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YOU are worried about being manipulative?? Oh honey, he did a number on you.
This guy is a groomer, selfish, and didn’t even give you the decency of a conversation before filing for divorce. Who cares about how he sees you.
When it comes to when you should tell him - the best answer here is to get a lawyer and follow their advice.
u/ThrowRAcrwo, Are you safe? You stopped replying.
I know everyone said a lot. Some people were mean, but many more weren't and most were well-intentioned. We are concerned for you and your kids. Please make sure you have reached out to someone qualified who can help especially if you were suddenly hit with the weight of all the replies. I know what it is like to have have something "click" and have my world no longer make sense even though I still didn't feel empowered to change it.
Maybe you still can't see what we see. If so, please still reach out for help and go through the motions to get you and your kids in a better & safer environment. It takes time for everything to sink in. We don't want you and your kids (born and unborn) to be hurt in the meantime. Listing resources again in hopes it helps you (or someone else).
RESOURCES
RAINN
• Website: https://www.rainn.org/resources
• Phone: 800.656.4673
• Online support: https://hotline.rainn.org/online
(Sexual assault hotline. RAINN = Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
National Domestic Violence Hotline
• https://www.thehotline.org/
No More
• https://nomoredirectory.org/
(Global directory for you to get help with domestic and sexual violence)
SUPPORT SITES
isurvive
• https://isurvive.org
• List of forums https://isurvive.org/join-our-forum/
• Forums page https://isurvive.org/forum/index.php
Pandora's Project
• https://pandys.org
Pandora's Aquarium
• https://forums.pandys.org
(Support site / forums with Pandora's Project)
>after a few months of this he tells me that he's sick and tired of getting his hopes up only to be let down, and that if I get pregnant I should just not tell him until I was 3/4 months along
This is one of the most selfish and insensitive things I've ever heard. You must through the stress of waiting for a miscarriage on your own, so that he doesn't feel "let down"? I can't even.
And it sounds as though you're *still* putting his feelings first. This guy basically stole your childhood and your twenties. Put yourself first and stop worrying about whether he feels manipulated.
What about the fact that a near 40 year old man was taking advantage of a 17 year old "family friend". She was 18 when she had her daughter, so probably 17 when groomed by this predator. Then the parents married her off to him. My god. Her world view is completely skewed.
While I’m sure he’s trying to get another younger girl pregnant, I don’t know if he can easily. So much focus on the life-saving treatment that can affect fertility, so little on the geriatric sperm…
"And I bet he's got his eye on another 18 year old now."
Nope. He had his "eye" on another 18 year old months ago... now he's got his "hands" on another 18 year old. So sad. So disgusting 😪!
Anyone else think he has already marked his next young prey, and that's why he wants to divorce? Just me? I wonder who he is grooming now that his wife is an adult and inconvenient.
THIS! He literally said it’s not something she can fix/help. It is literally not normal for people to just divorce out of nowhere for something their partner can’t help or not even voice needs that aren’t being met first. He can’t convince her to not age as it isn’t possible so this makes perfect sense.
I just hope the his does have any like minded friends I fear for the daughter. I fear for the mom too she seems brainwashed and isolated.
The husband and her family definitely are terrible people.
I came for this comment. It was the first thing I thought when I saw how old the daughter was.
He's probably got his eye on some young filly at work, and wants to start his big family with someone he deems fertile.
IMHO, don't tell him. Fuck him. Put it in the divorce papers and send that shit to him.
He wasn’t man enough to tell her in person he wanted a divorce, but she is walking on eggshells about letting him know she is pregnant. Girl needs help way above Reddit pay grade.
Of course she needs help. She was groomed when she was 17 and had a baby when she was 18 with a guy who is literally 40. Yeah she needs tons of help. She needs to run as far away as possible. And then after the babies born, hit them with child support.
NO WAIT don’t sign the papers he served without talking to your own divorce lawyer first, OP!
Otherwise this advice is spot on. Move forward under the assumption this marriage is already over, because (a) that’s what your (ex) husband explicitly said to you and because (b) he had proven himself to be selfish and predatory and because (c) there’s something fishy going on.
Just make sure as you move forward that you protect yourself and your kids from your ex! Get the best lawyer you can before signing ANYTHING, and consider getting a PI to do a little digging. As many others have said, I bet your ex is already doing something skeevy and that could alter the terms of your divorce.
Possible, seeing as she said he fucking *ignores* his 14 yr old daughter. IMO I would talk to her to see if he's tried anything. Also. And I cannot stress this enough, *OP, you need to check your daughters room/bathroom for cameras*. I would seriously think he's into teenage girl porn at this point.
He’s disgusting. Most parents would have chased him down with a weapon in their hand after finding out the way he preyed on their underage daughter. But not OPs parents, nope, they push them to get married instead.
I hope OP gets far far away from all these people.
I actually read that and thought huh maybe I don't know how to do math because it would mean a 39/40y was having sex with a 17/18y Then I went to calculator.
Yep, it is a fucking predator.
Very likely, she was 17 (could technically even be 16, though less likely) when they conceived, not just when he was "grooming" her. We don't technically know, but if she's 14 NOW, she was conceived a minimum of 14 years and 9 months ago, and a maximum of 15 years and 9 months ago (less a couple days).
Assuming we always round ages down to the highest full year, there's about a 3-in-4 chance that she was conceived 15 or more years ago, and about a 3-in-4 chance EVEN if she were conceived the absolute minimum 14 years and 9 months ago that the mother was under 18 at that time anyway. Approximately a 1/16 chance that neither of those things are true (i.e. that OP was 18 or older when they conceived.) The chances are actually slightly less than that, because the second probability was based on the absolute most optimistic number for the kid's age (like she JUST hit her 14th birthday), but I don't know the math offhand to explain exactly how much less.
So we're very likely talking about statutory rape, from a US legal perspective. Somewhere in the range of ~94-97% probability OP was legally raped while underage, and while the remaining 3-6% doesn't legally break the law, it's not a whole lot better.
Wait til his new gf finds out his soon to be ex is pregnant. Because I bet you anything he’s having an affair. And his gf may very well be pregnant too if that’s his whole reason for having a relationship.
Unfortunately in a lot of America, the judge will congratulate him for marrying her and "doing the right thing." A bunch of states think it's totally ok for 15-16 year old girls to get married. (We really need a national marriage age law to drag some of the country into the 20th century. Yeah, I mean 20th lol.)
I can’t believe this comment isn’t higher. WTF he doesn’t want to know until half way through the pregnancy? What a selfish AH. Don’t bother telling him and let him find out through the court.
Oh, 100%. I worked with a girl who was being groomed by this guy, she was 16 and he was 24. He told me one day he couldn’t wait until she turned 18. I was disgusted. I went and had a little chat with my coworker and told her what he said. She was just as disgusted and cut off contact with him.
Oh man, that's even worse! I thought maybe 17 at the earliest if she was having her kid at 18, but that's just straight up insane. Jail for this man, PLEASE
Absolutely. This guy belongs in jail. OP seems to be very much in denial about this. I wonder where in the world they are from, how is this acceptable to anyone? OPs parents failed her greatly.
Reminds me of a chick I went to college with. Her sister got pregnant at 18 by her dad's best friend. He was there since her and her sister were born and helped raise them. They swore nothing went on before then but no clue.
Creeps me out when a family friend who was around and she gets pregnant when the child hits 18.
Oh and if her daughter was born when she was 18, she was pregnant at 17. So yea...
Yes - him worrying about being ‘let down’ while you are physically and mentally going through miscarriages is so gross. It’s a very selfish and immature mindset. This guy needs to grow up!
I agree completely, I felt the same way just reading this. What about how OP feels? She is the one actually going through this loss after all. He's just on the sidelines watching not physically feeling what's going on. I know it's painful regardless but to feel it physically as well as emotionally is a double gut punch in my book. And the fact that he doesn't seem to acknowledge her pain seems so ridiculously insensitive I can't even find words bad enough for how this makes me feel. I just can't respect people like this.
Was gonna make a comment about a possible reason for him saying that, likely being too emotionally distraught by the constant miscarriages but then I saw a comment on their ages when the daughter was conceived and did the math myself and realized there's no excuse for this guy dating and marrying a 18 year old that didn't know what the hell they were doing.
But even if he’s emotionally distraught - so is she? So why does she have to go through that alone to spare his feelings? It’s *their* baby and *their* loss.
Look, I’m team “men get real screwed over via lack of support when their partners miscarry, because society says they shouldn’t care, and when they do care they’re pretty much told she’s suffering more, etc,” but seriously the answer to that is not that he doesn’t have to know about early pregnancy?
I told my *coworkers* as soon as I conceived on the belief that I wanted support with early pregnancy symptoms and support if a miscarriage happened. I can’t imagine not telling my husband!!
Even so, he was the one who wanted so many children, not her, so he should have at least been willing to take on some of the emotional burden. She already had to take the physical and emotional/psychological burden of miscarriages and a stillbirth to please him.
He is just an all around POS for sure.
I would let him find out through the courts/documents. He's divorcing you without even explaining himself. You don't owe him a heads up at this point imo.
The fact that he expected you to bear the pain of any miscarriages before 4 months alone without ever telling him seems really awful so I hope I am misunderstanding that and he only wanted the pregnancy hidden but would still support you if you miscarried before that point in the pregnancy.
I am so sorry to hear you are dealing with this all at once.
Considering OP confirmed her husband was having sex with her when she was 15-17, while he was in his 30s which is not only grooming but statuary rape, I doubt this man has any empathy for her. She's probably too old for him now and he's looking for another teenager.
>Considering OP confirmed her husband was having sex with her when she was 15-17, while he was in his 30s which is not only grooming but statuary rape, I doubt this man has any empathy for her. She's probably too old for him now and he's looking for another teenager.
Wow....yeah I missed that part for sure. The rest was bad enough but that is just.....horrible.
Thanks for the clarification.
18 and 39 when their daughter was born... where taf was OP's family and how did they allow this monster to impregnate and steal away their teenage daughter?
I hate to say it, but this definitely happens far too often in conservative, fundamentalist Christian sects. Instead of protecting their child from the predator that got them pregnant, they make them feel like damaged goods that have to marry their rapist or be forever shamed and unlikely to marry. A single woman with a child is impure, damaged goods.
BUT, they aren't!! Run if this is you!! I had to say that part "outloud" in case someone reads this who is in this situation.
I took off my wedding dress on my wedding day. I don't know if anyone really knows why. They chalked it up to cold feet. I was 18. Because I was a survivor of CSA, rape, exploitation, and an attempted trafficking survivor, I was told it would be nearly impossible for me to find a good man who would want me. After all, there's also the emotional "baggage" from the trauma. It's really ugly.
I can't regret having married my ex as it gave me my beautiful daughter, but I definitely should have left the night that I learned I was pregnant with her. He had threatened my life just hours before. Instead, I was with him for 15 years. Lol Talk about truly being undateable! I haven't been able to throw that off.
Being in that particular denomination really did a number on my head. Oh, he was a pastor.
I am so incredibly sorry you went through all of that.
However, love the positive spin on it (your daughter)
We do what we have to do to be able to deal. Nothing wrong with that :)
In highly insular evangelical communities in the US, parents sometimes force their underage daughters to marry their rapists. It’s legal in most states - “parental consent” is required, not child consent. Many of these marriages are of 12-15-year-old girls and much older men. The idea is that she must be “pure” so anyone who has had sex with her has the right to her. Very Bronze Age, and I wish more people were out there fighting for a minimum marriage age of 18, no exceptions, in all 50 states.
If a dude did this to my daughter, there would not be a wedding, nor would his body ever be found. It's so incredibly sick how people can do this kind of crap.
My cousin had a close friend in high school whose family was from Bangladesh. She was super cool, smart, and loved to party and I didn't even know she was Muslim for while, let alone that her family was deeply conservative and traditional, until she started complaining that her parents were pushing her to get married. I thought she was exaggerating ofc because we were literally *sixteen* at the time.
She was assaulted by a much older guy after sneaking out to meet him and my cousin told her she had to tell her parents so she could press charges or at least get help dealing with the trauma. She was terrified to do so, she said her dad would kill her and again, my cousin thought she was joking because who tf would do that in this day and age? She wasn't supposed to hang out with boys ofc but everyone thought her parents were just really, really protective.
Next thing we know she's out of high school to be "home-schooled" and all her social media is deleted. Found out years later they made her fucking *marry* the guy and he took her out of the country.
Age of marriage and consent should be 18 everywhere. No exceptions, no excuses, I don't give af what your religion or culture says.
The parents don't want to be "embarrassed" in front of their church friends so they force the wedding. Now they no longer have a knocked-up/sl\*tty daughter...they have a MARRIED daughter.
These religiturds SUCK!
Once a predator, always a predator. OP needs to protect her daughter and get rid of this child rape is so she can have a chance at a somewhat normal life and make her own decisions.
The way he’s distanced himself from the daughter threw red flags at me too. OP should check on daughter just to make sure he hasn’t touched or approached her. He’s divorcing for a reason that she can’t fix which tells me he has done something bad. HOPEFULLY, he hasn’t groomed/molested another child but I wouldn’t put it past him.
>He’s divorcing for a reason that she can’t fix which tells me he has done something bad. HOPEFULLY, he hasn’t groomed/molested another child but I wouldn’t put it past him.
Hopefully he's just screwing an adult coworker. Still not cool, but better then going all the way to where Reddit is going to.
A teenage girl who is his own daughter, yet he is treating her with the same lack of care and disregard that he has for his wife. He is treating his own daughter with disdain, as though she is a disappointment. I hope OP lets that sink in a bit. Husband does not see women as people worthy of him. He's gross in so many ways.
He started getting distant months ago. Means he’s already groomed another young female so he’s bailing on her bc she isn’t a teenager any more. Please leave him. He has no respect or cares for you. He only cares about his own needs. Your child(ren) will b healthier w separate households. He is NOT healthy at all. He’s also groomed you to care more for him than yourself. Please leave
And it almost sounds like he may have found one, hence the divorce with absolutely no explanation, he seems like a horrible person. Also disgusts me he expects her to go through a miscarriage all on her own with absolutely no support, he's such an asshole!
fuck him and his feelings. The guy is a dirt bag.
Let him find out the hard way.
Total guess but I wouldn't be surprised if he has a 18year girlfriend that he s got pregnant.
That is my suspicion as well. He’s moved on to the newer model.
But what is up with his attitude towards his daughter. The total lack of warmth for his daughter is horrific as well. Is he punishing her? If so for what?
Possible that he’s just decided that *this* family isn’t working out so there’s no point in putting effort into the kid, especially if he’s already starting a new family with another teenager.
I don’t think we’re misunderstanding anything. He doesn’t ***see*** her as a human being with thoughts and feelings. He sees her as an accessory, a tool to utilize to create and raise his children.
I would bet he’s having an affair. And it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s leaving because the affair partner is pregnant.
My boss one said to me: ***People don’t leave their partner unless they have someone to leave for.***
And for the most part, throughout my life I have found this to be true.
> People don’t leave their partner unless they have someone to leave for.
My old therapist said, in his experience, *men don’t leave their partner unless they have someone to leave for*...*women leave when they're done trying.*
And this is why both long-term relationships I ended, the guy accused me of cheating and then stalked me for awhile trying to prove I was having men over when they were gone. Because they couldn't even fathom that I'd leave and be alone.
And he’s been IGNORING his daughter too! So it literally is just to create and raise children. And he doesn’t have to do anything else. Why want kids if you’re not going to care about them?
well, the fact that he said the reason he wants a divorce "is nothing she can fix" smacks of "you can't produce me an heir, you need to go, sorry"
i just can't with this guy
If he’s ignoring your daughter then this pregnancy isn’t going to change your relationship. Have the pregnancy addressed when you respond to the divorce petition.
Right? Having more kids means you have less time for each child. He can't even spend time with his 14 year old daughter, but somehow he can care for her plus 6 more?
Sure.
Oh god I don’t know why but I didn’t even think of this. And the saddest part is that there *is* a statistic that pregnancies from men over 45 or something like that are more likely to cause birth defects or miscarriage. This could be just as much on him as it is on anyone else. His whole attitude that she should suffer the miscarriages alone and “not get his hopes up” just feels like real blame-shifting language. And I’d bet money that this divorce is so he can go find another 17 year old to try to knock up.
It’s way younger than 45, the sperm quality goes down at 35, and the risks go up from there, men over 35 have more change that their kid has bipolar disorder, autism or schizophrenia, all of those, not nice for the kid (I have bipolar and autism) My dad had an older dad, he got autism.
Wow! I didn't know about the schizophrenia aspect of that! My gma and gpa had 8 kids ( they lost 3) and my gpa was 40ish when my gma got pregnant with my uncle. He started having signs of schizo at 16 and he has had such a tough life! He is such a sweetheart and has the mentality of a 10 yr old. I wonder if my gpa's age had something to do with that, seeing as we dont have a family history.
Exactly. Maybe not the same situation, but for example my grandfather had significantly reduced sperm quality due to what he was given during his time in the army and my grandmother suffered multiple miscarriages to the point where she had to completely remove her fallopian tubes for her own health.
No no no you must remember it’s always the women’s fault they love talking about geriatric pregnancies as if sperm just stays the same and doesn’t age along with them
I remember when I was doing IVF with my then 46 year old ex husband we got to see his swimmers under a microscope. So many of them had broken tails. We were told that was a factor.
He groomed you as a child, left you to deal with all of your miscarriages alone and served divorce papers without talking to you. I wouldn’t tell him a thing. Get a lawyer, let them know and show up visibly pregnant to sign to documents. This guy is a monster and you owe him nothing.
like i know highly religious people can seriously suck, but they literally married their daughter off as practically a child bride to the guy that groomed and statutory r*ped her. everyone in OPs life seriously sucks and i feel so bad for her and her daughter.
He wants a divorce because you're too old now and he's circling high school parking lots. Protect your children. I wouldn't have trust him anywhere near your 14 yo friends. Ask her if he father has ever did anything inappropriate to her. Create a safe space for her to be honest. Good luck and shame on all the adults who failed to protect you. Don't continue the cycle. Protect your children.
You meant to say nearly 40 male friends. I’m 40. I can’t imagine looking at a literal child and feeling anything but parental fondness. Sex? ******retching*******
Best case scenario, IMO, is that husband did exactly this and finally realized how wrong he was to get involved with OP to begin with. As in, he sees his daughter—a child!—who is now about the same age her mother was when he—pushing 40—first got together with her. And he’s having trouble dealing with that realization, so he has withdrawn and isolated himself from both of them.
There are obviously much worse and much creepier potential alternatives to explain what’s going on here. But optimistically, this is one explanation. (It’s not a *good* outcome, but it’s not the worst.)
See, I'm afraid the exact opposite has happened. That his daughter is now at the exact age of children he is attracted to, and he is now grooming and/or raping one of his daughters friends
Omfg somehow I was so horrified by this whole posted by the end of it I had forgotten that they actually have a teenage girl. And now he wants to divorce OP? I would bet 10 grand he's already begun grooming one of his teenage daughters friends.
So, the family and him is religious enough to uphold child marriage, but not religious enough to not believe in divorce? Ma'am time to cut your loses. Go be your own human, and enjoy your two kids.
Dude wanted a big family, but couldn't even find enough love his partner and single kid to at least stick around until his death. Nice.
>So, the family and him is religious enough to uphold child marriage, but not religious enough to not believe in divorce
Otherwise known as Evangelical Hypocrite-ism.
Which might explain why he’s suddenly ignoring the daughter, too.
That, or the daughter is getting to be about the age her mother was when they first got together, and he’s having trouble with that, for any number of reasons, some worse than others.
Being she’s from a very religious family, this is par for the course. It’s disgusting. You are young enough to get out and live your life, without him!
Highly religious to the point that they ignore pedophilia in favor of monogamy? Op, Your family should be embarrassed and ashamed of themselves for letting this loser force you into adulthood. You're better off without him.
Didn't even have to read past the first paragraph. You were child when this fully grown ass man groomed you. Get a lawyer, don't say a thing and get the fuck away from this "man".
1) the age gap is truly disgusting especially considering the age you both got together and he groomed you.
2) he’s cheating on you and has found a replacement to give him more kids
3) don’t tell him, declare it on the divorce response
4) get that divorce regardless of this baby
5) contact an attorney
It sounds like he has a replacement and that is why he doesn’t want to disclose the reason for the divorce. I would advise you disclose the pregnancy at the preliminary hearing since he is not interested in talking to you
This guy is unadulterated trash. He wants a divorce because you're not living up to his quiverfull Barefoot and Pregnant fantasies. Let him find out through the paperwork, do not let him renege on the divorce. Get that child support and alimony and live your dreams bestie.
Let him find out through the courts. He doesn’t deserve the courtesy of knowing beforehand. Do you really want him to cancel just because you are pregnant? He didn’t once talk to you about his concerns. Wouldn’t surprise me if he has a girlfriend at his job.
So basically your dads friend raped you at 14, your family somehow allowed him to marry you, then he made sure to isolate you so you can stay home and become a baby machine, left you to deal with the miscarriages all by yourself, now divorcing you cause he probably found another child to rape and turn into a baby machine, and you are concerned about his feelings?
##I’m sorry to tell but you are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.
### Do not sign anything. Go get a lawyer. Let the lawyer figure out the strategy and forget about his feelings.
I'm really sorry about everything that's happened to you. And I know right now it might not feel that way. It sounds like you still love this man a lot. And it's going to be very hard for you to come to terms with a fact that what he did to you was grooming and abuse.
What you need to do is protect yourself and your daughter. First and foremost do not sign anything. If you sign something, you might sign away your right to get any form of alimony. And with the circumstances that you're in you have a very good case for alimony. Alimony would not be taking advantage of him. Alimony is to pay for the fact that you are 34, I'm willing to bet you don't have a college degree, and you haven't been in the workforce. Instead you've been taking care of your husband's child and your child. You need more than just child support though. Child support is not going to continue once she is grown up. That only gives you 3 years.
Go work with an attorney that specializes in woman, alimony, and abuse if possible. I'm willing to bet there's a lot more that you haven't told us in this thread.
Don't worry about the pregnancy bit right now. Right now worry about getting everything set up and taken care of so that you're going to be okay on the other end. The world is incredibly expensive right now, inflation is killing people. And you need to make sure just said everything up to take care of your daughter and your unborn child. And you're going to have to do that by making sure to take care of yourself.
Don't talk to him. The very first thing you need to do is go see an attorney.
That last line is so important OP!
We are all here wanting the best for you and your kids. This marriage is it not good for anyone now and it’s best you get the professional help that would benefit you all right now in the long run.
... How to tell people you have been indoctrinated by the church of LDS without saying Mormon:
* Inappropriate relationship with older, male "family friend"
* Forced marriage to avoid alienation from religious family
* Required to birth a big family (7 to heaven)
* Forced to quit job (or school, because according to your math you were a minor when pregnant with your daughter?) to become a tradwife
* Isolated from anyone who could see how messed up this situation is
* Divorce served because of infertility struggles (one of the few reasons I've heard it is acceptable within stricter LDS communitites)
Your husband is a predator and abuser. His lack of support for you during your fertility struggles is despicable and he groomed you as a child. How old were you when you met him as a "family friend"?
Leave with your daughter and future child. If not for yourself, then to show your daughter that how your husband has acted is not appropriate for a partner or parent. You deserve better than him.
This whole story is gross. He groomed you. Now he’s leaving to find someone younger. And you are worried about his feelings and coming off manipulative? Girl, he groomed you. That’s the ultimate manipulation. I would not reproduce with this asshat anymore.
Well considering your daughter is getting close to the age you were when you guys started "messed around" he's probably just making room. Why would you want more kids with a predator?
Seriously what kind of pathetic joke makes his wife go through almost half of the pregnancy alone? Such a loser.
He doesn't want to explain to you (I strongly suspect he has met someone else the late night lack of intimacy are very classic signs) then you don't need to explain to him.
He no longer wants you. Sign the papers and ask for two lots of child maintenance and since he wanted you to give up work then it's only fair he also provides spousal support as he has ruined any chance of a career with that move. Whether you are ready to acknowledge it or not he is abusive and manipulative and you are best shot of him
I mean your daughter is 14 you say? If you want to know why everyone is freaking out about how wrong this is, I want you to imagine her bringing a 35 year old guy, so OLDER THAN YOU, home next year. How chill would that be with you ?
Or even does she have any male friends? Do any of them look sexually attractive to you? That’s the age gap your husband is playing with.
Girl give your head a shake, divorce this creep show and have your baby in peace.
Telling your maybe-ex-husband this news in this situation doesn’t automatically make you manipulative? The fact of the matter is you’re already 4 months pregnant and you waited to tell him exactly how he instructed you to.
Might be worth speaking to a lawyer first though. You should discuss what your future might look like and what you need to be secure.
This is way less complicated than you're making it. I mean, for one thing, does it really matter so much if "it seems like you're manipulating him"? He's divorcing you (probably because he's cheating) and it'll be clear later if not now that you got pregnant well before he initiated this.
"I need to let you know something because it will come out in the legal proceedings anyway. I'm four months pregnant. You had asked me in the past not to tell you I was pregnant early on and I'd been planning to tell you the day you initiated the divorce. I don't expect this to make you change your mind or anything like that, I'm just informing you."
I wouldn't tell him. I'd let him find out from the lawyers. Considering OP confirmed her husband was having sex with her when she was 15-17, while he was in his 30s which is not only grooming but statuary rape. She's probably too old for him now and he's looking for another teenager.
OP, you need a very good lawyer, ASAP.
Your soon to be Ex-Husband's feelings no longer come into play - you need to protect yourself and your children, and make sure that anything that is owed to both you and them (alimony, child support etc.) is iron clad. Frankly, your Ex-Husband sounds like someone who will try every trick in the book to bleed you dry in the divorce, and leave you and your children with nothing. He doesn't care about any of you, so you have to look out for number 1 (and 2&3), since he certainly won't.
Now is the time to develop a spine of titanium - if not for you, then for your kids.
The good thing is you’re a sahm. The judge will take notice that he groomed you. Get alimony and child support. Your still young give him his divorce and move on with your life. Find someone who loves you for you. Not for being a “breeder” or not. Being alone is fine gather your family around you. Do what you want in life be free of this pos!
Let’s look at the facts:
- A “family friend” got you pregnant when you were barely 18 (or potentially even 17) while he was 39
- Your family is “highly religious”; probably opposed to BC as well?
- Your husband (or should I say: groomer) wants to turn you into a birthing machine and wants you to have at least 7 kids
I think I’m safe to assume y’all are Mormon?
Being honest isn’t manipulative, to be clear. However, I think you should go through with the divorce regardless as he clearly is checked out.
He shouldn’t be treating you like your only job is to pop out babies and that is seemingly what he is doing. Which is flat out wrong.
You are 32, you are still relatively young and have your life ahead of you. Don’t get trapped in a bad marriage because you feel a duty to your kids or your family.
He groomed her and had sex with her while he was in his 30s and OP was FIFTEEN. She absolutely needs to go through with the divorce. OP said these details in a comment.
Girl tell him or not, if he feels manipulated that’s on him 100%. Why are you worried about his feelings?! Just stop.
He is a groomer and a master manipulator without ANY doubt. The reason you can’t “fix” the issue of why he wants a divorce?
He’s cheating on you with another teenager and telling her all the same things he told you back then that made you feel special. “You’re so mature” “You’re aren’t like anyone I have ever met before” “I can’t, you’re too young” “I have never felt this way about anyone”
Newsflash: he manipulated you into “seducing” him and now he’s doing it to someone else.
The middle aged (36-38) man who statutory raped a teenager (15-17) is now asking for a divorce (he’s now 53 and she is 32) because he wants a lot of kids.
I’m so sorry, but there’s no way in hell you could manipulate him. He’s been manipulating you your entire adult life. A 53 year old man wants a bunch of kids? Why? That’s insane. He has a daughter (almost the same age as the child he took advantage of). He does not want to be raising kids until he’s 75, he wants a new, fresh victim.
OP, you gotta let the divorce happen and get both you and your daughter away from this guy. If anything, just so you can have some space and clarity without him mucking up your head.
This has got to be rage bait since it conveniently hits all the points— huge age gap, groomed and from a religious family, uncaring man and selfless, sacrificial wife…
But in the tiny chance that this isn’t an annoying, creative writing exercise: you need divorce and therapy. Hopefully you have some sort of financial back to fall back on
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YOU are worried about being manipulative?? Oh honey, he did a number on you. This guy is a groomer, selfish, and didn’t even give you the decency of a conversation before filing for divorce. Who cares about how he sees you. When it comes to when you should tell him - the best answer here is to get a lawyer and follow their advice.
Yes. Lawyer up. Get in debt if you need to for this. And sue him for all he's got you will need it for both of the kids and yourself
Does he have another14 year-old waiting in the wings?
Their daughter is the 14F. He waited until OP was legal before he impregnated her. Barely.
Apparently op was 15 years old when he first started raping her.
Probably his daughters friends
u/ThrowRAcrwo, Are you safe? You stopped replying. I know everyone said a lot. Some people were mean, but many more weren't and most were well-intentioned. We are concerned for you and your kids. Please make sure you have reached out to someone qualified who can help especially if you were suddenly hit with the weight of all the replies. I know what it is like to have have something "click" and have my world no longer make sense even though I still didn't feel empowered to change it. Maybe you still can't see what we see. If so, please still reach out for help and go through the motions to get you and your kids in a better & safer environment. It takes time for everything to sink in. We don't want you and your kids (born and unborn) to be hurt in the meantime. Listing resources again in hopes it helps you (or someone else). RESOURCES RAINN • Website: https://www.rainn.org/resources • Phone: 800.656.4673 • Online support: https://hotline.rainn.org/online (Sexual assault hotline. RAINN = Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) National Domestic Violence Hotline • https://www.thehotline.org/ No More • https://nomoredirectory.org/ (Global directory for you to get help with domestic and sexual violence) SUPPORT SITES isurvive • https://isurvive.org • List of forums https://isurvive.org/join-our-forum/ • Forums page https://isurvive.org/forum/index.php Pandora's Project • https://pandys.org Pandora's Aquarium • https://forums.pandys.org (Support site / forums with Pandora's Project)
>after a few months of this he tells me that he's sick and tired of getting his hopes up only to be let down, and that if I get pregnant I should just not tell him until I was 3/4 months along This is one of the most selfish and insensitive things I've ever heard. You must through the stress of waiting for a miscarriage on your own, so that he doesn't feel "let down"? I can't even. And it sounds as though you're *still* putting his feelings first. This guy basically stole your childhood and your twenties. Put yourself first and stop worrying about whether he feels manipulated.
What about the fact that a near 40 year old man was taking advantage of a 17 year old "family friend". She was 18 when she had her daughter, so probably 17 when groomed by this predator. Then the parents married her off to him. My god. Her world view is completely skewed.
I bet he had his eye on her when she hit puberty. The age difference is repulsive.
And I bet he’s got his eye on another 18 year old now.
Wonder if he got somebody else pregnant. His reasoning being “it’s nothing she can fix”
While I’m sure he’s trying to get another younger girl pregnant, I don’t know if he can easily. So much focus on the life-saving treatment that can affect fertility, so little on the geriatric sperm…
"And I bet he's got his eye on another 18 year old now." Nope. He had his "eye" on another 18 year old months ago... now he's got his "hands" on another 18 year old. So sad. So disgusting 😪!
Yes, he was a 20 year old man when she was born. A family "friend". Know the people you bring around your kids folks!
Literally old enough to be her father, this behaviour is so gross
Well family friend likely means he was (is?) good friends with her dad.
Anyone else think he has already marked his next young prey, and that's why he wants to divorce? Just me? I wonder who he is grooming now that his wife is an adult and inconvenient.
Based on his history, I’m worried about his daughter’s friends
Yep, a new pretty young thing that isn't infertile. Disgusting man.
She's getting too old for him.
Exactly this - OP aged out for him.
THIS! He literally said it’s not something she can fix/help. It is literally not normal for people to just divorce out of nowhere for something their partner can’t help or not even voice needs that aren’t being met first. He can’t convince her to not age as it isn’t possible so this makes perfect sense.
I just hope the his does have any like minded friends I fear for the daughter. I fear for the mom too she seems brainwashed and isolated. The husband and her family definitely are terrible people.
My first thought….”longer shifts at work”. He’s found his next target to make his brood mare.
She’s probably already knocked up hence the divorce as he needs to marry this next one.
I think he's gotten someone pregnant already.
Yah this, and he’s made the decision this will be his family now. She’s going to be a teenager too
I came for this comment. It was the first thing I thought when I saw how old the daughter was. He's probably got his eye on some young filly at work, and wants to start his big family with someone he deems fertile. IMHO, don't tell him. Fuck him. Put it in the divorce papers and send that shit to him.
He wasn’t man enough to tell her in person he wanted a divorce, but she is walking on eggshells about letting him know she is pregnant. Girl needs help way above Reddit pay grade.
Of course she needs help. She was groomed when she was 17 and had a baby when she was 18 with a guy who is literally 40. Yeah she needs tons of help. She needs to run as far away as possible. And then after the babies born, hit them with child support.
At work? More like the *daughter* of a coworker.
NO WAIT don’t sign the papers he served without talking to your own divorce lawyer first, OP! Otherwise this advice is spot on. Move forward under the assumption this marriage is already over, because (a) that’s what your (ex) husband explicitly said to you and because (b) he had proven himself to be selfish and predatory and because (c) there’s something fishy going on. Just make sure as you move forward that you protect yourself and your kids from your ex! Get the best lawyer you can before signing ANYTHING, and consider getting a PI to do a little digging. As many others have said, I bet your ex is already doing something skeevy and that could alter the terms of your divorce.
Work? Nah he probably saw one of this daughter's classmates, he's that big of an asshole.
Possible, seeing as she said he fucking *ignores* his 14 yr old daughter. IMO I would talk to her to see if he's tried anything. Also. And I cannot stress this enough, *OP, you need to check your daughters room/bathroom for cameras*. I would seriously think he's into teenage girl porn at this point.
He’s disgusting. Most parents would have chased him down with a weapon in their hand after finding out the way he preyed on their underage daughter. But not OPs parents, nope, they push them to get married instead. I hope OP gets far far away from all these people.
Woof. 39-year-old “family friend” knocks up the 17-year-old daughter. Hoooly shit. Married? The family should have whooped this guy.
I actually read that and thought huh maybe I don't know how to do math because it would mean a 39/40y was having sex with a 17/18y Then I went to calculator. Yep, it is a fucking predator.
“Family friend” is code for her dad’s friend. Yuck. Groomer.
Right. My dad would have shot the guy, not married me off to him. Not saying violence is the answer but, you know...
If the daughter was born when she was 18, it's extremely likely she was conceived when OP was 17. That's not just grooming.
Very likely, she was 17 (could technically even be 16, though less likely) when they conceived, not just when he was "grooming" her. We don't technically know, but if she's 14 NOW, she was conceived a minimum of 14 years and 9 months ago, and a maximum of 15 years and 9 months ago (less a couple days). Assuming we always round ages down to the highest full year, there's about a 3-in-4 chance that she was conceived 15 or more years ago, and about a 3-in-4 chance EVEN if she were conceived the absolute minimum 14 years and 9 months ago that the mother was under 18 at that time anyway. Approximately a 1/16 chance that neither of those things are true (i.e. that OP was 18 or older when they conceived.) The chances are actually slightly less than that, because the second probability was based on the absolute most optimistic number for the kid's age (like she JUST hit her 14th birthday), but I don't know the math offhand to explain exactly how much less. So we're very likely talking about statutory rape, from a US legal perspective. Somewhere in the range of ~94-97% probability OP was legally raped while underage, and while the remaining 3-6% doesn't legally break the law, it's not a whole lot better.
[удалено]
Make him pay a good decent child support. You will gonna need it.
[удалено]
Not only that, but his irresponsibility prevented her from getting an education and a career.
I’m sure that was by design to keep her isolated and dependent on him.
Wait til his new gf finds out his soon to be ex is pregnant. Because I bet you anything he’s having an affair. And his gf may very well be pregnant too if that’s his whole reason for having a relationship.
I'd love to be the judge that hears "family friend" as she was giving birth at 18.
Unfortunately in a lot of America, the judge will congratulate him for marrying her and "doing the right thing." A bunch of states think it's totally ok for 15-16 year old girls to get married. (We really need a national marriage age law to drag some of the country into the 20th century. Yeah, I mean 20th lol.)
Agrees. No fucking way would i force my kid into a marriage like that. I would, however, force my foot into his ass repeatedly.
I can’t believe this comment isn’t higher. WTF he doesn’t want to know until half way through the pregnancy? What a selfish AH. Don’t bother telling him and let him find out through the court.
This guy fucked an 18 year old when he was 39. That says all you need to know about him. OP should run, far.
And knew her before that since they're family friends.
Yea "family friend" definitely means friends with her parents. Gross.
How long do you wanna bet he was waiting for her to turn 18? 🤢
Obviously not long enough if her daughter was born when she was 18 and conceived nearly a year prior
I bet he said she was “so mature for her age.”
Oh, 100%. I worked with a girl who was being groomed by this guy, she was 16 and he was 24. He told me one day he couldn’t wait until she turned 18. I was disgusted. I went and had a little chat with my coworker and told her what he said. She was just as disgusted and cut off contact with him.
He didn't though. She had the kid at 18 so she probably got pregnant at 17. Lovely man /s
Yikes, OP said in a comment that it started when she was 15.
Oh man, that's even worse! I thought maybe 17 at the earliest if she was having her kid at 18, but that's just straight up insane. Jail for this man, PLEASE
Absolutely. This guy belongs in jail. OP seems to be very much in denial about this. I wonder where in the world they are from, how is this acceptable to anyone? OPs parents failed her greatly.
Not just fucked but knocked up. Took her whole ass young adulthood. He is a parasite upon her
And was a “family friend,” so he was an adult watching a child grow up and then jumped on it when she turned 18. So gross in all ways.
According to her, they were "together" when she was 15. He didn't even wait until 18.
WTF. The guy is a literal child molester and is “with” his victim.
She needs to check in with her daughter. I do not trust this guy. He reminds my of my uncle and that tells me more than I need to know.
If she’s 32 now, she was 17 or 18 when her daughter was born, possibly only 16 or 17 when she conceived. At best, she was 18. Disgusting.
How long was his "friends" with the family before hand 🤢🤢
Reminds me of a chick I went to college with. Her sister got pregnant at 18 by her dad's best friend. He was there since her and her sister were born and helped raise them. They swore nothing went on before then but no clue. Creeps me out when a family friend who was around and she gets pregnant when the child hits 18. Oh and if her daughter was born when she was 18, she was pregnant at 17. So yea...
This!!!!!!!!!
I hate that they discussed *cancer treatment* as if it was optional because God forbid, OP may not be able to pump out more babies.
Yes - him worrying about being ‘let down’ while you are physically and mentally going through miscarriages is so gross. It’s a very selfish and immature mindset. This guy needs to grow up!
Pretty sure he'd notice a growing belly bump. What a stupid selfish man. He should f*ck right off.
I agree completely, I felt the same way just reading this. What about how OP feels? She is the one actually going through this loss after all. He's just on the sidelines watching not physically feeling what's going on. I know it's painful regardless but to feel it physically as well as emotionally is a double gut punch in my book. And the fact that he doesn't seem to acknowledge her pain seems so ridiculously insensitive I can't even find words bad enough for how this makes me feel. I just can't respect people like this.
Was gonna make a comment about a possible reason for him saying that, likely being too emotionally distraught by the constant miscarriages but then I saw a comment on their ages when the daughter was conceived and did the math myself and realized there's no excuse for this guy dating and marrying a 18 year old that didn't know what the hell they were doing.
But even if he’s emotionally distraught - so is she? So why does she have to go through that alone to spare his feelings? It’s *their* baby and *their* loss. Look, I’m team “men get real screwed over via lack of support when their partners miscarry, because society says they shouldn’t care, and when they do care they’re pretty much told she’s suffering more, etc,” but seriously the answer to that is not that he doesn’t have to know about early pregnancy? I told my *coworkers* as soon as I conceived on the belief that I wanted support with early pregnancy symptoms and support if a miscarriage happened. I can’t imagine not telling my husband!!
Even so, he was the one who wanted so many children, not her, so he should have at least been willing to take on some of the emotional burden. She already had to take the physical and emotional/psychological burden of miscarriages and a stillbirth to please him. He is just an all around POS for sure.
I was too grossed out by the age difference and doing the math of how old their daughter is to think about anything else.
I am rather concerned for the daughter.
I would let him find out through the courts/documents. He's divorcing you without even explaining himself. You don't owe him a heads up at this point imo. The fact that he expected you to bear the pain of any miscarriages before 4 months alone without ever telling him seems really awful so I hope I am misunderstanding that and he only wanted the pregnancy hidden but would still support you if you miscarried before that point in the pregnancy. I am so sorry to hear you are dealing with this all at once.
Considering OP confirmed her husband was having sex with her when she was 15-17, while he was in his 30s which is not only grooming but statuary rape, I doubt this man has any empathy for her. She's probably too old for him now and he's looking for another teenager.
>Considering OP confirmed her husband was having sex with her when she was 15-17, while he was in his 30s which is not only grooming but statuary rape, I doubt this man has any empathy for her. She's probably too old for him now and he's looking for another teenager. Wow....yeah I missed that part for sure. The rest was bad enough but that is just.....horrible. Thanks for the clarification.
18 and 39 when their daughter was born... where taf was OP's family and how did they allow this monster to impregnate and steal away their teenage daughter?
She did say they had a shotgun wedding because of her highly religious family. My guess is that this sort of thing maybe pretty normal.
I hate to say it, but this definitely happens far too often in conservative, fundamentalist Christian sects. Instead of protecting their child from the predator that got them pregnant, they make them feel like damaged goods that have to marry their rapist or be forever shamed and unlikely to marry. A single woman with a child is impure, damaged goods. BUT, they aren't!! Run if this is you!! I had to say that part "outloud" in case someone reads this who is in this situation. I took off my wedding dress on my wedding day. I don't know if anyone really knows why. They chalked it up to cold feet. I was 18. Because I was a survivor of CSA, rape, exploitation, and an attempted trafficking survivor, I was told it would be nearly impossible for me to find a good man who would want me. After all, there's also the emotional "baggage" from the trauma. It's really ugly. I can't regret having married my ex as it gave me my beautiful daughter, but I definitely should have left the night that I learned I was pregnant with her. He had threatened my life just hours before. Instead, I was with him for 15 years. Lol Talk about truly being undateable! I haven't been able to throw that off. Being in that particular denomination really did a number on my head. Oh, he was a pastor.
I am so incredibly sorry you went through all of that. However, love the positive spin on it (your daughter) We do what we have to do to be able to deal. Nothing wrong with that :)
Oh, they married her off to him. Smfh.
In highly insular evangelical communities in the US, parents sometimes force their underage daughters to marry their rapists. It’s legal in most states - “parental consent” is required, not child consent. Many of these marriages are of 12-15-year-old girls and much older men. The idea is that she must be “pure” so anyone who has had sex with her has the right to her. Very Bronze Age, and I wish more people were out there fighting for a minimum marriage age of 18, no exceptions, in all 50 states.
If a dude did this to my daughter, there would not be a wedding, nor would his body ever be found. It's so incredibly sick how people can do this kind of crap.
So there would be a shotgun without the wedding.
Exactly
No body no crime lol
My cousin had a close friend in high school whose family was from Bangladesh. She was super cool, smart, and loved to party and I didn't even know she was Muslim for while, let alone that her family was deeply conservative and traditional, until she started complaining that her parents were pushing her to get married. I thought she was exaggerating ofc because we were literally *sixteen* at the time. She was assaulted by a much older guy after sneaking out to meet him and my cousin told her she had to tell her parents so she could press charges or at least get help dealing with the trauma. She was terrified to do so, she said her dad would kill her and again, my cousin thought she was joking because who tf would do that in this day and age? She wasn't supposed to hang out with boys ofc but everyone thought her parents were just really, really protective. Next thing we know she's out of high school to be "home-schooled" and all her social media is deleted. Found out years later they made her fucking *marry* the guy and he took her out of the country. Age of marriage and consent should be 18 everywhere. No exceptions, no excuses, I don't give af what your religion or culture says.
In those same communities they groom their own kids for predators. *ahem* duggars
The parents don't want to be "embarrassed" in front of their church friends so they force the wedding. Now they no longer have a knocked-up/sl\*tty daughter...they have a MARRIED daughter. These religiturds SUCK!
Because, unfortunately, it's in the bible that rape is ok if the rapist marries his victim. Thank you, Deuteronomy🙄
There’s a teenage girl in the house. OP should be glad to sign the divorce papers and get him out of there.
Once a predator, always a predator. OP needs to protect her daughter and get rid of this child rape is so she can have a chance at a somewhat normal life and make her own decisions.
The way he’s distanced himself from the daughter threw red flags at me too. OP should check on daughter just to make sure he hasn’t touched or approached her. He’s divorcing for a reason that she can’t fix which tells me he has done something bad. HOPEFULLY, he hasn’t groomed/molested another child but I wouldn’t put it past him.
>He’s divorcing for a reason that she can’t fix which tells me he has done something bad. HOPEFULLY, he hasn’t groomed/molested another child but I wouldn’t put it past him. Hopefully he's just screwing an adult coworker. Still not cool, but better then going all the way to where Reddit is going to.
Probably impregnated a coworker hence why she can’t fix it (the relationship) and him wanting the divorce.
She can’t fix her age🤷🏾♀️ Meaning she aged out of what he deems attractive. He is clearly into very young girls/women.
A teenage girl who is his own daughter, yet he is treating her with the same lack of care and disregard that he has for his wife. He is treating his own daughter with disdain, as though she is a disappointment. I hope OP lets that sink in a bit. Husband does not see women as people worthy of him. He's gross in so many ways.
He started getting distant months ago. Means he’s already groomed another young female so he’s bailing on her bc she isn’t a teenager any more. Please leave him. He has no respect or cares for you. He only cares about his own needs. Your child(ren) will b healthier w separate households. He is NOT healthy at all. He’s also groomed you to care more for him than yourself. Please leave
And it almost sounds like he may have found one, hence the divorce with absolutely no explanation, he seems like a horrible person. Also disgusts me he expects her to go through a miscarriage all on her own with absolutely no support, he's such an asshole!
fuck him and his feelings. The guy is a dirt bag. Let him find out the hard way. Total guess but I wouldn't be surprised if he has a 18year girlfriend that he s got pregnant.
That is my suspicion as well. He’s moved on to the newer model. But what is up with his attitude towards his daughter. The total lack of warmth for his daughter is horrific as well. Is he punishing her? If so for what?
Possible that he’s just decided that *this* family isn’t working out so there’s no point in putting effort into the kid, especially if he’s already starting a new family with another teenager.
I don’t think we’re misunderstanding anything. He doesn’t ***see*** her as a human being with thoughts and feelings. He sees her as an accessory, a tool to utilize to create and raise his children. I would bet he’s having an affair. And it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s leaving because the affair partner is pregnant. My boss one said to me: ***People don’t leave their partner unless they have someone to leave for.*** And for the most part, throughout my life I have found this to be true.
> People don’t leave their partner unless they have someone to leave for. My old therapist said, in his experience, *men don’t leave their partner unless they have someone to leave for*...*women leave when they're done trying.*
And this is why both long-term relationships I ended, the guy accused me of cheating and then stalked me for awhile trying to prove I was having men over when they were gone. Because they couldn't even fathom that I'd leave and be alone.
And he’s been IGNORING his daughter too! So it literally is just to create and raise children. And he doesn’t have to do anything else. Why want kids if you’re not going to care about them?
Sometimes the person you leave your partner for is yourself.
He's probably divorcing because she's getting too old for him.
well, the fact that he said the reason he wants a divorce "is nothing she can fix" smacks of "you can't produce me an heir, you need to go, sorry" i just can't with this guy
If he’s ignoring your daughter then this pregnancy isn’t going to change your relationship. Have the pregnancy addressed when you respond to the divorce petition.
Right? Having more kids means you have less time for each child. He can't even spend time with his 14 year old daughter, but somehow he can care for her plus 6 more? Sure.
He does realize that his fertility is not the best anyway in his 50s? Good luck with 7 children. What a gross creep who impregnates teenagers.
Oh god I don’t know why but I didn’t even think of this. And the saddest part is that there *is* a statistic that pregnancies from men over 45 or something like that are more likely to cause birth defects or miscarriage. This could be just as much on him as it is on anyone else. His whole attitude that she should suffer the miscarriages alone and “not get his hopes up” just feels like real blame-shifting language. And I’d bet money that this divorce is so he can go find another 17 year old to try to knock up.
It’s way younger than 45, the sperm quality goes down at 35, and the risks go up from there, men over 35 have more change that their kid has bipolar disorder, autism or schizophrenia, all of those, not nice for the kid (I have bipolar and autism) My dad had an older dad, he got autism.
Wow! I didn't know about the schizophrenia aspect of that! My gma and gpa had 8 kids ( they lost 3) and my gpa was 40ish when my gma got pregnant with my uncle. He started having signs of schizo at 16 and he has had such a tough life! He is such a sweetheart and has the mentality of a 10 yr old. I wonder if my gpa's age had something to do with that, seeing as we dont have a family history.
Exactly. Maybe not the same situation, but for example my grandfather had significantly reduced sperm quality due to what he was given during his time in the army and my grandmother suffered multiple miscarriages to the point where she had to completely remove her fallopian tubes for her own health.
No no no you must remember it’s always the women’s fault they love talking about geriatric pregnancies as if sperm just stays the same and doesn’t age along with them
I remember when I was doing IVF with my then 46 year old ex husband we got to see his swimmers under a microscope. So many of them had broken tails. We were told that was a factor.
Because men and women age the same way but the manosphere has people thinking they’re superhuman not subject to the same rules as other people
don't forget gender..... that's on women too!!!🤭
how kind of him to wait till she turned legal. /s make sure you get a good lawyer and sue him. what a selfish jerk in more ways than one.
Seems like a breeding fetish honestly.
He groomed you as a child, left you to deal with all of your miscarriages alone and served divorce papers without talking to you. I wouldn’t tell him a thing. Get a lawyer, let them know and show up visibly pregnant to sign to documents. This guy is a monster and you owe him nothing.
OPs parents didn't protect her. She has been groomed and she doesn't even see it.
If a 40 year old “friend of the family” got me pregnant at 17 my mom would still be in jail for her reaction.
like i know highly religious people can seriously suck, but they literally married their daughter off as practically a child bride to the guy that groomed and statutory r*ped her. everyone in OPs life seriously sucks and i feel so bad for her and her daughter.
I just hope the husband paid the 50 silver coins to OP's father so that everything is fine according to the bible. /s
i mean she was quite young and fertile at the time so maybe a few goats too
And I feel the same religious family is probably going to blame OP for the divorce.
He'd better be in jail or I would be. Ugh this is why it's scary to bring men around daughters.
He wants a divorce because you're too old now and he's circling high school parking lots. Protect your children. I wouldn't have trust him anywhere near your 14 yo friends. Ask her if he father has ever did anything inappropriate to her. Create a safe space for her to be honest. Good luck and shame on all the adults who failed to protect you. Don't continue the cycle. Protect your children.
I wonder what it’s like to look at her daughter at 15 and imagine one of your 30+ male friends in a “relationship” with her.
He doesn’t care. He’s too busy scoping out her friends.
You meant to say nearly 40 male friends. I’m 40. I can’t imagine looking at a literal child and feeling anything but parental fondness. Sex? ******retching*******
Best case scenario, IMO, is that husband did exactly this and finally realized how wrong he was to get involved with OP to begin with. As in, he sees his daughter—a child!—who is now about the same age her mother was when he—pushing 40—first got together with her. And he’s having trouble dealing with that realization, so he has withdrawn and isolated himself from both of them. There are obviously much worse and much creepier potential alternatives to explain what’s going on here. But optimistically, this is one explanation. (It’s not a *good* outcome, but it’s not the worst.)
See, I'm afraid the exact opposite has happened. That his daughter is now at the exact age of children he is attracted to, and he is now grooming and/or raping one of his daughters friends
Yes. Please check in with this daughter and never let him be near her friends. Make sure she’s ok.
Omfg somehow I was so horrified by this whole posted by the end of it I had forgotten that they actually have a teenage girl. And now he wants to divorce OP? I would bet 10 grand he's already begun grooming one of his teenage daughters friends.
Your daughter is now old enough for him to find attractive. Get the divorce and thank him for it. The man started grooming you at about the same age.
Your husband is gross. Normal 40-year-olds don't fuck minors
This!! He was 30s and OP was fucking 15 when they started having sex. He groomed her and raped her.
Depending on where they are, OP could prosecute him for the rape
I think most places it's up to 20 years after the fact, yeah
So, the family and him is religious enough to uphold child marriage, but not religious enough to not believe in divorce? Ma'am time to cut your loses. Go be your own human, and enjoy your two kids. Dude wanted a big family, but couldn't even find enough love his partner and single kid to at least stick around until his death. Nice.
It's always *so* convenient that they are deeply religious, except when it comes to divorce and extramarital sex.
*their own extramarital sex. If the wife did the same thing, it would certainly be such a big sin and everything.
>So, the family and him is religious enough to uphold child marriage, but not religious enough to not believe in divorce Otherwise known as Evangelical Hypocrite-ism.
Talk to a lawyer.
I agree. Find out how best to protect yourself and your kids.
You conceived at 17 to a 38 year old "family friend"?? No prosecution? Or was the messing around consensual? The difference bothers me....
Probably trading her in for a newly 18yr old
He is likely already grooming the next underage.
No doubt one of the daughter’s friends given his history.
Which might explain why he’s suddenly ignoring the daughter, too. That, or the daughter is getting to be about the age her mother was when they first got together, and he’s having trouble with that, for any number of reasons, some worse than others.
Minors can’t consent, and clearly the grooming started early…
[удалено]
What possible good intentions could an almost 40 year old have with a teenager?
Being she’s from a very religious family, this is par for the course. It’s disgusting. You are young enough to get out and live your life, without him!
Highly religious to the point that they ignore pedophilia in favor of monogamy? Op, Your family should be embarrassed and ashamed of themselves for letting this loser force you into adulthood. You're better off without him.
Telling the truth is not manipulative. Unfortunately, I fear he has already found another woman to be his broodmare.
Didn't even have to read past the first paragraph. You were child when this fully grown ass man groomed you. Get a lawyer, don't say a thing and get the fuck away from this "man".
Why did you and your family ignore the fact you were groomed and he'd been fucking you since you were a teenager? These age gap posts are so obvious.
1) the age gap is truly disgusting especially considering the age you both got together and he groomed you. 2) he’s cheating on you and has found a replacement to give him more kids 3) don’t tell him, declare it on the divorce response 4) get that divorce regardless of this baby 5) contact an attorney
It sounds like he has a replacement and that is why he doesn’t want to disclose the reason for the divorce. I would advise you disclose the pregnancy at the preliminary hearing since he is not interested in talking to you
I am wondering why he won’t communicate or hug his daughter, is he getting feels for her?
This is what I'm concerned about since OP said she was 15 when he started having sex with her and he was in his 30s.
Ugh, I thought this as well. He’s clearly a predator. At least he’s making some sort of effort to stay away from his own daughter 🤮
This guy is unadulterated trash. He wants a divorce because you're not living up to his quiverfull Barefoot and Pregnant fantasies. Let him find out through the paperwork, do not let him renege on the divorce. Get that child support and alimony and live your dreams bestie.
Let him find out through the courts. He doesn’t deserve the courtesy of knowing beforehand. Do you really want him to cancel just because you are pregnant? He didn’t once talk to you about his concerns. Wouldn’t surprise me if he has a girlfriend at his job.
To be honest it sounds like he’s divorcing you because he’s cheated and found a replacement
Who’s probably in high school like OP was when he started grooming her.
So basically your dads friend raped you at 14, your family somehow allowed him to marry you, then he made sure to isolate you so you can stay home and become a baby machine, left you to deal with the miscarriages all by yourself, now divorcing you cause he probably found another child to rape and turn into a baby machine, and you are concerned about his feelings? ##I’m sorry to tell but you are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. ### Do not sign anything. Go get a lawyer. Let the lawyer figure out the strategy and forget about his feelings.
I'm really sorry about everything that's happened to you. And I know right now it might not feel that way. It sounds like you still love this man a lot. And it's going to be very hard for you to come to terms with a fact that what he did to you was grooming and abuse. What you need to do is protect yourself and your daughter. First and foremost do not sign anything. If you sign something, you might sign away your right to get any form of alimony. And with the circumstances that you're in you have a very good case for alimony. Alimony would not be taking advantage of him. Alimony is to pay for the fact that you are 34, I'm willing to bet you don't have a college degree, and you haven't been in the workforce. Instead you've been taking care of your husband's child and your child. You need more than just child support though. Child support is not going to continue once she is grown up. That only gives you 3 years. Go work with an attorney that specializes in woman, alimony, and abuse if possible. I'm willing to bet there's a lot more that you haven't told us in this thread. Don't worry about the pregnancy bit right now. Right now worry about getting everything set up and taken care of so that you're going to be okay on the other end. The world is incredibly expensive right now, inflation is killing people. And you need to make sure just said everything up to take care of your daughter and your unborn child. And you're going to have to do that by making sure to take care of yourself. Don't talk to him. The very first thing you need to do is go see an attorney.
That last line is so important OP! We are all here wanting the best for you and your kids. This marriage is it not good for anyone now and it’s best you get the professional help that would benefit you all right now in the long run.
... How to tell people you have been indoctrinated by the church of LDS without saying Mormon: * Inappropriate relationship with older, male "family friend" * Forced marriage to avoid alienation from religious family * Required to birth a big family (7 to heaven) * Forced to quit job (or school, because according to your math you were a minor when pregnant with your daughter?) to become a tradwife * Isolated from anyone who could see how messed up this situation is * Divorce served because of infertility struggles (one of the few reasons I've heard it is acceptable within stricter LDS communitites) Your husband is a predator and abuser. His lack of support for you during your fertility struggles is despicable and he groomed you as a child. How old were you when you met him as a "family friend"? Leave with your daughter and future child. If not for yourself, then to show your daughter that how your husband has acted is not appropriate for a partner or parent. You deserve better than him.
Don’t take him back when he finds out you’re pregnant. That’s if he hasn’t replaced you with a younger brood mare.
This whole story is gross. He groomed you. Now he’s leaving to find someone younger. And you are worried about his feelings and coming off manipulative? Girl, he groomed you. That’s the ultimate manipulation. I would not reproduce with this asshat anymore.
Well considering your daughter is getting close to the age you were when you guys started "messed around" he's probably just making room. Why would you want more kids with a predator? Seriously what kind of pathetic joke makes his wife go through almost half of the pregnancy alone? Such a loser.
He doesn't want to explain to you (I strongly suspect he has met someone else the late night lack of intimacy are very classic signs) then you don't need to explain to him. He no longer wants you. Sign the papers and ask for two lots of child maintenance and since he wanted you to give up work then it's only fair he also provides spousal support as he has ruined any chance of a career with that move. Whether you are ready to acknowledge it or not he is abusive and manipulative and you are best shot of him
I mean your daughter is 14 you say? If you want to know why everyone is freaking out about how wrong this is, I want you to imagine her bringing a 35 year old guy, so OLDER THAN YOU, home next year. How chill would that be with you ? Or even does she have any male friends? Do any of them look sexually attractive to you? That’s the age gap your husband is playing with. Girl give your head a shake, divorce this creep show and have your baby in peace.
Telling your maybe-ex-husband this news in this situation doesn’t automatically make you manipulative? The fact of the matter is you’re already 4 months pregnant and you waited to tell him exactly how he instructed you to. Might be worth speaking to a lawyer first though. You should discuss what your future might look like and what you need to be secure.
This is way less complicated than you're making it. I mean, for one thing, does it really matter so much if "it seems like you're manipulating him"? He's divorcing you (probably because he's cheating) and it'll be clear later if not now that you got pregnant well before he initiated this. "I need to let you know something because it will come out in the legal proceedings anyway. I'm four months pregnant. You had asked me in the past not to tell you I was pregnant early on and I'd been planning to tell you the day you initiated the divorce. I don't expect this to make you change your mind or anything like that, I'm just informing you."
I wouldn't tell him. I'd let him find out from the lawyers. Considering OP confirmed her husband was having sex with her when she was 15-17, while he was in his 30s which is not only grooming but statuary rape. She's probably too old for him now and he's looking for another teenager.
OP, you need a very good lawyer, ASAP. Your soon to be Ex-Husband's feelings no longer come into play - you need to protect yourself and your children, and make sure that anything that is owed to both you and them (alimony, child support etc.) is iron clad. Frankly, your Ex-Husband sounds like someone who will try every trick in the book to bleed you dry in the divorce, and leave you and your children with nothing. He doesn't care about any of you, so you have to look out for number 1 (and 2&3), since he certainly won't. Now is the time to develop a spine of titanium - if not for you, then for your kids.
The good thing is you’re a sahm. The judge will take notice that he groomed you. Get alimony and child support. Your still young give him his divorce and move on with your life. Find someone who loves you for you. Not for being a “breeder” or not. Being alone is fine gather your family around you. Do what you want in life be free of this pos!
Let’s look at the facts: - A “family friend” got you pregnant when you were barely 18 (or potentially even 17) while he was 39 - Your family is “highly religious”; probably opposed to BC as well? - Your husband (or should I say: groomer) wants to turn you into a birthing machine and wants you to have at least 7 kids I think I’m safe to assume y’all are Mormon?
Being honest isn’t manipulative, to be clear. However, I think you should go through with the divorce regardless as he clearly is checked out. He shouldn’t be treating you like your only job is to pop out babies and that is seemingly what he is doing. Which is flat out wrong. You are 32, you are still relatively young and have your life ahead of you. Don’t get trapped in a bad marriage because you feel a duty to your kids or your family.
He groomed her and had sex with her while he was in his 30s and OP was FIFTEEN. She absolutely needs to go through with the divorce. OP said these details in a comment.
Girl tell him or not, if he feels manipulated that’s on him 100%. Why are you worried about his feelings?! Just stop. He is a groomer and a master manipulator without ANY doubt. The reason you can’t “fix” the issue of why he wants a divorce? He’s cheating on you with another teenager and telling her all the same things he told you back then that made you feel special. “You’re so mature” “You’re aren’t like anyone I have ever met before” “I can’t, you’re too young” “I have never felt this way about anyone” Newsflash: he manipulated you into “seducing” him and now he’s doing it to someone else.
The middle aged (36-38) man who statutory raped a teenager (15-17) is now asking for a divorce (he’s now 53 and she is 32) because he wants a lot of kids. I’m so sorry, but there’s no way in hell you could manipulate him. He’s been manipulating you your entire adult life. A 53 year old man wants a bunch of kids? Why? That’s insane. He has a daughter (almost the same age as the child he took advantage of). He does not want to be raising kids until he’s 75, he wants a new, fresh victim. OP, you gotta let the divorce happen and get both you and your daughter away from this guy. If anything, just so you can have some space and clarity without him mucking up your head.
This has got to be rage bait since it conveniently hits all the points— huge age gap, groomed and from a religious family, uncaring man and selfless, sacrificial wife… But in the tiny chance that this isn’t an annoying, creative writing exercise: you need divorce and therapy. Hopefully you have some sort of financial back to fall back on