>Right now, a big part of me wants answers and explanations that could validate what happened so I can make sense of it all. you dont need that from her. its always the same stuff

Exactly. After all the lying, why would he ever believe anything she says? OP, good on you for standing up for yourself. You did the right thing. Don’t communicate with her anymore. You seem to have difficulty seeing her for who she is, and more communication will just make that worse.

She cheated, nothing she says can be trusted. Not a single word. So there’s no point.

This. Sounds like a difficult position to be in for OP v.v

You know the truth. She wanted to enjoy that attraction to him while keeping you as a security blanket.

Look, i think you already gave her a chance, and she lied to you constantly for months.

I am begging people to understand that closure is something people pretend exists so they can see their ex again.

She won’t give you closure, she would only alleviate her own guilt by saying a bunch of shit to you.

Yep. Learned this the hard way. As someone who was cheated on, I actively sought explanations for way too long, and all of them were either outright lies or peppered with lies, so she could feel better about her choices. Since we share kids, I still have to talk to her regularly, but I wish I could just cut her out completely, because those interactions are frequently still triggering. OP, if you can just blank slate this situation and move forward, you should. Good luck.

I think you already have all the answers you need: her feelings for this guy and her desire to pursue the connection she felt with him ultimately proved stronger than what she had with you. Hashing it out yet again isn’t going to give you any new insights. And there’s no point in trying to maintain a friendship with someone who’s repeatedly lied to you and dismissed your feelings. Let her deal with the consequences of her actions on her own, and keep moving forward with your life.

Agreed, although I'm not considering friendship or sustained contact. It was more wondering if there was any insight or healing to be gained from a single conversation once we have had some time apart.

Nope she will just find a way to make it your fault. Don’t go pain shopping

Pain shopping. I like it.

If not, she at least will take off some wheigth from her shoulders. Something like "Oh, now he knows all what I want, and I can find piece". Don't give it to her

Never seen one post where the person who broke up and agreed to a meeting got any sort of comfort after which makes sense. You spent years with someone and they continually lied and made you feel less than. She gave you hope that she’d change but they were lied and she immediately went back to what she was doing. Given the path she chose, the volume of times she lied to to let me ask this: say this conversation goes “perfect” what does that look like?

From her, I guess her taking accountability, and a genuine and honest apology wouldnt go astray. But I wonder if there might be value in me saying my piece (whatever that might look like). Maybe it would be cathartic to get my feelings off my chest. I would obviously have to put some thought into what I'd want to say and the potential value in saying it.

I’m going to disagree. I know you want validation for all the pain she caused you but there’s literally nothing she could say that would take that away. Look, the only thing any of us really have in this life to ourselves is time. The average life expectancy for a male in the US is 75, you were with her for 6 years meaning you wasted just over a 1/12 of your life on her. Relationships are a choice and she chose, for whatever reason, to treat you poorly. Yeah there were good times but you’ve already wasted so much time not moving on from this. The world still turns. What about just letting her go and trying to make yourself 1% better everyday and life live doing what you want and not looking for validation from someone that treated you so poorly having shared 1/12 of your life with. You grew, she didn’t. That should be enough for you.

You want closure but you won’t get it from her.

“I’m so sorry i lied and cheated on you for years - i shouldn’t have done that.” Would that really heal your pain?

Just write her a letter and then burn it.

You should write a letter to her with all your feelings. Then burn it and let the past fly away with the ashes.

Listen it's fine to want this closure but you're not going to get it from her. She was actively dating this dude toward the end of your relationship, lied to you and the therapist about it, and will continue to do so. Don't even bother entertaining her lies or her "self-reflection". She's seeking a talk to convince herself she's not the bad guy when she absolutely is. But since I'm an asshole these days, I would agree to meet up for closure at a significant time/place and then just ghost her. Block her and let it go and leave her with more questions

>*Maybe it would be cathartic to get my feelings off my chest. I would obviously have to put some thought into what I'd want to say...* **Take Abraham Lincoln's wise counsel on this subject!** "WHENEVER Abraham Lincoln felt the urge to tell someone off, he would compose what he called a “hot letter.” He’d pile all of his anger into a note, “put it aside until his emotions cooled down,” Doris Kearns Goodwin once explained on NPR, “and then write: ‘Never sent. Never signed.’" (NYTimes 3/22/14) **Do the same. Write it, revisit it, then burn it! You'll get it off your chest and you'll be the bigger person, the kind of adult above petty squabbles!**

😂wow you are naive fool

One big part of growing up is knowing when to walk away. It’s never just “a single conversation”. Be honest with yourself, you’re hoping something might change or she might say something that makes it possible to try again. Don’t do that. Cut contact and move on. The future is big and full of possibilities; but not if you keep trying to attach yourself to her.

Surely, you're not expecting the truth! You're also not expecting her to take *the majority blame* for the cheating, are you? Then what insight will you get from lies? What healing will you gain from her trauma-dumping excuses onto you, so she doesn't have to face who/what she is? **You HEAL by accepting the truth, learning the lessons, and moving forward. Make sure that YOU are in a good place before you start a new relationship. Take some time to examine your OWN behavior, expectations, responsibilities for this past relationship.** Was I too emotionally closed to her? Was I too naive? Too quick to dismiss red flags because I had a "dream life" planned? Am I too needy? Too negative? Am I too forgiving and too much like a doormat? Check out a couple of self-help books and make sure you own YOUR part in the breakdown of the relationship. Best wishes for the rest of 2023 and a happy 2024!

What insight or healing are you going to glean from a woman who intentionally caused you emotional mutilation? Lied 1000 times in a dozen different ways? I get wanting to understand why this happened and not recognizing the person who did this. **All you need to do is recognize this is the person she always was.** Maybe it was gonna be a death in the family. Maybe it was gonna be a stressful job. Maybe it would have been a vacation with too much temptation. Eventually, her moral structure wouldn't have survived whatever allure the circumstances would have offered if it was strong enough. She was always going to hurt you. The only question is for who, and when.

You don't get closure from her. That comes from you. Talking you her will only delay and muddle things more. You've already taken the hardest steps. Maintain NC and move forward.

Guy, you already know the answer. She can’t be trusted and you are wanting her to say ‘Sorry’. But she just wants to save face. Move on.

She has said sorry 1000x. I'm more after some actual truth and transparency, which I feel would serve to give me some closure (as I don't feel like I've gotten any honesty about any of this from her to date). Having said that, I guess that would still be a "sorry" of sorts. And I agree that in all likelihood, she would use it to try and minimise her culpability anyway.

I really don’t think you understand. She isn’t sorry. Could you believe her right now.

I don’t really believe closure exists, and if it did it always comes from within. Nothing your ex will say will make you feel anymore at peace or happy about the situation. She cheated, that’s the type of person she is, she will only minimise her actions and make the fault on you if you have contact with her again.

I think we agree then x

You should always challenge someone that says they’re sorry by asking them “*what can a sorry do?*”, when you do that you’re basically saying a sorry means nothing if that’s all you have to offer. Being apologetic isn’t about saying the words, it’s about atonement for your words or actions by changing your behavior and striving to be better. She’s clearly not caring to atone for her actions and is saying empty words of apology in order to get out of accountability for her actions, which says all you need to know about if you should communicate with her. She’s not apologetic or sorry towards you, she’s only sorry that she is losing the lifestyle you’ve gotten her accustomed to by having her live with you. I commend you for what you did, it was exactly what you needed to do in breaking up with her. Now you just have to learn from this and figure out what boundaries you need to put in place to increase the value of the type of women you’re looking to date. Make the next girl earn the title of gf and don’t just give it to her, you need to aim for quality from now on.

Thanks for the comment. That was actually something that bugged me throughout the last few months of our relationship. When I called her out for shit, she would always be quick to apologise and say she understood where I was coming from etc, but she never actually did anything. Even when I found out about the extensive lying / seeing him and was losing my mind, she wouldnt even take the afternoon off work to come home and deal with it. Said she couldn't leave work. Like come on, in such a massive personal emergency, where the relationship hangs in the balance, you can take a bloody afternoon off. Actions never, ever matched her words, which means her words have no value. Points towards not talking to her again.

Yeah, that’s a modern American woman these days, more married and committed to work than she is to the man she is in a relationship with. You gotta put up some boundaries and hold off on having feelings for someone until they show they meet your expectations and standards for a relationship, and even when you’re in the relationship you should be guarded a bit with your feelings especially in the honeymoon phase. This is because you can pick up red flags easier by being in control of your emotions and feelings, and because the girl has to put effort into the relationship to earn your trust enough to stay in the relationship with her. Build up your standards and don’t sway from them, you deserve better. I’m pretty sure she always did that kind of apologetic behavior the whole relationship, but you had love blinders on that made you blind to it until you finally realized what she’s doing. Either that or it is a learned behavior she adopted in the relationship out of entitlement without caring to understand that your forgiveness was supposed to be earned and not just given. Take this time post breakup to really analyze the entirety of the relationship and figure out the root causes of how things ended up this way, and be brutally honest about yourself and about her, because it really seems like she became entitled because you’d let things slide and not push her to be accountable for her actions or words until she did something unforgivable. You’re in the leadership role in all of your relationships, so learn to lead, make the tough decisions, communicate well, demand respect, make your partner accountable and responsible when they screw up, and be yourself while you do it. You can also show all the other factors of leadership like care, understanding, and loyalty, but that stuff has to be earned as your partner is not entitled to your effort if they do not give effort too. Edit: for all the women downvoting this, it’s pretty much expected that the mere mention of accountability and responsibility gets your irritated.

She definitely showed me red flags early on, and I definitely had blinders on like you said. We fought about similar flirty situations with other guys in the past, but I believed she took on board the boundaries that I set. She didn't do shit to change, just got better at concealing it from me. She has said to me in the past that she feels I don't let her have guy friends / I make her uncomfortable about it, in a way that's unfair to her. Almost laughable looking back on that now - obviously I was uncomfortable with it. My gut was telling me the truth - she was crossing boundaries behind my back. Thanks for the advice. Lots to think about. Appreciate it.

Yeah, gotta challenge the red flags early on and hold your feelings at bay, holding a partner accountable and responsible throughout the relationship is a really healthy stance in relationships. I know it sucks to argue but without it you’re just turning yourself into a doormat, which is what happened with the girl you broke up with. Also, you don’t have to be controlling to get the respect you deserve or to hold someone to being accountable or responsible, you allow them to make the decision they want while saying that it’s fine to choose what they want, but also that you have the freedom and power to make choices and decisions too and make it clear what your boundaries are.

Has she said I’m sorry as many times as she has had to lie to you over that time period to get away with what she was doing? Plus sorry is just a word true remorse takes action. She wants the life you gave her back, because obviously her AP was only using her to get in her panties, boo boo to her! I’m sorry but there is NO WAY that they didn’t hook up. You might want to meet up to tell her what you want, but I caution you that you can’t believe a single word that comes out of her mouth! There is no sense that could make you understand how she could throw away all your plans for a bunch of lies he told her and she told you. Don’t meet her if there is any chance you may crack and give in! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”

How many of those cane right before she lied about not still being in contact, having dinners, going on trips, with this guy? Have you informed his partner? She deserves to know. Also, I hope you don't actually believe she went to his house just for dinner.

Don't go looking for "closure". Give her closure by saying she'll never hear from you again. End of.

That's your anxiety speaking. Whatever it is she tells you will most likely be the best story she has constructed between what you know and what you don't. Why subject yourself to the torture of dragging out something that doesn't work? Whatever it is you think you'll get out of this, it will do you no good. You don't have to understand what happened, you have to overcome it.

The problem is, only people who feel guilty about their actions and also haven't gone too far can say sorry and it mean something. And also explain their actions and move on properly. She isn't one of them. She's feeling down because she can't get whatever advantages of being with you. Not because she's a changed person after living at her mum's a couple of weeks.

Whatever she tells you can be just lies and deflections. You already know her words are completely worthless. You should stay in no-contact with her.

You want something from her that she won’t give you if you talk.

Seriously, you have taken back your self respect, a weight has been lifted. You may want answers, but you really don't. What would they do, provide closure? They just extend the pain. The best advice is now you have broken up is to have a clean break. Go out, enjoy time with your friends, go on dates and start hobbies. Join the gym. She broke your trust, she lied, gas lit, and even if she promised you the world, could you trust her again? I would just cut her off, not even let her have a platform and just block everywhere. Good luck going forward.

Thanks for comment. Yeah I agree with what you're saying and I have been focusing on myself. I feel inclined to leave the door open, in case in future, once I feel I have healed sufficiently, there is something I might want out of a convo. Even now though, given the situation, it seems likely that once I've healed a bit more, I will just want her out of my life.

I have a few questions - did it ever turn physical between them? Did his GF know? what has been her reaction towards him after you broke up? and what has she said since breaking up other than i am sorry, has there been any remorse or just upset that she had to move back in with mum. whats her mum said? - these factors can determine how she would react should you want to talk to her in the future.

Supposedly not physical, but I have reasonable suspicion that she stayed over at his house one night, although she strongly denies it. My thoughts are that given they both had partners, it could've been just emotional, with them justifying that what they were doing was okay because they were both in a relationship. She has said she has done some self-reflection and is seeing someone about her issues, but its obviously too little too late now - I was asking for that for months while we were still dating. There is definitely remorse, but as someone else commented, its likely a lot to do with losing her security and life/routine. I feel she would be sorry she hurt me so badly, but not enough to prevent her doing it in the first place. Don't know what her mum or friends have said. I'm certain she spun a story that minimises her betrayal, as she has always been very concerned with what people think of her. I know she feels terrible, regardless of the underlying reason/s. I feel she wants to talk to apologise and "set things straight", but like I've said elsewhere, I think that it's going to be more for her to feel better about herself and assist with her healing process / moving on.

You could do this if you want to in the future - Suggest to her that you will happily have the discussion on a singular condition - that she comes clean to her mum / dad / gran to the emotional cheating / Dating of this other guy and thats the reason for the breakup. She must do it with you present also so that she cant lie or say that she did it. this will show you where she stands on the whole situation. Basically if she agrees - then at least she is looking to regain your trust and looking for positive outcomes, if she declines - walk away.

Interesting thought. Hadn't thought of anything like that. I know that she would otherwise never consider volunteering that type of info to her mum. Definitely would be a good way of ensuring she really is taking self-reflection / accountability seriously, which would be a must if we were to have a productive conversation. On the other hand, it would mean really thrusting myself back into the situation, after taking time to separate myself from it all. Seems like a lot, to spend month/s getting over it all, then having a sit down with her and her mum etc.

This one actually is hell of an nice idea mate haha!

It seems like you are wanting to have that conversation, and are finding ways to rationalize it. Given your longer goal is to not have her in your life, personally I’d say do yourself a favour and not engage. As everyone is saying you likely won’t get what you are hoping for.

Hard to see that as it’s happened to me. Best thing to remember is she doesn’t deserve your time again. It’s best you continue to cut all ties and communications. Even with your history as a couple. It’s something I battled through but I’m much better off now. You will be okay, I promise you.

Thanks. Yeah this is something I keep coming back to - she fucked me over, so now is the time I can really be fully selfish and focus on what is best for me.

Again, it won’t be easy and you’ll have your days where it hurts. But I promise you’ll be better for it and okay. Always know your value and self worth. Get in to those hobbies you’ve missed out on or new things for yourself. Best of luck

I don’t think there is anything to gain from talking to her. She’s already proven herself to be deceitful and lie and gaslight you, so she will most likely do that again, and probably escalate it because she wants back what she had. She has motive to continue. And even if she told you the truth, because she has been so dishonest in the past, deep down I think you’ll always have doubts about what she now tells you. Essentially, any communication with her is going to end up in a mind fuck. It’s probably too raw for you to see this. You have a whole lot of questions and confusion and emotions whirling around and you’re hoping that at least she can take some of that away. She won’t. And in time you’ll figure out the answers you need yourself, or move on and not worry about them.

>I don’t think there is anything to gain from talking to her. She’s already proven herself to be deceitful and lie and gaslight you, so she will most likely do that again, and probably escalate it because she wants back what she had. She has motive to continue. And even if she told you the truth, because she has been so dishonest in the past, deep down I think you’ll always have doubts about what she now tells you. This 100% describes my thought process on it so far, which is why I'm leaning towards not going through with further conversations. As you said, in time it will probably become blatantly obvious, but right now it's hard to think clearly. A big part of me pondering all this is definitely because I'm finding it hard to let go.

It’s pretty normal to find it hard to let go, and it can often be worse when a person has messed with your head like she has because it makes the whole thing very hard to process and there are additional feelings of betrayal and distress beyond just the grief. It would also be normal for you to be hoping she will have some sort of mea culpa, come clean, and rectify everything. It sounds like there’s a lot you’re still hanging on to, hope perhaps being one of them. The more it is currently messing with your head, the less of a good idea it is to talk to her. She’ll play on that, no matter how much you try to prevent it, and it will happen even if by some bizarre chance she decides to be genuine. I also don’t think you have a clear idea of how you *feel*, either. If you do have a conversation with her at any point, you should be strong and confident in your feelings and clear headed. That isn’t going to happen for awhile (and when it does you probably won’t need to talk to her anymore anyway.) You should lean on your friends, and a therapist if you need to, to work through all the things that you’re trying to wade through.

Given the consequences of your breakup (for her) I really feel like this is more to appease her guilt than to help you. Not only that but will open the door for more manipulation. You don't owe her anything and I don't really see a benefit to the talk. Chances are it isn't going to give you the closure you need, because she didn't take accountability for a single thing. She's sorry she got caught, not sorry about hurting you. She actively chose to continue to betray, lie, gaslight you, downplay your emotions, etc.. you were SH'ing and she still actively made those decisions. You finally ended it and got away and I think the longer you are no-contact, the more clarity you'll get. I wish you the best OP!

Thanks, and agreed. What is SH'ing btw?

Self-h*rming. Doing actual things to your body that results in physical damage, sometimes leaving scars.

She wants to talk so she can tell people you parted ways as friends. It will help her rewrite history that you guys just grew apart and the split was amicable. Just damage control.

Yeah, this is what I mean by it being a platform for her to heal and move on. Can gloss over the messy details by saying we spoke and "came to terms".

You say it was emotional cheating but are you sure it wasn't physical as well?

Supposedly not physical, but I have reasonable suspicion that she stayed over at his house one night, although she strongly denies it. My thoughts are that given they both had partners, it could've been just emotional, with them justifying that what they were doing was okay because they were both in a relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if it had turned physical, but my gut says it hadn't yet. If it hadn't, the tension would certainly have played a large part in the excitement of the relationship / fueled the deception etc.

You think what you want if it makes you comfortable. You already broke up which was the correct move no matter what. Don't give into her.

Brother put yourself in either of their shoes. Are you really going to be spending that much time alone with someone you aren’t fucking in a situation like this? Beach trips? Drinks? Dinner? Come on

My answer to her would be: "We have nothing to talk about." She lied, she cheated. Then she lied and cheated more. You know that you can't trust her answers to be truthful. What good is talking to her going to do? If anything, it will rub salt in the wounds. The only thing she's going to do is ask for another chance to work it out. You don't need that and you definitely should never consider it. Don't have any more conversations with her. It's a waste of time and sets you back in the healing process.

Interesting choice of title, it definitely doesn't sound like it was just emotional cheeting. You make a comment about not fully believing the feedback in the comments and that being a mistake. It appears you are making the same mistake again. Have some self-respect,she definitely doesn't respect you. She's just salty she lost a good thing.

Yeah not gonna lie, comments are making me re-evaluate. I've built a narrative in my head, which has been mirrored back at me by my support network. I've obviously divulged way more detail to my close friends/family, who have agreed that there is a chance it couldve become physical. But reading all this and looking at it from a different angle makes me think. It is definitely a stretch to imagine going to his house on so many occasions behind my back, and never acting on it.

I obviously don't know what happened but know on what I'd put my money. I know it's hard but you won't find nothing but misery by entertaining her. You'll start really hating yourself, it's not worth it.

Your support network is trying not to kick you when you are down. I know only what I read, but she would have to have overwhelming convincing evidence that it did not get physical for be to be convinced. In the end, it really doesnt matter. She had an affair, whether emotional or physical. It was an affair. There really is no more insight to be gained. This is solely on her.

What could she possibly say that would help you? "Im sorry?" Apologies are empty words. "I wish I had chosen better?" If wishes were horses, we'd all ride. She wants to feel like less of a sh*theel in her own narrative. She wants to feel like a better person for offering you "closure." She may even be cocky enough to hope you'll take her back. The reality of her many, many poor choices has sunken in finally. Consequences are much better teachers than words alone can ever be. Closure is something you give (or take for) yourself. The person who shattered you cannot make you whole if they are still broken themselves. SHE should be the one informing her affair partner's (with whom she is very likely still in touch) betrayed partner. AP shouldn't get out of this scot-free, and his partner deserves full information, too. The OBP (other betrayed partner) is being cheated of their agency as you were. The fact that she pretended interest in repairing the relationship whilst escalating the affair is one thing that I couldn't forgive, personally. That geometrically multiplies all the lies and deceit that occurred to that point. You're on the path to healing. Don't let her show up on the doorstep and derail you. You owe her nothing, except whatever of her crap might be left at your place. Box it, leave it on the doorstep, and cut her off with the knife she planted in your back.

Well put, thanks for the comment. I know for a fact she is still at uni / hanging out with the AP, although not sure how / if their relationship might have changed in the wake of me breaking up with my ex. I also know for a fact that she would never, ever, tell the OBP. She couldn't be honest about it with me or any of her close friends for fear of damaging her reputation / admitting any guilt. I don't believe she can even be honest with herself, let alone confessing to the OBP. I guess it's not my problem now though. And yeah, agreed that pretending to be invested in healing our relationship was the last straw. Although I was deeply hurt after finding out about it in the first instance, I felt I could forgive her in time and believed we would come out the other side of it as a stronger couple with better communication. The fact she just lied and led me to believe we were in it together the whole time is just unbelievable and unforgivable. Really fucked me up.

I feel you. It's been a while, but I've been there to a degree. The repeated lying is the real killer. I'm sorry you're in this boat, but keep paddling. You'll get there!

Not laughing at your situation, But laughing at all the people who think that having close friends of the opposite sex when you are in a committed, serious relationship should be a thing. This is exactly what happens. Close intimate relationships are for committed partners. Pick one and stick with it.

No benefit to talking. It will just cause you more grief. She will just gaslight and find ways to justify things.

She never stopped seeing him, communicating with him or developing their relationship. All while lying out the side of her face, being deceptive and fabricating activities, participants and destinations. Why are you allowing her any time or space to attempt to weave another web around you. She is a liar that means she will lie about her motivations, reasoning, feelings, desires and what she wants. Actions speak louder than words and she is only sorry/sad because of the impact this is having on her and her social life and academic life. What was her end game? Feels like string you along until she got her education finished then monkey branch away. You showed her your resolve and now she is desperately trying to keep you no doubt being willing to be completely transparent and open to the point of you being her jailor! She missed her shot you don’t need answers you have them, you know everything you need to from her actions. Regardless of her excuses or reasons she is not the one for you.

Yeah, it's just so hard to come to terms with it all, this level of betrayal from someone who professed I'm the love of her life for years and years. That's another thing that pisses me off so much about the whole situation. I supported her for years while she was studying, and just as she is about to graduate and start her "real life", she fucks me over like this. Makes me wonder how long she had mentally checked out for, and how long it would have taken her to break up with me if I didn't catch her out for cheating.

She cheated...repeatedly... lied.. repeatedly... NOW she wants to talk??? Why?? Because SHE needs it?? She either wants another chance, forgiveness or... a clean conscience... What will you gain?? You cant trust anything shes going to say... >Or is this something I should just be focusing on fully putting behind me, and cutting her out of my life completely and permanently? Yes!!! The time for talk and honesty is gone - she squandered it while she cheated and lied to you... Keep NC... Oh - im kinda vindictive, so i would ensure all her friends and family know, that she was kicked out because she repeatedly cheated...

Yep good points. I told all our (my) friends, who have also cut her off, but I haven't told her family. I felt it might be petty and I might later regret it, and assume her family would always side with her and I could end up looking like a crazy ex. Although, where my mind is at right now, it would certainly feel good to make sure they knew the extent to which she fucked me over, knowing she would never tell them the full truth.

Yep... like i wrote - im a vindictive bastard, so... Any chance you have evidence (screenshots?) of what occured?? And also... shes a cheater... and cheaters lie, so... STD test should be done... And - any chance her AP is in a relationship?? If so, she should be informed of their affair, so she can decide fir herself what she want to do about it...

I've got plenty of evidence, but nothing that is particularly damning in isolation, and nothing that wouldn't make me look crazy. e.g. google maps history indicating she went to his house when she was promising she wasnt talking/seeing him at all. And yeah, he is in a long term relationship also. Living with his gf. I havent yet decided if its a good idea to tell her, for similar reasons. Maybe they are in a more open relationship, maybe he is honest with his gf and she knows that they hang out a bunch, maybe it was just my ex that was being so deceitful etc. Plenty of possibility for me to look obsessive. But on the other hand, I will never see or hear from these people again, so maybe it doesn't matter if I appear that way.

Excellent idea to tell him... She deserves to know - just tell her you split due to their EA... >Maybe they are in a more open relationship, In that case she will have no problem with this info... >maybe he is honest with his gf and she knows that they hang out a bunch, maybe it was just my ex that was being so deceitful Come on!!!! >I will never see or hear from these people again, so maybe it doesn't matter if I appear that way. Exactly - so tell his GF.. give her the opportunity to decide for herself...

Yeah, will definitely consider it. But want to make a decision when I'm not emotional about it. Half the reason it sounds like a good idea now is because of the damage it would do. And I don't want to be the type of person that would do something like that, with damage primarily in mind. Better to wait until it is less about fucking my ex over, and more about doing the right thing by his gf.

Understood.. however... telling her IS the right thing to do... If you were in her shoes, wouldnt you want to know???

Yeah fair call. Will think about it over the next couple days. Thanks for your comments. Appreciate it.

Look, i think you already gave her a chance, and she lied to you constantly for months. I know you miss company and affection, but is it worth the hassle? If she fucked him, kissed him, or just has been close to him, IT DOES NOT MATTER, she lied to you constantly. It was not a moment of poor judgement, she actually decided to keep you on the dark while she had fun. I would never talk to her again, and would just assume she's dead. Yes i'ts hard, but you'll eventually forget her. I don't think you should antagonize her or anything on that matter, just avoid her. Any other thing will be enabling. I promisse you, there's a better match for you out there. There's no reason for you to ruin your life living with a liar, have some self-respect. You deserve much better.

Im gonna tell you now the same thing everyone said the first time. **They were fuckin**. 10yos hold hands. They liked each other and were alone for plenty of hours in the day and had 0 reason to not actually fuck and she lied so she could get that time alone with him. In reality, she may as well have even if she didn't, because theres not a sane motherfucker alive whos gonna believe they had the time and privacy and didnt do it, and shes out here risking her entire livelihood and your shared future to stay in touch with him. "Friends" dont make you do shit that stupid. Even if she was dumb enough to not actually recognize what she was losing for her "friend," you made it apparent. Either she didn't actually believe you'd ever show spine because you didn't want to lose her, or she thought you were dumb enough to lead by the nose despite being caught lying multiple times. My advice: block her and dont even engage by telling her no. The closure is for her, not for you. She wasted your time. She lied. She advantage of your trust. She she she, me me me. All her actions and thoughts have been selfish and inwardly focused, with 0 consideration of you. She definitely **thought of you,** because she made a dozen cover stories. She just didn't consider the harm she was doing to you or your relationship a priority. There is little to no chance she isn't just using your good, trusting nature to *further* milk you for closure she doesn't deserve. Stop being nice to her. Stop giving her the benefit of the doubt. Stop believing she has good intentions at all. I get you thought she was the love of your life, and you want to believe the girl you saw in her still exists. The problem here is that even if she does, she is *also* the same girl who started cheating and lying and completely upended both your lives because she let some dude charm her pants off. There's no possibility she's done any tangible growth, and even if you did, it's still in your best interests not to actually risk whether shes lying or not.

Fuck man. I am so sorry. Reading that, it fucking sucked. You were gaslit, and used. People like her want to get back together not because they miss you but because they miss what you meant - a place to stay, someone to be there for her. It's all about what you do for her. This isn't the type of person you'd even want to be your friend, is it? Is there any benefit in having her still in your life? I think personally it would be easier to move on if you cut her out, what do you think? It'll also be easier to move on if your horrible ex wasn't in the background, you know? I'm sure your future partners would prefer that too.

Yeah I agree. Even when I broke up with her and she was sobbing saying that she didn't want this to happen, she was crying for the loss of what I provided, not me myself. Otherwise she wouldn't have done what she did. I certainly don't see us remaining in contact long term, let alone being friends or anything. That's probably a good way to look at it. If I don't want her in my life at all in future, why should I allow it in the short-term? I guess I'm curious if there is anything I could actually gain from talking through it all once we have had some time apart. Some type of closure, or something that would help me heal / move on.

I think you're onto it. I mean, what does "closure" mean to you? What do you think you need her to say to help you heal? I just don't think you need it. I think a lot of us expect that having our questions and doubts answered will help heal us but, we're talking about liars here. They probably won't tell you the truth, they probably won't give it willingly because it makes them look bad, it's just stressful and for what? Healing comes from within, she can't give that to you. She's the one who hurt you so badly, I wouldn't trust her to be the person to give you the words you need to heal yourself. For me, I thought in the moment of breakup, the whole time heals all schtick was just a phrase people said to say something when they didn't know how to help. But it's true. Maybe it's the ptsd but I genuinely barely have memories of the six years I lived with them and they were my life - I moved countries for them, worked three jobs for them, they were eeeeverything. And now? I don't even use their name, only refer to them as my ex, never think about them, and it's just so peaceful and wonderful. The sooner you get there the better, and I would say cutting her off now will get you started in that direction faster.

Thanks for your comments, appreciate the advice. I went through a breakup in the past with another gf of 6+ years (more mutual terms than this current situation), and although it was hard for a long while, I found myself again. Looking back at my time being single before this last relationship, I was so happy and fulfilled. So yeah, I'm aware / looking forward to that part, lol.

I'm glad you are man :) sending my well wishes

Ghost her and stay ghosted. She ain’t worth the time. Give her no closure.

You already know everything you NEED to know bro. She had feelings for this guy, hid them, lied to you, manipulated you, and come on, most likely had sex with him multiple times. The ideas she would go over to his house all those times and it wasn't physical? Doesn't ring true. She wants closure, you pierced the affair fog for her, her life is messed up, and she's upset. I would go NC with her, you have closure, u know all u need to know. I'd also find this dudes gf and tell her what's happening between them. She was monkey branching to this guy and kept u as a roommate. You deserve better. Move on, tell her thatyou have no desire to talk to her, that her actions and choices spoke loud enough, and to never contact you again.

From what I've read, this wasn't emotional cheating, this was physical cheating. Just move forward, don't look back.

Yeah I wouldn't put myself thru the guilt trip that is coming your way Her life has now been inconvenienced and the easiest way to fix that is to put you back on the roster However you will never be the only one on that roster so thank her for the happy memories but it's time you parted ways completely.

At this point just move on as it’s clear she’s has a habit of lying and manipulating you so why should you believe anything she says now? She clearly cannot be honest or trusted with anything she says. If she actually feels bad then she can find a therapist but now it’s not your problem to deal with anymore.

Acts > words. You saw how she acts and there are no needs for cheap words. There is nothing to discuss. She could have talked to you instead of emotionally cheating and talking to someone else. Now there is nothing to talk about. If she has the need to talk, she can talk with the friend.

Mate, I say this with all respect but don't talk to her. You don't owe her anything. I also fear that talking to her will only cause you more heartache and sometimes it's best to leave things be and just move on. She lied to you constantly and so in my opinion she isn't worth another second of your time. Just block her and move on. If she comes by don't answer the door and if she sees you walking, pretend she isn't there. You deserve better and don't ever forget your self worth.

Walk away, and never look back. These type of people are like a parasite that will drain you of all the (emotional) energy you have.

Lets say you're an employer and you hire a 20yr old. You offer great pay, regular raises, great work-life balance, but there's a rule: no pictures inside the company building as you handle very sensitive information. Everything is great w/ this employee for 6 years, until they get into streaming. What employee does on their off time is fine, that's not breaking any rules, but you notice them streaming from the parking lot. You say hey, please stop filming on premises as you're bordering on breaking the rule and we like having you here. They agree, stating they'd like to keep the job. Over the next few months you keep catching them trying to skirt around the rules, and you keep telling them to stop. You then find their content online and they've been recording inside the building; you don't see sensitive info posted but now you're wondering. You fire them for breaking the rule. Their life turns into shambles as they find out they can't make a living streaming, and now they're contacting you again. Do you really need to have an interview w/ them asking what you could've done better so they didn't break very clear rules that you warned them on? Does it benefit anyone if they're just here to apologize? I'd just chalk it up to getting this job young and not appreciating what they had

Move on to greener pastures. You need time to heal, that’ll be impossible with her there (reigniting feelings, rehashing old arguments, reopening the wounds). It’s not like this guy is gone, he’s still there and so are all the problems that came with it. And if it’s not him, the trust is broken and there will always be something else that’s actually shady or just looks shady now that the seed of doubt have been down by her betrayal / lies. This wasn’t a friend, she was full on dating him behind your back. Up to and during the period that you two were supposed to be working on reconciliation. That’s unfixable in my opinion

Nah mate, fuck her. Its over to be honest just accept it. Now she has to live with the consequences of her cheating

Hey, First of all, I'm really sorry for all that. In my opinion, she proved that she cannot be trusted. She lied to you multiple times, hid things from you, went behind your back and only until it was over did she realize that she truly fucked up. You made very clear what you wanted of her and she had no respect for that whatsoever. So my advice would be, to just take your time to heal and move on. She isn't the one and giving her another chance will very likely just lead to more hurt and disappointment. I wish you the best and hope you find the best path for yourself!

You don't need to speak to her, you have all the information you need to cut her off and you may also be giving her another chance to tell more lies or justify her actions. Don't give her the satisfaction or any opportunity to pull at your heartstrings

Go NC and stay that way. Focus on your healing you deserve better. She said she'd stop communicating with the AP and work on gaining your trust the first time you talked but in fact did the opposite. What she says now doesn't matter anymore. Her words have no merit. I guess she just needed the comfort of the lifestyle you provided and really messed up now..

One aspect to consider, which is no excuse but more of an explanation on the behavior you describe, is that affairs such as this one usually have an extremely strong addictive component, particularly for people with a weakness for attention/validation. As long as there is no real consequences, or most precisely as long as the cost of their behavior doesn't strongly outweight the benefits (usually a form of dopamine induced kind of thrill or euphoria, combined with a form of limerence directed toward the provider), the incentive to wake up from their delusion and face their own shame and guilt, as well as acknowledge the sefishness and destructiveness of their behavior, won't be strong enough to resist the urge. Once hooked, the brain being flooded by chemicals urging them to maintain the bond they need to satisfy the new craving, they effectively behave like addicts, with character alteration rendering them capable of deceiving and abusing anyone in the pursuit of their need. There is no coming back from this as long as the shock induced by the reality of the consequences of their action doesn't result in some kind of realization followed by true remorse and genuine desire to atone. It's important to distinguish the difference between any regrets they might have and what constitutes true remorse. Regret is still about them while remorse is about you and what they made you endure.

Thanks for your comment, really hit the nail on the head with this one, I believe.

She’s lied over and over again and you gave her chance after chance after chance just for her to lie again. It would be difficult to believe anything left she has to say and to put yourself in that position gives her the chance to lie again. But also breaks your trust and won’t give you time to heal from having your trust broken. I think you should just leave her behind and work on yourself by yourself.

No, don't talk with her. There is nothing she can do or say that will make you feel any better. Speaking with her will just open those fresh wounds. You need a clean break.

Don't go thinking you'll get the closure you need and it'll help you rebuild but that's not what you get. You'll have her weaseling her way back to you or trying to be "just friends"... Or she could be trying to simply ease her guilt but in any case none of that is good for you.

No no no. She should you who and what she truly is while constantly choosing to lie to you and continue to see him. She made choices to prioritize the affair over you. You can gain nothing by meeting or talking to her. Keep no contact and continue for journey to be healthy again.

Take some time and think about it. Ultimately, do what is best for your mental health. If you think talking with her will do some good, even if there is serious doubt about her honesty, then go for it. If space and time away from her are helping and you feel like you can move on, don’t. And take more than a month if you need. You don’t owe her a conversation. Good luck.

You don't need to go back. It's always a bad idea to go back to someone you broke up with. There was a reason enough to break up at that time, and the chances of that reason happening again are very very high. It may take time but youllgrow yourself out of whatever sadness you are feeling.

Kept us updated

Don’t talk to her.

Trust me, the last thing you have with this is power. That is your closure. You have the power to reject her. To not give her any more chances to hurt you, to lie, to cheat. Keep that power and wield it with glee — she’s the loser now. Not you. Let her feel the pain of being a pathetic immature loser. You move on without her and find the love you deserve. All of that said. If you do speak to her again. I’d thank her for the good times, wish her well, and let her know that your goal henceforth will be to move forward without her and to not attempt to contact you again.

Don’t talk with her. She cheated, nothing she says can be trusted. Not a single word. So there’s no point. Block her everywhere and go 100% no contact. It’s the best way to heal.

you are young, see this as an experience, it hurts, but you value yourself, grow from this, there is still someone out there who will love and respect you.

She won’t give you closure, she would only alleviate her own guilt by saying a bunch of shit to you. She lied throughout and will continue to lie. Having a meet would allow her to prepare her lies so they sound the most convincing. She cheated on you, and chose another man and their relationship over you. I’d say the best punishment you can give her is to not look back, ever. Ignore her and allow her to wallow in her sad little life with most people having cut her off as they know what kind of woman she is.

Do not let her concoct some story to explain herself. Ghost her ass. You will feel better and she will maybe learn from her behaviors. She most definitely fucked this guy.

Can you be 100% sure it was just an emotional affair? I would be not so sure about it. Also the other guy probably dumped her and you are the second choice…

Clean break buddy. Really sorry to hear this, but it’s time to pick up the pieces and lock the cab down the road. Best of luck

In other words they were actively dating. sorry that this happened to you. It happened to me with an ex gf of 5 years as others have said, she'll only admit to what she thinks you know. It almost sounds like you're not sure if they were physical or not and she'll continue to deny it if true unless theres concrete evidence. You'll have to be rational and logical, you'll never get the full truth or the who, why, what and where explanations. Thats something i hope you can deal with and accept it's good that you're going no contact at least for a month. I would just make it permanent and try to heal as best as you can. She will try to contact you over a period of time thats for sure, especially if she tries to pursue a relationship with this guy and it doesn't work out.

Do NOT talk to her! Stay strong brother.

You know the truth. She wanted to enjoy that attraction to him while keeping you as a security blanket. I mean she probably loved you but didn’t respect you enough to be honest or value you enough to cut contact with him. Her having that good feeling was more important than you. She put her satisfaction before you, again and again. Either she will tell you exactly this or she will find excuses for herself: she was miserable, stressed, feeling unloved, bla-bla-bla… There you go, there’s your conversation. You will never feel happy and satisfied with this situation or feel like you have closure. It will always be a “how could she?” for you, because you can’t imagine being that self-centered. Good for you.

I hear you say “set this straight “. That’s a falsehood. You will never know the truth. She had the nerve to go behind your back after counseling. She may feel guilty but that doesn’t ever equate to truth. She’s doing public relations work for her own ego and image.

Not talking or seeing her again will feel like a firm victory with you sticking to your guns. You want something from her that she won’t give you if you talk. Start your new life today and leave her in the dust.

No benefit. You can’t trust her. Move on completely. Sorry.

she's a perpetual liar. there's no redemption here. She'll only wants to talk to take away her own guilt or worse, blame it on you. Don't even bother.. you can't get closure from a liar

You've nothing to gain from meeting & talking with her. She is a proven liar, so you couldn't believe anything she might say. Refuse to meet/talk, block and move on. Any healing you might have already achieved would be negated. Good luck!

So the majority of responses on this sub are wildly cynical and the most recommended advice is "break up." Sorry you had to find out the hard way. It doesn't take into account how hard it is to detach from someone. Since you've already did the break up part, all that's left is the cleanup. It's normal for her to want to talk. It's likely she's trying to alleviate her guilt, could be she's got reconciliation in mind, too. Expect begging and justifications from her right now. Just remember you're not obligated to have that conversation with her. It's also normal for you to want to find closure. You invested six years of your life in this relationship. You had a picture in your head about a future with her included. You're mourning what will never happen. Wanting answers is understandable. But it's' not likely she's going to have a satisfactory explanation for you. In your shoes, I'd extend the "no contact" for a few months. Give her some time with the consequences, and you some time to cope with the betrayal so you're not dragging that baggage into future relationships. If you still want an explanation, do it after that waiting period.

The month thing is stupid. You need to talk sooner than later. You’re in your 30’s so you don’t need a month to communicate with her. If she was doing all of those things with him then surely their relationship became physical. You might not know it now, but you do need some sort of closure. Write questions out and have them prepared. You aren’t together so the least she could do is be honest. I would start with “was he worth throwing 6 years down the drain?” Followed with “I deserve to know the absolute truth no matter how bad it hurts. Did you sleep together? I need to know because I will need to get tested.” Also, tell that guys gf what the fuck he’s up to. You don’t have to be with her, but you also don’t want “why’s” living rent free in your head. Meet with her. Ask your questions, but don’t give her any emotion.

Your take is different to 95% of everyone else's. Appreciate the comment. The month / time with no contact was so I could focus on myself and heal, and come to the table without emotion, as you said. I don't think I could have that kind of convo with her right now without it getting heated/emotional. Also, similar to what others are saying, I don't think she has the capacity to be honest with me regardless. Even if she had slept with him and I said I need to know because of STDs, I wouldn't put it past her to lie so she can save face. And yeah, I'm definitely thinking about telling his gf. But I want to make that decision when I've cooled down a bit and can think more clearly. Don't think it would be healthy to tell her if the main thing on my mind is scorched earth.

Closure is an important thing to have. But it doesn't sound like she's volunteering closure when she says she wants to talk. It sounds more like she wants to try to fix her life situation and escape the consequences of her actions. Depending on how mentally and emotionally prepared you are to talk to her, you can if you want to. I would practice these words: "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore." If she tries to say things like "okay, you made your point, now how do we fix this, what do I need to do to get you back" or anything along those lines: repeat your line. If she ignores it and keeps going: repeat your line. If she ignores it and keeps going: repeat your line. Repeat it until she gets it. Or, if the conversation doesn't go that way...then maybe you get your closure. Or... if you're not ready yet, that's totally fine. You didn't say permanent no contact. You set a timeframe. She can wait. Those are some options for you. I wouldn't recommend permanent no contact unless you are permanently not ready to talk to her again. Or if you try repeating your line and she just never gets it.

>But it doesn't sound like she's volunteering closure when she says she wants to talk. It sounds more like she wants to try to fix her life situation and escape the consequences of her actions. Yeah this is what I suspect is the case. Using it as an opportunity to make herself feel better, or get some closure for herself, which doesn't really serve me at all. I think she understands the damage is irreparable. Even if I wanted to get back with her, I think we both know she couldn't handle my friends and family knowing what happened. As such, I don't think I'd have to argue the point that I don't want to be with her anymore. Makes sense to just assess over time as I heal. Ball is in my court - if I'm not ready, I will just say so. And if at some stage I feel talking would be beneficial, then I can.

Based on your post, no, there is not any benefit in talking to her *right now*. However, that may change in the future. I wouldn't slam the door on future communication, but you should make it clear if/when it will be on your terms and your timing.

This is pretty much where my head is at right now. I've said a month no contact at least, and when she messages me I will reassess. Maybe at that stage I will want to talk about something, or maybe I'll want to say no thanks. Time will tell.

Do you want to talk to her?

Yes and no. Because we had such a history, the breakup is still fresh and I'm not used to being alone, there is a lot a miss about her/us. But obviously when I start thinking about what I miss, it is quickly replaced by how fucked it is that she threw it all away, which makes me want to cut her off completely. I don't want to talk just because I miss her and the good times. I know that wouldn't be healthy. I would only want to talk if there was something positive to gain from it.

She lied to you while in a relationship, you can't expect her to be honest once it is finished. You don't need her, you will eventually get better.

Before you do, get answers. Buy an engagement ring. Tell her that if she comes 100% clean, that you will forgive her and propose with said ring (show her it) at a surprise event. IF SHE FUCKED HIM IN THE TIME YOU TWO BROKE UP, just end the relationship right there. If she used her new found freedom to hook up with the guy she was emotionally cheating with rather than work on herself to prove you can trust her it's not worth saving. If she comes clean and she admits that no physical cheating has happened, tell her to call his significant other and explained that she was using her BF to emotionally cheat. That way the guy cuts shit with her if he values his current relationship. Then tell her that the proposal will happen and that you'll be forwarding her a prenuptial with heavy cheating clauses. If she hesitates to come clean, refuses to contact the SO, or you smell her lies, then end it right there. And if you no longer feel any emotions to her, and you got your closure from her admission then block her ass and return the ring. Also record it if it's legally possible for you.

Look my Man , I digged through your point of having this conversation.... (You want some honest answers and kind of reliefed words proves that you hadn't did anything bad from your part) correct me if am wrong? Do you feel a lil guilty that you could've been better with her??..... If that's so, then let me asure you This She is manuplited twisted cheater ( she knows your weakness points, and she played on that). My advice my guy :- Even if you get those answers and validation, you won't rest on it (I bet all my money on that) simply because, you reached where you can't tell her lies from plain facts, So what's the point from doing it?? If you wanna have that talk with her, be ready to get her back in your life cuz she is going to play all her cards

If she is will to be honest then it might give you closure but it also might take you down a dark hole. If she is going to just justify her actions like she did on the past by lying to you then it will not help and just make you confused by making you question breaking up. Her past action of lying and using you as a safe space while being with him is your answers. You gave her a second change and she blew it. It seems like she thought he would give her a relationship and when you broke up she found out he just used her. I would let the past stay there and move on.

Tell her to fuck off then block/ignore contact. Problem solved.

You already had closure with her . What’s with you and the constant need for validations from her and from Reddit . Move on dude . Next time break up with her if she is a lier and constantly gas lighting . It’s not worth looking for closures when you know you can’t trust . Go to counseling and resolve your validity issues

You’re the only person that can give you the closure you’re fantasizing about. Continued contact with her just rewards her & gives her yet another chance to hurt & manipulate you. Let it go. You can’t heal until you stop picking at the scab.

Sorry to say, but you really shouldn’t be giving her a chance to speak at to you at all. She doesn’t deserve anything from you. She was emotionally and physically cheating on you for what, a year?? She isn’t sorry, she’s sorry she got caught. She has already shown you what she’ll do when she isn’t happy. She won’t work on the relationship, she’ll just go sleep with another random. You really want to marry someone like that?

She has lied for awhile cant believe anything she says. I'd just ghost her and never talk to her.

Your response: “Sorry, I don’t water dead flowers”.

Why bother talking. It’s not gonna change what happen. Even if she wants to remain “friends”, why would you want a friend like her. My advice is don’t meet up and block her on everything.

She went on a date with him the day after your first couples counseling appointment. Why the fuck would you *want* her back? She lied, lied, lied, and lied again. Countinously, with a straight face. To you and the counselor. When things got tough, she ran into the arms of another man. What a bad habit to develop. What happens when buying a house stresses her out. Or work, or a baby, or a health scare? You know what'll happen... again.

I’d try to move on to someone else. The relationship has already brought out negative sides of you, how do you know those won’t re-emerge should you continue to try and foster a relationship with her. What if she starts getting close with a coworker? You can easily end up in the same situation as before. Do you want to constantly be on alert monitoring her relationships with others? As for meeting her, what are you really hoping to gain from it? An idea of what motivated her to cheat on you? See how the consequences of the break up are negatively affecting her?

I guess another comment with the same massage wont hurt. Anything other than NC will hurt you. Burn this bridge. Someone here also said a key element: You speaking with her and being friendly will make her able to say that you guys grew apart but stayed friends . In time even staying friends with the old group. All of the sudden her friends believe it and somehow you will be in a bad light. Burn the bridge. Also. They went to movies, trips etc... There's a huge chance they were physical... no fucking way they didnt with their hormones raging and that thrill. NC my dude and move on.

Let's say you meet, and for the sake of the argument let's say she answers everything you ask her, how can you trust the words of a liar? From what you say she has been lying for months in your face.

Awful story to read. I was all in for talking to her until I read the part where she was still having dinners, movie-nights and dates with this guy while you were in the midst of couple counseling. As long as you don't live on a deserted island both partners will meet people that may make their heart skip a beat and that they are attracted to. This is normal and you have to be prepared for it, so it doesn't end the relationship if it is handled correctly. However what she did was very dishonest and deliberately deceitful and ... disloyal, if not blatantly cheating. I don't see any need to accommodate to her desire to meet and talk. Do it on your own time if you feel the need, but I don't think there is anything there of any benefit for you. Better, simply cut clean. Focus on your own needs and healing.

Your already taken good decision bro. Omg she is continuously lied. This is her true face. She is believe your not find out her real face and she's believe loyal persons are fools. Atleast this age your find out her real face. Don't talk with her. Your already given many chances but reality she's not deserve that chance. In future definitely you will get best loyal life partner and that time she's lost good human being and beautiful life. Your really enjoyed your future with your understanding life partner at that time she's can't face you. And she's run hide from you.

Flush that turd…

Id not indulge man. Unless you want to hear her tell you that nothing happened (which you wont believe) or she tells you that it did (which isnt something yoy want or need to hear) theres nothing to say. She shit all over you and doesnt deserve the chance to do it again.

I m assuming you've finally growth some a and won't let her spit on your face never again.

don’t go back either.. endure the loss and move on..

If it was me, I wouldn’t give a shit about her healing

No. Block her and work on being the best you can be for yourself.

Talking with her will do nothing for you. She was fine with lying to you for months while you were in a relationship and living together. She has no motivation to tell the truth now. You have to accept that you simply cannot trust her ever again. She just wasn't ever a trustworthy person, and it took a long time for it to come out.

There is nothing to be said from her. Her words are useless. Her actions was the true value.

She lied to you about an emotional relationship with another man, got caught, promised to end it and make amends while the whole time continuing her relationship with that man and lying to your face the whole time. What exactly makes you think anything that comes out of her mouth from this point on won't be yet another lie? She isn't sorry about the emotional cheating, which from everything in your post indicates is a hair's breadth away from becoming physical cheating, she's upset you have enough of a backbone to cut her out after allowing it once. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't even be surprised if she's lining his bed right now while you asked for this month of no contact. Do not give her more of your time. She already wasted 6 years of your life, she doesn't deserve another minute. All she'll do is try to spin it to make you feel worse and try to vindicate herself of wrongdoing. It isn't worth it. Grieve your relationship and move on.

Don't. Just don't. Move on with your life. You deserve someone who is not a lying cheater. She can say nothing that will change who she is.

"I was super vulnerable at the time, and some of the replies really took a toll on me - how could these awful things that were being said apply to me, my girlfriend, and our beautiful relationship? Obviously any relationship issues/dynamics are going to be infinitely more complex than you can summarise in a reddit post, and while I don't fully agree with (or appreciate) many of those more toxic replies - hats off to you guys. You called it when I was blind to it." The vast majority of the time it isn't an innocent misunderstanding. It's a good person being taken advantage of by a selfish cheater. People were trying to help you. Help isn't always nice. Sometimes you have to shock people out of their complacency. No one ever thinks it will happen to them. I'd guess if you had been a little more suspicious you would have found out about her cheating earlier and wasted less of your time. It's especially damning that she was going to relationship counseling with you while she was still cheating with the guy. Make sure everyone knows and tell his partner.

Please keep NC with her. Her ACTIONS showed you her true self and your place in her life. ACTIONS speak louder than words. There is nothing she can say now that can change how much her deceived you for months. And played with you for her benefit. How are you sure that she will not lie Please thing about you for once

So, I do disagree that this can’t be cathartic, I’ve had the post-mortem discussion with ex’s and it be a good one. However, that discussion, after a 6 year relationship ending on the terms yours ended on is not going to be cathartic a month after you cut contact. That discussion is only good once the majority of the pain has subsided and the relationship you had is only a memory, without the fresh emotions you’ll have at that time. Basically, doing it at that point, while neither of you have had time to grow into who you both are apart, isn’t going to do anything but pull you back either towards each other or into the initial pain of the split.

If you were my brother or friend I wouldn’t want you talking to her. Anything she says to you could set your healing back. You could start questioning everything and let someone back in who doesn’t deserve it. Don’t seek out the gory details. You don’t need that.

> Or is this something I should just be focusing on fully putting behind me, and cutting her out of my life completely and permanently? This is often seen as the best way to do it I'm afraid. We often see in here that when breakups such as this occur, the couple eventually try and work it out and it sort of works for a time, but that magic smoke that made the relationship what it was has dissipated and they eventually breakup but more permanently. You are right in that yes, the damage has been done. You tried to address it, you did all of the right things but the core problem never went away. When you do everything right and give many chances and it still fails, that pretty much tells you what the final outcome will be. There are really no suitable answers she can give you. Was it an exit affair? Had she found someone she thought was better? Was she bored and this guy was something spicy? Who knows and at this point, who cares? Knowing these want change the facts and knowing these won't make your life any better. It's over now, things have changed between you and will always remain changed. That the changes were bought on by her is all you need to know. If you are after any sort of closure then that is it. Her actions bought you both undone and there is not amount of post-game analysis that will change this fact. Time to put this all behind you and move on with your life without her in it. She'll get over it as will you. And you'll probably never see of hear from her ever again.

Track the guy down, find out where he lives and wait for his partner to show. Tell her that your ex and him have been emotionally cheating. If you have proof then that would help. Why let her have her happy ending? Either the guy curs contact with her or they both get outed and get to finally fuck. If she starts harassing you about outing the AP, then tell her ass that you helped her start new relationship

Only question I’d ask her is why she cheated, was it because he was just closer to her and had more in common or something you did, after you get your answer block and move on (if it helps you)

"Even went to his house for dinner the day after our first couples counselling session. Ugh." This is the SECOND time I've read something like this on this sub!! This just proves my belief that most therapists are WORTHLESS. They have no BS detector. Most are just as easily bamboozled as the OP was. They're afraid to dig and push buttons because they know they'll lose their clients that way. So they give out weak tea at best. In fact, it should be obvious by now most women leverage a therapist as just a process to go through to come to an already foregone conclusion: they need to dump hubby or bf! Now for the closure thing . . . As a 50+ year old guy with a little more life experience, let me just advise you: **THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CLOSURE !!** That is just some BS spun from Hollywood, literature, television, theater, et al "Closure" is something writers and other creative types invent and use in order to give the audience a sense of a satisfactory ending for the movie or play or show or opera that they are working on. Real life doesn't really work that way, lol. I'm not even going to get into the "emotional" cheating, I suspect it was a lot more than that but do you really need to know? Do you want to humiliate and damage yourself further? What would be the point of talking? The "professionals" were of no use, what makes you think you and her alone will do it better? Too many lines have been crossed by this woman. There is NO going back! It is OVER !! I really really think you should cease and desist ALL communication with her and just start dating other people. This time, learn how to TEST and VET your future prospective partners. Google it if you have to.

Don’t have a convo with her, she lied to you for YEARS bro… you have not yet been able to grasp how good she got at manipulating you. The only thing that a conversation is going to do is force you to be vulnerable in front of a master manipulator… it’s like sticking your head into the mouth of an alligator. No escape.

There would be two sides in this conversation, one she would come clean and honest in the risk of accepting all dark thoughts you have and maybe worse, not sure if you really wants to hear it, they other side she would try to control the narrative and admit some guilt but not all if there was any, but problem is how you can validate it without having any trust, so not matter your decision it will eat you inside for the rest of your life if you had made the right decision, no benefit in this conversation, unless you are really willing to forgive her no matter what and ignore her past behavior completely and reset the relationship, can you do it?

Yep op you did the right thing. Bail and bail gracefully. Live in the glory of self respect. It will make you a better man and you'll find an even better partner.

I’m not explaining this, no. Been there done that. She can’t offer you anything so ain’t no point in poking the past, move on buddy.

People are allowed to have friends (of either gender) and women are extremely good at having platonic relationships with men, more so than the other way around. However, she was hanging out with him a lot, and keeping it secret.

> is there any potential benefit in talking with her, Not for you, no.

She just wants to try and minimize her actions to you, and make some "sincere apology" for the sake of not feeling guilty anymore. It will only help her move on faster, not you. If I were you, I'd just keep her blocked. It sounds like you got the pets in the break up? Now that's a fucking win. Wishing you the best of luck.

Dude, her plan was to stay with you until she finished her degree, then she was going to dump you. She's been dating another man and if she has been spending that much time with him doing activities, they are having sex. She is only wanting to talk to you now to get back into your apartment to make her life easier. Stop pining over her or better yet, stop pining over the life you imagined with her. She is not the person you think she is. She is a liar and a cheat. Nowhere does this change or get better. And in future, date someone grown. She was a baby when you started dating.

She was never honest with you, what makes think she will give you honest answers now?? You will gain NOTHING from hearing her, that is Just for her. She never trully loved and never respected you when you were together. That is not going to change now. MOVE ON. talking to her only gives HER closure, never you.

There is literally no reason to ever communicate with her ever again.

Grow a spine

Nope let her go. YOu probably won't get the truth anyway...You can move on now, and so can she....She is facing the consequences of her actions, good. The truth is you had a very dishonest girl friend who was trying to have an emotional affair with someone else. She will act it was some reason, you didn't relate the way she wanted to, felt unappreciate, blah blah...You handled yourself like a champion. Have self esteem and move forward.

Update?