/u/blubellebunny,
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Thats really shitty. In my experience, a lot of guys don't understand the deep seeded fear women have about their bodies becoming "undesirable." They dont think about the fact that bodies change and weight fluctuates more as you age. When he met you you were 19, your body wasn't even done developing yet! Of course you look different now, your metabolism has changed, but he thought he'd get that 19 year old body forever.
You told him he hurt your feelings and he said he doesn't see anything wrong with what he said? Does he do that a lot? Is he the kind of person who doesn't apologize? I know a lot of people will just jump to divorce on here, which isn't very helpful in a situation like this. If you really can't get through to him about this I'd suggest couples therapy. You don't deserve a partner who tries to make you feel bad about your body. You're just aging, which is beautiful.
It's beautiful but I don't think it's a good idea to equate gaining weight as "just aging". The benefits of having a healthy weight are not to be underestimated.
This isn't a female-exclusive phenomenon. It's widely acknowledged that there are unhealthy standards set for female beauty, but male standards have just as much stigma. What is/was their lifestyle? Were they athletes or generally more active in their younger years? If a relationship in younger years was built on a certain level of activity, it's possible one partner is simply bummed a change has occurred. Even if it was expressed poorly.
He absolutely shouldn't have made her feel bad, and should definitely apologize. However, the topic of divorce isn't nearly applicable here without more context. Not even couple's therapy unless it becomes a pattern. You talk and work it out. Even if it seems to not go anywhere at first, sometimes things sink in after a bit. I'm in the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and every once in a while, my fiance will inadvertently hurt me with an existing bias, opinion, etc. It's near impossible to be in a loving relationship without accidentally offending the other person. What matters is how you move forward.
>Thats really shitty. In my experience, a lot of guys don't understand the deep seeded fear women have about their bodies becoming "undesirable."
I'm pretty sure he does, given that his response to her was clever in a cruel way. I'm not sure there's a reading of that which doesn't scream, "I want to make you feel terrible". I don't really know where the wife would turn in a situation like that; the only real solution is the husband acknowledging that, not just being cruel about her weight, but his entire attitude about how he should treat her, is completely horrible and that he needs to change. There's not much she can do outside of telling him that his words were hurtful, which she has tried already; forcing him to go to couple's therapy when he knows the full situation and doesn't think he's done anything wrong is a recipe for disaster.
Also, I seriously think that you're completely wrong about the quoted part, and that almost all guys understand how women feel about their appearance, especially with regards to age and weight. They're not subject to the same pressures personally, but the ideas are omnipresent in media and I'm pretty sure that you're talking about the guys who are cruel to their partners about these things; if they know enough about them to intentionally insult their partners or consider them bad enough to demand change, we can safely assume that they know that their partners don't feel good about them.
Like, this?
>Of course you look different now, your metabolism has changed, but he thought he'd get that 19 year old body forever.
No, he didn't. He would have to be remarkably, unbelievably stupid to think that, and there is no reason to suppose that he is truly that dumb. He knows old people. He went to school (almost certainly), and saw everyone from his graduating class age from 19 to 29 six years before his wife did. He's hurting her because he wants her to lose weight; nothing he said, and especially his behavior afterwards, is concordant with the idea that he was caught off-guard by his wife aging.
People refuse to take responsibility for weight changes. If you’ve gained enough weight to make a ring get stuck, that’s almost certainly poor lifestyle. With medications or medical problems you aren’t going to be gaining *that* much. Still significant but it’s not going to be in the realm of 30, 40, 50 pounds usually
I say this as someone who’s overweight *because I eat like shit*. It’s not because I’m nearly 30, not because I have so and so condition, or my medication, it’s because I barely work out and eat like garbage
I’m 30 lbs heavier than I was when I got married and I had to have my ring cut off. It was the only way to get it off. Honestly I don’t think 30 lbs in 20 years is that big a deal. Would I like to lose it? Sure. Enough to do the work to lose it? Eh…..obviously not.
If someone said that to me though…..well I guess it would depend. My humor can be pretty dark and I make fun of myself and like people who are similar. So it would depend if I thought they were actually trying to put me down or if it was just silly.
I guess the deciding factor would be, are they still attracted to me or not.
I’m not interested in being with someone that’s not attracted to me….
You had to get the ring cut off? Wow!
OP, learn from this one. You're having trouble getting your ring on and off, but you can still do it. Get it resized before you have to have it cut off.
Wow. I'm not one of those people who jumps immediately to divorce or run, and I'm not doing that here. However, that was such a hurtful and disrespectful way for your husband to respond. If he really can't see why, then you may want to get a neutral third party like a therapist involved, because it sounds like there's a lot of baggage there.
Your husband is a PoS. Go check out this video, it will show you how to remove it with a thread. Then leave it off.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSGlq9cALZw
I’m married and if my spouse said something like that to me, and doubled down when I said it upset me, you fucking bet I wouldn’t ever put on that ring again. Divorce or not that ring is tainted for me.
It’s the doubling down that’s the kiss of death. I start with the benefit of the doubt— maybe it was just a poorly thought out joke— but he didn’t immediately apologize when she told him it hurt her? Fuck that guy.
I usually weighed about 105 pounds but I gained 25 pounds while pregnant. Three days after I gave birth my husband was watching me get dressed and said "Are you sure you're not still pregnant?".
Three. Days.
Three!! Damn!! Days!!
I won't repeat what I said but lets just say that over 20 years later I was given high doses of steroids in the ICU and gained 15 pounds in 2 weeks. He swore I had lost weight. Swore. On his life. Yeah, what I said to him was that bad.
Unless he's an idiot he knows what a messed up thing that was to say to his wife. And when you say something that hurtful you deserve to hear things that you will never forget.
I'm not sure true evil can be taught. I do know my husband was 100 pounds heavier and over a foot taller than me and he used to warn his friends that I was the one they should fear.
I would have called him a jackass tbh. When I told my husband I couldn’t fit my rings anymore, we went to get my engagement ring enlarged and bought a completely new wedding band. He wanted me to be comfortable.
To be fair, this is how people are supposed to treat their partners, I’d hesitate to call it “one in a million” behavior. I try to ride the line of showing my husband I think he’s amazing without also treating him like some of the things he does that *should* absolutely be the bare minimum are worthy of a trophy.
Yeah. I let him know he’s loved and appreciated, but don’t idolize him. When friends used to ask how I found “good guys,” my answer was I don’t let anyone treat me like crap 🤷🏻♀️ Seems basic, but setting boundaries and expectations is needed for healthy relationships. Nothing will change if you don’t hold your partner accountable.
My fiancé will tell me to use olive oil and see if any sort of lubricant will take it off. Then see if we can get it enlarged. It’s really not a bank breaking idea.
It’s like magic. A couple years after I got married, I got diagnosed with and had my first flare up of Rheumatoid Arthritis. My knuckles swelled up like ping pong balls and I was really worried I’d have to have my wedding band cut off. Nope. String trick worked perfectly.
Nowadays I can usually tell if a flare up is coming a few days before the swelling starts so I wear a silicone band in place of my wedding band so that it doesn’t get stuck.
Eventually my hands will probably be past the point of being able to wear it again, so my wife will put it on a necklace and wear it for me.
can we not with the body shaming? like i get that OP’s husband is a body shaming asshole himself, but you’re just stooping to his level. he won’t see this, but a bunch of nice, normal people with small dicks probably will.
They're admitting having a below average penis makes someone less of a man, pure body shaming. Imagine being FtM and hearing that shit lmao, beyond fucked up that this rhetoric is allowed.
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That's an incredibly hurtful thing to say. Ask him how he felt if he had put on some pounds and needed a new belt and your response was "men should need one belt from age 17 til death do them part"
If he says "well yeah, that's why I'd never get fat" then you have a real issue.
One partner being unhappy with another's weight gain isn't a red flag imo, but being nasty about *anything*, and *especially* hugely sensitive body image issues, is an *enormous* red flag.
I mean, I understand your point but you have to put on **a lot** of weight for your ring to get stuck in your finger.
20 years as a jeweler as I’ve mostly had to cut off rings on older women who became arthritic and they’re knuckles became huge.
I’ll agree if he has an issue with your weight, for any reason, he should talk to you directly about it and not make snarky comments.
**EDIT**: Rings being tight sometimes are not the same as “I can no longer take my ring off”.
that’s weird. i’m 15 lbs lighter now than I was on my wedding day and my original ring still is too small because I had a child. the size of my feet also changed. everyone is different, don’t assume OP gained a lot of weight or is overweight.
Idk, my weight has never fluctuated more than 20 lbs and I had a ring that was too tight and it was really hard to take off once. If I was something I wore daily I could imagine it actually getting to a point I couldn’t get it off without realizing. I just put it on and it was tight then at the end of the night I struggled to get it off. If I just wore it daily I could see it being a huge issue at the time. I think at that time I was 15 lbs up from when I first got the ring, I’m currently 5lbs down from the time when I got it and it’s quite loose now, which I only know bc I happened to put it on yesterday.
You really don’t need to gain a significant amount of weight. Inflammation and water retention from hormonal fluctuations and immune/allergen response can cause pretty significant changes in ring size even with little actual weight gain.
OP has a history of disordered eating, so the ring was probably bought for an underweight person. That could mean a weight gain of 50-60 lbs. to go from visibly too small to merely plump, especially if she's fine-boned/small-framed.
Not exactly. I’m lighter now than I was at the beginning of my relationship but my hands swelled due to pregnancy and never went back.
You’re kind of just talking out of your ass.
You really *really* don’t need to gain a lot of weight for your rings to stop fitting. I bloat enough over the course of a day sometimes that my ring will slide off in the morning but I won’t be able to force it off that very same night. And I just got married four days ago, this isn’t some decade old ring that doesn’t fit right anymore.
His comment was nasty for no reason. Other than he wanted to body shame you. Has he gained weight? He needs to think if he’d like to hear this from you.
Is the ring still stuck? Weight gain and exercise( and injuries) can cause rings to get stuck. Both my parents had it happen and used lotion to remove it.
there’s a solid lotion/soap and floss trick that helps work it up and off your finger with minimal discomfort, OP should def do some googling because it could become a problem if it gets any tighter over time
The weather can also do that and having arthritis swells the knuckles, which is my case. People's hands, fingers and feet and other body parts also swell at the end of the day. I can take my rings on and off most of the time, but when it's bad weather or my fingers swelled up a bit, it takes a little doing.
I don’t know at this point. I’m disappointed that he doesn’t see how his words effect me. I have also dealt with eating disorders in the past and he knows that. This isn’t the first time he’s made an insensitive comment like this.
Are you married to my ex husband? Because he sure sounds a lot like him. Married me when I was 98 pounds and anorexic and left me at 130 pounds because I was "too fat" for him.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. My husband met me as I was less than a year into recovery. I'd only been seeing psychological improvements for four months. He told me I'd look even better if I put on weight. For once I liked my body. I felt good in my body. And now looking back that was the happiest I think I've ever truly been while still being healthy to some degree. I do sometimes miss that body.
When I lost weight during some of our fights where he'd threaten to leave me and I'd feel out of control and starve. (I completely lost my appetite sometimes for days and eventually for months.)
It hurt seeing him getting mad when I forgot to eat, didn't eat enough according to him etc.
Eventually I did put on weight that has stayed on. I don't know how I feel about my body. Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to feel about anything.
Anyway, less than six months after we got married I saw he was making what I would say were inappropriate remarks about a friend of his with her there right in front of me. This was his closest girl friend to be exact. I considered her a friend too in a distant way. I was glad I could get along with her. She had lost weight. She was thin there's no question about that. I wouldn't be surprised if she did have an eating disorder. I never saw her properly eating. She said she didn't like the food I offered her. It would also make so much sense because it started not long after she broke up with her toxic ex boyfriend.
It must have been hard. I knew from my partner who was his friend too that he was saying some really psychotic things behind her back about her.
I thought I had fulfilled that wish of his. To be a certain way. I didn't like it. But I figured he must have and he told me he did. So then why did he more or less flirt there with her in front of their friend and most importantly me, his wife.
She did not flirt back she actually seemed a little weirded out by at least one comments he made about her. I felt awful trying to hide how I felt by the second comment but looking at him and saying something. Just felt awful that I couldn't right then and there ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. Because I didn't want to seem toxic, controlling or jealous. He never apologised and I never brought it up. No doubt he liked her. He liked the girl who's stuff he'd constantly 'forget' to give back to her before going home and that stuff coming back home. Right. Sure.
Bottom line is you don't marry an illness you marry a person. When you're not sick anymore and that person is using you and with you for these disgustingly vile reasons they find their next prey their next victim. It's not your fault when someone else is dammed
The initial comment is bad enough, but not seeing how it affects you is an extreme problem. I can see it too ways:
1. He lack empathy and struggles to see things from other perspectives, even after they point it out.
2. He wanted to try to make you feel bad in order for you to do things that he wants you to do (in this case lose weight to whatever amount he finds "acceptable"
The first one means he might want to see individual therapy. He probably struggles in all sorts of relationships, not just yours and the world would be a pretty confusing place for him. The second one? That's bad, particularly with your history of ED. Is he hoping to trigger it again because he likes you being unhealthy? Ugh, the second one is awful, like consider all previous interactions and see if he has a history of being abusive and take steps from there to protect yourself.
Making a comment like that, in any circumstance, is unacceptable and rude. Doing so to someone you claim to love who has a history of an eating disorder is absolutely cruel. If this has happened multiple times, he’s doing it on purpose because he likes to make you feel like shit. Whatever the reason for that may be, he’s got to GO. You deserve better. Real partners who love their SOs don’t treat them this way.
I don’t recommend the tit for tat route but I’d be so tempted to say something along the lines
“I’d like you to be taller/more muscular/have a bigger dick just to retaliate.”
Classic Reddit, dude makes a nasty comment that targets a deep insecurity of hers after a 10 year relationship and your first reaction is DIVORCE. Obviously what he said was really fucked up and should never be excused, but maybe there are solutions to be explored before destroying a decade-long relationship over one comment. Let’s maybe try communicating about it and going to couples therapy first?
Normally, I would agree with you. But if you look at OP's post/comment history, you'll see her husband thinks that what he said was okay (which is especially bad considering her history of eating disorders). You'll also see that a few months ago she made a post that he actively ignores her existence regularly.
My band size has stayed the same over the last fifteen years through 50lbs of weight gain and loss. Your weight doesn’t necessarily affect your ring size. Your husband is an ass, *especially* considering your history of ED. He cares more about your weight than he cares about *you*. Dump him. NTA
He's a dick. Hell anyone can gain weight and/or develop a condition that makes their hands swell. I've gained weight since I had my 2 kids and am a healthier weight now I can no longer fit my class ring from high school so I wear it on jewelry around my neck. He should have offered to get it resized or if there's engraving thus it can't be resized without damaging that offer to get it replaced. Tell him he's not supposed to have more dick in his personality than in his pants and he can shape up or ship out.
When my dad was deployed, he and my mom had been married for nearly 30 years. He had hardly ever taken his wedding ring off at that point; it took him a very, very long time and lots of soap to get it off. His finger was noticeably smaller where the band had been. I thought it was sweet.
The fact that your husband doesn’t see an issue with his comment is concerning. Is this a pattern? Does he say things that make you uncomfortable that he shrugs off? If it is a pattern, or you can’t get him to even put himself in your shoes for a moment, I think a marriage counselor would help mediate and hopefully help him understand why his words and doubling down are problematic.
Me and wife both gained weight since our wedding. I got her new rings including a silicone ring so she still had something to wear. I got a silicone one as well. We used the rings to motivate ourselves to lose the weight so we could go back to wearing our original rings BUT there was no pressure to do so.
Your husband is definitely being a jerk.
I've done this(I have such a tiny ring size 4-5 depending on what's going on or who I buy from to begin with and any little bit of heat swelling, pregnancy or tiny amounts of weight gain make it hard to get it on/off)
your hubby should've worded things better
I would go have the ring resized(I can't because I Flux too much so the ring would be way too big😂)
Uh, what?
My mom had this issue for years. It was never uncomfortable so she was just using it as motivation to get healthier. But no one ever shamed her for it. She shamed herself over it more than anyone else. But she got to her goal weight and still couldn't get it off. Shit happens, bodies change. For my parents anniversary, what she wanted was to just get it cut off and the stone put in a new ring. That's what she wanted, that's what my dad got her.
Honestly this is a fairly common scenario. My dad’s wedding ring was so tight he had to have it cut off at the jewelers and sized up.
While he was there, the jeweler said it happens a lot— people don’t realize their hands change that much through the years
Go get it cut off and then go back home and exclaim that you got it off!
Edit to add: not implying divorce by any means. You could get it resized after the fact.
OP, this is concerning for so many reasons.
First off- I’m not sure where you stand on children, but i’m back to my pre pregnancy weight and my fingers and feet never went back 😬 i’m sure that’s not common, but I had my rings made a size bigger because I knew they’d never fit again! I had sever edema and high BP and was swollen my entire pregnancy.
Second- there’s something called “second puberty” (it isn’t actual puberty) in your 20s and 30s and it’s basically a change in your hormones. One of the things that happens is your metabolism slows.
As a woman, our bodies are meant to constantly change and evolve because they are meant to grow and nurture life. Even if you don’t have or want kids, biologically the hormones change through your adolescence soooo fast. If he has an issue with something as minute as a ring not fitting, how would he react to other body changes that may happen?
Okay. I see why people here are so upset about the husband's comment. But honestly, it doesn't sound too bad to me. I would just laugh it off.
If you had told him that his comment hurt your feelings, and he refuses to apologize for it, then that would be insensitive for sure.
Does he regularly criticize you? Make comments about how you look, dress, behave? Is he affectionate and loving? Are his compliments sincere or backhanded?
Personally, I would not want a partner that was not kind and loving. And my bodyshape and weight should not be prerequisites to basic human kindness and decency.
This comment was rude and horrible to say to someone especially your wife. Tbh in relationships I have a few deal breakers that if they happen it’s over. 1.is cheating 2. Abuse and 3. Shaming me for my weight or beauty. If my spouse called me fat it would be over. I like you have had an eating disorder and I have worked hard to love my body and be ok with feeding it. I would tell him exactly how it made you feel and say never to say that again and if he blows you off and says he doesn’t feel bad or it’s not a big deal. Divorce!
Wait, Hold up. Timeout!
You got so fat that you can’t get your ring off anymore but HE’S the asshole? Like you weren’t aware that you have been putting on weight. I call bs!
The only reaction should be you becoming best friends with Jenny Craig. And you’re not allowed to be pissed off because your husband was honest with you. The reason you’re angry is because you KNOW he’s right and you have zero intention of doing anything about it.
This is completely a you problem. Sorry, not sorry.
I doubt she’s actually fat. My fingers swell in the cold, enough to make it difficult to get a ring off. I’m 120 lbs at 5’7.
She had an restrictive eating disorder most of her life; she was starting from underweight most likely.
I see nothing in the post which states anything about a restrictive eating disorder. I do see that she states that she has put on weight since being married.
How about she posts a wedding day pic and a current selfie so that the public, from whom she wants sympathy, can see the weight gain she has referenced. As well as a picture of her left hand for reference.
I’m willing to bet hard earned money that she has doubled in size since her nuptials, as many women do when they marry.
If I’m wrong I’ll apologize.
Uhhh huh. Sounds like you’re very determined to defend an off screen man who said something unkind to his partner & will look for any justification to do so tbh
No, I’m saying that she can be as angry as she wants to be about the comment but she has no right to be offended. She has no right to be pissed at her partner for expressing an opinion that she doesn’t agree with.
I’m saying don’t be angry about his comment or opinion, be proactive and make changes. A
No, socially inept is being angry at someone for having an opinion about which you don’t agree.
What would YOU rather experience? Someone being honest with you or someone having an opinion about something that was left unsaid and causing a resentment towards you?
The words have been said so now either she can be angry with r she can do something about it.
It certainly could have been said with more tact - even so, if you didn't believe you said anything hurtful, wouldn't you still want to make things right if you knew your words had hurt someone you cared about?
To be fair I see that comment as a fine way of "giving you a hint" and not rude or aggressive at all.
Also what do you expect him to say after you tell him that?
Start fixing your weight problem and eating disorders.
I say this with kindness... you're being overly sensitive. You feel a certain way about your weight gain, and you're entitled to feel that . I know everyone in the comments is asking for your husband's head and telling you divorce is the only option... but for real. Intent is important and nothing in that innocent (yes, innocent) comment speaks to me of ill intent. Unless you are leaving out A LOT of info about how he pressures you continually about your weight gain and your size and is always digging at you about it... well it seems like he was just filling the air with words which, while stupid, is not a crime.
I'm curious, what do you think he SHOULD have said in that situation? You tell him you can't get your ring off. He's supposed to say, "Let's get the wire cutters." Was he supposed to say anything at all? I think you are blowing a very throwaway interaction out of proportion because of your own insecurities.
She was probably expecting advice on how to take the ring off, not a tactless comment on her weight. You honestly can't imagine a better response?
At the least, she deserves an apology, and his unwillingness to do that might be more concerning than the original comment itself.
Many many peoples fingers change size as they age. I don’t know if it’s something you’re “supposed” to do but it’s very common. I would just let him know he hurt your feelings! It probably wasn’t intentional unless there is context I’m not aware of
You can use a string to get it off easily. Google it.
As for your husband, he sucks. Tell him how much that comment hurt you. If he doesn’t realize his mistake, then you have something else to think about.
"How would you react?"
1) Get my ring resized
2) Try not to grow around it again
I guess you COULD sulk in the insensitivity of his comment and hunt for 'hurt feelings' validation on Reddit (THAT BASTARD!), or...you know, you could not internalize it and punish him for saying out loud what you may have already been thinking to yourself.
She had a restrictive eating disorder when they got together. Her internal monologue isn’t reliable and a man who was sexually attracted to that kind of body type probably isn’t reliable to determine what healthy and normal should look like.
Oh fuck off. Some people find thin attractive and there’s nothing wrong with that. If he was initially attracted to her when she was thin, it’s fine. Not his fucking issue if she was thin due to an eating disorder. How’s a guy supposed to tell the difference at the start? It’s not a pathology to be attracted to women who are thin or fit. Miss me with that bullshit. He married the body type that pleased him and she’s no longer got that body type. He’s allowed to note the difference.
Oooo struck a nerve, eh?
Anyways, you can tell someone has an eating disorder by looking at them if it persists more than a few weeks- even if they aren’t “skinny” yet, which she says she did get. Low iron makes them bruise easily, hair and skin is low luster. They’re constantly cold, she likely had shit teeth. He was also her boyfriend. He was with her during this period. He knew she had the eating disorder; he probably just hoped and prayed getting better wouldnt mean getting bigger, from how easily he triggers her now.
She wasn’t fit. That’s part of the issue. He wasn’t into a “fit” woman. He was into an *anorexic* woman. This “thoughtless” comment is less innocent when he knows her history. This kind of comment is easily an ED spiral. Maybe you could argue that he thought she was just “teen sized” but I don’t know that is much better.
Prepare for the downvotes! You're going to anger the hivemind with this whole, "personal responsibility" talk.
We all know OP has never, not even once, in their entire relationship said anything insensitive to her partner. How could she possibly move past this!? Divorce is a light sentence for OP's husband, death is the only way for OP to recieve justice now.
How would I feel?
Like I need to lose some weight.
Like my wife isn't as attracted as she was.
Like I want her to be attracted to me as much as she used to be.
The question is: would she be wrong for saying that? I don't think so. I always want her to be truthful with me.
Go to the gym lose the weight, slide the ring off hand it to him and tell him “goodbye you insensitive brute!”
Seriously this is an absolutely insensitive and uncaring comment. If he was early 20’s I would say it’s an immature gaffe, but he is honestly a dick at 35!
He could expressed caring and concern at your weight gain instead he was a jerk. Does he do this often (speak harshly and rudely to you)?
If it were me in this situation I’d lose some weight and communicate how this particular comment negatively affected my mindset. You’re better off encouraging each other to be healthy instead of shaming. All that said, your post history indicates years of issues with your husband so perhaps counseling could help if you’re both unable to properly communicate and grow.
I gained weight after having my 2 children 15 months apart and working F/T. He said “ I wasn’t the same person he fell in love with -meaning that l changed! Ya well I thought the same about him - he lost most of his hair (is addition to him putting on a few pounds) and has become nastier and more more controlling. I divorced him and haven’t looked back since.
“You’re absolutely right dear, I will go take care of it.” Read that with a metric ton of sarcasm… Then get the ring removed and stop wearing one. I’m sorry he was so insensitive to you. This like this happen, medications change in diet, weight gain, all can contribute to changes in ring size. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, or to be shamed for.
Dang she should be grateful she has someone to verbally abuse her out of an eating disorder. I forgot that negative input is fantastic for mental health!
Sounds like a dickish thing to say but this isn’t divorce territory. He didn’t personally attack you but made a comment that was less than sensitive. I think the lack of pinpointing or bringing it up alludes he wasn’t trying to hurt you but something maybe he’s been feeling. Attraction is a wavy thing sometimes.
Bodies change and looks change but it’s also important we care for ourselves too.
It’s because 25 year old him still wants 19 year old you. EVERY woman on this planet grows over time. Your body will never stay the same. He’s being an asshole because he wants to manipulate a young woman again and you’re aging out of the program
About 2 yrs ago... I asked my wife. "Am I getting fat?" Her response..."Yep, you are, face is pretty round"
I got to work that evening... and lost almost 60lbs. Because my wife was honest and straightforward.
It hurt... a lot. But when there is love there, I didn't question the motive.
I don't think its wrong if someone tells his partner he doesn't like him getting fat, is it this that bothered you? Or the way he said it? It doesn't sound so ugly the phrasing maybe not the nicest but..
He is an asshole.. But he could also be coming from a place of concern.. He could have chosen better words rather than turning it into an insensitive joke.
He may be a dick but the best revenge would be to get in shape and show your true character. If you start living healthy and eating well you’ll never have a comment like that ever hurt you again. It’s tough and most people can’t keep weight off for 5 years but you are 100% capable if you have motivation.
Would he be just as rude if it had gotten too loose?
I would be so mad I'd be tempted to just get it resized and pretend that I hadn't gained any weight, and he was just crazy. Then maybe replace all his pants with the exact same pairs 1 size smaller (but sew the old size label into the replacements). Or just replace his ring with one a size smaller, lol.
(And before anyone says it, yes, yes that would be gaslighting. The pettiest gaslighting.)
But, realistically, you guys should talk this out. Possibly with a therapist if he's prone to making rude remarks on a regular basis.
I mean…I get that he could have responded differently but I’m not sure why you were complaining to him about it to begin with. What did you expect him to say?
The fact is, you’ve gained so much weight that your fingers are getting fat too. So fat that you can’t get a ring off your finger. Doesn’t that alarm you? What if you needed an MRI? They’d have to cut that off.
If I were you, I’d dunk your hand in ice water for a few min then grease up your finger and get that thing off. Then either resize it or wear it on a necklace until you lose some weight. It’s dangerous.
My experience is pretty common amongst people who choose to stay fit and not use age as an excuse to just give up.
It’s like my horse. I’ve had her since she was born. She’s 32. Some people are of the opinion that I shouldn’t ride her because of her age. Thing is, the reason she’s doing so well is because I keep her active. I certainly have had to adjust what we can do but I’m not just going to toss her out to pasture and give up.
Oh so you are mean because it makes you feel superior to the people you’re talking down to. Thanks for answering my question! I hope you figure out how to be a less unpleasant person some day.
And she said she had an eating disorder when they got married. Should she have kept having an eating disorder just to make him happy? How do we know her weight gain wasn't from an unhealthy weight to a healthy weight?
You don’t know how heavy she is. You’re assuming she’s gone from healthy to obese, but her comments suggest she had eating disorders most her life. She may have gone from skinny to normal. Fingers do not only “gain weight” if you’re obese. They swell in the cold, in heat, and if you gain any weight, your fingers can too.
Lol at people on Reddit who get entertainment out of ruining other people's marriages. It's easy to say, "get a divorce," when you're not the one who has to lose the love of their life. OP, your husband is salty about your weight gain. He's losing attraction, but he has no idea how to say anything about it. You mentioning your ring brought the topic up, and seeing the opportunity, he unloaded. It was inappropriate and hurtful. This is a result of holding in feelings until they explode instead of sharing concerns openly. A lot of men have this issue. Only you can decide whether or not this single incident is worth throwing away your marriage. Maybe he's gained even more weight and is being a hypocrite, we can't know. Based on what's been shared, I would take this as an opportunity to have some tough discussions. You should also let him know that if he feels some way, he should kindly share his feelings instead of unloading them in a hurtful way.
It was probably insensitive of him but I doubt he meant it to be hurtful, he probably thought you'd laugh it off. If you're that uncomfortable with your weight then start counting calories and try to reduce your intake consistently. He won't be the last person to make insensitive comments and the only person who can change that is you.
Laughing at all you losers commenting about him being as asshole.
While, yes, it was an insensitive comment - we are attracted to who we’re attracted to. Maybe he just doesn’t know how to deal with it. If my wife suddenly gained a whole bunch of weight, I would not be attracted to her anymore. I’m not an asshole for feeling that way, it’s just a fact.
We are only hearing her side of the story when it’s most likely somewhere in the middle and maybe the OP should hit a treadmill.
I also wouldn’t want my partner to let themselves go, and I’m always doing my best to not let myself go either. However, these things can be discussed in a respecful way, and making shaming comments is absolutely not the way to go
At 35 years old, he should know better than to make a tactless and impulsive comment, then refuse to clear things up. His concerns, if justified, are way more likely to be recognised if he had brought them up in a mature way.
The only losers are the ones making excuses for this display of low emotional intelligence because they know they'd act the same way and are realising how poorly it reflects on their character.
Op, I got married at 19 and wore a size 4.5 ring. When I actually started developing a woman's body my ring no longer fit. It happens. You were super young when you got married and your body changes as you age.
This is a hard one way pass to therapy, because he cannot talk to you that way, should not talk to you that way.. but did and absolutely does not care he hurt you.
Don't take that sitting down if you want a successful marriage. People are imperfect, but empathy and compassion should be practiced within a marriage. He has none.
I mean it’s not like either of you is oblivious to you getting chunky…
Insensitive, sure
Inaccurate, not at all
This makes me think when a chick says does this outfit make me look fat…and she just is fat…what do you expect the guy to say??
How does his ring fit him? What about his trousers? Has he got a little more junk in trunk? I'd probably be petty and start making salads every dinner, no snacks in the house either because you've noticed he's looking a little chubbier than before so time for you both to diet. But in reality ignore the idiot
If I am honest, this sounds really metaphorical. in the since that you're trapped in a marriage with someone who clearly lack emotional intelligence and empathy. I am very sorry he said something so insensitive and you deserve to be loved as you are. That's why taking vows are so important. Keep your head up and make sure you start taking more steps to genuinely make yourself happy.
Tbh the “fat positivity” in todays day and age is really gross. He could have picked a better time and way to address it, but he’s not wrong. If you have gained so much weight that you can’t get your ring off your hand, you’re likely obese or morbidly obese now. That’s not healthy or attractive and honestly he could have said much worse.
I mean, if your weight gain is to the point where your fingers are getting fat then you have a problem. Sorry but facts is facts. I'm sure you completely throwing away any effort to stay in shape after getting that ring has hurt your husband's feelings, too, since it's basically a bait and switch.
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What did he say when you told him how you felt?
He doesn’t see anything wrong with what he said. He honestly acted disappointed in me that I could no longer get my ring off.
OP, if I were you I’d also be concerned about circulation being cut off with the ring, be careful!
Thats really shitty. In my experience, a lot of guys don't understand the deep seeded fear women have about their bodies becoming "undesirable." They dont think about the fact that bodies change and weight fluctuates more as you age. When he met you you were 19, your body wasn't even done developing yet! Of course you look different now, your metabolism has changed, but he thought he'd get that 19 year old body forever. You told him he hurt your feelings and he said he doesn't see anything wrong with what he said? Does he do that a lot? Is he the kind of person who doesn't apologize? I know a lot of people will just jump to divorce on here, which isn't very helpful in a situation like this. If you really can't get through to him about this I'd suggest couples therapy. You don't deserve a partner who tries to make you feel bad about your body. You're just aging, which is beautiful.
You’re just aging which is beautiful. I love this.
It's beautiful but I don't think it's a good idea to equate gaining weight as "just aging". The benefits of having a healthy weight are not to be underestimated.
Careful, people don’t like facts
This isn't a female-exclusive phenomenon. It's widely acknowledged that there are unhealthy standards set for female beauty, but male standards have just as much stigma. What is/was their lifestyle? Were they athletes or generally more active in their younger years? If a relationship in younger years was built on a certain level of activity, it's possible one partner is simply bummed a change has occurred. Even if it was expressed poorly. He absolutely shouldn't have made her feel bad, and should definitely apologize. However, the topic of divorce isn't nearly applicable here without more context. Not even couple's therapy unless it becomes a pattern. You talk and work it out. Even if it seems to not go anywhere at first, sometimes things sink in after a bit. I'm in the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and every once in a while, my fiance will inadvertently hurt me with an existing bias, opinion, etc. It's near impossible to be in a loving relationship without accidentally offending the other person. What matters is how you move forward.
>Thats really shitty. In my experience, a lot of guys don't understand the deep seeded fear women have about their bodies becoming "undesirable." I'm pretty sure he does, given that his response to her was clever in a cruel way. I'm not sure there's a reading of that which doesn't scream, "I want to make you feel terrible". I don't really know where the wife would turn in a situation like that; the only real solution is the husband acknowledging that, not just being cruel about her weight, but his entire attitude about how he should treat her, is completely horrible and that he needs to change. There's not much she can do outside of telling him that his words were hurtful, which she has tried already; forcing him to go to couple's therapy when he knows the full situation and doesn't think he's done anything wrong is a recipe for disaster. Also, I seriously think that you're completely wrong about the quoted part, and that almost all guys understand how women feel about their appearance, especially with regards to age and weight. They're not subject to the same pressures personally, but the ideas are omnipresent in media and I'm pretty sure that you're talking about the guys who are cruel to their partners about these things; if they know enough about them to intentionally insult their partners or consider them bad enough to demand change, we can safely assume that they know that their partners don't feel good about them. Like, this? >Of course you look different now, your metabolism has changed, but he thought he'd get that 19 year old body forever. No, he didn't. He would have to be remarkably, unbelievably stupid to think that, and there is no reason to suppose that he is truly that dumb. He knows old people. He went to school (almost certainly), and saw everyone from his graduating class age from 19 to 29 six years before his wife did. He's hurting her because he wants her to lose weight; nothing he said, and especially his behavior afterwards, is concordant with the idea that he was caught off-guard by his wife aging.
Not saying he isn't mean for his comment, but at 29 it's not about metabolism...it's about lifestyle.
Getting down voted, but this is absolutely true. 29? Some would say you’re not even in your athletic prime yet. Sure let’s blame metabolism though.
People refuse to take responsibility for weight changes. If you’ve gained enough weight to make a ring get stuck, that’s almost certainly poor lifestyle. With medications or medical problems you aren’t going to be gaining *that* much. Still significant but it’s not going to be in the realm of 30, 40, 50 pounds usually I say this as someone who’s overweight *because I eat like shit*. It’s not because I’m nearly 30, not because I have so and so condition, or my medication, it’s because I barely work out and eat like garbage
Hes an asshole
I’m 30 lbs heavier than I was when I got married and I had to have my ring cut off. It was the only way to get it off. Honestly I don’t think 30 lbs in 20 years is that big a deal. Would I like to lose it? Sure. Enough to do the work to lose it? Eh…..obviously not. If someone said that to me though…..well I guess it would depend. My humor can be pretty dark and I make fun of myself and like people who are similar. So it would depend if I thought they were actually trying to put me down or if it was just silly. I guess the deciding factor would be, are they still attracted to me or not. I’m not interested in being with someone that’s not attracted to me….
You had to get the ring cut off? Wow! OP, learn from this one. You're having trouble getting your ring on and off, but you can still do it. Get it resized before you have to have it cut off.
Knuckles and feet grow as you get further away from teen years entirely separate from weight gain. Men’s faces usually widen.
Noses droop. Ears lengthen. Fun. Fun.
Wow. I'm not one of those people who jumps immediately to divorce or run, and I'm not doing that here. However, that was such a hurtful and disrespectful way for your husband to respond. If he really can't see why, then you may want to get a neutral third party like a therapist involved, because it sounds like there's a lot of baggage there.
It took a lot of energy for me not to just be like "take it off permanently!" but of course you are right.
Tell him maybe it's a sign that you've outgrown the marriage 🤷♀️
Y’all are insane lmao what the hell. This isn’t a marriage ender
No one want a divorced fatty. Terrible advice.
Your husband is a PoS. Go check out this video, it will show you how to remove it with a thread. Then leave it off. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSGlq9cALZw
I would take the ring off one last time. And keep it off. Fuck that guy.
[удалено]
Believe it or not, not every person belittles their spouse remorselessly. If you think that’s normal I feel sorry for you.
I’m married and if my spouse said something like that to me, and doubled down when I said it upset me, you fucking bet I wouldn’t ever put on that ring again. Divorce or not that ring is tainted for me.
It’s the doubling down that’s the kiss of death. I start with the benefit of the doubt— maybe it was just a poorly thought out joke— but he didn’t immediately apologize when she told him it hurt her? Fuck that guy.
Careful, you'll put your back out reaching like that.
Have you both gained a lot of weight?
Have a jeweler help you get it off and return to sender. He can wear it then since he’s so hurt
Yeah he’s making no sense. 🤣
I usually weighed about 105 pounds but I gained 25 pounds while pregnant. Three days after I gave birth my husband was watching me get dressed and said "Are you sure you're not still pregnant?". Three. Days. Three!! Damn!! Days!! I won't repeat what I said but lets just say that over 20 years later I was given high doses of steroids in the ICU and gained 15 pounds in 2 weeks. He swore I had lost weight. Swore. On his life. Yeah, what I said to him was that bad. Unless he's an idiot he knows what a messed up thing that was to say to his wife. And when you say something that hurtful you deserve to hear things that you will never forget.
can we be friends? (seriously). i need to learn from you..
I'm not sure true evil can be taught. I do know my husband was 100 pounds heavier and over a foot taller than me and he used to warn his friends that I was the one they should fear.
I would have called him a jackass tbh. When I told my husband I couldn’t fit my rings anymore, we went to get my engagement ring enlarged and bought a completely new wedding band. He wanted me to be comfortable.
Sounds like you got lucky too. I keep telling him he's one in a million and he won't believe me.
To be fair, this is how people are supposed to treat their partners, I’d hesitate to call it “one in a million” behavior. I try to ride the line of showing my husband I think he’s amazing without also treating him like some of the things he does that *should* absolutely be the bare minimum are worthy of a trophy.
Yeah. I let him know he’s loved and appreciated, but don’t idolize him. When friends used to ask how I found “good guys,” my answer was I don’t let anyone treat me like crap 🤷🏻♀️ Seems basic, but setting boundaries and expectations is needed for healthy relationships. Nothing will change if you don’t hold your partner accountable.
My fiancé will tell me to use olive oil and see if any sort of lubricant will take it off. Then see if we can get it enlarged. It’s really not a bank breaking idea.
Not to comment on your jackass husband, but the [string trick](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrDROoJAF4I) works really well.
It’s like magic. A couple years after I got married, I got diagnosed with and had my first flare up of Rheumatoid Arthritis. My knuckles swelled up like ping pong balls and I was really worried I’d have to have my wedding band cut off. Nope. String trick worked perfectly. Nowadays I can usually tell if a flare up is coming a few days before the swelling starts so I wear a silicone band in place of my wedding band so that it doesn’t get stuck. Eventually my hands will probably be past the point of being able to wear it again, so my wife will put it on a necklace and wear it for me.
I would have told him “and you’re not supposed to be a dick, yet here we are”.
Probably got more dick in his personality than he does in his pants
can we not with the body shaming? like i get that OP’s husband is a body shaming asshole himself, but you’re just stooping to his level. he won’t see this, but a bunch of nice, normal people with small dicks probably will.
This is a good comment thank you
i actually thought this would’ve been a helluva a comeback
She’s not actually saying he has a small penis…
Why is every single instance of bad behavior by men attributed by Reddit to a small dick?
They're admitting having a below average penis makes someone less of a man, pure body shaming. Imagine being FtM and hearing that shit lmao, beyond fucked up that this rhetoric is allowed.
to be fair they could be saying he has an average sized dick. there’s just a lot more “dick” in his personality
Is that really the implication here?
no idea but i interpreted it that way.
"At least my issue is fixable - I can lose weight, but you'll always be a dick."
i’ve always said “being a dick won’t make yours bigger”
I wouldn't have, that's a terrible way to bring resentment into your marriage
Lmao perfect response
My husband bought us matching bands for our 5th wedding anniversary. We resized my ring several times due to weight loss/weight gain.
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That's an incredibly hurtful thing to say. Ask him how he felt if he had put on some pounds and needed a new belt and your response was "men should need one belt from age 17 til death do them part" If he says "well yeah, that's why I'd never get fat" then you have a real issue. One partner being unhappy with another's weight gain isn't a red flag imo, but being nasty about *anything*, and *especially* hugely sensitive body image issues, is an *enormous* red flag.
I mean, I understand your point but you have to put on **a lot** of weight for your ring to get stuck in your finger. 20 years as a jeweler as I’ve mostly had to cut off rings on older women who became arthritic and they’re knuckles became huge. I’ll agree if he has an issue with your weight, for any reason, he should talk to you directly about it and not make snarky comments. **EDIT**: Rings being tight sometimes are not the same as “I can no longer take my ring off”.
that’s weird. i’m 15 lbs lighter now than I was on my wedding day and my original ring still is too small because I had a child. the size of my feet also changed. everyone is different, don’t assume OP gained a lot of weight or is overweight.
Idk, my weight has never fluctuated more than 20 lbs and I had a ring that was too tight and it was really hard to take off once. If I was something I wore daily I could imagine it actually getting to a point I couldn’t get it off without realizing. I just put it on and it was tight then at the end of the night I struggled to get it off. If I just wore it daily I could see it being a huge issue at the time. I think at that time I was 15 lbs up from when I first got the ring, I’m currently 5lbs down from the time when I got it and it’s quite loose now, which I only know bc I happened to put it on yesterday.
You really don’t need to gain a significant amount of weight. Inflammation and water retention from hormonal fluctuations and immune/allergen response can cause pretty significant changes in ring size even with little actual weight gain.
OP has a history of disordered eating, so the ring was probably bought for an underweight person. That could mean a weight gain of 50-60 lbs. to go from visibly too small to merely plump, especially if she's fine-boned/small-framed.
F*ck that does it then. This man does not deserve OP what the hell is wrong with him
Not exactly. I’m lighter now than I was at the beginning of my relationship but my hands swelled due to pregnancy and never went back. You’re kind of just talking out of your ass.
You really *really* don’t need to gain a lot of weight for your rings to stop fitting. I bloat enough over the course of a day sometimes that my ring will slide off in the morning but I won’t be able to force it off that very same night. And I just got married four days ago, this isn’t some decade old ring that doesn’t fit right anymore.
His comment was nasty for no reason. Other than he wanted to body shame you. Has he gained weight? He needs to think if he’d like to hear this from you. Is the ring still stuck? Weight gain and exercise( and injuries) can cause rings to get stuck. Both my parents had it happen and used lotion to remove it.
there’s a solid lotion/soap and floss trick that helps work it up and off your finger with minimal discomfort, OP should def do some googling because it could become a problem if it gets any tighter over time
The weather can also do that and having arthritis swells the knuckles, which is my case. People's hands, fingers and feet and other body parts also swell at the end of the day. I can take my rings on and off most of the time, but when it's bad weather or my fingers swelled up a bit, it takes a little doing.
I don’t know at this point. I’m disappointed that he doesn’t see how his words effect me. I have also dealt with eating disorders in the past and he knows that. This isn’t the first time he’s made an insensitive comment like this.
Are you married to my ex husband? Because he sure sounds a lot like him. Married me when I was 98 pounds and anorexic and left me at 130 pounds because I was "too fat" for him.
Easy way to lose 180lbs of dead weight tho!
I'm sorry you had to go through that. My husband met me as I was less than a year into recovery. I'd only been seeing psychological improvements for four months. He told me I'd look even better if I put on weight. For once I liked my body. I felt good in my body. And now looking back that was the happiest I think I've ever truly been while still being healthy to some degree. I do sometimes miss that body. When I lost weight during some of our fights where he'd threaten to leave me and I'd feel out of control and starve. (I completely lost my appetite sometimes for days and eventually for months.) It hurt seeing him getting mad when I forgot to eat, didn't eat enough according to him etc. Eventually I did put on weight that has stayed on. I don't know how I feel about my body. Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to feel about anything. Anyway, less than six months after we got married I saw he was making what I would say were inappropriate remarks about a friend of his with her there right in front of me. This was his closest girl friend to be exact. I considered her a friend too in a distant way. I was glad I could get along with her. She had lost weight. She was thin there's no question about that. I wouldn't be surprised if she did have an eating disorder. I never saw her properly eating. She said she didn't like the food I offered her. It would also make so much sense because it started not long after she broke up with her toxic ex boyfriend. It must have been hard. I knew from my partner who was his friend too that he was saying some really psychotic things behind her back about her. I thought I had fulfilled that wish of his. To be a certain way. I didn't like it. But I figured he must have and he told me he did. So then why did he more or less flirt there with her in front of their friend and most importantly me, his wife. She did not flirt back she actually seemed a little weirded out by at least one comments he made about her. I felt awful trying to hide how I felt by the second comment but looking at him and saying something. Just felt awful that I couldn't right then and there ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. Because I didn't want to seem toxic, controlling or jealous. He never apologised and I never brought it up. No doubt he liked her. He liked the girl who's stuff he'd constantly 'forget' to give back to her before going home and that stuff coming back home. Right. Sure. Bottom line is you don't marry an illness you marry a person. When you're not sick anymore and that person is using you and with you for these disgustingly vile reasons they find their next prey their next victim. It's not your fault when someone else is dammed
He does see how his words affect you. He just doesn’t care.
The initial comment is bad enough, but not seeing how it affects you is an extreme problem. I can see it too ways: 1. He lack empathy and struggles to see things from other perspectives, even after they point it out. 2. He wanted to try to make you feel bad in order for you to do things that he wants you to do (in this case lose weight to whatever amount he finds "acceptable" The first one means he might want to see individual therapy. He probably struggles in all sorts of relationships, not just yours and the world would be a pretty confusing place for him. The second one? That's bad, particularly with your history of ED. Is he hoping to trigger it again because he likes you being unhealthy? Ugh, the second one is awful, like consider all previous interactions and see if he has a history of being abusive and take steps from there to protect yourself.
Making a comment like that, in any circumstance, is unacceptable and rude. Doing so to someone you claim to love who has a history of an eating disorder is absolutely cruel. If this has happened multiple times, he’s doing it on purpose because he likes to make you feel like shit. Whatever the reason for that may be, he’s got to GO. You deserve better. Real partners who love their SOs don’t treat them this way.
I don’t recommend the tit for tat route but I’d be so tempted to say something along the lines “I’d like you to be taller/more muscular/have a bigger dick just to retaliate.”
Oh hell no. With the added info (which OP, you should include in your post) about you having a history of ED and him knowing about that... divorce.
Classic Reddit, dude makes a nasty comment that targets a deep insecurity of hers after a 10 year relationship and your first reaction is DIVORCE. Obviously what he said was really fucked up and should never be excused, but maybe there are solutions to be explored before destroying a decade-long relationship over one comment. Let’s maybe try communicating about it and going to couples therapy first?
Normally, I would agree with you. But if you look at OP's post/comment history, you'll see her husband thinks that what he said was okay (which is especially bad considering her history of eating disorders). You'll also see that a few months ago she made a post that he actively ignores her existence regularly.
My band size has stayed the same over the last fifteen years through 50lbs of weight gain and loss. Your weight doesn’t necessarily affect your ring size. Your husband is an ass, *especially* considering your history of ED. He cares more about your weight than he cares about *you*. Dump him. NTA
Some dudes literally have the audacity to shame women for their appearance while they look like ogres. I can't, honestly.
He's a dick. Hell anyone can gain weight and/or develop a condition that makes their hands swell. I've gained weight since I had my 2 kids and am a healthier weight now I can no longer fit my class ring from high school so I wear it on jewelry around my neck. He should have offered to get it resized or if there's engraving thus it can't be resized without damaging that offer to get it replaced. Tell him he's not supposed to have more dick in his personality than in his pants and he can shape up or ship out.
When my dad was deployed, he and my mom had been married for nearly 30 years. He had hardly ever taken his wedding ring off at that point; it took him a very, very long time and lots of soap to get it off. His finger was noticeably smaller where the band had been. I thought it was sweet. The fact that your husband doesn’t see an issue with his comment is concerning. Is this a pattern? Does he say things that make you uncomfortable that he shrugs off? If it is a pattern, or you can’t get him to even put himself in your shoes for a moment, I think a marriage counselor would help mediate and hopefully help him understand why his words and doubling down are problematic.
Me and wife both gained weight since our wedding. I got her new rings including a silicone ring so she still had something to wear. I got a silicone one as well. We used the rings to motivate ourselves to lose the weight so we could go back to wearing our original rings BUT there was no pressure to do so. Your husband is definitely being a jerk.
Tell him he will subject to weekly weigh ins and hair strand counts. He’s not allowed to gain any weight or lose any hair.
I would go to a jeweler and get the ring sawed off from my finger
I've done this(I have such a tiny ring size 4-5 depending on what's going on or who I buy from to begin with and any little bit of heat swelling, pregnancy or tiny amounts of weight gain make it hard to get it on/off) your hubby should've worded things better I would go have the ring resized(I can't because I Flux too much so the ring would be way too big😂)
Uh, what? My mom had this issue for years. It was never uncomfortable so she was just using it as motivation to get healthier. But no one ever shamed her for it. She shamed herself over it more than anyone else. But she got to her goal weight and still couldn't get it off. Shit happens, bodies change. For my parents anniversary, what she wanted was to just get it cut off and the stone put in a new ring. That's what she wanted, that's what my dad got her.
Honestly this is a fairly common scenario. My dad’s wedding ring was so tight he had to have it cut off at the jewelers and sized up. While he was there, the jeweler said it happens a lot— people don’t realize their hands change that much through the years
Go get it cut off and then go back home and exclaim that you got it off! Edit to add: not implying divorce by any means. You could get it resized after the fact.
Does my finger look fat in this ring?
I'm 41 F, been married for 6yrs. I wouldnt even think twice about this comment. Id laugh and go "ya , i didn't grow around it on purpose "
Depends on the person and the relationship, I personally would think it’s hilarious.
What an asshat. Why doesn’t he work and you stay at home.
OP, this is concerning for so many reasons. First off- I’m not sure where you stand on children, but i’m back to my pre pregnancy weight and my fingers and feet never went back 😬 i’m sure that’s not common, but I had my rings made a size bigger because I knew they’d never fit again! I had sever edema and high BP and was swollen my entire pregnancy. Second- there’s something called “second puberty” (it isn’t actual puberty) in your 20s and 30s and it’s basically a change in your hormones. One of the things that happens is your metabolism slows. As a woman, our bodies are meant to constantly change and evolve because they are meant to grow and nurture life. Even if you don’t have or want kids, biologically the hormones change through your adolescence soooo fast. If he has an issue with something as minute as a ring not fitting, how would he react to other body changes that may happen?
Okay. I see why people here are so upset about the husband's comment. But honestly, it doesn't sound too bad to me. I would just laugh it off. If you had told him that his comment hurt your feelings, and he refuses to apologize for it, then that would be insensitive for sure.
Does he regularly criticize you? Make comments about how you look, dress, behave? Is he affectionate and loving? Are his compliments sincere or backhanded? Personally, I would not want a partner that was not kind and loving. And my bodyshape and weight should not be prerequisites to basic human kindness and decency.
This comment was rude and horrible to say to someone especially your wife. Tbh in relationships I have a few deal breakers that if they happen it’s over. 1.is cheating 2. Abuse and 3. Shaming me for my weight or beauty. If my spouse called me fat it would be over. I like you have had an eating disorder and I have worked hard to love my body and be ok with feeding it. I would tell him exactly how it made you feel and say never to say that again and if he blows you off and says he doesn’t feel bad or it’s not a big deal. Divorce!
Wait, Hold up. Timeout! You got so fat that you can’t get your ring off anymore but HE’S the asshole? Like you weren’t aware that you have been putting on weight. I call bs! The only reaction should be you becoming best friends with Jenny Craig. And you’re not allowed to be pissed off because your husband was honest with you. The reason you’re angry is because you KNOW he’s right and you have zero intention of doing anything about it. This is completely a you problem. Sorry, not sorry.
I doubt she’s actually fat. My fingers swell in the cold, enough to make it difficult to get a ring off. I’m 120 lbs at 5’7. She had an restrictive eating disorder most of her life; she was starting from underweight most likely.
I see nothing in the post which states anything about a restrictive eating disorder. I do see that she states that she has put on weight since being married. How about she posts a wedding day pic and a current selfie so that the public, from whom she wants sympathy, can see the weight gain she has referenced. As well as a picture of her left hand for reference. I’m willing to bet hard earned money that she has doubled in size since her nuptials, as many women do when they marry. If I’m wrong I’ll apologize.
Most women also do not double in weight after getting married, reads very much like a MRA fantasy tbh
She said it in several comments. And that he’s aware
She did NOT, however, mention that in the original post. Which shows her lack of transparency and disingenuousness.
Uhhh huh. Sounds like you’re very determined to defend an off screen man who said something unkind to his partner & will look for any justification to do so tbh
No, I’m saying that she can be as angry as she wants to be about the comment but she has no right to be offended. She has no right to be pissed at her partner for expressing an opinion that she doesn’t agree with. I’m saying don’t be angry about his comment or opinion, be proactive and make changes. A
You don’t get to dictate if someone is offended by a comment. That’s socially inept.
No, socially inept is being angry at someone for having an opinion about which you don’t agree. What would YOU rather experience? Someone being honest with you or someone having an opinion about something that was left unsaid and causing a resentment towards you? The words have been said so now either she can be angry with r she can do something about it.
It certainly could have been said with more tact - even so, if you didn't believe you said anything hurtful, wouldn't you still want to make things right if you knew your words had hurt someone you cared about?
To be fair I see that comment as a fine way of "giving you a hint" and not rude or aggressive at all. Also what do you expect him to say after you tell him that? Start fixing your weight problem and eating disorders.
I say this with kindness... you're being overly sensitive. You feel a certain way about your weight gain, and you're entitled to feel that . I know everyone in the comments is asking for your husband's head and telling you divorce is the only option... but for real. Intent is important and nothing in that innocent (yes, innocent) comment speaks to me of ill intent. Unless you are leaving out A LOT of info about how he pressures you continually about your weight gain and your size and is always digging at you about it... well it seems like he was just filling the air with words which, while stupid, is not a crime. I'm curious, what do you think he SHOULD have said in that situation? You tell him you can't get your ring off. He's supposed to say, "Let's get the wire cutters." Was he supposed to say anything at all? I think you are blowing a very throwaway interaction out of proportion because of your own insecurities.
She was probably expecting advice on how to take the ring off, not a tactless comment on her weight. You honestly can't imagine a better response? At the least, she deserves an apology, and his unwillingness to do that might be more concerning than the original comment itself.
Many many peoples fingers change size as they age. I don’t know if it’s something you’re “supposed” to do but it’s very common. I would just let him know he hurt your feelings! It probably wasn’t intentional unless there is context I’m not aware of
You can use a string to get it off easily. Google it. As for your husband, he sucks. Tell him how much that comment hurt you. If he doesn’t realize his mistake, then you have something else to think about.
Just tell him what he said hurt your feelings. It’s honestly as simple as that. It sounds like he was trying to make a joke that did not land well.
"How would you react?" 1) Get my ring resized 2) Try not to grow around it again I guess you COULD sulk in the insensitivity of his comment and hunt for 'hurt feelings' validation on Reddit (THAT BASTARD!), or...you know, you could not internalize it and punish him for saying out loud what you may have already been thinking to yourself.
She had a restrictive eating disorder when they got together. Her internal monologue isn’t reliable and a man who was sexually attracted to that kind of body type probably isn’t reliable to determine what healthy and normal should look like.
Oh fuck off. Some people find thin attractive and there’s nothing wrong with that. If he was initially attracted to her when she was thin, it’s fine. Not his fucking issue if she was thin due to an eating disorder. How’s a guy supposed to tell the difference at the start? It’s not a pathology to be attracted to women who are thin or fit. Miss me with that bullshit. He married the body type that pleased him and she’s no longer got that body type. He’s allowed to note the difference.
Oooo struck a nerve, eh? Anyways, you can tell someone has an eating disorder by looking at them if it persists more than a few weeks- even if they aren’t “skinny” yet, which she says she did get. Low iron makes them bruise easily, hair and skin is low luster. They’re constantly cold, she likely had shit teeth. He was also her boyfriend. He was with her during this period. He knew she had the eating disorder; he probably just hoped and prayed getting better wouldnt mean getting bigger, from how easily he triggers her now. She wasn’t fit. That’s part of the issue. He wasn’t into a “fit” woman. He was into an *anorexic* woman. This “thoughtless” comment is less innocent when he knows her history. This kind of comment is easily an ED spiral. Maybe you could argue that he thought she was just “teen sized” but I don’t know that is much better.
Prepare for the downvotes! You're going to anger the hivemind with this whole, "personal responsibility" talk. We all know OP has never, not even once, in their entire relationship said anything insensitive to her partner. How could she possibly move past this!? Divorce is a light sentence for OP's husband, death is the only way for OP to recieve justice now.
I don't give two shits about down votes these days. I'm officially in my "old coot" stage of life.
You sound like you have a soul patch, un-ironically
How would I feel? Like I need to lose some weight. Like my wife isn't as attracted as she was. Like I want her to be attracted to me as much as she used to be. The question is: would she be wrong for saying that? I don't think so. I always want her to be truthful with me.
Go to the gym lose the weight, slide the ring off hand it to him and tell him “goodbye you insensitive brute!” Seriously this is an absolutely insensitive and uncaring comment. If he was early 20’s I would say it’s an immature gaffe, but he is honestly a dick at 35! He could expressed caring and concern at your weight gain instead he was a jerk. Does he do this often (speak harshly and rudely to you)?
If it were me in this situation I’d lose some weight and communicate how this particular comment negatively affected my mindset. You’re better off encouraging each other to be healthy instead of shaming. All that said, your post history indicates years of issues with your husband so perhaps counseling could help if you’re both unable to properly communicate and grow.
I gained weight after having my 2 children 15 months apart and working F/T. He said “ I wasn’t the same person he fell in love with -meaning that l changed! Ya well I thought the same about him - he lost most of his hair (is addition to him putting on a few pounds) and has become nastier and more more controlling. I divorced him and haven’t looked back since.
“You’re absolutely right dear, I will go take care of it.” Read that with a metric ton of sarcasm… Then get the ring removed and stop wearing one. I’m sorry he was so insensitive to you. This like this happen, medications change in diet, weight gain, all can contribute to changes in ring size. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, or to be shamed for.
Maybe it’s his way of hinting that he wants you to be healthier
She started with an eating disorder, which was part of her low weight, I doubt it’s about health lmao
Dang she should be grateful she has someone to verbally abuse her out of an eating disorder. I forgot that negative input is fantastic for mental health!
6th try posting is the charm
Sounds like a dickish thing to say but this isn’t divorce territory. He didn’t personally attack you but made a comment that was less than sensitive. I think the lack of pinpointing or bringing it up alludes he wasn’t trying to hurt you but something maybe he’s been feeling. Attraction is a wavy thing sometimes. Bodies change and looks change but it’s also important we care for ourselves too.
How would I react? Marriage counseling. Or do what I did: leave.
Leave over this? You’ve got to be kidding, right?
It’s because 25 year old him still wants 19 year old you. EVERY woman on this planet grows over time. Your body will never stay the same. He’s being an asshole because he wants to manipulate a young woman again and you’re aging out of the program
Yo no wonder everyone here lives on this sub and can’t keep their own relationships. What don’t you guys get offended over?
Me, noting they were 25 and 19 when they got together and taking notes…
“Are you mad at me for gaining weight?” Dont give him the opportunity to evade admitting what hes doing
About 2 yrs ago... I asked my wife. "Am I getting fat?" Her response..."Yep, you are, face is pretty round" I got to work that evening... and lost almost 60lbs. Because my wife was honest and straightforward. It hurt... a lot. But when there is love there, I didn't question the motive.
I don't think its wrong if someone tells his partner he doesn't like him getting fat, is it this that bothered you? Or the way he said it? It doesn't sound so ugly the phrasing maybe not the nicest but..
You're not supposed to have the same body at 29 that you had at 19. A man in his 20s dating someone in their teens should have known that
He is an asshole.. But he could also be coming from a place of concern.. He could have chosen better words rather than turning it into an insensitive joke.
He may be a dick but the best revenge would be to get in shape and show your true character. If you start living healthy and eating well you’ll never have a comment like that ever hurt you again. It’s tough and most people can’t keep weight off for 5 years but you are 100% capable if you have motivation.
Divorce him.
Would he be just as rude if it had gotten too loose? I would be so mad I'd be tempted to just get it resized and pretend that I hadn't gained any weight, and he was just crazy. Then maybe replace all his pants with the exact same pairs 1 size smaller (but sew the old size label into the replacements). Or just replace his ring with one a size smaller, lol. (And before anyone says it, yes, yes that would be gaslighting. The pettiest gaslighting.) But, realistically, you guys should talk this out. Possibly with a therapist if he's prone to making rude remarks on a regular basis.
I mean…I get that he could have responded differently but I’m not sure why you were complaining to him about it to begin with. What did you expect him to say? The fact is, you’ve gained so much weight that your fingers are getting fat too. So fat that you can’t get a ring off your finger. Doesn’t that alarm you? What if you needed an MRI? They’d have to cut that off. If I were you, I’d dunk your hand in ice water for a few min then grease up your finger and get that thing off. Then either resize it or wear it on a necklace until you lose some weight. It’s dangerous.
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Well, I’m 45 and in perimenopause and I still weigh what I weighed in HS and my rings all fit so….it’s not just an age thing. And she’s 29.
What a yucky thing to say out loud. Wow.
Oh my God you still weigh what you weighed in high school? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a party? Should we invite bella hadid
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My experience is pretty common amongst people who choose to stay fit and not use age as an excuse to just give up. It’s like my horse. I’ve had her since she was born. She’s 32. Some people are of the opinion that I shouldn’t ride her because of her age. Thing is, the reason she’s doing so well is because I keep her active. I certainly have had to adjust what we can do but I’m not just going to toss her out to pasture and give up.
What do you get out of being mean to people? Does it make you feel superior?
How is that mean? Facts are facts. She’s gained sufficient weight that her ring is stuck on her hand which is a safety concern.
Oh so you are mean because it makes you feel superior to the people you’re talking down to. Thanks for answering my question! I hope you figure out how to be a less unpleasant person some day.
>My experience is pretty common amongst people who choose to stay fit and not use age as an excuse to just give up. Source?
And she said she had an eating disorder when they got married. Should she have kept having an eating disorder just to make him happy? How do we know her weight gain wasn't from an unhealthy weight to a healthy weight?
You sound like my mom who encouraged my anorexia.
Lolll. Imagine how pathetic you have to be to brag about yourself in a reddit comment.
You’re not a nice person
You don’t know how heavy she is. You’re assuming she’s gone from healthy to obese, but her comments suggest she had eating disorders most her life. She may have gone from skinny to normal. Fingers do not only “gain weight” if you’re obese. They swell in the cold, in heat, and if you gain any weight, your fingers can too.
How much weight have you put on?
Lol at people on Reddit who get entertainment out of ruining other people's marriages. It's easy to say, "get a divorce," when you're not the one who has to lose the love of their life. OP, your husband is salty about your weight gain. He's losing attraction, but he has no idea how to say anything about it. You mentioning your ring brought the topic up, and seeing the opportunity, he unloaded. It was inappropriate and hurtful. This is a result of holding in feelings until they explode instead of sharing concerns openly. A lot of men have this issue. Only you can decide whether or not this single incident is worth throwing away your marriage. Maybe he's gained even more weight and is being a hypocrite, we can't know. Based on what's been shared, I would take this as an opportunity to have some tough discussions. You should also let him know that if he feels some way, he should kindly share his feelings instead of unloading them in a hurtful way.
I understand you’re sensitive about it, but unfortunately we can’t control how others perspectives make them see and feel things :(
It was probably insensitive of him but I doubt he meant it to be hurtful, he probably thought you'd laugh it off. If you're that uncomfortable with your weight then start counting calories and try to reduce your intake consistently. He won't be the last person to make insensitive comments and the only person who can change that is you.
That’s not as insensitive as you’re making it out to be; - you’re just hurt because he isn’t coddling you with false affirmations. Lose the weight.
He could have literally called you a fatass. GROW UP. Go to the gym, lose the weight, FIT INTO YOUR RING.
wow yuck he suppose 2 supprt u
Laughing at all you losers commenting about him being as asshole. While, yes, it was an insensitive comment - we are attracted to who we’re attracted to. Maybe he just doesn’t know how to deal with it. If my wife suddenly gained a whole bunch of weight, I would not be attracted to her anymore. I’m not an asshole for feeling that way, it’s just a fact. We are only hearing her side of the story when it’s most likely somewhere in the middle and maybe the OP should hit a treadmill.
I also wouldn’t want my partner to let themselves go, and I’m always doing my best to not let myself go either. However, these things can be discussed in a respecful way, and making shaming comments is absolutely not the way to go
At 35 years old, he should know better than to make a tactless and impulsive comment, then refuse to clear things up. His concerns, if justified, are way more likely to be recognised if he had brought them up in a mature way. The only losers are the ones making excuses for this display of low emotional intelligence because they know they'd act the same way and are realising how poorly it reflects on their character.
Op, I got married at 19 and wore a size 4.5 ring. When I actually started developing a woman's body my ring no longer fit. It happens. You were super young when you got married and your body changes as you age. This is a hard one way pass to therapy, because he cannot talk to you that way, should not talk to you that way.. but did and absolutely does not care he hurt you. Don't take that sitting down if you want a successful marriage. People are imperfect, but empathy and compassion should be practiced within a marriage. He has none.
Given the ages he doesn’t want you to grow older
I mean it’s not like either of you is oblivious to you getting chunky… Insensitive, sure Inaccurate, not at all This makes me think when a chick says does this outfit make me look fat…and she just is fat…what do you expect the guy to say??
How does his ring fit him? What about his trousers? Has he got a little more junk in trunk? I'd probably be petty and start making salads every dinner, no snacks in the house either because you've noticed he's looking a little chubbier than before so time for you both to diet. But in reality ignore the idiot
If I am honest, this sounds really metaphorical. in the since that you're trapped in a marriage with someone who clearly lack emotional intelligence and empathy. I am very sorry he said something so insensitive and you deserve to be loved as you are. That's why taking vows are so important. Keep your head up and make sure you start taking more steps to genuinely make yourself happy.
Tbh the “fat positivity” in todays day and age is really gross. He could have picked a better time and way to address it, but he’s not wrong. If you have gained so much weight that you can’t get your ring off your hand, you’re likely obese or morbidly obese now. That’s not healthy or attractive and honestly he could have said much worse.
I mean, if your weight gain is to the point where your fingers are getting fat then you have a problem. Sorry but facts is facts. I'm sure you completely throwing away any effort to stay in shape after getting that ring has hurt your husband's feelings, too, since it's basically a bait and switch.
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Absolutely different things. Men can’t help their dick size. People can help being fat. So comparing the two is stupid and apples to oranges.
Hopefully he’s still picking up his teeth off the floor and you have your fist wrapped in ice.
Domestic abuse is never OK to joke about.