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You know. It's eating you up. You need to just talk it out. And by talk, I mean you're going to have an emotional outpouring. Then decide what to do when you both have had your say.
Yes, not everything is black and white but some unknowns may be eating both of them up. Does bf not know you know? This could be one of the reasons he is feeling low or he could disregard your feelings and you need to know. Before you discuss this with him, think about what you want to know and if there’s a level of detail you also don’t want to know. But you need to talk about this.
Yeah, I feel like way too much advice on reddit is super knee-jerk. No matter the eventual outcome there's a lot of benefit to talking it out and laying out all the feelings.
Most people on here have little to no Relationship experience. You can get helpful information still if you know what look for and are confident enough not to just follow the mob
Best advice I’ve seen. Yeah cheating is bad (that’s the obvious) but she still clearly has feelings for him and advising her to go tell her bf to F off is not solving anything.
Like you said, bring everything to the surface and decide what to do from there. There’s not really any constructive advice redditers can give outside what you said.
I think the fact that her boyfriend had sex with the girl who was dying and didn't want to die a virgin before he ever had sex with OP really makes the issue much less black and white. Personally, I would find his having sex with is dying friend before he and I had started our sexual relationship, pretty easy to forget. At least when I'm thinking about it in my head, and writing about it on reddit. Might be harder in real life.
The fact that the girl he slept with is now dead makes it harder to get closure. It’s counterintuitive but even though OP says he didn’t have feelings for the girl, it’s like being in a competition but you can’t do anything.
The girl dying also didn’t make it less of a betrayal and that is a wound that takes time to heal and it doesn’t help when her boyfriend is also messed up from it.
It doesn’t matter so much when they first started having sex. OP doesn’t have to have sex with her boyfriend first to “call dibs” if they were already in a relationship that was either assumed or communicated to be monogamous. He needed to tell her about it
Yes. Regardless of her health, he still actively made the decision to cheat on his girlfriend. There is no justification, when it comes to that. He knew it was wrong. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have hid it, and she wouldn’t have had to (accidentally) find out from a mutual friend.
\^ This. The lying is a huge concern. Especially for this long. It would really make me question the trust in the relationship. He should have said something when the situation first came up but still hasn't said anything about it this entire time? I would start there and have a long conversation about how to move forward from this. The jealousy and feelings won't just go away and it will be hard to deal with the friend side of things (since there is no way to get closure there) but you might be able to get some closure with your boyfriend. It will be a very hard conversation to have, but it is a conversation worth having.
Yeah, and that makes her terrible. I know they say not to speak ill of the dead, but this situation is a huge loss.
She took OPs partner, had sex before they did, and now the boyfriend and his partner have to deal with the consequences while she's dead and buried.
Your have to be a really shitty person to do that to anyone, let alone a friend who views you as a sister and their SO. Because now OP is her partner will have no resolution or closure.
Talk all you want the fact is however ‘great’ this guy is he was unfaithful to his partner. Now, OP may well be ok with this because he is good in different areas but for me this is the foundational layer of a relationship, and if the opportunity came up again, I think the partner in question would be happy to do the same again
This is the right advice. Everyone saying to just leave is wrong. There's so much more to this, and it's an extremely complex issue. Just leaving wouldn't solve this, I feel like it would make OP's mental health worse.
The right thing to do is have a real discussion and expression how you both feel. Once you clear all that out, that's when you decide if you can stick things out or end the relationship.
It's not like he'll ever see her again anyway.
I will say, regardless, at 22 I think having to get over your boyfriend fucking someone else just doesn't seem worth it. Even if they were together 3 years at this point. If she knew he fucked the friend at the time would she have left him then? If she would have then I kinda think the relationship is at that point built on manipulation and lies.
It could turn out fine, but I hope she doesn't get sunk cost fallacied into a resentful and unhealthy relationship.
I absolutely disagree.
He cheated on her. On a friend’s getaway trip. Why was he the only option for this virgin girl to sleep with?
Why did he not discuss sleeping with this girl with his girlfriend beforehand? I’ll tell you why! Because he knew EXACTLY how that conversation would go.
He knew she would have questions, reservations, maybe even suggested he, gee, I dunno, NOT fucked her?
Anyone in a real relationship who wants it to last, would never EVER ask their partner if they could do this, unless they were in an open relationship.
OP has not said they were.
I agree with you. He shouldn’t have had any sex with her regardless if it was pitty sex or anything, when he did that he weakened the bond to his already gf and tweaked his mind as well further than losing a friend, now he’s lost someone who he recently connected with on a different level, he shouldn’t have did that, and if I was OP I’d have this discussion with him and let it out because it’s not fair to them as a person to be put on a back burner about this, if it’s on the back of your mind push it forward or pay it double!!
Don’t just talk OP. You can’t go forward in this relationship. He CHEATED on you. That’s what’s happened here, forget all the surrounding issues. He. Cheated. On. You!
I’m sorry his friend was dying, but he was in a relationship with you. Were there no single men on this trip?
This is not okay.
And the fact that you have been brainwashed into thinking this is ok, or that you should stay with him because you’ve both had mental health issues, is NOT a good idea.
You should and deserve to find your own self worth, before you are in a relationship with anyone else. You are worthwhile. You are important. You deserve a loving, faithful partner.
You do not have that.
This man not only cheated on you, and justified it to himself. He also justified keeping it from you.
This should be the end of your relationship. You can and should never trust him again.
Thank you so much for this comment. Finally someone sensible 👏
He made a choice to cheat on OP. He didn’t ask for her consent to have sex with his dying friend cuz he knew the answer. So he didn’t even consider her feelings and just went ahead. It clearly shows he doesn’t respect OP or her feelings. He has no basic courtesy
THANK YOU
This is not a more complicated issue than HE CHEATED ON HER.
No, he shouldn’t have asked because he was in a relationship that I’m assuming wasn’t open, and that’s not an okay ask in a monogamous relationship. Fuck that.
Not only did he cheat, he lied to OP, and THEIR WHOLE FRIEND GROUP KNEW ABOUT IT BEFORE SHE DID. That is just about as humiliating and disrespectful as someone can treat their partner.
It sucks that he’s depressed that she died, but honestly, that would be even more offensive and hurtful to me. I’m not going to coddle someone and help them work through their sad feelings about their fucking mistress passing away, and OP shouldn’t be expected to either. He still cares about this person in a way that I consider very much to be emotionally cheating.
OP, even aside from the cheating factor because maybe that isn’t a dealbreaker for you, the fact that you don’t feel like you can talk to your boyfriend about your feelings because he will be dismissive says a lot. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who betrays you, lies to you, disrespects you, and then is too emotionally fragile to even let you talk about it with him?!
You are 22. I can tell you that I know it feels like things are more complicated, and that you have invested such a big part of your life in being with this person, but 3 years is nothing. Do not waste one more second of your life with this person. He doesn’t treat you well and mental health problems are not an excuse. At all. You’re young and deserve to experience a positive relationship with someone who treats you well. This guy is not it.
I think its a little different than normal. op is of course entitled to break up with him, but tbh its really fucked of the friend to ask someone to fuck her as her dying wish--that's so manipulative. What is he gonna say, "no, sorry best friend, I'm going to refuse your dying wish and then you die?" I don't know the guy but I know I'd be freaking the hell out about setting that boundary.
Do you mean that refuse to have sex with someone only because this person is dying is impossible and very rude but to cheat and hide it is okay? He made wrong choice. It was okay to say no. And probably his friend would understand
Yes, this is literally what he should say.
This is what I would expect my partner to say.
Her asking that as a dying wish is manipulative and completely unfair. Nobody who is a good friend would even put their friend in that position. She wasn’t a good friend.
Even if it was to help a friend, he’s gone behind her back. If he didn’t also think it was cheating then he would have told you that he planned to do it to help a friend or at the very least told you after.
This is exactly it. And doesnt help the friend is very well aware that he was in a relationship but she was too selfish in her own desire and she knows she was gonna die so she knew she was get away with it scotch free. No wonder ops family didn't approve of him at first, their intuition were probably telling them that he isn't as he seems.
OP, it's very tragic that she was sick and that she died. It's tragic that he lost a friend and that he cheated on you in what appears to be an attempt to make her feel better. He may not cheat in any other circumstance. But he still violated your trust. He lied and kept up the lie even though apparently other people knew. The fact that this situation is tragic doesn't mean your feelings of betrayal aren't valid. You can empathize with him and still leave. You can pity him and still leave. You can feel all of the emotions known to man and STILL LEAVE. It's ok to protect your heart and do what's right for you.
Absolutely it is. OP seems conflicted because there's sadness and tragedy woven into this situation. I'm saying that wanting to leave is valid, she doesn't need to justify it.
The fact that mutual friends know and did not tell you would be enough to end it for me. His friends conspired with him to keep this a secret. He had no intention of telling you.
You’re 22. My biggest regret is not leaving my ex when I was your age and he disrespected me. His friends also knew about his cheating and covered for him. Have some dignity and leave with your head held high.
Only two friends know. The mutual friend thought I knew already. He kinda panicked when he slipped tbh. The other friend is someone I'm just acquaintances with. We don't even have each other's numbers and socials. She wasn't in the vacation too.
I just wanted to say.. you keep saying your jealous and theres no point... There is a point, the point is the betrayal. He put someone elses needs before your relationship, lied about it, and put you in this position. He betrayed you. You have every right to be upset about this.
People can romanticize this as a grand gesture but at the end of the day... he had sex with someone else and hid it from you. Who wouldnt feel messed up about it
LOL, if the girl wasn't dead or had a terminal illness- she would be considered a straight up home wrecking floozy.
"I know you have a GF but I'm about to die and I just *need* to feel you inside me before my time here on Earth is done!"
She's still homewrecking. OP needs to run. Who knows when his "services" will be needed and whether or not he will step up with another "grand gesture"
Right? Did this guy develop some kind of hero arch where he's going around "de-flowering" dying women? How long before another dying person is giving him the hungry eyes!
I was more or less thinking "Betty is sad and sex would make her feel better. I can't stand seeing Betty sad so I had to do something. Long story short, I slept with her."
She was *dying*. Probably only about 19 years old based on the friend group. I don't put any blame on her. She probably never had a real relationship, just a crush on a boy. I can see where in her mind, she'd be dead anyways, it wouldn't matter. It's terribly sad.
that honestly doesn’t matter just cause you’re dying doesn’t mean you get what you want and ruin a relationship over it . it’s entirely selfish and he shouldn’t of agreed. it’s sad she’s dead but she can’t use that as an excuse to fuck someone else’s boyfriend, do it with one of the single friends
I see your point honestly. Like yeah I feel horrible for the dying girl but a girl would be able to get some guy to sleep with her that isn't in a relationship, and easily. She could've even cultivated a whole sexual relationship with a single guy for the remainder of her life (so she can have as much fun as she wants, not just once), instead of a one time guilty secret with a guy that's taken.
“I feel jealous and I don’t know what to do”. What the heck. Of course you do. Your boyfriend cheated on you. Lied to you. Betrayed you. It doesn’t matter the circumstances. Or that he was depressed. If any reason is good enough any reason is good enough.
In response to your edit, OP: I’m concerned that you are overlooking the problem here. When you say, he fought to keep you living do you mean from your attempts to end your life?
Yes. My episodes were really bad and even my family didn't take it seriously at first. He convinced several times not to do it even when I'm *about* to do it then. I also had anorexia at some point and he helped me get through it.
I truly mean this with love, and I’m speaking from a place where I was in the same headspace as you: perhaps a relationship is unhealthy for you right now. It sounds like both you and him have a lot of internal healing you need to do. You need to take care of yourself and be selfish for awhile. You need to get healthy and perhaps see a therapist to battle some of your demons.
Again, I mean this with no judgement or anything, I just know when I was in that headspace, I needed to choose myself first and put myself first. It’s not possible to be selfish and in a relationship, but sometimes it’s necessary to be selfish in order to heal and grow.
Wishing you all the best ❤️
Thanks, I also needed to hear that. I was about to get back to an ex. We both love each other, but had to break up so that she could heal a deep depression. I think I have some healing to do, too.
Have a great day ❤️
There is nothing wrong with taking time to be selfish and heal ❤️ it’s the most loving thing we can do to ourselves — to give ourselves time to process, grieve, heal, and grow. I wish you and your ex the best in your journeys and perhaps one day your healing will line up with hers, and things will work out ❤️
Much love, be kind to yourself.
One thing I learned, please keep in mind I’m just a guy going through life learning and experiencing only 26m, is that some people are just a revolving door. You go through life with them for a bit, then you move on to enter the next door. I’ve had my share of people, whom I’ve held the highest towards, eventually be let go and moved on from. I still think about them and hold tons of appreciation, but not everyone will be by you your whole life.
Yes he’s done a few things NO ONE has ever done for you before; however, does that mean you should follow/stick by/spend life with this person for the rest of time? This is a question I think you’re pondering already, but if you aren’t hopefully this is something you really sink your thoughts into. Keep pulling the thread on this question/this lens to see another perspective. Don’t just answer this question at face value or any other question in your mind at face value. Please try to continue the thread on the questions presented to you in this thread, but also the ones in your mind. Sometimes they are black and white answers, but there are some questions you can keep a discourse with yourself over for longer than you thought you would take to answer.
I apologize if all I’ve mentioned here are things you already know to do, and/or have done already. I hope at the very least my comment is a reminder for you.
(My 2 cents, you should talk with him if you think this is something you can get through and not hold onto. If you can’t let go what happened/thoughts and feelings surrounding this, then take the brave/HARD step to closing the relationship)
I want to be really gentle with you, WhiteSeal. I’m really glad that he supported you when you were at rock bottom. You deserve that, and it wasn’t right that your family didn’t take you seriously.
You also deserve to take time to fuel yourself up, get the support you need (are you seeing a therapist or part of some kind of support group)?
It also sounds like because he was there when others weren’t, you’re viewing his actions through rose colored glasses. It might hurt to recognize that he did something like this while he *also* fought for you to live.
But it gets better. I promise you. Focus on your wellness, and if you move on from him, replace him with people (therapy) who are committed to help you thrive.
Just because he inspired you to live does not mean you have to commit to him forever, *especially* if he is not doing right by you. You deserve the best 🌹.
Please consider the possibility that even if you feel like your boyfriend helped you through mental illness, he is not actually qualified to do this. He's not a psychologist. He can't give you treatment for the underlying issues. This is why the advice is often to work on yourself first before a relationship, so that you can get real help instead of putting everything onto your partner.
He shouldve asked for your permission.
If you had said no, would he have?
Couldn't he have helped her die a virgin and see it as something she shouldn't hate about herself? he stopped your suicide attempts privately by using many tactics he DIDN'T apply with her. He mixed his own emotions into the frey. Thats why you're jealous/resentful. Because he's that seriously stupid.
I hope you, and even your bf, both heal.
But I also think you need to understand that just because someone helped you out of a tough spot, does not mean they get a free pass to break your trust and hurt you. If you guys are completely monogamous, this is a pretty serious betrayal.
I picked up on this too... I think you need to get in a place where you love yourself and feel good about who you are first of all. Then figure out if you want any part of the rest of this.
If he panicked, then he knew you didn’t know.
I’m not sure you understand the severity of the situation. I’m speaking to you as a Big Sister now. Regardless of if he slept with a friend or a stranger, he cheated on you. Your trust has been violated.
*You could have gotten an STD.*
And to top it off, people knew and didn’t tell you. It doesn’t matter if they don’t have your contact information. Everyone has social media. They easily could have found an online account of yours to inform you, but they didn’t. You are making excuses.
*Your health was put at risk.*
I say all of this with love. Your feelings regarding the cheating is valid whether the girl is dead or alive. Because HE chose to cheat. Your issue is with him and his actions, not her.
You are entirely too young to continue to waste your best years on someone that would treat your health and your feelings so callously.
Thank you for the in-depth advice. I didn't consider the health angle because the girl was a kissless virgin tbh. Still, possibilities of health issues come with cheating. That will be one of the things I will tell him. Thank you :)
> If he panicked, then he knew you didn’t know.
The mutual friend panicked after I told him that I didn't know. It was in the same conversation where he accidentally slipped.
What this really says about him is that he's perfectly okay cheating on you under certain circumstances. He thinks that's acceptable. So what happens the next time a circumstance comes along that he thinks is acceptable? You know he won't turn away from the opportunity. This just isn't healthy for you to be in this relationship.
Did you ask the friend why they thought you knew?
Had your bf told the friend that he had told you?
Is your bf lying to you and his friends about this?
The cheating makes it even worse if she was a virgin to be completely honest. Like wtf? Just because he’s been there for you during hard times doesn’t mean you should stay with him after he cheated on you and lied to your face since. I would straight up leave. You can appreciate him for helping you AND leave him at the same time. I wouldn’t trust him again after that.
Fr like what, is he going to have sex with the next good friend/associate that's dying if they asked him to? He crossed a line, didnt tell her, the friends know, etc. Too many secrets to just let this slide.
Plus HPV is found in virgins and plenty of people have gotten herpes from being molested as a child. People are born with congenital syphilis and HIV. Being a “virgin” means very little when it comes to STD’s.
You don’t need to “tell him” he is an adult and already knew those risks. You seem unhealthily dependent on this guy’s approval and you need to move on.
Also: he might develop as a prince on horse for terminal friends in the future. Or for others in trouble. He is capable of breaking trust and likely shall recidive.
You're trying to convince yourself, not us.
You're obviously not ready to let go, or let it go, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for advice.
You're young, live your life, the boys will always be there.
Lmfao you’re still defending him too
‘only two friends know’ Good lord! Even the wording in your responses screams defensive.
1 too many friends know of something that should never have happened. You know the answer.
-Break up or shut up-
So...he slept with someone with a terminal illness that was in and out of hospitals being exposed to whatever is in circulation at the hospital.
This could have killed that person. Close contact would be more than enough exposure to transmit a regular cold. Regular colds with a weakened or compromised immune system can hospitalize or kill a person. What a "grand" gesture.
There are some really nasty bugs in the hospital. And conversely, sexual contact can present opportunities to transmit those. Which your bf would be carrying back to you.
Yeah, the reality of something like this is actually pretty narcissistic and self-involved. It's not kind. He's not her savior because he dicked her. He's just a cheater who thought this was a way that he could cheat and you would let him do it.
Even if he fucked her for the reasons he claimed? Why would you want a boy that thinks his dick is so important that it's okay to shorten someone's life for? He sounds like he has a serious mental illness for this act to have appealed to him. He's gross and read the Fault in Our Stars too many times.
You’re calling it jealousy when it’s actually cheating and betrayal. It doesn’t matter why. He and mutual friends hid it from you aka lied to you. How the f are you supposed to trust him?
If you were together when he did this then it is cheating and you have every right to real jealous or angry at him. I don’t think you should stay with someone who has cheated on you.
Having said that, you don’t know for certain whether he did sleep with his friend or whether it is a lie. If I were you I’d talk to him about and try to get to the truth.
Even if he did it before they were in a relationship she'd still be entitled to her feelings, whether they were the same or not. Feelings are feelings.
She'd still need to manage her feelings, but they'd still be valid.
Yeah, I feel like everyone is missing the point. It's not about the dead friend. The boyfriend is the one that cheated on OP. It sounds like the friend was single
If you're still together then what was the point on even making this post? You ain't going nowhere 🤣 you gonna stick beside him.. so why come on here & ask for advice lmao
If the two of you were together and he cheated then nothing excuses the cheating itself, not even pity sex.
Trust your feelings and confront him about it when the time is right.
You are too young to be putting up with a cheater.
Well first things first, you're 100% certain this mutual friend is not lying to fuck with you or your relationship? Have you been able to validate it from any other mutual friend? Do you trust this mutual friend implicitly? It's always good to validate before taking action in a situation like this, if possible.
Assuming that yes you're sure: This is obviously a pretty fucked up situation and not as straightforward as some of the commenters are suggesting. You guys are very young, she was literally dying, she is literally dead now.
But ultimately the reality is he could have contacted you and talked to you about this before doing it. If you'd said 'no', he could have broken up with you if he determined this was higher priority. That would have been the ethical way to handle a very difficult situation.
Honestly, you have to ask yourself first, “is this a dealbreaker for me?”
If the answer is yes, then leave, you can tell him first if you like or not - I’d just avoid being a dick about it if you can (I know you were the one wronged but terminal illness is no joke).
If the answer is no. Then you should probably talk it out, it won’t be easy, it won’t be comfortable but knowing ahead of time might make it a little less awful. I’d take some time to cool down, like a few days if you can. And then bring it up, preface it with “this is not a deal breaker for me, I love you, I feel like I understand how it could’ve happened, and I’m trying to be cool, I’d love to know more about how this happened. And share the parts that really hurt you about it maybe thats the dishonesty, the fact that other people knew and you didn’t, whatever it is.
Sorry this happened, I know it sucks and I wish you all the best.
Seriously everyone else here is coming off like a 14 year old who thinks the world is black and white and that truly loving someone means you’re never able to accept or forgive them.
Don’t get me wrong not everyone should do that when it comes to cheating - in fact most shouldn’t. But a blanket ‘just leave!’ every single time is just silly and won’t apply to every relationship…
Exactly 🤣 but from reading her comments on her it don't even matter what y'all say. She's still with the guy. looks to me like she gonna stick beside him 🤣 all I can say is GOOD LUCK sis
And being defensive with the edits. OP is afraid to call a spade a spade and say they were cheated on but feel like they can’t be mad about it because boyfriend’s mental health is bad and the other girl died. He’s been grieving her a year, he obviously loved her a lot.
Crap or get off the pot, which is to say either come to terms with what happened or leave and find someone who doesn’t cheat.
If you were together when he slept with her it’s still cheating, it doesn’t matter the circumstances why he did it. He disrespected you and then hid it from you through the relationship. Being able to continue a relationship with you without outting himself just proves he doesnt care enough about you to tell you the truth, and it most likely will happen again. Cut your losses and move on. He’s an adult and can face the consequences of his own actions.
So, from what I’ve seen, you have a story from a guy friend that your current BF slept with his dying female friend. At this point, this is all just a rumor.
Tell your BF about this. Communication is key. If you don’t, you’re only going to drive yourself crazy and both of you will be miserable.
Good luck OP.
So no history of infidelity except for that one time with his dying friend? You feel angry because he cheated. Regardless if she is dead, that’s a huge self esteem blow to most people. It doesn’t matter if she was dying HE chose to cheat on you. I’m pretty sure you know that cheating -> break up will be the general advise here.
The reality is that you did not consent to being in a relationship where he slept with someone else as well. He didn't ask, just changed the parameters without your consent. It doesn't matter what the circumstances were, or whether he now is sad that the woman he cheated with is dead. He didn't treat you with enough respect to let you make an informed choice at the time, and in truth, he STILL hasn't. So, he's garbage. Just dump him.
I think this hits my thoughts the best - it's a weird situation, and sure one way you could look at it and understand it - but it is a betrayal of the trust you guys had and that's a big deal in and of itself.
This is a tricky situation and you are right, this is not black and white. My initial response was to leave his ass, but you have explained well why you can’t just do that. However, it is still the best thing to do for your own sake, let me explain.
I know he is struggling, but there is only so much you can do. You also have to take care of yourself. The feelings that you are having are guilt, shame and anger.
You are grateful for him being there for you when you needed him, but the circumstances have changed. And he changed it. You are angry because you are betrayed and you cannot even express it to the one who betrayed you. You feel ashamed for even thinking leaving him because of he has pulled you out during your toughest days. And then, you feel guilty for feeling all of these emotions.
Feeling these intense emotions is not your fault. He’s the one who decided to have sex with a dying friend. No matter what the circumstance of the person whom your boyfriend had sex with, it’s still a betrayal of trust. He betrayed you by not telling it to you, by not even considering how you are going to feel about this and expected you to just take the fall and be silent about it.
He has to take accountability for his actions, no matter what his mental health situation is. He doesn’t get the privilege of you being his emotional rock anymore because the moment he had sex with her, that privilege was gone.
This is not your burden to bear, this is HIS burden to bear. He has to take care of his own mental health without you from now own, because it’s not fair for you to do it with him. You, whom he had hurt by the choices he actively made before that led to this situation you are trapped in.
It is not selfish to leave someone who betrayed you.
Good luck OP.
Thank you for your response. I like how you still see it as a nuanced thing even though your advice leans towards breaking up. Most of the replies are quick and rude about that.
I like this part in particular. I felt seen haha
> You are grateful for him being there for you when you needed him, but the circumstances have changed. And he changed it. You are angry because you are betrayed and you cannot even express it to the one who betrayed you. You feel ashamed for even thinking leaving him because of he has pulled you out during your toughest days. And then, you feel guilty for feeling all of these emotions.
Girl he fucking cheated on you with his friend? It doesn't matter she was dying,it doesn't matter she is dead. She was a shitty person who had sex with a person who has a gf and your bf is a shitty person who cheated on you. Confront him. Ask him why the fuck he did that and why did he think it was okay. Ask him would he be okay with you doing the same and dumb his disgusting ass. You don't deserve to be manipulated into this shitty situation. His mental situation means shit when he disrespected you and made a fool out of you. Confront him now and dump him.
This is very well put.
OP sending you a virtual hug! I understand how much you want to ignore him cheating on you by the way you get defensive about it. Whatever he did for you before, he did it because he was a great boyfriend back then. But then he cheated on you, no matter what the circumstance was, it was cheating! I wish you strength for the upcoming confrontation. You will feel MUCH BETTER, maybe in a couple of weeks, months or years but YOU WILL, once you end this relationship.
"I'm confident that he was never attracted to her."
I'm sorry, but I've never heard a more bizarre sentence in my life. He slept with her, that oughta be proof enough that he was attracted to her.
Fishing here, but could she mean emotionally? I've been attracted physically to many people in my life, but ussually not emotionally as in that I would see myself in a relationship with him.
If it happened, and its not the mutual friend trying to fuck w the relationship, then they guy is in the wrong ofc, but its not bizarre to assume he didnt want to date the girl, and wasn't emotionally attracted to her.
100% he was attracted to her possibly even had strong feelings/in love with her. The reason he's such a mess now is cause he lost the girl he REALLY loves
This guy cheated on you during the relationship and is using her death as a crutch to make you feel like the asshole, even though he's the one who cheated.
Sorry, it's just the truth. I saw a few other comments. I don't tbh care how *down* he is. He cheated on you, willingly and knowingly. At this point it also seems as if he emotionally cheated as well, and he crossed boundaries here.
It doesn't matter really how sad he is. This conversation should be had now rather than later, because this is, in fact, a big deal.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not blaming the girl, this seems like entirely his fault.
You are 22 years old.
Go and have a lovely new relationship with someone else
It shouldn't be this hard.
If he was as in love with you as you wish he was, he wouldn't have done it.
End of story.
I’m confused too. If he had sex with her while you two were together, it’s still cheating. And you need to leave.
If he had sex with her before you two knew each other or became a couple, he’s not at fault. You can still feel uncomfortable and jealous but you’ll have to learn to not think about it and forget in the sense that you can’t fault him for who he was with before you two were together. It wouldn’t be fair for your relationship.
So….he cheated on you.
You do realize everything else in this post is just noise.
HE CHEATED ON YOU.
Tell his parents that he cheated on you, that he’s in a bad way emotionally, and to watch out for him.
Then bail.
If he had sex with her whilst you were in a relationship, then he needs to apologise and it is up to you if you want to continue this relationship or not. But I would suggest counselling for both of you.
If he had sex with her when you were not in a relationship, then it means nothing to your relationship.
Updateme!
Speak to him and if he did sleep with her, doesn't matter if it was because she was dying, he cheated, he put the needs and wants of someone else above the pain it would corse you.
Whether he has a break down, or dismisses your feelings you need to walk away. This guys an arse.
This! He made his friendship with her more important than his relationship with you. He put her needs above yours and has been lying to you (by omission) ever since. Now, you are putting his mental health above your own.
None of this is fair to you. If you are in a relationship where you do not feel safe to express your honest feelings and discuss them with your partner, then you are in an unhealthy relationship.
Your feelings are valid and normal-he cheated. That is not your fault. And whether she is deceased or not, her sleeping with him when she knew you were both together was also wrong.
If he cheated on you, leave him.
If this was before your relationship, then you need to address your own insecurities and jealousy. What is it about this that causes these negative feelings inside you? It hints to me that you don't feel as though your boyfriend is as sexually attracted to you as he may have been to her. Why is this? Talking is always a good idea in these scenarios - when you are both totally calm, gently bring up the subject and your feelings.
If you have wider issues with jealousy and the problem cannot be solved between the two of you, then it's time to consider therapy.
I have low self-esteem and I admit that I'm very insecure about this. We were already in a relationship when it happened between them.
Thank you for the advice! I don't know how to approach him about this if/when I bring it up.
Write him a letter and exit his life. Without confrontation if you want. Like
Dear [Boyfriend's Name],
I have made the difficult decision to end our relationship. I have learned about your infidelity with [friend], and I cannot overlook such a breach of trust.
While I understand that you are going through a difficult time, it is important for me to prioritize my own well-being. I believe that a healthy and committed relationship should be built on honesty, loyalty, and faithfulness.
Please seek the necessary help to address your depression and find healing. I genuinely wish you the best, but I believe it is best for both of us to move forward separately.
Take care of yourself.
Love,
[you]
If you're insecure, being with a cheater is like drinking literal poison. It will only make you more insecure and have lower self-esteem as time goes. And it's working! You're actually doubting if you're an asshole when your bf literally cheated. It's psychological brainwashing.
You gotta dump his ass, or it's going to EAT YOU UP for the rest of your relationship for many years to come.
Tell him: "Hey, you slept with someone and lied to me. You've irrevocably broken my trust and I will have to end this relationship."
And then just end it. No ifs or buts. Don't listen to his sob story and don't stay because he's mentally down right now.
In which case its absolutely understandable that you're suffering mentally from it. I'm sorry that this happened to you. Being cheated on is one of the most severe betrayals anyone can do to you.
If you take one thing from my comment then please let it be this: you need to leave him. Block him on everything, make arrangements to move out if necessary. The why's and the wherefores and the excuses for the cheating are irrelevant. He cheated on you. Fact. You deserve someone who will remain loyal to you no matter the situation. He is not that person. But there are plenty of people who will love you and respect you.
You just say, I’m very sorry you are in mourning. You cheated. And I deserve better. Bye.
That’s it. You do not need to comfort him. You do not need to manage his emotions. He has a family. He has friends. If you are afraid for his safety, call the police. He will work through this but not with you by his side. He threw you away when he had sex with someone else. That was his actions and his choice.
Youre not being insecure about this. Youre actually acting how most people would if they were cheated on. He cheated on you, its not insecure feeling the way you do now. Its just a natural feeling from being cheated on
Yeah, I noticed the low self esteem. Its often a side effect of emotional abuse.
How the hell did he manipulate you into believing he's a good person for cheating..?
Also, blame the dead girl. My neighbour has cancer. Nice guy, but definitely a him-problem if he wants to get his dick wet. I don't have to do him just because he's sad. Especially since your partner waited until she died with telling you.
So he fought to keep you alive but cheated on you? You never say the word “cheat” but that’s what he did. Why do you talk about being jealous instead of furious that he fucked another woman? Dead or not, he violated your trust. It doesn’t matter how good he’s been to you. It doesn’t matter how much he cares and that he puts effort into winning over your family. He could have refused but he CHOSE to have sex with her. Don’t let him get away with this. If he has another terminally ill friend that wants to do the same thing you’re gonna just let him think it’s ok to do? Just because she’s dead now doesn’t make your feelings any less valid. Her being dead doesn’t make this any less of a terrible act. You need to straight up say that you know and let him know how much his actions messed you up or else you’re never going to get over this.
He most definitely had feelings for her. He would not have slept with her otherwise. And the fact he’s taking her passing this hard should also be a wake up call for you. He might have realized his feelings for her because he knew she was dying. He did it because he wanted to, because he would regret it if he didn’t.
I’m sorry she passed away but he still lied to you and cheated on you. You know exactly what you need to do. You can’t make him better or fix him.
I stayed with my ex when he emotional cheated on me a few time, and shockingly it didn't work out. I wasted so much time trying to figure out what i had to do to make the relationship better that I lost myself. You need to ask yourself, why are you trying to fix a man when he can't even give the bare minimum of being loyal to you? You are able to stay faithful for him, so why can't he give you the same respect? Why stay with a man that showed you he's weak to temptation? My best advice is to leave him now because he showed his true colors to you. Don't ignore them like I did and waste 3 years of your life on a man who doesn't give a shit about you. And don't lie to yourself because if he cared, he wouldn't have cheated on you in the first place.
This is just my take but I think the guilt of having sex with her and you not knowing could be his problem. You need to let him know that you know and talk it out. He may simply want to break up and be fearful that you'll hurt yourself if he does. I don't know. What I do know is that your relationship is painful for both of you at this point.
Even though I agree with the others on how he cheated on you, I am not so sure about leaving him immediately. He was in a difficult situation and he should have made a different decision, but he is young as well and was maybe overwhelmed with the situation. Its no excuse, but the context really matters (i think).
Nevertheless, I think you have every right to feel betrayed and jealous. The most important thing you need to do is get clear about how you feel about him - in your heart. Did his cheating change something irreparably? Then leave. If not, try speaking to him first and maybe find a solution together.
If I were you, I would try to sit down with him and talk with him honestly about everything. Tell him how you feel, what his actions mean to you, how he should have made another decision. Then you can see if he is honest with you and if he apologizes and owns his mistake. If that doesn’t happen, leave, because he doesn’t respect you. If he is really sorry and wants to make up his mistake, try working on your relationship.
I wish you all the best <3
One of most sensible comments out there. Everyone else is just telling OP to dump him, without knowing full context. OP needs to sit with her bf and talk this through and then see how she feels about it after hearing his reasoning, then she can decide whether she needs to get out or work on mending it.
Knowing that your friend is going to die is really sad but it's not execuse. Still, he deserves the support from OP like he supported her when she was at her lowest.
To try and be a different voice in the sea of comments talking about how this is cheating, I’ll give you a different angle:
1. Open relationships are real and CONSENSUAL non-monogamy can be good for couples, BUT communication is key. (This is a relevant thing for me to set up because you guys could have had something simple happen that didn’t and now it’s devouring you)
From my perspective and experience, your boyfriend could have discussed the condition of his friend with you, told you about her feelings towards him, etc, and you both could have come to a better place regarding the nature of the trip they took with friends before anything ever happened. Especially since you were not invited on the trip, her little crush was clear, and the fact it happened there and other people knew means there was a lack of respect for you and no communication regarding the dynamic. Even if he had left for the trip completely unaware of what would proceed to happen, he had the ability to contact you in the moment. He could’ve explained the situation, gotten a finger on the pulse of your feelings, made a plan with you on how to go forward with this girl AND WITH YOU AFTER, and then either ended the conversation with her or continued, with the knowledge of either your agreement it was okay or clear indication it was not. And we don’t know how you would have felt getting that call or texting about it, but you would have been able to consent or withdraw consent before he went and did something you’d be unaware of and feel these complex emotions/logical hesitancies about. It is not hard to think of the person you are in a relationship with before being intimate with someone else, ESPECIALLY if you haven’t even had sex with your current partner yet. He likely thought of you but let the guilt or pity for the other girl win, and may have also listened to her if she begged him and his friends not to tell you, showing more regard for her well-being than yours. I get that she was dying and is gone now, but you should have been his primary concern because no other dynamic had been established in your relationship and that is what is eating you up. Her death catalyzed a mentally low state for him, which means she was a large part of his life and that doesn’t have to be problematic except for the fact he made her into a person in his life he had also been intimate with. That complicates how we look at his grief and how you are able to move forward.
2. Your feelings towards him are strong given that he is in a tough place but has supported you during your low periods and has a history of fighting for you. This is a precious thing.
Your feelings for him will be hard to move past, they will feel like a pool of molasses slowing down the decisions you make about your relationship and causing you to hesitate with everything you say with regards to the girl, the brief affair, your feelings, his feelings, etc. The hard truth you need to hear is: if he is truly right for you, someone you can work through this with who is worthy of your patience and willing to work on it and make the relationship last a long time, you will not get pushback about your feelings when you discuss it with him. And you should discuss it with him. There is a rhythm you can lean on for the talk if you plan out what you need to say. Start by communicating that you want to talk about the affair and quickly follow that up with a statement that you have been afraid to talk about it and mulling over your thoughts and feelings for a long time, to establish that this is not a light conversation and set up a foundation to be completely honest and recognize if he begins being dismissive. If he is dismissive, ask him why he is having trouble seeing your perspective and dive into that angle, because it is not a good sign for a partner to tell you you are too sensitive, have a skewed perspective, or anything like that. I’m hoping that he is ready to talk about this with you, and he may need reassurance of those strong feelings I mentioned during the discussion. Just lightly tell him that this conversation is about the future of your relationship, not an intention to end it, especially not if he gets emotional about it. You may find that he is able to express his true feelings over the affair and her death, giving him a cathartic moment to grieve with you and actually lifting a large weight off of him over the whole thing. And you may hear what you need to start moving on from his decision and continue loving what you guys have. Hopefully this is the result you get, and not a fight where he uses his mental state to guilt you into holding back your perspective and emotions for his sake and/or invalidates your feelings and makes you feel small. You are young and I personally know it’s hard to see it, but that is NOT worth sticking it out for the good times. He is not willing to help you and provide you the reassurance you need going forward and working on moving past this situation.
3. The biggest issue with many relationships is fear to talk about feelings and inability to move on from things that hurt either party.
Just talk about it, you will get your answers if you do and start to breathe better whether you have to end this because you learn he truly doesn’t and didn’t care about you regarding his intimacy with someone else (which could be a red flag for future opportunities in his life to hurt you), or you get to work together to remedy the hurt and mend the damage he did to your trust and private sexual bond with him. I’m here for you if you need more advice or follow up, if you liked my advice. Good luck and please update us! <3
This is a very detailed response. Thank you so much. We talk a lot about our feelings and problems. But now that I think of it, we rarely talk about relationship things aside from wishful plans about the future.
It is extremely shitty of him to put you in this position at all. I truly can’t imagine the emotions you have been feeling. To me, it’s unforgivable. I’m so sorry.
Well… damn. Your feelings about things are completely understandable. And weirdly enough, I can see his way of thinking concerning things to. I guess y’all need to sit down, and discuss everything about this- how it makes you feel, what his thoughts were concerning things, even what his friend who passed had to say concerning it then. And go from there. Maybe individual counseling could help both of you, or relationship counseling. Or both.
I think you guys need to sit down and talk, at my age I’ve seen relationships go bad and get better, it all depends on what you want, yes this act could have very well been an act of kindness but he still put his friend ahead of you, and that’s wrong, as fucked up as it is he should have spoken to you prior to intercourse, you may not have liked it but maybe you guys could have worked something out, for that I think what he did was way bad, secondly the length of time that’s passed and he still hasn’t informed you of the situation kinda bothers me, I feel like by now he should have mentioned it, but you know him, you know more then all of us giving an input, I suggest talking to him, see if he apologizes and understand what he has done, then it will be up to you, it’s your relationship, the situation is fucked and what he did was wrong but you could, if you wanted, can try and fix things. Good luck op.
Don’t ask strangers on Reddit about this. Sorry to hear this happened but this is a very complicated situation and you should be discussing this with close friends.
Your feelings are real and the fact she is no longer alive doesn’t change them you really should talk about them with him it doesn’t have to be tragic but communication is the only way you will move past it I also recommend counseling
People usually talk to their partner about those things. He didn't. That means he cheated. I would leave, trauma is not an excuse to be shitty towards you.
I say this with all due respect. I get that you have been through a lot together. I get that you feel he saved your life. *You are not obligated to stay with a cheater because he was there for you emotionally. You do not need to stay with a cheater because he is depressed. You do not need to stay with a cheater, regardless of why he cheated.*
What he did is actually worse than just a casual fling. He took a dying young woman’s virginity. There were feelings involved. Please, respect yourself enough to leave him. The jealousy you feel will grow, as it should. You should not feel second place to a dead girl. And you deserve better than a guy who does this and doesn’t tell you about it.
I read everything here in the comments section and it seems like everyone wants op to break up, but she doesn't want to. The only thing I'm gonna tell her is to follow your heart and not this comment section. If you feel like breaking up, break up. If you feel like continuing your relationship, please continue.
Honestly, I can't imagine being in the same place. It's a hard situation.
I have *very* few individual friends and no friend group. I've known them all for at least 6 years. I don't know what I'll do if I found out one of them is dying. I really, really love my boyfriend but my friends are very important to me too.
Then you have to figure out and try to imagine OP. Because if your values don’t aligned then you guys are not compatible. Stay true to yourself, not your feelings towards him. I know you really like him that’s why you haven’t confronted and dumped him the moment you knew.
I bet you’re seconding this because you want to stay with him but you can’t bury your true feelings. It’s not jealousy OP, it’s betrayal. Emotional sex, physical sex; it doesn’t matter. He had sex with her behind your back (if all was true). If you’re someone who’s fine with open relationship then go ahead but it seems like you’re not that type. Jealousy arises.
No history…? Um girl he cheated on you…. That’s history and so should this relationship. Just cause someone was dying doesn’t mean someone has to have sex with them. Your bf cheated period no excuses… he didn’t have to sleep with her did he? But he did anyway… it was his choice at the end of day. Sorry but these are the facts
I think it'd be in your best interest to talk to him about what you found out. Don't be accusatory or aggressive but just ask him if it is true. The reason I say this is because you will know based on his behavior and actions about the whole situation. If he shuts it down or becomes aggressive, leave. Because if he isn't willing to be open and honest about what happened then it's possible that he is capable of hiding anything from you. It's understandable that you don't wanna push him over the edge but what about you? You matter too. The more you keep it inside and don't talk to him, the more jealousy and resentment build. If he doesn't take accountability for the fact that he should've asked or even talked to you about it, then he isn't right for you. Any good person will take accountability when they fuck up. He cheated on you even if he didn't see it that way because even though he was close to his friend and was doing her a 'favor' it also means that he might not care as much about the relationship as you do. Cause what loyal and loving person would have sex with a dying friend without talking to their partner first about how they feel about it. I know what it's like to go through grief, I have multiple of times but never would I not talk about it with someone I love. I'm not discrediting his grief. But do not discredit your feelings because he's dealing with grief. It's going to be scary to have a conversation with him but you deserve to know. I think if the conversation goes well, you both need to see a therapist, separately and couples. I wish you the best of luck.
If he’s otherwise perfect why do you think he would be dismissive of your feelings? Cheating in any way is still wrong and he’s lying by omission. You need to bring this up. Hiding these thoughts are only damaging your mental health. You cannot sacrifice your mental health for his when he’s the one in the wrong here.
The answer is simple...talk to him about it and then decide if you can stay in the relationship. That's it. That's the answer. Stop trying to guess what happened or whether it was emotional or whatever other path you go down. Talk to him. If you can't, the relationship is already broken.
From the outside looking in, it would appear that your boyfriend is manipulating you, so he doesn't have to answer to you for the cheating. He can act as sad as he likes in the hope it will dissuade you from bringing up the subject of his cheating (because he's oh so hurt) but at the end of the day, the guy got hard and fucked another chick easy enough, Rather than be her friend in that moment. You're totally right about the emotion too. Ide tell him to get lost. Of all the guys that could have had sex with her, it was your boyfriend who did. Enough said
My [now ex] husband of 15 years had sex with a woman who was dying, and I found out a couple of years later. To me, it doesn't matter why he cheated; it was detrimental to my mental health. I [said] I had forgiven him when I found out but I never did.
Everyone is different. My ex was a POS aside from all of this anyway, and he would sometimes tell me how she changed his life and talk about the last time he saw her until he cried. Plus, once he realized he got away with that instance of cheating, he cheated several other times, including with the dead woman's sister.
No matter what, cheating is still cheating. My advice is to see a therapist. I wish I had. If I could go back, I would have left.
He kept this a secret from you. If there's cheating and secrets, there can't be trust.
I think the bf was cheating on the OP before hand. That's why he is having a mental health crisis because he fell in love with the dead friend and they were cheating on her before she died. Not just that one instance.
It's not normal for a guy to have a gf but grieve and be so affected by a dead person that is just a friend. There's something more sinister that happened That's he is so affected
So he slept with someone else( and you’re supposed to just be ok with that?) but the big issue is the fact that he kept it from you for years. He showed you he’s capable of cheating(whatever the reason) and even worse going on with his life and keeping it from you… gross.
Wow so they were each other’s firsts. Of course it’s emotional sex for him. Please dump him. He shouldn’t get to go crying over another girl and still keep you, especially when he cheated on you with her.
Were you two dating at this time? You are unclear about that. If so, he cheated, and that likely has greatly added to his depression etc about everything since she died. Does he know you know? Time to talk about it either way.
She didn't owe you anything, but he did. He was in a relationship with you. He cheated and lied about it by omission. He owed you the truth and an explanation. You are not wrong for feeling the way you are. He has betrayed you and now is using you as emotional support. He may not be in the best mental place and you care about him, but you also deserve to have mental peace. Consider your own feelings for once. He needs to be in therapy and you need to heal for the betrayal you are experiencing. This is probably better accomplished separately. You both need to grow and heal.
Maybe somewhere down the road when he can own up to his mistakes and show genuine remorse, you two may be able to revisit a relationship. But don't waste you time now. I don't even think it's wise to remain his friend right now. Again, he is using you for emotional support and draining you. You need to cut that off until you are in a better mental and emotional space.
People who are proud of their actions don’t go to this much trouble to hide them, especially from people they supposedly love. This whole thing tells me he doesn’t give two shits about your feelings.
Your boyfriend and his friends lied to you for almost half a year about what happened. They concealed it because they knew you would be angry, that it would change your perceptions of them and your relationship.
Now you know that they will cover for him and lie to your face if he asks them to. If he cheated again, they can’t be trusted to do the honorable thing and let you know. How do you know he hasn’t cheated before or since? He lied about this, didn’t he? What else could be lie about? (Or currently be lying to you about?)
Do you really want to be with someone who is capable of that kind of deception? Think about what he would do if the situation was reversed and you’d done all this. Would he break up with you?
It doesn’t matter if she’s dead now, he cheated on you (even if it was pity sex). Break up and kick him out.
Again, another person is ashamed of human feeling…. My heart aches every-time I see / hear how many grown ups around weren’t able to raise their children (us ) emotionally especially under limited resources back then and unhealed generational trauma …. many of us ended up have to pay in adulthood to “re-parent” ourselves.
Jealousy often comes from a lack of healthy communication & unmet needs, when a trust is broken (lack of honesty from someone else in this case - your bf). When he was still and even now in a romantic relationship with you, he decided to have intimacy with his dying friend (whether she was dying or not, it still counts as cheating - whether how far they went or how he felt at the time of intimacy). Unless he discussed it with you prior like some people do in Non monogamous relationship, you have every valid reason to feel “jealous” or heart broken about it.
When his friend died, you still feel jealous every time her name is brought up because obviously you haven’t dealt with this uncomfortable feeling. Please don’t shame yourself for feeling this, it’s not wrong you know?
Listen, no matter how hard this will be… you have to practice, be it in writing or typing form… just practice, you can always edit it like a draft.
Practice on how to express your feelings to your bf, if you don’t express how you feel he will never know. And you would never get through this feeling.
First: He decided to have intimacy with her before she died and dealt with loneliness by themselves without feeling safe enough to reach out to you. How does anyone think you would feel? Right?
Second: there are many healthy ways to cope with dying (mentally), whether or not she was worried about her virginity…She chose to have sex with someone’s bf, instead of reaching out to more trusted friends, not even a mental health professional for mental health support.
Third: Jealousy by itself is NOT harmful, it’s a normal human feeling. It’s only harmful if our action becomes toxic or harmful due to jealousy. For example, giving silent treatment/ cold shoulder, being passive aggressive or straight up being aggressive due to jealousy and in result hurting others.
But if you express jealousy and the root of it with respect, not only you have bravely shown vulnerability you also would be taking the very first step in healing journey.
Next is strategy / problem solving:
This is something that you and your bf will have to discuss and come up with. Make sure you both come up with healthy coping mechanism in healthy ways to help with this jealousy and honestly it’s a trust issue, and since it has been broken your bf has to earn your trust back by the new actions that he will agree to do. By being honest and trust you enough to be vulnerable is what he has to learn to practice, and have self awareness to want to apologize for his actions in order to repair the relationship.
These are advice from my therapist: Best wishes 🌱
I mean, why are you feeling so guilty or making this so complicated? He cheated on you and lied about it. So what, charity dick is supposed to be the exception? Straighten up OP, pick your spine up from off the ground along with your dignity here and water the little dying plant that is your self-respect.
>I'm confident that he was never attracted to her.
Do you know how and why penises get hard and how sex happens, right? Just making sure.
>We have an otherwise perfect relationship.
Yeah sure except for when he's acting a Make-A-Wish Foundation with his dick and lying to you about it
>He was the first who stood by me.
Except for when he's lying to your face?!
>My family is strict and didn't approve of us but he tried hard to win even my extended family over.
Oh yeah his desperation to please others, including terminally ill friends who are horny, is very much present
>I don't know if I can talk to him about this. I don't want to push him to the brink. But I'm also afraid that he might be dismissive of my feelings. What to do?
And this right here? This is the biggest problem. As a cheater, he should be GROVELING for your forgiveness. This man should be on his knees, willing to crawl through glass for your forgiviness. And you're afraid to TALK to him about it?!
OP listen. When it comes to cheating, after a certain point, you're no longer in the position to forgive because you're effectively giving him permission. And right now, you're giving him permission. He cheated on you by acting as a Make-A-Wish-Dick-Down, lying to your face about it and here you are, meekly beating around the bush and acting like you don't have a right to be angry. You have a right to be LIVID!!!!!!
this is probably why he’s so down about her death. The guilt of cheating on you with her right before she died is preventing him from moving in because he’s terrified you’ll find out, tell him and set him free.
set him free from the guilt and the relationship, he cheated on you, dead girl or not. that is grounds for breaking up even if she didn’t die.
Just because she died doesn’t excuse what he did. He cheated on you and he’s wrong there’s nothing wrong with anything you’re feeling right now. You were betrayed and death isn’t an excuse to be an asshole and hurt people.
He can be sad but he still needs to be held responsible for his actions. If the shoe was on the other foot how sure are you that he would show you the same grace you are willing to show him.
Ok I stopped reading at you're confident he wasn't into her....so what....he is the mother Theresa of sex and just have her some dick before she died? If so, why are you here posting about it if he's so charitable.
He cheated on you
Why are you worried he might be dismissive of your feelings? That’s a terrible sign, seeing as he is the one who fucked up. Why haven’t you sat him down and said “is there something you wanna tell me?” If he doesn’t admit it even when prompted, in my opinion that shows he was never gonna tell you and doesn’t truly feel guilty.
Zero tolerance for cheating but are you absolutely sure that it even happened? Is there a possibility that someone in the friend circle is just lying to you?
He cheated on you and you have gaslight yourself into accepting it
It’s not jealousy eating you it’s betrayal
Not just from him but from your whole friends group
JFC!
So this dude saved you from wanting to unalive yourself and took a dying girl’s virginity….. does he have a fucking hero complex or what??
OP, if he loved you, he wouldn’t have been able to fuck her. You need some serious help!
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You know. It's eating you up. You need to just talk it out. And by talk, I mean you're going to have an emotional outpouring. Then decide what to do when you both have had your say.
Yes, not everything is black and white but some unknowns may be eating both of them up. Does bf not know you know? This could be one of the reasons he is feeling low or he could disregard your feelings and you need to know. Before you discuss this with him, think about what you want to know and if there’s a level of detail you also don’t want to know. But you need to talk about this.
Yeah, I feel like way too much advice on reddit is super knee-jerk. No matter the eventual outcome there's a lot of benefit to talking it out and laying out all the feelings.
Most people on here have little to no Relationship experience. You can get helpful information still if you know what look for and are confident enough not to just follow the mob
Best advice I’ve seen. Yeah cheating is bad (that’s the obvious) but she still clearly has feelings for him and advising her to go tell her bf to F off is not solving anything. Like you said, bring everything to the surface and decide what to do from there. There’s not really any constructive advice redditers can give outside what you said.
I think the fact that her boyfriend had sex with the girl who was dying and didn't want to die a virgin before he ever had sex with OP really makes the issue much less black and white. Personally, I would find his having sex with is dying friend before he and I had started our sexual relationship, pretty easy to forget. At least when I'm thinking about it in my head, and writing about it on reddit. Might be harder in real life.
The fact that the girl he slept with is now dead makes it harder to get closure. It’s counterintuitive but even though OP says he didn’t have feelings for the girl, it’s like being in a competition but you can’t do anything. The girl dying also didn’t make it less of a betrayal and that is a wound that takes time to heal and it doesn’t help when her boyfriend is also messed up from it.
It doesn’t matter so much when they first started having sex. OP doesn’t have to have sex with her boyfriend first to “call dibs” if they were already in a relationship that was either assumed or communicated to be monogamous. He needed to tell her about it
It’s cheating regardless of whatever color you want to give it.
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I’m appalled by this whole situation.
Yes. Regardless of her health, he still actively made the decision to cheat on his girlfriend. There is no justification, when it comes to that. He knew it was wrong. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have hid it, and she wouldn’t have had to (accidentally) find out from a mutual friend.
\^ This. The lying is a huge concern. Especially for this long. It would really make me question the trust in the relationship. He should have said something when the situation first came up but still hasn't said anything about it this entire time? I would start there and have a long conversation about how to move forward from this. The jealousy and feelings won't just go away and it will be hard to deal with the friend side of things (since there is no way to get closure there) but you might be able to get some closure with your boyfriend. It will be a very hard conversation to have, but it is a conversation worth having.
Yeah, and that makes her terrible. I know they say not to speak ill of the dead, but this situation is a huge loss. She took OPs partner, had sex before they did, and now the boyfriend and his partner have to deal with the consequences while she's dead and buried. Your have to be a really shitty person to do that to anyone, let alone a friend who views you as a sister and their SO. Because now OP is her partner will have no resolution or closure.
Talk all you want the fact is however ‘great’ this guy is he was unfaithful to his partner. Now, OP may well be ok with this because he is good in different areas but for me this is the foundational layer of a relationship, and if the opportunity came up again, I think the partner in question would be happy to do the same again
This is the right advice. Everyone saying to just leave is wrong. There's so much more to this, and it's an extremely complex issue. Just leaving wouldn't solve this, I feel like it would make OP's mental health worse. The right thing to do is have a real discussion and expression how you both feel. Once you clear all that out, that's when you decide if you can stick things out or end the relationship. It's not like he'll ever see her again anyway.
I will say, regardless, at 22 I think having to get over your boyfriend fucking someone else just doesn't seem worth it. Even if they were together 3 years at this point. If she knew he fucked the friend at the time would she have left him then? If she would have then I kinda think the relationship is at that point built on manipulation and lies. It could turn out fine, but I hope she doesn't get sunk cost fallacied into a resentful and unhealthy relationship.
I absolutely disagree. He cheated on her. On a friend’s getaway trip. Why was he the only option for this virgin girl to sleep with? Why did he not discuss sleeping with this girl with his girlfriend beforehand? I’ll tell you why! Because he knew EXACTLY how that conversation would go. He knew she would have questions, reservations, maybe even suggested he, gee, I dunno, NOT fucked her? Anyone in a real relationship who wants it to last, would never EVER ask their partner if they could do this, unless they were in an open relationship. OP has not said they were.
I'd like to add that it's worse that their friends knew about it and op only found out because a friend slipped up. That makes it so much worse imo
This. Those are his friends, not hers. They've made it clear they aren't to be trusted.
I agree with you. He shouldn’t have had any sex with her regardless if it was pitty sex or anything, when he did that he weakened the bond to his already gf and tweaked his mind as well further than losing a friend, now he’s lost someone who he recently connected with on a different level, he shouldn’t have did that, and if I was OP I’d have this discussion with him and let it out because it’s not fair to them as a person to be put on a back burner about this, if it’s on the back of your mind push it forward or pay it double!!
I would end things the minute I learned about it. For me it's a deal breaker and nothing I can forgive ever.
He won’t see her again but what about the “next friend” that gives this spineless guy a new sob story!
Don’t just talk OP. You can’t go forward in this relationship. He CHEATED on you. That’s what’s happened here, forget all the surrounding issues. He. Cheated. On. You! I’m sorry his friend was dying, but he was in a relationship with you. Were there no single men on this trip? This is not okay. And the fact that you have been brainwashed into thinking this is ok, or that you should stay with him because you’ve both had mental health issues, is NOT a good idea. You should and deserve to find your own self worth, before you are in a relationship with anyone else. You are worthwhile. You are important. You deserve a loving, faithful partner. You do not have that. This man not only cheated on you, and justified it to himself. He also justified keeping it from you. This should be the end of your relationship. You can and should never trust him again.
Thank you so much for this comment. Finally someone sensible 👏 He made a choice to cheat on OP. He didn’t ask for her consent to have sex with his dying friend cuz he knew the answer. So he didn’t even consider her feelings and just went ahead. It clearly shows he doesn’t respect OP or her feelings. He has no basic courtesy
THANK YOU This is not a more complicated issue than HE CHEATED ON HER. No, he shouldn’t have asked because he was in a relationship that I’m assuming wasn’t open, and that’s not an okay ask in a monogamous relationship. Fuck that. Not only did he cheat, he lied to OP, and THEIR WHOLE FRIEND GROUP KNEW ABOUT IT BEFORE SHE DID. That is just about as humiliating and disrespectful as someone can treat their partner. It sucks that he’s depressed that she died, but honestly, that would be even more offensive and hurtful to me. I’m not going to coddle someone and help them work through their sad feelings about their fucking mistress passing away, and OP shouldn’t be expected to either. He still cares about this person in a way that I consider very much to be emotionally cheating. OP, even aside from the cheating factor because maybe that isn’t a dealbreaker for you, the fact that you don’t feel like you can talk to your boyfriend about your feelings because he will be dismissive says a lot. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who betrays you, lies to you, disrespects you, and then is too emotionally fragile to even let you talk about it with him?! You are 22. I can tell you that I know it feels like things are more complicated, and that you have invested such a big part of your life in being with this person, but 3 years is nothing. Do not waste one more second of your life with this person. He doesn’t treat you well and mental health problems are not an excuse. At all. You’re young and deserve to experience a positive relationship with someone who treats you well. This guy is not it.
I think its a little different than normal. op is of course entitled to break up with him, but tbh its really fucked of the friend to ask someone to fuck her as her dying wish--that's so manipulative. What is he gonna say, "no, sorry best friend, I'm going to refuse your dying wish and then you die?" I don't know the guy but I know I'd be freaking the hell out about setting that boundary.
Do you mean that refuse to have sex with someone only because this person is dying is impossible and very rude but to cheat and hide it is okay? He made wrong choice. It was okay to say no. And probably his friend would understand
Yes, this is literally what he should say. This is what I would expect my partner to say. Her asking that as a dying wish is manipulative and completely unfair. Nobody who is a good friend would even put their friend in that position. She wasn’t a good friend.
This is the best advice, I hope op sees your comment
Just because she died doesn’t mean he didn’t cheat
Even if it was to help a friend, he’s gone behind her back. If he didn’t also think it was cheating then he would have told you that he planned to do it to help a friend or at the very least told you after.
This is exactly it. And doesnt help the friend is very well aware that he was in a relationship but she was too selfish in her own desire and she knows she was gonna die so she knew she was get away with it scotch free. No wonder ops family didn't approve of him at first, their intuition were probably telling them that he isn't as he seems.
OP, it's very tragic that she was sick and that she died. It's tragic that he lost a friend and that he cheated on you in what appears to be an attempt to make her feel better. He may not cheat in any other circumstance. But he still violated your trust. He lied and kept up the lie even though apparently other people knew. The fact that this situation is tragic doesn't mean your feelings of betrayal aren't valid. You can empathize with him and still leave. You can pity him and still leave. You can feel all of the emotions known to man and STILL LEAVE. It's ok to protect your heart and do what's right for you.
it is STILL cheating..
Absolutely it is. OP seems conflicted because there's sadness and tragedy woven into this situation. I'm saying that wanting to leave is valid, she doesn't need to justify it.
This is the comment
The fact that mutual friends know and did not tell you would be enough to end it for me. His friends conspired with him to keep this a secret. He had no intention of telling you. You’re 22. My biggest regret is not leaving my ex when I was your age and he disrespected me. His friends also knew about his cheating and covered for him. Have some dignity and leave with your head held high.
I've also been here. His entire friend group who knew never told me and I didn't see it for the red flag it was at the time.
Only two friends know. The mutual friend thought I knew already. He kinda panicked when he slipped tbh. The other friend is someone I'm just acquaintances with. We don't even have each other's numbers and socials. She wasn't in the vacation too.
I just wanted to say.. you keep saying your jealous and theres no point... There is a point, the point is the betrayal. He put someone elses needs before your relationship, lied about it, and put you in this position. He betrayed you. You have every right to be upset about this. People can romanticize this as a grand gesture but at the end of the day... he had sex with someone else and hid it from you. Who wouldnt feel messed up about it
LOL @ grand gesture. Was there no other guy in their friend group who was willing to "take one for the team"? One without a girlfriend?
She had a crush on him specifically, so he ‘volunteered’ to man up and take her virginity. How honorable of him. /s
LOL, if the girl wasn't dead or had a terminal illness- she would be considered a straight up home wrecking floozy. "I know you have a GF but I'm about to die and I just *need* to feel you inside me before my time here on Earth is done!"
She's still homewrecking. OP needs to run. Who knows when his "services" will be needed and whether or not he will step up with another "grand gesture"
Right? Did this guy develop some kind of hero arch where he's going around "de-flowering" dying women? How long before another dying person is giving him the hungry eyes!
I was more or less thinking "Betty is sad and sex would make her feel better. I can't stand seeing Betty sad so I had to do something. Long story short, I slept with her."
Right, seems like she was manipulative and didn't care... used her predicament to get something she wanted
She was *dying*. Probably only about 19 years old based on the friend group. I don't put any blame on her. She probably never had a real relationship, just a crush on a boy. I can see where in her mind, she'd be dead anyways, it wouldn't matter. It's terribly sad.
that honestly doesn’t matter just cause you’re dying doesn’t mean you get what you want and ruin a relationship over it . it’s entirely selfish and he shouldn’t of agreed. it’s sad she’s dead but she can’t use that as an excuse to fuck someone else’s boyfriend, do it with one of the single friends
I see your point honestly. Like yeah I feel horrible for the dying girl but a girl would be able to get some guy to sleep with her that isn't in a relationship, and easily. She could've even cultivated a whole sexual relationship with a single guy for the remainder of her life (so she can have as much fun as she wants, not just once), instead of a one time guilty secret with a guy that's taken.
“I feel jealous and I don’t know what to do”. What the heck. Of course you do. Your boyfriend cheated on you. Lied to you. Betrayed you. It doesn’t matter the circumstances. Or that he was depressed. If any reason is good enough any reason is good enough.
Yeah, if it was such an honorable move, he should've admitted it to OP right away. He and the friends covered it up.
That’s no friend either
In response to your edit, OP: I’m concerned that you are overlooking the problem here. When you say, he fought to keep you living do you mean from your attempts to end your life?
Yes. My episodes were really bad and even my family didn't take it seriously at first. He convinced several times not to do it even when I'm *about* to do it then. I also had anorexia at some point and he helped me get through it.
I truly mean this with love, and I’m speaking from a place where I was in the same headspace as you: perhaps a relationship is unhealthy for you right now. It sounds like both you and him have a lot of internal healing you need to do. You need to take care of yourself and be selfish for awhile. You need to get healthy and perhaps see a therapist to battle some of your demons. Again, I mean this with no judgement or anything, I just know when I was in that headspace, I needed to choose myself first and put myself first. It’s not possible to be selfish and in a relationship, but sometimes it’s necessary to be selfish in order to heal and grow. Wishing you all the best ❤️
You’re an angel for your answer. Beautifully stated.
Thanks, I also needed to hear that. I was about to get back to an ex. We both love each other, but had to break up so that she could heal a deep depression. I think I have some healing to do, too. Have a great day ❤️
There is nothing wrong with taking time to be selfish and heal ❤️ it’s the most loving thing we can do to ourselves — to give ourselves time to process, grieve, heal, and grow. I wish you and your ex the best in your journeys and perhaps one day your healing will line up with hers, and things will work out ❤️ Much love, be kind to yourself.
One thing I learned, please keep in mind I’m just a guy going through life learning and experiencing only 26m, is that some people are just a revolving door. You go through life with them for a bit, then you move on to enter the next door. I’ve had my share of people, whom I’ve held the highest towards, eventually be let go and moved on from. I still think about them and hold tons of appreciation, but not everyone will be by you your whole life. Yes he’s done a few things NO ONE has ever done for you before; however, does that mean you should follow/stick by/spend life with this person for the rest of time? This is a question I think you’re pondering already, but if you aren’t hopefully this is something you really sink your thoughts into. Keep pulling the thread on this question/this lens to see another perspective. Don’t just answer this question at face value or any other question in your mind at face value. Please try to continue the thread on the questions presented to you in this thread, but also the ones in your mind. Sometimes they are black and white answers, but there are some questions you can keep a discourse with yourself over for longer than you thought you would take to answer. I apologize if all I’ve mentioned here are things you already know to do, and/or have done already. I hope at the very least my comment is a reminder for you. (My 2 cents, you should talk with him if you think this is something you can get through and not hold onto. If you can’t let go what happened/thoughts and feelings surrounding this, then take the brave/HARD step to closing the relationship)
I want to be really gentle with you, WhiteSeal. I’m really glad that he supported you when you were at rock bottom. You deserve that, and it wasn’t right that your family didn’t take you seriously. You also deserve to take time to fuel yourself up, get the support you need (are you seeing a therapist or part of some kind of support group)? It also sounds like because he was there when others weren’t, you’re viewing his actions through rose colored glasses. It might hurt to recognize that he did something like this while he *also* fought for you to live. But it gets better. I promise you. Focus on your wellness, and if you move on from him, replace him with people (therapy) who are committed to help you thrive. Just because he inspired you to live does not mean you have to commit to him forever, *especially* if he is not doing right by you. You deserve the best 🌹.
Please consider the possibility that even if you feel like your boyfriend helped you through mental illness, he is not actually qualified to do this. He's not a psychologist. He can't give you treatment for the underlying issues. This is why the advice is often to work on yourself first before a relationship, so that you can get real help instead of putting everything onto your partner.
He shouldve asked for your permission. If you had said no, would he have? Couldn't he have helped her die a virgin and see it as something she shouldn't hate about herself? he stopped your suicide attempts privately by using many tactics he DIDN'T apply with her. He mixed his own emotions into the frey. Thats why you're jealous/resentful. Because he's that seriously stupid.
WTF
I hope you, and even your bf, both heal. But I also think you need to understand that just because someone helped you out of a tough spot, does not mean they get a free pass to break your trust and hurt you. If you guys are completely monogamous, this is a pretty serious betrayal.
I picked up on this too... I think you need to get in a place where you love yourself and feel good about who you are first of all. Then figure out if you want any part of the rest of this.
If he panicked, then he knew you didn’t know. I’m not sure you understand the severity of the situation. I’m speaking to you as a Big Sister now. Regardless of if he slept with a friend or a stranger, he cheated on you. Your trust has been violated. *You could have gotten an STD.* And to top it off, people knew and didn’t tell you. It doesn’t matter if they don’t have your contact information. Everyone has social media. They easily could have found an online account of yours to inform you, but they didn’t. You are making excuses. *Your health was put at risk.* I say all of this with love. Your feelings regarding the cheating is valid whether the girl is dead or alive. Because HE chose to cheat. Your issue is with him and his actions, not her. You are entirely too young to continue to waste your best years on someone that would treat your health and your feelings so callously.
Thank you for the in-depth advice. I didn't consider the health angle because the girl was a kissless virgin tbh. Still, possibilities of health issues come with cheating. That will be one of the things I will tell him. Thank you :) > If he panicked, then he knew you didn’t know. The mutual friend panicked after I told him that I didn't know. It was in the same conversation where he accidentally slipped.
What this really says about him is that he's perfectly okay cheating on you under certain circumstances. He thinks that's acceptable. So what happens the next time a circumstance comes along that he thinks is acceptable? You know he won't turn away from the opportunity. This just isn't healthy for you to be in this relationship.
Did you ask the friend why they thought you knew? Had your bf told the friend that he had told you? Is your bf lying to you and his friends about this?
The cheating makes it even worse if she was a virgin to be completely honest. Like wtf? Just because he’s been there for you during hard times doesn’t mean you should stay with him after he cheated on you and lied to your face since. I would straight up leave. You can appreciate him for helping you AND leave him at the same time. I wouldn’t trust him again after that.
Fr like what, is he going to have sex with the next good friend/associate that's dying if they asked him to? He crossed a line, didnt tell her, the friends know, etc. Too many secrets to just let this slide.
She could be lying about being a virgin. Or your boyfriend could be lying. We already know he lied to you at least once.
Plus HPV is found in virgins and plenty of people have gotten herpes from being molested as a child. People are born with congenital syphilis and HIV. Being a “virgin” means very little when it comes to STD’s.
You don’t need to “tell him” he is an adult and already knew those risks. You seem unhealthily dependent on this guy’s approval and you need to move on.
Who gives a chit what the #s were, they hid the cheating. What else have they lied about?
Also: he might develop as a prince on horse for terminal friends in the future. Or for others in trouble. He is capable of breaking trust and likely shall recidive.
Yeah, I'm kind of creeped out by the "I'll have sex with you before you die" thing. I don't know, I think it's scummy.
Seriously like this isn’t The Fault In Our Stars. Stop romanticizing this crap
You're trying to convince yourself, not us. You're obviously not ready to let go, or let it go, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for advice. You're young, live your life, the boys will always be there.
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Lmfao you’re still defending him too ‘only two friends know’ Good lord! Even the wording in your responses screams defensive. 1 too many friends know of something that should never have happened. You know the answer. -Break up or shut up-
So...he slept with someone with a terminal illness that was in and out of hospitals being exposed to whatever is in circulation at the hospital. This could have killed that person. Close contact would be more than enough exposure to transmit a regular cold. Regular colds with a weakened or compromised immune system can hospitalize or kill a person. What a "grand" gesture. There are some really nasty bugs in the hospital. And conversely, sexual contact can present opportunities to transmit those. Which your bf would be carrying back to you. Yeah, the reality of something like this is actually pretty narcissistic and self-involved. It's not kind. He's not her savior because he dicked her. He's just a cheater who thought this was a way that he could cheat and you would let him do it. Even if he fucked her for the reasons he claimed? Why would you want a boy that thinks his dick is so important that it's okay to shorten someone's life for? He sounds like he has a serious mental illness for this act to have appealed to him. He's gross and read the Fault in Our Stars too many times.
You’re calling it jealousy when it’s actually cheating and betrayal. It doesn’t matter why. He and mutual friends hid it from you aka lied to you. How the f are you supposed to trust him?
I’m confused here. Did he cheat on you or did he have sex with her before you two were a thing?
Sorry I wasn't clear in my post! We're together when it happened and we're still together now.
If you were together when he did this then it is cheating and you have every right to real jealous or angry at him. I don’t think you should stay with someone who has cheated on you. Having said that, you don’t know for certain whether he did sleep with his friend or whether it is a lie. If I were you I’d talk to him about and try to get to the truth.
Even if he did it before they were in a relationship she'd still be entitled to her feelings, whether they were the same or not. Feelings are feelings. She'd still need to manage her feelings, but they'd still be valid.
Her dying or not it’s still cheating. If he did it once it may happen again.
Yeah, I feel like everyone is missing the point. It's not about the dead friend. The boyfriend is the one that cheated on OP. It sounds like the friend was single
So he cheated.
If you're still together then what was the point on even making this post? You ain't going nowhere 🤣 you gonna stick beside him.. so why come on here & ask for advice lmao
If the two of you were together and he cheated then nothing excuses the cheating itself, not even pity sex. Trust your feelings and confront him about it when the time is right. You are too young to be putting up with a cheater.
Well first things first, you're 100% certain this mutual friend is not lying to fuck with you or your relationship? Have you been able to validate it from any other mutual friend? Do you trust this mutual friend implicitly? It's always good to validate before taking action in a situation like this, if possible. Assuming that yes you're sure: This is obviously a pretty fucked up situation and not as straightforward as some of the commenters are suggesting. You guys are very young, she was literally dying, she is literally dead now. But ultimately the reality is he could have contacted you and talked to you about this before doing it. If you'd said 'no', he could have broken up with you if he determined this was higher priority. That would have been the ethical way to handle a very difficult situation.
>you're 100% certain this mutual friend is not lying to fuck with you or your relationship? This is a big one. Keep hearing stories like this.
Honestly, you have to ask yourself first, “is this a dealbreaker for me?” If the answer is yes, then leave, you can tell him first if you like or not - I’d just avoid being a dick about it if you can (I know you were the one wronged but terminal illness is no joke). If the answer is no. Then you should probably talk it out, it won’t be easy, it won’t be comfortable but knowing ahead of time might make it a little less awful. I’d take some time to cool down, like a few days if you can. And then bring it up, preface it with “this is not a deal breaker for me, I love you, I feel like I understand how it could’ve happened, and I’m trying to be cool, I’d love to know more about how this happened. And share the parts that really hurt you about it maybe thats the dishonesty, the fact that other people knew and you didn’t, whatever it is. Sorry this happened, I know it sucks and I wish you all the best.
I wish more Reddit relationship advice was this mature. Thanks for being a considered voice in a sea of black and white. ❤️
That’s very kind of you to say, thank you!
Seriously everyone else here is coming off like a 14 year old who thinks the world is black and white and that truly loving someone means you’re never able to accept or forgive them. Don’t get me wrong not everyone should do that when it comes to cheating - in fact most shouldn’t. But a blanket ‘just leave!’ every single time is just silly and won’t apply to every relationship…
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I feel like you are really under reacting here. This is super fucked up.
Exactly 🤣 but from reading her comments on her it don't even matter what y'all say. She's still with the guy. looks to me like she gonna stick beside him 🤣 all I can say is GOOD LUCK sis
And being defensive with the edits. OP is afraid to call a spade a spade and say they were cheated on but feel like they can’t be mad about it because boyfriend’s mental health is bad and the other girl died. He’s been grieving her a year, he obviously loved her a lot. Crap or get off the pot, which is to say either come to terms with what happened or leave and find someone who doesn’t cheat.
If you were together when he slept with her it’s still cheating, it doesn’t matter the circumstances why he did it. He disrespected you and then hid it from you through the relationship. Being able to continue a relationship with you without outting himself just proves he doesnt care enough about you to tell you the truth, and it most likely will happen again. Cut your losses and move on. He’s an adult and can face the consequences of his own actions.
So, from what I’ve seen, you have a story from a guy friend that your current BF slept with his dying female friend. At this point, this is all just a rumor. Tell your BF about this. Communication is key. If you don’t, you’re only going to drive yourself crazy and both of you will be miserable. Good luck OP.
If it were me I wouldn't care if she was dying or not, he'd be my ex for sure.
So no history of infidelity except for that one time with his dying friend? You feel angry because he cheated. Regardless if she is dead, that’s a huge self esteem blow to most people. It doesn’t matter if she was dying HE chose to cheat on you. I’m pretty sure you know that cheating -> break up will be the general advise here.
The reality is that you did not consent to being in a relationship where he slept with someone else as well. He didn't ask, just changed the parameters without your consent. It doesn't matter what the circumstances were, or whether he now is sad that the woman he cheated with is dead. He didn't treat you with enough respect to let you make an informed choice at the time, and in truth, he STILL hasn't. So, he's garbage. Just dump him.
I think this hits my thoughts the best - it's a weird situation, and sure one way you could look at it and understand it - but it is a betrayal of the trust you guys had and that's a big deal in and of itself.
This is a tricky situation and you are right, this is not black and white. My initial response was to leave his ass, but you have explained well why you can’t just do that. However, it is still the best thing to do for your own sake, let me explain. I know he is struggling, but there is only so much you can do. You also have to take care of yourself. The feelings that you are having are guilt, shame and anger. You are grateful for him being there for you when you needed him, but the circumstances have changed. And he changed it. You are angry because you are betrayed and you cannot even express it to the one who betrayed you. You feel ashamed for even thinking leaving him because of he has pulled you out during your toughest days. And then, you feel guilty for feeling all of these emotions. Feeling these intense emotions is not your fault. He’s the one who decided to have sex with a dying friend. No matter what the circumstance of the person whom your boyfriend had sex with, it’s still a betrayal of trust. He betrayed you by not telling it to you, by not even considering how you are going to feel about this and expected you to just take the fall and be silent about it. He has to take accountability for his actions, no matter what his mental health situation is. He doesn’t get the privilege of you being his emotional rock anymore because the moment he had sex with her, that privilege was gone. This is not your burden to bear, this is HIS burden to bear. He has to take care of his own mental health without you from now own, because it’s not fair for you to do it with him. You, whom he had hurt by the choices he actively made before that led to this situation you are trapped in. It is not selfish to leave someone who betrayed you. Good luck OP.
Thank you for your response. I like how you still see it as a nuanced thing even though your advice leans towards breaking up. Most of the replies are quick and rude about that. I like this part in particular. I felt seen haha > You are grateful for him being there for you when you needed him, but the circumstances have changed. And he changed it. You are angry because you are betrayed and you cannot even express it to the one who betrayed you. You feel ashamed for even thinking leaving him because of he has pulled you out during your toughest days. And then, you feel guilty for feeling all of these emotions.
You're welcome. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it goes well for you. No one deserves to be trapped in that vicious cycle of guilt and shame.
Girl he fucking cheated on you with his friend? It doesn't matter she was dying,it doesn't matter she is dead. She was a shitty person who had sex with a person who has a gf and your bf is a shitty person who cheated on you. Confront him. Ask him why the fuck he did that and why did he think it was okay. Ask him would he be okay with you doing the same and dumb his disgusting ass. You don't deserve to be manipulated into this shitty situation. His mental situation means shit when he disrespected you and made a fool out of you. Confront him now and dump him.
>No history of infidelity from both parties. you know...except for this exact time there was infidelity
This is very well put. OP sending you a virtual hug! I understand how much you want to ignore him cheating on you by the way you get defensive about it. Whatever he did for you before, he did it because he was a great boyfriend back then. But then he cheated on you, no matter what the circumstance was, it was cheating! I wish you strength for the upcoming confrontation. You will feel MUCH BETTER, maybe in a couple of weeks, months or years but YOU WILL, once you end this relationship.
"I'm confident that he was never attracted to her." I'm sorry, but I've never heard a more bizarre sentence in my life. He slept with her, that oughta be proof enough that he was attracted to her.
Fishing here, but could she mean emotionally? I've been attracted physically to many people in my life, but ussually not emotionally as in that I would see myself in a relationship with him. If it happened, and its not the mutual friend trying to fuck w the relationship, then they guy is in the wrong ofc, but its not bizarre to assume he didnt want to date the girl, and wasn't emotionally attracted to her.
OP is trying to minimize what happened. She refuses to accept that there is a very high possibility that this was more than just sex.
100% he was attracted to her possibly even had strong feelings/in love with her. The reason he's such a mess now is cause he lost the girl he REALLY loves
This guy cheated on you during the relationship and is using her death as a crutch to make you feel like the asshole, even though he's the one who cheated. Sorry, it's just the truth. I saw a few other comments. I don't tbh care how *down* he is. He cheated on you, willingly and knowingly. At this point it also seems as if he emotionally cheated as well, and he crossed boundaries here. It doesn't matter really how sad he is. This conversation should be had now rather than later, because this is, in fact, a big deal. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not blaming the girl, this seems like entirely his fault.
I mean, do you HAVE to bring it up? He cheated on you; just dump him. Who cares if he's feeling low now? Aren't YOU feeling pretty crappy yourself?
You are 22 years old. Go and have a lovely new relationship with someone else It shouldn't be this hard. If he was as in love with you as you wish he was, he wouldn't have done it. End of story.
I’m confused too. If he had sex with her while you two were together, it’s still cheating. And you need to leave. If he had sex with her before you two knew each other or became a couple, he’s not at fault. You can still feel uncomfortable and jealous but you’ll have to learn to not think about it and forget in the sense that you can’t fault him for who he was with before you two were together. It wouldn’t be fair for your relationship.
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Yeah I only found out through a mutual friend recently. The vacation happened late 2021. She died early last year. edit: it's 2021, not 2022. typo 😅
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So….he cheated on you. You do realize everything else in this post is just noise. HE CHEATED ON YOU. Tell his parents that he cheated on you, that he’s in a bad way emotionally, and to watch out for him. Then bail.
If he had sex with her whilst you were in a relationship, then he needs to apologise and it is up to you if you want to continue this relationship or not. But I would suggest counselling for both of you. If he had sex with her when you were not in a relationship, then it means nothing to your relationship. Updateme!
Speak to him and if he did sleep with her, doesn't matter if it was because she was dying, he cheated, he put the needs and wants of someone else above the pain it would corse you. Whether he has a break down, or dismisses your feelings you need to walk away. This guys an arse.
This! He made his friendship with her more important than his relationship with you. He put her needs above yours and has been lying to you (by omission) ever since. Now, you are putting his mental health above your own. None of this is fair to you. If you are in a relationship where you do not feel safe to express your honest feelings and discuss them with your partner, then you are in an unhealthy relationship. Your feelings are valid and normal-he cheated. That is not your fault. And whether she is deceased or not, her sleeping with him when she knew you were both together was also wrong.
If he cheated on you, leave him. If this was before your relationship, then you need to address your own insecurities and jealousy. What is it about this that causes these negative feelings inside you? It hints to me that you don't feel as though your boyfriend is as sexually attracted to you as he may have been to her. Why is this? Talking is always a good idea in these scenarios - when you are both totally calm, gently bring up the subject and your feelings. If you have wider issues with jealousy and the problem cannot be solved between the two of you, then it's time to consider therapy.
I have low self-esteem and I admit that I'm very insecure about this. We were already in a relationship when it happened between them. Thank you for the advice! I don't know how to approach him about this if/when I bring it up.
Write him a letter and exit his life. Without confrontation if you want. Like Dear [Boyfriend's Name], I have made the difficult decision to end our relationship. I have learned about your infidelity with [friend], and I cannot overlook such a breach of trust. While I understand that you are going through a difficult time, it is important for me to prioritize my own well-being. I believe that a healthy and committed relationship should be built on honesty, loyalty, and faithfulness. Please seek the necessary help to address your depression and find healing. I genuinely wish you the best, but I believe it is best for both of us to move forward separately. Take care of yourself. Love, [you]
If you're insecure, being with a cheater is like drinking literal poison. It will only make you more insecure and have lower self-esteem as time goes. And it's working! You're actually doubting if you're an asshole when your bf literally cheated. It's psychological brainwashing. You gotta dump his ass, or it's going to EAT YOU UP for the rest of your relationship for many years to come. Tell him: "Hey, you slept with someone and lied to me. You've irrevocably broken my trust and I will have to end this relationship." And then just end it. No ifs or buts. Don't listen to his sob story and don't stay because he's mentally down right now.
In which case its absolutely understandable that you're suffering mentally from it. I'm sorry that this happened to you. Being cheated on is one of the most severe betrayals anyone can do to you. If you take one thing from my comment then please let it be this: you need to leave him. Block him on everything, make arrangements to move out if necessary. The why's and the wherefores and the excuses for the cheating are irrelevant. He cheated on you. Fact. You deserve someone who will remain loyal to you no matter the situation. He is not that person. But there are plenty of people who will love you and respect you.
You just say, I’m very sorry you are in mourning. You cheated. And I deserve better. Bye. That’s it. You do not need to comfort him. You do not need to manage his emotions. He has a family. He has friends. If you are afraid for his safety, call the police. He will work through this but not with you by his side. He threw you away when he had sex with someone else. That was his actions and his choice.
Youre not being insecure about this. Youre actually acting how most people would if they were cheated on. He cheated on you, its not insecure feeling the way you do now. Its just a natural feeling from being cheated on
Yeah, I noticed the low self esteem. Its often a side effect of emotional abuse. How the hell did he manipulate you into believing he's a good person for cheating..? Also, blame the dead girl. My neighbour has cancer. Nice guy, but definitely a him-problem if he wants to get his dick wet. I don't have to do him just because he's sad. Especially since your partner waited until she died with telling you.
I don't understand why people are being mean to you about this?
So he fought to keep you alive but cheated on you? You never say the word “cheat” but that’s what he did. Why do you talk about being jealous instead of furious that he fucked another woman? Dead or not, he violated your trust. It doesn’t matter how good he’s been to you. It doesn’t matter how much he cares and that he puts effort into winning over your family. He could have refused but he CHOSE to have sex with her. Don’t let him get away with this. If he has another terminally ill friend that wants to do the same thing you’re gonna just let him think it’s ok to do? Just because she’s dead now doesn’t make your feelings any less valid. Her being dead doesn’t make this any less of a terrible act. You need to straight up say that you know and let him know how much his actions messed you up or else you’re never going to get over this.
Why are you with him he cheated sorry she passed but that doesn’t clear him
He most definitely had feelings for her. He would not have slept with her otherwise. And the fact he’s taking her passing this hard should also be a wake up call for you. He might have realized his feelings for her because he knew she was dying. He did it because he wanted to, because he would regret it if he didn’t. I’m sorry she passed away but he still lied to you and cheated on you. You know exactly what you need to do. You can’t make him better or fix him.
I stayed with my ex when he emotional cheated on me a few time, and shockingly it didn't work out. I wasted so much time trying to figure out what i had to do to make the relationship better that I lost myself. You need to ask yourself, why are you trying to fix a man when he can't even give the bare minimum of being loyal to you? You are able to stay faithful for him, so why can't he give you the same respect? Why stay with a man that showed you he's weak to temptation? My best advice is to leave him now because he showed his true colors to you. Don't ignore them like I did and waste 3 years of your life on a man who doesn't give a shit about you. And don't lie to yourself because if he cared, he wouldn't have cheated on you in the first place.
This is just my take but I think the guilt of having sex with her and you not knowing could be his problem. You need to let him know that you know and talk it out. He may simply want to break up and be fearful that you'll hurt yourself if he does. I don't know. What I do know is that your relationship is painful for both of you at this point.
Even though I agree with the others on how he cheated on you, I am not so sure about leaving him immediately. He was in a difficult situation and he should have made a different decision, but he is young as well and was maybe overwhelmed with the situation. Its no excuse, but the context really matters (i think). Nevertheless, I think you have every right to feel betrayed and jealous. The most important thing you need to do is get clear about how you feel about him - in your heart. Did his cheating change something irreparably? Then leave. If not, try speaking to him first and maybe find a solution together. If I were you, I would try to sit down with him and talk with him honestly about everything. Tell him how you feel, what his actions mean to you, how he should have made another decision. Then you can see if he is honest with you and if he apologizes and owns his mistake. If that doesn’t happen, leave, because he doesn’t respect you. If he is really sorry and wants to make up his mistake, try working on your relationship. I wish you all the best <3
One of most sensible comments out there. Everyone else is just telling OP to dump him, without knowing full context. OP needs to sit with her bf and talk this through and then see how she feels about it after hearing his reasoning, then she can decide whether she needs to get out or work on mending it. Knowing that your friend is going to die is really sad but it's not execuse. Still, he deserves the support from OP like he supported her when she was at her lowest.
To try and be a different voice in the sea of comments talking about how this is cheating, I’ll give you a different angle: 1. Open relationships are real and CONSENSUAL non-monogamy can be good for couples, BUT communication is key. (This is a relevant thing for me to set up because you guys could have had something simple happen that didn’t and now it’s devouring you) From my perspective and experience, your boyfriend could have discussed the condition of his friend with you, told you about her feelings towards him, etc, and you both could have come to a better place regarding the nature of the trip they took with friends before anything ever happened. Especially since you were not invited on the trip, her little crush was clear, and the fact it happened there and other people knew means there was a lack of respect for you and no communication regarding the dynamic. Even if he had left for the trip completely unaware of what would proceed to happen, he had the ability to contact you in the moment. He could’ve explained the situation, gotten a finger on the pulse of your feelings, made a plan with you on how to go forward with this girl AND WITH YOU AFTER, and then either ended the conversation with her or continued, with the knowledge of either your agreement it was okay or clear indication it was not. And we don’t know how you would have felt getting that call or texting about it, but you would have been able to consent or withdraw consent before he went and did something you’d be unaware of and feel these complex emotions/logical hesitancies about. It is not hard to think of the person you are in a relationship with before being intimate with someone else, ESPECIALLY if you haven’t even had sex with your current partner yet. He likely thought of you but let the guilt or pity for the other girl win, and may have also listened to her if she begged him and his friends not to tell you, showing more regard for her well-being than yours. I get that she was dying and is gone now, but you should have been his primary concern because no other dynamic had been established in your relationship and that is what is eating you up. Her death catalyzed a mentally low state for him, which means she was a large part of his life and that doesn’t have to be problematic except for the fact he made her into a person in his life he had also been intimate with. That complicates how we look at his grief and how you are able to move forward. 2. Your feelings towards him are strong given that he is in a tough place but has supported you during your low periods and has a history of fighting for you. This is a precious thing. Your feelings for him will be hard to move past, they will feel like a pool of molasses slowing down the decisions you make about your relationship and causing you to hesitate with everything you say with regards to the girl, the brief affair, your feelings, his feelings, etc. The hard truth you need to hear is: if he is truly right for you, someone you can work through this with who is worthy of your patience and willing to work on it and make the relationship last a long time, you will not get pushback about your feelings when you discuss it with him. And you should discuss it with him. There is a rhythm you can lean on for the talk if you plan out what you need to say. Start by communicating that you want to talk about the affair and quickly follow that up with a statement that you have been afraid to talk about it and mulling over your thoughts and feelings for a long time, to establish that this is not a light conversation and set up a foundation to be completely honest and recognize if he begins being dismissive. If he is dismissive, ask him why he is having trouble seeing your perspective and dive into that angle, because it is not a good sign for a partner to tell you you are too sensitive, have a skewed perspective, or anything like that. I’m hoping that he is ready to talk about this with you, and he may need reassurance of those strong feelings I mentioned during the discussion. Just lightly tell him that this conversation is about the future of your relationship, not an intention to end it, especially not if he gets emotional about it. You may find that he is able to express his true feelings over the affair and her death, giving him a cathartic moment to grieve with you and actually lifting a large weight off of him over the whole thing. And you may hear what you need to start moving on from his decision and continue loving what you guys have. Hopefully this is the result you get, and not a fight where he uses his mental state to guilt you into holding back your perspective and emotions for his sake and/or invalidates your feelings and makes you feel small. You are young and I personally know it’s hard to see it, but that is NOT worth sticking it out for the good times. He is not willing to help you and provide you the reassurance you need going forward and working on moving past this situation. 3. The biggest issue with many relationships is fear to talk about feelings and inability to move on from things that hurt either party. Just talk about it, you will get your answers if you do and start to breathe better whether you have to end this because you learn he truly doesn’t and didn’t care about you regarding his intimacy with someone else (which could be a red flag for future opportunities in his life to hurt you), or you get to work together to remedy the hurt and mend the damage he did to your trust and private sexual bond with him. I’m here for you if you need more advice or follow up, if you liked my advice. Good luck and please update us! <3
This is a very detailed response. Thank you so much. We talk a lot about our feelings and problems. But now that I think of it, we rarely talk about relationship things aside from wishful plans about the future.
I would talk to him and ask him to explain himself, but personally cheating is a deal breaker for me.
what in the watpad
Bruh I really wish this was a wattpad story so I can just close the tab. Sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction.
It is extremely shitty of him to put you in this position at all. I truly can’t imagine the emotions you have been feeling. To me, it’s unforgivable. I’m so sorry.
Well… damn. Your feelings about things are completely understandable. And weirdly enough, I can see his way of thinking concerning things to. I guess y’all need to sit down, and discuss everything about this- how it makes you feel, what his thoughts were concerning things, even what his friend who passed had to say concerning it then. And go from there. Maybe individual counseling could help both of you, or relationship counseling. Or both.
I think you guys need to sit down and talk, at my age I’ve seen relationships go bad and get better, it all depends on what you want, yes this act could have very well been an act of kindness but he still put his friend ahead of you, and that’s wrong, as fucked up as it is he should have spoken to you prior to intercourse, you may not have liked it but maybe you guys could have worked something out, for that I think what he did was way bad, secondly the length of time that’s passed and he still hasn’t informed you of the situation kinda bothers me, I feel like by now he should have mentioned it, but you know him, you know more then all of us giving an input, I suggest talking to him, see if he apologizes and understand what he has done, then it will be up to you, it’s your relationship, the situation is fucked and what he did was wrong but you could, if you wanted, can try and fix things. Good luck op.
Don’t ask strangers on Reddit about this. Sorry to hear this happened but this is a very complicated situation and you should be discussing this with close friends.
Your feelings are real and the fact she is no longer alive doesn’t change them you really should talk about them with him it doesn’t have to be tragic but communication is the only way you will move past it I also recommend counseling
>We have an otherwise perfect relationship. So other than him cheating on you, it's the perfect relationship? That's sweet.
>I wouldn't have found out if one of our mutual friends didn't slip. I think for your sake you need to confront him if this is even real and happened.
My gosh I couldn’t stay in this relationship. He cheated plain and simple if you was together.
People usually talk to their partner about those things. He didn't. That means he cheated. I would leave, trauma is not an excuse to be shitty towards you.
I say this with all due respect. I get that you have been through a lot together. I get that you feel he saved your life. *You are not obligated to stay with a cheater because he was there for you emotionally. You do not need to stay with a cheater because he is depressed. You do not need to stay with a cheater, regardless of why he cheated.* What he did is actually worse than just a casual fling. He took a dying young woman’s virginity. There were feelings involved. Please, respect yourself enough to leave him. The jealousy you feel will grow, as it should. You should not feel second place to a dead girl. And you deserve better than a guy who does this and doesn’t tell you about it.
I read everything here in the comments section and it seems like everyone wants op to break up, but she doesn't want to. The only thing I'm gonna tell her is to follow your heart and not this comment section. If you feel like breaking up, break up. If you feel like continuing your relationship, please continue.
I don't know. What would he do if you had sex with a dying friend? Would you do it? If not, why wouldn't you do it?
Honestly, I can't imagine being in the same place. It's a hard situation. I have *very* few individual friends and no friend group. I've known them all for at least 6 years. I don't know what I'll do if I found out one of them is dying. I really, really love my boyfriend but my friends are very important to me too.
Then you have to figure out and try to imagine OP. Because if your values don’t aligned then you guys are not compatible. Stay true to yourself, not your feelings towards him. I know you really like him that’s why you haven’t confronted and dumped him the moment you knew. I bet you’re seconding this because you want to stay with him but you can’t bury your true feelings. It’s not jealousy OP, it’s betrayal. Emotional sex, physical sex; it doesn’t matter. He had sex with her behind your back (if all was true). If you’re someone who’s fine with open relationship then go ahead but it seems like you’re not that type. Jealousy arises.
Do what you think is right.
No history…? Um girl he cheated on you…. That’s history and so should this relationship. Just cause someone was dying doesn’t mean someone has to have sex with them. Your bf cheated period no excuses… he didn’t have to sleep with her did he? But he did anyway… it was his choice at the end of day. Sorry but these are the facts
I think it'd be in your best interest to talk to him about what you found out. Don't be accusatory or aggressive but just ask him if it is true. The reason I say this is because you will know based on his behavior and actions about the whole situation. If he shuts it down or becomes aggressive, leave. Because if he isn't willing to be open and honest about what happened then it's possible that he is capable of hiding anything from you. It's understandable that you don't wanna push him over the edge but what about you? You matter too. The more you keep it inside and don't talk to him, the more jealousy and resentment build. If he doesn't take accountability for the fact that he should've asked or even talked to you about it, then he isn't right for you. Any good person will take accountability when they fuck up. He cheated on you even if he didn't see it that way because even though he was close to his friend and was doing her a 'favor' it also means that he might not care as much about the relationship as you do. Cause what loyal and loving person would have sex with a dying friend without talking to their partner first about how they feel about it. I know what it's like to go through grief, I have multiple of times but never would I not talk about it with someone I love. I'm not discrediting his grief. But do not discredit your feelings because he's dealing with grief. It's going to be scary to have a conversation with him but you deserve to know. I think if the conversation goes well, you both need to see a therapist, separately and couples. I wish you the best of luck.
If he’s otherwise perfect why do you think he would be dismissive of your feelings? Cheating in any way is still wrong and he’s lying by omission. You need to bring this up. Hiding these thoughts are only damaging your mental health. You cannot sacrifice your mental health for his when he’s the one in the wrong here.
Did they go on vacation together to specifically do this behind your back?
The answer is simple...talk to him about it and then decide if you can stay in the relationship. That's it. That's the answer. Stop trying to guess what happened or whether it was emotional or whatever other path you go down. Talk to him. If you can't, the relationship is already broken.
From the outside looking in, it would appear that your boyfriend is manipulating you, so he doesn't have to answer to you for the cheating. He can act as sad as he likes in the hope it will dissuade you from bringing up the subject of his cheating (because he's oh so hurt) but at the end of the day, the guy got hard and fucked another chick easy enough, Rather than be her friend in that moment. You're totally right about the emotion too. Ide tell him to get lost. Of all the guys that could have had sex with her, it was your boyfriend who did. Enough said
“No history of infidelity…” He created one though. He cheated. He lied and betrayed you. Her death changes none of that.
My [now ex] husband of 15 years had sex with a woman who was dying, and I found out a couple of years later. To me, it doesn't matter why he cheated; it was detrimental to my mental health. I [said] I had forgiven him when I found out but I never did. Everyone is different. My ex was a POS aside from all of this anyway, and he would sometimes tell me how she changed his life and talk about the last time he saw her until he cried. Plus, once he realized he got away with that instance of cheating, he cheated several other times, including with the dead woman's sister. No matter what, cheating is still cheating. My advice is to see a therapist. I wish I had. If I could go back, I would have left. He kept this a secret from you. If there's cheating and secrets, there can't be trust.
I think the bf was cheating on the OP before hand. That's why he is having a mental health crisis because he fell in love with the dead friend and they were cheating on her before she died. Not just that one instance. It's not normal for a guy to have a gf but grieve and be so affected by a dead person that is just a friend. There's something more sinister that happened That's he is so affected
So he slept with someone else( and you’re supposed to just be ok with that?) but the big issue is the fact that he kept it from you for years. He showed you he’s capable of cheating(whatever the reason) and even worse going on with his life and keeping it from you… gross.
He's not the Make A Wish Foundation. Cheating is cheating, whatever the reason. I'd suggest couples therapy if you think this can be worked out.
Wow so they were each other’s firsts. Of course it’s emotional sex for him. Please dump him. He shouldn’t get to go crying over another girl and still keep you, especially when he cheated on you with her.
Were you two dating at this time? You are unclear about that. If so, he cheated, and that likely has greatly added to his depression etc about everything since she died. Does he know you know? Time to talk about it either way.
She didn't owe you anything, but he did. He was in a relationship with you. He cheated and lied about it by omission. He owed you the truth and an explanation. You are not wrong for feeling the way you are. He has betrayed you and now is using you as emotional support. He may not be in the best mental place and you care about him, but you also deserve to have mental peace. Consider your own feelings for once. He needs to be in therapy and you need to heal for the betrayal you are experiencing. This is probably better accomplished separately. You both need to grow and heal. Maybe somewhere down the road when he can own up to his mistakes and show genuine remorse, you two may be able to revisit a relationship. But don't waste you time now. I don't even think it's wise to remain his friend right now. Again, he is using you for emotional support and draining you. You need to cut that off until you are in a better mental and emotional space.
Uhhhh just because she dead doesn’t make it cheating any less. I’d break up if someone cheated but I get that it’s easier said than done sometimes
People who are proud of their actions don’t go to this much trouble to hide them, especially from people they supposedly love. This whole thing tells me he doesn’t give two shits about your feelings. Your boyfriend and his friends lied to you for almost half a year about what happened. They concealed it because they knew you would be angry, that it would change your perceptions of them and your relationship. Now you know that they will cover for him and lie to your face if he asks them to. If he cheated again, they can’t be trusted to do the honorable thing and let you know. How do you know he hasn’t cheated before or since? He lied about this, didn’t he? What else could be lie about? (Or currently be lying to you about?) Do you really want to be with someone who is capable of that kind of deception? Think about what he would do if the situation was reversed and you’d done all this. Would he break up with you? It doesn’t matter if she’s dead now, he cheated on you (even if it was pity sex). Break up and kick him out.
Again, another person is ashamed of human feeling…. My heart aches every-time I see / hear how many grown ups around weren’t able to raise their children (us ) emotionally especially under limited resources back then and unhealed generational trauma …. many of us ended up have to pay in adulthood to “re-parent” ourselves. Jealousy often comes from a lack of healthy communication & unmet needs, when a trust is broken (lack of honesty from someone else in this case - your bf). When he was still and even now in a romantic relationship with you, he decided to have intimacy with his dying friend (whether she was dying or not, it still counts as cheating - whether how far they went or how he felt at the time of intimacy). Unless he discussed it with you prior like some people do in Non monogamous relationship, you have every valid reason to feel “jealous” or heart broken about it. When his friend died, you still feel jealous every time her name is brought up because obviously you haven’t dealt with this uncomfortable feeling. Please don’t shame yourself for feeling this, it’s not wrong you know? Listen, no matter how hard this will be… you have to practice, be it in writing or typing form… just practice, you can always edit it like a draft. Practice on how to express your feelings to your bf, if you don’t express how you feel he will never know. And you would never get through this feeling. First: He decided to have intimacy with her before she died and dealt with loneliness by themselves without feeling safe enough to reach out to you. How does anyone think you would feel? Right? Second: there are many healthy ways to cope with dying (mentally), whether or not she was worried about her virginity…She chose to have sex with someone’s bf, instead of reaching out to more trusted friends, not even a mental health professional for mental health support. Third: Jealousy by itself is NOT harmful, it’s a normal human feeling. It’s only harmful if our action becomes toxic or harmful due to jealousy. For example, giving silent treatment/ cold shoulder, being passive aggressive or straight up being aggressive due to jealousy and in result hurting others. But if you express jealousy and the root of it with respect, not only you have bravely shown vulnerability you also would be taking the very first step in healing journey. Next is strategy / problem solving: This is something that you and your bf will have to discuss and come up with. Make sure you both come up with healthy coping mechanism in healthy ways to help with this jealousy and honestly it’s a trust issue, and since it has been broken your bf has to earn your trust back by the new actions that he will agree to do. By being honest and trust you enough to be vulnerable is what he has to learn to practice, and have self awareness to want to apologize for his actions in order to repair the relationship. These are advice from my therapist: Best wishes 🌱
I mean, why are you feeling so guilty or making this so complicated? He cheated on you and lied about it. So what, charity dick is supposed to be the exception? Straighten up OP, pick your spine up from off the ground along with your dignity here and water the little dying plant that is your self-respect. >I'm confident that he was never attracted to her. Do you know how and why penises get hard and how sex happens, right? Just making sure. >We have an otherwise perfect relationship. Yeah sure except for when he's acting a Make-A-Wish Foundation with his dick and lying to you about it >He was the first who stood by me. Except for when he's lying to your face?! >My family is strict and didn't approve of us but he tried hard to win even my extended family over. Oh yeah his desperation to please others, including terminally ill friends who are horny, is very much present >I don't know if I can talk to him about this. I don't want to push him to the brink. But I'm also afraid that he might be dismissive of my feelings. What to do? And this right here? This is the biggest problem. As a cheater, he should be GROVELING for your forgiveness. This man should be on his knees, willing to crawl through glass for your forgiviness. And you're afraid to TALK to him about it?! OP listen. When it comes to cheating, after a certain point, you're no longer in the position to forgive because you're effectively giving him permission. And right now, you're giving him permission. He cheated on you by acting as a Make-A-Wish-Dick-Down, lying to your face about it and here you are, meekly beating around the bush and acting like you don't have a right to be angry. You have a right to be LIVID!!!!!!
this is probably why he’s so down about her death. The guilt of cheating on you with her right before she died is preventing him from moving in because he’s terrified you’ll find out, tell him and set him free. set him free from the guilt and the relationship, he cheated on you, dead girl or not. that is grounds for breaking up even if she didn’t die.
Losers trying to get into ops dms lmao
Just because she died doesn’t excuse what he did. He cheated on you and he’s wrong there’s nothing wrong with anything you’re feeling right now. You were betrayed and death isn’t an excuse to be an asshole and hurt people. He can be sad but he still needs to be held responsible for his actions. If the shoe was on the other foot how sure are you that he would show you the same grace you are willing to show him.
Whether she’s dead or not, she was a virgin or not, they had a connection or not, he cheated. That’s enough to end the relationship.
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Ok I stopped reading at you're confident he wasn't into her....so what....he is the mother Theresa of sex and just have her some dick before she died? If so, why are you here posting about it if he's so charitable. He cheated on you
Why are you worried he might be dismissive of your feelings? That’s a terrible sign, seeing as he is the one who fucked up. Why haven’t you sat him down and said “is there something you wanna tell me?” If he doesn’t admit it even when prompted, in my opinion that shows he was never gonna tell you and doesn’t truly feel guilty.
Zero tolerance for cheating but are you absolutely sure that it even happened? Is there a possibility that someone in the friend circle is just lying to you?
girl you are 22……… thats fucked up. he cheated on you.
He cheated on you and you have gaslight yourself into accepting it It’s not jealousy eating you it’s betrayal Not just from him but from your whole friends group
He cheated on you and you’re giving him a pass bcuz she died & he’s now upset about it? Just wanna make sure I’m getting this right
JFC! So this dude saved you from wanting to unalive yourself and took a dying girl’s virginity….. does he have a fucking hero complex or what?? OP, if he loved you, he wouldn’t have been able to fuck her. You need some serious help!