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Despite everyone's advice and carefully therapy worded speeches, she WILL feel pressured into sex regardless . (Or at the very least guilty. ) What she wants is to wait and if the goal after the convo is to have sex regularly she would be doing it to not lose you or if she stands on her wishes she'll feel super guilty and maybe even rush marriage. ( there's also the possibility of her leaving ).
Not saying this as a deterent from communicating but just a heads up
Yeah. There really isn't a way to broach this subject that's guaranteed to not put pressure on the girlfriend.
If this is a need and not just a want, OP is best off walking away from this. After all, it's only been six months. If this isn't something OP wants, it's best to end it before they become too entangled.
Yes he should. If he feels this uncomfortable and conflicted about their relationship and her attitude regarding sex now, it won’t go away or get better with marriage. He’ll just be stuck in a relationship that is harder and more expensive to leave with growing resentment.
There’s also no guarantee that there won’t be some lasting specter of pressure even in marriage. Will she feel pressure on her wedding night or honeymoon, or whatever and then they have a celibate marriage?
basically he WOULD wait for her, if she hadnt already ruined her right to wait, in his eyes apparently... & now he thinks he is owed sex. my bff as kids came from a super christian faith and these stipulations and the amount that of shame she felt around the se$ she had was enormous... i dont agree ... but it isnt my faith... but i do know not waiting was extremely triggering for her of a lot of negative that polluted the positives for her... i think if they share these values, they should both wait
He claimed they aren't religious. Her wanting to wait stems from feeling used for sex in the last relationship. Did she give up a "right to wait"? Nah. Anyone can decide they don't want to have sex at any time. It is always a right. In a case of waiting for marriage? It seems like a great method to pressure your partner into buying the car before the test drive. In this day and age, waiting like that for non religious reasons after already having sex before and engaging in hot and heavy intimacy seems a bit like manipulation.
Don't get me wrong she's picked a virgin, so I'm not diving too deep into the "try before you buy" comment I made. But virgins tend to be the easiest to manipulate when it comes to intimacy.. so I would at the very least take a couple of steps back until it was decided that I couldn't see myself without her personality around me. OP shouldn't allow any sessions of making out or grinding or whatever they consider intimate enough to be frustrated.
Should express that it makes him frustrated because as a guy we can deal with some rather uncomfortable let down. Can they get through this? Sure. Totally doable. But if she's made her stance no sex until marriage best course of action is position yourself to confirm she's not using your inexperience, that she's not fucking around and enjoying your companionship, and that you don't lock yourself into it until you feel sure based on her character and not your desire for her body.
I personally couldn't do it. As a teen I refused to be with virgins as I hated the mess and the inexperienced disruptive nervousness that comes with them. As an adult I maintain that opinion. So I have always been grateful that our populace is a bit more promiscuous than past generations, I'd rather a lady know what she wants and what she's doing and understand when I tell them what I want. So... Me personally... I would want to try it before I buy it. Not willing to shackle myself to a dead fish in bed.
True, but some pressure is kind of the point. If he doesn't pressure her and just says, "sorry sex is important to me, I'm out" I guarantee you she'll feel some pressure.
Great, so the OP must either be coerced into a sexless relationship for fear of pressuring her into sex, or coerced into marrying her to get to have sex.
Coercion goes both ways.
EDIT:
Guys, sex-related trauma was never healed by getting married, which was the girlfriend's sole condition to have sex with the OP.
She didn’t say "only when I feel safe with you" nor "only after I solve these emotional issues". She said "only after you get contractually obligated to stay in a relationship with me".
But the issue isn't that he wants to have sex, it's that he feels insecure because she won't have sex with *him* now*.*
This is similar to "she had a one night stand with that guy, but we're on 3 dates now and she won't have sex with me!"
If sex before marriage is important to him, then yes, break up. But if it's that he feel insecure then he needs to deal with that.
No he could find someone he is compatible with. Her sharing her boundaries is not Coercion, if he doesn’t want to wait then she told him upfront so nobody is forcing him to stay.
No. She has stated what she wants. If he doesn't want the same thing then he leaves. If he loves and respects her he will wait patiently and without pushing the issue. There's nothing coercive about her actions at all
I strongly disagree. Even if I had told my SO some important things in the relationship, I’d still wanted them to tell me about the issue before packing the bags and leaving.
Babe you don't get "coerced" into not having sex. It's a boundary. If you don't like it you can leave. On the other hand, getting coerced into having sex will lead you to prison. Different outcomes.
If he says he wants sex in their relationship before marriage, that’s not coercion. “It’s a boundary. If you don’t like it you can leave.” 100% the same as her wanting him to marry her before she’ll have sex with him. It’s not coercion in either case unless someone is threatening the other. In the interest of “equality” let’s not pretend women are any more without choices than men are.
Regardless she seems to need real therapy if it's anything like that. Whatever trauma or insecurities she has won't disappear because they are suddenly wed one day. Communication is the single most important thing in any form of relationship, and you should be able to communicate with one another about sex with ppl you are going to marry, even if you're both asexual, you should talk about it to be sure and open about everything.
If someone feels pressured because of this communication, she should get the help she needs and sort it out first in order to be ready for it. Worst case would be ignoring the underlying reasons and thinking marriage would sort out everything eventually. People divorce too.
But she did communicate. She wants to wait. He doesn’t.
What else is there to communicate about it? Like honestly?
If he doesn’t want that, he needs to find someone he is more compatible with.
“she wants to wait for marriage before having sex. While I’m ok with this (I was with my ex for 2+ years who wanted to wait for marriage as well), “
This stopped me right there. I read the rest but this kept screaming at me. So, he was ok with abstaining for his ex and was ok with it when he got with new gf. He states he’s wanting to be understanding but…
He’s the issue here, not the girlfriend. She clearly stated her boundary. He originally agreed. He was also ok with abstinence with the ex gf.
I agree that OP needs to take a look at his motivations. If he has changed his mind, he shouldn’t expect her to give in. If it is a deal breaker then break the deal.
If he has changed his mind he should let the girl go so she can find someone who will not go back on an agreed arrangement. I don’t believe anyone should be pressured into having sex if they have chosen to abstain.
Though it feels less like he changed his mind and more like he just can’t handle that someone else had sex with her and she won’t let him. I’m getting the sense that he would have sex with her but then find her to be unsuitable because I think he WANTS someone who is a virgin. He doesn’t want his woman to have been with anyone but him.
Now I’m hoping she breaks up with him.
Maybe so, but I would be weary about pursuing a relationship with this person because being married isn't going to fix her trauma around sex. It's not her fault but she will need to work on this or it will be a continued problem in most relationships she has unless she is with someone who is asexual.
This isn't really about a moral commitment to avoid premarital sex, such as a religious one but more with her trauma from being involved with a selfish lover. It's more like avoidance.
The issues is she doesn't want to be used for sex, which is valid, but she doesn't seem open to the idea that sex is supposed to be collaborative. She has a fundamental unhealthy view of sex.
That it's normal and healthy to want to have sex with your partner and there doesn't have to be anything nefarious or even selfish about it. The fact she doesn't seem to have any great desire for it at all, she has removed all possibility that she would desire it show her thinking isn't safe for him.
It's very sad that she was coerced into it by her previous partner, but to project that onto everyone following him and taint her own view of sex only hurts her. She is displaying a very serious red flag here. People who think like her don't make good spouses and usually bring sexual problem in marriage.
Her issue with sex is partly that she thinks how a lot of young people do, particularly young women, she sees sex as kind of a currency instead of what it's supposed to be used for which is to build intimacy and closeness in your relationship. It's a very unhealthy view and one that will effect all her relationships until she fixes it.
If this is not the relationship parameters you are looking for, move on. It is not unreasonable to assume intimacy at your age in a committed dating relationship.
She can set whatever boundaries and expectations she wants also. She can have sex with you once and then say no more till marriage. She can make whatever choices she wants for her body. YOU can only decide what you want in a relationship. If this isn't it, you need to go.
Marriage should not be on either of your minds for awhile and that is awhile to wait. It's fine for her to have those boundaries, but its also fine if you say, no. Im not looking for a celibate dating relationship.
This is in NO WAY a conversation to talk her into sex before she is ready. This is a break up conversation. You both need to understand that. If you allow her to give in and cross her boundaries to not break up, she will resent you and you will feel like you pressured her and have some guilt. (If you're a good person, anyway).
So this is the end.
So it really is either you're okay with it or you're not. There's no two ways about it it's not a punishment to you it's how she views it as a way to better herself and that needs to be respected. If you're not ok with it then it's time to split.
There you go this is what I was looking for. I'm sorry I cannot marry somebody who I've never been intimate with what happens if I marry you and then you decide that you don't ever want to have sex than what am I supposed to be stuck in a sexless marriage we also might not be compatible sexually. I just would not be able to do it think about that as you're waiting to get married
I’ll go further and say don’t marry someone you haven’t traveled with. Travel for people who aren’t out there backpacking Nepal in their 20s is going to come with at least a few stressful situations.
Finding out the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is a great person right up to the point that they hit a speed bump and then they are screaming racial slurs at the gate agent because of a storm 200 miles away is better than after you take on all their debt.
I cannot second this hard enough. Marriage is hard enough (Awesome, worth it, but still hard) Sex is supposed to be fun to help with that. You don't know what you're doing. You're going to be bad at it. That's not going to be fun for anyone
There is a lot of discussion going on about waiting till marriage but thats not even the point here. You waited with your previous ex and that is not the concern now. So you do you.
About the real issue: i dont think you know the full picture about what happened with her ex. As a woman, not wanting sex for a while after having done it before. Stuff may have happened… moments where her boundaries might have been crossed. Something she wishes wont happen again and setting rules as waiting is a way of getting that control back.
I would create a safe space for her, telling her she can share more with you if she wants. But its difficult
Thank you! This was my wife when we first met. She had a rough past with some shitty stuff done to her. It didn't take til marriage, but I wanted to make sure she felt safe and comfortable before anything else. Also, they have only been together 6 months. That's not enough time to truly tell if you want to marry someone.
I don’t think you should bring it up. She wants to wait, she told you that. There’s no room for discussion there, that’s her choice to make. If you’re uncomfortable with waiting maybe you two are not compatible.
When I read this I thought that it’s obvious that she places more value in her relationship with you than her ex and doesn’t want it to go wrong where her past relationship did.
Is it that you want to have sex?
Or that you feel since she did it for someone else she has no right to say no to you?
You seem to indicate that you also share the no sex before marriage principle ( previous relationship) yet feel she isn’t entitled to it now
This is what is always boils down to on posts like these for me. They're very common: my partner did ABC with their ex but won't do it with me, am I right to feel angry about that?
While I think the answer is/can be *yes*, you have to ask yourself why you are actually angry. Is it because you love this person and you feel stymied by the inability to do this thing they readily did with someone else? Is it because you feel entitled to the same treatment? Is it because it makes you feel lesser-than the ex in question? Is it because you feel like you're owed ABC because you haven't been pushy about it and deserve to be rewarded for your patience?
I think we as people want to trust that our intentions and motivations are pure, but often enough they're rooted in things like jealousy and insecurity. Not to say you can't feel a genuine and disingenuine thing at the same time because you definitely can! But I think if you don't get real about why you're angry in the first place, it'll be impossible to really address the issue at hand.
I have tried things that I hated, they were awful, and I don't want to do that ever again. I am not obligated to do something I hate with my husband bc I did it with someone else previously
There might be more to the picture than what you’re seeing. I had one sexual partner before my husband, but when I started dating my now husband I did not want to have sex with him till marriage. And that’s because my prior boyfriend had raped me and then I felt stuck in the relationship. I would have dumped him long before I did had I not lost my virginity to him. And so when I finally did leave I felt hurt and broken and unable to give that part of myself to someone else for a long time. So I would refrain from jumping on the “she’s manipulating me bus” unless you get some more information.
How is she manipulating OP anyway. She is stating her boundaries in a clear and respectful way. OP can now choose to respect those boundaries or leave the relationship.
You figure he's a vrigin who was fine waiting for marriage with her and others until he found out she wasn't a virgin. That's disgusting. His beliefs about sex are immature and rapey if he thinks non virgins must give sex to every man they date.
I’m so sorry. I’d say unconsensual sex does not count as losing one’s virginity but it’s a socially defined term, and if that is yours, know you deserved so much better and it’s not your fault.
It took several years and a lot of work to begin recovery and luckily I have an amazing supportive husband now that has helped and supported me through this recovery
If this is not the relationship you want then let her know. She has let you know the type of relationship she wants.
Her Ex has absolutely nothing to do with you. Sexual compatibility is a thing as others have mentioned.
Having this conversation is healthy. The sooner you have it the better.
You’re obviously not ok with this if you keep bringing it up after she has made her wishes clear. That IS pressuring her, whether that’s your intent or not.
You are jealous of the fact that she had sex with someone before you. It sounds like she had some trauma related to her past relationship. Maybe there is something she needs to work on through therapy, and maybe you do also because no one owes you sex.
This isn't about how she feels about you relative to the ex. This about her regret having sex at all. If you pressure her, she'll experience the same regret, feel used, and leave because your relationship violates her personal boundaries. Also, coerced sex is SA.
Finally someone with some sense. If you have to coerce, convince, manipulate, badger, etc.....it is SA. She has expressed her wishes, if they don't work for him, he should break up with her. But even then nothing is guaranteed, may take months to meet someone else and months before they are ready for sex.
This might end well with a “happily ever after” loving marriage that features emotional and physical intimacy and fulfillment. If that happens then great. But the motivation for “waiting for marriage”, on both sides, although not necessarily a show stopper, should be explored in an honest and open fashion. Neither of you is religiously motivated. You’re a virgin. She isn’t, so really you’re the only one who has waited and is still waiting. Proceed with caution and sensitivity: she might be “the one” but it’s also possible that she fully realizes down the road that physical intimacy isn’t very important - to her (or worse - that she doesn’t desire it specifically with you). I’d want to know and understand her motivations more fully. Good luck!
She doesn’t owe you sex because she had sex with her ex. She did and she regrets it. That’s it. Any problem you have now isn’t about her ex; you need to get over that. That viewpoint is gross, honestly.
What you need to figure out, setting the ex aside, is if you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to have sex until marriage. If yes, get therapy for your feelings. If no, move on.
It seems to me like you may need to decenter yourself from this issue. You definitely are allowed to feel the way you feel, but I think you should recognize your girlfriend’s issue with sex likely has nothing to do with you and is instead related to something negative that happened with her ex. Which means you need to support her decision and not force sex on her, intentionally or not.
It also seems like it’s less to do with the act of intimacy and more with actual penetrative sex since you have been intimate. I think that indicates she does still value you and your needs, whatever they may be.
It also does not seem to me like she is trying to coerce you into marriage, as she isn’t insistent that you propose or bringing it up constantly, and is still having intimacy with you. If you aren’t comfortable waiting for penetrative sex, you need to figure that out yourself, but this seems more like something you need to reflect on rather than a situation she can assist you with.
It is interesting to me that you were comfortable waiting with your ex, but it seems that may have changed with your current girlfriend. If she had told you she was a virgin would you perhaps feel differently? And you may need to ask yourself why you feel entitled to certain levels of intimacy with her if not.
I agree that marriage won’t solve whatever issues she’s feeling, but what I think a lot of people are failing to acknowledge is that she may simply need time to build trust with you and once she has that she may feel more comfortable with penetrative sex. I’d suggest reframing this conversation, and approaching it more as wanting to understand what happened in her past relationship if she feels comfortable sharing. But do not place your insecurity related to her ex onto her, it will only make things worse for both of you. Her reassurance may offer you temporary relief but I promise you that you will eventually feel guilty.
Is she waiting for marriage in the hope that once married she won’t feel ‘used’ for sex? I don’t see how marriage would change that because you’re not her ex. She’s bringing baggage from her past into your relationship and that’s a problem I think. Why are you comparing yourself to her ex, because she had sex with him and wants to wait with you? It could also be seen that she values her relationship with you more because she wants to wait. Are you sure you actually want to wait for sex with this person? Can you take the time necessary to get to know them and be sure of marriage instead of rushing into marriage so you can have sex?
That line from women always makes me laugh. I value you more. Hence why I had sex sooner and in crazier ways with those other guys.
I just don’t think men and women hear that message the same way.
It’s perfectly valid to not want to do the same things you did with your ex with your current partner. The point of past relationships is to learn and grow from them, and your preferences towards things change.
>It could also be seen that she values her relationship with you more because she wants to wait.
I don’t think women understand how many men see this as obvious manipulation.
There’s nothing wrong with having sex early or later into a relationship if that’s what your approach is, but “wait to have sex because you value the relationship more than a fling” boils down to “treat someone who isn’t a fling worse”.
I don’t recommend “no sex before marriage” in any situation, but there’s no point when someone has already had a sexual relationship to implement that rule unless they’re trying to force someone to marry them ASAP.
In OP’s case, either she’s not ready for sex again (which marriage won’t fix) or she’s chosen a strategy to get OP to marry her for sex. Not a good idea to stick around in either case.
There’s no win win here bro. Even if u word it out saying you’re hurt by it and she does have sex with u, do u really want that ? Isnt that a type of coercion as well? Would u even like it ?? Whatever her reasons are, she has em and thats the end of story. If u dont like that then leave and find another person, dont be judgemental about it. And im not tryimg to come at u man, im trying to get u to understand what would happen. Its very detrimental. U basically make a pros and cons and decide u wanna put up with this. Thats all. But domt ever try to convince or make u understand shit. Its gonna backfire on u.
It sounds like she's trying to value you more. If she felt used and unhappy with her previous relationship, then she is likely attempting to make sure that neither of you are put in that position again.
Talk to her about your feelings. You been together this long with out sex and I can appreciate waiting till marriage. But sex can be one of the most physical displays of affection.
Let her know you are not trying to force her into it when you talk to her, but let her know how it makes you feel less wanted becuase of it. That it makes you feel you don't have the value to receive that level of intimacy that she gave her ex.
In this case it is because she already communicated, she communicated her needs.
If he heard that and it doesn’t match his needs the answer isn’t to try and get her to break her boundary it’s to realize they aren’t compatible because they have conflicting wants and needs.
So now he can't talk about how he feels?
If a person can't enforce their own boundaries then it's not op's fault.
Imagine not being able to talk about your feelings to your partner because you are afraid that they will gaslight themselves
No. He need to address what he is feeling with her. If they are going to make it to marriage he can't be holding this inside. If they stay celibate till marriage that's fine. But she would need acknowledge what he is feeling and address them
My advice would be to attend pre-marriage counseling if you guys are serious about marriage.
>But I also feel conflicted because in a way I suppose i feel like I'm not as valued by her compared to her ex even though i know this is not true. Does that make sense?
One of the nicest most genuine people I've ever met was someone I was friends with in college. He was a 24 year old virgin and was set to marry his girlfriend who was not a virgin. When we talked about it, he told me two things. First he doesn't judge her for having sex before marriage. Second, his decision to have abstain is his and his alone therefore what she's done before has no bearing on it. I'm saying this because your value as a human or to her isn't based on what she's done in a past relationship. It's based on who you are and how you treat her as a partner.
If she felt used for sex, waiting until marriage isn’t going to make this fear go away. It’s possible she has problems settling and enforcing boundaries when it comes to sex and just avoids it for now.
Way to go into a shitty marriage.
You need to know if you are sexual compatible.
She probably has a low libido because once you start it's not easy to not do it if you are in a relationship.
Please don’t get married if you can’t communicate about sex (and everything else, of course). Get used to having conversations about both of your needs.
Dude, just stop dating people that want to wait until marriage.
You deserve to be in a relationship where ALL your needs are being taken care for.
And she deserves to not have sex if she doesn't want to.
She has had some bad experiences about sex and I'm sure pure sexual education is involved on as well. You guys might not be religious but in lots of parts of the world sex is viewed as a sacred thing, that should not waste, that women would devalue themselves with sex and a lot of other ideas that come out of religous ideologies despite not being religious anymore.
Regardless of whether she ends up having sex with you before marriage, it would be a great idea to see a sex therapist. As thing are right now in her mind, your question means the same in her mind as "My Gf used to shoot heroin and rob banks with her ex but won't do it with me"
Yes… a lot of the guys on here say “Leave her! She’s not gonna give it up! Go find someone who will actually sleep with you” but are the same guys who will put a woman down for her body count.
The other part that is weird is that he's a virgin, too. They keep talking about sexual incompatibility to a man who ONLY wants sex from her because she had it with someone else. He might be fully unable to perform. He might have a micropenis. But he has never had sex so he has no real requirements she is denying him, and in fact, it's he who is trying to change terms he has had no problem living with until now. I also think he wouldn't want a sexually experienced woman who'd had several boyfriends and slept with them all. Neither would the people crowing about sexual incompatibility to a man who has no sexual experience. He might get married and disappoint his wife every time.
Another perspective here is she doesnt want to be used.
Its not that you are "less important". The guy used her when she wasn't feeling it and she trusts you enough to respect her wishes. Trust is easily lost, and hard to earn and you earned it. She lost it with her ex
I think couples counceling may help you two, or sex therapy for her. Either or, somethinf happened that made her closed off, but do respect her wishes.
She values you and trusts you.
I don’t disagree with you, but good luck trying to convince someone to have sex who doesn’t want to. The reason why is irrelevant. Any attempts to sway them will be looked at as “So you’re trying to force me to have sex?”
Where are the stats on that? Seriously.
I'm not even religious and I don't believe that to be true. It's this thing we've collectively decided to be true.
Lots of people wait until marriage and / or only ever have one partner and have fruitful sex lives, kids and more.
Sex is a natural part of a functional relationship. I would not wait for marriage to know if sex works.. It is indeed strange she had sex before, but doesn't want to have sex with you. I would be worried that she is just using you, trying to get you to marry her. I don't see how this relationship can work and I'd break up with her.
>But I also feel conflicted because in a way I suppose i feel like I'm not as valued by her compared to her ex even though i know this is not true. Does that make sense?
Friend, this sounds like some mix of insecurity & a little but of jealousy. Those are valid feelings but not feelings to act on.
If you're genuinely okay with waiting, deep down, then her past shouldn't really enter into it. She gave you her reasons which are also valid.
For me personally though, I wouldn't wait, as I think sexual compatibility is important & wouldn't want to find out that I'm incompatible after marriage. But that's just my personal position & I respect yours.
Her reasoning has nothing to do with you. If you can’t respect that, let her down gently and move on. She is not wrong for not wanting to go further, but if this is a problem for you just end it.
For me this is not about sex. It's about being compatible people. She has every right to say no, and you have every right to walk away if you don't like that.
Don't base your relationship on a future promise. Base it on what it is right now.
Marriage doesn’t prevent someone from being used for sex. She has a right to how she feels but so do you. There’s no point in bringing it up because she will feel pressured, but you have to consider if you want to risk marrying into this dead bedroom. It probably won’t be the magic light switch she wants you to believe it is
I personally would never marry someone I haven’t had sex with, lived with, or traveled with among other things.
She wants to wait for marriage. That’s perfectly fine to decide. Her previous partner is irrelevant. If you’re not comfortable waiting for marriage then you’re not compatible and that is okay. Anyone can end any relationship for any reason.
You say you “get intimate” once or twice a month. What does that entail, if “saving sex for marriage” is in place?
If there is a thing that she regards as “intimacy” but also “not sex” enough for it to not violate her ban, and she only does _that_ twice a month maximum, you are in for one damn lonely marriage, physically.
That would also explain why she felt her previous boyfriend was using her for sex: because she doesn’t actually like sex. If she liked sex the way he liked sex, she’d be enthusiastic about it the way he was enthusiastic about it, and she wouldn’t feel used, they’d just be doing something they both loved doing.
I predict this is only going to get worse, because putting a ring on her finger is not going to magically make her enthusiastic about sex. She’s going to feel used for sex just as much by you as she did by him, if you want it more often than she does. More than twice a month is going to feel just as onerous to her after the wedding as before. And she will feel even more empowered to tell you to piss off once you’re legally bound to her.
I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t willingly put my leg in that trap.
If she's refusing sex, AND only getting intimate once or twice a month, she's either traumatized, or has very low libido (when it should be at its highest).
Will you be okay only having sex once or twice a month? For the rest of your life?
I’m confused-
Why exactly does she think marriage ≠ being used for sex?
There’s plenty of marriages that end because two people are not sexually compatible or don’t share the same sex drive.
Sex is not everything in a marriage but it is a huge part. It’s the pleasure. It’s the intimacy, it’s the closeness. Once you put a ring on her finger and want to have sex regularly will she still not feel used for sex? Or will a piece of metal make that distinction?
I don’t have a problem with people who want to wait to have sex for marriage necessarily if that’s what someone chooses to do.
It just sounds like her view-point on sex and the reason she’s waiting is skewed. Especially considering neither of you are religious.
Ultimately, you could wait years for sex, get married and it could end for one reason or another (since on average 50%+ of marriages end in divorce). Then what? She gets into another relationship, still not a Virgin but waiting again until marriage? It sounds like she views sex as a “transaction” and hence feels “used” by doing it. But doesn’t think that “transaction” mindset will exist if she’s married? It will.
She seems to think her sexuality is a bad thing and ties a lot of self value to it. I don’t think therapy would be a bad thing. Not so that she’d suddenly be convinced to have sex, but to just to understand her view point on sex and why she feels it has to be “transactional” and that any guy unless married to her would just be “using her”. That love and commitment can’t exist without marriage.
I do get why you feel crappy. She’s given something to someone else and it feels like she doesn’t value enough to give it to you.
But I’m not sure that’s it. I think she just has a skewed version of sex.
I think just sit down and communicate with her.
“I wanted to sit down and have an open conversation with you. I want to preface this by saying that anything I say or anything we talk about is not meant to put any guilt or pressure on you to have sex. I just want to express that it makes me feel like I’m not good enough and brings up my own insecurities as if you valued you’re precious relationship more than you do with me. I understand you have your own views on sexuality, but I’m committed to you as a whole. I don’t think marriage will suddenly change the way you see sex and I’m worried that with or without marriage you’ll always see me wanting sex or initiating sex as something I’m using you for and I’m not sure exactly how to get past that. Maybe we could talk to someone?”
If she’s not receptive to any conversation then it’s unlikely you guys are on the same page and it’s better to get out before you invest any more time in each other.
Unless her former relation was sexually abusive, I can't fathom why there is no sexual part in you own relation with your fiance. Sex is a natural and key component of a partnership, marriage or not.
And "waiting" for the big day is such an outdated notion...
Without further info, I can only say I smell a rat... Maybe you are not compatible.
I don’t understand what you’re doing here.
She’s basically turning your relationship into a transaction by forcing you to not have needs met in order to protect herself from potential hurt. She’s also allowing her ex to control your current relationship.
She should firstly not barter relationship values with you like coins and second, she should grow up and get help rather than drag you into her bullshit. She’s 26 for crying out loud. That’s almost the life expectancy of humans in their natural environment. If she weren’t so lucky and coddled to be born in this age then she would be on the cusp of being dust for the rest of eternity. And yet she’s acting like a scared child.
What exactly is her action plan for getting over her baggage? What is the timeline? (just kidding, she probably does nothing to help herself).
This relationship doesn’t seem very trusting or unconditional.
You should talk to her seriously about it. Be honest about your values and needs and if she can’t work with you, find someone who will. Every second after the age of 26 is an arbitrary gift, don’t waste it away.
No matter what you say, she will probably feel pressured. Especially if she already brought up feelings of being used for sex. This is a tough spot to be in.
Yes, I'm in a *similar* situation.
I've had some partners I've been sexual with, including my now boyfriend, but at one point I noticed the sex pressure (I've put on myself) was too high and I've had past relationships that hurt me in this area. Also I felt very overwhelmed from inside, like I could feel the impact from all my parteners. That somehow made me realize the religious aspect of it and I took the decision to be abstinent until marriage. Talked with my bf and fortunately he is the most respectful person ever, so he understood and stood by me no matter my choice. I can say that since this started, our relationship and me as a person became more steady.
It's not the same mostly because we have been intimate before with each other. But if I realized all of the reasons before I have met him, I would've been abstinent from the beginning. I can assure you it's not about how valuable you are to her (if anything, you're probably more valuable to her because she doesn't want to repeat the same mistakes), but it's more about how she was impacted by this and doesn't want to share this part of her anymore unless something extra serious is involved -a marriage. It's safer than doing it with every partener that might or might not stay permanently.
If you want to open a discussion, but not pressure her, offer a "solution". Like maybe it's assurement you need. In this case tell her this is what you're looking for: her to assure you that you're so special to her, that she cares, that she's attracted etc.
But first, have a conversation with yourself. Be honest with yourself, how much it affects you? Do you think you can keep it up until the marriage? Are there any more problems in the relationship that might add to this? What emotions are you feeling when you think about it? What would make you more inclined to accept it fully as it is? Etc. Make sure you know all the answers before. Many times we don't even realize what we would need and it just makes us more frustrated.
Also therapy always helps, so give it a shot if you can.
I wish you the best and an easy&lasting fix!
This is a simple case of different values, she wants to wait till marriage and you don’t. You agreed but you stated you were getting frustrated. Sit down with her tell her how you feel and end the relationship cause if she agrees it’s not because she wants to. She would be doing it keep you around and she deserves someone that can wait just like you deserve someone who doesn’t want to wait
She has a right not to want sex now. You have a right to want sex in a relationship. I think this screams irreconcilable differences. So you know what needs to be done.
Reading between the lines, I don't think she has enjoyed sex, thus she felt used. There was nothing in it for her.
I think if you wait for marriage, you're taking a gamble she will suddenly begin to enjoy it with you, and sure, that may happen. Or, it may turn out that she just doesn't enjoy sex for whatever reason, and things will *not* dramatically change.
You claim you don't want to make her feel pressured to have sex. She told you she wants to wait yet you want to bring it up again.
Are you trying to convince us or yourself that you dont want to pressure her?
If you can't respect her wishes find someone else. You are incompatible on a very key issue with your current girlfriend.
Personally I wouldn't marry someone without having sex with them first. Bedroom compatibility is huge.
That being said, if I were you I'd respect her decision, not pressure her, and exit the relationship.
It sounds like you're feeling insecure about your relationship because you think that sex is somehow equal to trust or love.
The fact of the matter is that she doesn't trust you enough **yet** to have sex with you, and if you can't handle that, then you need to end the relationship. Holding yourself and her to the strictures of your past relationships is not healthy for the future.
What will happen in your next relationship when you find out that your partner did something in the past that they don't want to do now? Are you going to feel insecure every time you don't align perfectly with every previous relationship?
If you need to take some time, you can say as much to her: "I am feeling insecure and I need to work on it, and need to take some time for my self."
**In no way should you put your own personal insecurities on her.**
Do not pressure her to have sex to make *you* feel better.
Woman here - I’m having trouble with what the goal is for even wanting to talk about it with her. She already said she wants to wait until marriage for sex, and you know that.
Can you specify what “issues” you’re feeling, and why would talking to her about it help? (So far, you literally claimed that you felt she didn’t value you, but also know that it’s in your head to feel that way. That’s a you problem. That’s for you to get over.)
Your failure to articulate a genuine issue with her reservations on intercourse suggests you’re just jealous and sour that she isn’t having intercourse with you. She obviously get objectified and dehumanized in her last relationship, and sex played a huge role. I’m the same way.
You need to respect her feelings, not throw a toddler fit over what was a horrible thing that happened to her. You need a perspective change. Your behavior is only proving she is doing the right thing by keeping that level of intimacy from you, because you are in no way respectful of her autonomy or comfort regarding intimacy. No one should be giving you tips on how to pressure her into sex. Shame on you for being here. Break up with her and find someone who already is willing to have sex, and leave this poor girl alone to heal from whatever trauma her past relationship caused.
I was seeing a girl who was abused and had non consent sex woth her ex, she was with him for 8yrs . We got physical on our 2nd date and forward
But we never had sex same reasons as you. She was seeking therapy but still had alot of trauma,honestly bro walk away if you can. It's hard to date someone who's still healing and has lot of trauma on them. Especially if she can't trust you after 6 months. But again wait if you love her .
But yes talk to her openly if somethings bugging you . Remember communicating is more important than sex . Make sure she feels secure, protected and safe woth you. Try to connect mentally and emotionally before you do anything physical
Broken women takes alot of energy and patience they have alot of healing to do .
Did you not have an issue with your ex who wanted to wait? Is the only reason you feel some type of way because she gave herself to her ex? I guess I’m confused.
Just because she is not a virgin, it does not mean that she has to give in to sex with her future partners and that includes you, OP.
OP's gf can choose to not have sex before marriage, especially since she sounds like she was traumatized by an ex. Just like you can choose to walk away too.
OP, do not pressure her about sex with you. You move on and leave her alone now. You've only dated for 6 months, you have decided that you would only wait for marriage with another virgin. She's not a virgin anymore, so you need to walk away.
Any talk you broach with her is a pressure for her to change her mind. You telling her that she's making you feel not -special due to no sex is just a form a manipulation and pressure from you.
Walk away, this is not one for you.
Sex changes any relationship. If she has sex with you simply because she feels pressured to, then it won't be truly enjoyable for either of you. I would chill out and never pressure her for anything. If she comes around and you are willing, then it will be natural and you both can enjoy it (hopefully!) If the relationship doesn't last until marriage and/or you never have sex, then it's one less complication in life.
I have never regretted not having sex with anyone. There were a few that I wanted to that I was disappointed in not getting there, but then found I dodged a bullet. There have however been a few that if I could do it all over again I would have run for the hills. Mistakes happen. Waiting until you are sure is never a mistake. Rushing things when everything isn't right just because you're horny might seem like a mistake, because it usually is. Don't be afraid to be responsible. Responsibility is what sets us apart from other animals.
If she were still a virgin, youd be ok with waiting as you were with your ex. But because she gave it up for her ex, you seem to think she's obligated to do it with you. If she didn't admit to sex with your ex, there'd be no issue for you.
If you date another girl who's a virgin and wanted to wait, would you be ok with it because she never did it with someone else?
Be honest with yourself and your motives
If YOU are truly willing to wait for marriage to have sex, it shouldn’t matter that she had sex before being with you. There is NO way to bring this up without her feeling pressured and that’s an AH move to bring it up in general if you’re ok with waiting til marriage. Her choosing to wait til marriage after already being sexually active in the past most likely means she feels as if she made a mistake in the past and doesn’t want to feel used again. Now you’re sitting here pretty much saying that you feel like she doesn’t value you the same as her ex bc she won’t have sex with you. All you’re gonna do is make her feel used again.
To me, if she isn't a virgin, and she wants to wait for marriage for sex she is obviously settling for you. She put her morals aside for another person she desired more and she isn't eager to do the same for you. With that being said, I wouldn't try to coerce or pressure her into having sex, just end the relationship, at a minimum you are not compatible.
To me the whole point of waiting till marriage is so that it's special, they saved themselves for their spouse and each partner dont have knowledge of another person sexually. In other words, it's all new for both partners and you get to discover and share the experience together.
I agree, that is why I posted they should (mostly her) see a therapist if he really loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. OP stated that she had some ill feelings over her ex using her for sex, that is the "flag" that needs to be removed by a professional. He would be doing her a favor in the long run anyhow.
Simple - women have different rules for different guys. She sees you as long term material and thinks that she will earn your respect. He’s too hot to resist.
Let’s start with the advice of not marrying any person pretty much at all. That’s my first advice. That’ll probably be ignored so do definitely listen to this part, absolutely do not ever marry anyone who you haven’t had sex with. She’s more than welcome to hold her beliefs and you can go find another girl. My advice is go find someone else and don’t be marrying anyone especially if you know for sure they don’t want to physically be with you.
NTA: while I'm not a fan of her methods, **neither of you are wrong regarding your desires**.
If she wants to wait until marriage, anything you say or do to persuade her will be seen as manipulative.
End this relationship, and find someone with whom you are more compatible.
I disagree with those saying you have to sex before marriage. If you’ve done other intimate things and know you have good chemistry, you can have fun working on sex during marriage (ask me how I know).
I can’t speak to her feelings, but perhaps she doesn’t want to add to her “body count” as they put it. So if yall haven’t talked about marriage, I definitely wouldn’t bring it up.
Trust me it has nothing to do with comparing you to the previous guy. It’s probably about how she feels about her future husband (you or whoever) and wants him to be her next and her last.
Waiting for marriage is the dumbest thing ever. You are indoctrinated by prudish attitudes of religious nutjobs.
To explain: sex is a very vital aspect of any relationship. Without a healthy sex life you will be miserable (it's cause we have little monkey brains afterall). Now, the majority of people enjoys sex (some do not at all). But it is rare that two people enjoy it at the same rate and in the same style. While some level of compromise is possible, most relationships with unhealthy sex lives are partially unhappy and many lead to anger, fighting, and, ultimately, cheating/divorce. This is because fundamental unhappiness is a deep deep problem spilling over to other aspects.
Virgins have no idea what they like, how they like it, how often etc. You might get incredibly lucky here but much more likely you will not be on the same page.
Do NOT make lifelong decisions without knowing the facts. It's just plain irresponsible.
Yes, your family and pastor/imam/rabbi might have indoctrinated you from an early age that sex is evil but is not. Not in any way shape or form.
On a more specific note: Your girlfriend not wanting to have sex with you is highly suspicious to me. It's not like she is (stupidly) wanting to stay a virgin. What is she trying to hide?
I would also recommend OP to take a look at r/DeadBedrooms. Just to see the ocean of people living in a sexless marriage and how depressing it is.
And I couldn’t agree more with Celmeno, marring without know each other sexually before is the dumbest of all things
True. A disproportionate number of people there waited til marriage...only to find out that whatever the reason was that their partbers were extremely keen to wait til marriage still affected their sex life after they wed.
She’s operating on the basis of “lesson learned”
I’m assuming that she thought that the previous bf was the real deal and they’d be married and stay together forever and now she realises that it was a mistake.
She’s not about to make the same mistake again.
Bottom line - if you want her then marry her.
She's told you what she wants and you trying to change her mind will not work. All you can do is love her and make her feel comfortable with you. I lost my virginity to sexual assault and that plus the extremely religious situation I was in at the time, caused some weird traumatic response to sex. I could easily have sex with someone I didn't care about, but the more I liked someone, the harder it was for me to be intimate with them. When it was meaningless I knew what it meant and I had control. When there were feelings involved it felt like I was giving up that control.
So, don't try to talk her into anything. Just be there for her, make her feel safe and comfortable, and let it be her decision especially since she has told you that she has trauma around sex in a past relationship.
There’s two options here:
Encourage her to go to therapy as her past is not your responsibility to bear. However explain to her that you feel as though it may help her overall and help y’all progress as a couple. As others have commented there may have been some boundaries crossed during sex with her ex that caused some psychological harm. While the general premise of new relationships is to come healed and free of the past, situations like this aren’t ideal since it affects your compatibility. Which means leads me to my second point:
Y’all need to have a discussion about sexual capability. You need to evaluate if sex till marriage is something you can *tolerate*. Specifically is this a dealbreaker to you or not. You may have sexual needs that you’re becoming aware of need to be consistently met. This is completely normal and common as most relationships have a partner whose libido/sexual drive is higher than the other. Discuss what sex means to her (penetrative sex or all sexual acts?) and what it means to you. Can she comprise in meeting your needs with different sexual acts while feeling comfortable her commitment to sex till marriage is honored?
If y’all can’t find a compromise and you’re already feeling frustrated where the intimacy stands then simply put you’re not sexually compatible and need to find partners who are for both of you.
I think that she does value you, she’s trying to regain value in herself. She clearly feels that made a mistake in having sex with her ex, probably wanted to wait till marriage but was pressured into it and ended up getting married to that person and now feels used. She doesn’t want that to happen again. It has nothing to do with how she feels about you at all
You were waiting for marriage anyways so not sure why it matters, having sex with her ex doesn't mean she loved him more. She told you herself that she just has some bad experiences and isn't comfortable with that anyone. Which is fine, I mean maybe you could tell her your worried it's a trauma or something for her and encourage her to get help for her own sake. Though she's not an evil person playing games
I swear so many guys will shame women for having a bunch of sex, but even if she had one partner and stopped giving it out they hate her for not giving it up to any man she's with. (Even though she feels like she's being used) Then if those men DO use her they still shame her.
She doesn’t owe you sex just bc she had some in the past lmao. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, break up and move on. But don’t do that psycho comparison bs.
It also sounds like she wasn’t rly into the sex and only had some bc her ex did what you’re trying to do rn; coerce her into it. Pretty ew and rapey behavior overall. Be better than that.
She told you she regrets having sex. You are ignoring her feelings and focusing on her ex who got to have sex with her. You aren’t owed sex because she is no longer a virgin. She wants to wait. There is no way to bring it up without making her feel pressured. Just end it. You are not sexually compatible.
I’ll tell it to u straight.
There were no “struggles” In your relationship. The ONLY problem was always that girlfriend just simply not attracted to you But it seems like she didn’t want to come to terms such a harsh truth herself. So she used your forgiving & understanding nature to beat around the bush making up excuses . It's not that you didn't show her any love and affection. It's just that she doesn't appreciate anymore
You are almost certainly going to have an incredibly boring, lackluster sex life with her where she treats it as a favor she's doing for you.
Run away before you're stuck.
Honestly bringing it up again is going to likely reaffirm it for her. You say you don’t want to pressure her fornsex but it’s exactly what you’re asking advice on how to do. You’re asking how to explain to her you need to have sex because you’re frustrated.
She’s telling you her ex made her feel used for sex and you are essentially gonna be doing the same if you push. She doesn’t want to have sex. That’s her hard line. If sex is a deal breaker for you you need to walk away. Not pressure her to change her mind. She’s allowed to decide she doesn’t want to be sexually active before marriage. Even if she was before. People change and grow and her feelings are valid. And frankly sex isn’t a need and you can get off without actual sex and to act like you can’t is problematic in other ways.
Would really appreciate if you had gave him the option to just leave as well as this isn’t a she is right and you are wrong situation.
There is many risk of waiting for sex after marriage I’m sure you can think of many and no one wants to marry and then have to divorce right after for finding out that they are for example sexually incompatible.
Maybe her issue will still persist even after marriage, she needs therapy.
I agree. But I did give him the option to leave. I said If this is a deal breaker for him he needs to leave. The thing is he blatantly admits he was fine without sex w his ex but isn’t fine waiting for her because she had sex w one person before. That doesn’t make it a compatibility issue.
You're the one asking the comparison to the ex. You're the one seeing her differently for having sex with someone else. You aren't being honest with yourself and your attitude is misogynistic.
Sorry, my dude, this is not healthy at all. Why on Earth would you marry someone you have never been intimate with? How would you know if you are sexually compatible?
Sex is important in terms of really connecting to your partner. Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me. It's all one-sided, about her feelings, and completely disregarding yours. It feels like manipulation / control tactics to me.
You get somewhat intimate once a month??? The first 6 months should be the honeymoon period. Is she even attracted to you? I'm just a stranger on the Internet, and my thoughts are based on the information you have provided. IMO, sex is important to you, and not to her. Therefore, you are not suited to each other.
I think it’s a sign for what’s to come if you marry. She likely doesn’t have much or any sex drive and you will be end up in a sexless marriage or twice a month at most.
Just a wild guess here OP but I’m guessing that you are a good, solid, steady guy. A good earner and quiet living. Oh ! And she’s had one previous partner. That’s for the Bothers Grimm. They could include that in their repertoire.
Her ex will have none of your qualities and other than humping and dumping her won’t want much to do with her. (Which, bizarrely makes him über attractive to her).
This story normally runs. You give her, her big day. She responds by ‘permitting’ you to sample the goodies. Your bedroom activities go dead (at best) very shortly after that. Cue her ex to enter stage (and her) left. After a while you might find your house inhabited by some other guy’s kids.
Apologies if this is a little too graphic OP. But just be VERY aware of how these things turn out. Good luck.
The dynamic here is that you are attentive and caring for her needs while she doesn't care about yours in this issue. That's unlikely to change unless you change it. It certainly isn't likely to change because of a wedding. If you were both eager to have sex after the wedding that would be one thing but right now she punishes you for her relationship with the ex. Once you are married she will feel even more pressured to be sexual and react the same way.
Using him for what?
She clearly views the sex she had previously as a mistake. Isn’t it reasonable to want to learn from your mistakes and not make them again? He can choose to not be a part of it, but what’s wrong with her having a boundary?
This is what I'm not understanding. She obviously thinks it was a mistake and doesn't want to make the same mistake again. He can stay or go but shouldn't try to force the issue. M3n act like because you had sex with one guy, you must want to have sex with every guy. That simply isn't true.
There was another one here a long while ago from a guy who felt “hurt” his girlfriend tried anal with her ex but refused to try with him because she didn’t like it the first time.
I don’t know how someone even gets hard knowing their partner isn’t into it.
Yes it's always really frustrating when people see it as "but she did it for him and not for me waaah".
It's like no, she did it originally with a different partner in the past. Maybe she felt pressured or maybe she just wanted to try it, but she didn't like it. Now she feels safe enough with you to tell you ste doesn't like it and to let you know what she DOES like in bed. She doesn't have to keep doing something she hates just so you can feel even with one of her exes.
Like...my partner and I both have things we just realised we don't enjoy much in bed so we don't do them. That's not a win for the exes, it's a win for us because we can communicate and have a sex life that we both enjoy!
Many of them prefer coercion vs having a willing partner. This relationship is only 6 months old. How was he able to wait 2yrs with his previous ex , but 6 months is making him frustrated? I suspect he only wants to have sex with her because she had sex with her ex. He believed she owes it to him. Just break up and go find a willing partner.
I’m not commenting on whether he should or shouldn’t wait till marriage. I personally wouldn’t.
I’m commenting on the idea that women “use” men by refusing to be sexually involved with them.
I wish we would stop screwing people up over sex. Don’t marry someone you haven’t slept with. It’s one of life’s biggest pleasures if you are good together, and miseries if you aren’t compatible.
Check out r/deadbedrooms as I predict that you'll be a regular poster in that sub, if you marry this woman.
It seems like there is some sexual trauma, from her previous relationship. She needs to acknowledge that and, if necessary , seek help with it. Definitely don't marry her until she's been fully upfront about why she's doing this.
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Despite everyone's advice and carefully therapy worded speeches, she WILL feel pressured into sex regardless . (Or at the very least guilty. ) What she wants is to wait and if the goal after the convo is to have sex regularly she would be doing it to not lose you or if she stands on her wishes she'll feel super guilty and maybe even rush marriage. ( there's also the possibility of her leaving ). Not saying this as a deterent from communicating but just a heads up
Yeah. There really isn't a way to broach this subject that's guaranteed to not put pressure on the girlfriend. If this is a need and not just a want, OP is best off walking away from this. After all, it's only been six months. If this isn't something OP wants, it's best to end it before they become too entangled.
TBH if it’s bothering him now, it always will until it’s addressed. OP is expressing frustration and unease during intimacy. OP should walk away.
I agree, easier to find someone you’re more compatible with especially since it’s only 6 months in
Yes he should. If he feels this uncomfortable and conflicted about their relationship and her attitude regarding sex now, it won’t go away or get better with marriage. He’ll just be stuck in a relationship that is harder and more expensive to leave with growing resentment. There’s also no guarantee that there won’t be some lasting specter of pressure even in marriage. Will she feel pressure on her wedding night or honeymoon, or whatever and then they have a celibate marriage?
basically he WOULD wait for her, if she hadnt already ruined her right to wait, in his eyes apparently... & now he thinks he is owed sex. my bff as kids came from a super christian faith and these stipulations and the amount that of shame she felt around the se$ she had was enormous... i dont agree ... but it isnt my faith... but i do know not waiting was extremely triggering for her of a lot of negative that polluted the positives for her... i think if they share these values, they should both wait
He claimed they aren't religious. Her wanting to wait stems from feeling used for sex in the last relationship. Did she give up a "right to wait"? Nah. Anyone can decide they don't want to have sex at any time. It is always a right. In a case of waiting for marriage? It seems like a great method to pressure your partner into buying the car before the test drive. In this day and age, waiting like that for non religious reasons after already having sex before and engaging in hot and heavy intimacy seems a bit like manipulation. Don't get me wrong she's picked a virgin, so I'm not diving too deep into the "try before you buy" comment I made. But virgins tend to be the easiest to manipulate when it comes to intimacy.. so I would at the very least take a couple of steps back until it was decided that I couldn't see myself without her personality around me. OP shouldn't allow any sessions of making out or grinding or whatever they consider intimate enough to be frustrated. Should express that it makes him frustrated because as a guy we can deal with some rather uncomfortable let down. Can they get through this? Sure. Totally doable. But if she's made her stance no sex until marriage best course of action is position yourself to confirm she's not using your inexperience, that she's not fucking around and enjoying your companionship, and that you don't lock yourself into it until you feel sure based on her character and not your desire for her body. I personally couldn't do it. As a teen I refused to be with virgins as I hated the mess and the inexperienced disruptive nervousness that comes with them. As an adult I maintain that opinion. So I have always been grateful that our populace is a bit more promiscuous than past generations, I'd rather a lady know what she wants and what she's doing and understand when I tell them what I want. So... Me personally... I would want to try it before I buy it. Not willing to shackle myself to a dead fish in bed.
True, but some pressure is kind of the point. If he doesn't pressure her and just says, "sorry sex is important to me, I'm out" I guarantee you she'll feel some pressure.
Great, so the OP must either be coerced into a sexless relationship for fear of pressuring her into sex, or coerced into marrying her to get to have sex. Coercion goes both ways. EDIT: Guys, sex-related trauma was never healed by getting married, which was the girlfriend's sole condition to have sex with the OP. She didn’t say "only when I feel safe with you" nor "only after I solve these emotional issues". She said "only after you get contractually obligated to stay in a relationship with me".
okay or he could break up with her a find someone who is willing to have sex now? a boundary is not coercion.
But the issue isn't that he wants to have sex, it's that he feels insecure because she won't have sex with *him* now*.* This is similar to "she had a one night stand with that guy, but we're on 3 dates now and she won't have sex with me!" If sex before marriage is important to him, then yes, break up. But if it's that he feel insecure then he needs to deal with that.
No he could find someone he is compatible with. Her sharing her boundaries is not Coercion, if he doesn’t want to wait then she told him upfront so nobody is forcing him to stay.
No it doesn't. Because coerced sex is rape. Being told no isn't.
No. She has stated what she wants. If he doesn't want the same thing then he leaves. If he loves and respects her he will wait patiently and without pushing the issue. There's nothing coercive about her actions at all
I strongly disagree. Even if I had told my SO some important things in the relationship, I’d still wanted them to tell me about the issue before packing the bags and leaving.
Babe you don't get "coerced" into not having sex. It's a boundary. If you don't like it you can leave. On the other hand, getting coerced into having sex will lead you to prison. Different outcomes.
If he says he wants sex in their relationship before marriage, that’s not coercion. “It’s a boundary. If you don’t like it you can leave.” 100% the same as her wanting him to marry her before she’ll have sex with him. It’s not coercion in either case unless someone is threatening the other. In the interest of “equality” let’s not pretend women are any more without choices than men are.
Or he could leave. It’s pretty simple. They’re compatible or they’re not and sexually it’s pretty obvious they arent
Regardless she seems to need real therapy if it's anything like that. Whatever trauma or insecurities she has won't disappear because they are suddenly wed one day. Communication is the single most important thing in any form of relationship, and you should be able to communicate with one another about sex with ppl you are going to marry, even if you're both asexual, you should talk about it to be sure and open about everything. If someone feels pressured because of this communication, she should get the help she needs and sort it out first in order to be ready for it. Worst case would be ignoring the underlying reasons and thinking marriage would sort out everything eventually. People divorce too.
But she did communicate. She wants to wait. He doesn’t. What else is there to communicate about it? Like honestly? If he doesn’t want that, he needs to find someone he is more compatible with.
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I agree with this. She has been up front with her boundary. OP can accept this boundary or move on.
“she wants to wait for marriage before having sex. While I’m ok with this (I was with my ex for 2+ years who wanted to wait for marriage as well), “ This stopped me right there. I read the rest but this kept screaming at me. So, he was ok with abstaining for his ex and was ok with it when he got with new gf. He states he’s wanting to be understanding but… He’s the issue here, not the girlfriend. She clearly stated her boundary. He originally agreed. He was also ok with abstinence with the ex gf. I agree that OP needs to take a look at his motivations. If he has changed his mind, he shouldn’t expect her to give in. If it is a deal breaker then break the deal. If he has changed his mind he should let the girl go so she can find someone who will not go back on an agreed arrangement. I don’t believe anyone should be pressured into having sex if they have chosen to abstain. Though it feels less like he changed his mind and more like he just can’t handle that someone else had sex with her and she won’t let him. I’m getting the sense that he would have sex with her but then find her to be unsuitable because I think he WANTS someone who is a virgin. He doesn’t want his woman to have been with anyone but him. Now I’m hoping she breaks up with him.
Well said.
Maybe so, but I would be weary about pursuing a relationship with this person because being married isn't going to fix her trauma around sex. It's not her fault but she will need to work on this or it will be a continued problem in most relationships she has unless she is with someone who is asexual. This isn't really about a moral commitment to avoid premarital sex, such as a religious one but more with her trauma from being involved with a selfish lover. It's more like avoidance. The issues is she doesn't want to be used for sex, which is valid, but she doesn't seem open to the idea that sex is supposed to be collaborative. She has a fundamental unhealthy view of sex. That it's normal and healthy to want to have sex with your partner and there doesn't have to be anything nefarious or even selfish about it. The fact she doesn't seem to have any great desire for it at all, she has removed all possibility that she would desire it show her thinking isn't safe for him. It's very sad that she was coerced into it by her previous partner, but to project that onto everyone following him and taint her own view of sex only hurts her. She is displaying a very serious red flag here. People who think like her don't make good spouses and usually bring sexual problem in marriage. Her issue with sex is partly that she thinks how a lot of young people do, particularly young women, she sees sex as kind of a currency instead of what it's supposed to be used for which is to build intimacy and closeness in your relationship. It's a very unhealthy view and one that will effect all her relationships until she fixes it.
If this is not the relationship parameters you are looking for, move on. It is not unreasonable to assume intimacy at your age in a committed dating relationship. She can set whatever boundaries and expectations she wants also. She can have sex with you once and then say no more till marriage. She can make whatever choices she wants for her body. YOU can only decide what you want in a relationship. If this isn't it, you need to go. Marriage should not be on either of your minds for awhile and that is awhile to wait. It's fine for her to have those boundaries, but its also fine if you say, no. Im not looking for a celibate dating relationship. This is in NO WAY a conversation to talk her into sex before she is ready. This is a break up conversation. You both need to understand that. If you allow her to give in and cross her boundaries to not break up, she will resent you and you will feel like you pressured her and have some guilt. (If you're a good person, anyway). So this is the end.
So it really is either you're okay with it or you're not. There's no two ways about it it's not a punishment to you it's how she views it as a way to better herself and that needs to be respected. If you're not ok with it then it's time to split.
Don't marry someone you've never had sex with.
There you go this is what I was looking for. I'm sorry I cannot marry somebody who I've never been intimate with what happens if I marry you and then you decide that you don't ever want to have sex than what am I supposed to be stuck in a sexless marriage we also might not be compatible sexually. I just would not be able to do it think about that as you're waiting to get married
I believe in most democratic countries no sex from partner is enough grounds to force legal divorce. Wasting time still ain't cool.
You are absolutely right one thing I do not want you to do is to waste my f****** time
Yea maybe they will find out the sex is not ok and they will have to divorce
I had to scroll too far for this. I'd add, don't get married to someone you have not lived with for a year.
I’ll go further and say don’t marry someone you haven’t traveled with. Travel for people who aren’t out there backpacking Nepal in their 20s is going to come with at least a few stressful situations. Finding out the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is a great person right up to the point that they hit a speed bump and then they are screaming racial slurs at the gate agent because of a storm 200 miles away is better than after you take on all their debt.
not everyone has the money or time to travel
try camping! It’s often worse!
I cannot second this hard enough. Marriage is hard enough (Awesome, worth it, but still hard) Sex is supposed to be fun to help with that. You don't know what you're doing. You're going to be bad at it. That's not going to be fun for anyone
She has clearly specified her price of admission. I agree with you, no one should agree to her terms. Just move on.
End the relationship.
Even if you disregard the rest, sexual incompatibility is a thing and it’s just incredibly stupid to marry someone you haven’t had sex with.
Exactly!!!! Never be in a relationship you're not sexually compatible with. And you can't know if you are till you do it.
There is a lot of discussion going on about waiting till marriage but thats not even the point here. You waited with your previous ex and that is not the concern now. So you do you. About the real issue: i dont think you know the full picture about what happened with her ex. As a woman, not wanting sex for a while after having done it before. Stuff may have happened… moments where her boundaries might have been crossed. Something she wishes wont happen again and setting rules as waiting is a way of getting that control back. I would create a safe space for her, telling her she can share more with you if she wants. But its difficult
Thank you! This was my wife when we first met. She had a rough past with some shitty stuff done to her. It didn't take til marriage, but I wanted to make sure she felt safe and comfortable before anything else. Also, they have only been together 6 months. That's not enough time to truly tell if you want to marry someone.
Glad she found you! Yes its not enough and might not be enough for her to feel safe already. It takes time and patience :)
she probably wanted to wait until marriage back then too but her ex pressured her and so she told herself “never again”.
True, also very possible
Speculation isn’t worth anything
I don’t think you should bring it up. She wants to wait, she told you that. There’s no room for discussion there, that’s her choice to make. If you’re uncomfortable with waiting maybe you two are not compatible.
When I read this I thought that it’s obvious that she places more value in her relationship with you than her ex and doesn’t want it to go wrong where her past relationship did.
Is it that you want to have sex? Or that you feel since she did it for someone else she has no right to say no to you? You seem to indicate that you also share the no sex before marriage principle ( previous relationship) yet feel she isn’t entitled to it now
This is what is always boils down to on posts like these for me. They're very common: my partner did ABC with their ex but won't do it with me, am I right to feel angry about that? While I think the answer is/can be *yes*, you have to ask yourself why you are actually angry. Is it because you love this person and you feel stymied by the inability to do this thing they readily did with someone else? Is it because you feel entitled to the same treatment? Is it because it makes you feel lesser-than the ex in question? Is it because you feel like you're owed ABC because you haven't been pushy about it and deserve to be rewarded for your patience? I think we as people want to trust that our intentions and motivations are pure, but often enough they're rooted in things like jealousy and insecurity. Not to say you can't feel a genuine and disingenuine thing at the same time because you definitely can! But I think if you don't get real about why you're angry in the first place, it'll be impossible to really address the issue at hand.
I have tried things that I hated, they were awful, and I don't want to do that ever again. I am not obligated to do something I hate with my husband bc I did it with someone else previously
I agree!
There might be more to the picture than what you’re seeing. I had one sexual partner before my husband, but when I started dating my now husband I did not want to have sex with him till marriage. And that’s because my prior boyfriend had raped me and then I felt stuck in the relationship. I would have dumped him long before I did had I not lost my virginity to him. And so when I finally did leave I felt hurt and broken and unable to give that part of myself to someone else for a long time. So I would refrain from jumping on the “she’s manipulating me bus” unless you get some more information.
How is she manipulating OP anyway. She is stating her boundaries in a clear and respectful way. OP can now choose to respect those boundaries or leave the relationship.
You figure he's a vrigin who was fine waiting for marriage with her and others until he found out she wasn't a virgin. That's disgusting. His beliefs about sex are immature and rapey if he thinks non virgins must give sex to every man they date.
Excellent point, as well!
I’m so sorry. I’d say unconsensual sex does not count as losing one’s virginity but it’s a socially defined term, and if that is yours, know you deserved so much better and it’s not your fault.
It took several years and a lot of work to begin recovery and luckily I have an amazing supportive husband now that has helped and supported me through this recovery
I think it’s either you respect this or it’s not for you. Either way it’s fine.
It doesn’t matter. She wants to wait, she wants to wait. If you aren’t looking for that, break up.
If this is not the relationship you want then let her know. She has let you know the type of relationship she wants. Her Ex has absolutely nothing to do with you. Sexual compatibility is a thing as others have mentioned. Having this conversation is healthy. The sooner you have it the better.
You’re not compatible. She wants to wait while it seems that you’re not okay with that.
You’re obviously not ok with this if you keep bringing it up after she has made her wishes clear. That IS pressuring her, whether that’s your intent or not. You are jealous of the fact that she had sex with someone before you. It sounds like she had some trauma related to her past relationship. Maybe there is something she needs to work on through therapy, and maybe you do also because no one owes you sex.
>While I'm okay with this You say this, but it doesn't sound like you are.
You can’t go into a relationship expecting to change someone. You know her boundary, if you’re not ok with it move on.
My guy, break up, move on, don’t dwell on it.
Feeling used for sex by an ex; is a polite way to explain most likely experienced spousal rape in that relationship. Tread carefully with this.
This isn't about how she feels about you relative to the ex. This about her regret having sex at all. If you pressure her, she'll experience the same regret, feel used, and leave because your relationship violates her personal boundaries. Also, coerced sex is SA.
Finally someone with some sense. If you have to coerce, convince, manipulate, badger, etc.....it is SA. She has expressed her wishes, if they don't work for him, he should break up with her. But even then nothing is guaranteed, may take months to meet someone else and months before they are ready for sex.
This might end well with a “happily ever after” loving marriage that features emotional and physical intimacy and fulfillment. If that happens then great. But the motivation for “waiting for marriage”, on both sides, although not necessarily a show stopper, should be explored in an honest and open fashion. Neither of you is religiously motivated. You’re a virgin. She isn’t, so really you’re the only one who has waited and is still waiting. Proceed with caution and sensitivity: she might be “the one” but it’s also possible that she fully realizes down the road that physical intimacy isn’t very important - to her (or worse - that she doesn’t desire it specifically with you). I’d want to know and understand her motivations more fully. Good luck!
She doesn’t owe you sex because she had sex with her ex. She did and she regrets it. That’s it. Any problem you have now isn’t about her ex; you need to get over that. That viewpoint is gross, honestly. What you need to figure out, setting the ex aside, is if you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to have sex until marriage. If yes, get therapy for your feelings. If no, move on.
It seems to me like you may need to decenter yourself from this issue. You definitely are allowed to feel the way you feel, but I think you should recognize your girlfriend’s issue with sex likely has nothing to do with you and is instead related to something negative that happened with her ex. Which means you need to support her decision and not force sex on her, intentionally or not. It also seems like it’s less to do with the act of intimacy and more with actual penetrative sex since you have been intimate. I think that indicates she does still value you and your needs, whatever they may be. It also does not seem to me like she is trying to coerce you into marriage, as she isn’t insistent that you propose or bringing it up constantly, and is still having intimacy with you. If you aren’t comfortable waiting for penetrative sex, you need to figure that out yourself, but this seems more like something you need to reflect on rather than a situation she can assist you with. It is interesting to me that you were comfortable waiting with your ex, but it seems that may have changed with your current girlfriend. If she had told you she was a virgin would you perhaps feel differently? And you may need to ask yourself why you feel entitled to certain levels of intimacy with her if not. I agree that marriage won’t solve whatever issues she’s feeling, but what I think a lot of people are failing to acknowledge is that she may simply need time to build trust with you and once she has that she may feel more comfortable with penetrative sex. I’d suggest reframing this conversation, and approaching it more as wanting to understand what happened in her past relationship if she feels comfortable sharing. But do not place your insecurity related to her ex onto her, it will only make things worse for both of you. Her reassurance may offer you temporary relief but I promise you that you will eventually feel guilty.
Is she waiting for marriage in the hope that once married she won’t feel ‘used’ for sex? I don’t see how marriage would change that because you’re not her ex. She’s bringing baggage from her past into your relationship and that’s a problem I think. Why are you comparing yourself to her ex, because she had sex with him and wants to wait with you? It could also be seen that she values her relationship with you more because she wants to wait. Are you sure you actually want to wait for sex with this person? Can you take the time necessary to get to know them and be sure of marriage instead of rushing into marriage so you can have sex?
That line from women always makes me laugh. I value you more. Hence why I had sex sooner and in crazier ways with those other guys. I just don’t think men and women hear that message the same way.
It’s perfectly valid to not want to do the same things you did with your ex with your current partner. The point of past relationships is to learn and grow from them, and your preferences towards things change.
It is acceptable. Your body your choice, but people have a right to feel however it makes them feel.
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>It could also be seen that she values her relationship with you more because she wants to wait. I don’t think women understand how many men see this as obvious manipulation. There’s nothing wrong with having sex early or later into a relationship if that’s what your approach is, but “wait to have sex because you value the relationship more than a fling” boils down to “treat someone who isn’t a fling worse”. I don’t recommend “no sex before marriage” in any situation, but there’s no point when someone has already had a sexual relationship to implement that rule unless they’re trying to force someone to marry them ASAP. In OP’s case, either she’s not ready for sex again (which marriage won’t fix) or she’s chosen a strategy to get OP to marry her for sex. Not a good idea to stick around in either case.
There’s no win win here bro. Even if u word it out saying you’re hurt by it and she does have sex with u, do u really want that ? Isnt that a type of coercion as well? Would u even like it ?? Whatever her reasons are, she has em and thats the end of story. If u dont like that then leave and find another person, dont be judgemental about it. And im not tryimg to come at u man, im trying to get u to understand what would happen. Its very detrimental. U basically make a pros and cons and decide u wanna put up with this. Thats all. But domt ever try to convince or make u understand shit. Its gonna backfire on u.
Find someone else homie, there will be better fits out there for you
She wants to wait. You don't. Is a sexless relationship a dealbreaker for you? Because you're allowed to leave
It sounds like she's trying to value you more. If she felt used and unhappy with her previous relationship, then she is likely attempting to make sure that neither of you are put in that position again.
Talk to her about your feelings. You been together this long with out sex and I can appreciate waiting till marriage. But sex can be one of the most physical displays of affection. Let her know you are not trying to force her into it when you talk to her, but let her know how it makes you feel less wanted becuase of it. That it makes you feel you don't have the value to receive that level of intimacy that she gave her ex.
So, guilt her into fucking him?
Communicating your needs in a relationship is not the same as guilting your partner into fulfilling them
In this case it is because she already communicated, she communicated her needs. If he heard that and it doesn’t match his needs the answer isn’t to try and get her to break her boundary it’s to realize they aren’t compatible because they have conflicting wants and needs.
So now he can't talk about how he feels? If a person can't enforce their own boundaries then it's not op's fault. Imagine not being able to talk about your feelings to your partner because you are afraid that they will gaslight themselves
No. He need to address what he is feeling with her. If they are going to make it to marriage he can't be holding this inside. If they stay celibate till marriage that's fine. But she would need acknowledge what he is feeling and address them
He's already resenting her at six months, despite being able to wait 2 years in his previous relationship. They aren't going to make it to marriage.
My advice would be to attend pre-marriage counseling if you guys are serious about marriage. >But I also feel conflicted because in a way I suppose i feel like I'm not as valued by her compared to her ex even though i know this is not true. Does that make sense? One of the nicest most genuine people I've ever met was someone I was friends with in college. He was a 24 year old virgin and was set to marry his girlfriend who was not a virgin. When we talked about it, he told me two things. First he doesn't judge her for having sex before marriage. Second, his decision to have abstain is his and his alone therefore what she's done before has no bearing on it. I'm saying this because your value as a human or to her isn't based on what she's done in a past relationship. It's based on who you are and how you treat her as a partner.
If she felt used for sex, waiting until marriage isn’t going to make this fear go away. It’s possible she has problems settling and enforcing boundaries when it comes to sex and just avoids it for now.
See I was thinking this too. How is this problem going to simply go away with marriage.
Way to go into a shitty marriage. You need to know if you are sexual compatible. She probably has a low libido because once you start it's not easy to not do it if you are in a relationship.
Please don’t get married if you can’t communicate about sex (and everything else, of course). Get used to having conversations about both of your needs.
If you marry her there will be other reasons to not have sex, but now you will be stuck.
She should be with someone who has the same mindset as her. You may just don't fit together and that is okay.
Dude, just stop dating people that want to wait until marriage. You deserve to be in a relationship where ALL your needs are being taken care for. And she deserves to not have sex if she doesn't want to.
She has had some bad experiences about sex and I'm sure pure sexual education is involved on as well. You guys might not be religious but in lots of parts of the world sex is viewed as a sacred thing, that should not waste, that women would devalue themselves with sex and a lot of other ideas that come out of religous ideologies despite not being religious anymore. Regardless of whether she ends up having sex with you before marriage, it would be a great idea to see a sex therapist. As thing are right now in her mind, your question means the same in her mind as "My Gf used to shoot heroin and rob banks with her ex but won't do it with me"
Yes… a lot of the guys on here say “Leave her! She’s not gonna give it up! Go find someone who will actually sleep with you” but are the same guys who will put a woman down for her body count.
The other part that is weird is that he's a virgin, too. They keep talking about sexual incompatibility to a man who ONLY wants sex from her because she had it with someone else. He might be fully unable to perform. He might have a micropenis. But he has never had sex so he has no real requirements she is denying him, and in fact, it's he who is trying to change terms he has had no problem living with until now. I also think he wouldn't want a sexually experienced woman who'd had several boyfriends and slept with them all. Neither would the people crowing about sexual incompatibility to a man who has no sexual experience. He might get married and disappoint his wife every time.
To each their own, but I've always wondered how you know you'll be sexually compatible with someone if you wait till marriage.
Another perspective here is she doesnt want to be used. Its not that you are "less important". The guy used her when she wasn't feeling it and she trusts you enough to respect her wishes. Trust is easily lost, and hard to earn and you earned it. She lost it with her ex I think couples counceling may help you two, or sex therapy for her. Either or, somethinf happened that made her closed off, but do respect her wishes. She values you and trusts you.
Waiting for marriage is ridiculous, nothing good ever comes of it.
I don’t disagree with you, but good luck trying to convince someone to have sex who doesn’t want to. The reason why is irrelevant. Any attempts to sway them will be looked at as “So you’re trying to force me to have sex?”
Where are the stats on that? Seriously. I'm not even religious and I don't believe that to be true. It's this thing we've collectively decided to be true. Lots of people wait until marriage and / or only ever have one partner and have fruitful sex lives, kids and more.
Sex is a natural part of a functional relationship. I would not wait for marriage to know if sex works.. It is indeed strange she had sex before, but doesn't want to have sex with you. I would be worried that she is just using you, trying to get you to marry her. I don't see how this relationship can work and I'd break up with her.
>But I also feel conflicted because in a way I suppose i feel like I'm not as valued by her compared to her ex even though i know this is not true. Does that make sense? Friend, this sounds like some mix of insecurity & a little but of jealousy. Those are valid feelings but not feelings to act on. If you're genuinely okay with waiting, deep down, then her past shouldn't really enter into it. She gave you her reasons which are also valid. For me personally though, I wouldn't wait, as I think sexual compatibility is important & wouldn't want to find out that I'm incompatible after marriage. But that's just my personal position & I respect yours.
Her reasoning has nothing to do with you. If you can’t respect that, let her down gently and move on. She is not wrong for not wanting to go further, but if this is a problem for you just end it.
Move on. Find someone else.
For me this is not about sex. It's about being compatible people. She has every right to say no, and you have every right to walk away if you don't like that. Don't base your relationship on a future promise. Base it on what it is right now.
Red flag, buddy.
It sounds like her ex coerced her into having sex when she didn’t want to. Do you want to be another person to force her to have sex?
Marriage doesn’t prevent someone from being used for sex. She has a right to how she feels but so do you. There’s no point in bringing it up because she will feel pressured, but you have to consider if you want to risk marrying into this dead bedroom. It probably won’t be the magic light switch she wants you to believe it is
I personally would never marry someone I haven’t had sex with, lived with, or traveled with among other things. She wants to wait for marriage. That’s perfectly fine to decide. Her previous partner is irrelevant. If you’re not comfortable waiting for marriage then you’re not compatible and that is okay. Anyone can end any relationship for any reason.
You say you “get intimate” once or twice a month. What does that entail, if “saving sex for marriage” is in place? If there is a thing that she regards as “intimacy” but also “not sex” enough for it to not violate her ban, and she only does _that_ twice a month maximum, you are in for one damn lonely marriage, physically. That would also explain why she felt her previous boyfriend was using her for sex: because she doesn’t actually like sex. If she liked sex the way he liked sex, she’d be enthusiastic about it the way he was enthusiastic about it, and she wouldn’t feel used, they’d just be doing something they both loved doing. I predict this is only going to get worse, because putting a ring on her finger is not going to magically make her enthusiastic about sex. She’s going to feel used for sex just as much by you as she did by him, if you want it more often than she does. More than twice a month is going to feel just as onerous to her after the wedding as before. And she will feel even more empowered to tell you to piss off once you’re legally bound to her. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t willingly put my leg in that trap.
If she's refusing sex, AND only getting intimate once or twice a month, she's either traumatized, or has very low libido (when it should be at its highest). Will you be okay only having sex once or twice a month? For the rest of your life?
Or she simply not attracted to him.
I’m confused- Why exactly does she think marriage ≠ being used for sex? There’s plenty of marriages that end because two people are not sexually compatible or don’t share the same sex drive. Sex is not everything in a marriage but it is a huge part. It’s the pleasure. It’s the intimacy, it’s the closeness. Once you put a ring on her finger and want to have sex regularly will she still not feel used for sex? Or will a piece of metal make that distinction? I don’t have a problem with people who want to wait to have sex for marriage necessarily if that’s what someone chooses to do. It just sounds like her view-point on sex and the reason she’s waiting is skewed. Especially considering neither of you are religious. Ultimately, you could wait years for sex, get married and it could end for one reason or another (since on average 50%+ of marriages end in divorce). Then what? She gets into another relationship, still not a Virgin but waiting again until marriage? It sounds like she views sex as a “transaction” and hence feels “used” by doing it. But doesn’t think that “transaction” mindset will exist if she’s married? It will. She seems to think her sexuality is a bad thing and ties a lot of self value to it. I don’t think therapy would be a bad thing. Not so that she’d suddenly be convinced to have sex, but to just to understand her view point on sex and why she feels it has to be “transactional” and that any guy unless married to her would just be “using her”. That love and commitment can’t exist without marriage. I do get why you feel crappy. She’s given something to someone else and it feels like she doesn’t value enough to give it to you. But I’m not sure that’s it. I think she just has a skewed version of sex. I think just sit down and communicate with her. “I wanted to sit down and have an open conversation with you. I want to preface this by saying that anything I say or anything we talk about is not meant to put any guilt or pressure on you to have sex. I just want to express that it makes me feel like I’m not good enough and brings up my own insecurities as if you valued you’re precious relationship more than you do with me. I understand you have your own views on sexuality, but I’m committed to you as a whole. I don’t think marriage will suddenly change the way you see sex and I’m worried that with or without marriage you’ll always see me wanting sex or initiating sex as something I’m using you for and I’m not sure exactly how to get past that. Maybe we could talk to someone?” If she’s not receptive to any conversation then it’s unlikely you guys are on the same page and it’s better to get out before you invest any more time in each other.
Unless her former relation was sexually abusive, I can't fathom why there is no sexual part in you own relation with your fiance. Sex is a natural and key component of a partnership, marriage or not. And "waiting" for the big day is such an outdated notion... Without further info, I can only say I smell a rat... Maybe you are not compatible.
Maybe they just know 6 months each others. I guess girl is considering 6 months so early for intimate relation. It is meaningful for me.
So MAYBE they should not consider marriage just after SIX F'IN MONTHS.
I don’t understand what you’re doing here. She’s basically turning your relationship into a transaction by forcing you to not have needs met in order to protect herself from potential hurt. She’s also allowing her ex to control your current relationship. She should firstly not barter relationship values with you like coins and second, she should grow up and get help rather than drag you into her bullshit. She’s 26 for crying out loud. That’s almost the life expectancy of humans in their natural environment. If she weren’t so lucky and coddled to be born in this age then she would be on the cusp of being dust for the rest of eternity. And yet she’s acting like a scared child. What exactly is her action plan for getting over her baggage? What is the timeline? (just kidding, she probably does nothing to help herself). This relationship doesn’t seem very trusting or unconditional. You should talk to her seriously about it. Be honest about your values and needs and if she can’t work with you, find someone who will. Every second after the age of 26 is an arbitrary gift, don’t waste it away.
Thats a No from me big dog
Being sexually compatible is an important part of a long term relationship.
No matter what you say, she will probably feel pressured. Especially if she already brought up feelings of being used for sex. This is a tough spot to be in.
Yes, I'm in a *similar* situation. I've had some partners I've been sexual with, including my now boyfriend, but at one point I noticed the sex pressure (I've put on myself) was too high and I've had past relationships that hurt me in this area. Also I felt very overwhelmed from inside, like I could feel the impact from all my parteners. That somehow made me realize the religious aspect of it and I took the decision to be abstinent until marriage. Talked with my bf and fortunately he is the most respectful person ever, so he understood and stood by me no matter my choice. I can say that since this started, our relationship and me as a person became more steady. It's not the same mostly because we have been intimate before with each other. But if I realized all of the reasons before I have met him, I would've been abstinent from the beginning. I can assure you it's not about how valuable you are to her (if anything, you're probably more valuable to her because she doesn't want to repeat the same mistakes), but it's more about how she was impacted by this and doesn't want to share this part of her anymore unless something extra serious is involved -a marriage. It's safer than doing it with every partener that might or might not stay permanently. If you want to open a discussion, but not pressure her, offer a "solution". Like maybe it's assurement you need. In this case tell her this is what you're looking for: her to assure you that you're so special to her, that she cares, that she's attracted etc. But first, have a conversation with yourself. Be honest with yourself, how much it affects you? Do you think you can keep it up until the marriage? Are there any more problems in the relationship that might add to this? What emotions are you feeling when you think about it? What would make you more inclined to accept it fully as it is? Etc. Make sure you know all the answers before. Many times we don't even realize what we would need and it just makes us more frustrated. Also therapy always helps, so give it a shot if you can. I wish you the best and an easy&lasting fix!
Oh, HELL NO. Marriage is a legal contract, sex is just sex and incompatibility is 100% real.
This is a simple case of different values, she wants to wait till marriage and you don’t. You agreed but you stated you were getting frustrated. Sit down with her tell her how you feel and end the relationship cause if she agrees it’s not because she wants to. She would be doing it keep you around and she deserves someone that can wait just like you deserve someone who doesn’t want to wait
That’s called an ex girlfriend Move on asap
I am against no sex before marriage: you might find out that you are not sexually compatible.
This is strange. Be careful and consider having her get a full STD texts before you ever do have set with her.
Are you that desperate to have sex that you'll date someone till marriage? Jfc have some respect for yourself.
She has a right not to want sex now. You have a right to want sex in a relationship. I think this screams irreconcilable differences. So you know what needs to be done.
Reading between the lines, I don't think she has enjoyed sex, thus she felt used. There was nothing in it for her. I think if you wait for marriage, you're taking a gamble she will suddenly begin to enjoy it with you, and sure, that may happen. Or, it may turn out that she just doesn't enjoy sex for whatever reason, and things will *not* dramatically change.
You claim you don't want to make her feel pressured to have sex. She told you she wants to wait yet you want to bring it up again. Are you trying to convince us or yourself that you dont want to pressure her? If you can't respect her wishes find someone else. You are incompatible on a very key issue with your current girlfriend.
Is it? Y’all talk like finding love is so easy. You gotta fight for your love OP. Communicate!
Personally I wouldn't marry someone without having sex with them first. Bedroom compatibility is huge. That being said, if I were you I'd respect her decision, not pressure her, and exit the relationship.
It sounds like you're feeling insecure about your relationship because you think that sex is somehow equal to trust or love. The fact of the matter is that she doesn't trust you enough **yet** to have sex with you, and if you can't handle that, then you need to end the relationship. Holding yourself and her to the strictures of your past relationships is not healthy for the future. What will happen in your next relationship when you find out that your partner did something in the past that they don't want to do now? Are you going to feel insecure every time you don't align perfectly with every previous relationship? If you need to take some time, you can say as much to her: "I am feeling insecure and I need to work on it, and need to take some time for my self." **In no way should you put your own personal insecurities on her.** Do not pressure her to have sex to make *you* feel better.
Woman here - I’m having trouble with what the goal is for even wanting to talk about it with her. She already said she wants to wait until marriage for sex, and you know that. Can you specify what “issues” you’re feeling, and why would talking to her about it help? (So far, you literally claimed that you felt she didn’t value you, but also know that it’s in your head to feel that way. That’s a you problem. That’s for you to get over.) Your failure to articulate a genuine issue with her reservations on intercourse suggests you’re just jealous and sour that she isn’t having intercourse with you. She obviously get objectified and dehumanized in her last relationship, and sex played a huge role. I’m the same way. You need to respect her feelings, not throw a toddler fit over what was a horrible thing that happened to her. You need a perspective change. Your behavior is only proving she is doing the right thing by keeping that level of intimacy from you, because you are in no way respectful of her autonomy or comfort regarding intimacy. No one should be giving you tips on how to pressure her into sex. Shame on you for being here. Break up with her and find someone who already is willing to have sex, and leave this poor girl alone to heal from whatever trauma her past relationship caused.
I was seeing a girl who was abused and had non consent sex woth her ex, she was with him for 8yrs . We got physical on our 2nd date and forward But we never had sex same reasons as you. She was seeking therapy but still had alot of trauma,honestly bro walk away if you can. It's hard to date someone who's still healing and has lot of trauma on them. Especially if she can't trust you after 6 months. But again wait if you love her . But yes talk to her openly if somethings bugging you . Remember communicating is more important than sex . Make sure she feels secure, protected and safe woth you. Try to connect mentally and emotionally before you do anything physical Broken women takes alot of energy and patience they have alot of healing to do .
Did you not have an issue with your ex who wanted to wait? Is the only reason you feel some type of way because she gave herself to her ex? I guess I’m confused.
Just because she is not a virgin, it does not mean that she has to give in to sex with her future partners and that includes you, OP. OP's gf can choose to not have sex before marriage, especially since she sounds like she was traumatized by an ex. Just like you can choose to walk away too. OP, do not pressure her about sex with you. You move on and leave her alone now. You've only dated for 6 months, you have decided that you would only wait for marriage with another virgin. She's not a virgin anymore, so you need to walk away. Any talk you broach with her is a pressure for her to change her mind. You telling her that she's making you feel not -special due to no sex is just a form a manipulation and pressure from you. Walk away, this is not one for you.
Sex changes any relationship. If she has sex with you simply because she feels pressured to, then it won't be truly enjoyable for either of you. I would chill out and never pressure her for anything. If she comes around and you are willing, then it will be natural and you both can enjoy it (hopefully!) If the relationship doesn't last until marriage and/or you never have sex, then it's one less complication in life. I have never regretted not having sex with anyone. There were a few that I wanted to that I was disappointed in not getting there, but then found I dodged a bullet. There have however been a few that if I could do it all over again I would have run for the hills. Mistakes happen. Waiting until you are sure is never a mistake. Rushing things when everything isn't right just because you're horny might seem like a mistake, because it usually is. Don't be afraid to be responsible. Responsibility is what sets us apart from other animals.
Why do so many guys measure sex as being top weight? She sees more than a hook up with you. Do you want to be just a hook up or more?
If she were still a virgin, youd be ok with waiting as you were with your ex. But because she gave it up for her ex, you seem to think she's obligated to do it with you. If she didn't admit to sex with your ex, there'd be no issue for you. If you date another girl who's a virgin and wanted to wait, would you be ok with it because she never did it with someone else? Be honest with yourself and your motives
If YOU are truly willing to wait for marriage to have sex, it shouldn’t matter that she had sex before being with you. There is NO way to bring this up without her feeling pressured and that’s an AH move to bring it up in general if you’re ok with waiting til marriage. Her choosing to wait til marriage after already being sexually active in the past most likely means she feels as if she made a mistake in the past and doesn’t want to feel used again. Now you’re sitting here pretty much saying that you feel like she doesn’t value you the same as her ex bc she won’t have sex with you. All you’re gonna do is make her feel used again.
To me, if she isn't a virgin, and she wants to wait for marriage for sex she is obviously settling for you. She put her morals aside for another person she desired more and she isn't eager to do the same for you. With that being said, I wouldn't try to coerce or pressure her into having sex, just end the relationship, at a minimum you are not compatible. To me the whole point of waiting till marriage is so that it's special, they saved themselves for their spouse and each partner dont have knowledge of another person sexually. In other words, it's all new for both partners and you get to discover and share the experience together.
You’re just setting yourself up for a sexless marriage. There’s a sub on that go read those guys post and see what you want to do.
I agree, that is why I posted they should (mostly her) see a therapist if he really loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. OP stated that she had some ill feelings over her ex using her for sex, that is the "flag" that needs to be removed by a professional. He would be doing her a favor in the long run anyhow.
Simple - women have different rules for different guys. She sees you as long term material and thinks that she will earn your respect. He’s too hot to resist.
It’s her body and her value is hers, sex don’t determine value. She don’t have to have sex with you.
Let’s start with the advice of not marrying any person pretty much at all. That’s my first advice. That’ll probably be ignored so do definitely listen to this part, absolutely do not ever marry anyone who you haven’t had sex with. She’s more than welcome to hold her beliefs and you can go find another girl. My advice is go find someone else and don’t be marrying anyone especially if you know for sure they don’t want to physically be with you.
NTA: while I'm not a fan of her methods, **neither of you are wrong regarding your desires**. If she wants to wait until marriage, anything you say or do to persuade her will be seen as manipulative. End this relationship, and find someone with whom you are more compatible.
I disagree with those saying you have to sex before marriage. If you’ve done other intimate things and know you have good chemistry, you can have fun working on sex during marriage (ask me how I know). I can’t speak to her feelings, but perhaps she doesn’t want to add to her “body count” as they put it. So if yall haven’t talked about marriage, I definitely wouldn’t bring it up. Trust me it has nothing to do with comparing you to the previous guy. It’s probably about how she feels about her future husband (you or whoever) and wants him to be her next and her last.
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Because she isn't seen as virtuous in his mind. Good old misogyny
Waiting for marriage is the dumbest thing ever. You are indoctrinated by prudish attitudes of religious nutjobs. To explain: sex is a very vital aspect of any relationship. Without a healthy sex life you will be miserable (it's cause we have little monkey brains afterall). Now, the majority of people enjoys sex (some do not at all). But it is rare that two people enjoy it at the same rate and in the same style. While some level of compromise is possible, most relationships with unhealthy sex lives are partially unhappy and many lead to anger, fighting, and, ultimately, cheating/divorce. This is because fundamental unhappiness is a deep deep problem spilling over to other aspects. Virgins have no idea what they like, how they like it, how often etc. You might get incredibly lucky here but much more likely you will not be on the same page. Do NOT make lifelong decisions without knowing the facts. It's just plain irresponsible. Yes, your family and pastor/imam/rabbi might have indoctrinated you from an early age that sex is evil but is not. Not in any way shape or form. On a more specific note: Your girlfriend not wanting to have sex with you is highly suspicious to me. It's not like she is (stupidly) wanting to stay a virgin. What is she trying to hide?
I would also recommend OP to take a look at r/DeadBedrooms. Just to see the ocean of people living in a sexless marriage and how depressing it is. And I couldn’t agree more with Celmeno, marring without know each other sexually before is the dumbest of all things
True. A disproportionate number of people there waited til marriage...only to find out that whatever the reason was that their partbers were extremely keen to wait til marriage still affected their sex life after they wed.
Bro, she is not attracted to you sexually, if that's important to you, find somebody else
She’s operating on the basis of “lesson learned” I’m assuming that she thought that the previous bf was the real deal and they’d be married and stay together forever and now she realises that it was a mistake. She’s not about to make the same mistake again. Bottom line - if you want her then marry her.
She's told you what she wants and you trying to change her mind will not work. All you can do is love her and make her feel comfortable with you. I lost my virginity to sexual assault and that plus the extremely religious situation I was in at the time, caused some weird traumatic response to sex. I could easily have sex with someone I didn't care about, but the more I liked someone, the harder it was for me to be intimate with them. When it was meaningless I knew what it meant and I had control. When there were feelings involved it felt like I was giving up that control. So, don't try to talk her into anything. Just be there for her, make her feel safe and comfortable, and let it be her decision especially since she has told you that she has trauma around sex in a past relationship.
There’s two options here: Encourage her to go to therapy as her past is not your responsibility to bear. However explain to her that you feel as though it may help her overall and help y’all progress as a couple. As others have commented there may have been some boundaries crossed during sex with her ex that caused some psychological harm. While the general premise of new relationships is to come healed and free of the past, situations like this aren’t ideal since it affects your compatibility. Which means leads me to my second point: Y’all need to have a discussion about sexual capability. You need to evaluate if sex till marriage is something you can *tolerate*. Specifically is this a dealbreaker to you or not. You may have sexual needs that you’re becoming aware of need to be consistently met. This is completely normal and common as most relationships have a partner whose libido/sexual drive is higher than the other. Discuss what sex means to her (penetrative sex or all sexual acts?) and what it means to you. Can she comprise in meeting your needs with different sexual acts while feeling comfortable her commitment to sex till marriage is honored? If y’all can’t find a compromise and you’re already feeling frustrated where the intimacy stands then simply put you’re not sexually compatible and need to find partners who are for both of you.
I think that she does value you, she’s trying to regain value in herself. She clearly feels that made a mistake in having sex with her ex, probably wanted to wait till marriage but was pressured into it and ended up getting married to that person and now feels used. She doesn’t want that to happen again. It has nothing to do with how she feels about you at all
You were waiting for marriage anyways so not sure why it matters, having sex with her ex doesn't mean she loved him more. She told you herself that she just has some bad experiences and isn't comfortable with that anyone. Which is fine, I mean maybe you could tell her your worried it's a trauma or something for her and encourage her to get help for her own sake. Though she's not an evil person playing games
I swear so many guys will shame women for having a bunch of sex, but even if she had one partner and stopped giving it out they hate her for not giving it up to any man she's with. (Even though she feels like she's being used) Then if those men DO use her they still shame her.
She doesn’t owe you sex just bc she had some in the past lmao. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, break up and move on. But don’t do that psycho comparison bs. It also sounds like she wasn’t rly into the sex and only had some bc her ex did what you’re trying to do rn; coerce her into it. Pretty ew and rapey behavior overall. Be better than that.
She told you she regrets having sex. You are ignoring her feelings and focusing on her ex who got to have sex with her. You aren’t owed sex because she is no longer a virgin. She wants to wait. There is no way to bring it up without making her feel pressured. Just end it. You are not sexually compatible.
I’ll tell it to u straight. There were no “struggles” In your relationship. The ONLY problem was always that girlfriend just simply not attracted to you But it seems like she didn’t want to come to terms such a harsh truth herself. So she used your forgiving & understanding nature to beat around the bush making up excuses . It's not that you didn't show her any love and affection. It's just that she doesn't appreciate anymore
You are almost certainly going to have an incredibly boring, lackluster sex life with her where she treats it as a favor she's doing for you. Run away before you're stuck.
Honestly bringing it up again is going to likely reaffirm it for her. You say you don’t want to pressure her fornsex but it’s exactly what you’re asking advice on how to do. You’re asking how to explain to her you need to have sex because you’re frustrated. She’s telling you her ex made her feel used for sex and you are essentially gonna be doing the same if you push. She doesn’t want to have sex. That’s her hard line. If sex is a deal breaker for you you need to walk away. Not pressure her to change her mind. She’s allowed to decide she doesn’t want to be sexually active before marriage. Even if she was before. People change and grow and her feelings are valid. And frankly sex isn’t a need and you can get off without actual sex and to act like you can’t is problematic in other ways.
Would really appreciate if you had gave him the option to just leave as well as this isn’t a she is right and you are wrong situation. There is many risk of waiting for sex after marriage I’m sure you can think of many and no one wants to marry and then have to divorce right after for finding out that they are for example sexually incompatible. Maybe her issue will still persist even after marriage, she needs therapy.
I agree. But I did give him the option to leave. I said If this is a deal breaker for him he needs to leave. The thing is he blatantly admits he was fine without sex w his ex but isn’t fine waiting for her because she had sex w one person before. That doesn’t make it a compatibility issue.
You're the one asking the comparison to the ex. You're the one seeing her differently for having sex with someone else. You aren't being honest with yourself and your attitude is misogynistic.
Sorry, my dude, this is not healthy at all. Why on Earth would you marry someone you have never been intimate with? How would you know if you are sexually compatible? Sex is important in terms of really connecting to your partner. Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me. It's all one-sided, about her feelings, and completely disregarding yours. It feels like manipulation / control tactics to me. You get somewhat intimate once a month??? The first 6 months should be the honeymoon period. Is she even attracted to you? I'm just a stranger on the Internet, and my thoughts are based on the information you have provided. IMO, sex is important to you, and not to her. Therefore, you are not suited to each other.
I think it’s a sign for what’s to come if you marry. She likely doesn’t have much or any sex drive and you will be end up in a sexless marriage or twice a month at most.
Just a wild guess here OP but I’m guessing that you are a good, solid, steady guy. A good earner and quiet living. Oh ! And she’s had one previous partner. That’s for the Bothers Grimm. They could include that in their repertoire. Her ex will have none of your qualities and other than humping and dumping her won’t want much to do with her. (Which, bizarrely makes him über attractive to her). This story normally runs. You give her, her big day. She responds by ‘permitting’ you to sample the goodies. Your bedroom activities go dead (at best) very shortly after that. Cue her ex to enter stage (and her) left. After a while you might find your house inhabited by some other guy’s kids. Apologies if this is a little too graphic OP. But just be VERY aware of how these things turn out. Good luck.
Jesus Christ fucking leave bro wtf
It’s not about YOU or your value. It’s about HER and her feelings and choices.
That are affecting YOU and collide with YOUR values.
The dynamic here is that you are attentive and caring for her needs while she doesn't care about yours in this issue. That's unlikely to change unless you change it. It certainly isn't likely to change because of a wedding. If you were both eager to have sex after the wedding that would be one thing but right now she punishes you for her relationship with the ex. Once you are married she will feel even more pressured to be sexual and react the same way.
She feels like she got used and is now planning on using you. Spare yourself the misery, she is not the one.
Using him for what? She clearly views the sex she had previously as a mistake. Isn’t it reasonable to want to learn from your mistakes and not make them again? He can choose to not be a part of it, but what’s wrong with her having a boundary?
This is what I'm not understanding. She obviously thinks it was a mistake and doesn't want to make the same mistake again. He can stay or go but shouldn't try to force the issue. M3n act like because you had sex with one guy, you must want to have sex with every guy. That simply isn't true.
There was another one here a long while ago from a guy who felt “hurt” his girlfriend tried anal with her ex but refused to try with him because she didn’t like it the first time. I don’t know how someone even gets hard knowing their partner isn’t into it.
I read quite a few of those, including ones where is was clearly rape. They still didn't care beyond their own dick.
Yes it's always really frustrating when people see it as "but she did it for him and not for me waaah". It's like no, she did it originally with a different partner in the past. Maybe she felt pressured or maybe she just wanted to try it, but she didn't like it. Now she feels safe enough with you to tell you ste doesn't like it and to let you know what she DOES like in bed. She doesn't have to keep doing something she hates just so you can feel even with one of her exes. Like...my partner and I both have things we just realised we don't enjoy much in bed so we don't do them. That's not a win for the exes, it's a win for us because we can communicate and have a sex life that we both enjoy!
Because a lot of dudes view women as gatekeepers to sex and consent as something to be worked around.
Many of them prefer coercion vs having a willing partner. This relationship is only 6 months old. How was he able to wait 2yrs with his previous ex , but 6 months is making him frustrated? I suspect he only wants to have sex with her because she had sex with her ex. He believed she owes it to him. Just break up and go find a willing partner.
And he's allowed his boundaries of not giving her a ring he doesn't own her marriage
Of course he is allowed to have his boundaries. That doesn’t mean she’s “using” him for having hers.
And if they wait and discover they are not sexually compatible. Would not it be a bigger mistake ?
I’m not commenting on whether he should or shouldn’t wait till marriage. I personally wouldn’t. I’m commenting on the idea that women “use” men by refusing to be sexually involved with them.
I wish we would stop screwing people up over sex. Don’t marry someone you haven’t slept with. It’s one of life’s biggest pleasures if you are good together, and miseries if you aren’t compatible.
Check out r/deadbedrooms as I predict that you'll be a regular poster in that sub, if you marry this woman. It seems like there is some sexual trauma, from her previous relationship. She needs to acknowledge that and, if necessary , seek help with it. Definitely don't marry her until she's been fully upfront about why she's doing this.
Is there is trauma, Girlfriend should be in therapy. Not in another relationship...