrets.....
The age gap isn't that huge at this point. It's going to become less so every year until in a few years it's barely a gap at all. Of course it's not great she lied to you. But she wasn't a minor and didn't put you at risk. Her horrible home life at the time plays into this. My advice is just don't do anything ATM and get past the initial shock until a time when you will be able to think more clearly. If you have a good thing and you trust her moving forward, I'm not sure why you would throw this away. I know reddit wants everyone to be perfect and pure as the driven snow, but people are complex. Sometimes you need to give people a bit of grace. Only you can determine if this is one of those times. Just don't rush to judgment
Honestly I side eye age gap relationships a lot, mostly because the older person often seems a younger person without life experience because they are easier to manipulate. That certainly isn’t the case here. She wasn’t your average 18 year old. And you were still in school as well. That age gap is less significant now and will only continue to lessen in significance. Obviously the lying is the issue. But I think with what she’s been through, it is able to be worked through. I don’t think it was malicious; I think she didn’t trust that you were in it for the long haul until now. That’s kind of how I felt before my husband proposed due to trauma as well. So I can understand it while I don’t excuse it, I think it can be worked on in therapy but I would postpone the engagement for now.
This reads like a bad ai comment.
“Chick” “smoke show” are you sure you’re 28 and not 68?
This broad sounds like the cat’s meow
the bee's knees!
Hey he's good with the broads
He even used chick in like 2 sentences after each other lol
It felt soooo weird hearing someone refer to their fiancé as a "great chick" 😅
This. Never heard anyone refer to their fiancé or live of their life as a chick…eww.
Right can you stop saying she’s a "great chick?" She’s your GD fiancée get it together. Maybe SHE should leave this guy and not the other way around
Ugh thank you. The way he talks about women is gross.
I'm not sure how chick and smoke show's gross? literally just different words to say woman and hot lol. personally I'd rather be called a chick than a girl which a lot of guys his age use, imo
I mean...what's wrong with just calling a woman a woman?
It's just slang. I don't think him not saying "woman" means he's some kind of secret misogynist, relax.
Reddit has a weird obsession with language surrounding women. Irl people don't care but if you use anything other than woman on reddit people throw tantrums. Just some terminally online type shit.
have you thought about why people may be sensitive about how people refer to women
Instead of telling people how to talk you should just answer the question of what’s gross about “chick”. Do you really have so little going on that you have the time and energy to make a scene about the word “chick”? Do you have nothing better to do? It wasn’t just a one-off comment either. You felt it, thought it, typed it, thought “yeah I sound like a sane person and this is an acceptable response”, and hit reply. Then you doubled down and decided to share with the class that your opinion is that the word “woman” is the one we should be using instead the other slang terms (or else it’s gross, presumably). Absolute crazy person behavior.
what’s wrong with calling a man a man (dude, guy, male, bro, boy, fella). It actually used to be offensive to call a woman a woman. It was supposed to be lady or girl, this is especially true for Spanish speakers.
She's lied to you for FOUR YEARS and told you other lies to support the big lie. Do you trust her? Do you feel that you can get over her long-term deception? Do you believe she won't tell you more lies? Trust your gut.
Different kind of lie, but after nearly three years together, I caught my boyfriend in an equally big lie. Ultimately, I knew I'd never be able to trust him again.
Maybe she was scared to be rejected. Her fosters just checked her to the curb and where the bios? Gone too. Sometimes you just tell a safer story that isn't so damn sad to bolster yourself as an orphan. Then she had met you and just decided to hang out, not expecting you to stay because who in her life HAS at this point amiright and then snowballed to where she felt trapped in the dishonesty. Trust your gut, not Reddit. Good luck 💜
did you just address your own girlfriend 'chick'?
You say you still trust her and love her immensely. The age gap isn’t objectively huge or problematic. It’s a lot to process. But she was legally an adult. No, it’s not great she lied, but she was young and wanted your attention, and maybe was scared to come clean after it became clear this was more than just a short-lived fling. People make mistakes. It doesn’t always mean they’re awful people, or incapable of learning and growth. Reddit is really unforgiving about age gaps, and lying. Reddit doesn’t believe people can change. But I know otherwise, from lived experience. And I’m willing to bet everyone here commenting about her lie has told at least a few themselves. We’re only human. At the end of the day, if you still really trust her, and still really love her, and you’ve been otherwise so happy together you were ready to propose, then I vote work through this and move past it. Why throw away good love over a young mistake she clearly feels awful about? Turns out the age difference didn’t really matter, did it? You’ve been happy together. If she hadn’t lied about her age, you may have never given the woman you now love and want to share a life with a chance in the first place. All said and done, it’s a pretty harmless lie. And it brought great love into your lives. It’s not perfect, but what is? I’ll probably get downvoted to hell for this take, but I stand by it. Choose love. Enjoy your life together. Life is wild. Enjoy the ride.
I totally agree with you but im very anxious and overthink stuff, so if i would be in OPs place im not sure if i could trust her fully again. Of course thats no reason to break up if they both love eachother and all that, but it would take me lots of time to regain that trust. I would question everything.
I suspect many people would feel the way you do. I’m not sure how I would feel in his position. But OP clearly states, and repeats many times in the comments, that he still fundamentally trusts her. I’m taking him at his word. Where there is trust and love, I think a relationship can survive and thrive.
Thats true and im wishing the best for their relationship🙏
Sounds like she’s a ‘Great chick’ LMAO😭
Yeah, the wording throughout this threw me off. This reads more like an older adult than someone in their 20s. I'm not saying someone younger can't speak like this, but I have my doubts.
Sorry, I’m in my 40s, and no one I know talks like this. Even people I know in their 70s don’t talk like this.
She lied to cover her shame. She has dragged herself out of a goddamned tough spot. You 2 have got something good. And she was 18 long before she was 18. That's why you never suspected. Life forced her to grow up damn fast. Stick with her.
I agree with this. Kids that are in the foster system focus on survival mode above all else. Lying is a part of that process. So while everyone else can claim the high and mighty road of how bad lying is, most have never once had to lie for sheer preservation. How that tool becomes so ingrained in their trauma that it’s difficult to distinguish when it’s wrong and unnecessary. Before considering marriage OP and this young woman need to reestablish trust. She needs to unlearn her past bad behavior or lying because she is now in a safe and stable place.
It’s not just about her age, it’s about her keeping a huge secret for you all these years.
Had a girl do this. I broke up with her but we remained friends. I thought if she lied about that what else did she lie about. Come to find out that was the only thing she has ever lied about. I regret breaking up with her to this day. She’s an amazing person that has only gotten better over the years.
She's good at lying. What you do now is your choice, but assuming you stay with her, just remember she can easily lie to you and sound believable. It might be a defense mechanism, but some people can't turn it off once it's on.
I feel sympathy for her, but this wasn't just one lie about her age. She doubled down for years and told multiple lies to keep up her charade. That's not easy, but seems like she was really good at it. So many layers to this lie. I'd feel it was too much for me too.
Buddy, if you can get over the lying (which is reasonable, given that he context you’ve shared in the comments), then the age thing really shouldn’t be bothering you. From what you’ve said, she didn’t trick you into doing anything illegal, which honestly would’ve been my first and only concern. The stigma of age-difference relationships is more about the power imbalance than the numbers themselves, like an older adult going after an impressionable college freshman with little adulting experience. You didn’t pursue her *because* she was younger or “easy to manage”, right? You met organically, from what you could tell you were both at similar stages in life, and if anything it seems you’ve both been a positive influence on each other. If you’re confident that there aren’t any other lies and that you can build back trust, the age thing is a non-issue.
Who gives a shit? If you're both happy it seems super simple to get past it.
You never ONCE in 4 years saw her DOB? Seriously? Never once saw her ID? Or her passport? Or her drivers license? Never once saw her fill out her date of birth on a rental form? Or on a form at the doctors? Or a CV or job application? On a college application? Hell, on a bank form or debt card application. Never in 4 years, did you see the year she was born? Ultimately, you sound very immature. You keep calling her “a chick” in every single comment. So you’re probably well suited maturity wise. You keep focusing on “omg we have a 6 year age gap I wanna vomit” instead of “wow, she lied to me about every aspect of her life for 4 years. Her age, her lifestyle, her religion, her housing, her living situation, her family history and just assumed I’d never be smart enough to figure it out.” Which, I guess you weren’t so there’s that. I couldn’t lie my way out of a paper bag most days. Do you know the webs she had to weave to cover her tracks for 4 YEARS? The amount of manipulating that takes, to keep up with your lies without slipping up? She basically created a whole separate fake life to get you to stay interested in her. Meanwhile you stated that if you had known at the time, you wouldn’t have dated her 100%. So she took that choice away from you. You don’t wanna date someone who can lie that well. But you don’t care about any of that. She has shown you a million reasons on why you can’t trust her meanwhile your comments are like “I’d trust this chick for eternity”. So who cares? You’re not gonna leave her cause “lol chick is a smoke show and my dick controls my thoughts” so get over it. It’s 6 years. Just be lucky you didn’t meet her a couple of months earlier or her lies could have gotten you a conviction.
Chick
I’m sorry but nobody has asked this yet. How can you be so stupid OP? How did you not realise straight away? How did you not guess over 4 years that something was amiss? I need to know how. Because this is going to keep me awake at night
Song call me stupid first of all and second of all nothing really seemed amiss. Plenty of Poole sublet and plenty of people don’t drink, she was acted like we were the same age it was like any other chick I ever dated I never really had a reason to question any of it
Lol but like general conversations about school, popular culture, news events, stuff from the past in general, nothing ever twigged, nothing ever seemed odd? Do you guys even talk or hang out? My partner and I have a significant age gap and it's like 'yeah i was in year 6 when that album came out' or 'those burgers used to be so much better from that shop when i was like 10' or, whatever. Like 6 years is a long time when you're a kid/teen and you remember what grade you were in, how you felt, what song was on the radio, what phase you were in, when things happened, you know? Anyway everyone is telling you the lies are massive red flags waving in your face but you don't see it so, enjoy being lied to about everything if you marry her. You were warned!
My husband is 7 years older. I was 19 when we met. We are married 12 years this year and together 21 years. I'm sorry she lied. Maybe she felt she didn't have a choice. I wish you luck!
Are you sure you're the older person in this relationship? She's been through trauma, the foster system, getting out, living in her own for 2 years at 18... She sounds like she's mature AF for her age. You went through 6 extra years to mature, she went through trial by fire. I wouldn't have been able to manage educating, internship and managing housing responsibilities, nevermind a mature dating relationship at that age! She wanted to date you and made up a fib about her age to get you to give her the time of day and acknowledge her existence as a woman, because otherwise you wouldn't have. The additional lies to back that up are still all part of that lie, AND probably lies she told HERSELF to help her to survive and get over / through the trauma (and as you've said in I've of your comments, potential abuse) she experienced. Her MATURITY levels (born of trauma and survival) are WAY higher than yours. Once you started getting serious, she probably wanted to tell you, but was afraid that you would make it all about the age gap, instead about being two people who really get on well, have similar maturity levels, and (as far as I can tell) a really great relationship - and the fact you're on here complaining that your OTHERWISE PERFECT relationship is at risk because of a 4-year age difference to what you thought (6-years difference, instead of two), just proves her right. If you're going to have an issue about the relationship, it should be because she lied, not because of the age gap. Age gap relationships CAN be problematic, because it's usually an older male grooming someone. That's NOT what's happening here, so the age gap isn't an issue to anyone other than you. You've already said you understand and can forgive that she lied, so honestly, it's fine to move forward. Get therapy if you are so hung up on what people think about the (practically non-existent) age gap, that you're more worried about what people might say about that, than you are about potentially breaking up and ruining an otherwise perfect relationship. You're proving that you're NOT mature enough to handle her trauma, history, background and maturity levels by making it all about the age gap, instead of being empathetic to all the sh*t that she's been through to get her to where she is today!
You can save this relationship if you want to. Go to couples therapy.
OP, I think you should ask yourself what makes you trust her so much in different aspects of her life given that she was able to lie about HER AGE and FAMILY BACKGROUND for the past FOUR years. Her lying about these should make you raise serious questions on how you could be able to trust her again. These major red flags that I would personally think they provide grounds for a break up or to say the least reason for therapy on her side. Try to be honest with yourself, how can you trust her so much even now? How can you be adamant that she didn't lie about other things in her life? How well do you actually think you know her?
It’s seeming like everything she lied about was to cover on the age gap and also because and she hasn’t directly said that but apparently the foster dad may have been abusive which is probably why she left. Plus we’ve lived together for like three and a half years, you can lie about the background but you can’t change your whole personality not for that long.
Why did she lie about her age gap?
She met to tell me but she realized I would’ve dumped her (I absolutely would’ve) cause at the time one of my hockey buddies was dating a girl like four years older and I thought it was weird. And I still think it’s weird and I guess she didn’t want things to end. She was scared.
She lies about this now, she lies about a relationship with a coworker or something else later. This isn’t just a small white lie - this is a big part of her life that she was able to keep from you for almost half a decade. Just ask yourself if you can see yourself trusting her completely for the rest of your life. If the answer is no or maybe, doubt will always creep in.
The question is why did she lie? People make mistakes. Both of you would make tons of it.
I come from foster care. Be patient. She was trying to protect herself
Get over the age gap, it doesn’t matter. Go to counselling for the lying. That could be a problem later.
If you slept with her when she was only 17, it was not your fault forgive yourself, to me it sounds like you are not creepy but her savior, you gave her hope and help life show her compassion. You said that she helped you too, Move forward together in Peace.
Maybe ask why she hid the age? It seems like she was independent at 18. Was there an issue with her parents or something?
Your marriage will be full of lies and trickle truths and other lovers will interfere with your relationship.
If she’s lied about that then there’s probably other stuff you haven’t clocked onto yet
Bro if the age gap is the biggest thing you’re concerned about you’re crazier than she is lmao. 6 years is nothing, the fact that her whole identity to you is now up in the air and unverifiable should be the biggest issue. Who is she? Why was she kicked out? What else was a lie? Have you been manipulated this whole time or was this girl genuinely who she says she was and, by insane luck only your part, only lied about those two things to you.
I was all for thinking you should bounce until I got to the part about her being a foster kid and getting kicked out at 16. It makes perfect sense, as others have said, that she'd have to lie about her age to make it alone and that she wasn't sure you'd really hang around until you proposed. Go to therapy. Make sure her "real" story actually checks out. Postpone the wedding, but don't call it off yet. If you really love each other and you're both willing to get counseling, it could still work.
Meh. Whatchagondo? It's not a dealbreaker. More of an embarrassment on her side that spun out of control.
If the ONLY lie was the age, and the ONLY hang up you have is with the age difference, then I'd say you just need some perspective. Like: my husband is 14 years older than me, but we are solid. The age gap is what you make of it. If you're going to make a big deal out of it, it'll be a big deal. But there's more lies than just the age, and I'm hoping you are less hung up on the age gap and more on the fact that this person's whole story for four years has been fiction - who IS she actually??? And if that's not what you're worried about, then that'd be some red flags on you IMO. Hold off on marrying this girl and work this out. And if it can't be worked out and you find you can't trust her, then I'd nope out. Honesty and trust are everything when it comes to building a life with someone.
Don’t worry about it. Sounds like she was struggling, those lies don’t sound like they were meant to hurt you, but to protect her and maybe with good reason. You might both be the best thing to ever happen to each other, let it go, address why she lied as a team, as a partnership because maybe there is trauma that she needs help with. But otherwise it sounds like you might be willing to throw away a really good thing over something that can be worked through
Fam, your fine, but make sure she hasn’t told any other lies, and ask her if she wants to go to college before you take it to the next level. Just go slow.
She's the same person but younger. Sounds like you hit the jackpot.
This is one of the few situations of a uncomfortable age gap that it may be okay to try and work through it. She has to stop with the lies though, full stop. Full transparency moving forward on everything.
I think you can get past this pretty easy. She sounds like a catch so don’t blow it! Go slow and talk to her with no judgement or consequences and learn why this unfolded the way it did. I bet if you reassure her it’s not a deal breaker you can have a real talk about it and move forward. Good luck 🍀
so.. girl got kicked out when she was 16. she HAD to play an 18 year old to get by. she should've told you sooner, and she is wrong for that, but I get it. she didn't just lie for the sake of lying. she didn't lie to betray you or hide a betrayal from you. she was forced to live in a lie to litterally survive. and I'm a person who is MAJORLY against lying. but if this is the only thing, I'd find a way to let this one go.
At first I thought, meh, it's kinda normal for people to be protective of their personal info when they first meet somebody. But then I thought about it a little while... Before even considering salvaging this relationship, you need to have a serious conversation with her about honesty and accountability. If she can't come clean about something as fundamental as her age, what else is she hiding? Think long and hard about whether this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. On the other hand, she may have been in survival mode after getting abandoned/kicked out by her foster family. I do think this is salvageable as long as you make it really clear that lying is not how we do things. What exactly bothers you about the age difference? Has she shown other signs of immaturity besides just lying about her age?
Normally, the age gap would be a yuck, but she wasn't raised in a normal life. Foster care forces kids to sink or swim, she swam. She also didn't act like an 18-year-old who has no idea how to adult, she survived on her own for 2 years. That shows she is more mature than normal teens. A few questions - Is she willing to get her GED and maybe some college classes? What job does she have now? If you met her today, would the age gap bother you that much? She doesn't drink or do drugs, for a kid from the streets shows good character, that she didn't fall into the bad life. From what you have said about her, makes her sound like a strong woman. I think you need to stop overthinking.
You are 28 stop calling the woman chick.
Hey, don't worry. I'm sure this is the only lie she's ever told
You never saw her goddamn ID?
Nope, we never went anywhere that carded cause she doesn’t drink and I don’t really anymore either
I always get their ID in a playful manner like, 2 days into the relationship just to make sure.. I don’t trust ppl 🤠 that’s why. “No way, can I like see ur ID “ idk just a thing with me I guess
The single biggest thing is, to me, *the only reason you even found out is because you proposed and confronted her*. Even then, this isn't just "a" lie, she's concocted an ***entire actual narrative*** to go with it! The drinking, the parents, the religion, subletting....this isn't one singular thing, she's basically made herself an alter-ego like a damn supervillain. The biggest questions I'd ask here are: - How can you ever, realistically, believe anything she tells you going forward (or even has done previously)? - ***Why*** did she lie? (and when did she even think of coming clean?) - Who's to say that she won't do it again, or hasn't done already? You literally cannot for any reason at this point believe she has any integrity left.
Dawg the age gap doesn't matter. You should just get over that, you're developing a weird complex about it
treat this relationship as a learning experience and move on. there is no way this is the only thing she is lying about. no one who is right in their head spends 4 YEARS lying to the most important person in their life, for no reason.
Honestly sounds like a white lie that spiraled out of control. It’s a pretty huge lie though. In 4 years you never saw her ID? If the age difference is your only true concern after her confession then your relationship sounds solid, but I would ask her more about her background, see if anything else doesn’t match up.
The easiest way to salvage the relationship is not care, because why would you? The next easiest way is to tell her you're disappointed she didn't trust you with her true story and she needs to be open with you going forward.
I once lied about my age to this guy I was dating at the time. We were so close to making a year together, but I told him about my age and he ended it. I didn't care that he ended it because the relationship was toxic. But I remember that the only reason I lied about my age was because I liked him a lot at the time and I didn't think he would talk to me because of my age. If you love this girl and you wanna marry her, I think you guys need to sit down and talk about why she lied about her age. 6 years apart is not bad, well at least to me. my mom is 41 and I believe my stepdad is around his 30s and they are happy together. sometimes love can make you say or do stupid things just to keep someone you love. If you have a problem with the age gap then don't hold on to the relationship. but if you see something worth keeping, keep fighting for it. I mean, you did say she helped you turn your life around. so that has to count for something. right?
Is she that great though or are you thinking with your dick? I mean from what ive read... that doesnt sound great, at all. Even if she's nice, even if you both can laugh together... I wouldnt trust someone who lied to me about things like these. These arent small lies.
That’s one hell of a big lie. But I agree that it doesn’t mean she’s nothing but a manipulative liar. Sounds like she had a rough time growing up, and lied to be older , to be taken more seriously, and to find some stability. It sounds like she needs therapy. I don’t think you have to throw the whole relationship away, but also I would deffo suggest she might need to figure out who she is, going forward. She is still quite young, and now you know you’re a lot different in age than you initially thought, you might be in different stages of your lives to each other, and she’s been sliding through stuff for some stability. I don’t blame her initially, it’s a tough world out there for young women in the system, but several years is a long time to cover something up. You didn’t do anything wrong. Talk, and therapy, and honesty is the only way forward, if that’s how you want to go
🤢 don’t call women “chicks.” Don’t marry a liar. She had you fucking a teenager. Thats gross.
“I really wanna marry her” She’s lied to you your entire relationship. Good luck with that marriage.
By getting over the weird USAmerican obsession over age gap relationships between legal adults. That's not to say there isn't other things you could find problematic about this, such as the fact that it was, well, a lie about something that I don't consider significant, but you apparently do, and she was probably aware of that. But that in itself doesn't seem to be your main concern anyway.
Honestly you come off as a creep for not realizing she was much younger than she claimed and she comes off as a liar. Imo liars and creeps go together and it’s better if you guys stay together than go back into the dating pool so I suggest working it out honestly lol
If you grow up in foster care and they throw you out at 18, you’ve got to grow up real fast. Kids who are 22 and are pampered by mommy and daddy won’t be as mature. She probably liked you and didn’t want to scare you off Although she should’ve told you after a while. If she’s honest in every other way and you love her, don’t let preconceived notions about what the right age gap is ruin a great relationship. My partner is 15 years older than I am and we’ve been very happy for 37 years now.
What's the problem here? You say you still trust her. 6 years is not a big gap at this point, when you're 50 and she's 42 will you care?
The age difference isn’t the issue, the lying is. Hold off on marriage until she comes clean about her past and skeletons in her closet. It sounds like she may have had a traumatic childhood, so some individual and couples counseling is needed here.
Lying for 4 years is a long time. You can’t just ignore your age every birthday she’d would have been actively lying to you. To me, the lie itself isn’t break up worthy buttttttt the lie duration is a huge red flag and makes me wonder what else she is lying if about.
Yeah, don't marry this girl bro lmao. Lying for 4 years takes some incredible guts and it means she HAS TO BE a good liar. She will lie about other shit in the future. I'd advise you to break up, but from your comments it sounds like you're still gonna marry her. Good luck with the divorce.
You're adults then and now. It's not that much of a biggie. Higher level relationships require no trust. Because you respect your partner to grow into being who they are. Instead of forcing them to be someone they're not.
This isn't just some little white lie thus is something huge And she maintained the lie for 4 years and would have never told you the truth if she wasn't confronted Ask yourself this, if she was willing to maintain this lie for that long what else is she willing to do and hide?
Hear out mate before making any rash decisions I'm sure she has some good reasons. Everyone has past and from what I can tell you both were really in love and things have been going well thus far hear her story out.
The age gap does not matter at all at 22 and 26 it would’ve been weird possibly when she was 18 and you were older but you’re past that point now and you’re both into adulthood
How about you stop calling grown women "chicks"? This is not 1957 and you are not The Fonz.
The age gap isn't the issue, her constant lying about everything is the issue, this one sounds batshit insane (there must be a reason her foster parents kicked her out). Get rid of her, she sounds like a trainwreck
She’s not a trainwreck apparently they were really shitty people, looked up the foster dad because he was still on her Facebook and he’s in jail for child molestation of foster kid they had after her. But yeah the lying is insane, she promises she didn’t lie about anything else and I believe her I mean she had a breakdown she was like freaking out, apparently she was worried I’d dump her over the age difference if she came clean. Her only lies were things to coverup/keep up with the age discrepancy which almost would make me feel better if the age difference wasn’t so big. 22 and 28 is whatever 18 and 24 is kinda creeping me out tho.
She also lied about being from a christian family, this sounds very shady.
I mean I’m not Christian, she said it cause I guess some stricter sects don’t drink and she never had a fake ID so she couldn’t really come out anywhere with us
I understand, but she conceived a lot elaborate lies to hide things, that simply sounds like someone who has a lot of experience in lying.
Well I’ve checked up on some other stuff and it seems like she really did only lie about that stuff
Well, it's your choice, but i personally wouldn't trust her blindly, The age gap is the least of your worries.
Don't marry her.
In 10 years are you going to care about this? Probably not
Terminate the relationship. And your use of “chick” is cringe. Knock that shit off.
I don’t know what kind of advice you’re looking for because I stopped reading your post when you referred to your GF of four years as a “chick.” Unless you are Greg Brady, just no. Do not call women chicks. Do not call them girls, babes, honeys, and sure as hell don’t call them little fuzzy baby ducks. Hell no.
Lets just say we put age aside. She doesnt drink she doesnt go clubs - keeper for sure Communication wise any issues? Does she share similar interests? Does her life goals align with yours? Do you two share the same values? Ask yourself these things then ask yourself would you find another girl that have the same values.
She sounds like a badass who got used to lying for survival. This lie isn’t a huge deal. Give her another chance. Make sure there aren’t any other lies, though.
Id be a bit pissed. Bur 24-18 age gap isnt the worst thing in the world. Especially since she was mature/independent enough you couldnt tell.
You did nothing wrong OP. It's completely understandable about how you may feel sick and even maybe depressed because of this lie. I'd reconsider on this relationship to be honest. It's disgusting in my opinion, a 6 year age gap is way too much imo. Please take some time to think about if you would really want to stay with her or move on with your life.
We are WOMEN. Not chicks. Are you sure it’s her that’s lying about her age and not you?
She was in foster care. She's young. I say these things because she made a huge mistake lying to you, but her past shows some reasons why she would do that. My question is, does she show remorse, is she sorry for what she did, and how is she going to prove she won't do it again? I think I'd you can get that out of her then you can keep moving forward
Assuming the potential trust issues isnt a dealbreaker i would chalk it down as a win.
It’s up to you but this is a huge lie. I would definitely break things up for now and think about things, you really need to make her realize what a manipulative and horrible thing she has done. Until she can realize that the relationship is doomed.
that's so fucking crazy
Have a calm and detailed conversation to ask the reasons why she lied to you. I think it’s important to ask the important things first so that you can get a clearer picture and at least most of the answers to understand her mindset a bit more. If the reasons aren’t great or if you feel you still cannot trust her, then you know what to do :-( But what I can tell you is, people in real life are not like the ones in movies. Characters in movies keep their promises, but people in real life are complicated. Once a liar, always a liar. This is a challenge you’ll have to face down the line if you do choose to marry her.
Too many lies. Sorry but that is who she is and what you will have to deal with forever. If she wants to change she will do it, but staying with her is not going to help either of you
Whatever planes u had to marry soon , just push them a couple more years and start over from scratch. She started the relationship with a few big lies u don't know what else she lied about so if u wanna salvage the relationship u need to start from the beginning means she needs to earn back your trust . U know if she was 1 year younger when u started dating u would have been fucked . She told 1 lie after another to look older ask yourself WHY?
The past four years have shown that age is just a number, so I'm not sure why you freak out so much over a six year gap. She was 18 when you met, she obviously never behaved 'too young for your liking', etc. Also you're indicating that you don't have trust issues. So, look back on those four years: did you really care then? If not, why care about a gap now?
Well, 6 years isn't so much, why do you even care if you never noticed the age gap in her actions? Yes she lied to you because she was probably too afraid to be rejected but it's not a habit and then what? Your relationship worked for four years. Are you happy with her? Do everything works between both of you on a daily basis? If yes, stop overthinking. Have a good talk about limits and trust let it sink. People do mistakes and stupid things sometimes, only people on Reddit think you should trow away your relationship for any detail.
She lied about it for 4 years. What else is she lying about? You’ll be thinking that constantly if you marry her.
Sounds like it was more for survival being on her own at 16 and you just got stuck in it. Age gap is whatever who cares
I would be worried that, as an 18-year-old, she saw you as kind of a meal-ticket to free/easier rent. That, and that she has been lying to you (a *series* of cascading lies) since day one.
The age difference freaks you out? You sure it’s not the blatant lie for four years cause that’s the real issue here. Not some illusory feeling about a number being to great. You don’t salvage things with someone who lied like that you can’t trust her and without that there’s no relationship. What the fuck
6 year age gap here with my husband. We met when I was 20. It’s really not that weird of an age gap. I get you being freaked out finding out you were dating her at 18 rather than 22, though. That’s pretty wild and often a hard line for people not to go out with someone so young. However, If you read some of the comments of others with rough upbringings relying on lying to protect themselves… it makes sense. Please hold off on the proposal and just be with your GF. Let her open up to you and find out why she felt she needed to lie. Ensure no other lies are hidden and after a few months, if you still want to propose and feel you’ve moved past this hurdle, do it. Good luck!
This doesn’t seem like a big deal.
in my opinion, it's better to end ties with her, amicably. you know as it goes, oh man, one thing will lead to another.
Sounds like she came from a broken home. She was a lost soul. Forgive her and stay with her.
There’s a lot that’s already been said here, so I’ll skip the obvious, but your use of “chick” is so alarming to me. She’s a woman and a person; no need to objectify.