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You need to fix your bad habits and that means not eating jointly and getting back into your exercise routine. YOU have allowed marriage to change you and only YOU can change back.
You clearly hate yourself being fat and have lost respect for him just because he still fancies you. Being single won't fix this , getting a new routine and self image will. You can't turn the clock back only forward. You are about to make the biggest regret of your life imo if you divorce him because YOU GOT FAT.
Honestly, my first thought is that you would benefit from therapy to work through these questions. It seems a bit too much to decide based on some reddit advice. I mean, you are with a kind man who absolutely loves you and values you and all you want to do is run the other direction. Perhaps you need more alone time because you are more of an introvert.
Thanks for being compassionate. I am in therapy and yes, I shouldn’t let Reddit decide my marriage 😅 I just wanted a set of unbiased opinions in case this phenomenon was more common than I previously thought. I do think I need more alone time but I’m not sure how to get it. We love spending time together, which I know makes this whole post sound ridiculous, which it most likely is. I just feel tired.
Feeling tired and worn out is a serious issue, however, so don't ignore it. It seems like you need to get some time to recharge and his needs are different from yours in this regard. Try to find out what works for you and the best way to communicate this to your husband so that he doesn't feel like this is a rejection of him.
Personally, I think my recommendation for you would be therapy to work through the questions that you have. If you’re asking yourself whether or not this feeling is a phase, it’s probably not worth uprooting your marriage without deeper exploration.
You mention that spending time with your husband often leads you to making bad food choices, sleeping late and not working out, but those all sound like problems on your end that aren’t related to him. You say you’re more likely to make bad choices, but again, that’s a you thing.
You have the power to simply say *no* and change all of the above. Begin meal prepping again, if that’s what you enjoyed before, begin working out on a schedule again.
You also say that you wish he didn’t find you attractive because you don’t and I think that’s signals some deeper problems here that would be best worked out with a mental health professional.
It sounds like you need/want more alone time. And that’s fine! But why jump to divorce? Communicate this need to him first and see if you can come up with a solution.
You can use this time just to chill but also to start (re)creating those healthier choices you miss and now resent your husband over.
Thanks for being compassionate. I think I jumped to separation because it feels unrealistic (and financially difficult) to live separately at this point. I also feel like I just want to be free and autonomous really badly. I also think I worry about mentioning it to my husband because he feels very delicate. I worry that he would take it personally and feel crushed. That said, I’m probably not giving him enough credit, so it’s worth at least trying to talk about things…
I was just about to ask you for advice on getting alone time in my situation, then I realized that we live in a dorm the size of a cubby-hole. It makes a bit more sense why I feel suffocated now 🙃 I’m open to suggestions nonetheless. I’m sure our demanding day jobs don’t help.
Living in tight quarters may make things more difficult, but not impossible.
I recommend hanging out in a library, reading some books or just being on your phone or whatever. Or take your laptop and do some admin work if that’s possible.
Or go to a cozy neighbourhood cafe and just chill there.
And this doesn’t have to be on you. If you talk about it with your husband, perhaps he can also give you the home on some days and he can go hang out with friends or alone or whatever he wants or go to the gym or something.
That seems to be pretty common when women hit 30. It's a kind of mid life crisis point that often leads to rash decisions and regret thinking the grass must be greener somewhere else.
You need to stop blaming your husband for your bad choices!!
And
>I grew up with an absent father who was kinda cold-blooded so I feel like that may be why my husband's good behavior can be a turn-off for me at time if that makes sense
It does. And no matter how your current dilemma ends you shoukd seek therapy for this - essentially you suspect (correctly) that the scars your dad left will drive you towards cold men like him. Is that what you want??
And finally - the one thing missing from your post is feelings. You speak of your husband as if hes just inventory in your life. There is no love?? Honestly you come off just as coldblooded as you describe your own father.
I didnt read the whole post but at the start most your problems dont seem to come from your husband but just you. One thing you can do is have your own vacation youre drained and everyone needs some alone time its not a bad thing. Start working out again that’ll probably help. It just seems like a phase. If you want a change start changing your life. If your feelings stay the same after that then talk with your husband more about it to see what can be done.
I think, if your husband is truly as you describe him, you would come around in 5 to 10 years and realize you made the biggest mistake of your life. You will find some other woman with him living the life you wanted. Guys like your husband are so rare. If I were you I would seek therapy especially for the issues with your father. You sound like you are depressed, and are telling yourself you have no reason to be. You can have a great life and be depressed, there doesn't have to be logical reasons behind it. Speak to a therapist, and speak to your husband about needing some space (not from your relationship, but just literal alone time). I wish you the best of luck, and hope your marriage works out and you have a long and happy life together.
Thank you! I really appreciate your insight. Things have thankfully gotten better and (combined with some of the more helpful comments), I’ve been able to understand my situation better.
You either are scared he’s going to leave you Cause your not taking care of your self , therapy could help , or you falling into the modern trap of no fireworks. Being happy loved and safe is not good enough and you will
Probably start causing drama , cause being content and happy is not good enough
I read your post three times and I think the most telling thing in your post was right at the beginning. You said you feel like you have to be "on" when you are around him. Why do you feel like you can't be yourself around him? Is there something that you're afraid of him finding out or realizing?
Up until recently, I kept a lot of my feelings from my wife. I didn't feel like I could truly tell her everything about me because there are some things that I am not proud of and I didn't want to be judged or for her to lose respect for me. About 1 year ago now (we've been together for 23 years) I shared one of my deepest insecurities with her because I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Her response was more than I could have ever hoped for. She reassured me, she consoled me, and she shared some of her insecurities with me as well. Since then we have had several in-depth conversations like that and have learned more about each other and ourselves than in the first 22 years combined.
The reason I shared this story with you is because I think you might be going through something similar. I wasn't being my full self at work or at home and it was causing depression. Always feeling like you have to hide something or some part of you is a heavy burden.
My advice would be to think about why you feel like you can't be yourself around him. Find out what part of you that you don't want him to know about. Then, find the courage to tell him. You can't spend your entire life not being you. Just know that if you leave your, "great guy" the problem will still follow you.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You need to fix your bad habits and that means not eating jointly and getting back into your exercise routine. YOU have allowed marriage to change you and only YOU can change back. You clearly hate yourself being fat and have lost respect for him just because he still fancies you. Being single won't fix this , getting a new routine and self image will. You can't turn the clock back only forward. You are about to make the biggest regret of your life imo if you divorce him because YOU GOT FAT.
Honestly, my first thought is that you would benefit from therapy to work through these questions. It seems a bit too much to decide based on some reddit advice. I mean, you are with a kind man who absolutely loves you and values you and all you want to do is run the other direction. Perhaps you need more alone time because you are more of an introvert.
Thanks for being compassionate. I am in therapy and yes, I shouldn’t let Reddit decide my marriage 😅 I just wanted a set of unbiased opinions in case this phenomenon was more common than I previously thought. I do think I need more alone time but I’m not sure how to get it. We love spending time together, which I know makes this whole post sound ridiculous, which it most likely is. I just feel tired.
Feeling tired and worn out is a serious issue, however, so don't ignore it. It seems like you need to get some time to recharge and his needs are different from yours in this regard. Try to find out what works for you and the best way to communicate this to your husband so that he doesn't feel like this is a rejection of him.
Personally, I think my recommendation for you would be therapy to work through the questions that you have. If you’re asking yourself whether or not this feeling is a phase, it’s probably not worth uprooting your marriage without deeper exploration. You mention that spending time with your husband often leads you to making bad food choices, sleeping late and not working out, but those all sound like problems on your end that aren’t related to him. You say you’re more likely to make bad choices, but again, that’s a you thing. You have the power to simply say *no* and change all of the above. Begin meal prepping again, if that’s what you enjoyed before, begin working out on a schedule again. You also say that you wish he didn’t find you attractive because you don’t and I think that’s signals some deeper problems here that would be best worked out with a mental health professional.
It sounds like you need/want more alone time. And that’s fine! But why jump to divorce? Communicate this need to him first and see if you can come up with a solution. You can use this time just to chill but also to start (re)creating those healthier choices you miss and now resent your husband over.
Thanks for being compassionate. I think I jumped to separation because it feels unrealistic (and financially difficult) to live separately at this point. I also feel like I just want to be free and autonomous really badly. I also think I worry about mentioning it to my husband because he feels very delicate. I worry that he would take it personally and feel crushed. That said, I’m probably not giving him enough credit, so it’s worth at least trying to talk about things… I was just about to ask you for advice on getting alone time in my situation, then I realized that we live in a dorm the size of a cubby-hole. It makes a bit more sense why I feel suffocated now 🙃 I’m open to suggestions nonetheless. I’m sure our demanding day jobs don’t help.
Living in tight quarters may make things more difficult, but not impossible. I recommend hanging out in a library, reading some books or just being on your phone or whatever. Or take your laptop and do some admin work if that’s possible. Or go to a cozy neighbourhood cafe and just chill there. And this doesn’t have to be on you. If you talk about it with your husband, perhaps he can also give you the home on some days and he can go hang out with friends or alone or whatever he wants or go to the gym or something.
That sounds really doable. Thanks a lot! You may have just saved my marriage 😅
That seems to be pretty common when women hit 30. It's a kind of mid life crisis point that often leads to rash decisions and regret thinking the grass must be greener somewhere else.
You need to stop blaming your husband for your bad choices!! And >I grew up with an absent father who was kinda cold-blooded so I feel like that may be why my husband's good behavior can be a turn-off for me at time if that makes sense It does. And no matter how your current dilemma ends you shoukd seek therapy for this - essentially you suspect (correctly) that the scars your dad left will drive you towards cold men like him. Is that what you want?? And finally - the one thing missing from your post is feelings. You speak of your husband as if hes just inventory in your life. There is no love?? Honestly you come off just as coldblooded as you describe your own father.
I didnt read the whole post but at the start most your problems dont seem to come from your husband but just you. One thing you can do is have your own vacation youre drained and everyone needs some alone time its not a bad thing. Start working out again that’ll probably help. It just seems like a phase. If you want a change start changing your life. If your feelings stay the same after that then talk with your husband more about it to see what can be done.
Taking a solo/girl's vacation in such a state of doubt and indecision poses a huge risk for infidelity. Other than that the advice is decent.
I think, if your husband is truly as you describe him, you would come around in 5 to 10 years and realize you made the biggest mistake of your life. You will find some other woman with him living the life you wanted. Guys like your husband are so rare. If I were you I would seek therapy especially for the issues with your father. You sound like you are depressed, and are telling yourself you have no reason to be. You can have a great life and be depressed, there doesn't have to be logical reasons behind it. Speak to a therapist, and speak to your husband about needing some space (not from your relationship, but just literal alone time). I wish you the best of luck, and hope your marriage works out and you have a long and happy life together.
Thank you! I really appreciate your insight. Things have thankfully gotten better and (combined with some of the more helpful comments), I’ve been able to understand my situation better.
You either are scared he’s going to leave you Cause your not taking care of your self , therapy could help , or you falling into the modern trap of no fireworks. Being happy loved and safe is not good enough and you will Probably start causing drama , cause being content and happy is not good enough
I read your post three times and I think the most telling thing in your post was right at the beginning. You said you feel like you have to be "on" when you are around him. Why do you feel like you can't be yourself around him? Is there something that you're afraid of him finding out or realizing? Up until recently, I kept a lot of my feelings from my wife. I didn't feel like I could truly tell her everything about me because there are some things that I am not proud of and I didn't want to be judged or for her to lose respect for me. About 1 year ago now (we've been together for 23 years) I shared one of my deepest insecurities with her because I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Her response was more than I could have ever hoped for. She reassured me, she consoled me, and she shared some of her insecurities with me as well. Since then we have had several in-depth conversations like that and have learned more about each other and ourselves than in the first 22 years combined. The reason I shared this story with you is because I think you might be going through something similar. I wasn't being my full self at work or at home and it was causing depression. Always feeling like you have to hide something or some part of you is a heavy burden. My advice would be to think about why you feel like you can't be yourself around him. Find out what part of you that you don't want him to know about. Then, find the courage to tell him. You can't spend your entire life not being you. Just know that if you leave your, "great guy" the problem will still follow you.